Don't Panic, I'm Just Evolving | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 272
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Hi everyone, Whitney Cummings here coming in hot from my still evacuated podcast studio. I know it's a creepy vibe in here, but that's my thing. It's turned more into like kind of a panic room energy. I am touring. These announcements are so embarrassing. 2025 tour dates are up on WhitneyCummings.edu. You know where to find them. Let's get into the podcast today. Um,

Part of the reason these have been a little bit late is I don't know what to say because things have gotten kind of weird. And not just after the CNN roast episode.

Things got a little wild. A lot of people are like, you know, and I don't want to be one of those people. So people are saying everybody's saying it's like, oh, you talk to everyone. You talk to everyone. And this is what they all said. That's kind of how did you that was quick for talking to everyone. You already have this data in. Yeah.

My life has gotten pretty interesting. I mean, when I go to the grocery store, I'm just, you know, out like with my son at a playground, people come up to me and they're like, hey, you know, Magic Johnson didn't have AIDS, right? Like, I said a couple things on CNN that were like, I think pretty true that there's fluoride in the water, right? Yeah.

The Democrats kind of bombed the election. That didn't that those didn't seem like hot takes to me. What else did I say? The president's chefs. I mean, two of them died mysteriously. Like, that's not like a crazy conspiracy theory, but people are just coming up to me now. And they're just like, did you know that Britney Spears is a trans man who was hired to pretend to be Britney Spears? I'm like, dude, I just I honestly just.

I need to just get through this checkout line. There's like a link involved. People are like, let me send you this link about, you know, the ocean. There's another ocean down there. I'm like, I'm sure there is. I can't take on Atlantis right now. Someone came up to me, they're like, do you know about the giants? And I'm like, oh no, I'm a...

I'm actually a Commanders fan, Eagles fan. I mean, I'm all over the place with that. Don't get me started. But he's like, no, no, no. I mean, like giants, you know, humans, there were giants. I'm like, what does this have to do with anything? Like, I don't I don't know. I don't know when I become the go to person for this wild thing. Like, I guess people just being like, hey, I have to have nightmares about this. So so do you. But like.

I don't really know what to talk about because, no, I'm just I just I want to make people laugh. That's really all I want to do. And I guess I have evolved a little bit since having a child. I'm going to get into all the ways that we got here because I think people are like, how come you're all of a sudden talking about this and you're all of a sudden talking about politics and all of a sudden like calling out hypocrisy? I've always done that. Maybe just the CNN thing because it was on a news network. I use that term loosely that it all of a sudden became like I was.

trying to make some big statement. I don't know. I just... Look, I think part of the reason that I'm a little more skeptical, number one, it probably just seems like that to most people because, I mean, people only know me as like a single...

like mess of a person who was like talking about dating and my specials. Like if you've never listened to the podcast, like you don't know that I'm the kind of person that questions everything. Now all of a sudden people are like, you know, like, Oh, you, what happened to the liberal, the head of the me too movement? Like I was never the head of the me too movement. I was always the person I actually got in trouble because I was the person at

It was like some meeting or Zoom call or something where they were like, you know, we need to do something about the fact that we walk onto set and it's all white men, like actresses saying this. And I was like, you know these people are hired like six months ahead of you getting to set, right? Like actresses don't hire anyone. Why are only actresses talking about this? It's line producers. And I was like, we should do like a mixer with line producers so that line producers could – and they looked at me like I had the –

biggest, most flaccid dick hanging off my face. Like, there was nothing sexy about it. But I was like, yeah, like, actresses can't solve this problem. I mean, they can act like they're solving it, but I just... I don't know. I've always been this kind of pariah in Hollywood. And people are like, I'm too... It's like, I'm too YouTube for Hollywood, and I'm too Hollywood for YouTube. I feel like I'm in this in-between place where I'm like, I just...

I'm not an expert in politics. I'm not an expert in the moon. I'm not an expert in, you know, Magic Johnson's white blood cell count. I'm not an expert in any of this. But like Republican, Democrat, I am an expert in hypocrisy. That's my that's the only thing I'm able to really like point out and deconstruct. I grew up like I was raised by alcoholics. All they did was lie. And I had to like figure out, you know, where hypocrisy was. So I do have to acknowledge the fact that

you do update your mental software when you have a kid. I'm sure there's maybe ways to do it without having a kid, but when you have a kid, you totally re-examine everything you thought you knew. Like, you have no choice but to question everything and, like...

You're watching your child have a childhood and then you start thinking about your childhood. And I always thought of my childhood as being these more innocent times or some things. I mean, I was raised by alcoholics and it was a chaotic mess, but there was something wholesome. It was your childhood. But then you become an adult and you're like,

I barely survived that. Like my parents, they didn't put the block, the electrical outlet blockers. Like those were just invented. Like I have a kid now and there's like all these things that you have to do that didn't even exist back when I was a kid. I'm buying him toys. Like I'll go to the toy store and I'm like, where are the lawn darts?

