Blake lively, Taylor Swift, Kanye West, and Clones | Good For You Whitney Cummings | EP 275
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Guys, I'm on tour. Big baby tour. Part two. Bigger and babier. Kicking off this weekend. I'm coming everywhere. Tickets are at WhitneyCummings.com. I'm sweating. I'm so uncomfortable. I hate myself. Oh my god. But also, like, don't people know you're on tour? Isn't it a little desperado to be like, come see me? Like, it's very choogy. I learned what choogy means. Pat, do you know what choogy means? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Don't say, oh, yeah. Cringy. I've been on that. I've been on that, Chugi. Okay, the only thing chuggier than like Pitbull and like, I don't know, like now that's what I call music volume 27 or whatever is me making a video learning about what Chugi means and all the comments being like, that was so three years ago. Chugi! Like, that's Chugi.

The fact that you knew it at all, I just found out about it and I am proud of that. I am proud to be very behind on that. Like, why didn't you know what Shugi means? Because I don't hang out with 21-year-olds. Sorry. Hi, welcome to the program, everybody. I would just like to say I'm triggered. Pat, okay? By the way, Pat, everyone's asking. They're like, where's Pat? Can Pat come out? Like, what are you, like...

What would you introduce yourself? Huh? Why would I introduce myself? My handler? I'm a ghost, Whitney. My sponsor? Like, what are you? Creep? By the way, Pat doesn't work for me. I don't know. He just shows up. Like, I don't...

OK, so which, by the way, that reminds me, that's like I did I ever tell you the story about after I wrote my book? There's like book con and you go. It's book con. You get it. And there's like a holding room of like five or six authors that are on stage speaking. And I was hosting it.

I think. And Stephen King was there. Stephen King, right? But it's just the talent and their publicist or something. So I'm like in this holding room, it's like some guy who's an astronaut, which by the way, that's the trick about is the space moon landing real. I've met a couple of astronauts. They get a little upset if you don't believe them. People have gone to space. But like I wish I had asked that astronaut. Like –

If we went to the moon, did we just not get photos and then we had to stage them? Because you know those are janky. Look me in the eye and tell me the moon landing footage is not ridiculous. It's ridiculous and you know it. Also, why was there a camera already on the moon when they landed? He's like, I'm the first person. Well, then who set up all these cameras? Sorry, my elbow keeps missing that. Yeah, the camera's on the shuttle. Okay, I don't know. It just doesn't add up. There wasn't enough wind. I feel like there would be more wind up there. The point is...

I'm there with – I'm talking to Stephen King instead of the astronaut. And Stephen King is talking to me and I see this guy that's just like, you know, just weirdo, frankly, who has like lots of lanyards on and is just staring at Stephen King. I was like, dude, this is going to sound crazy, but I feel like this guy's a problem. Like I see a guy in the corner and I feel like he's like looking at you weird, like

I I'm sorry if I'm overreacting. I am a woman after all. But like, I feel like we should tell security about this guy. And he's like, oh, and he's like, oh, no, that's my stalker. And I was like, yeah. So should I tell someone? He's like, oh, no, no, no. He's been with me for six years now. There's nothing we can do. So he just comes with me wherever I go. And I was like, dude, at one, I guess it makes sense if you're Stephen King that eventually you're just living in a Stephen King novel. Yeah.

And I remember I remember going, be careful what you make and the kind of fans you attract, you know, which is why I need to stop talking about conspiracy theories, because every time I go in public, someone's got a video for me to watch about like, did you see how Tiger? These are dogs. They're not tigers. They're being spray painted. I'm like, I, I don't know how to help you. You can have one of the Prozac at the bottom of my purse.

OK, so I make these crazy notes for the show now. And Pat had the audacity to bully me by trying to put them in some kind of order. What are you doing? It's like, you know, when you have like a messy room and someone cleans it up and you're like, you hid all my stuff from me. Now I don't know where it is. What have you done? You've added punctuation. You made the words be spelled wrong.

Yeah, typos are cleaned and then it's broken into paragraphs. You cleaned up my typos, Pat. Those weren't typos. That's how I think it's spelled. Now I'm not going to know. You'll be able to read it now. I'm mad at you.

Am I allowed to do this myself? OK, well, Pat ruined the show by trying to make me a high functioning sane person. Anyway, welcome to the program. Real quick, I do want to say I think a lot of new people are here because of Brett Cooper. I love Brett Cooper. I don't know a ton about her.

I listened to her on Chris Williams' show. She was super nice about the CNN thing. I did reach out to her because there were a couple things that were... She posted a bunch of tweets that were like... Because the thing is that a lot of people are like, Whitney made fun of the vaccine on CNN, but during the pandemic, she was pro-vax. People are acting like I was pushing vaccines on people. What...

Is there even any point in addressing this? Like I was just Google me, dude. Google. I was doing outdoor shows for a year. I would I was so against having people be forced to be vaccinated for shows. I was doing shows in parking lots for cars.

Like, honestly, like I whatever toll that took on my mental health was so much worse than any vaccine injury. OK, I was doing shows for cars and you couldn't hear laughter and they would honk instead of laugh.

That's my favorite part. And you're mad at me. You think I'm pro-vax? I literally stood outside in the cold and the stand up, the microphone would go into their car. So they're listening through the car and there's a delay, of course. And then you tell your joke and they're just like, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk. And then, I mean, there were venues that required vaccinations, but I don't own these venues. Do you guys think I own these venues? I don't, but I did.

have to do the shows anyway because a lot of people weren't able to get refunds. You know, they were like, we'll give them a credit instead. So I don't know. Like, again, if you don't like me, that's fine. Just don't like me.

I'll have more respect for you. Just be like, I don't like her. Don't be like, she was pro-vax. Just be like, I don't like it. Like, don't make it that like I am like a scientist who knew how the vax worked and then tried to give your kids an aneurysm. Like, just, you don't like me. Plenty of people don't like female comics. Plenty of people don't like loud women. Like, just say, I don't like her. Can we start a trend where if you are mad at me,

about something, you don't try to make it into like how moral you are. I would say just have the balls to comment. I don't like you. Guess what? I don't like me half the time. Okay. We're not so different. Me and you.

