Elizabeth Holmes is back, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Christmas and the Bad is the New Good
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The amount of energy that is freed up in your brain in the summer when you don't have to worry about the pubes on your big toe having grown out, that's Theranos, baby. Liz Holmes is back and we're going to forgive her. Okay? If you're mad at Liz Holmes, you don't get it. You don't understand winner mentality. The only way to win these days is to create a problem that doesn't exist and then solve it with a device that doesn't work.

I'm going to take Pink Pony Club off my workout jams playlist. Just in time for me to go to Las Vegas on May 25th. I will be at the look. I don't know why I'm at the Venetian Palazzo on a Sunday night at 10 p.m. I just this is what I get for responding to an email. They're like, do you want to do Vegas? I'm like, yes.

I violated every boundary I have, every molecule of integrity I have left. And I responded to an email. You know I don't do that. Tuesday morning at Caesar's Palace. I'm like, what happened? Like, why am I? I'm sorry. Did Chris Angel's Ghost Brothers show cancel? Why am I on at 10 p.m. on a Sunday in Las Vegas? Who? Who?

Is available in Las Vegas Sunday at 10 p.m. Is it a holiday weekend? Is Monday a day off and that's why it's good for Sundays? Pat, I don't care.

care about holidays. You know, holidays are for dorks. But like people will party in Vegas on a Sunday night if Monday is a day off work. The people whose Groupon, like they didn't read the fine print. Yeah. They didn't get to Carrot Top fast enough. It's Sunday night. Vegas people are the ones that didn't read the Groupon fine print. They thought it was Saturday, but it was Saturday at 1201. So it was actually the next day that they had the room. Yeah.

They just didn't get it. I don't know. Anyway, so go to church on Sunday in Vegas and then come see me Sunday night at 10 p.m.

I don't know if I'm available for this show. Will you be, will you be attending? I don't, I don't know. I'm going to go to the show. Just see who's performing. I can't wait to see what you guys do when I am mentally incapable of performing on a Sunday night in Las Vegas. Then I'm going to come to Canada on July 18th, Halifax, Canada on the August 9th, Calgary on the 24th, September 5th. Uh, I'm going to be at the Ridgefield playhouse. We're doing two shows. Uh,

And I'll probably be getting Lyme disease there if I am able to make it to Huntington the next night with said Lyme disease. That'll be on the 6th. Then Vancouver, Canada, September 12th. 19th, Norfolk, Virginia. Richmond, Virginia on the 19th. Toronto, Ontario, October 4th. That's just Toronto, Canada. Toronto, Canada. Provinces matter. When I say Toronto, Canada, is that like saying Santa Monica, America? Yeah.

Instead of Santa Monica, California? Yes. Thanks, Pat. Pat just went to... Paris, Texas. I was going to say hullabaloo. He went to Holland and now he thinks he's so international. Then Baltimore, Fayetteville, Arkansas, Hot Springs, Arkansas, Reading, Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Fort Lauderdale in New Orleans. Welcome to the program. I'm very excited to talk to you guys today.

Usually every week I'm a little bit like, oh, what am I going to talk about? Am I going to get in trouble? But this is my week. This is my week.

This is my week. First of all, Pat is here. And yes, he is. He was not expecting to be forced to be on camera. And he is wearing a Pee Wee Herman shirt where Pee Wee Herman is in wrapped in duct tape for people like over 40. That's Pee Wee Herman wrapped in duct tape for anyone else watching the show. Pat is just a psychopath. And it's just a man in a bow tie who has been wrapped in tape.

That's my favorite thing about like certain ages. So, you know, like like there's a meme of Michael Jackson eating popcorn in a movie theater when he was younger. So if you're 25, 30, that's not what Michael Jackson looked like when you were alive. Whenever anybody asks me who this is, I go read a book. So it's my rum spring up.

I was online just, you know, scrolling. Like, throughout the week, I'll, like, text Pat Wilde stuff to be like, should we talk about this kind of thing? And then I went a little rogue in the algo on Sunday on the tarmac coming back from Knoxville. And here's the thing. I know everyone makes fun of me for not having YouTube premiums.

And I'm sorry to our YouTube rep that I don't. But every now and then you get an ad that you wouldn't have seen otherwise. Okay. I love ads. I love commercials. I love watching them. I love analyzing the casting. I love like, oh, yeah, you thought those two would be a couple we bought. Like, I love commercials are so bonkers insane at this point. I just so anyway.

If you have YouTube, you're not going to see what's going on out there in the streets. You're paying to get less. You're paying to get less entertainment. Okay? I'm an edger. If I'm going to watch a podcast on YouTube and it's 3 o'clock, I want to see it at like 345.4. You know what I mean? I don't want to see it right then because then I've seen it. Okay? It's like you go to a movie and you see all the trailers and that's the best part. Last time I saw a movie, fool me once.

I missed the trailers and had to see the movie. It was a nightmare to sit there. Oh, I was bored out of my mind. It was the one, the Civil War one. Oh, God. And then I missed the trailer for Zelda. I know. Dumb. So I saw a trailer for a new movie that is coming out. You might have to look up what it's called because I don't know because I'm too excited about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey. This is a scripted movie.

That is coming out on Lifetime. And I think it's out. I tried to buy it because I don't rent. Christmas in the Spotlight? Yep. On Lifetime, right? Yeah. Is it out?

Can we just watch it? Yeah, let's do a watch-along. Can we watch that on this podcast? I'm not kidding. Let's dress up and watch Christmas in the Spotlight, the Taylor Swift, Travis Kelsey movie. You guys, this is what I live for. This is it. Do you remember when there was a Tubi movie about the Amber Heard Johnny Depp trial? It came out before the actual trial verdict even came in.

They wrote it, shot it, edited it. And like three. Had an ending. Dude. They just cut to the actual. I refreshed the TubiPay. I swear I was the first person to watch. Call the company and ask them who was the first person. It was me from Canada where I was shooting a TV show. Dude, do you know the amount of Adderall that has to be ingested in order to write, cast, costume, direct, film?

edit and release a movie this is but this you have to understand this is how genius things are made this that's art right there and I'm done with the overthinking and the writing and the rewriting and there should be laws against rewriting truly anything that's that's how bad movies happen okay they're like do another pass we're not rooting for the character and why can't his brother be his friend why is it his brother not as why is she a scientist can't she work in a magazine why

That's why every movie is bad. Okay. This is a Christmas movie about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey. Hollywood is back. They're listening to us again.

They weren't listening before. They're shooting their shot again. They went a couple years where it had nothing to do with making movies and it had nothing to do with what people wanted. Right. It was like, I don't know. Can we make the, you know, protagonist be in a wheelchair maybe? Can the mom be dead? Because, you know. Can a board game be a movie? Really? Can a battleship just be a movie? Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? But it's like, no, we really need you to make this character handicapped because our president of the company, let's be honest, he's a sexual predator. Can you just make the movie suck and pander to mentally ill, toxically compassionate, unemployed people on the internet whose kink is superiority and just make the love interest an amputee, please? This is not how you make things. The best movies at this point are only written by egomaniacs on drugs. Who?

who write things on mushrooms on a bender while cheating on their wife at Big Bear. They send it in. And it's done. You don't get snakes on a plane from someone who keeps improving a script. Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift. That's our movie.

America's spoken. Okay. We're in a crisis right now in entertainment of overthinking it just in general. Everyone's overthinking everything. I think we have too much time. We save too much time. We get Amazon. We don't have to go to the store. The thing that the postmates now we have to, we need, we have too much time to think about stuff. Okay. We don't have enough real problems. So we make up fake problems. Honestly, the only people who will have jobs after next year,

Our people who have the ability to make something bad. Listen, chat GPT will make movies that are good. Good's over. Good is replaceable. Bad is where the money is. Listen to me. Listen to me. Cocaine Bear. Christmas with the Kelsey's. What is it called? Christmas in the Spotlight. Okay. Homeboy. Mario Lopez did a movie called.