You guys are out of lawn darts. They're like, yeah, we don't carry those. I'm like, no, no. But the knives that we used to throw at each other for fun. They're like, yeah, no, that was outlawed like 30 years ago. Even in Texas, it was outlawed. That's how dangerous they were. So you start rethinking things and wiring your brain to go, wait, that was weird. Like, oh, yeah. Like that thing that I totally thought was like fun and cool was like super dangerous. And then when you're pregnant,

You finally start reading ingredients on food. You start caring about yourself, like, by accident because, you know, you care about the baby. I...

when I got pregnant, I realized how bad I was to myself, like how poorly I treated myself. Once I got pregnant, I was like, well, I guess I should put a seatbelt on, you know, where is it? Oh, like I, I'm literally putting a seatbelt on for like, it's so wild that you start having self-respect and caring about yourself only when you're growing another person inside you. Like I'm looking at ingredients. I'm like, yeah, red number five, like

Why not eat red number five? Who cares? Like when I was a kid, I used to eat glue. Like the damage was done, you know, like I used to lick batteries. Like who cares, you know? But then like you start going like, I don't want this. I don't want this. You know, I want this kid to have a fighting chance, you know? And so I started doing recon and like what happened in the last couple of years to my brain and the way that I think and,

I'm in clarity or why didn't I have more clarity before? And is it is it clarity or is it just have I changed or has everyone else changed? I'm trying to sort of figure it out. And the variables I've isolated is number one, I got off birth control, which I believe was making me insane.

Like, look, when you're on birth control, your body thinks it's pregnant. That's why you don't get pregnant. Someone literally told me, like, never marry the guy you're with until you've gone off birth control for at least a year because you smell pheromones differently when you're on birth control. Right. So when you're on birth control, you're attracted to more feminine faces, more like beta male types would have.

by that means but like honestly like no wonder I was dating vegans with razor scooters for so long it does make some sense like yeah I was definitely dating guys with tank tops and a scarf at the same time like when I was on birth control I literally I dated a guy who would carry around a journal that had a strap around it like a you know I mean like it

wrapped and you know in case I mean because I mean I'm sure many people want to read it like he had to protect his like poems or you know whatever and then it had another wrap that would go around his wrist so that he could hold it I don't know if he got at the Ren Faire I'm not sure where they even sell this thing but it also had like a a big like I don't know like Game of Thrones like

like a brooch almost that just stuck to the front and it was very like flat like like this it was like skin it was like an animal skin or something and he would wrap and carry it it was like i don't know it was like he was in jack sparrow's book club or something i'm just saying i don't think i would have done that if i wasn't on birth control and i i need something to blame for that choice and i really hope that that is why but like i don't know i just like he was a writer and like every time he would have every time he would have an idea he'd be like well that's a good idea

I'm sorry. Anyway, birth control back to that. I have gone off of it. Uh,

I don't think having a kid any sooner than now would have made a lot of sense for me. My mental health wasn't really on par. I wasn't a shining example of mental equilibrium before now. I just... I would have had depression and postpartum depression at the same time. And I think that that feels like a recipe for live streaming your birth on OnlyFans or, you know, I don't know. That might just be good business at this point. It's unclear. But after that...

After I was first put on birth control for migraines, right, I was also put on Lexapro for a bit, which I don't know. That felt like a very big setback for me in mental clarity. Like, I don't again, if you need to take Lexapro because you're clinically depressed and it's going to save your life, I think that's awesome. I'm just not one of those sort of people, you know, I'm I might have been depressed, but like.

You know what doesn't help depression? Having to go to CVS every 28 days to deal with the logistics of getting a prescription and then waiting the CVS, the GasX pill section.

for like two hours because it's never ready and then paying $100 to get your medication, not be depressed. Like after spending 30 minutes sitting in CVS next to all the medicated gold bond, you will have depression if you didn't already. Also, like the fact that there's a pill for depression, it's like, hey, you're depressed. Here's a pill where you can never have an orgasm again.

Like how is that helping things? Like shouldn't the therapist have been like, look, I know why you come in here and complain about none of your relationships working. You're having terrible sex because those pills broke your box. And I recently had the epiphany that I think that a lot of my relationships weren't going well in work and life, personal, family, a lot of things because I was getting Botox. I know. I know. I know.

It is so wild to me that a therapist wouldn't be like, you know, you come in a lot for communication issues. Like your face isn't really relaying what you're thinking or feeling. Like there's kind of you're I'm not understanding anything you're saying. Like, why wouldn't someone point that out? Like.

Like, it's wild to me. Like, two years ago, I stopped getting Botox. And my life is so much better. Like, yes, I look my age. Like, Anthony Kiedis is not going to want to date me. Fine. But like, when I'm in a bad mood, people know, right? Like, they can actually read my micro expressions. When I had Botox, I was like, no one understands me. No one cares. It's just they didn't know that.

