CHRIS COLE | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 268
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Everyone, welcome Chris Cole to the program. Chris, how would you describe yourself? Give yourself, we don't do intros on this show famously, but if you want to do one for yourself. What were you thinking? I don't know, legendary skateboarder? Yeah, I wouldn't have said that. I guess you can't really call yourself that. Here's what, analyze the problem. Wait, I've never asked you this. When you go to the doctor, well, you never go to the doctor. If you were to go to the doctor, what would you write under occupation? Athlete.

It took me a long time for for a very long time. How long? Years, years of being pro. I would write independent contractor and I would write that all the time. And then it was like, oh, I'm going I'm going to the doctor for injuries. Yeah. I kind of need to write. So how long into the doctor's appointment do they ask? What kind of what sport do you play?

Or do they usually think musician until the injuries? They're like, oh, you in like a band or anything like that? If it says athlete? No. If if it says independent contractor, I show up. But if it says athlete, it says athlete. They they just immediately ask. It's instant. Are they usually surprised? Yeah, actually, they are.

They are. They're as surprised as a person on an airplane next to you. I'm still surprised. Like Tony Hawk. That's usually how it goes. I'm still surprised you're a professional skateboarder. You don't look like one. Pat, do you think he looks like one? The highlights speak for themselves. Professional skateboarder. Three-time X Games gold medalist. And

Street League. Super crown. Super crown. Ooh. Yeah. That's the terminology. Should I just interview Chris? Because I know truly nothing about your accomplishments. That would be awful. Thrasher two time of the year. Skater of the year. Yep.

You're now live. Oh, look at us. We're live. Okay. I am here with the hacky sack legend, Chris. Oh, sorry. I need my mic up. Sorry. Look, when has anyone complained that they couldn't hear me? Mic up, bruh. Or that the mic wasn't close enough to my face. So we are recording a podcast, Chris Cole and I. He is the love of my life. Love you more. You don't love me more. You don't know that. Yeah.

I hate see I hate loving you. I hate shit like that because you can't quantify it and you don't know you love me more. But you just get to say that. Sure. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. How do you know you love me more? You're basically just going, hey, you don't love me enough to feel. No, you're sure. No, it's just saying like, hey, I'm best at love. I just wanted to see your reaction.

Any more tattoos on the horizon for you? Yeah. Chris Cole? Really? I got a really good one. We're not done? No. No? Just getting started. They do hurt more. So Chris does have some iconic tattoos. He's got a Ninja Turtle on his leg. I do. And a...

Nope. What do I got? What do I got? You know what? I try not to ask about your tattoos because of your shady past. I don't know. It's just like a girl named Trina. I don't know. There's no Trina on here. No Trina. Yes. No, snake flower. Look, look, Rocky Horror Picture Show. My eyes are closed. Bumblebee. A ghost with high heels. Horror ghost. Uh,

your skateboard logos. One is like a skull with his face falling off. One is a giant moth with a skull on its head. Your back, you don't have any actually.

I can't see it back there. It's weird that guys get tattoos on their back. It's like totally solid if you want to get a tattoo on your back. But that's a lot of canvas. It's going to take forever. It's going to hurt. And a man's going to be on your back. It's going to cost a lot, too. I'm good. Okay, so here's what I'll say. I love Chris Cole with every ounce of my heart. Two things that may end up being cited as irreconcilable differences in the legal Zoom proceedings. Number one.

When we get to the Target or the grocery store, that's when the real journey to the store begins. That's when we, if you have half a tank of gas, you better go fill up. Because if we're in the parking lot, you're going on a road trip.

I'm working on that. If you get to the Trader Joe's at five, you'll get into the Trader Joe's around 637. I'm just looking for a space. I don't like the stalk for a space, though, but I'll definitely pass spaces that just have bad vibes. Perfect spot. Right up front. I don't like where I am.

In like right there, junction, literally right next to the car thing. It's right. Perfect. There's something bad about it. Like it's like on a Native American burial ground or something like I don't want to park there. Bad juju. Yeah. Like dead pets will come back. And then what's the other thing? Oh, that he will ask me things that it would actually be slower to ask. Like Googling, it would be faster.

And I really struggle with infantilizing you and right and answering questions for you. And then all of a sudden I'm your like caretaker, like nurse. Yeah. And like the memory. I feel like I'm in the memory care unit, especially when it's like, where's the party tonight? Like, I don't you know, I don't know. I'm going to have to look at the thing. Yeah. And why don't we just deal with that thing before the thing? Why now?

Yeah, I don't. You know what else? I'm because of I am not obsessive. I'm addictive. I don't want to be on my phone any more than I already am. And if I go on my phone to Google something for you, that's 45 minutes. I'm gone. I'm on three chicken fry. Grace O'Malley drama. I'm off to the race. You're gone. Oh, somebody said Chris Cole. Can you heal flip?

Can I? Do I? Will I? Love a heel flip. I don't know what a heel flip is. Someone said you look so genuinely in love. Is this real? Yeah. You think? Yeah. When did you know you love me, babe?

