IAN FIDANCE | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 267
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Hey everybody, come on out to the Big Baby Whitney Tour. It's gonna be amazing. By the time you see me, I'll probably have a new face. We are having so much fun on the ro- Oh my god, I'm living a nightmare. Come see me bear it all- Ow! This is- this is what I really have to sit in? To- to do this?

and Hawk Tua gets a chair and I get a baby thing. This is insane. I drove from West Hollywood to go into a ball pit. You mean you drove from a ball pit to a ball pit? I ended up, I mean, we should just film this last night when I was surrounded by about 30 of these.

on your chin. F*** you. F*** you. F***.

" here, Pat, for co-signing this. And I don't know your name, dog, but you're fine." - It was literally Pat's idea. I couldn't stop laughing. - This is nuts. - I was like, "Why don't we put him at a standing desk?" 'Cause you know, I went into an agency the other day, Rest In Peace agencies, and everyone was at a standing desk, and they were like, "Oh no, legally now, your employees have to be at a standing desk." - Nuh-uh. - 'Cause they can sue you later if they get damaged. And I was like, "Oh, wouldn't it be funny if we had guests and we just gave them a standing desk?" - "That'd be funny!"

This is not. How about this? We don't do guests anymore. Oh, what an honor. Well, I wish you still wouldn't do guests because I'd rather not be here. That actually was kind of comfortable. But God damn it. Hayley Welch is hocked to win in a chair. Kiki with wit.

And I'm here in a ball pit treating me like old baby Huey. It's nuts. I bought that ball pit. I don't have abs anymore. I bought that ball pit. I'm setting the timer. I bought the ball pit with Hawk to a coin. Really? Oh, did you also get shorted? This is a 20-minute hourglass, which, by the way, doesn't work. A guy I was dating who I truly thought we could be together gave me that as a gift. And said, this is your biological clock. What is that?

The time's a-tickin', bitch. Oops. What is the symbolism of a guy giving you an hourglass that's 20 minutes? You better come in 20 minutes or I'm quitting. There's so many things. Dude, before I **** a girl, I'm going to put that and go, all right, honey, let's hurry this up.

But he'll do it in like an old timey steampunk way. Sorry, sorry. Is this so good? I'm so, is this, she's a sweetie, right? I mean, she's, she is a Ridgeback Pitbull. The two most dangerous breeds. Still less dangerous than a cat. Still friendlier than a cat. You're so off base on that. You are so out of your element. And let me tell you, you haven't met my new cat, Glenn. Neither have you. What? The fuck? I got his name tattooed on me, Glenn. No.

Glenn. Well, wasn't isn't there one that you couldn't Samson? Here's what it is. All of my friends, you're different. And I'm sure that here's what I'll say. I think I'm realizing this. The people I know that have cats who attack them, scratch them or won't like engage with them. They have personalities. I just realized this.

You're awesome. So your cat, all my friends like, yeah, my cat, I can't even touch my cat. Oh, dude. I'm like, it's been four years. My guy sleeps on my chest. The other's on my lap. I wake up. They're cuddled with each other under my arm. It's amazing. Now admit the cats are good. Hold on. I can't admit the cats are good. I can't admit the cats are good. I like this. This is ammo. Open your mouth and laugh. It's like a clown at the fair. Open your mouth.

Oh my god. You're alright. Get this thing out of here. I mean, what romper room did I walk into? This is crazy. Pee-pee's Playhouse.

And I mean, how many drinks does one woman have to have? Do we see the lineup of drinks over here? Two square containers of water. Another sparkly Goku drink. Look, I'm a squirter, okay? I get dehydrated. What if that's what this ball pit was? You were like, ah!

I'm at the point where I'm like, if bad friends does numbers, we could just throw balls at each other for the next hour. Whoa, this is a good ab workout. I like it. So I'm into the new tattoos. Thanks. Okay. Which ones? I like the one of your cat.