And I was upset because I had no wrinkles on my face, you know? Like, I think that having Botox kind of makes you go crazy because people can't see how you feel and you constantly have to like advocate for yourself. You know what I mean? You have to be like, I'm sad. And everyone's like, are you? You're like, yes. Like, they're like, how would we know? Like, when I had Botox, I

I was always thinking like, this guy doesn't really love me. He doesn't understand me. We're not connected. He doesn't even notice or care when I'm upset. Like, how could he know that I'm upset if my face defaults to looking like a like a happy jellyfish all the time? Like every conversation with someone I was in a relationship, I would have to subtitle my face. Like I was going to a therapist to learn how to communicate with

When I really just needed to like stop getting Botox. So I was like, yeah, I guess I'm bad at communicating. You know, the key to relationship is communicating. So I'm like, I'm upset because this and this and this and it's like, well, why doesn't your face match what you're saying? Like my face was in Congress with what I was actually saying. I don't know. I also feel like I look bitchier with Botox, you know, like,

I feel bad. Like, what if I wasn't able to like show up for friends emotionally because my face wasn't expressing like the compassion that I had for what they were going through? Like, you know, like people would say to me, they're like, Whitney, you're like, you know, I need this is what I need. I need tough love. And I'm like, I'm not trying to give you tough love. I'm trying to like I feel awful that this happened to you. And they're like, no, this is good. This is good. I need tough love. I'm like, I guess it's just because my face was like, that sounds hard.

That sounds really hard. Well, I hope you feel better. That's not what I meant. I meant to be like, that sounds hard. Are you okay? I think nature knew what it was doing with like wrinkles, you know? I don't know. I mean, look...

If you get Botox, if you're a but that's totally fine. I am definitely entertaining getting Botox in my armpits because I do have a sweating problem. I, I sweat like a pig. I mean, it is so disgusting. I've just started wearing short sleeves. Like I'm, it's cold. It's winter. I'm going to sweat short sleeves. I don't know what to do about it. But the doctor I went to was like, Oh, yeah, you can get Botox in your armpits. You won't sweat out of your armpits. But the sweat does have to come out somewhere. And then he just pointed to

crevices. This is a hot take. Maybe I'm completely body dysmorphic or something, but like, I think I look younger without Botox. Like, I don't even, I don't know if there's something subconscious of, like, when you see someone young with Botox in your brain, you go like, oh, that person's like 40. Like, when you see someone who's 25 with Botox, like, oh, that person's 40. I don't know if it's because they're

They don't have wrinkles. That doesn't make sense, even though I kind of think wrinkles are a sign of youth at this point. You know, like when you see someone who's actually 22 who doesn't have Botox, you're like, oh, you have wrinkles on your face. Like, I forgot. But also, I think there's something subconscious that goes on where you're like, oh, if you have Botox all over your face, like you must have money and have money. You have to be older. Does that make any sense? Like, I kind of I'm like.

Oh, like, that's such a... Like, a wild thing to spend your money on in your 20s because, like, you don't even need it. So I'm defaulting to, oh, this person must be, like, 40. I don't know. I don't even know why I was getting it. It's, like, so...

I think that this is a big year of me, like, breaking patterns and breaking cycles and habits that I just thought were normal. Like, I don't... I was just trained to believe that women shouldn't have lines on their face. You know? Who trained me to believe that? A bunch of pedophile producers. Like, why did I listen to them? I...

I thought I had to didn't know any better, you know, like, I did grow up with a mom, my mom worked at department stores, and she had all these like anti aging creams, you know, and I would use those even when I was a kid, it was just like, everything said anti aging, wrinkle cream, wrinkle cream, like I just from a very early age and like wrinkles are like bad, you know, but then I got to LA.

And a producer was like, you know, you look tired. Like, it's really easy. You just do like a couple. What was that? Like, it's what is called bunny lines or something. He was like, this is a man telling you, by the way, it wasn't even a woman telling me to do it. Like, I don't know. That'd be weird, too. But I don't know. I no woman has ever told me to get Botox. I don't know if that's sabotage or now I'm kind of like, wait a second. You're keeping all the secrets to yourself. Like, the whole thing is just like such a fun house of sabotage.

nightmare the fact that we do this but yeah told me to get a little around the eyes and then in the forehead and and then the way that they sell it to you is like it's preventative and you're like oh okay like yeah I'll get it I'll get ahead of it you know which is like why not just deal with it when it actually happens instead of it being preventative like that's the workaround to make it not like at 24 you look too old like I don't know it's just why you know what though I was thinking about it and I was like you know if you're a man at work

And you're working with women. I do understand how, like, women's emotions are stressful to a guy who isn't... Like, you're not in a relationship with these women. The idea of a married guy all day working with women and just thinking, like, can everyone get Botox, please? Because I already have to deal with one woman's emotion at home. I can't deal with them at work. Like, I can't deal with this woman's side eye and this woman's furrowed brow and this woman's look of disapproval. Can you all just freeze your faces, please? Because if I see a woman upset, I either have to do something about it or go jerk off. So...

Please freeze your faces or else I'll just have to move my entire desk into human resources at this point. I already have one strike against me for buying Sheila truck nuts for Christmas. I don't know. I'm just I'm trying to like address the main questions I'm getting right now, which is like you seem different and you seem to be thinking differently. And I think it's a lot of that, you know, like.

