EP22:Deep Into - The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
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Welcome back, everyone, to the Deep Dive. You know the drill. We're all about getting to the juicy bits of really interesting ideas. And today we're diving deep into a book I know a lot of you've been curious about. Mark Manson's The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. Yeah, this one, this one always gets people talking just with the title alone. It does. I think it can be easy to misinterpret, though, right? It's not about just becoming totally apathetic or checked out. Right, right. That's definitely not the point. It's so much more about being

Being really deliberate, really mindful about where we choose to direct our energy, our attention, our effects, if you will. Exactly. It's like this constant bombardment of information, of demands on our time and attention. If we try to care about everything, everything equally, we just end up stretched way too thin. Absolutely. Burned out. Yeah. Exhausted.

And then we don't have anything left for the things that truly matter to us. Which is kind of the opposite of what most of us are trying to do, right? We're looking for ways to be more effective, more impactful, happier even. And this book comes in and basically says,

Hey, you're probably caring too much about the wrong things. Yeah. And it's a really interesting kind of paradoxical approach. You know, like one of the first things that really jumps out is this idea that happiness isn't about avoiding problems. It's about actively solving the right problems. Yes. I love that. And it introduces this character, Disappointment Panda, who is essentially this brazenly

brutally honest voice we all have inside but tend to ignore. Right. And he doesn't sugarcoat anything. Yeah. Disappointment Panda just lays it all out there. The hard truths, the things we need to hear, even if we don't want to. So today what we're going to do is go chapter by chapter through this book. We're going to pull out the key takeaways, the actionable stuff that you can apply to your own life. So let's jump right in with chapter two. It's titled Appropriately Enough, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Feck.

And right off the bat, it challenges this almost societal expectation that we should care about everything, that we should be well-informed and engaged on all these different issues. It makes you really question that. Yeah. Like, is that even possible? Is it healthy to try to maintain that level of awareness and concern about everything? I mean, realistically, it's exhausting.

And it makes me think about all the energy I've wasted over the years, you know, worrying about what people I don't even know think about me or getting stressed out about things I have zero control over. It's like we're constantly leaking energy right now. As you said earlier, we have a finite amount of this.

energy. So where are we putting it? Right. It's about being more mindful, more strategic. And the book really emphasizes this idea of self-awareness, identifying where those energy leaks are and then making a conscious decision to plug them. Yeah. Becoming aware of those patterns, those habits of mind is so crucial. And then there's this whole concept of discomfort being a prerequisite for growth. And again, it's one of those things that

intellectually, we probably all understand, you know, pushing ourselves beyond our comfort zones. But actually doing it, really embracing that discomfort, that's a different story. It is. It's almost like our natural inclination is to seek comfort even when it's holding us back. It's so true. And the book uses this great analogy of building muscle. Like you don't get stronger without some level of stress, some resistance, right? Yeah. There has to be that challenge. And that

ties into another key point, which is how much our chosen values influence our overall sense of fulfillment. The book contrasts values like chasing material possessions or seeking constant validation from others with values like honesty, integrity, or continuous learning. And it really makes you think about what you're using as your own personal yardstick for success.

Are you measuring yourself against external things or internal things? And are you measuring yourself against things that are actually within your control? That's huge. Yeah. If you're constantly chasing external validation or things you can't actually control, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Right.

And this book doesn't shy away from those uncomfortable truths. It's direct. It's honest. It cuts through a lot of the, I guess, more traditional self-help fluff. Yeah. It's like having that really blunt but caring friend who tells you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear. Okay. So moving on to chapter three, happiness is a problem.

I love this title because it immediately throws a wrench in our typical understanding of happiness. Yeah, it makes you stop and think like, wait a minute, isn't happiness the goal? Shouldn't we be trying to avoid problems? Exactly. But the book's argument is that happiness isn't some static state that we achieve. It's more like a byproduct of actively engaging with and overcoming challenges that are meaningful to us. Right. It's not about the absence of problems. It's about having the right problems.

And it's about having a healthy relationship with those problems, not trying to run away from them or pretend they don't exist, which of course brings us back to Disappointment Panda. He's not letting us off the hook here. He's reminding us that pain is an inevitable part of life. Right. And that if we're going to experience pain anyway, we might as well choose the kind of pain that leads to something valuable, that helps us grow. That's the kind of pain that Disappointment Panda is okay with, I guess, the pain that has a purpose. Exactly. Exactly.

And then there's this whole concept of you are not special. And I'll admit, when I first read that, my ego was a little bruised. I get that. I think it's easy to have a knee-jerk reaction to that. But if you really think about it, there's a certain freedom in letting go of this pressure to be extraordinary all the time. It really is.