I like how all your tattoos see I'm into the do you not like these fine line ones? I hate them. There's a new trend. These are these are big, bold, beautiful, bright colors. They've been around for for decades and decades. What's this one called? Seamen. Seamen cheating on wife.

style. What? What is the style of this tattoo? It's like sailor. This is American traditional. Is that what it's called? Yeah, I get it at R&D Tattoo in Queens, New York. I bet Vietnamese teenagers could tell me exactly what it is. What? Why are you talking to Vietnamese teens? I'm sorry.

- I feel like they saw a lot of them in the 70s. - Oh, well this, I got this. - Thanks Pat. - Got it. - Pat got me. - These, I gotta put some lotion. They're brand new. - Yeah, we need some serious lotion on that. It's giving me anxiety that you're tattooed. - Good. - Why don't you guys let your tattoos heal? - I do. I dry heal. I dry heal.

I'm a dry healer. That's what I do. But this guy's angry at me because it's in my elbow ditch. Okay. Whenever I hang out with Ian, I learn a new word I've never heard before, which makes no sense because we are from the same part of the United States of America. We should have the same exact... Like, what do you say for the... It's a thing you drink... Juice up. A thing you drink juice up. Oh, a juice box. Juice box. Capri Sun. I say sip up.

we're from the same place a sip up were you rich Delaware trash what's going on a sip up were you were you infantilized no I've never been a child I never got to be a child and then sit here you'll feel pretty what do you call a um a thing that you write with if you're a kid that's different colors crayon crown

No, that's fake. Crown? No. Crayon. What's a fizzy sugar drink? Soda. Okay, yeah.

And if you want Philly, call them a soda pop. Do you call them pop? No, that's a Midwest Midwest. Pat, is my double chin showing when I lay like this? No, the shirt's covering you. You're good. The shirt. Oh, so you admit I have a double chin. I wouldn't know. Take the hat off, you balding bitch. It covers your uncircumcised face. Hi, everybody.

Um, so Ian and I have entrenched emotionally, uh,

Can't get enough. Thank you for coming on tour with me. Did you have a good time? I had so much fun. It was amazing. Yeah. And Denver was great. We played the Paramount and then I played it this past weekend and people came out to the shows like I saw you open for Whitney. So that was like awesome. And I sold out Saturday. Come on, dude. It was like the best. The best weekend ever at Denver Comedy Works. It was so fun. Dude, Comedy Works is on.

honestly my it is like one of the only places I've ever performed and like stayed in the condo and been alone all weekend and not been like I need to end it like I love it I stayed in the condo with my opener Zach Townsend who's super funny and he heard me have a threesome and said it sounded like someone rolled dice and was in Jumanji whoopsies so how do you do a threesome in that altitude

A lot of water. A lot of water. How do you, do they know each other? The girls know each other. Guys, girls. Girls. My first girl, girl, guy, threesome, my first threesome with two girls.

Girl, girl, guy. Okay. So there was a guy? No. What? Was the guy. How dare you? I was the guy. The man. Explain this to me. What? How does this go down? Okay. You're talking to one and she drinks nine routines. What about her two? One's like, I have a bad back. I need her to spot me. They started...

making jokes about it and then they're so insecure they're like I know I can't satisfy you but between the two of us well they did a good yeah the two threesomes if a guy ever has sex with me and says you did a good job I will pinch you really

Good job. And you high five each other. Hey, that was great. Good job, dude. And you high five. When you do a threesome, do you take off your 12 rings on 10 fingers? That's when you know it's going down. I take off my rings and my eyes go black like wing of crow. Do you provide tetanus shots before the orgy? Or do you take the rings off? Well, I gotta admit, high altitude,

I've been heavy salt diet. Some of my rings couldn't come off. And I had to walk around like this for a minute to get the blood flowing, which may not have been that attractive. But they they were like joking about a threesome. I was like, you know, I've never had a two girl threesome. It's always been two guys. Girls usually just say no thanks. Well, no, they went, well, maybe tonight's different. I was like, is that how they talk?