Don't make it about the vaccine. So anyway, she was like, people pulled up her old tweets and they were not my old tweets. There was one that I think was, but the other ones were just like, we need a vaccine exclamation mark. I'm like, I never would have posted that. Number one, because I'm way too insecure to post something that doesn't have a joke somewhere. So there would have been some kind of attempted joke, you know, but she was like, here's some old tweets that people pulled up. And I went to my old Twitter and, uh, or not my old, like past tweets. And none of that was true. So

I like Brett Cooper. I think she's a gangster. She asked me to come on the podcast. Maybe I will. But for the new people coming from Brett Cooper, thank you. And I'm sorry that you're a fan of Brett Cooper, which is you're clearly smart and want to hear about politics. And I'm so sorry that I am going to start talking about Blake Lively. Now, here's the thing.

I think it's important to talk about the Blake Lively thing. I'm sure everybody's sick of it, but you know me. I always weigh in way too late because I like to get everybody's reactions and just figure out, like, I don't even care about Blake, Justin. I care about why we care, okay? So, like, to me...

Our adrenaline level was so high from this past election that we like needed it to continue because it was like now it's Baldoni versus Blake. Now we're still in the election. We could not go back to normal blood pressure after the most chaotic, insane election history. We had to jump to another feud, right, where everyone can show how like moral they are. Like that's this weird new trend where it's like, well, and Blake did this and this and she's a bully. It's like, well, you're bullying me.

about saying someone else is a bully. Like when people do the exact thing they're criticizing someone else for doing. They're like, you defended Justin Baldoni. And I'm like,

Are you trying to convince me that you're anti-bullying by bullying me about this situation? Like, I can't. Is any, is everyone, am I dead? I'm just, I'm very confused. Anyway, so, but for the people who are like, who cares about Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds drama, you do need to follow it.

It is a sociological experiment. It is a masterclass in manipulation, denial, overcorrection of the Me Too stuff, and exactly how women should not behave. Okay, it's not like Real Housewives. Real Housewives is like if you're watching MMA and the fighters are drunk the whole time and have never trained to fight MMA. I will start that league right now. And then like out of nowhere, the loser of the fight...

drops a pop single and music video. And then the one you liked like gets a divorce and you found out she's never paid taxes, but spent 80 grand on waxing her butthole. You're like, I am so in on this show. It's like how I was prescribed Adderall to sleep. If you truly have ADD, it like calms you down. That's like the Real Housewives. If you're truly insane, it's calming to watch, but I do not recommend watching it if you're a sane person, because then it will make you nuts. Like it's like you have to figure out

you know, if it is a match for your personality. Anyway, so guys got Mike Tyson versus Jake Paul. And we sat through it with you. We supported you. We watched it. Okay. We get Baldoni versus Blake Lively and you need to let us have it. All right. I'm going to come clean. Who was the first to make fun of Justin Baldoni?

It was this guy. And I'm going to say it, okay? I'm going to say it. I made fun of him. But in my defense, I had just heard the allegation that on set, he was talking about sex too much. Like, not even locker room talk. Like...

you know, like saying like I had a porn addiction or I don't watch porn because of this. And I projected and I jumped to a conclusion because my number one thing that drives me nuts is a hypocrite. You know this about me. You know, I'm too left for the right. I'm too right for the left. Hypocrisy is my party. Okay. If you're bad, just be bad. I truly don't like care. We need bad people. We need contrast. We need to feel fine. But

I'll actually like you as long as you're consistently bad. I'm like, that's my thing with Portnoy. I'm like, dude, you have never pretended to be anything but this. Like, I gotta respect you for that, you know? My thing is don't pretend to be good when you're bad because what you're really doing is calling us all stupid. And if anyone's gonna call me stupid...

It's going to be the Reddit trolls. Okay. He is truly a good dude that wants to like help men be able to like cry and like be in touch with their feelings. And like, you know, most guys that are into that or talk like that, they're just doing it to get laid. Right. It's like the trans thing. Like a lot of, I don't know how many, some weirdos pretend to be trans to get into high school girls, locker rooms or women's prisons. That's not criticizing trans people. Right.

That's criticizing the straight men who are using it and pretending in order to be creeps. The same with like straight dudes and like this like feminist thing. Sometimes they're doing it just to get laid. Fine.

And in Hollywood specifically, so many dudes pretend to be like pro woman in order to get laid. At the time, the odds were slightly higher that he was this kind of guy. So the point is, I'm calling myself out. I made an assumption about him based on every other guy in Hollywood and every one of my Hollywood experiences. And I was suspect of him at first because like most guys who go hard on like let's support women are like, like, why is this your cause? Yeah.

You know what I mean? You know me and whatever your cause is to me only says like a lot about what you're covering up. Like, why are you, why? You know what I mean? And look, I'll say it. I've been burned. Bill Cosby. He was the guy that didn't curse. He was the jello guy. He was the nice guy. Okay. Diddy was mentoring young rappers like Justin Timberlake, Neil Gaiman wrote strong female characters. Guys in yoga classes are always in the back of the class. Why aren't they in the

Not to stay limber, to look at butts and smell our farts. There's no, it's, I just, you know, there's so many of these dudes are like, I don't watch porn because I'm a feminist. It's not feminist. It's not feminist for a woman to make a bunch of $1,000 in an hour. I disagree, sir. And it's also, but they do it like at work.

They're like, yeah, I don't watch porn and da, da, da, da. I'm polyamorous because I know women have agency and women should have the sisterhood of other women. And it's like, no, you need to cheat without losing your wife because she's the primary. It's like, what are we doing? You can't call me dumb. Mormon, don't drag me into your fake thing. Okay. Here's the thing about me, especially if you're new here, love me or hate me.

I will admit when I'm wrong the second I know it. Okay. I feel like nobody likes to be wrong. I'm relieved when I'm wrong. Because here's the thing now. Everyone's like, the news is fake. Everything's a lie. And then they're like, I'm right about this. I'm like, how could you possibly be right if everything's fake?

Aren't we like we're all have to be you can't simultaneously say everything's a lie and everything we read is fake and then be like, but I know the truth. Like how like what world? OK, but like being wrong is a tricky thing because people are so scared to be wrong at this point. No. Here's what I get scared about. Nobody wakes up in the morning is like I'd be wrong today.