Pull it up, because you're not going to believe me, where he plays the guy from the chicken buckets, KFC, Colonel Sanders. He plays Colonel Sanders. Listen, there was a movie about hot Cheetos. These are the classics. Dude, this is... ChatGPT would never think to do this. ChatGPT would never think to make...

Mario Lopez, Colonel Sanders. Isn't it called Kentucky Fried Cinema or something? A recipe for seduction. ChatGPT would never think of something that stupid. Okay? The new business is bad stuff. The biggest movie right now is Showgirls. Period. The end. That's it. You have to understand what I'm saying.

Glitter, Mariah Carey, this is what people want to watch now. You can't make good things anymore. I'm trying to help you guys survive in this economy. I'm trying to keep you employed. Listen, best case scenario at this point, where we are evolutionarily, is that you are liked ironically. Liking things is done. We're not, we can't, we don't like anything. We can't. We've evolved past it. Hate watching something, that's kind of all we have, right?

Labyrinth is my favorite movie. They were, of course, on drugs. In the movie, you can literally see the dilated pupils of the puppeteers. Like, look, there's a behind the scenes of Labyrinth. You can see the guys like doing the goblins and stuff. Dude, it is so funny. If they had spent a bunch of time on Labyrinth, they'd be like, wait, wait a minute. Should Jareth not be 40 and Sarah not be 15? Is that weird at all?

You know, they'd be like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Should we tell the costumer to get David Bowie some underwear?

Or at least some stiffer pants. No. Thank God they were on drugs. And they forgot. A sober perfectionist ruins that movie by putting underwear on David Bowie. And then what? And then what? No one would be gay now. I need you guys to really just hear me, okay? Bad is the new good. We're all trolls. We're all trolls. And the people that accuse other people of being trolls, you're the number one. You're number one troll. You're trolling a troll. Mm-hmm.

Think about that. This loser writes negative comments. I went to his profile and he says, girl, dad, what a scumbag. You're a troll. You're trolling a troll. That is the only thing weirder than a troll trolling a normal person. All right? We don't want to like anything. We don't want hope.

We don't want to be inspired. Movies were trying to inspire us and trying to, it's done. Mario Lopez in a white goatee.

This is what we want. Movies cannot understand that there's no stories anymore about love. We don't buy it. Stop trying to inspire us to fall in love. It's sick. Movies about love, they ruined, they broke us. They broke society. They're toxic. Remember for like 15 years, the main act two twist would be that a man would just show up at his girlfriend's job and

after he like cheated on her or something for years I'd be at work and a guy would just show up at my job and be like I want you but I'm like I'm I'm literally at work like I'm sorry you went all the way to Lake Havasu with your ex and now you're at my job

To get me back. No amount of coming to my work can undo Lake Havasu. All right. Now get out of my place of business. I'm trying to flirt with my boss. Also, did you just ask me to pick you up to drive you to my work to come and apologize? Movies. We do things we see in movies. That's the problem. You know what I'm saying? We got to stop with that. We got to movies got to stop with their propaganda that we all got to fall in love. It's hateful.

It's sick. A man cheated on Halle Berry. Why does nobody talk about this? People ask me all the time. They're like, why are you so negative about love? Because Halle Berry got cheated on. It happened to all of us. Tiger Woods happened. Could have had any model. He had a Swedish angel whose thighs didn't touch. Then a side chick, then another side chick, then another one and another one. Up to 18 side chicks literally and figuratively had 18 holes. And you want me to just fall in love with someone?

That's sick. I'm good. That's when I think we all as a society broke. I like looking back and going, oh, when did things change? It was then. All right. I'm out. Kentucky Fried Seduced. What's it called again? I just want Kentucky Fried Seduction. Bucket of Lopez. Bucket of...

A breast of Lopez. I don't know. Recipe for seduction. Recipe for seduction. It's so funny. We don't use typewriters anymore. We don't use horse and carriage unless New York tourism gross puke. We don't use leeches for medicine, but we still do like love. Love was... That was for when our life expectancy was literally 35 years old. You'd meet the person at 20. You'd marry them. By 30, you'd be like, ugh. Like, I don't...

But then they start dying around then. So you'd be like, oh, we got to get the quill pen and do the paperwork so I can get the orchard. That was it. And then you'd be taking care of them when they had their disease, and then you'd catch their leprosy, and that was it. That was it. Movies went too far with this. They've tried to use that to get it. Even drug dealers know when to switch drugs that they're selling. You know what I'm saying? I know this because I've dated them all. Movies...

Went too far with trying to be good. No one cares about the human condition. It sucks. Filmmakers are like, we're going to show you the human condition. Only filmmakers on sets, are you confused? We know. Tell the people in foster care about how the human condition works. We know. And here's why movies are done. Because every person who a movie used to be made about is on Kill Tony.

We get to see the trash collector who probably killed someone talk about his time in the military and his addiction to catfishing people on stage at the Comedy Mothership. And then we get to see him play arenas two weeks later. That's cinema. All right. I need to watch Timon Lee Shamley pretend to be that guy. All the scary, complicated characters Carnegie Mellon theater nerds wanted to portray in cinema are now in the green room with the Comedy Mothership.

They're on my Instagram story. Like, you don't... We don't need any... The movie business has mostly been elitist insiders from New York and L.A. making movies about outsiders. Nepo babies with stay-at-home moms would make movies about a single mom in Arkansas who has to prostitute herself. Now we get to see that on Kill Tony every Monday night. The real version of it. Okay? Yeah.

We used to only see one type of person making movies about everyone else or what they thought everyone else was. But now everyone else has YouTube. You can just go right to them. It used to be like Hollywood make a movie about a guy who is like a handsome renegade who relies only on his survival skills. And then he's in Kenya and he falls 16 feet off of a rock. Right. Leonardo DiCaprio straight off for Oscar. But now that's Bear Gryllis. We go to his YouTube.

OK, I think that the people that movies used to be based on got sick of being paid $40. Leonardo DiCaprio got paid $20 million. They were like, I have a GoPro. And my wife, I've broken her down mentally and brainwashed her enough into filming me 24 hours a day. Like, why am I going to loop in Will Smith's production company? Why am I paying Will Smith 50% of what I make? And then he punches my favorite comedian.

Why am I driving out to Calabasas to meet with Will Smith's assistant's assistant to not get this thing made? I'll just film this myself on my Ring camera and get 30 million hits on Twitter because Andrew Tate reposted me from prison. Like, that's Hollywood now. It used to be like, am I going to get discovered? Am I going to go on The Tonight Show? It used to be like, is this casting director going to notice me at Harvey Weinstein's house? That was Hollywood. Is a music producer going to see me at a Diddy party and put me in a music video?

That used to be what Hollywood was. But then you snitches ruined it. Now it's is Andrew Tate going to retweet me in a state of rage from a Romanian prison? That's that's it. That's it. Taylor Swift, Travis Kelsey movie, Christmas movie. I'm in. That's the best part. It's it's a Christmas movie. We're in May. It's a Christmas movie out now. Sick, dude. That's it. I love that time's done.

We don't have time anymore. Like, time is done. Like, we can't even bank on it being May when it's May. We don't even have that.

We don't even have that. And you wonder why people are like, don't know if we went to the moon or like, I don't know if we went to the moon. Is the earth flat? Time isn't even time anymore. We will wait for nothing. No one's waiting for anything. Any more. Am I being clear about this? We're not waiting. We're not waiting for our groceries. We're not waiting for our Starbucks. We're not going to wait for our soulmate. Get out of here. We will marry the person we got pregnant at the office party and call it a day. We aren't waiting.

to get a divorce. We're on legal Zoom. We're not waiting to watch a Christmas movie till Christmas. The Meteor's coming. Step-sister porn is number one. Do you think we're going to wait till December for Christmas to happen? A guy just got impaled on a fence at the Roman Coliseum. He didn't have time. He regrets nothing.