Like, what if we just focused on being good enough? What if we let go of this constant need to be exceptional and just focused on doing our best, being kind, contributing in meaningful ways? That's a great point. I think it ties into the idea that

our modern culture is so obsessed with achievement, with being the best, with standing out. And that can be so exhausting, right? Right. It creates this constant sense of comparison, this feeling that we're never quite good enough, that we always need to be striving for more. And then it's easy to get into this feedback loop from hell, as the book

calls it, where we're anxious about being anxious, stressed about being stressed. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy, right? The more we try to avoid or suppress those negative emotions, the more they seem to intensify. Exactly. And so this chapter, it's really about shifting our perspective. Instead of seeing happiness as something we need to chase or force,

It's about understanding that it's often a byproduct of how we choose to engage with the world, with the inevitable challenges that life throws our way. It's about finding meaning in those challenges in the process of overcoming them. Right.

and choosing the right challenges in the first place. That brings us to another key point, which is the distinction between what Manson calls shitty values and good values. Yeah, this is a really important distinction. And he's very upfront about it, using that kind of blunt language that we talked about. Right, it's not sugar-coated. But basically, he argues that shitty values are things like always needing to be right, seeking constant pleasure, trying to please everyone.

And these types of values, they tend to lead to problems that are never truly resolved. Yeah, because they're often based on external factors, things that are outside of our control. Exactly. Whereas good values, as he defines them, are things like honesty, creativity, vulnerability. These are values that are more intrinsic, more aligned with who we are at our core.

And these are the types of values that lead to a more sustainable kind of happiness. It's not about fleeting pleasure. It's about that deeper sense of fulfillment. Right. And one of the tools the book offers for helping us understand and choose our values is this idea of the self-awareness onion. It's like peeling back the layers. Yeah. It's like...

We start with our emotions. What am I feeling? Sad, angry, frustrated. And then we ask, why am I feeling this way? And that takes us a little deeper. Right. And then we keep asking, why? Why am I reacting this way? What belief is driving this reaction? And eventually, as we keep peeling back those layers, we get to our core values. What are the fundamental principles that are shaping my experience of the world?

It's a really powerful process for becoming more self-aware, more conscious of the things that are driving our thoughts, our behaviors, our choices. Absolutely. And then the book goes on to argue that if we're holding on to shitty values, those are going to lead to a lot of unnecessary suffering. Yeah, it's going to create this constant friction in our lives. And it uses some great examples like Dave Mustaine from Megadeth, who for years seemed to be measuring his success solely against his former band Metallica.

And then there's Pete Best, the original drummer for the Beatles. Right. And their stories highlight how clinging to those external comparative types of values can really hold us back from finding our own unique path, our own definition of success. Right. So in a nutshell, this chapter is really about taking that responsibility for choosing our values, for understanding that we're not just passively inheriting them. We have a choice.

We can choose to operate from values that are going to lead to more fulfillment, more peace. Absolutely. OK, moving on to Chapter 8. It's all about responsibility and choice.

And one of the most powerful metaphors in this chapter is the marathon thought experiment. Yeah, the idea that the experience of running a marathon is completely different if you're forced to do it versus if you choose to do it. Exactly. And it's a great way to illustrate this idea of agency. When we feel like we're choosing our challenges, even if they're difficult, there's a sense of

ownership of pride even in taking them on we become active participants not just passive victims of circumstance right and the chapter really dives into this idea that even in the face of difficult situations we always have a choice about how we interpret what's happening and how we choose to respond yeah we might not be able to control the external events but we always have control over their internal response exactly and the example of william jones a philosopher and psychologist is so inspiring in this context

He basically decided to take radical responsibility for his own life and it completely transformed his experience. - Yeah, he stopped blaming external circumstances and started focusing on what he could control, what he could change. - Right, and he found that the more responsibility he took, the more power he had to shape his own life. - It's a really empowering message. Responsibility equals power.

But it's not about blame. It's about taking ownership. Exactly. And the chapter provides some great examples to illustrate this, like the anecdote about the person who is blaming their height for their struggles in dating. Right.

And it's easy to fall into that trap, right? Blaming external factors for our struggles. But the book's point is that often, even in those situations, there are choices we're making that are contributing to the problem. And it's about becoming aware of those choices, making responsibility for them, and then deciding to choose differently. And then there's the incredible example of Malala Yousafzai.

Talk about a powerful demonstration of the choices we can make even in the face of extreme adversity. Right. Her resilience, her courage. It's so inspiring. And it stands in stark contrast to what Manson calls victimhood chic. This idea that we can become almost defined by our struggles, by our victimhood. Yeah. And that can be really disempowering because it creates this identity that's based on

negativity on what's happened to us rather than on our ability to overcome, to choose a different path. So in a nutshell, this chapter is about recognizing that we are constantly making choices, even if we're not conscious of them. And by becoming more aware of those choices, we can choose differently. We can choose to take ownership of our lives, even in the midst of challenging circumstances. All right. Moving on to chapter nine, you are always wrong.