I guess I'm just in this new phase of questioning everything in a bigger way. Because like I already said, when you're a mom, you know, you have to buy stuff for your innocent, vulnerable child. And you want to give them a fighting start. And when you start researching stuff you're buying for your kid, you start learning the most horrific things that you have been ignorant about. Like I was stuck in the nursery before my son came, right? And I was like, you know, you got the...

the shelves and the rolling rack. And I'm like, you know what I need to do? I need to go get some baby powder. Okay. I go online, Google it. Like, where should I get like, you know, stock up, get like 10 things of baby powder. You know, I Google baby powder. The first thing that comes up is

is that Johnson & Johnson has to pay more than $10 billion. It was $8 billion and then $2 billion. I looked this up for a while. Over 25 years, whatever, but 12,000 people sued Johnson & Johnson over various cancerous

Because baby powder, the ones I mean, I used chock full of asbestos. We were just rubbing it all over our butts and our crevices and our holes. And I mean, like when I was a kid, we would put baby powder all over our bodies instead of taking a shower. That wasn't weird. My aunt used to put baby powder on the carpet before she vacuumed it to freshen up the place. I did it all through college. Like I had friends coming over. I would just put baby powder everywhere and then you vacuum over it like that.

That wasn't that long ago. Like, Tide Pods honestly felt like a huge, like, step up health-wise for teenagers. Kids, like, eating Tide Pods probably, honestly, at this point, the healthiest thing they can eat. Like, probably better than Bill Gates' appeal-covered apples at this point. I mean... And I'm out of the algorithm. Okay, so...

All this started making me think of like, OK, what else am I putting on my body that's going into my bloodstream and like maybe making me crazy or like could harm my child? I'm truly convinced that between makeup, hairspray, perfume, lotions, creams, like we're basically always high.

Like, is that possible? Like the amount of chemicals in our bodies at this point perfumes alcohol. Like I spray it all over myself. Like I'm starting to think that if I am going to get gussied up for something, I probably should not be allowed to drive. Honestly, it's like it makes so many of my bad choices make sense. Like I feel like I've been under the influence of parabens and like phthalates. Like I was so obsessed with makeup not being tested on animals that I didn't even think to check them for like, I don't know.

formaldehyde. I feel like our brains are just like chock full of alcohol and aerosol is like, is anyone surprised that people are falling off cliffs taking selfies? Like honestly, the craziness in the world is making a lot more sense to me given the amount of chemicals in our bloodstream. I feel like we're doing pretty well given the circumstance, you know, but I feel like I've detoxed a little bit. I'm not doing hairspray. I do like coconut oil, which is why I always look so goddamn greasy. Everyone's like, is it raining out? I'm like, no, I'm just

Just a greasy ass bitch now, you know what I mean? But I feel better. I have more energy, you know? Here's what I'll say, though. I got sober off weed and alcohol. But sober off lotion? Dude, that is next level. It's next level mental clarity. Now that I'm sober from formaldehyde, I'm like, I'm ready to take on the LA Tunnels. Which, by the way, I did try to dig into the LA Tunnels thing. I...

I can't. I can't find a reliable source. Please stop coming up to me at the airport and telling me about tunnels. This is just not going to be my cause. All right. Shirley Temple. If Shirley Temple was in any of these tunnels, let's talk. OK. You know, that's my expertise. But.

I don't know, every video I see about the tunnels, it's like there's a watermark over it that's like 13 Chan. The account is called like Extinct the Libs or like Russell Brand for President, one for... Like I'm not... I need more time to vet some of these sources, but I do think the LA tunnels, I think they have something to do with prohibition, right? That's really what all the time, like to travel during prohibition or something like, which God, like...

when you stop drinking alcohol, like you start seeing all the alcoholic, like the infrastructure that is a reflection of how intense alcoholism is. Like, like prohibition was in the twenties, right? That the tunnels that they built during pro that's how intense alcoholism is. Alcohol was outlawed in the twenties and alcoholics were like, all right, well grab a shovel. Like there was no, like, I guess we're not going to drink anymore. Like grab a shovel. We're

We're building a tunnel. Like, what? Like, we'll live like rats if we have to. We're not doing this life sober. I mean, they literally say, like, alcoholics hit rock bottom and keep digging. Like, they literally start digging tunnels. Like, I don't know. Look, I'm a gal. I've been a teenager. You really never stop being a teenager. Life is just...

keeps being high school in different iterations. So skin never stops being an issue with your confidence. Like I still get zits, even if like, you know, you have a kid, you get hormonal, you still have zits. I tried to do the thing where I use one of those stickers to cover it like a

It's like a little star sticker. I was like, look at me. I just have like the star sticker over my face. You can't... That doesn't work. You can't just cover your zits with stickers. At my age, people are just like, are you okay? Like it's not... It's going to get me into like a conservatorship with Britney's dad. But...

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Thank you so much for joining us.

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as a belief system be debunked and changed like I've been around a lot enough to see science change you know you know surreal that it you know how hard it is to believe in anything after science the one thing that's like this is true it's science that's what you learn that gets debunked and you're like whoa whoa whoa I I can't believe anything anymore I mean it's like I drank soy milk

For 15 years, the science was soy milk is healthy. This is what is good for you. For 15 years, I drank soy milk. All my friends were drinking soy milk because it was healthier. Now, everybody has cancer. It's like all my girlfriends had to get their tits cut off. All my guy friends grew tits. Like,

I was told drink eight glasses of water and all through high school, I would carry around a plastic... Sorry, it's just so dumb. A plastic water bottle all day and it'd be outside. I'd have it in my car. Literally, they say now that plastic water bought the water and it has microplastics in it because if it's sitting out in the hot sun, that's the worst thing. I would go to practice basketball or whatever it was. I would keep my...