47-year-old American attempted, he lives in Taiwan, I guess. He tried to climb over the fence in the Piazza del Colosseo and he was skewered by the sharp metal bars in the fence. He was trying to take a photo. He might have a sick photo.

Like, honestly, photos of people right before they die of taking the photo is a genre I'm in. That I would actually put my credit card details in. That's a subscription I can get behind. He had to get there. He woke up when the doctor was like, I can't believe you're alive. And he's like,

Take me back. I didn't get the shot. How many likes? How many likes did I get? You have no blood cells left. Likes. Did I get the likes? By the way, this guy was 47. This wasn't a 22-year-old influencer. We're in a rush. This guy had no time to go through the door to go to the Coliseum. You plan a vacation. You plan the trip. You get in line. You get on the... Sorry, I just...

The idea that he was planning this trip for so long. It's he gets on the plane. He says that they get to go, puts the film in the camera, charges the phone. And this is when you cut the corner like at the buzzer. We were in a rush. There is no time. By the way, what better way to celebrate the Roman? It's weird that we celebrate the Roman Colosseum. All they did was slaughter people. I mean, honestly, the Colosseum is doing what the Colosseum does best, which is just impale people.

The fact that we go there and we're like the Colosseum animals, species of animals went extinct because of the Roman Colosseum. They used to put elephants in there with like six tigers in just eight hours. It's work is not done. Let's talk about money. Honey, cat cash app is back. They're all coming back. They're all coming back.

All the OGs. Okay. There was a lot of brands that I was pretty sure me and my podcaster friends ruined by promoting them on our podcast. They bounced back. Cash App being one of them. So Cash App managed to survive being promoted by me, Bobby Lee, and Tim Dillon. That's a good company.

If you can survive being endorsed by Andrew Santino, Whitney Cummings, Bobby Lee, and Tim Dillon, the four people known to be the worst with cash. The four horsemen of the apocalypse. Ha ha ha!

And Cash App's back. They bounce back. Cash App is having a resurgence in the zeitgeist. Actually, Cash App is like Coke or not the drug. I mean, like, it's like it's the thing. Cash App. It's like soda is a Coke. Like, can I have a Coke? Kleenex. Yeah. Have a tissue. Right. You guys nailed it.

I love Cash App. Okay, so here's the deal. It's fast, it's safe, it's easy. You download it, you set it up with your phone or email. No bank account needed. See, good. This is sick. Sending money to friends, done. Handled in seconds. Do you have loser friends like me?

who spent all their money on Coachella tickets? Cash App makes it easy to keep those friends, to enable them, to keep them making bad choices, okay? No more awkward IOUs. That never happens. It never happens. Cash App even gives you personalized payment options. Add your own notes, emojis, and all your flourishes to make it fun because paying someone back is fun. Plus, it gives you security. If something seems sketchy,

If paying someone without a bank account seems sketchy, they'll flag it for you. Okay? It's reliable. It's straightforward. It just, you guys, it just works. Here's the deal. For a limited time, new users can use our exclusive code. Download the Cash App. Sign up. Use referral code Whitney in your profile. Send $5 to a friend within 14 days and you'll get $10 back. Finally, having a friend paid off for once. Cash App. Okay, look. Sorry. Hey, guys, relationships take work.

And I won't do it. And that's why Pat's sitting in today for Chris. Pat is the only person I'll work on a relationship with. Willing to endure whatever. Remember today, I was like, I can't text during days when I'm writing the podcast. Relationships do take work. And I need to work on that about myself. But it's just that it's most relationship takes work. It doesn't have to be boring. It doesn't have to be emotional stuff.

Enter paired app. It's a relationship app that helps couples stay close and connected with just a few minutes a day. You both download the app, you pair together and you get daily prompts, questions, game and quizzes. You know what? I I'm going to do this truly right now. I'm not even I'm actually not joking because once you get a little bit older, you don't know what to ask people. I don't know what to ask Chris.

Yeah. Like, I don't know where to start. Like, I'm so rusty and weird. And I don't remember much. You need someone to tee you up. He doesn't remember much. So, you know what I mean? Yeah. And also, what if I don't like his answer? Well, he better have an app that helps him with his answer.

Like, what if I'm like, what? Like, I'm so afraid because my point of view on stuff is always so off that like, like, what do you think about this? Just don't tell me because there's I'm going to have to argue about it. I'm no joke. I'm getting this and I'm going to start sending this because we've run out of things to talk about. We're really we're really kind of what is it paired? Can I get my discount paired, paired up?

All right. Pair that for couples. There it is. Cute for a love that lasts. I'm genuinely getting this. Start strengthening your relationship today in a fun, easy way. Head to pair.com slash Whitney. Am I allowed to do my own thing? If anyone slash Whitney at to get a seven day free trial and 25% off the subscription. This even if you do end up paying for this without the code, it saves you money in divorce fees.

Right. P-A-I-R-E-D dot com slash Whitney. Here we go. Look, welcome. Good for you, fans. Look at us. Cute. Connect with your partner. I'm going to do it. I'm serious. I we're in a we're in a lull and I'm going to fix it. But I need to get Wi-Fi first because also if I'm going to be you don't want to go back out there. You probably are like, I don't know. We've been together for four years. Trust me.

Whatever it is, just resuscitate it with the Pear Nap. There's nothing better out there. Men in Asia are wearing pillows. They know. They know what's up. There's no time to make a movie, much less shoot the movie, much less wait till Christmas to watch the movie. All right? Ever since porn stopped having storylines, we all just go up to act three. We don't, we can't.

We don't want Act 1. We don't want Act 1. We don't need Act 1. Oh, okay, he's a divorce attorney who's incapable of intimacy. I know. You didn't need to set that up. Just put a man in the shot, and we know he's incapable of intimacy. Just go to the part where Sidney Sweeney runs down the stairs in the bathing suit. I'm busy. I'm busy. I'm too busy saving time.

Okay? I'm busy. We're all slammed saving time. Okay? I can't do this right now. I don't have time for your movie setting up the character. I need to go download Postmates and track my Amazon driver and call the airline because I saved so much time getting the ticket online. And

my TSA pre is expired so I need to save time by renewing my TSA pre so I never have to wait in the long line but in order to do that I have to schedule an appointment at the airport where I wait three hours so I can save five minutes in two months I don't have time for any of this okay I'm busy saving time

All right. You think I'm going to wait till Christmas to watch a Christmas movie? If you think that is the you have another thing coming. All right. Christmas is the only thing anyone has left. It's the only thing anyone has to look forward to anymore is literally fighting with our families around a slowly dying tree and giving them presents we can't afford and that they don't deserve. That is the brightest spot in our lives at this point.

The businesses that understand that Christmas is all we have to hold on to are the ones that will survive. This is why the Honey Baked Ham store is open all year round. That's the only business that won't get replaced by AI because they get it. AI would never make a store that sells a holiday. Delectable. Delectable. I literally am like, what do you call that?

all year round. AI would be like, that's dumb because they don't understand. You guys, Lifetime, Hallmark, Honeybake Ham Store, they understand the only reason anyone keeps going is because they look forward to a holiday that happens once a year that's never gone well. But that's it. We run as humans on delusions about Christmas all year. Yeah.

That's what keeps us going. All right. We make money. We work hard all year to be able to afford the scooter that will shred our son's knee clear off the bone on December 26th. This is all we have to look forward to. We should only make Christmas movies that don't make any sense. Frankly, let me say this again in a different way. Movies, they have to stop making sense.