No, but that's my girl voice. So here's what how I realized that I was in love with the guy that I'm with and that he's the person for me is because when I do impressions of him, I don't go. So this is how I knew I would like normally on stage or when I'm like, I'd be like, so my guy was like, hey,

- So my guy was like, "I don't want to!" - But when it's Chris, I'll make Chris is like, "So what do you want to do later?" And I'm like, I was like, "Whoa, I respect him." - I think I'll know when I'm in love, when I'm okay with rolling over in the morning and making me out. And like, I'm okay with morning breath. Or I'm not insecure about mine.

That's it. But, or, but hold on, but, but, but, I feel like if you love someone, you're kind of like, I don't want to, you know what I mean? Like, I'd be less insecure about it to someone that I'm like, I need to get this guy out of here. Good morning. You know? So Chris and I, every morning we go, good morning. And we, we, we talk in here. Where is the old Scallywag? Is he still asleep? He's down south right now. He had to clean up his wood shop. Yeah.

Classic fella. I know. Like, man, **** it. I don't think I've ever dated a truly straight guy. He's like, I gotta go clean up the wood shop so it passes fire inspection. Oh, you're like, don't shower. I want you to ****.

You have wood chips in your pubes. Yeah. He like knows how machines work. I don't know. So yeah, for the first like 30 minutes in the morning, it's like our little bit. We'll be like, what are you doing today? Oh, that's fun. Yeah, so that we don't breathe like nasty. You know you're supposed to brush your teeth before you eat anything because otherwise all the bacteria in your mouth will go in your stomach. Really? Uh-oh. I know. Ooh!

I didn't brush my teeth today. Okay, so they're like, maybe tonight's the night. And you're like, man. Well, I told them I cucked a guy down in D.C. And like, how'd that work? And I was there. Like, did you tell? Did you like over in D.C.?

Huh? Down in D.C. Over. No. If you're in Denver, D.C.'s over. No, but I'm always in New York in my heart. See, this is something which someone's telling an interesting threesome story and all I can go is like, that would be over. Not down. Like, I can't. This is the autism. Neuralize the autism, okay? Like, let me interrupt this hilarious, riveting story with like, above, about, across, after, against, among, around, at. What is that? Before, behind, beside, between, beyond, by, down, and during, except for.

- You don't know this MXPX song? - No, it's like all the... - All the positions in the last threesome you had.

- Pat, coming in hot. - Dude, Pat is funnier than anybody. - Wow, Pat. - I know. - That was amazing. - See what happens when you let white men talk in Hollywood? - Oh, see? - The content gets better. - We gotta bring it back. - Yeah. - You know? I'm available for punch-ups. - So you were like, let's go. - Oh, well they were like, how'd that work? And I go, why, I wouldn't let the guy her. I was like, why'd you be a chick like a real man? And they were like, aw.

And they were like, would you tell us what to do? I'm like, yeah. I mean, how else are you going to get things done? I'm sorry. I didn't even know what. OK, so I didn't know. I kind of know what it is, but let's be honest. So, you know, those things that like everyone knows what it means and you have to kind of pretend you know what it means. And then you realize like three years later, you've never like meta. I still feel like with the with the phrase anti-racism.

You're anti-racist? Oh, yeah. I was making a joke. Oh, God damn it. You know, this ball pits. By the way, I actually am confused about that. So that's the word. I'm anti-racist. So you're against racism. Shouldn't that just be I'm a good person? Yeah. Yeah. I don't. I guess I think the idea is that as whites, our default setting is racist. So you have to be anti-racist.

Whereas I say just accept me as I am. I would say act it. Oh, whoa. How do you not like cats when you have cat-like reflexes? I don't like looking in a mirror. Hold on, I have to drink. Can you help pull me up? Puppies.