It's a plastic water bottle in the car. I remember getting back in and it being hot. I mean, like, how do you have my eight glasses? I mean, like, I probably would have been better off not drinking any water than eight glasses of the microplastic water. I don't know. It's probably, oh, God, I drank so many microplastics. It's probably why I'm so shiny all the time.

Who knows? Water, dude. How do you even get water, by the way? Like, how does anyone drink water? Do you know where I can get some water? Also, though, on the same token, like, I drank out of a hose till I was 10. Like, can we stop? I remember the first time I went to Applebee's, they were like, you know, here's a water. I was like, what's this? What is this clear shit? Like, I don't like...

I'd like some water, the murky stuff that makes you tie tie. Like what is it? Like everything's bad for us to a degree, I'm sure. But like I'm at the point where nothing would surprise me. How about that? Is that being red pilled? I don't think so. I'm not saying like, you know, the idea of just misinformation, which by the way, it's we've always had that people not being like, Whitney, you're spreading misinformation. Okay, that's

All I got when I was a kid was misinformation. This is the most accurate I think we've ever been with information as far as I'm concerned. My mom used to tell me that the ice cream truck was out of ice cream when it rang the bell. I was told as a kid to wait 30 minutes before going back into the pool so you don't get a stomach cramp. That's

I found out like two years ago that wasn't anything. I had friends over and they were eating and I was like, don't go in the pool. And they were like, that's a lie our parents told us, you idiot. What was that? I feel like a lot of the lies we were told in rules were like just a parent needing a break. I know someone, her kids wanted to go to the beach and she said, sorry, babe, the ocean's broken.

Like it's out of order. There's just there's we've been getting misinformation our whole life. Do you remember the food pyramid? It was in our classroom on the wall. There was like a food pyramid of all the stuff you're supposed to eat. There was like a couple fish, by the way, with eyeballs that always felt very unnecessary and traumatic as a child. But it was like also, by the way, fish, we've now learned that they're chock full of mercury. So

Like, I don't know. It seems like a death wish. But the point is, a whole food group was cereal. Remember? Cereal. And I remember like, yes, cereal's healthy because I like ate Lucky Charms all day. And then later you find out that the food pyramid was made by General Mills. Like, it was a...

A General Mills joint. Do you blame me for having trust issues? I've just been, I've been hoodwinked a little too many times, you know? So there's a point where you just get old enough to have seen, you've seen science change. You've also seen history change. You know how surreal that is? History is facts. And then you see it change in front of you and you're like, oh, history is just gossip? I

I can't really take that on. It destroys your whole paradigm. Like I have a nephew. And if we're talking about like his homework or something, and he's like, you know, Thanksgiving, we'll bring that up. And I'm like, oh, yeah, Thanksgiving. Like, you know, and he's like, yeah, that massacre. And I'm like, I learned that Thanksgiving was like a fun dinner between the natives and the pilgrims. Like they had a cornucopia. They had maize.

You know, like it was Christopher Columbus in Sacagawea. You know, they had a real will they won't they? You know, there was that love story going on. He gave her a bunch of blankets. Like at school, we had a mural on the wall, okay, of our cafeteria and gym. It was painted on the wall of pilgrims and natives, like having a real hoedown. At the time, you don't think like, I don't know, it's November, like on the East Coast, like...

I feel like these two groups of people are not dressed for the same temperature. Like, I should have known then, you know? Like, when you're a kid, you're like, yeah, the Pilgrims traded beads for land. Like, that feels like a pretty good deal when you're a kid. Like, beads are your whole life because you're making bracelets. You're like, yeah, wait, they had beads? Yeah, of course. Take this hundred acres. You have a bead? Like, it makes sense to a young girl who...

You know? Loves bracelets, you know? I don't know. Like, it just... And then you're a kid. You got to take off some days in school, so you don't really think much about it, you know? But now as an adult, you're like, I got got. Barren square. Big textbook got me. You know? Because you're kind of like, it must be true. It's like in a book. Like, they weren't going to, like, print all this stuff without making sure it was true first. Like, it's just your default. Like, I don't know. And then...

I don't know. Then there's the second round of it when you have a kid because you realize like, I got got like so many things now. The health stuff. I mean, when I was a teenager, we I mean, breakfast, lunch and dinner ate lays where they were called. I just think fat free potato chips. And it said may cause diarrhea and like vitamin D deficiency. But you're just like, no, I don't.

I used to think a Lester potato chips was like a normal meal, you know, because they told you that fat made you fat.

How did that even get? How do we even get to this? Like, that's it's just wild when the things that you held on to get debunked after a while. It's exhausting. And you stop believing anything in the first place. You're like, I'm not going to commit to this belief because it's just going to get debunked later. And I'm going to feel like an idiot. You know, like being cold gives you a cold. That was a big thing. Like people. OK, then why do people do cold plunge now to get healthy? Like, which is it?