You know, I was trying to think of exactly when and I don't... The moment you saw me. It was... No. It wasn't that. Okay. Because remember the first time we hung out, I was like, does she even like me? I'm taking my gummy bears. The first time we hung out, he showed up at my house covered in saran wrap because he had just gotten a tattoo on his left arm, covered in and just walked in holding two bags, one bag of gummy bears, one bag of gummy worms, eating them as he was walking in. And I literally was like, I am...

never dating a professional athlete. Again, I swore that to myself. She would say it all the time on the pod. If you're a real fan, you'll remember it. But you also know anyone that denies something and protests too much, they are going to do it. It's just like, and so you came in, I was like, okay, I'll give this guy a shot. He seems like so sweet and such a like family, like sweet guy. And you came in like after getting a tattoo with like gummy bears. Like I was trying to not bleed on stuff. Oh, it was disgusting. Yeah, it was disgusting.

And then we hung out for like a couple hours and you were kneeling on the other side of the couch. And oh, no, no, no. Oh, is this just how dating is now? Within 20 seconds of him being in my house, he pulls up YouTube videos that I had to watch YouTube videos about David Bowie and Freddie Mercury. I don't getting AIDS together. I don't know how to human.

Well, I'm like, I'm a comedian. I got this. I talk. This is my thing. Okay. If you do, right, let's bring that. Let's talk about that. So she's seen nothing. Like as far as like the funny. The camera's there. Hey, as far as the funny videos that are online, she's seen none of them. So like if you send her something, she's not watching it because she's seen none of them. Name them. Name them. Okay. Freddie Mercury and.

And David Bowie. No, it was Mick Jagger. I was Mick Jagger and Freddie Mercury dancing in the street or Mick Jagger and David Bowie. Jeez.

Who cares? I mean, like anyway, it was dancing in the streets, but it had no backup and you could hear their feet move around. No, no, it sucked enough to watch. I don't want to relive it. You narrate telling me. Anyway, you didn't see it. So then I had to watch YouTube videos with him. Danzig Shakira. Hips don't lie. You didn't see that. OK, so then he left and it was like, oh, you know, like it could be like a cute like hog or something. And he started walking out of the house and then he did a U-turn. I was like, hey, are you going to eat those gummy bears?

And I was like, nah, dog, you can take them if you want. It's all you, man. I didn't want to leave trash at your house. So I knew that was a risky move to ask about the gummy bears. But it was mainly I just didn't want to leave trash. But I have a trash can. You could have been just like, oh, let me throw this out. But if you weren't going to eat them, I was going to eat them. So it's like, what do I do?

Do you remember Maloof in NYC? Someone wants to know. Yeah, I do. You want to hear a funny story about it? Please. Okay. I fully got heat stroke.

Like because it was if that person remembers, it was hot as hell. OK, it was so, so hot. OK, I was skating in white pants, by the way. Like if I'm wearing white pants, I'm skating. You know that like I'm feeling pretty good. OK, right. Like you don't want to be the asshole that sucks in white pants. That's a good point. Right. So I was wearing white pants, getting heat stroke enough that like people were throwing up in the middle of the contest. They would like lean over the barrier and throw up.

like mid contest okay um and i had heat stroke enough that i pissed myself mid contest didn't even know until i got back to the hotel what does having heat stroke have to do with pissing yourself oh dude like i was skating a contest with heat stroke just when i got okay with him calling me babe it's taken a year he's now calling me dude no dude was for all them okay

You're not dude. Thanks, babe. Someone wrote, is Whitney exhausting, super fun, or both? Never exhausting. Never exhausting. Super duper fun. Really? Yeah. Not exhausting. Really? Why do you keep looking over there when you say it? Because I'm really thinking about it. Yeah, but you keep looking over there. Okay. Wait, is this better? Yes. I hate this.

You hate looking me in the eye? I just don't like that type of animal. I don't know what this means. What's your worst Christmas gift ever received? Someone that sued me bought me a candelabra with my own money. You? Happy holidays to you and yours. And a lot of people this season are going to really conjure their inner huckster and try to just chill. Chill their garbage. And like, I don't...

I'm in a public fight with David Portnoy. Okay. And I'm gaining hair. Okay. But the, the amount of stress that I'm under, plus the fact that I gave birth to a tiny vampire who ate most of my bone marrow, all of my 98% of my brain and all of, look at my, I look, I am, I mean, Jason Momoa, who? Sorry. Jason Momoa. What?

Jason Momoa. And I'm like trying to write jokes for CNN New Year's Eve, pulling my hair out. OK, and I still have all these luscious locks. Look at my hair. OK, if I take another Nutrafol, I'm going to look like this. I feel like I should. I feel like I should stop taking them. Quite frankly, it's too much as far as I'm concerned.

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and free shipping. Visit Nutrafol.com and use promo code good for you. That's Nutrafol.com promo good for you. This show is brought to you by BetterHelp. You guys, I don't, I can't, if you're not going to therapy around the holidays, I don't want, I'm unfollowing you on TikTok. You're not allowed to complain about how stressful the holidays are if you've already, you know, made a Yule log in the shape of never Trump.

You know, it's a holiday. We're not doing politics over the holiday. You guys need to go to there. You guys need to go to better help. Go to therapy. Figure it out. You guys got to figure out a way to coexist with other people, even if they didn't vote the way that you wanted to, even if they don't have a Greta Thunberg sticker on their bumper of their electric car. We got to figure out a way to get along. And for me, therapy is a miracle because it helps you separate yourself from

Like your ego, the ego that's telling you that everything everybody else is doing and believing is at you, like as a personal affront to you. Like no one's thinking about it. It's like my therapist said once.

