Shownotes Transcript
This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Upgrade your business with Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet. ShopPay boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning fewer carts going abandoned and more sales going cha-ching. So if you're into growing your business, get a commerce platform that's ready to sell wherever your customers are. Visit Shopify.com to upgrade your selling today. Hey everyone, Whitney Cummings here again. I'm back every week, every week.
It's great. Hey, babe. So my guys here, Chris Cobra Cole over here, sitting super awkward. Do you want to... I don't know how to do this. You don't. Without a chair, yeah. Do you want to just put your feet... Okay, so Chris yesterday shows up around 3 p.m. with some flowers. He brought me some flowers. I'm like, ah, what is it? You cheated? What? No. What? You forgot my birthday? No way. What was it? I...
went into a skateboard without a helmet as i tend to do um and i hit my head like i tend to do the last time that i hit my head really good uh was a couple years ago and it was almost identical the slam was almost exactly the same so you're one of those people that like um
You know, it only takes me three times to learn. How many times will it take for you to be like, I'm going to maybe wear like a helmet? You know what? You said that this time around, like maybe wear a helmet when you're in a boat. And I was like, you know what? It was the first time I considered wearing a helmet.
When going into a bowl specifically. Do men think of wearing helmets as like they're have to wear condoms or something like you think it's not going to feel as good? Like what is the you think people think you're like a big or like a it's it's just the extra thing to do. I don't know. Like like it's I got to bring it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there a way because you do have like 42 keys on your keychain that it's unclear what they... I can't hang it. So we could add it. Okay. I can't hang it on my keychain now. Okay. Tony Hawk can do it though.
Tony Hawk wears pads. No, pads are cool. Pads are totally cool. I'm not cool. Wait, so how many times have you fell over the course? But hold on. Let's be clear. If we're really going to talk about this, he is a street skater. He's not a bowl skater. So he went in the bowl with Jason Ellis because men can't just like get coffee. They can't just like hang out. They have to like go like, like,
commit low-key homicide with each other if they're going to hang out. So that's not what he does. What would be the equivalent of me? Didn't I have like a version? It is. I think you did. It is so back. It is so opposite of what I do. The way that I bail, the way that everything like when you bail in a bowl, the way that I bail.
Your board ends up under you and you slip out and where the ground is, where it's supposed to be and all that is different. And you're going way faster than you normally do on the street. This would be like if I was hanging out with a friend that did improv and they were like, come do improv. And I was like, that'd be funny. Like it's similar enough. And then I got out there and was like, oh, wait, this is wrong. This is the wrong way to entertain people. And then bombed.
Exactly. Or like fell off the stage. And that's exactly what I did. Because why are we moving around on the stage away from the microphone? And that's what I did. Yeah. You try to do improv when you're a stand-up. And I will send the video so that you can play it here of how badly I asked for it. Okay. Just before when Jason says...
Wait, you're going to do it like you don't have to. And I was just like, it's my life. So can I just ask? Because, you know, look, as someone who is reluctantly straight because dating a man is just so it can be very terrifying, you know, because you guys are just, you know, like suicidal with your hobbies. Like what happens in your brain when two men are like, let's do this thing? Are you sure? I'm not sure if it's safe. Is it like I don't want him to think?
I'm not brave or are you just like, I don't feel like dealing. No, I think I, uh, by the way, and I'm not shaming you. I am someone that did leave out two giant chocolate bunnies on my desk, put my dog in that room and he promptly ate two chocolate bunnies. We all do dumb, lazy stuff. I might've just killed my dog. I feel one. He'll be fine. He's in the ER right now getting induced for to puke. I was there. He's fine. But, um,
I think it's more like we're together in the excitement of the danger, the adrenaline clouds. It's exciting to be brave together. That's it. Right. Right. Is there something that goes, I felt like this last time it won't happen this time. So you think, what is this called? Can you look this up? Uh,
You never do that. It's when you think the probability of something is lower because it already happened, but that doesn't mean the probability is lower. And often it means you're like, well, this already happened, so it wouldn't happen again. So you're actually less vigilant.
we do have a version of that, but it's more like why people get married again. They're like, it's not like I'm gonna get divorced again. I learned my lesson. It's more like you, when you're snowboarding, you never say, okay, one last run, you'll get smoked. Same thing happens in skating, but it's more of a, um,
You made something, like, really quickly that you shouldn't have. So you know next time you're going to get punished. You're going to get out there and it's going to be bad. You got away with it before. So it's more...
I've gotten away with it too many times and my luck's going to run out. Yeah. Yes, sir. It's called a gambler's fallacy. Yeah. It's like, oh no, I already fell down that. I'm going to fall down again. Right. You know, that makes sense. Yeah. It's like the idea of like, oh, last time I went for a hike, I saw a rattlesnake and it almost bit me. So like I'm safer than ever because the last time I went, there was a rattlesnake. Right. And then it's like, no, no, no. The chances are the exact same. Yeah. These are the kind of things I fight about with my baby daddy. Wear your helmets.
Wear helmets. Is there a way to make helmets cool? Like, can't you put like, I don't know, like dinosaur horns or like, you know, antlers? If you add like a mohawk or anything like that, it's whack. What if you 3D printed your own helmet? Would you wear it? It would not hold up. That would just be ridiculous. So what about a... Filament would not hold my hand. You know, Daft Punk. Like, what would make you... I'm trying to think. Zelda's face...
a Zelda face on top of my head. A ghost? No, it's just... Cobra? Just like a full cobra? Eh.
You live by the sword. You die by the sword. Okay. You know? Giant sword. A giant sword. A giant sword through the head. It can come out of your head and be a... A Viking helmet with an arrow through it. Here's what I'll say. If you died by a sword, I could be at your funeral and, like, have dignity. My goal is that when I'm giving your eulogy, I don't start snickering.
So it's like he died in a bowl? You know what I mean? I mean, I shouldn't have been in there. I'm just saying, can it be something that no one does that at your funeral? I don't think so. I think no matter what, people are going to snicker. Yeah.
because it's going to be something goofy. It's just, it's just way to die, dork. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, they were shooting a video for, okay. Yeah, there will be a video of it most likely. I just mean, it's like him and Jason Ellis were shooting a doubles, you know, he was, he was on a date.
This is how two straight men go on a date. He was on a date and they had to make it dangerous so it felt straight. Yeah, we were just like, this is so tough, man. We're so manly. Is he okay? No, he's not okay. I'm fine.
In his defense, he was before he started dating him. It's fair. It is hard because a lot of the things I'm like, so where are your keys? How many keys do you have? What's my birthday? And I'm like, how do you never knew any of this? Why do you get, why would you ask him that before he hit his head? What the. Okay. That's what I'm spraying. Okay. First of all, being the third wheel in this relationship is already hard enough for me. Okay.
Second of all, I'm I'm just trying to say I'm just trying to figure out a way that he could die where I don't crack up when I'm giving his eulogy. So can the can this not be a funny death, please?
He's fine. This is not really a phone call about whether he's fine. You're right. No, this is my question I have. My question is, when we FaceTimed you first, you two looked at each other and just started dying laughing. Yeah, we did. That was sick. What about it? It's...