Like they think they're right, you know? It's just the more I watch YouTube, I think some people are like, I'm wrong. I need to double down so that I'm not embarrassed. To me, that's my embarrassment is me being wrong and everybody knowing it. So I'm the first, nothing is more embarrassing than being wrong, okay? So if I'm wrong, just know that I don't know it.

Okay. In my defense, I'm not pretending. I genuinely am ignorant. Okay. It means I don't know I'm wrong yet. I did make fun of Justin Baldoni before I knew more. I jumped to a conclusion about him because I had hit my limit on guys using feminism to be creeps. Okay. I made an assumption that is on me. Okay. Random aside. I don't know, Blake or Ryan,

But I've always thought it was weird. You know me. I don't look at the thing everyone else looks at. Everyone's like, look at her outfits. Look at her text. I don't need to see the texts. I don't need to see the evidence. Okay? They're like, Ryan did this and this. This is a man who broke up with Alanis Morissette. Is there anything else to say here? Are we done? Can we be done? Isn't it ironic that we're still talking about anything but this?

You had the most amazing woman on the planet and you're like, I'm good. Something's wrong with your head. Something's wrong with your head. That is clear, right? And then, okay, maybe it was her idea. I don't know exactly what happened. If you couldn't make it with Alanis Morissette, end it. End it. Okay, maybe she wanted to be in Canada. He wanted to be here. Whatever. Maybe it didn't work. Maybe it was amicable. Maybe he was broke. His heart better have been shattered.

Then marries Scarlett Johansson. By some miracle, Scarlett Johansson is like, you know what? Let me date the nice guy. You know what? I'll be a, I'm charitable. Let me just be with this guy. You know what I'm saying? Couldn't make that work. Incredible women. Like, incredible. Left Scarlett Johansson for a 23-year-old girl who kind of looks like you. Tell me they don't look exactly like, by the way.

I don't know. To downgrade men, dude, women try to upgrade. Like a woman will leave a waiter for a lawyer, will leave a lawyer for a neurosurgeon. Men, you guys downgrade. It's wild to watch. Guys will go from like CEO to secretary. And I'm using that word on purpose because she's not an assistant.

That is a secretary. You will leave a secretary for the nanny. You will leave the nanny for a homeless woman. What is this with you guys? So they're like, he's an egomaniac. Yeah, this is the guy who didn't think Scarlett Johansson was good enough for him. You think he's an egomaniac?

Like, oh, and that drives me nuts. It drives me nuts when a guy has delusional confidence because they were with an amazing woman. They go like, well, I was with Lance Morzette. So like, I can get whoever I want. You know what I'm saying? I was with Scarlett Johansson. Like, I'm the man. No, like, oh, that drives me nuts. No, they made mistakes. You're not great. If you want to know who any man is, look at his exes and listen to how he talks about her.

you will get all the information you need. Watch. Watch if a man is constantly downgrading or going younger as he gets older. No, that is a man who is emotionally stunted, okay? Also, interesting concept to think about with all this stuff is Blake and Ryan are so rich and sadistic and power hungry that they colluded to do all this to like make fun of Justin in Deadpool, which like straight up, if you base a character off someone, you do have to pay them.

Like you do have to pay them. Like even, like even if they were on good terms, he'd have to be like, he'd be like, well, that's me. And here's some money because like,

You didn't even write, you can't even write an original character. You're trying to rewrite the roof scene and rewrite this other. You can't even come up with an original character for your Deadpool movie. You have to base it on this director that you're terrorizing all day. Do you know what I'm saying? You don't get to do it. Like you can't do that. You can't say I'm going to make fun of you, but it's your IP. You know what I mean? And do it like an inside joke right in front of someone's face. That is so arrogant. And because again, you're just going, everyone is so stupid. They're not going to know. So you can have an inside joke.

with your child bride. I hate that shit. Just be a man. Dude, confront the dude and be like, I don't like you kissing my wife. I'm uncomfortable. Don't put it into your art. What are we, five? Just dislike someone to their face. We need to bring it back, dude. This passive aggressive shit. You know what? We need to bring back physical fights.

I'm not kidding. Like out in the world. Just get it out. Let's fight, dude. They should have. Dude, the first week of that movie, Ryan and Justin should have just fought and just got it over with. Done. Handled. We'd all be like, sick. Men are back. No, I'm gonna go make fun of you in my movie.

I just have so much respect for people at this point that just like admit not like you don't have to say why she wrote me the wrong way. He kind of bothers me, man. Everyone's like sick. So I do think this is fascinating because it's like human nature. Like we know humans. I was like, well, who cares about this? We do. Everyone does. And you know it. We're watching the gladiator show. We used to have gladiator shows where like tigers and elephants would fight or human like the town square. And that's what that is basically what this is. And it's also how we show that we're morally superior, like picking the side and being like,

I'm team this person. Like it's how we brag about how good of people we are through what side we take. It's like, it's how we say like, if I had millions of dollars and no trauma, I wouldn't promote my hair Caroline when I was promoting a DV movie. Like what? I don't know. Maybe it's wild to me that we're all so surprised when out of touch millionaires are out of touch. If I was that pretty and rich, and if my father read to me and loved me,

I'm sure I'd behave the same way. Like, I don't know. This whole situation has actually been kind of healing for me and my like nightmare family. Cause it's made me less mad at my dad. I'm like, dad, thank you so much for not picking me up from school and making me wait there until 7. P.M. Awkwardly with a soccer coach. Like it made me doubt my worth. And that has come in very handy as an adult. Like, thank you for not calling me princess. Cause the girls who were called that are now Blake, they're in court now.

Jim saying they are like Photoshopping text messages. Like, thank you for calling me Whitney bear. Like what? I had no delusions that I deserved any more than anyone else. My mom called me Jean.

Like, she barely knew my name. Okay? We still knew not why. She called me Whitney Jean. To this day, no one knows why. But it was very clear that I was not special. And I used to go to therapy about it. Now I'm like, I will send an edible arrangement to their graves if I could remember where they were. Because I know how to behave on a set. I know when to shut my mouth. I'm very clear on who the director is. I'm very clear that it is not my job to rewrite someone else's movie. And...