You know, like the insecure narcissism of thinking like I'm a piece of shit at the center of the universe, like the simultaneous, like low self-esteem, but also self-absorption of like she would always say, like we obsess over what people think of us until we realize they're not thinking of us. And also it's like there's something kind of wild when you like think of yourself as a really altruistic, kind, benevolent person.

And you're so mad at that other people aren't as nice and kind of benevolent as you. And you're like, oh, wait, I'm kind of my being a bully. Like, that's so different than the narrative I have about myself. You know, so it's like I feel like the people over the holidays that are the most brutal. There was like, oh, so you didn't do this for that. You didn't vote like this to help these people. And you're like, the irony is like in your head, you think you're like.

You think you're like kind, like you'll be kind to someone you've never met or this like vague group of people, but not like the family member right in front of you. You know what I mean? So that's stuff that I feel like therapy really helped me. Please don't run around in the holiday season just drinking nog.

without therapy. Okay. BetterHelp is a miracle. You just have to fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist. You can switch therapists at any time for no extra charge. BetterHelp is here for you. Visit betterhelp.com slash Whitney today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Whitney.

Chris is, you know, when I knew I was in love with you, I did know I was in love with you when we went to something and he was talking to everybody and got along with everybody. I didn't have to like take care of him at all. And then he came up to me and he's like, you need me to jump on any grenades? Like any people I do. Anybody I need to babysit. Anybody I need to babysit for you. Yeah.

That's couple bubble before the party. Like, hey, did you invite anybody that needs babysitting? Because I'll. Babe, couple bubble. This is something called a couple bubble. It's Dan Tatkin wrote a book. I don't remember what it's called, but one of the tactics is called couple bubble, where before you go into a party or an event or whatever it is, wedding, you don't.

You do a couple bubble and you go like, OK, is there anyone you don't want to talk to? Is there anyone? OK, here's who I don't want to talk to. You know, are you hungry? Do you want to actually eat? How long do you want to stay? If you want to stay longer and change your mind, let me know. Do you want to be with me or want to like go off on your own? And then you decide that ahead of time so that you don't walk out of the party two hours later and be like, what the hell was that?

Like, I wanted to leave. Why are you doing this? I thought you wanted to stay. Like, I'm starving. And then you just like are in a fight about this party that was like supposed to be fun. Yeah. Oh, I think we can. I think we can up it one and do like codes. Like if you see me tugging on my ear a lot, that means I'm like, I need to get out of here. Like, help me. OK, help me. But you're always itching yourself in some way. So how could I know that's true? I I am.

It's probably because I don't moisturize. I said that I knew that I was in love with Chris when I went to talk about him on stage. And I, you know, like normally when I like do a bit on stage about a guy I'm dating, I'm like, and then he was like, so anyway. And then it's like always like they have, you know, a billion chromosomes or something. Like I just that's my impression of guys for whatever reason, you know. And then the first time I talked about you on stage, I was like, you know, and then he was like, so where should we go for dinner? And I was like, what?

I respect I respect him. When did that happen? I'm slipping. Someone just wrote Silver Ocean eight. Love you. Thought you'd be single forever. I'm not single. Look, I think that anyone never been single. No, I think anyone that is single is by choice. I just I refuse to stay in a relationship that doesn't make any sense because it's not fair to anybody. Do you know what I mean?

Yes, no. If you're not a match, just you got it. You got it. I will not stay in something that is even 99% perfect. You're bright enough and also had the wherewithal to go and trust yourself that you knew that these things weren't right. And most people don't have that. If I have doubts about someone that I'm with, I...

have to bounce because like I just I don't know. It seems very simple to me to put yourself in the other person's shoes. If they were having doubts about me, I would want them to bounce. Totally. I'm like, I think people don't trust themselves enough to just go. Maybe it's me. I don't know. And like, am I like maybe they're fine and I'm not. The jig is going to be up eventually in four months and six months. I'm not going to be able to pretend it anymore than like, who's this person? I'm like the person that you've

wanted and they're like what you definitely trust yourself when you're not thinking about trusting yourself because you you're right because no you were just like i'm gonna start a podcast and it's gonna be like this and it's gonna be in this room and it's gonna be all blue and it's gonna look like the weird science kitchen like all that stuff you didn't think like hey this is a huge leap and i probably maybe shouldn't you're just like gotta do that and just did it i mean you jump off buildings

On skateboards. I'm very confident there. But risk assessment, I totally trust that I know when it's not safe. Top three skateboarders to have a session with, Chris Cole. Top three to have a session with. That's a tricky one because if someone was like, top three people to act with, I wouldn't say the people I'm in the most awe of. I'd say the people that I have the most fun with. Totally. Would you say like Rodney Mullen?

Yeah, like, I mean, he's one of the great. Yeah, there'd be like there there'd be the Rodney Mullen, Jeff Rowley, Mark Johnson. Right. And then there'd be the the the dudes that the people that I skate with every week. OK, that's name them. Name them. Name them. Name them. Dane, Dunya, Adam, Derm, Ruben, Kat, Monk. You have a great question. Can you two agree to watch the same TV show or movie?

She won't watch anything with me ever. Now you look me in the eyes. Yeah, because I was challenging you. I was like, say I'm wrong. I am happy to watch Apple screensavers with you any day of the week. She loves Apple screensavers. She will watch those. But we started watching The Last Dance.