I'm just... It's funny. I'm conflicted because on one hand, I want to press you to wear a helmet, but on the other hand, you got so much joy out of this that I don't want to take that away. Do I just accept? Yeah, he's not wearing a helmet. That's ridiculous. No, but when I go in a bowl next time, I probably will. Because I don't know what I'm doing in there. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I feel like I didn't know...
It's a weird thing. Like, I'm more aware of, like, how bad I am on street than how bad Chris is in vote. That's right. That's fair. Your trepidation on street is not equal to my trepidation on vert or bowl. I get in there and I'm like, oh, I can carve and do whatever. And it's like, no, I can't. No, I can't.
So you can't fall. It's like it's like a skate park. Like you saw me, dude. You were like, oh, my God. Like, yeah, this is life or death. And I'm like, yeah, dude, it's life or death. I was scared for you. Yes. That's kind of good for me. I could barely walk for three days after it. And all I did was only to step up three times. And that was horrific. Did you know that Chris did this before?
A couple years ago? Does he know that? I did. And I did an identical slam. Almost identical on my 40th birthday. In a bowl? In a bowl. Exactly the same. Right foot on the board, loops out, spin, hit the back of the head. You're a transition race. It's okay. It's just the same thing. I'm a...
Like a straight to ****. Like, that's just like... Nice. Nailed it. The thing that... The reason that we're laughing when we say each other is because we do have one thing in common, and that is damage is funny. That's true. It's so true. Because we're okay, you know? Yeah. Yeah, we're fine. Like...
If we're not okay, then it's not funny. But so far, so good. I'm just navigating being in a relationship with someone that I love so much that I don't want to stop you from the things that are important to you, even though I did make the deal with you last night. If you get rid of your motorcycle, I will buy you a Trans Am. After we saw that sick Trans Am, that black and gold one? I would do that.
Get rid of your motorcycle. I was like, damn it, dude. That's hard. I will buy you the one that we saw yesterday. Do it. And then come get me. Yeah, but I mean, the deal I'm sure doesn't mean I go buy another motorcycle. I'm pretty sure it means that I don't have one. Fuck your motorcycle. Ride a horse. Don't be a...
Like, motorcycles is like, if you get a dirt bike ride, then yeah. But if you're on the road and then you get a bunch of Whitney's that are like, TikTok-ing while they're going down the freeway, like, you don't need that shit in your life. It was a problem. By the way, him in the car with me driving is so much more dangerous than him being on a motorcycle yesterday on the way to the ER.
He was in more dangerous with me driving him to the yard than in the bowl with you. I was so worried, actually. Yes, that's funny. I don't know why you're laughing. That's just like a fact. Yeah, Jason totally checked my eyes when I was like, I'm good. I'm fine. He goes, give me your eyes. I looked at him. He's like, you're not. Yeah, because I've seen it so many times. Like, you're there, but you're not.
entirely there yet you know yeah like that's why i was like you're not leaving until i see that everybody's home you know and no one was like we should call whitney or text her okay i don't want to throw him under the bus again don't i was under the impression that he had already notified you okay that's fine because he was like i think she's coming and i was like to the skate park
And he's like, I think. I'm not sure. I was just texting her. Well, that's actually true because I did say, I don't know where the skate park is. Yeah. And I was like, what is this? Right, which I thought meant he told you. I just was like, I don't know how much. That does make a lot of sense. I said, I don't know how to give you a heads up because I don't know how far away you are. Look, I did think about calling you afterwards, but I was like,
Like, you're not my f***ing mama. Like, f***ing, he's a big boy. Like, and he knows. I should have known, though, because he did say at one point when he was lying down with the ice pack, he goes, okay, so the story is. And I go, the story for who? And he's like, Whitney. And I'm like, I just started laughing. I was like, there's no story, dude. It's...
The story is a child was drowning. Listen. We're idiots and she loves you. Like, suck a butt, you know? Actually, in my defense there. In my defense there. It sounds like I was about to say some sort of lie. Yeah. But I wasn't. It was more of a... That's him just saying, what just happened? I can't remember. Yeah.
No, I can tell. It was, how do I tell this story without freaking her out too much? That's what it is. I'm going to tell her the story and that Jason wasn't at fault. In fact, he tried to warn me beforehand, and I told him in Bon Jovi voice that it's my life. And then we went in seconds later, and I cracked my head open. Don't make me laugh before I do tricks. That's right. And that's what happened. I did do that.
Should street skaters and vert skaters be able to skate together? Is this like an improv person and a stand-up on the stage together and it goes...
we could do it you i think you could do it we could totally do it i want this video to get me but it sounds but we both need pads it can be done we both need pads and i'm fine on a vert ramp a bowl is a different animal oh could you have done that trick you were working on that day yesterday on a vert ramp yes i could have carved behind him after him
and just turned. Yes, that trick that I was working on, which is just turn with Jason, I totally could have done. Yeah, and nine times out of ten, I don't bail that trick that I bailed. So...
I didn't want to send a board into his cheekbone. You did what? I didn't want to send a board into his cheekbone. And so instinctively, my foot stopped the board. Jason would look sick with a scar on his cheek. Yeah, but not for me. I was telling Brianna I was hoping King punches me in the face because a horse punch would be a sick scar.
Oh, yeah. Horse punch. I can help you with that. It won't be my horse that does it, but I can help you. It's just that. Same. Yeah. My buddy. My buddy loves Scott. OK, well, here's what I'll say. I have to live with the fact that Chris. That's the end of it. Stop talking. You have to live with the fact that.
That's the end of it. Hey, guess what, Jason? We're on the podcast, and I'll just cut what you said out. So I would just really... Chris Cole. Hell yeah, dude. I have to... Red Dragon. Shock heart. The heart of a shark. I have to live with the fact that Chris getting injured with you makes him happier than him not getting injured and hanging out with me. So I have to live with that. You are my...
I get paid to make people laugh. I've never seen him laugh as hard as he did when you picked up the phone yesterday. We laughed right before he hit his head, and then we laughed right after he hit his head. Totally true. He goes, I'm alright, and I go, no you're not. And then we kind of laughed a little bit. Like,
And then he was like, no, I swear I'm all right. I swear you're not. And then we laughed a little bit again. And then he got up and he was like, whoa. And I'm like, yeah, see, you're not that. All right. The bigger thing is that I'm just sort of like concussions are not good for us. But at the same time, I'm like, I don't encourage anyone to have a memory anymore with what goes on. What is a memory served to anyone?
Right. Especially us. Yeah. It's just it's just like what's ahead. I said, what's ahead? I need to forget that, too. I literally spend most of my time with Chris going, forget the past, forget the past. And then he hits his head and I'm like, why are you hitting your head? You're not going to know. Chris, maybe this is how you do it. Thank you for collaborating. Dude, Montel Jordan was on to something. You're fine. This is how we do it.