I love how Manson starts this chapter off with some really funny self-deprecating stories about times he was absolutely certain about something, only to find out he was totally mistaken. It's a great reminder that none of us have it all figured out. And that's okay. It's actually a good thing. Right. It's about being open to being wrong. Being open to learning and growing. Which is kind of the opposite of what our culture often encourages, right? Yeah.

we're supposed to have all the answers to be confident to never admit that we're wrong yeah it's like being wrong is this huge failure but the book's argument is that if we're so attached to being right it actually prevents us from experiencing life fully from being open to new perspectives right it's like we're stuck in this rigid

fixed mindset. Yeah. And that can be really isolating, really lonely. The book uses the examples of a lonely woman and a man who's stuck in his career, both clinging to their own beliefs as a way of avoiding confronting their own insecurities. And it's those insecurities that are actually driving their behavior. You know, the fear of being wrong, the fear of vulnerability. And it's those fears that keep us trapped. Right. Absolutely. And so this chapter is really about embracing doubt, being willing to question our own assumptions,

Being okay with not having all the answers. Yeah, there's something very liberating about that, isn't there? Letting go of that need to be right all the time. It's huge. It frees up so much mental and emotional energy. And the book goes on to talk about how being wrong is actually an opportunity for growth, for change. It's a chance to learn something new, to expand our understanding of the world.

And it even challenges us to rethink our whole concept of positive and negative experiences. Like what if some of the things we perceive as negative, as failures, are actually opportunities in disguise? Right. It's about reframing our perspective. What if those so-called failures are actually the most valuable learning experiences we have? Okay. So moving on to Chapter 10, Failure is the Way Forward.

And here, Mark Manson shares his own experiences of post-college setbacks during the Great Recession, actually referring to that period as fortunate because it forced him to hit rock bottom. Yeah, he talks about how hitting that low point, that point of complete failure, was actually what allowed him to rebuild his life in a more authentic, more meaningful way. It's like all the superficial stuff got stripped away and he was left with the core of who he was, what he truly valued. Right.

It's like that saying, sometimes you have to lose everything to find yourself. And the chapter emphasizes that failure isn't the end. It's just a step in the process. It uses the analogy of a child learning to walk like they fall down a million times before they finally figure it out. But we don't tell them to stop trying. Right. We encourage them to keep going. Exactly. But somewhere along the line, as adults, we develop this fear of failure and it starts to hold us back.

We become risk averse. We stop trying new things. And the book argues that part of the reason for this is that we're often operating from those shitty values that we talked about earlier. We're focused on external validation, on achieving some arbitrary standard of success that's often defined by other people. And so when we inevitably fail, it feels like a personal attack, a reflection of our worth. But if we can shift our focus to those more intrinsic values like effort, learning, growth...

then failure becomes less scary because it's not about the outcome anymore. It's about the process. Right. And the story about Picasso is a great illustration of this. Here's this artistic genius. And yet he produced that

thousands of works of art that were never seen by the public. Yeah, so many experiments, so many iterations. He wasn't afraid to fail, to try things that didn't work. And that's what allowed him to create those masterpieces that we all know and admire. It's like that quote, I've never made a mistake.

I've only learned from experience. Exactly. And this brings us back to that do something principle we talked about earlier, that idea of taking action, even imperfect action, to break out of that cycle of overthinking and procrastination. It's about getting out of our heads and into the world.

And often the motivation, the inspiration comes after we've started taking those first steps. And Manson even talks about how he consciously applied this principle in his own life, using it to overcome his own fear of failure and to build his business. Yeah, he talks about how he had this big idea, this dream, but he was paralyzed by fear.

And so he just started taking small steps one day at a time. And each step, even the ones that seemed like missteps, provided valuable feedback, helped him refine his approach and ultimately led him to success. It's a great example of how failure isn't an endpoint. It's a feedback loop.

It's a way of learning what doesn't work and adjusting course. So the key takeaway from this chapter is to really embrace failure as an essential part of the journey toward any kind of meaningful success. To stop fearing it, to start seeing it as valuable feedback and to adopt that bias toward action. OK, let's dive into Chapter 11, the importance of saying no.