She bailed. What was that? That's the Jordan, the 1990 Bulls. I don't like the way they treated Dennis Rodman and Scottie Pippen. And it was upsetting me. I didn't like it. I think they still owe Scottie Pippen money. They do. Am I wrong? They do owe Pippen money. So we're just going to watch this and not start a Kickstarter for Scottie Pippen?

I mean, unsung hero, Chicago Bulls. Yeah. Okay. I mean, that's why I can't watch the Cowboys documentary because if they're like they're underpaid, I'm going to be like, pay them. Like, I can't watch injustice and not go online. You're dating an Eagles fan. So like Cowboys documentary? Nah. Oh, well, that's right. You lost me at Cowboys. Cowboys cheerleaders, not even cheerleaders. There's something funny. The idea of a guy like if you were single and had it. Disgusting. Disgusting.

Like what if like a hot Cowboys cheerleader tried to flirt with you? No, never. She was so hot. She's like, no, I used to like I'm not even a Cowboys fan. I just needed a job. Wrong job. Imagine you just wrong. Like the hottest Cowboys. Wait, the hottest Dallas Cowboys cheerleader being like, hey, like, want to go home with me later? Not fool.

Okay, him falling in front of you as it turned you off. So that's a fan. That's a really good question. She hasn't seen me fall yet, except for that one time in the pool. I saw you fall 68 times at Wallenberg. Embarrassing. Well, that's why I didn't understand that he was a famous skateboarder. 67 times. 67, what did I say? Okay.

I look, I've fallen that many times in love with you, babe. Let's be honest. I love that. I didn't understand that he was a famous or successful skateboarder because I went to his page and it was mostly falling.

cringe, embarrassing. I didn't know that in skating that if you were really good, you could post yourself falling and it would just be like funny, you know? So I was like, good for him. Good. Like go keep going. It's exciting. Go get them. Get the fans going. It just didn't make any sense to me that you would fall that many times and then keep pursuing that job. Oh, you know what? If you start falling at a really young age, you don't know anything different.

Okay. So it's like, oh, I just know that. Also. So why is he like 100 feet away? Because we're remote on the podcast. We're trying to record a camera over here and there's a camera over there. That's right. That's right. Also, it's nice to post. Well, it's nice to post falls because then you get you get to like show people like, hey, we fall too. So you are going to pick at your skin on the podcast. No, what I'm doing is I'm itching a tattoo that's raised. I literally asked him to stop itching and picking at his skin for an hour.

That's all I asked. She didn't ask nicely. Okay. This is a great question. It's Mac. White Christmas lights or colored? Chalk this up on that legal Zoom again. Another one of our irreconcilable differences. I love colored lights. Okay. Say okay. I love them because they have the flavor. They feel like- Divorce.

They feel like they have a taste to them. I know that that's weird, but I see them. Because it's bad taste. And I think like... It's bad taste. I just think like 80s Christmas. I feel like a kid again. Colored Christmas lights are the sketchers of Christmas trees. Don't say that. Don't say that. Colored Christmas lights are the... Take that back. Take it back. Are the starry...

Take it back. I've been drinking that drink, Starry. It's like fake Sprite at the airport a lot. Oh, it's Sprite. No, it's not Sprite. Don't try to change the subject. Colored Christmas lights are the true religion genes of Christmas trees. Somebody chime in. That's not true. Colored Christmas tree lights are the under armor lights

Teva knockoffs of Christmas trees. I'll do this all day and you know I will. Yeah, but like just do it a few times and make them good. But there's never purple on colored Christmas lights. It's yellow, orange, green, red. Blue. Definitely blue. But here's my thing. If you're going to do Christmas, do it. If you want to do it. Yes. Red, green, white, gold. That's it. Oh, okay.

That's it. When you carve a pumpkin, do you add blue stripes to it? Do you let your pumpkins be blue on Halloween? You know how much I love a pumpkin. I do. You know how much I love a Christmas tree. And you're going to just talk like this in front of the public. Okay. You can't speak about pumpkins around a pumpkin expert. And I won't speak. You just speak about you just we zoomed or whatever. We FaceTimed and he was decorating his Christmas tree in his house. Not only was it a colored tree.

It was blinking. So, okay, a colored tree. That was in demo mode. If it was... It was in demo mode. If your tree is colored, fine. We'll talk through it. Let's not call it colored. Okay, that's not... Okay, now we're out of the algorithm. Multicolored. If your Christmas tree is multicolored, I'll let it slide. I'll allow it. If it is blinking in any capacity, I will...

Call the police. It was in demo mode. I hadn't figured out how to. I didn't want to read. This is someone that spent 24 hours. I did nurse him back to health because he had a migraine. And then he goes and has light up seizure tree. Yeah, I hydrated a lot before putting in that Christmas tree, though.

OK, Jenna McHugh would like to know, wait, but when did he know he loved you? We did drop the ball on that. Yeah, well, I didn't I couldn't remember exactly when it was. What? I couldn't remember. There was a moment.

OK, the thing I love about you and here's the thing about guys in general that I'm learning with you is that when they have a disappointing answer or say they don't know something like your anniversary or something they should know, if they say they don't know it, that means at least you can trust them all the time because this is the time you should lie and you're not. I know you don't lie. I'd rather break my heart than lie. I don't know. But I but what I do know is. And you only said it because you were in you were in a thing.