Okay, well I'm just gonna stay on the deck and film it's fish isle. So I just know this So in tomorrow no Okay, that's why not thank God Okay
We're going to get, we're going to do a helmet and we'll make it sick. Dude, let's do a helmet with just Jason's tattoos on it. So it just looks like Jason. That's actually brilliant. A skin colored helmet with Jason's tattoos on it. So that it just looks like Jason. What about a full face motocross helmet with my face on it as well? Like a road bike helmet. Oh my God. You might need that if,
And then you can street skate with Jason's tattoos and it'll look like he's street skating. It'll look like I just got out of prison. I need a tray flip and I'm not going to be able to do it myself. I got you. All right. Love you. See you when you're back. See you guys. Later. So Chris did split his head open. If he's a little slow, that's why.
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Has anyone seen Black Mirror, the new Black Mirror? No time. Yeah, no, Pat, I don't have time either. But I make time.
Because I'm an anthropologist. What? You actually watched it? I did watch Black Mirror because I do believe it is my responsibility to go, okay, what are the, you know, bad things that are going to happen with all this AI? You know, I have a robot of myself. I just need to know when she's going to kill me. I just, I need to understand. I just have to make some plans. All right. I need to know. Do I put my robot in my will? Is the robot, does my robot have rights? Someone's going to come to me one day and go, hey, we got a call. The authorities are here.
to, you know, I'm gonna be like, are you gonna take my cleaning lady? No, she's my only family. We don't speak the same language, but I love her. She's the only, she's the only person I've ever loved who understands me.
And they're going to go, no, no, no, no, no. We're not deporting your cleaning lady. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We are taking your robot because we believe that you're exploiting her on your podcast on YouTube without her consent. I need I need a heads up on that. Right. So I'm watching Black Mirror. All the episodes, not all of them. A couple of the episodes this season are about how I generated people who are stuck in the I are sad.
Wow. The answer is no. All right. I'm not. They got the sad. What did they just hear that they weren't one of the five people that get to see the color, the new color, and they're bummed out. We're not here. We're not going to be sad for AI generated people. We're not doing this. What about me? Why aren't people sad about us? We're stuck in reality. That's way where I'm stuck with caring about the fact that Trump didn't say hi to Cheryl Hines at an MMA fight. What about me?
I don't feel bad. I don't feel bad. I don't feel I refuse to have compassion for an AI generated character in a movie or the computer game who's stuck. OK, we're all stuck. We're all stuck in a movie we can't get out of. I'm not going to feel bad for robots.
We're robots. We're the robots now. We do exactly what we're programmed to do from the Internet. And we all walk like robots because we have arthritis from hunching over our laptop. So we're like it's not it's same same at this point. I'm not I'm not I'm not going to watch more shows that tell me how bad the Internet and social media is while they promote their show on social media. And it only goes viral because of social media. I'm not. Do you see there's the show Adolescence Adolescence. I'm not I'm not. Yeah.
No, it's about a kid that does something awful because of social media. Guess what? If that kid was born in 1930, he would have done something bad because he saw something in a newspaper. The kid sucks with them without social media. We can't blame social media for everything all the time. Assholes existed before social media. Awful things happen before social media. Have you not seen The Changeling?
It's like assholes. Assholes existed before this. You can't blame everything on Asperger's and you're cheating on your attachment style is physical touch. That's why I can't. It's not. I think the kids are. They're OK. Have a hot take. The kids are teen pregnancies down 78 percent. That's a huge win. Teen drinking down. Huge win. Nobody cares. Nobody cares around here. Only 18 percent of Gen Z drinks. They're dorks. We're fine. This is great.
When you want to complain about social media, ask yourself this question. Is your mailbox still outside your house? Yeah. Are there any broken eggs on your front door? Is there toilet paper all over the trees in your yard? Is your daughter pregnant? We got to know when to take the win, you guys. I'm done. I'm done watching TV that makes me feel bad about social progress. I'm done. Hey, TV, stop lecturing us about how bad technology is for us.
with that exact technology. So you're going to make addictive, harmful technology and then make shows about how bad it is for us and our kids. And then you're going to charge us to watch it on that exact harmful technology. I mean, it's it's honestly, it's like respect. It's kind of sick. It's kind of hard to create the problem, create the solution. You want to get on the merry-go-round or what, baby? Yeah.
I just I don't know, man. And it and when you go see, OK, adolescence is on the one, two, three, four, five of the Netflix top. Right. And then that's about a kid that did something horrible. And then number two, three, four, five in the top 10 are documentaries about people that did things that were horrible before social media. Yeah. So, ow, just hit my elbow.
And that didn't happen virtually. The only time I make a good point, I do have to hurt myself physically. But I'm not going to feel bad. I don't feel bad about the AIs. And I'll say it. And I'll say it now. And we're not going to do this. I'm not going to do this thing that's like, you know, we have someone protecting the guy in the computer and they have rights. Yeah.
Well, you know what? That's why those like whatever the little food delivery guys, they have eyes on the front so that people don't just kick them over because they're like little food delivery bots. But they're taking people's jobs. They're like cruising around their little eyeballs, blinking, acting like they're cute. They do that on purpose, because if you remember when bird scooters came out, at least in Portland, everybody just threw them in the river. I'm glad you brought that up, babe.
Because there is a long tradition in my family of terrible choices. One of our main family stories is that my grandfather passed on investing in McDonald's because he said, like, who would want a, you know, 10 cent hamburger? You want to go out? You want to eat? So I'm having to, you know, yell on YouTube for money. I don't, you know, I miss my chance to be a nepo baby. But I love my grandfather, admired him a ton. And I did inherit this from him.
I did invest in lime scooters or what is it? Birds, bird, lime. What was they first? Bird. I invested in lime disease, the bioweapon, whatever the scooter is. I invested in the scooters and I'm like, all right, I'm not going to be my grandfather. I'm going to, I'm going to be on the edge. I'm going to be ahead of things. And I invest in lime scooters. One of my first investments really. I was so excited. And within a week,
ER emergency room visits in Los Angeles went up 67%. Is that blood on my hands? Is that? So funny. Honestly, this is part of why you get such quick treatment when we go to the ER. They're like, she invested in the thing that paid for all of our vacation. Yeah, they're like, she's here. Who cares who she's bringing?
So, yeah, I don't know what to invest in. I don't get it. I don't get it. But bird scooters are still out there. I think most of the injuries on the scooters are just from tripping over them because they're just in the middle of the sidewalk. It's actually from being on a bike and hitting a bird scooter that's just in the middle of the road. Yeah.
They're a brilliant idea. I don't think anyone's on them anymore. I think that they're just... They're just everywhere. They're just littered. Every time I find a news story that I want to talk about, sorry, on the podcast, I get really into it. And then I check the internet the next day. And then it says it was fake news. It'll say this was AI generated. Did you guys see that? It was like artificial colors were banned from candy. And I was like, oh, I'm going to talk about it. And then it said, this looks like an AI story. So I don't...
I don't know what to do, but infuriating. Good news. My friend Dan did just tell me that Scott Peterson is now innocent all of a sudden. I don't know. I didn't follow all that. Do you guys did anyone follow that, Pat? No, I did not see that. No, no. See, that's a man that loves his wife.