People keep asking like, like, you know, what like what's the I get obsessed for why people get canceled. You know what I mean? And I and her whole thing of saying like it was a smear campaign. Well, they can't smear you without the videos of you talking.

It was the videos of you talking to journalists and her doing junkets that is actually what made us see who she's been this whole time. You know, I'm the first person to go like, she's always been lovely. Power went to her head. She had four kids, postpartum, lost her mind, got too rich, you know, had a lapse in judgment, wanted to be a director and then was a bully about it. Fine. But there's like 50...

15 years of her being such a dick in interviews to people like and trying to be funny. My theory is if anyone has to say it was a joke, it wasn't a joke. This is what bullies do to gaslight you into being you're too sensitive. I'm I'm just Chris Rock over here.

And you're being too sensitive. Like, no, if you had, if you made a joke, I'd just be like laughing. I think her biggest mistake was trying to be funny. What is this? What are we doing? Why do girls want to be funny? You don't have to do this. Do I make it look so fun? It never works.

Like, do I don't don't do this. It's not a it's not a it's not a job. It's not a business. It's not a sustainable angle. No one wants it.

No one wants it. I spend every one of these podcasts defending the jokes I made last week and explaining to people that are yelling at like what is the point? Like I have I don't. Why have have female comics made it look so fun and easy? Read any of the comments under this video and tell me if you still want to try to be funny as a woman. Like, why is she junk? It's like throwing jokes around like who who what funny female misbehaves?

made it look so appealing to do that. I hate that shit. And what she doesn't know is, you know, I don't even blame her at this point. I blame all the dorks, all the losers, all the guys and probably girls who laughed at her bad jokes. And now she thinks she's funny and she's just being mean to people. Guys that wanted to sleep with her were just like, oh yeah, they just listened to her boring ass stories. They listened to her talk about her hair care a lot. They listened to her go on and tell these bad jokes, like put up with her, like, like barbs and jabs. I hate that shit.

If I did not have to make drunk adults laugh as a child to have a ride to school, I would never do this. Okay. I have Tourette's. This is not a choice. I don't want, I would do anything to just be like Blake Lively, cute blonde girl with four kids. And just, you can be boring. Guys want boring. They don't want this. They don't like this. Chris is not laughing. He's not laughed once. He puts up, he has Stockholm syndrome with me.

You're so wrong. We love this. Guys do not like this. Why? I knew who you were before we got together. I was like, I want that. Love it. Yeah, and that's why we are in a 12-step program called Al-Anon.

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always progressing with extensive exercise library, step by step instructions and real time tracking. I love that my boyfriend's just like stretching. When men hear about athletics, they have to start doing them like instantly. Why are you stretching? Like that's not gonna fix anything. No, he's just like doing stretches. Like I'm not just get alpha promo code Whitney. I'm like, it's right here.

Like guys will just, if you like talk to them, like what's going on with the pacers these days, they'll start like practicing their like shot technique.

How's Tiger Woods? And they start practicing their golf swing in the grocery store. You're like, why do you have to, like, no one, like, no one's like, sick. Did you get it? Hole in one? But we are, and we nail it every time. Okay, right, sure. No, I actually want to, I also want, I wanted to do a sketch one time about the guy that mimes playing sports but misses. Like, the idea that he's like, it's like you, that was, yeah, you could have. Why would you, yeah.

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Go to alphaprogression.com slash Whitney and use code Whitney for 20% off your first payment. Chris Cole. No, you're not distracting me. It actually makes me very happy that you're working out. I'm very shallow. Look, Daily Look is a sponsor of this podcast. We all love that feeling of stepping out in a perfectly styled...

a outfit, in my case, a gas station t-shirt. But let's be honest, shopping can be overwhelming. Finding pieces that fit your body. Clothes are a disaster right now. Can I just, I'm not even going to read the copy. Why do sweaters have holes in the shoulder? Like what's the temper? Pick a lane. You know what I mean? I can't, I can't. Going to a store and then you have the person that works at the store is like, do you need anything? Do you want anything? Do you need anything? It's like, am I about to get a Scientology pamphlet? Can I just look at things? I got it.

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Yeah. It hurts way too bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So no one wants this. Anyway, so I don't know who told Blake Lively that she should be funny, but here she, there's jokes of her like, there's videos of her like joking about being in blackface and stuff and you're just like, who? Who?

Who? Here's Blake's biggest, biggest mistake. And maybe it's because she's always trying to be funny and ends up being a bully instead. She doesn't have any friends who aren't famous. She doesn't have girlfriends. That is a bit. You can tell by all of Blake Lively's choices in life that she does not have girlfriends. Being that kind of like bully mean girl. Girls don't play that shit. Only guys put up with that shit.

OK, only a girl with no real girlfriends would dress the way she dresses. Girls would be like, hey, you look like drag queen Miss Havisham. Like, you're not going to wear Britney Spears's dress to the premiere. She's locked in a basement with lit candles and a peasant top out in Calabasas. Maybe don't wear her dress. She could die any minute. It's enough. It's enough. Like real girlfriends do. Amber Heard. Same thing. That was my friend. People are like, what do you think? I'm like, she's she doesn't have girlfriends. That's always a weird red flag. OK, remember, like she's.

she Amber Heard, like, clearly did not have girlfriends, girls who wear big hats inside don't have real girlfriends, always girls without girlfriends will say like, Hey, hooker, or you're like, like, that is an insane, you just act like a guy, you're just being a guy, a dumb guy, like, what are you doing? Girls without girlfriends will loop you on their self deprecation. You know what I mean? Like, that's why we get along because we're both so stupid. And you're like,

What did you, what was that? Huh? This happened to me recently with like kind of a famous, a famous girl. She was like, I mean, like, well, this is why we get along so well because people like love us or hate us. I was like, okay, I can say that. Like, you really can't say that. You know what I mean? It was just like, what do you do? Like, you don't have girlfriends, you know, girls without girlfriends, they wear strapless bras that show the indent. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like when you can see like an indent because a girlfriend would be like it's showing you can't you got to lose it. Like you can really tell and men should look to watch girls do not have girlfriends. OK, girls that don't have girlfriends, their foundation doesn't match their skin tone. So their neck is a different color than their skin.