It was pretty early, but I know. Right guy. You know. Lived a lot of life. But how long between you knowing and you saying it was there? It was a minute. Why? Because I already knew that it was early to say it. But I was just like, no. I also told you you better not. And then you did. And I was like, you shot your... I know. She did handle it so poorly.

I didn't so poorly. I didn't handle it poorly. I just said, look, we're adults. Don't say you love me. You've said it to plenty of people. We've all said it plenty of times. I would I don't want to just hear it and then feel stuck in something or then feel like suddenly things need to feel different because you said this like word that's supposed to be this magic word.

And I would because I've had people say it to me, but I didn't feel it, you know. And so my thing was, don't I'll let you know when you love me. You don't have to tell me. I'll let you know. I'll take the pressure off. You know, we don't have to do this weird thing. We have to wonder when we're going to say it. And he's going to say it. I'll let you know. How would you have let me know? Let's do that.

Would you have been like, oh, you love me? No, I wouldn't have. Okay. No, I would not have. No, that sounds like someone who would rescind their girlfriend invite, but okay. He asked me to be his girlfriend and then rescinded it. Well, I said... You know? I said... Rescinded it. Sicko. I said, you want to be my girlfriend? And you said, I don't know. What are my duties as your girlfriend? It's called flirting, you dork. I know, but I was like way too like...

I don't know. Vulnerable? Literal. You also hadn't asked me to be your girlfriend. And I was like, are you going to ask me to be your girlfriend at some point? And you're like, do you want to be my girlfriend? I was like, what does that entail? What does that entail? And I was like, never mind. He did say that. He rolled over. He went, never mind. You like pushed me off. Yeah. I truly believe you have to ask someone to be your girlfriend. You don't get to just do that assumption.

I believe in that, too. That's cool. I also think that you should have expectations. It's like, are we talking every night before bed? Do we talk every day when we're out of town? There's not like a dance I have to ask you to. So I should probably just. Yeah, I just do. I feel like a relationship is better when you're like, OK, like what does that entail? Like, seriously, like, like, do I call you every night before bed? Do we FaceTime when I'm out of town? Like figure it out after we're dating. No. Who's that worked for?

Us. We're still doing it. I know. We are. That's because I keep asking, what are the rules? I mean, we're doing it. Did I see Dave hating on me today? Dave Portnoy was hating on me today? I can't wait. Honestly, oh, oh, oh, no.

Oh, I have never had a problem with Dave Portnoy. I think we've always gotten along. I did the BFFs podcast a long time ago. It's working for him. I think that he knows that controversy is how he's, you know, stays relevant. And there's something kind of like,

What is that? He's like car accident, like, you know, drama. He knows that I do. I do not know how to create drama in order to stay relevant. I'm horrible at it. I try to make everybody like me. It's a horrible business model. I am going to slip into irrelevance because I refuse to have like Internet beefs with people because I have a conscience and I have to live with myself and have integrity or else I'm going to like, you know, relapse. So I just.

I think it's wild that these two human being girls that are 25, that he is filming their emotional trauma for views. I think it's wild. Everyone knows that. I mean, Chris has met Grace. Like Grace went on tour with me. I love her dearly. Brie, I don't know Brie that well, but.

He knows that she just went through a traumatizing ordeal. I don't know exactly what happened. No one ever will. But like, let's...

you know, I believe what happened to her, right? Until provided other evidence. So she just went through this horribly traumatic thing. I've been in a really toxic, nasty, abusive relationship too. When you get out of it, you're full of adrenaline. You're full of cortisol. You don't know which way is up. You know, sometimes you do self-destructive things. Sometimes you overshare. Sometimes you haven't unpacked it all yet. Why am I looking? Why aren't I looking at you guys? So

To film her on to put on camera before she's even been able to sort through all of her emotions and just like, yeah, we need to talk about you and Grace hating each other. Like she still hasn't processed this relationship that she was just in. And just also give their friendship a second. Give their friendship. They've been friends for a long time. Give their friendship a second. I just I don't know. I see two girls in a lot of pain and I feel like he's inserting himself.

Am I wrong? Am I nuts? Watch that person be wrong. And he said nothing about you today. Am I wrong? But also like neither of these girls, if they want, if Brie wanted to take some time off and maybe heal and process and, you know, unpack everything happened with her and Zach and, you know, and if she wants to do it this way, and if 20 years she looks back and said, I handled that exactly the way that I wanted to, that's awesome. But there's a chance that Brie might look back and go,

Oh, my God. I was so tired. I was like, so I was full of regret and shame and embarrassment. And I hadn't had time to process it. And I should have been, you know, talking to a therapist or I should have tried to work it out with Grace privately. Like, has he even had they even had an opportunity to do this privately?

You know, what if they did try to heal privately, but then she kept having to go on BFFs and it just was making it worse and worse? I don't know. I'm literally at the point in my life where I do not give a shit about success or fame. The most important thing to me is my friendships and not relationships, clearly, because I'm having you on here. But I just wouldn't at some point. Wouldn't he just go, hey, I'm bored?

The bigger question is, why is a Dave Portnoy bored? Bored to tears. I try to tell Chris about the Breonna Grace drama and he's just like, like 25 year old girls fighting. Shouldn't this be boring to you? Maybe that's the bigger issue. Well, because immediately you get, you find the cheese. Like you immediately get to the end of the labyrinth and you're like,

OK, well, I don't have to give me any more details. What's the sport like? Like watching girls in their 20s just suffer like it was a sport. It feels sadistic to me. It's not just to the girls. I mean, it seems like all the employees are in a like Stockholm syndrome, like kind of nightmare. But sorry, anyway, you got me in trouble. The things we got. Chris, what trick scared you the most? There were tricks where I was like, I'm going to die. Like, I'm going to try this, but like, I'm going to die. Someone wrote Whitney's the scariest trick.