Everyone following the Scott Peterson thing is like, I just need to see what you can get away with. I just need to know if even if I do this, there will be a documentary made about me 20 years later. Like every guy I know that is obsessed with documentaries about men killing their wives. They need sympathizers. I know. They want to find all the Instagram feeds of people that were like, I knew it, man. I just I don't know what's going on with that. I didn't follow any of that. I just I will say.
If your pregnant wife disappears and you didn't cause it, you're still guilty of something. If you let your eight month pregnant wife out of your sight for long enough for something bad to happen, like you still, you know, you still didn't nail it.
So I'll only talk about things that I can actually totally speak with authority about because I have no idea what's AI anymore. I can speak because I was a first person witness of this event at my Seattle show last weekend. Show was going great.
And look, this new hour I'm doing on tour, it is intense. Like, it's kind of a lot about how I'm too left for the right, I'm too right for the left, I don't know where I belong, I'm a mom now, so I'm talking... Look, I did six stand-up specials about sex and porn and dating. I've done that. I have to move on to other things, you know? I'm talking about, you know, other top... It is scary to me, you know? Because, I don't know, maybe you guys still want me to... Do you really want me to be talking about squirting? Like, are we...
Still, you would think that was sad. But the point is, most people are letting me grow and I really appreciate that. But one guy this past weekend in Seattle was not. I will start by saying, if you are a man coming to my stand-up show, we have no problems. No matter how you behave. As far as I'm concerned, you are a radical feminist. Even if you hate the show and ruin the show, you gave me a shot. You paid money.
To listen to a girl you have no chance of sleeping with talk for two hours. You are a radical feminist. There's no pressure on you to like it. That is just asking too much. I realize. And look, I'm sure that he brought a girl to get points to get laid, but that that also counts. All right.
But this guy yelled... It was around the time that I don't know. I was talking about, like, the CNN New Year's Eve thing when I went on CNN and was saying, like, what establishment media should cover or whatever. And he yelled out, you need to know your audience better. Know my audience better. Oh, my God. Okay, everybody, calm down. This is going to be his rock bottom. And I am honored that in every Narcotics Anonymous meeting...
in Seattle for the next 20 years, he will say, "So, when I yelled out at Whitney Cummings, a comedian who just talks about dicks and conspiracy theories, and I had the audacity to imply that she gave a about what I thought, that's when I realized that I had to stop taking meth."
And that the cocaine I did indeed had f*** in it. Because I said know your audience when in fact I didn't know shit about my comedian. So here's the thing. It did make me think, okay? But how can...
How could I know my, like how? How could I know anyone? I don't even know. I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't, much less my, I don't know what algorithm Russia put me in. I don't even know. I don't even know what you know about me. There are AI ads of me promoting products I've never even heard of. When people are like, you had bad plastic surgery. I'm like, I think you saw something.
The ad that animated my face talking about how much I love a sunscreen that I haven't even heard of. I'm like, that's not... I don't... I don't get Botox anymore. If I look crazy, it's because the internet did some bad AI that didn't rebuffer stream totally. So I'm just saying, like, I don't know...
what you know about me, I don't know anything about you. So we're all just going to get together and do some comedy and feel free to yell whatever you want, because I do appreciate it. Makes me think. That said, if you would like to come yell at me in person at my shows on May 2nd, I'll be in Lexington, Kentucky at the Lexington Opera House. May 3rd, I'll be in Indianapolis, Indiana at the Egyptian Room. Can we still say that? May 9th, I'll be in Chattanooga, Tennessee at the Walker Theater. May 10th, I'll be in Knoxville, Tennessee at
May 25th, I'll be in Las Vegas at the Venetian. July 18th, I'm going to be in Canada, I believe with Bert Kreischer for some reason. Then I'm going to be in Halifax, Canada, August 9th. Oh, that's what it is, the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival. Yeah, there you go. The 24th, I'll be in Calgary at the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival as well. September 5th, I'll be in Ridgefield, Connecticut. September 6th, Huntington, New York, the Paramount. September 12th, Vancouver, Canada. Another Great Outdoors Festival. Richmond, I'll be there September 19th. Norfolk, the 20th,
September, Toronto, Ontario. I'm going to be there October 3rd. Wait, Toronto. I think Drake might come to that show. We may or may not have DM'd about it.
On Instagram, October 4th, I'll be in Baltimore. October 20th. If you if you skip these dates, you just skip some good tea. October 24th, I'll be in Arkansas and Fayetteville. And then I'm going to be in Hot Springs and then Reading, Pennsylvania and then Philly and on and on and on. Another thing I will say about my reaction to this guy and yelling things at my shows.
For those of you who are new here, right, or new to my live shows or new to this YouTube situation because I yelled about fluoride on CNN, I want to be very clear with you. I've been a stand-up comic for 20 years. I also had my ear bitten off by a pit bull, and I drove myself to the hospital. I broke my shoulder, and I didn't notice for three days. I just want you to know the kind of person I am.
Also, I do have rabies. And I just want you to know that when you do yell something out at a show. I had a raccoon run up my leg, which by the way, I'm also the kind of person that raccoons feel comfortable fighting with. You know, raccoons come to me. Raccoons go trash. Like raccoons...
raccoons think I'm one of them. Like I need you to remember, I need you to remember this. Okay. Raccoon runs up my leg. I have to go to,
to Tarzana to the emergency room. I have to over two months get Monte Carlo antibodies of rabies. I went in and most places don't even have it. No one had and no one survives rabies. I had five shots of the vaccine. So it is in my bloodstream. So I don't even I don't even know how I'm going to react half the time. OK, I don't know how it hits with the Prozac. They haven't done that study.
They haven't done a study with they haven't done a study of how the rabies vaccine interacts with my thyroid medication. Now that we don't we don't know what I'm capable. I don't know what I'm capable of. Yeah, you guys. I stopped wearing bras recently on the podcast. I don't know myself anymore. OK, so.
Babe and I were arguing the other day. It wasn't an argument. You weren't arguing. I was having super historical feelings about something. And I got so mad. Wasn't I in a trench coat? I don't argue. Did I make that up? You don't argue. No, he doesn't argue. You were so patient and so. Thank you. So loving and so kind. And you were just like, like.
letting me lose my mind over something. Well, also, my dog was in the hospital and I was just sad. I was sad. Yeah. But I was like, I was crying. And when your dog is about, is maybe going to die and you don't know what it is, like, I was just so hysterical. And then I just remembered, like, something is this PMS? Is this this to my... And then I was like, oh, right. I have rabies. So...
If you want to come at me at a live show, you are more than welcome to. I just maybe wear a mask, maybe at least a turtleneck, because I cannot promise I will not bite you at a show. It's anyone's guess where my personality is going to go from here. You better bring rabies yourself. Okay. Because we're also apparently full of Roundup. There's a lot of chemicals inside. I put makeup on. Like, who knows what's going on in here? So just heckle at your own risk, guys.