This one's a little counterintuitive, right? The idea that saying no can actually be liberating. Yeah, because we're often conditioned to believe that we need to say yes to everything, especially to opportunities. Right. Like we don't want to miss out. We want to be seen as agreeable, as helpful. But the book argues that if we're not careful, all those yeses can start to weigh us down. They can drain our energy and pull us away from the things that are truly important to us. And you shared a personal anecdote about your own experience with extensive travel, which

At first, it seemed like this amazing, liberating thing having all these options. Yeah. And there's definitely like something exciting about that, about having the freedom to go anywhere, do anything. But you eventually realized that true freedom wasn't about having endless choices. It was about making conscious commitments, about choosing what really mattered to you and then focusing your energy there. Exactly. It's about depth over breadth, quality over quantity.

And the anecdote about the refreshing honesty you experienced in St. Petersburg really highlights the exhaustion that comes from constantly trying to be liked, to please everyone. Yeah, it's like we're wearing these masks all the time trying to present this perfect image of ourselves.

And it's exhausting. And the chapter makes this really important point that positive rejection, saying no to things, is essential because if we're not rejecting anything, it suggests we don't actually stand for anything in particular. Yeah, it's about defining our boundaries, about what we're willing to accept and what we're not. And that ties into this whole concept of freedom. The book argues that true freedom isn't about having unlimited choices.

It's about choosing what matters to us and then having the courage to say no to everything else. Right. It's about creating space for the things we value. And it's about setting boundaries in our relationships, in our work, in all areas of our lives. And you shared a really personal example about how brutal honesty has actually been a foundation of trust in your marriage. Yeah, it's counterintuitive, right? You'd think that honesty, especially when it's difficult, would create conflict.

But in reality, it creates a deeper level of trust and intimacy. Because you know you can count on each other to be truthful, even when it's hard. Exactly. And that vulnerability, that willingness to be honest, even when it's uncomfortable, it strengthens the relationship. So in essence, this chapter is about being more selective with our yeses and more willing to say no to the things that don't align with our priorities, with our values. It's about freeing up our time and energy for the things that truly matter to us.

for creating a more meaningful and fulfilling life. All right, finally, we come to chapter 12, and then you die. It's a bit of a sobering title, but this chapter is incredibly powerful. And it starts with the story of Mark Manson's friend Josh, who died suddenly and unexpectedly. Yeah, and that experience had a profound impact on him. It really forced him to confront his own mortality in a very real way. Right.

And the chapter explores how confronting that reality, the reality of our own death, can actually be incredibly liberating. It strips away all the trivial concerns, all the things that we tend to get so caught up in. Yeah, it puts things in perspective. Like all of a sudden, those petty arguments, those deadlines at work, they just seem so insignificant.

And the book talks about this idea of immortality projects, which are basically the ways we try to create a lasting legacy, a sense of meaning that will outlive us. Right. And sometimes those projects are really positive and constructive.

But sometimes they can be driven by fear, by a need for external validation. Yeah, like we're trying to prove something to the world, to leave our mark. And those types of immortality projects, they can actually lead us further away from what truly matters. Exactly. And Manson talks about how after Josh's death, he made a conscious decision to simplify his life.

to focus on what was truly important to him. He stopped chasing those external markers of success and started prioritizing his relationships, his well-being, his own sense of purpose. And he talks about this experience of standing at the Cape of Good Hope, this place that feels like the edge of the world.

And he describes feeling incredibly alive, incredibly present in that moment. It's a really powerful image. And it ties into this idea that facing our own mortality rather than trying to deny it can actually help us appreciate life more fully, live more intentionally. It's like we finally wake up to the preciousness of our time, of this one life we have.

And the chapter ends by referencing the Stoic and Buddhist philosophies, both of which encourage us to keep death in mind as a way of appreciating life more fully. Right. It's not about being morbid or drawing on death. It's about using that awareness of our own mortality to motivate us to live more fully, to make choices that are aligned with our values. So as we wrap up our deep dive into the subtle art of not giving a feck,

a few really powerful themes have emerged. Yeah, first and foremost, this idea of choosing our values, being really deliberate about what matters to us, and then letting go of the rest. Exactly. And then there's this whole concept of embracing discomfort and failure

seeing them not as obstacles, but as opportunities for growth, for learning. Right. And underlying all of this is the awareness of our own mortality, which can actually be incredibly liberating because it helps us cut through the noise, helps us focus on what truly matters in this one precious life we have. So the core message of the book, as I see it, is that true fulfillment doesn't come from chasing some kind of constant happiness or trying to avoid all forms of suffering. It comes from actualizing

And on that note, here's a final thought for you to ponder, our listener.

Take a moment to consider what those immortality projects might be in your own life. What are those things that you're striving for, those external markers of success that you might be chasing? And do they truly align with what you value most deeply? And maybe even more importantly, what is one freck that you might choose to stop giving this week to free up some of your time and energy for something that resonates with you more deeply? Until next time, thanks for joining us on the Deep Dive.