Wallenberg probably. Wallenberg wasn't scary. Why? Because it's got its cards laid out for you. You know, I'm going to jump from here and I'm going to fall down there. When you're jumping on something that you might fall over the back of and fall down a story. But when you're at that stage in your career, like I actually find myself as a comic having more fear.

I was so much more fearless in my 20s because I didn't even I had I had nothing to lose. And I was so broke. And there was I was too stupid to know, not take like extreme risks now. And maybe it's like social media and all the stuff that goes on the comics now and people filming clubs. I'm like, oh, I don't want to say that. It's me in trouble. Yeah. I have so much more. I have so much more fear now. Yeah. You have stuff to lose now. Do you feel like you had to do a lot of self-work to be ready? Quote for each other.

Oh, we both did so much work. It's insane. Yeah. It's cool to meet somebody who also did work. But if I may, I think that we both did a lot of work to be the people that like deserve the other person and to be able to like communicate with each other. But I also think I thought I need a lot more work than I did. Right. Until I met you because I was like, oh, well, that doesn't bother me about you. Like, oh, I don't get jealous with you.

You know, oh, I don't I don't feel like I need to control this about this person. I didn't feel like I needed to change anything about you except how dry your skin is. Which is awesome, though, because if you if you do the work, still do the work. Great. You know, it's good to do the stuff and then not need it. Favorite horror film. Joe Dirt. Nightmare on Elm Street. OK.

Nice. Properly scary. No, it's Candyman. Candyman 2, Farewell to the Flesh. That's the one. Yeah? But you don't like scary movies, I thought. I don't. I don't either. Why are we signing up to be scary? It's stressing me out. I also like Black Swan, and Black Swan is like... Whoa. Oh, the one with like hot ballerinas? Yeah, but it's like creepy. Yeah, it is. That's true. I don't know why that would be like cool to watch, but it is. I want to see a comedian version of The View hosted by you. Thanks for saying that. Also, what is The View doing?

I don't know. What a wreck. I mean, this show, I used to respect that. I mean, who was on it that I liked? Whoopi Goldberg. Well, I used to love Whoopi Goldberg. I mean, I guess I'm still attached to her and like Ghost and stuff. But like, it is a disaster. It's like a legal disaster. Why not just, why not call it? Please, I'm going to hold, okay, the audience, I'm holding you and Chris accountable. Me? Yeah. If I am doing something in 20 years where I am just...

a disgracing myself on a daily basis and a punch line. Please just put me down. Intervene. I'm going to give you a conservatorship. What worldview do these people really have? No, I'm just saying, like, can no one just go, hey, guys, there's no this isn't working. I did that with my sitcom, literally NBC. I just was like, I don't I'm not feeling this character anymore. I feel like I've outgrown this character. Like, can we just call it? You know what I mean? Can I just call it? Can we just cut their losses?

And just go, you know what? We had a good run. But like, this is embarrassing. Does anyone get embarrassed anymore? I'm embarrassed all the time. Favorite candy. We did this the other day. What's my favorite candy? It's hard one. Mars bar. I forget. No, it's payday. It was a payday. Do they still even make a Mars bar? It was a payday. It was. Well, it's candy corn. You know, I'm a year round candy corn person. The pumpkins preferably. Pat knows that.

And I didn't even open the bag. I have them here somewhere. And then there was payday because we saw them at the store. But Kit Kat's my number one, number one. Yeah, but I said Kit Kat last time. And then you told me it was payday. Depends on the circumstances. OK, that's fair. If we're talking chocolate bar.

So everyone agrees. Leonard is here. Mars bar was an offensive answer. Yeah. You know what? That's fair. That was tough. Yeah. I'm actually honestly, I'm going to really be honest. Frozen Snickers.

It doesn't get back. Insane. Yeah. Snickers is like whatever. Frozen Snickers. It's a different thing. It's another level. Yeah. OK. Take five bar is kind of my go to. Never had it. Not once. It's so good. Mm hmm. Reese's bought it. It's that good. Hmm. Reese's was like, we'll take that. Reese's peanut butter cups. I just it's not. I need a wafer. Like, it's just too decadent for me. I need a wafer. This is awesome that you say that. No, I don't want the bar. I don't buy it. No, no, no. Check it.

So I lived in a test area growing up, right? Like it was a it was a lot of different class systems in the same area. So we were a test market. So we got things like Pepsi Kona, which was a coffee flavored Pepsi, right? That never came out. We also got Reese's cookie cups. And so they were Reese's peanut butter cups. But in the bottom of it inside, it would have an like an Oreo top.

Like cookie. Oh, right. Yeah. And they had and they came in a they came in a yellow pack. Don't tell RFK about this item. And so you got to have them. But I mean, remember, like Pepsi clear. There was a minute where Pepsi was clear and then it just went away. Yeah. You know, sick ice cream Twix. You know what? We should we should we should try that. Never had it. Yeah. Nickname. Is there a nickname for Chris? I don't know this for that. She doesn't know.