And I'm sorry in advance for my rabid response. Okay. Onto the topic. So let's just start with the most disturbing one. I was trying to figure out, you know, what to talk about. And I did look at Twitter and threads and I was ambushed by a news story that is, is so upsetting. I can't even believe I'm bringing it up. This might even get us kicked out of the YouTube algorithm. You know, it's, um, I honestly, I can't even believe it. I don't know why there aren't parental controls about something like this. It's,
I do think it's something the government should keep a secret. You know, people are really torn on that. Like, should we release this? Can people handle it? I think it's really irresponsible to release it, but I'm just going to cover it. And I might even take this part out of the podcast because I think it's irresponsible to even repeat. You know, I don't know. It might get us demonetized for traumatic content. But here we go. I don't know how to say it. So scientists have discovered a new color. I know.
Sick. Sick stuff. They just put this on the internet. Is that responsible? It's called OLO. They say it's only been seen by five people. All your questions are legit. Look, first of all, I would just like to speak on behalf of everyone by saying...
you. Okay. Number one, number two, what the door someone's, we have to start, go back to bullying the dorks. You guys, this didn't, we have to split the difference on the bullying, the dorks. Like we, like, I think some of them do need to stay in lockers. Cause this is just like, they're cluttering and distracting. First of all,
This isn't even true. Only some dork scientist who's never done LSD or smoked weed or gone to a rave thinks no one has seen this color. It's like turquoise. OK, if you guys ever went outside with humans, you would know this color is everywhere. We've all seen this color 20,000 times on bogey boards in Fort Lauderdale on a divorced guy's Oakley strap. This is not a new color, first of all. And if it was, you don't know that.
Yeah. Well, they said it was super saturated. Right. Which sounds like if you were on mushrooms, all the colors apparently go super saturated. There's no such thing as a new color and there's no such thing as a scientist who can see color because they're mostly men and you guys are all colorblind. So I'm not doing this. I won't. I can't. I'm not doing this. This is honestly this is making. How did these scientists make me feel bad for boomers?
The fact that you've made me have imagine calling your parents who are what 70 who paid for you to get a doctorate or whatever science have to get. I don't even know what they need anymore. They just need to have like been on Rogan once or listen to Rogan in order to be a scientist. I don't even know the qualification to be a scientist at this point. But they went into debt for you to become a scientist. And you're like at home for the holidays. Like, hey, so what are you working on? Cancer?
Child leukemia? What are you doing with that diploma? What is it called? The doctorate degree. What are you doing with your degree? And they're like, child leukemia, cancer. Better. We just discovered a new color so that the children who are passing away from leukemia, they'll have another crayon in their Crayola box to look at. Like what?
Are you doing? Your father takes a bite out of his hat. You know why I'm really stressed out about this, right? Why's that? It's because, well, besides the fact that I have rabies, it's another reminder that we don't know anything. And I don't like when people chip away at the illusion that we know something. Can we just know something for good? Can something just be like, we got the color? Like, we got the ROYGBIV. We got it.
Yeah. Right. Look, can you just let us just only know that? Can we only release new information every like 10 years when it comes like periodic table? Like it's just we don't all need to just be thrown this. Like, can you just let us live in the illusion that we know colors, galaxy, history? Like, can we just please live under the delusion that discoveries are just locked? That's that's also how they present it. Do you remember when they looked us straight in the face and they said soy milk is good for you?
How do you think they keep a job?
They roll over the job. Everything's wrong. We got to investigate. But can you not be like, hey, guys, this is true. And then 10 years later, you go, it's not true. Yes, we did make it a requirement from your insurance company that you eat the certain thing that we said was true. And then we found out later it does cause cancer. But we need you to trust us on this one. For real this time. It's probiotics. The thing that needs to be refrigerated for it to stay intact is now in powder form.
And it is a scam, but we need you to use it. It's only about 80 bucks a month. How about you just subscribe so you don't forget to order it so that we can just keep taking money from you forever. We're like a gym membership for your fake gut bacteria issue. But look, look, look, look, look. There's nothing you can really do about this scam because we will win in court if you try to sue us because the placebo effect is in effect. So if you think it's working, it'll work. So if it's not working, seems like that's a you problem.
You just don't believe in it enough. We did our part in making sure you believed all this. We put it we put on the package. We put it right there that it worked. We made a fake study saying it worked. We broke laws to make sure that you had believable fake proof to trigger the placebo effect. And you still couldn't do your part. We even overcharge you. So you thought it must really be something real. How would they ever get away with it?
Magical lie. I like that.
Yeah.
The girls in the spaceship footage was fake. The events in the world are real or fake, all while telling their kids that Easter Bunny hid eggs from them and that Santa Claus is bringing them gifts in the middle of the night from another planet in a sleigh with reindeer flying to the sky. At Easter, it's like the adults are like, yeah, no, no, no. I mean, the moon landing couldn't have been real because, you know, they made a phone call afterwards. They're like, hey, yeah, yeah. So go find the eggs that the big giant bunny left for you. Yeah, no. OK. But then you're saying the CIA documents. Well, where where's the footage then? Yeah. Go look for the little egg.
that the big giant bunny came and left you. Like, I don't, dude, the tooth fairy, a friend of mine just had to deal with that. It's like, do I tell my kid about that the tooth fairy's fake? I was like, do you tell him that money's fake?
what's more fake the tooth fairy or the money left under the pillow at this point i don't know like the kid's gonna be like could you have left me some hot to a coin does the tooth fairy have a coin base connect or something like and who wants to potentially wake up their kid you put that under your pillow i gotta move you in your sleep did you do the tooth fairy with your kids totally yeah and how did it
How much did you leave? It worked out. I think it was a fiver. Uh-huh. I think that was the move. Uh-huh. Like five bucks. Yeah. We actually used the idea. I have a Tooth Fairy pillow that I had as a kid. Aw. Yeah, I still have it. What do you mean? Like it's a little pillow with a little pocket on it that says for the Tooth Fairy. And I had it from when I was a kid. And then my kids got to use it too. And then my question is, did you wash that pillowcase? Look. Firstly. Yeah.
You put the tooth in a bag, then you put the bag in the thing. It's just so wild to me that no one sees the connection between adults and conspiracy theories and kids just being lie, believing the most insane thing. Of course, people think the earth is flat. Their parents told them it was round.
We now just kids just think the opposite of what their parents told them. Remember when our parents were like, you need to sit next to the pool for 30 minutes. You can't go in after you ate. Like we just learned the opposite of what your parents said is what is true. Families are arguing with family members. Like, I can't believe you thought that photo of Kamala Harris and McDonald's uniform was fake as they have an imaginary tea party with their daughter being like,
Beep, beep, beep. Like, I don't... We teach kids that fake things are real. They don't even know what fake is. Fake isn't even a concept. Fake and real are the same thing at this point, honestly. I do believe the truth is over. It's just not... Which is fine. It's not about the truth. It's about your truth.