Who perpetuated this being in the cold makes you cold? Who? Who? Who? Big scarf? Big mitten? Who?

Like, yeah, of course, your body has to work harder to stay warm. So your immune system is going to be a little chapped. But you know, that's not true. And like sugar, they say sugar makes kids crazy and hyper. I mean, look, I'm sure it's not great for them. Like, I don't give my kids sugar, but like kids are crazy without sugar. Don't give your kids sugar. They're still nuts. My son does not eat sugar or candy and he bites at the vacuum cleaner. Like we're not. Do you remember when they said sugar caused acne? Yeah.

So I was like, oh my God, I'm eating too much sugar. That's what's causing my acne when I was a teenager. So I wouldn't eat any sugar, but then it didn't even matter. So I couldn't eat sugar and I had acne. Eating candy would have at least been like a bright spot to get through having acne. And I didn't even do that, okay? And it's just like, I mean, acne, by the way, that's a whole other thing because we're so lied to about that too. And as a teenager, all you want is to like fix it, you know? And so I'm not eating sugar. I'm doing all the things it tells me to do, which by the way, I don't know.

I don't even know if you guys relate to this because now like you don't get you don't have zits anymore but you just put the stickers on them like just star like a star pat like a little post-it note to cover up your zit when we were in high school we all looked like garbage pail kids just fully oozing from the face just shmegma like coming out of your chin you're like squeezing zits in class like secretly like and you were just like

fill it with like whiteout like the blood was like oh god I mean we were we all just like had a stigmata I mean it's so oh the does the of course we were willing to just put any chemical on I mean I would put toothpaste on my zits and then cover it with like makeup from like a Rite Aid or something like wet and wild make like no wonder we all have so much brain damage I don't know I was I

Look, I was a real looker in high school. I also I had clear braces like that's if you want to know like

Who I mean, think of think of how insecure you have to be to and delusional to be like, I want the clear ones. Well, how did I end up? Why did anyone even let me do this? Because first of all, there's no such thing as clear braces. Okay, that's not they're never clear. The rubber color, the food was that you just ate. It's also, you know, that clear braces, you have to keep them on longer for whatever reason. I was like, I'd rather have them on longer.

I'd rather them like not really work than be visible, even though these are totally. What did I think I was getting away with? I know I'm rambling. It's just there's a lot of things that I feel like fried my brain, you know, like the acne thing. I mean, I was on Accutane twice.

You don't think that left a mark? Like between the Accutane, the baby powder, drinking from a hose in West Virginia. Like I feel like it's a miracle that I'm not one of the people with Tourette's on that new TLC show. Which by the way, have you seen this reality show? It's about this like cute girl who has Tourette's. I find this very upsetting. Mostly because this girl is stealing my act. That is verbatim my second Comedy Central special.

But I don't know, like Accutane, like I never really read the warnings on Accutane. You know, it did have it did say like may cause suicidal tendencies. You're like, OK, fine, worth it. But having a zit is making me suicidal. I mean, I'm a girl in high school, you know, with clear braces that look like mustard at this point. Like I'm not on the packaging. I remember for Accutane, it was like it was a pregnant woman and then a sign like the red no thing over the pregnant woman like no.

don't take this while pregnant or the baby will be deformed and you're like all right glug glug glug like why that feels like a it's not ready to be on the market yet that feels like it's not we're not there yet with this product but like i took it for six months twice there's i mean here's what i'll say i do have pretty good skin i think it's worth the the new twitch that i get every couple years sometimes like my aisles start twitching and i'm like accutane twice you got me

I have a hot take. Let teenagers have acne. Is that okay? Like, I know you make a lot of money off them being insecure and buying all these products, but like maybe we should all just go, let's let teenagers have acne. They're not going to need the Accutane that's poisonous and they're not going to need the birth control. Nature worked this out already. What if teenagers having acne was nature's way of deterring pedophiles? I'm just, I don't know. I think we could all get behind making teenage girls a little uglier.

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I just feel the need to explain to people who are like, Whitney's changed or why is she thinking about this? I just I also like I got my heart broken enough times by men. Yeah, fine. That's like it's more like when you get your heart broken, when some when something like that you deeply loved a person, not even a relationship, a boyfriend, girlfriend, like

Someone that was the light of your childhood. Okay, I grew up around alcoholics. TV was my escape. It was my, oh my God, if I only had that family. And you have to understand, like, if The Cosby Show was your favorite show, you'll never be the same again.

Like, we joke about Bill Cosby a lot, fine. But, like, actually, I don't even know if this next generation... You guys find out that people are creeps so fast that you never lived with the delusion that someone was, like, a good person for too long, right? I mean, I guess it still happens. But, like, Bill Cosby was my hero for, like...

25 years more maybe? I don't know. I don't know. It's like, you don't know what it's like to have one of your heroes, the true north of the type of family you wanted and the type of relationship you wanted and the type of man that you wanted to be married to and to have be your dad. All of it, like,

outed as a complete serial psychopath. It's like you guys, I don't know. Some of you might remember like he was the jello guy. Like he would make jello. He was the face of jello, whatever. And you find out that guy is like making women corpses for a couple hours. It does a number on the soul, you know? And

After that, there's something in you. You can't really have hope after that. This might sound dramatic, but I'm just trying to do recon on all the ways that my psyche has been chipped away at and why now I'm kind of just like, F it. I don't want this next generation of people to have to go through that. It's one thing to have your own parents be disappointments, but when you're just like... The thing that you held on to is your...