All right. We're in a mental health crisis and it needs to be matched with art that is so bad that insane people think it makes sense. If the storyline makes sense, a mentally ill person or everyone now, they don't know what's going on. Like, have you known anyone recently who just like goes to a movie like, I don't get it. And you're like, yeah, because it made sense.

Of course, I didn't get that movie. The movie was dumb. You're like, yeah, because it wasn't Christmas at all. Yeah, because they stayed together at the end. I know it's confusing. Okay. Why would they say I love you? Okay, dude, that movie was didn't make any sense. Okay. He said, I love you. And she said it back.

You have to lean into what actually brings us comfort. Violence and horror doesn't work anymore. That used to be our cozy comfort zone, but now we're too desensitized, right? We've seen live war footage on Twitter. We've seen helicopters drop out of the sky in New York City during the day. No. Why are we talking about that every morning? It's

I already forgot. Honestly, I assumed it was fake. The default is like they don't exist. We can't keep trying to evoke emotion from people who lack the ability to feel. Art is about playing on the heartstrings of people. There's no heartstrings left. We're so mentally numb that entertainment, it just needs to be pure confusion, like a visual puzzle. Like the only thing that entertains anyone now is like,

Wait, did they mean to release this version? Is this the right version? They're like, I'm going to watch this movie because I heard the actress did her own wardrobe. That's why people watch. Wait, I got to I got to watch this. I got to watch. It ends with us because it's evidence in a court case. And my kink is the law. I want to participate in a court case. We watch movies only if there are evidence in a court case involving Taylor Swift, right?

Taylor Swift is being subpoenaed. I got to watch this movie. So they'll only watch it if it's evidence in a court case that Taylor Swift may testify in or a Christmas movie based on the latest relationship about Taylor Swift. Do you understand? It has to just be about Taylor Swift and Christmas and make no sense. People are like, we need diversity in movies because this doesn't reflect what the world looks like.

I don't even want to, the cast is not your thing. No movies reflect the world if it has a beginning, middle, and an end. We only have an end. It's just end, end, end. The only movie that's ever made sense is Memento. Matrix, I'll give it to you. Linear's done. Okay. People went to space and we got mad.

and they think the moon landing is fake. So they think we didn't go to space back then, which makes us mad. And then we go to space, and we're even more mad. If you go to space, we're mad, and if you don't go to space, we're mad. People are naming their kids Harriet and Maude. It's full circle. Time is over. Rich people go camping. They sleep outside by choice. Rich people say out loud to other people that they have depression.

You can't act like things are... Heidi Montag is in my feed again, and I'm like it. I don't know when it is ever. We have no concept of time. They brought back a Jurassic Wolf, but we don't have the technology to put out a fire in Malibu. Do you see... Does anyone understand? Do you get it? When you walk on a plane now, half the people on the plane are taking a photo of themselves in the seat and sending it to another person.

who has to look we're fake people we're not people anymore but that said i i think we should stop trying to be authentic it's not the way forward right there's a movement that was like we got to be authentic that was our big mistake that is dangerous

That is actually like getting a Belgian Malinois and not training it. I miss pretending. You know, we used to go home for Thanksgiving and pretend we liked our family, pretend that we didn't see the ridges on the cranberry sauce from the can. We'd pretend it was homemade and we'd all just pretend your cousin pretend he wasn't gay. We'd pretend we all pretend we had to work the next day so we could leave early. And everyone got that. It was working back then. No one knows how to behave anymore.

Because the directive is authenticity. It's chaos. No one knows what anyone wants. Because we're all these street cats who have been alone for too long. We've been consuming so much fake content.

Watch influencers be fake. And then the whole thing is be authentic. But it's a fake person saying be authentic. Right. And then you can't. We don't have a reference point for authentic. We don't know what it means. It's not a real it's a word that doesn't work. Nobody, you know, is telling you to be authentic. It's only real.

A message from something you don't know. That's so funny. It's someone that never has to spend any time with you. Yeah, it's someone who will never meet you. Just throwing a grenade. Be authentic. And then it's like when the x-ray technician sprints out of the room. We watch influencers be fake, video games, and now porn. So by the time we see a real human, we're like, we don't know how to act. So it's time to just stop watching movies and live like you're the star of one. This is the only approach that will work. Am I a like...

life coach? I think I'm like the best life coach. You're advocating for main character syndrome. No one knows how to behave anymore. So I think if you just think as if you were the main character in a movie that you like starring a person that was cool, just do that. I'm talking like

basic manners. Like in a movie, if the main character landed, right, was like on a flight going somewhere. And if that scene was him calling someone and being like, hey, I landed, you'd be like, that's a bad movie. I hate that guy. So don't do that. Before you do something, just be like, what a cool character in a movie. If they did this, would I be like sick?

If the lead of the movie had his opening scene getting out of a vintage Ford Bronco walking toward the bar, would he have an Apple AirPods? There's your answer. Would the cool girl in the movie played by Zendaya in her opening scene where you see at the roller derby?

in ripped tights. I don't know. Like, would she be talking about Mercury being in retrograde? No. Her crazy divorce friend with a drinking problem, the sidekick, would talk about astrology. Don't be the sidekick. Cast yourself as the cool person in a movie and just do what they would do. That's the only way...

People can figure out how to function anymore. I don't think we have enough reference points for how to actually behave because we haven't done anything real in so long. We don't have a moral compass anymore because there's just because sociopaths are winning. We're only seeing sociopaths win. So we don't know how we think we have to behave like that. We don't have role models anyway. Do we have role models? No one's modeling morality. All

All right. The huge ethical movements where we marched and posted ended up being money laundering schemes. We can't we don't know what we're all even supposed to do. We don't understand what's valued. We don't know how to get what we want. Ethics don't work anymore. Psychopaths are winning and they've got boats. The dorks we didn't talk to in high school. They will not stop till they have every last bit of our data. They will not stop until they have your spit in a tube.

Until they have your heart rate. They want to know how you slept. They want to watch your baby sleep on a baby monitor. They want to know when your next period is. And they're not going to stop. You didn't go to prom with that dork. And now you will pay. He will know when your next period is. You'll be waiting on codes to be texted to you to log into your own page.

These dorks, the time you didn't give them in high school, they will take from you now. You will be waiting on codes to be texted to you to log into your own Facebook page and you will wait. OK, you will wait. You will put it as soon as you get it. You will put it in as fast as you can in your phone, but not fast enough. Your baby will fall down the stairs because you're trying to get that code in because you can just copy and paste it. You're locked out of your account because we didn't keep them locked in that locker where they belonged.

I know this is all over the place. I don't care. That's my brand. Stop reading self-help books. Stop listening to podcasts hosted by people without psychiatry degrees telling you what your psychological diagnosis is and people giving you relationship advice and they don't have husbands. It's do what someone you like in a movie would do. Would Emma Stone's character go online and write under Lana Del Rey's last photo, you're a right-wing grifter? Probably not. Yeah.

Would the guy from Peaky Blinders and Oppenheimer, what's his name? Cillian Murphy. Cillian Murphy. Yes. Would Cillian Murphy in a movie where he was like a gangster who took down bad guys with his talking car, would he go on Reddit and engage in the comments about how much he hates Gwen Stefani because she said she's Christian? I don't think he would. Yeah.

I know we don't have role models anymore. That's not your fault. We don't. Do we? LeBron is done. LeBron, a video. Oh, God. So close on LeBron. Scottie Pippen said in some interview that came up on my feed, he said, if you're the greatest to ever do it, you're not the greatest if you say it. Other people should say it. Chapel Brown?

She's kind of a role model. I know you're mad at her because she said something. There's a video I'm going to send you where she said all the things she likes and I'm back. I am on board with Chapel Roan. Call her daddy interview. Got a lot of hate. Who cares? The reaction people have when a 25-year-old pop star, if she doesn't agree with you, you're mad at her. Why would you want to have the same opinions as a 25-year-old pop star?