It's about what you think is true. That notion, it won. We all saw it. We saw that it won. It's my truth. We're like, okay, that's actually just the case because our algorithms only give us things that we know and no one else knows them. So it truly is our, all the lies that you have been fed are true. So I'm not going to argue with your truth. This is, see, this is why we're supposed to be in tribes of 150 people. We aren't supposed to like talk to this many people. Right. It's confusing. It's like the first settlers, like,
In America crossing paths, you know, just out on a hike or whatever. And they like end up in Indiana and the group from Atlanta runs into like people from Massachusetts and the Atlanta ones are like, oh, God, I just we came out here because it's like so hot all the time and the humidity and it's based on sweat. And the ones from Massachusetts are like, huh? It's freezing.
It's freezing in America. What are you talking about? Like each think the other's crazy. Right. But that's just because they didn't know what the other had lived. They didn't know what they didn't know. So we all just assume we all get the same news. We all have the same weather. We all have the same. And we believe stuff so simply, actually. It's one of my favorite things is as a grown adult.
telling a story and hearing myself tell it, but it's a story from childhood. And I go, wait, that's not what happened at all. And it's my first time realizing that, like, wait, no, no.
That was definitely a lie. I was definitely told a lie. That never happened. What? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like when I told my therapist once about when I took a, I was told that I took an Oxycontin, a painkiller at a neighbor's house when they had back surgery. And I'm like telling the whole story. And my therapist went, yeah, that's not what happened. And I was like, God damn it.
That's what was told to me. That's a completely different thing. But yeah, but my parents told me some crazy lie about it. Yeah. You know, so I wouldn't. It's the same thing, though, because you just go, oh, yeah, this one thing happened when I was a kid. And it's like, no, that's what my parents told me. That's you going. So here's the story with Jason Ellis. Totally. The point is, I don't care about your color. I don't care. I'm not doing this. Russia has nukes and we have a new color. How does that look on the world stage? Bad.
Shouldn't this news just be, like, on the wall at a nursery school? Why is it in the Wall Street Journal? We have a new color. Okay, so the Epstein list not out. Who cares? We have a new color, you guys. Do they think this is going to satiate us? Like, hey, guys, we need to buy some time. We need to release a new color. That'll buy it. Remember when they released the new ocean a couple of months? There's a new ocean. We're like, what? There's a new theory about the pyramids. Now they're like, oh, God, there's a new color. Also...
To be clear, I am the target audience for the new color drop, and I don't even care. Well, also... My Asperger's was built in a lab for this very piece of news. I live for the Devil Wears Prada Cerulean monologue. I will argue about the difference between charruce and pistachio the way a guy will argue about, like, would a bear be able to beat five wolves? Like, this is my kink, and I don't care. Oh, my gosh. Blue Chew. Blue Chew is something...
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And we thank Bluetooth for sponsoring this podcast and making my relationship possible. Are you going to explain how they got the new color? Because that is even more batshit crazy. I didn't see it. So here's the thing. Oh, I didn't read the article. Oh, I read it. Here's the thing. So they got a new color, but...
They have to fire lasers into the user's retina to stimulate and not stimulate specific cones that then will trigger them to be able to see this new color. I just want you to know how petty I am because I know they're watching what we're scrolling and how long we're reading things. When I saw this article, I wouldn't scroll because I didn't want the metrics to say someone's reading this article, so I'll screen grab it.
so that they're not having some false idea that I can't because then I'm gonna get 90 things about like there's a new color. I guess the point is, this is what you guys like it does no one care. I guess it's here's the thing. Maybe I should just shut up because I believe that this is the crux of what's wrong with society. What men choose to study in science labs to move our species forward, but maybe I'm just being annoying. Okay. Like,
It's just wild to me that now that scientists were able to prove that girls mature faster than boys, they've got that. They've got that on lock to justify their creepy choices. Now you want to move on to who discovered a new color. So creeps have something to talk to the kids about.
We don't know what's causing everybody to have cancer yet. This news, the stress from discovering a new color. I am getting cancer just thinking about this right now. So is the new color literally like giving out to creeps, icebreakers, when you go up to kids in parks, hey, did you hear about the new color? Like, what? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's the only thing I can think of. Free candy bars to everybody that owns a van. Exactly. It's just like, hey, did you hear about the new color? Like, like,
Kids are like, what? It's weird. I was just like, it's weird. It's like when something new comes along to be added to the Bible of things. I don't I'm not taking this on. That's what we don't need the new ocean. It doesn't apply to me right now. I don't need to know this. This is like when they told us we all have bugs in our eyelashes, like microscopic bugs. Like, how is this helpful? I'm a capacity. I didn't hate school. I liked school because I was under the impression it would be done by the time I got out.
I don't want to learn anything that kids learn in school as an adult. I don't want to discover anything else. Once you're out of school, can you just stay dumb? Like, I don't even... I'm still trying to figure out if Trader Joe's discontinues snacks or not, or if I have to go to another store. Because when I do go there now, they don't have the peanut butter chocolate things. And that was the one thing that was holding me together emotionally today. So we just...
I just can't take on all of this. Just put the new Alio crown in the box. We don't even know all this. I'm not taking on a new color. All right. Get ready for a sick segue. Speaking of toys for kids, all this tariff rigmarole has really sparked discussion about Chinese toys. Sure has. Kids toys, strollers. These are all going to get more expensive because they are made in China. And we're going to tariff war with China. Now,
I just had a child. I feel like I can speak on this with authority. Chinese toys are a problem. OK, not Chinese make American kids toys. Is this good? If you don't agree with war with China, fine. What is true is that for the past year, I have been in a war with Chinese toys personally. OK, first of all, you know, they don't let their own kids play with the toys that they send to America.
Like, they don't, they're not, it kind of feels like the modern day smallpox blankets. Like, imagine the 1800s if the North and the South were at war and the South was like, hey, hey, hey, hey, I know we're fighting and we're both trying to, you know, destroy the other person. But you know what? Like, we're happy to make your kids toys for you. Like, for how cheap? Very cheap. For half of what you would make it, you know? And they're like, hmm, but will it...
Give them a torn Achilles and give our children ADD? If not, I'm not listening. They're like, oh, we can do that. Will the toys be covered in chemicals that cause cancer? And will they be exactly toddler throat sized? We can do that. Sold.
Like, how do you not trust someone with nukes, but you trust them with designing the toys that form the brain of the children that are the future of the country? Does no one think this is crazy? We talk about how, you know, China is going to take trade secrets and chemical warfare. I can't weigh in on that. But I will tell you right now, I know that China, this is how they destroy us. I'll show you right now. They make our kids toys. Look at this toy. Look at this toy. You see this right now? This is a...
It's a turntable for kids, for toddlers. They're training our children to be DJs. This is how they win. Training them to just play other people's music and be a total douchebag with no skills except for tech. This is how mediocre they want our kids to be. You don't even have to touch it for it to do this. It just goes. It's kind of a jam.
It's kind of a jam. I might be in Stockholm syndrome with that toy, but the music is not terrible. But why are they training our kids to be douchebags with no skills except pretending you're good at something because you play stop and play for a bunch of people on drugs? Why are they making instruments for our kids that don't show them how to play instruments? Don't even look at this. Look at this. This guitar, kids guitar made in China. There's a button to play the guitar. OK, this is what my nightmares sound like. By the way, me bar.