I think anyone who's like, I'm not crazy. You're like, oh, that's the you're the craziest person. I'm crazy, but not I'm not insane. War zone. Don't forget the struggle. Don't forget the streets. If you're going to go, I'm anti-racist because I'm internalized racism or whatever, just

Just go, yeah, I'm probably racist and I need to fix it. Yeah. But being like, I say the first part, but I don't say the second. I don't like a buzzword when it comes to racism. I'm anti-racist. Speaking of buzz, to infinity and beyond.

I love how we can go from like, like threesome cuck to like dad joke. Disney dad joke. Yeah. Seamlessly. Yes. So cuck is when you have sex with another man's wife. Okay. But why is it called that? Why isn't it called like they're cheating together? I don't know. You know what I mean? I don't know where they still together. Do you follow up with them and be like, hey, you guys still together? Well, the couple.

The couple that I cucked. I love that you had to take that off. Well, I need to get serious. The couple that I cucked, what was wild about that is we finished and... She finished. I made sure she finished. Come on now. Get out of here. No way. Way. I don't think I would be able to finish in front of my husband with... Well, then she lied and I accepted it. Okay.

And so we we finished and he didn't. And what does that mean? He's just watching. Yeah, he's just watching, pulling his limp. Crying. Yeah, he really was like not into it. And she kind of made him. And then when we went to their place, dude, it was like weird, man. I rode in their car. They had a kid seat. I was like, oh, do you guys have a kid? She's like, that's not mine. It's his. She's like, yeah, he had a kid a while ago. If you don't know, he's old. And he was like, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. No. Oh, no. I know. But you pushed through. Like Hillary, she persisted. So we get to their apartment, and they have a cat named Gizmo. Oh, wait, apartment? Yeah, this is down in D.C. Okay. Oh, it was across in D.C. I'm...

Huh? Huh? What? Across the river and through the woods. Up, down, left, right, B, B, start. So we, we, oh, we're at their apartment and they're, everyone's pussyfooting around. I'm like, all right, why don't you guys go in the bedroom and you guys, you know, get comfortable and I'll come in in like 10 minutes. But you keep checking in being like, still cool? Still cool? With her, because with women consent is king.

But with guys, we're just, you know, that ain't my problem though. But is there like a, still cool with this? That maybe this was like a cute idea at the club right after I was on when the Molly hadn't worn off. Well, I asked her when he went to the bathroom, I was like, is this cause she was pushing for it. And I was like, is this all right? Like also I'm not going to fuck him. And she was like, no, no, no, no.

We've talked about it. I really want to do it. He wants to support me and he's okay with it. And I was like, do we know someone's on birth control? Do we know you don't? I wore a condom. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's so weird to me. Oh, is it kid in their fifties? Pat, you are fired. The holidays.

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When I'm with a stranger, I'm going to use a condom. Uh-huh. I think that's a... Doesn't that take some of the... Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, so... I couldn't come. I can't come. So this is more psychological. So I had to whack it off.

So then you take the condom off and then finish. Or you go, I came. And they go, let me see how much. And you go, I'm old. No. And then you run away, take it off and go, I can't keep going. Are gals out there being like, let me see how much? Some of them. I've never been like, let me see how much. Some girls like condoms.

No, I, it's, well, I, I like it so much. It's in my belly. I'm not like, let me see the proof. Like what? I want to see if these Kegels are paying off. Like, why do you need to see? Well, you know, I, I, we both went.

And then they were doing aftercare in bed. What's aftercare? Aftercare is after you have sex, you talk about it, you kiss and you, you, you like decompress basically. Or like aftercare, aftercare could be me cuddling you. Texting, getting on Instagram and looking at negative comments. Aftercare, aftercare for me is going into the bathroom and going, you're living a lie. You're living a lie. Just be yourself.

After Care for me is getting online and going, did Jezelnik talk about me on Marin? It's getting on my 19 comedian text chains and sending like conspiracy theory links about the Clintons and the chef. Oh, you must be going wild about this CEO thing. I'm actually kind of not. I don't I don't know that I was literally trying to catch up on it last night. Well, I'm just glad Italians are relevant again. I'm just happy about that. But what is that? Because is there a conspiracy theory about it that it's?