What do I call? I don't have a nickname for you. You're super. I don't like babe, but I had to surrender to it. Ultimately, it was my son's first word was babe, babe, because we call each other babe all the time. I use it. Are you sorry? Proud. My son's first word, babe. My son looked at me and just went, babe, babe. I'm getting cat called by my son because of you.

I like the term babe. And the way that I use it is like a rock and roll dude from the 80s would say it. I love Chris so much. Chris lets me like just be what? Why? Sometimes I don't take Prozac and I interrupt and I ramble and I talk and I can't. Sometimes I can't stop talking. It is a tick. It is. I'm on Prozac. I'm doing the best that I can. I do have Tourette's.

If I feel like a point needs to be made and it's not being made and I'm not getting some kind of affirmation, but I'll probably you're probably just like, I get it. Move on. But I'm like, I don't think totally. And I'm like, I don't think you're hearing me. So I'll say it a bunch of different ways because you'll just be like that. And I'll be like, he's not hearing me. And then one time he just went, shut up. I said it really with trepidation. It was so sweet. Maybe just shut up.

And I was like, thank you so much. I just needed someone to tell me. I don't know how to get her to stop. I tried other ways. Because I physically can't stop. And I need you to just tell me to shut up. Yeah. You know what I mean? Shut up is actually nicer than like, I got it. Or calm down. Or relax. Yeah. Like, nothing works. I was just like, oh, what do I do? How do I? You went, no, you went like, shut up? Yeah.

You guys, you know how life is. You know how it can be like unpredictable. I mean, look at me. I'm in a vest. One moment, everything's fine. The next moment, you're dealing with some nightmare. You're in the aftermath of someone else's rigmarole, their negligence, their tomfoolery, the skullduggery. If you're ever injured, you deserve to be paid for what you lost. Morgan & Morgan is America's largest injury law firm with over one...

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What about me is weird to you and I'll tell you what's weird to you about me because there's also this other thing where when you haven't been in a relationship in a while or like allowed someone in your space for a while you don't realize how weird you are because you've been living alone for a while and you just do so we've both been living alone for a while and now all of a sudden we're like sharing a space and I'm just like the other day he opened his backpack and a moth flew out. That did happen.

It also happened directly after we were talking about me kind of like for some reason, like my stuff's always like ripped and dirty. And like I have like old vintage shirts and like I'm just kind of like I have, you know, dirty hands and stuff like that. And then I opened up my bag. It's called ashy. There's a difference between ashy and dirty. You're ashy. You're not dirty. You just refuse to moisturize.

Yeah. Yeah, I do. I do. I've gotten this far without moisturizing and now I look like a catcher's mitt. But a moth flew out of my bag and I saw it fly out and I was just so defeated. I just watched it. I went, oh, come on. You did. He went, come on. Got me good. Did you bring it from your plate? Like, I have no idea where to come from.

But then like right after it, like a bunch of the bunch of those things happened. Like I'd pick up my I'd pick up my clothing on the ground and it'd be like a spider run out. Yeah. But I like, you know, me. I look when there's a praying mantis inside. I'm like so flattered. I'm like, I'm more like they're all conspiring against me. You don't belong here. And they're like scampering away. Get out. Meanwhile, my house is full of ants 24 hours a day.

I'm 12. Did it happen before I was here? Oh, wait. Or am I just eating cookies in the shower? That's a really good point. I had an infestation right when we started dating. That is literally when it started. Babe. Babe. Babe. Here's what I love about you, babe. You're very straight. You're the straightest of all the guys. No one's. Every mole has a hair coming out of it.

I mean, there's not. I mean, is that the way to describe it? I was like feeling good. I was like, hell yeah, dude. And then you're like. Every hair on your face is a different length. That's cool. I'm with that. Okay. What do you think is weird about me that you haven't told me though? You have to say for the first time. That I haven't told you. Well, what have you told me? You think I'm weird? I.

This is a booby trap. And if I'm as big a Goonies fan as I think I am, this is a booby trap. Oh, that's one of them. We were watching Goonies and I couldn't stop talking about the cinematography. The lighting. You're like, oh my God, the lighting is amazing. I was like, never watching a film with you.

Like you breaking down the story plot like this the sound studio like somebody's I don't know Nobody talks about a good the lighting is in that movie and now I do so it's incredible I watch like if Goonies comes on with other people around I'm just like I just take it like it's mine now Okay, this is something that I didn't totally expect from a skateboarder. I've never met someone who is as Competitive as me and like a petty way

Oh, yeah. You are so petty. Other way. Like, you know, it doesn't matter. That's did that matter? I do. Did that matter when it did that when he doesn't want to answer something because you won't lie. You'll just go, huh? What? What did that matter? Whether it was Apple or Spotify or did you just need a little win?

You did say one time. Oh, you did. I wanted you to be right. I love when you say that. Oh, babe, I love when you when you admit that you don't know something there. There was one time that we were arguing about something and you were like, just let me have this one. I need one today. I need this so badly.

Faye, the velociraptor. What an amazing name. What's the funniest thing about Chris? Babe, literally, when I tell you he's the person that just his his being his text will go off because he's got all these chains with guys about like Wordle and skate locations. And by the way, high school grown man being like, check out this high school.