Green thing. The point is, make it stop. The point is, the point is that this has a button to play music. The strings, okay, the strings do work. I did not know that. Yeah, but hit the frets, the numbers. These. The letters. I'm just saying, why do these buttons play music? Okay? They don't, this isn't a real guitar. Yeah.
This toy teaches a kid to press a button on an instrument. Why won't China make real instruments for our kids that require them to play it and learn how to play it and have an actual talent instead of just pressing a button? Playing an instrument requires the instrument and your brain developing, whereas becoming a DJ requires you to just go buy a bunch of equipment that's made where?
Wear? Mm-hmm. To be a DJ, you need to buy speakers and a turntable and a laptop and the earphones and the microphone and the sunglasses to wear inside, even though it's dark and there's no sun, and the fake diamond chain and the hat that they keep the price tag on and the magnum condoms they pretend that they need, that they for sure don't need, and the bleach to dye their hair and the tips. Okay.
So they're making us kids want to be DJs. So they have to buy a bunch of more stuff. It's genius. Okay. First of all, I don't even know why DJs are even cool at all. All they do is play other people's music. Like, how do we, why do we think that's cool? Why do girls think that's hot? That's like dating a valet because he has a nice car. Like, can we move on past the DJ thing now? You know, it really, really grinds my gears. I heard a baseball bat for my son. Where was it made?
Louisville. No! China! Weird.
It's a plot. Why wouldn't a kid's baseball bat be made in America? At least this is our thing. No other culture would be insane enough to invent baseball. America is the only place that would come up with a sport where the athletes can be fat. That's us. You don't get to pretend that you would ever allow that in China. They jump off a building if they get a B plus. Like we're not buying that. This is something you would ever make possible.
for your own kids. There's no way that China's kids are playing with these toys. Like...
Chinese kids are playing with like 20 sided dyes and kites and kites. Lots of kites. They play with kites and DNA. By the way, I did look this up. I went to see if baseball was made in America. It is considered America's national pastime, but was not entirely invented in the United States. It was invented in England, like cricket or something. I'm just scanning this. And then North America was played in Canada. But I got this as an overview and AI is made where?
So who knows? Who knows what's true? There are toys that are made in America for kids. The last one that Chris assembled, he's helping me right now. By helping me, I mean completely assembling.
Chris is on the floor helping me assemble this thing for my son. So this is actually made in America. Yes. Well, we have this now because the last thing that we assembled for my son that was made in China was a choo-choo train. And I got it because I had these two arms that held them in. And then the arms didn't work.
That's what... They didn't at all. I don't think they want our kids to survive these toys. They don't... All the toys are also bright and blinky and then the kid gets addicted to it. If my kid sees this scooter that was made in China, it's all blinky and then I take it away, he... Sees a new color? He screams.
He's great. He gets so upset that they're driving a wedge between us and our kids. They want our kids to hate us and it's working. They make these toys in China that are so dangerous for our kids. Also, by the way, I'm actually glad that I gave some thought to this because I no longer feel guilty about this idea that like kids in China are making toys and they're getting injured. No, they're not. They're not lifting a finger, much less getting one cut off. I don't think that's happening because that would require the toy to be made at all.
These aren't being made. They're not being made. I don't think they're on assembly lines. I don't know. I don't know how they do it. I'm clear. These these are mere suggestions of a ghost of a toys past. These are not being built, you know, by kids really tight or being built on an assembly line. They send them to us and then we have to build them. They're not cutting their fingers off assembling them. We're getting divorces assembling them.
Okay, Chris is now assembling something that was made in America. Is this easier to assemble? This is great. Yeah? It's a car. It's like a mini car. And it has a seatbelt. That's how you know it's made in America. Seatbelt. Actually, it keeps the kids safe. And it also has a cup holder for the parents.
That's how you know it was made in America. There's a cup holder for the kid to put his big golf in. It's gigantic. So this looks better because the last one that was made in China, we could not assemble. And once we did, I was ready to call child services on ourselves. Also, when I get toys made in China, you can see the seam from the mold. True.
Am I saying that right? Like, you know how like the edge of the toy has like a sharp little corner that it didn't cut all the way. So my question is, was the machine in China that makes the toys for kids made by a Chinese toy for kids? Like when they're making these toys because they don't have them for themselves and they're on the assembly line, are they like, you know, do they think that these are being made for like monkeys in a zoo? Like this is what you would literally see.
Can you imagine? They're like, oh, are these for like dolphins in an amusement park? Like, what do you guys do with these? Because they can't. It's like when Russia was part of the USSR, a friend of mine who lived in Russia, we didn't even know about other toys. We didn't know about Ninja Turtles. So they're making things that they're not allowed to know about. So what do they tell them this is?
Like, what do they think this is? Oh, this is for the panda bear in the American zoo. Like, I don't, this is a microphone that doesn't even work. The fact that China made a microphone
That got to my house that doesn't work so that I have to say, does this microphone work? Do you know how triggering that is for a comedian? This aquarium is my child's current favorite toy. This is not a normal amount of stimulation for an infant. The baby brain is not designed for this level of mania.
Why is this good? This isn't how fish swim. They don't swim in circles. This is not, I don't know, maybe in China they do because they're a bit closer to the Fukushima leak. But why is this fun? Why are we doing fun music? This isn't what the ocean sounds like. This is exactly why people grow up and go scuba diving and cave diving and lose their heads to boat propellers because of this exact toy. They think the ocean's like a magical, peaceful, cute place. The ocean, to be clear, is the house in True Detective season one just underwater.
It's a Reddit chat room about female comedians, but the comments are animals that are see-through, except that they're skeletons show and they're underwater. The ocean is the Scientology Center, but the beliefs are floating carnivores that can see in the dark and you can't. This is how China gets us.
We don't have to go to war. They get us by getting us to want to go on the water. They get our military age boys thinking the water is a place they'll be welcomed by adorable fish who are going to be happy to see them. 4,000 Americans drown a year in the ocean.
People talk about propaganda only in terms of making something look bad. Propaganda can also make something look good, just as damaging when it portrays something to be good or safe when it is not. Can we just chill with taking books out of schools for five minutes if an old person was ignorant with the way that they wrote it? And I don't know, maybe just let kids know the ocean is hell. Can we just take a day off and just...
The ocean is people hell for sure. It's I can't breathe. Everything's a nightmare. I am definitely making this my cause because I do not want to have to take my son to the beach because it stresses me out. It's it's sand is beige dirt. You cannot change my mind. You will never change my mind. I will take being tarred and feathered any day over being sanded in my crevices for four months after going to the beach. The only good thing about the beach is trying to put a beach towel down.
On the beach. I think it's important. It's one of life's great humiliations. Besides this thing constantly going off. Well, I think I do. Honestly, people are way too confident now and they don't get punched in the face anymore that you don't get in physical fights. The beach is the only thing left to humble people who are too confident when they're trying to put that is the only time someone will be reminded that at the end of the day, we're all just still losers who can't put a towel down at the beach without it blowing away and getting sand on it. Oh,
I love China. Got all the best skate spots. But also, by the way, hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm coming for Chinese toys, but we're not anti-China over here. Chris, we love China because you go skating there. Love China. Okay. Shenzhen, Guangzhou, love China. And you went skating over there? Yeah. Their natural resource is granite and marble. And obviously, they have a lot of people that will do stuff. So they build these...