Because a girlfriend would go like, oh, we need it. It's not blend it. Blend it, bitch. We need to get you a new skin. Like, you know, this this got a little Justin Trudeau. Like, we got to fix this. You know, they wear high heels to weddings where there's grass always. Because, look, when girls wear high heels to weddings where there's grass, they haven't spoken to any other girls. Because before weddings, we all go like, what are you going to is there grass? Should we wear espadrilles or wearing flats? Like, what do we do? Like they talk, you know, girls are always cold. Girls with friends talk.

We talk about the weather and we prepare. It's like, I'm going to go on this date. Like, I don't like what should I wear? Like, wait, should I bring a cardigan? Can I swing by and grab that cardigan? Like, do you still have my jacket? Like we get the layers we need. Okay. Girls without girlfriends are dangerous. They get very delusional. Girlfriends, humble girls. And I do not think Blake Lively has had that. And I kind of get why now that I've seen her talk. I like,

you know what? I'm calling child services on your parents. They loved you too much. Her self-esteem is too high. And I blame her parents and all the men that want to sleep with her. And let me be very clear about this Justin Baldoni, Blake Lively thing. Do not involve Taylor Swift in this. And I mean it. OK, it is not her fault that her friend acts crazy at work. Everyone has a couple of toxic friends. It's like my brand. It's like, first of all, I have no idea how my friends behave at work.

I have friends that are like get fired every couple months. I'm like, oh, they must be downsizing. I'm like, maybe I should ask her why she's getting fired. So it's like, well, this guy, this guy didn't like me. This girl was like rude to me. I'm like, I feel like I should hear the other side of the story. Taylor Swift probably has no idea what's going on. But every girl has this. Every girl has that like crazy little sister friend that when they call, it's always a thing. And you're like, you know, it's like you're just kind of like,

They're fun, though. They're fun. OK, they're fun to hang out with, even though they always like get kicked out of bars and they lose their purse and they're like, but they're down for whatever, you know. And then like, you know, they lose their phone and you spend the whole next day like at the bar looking for their phone. But it's kind of like, I don't know, you kind of feel like this is a bad friendship for me. But like if I stop being friends with her, she'll probably just like die. You know, there's a point where when you see how crazy one of your friends is to other people, you're like, I'm in it.

I'm in it and I'm just going to try to help. For all we know.

For all we know, this thing could have been way worse without Taylor Swift. Maybe Taylor was like, you got to let this one go. OK, no, you're not wearing three pairs of pants. You're going to wear two, two pairs of jeans, not three. OK, drop it with the rooftop scene. It's enough. Just you know what? She might have been saying what we're all saying, which is like, if you want to direct a movie, just go direct a movie. Just have your husband give you $10 million and go direct your own movie. Like, you don't need to do any of this. Start a perfume line. I don't focus on your hair care line. Go hang out. You know what? Go.

Why don't you go introduce yourself to your kids? Hang out with them. Or hey, how about go watch Game of Thrones again? Because you're very unclear of what Khaleesi is known for. I feel like you maybe skipped the finale before you sent that crazy text about being Khaleesi. I don't know. Taylor Swift at the Grammys? Like...

I will protect this woman forever. She sang to everyone's songs, knew the lyrics, was up dancing, enjoying her singing along to other beautiful pop stars that are getting success. Sing along. Everyone else was just like sitting there pouting, didn't even know. They panned to some people. They didn't even know the words. Sabrina Carpenter songs. It's please. It's the word please three times for three minutes. You couldn't just mouth it. Just pretend you support it. I don't even care if it's fake. When people are like, well, Taylor Swift does that. It's fake and calculated. Fine. Fine.

Then everyone, you know what? Everyone in that room could be a little more fake and a little more calculated then. How about that? Okay. She looks like she's having fun. When rich celebrities aren't having fun, it is so annoying. Like what in what? You're so miserable at your music industry prom where you give yourself fake awards that are paid for. Like what do you do? You made it. You have a billion dollars and you're not... If you have a billion dollars and you're not dancing around at all times, you are...

dangerously mentally ill. And we should do a class action lawsuit. I think we should do a class action lawsuit against any billionaire at the Grammys who is not dancing. We gave you this money. We bought your shit. And you're pouting at prom? Go to therapy. Go to therapy. Take a... upper. I don't know. Take a drug. Take a thing.

Get a friend who's going to be like, hey, dance, bitch. People are watching. Get up. Dance. Be fun. Oh, it drives me nuts. Also, Taylor Swift gave bonuses to her crew. Very few people do that. I don't even know if she did, but she did. And I mess with that. And then someone's like, Travis and her relationship is fake. What? Yeah. When you're in your 30s, you're like, this will do.

Never judge a woman. What? No, I will not. Never judge a woman's relationship when she is in her 30s. How dare you? OK, who knows what is and isn't fake? You know, you know, it isn't fake. A biological clock. As soon as I turned 30, I was like, all right, I guess I love hockey. I mean, how else am I going to get a kid? All right. I guess I'm I'm a mosh pit guy now. This is my new thing.

Who cares? Woman in her 30 has to constantly negotiate because she's slowly rotting from the inside. OK, period. The end. I don't care if it's fake. Who cares? Who cares? Who gives a shit? Another reason the Blake Lively thing is a big deal is because she is the perfect example of how not to behave as a woman in society, because the whole idea was, oh, women want to be equal.

But she's does she's wants superiority, not equality. You know what I mean? And it's important that women call out women and men call out men, men calling out women and women calling out men. It never goes well. So I volunteer as tribute. The whole thing is women got to call out women and go like, what are you doing? This ruins it for the rest of us. You're acting like a brat. You know, I mean, the idea we're supposed to be equal, not superior. You're being a brat, you know. And by the way, the fact that she had the audacity to say he was harassing her

I haven't seen the proof on that. Maybe there's some proof. If I'm Blake's lawyer, by the way, my number one defense at this point is look at the way she was dressed in the movie. She was doing it to seem less attractive. That's your only card at this point. Let's go. She was wearing two pairs of pants. What woman would wear two pairs of pants if she didn't feel threatened? I would believe that like more strongly than believing that her taste is actually that bad. That would be tough. Anyway, thank you, Pat.