Pop star. Like, why? What are we? If everyone's not us, we they're it's over. Our whole thing is I hate myself. I need to work on myself. And if someone doesn't literally agree with everything you say, you're like, they're trash. But I thought you're broke. Which is it?

Your life's not over if Chapel Roan is grumpy and doesn't want kids. I want people who don't want kids to not have kids. Hot take. If someone's like, I hate dogs, I'm not going to ask them to dog sit for me. If you're watching a movie starring Robert Downey Jr. and he was an astronaut whose side hustle was, you know, helping strippers get out of bad relationships without being a creep. And there was a scene of him in his car watching Call Her Daddy.

And watch Chaperone talk about her friends and how much they don't like being parents. And his character was like, oh, what an ingrate. I'm going to take Pink Pony Club off my workout jams playlist. Everyone just breathe. All right. You don't if you don't know how to behave, just think about Robert Downey Jr. doing it in a movie and see if you should still do it or say it. Would Emma Stone say this? Would Tom Hardy look cool texting his ex on the way to pick up the girl he likes? Probably not.

look, we don't have God anymore. We don't have scruples. We don't have inner wisdom or the ability to think through a choice because we don't have time. We don't have brain cells or a moral compass as a species. So just Darwinism right now is can you put yourself in a movie, watch that movie, see if it's a good movie.

Squarespace is still a sponsor after I tore them a new one. We got a message. I didn't share the message with you because you were having a busy day. And I was like, I don't think Whitney wants to see this one. I'm going to let it float by. Can you read it? I can pull it up. They had comments on the first one back. Okay. We had a lot of fun with it. And...

They did, too, but mainly the last time we didn't add for Squarespace. We hadn't heard from them in a while. They didn't sponsor us for a bit. I dyed my hair blue, had a manic episode, and all of a sudden they were nowhere to be found. And then I go on CNN and start yelling about dead chefs and they come crawling back. So the last ad, I was kind of like, where have you been, Squarespace? And I was like, I can't believe they let us do that. They said they emailed us that roast comic that we sponsored made fun of us.

What a shocker. Oh, I thought that was really the, I was like, they don't know my name. I'm going to. Did you see? Oh, wow. We can't believe that the roast comic made fun of us when we came back with money. Okay. Hi, Patrick. Got the below note from Squarespace about the spot on 419. I am assuming they want it removed from the audio and it should be good. Let me know if you have any questions. And this is the note.

From Squarespace. From Squarespace. Can I just give you this? I'm not. I'm not. It starts right there in the middle. We're huge fans of Whitney and the humor she adds to her show. And we thought the bit was funny, but it goes on for a while. Yeah, that's my thing. I go on for a while after the point's been made. It's called Overkill. It's my brand.

It could have a negative brand impact with the listeners and their perceptions of how we handle our relationships with the shows we sponsor. Could you please remove this ad read from the episode and replace it in a future integration? So I owe them an ad? They're asking for a make good. That's podcast lingo for do it again. Were you going to tell me about this? No. Okay.

You've been having a rough week with the computers and such, so I figured the last thing you wanted was a hiccup like that. I've had a rough week with the computers? With the computers, yeah. They've been after you, and they're not giving you any slack. I have been attacked by computers this week. Yeah, I want to pile on. Oh, by the way, Squarespace is pissed.

I love the idea of picturing you alone at your house, getting an email like that and being like, should I send this to her? Based on the last text that I got from Whitney, I should not send this to her. I love it.

I love the idea that the more like annoyed I am about something, you're just like, that's the time to send it. Cause it's, I'm already there. Yeah. You might as well. I'm already in the headspace. If you just threw it at me and I was like, Pat, I was having a good, no computers attack me today. Why would you throw this at me today? Yeah. Well, it was probably 30 seconds after you texted me, I'm going to sleep or,

I'm going to rest. I need to do this. Have I ever actually done that when I said I was going to do that? No. Yeah. But I don't want but I'm ruining your dip out. So Squarespace did respond and say that my read went on too long. And honestly, I agree. And they're right. And this makes me now I respect their brand even more. And their web creation tools are top notch as a result, which is what they make.

So if you want to launch a business, a portfolio, a store, or a blog, Squarespace makes it stupid easy to go from idea to online. Pick a template. Customize how you want to do. Are they the ones that did outdoor clothes or indoor clothes? Outdoor outfits. Outdoor outfits. Was this them? No. Oh, okay. That was me. No.

On Squarespace, you can sell your products, books, services, post content, host video, and even track analytics all in one place. It's built in. It's everything. It just, it works. That's it. Across desktop and mobile. Plus they got built in SEO tools to help people find your site. They also have self-respect in their advertising department. And they gave me a little tsk tsk, and I actually agree with them. Whether you're a creator, a small business, or just someone trying to get their stuff out there, Squarespace is the tool you want.

Yeah, goodbye OnlyFans. Hello, Squarespace. Get your stuff out there. Go to squarespace.com slash Whitney for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use code Whitney and save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I'm so sorry. It's just some like the email saying like we love her humor. Like that person is definitely Croatian. We love her humor. Thanks, Squarespace. You know, coconuts kill like 2000 people a year.

Dude, dude. You know what? I keep hearing that. Dude, dude. I don't know if it's true. I was going to do a whole bit about this. The reason I think it's a shady statistic is because it's not exactly 2000. And also, everyone that dies via coconut probably doesn't get to go to the, people don't, they didn't see it. You know who's reporting a death by coconut? A murderer. A corn tree. A murderer. The coconut got her. Guys, another, add it to the pile of 2000. Another coconut death.

Half of all coconut to the head deaths are absolutely murder. Yeah. Darn it. If it wasn't a coconut, did you see the guy who tried to kill his wife on a hike in Hawaii and didn't succeed? And he went to jail. He tried to push her off the cliff and she wouldn't fall. I,

I'm betting it was also on camera. Dude, no. And then he's an anesthesiologist. He then tried to shoot her with a substance. And she's like, what are you doing? Harrison Ford in the 90s. The fugitive did it. She literally was like, what are you doing? Like, if you're going to try to push me off a cliff, I don't know, maybe like get in shape first. Like she did not. She's like, knock it off. Go to jail. Imagine your husband trying to push you off a cliff. He got mad. This is it. He was like, come, let's take a selfie together. And she was like, she was like, something felt weird.

And he was trying to get her to take a selfie so that he could push her off a cliff. Yeah. First, make sure you can act before you try to kill your wife. Make sure you're like, hey, can you get over here? Well, make sure she doesn't want to push you off the cliff if you're like, hey, come this way. They're both like, huh? A real two-step going on. That's a real mutual assured destruction right there. Now, time to get to some great news because you know me.

I'm happy. I'm positive. Not only is there a Christmas movie out on Lifetime, we are going to be watching live on the show. I don't know if we're allowed to do it, but we're going to do it. Pat's going to figure it out. If I have to remake the movie myself and have Pat shoot the whole thing. I know how to do it. Should we do a remake of Christmas in the Spotlight? Yeah, let's shoot it this summer. Let's start it dead serious.

You know that I want to start doing a thing with Chris where we recreate 80s music videos. Oh, nice. Yeah. We've run out of things to talk about. You guys could do take on me in the doorway. No, I mean, Chris Isaac in the in Helena. Just take you guys to the beach and flop around. Let's do it. Where she's just like sucking her thumb. Yeah. I'll get a list. I'll make a list. Well, I definitely want to do separated by fools. The one where the guy is like, but I have to play that guy. Benny Mardonas. Yeah. I've worked with his son.