Like, it is tricky that you are a bunch of grown men that go from high school to high school looking for a flight upstairs to skate down. I mean, no, no quotes. No quotes. Looking for, yeah. So it'll just be like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And he will just look, he will continue his conversation as if it is not happening. I am in a full spiral into a migraine. I am sweating. I am on LegalZoom.com, even though we are not married, trying to figure out my rights in this situation. And you're like, bing, bing, bing, bing.

and you will just not even break eye contact. What do you think that is? You just hate me? My guts. You hate my guts? There's easier ways to break up. You're going to get better at this. What do you mean? The older Henry gets, the more you're going to have to just deal with bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bings. Really? Like all over the place. How so? He's going to be bing, bing, binging. I don't put batteries in any of these toys. I do. I'm the one who does that. Oh, everything is so funny to me about you.

Like, you know what I think it is? I, I think the funniest thing, I think what you think the funniest thing about me is me not backing down from something. It's exactly right. So Chris will do something like a real dumb, like he'll like, what is it when you wrap up a t-shirt and like whack someone and like, it's not even that you've never done that, but it'd be something. So if you did that, I would turn to you and then I'll just be like,

You'll lean into it like you'll say some stupid dad joke pun and I'll be like, yeah, I definitely lean right into it. But then sometimes because you have such a good heart, sometimes you'll cave on something kind of like it's like we were in Vegas in a hotel room and I got up to go to the bathroom. Had you been asleep or did you wake up just for this?

I got up to go to the bathroom and then I was walking back to the bed and all the lights were off and he was behind the door. He had gotten up while I was peeing, went behind the door and then I walked past and he grabbed me to scare me and he just went, I'm so sorry. I just went, boo? You were like, sorry, I'm so sorry. Boo, I'm so sorry.

Like you're so bummed. It was such a fool's errand. I got back there and I was so bummed. I was like, oh man, I'm going to scare this. But had you fallen asleep? What am I doing? Oh God. You like rushed out of bed to hide behind a door. It was so dumb. Okay. Um,

Oh, that's cute. Someone said, I need you to just shut, shut, shut your mouth. What about a gesture that would work? Yeah. Stick a pen in her mouth. Jesus Christ. A pen. So bitey. So bitey. When you answer my birthday, happy birthday, Carrie. Happy birthday, y'all. Show the Ninja Turtle tattoo.

We just need this camera to see it. This one. You can just stand if you want to stand. We will show the Ninja Turtle tattoo and you will see why I love. By the way, I didn't really realize you had this for like a while. Look how dry that is. Flakes are coming off it. Babe, look, flakes are coming off it. I won't show it to the camera. Babe, right there.

I love you, babe. Oh, you guys are saying such nice things about the Friends show. I really appreciate that. Now on Max, I'm hosting a show called Fast Friends. It is a game show with Friends trivia. It is not triggering. We're not lecturing you how to vote. It's entertainment that's actually entertaining and no one's going to make you feel guilty about global warming. And it's a show that my son can actually watch. I finally did it. I'm so excited. Oh, I'm

I'm so excited. Babe, I've never had someone be so supportive and sweet. I love you. Such a Friends fan. Love you. Ooh. Whoa, Eric Santialis. Let's end on a real tough one. A zinger? Who was Chris's favorite female comedian before Whitney? It was always you, babe. You did look me in the eye. That was weird. You normally look down when you're in a panic. Yeah. Because I wasn't panicking. You just can't name any other ones.

I can name tons of other ones. Really? Yeah, bum you right out. Name them. Name them. Name them. Name them. Name them. Annie. Who? Annie who? Who else? That was a joke. I can do more. I'm not gonna, but I can. Elaine Boozler. Name them, babe. I mean, this is bad, babe. Even if you get one at this point, it's like,

I've won this. I win. I win. Margaret Chu. Margaret Chu. This is actually embarrassing because there are some in movies that you could easily pull. Truth about cats and dogs. Sure. Janine Garofalo. Like you could pull like, you know, Molly Shannon. Yeah. She's not a stand up. Yeah. Lisa Lampanelli. Whoa. Back in the game. Impressive.

Thanks. Wow. Thanks. Is that it? All right. So you have to do another one, I think. I do. Because I did. Well, I have another one. Okay, go. It's give me one. Reason to stay here. All right. Oh, Wolfman. Jason Ellis is watching. Just like, yes. Yeah. Jason, I won this game with your name.

She won it. I won it. Fair and square, babe. Fair and square. Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen DeGeneres. Tig Notaro. Jesse May Peluso. Kelsey Cook. You got the light so long ago. By the way, Grace O'Malley. Grace O'Malley.

Blank. Telling you. I know. We have low blood sugar. We have to go eat. Oh, Tiffany Haddish. Leslie Jones. Let's stop it. There are a lot of female comics. Hannah Burner. There are a lot of female comics out there. Turn it to me. Judy Tanuda. Judy Tanuda.

that's our P-Rod oh man that's your P-Rod what's that P-Rod you just gotta shout it at the top of your lungs so do you know Judy Tanuta Judy Tanuta was a comic that wore a bunch of fruit on her head and just I don't know it was just like a wild cartoon character super kitschy yeah Judy Tanuta underrated ahead of her time dead I think if she's not she's pissed Roseanne Barr

He's getting mad. I'm just like, okay. All right. Love you guys. We, I will definitely do an IG live before, um, the holidays. Thank you for participating. Is there anything you'd like to say, babe? Don't ride elephants. Hi guys. Don't ride elephants. Don't you dare.