They'll build a city and then wait for people to inhabit it. So we went to Nanjing and the city was like brand new and like barely any people live there. And there was just high rises and malls and just...
Nobody there. I'm going to reject a lot of toys in general for my kid because it's just too much stimulation. We're definitely not doing the fish floating around in the fake ocean. Whatever happened to just having goldfish that died every couple of weeks? That's what kids need. Giving a kid like a fake aquarium with so adorable. That's like giving a kid a grape runt before you ever give them an actual grape. Eating a grape flavored candy and then eating a grape after that is a form of child abuse, I believe. All right.
I had a bowl of betta fish growing up. Remember betta fish? Oh, yeah. Is that what you call it? We called them Chinese fighting fish. Are even the fish made in China? Are fish are made in China for our kids? It's weird because I used to put them in a bowl with other fish. Why did the pet store person let me do that? Why did they even sell them to me? That's so crazy because I would wake up the next morning and then the others would be dead, right? But isn't it crazy they'd wait? They never did it in front of me. It's like the betta fish knew. Right.
They knew it would only happen at night. How did they know that? Like, they didn't want me to see it. That's interesting. Why did anyone even sell that? Why are fish that kill other fish even available to purchase? Like, how is this a good? But the point is, you know what? Never mind. I'm glad.
It taught me about life. It made me very it made me very humble about the ocean and things that I don't understand. And I think we I think we just need to get kids fish tanks and Chinese fighting fish and let them know what's up earlier. All right. You know what is made in America, though, for kids swim diapers. This is how you motivate an American businessman. You threaten that a kid will shit in their pool.
Like no man is okay with this. Like they were like, we need to make a swim diaper. Okay. We don't have time. This is what America makes for kids. Like we got to get to Joanne's fabrics, get some elastic. We're making these right here in America, right? We don't have time for them to come from China. We need them now. I feel like swim diapers were definitely made by a man who had a pool. Who's dating a girl with a kid who was not their kid.
Like, who cares about a kid pooping in a pool? Like, you're not you're going to just take it out right away.
It look, men treat their stepkids very differently than their actual kids. That is true. And that is where swim diapers came from. I'm not doing any more toys made other places for my son. I told my boyfriend who is a woodworker in addition to professional offing himself on a skateboard. He is a woodworker. He will be making my son toys. All right. I said, I want you to make my son toys. And he's,
He used the table saw to make toys for my son pretty much only during my son's nap time, which almost felt intentional, but he did make them. They are mostly weapons. I should have been more clear in that directive. That is my bad. I know what the kids want. I didn't think I would have to say, please don't make him a wooden sword, but here we are. Here we are. I'll take this over the delusional fish tank any day of the week. I didn't think I'd have to say, please don't make a wooden...
Thor hammer. But here we are. I thought that I will be more specific next time.
Now, we do have a bunch of American made toys in the house now. I did get Chris a 3D printer. I highly recommend buying one of these for your boyfriend or husband if you have run out of things to talk about. It will keep him occupied for hours and he finally gets to live his dream of being a magician. It's like sleight of hand for four hours. There's a big delay between the start of the trick and the ta-da at the end. But you finally get a thing.
no one's ever needed. So with 3D printers, we don't need our kids' toys to be made in China. We just need China to keep making the 3D printers because I'm pretty sure that they do. We're bringing the manufacturing back to the United States. That's what I'm saying. For example, treat yourself to this item Chris recently made for my son. A super sharp plastic snake. And look, I know what you're thinking.
we should call CPS adversity is good for kids is it is it sharp yes it is am I gonna let Henry have it for more than 20 seconds absolutely not will he step on it of course and look is this super sharp all the little corners yeah you know it is it probably made out of what is it made out of what are the uh plastic filament great PLA here's the thing
Look, you want to be science people? I'll be a science person. Studies show adversity is good for kids. That also probably creeps. Yes. People that just want to be mean to kids. Yeah, totally. Adversity is good for them. Adversity is good for them. Like, okay. Or also treat yourself to this thing that doesn't have a name. It's a thing that goes...
It's like a fidgeter. Up and down. It goes all the way through. What would you call this? It's a pass-through. It's a john. Spiral pass-through. Look at this john. It is a john. It is a person, place, or thing. Check this out. It's a thing for your kids to fidget with because they have no attention span anymore because all of the things that they had in their brain-forming years were made in China. The brain-forming years. Uh-huh. You know it. Also, check this out. An astronaut.
Very cool. However, I have notes on this one, babe. I do think toys need a face.
The same way I think robots should not have a face. This feels more like an adult man's toy than a boy's toy. This is like what like a tech guy would like put on his desk in his office to make sure girls never talk to him. I just no face toys. It's like how grown man make figurines more like adults, like how they make hoodies like sweater hoodies now. So it's like not a hoodie. It's like it's a no face thing is sick. Think Phantom of the Opera. Think blank in Dick Tracy. Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
Cool. He's one and a half. You know what I mean? Fair. So we're not doing this anymore. What is this? What is this? We're not doing this nightmare anymore, right? We're doing 3D printed toys and this American made... What is this? A car? This is a car. A vehicle. Sick car. So the problem with this is he's going to go...
I love this car. He's gonna grow up and he's gonna want this car and the tariffs are gonna make it a million dollars. But by then we'll be- And it's gonna be more expensive because it's red. Yeah. By then he'll be working for Waymo. So I guess it doesn't matter. Right. Oh, by the way, sorry. I did bring this too. God damn it. Made in China. Let's end on this. This. I wanted my son to play golf. Okay. Learn how to play golf. It's this thing up here and it doesn't even stand up. Right. See this? Look at this thing. Look at this.
You think you guys are going to stop us from making great golfers? You think? You think you can get in the way of us and golfing? You got something else coming. Where's golf made? Where is it invented? Like Scotland or something? Yeah. Okay. Not even. Tiger Woods driving into a sign and breaking both of his legs, which is weird. We don't all talk about more is going to stop us.
Okay. His little prenup with that Swedish lady didn't even get in the way. Okay. You think that that obviously... Are you just looking at the camera going...
I'm really glad we weren't together when Tiger Woods cheated and that scandal came out. Why? Because. You were talking mad shit about athletes. Was I? Well, no, because guys that were like, well, he's an athlete. What do you expect? That was one of the first things we talked about when we hung out. Really? Tiger Woods? No, just you saying how much you shouldn't date pro athletes. I do have a hard and fast rule to not date pro athletes. That's always been a, but we always become what we hate.
Don't we? Live long enough. I'm just an athlete's trophy girlfriend. I'm just a hot athlete's girlfriend. Whatever you'd call it. No, an athlete's hot girlfriend. Damn. Damn. All right. I officially have a broken brain. I will see you guys in Lexington, Kentucky and Indianapolis soon. And I love you guys. Don't ride elephants.
You know what to do. You know not what to ride. ... ... ... ... ... ...
Bye.