But as a man, if a woman is sending you text about her feelings, how is that not harassment to the man? Right? Like our nightmare is to have a man sexually harass or violate us. Their nightmare is to have to hear about a woman they're not sleeping with sexually.

So why can't he say she harassed him? Why all these texts all day long, these paragraphs about I need to feel safe and I need to do a pass on the script and my family's sick. Like this is barely interesting to your husband. It is like, you know, it's a way to make someone feel guilty and try to control them. You know, you're basically saying like,

I should be directing this movie. This is her whole thing. I should be directing this movie, but like, I'm also never going to show up and I'm always sick. Which is it? Pick a lane. I, when people don't pick a lane, it drives me nuts. When people are like, a woman should be president. But also, like, we can't walk out of a room if a guy's being creepy. We can't open doors. And you're like, what?

Which is it? In this whole thing, I'm noticing that the newest way to bully people is to use psychology words. Like it used to be astrology. People used to bully you with astrology. You know, they would be like, you're such a Virgo. You're like, what? And they're like, you're just like, you know, you're neurotic. All Virgos are neurotic. I'm like, no, are you going to call me neurotic? No, it's just you're a Virgo. Like, what do you do? You work too much. You're such a Virgo. Did you just use space to bully me?

How did you do that? Like, just say you don't like me. Just say you don't like me. You don't have to bring like stars into it. You know what I'm saying? And the new one is psychology terms. So now people aren't using astrology as much. They're using like psychology terms that only a professional would be able to use. Like he's such a narcissist, like because he didn't want to date you. So if he doesn't want to be with you, he's mentally ill. Isn't that what a narcissist would think? Like isn't.

Like, he's sick. He didn't want to be with me. He's a narcissist. Like, he's, like, I don't know. She's a psychopath. Why? Because you two were dating and you never texted her back and got on a dating app and she confronted you about it? Like, I don't think that's a psychopath. I think it's, like, a direct person. I don't know. This is just getting very, like, like, we are finding new ways to bully people and I will never let it slide. I refuse to let it slide. I refuse to let it slide.

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and like his spirit animal or something so to be clear i am not defending that i am not defending that i just have defended him in the past because we tend to go like oh we need to not bully mentally ill people and then he does some things super mentally ill and i'm like well which is it so but i'm done done defending kanye let's just focus on the naked lady thanks speak

Speaking of mental illness, we've got to get to Kanye West and his wife at the Grammys. This was like the number one thing you guys wanted me to talk about this week. And I will start by saying, Kanye, I was rooting for you. I tried. I have defended you to the detriment of my friendships, my public reputation. I said his. Did you see his Netflix documentary, Pat? The Kanye West one. And it was all genius. Yeah, it's good. Yeah.

It is clear that he is not always sharing a reality with the rest of us. OK, I actually like those people. You might have to be nuts in order to make that genius of art. Or that's at least what I tell myself and fight with my therapist about. I'm saying I had even more compassion for him after that. OK, so.

He lost his mother. Things went sideways. Okay, I get it. I get it. I get how grief works, okay? When both my parents died in three years, I took chocolate mushrooms and dyed my hair six different colors. I became a lesbian briefly and started trying to track down the Scientology ships. It happens, okay? We all handle grief differently, all right? But

I didn't drag anyone else into it. I embarrassed myself. OK, and Kanye, the days of me defending you, unfortunately, for now have come to an end. OK, and I will say I gave birth to Kanye West's Sunday service record. All right. Like I this is I am a fan. Here's my problem. Here's the deal with me.

If you want me on your side, you can make me angry. You can tell me I'm wrong. You can honestly lie to me. You can make a mistake. You can say something offensive and I will defend you. You can be ignorant and I'll defend you because ignorant people don't know they're wrong. That's what ignorant is. You know what I mean? But you know, Pat, you know my bottom line is you cannot make me uncomfortable or else I'm out. If you make me cringe...

I'm out. All right. If you're going to if you're going to do something subversive, you better nail it. It is wild to me. He's not a recluse. I mean, Eminem. I'm like, yep.

That's what you should be doing. I haven't seen you. I don't know what's going on. Every now and then you pop in and out. That's what someone that rich and successful should be doing. The only point of getting rich and successful is you can remove yourself from society and like living on a beach somewhere, you know? So to me, the only thing crazier than him showing up with a naked woman at the Grammys

is that he showed up at all. It was already weird. The naked woman part was like, oh, at least he's just trying to, you know, like, get his ex back. At least he's just trying to hurt his ex's feelings and not just go into an award show. Like, at least he's not just, like, going to an award show even though he's not nominated. That would be very uncomfortable. He's just trying to make his ex jealous. We've all done that. We all know what that is. So this stunt with his wife, it just was a bummer, man. It's like...

Not only did you make us all uncomfortable, you wasted my time because I gave him the benefit of the doubt. This is why I'm so dumb, okay? I will actually be invoicing him for my time of trying to figure out what symbolism or like allegory he was trying to do. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he is such a genius and frankly, shame on me, all right? Now you're making me doubt my own judgment at this point, okay? Don't drag me into this and my self-worth, all right?

I don't know. I just, the cringiest part of Kanye West showing up with his naked wife at the Grammys was that nobody cared. Like no one cared. Like that's where we are as a society. A naked woman is like snore. Like what? This is not, what are you, what are we five? Like I don't, yeah,

don't know how Kanye West doesn't know that a naked woman is not shocking to any. It's not shocking. OK, we're in a different time. All right. We've had Amber Heard shitting in a bed. We can watch the Ukrainian war live on YouTube whenever we want. Like, do you think a naked woman is at all interesting? Like there's a TikTok feed where the crab eating a gusher.

What do you know? We can watch Blake Lively be rude to literally everyone who has ever interviewed her whenever we want. We can watch Theo Vaughn fall out of a chair at the inauguration. We can watch L.A. burn to the ground on Miley Cyrus's ring camera. You think anyone cares about your naked wife? Like there's probably aliens out here, dude. We don't care. Like I know I'm gonna get in trouble for this, but like to think a naked woman is shocking or cool on any level is frankly gay.