We that's we need to talk about that later. I've gotten really into my segues recently. None of them go to ads, though. You ever. Speaking of websites knows me so well. When I was in Chattanooga this weekend, I got a text from him and it was Elizabeth Holmes and her husband like in an Olin Mills shoot on a rock. I don't know how she does all these photo shoots from prison, but I was like, how did you know I want to talk about that next week?

She's back, guys. Look, here's the thing about me and Elizabeth Holmes. She invented Theranos. She built that big company. She is now in jail. What's her exact crime? Fraud? Embezzlement? Whatever it is. I'm so glad she's back. I missed her. Her and her husband. She from jail is working on another diagnostics company with her husband. Okay? Okay.

I'm excited that I get to talk about Elizabeth Holmes because I didn't have a podcast format like this when she was really out there crushing it. And I don't think everyone truly understands how important Elizabeth Holmes and Theranos truly is in terms of putting humanity into context. Okay? So what's your problem with Elizabeth Holmes? Well, the only problem that I could sympathize with is anybody who received...

like incorrect results and then changed their life based on thinking they had AIDS when they didn't have AIDS or not knowing they had cancer when they had cancer or whatever they were testing for. And you, you're, you steer your life in a different direction. I'm sorry. They were perfectly healthy. And then she gave them a diagnosis that they were going to die soon. So they started living every day. Like they, it was their last and started enjoying their life for once. And now we're still alive. I,

would love to get a diagnosis like you're gonna die in a year a lot of quick divorces probably they're like what yeah six months yes who would you be if you only knew oh someone make that company that tells people they only have five years to live and then they start living wrap it up and then but they say

They all instant just eating Tide Pods. That's the only way to get anyone to be happy anymore is to tell them they're going to die soon. Lucky bastards. And then you get to hear you're not going to die. That's the only way I can come at this point. Then you're let down. Like, I have all this time left. Yeah, I just talked to my doctor the other day and he was like, so you're probably going to live till 100. I was like, what? Fix that.

So, yes. Okay. Obviously, Elizabeth Holmes is a psychopath. I'm more fascinated by how we allowed her. We're the crazy one. I don't blame her. With people like this, you can't blame them. This is any teenager.

This is any teenager. We did Elizabeth. We made Elizabeth Holmes. Here's the thing about Elizabeth Holmes. We let slide. And it is important for me to rehash this. I never I'm never focused on what everybody else is. She made a fake machine. Yeah, that's every Silicon Valley company. They want all of our fluids up there. I that that felt right. Part of her pitch for the Theranos machine. There is a call. I believe she's talking to Henry Kissinger where she says this machine will reduce nurse error in Africa.

whole thing that she just assumed everyone else agreed with was these nurses in Africa can't figure out how to draw blood. So we need to send this machine down there so people don't have to deal with these stabby, crazy African nurses. Can't even find a vein to save their life. No proof that there's needle error or nurse error. No proof that's an issue. But the underlying assumption was, oh, yeah, you know, African nurses, they can't figure out how to use a needle.

She said that with a straight face. I feel like nobody for people just like let that slide. Maybe it's just like too boring or something. That was part of her justification in Africa. No other country, just Africa. Again, everyone that gave her money. They're the idiots. When you're 19, you're supposed to say dumb things and adults are supposed to go. Yeah, no, that doesn't work. If it worked, we'd do it. But she was a 19 year old that said dumb things and everyone went, oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. No one is going to rush out to war with a giant printer for blood while someone's bleeding out on a battlefield. This is what pisses me off. She's not a girl's girl. Nurses know how to draw blood. Stop taking nurses jobs who are serving in a war. They're serving. They're doing more in a day than you've ever done in your life.

And you're going to flippantly say they don't know how to use a needle. They know how to do things. You don't. Let me be clear. I'm about to lose you, but then I'm going to get you back. There's a lot of racism in the world, a lot of sexism, ageism. But the thing we need to talk about within white privilege, OK, is blonde privilege. Just stay with me. OK, blondes are kind of a problem and no one will address it.

But me and my Asperger's happy to step in and save the day on this one. It is kind of a struggle to be a brunette, not by choice, and watch most of these Karens be blonde. And like no one will say, remember when women were just calling police on people of color? I mean, they're probably still doing it, but it was like going very, and they were all just blonde and like,

No one said anything. It's like when a school shooter's trans, no one will cover it. It's like that kind of... Anytime a woman loses her mind on a plane and there's a video of her just screaming at people and fighting, they're always blonde. I don't know. Is the Clorox going to their brain? I don't know. When I bleached my hair, I started collecting vintage pads, dispensers, and tissue boxes made out of doll heads. So it might just be Clorox. I don't know. And let me be clear.

So natural wands is more the issue. Bottle blondes, we've all been there. We've all done it. We've all turned 30 and gone to the hair salon and been like, just do it. Do it. Do it. Pour the bleach on my head. I don't care if I go bald. I would rather have two blonde hairs than a billion brown hairs at this point. I don't care if the bleach gets in my eye. I'd rather I could have one blue eye. So I'll get a promotion at some point.

brunettes don't get away with stuff like this they just don't okay the biggest mistake jeffrey epstein made was his psycho wing woman was a brunette if glade maxwell was a blonde they'd still be trafficking they'd be thriving he'd be at the white house correspondence dinner he'd probably be in the white house as the head of education he'd be the head of the education department focusing on all girls schools she would have left him a long time ago

Like if Jeffrey Epstein had gotten a blonde as his main wing, he'd have a pea body award because that's the size of body he prefers, pea sized. Blondes, they truly are unstoppable. Natural versus bottle. You know, when you're a natural blonde...

You're just treated different from the jump you are coddled and you are cared for. Right. They're just some of my best friends are natural blondes. I've seen this up close. They have no concept of consequences because they've been so coddled and so protected. You know, they don't really know how the world works. Right. The imaginary tea party never stopped. Brunettes only got to be princesses until they were like five or six.

By five, my mom was like, hey, idiot, there's nothing in the cup. You're embarrassing me at the mall. And mommy needs a new boyfriend to pay for your Lisa Frank toddler makeup so that we can contour your beak because I don't know whose nose that is. What's sugar daddy? He's going to take on a single mom with a brunette kid who drinks fake tea all day. It's weird. But when you're a young blonde that does it, it's like charming. It's magical. Wow, she has such a great imagination. You have a blonde and a brunette, Pat. You know. They're meeting in the middle. And that's what the blonde one told you to say? Yeah.

Yes. She's in charge after all. She's blonde and she knows it. Blonde girls at a very young age, they look at all the storybooks and they see they all look like her. And the sister that doesn't get the prince looks like the brunette girl. Okay. Blondes. Okay. You have a blonde and a brunette kid. It's so funny that you're in for this one.

I had the same. I have the same sibling situation as you have with your daughters. The blonde, when you go to the pool, they're just getting sunscreen put on that. Sunscreen, sunscreen. They get sunscreen on their back. The brunette girl, I'm in the deep end, just drowning. Everyone's like, why is there a raccoon in the pool? They...

They don't care. Brunettes, we don't care. Right. I'm not mad. It's just it's just helpful to know. Why can't we just say it? Elizabeth Holmes was 19. She said, I'm dropping out of college. I got it. She she decided she was too smart for Stanford. So she dropped out. What are these idiots? No. These bunch of idiots. I'm going to go make a blood machine that gives you a test at home. And I would know.

Because I'm 19. A bunch of brunette scientists in their 40s were like, hey, can we get some money, please? We actually already have this machine. It's like we can actually do this. We know the technology. We've actually discovered it and tested it. It works. It actually works. Not a complete scam. Henry Kissinger was like, shut up, Gail. This 19-year-old blonde girl has some good ideas. And according to her, she doesn't even need to go to college to learn about how blood works, you moron.

Henry Kissinger invested in Theranos. Press Secretary of the United States, National Security Advisor. He negotiated a peace agreement with North Vietnam. North. But he was a Jewish immigrant from Germany in 1938. I get wanting to have a blonde around. You want to have a blonde in your house. During that time, that would have been a huge advantage. I get why older Jewish men think they should have a blonde around. But this is...