It's really kind of earth shattering. But by the way, egg on my face. I was maybe too young at the time. But if you really look back at the Cosby show, if you were over like 15, 16, you should have known there was something off about Bill Cosby. Like, no one thought it was weird that he was a gynecologist that worked out of his basement. Did you notice that? Like,

Like, I think I just thought he was like a doctor, like who delivered babies. I was too young to really put it together. But like a scene would start where he'd be walking up the stairs, like taking off plastic gloves, like walking into the living room, like, all right, well just delivered that baby. Like what? His delivery room is in his basement. Like it, the fact that like 200 people on that set, no one was like, uh, is this a little, like, can't you be like any other kind of doctor? I don't know.

But still, I think that things have chemically impacted my brain over time, but then also like the emotional impact of things like that, which I haven't had time to really unpack. I'm in a place where I'm just like, maybe I'm wrong about that. Of course not. We don't get to simultaneously think we're right about everything and then say everything's fake news, which is it? So if all the news is fake, then how could you possibly be right about everything?

everything. You know, I mean, my thing is like the news is fake. So I'm an idiot. How would I know anything if everything's fake? You know, so I think this is also the year that I'm going like, I don't think I've ever known anything. Let's be honest, you know. So that's kind of the place I'm in. I'm kind of in the market for some facts and belief systems, you know. And the Cosby thing did capsize my reality. Like once the Cosby thing happened, I was kind of like anything I hold dear to me truth wise,

Could be untrue. Like, I get like, I'm literally like, yeah, the moon landing. There's something fishy about that. Like, yeah, for sure. Like, I don't I don't know if we landed on the moon. Like, but it is funny to me that the moon landing is really what divides us as a country. You know, I don't know. But my take on the moon thing is actually that this is a hot take. I just don't care.

Is that weird? Like, it makes no difference to me if they went or not. I know. Look, and aliens. Yes, that's important. Like, I think aliens are a guy. Guys are obsessed with aliens. And I don't know a lot of women that are like, are the aliens here? It's, you know, guys are obsessed with aliens because like when they come, you're who has to fight them.

Like, I get why you guys are obsessed with aliens, because you need to figure out, like, what skills you need to protect us from them. Because when the aliens come, we're gonna be like, I'll be upstairs. Like, you can go handle that. But I don't think about aliens, you know, like, I don't know. I know there's also a lot of things that our country has had to pretend to do to, like, make Russia and China stronger.

think twice about blowing us up. And I'm so pro that. I'm like, government, whatever you need to do to like, go for it. Like, that is not, I don't think that telling the truth about our vulnerabilities is the way to go. I don't feel like, you know, when you get to the top of whatever, you know, agencies protecting America, I don't think the strategy is to be authentic and to embrace our imperfections. That's like Instagram self-help nonsense. I'm like, military, whatever you need to do to keep the psychopaths

to stop nuking us, like, I'm going to defer to you on that. I can admit that that's not my expertise. You know, like, I don't, whatever you need to do. Make cardboard tanks, drones over New Jersey so they know we have, I don't know. Fake a moon landing? Fine, do that. I don't care. Do what you have to do. You know, I'm also one of the few people that believes that there's actually, like,

competent people in the military and competent people in our intelligence agencies. Like, yeah, of course there's criminals everywhere, but like, I don't know. I, I think they're smart ones. And I do think there's a lot of things that, that we just shouldn't know. Like they know we shouldn't, they're like,

If we tell Americans this, like, chaos will ensue. Like, there's certain things that we're just not capable of being able to know without losing our minds. Like, the prime example of this was that radio show. It was called War of the Worlds. It was, I don't know, in the 20s or something. And it was about aliens landing and a bunch of people just started losing their minds. I think that we learned from that, like, you can't just tell anything.

Like, you know, 300 million people. There's aliens without it. Just a lot of people completely self-destructing, you know, I don't know. I mean, look, I'm sure that they're like, we would love to tell you guys what the drones are, but you were wearing masks in your car during COVID. So, yeah.

Like, we would love to tell you more about the alien situation, but you guys, you have Katy Perry dancing at political rallies with cupcakes on her tits. Like, I don't know, we'd love to tell you more stuff, but 500,000 of you wrote in Hak'tuwa when you voted. 300 of you died taking selfies last year. I just, I don't think you're ready. I don't know, guys. The biggest show of last year was Suits.

I don't think you're ready. We're waiting for you guys to be ready to be able to process the kind of information we have. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know who decides it. You know, I don't know. It's like around my dog. I can't say the word leash or he'll concuss himself.

trying to get out the door. There's certain things I can't say around my dog. There's certain things that our government can't say around us or tell us. I don't know. But the moon landing, I am kind of obsessed. For some reason, it's like in the zeitgeist. You know, I would find it way more impressive if we did fake the moon landing. It's just my take. Like, if the moon landing was shot on a Hollywood soundstage, I feel like we would have heard about it in the Me Too movement. Like, someone would have come out

of her grave and been like, I was uncomfortable. Maybe we went to the moon and just didn't get the footage. There's also that. The footage I've seen of the moon landing is very ratchet. I mean, a lot of stuff may be fake, you know, and even if it is, like, whatever. But here's what I find funny if the moon landing is fake.