I'm not calling him gay. I'm saying this is what a gay guy would think a straight dude would think is cool. Or like a nine-year-old straight guy. This is literally the movie Weird Science. Like, look, here's the hot chick I built in the lab. We're like, sick, dude. Like, what? It's freezing out. Like, it was freezing that day. And I'm like, what are you doing? Like, also, I don't know how to break it to Kanye West. Like, no one wants to jerk off to your wife. Like, we respect you.

There's enough naked woman around. We don't need this at 2 p.m. Like, what are you doing? Like, does he know about like porn is free? Like, does celebrities not know that? Sometimes I wonder if they're like people don't let them on the Internet so they can't like Google their own net worth. Don't you think?

They probably have a team of people who made like a fake Google for them. You know what I mean? So that like when he Googles himself, it's like his music isn't doing that well. So they can be like, yeah, I guess you're only gonna make 20 million this year. He's like, they steal a billion dollars from him. Like, I can't figure it out. Cause like, right. Or maybe they pull out all the negative stuff. So he doesn't fire everyone. Like it's a good move for like job security. So like,

I mean, this is, by the way, when I was working on Roseanne. Love Roseanne. Bless her heart. Nothing, no drama with Roseanne. But at the time when she was tweeting a lot, I did say, like, can we make a fake Twitter so she thinks she's tweeting?

Like, there's times you're just like, I don't know if you know the consequence of this yet. And I'm trying to like protect you. Maybe they do that. I don't know. Or maybe they don't want him to learn how to use Postmates or Amazon. So his assistant is like, yeah, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go to the grocery store. Meanwhile, they're just like Postmates thing. Like, I don't know. Like, he might be in a full on Truman show. Like, the fact that he thinks a naked woman is like cool or shocking is like,

very dark to me. Like we can see any size but or but we can see whatever we want whenever we want. Does he not know about the movie Human Centipede? Naked Woman is like PG at this point. If you want to shock us, show up at the Grammys with your therapist and be like, I'm working on it. And here she is. We'd be like, what? That's all we'd be talking about. Be like, I'm here with my therapist. So Taylor Swift knows I'm trying to like walk the walk after I took that award from her all that. Like I, you know, it

If you want to shock us, like, apologize. Like, I don't know. Who cares? If you want to shock us, like, put out a hit at this point. Put out more hits. If you want to shock us, you know what you should do? Smile on the red carpet. Just smile. Just look like you're grateful on some level. I don't know. Like, oh, it just was annoying. It was such a bummer because also the difficulty level of this is zero. Like, I think we judge good art or good comedy or whatever we're all doing.

is the difficulty level this difficulty level zero which is why we have no respect for her this is this is not hard for a rich guy to do to get a woman to humiliate herself at the Grammys in Hollywood literally any girl at Starbucks in Los Angeles would do this right now like I don't I would have done this up until like I don't know a couple years ago I just feel like there's so many things he could have done that would have been sick like I don't know show up to the Grammys with Britney Spears and be like hey I'm the musician who did something now what

I got her out. I stopped them from jamming Adderall down her throat every morning. I took the knives from her. I did that. I got her out of the bunker. Like, that'd be sick. You know what I mean? Also, like, the girl doesn't look cool. Like, with Bianca, she doesn't look cool. She looks like she's being trafficked. Like, I don't. Also, if you're going to stand next to a hot naked chick, like, why are you in a black shirt, Fruit of the Loom shirt?

That's literally what Louis C.K. wore in his last comedy special. Like, what are you doing? Like, sell it. You know what I mean? Like, why does he look like he just like swung by the Under Armour outlets? Like, what are we doing? Why do you look? Why is any billionaire miserable? I don't I don't know what feels bad for you. Like no one. I don't know. This is just like.

like super serious and they're both like really serious next to each other, which is so corny because it's like like two seven year old siblings like preparing like their talent show in the family hallway. Like we're going to go out and we're going to be like serious. Like what do you you put so much effort into this stunt? It is so cringe. Like, I guess I don't know. Why are why do men want to do fashion? This isn't your thing.

You don't, I gotta say, he made a shoe and Kanye's shoes look, they look like a tumor. I'm gonna say it. It was, it was like this bulbous, right? It was like a bulbous, grayish, ugly, like clubfoot. I'm like, I bought them. I bought Yeezys and I was like, I never wear them. I look like I'm stuck in quicksand. I look stupid. I'm so sick of this shit. Who cares?

Like, just just say it. Say it. Don't explain. Don't make us project onto some Rorschach test and make us look at ourselves and held of a mirror. No one wants to be self-aware. That's so 90s. Like, no one cares. Like, just say something profound. Write a song. Right. You know what? I guess if you were one of the most gifted rappers ever, you could just say it in a song. But you have to do this. Like, what are you doing? I'm not going to just be a hater. I don't think people are just haters that don't say here's what would have worked. So I'm trying.

To be positive. Hope Corps. You know about Hope Corps, Pat? Hope Corps. I'm Hope Corps now. So if you do want to do this, okay, if I'm Kanye's manager and I'm like, okay, you want to show you want your naked wife to be at the Grammys. You're a genius. Let me give you the benefit of the doubt. Okay. Okay. Okay. Here's the thing. Fully naked. It's coming off a little gay. Here's what I'm thinking. She can be naked, but hear me out. Pubes. Now I'm listening. Now I'm listening.

I don't throw some D's on her, throw some pubes on her. I'm on the edge of my seat. OK, no one I know has pubes anymore. So I don't know. She's probably going to

she's probably been lasered within an inch of her life. She'll have to get a Merkin. They have them on Etsy, I'm sure. Or she can make a Yeezy Merkin. Merkins. So many women I know got lasered and they want pubes back. This could have been a launch of a great business, okay? You can get Merkins on Craigslist or Facebook, Marketplace, I'm sure. My point is, if you want to do full nudity, she can't be like a hot Barbie doll, you know? Like, if you're going to do that,

Do it sick. Like do it with do it with a woman with like stretch marks and varicose veins. And like I'm like, huh? Like proud of it. You know, oh, the idea that Kanye be like, I could have anyone and I chose her. And this is the hottest woman alive with these stretch marks and these skin tags and these veins. This this this mold is probably a melanoma. She's Australian. We can't really figure this bump out. That's so that's interesting. I'm like, damn.