It's so funny to me that our default setting now is everything's fake. This happened like six months ago, I feel like, where it was like it used to be like default is that's true. That now is like that's fake. Remember, Trump got shot. We're like fake.

People were like, yeah. Tell it to the guy whose head got exploded. Yeah, wait, hold on. So fake? Like, but you think democracy is real? I mean, it's like weird the things we think are real and fake. But people are like, someone got shot in New York, fake. It's like someone's dead. It's fake that there was a shooter at the Trump thing. Two people are dead, dude. Yeah. Yeah, it's unfortunate. But, okay, keep going. So... So we, well, down in D.C., I...

So I was like, what the fuck just happened? And I was kind of like frazzled. So I gathered my stuff and went to the bathroom.

And when I was going to the bathroom, like, do you need it fun? Or is it more like the taboo of it? Like what it was, it was fun for a minute, but you know, I'm always like, I really do want to settle down. But then I get into these rapscallion situations and I'm like, Oh boy. Like, like the threesome the other night, I'm having sex and I'm like fingering this girl. And I'm like, God, I wish I had a family. And then, Oh, thanks. And then,

um the the one pops her boob in my mouth and i'm like actually this is pretty all right hold on hold on i'm realizing i've never had sex not one time so pops her boob in your mouth yeah like just like oh okay because they were made one was laying down and they were the girls making out with her perpendicular and so they're together they're a couple they're just friends

You know how friends do? No, that's not friendship. That's not friends. Hang out with your friends. Friends is, I need to ride to the airport. Can we talk about my breakup? It's not like, let's go f*** this comic who wants a family. Let's go stop this man from having a real life with our rigmarole. I've never dated a guy. And I'm kind of... I might... I'd recommend it. I might...

I might give myself over to sin. Dating a guy. Is that sin? No, I'm kidding. I mean, the woman is the one that ate the app, made him eat the app. Are women the sinful ones? Women came from our rib and we don't get enough credit for that. The McRib. We're white trash. It was a McRib. That's funny. Well, I went on a date with a guy I've seen in the past and it was like so fun. You just like rip cigarettes, listen to Steely Dan and play video games.

It's great. Why not do that? And then you can adopt a kid. I know how much adoption agencies want to give children to. Because I don't want a kid with an arm hanging off their forehead. It's like, what's it was a guy going to do to get a normal kid? But like, OK, OK, OK. Dating guys is really fun. Really? Yeah.

Dating girls is a lot of work. Well, I've always dated women. I'm just so afraid I'm going to be, you know. Is that why you think like dating trans women is also feels like a little bit like like not like a Miley Cyrus song. It's the best of both worlds. There you go. But hold on. So dating this guy, why aren't you now?

Because I don't think I want to be in a relationship with anyone, but I do. Why not? What kind of sentence is that? Well, because I'm selfish and I don't want accountability and I don't want to have to check in with someone every night. And find someone who's into that. I guess certainly I could. Me, me up until two years ago. I mean, I was dating a guy that would give me hourglasses. Like, you know what I mean? There are people that are fine with that, that it won't be a problem for. Well, I guess maybe that's kind of what I'm looking for. But in the meantime, I don't want to date anyone.

and not be open about that. So I guess. Can I just, can I? You may. You and Jordan, who I love. She's the best. You guys have these like fake rules about how you should live.

that are like self-limiting beliefs that are like, I don't want this and I don't want and I need this and I'm this person and I'm selfish. You're not selfish. You're my friend. I know you're not selfish. You're not selfish. When we are with someone we're not into, we're selfish. We're noncommittal. We're annoyed.

I was all those things too. And then I meet this guy and all of a sudden I'm not selfish. I'm not afraid of intimacy. I'm not avoid it. I'm not toxic. I'm not annoying. I'll make a coffee for a guy. Like, you know what I mean? I all of a sudden like to cook. What? I all of a sudden I'm like, I want your babies. Like, I don't think it's a, it's not about you. It's about you.