Henry Kissinger is a man who invested a ton in Theranos. So I'm like, he must know something. He must know that a 19-year-old blonde, forget that she's blonde, that a 19-year-old girl can do this technology. By the way, also, what about a 20-year-old guy? Why a 19-year-old blonde?

So I'm going either he's got some essay allegations that he needs to invest in this girl to look like he, you know, can be in a room with a woman without being a creep. I had a bunch of meetings with her. Like, maybe it's that. No, I think I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. OK, because he did all this. Right. He did organize us pulling out of Vietnam. Right. Yeah. He was involved in all kinds of I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

My guess is that in order to achieve everything that he achieved, he has to understand human nature, right? He has to understand what motivates people. He knows that if Liz Holmes is young and blonde, she will raise enough money to hire the right people and eventually figure it out. I bet he was like, she'll figure it out. Of course she doesn't know, but that level of confidence and delusion, she's a winner. Am I right? So she'll hire the best people. Then she'll take all the credit. That's she gets it.

Okay? This is what natural blondes were born to do. He knew that some brunette would beat herself up and go, guys, I don't think I know what I'm... I don't think this works. Slow to market. That's what we would do. I'd be like, I feel bad. This might tell someone they have AIDS and they don't have AIDS. We should... It would be irresponsible to try to make money right now. Can't. Okay? Okay.

That's what I would do. Women, you gotta just dye your hair. Okay, think about it. Think about the most successful women in history, the most powerful. Hillary Clinton, blonde. I can't really say anything I want to say about that. So just Google it, okay? Google what I said on New Year's Eve. But Bill Clinton knew. Marry a blonde. 23andMe founder, blonde. If a brunette was like, I want everyone to spit in a tube so I can tell them when they're gonna get Alzheimer's, we'd be like, okay.

The electric chair. Gwyneth Paltrow. If I made goop, you would put me in a psychiatric hold. Marjorie Taylor Greene. If a brunette said anything that woman has ever said, she'd be in a Russian prison. I'm just singing. If you do a movie about a female assassin, what color is the hair?

Always blonde. Because you know she'll get away with it. If she's brunette, we're like, yeah, she's really going to get away with all this. Killing Eve. She had to be blonde. She's a murdering psychopath. But if she's blonde, she's like charming. It's like a charming. You're like, what happened to her? It's not her fault that she's just bored all the time. Martha Stewart. I dare you to find an 80-year-old brunette woman they put on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Rhea Perlman. She killed.

Dude, sick. She went to jail. And in her documentary, she admitted to cheating on her husband. She's like, he cheated on me. And they're like, didn't you have an affair? And she was like, yeah, but. That was like a short term thing. Rachel Ray posted one video where she was a little bloated, destroyed online recently. Blake Lively and Amber Heard. They're fine.

They're fine. Amber Heard just had twins. She's thriving. Blake Lively was in the time power list of the year thing. Everyone's like, she just got excited. She was just excited. Give her a break. She loves clothes. Who cares? She want to play dress up and be an imaginary director. Who cares? She has such a good imagination. You know, that's how we hated Anne Hathaway for no reason. She didn't do her own wardrobe. She didn't bully a directed. What I'm saying is that women are,

I'm just saying go blonde if you want to survive. I did it when I went blonde when I was blonde. It's very different when you're blonde. Like I'd go into Starbucks and they would draw a heart on your cup. No heart. They knew I was blonde. Went blonde. The next day I went on a plane. The pilot invited me into the cockpit. Did you know that was a service? Come. But it's for blonde. Yeah, they did. You're blonde because you had a blonde daughter.

It was her birthday. When you're blonde, every day is your birthday. When blondes do bad things, it's cute. She went for it. When brunettes do it, it's witchcraft. She's a pick-me. Blondes do it. It's like, look at her going for it. Brunettes are like, if brunettes do it, we're like try-hards. I'm just saying.

If Jordan, what's her name, Bill Belichick's girlfriend was blonde, we'd be like, what a sweetheart. She could date any billionaire and she chose him. The brunettes banned from football stadiums. What's she going to do? Everyone's just like, yes. Is that true?

They banned her. No, look, they banned Jordan, Bill Belichick's girlfriend. They've banned her from like all the sets. They're like, how dare you make a stare at a brunette all day? Like, dude, this isn't in the agreement. JonBenet Ramsey is still on the cover of People magazine like every couple years. I don't know, maybe Ali Wong in April. We just found a new baby picture where she's in a tube top. We can't really make room for that girl from White Lotus.

We kind of wish Leslie Bibb had more screen time. Angela Merkel. Blonde. It is Germany. Madeleine Albright. Princess Diana. Be serious. Her hair was a disaster. Talk about a Karen cut. But blonde. So it was fine. If she was a brunette, they would do to her what Meghan Markle says was done to her. You can't just marry Janet from Three's Company. This is England. You can't just marry one of the boys from Stranger Things. This is serious.

The female presidents of Norway, Slovakia, Denmark, Estonia, the French president's wife's been all blonde.

I'm in it. I like it. We like a blonde to be in charge because we know her life is good. We know. We know someone's putting sunscreen on her. We know we don't have to worry about them dying of skin cancer. We know they're getting laid. It makes us feel better. Remember when we were super obsessed with diversity and then Taylor Swift went on tour and Barbie came out and everyone was like, oh, take all my money. All Fox News anchors are blonde. No one listens to brunettes when they talk.

That's it. They're like, oh, really? You think JFK is a liar? Maybe you're just jealous because he'd never date you. Like when blondes do something criminal, we're like, at least she's trying to she's trying to do business. I mean, she could be a stay at home gold digger and she's trying to change the world. She could be on a yacht in Saint-Tropez and instead she's trying to get everyone's blood out of their body. That's a hero.

I know this is hard to hear. It's hard to, I know. We just have to start being more skeptical about natural blondes. Just because the same way you get a rescue dog and you're like, be careful. You don't know what happened. Natural blondes, you got to go, just be careful. They've just, you know, they're treated like angels. I have a dear friend who is a natural blonde. When she comes into my home, she asks for candies that I've never even heard of.

They she'll she'll be like, do you have any like do you have a butterscotch like a strawberry butterscotch? I'm like, what? She'll eat like a cow tail out of nowhere. So like, you know, when you go to like Starbucks and they have the caramels, she'll take one. I'm like, you're just going to have a caramel for no reason at 9 a.m. They're like they're all like Little Miss Muppet or something. Doesn't it just cost a wink? Just a wink and a smile. They think everything's free.

Natural blondes, they always think they're getting kidnapped. When any of my girlfriends are in Ubers that are natural blondes, they're like, he's going a weird way. She comes in, she's like, oh, God, that was a close one. I'm like, no, no one wants to take you.

So sorry. We're not mad at them. The same way that when you rescue a dog who had adversity, you go, they had a lot of adversity. Be careful, right? Blondes maybe didn't have all the adversity. They kind of skated through life, and they think they can just make a magic machine that can read blood. Why not? They've never gotten a ticket. They cry to get out of speeding tickets. They went to prom with a senior when they were a freshman. When they see their hair in a drain, it doesn't look like vermin.

When they see their hair on the bathroom floor, it doesn't look like the Blair Witch Project. That's a different life. The expectation was that the nerds would go do the homework. The nerds did their homework. Nerds never did my homework. Never happened. I don't think you understand what it's like. If I take a shower and brush my hair, if I look at the floor afterwards, I'm in a horror movie. Look, seeing your own hair off your head when your hair is not blonde is terrifying.