They like that is sick to me. OK, like it's not sick to be like this girl. I haven't bombed with wrinkle cream who does Kegels all day. Like, yeah, we know. Like, what's the message that a rich guy can get a hot chick? This is not news. OK, like that. The way to do it is she should have been like 50 would all be like sick, you know. And honestly, that is the only thing that would actually mess with Kim Kardashian's head. Like if she was like, wait, what? He's he's with a woman that has crow's feet and wrinkles.

Wait, what? That's the power move, okay? Like, I don't get Botox anymore. Come sit with the cool kids, Kanye. Like, him showing up with a woman with, like, wrinkles and cellulite and, like, a C-section scar, I'm gonna be like, what, what? Huh? Like, hold on. Kanye, dude, I'm telling you, Kanye, you can fix this. You can fix this at the Razzies or whatever the next award show is. I'm telling you, Kendrick...

Kendrick like is the man obviously now, but I think, I think it started when he said, show me something natural. Like ass with some stretch marks. We were like, Kendrick is the man. Not like these bitches, these hoes like shake your ass. He was like ass with some stretch marks changed everything. It's being done at Kim, right? Which was all we've all done. We've all done things at our exes guilty as charged, but like, I don't know, in your twenties, I wasn't,

Like being a 45 year old rapper with all the money in the world. Like you have ayahuasca money, dude. You have guru money. You have Prozac money. You have to fix it. Like we do have to hold rich people to a higher standard because they can afford to fix it. If Blake Lively was just some girl who was broke, you'd be like, honestly, you're doing pretty well given the circumstances. But when you're rich and you have access, we're just like, our bar is higher for your behavior.

Because you can have a 24-hour, like, sober companion. You know what I'm saying? You can have someone type emails for you and send texts for you so you're not sending this crazy shit. When I had my manic episode after my parents passed, I took mushrooms to grieve and went a little crazy. Tim Dillon and Annie Letterman were at my house like, bitch, you need to pull it together. You look like shit with blue hair and people think you're insane. Took me a second to process it. I was a little defensive. But then I was like, you know what? You have a point.

If this is coming from Annie, who wears another person's hair on her head down to her ass, I was like, I got to take a good hard look at myself. If Annie thinks I'm crazy, this is worth looking at. Which, by the way, back to my point from last week's episode about being a gold digger. The glory days are over for gold diggers. It kind of just hurts my heart. Like this woman was like, I got Kanye West. I'm going to go to the Grammys. Like, what am I going to wear? Like Versace? He's like, nope. You're wearing some hair gel and these dirty flip flops from Jiffy Lube. Like,

Damn it. So about the Kanye thing, everyone's weighing in. I know I'm always the last to win, but Kristen Cavallari, who I like, I like her. She said that,

I mean, I don't know her that well, but she's like, you know, she's like going for it. She's like being fearless and wild. But she said that she thinks he's a clone because I guess at one point there's a video of Kanye saying, like, if I come back and look different, just know I'm a clone. And look, Kristen seems smart. I don't know her personally, but like this just intrigued me because the idea of the clone thing, I want to be behind it because it is such a smart way for a famous person to never have to get slammed for getting fat.

and to not take accountability for your shitty behavior. I love the idea that Kanye West was like, look, if I ever stop looking this good and young, and if I ever am super out of touch and do something stupid and uncool, it's a clone. That wasn't me. They kidnapped me. They replaced me with a fatter, less cool version of me. If I ever walk a red carpet with a naked chick and it doesn't hit me,

That is a clone. Like, if I ever embarrass myself at the Grammys, like, it's a clone. It's the Illuminati. Like, I don't know, man. It feels like you did this. Like, your clone doesn't get to be worse than you. Like, all of a sudden, you're, like, out of touch.

and you're being petty with your ex and like you've lost your edge and it's a clone, like the clone thing is so convenient. Like I didn't cheat. That was my clone. Like I'm down for conspiracy theories, as you know, but as long as it doesn't help a dude like cheat on his wife and make excuses for being ignorant, like that's when we're just like, guys, like it can't benefit the person too much. Like, you know, like if you think the clone, okay. To say like someone's a clone,

You think that the clone people are going to put out, people are going to put a bunch of money into making a clone that's going to make you look bad and make less money on your IP? The whole point of clones is to keep making money off you. People are like, Biden's a clone.

You think they'd make a clone that could hardly string a sentence together? Like, you'd think they'd make a better clone. You think they'd make a clone that could, like, read and is not going to be, like, creepy with, like, 17-year-olds. People are saying this about Britney Spears. They're like, oh, Britney Spears on her Instagram is a clone. Like, no, you think they're going to put all this effort into making a clone?

I bet the clone people that actually make clones are like, okay, that's just rude. We wouldn't make a clone that doesn't have a hairbrush. Like our clones hair gets brushed. It's all the same color. Like we get the roots done on the clone. Like the clone, their teeth, we get dental care. Like,

You know, like our clone isn't going to like dance with knives like our clones, like cool and like doesn't wear peasant tops. And like our clone, like knows how to light this Instagram video. You know what I mean? Like it's like I love the idea that like like that must be a clone. And the clone people like, dude, our clones are sick. You don't know when they're clones. As soon as you say that's a clone, it's not one.

You know what I mean? And like the clone people are like, why do they think we're putting out these shitty ass clones? Like it's so insulting, but they're not allowed to say that's not us. Okay. They have to kill another clone. They have to kill another clone. They're like, no, the one from 10 years ago you thought was Kanye. That was the clone. This is really him. He killed his own clone.

It's a long story, but I just love the idea that they can't defend their work. The clone people. They're like, nah dude, Cate Blanchett. That's us.

That's us, dude. Like Martha Stewart. That's us. Cover of Sports Illustrated. That's us. Like someone in the, if there's that, like the clone people are going to snap eventually because you can't, you can't have someone misattribute something to your work for that long. God, that would drive me nuts. Anyway. All right. We're talking about clones. Probably time to go. I love you guys. Thanks for sending ideas of what to talk about. I'm just trying to like get the

hang of what you guys actually want to hear about um as i figure out this podcast and continue uh having it like evolve who knows i'm going to do shows now so i have to go winnicommies.com i love you guys i'm in these awkwardly you know this about me don't ride elephants bye