You're right. Hand the other person together. You know, you're like, it's like, oh, my girlfriends were like, you know what? I just need to date like an arc. And you're like, what? That's so funny. Like, no, what? How did you? Yeah, maybe that's what it is. What straight to DVD Kate Hudson movie are you? You need to date a job. We have all these beliefs about. I think I just want to live out my best friend's wedding.

Do that. But like, just go. I don't know what I need. I would like to meet the person that brings out the best in me. Yes. You're so committed to the fact that you think you're like an a**hole. You think you're selfish. You think we're like, but the right person, you're not going to want to be those. Well, I'm in therapy and I'm working on compassion for myself. And when the guy, what? A lot of therapists are con artists and a lot of therapists. What do you mean that's my problem? Why are you? What? Oh my God.

That's incredible. Gotcha. Why? I'm just saying, you need to stop thinking about yourself so much. Yeah, I got to stop reading myself like the Torah. Yeah, stop. And just obsessing. You're right. You're right. You're right. Therapy, all you do is talk about me, me, me. That's what's selfish. I'm just talking about me, me, me and all my problems. You don't really have any problems except the fact that you smoke. You don't really have any problems. Go to... That's why I just do free therapy, 12-step meetings, just to give service to other people. I know. That's why I got to leave here and go to one. I know. But I just...

I know where you are because I've been there. This like over obsessing about everything that's wrong with me and like I'm broken and I can't like, yeah, you can if it's the right person. Hmm. You're selfish when the people are annoying and not worth giving up. Who knew I just had to allow myself to put on the dress as a part of the emasculation ritual in Hollywood by laying in this

tub of balls to find out the truth. Wow. I am just saying, I love that men are like, there are emasculation rituals where we have to wear dresses. Oh, yeah. Women just like get raped. What? Jesus, Whitney. Yeah, like women are just like, oh, yeah, I just had to like...

carving white seeds. Like, I had to wear a skirt. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't even get to wear the skirt. I mean, look, I keep getting turned down on auditions. I'll wear a skirt and get raped. You know what else I think? And I think that I'm getting... Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh.

I hate your guts. What'd you say? I said I hate your guts. Oh, I thought you said you have two cats. I was like, you're right. I guess I also just think I'm working on this myself. So obviously I'm projecting, which is like,

We don't have to be crazy to be funny and successful. And I feel like you are getting so success. You're in that place right now where you're getting successful and you might be having that thing where you're like, I got to make sure I'm still crazy. I got to make sure my life is still hard. Oh, I'm, I'm trying to work on getting rid of that and focusing and centering. And I've been really like focusing and praying and speaking to, you know,

to ask not for outcomes, but to accept whatever outcome is I'm receiving, whether I get something or I don't to accept it rather than like, I wish I wish, you know, can we do something kind of uncomfortable? Oh boy. Here we go. What? Talk to your dead father on camera. No. What, what, what, what, what is it? As if I'm not already uncomfortable. What? Go ahead.

Go ahead. I think we should pray together. Aren't you a crazy person? I'm not praying on camera. I think we should just say what our prayer is. I'll say the Our Father, but I'm not praying. But yours is dead. I mean, both of our fathers are dead. Why are we bringing fathers into this? Already sad. No, I just mean like I have been praying a lot lately and it always starts with like, Dear God. I know it's been a while.

You sound like me trying to hook up with someone from 10 years ago. Hey, Brandon. I know it's been a while. I do, too.