Can you imagine the confidence that comes with never having to shave your arms or big toe? The amount of energy that is freed up in your brain in the summer when you don't have to worry about the pubes on your big toe having grown out. That's Theranos, baby. Liz Holmes is back and we're going to forgive her. Okay. I believe it is my job to prepare you guys emotionally for what is about to happen. I'm helping. She's a legend now. She's so brat.

She's going to be our queen. We can't remember anything. We don't remember what happened. All right. I'm the only person that is making sure people remember stuff because I'm a snitch. I'm a loyal snitch with OCD. I'll keep bringing it up and bringing it up. DuPont, I'm going to keep bringing it up. I'll never stop. I'm a dog with a bone. Okay.

As long as someone is famous, we're now fine with it. We don't care how they got famous. We don't care that you're a criminal. Notoriety now is way more valuable than fame. Infamous, way more glamorous. It's twilight.

She wanted to be with a vampire. We don't want love. We want adrenaline. We don't want a hero. We want a villain who we think we can change. Liz Holmes is mommy, mommy to the max. She's mommy, mommy. It's the same thing. Our moms told us Santa was real and that the Easter bunny was real, and we love her. All she did was lie to us. She told us that you had to sit by the pool and wait to digest your food for 30 minutes before going in the pool, and we send her a card on Mother's Day saying,

Liz, thank you for lying to us. Thank you for making magical days out of giant lies. That is the current Easter bunny. We got to like look for your scam.

Liz Holmes gave us podcasts, TV shows, the Easter egg hunts of adulthood. She gave us the feeling of superiority and we can never return that favor. She is the ultimate feminist. She showed us that you can lie, cheat, steal as long as you're pretty and you can just keep going. Frank Abagnale, catch me if you can. He pretended to be a pilot and a doctor and lied about and lied. But he gives TED talks for money. The CIA hired him to say, can you help us?

Ted Talks. She's going to write a book about how she was abused as a kid. None of it will be true. Don't care. A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. We don't care that it was fake. Stop it. It's enough.

If we find out it's fake and bust her, she'll go, well, it was AI. I can't believe they did that to me. And we'll go, ah, you poor thing. They took the IP of your life and lied and made a fake book about you. Cockroaches can't not cockroach. If you're mad at Liz Holmes, you don't get it. You don't understand winner mentality. The only way to win these days is to create a problem that doesn't exist and then solve it with a device that doesn't work. She's the Marilyn Monroe of science.

OK, Marilyn Monroe's charm is that she was an underdog. The men she dated distracted her. Same as Liz Holmes. Her boyfriend was a bully. She wanted to tell the truth, but he made her lie. The fact that she didn't die in prison. Bone chilling. Goosebumps. It tells me everything I need to know. How do you kill someone in prison who doesn't blink? You can't. The woman doesn't blink. I just want to get on her good side. OK, look at her.

She looks great. She's never looked better. Dude, prison was like a cakewalk for this woman. The woman is a psychopath. Now she spent a couple years in prison. Now she's unstoppable. She will fake cure cancer and it'll work. The only mistake Liz Holmes made was that she made a product.

Don't quit it. You got to make an invisible thing. Placebo effect. That's an effect. It's got to be, it's got to be something that already is around or invisible. Turmeric. Okay. An organization. Yes. A mentality. You got to sell a mentality. You know what I mean? Let them. Mel Robbins, let them. Two words. Let them. She made up, she brought a machine into it. Get out of here. Okay. My big issue with Liz Holmes is,

There was no art to the con. A con artist is an artist. She went straight for some clunky thing that you have to plug in. Quit it. Stop. We're at capacity on plugging things in. No, there's no more plugs. Silicon Valley, no more chargers, no more plugs. The plugs are full. As soon as the soldering gun came out, you were doomed. There's no words and no more get out of here.

Art. Have you ever gone to a museum and seen a bunch of cords? That's not art. Art. Con art. It's to convince someone that acai berry prevents cancer. That's art, you see. Okay? You got... You change someone's mind. You're in their... Don't bring plugs into art. Don't bring buttons into it. You're not...

That's science. You're an artist. You're a con artist. Liz, call me. I will literally coach you through this. I will invest in your next blood company as long as you promise to make a fake thing on purpose this time. Okay? That's it. It has to be about projecting on to your thing that it's working when it's not. Think of the great products. Think of the great products. Think of the great products. Magic 8-Ball.

Crystal ball. Mood ring. Dousing rod. What's that? It's how you find water in the ground with a little stick. Metal detector. You never find anything. It's not about that. It's about the beeps. It's about the beeps. It's about our addiction to beeps. It's about, I might find something. It's a close calls. It's about getting away from your family. Chasing the next beep. Chasing that beep. You got to stop with the things that...

Great products. Lip balm with addictive ingredients in it so you always need it. Created the problem, then solved it. Religion. These are the great inventions. Vapes. The thing that will get even more popular after it is clear that it is giving people clown lung, but it makes them look cool. They're renegades. They're outside. They don't care.

You need to cause problems, not solve them. Lip balm has an addictive chemical in it. The good ones...

Stop solving problems. What you don't get, Liz, is that we want problems. We love them. If you solve them, then we have nothing to, no way to get attention, Liz. She solved her way out of success. That's it. Listen carefully. If you're a hater of Liz Holmes, let me also just stop you right there. Thank God that machine didn't work or China would have your blood and you'd be like, what is trying to have our blood?

Okay, now they have our spit from 23andMe. Now they have our blood. It's one big sex party over there. That's a girl's girl. She made a machine that some guy was going to make and it was going to work. Okay, she saved us from all being turned into robot, bloody robots. The machines I hate the most right now are the ones that work. Can someone put Liz Holmes in charge of the clear kiosks at the airport? Because I think they work.

Can we get Liz Holmes on the x-ray machines at the airport so we don't have to walk through radiation every time we take a flight? Can we get her on some of the machines that are working? If the tanning beds I used twice a day as a teenager didn't work, I wouldn't have to fill my podcast room with the actual sun. Because of the 900 moles I have to get removed every morning. Stop solving real problems. No one wants it. People love their problems. They love being sick. They love not sleeping.

People, I couldn't sleep last night. I'm so tired. Stop trying to help us sleep. No one wants to sleep.

And anyone who's like, here's how to sleep better. That's just like a rich guy podcaster. If we had your life, we'd sleep. All these podcast men, they're like, here's how to sleep. No one wants to sleep. All right. You like sleeping because you have dreams. Most people have nightmares. They don't want to fall asleep. Also, most people are tired because they have real jobs. They don't podcast for two hours a day and give everyone information that women have already known for 2000 years. We know. No, we know.

I love it. The richest male podcasters are like, drink water and sleep. We're like... Oh, deep breaths? Is this... Dude, deep breaths? Wait, wait, wait. Think about it. I should drink water? Your whole episode is about how I should drink water, and then the next episode is about how I shouldn't drink water out of plastic water bottles? Where do I get the water then? Where's the water? How do I bring it from the water place to my mouth? What? How do I get water? I'm not even kidding. How does anyone get water? Is there a...

What collection method could you support? That 23andMe spit. I don't know. I don't know. Look, Liz Holmes is back. Great news. Holiday with the Kelseys. Does Liz Holmes need a ride home from prison? That's what Whitney wants to know. Dude, this is it. The best show on TV is the Manson audio. Like, this is it.

The brains of psychopaths, this is what we should all be studying because they own our blood. What Liz Holmes did with that company in her 20s, most girls do with a man. So good for her. I almost ended up in jail a couple of times trying to learn Spanish to fight with drug dealers. So good for her. You know, trying to collect blood from strangers. We love it. I'm just I'm just saying.

I mean, is Anna Wintour so different? Sorry. I can't. I can't. Okay. Well, I have much more to say, but we'll do it next week and we're going to figure out this. Okay. Hey, Liz Holmes, invent the thing that makes it so no one can ride elephants. Thanks.