Is that it went so well that they would have had to be like, okay, look, there's no way they're going to buy that we've nailed every one of these landings, you know? So like people are gonna start questioning if this is real or not. So in order for people to think that this space travel we're doing is real, we're gonna have to do a fake crash too.

We need to show one mission fail on purpose so they keep thinking it's real. Too many real ones look shady. And everyone gets there and they're like, hey, guys, we have good news and we have bad news. The good news is there's no chance you will die on this mission. The bad news is we are going to fake a crash and we need you to pretend that you did die and you have to go into hiding forever. But the great news is you might meet Tupac down there. Faking your death, that's where I realize I can never fake my death. I don't think that artists can fake their deaths.

Like we have too much to say. We need to be seen too much. You know, there's no way. That's why I think like there's no way Tupac is alive. Like he's got too much to say. You know, he wouldn't be able to. You think that he's in some bunker and was able to tolerate Iggy Azalea rapping at the Grammys? He would have come out if he was faking his death. That's when he would have been like, it's enough. It is funny to think about like what would make Tupac come out if he was in hiding? I feel like it was like Chet Hanks.

Once you saw like Chet Hanks rapping in Patra, he'd be like, all right, I've had enough guys. I can't take it anymore. I am an investigative journalist. I am very interested in the stories we tell ourselves to try and fabricate a modicum of sanity and control in this world. And, um,

I'm obsessed with hearing people's conspiracy theory. It's not the only thing I do. I'm not trying to spread them. Like I'm not, I make fun of them. If you look at the stuff that I put out, it's usually me making fun of conspiracy theorists saying that they're idiots. But I don't know, man.

I don't know. It's a weird thing. But also like like being dismissed as a conspiracy theorist like that doesn't do anything to me because when you're a woman, you've already had that done to you in a different way. Like men being like conspiracy theory, calling me a conspiracy theorist is invalidating. But women have always had that. Now, you know what it's like to be called crazy. That's what that is. It's like the same thing.

People are like, you're crazy, you're crazy. Like, you're a conspiracy theorist. Same thing. Now you know how annoying it is when someone just, like, shuts you down and you're like, okay, now anything I say after this is going to, like, feed into that criticism. Also, like, if you don't want to, just go talk to someone else. You know people have always been wrong, right? You should say that's wrong. You wouldn't say that's your conspiracy theorist. You'd be like, you're wrong. You're incorrect. Incorrect.

Isn't every scientist before they prove their hypothesis a conspiracy theorist? Like, you know, like I think that when kids use phones, it actually makes their attention span get shorter. And everyone's like, yeah, right. And then they prove it. And they're like, no, it's just a true scientific fact. Like, I don't know. I just believe that people talking like that used to be

the most interesting person at the party. I just believe I am at a place where I'm so humble to going like, even if I think something is true or know something is true, it is only because someone smarter than me told me. Like, I can't like the beliefs that I hold so tight are only held tight because someone smart told them to me. And even if I think someone's wrong about something, I

I'm guessing. People are like, Helen Keller wasn't blind. She wasn't deaf. I'm like, yes, she was. And I'm like, and I would know that because why? I've read all the books. I've watched the movie. Like, I don't have any proof either. It's just that we believed this for a while. And I don't think we can undo this right now. You know what I mean? I think you know what it is. I think it's also more the disgust that like, why would you spend your time on this? Like, there's a little bit of like,

I get it when someone's like, Helen Keller wasn't blind. I'm like, I can't unpack Helen Keller right now. You know what the solution is between conspiracy theory people and the people that accuse people of being conspiracy theorists and the conspiracy theorists that think the people that are asleep, the dope, is just, I think we all just need to get comfortable saying, I don't know. Like, we don't know. Yeah.

I don't know if Holland Cullum was blind or not. That's the sanest sentence of all of this. I don't know if she was blind. I probably. The bigger question is, like, why do you give a shit? Like, you can't sleep at night knowing that a woman flew a plane 100 years ago. Like, it's just eating you up. You need Amelia Earhart to be trans. Like, why? Why do you need this?

It is interesting what you need to believe or what is the belief that you're capsizing to accept the new one. So when people are like Avril Lavigne, she's been replaced by someone else. And you're like, why? And you're like, look at her. She doesn't age. And you're like, it's more likely to you that a pop star perished and was replaced with a clone than the idea that a woman looks good at 40. Like...

Like that, you cannot hold that Avril Lavigne still looks amazing. So you're like, she must be dead and she was replaced. Like, okay, you need to believe that. Fine. Anyway, I'm now just fully rambling and I'm sweating. So I love you guys. Don't ride elephants. The podcast studio is going to undergo some changes right now, kind of under construction. Love you. Don't ride elephants. Goodbye. Bye.

Bye.