I'm like, sorry. Just wondering if you're still there. It's literally like you up. Like I'm there. Like things have been crazy. Like I have to like explain why I haven't prayed for like you. I mean, you know, I'll literally be like, you know, because dad was I mean, you know, but like like I have such a weird, shameful thing when I start praying. It's so. Yeah, I used to. Yeah, I do. I forgive you. You forgive me. I forgive myself is a big one.

which is a meta practice. I do that and I go through all the people in my life that I resentments with and I say them all. I had to do Audrey Hepburn the other day. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? Yeah. You prayed to Audrey Hepburn? No, it's a way of releasing resentments. You're 10 step. You had a resentment against Audrey Hepburn? Oh, I had to do it to crypto. I've had to do it to a lot of things. You've never had to release resentments around things? No.

Oh, dude. I don't think so. Oh, yeah. I had to release resentments around people. And then I had I realized how much like self-righteous indignation and resentment I had towards like

Accutane I had to shut up I mean it did really work but also I feel like it left them work mentally amazing whoa yeah things things we forget that like we have anger towards things you know do a forgiveness on myself thing and then serenity prayer I'll do but I'll be like God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can in the wisdom no difference but what are they just show me

What are they? What can I can't? I will talk myself into what I can change and what I can't. Right. But I think you can you can substitute things for that. Like if it's a situation like grabbing the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, my partner changes things I can, my feelings towards this and the wisdom to know the difference between the two. I kind of add. You don't think you could change your partner? Loser.

Not trying hard enough. You can change yourself. Yeah. You can change yourself and your thinking and your actions. I know, but if you change yourself, often your partner will change a little bit. Life hack. Whoa. Dang. Look at that. Ow. No, I didn't mean to. I love that. I love that. I just think therapy is like helpful to an extent, but then you're kind of just like, I am just, we think about ourselves so much. A lot of them are charlatans. Yeah.

That's correct. But I have, I have like, I'm really, really mean to myself. And also not on, not always on purpose. Like, I don't think they're going in like, I'm going to keep this person sick. I think they're just like, well, I'm pretty mean to myself and I'm, I'm, I feel like I have like compassion and understanding for everyone else but me. And then I, in talking about, you know, my childhood and stuff like that, he, and the anger that comes out, uh,

And then the anger that I direct inward, it's just good to talk about it and have someone go, hey, can I just stop you right there? And that's like a pretty mean thing to say to you. And then I'm like, I guess it is. And then when he's like, find compassion, I'm like, no, that's feeling because I conflate compassion for myself with feeling sorry for myself. And I what is the difference? I mean, I know that feeling sorry for myself feels really good.

Oh, um, and I get in that sometimes, but I don't intentionally go, Oh, it's so hard. But I think I isolate and just obsess about how I'm, I'm not,

good enough for this or that, which in a way is feeling sorry for myself. Good enough for what or who? For anyone or anything or why I'm not getting this or why I'm not further or why I should have been there for a friend years ago. I did not get to do a roast at the Trump rally. Yeah.

Yeah. Don't think I didn't think that. I was like, I could like, why did they ask me? That's so funny. I would have been perfect. Would you have said yes? Yeah. Really? Of course. You would have gotten so much more. I bet. Oh, really? I don't even, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe. Really? Yeah. I don't care. I just, yeah, I don't.

I would have loved to. I would think that I would live in a world that if I were to do that, I would roast him and the people he's involved in as well as the other people and then not endorse. You know what I mean? Sure. That was my whole thing on it. Like, dude, he did what he was supposed to do. He got hired to be a vicious roaster. Tony is my friend, dear friend. I just am obsessed with the fact that his character

like roast that Trump rally was the most disastrous Trump rally. And there was one where Trump got shot in the head. That's so funny. There was one where two people died and

And his was the most disastrous. It was so bad. So funny. Like literally we had to hear Jennifer Lopez give a speech about it. It just got worse and worse. And then do you remember when Trump pretended not to know? He goes, I don't know this guy. Trump pretended not to know Tony Hinchcliffe when he publicly says Jeffrey Epstein was a good friend. Oh,

Like he, no, no, he literally, when Ghislaine Maxwell went to prison. It's Ghislaine? Ghislaine. I thought it was just Lane. Maybe it is.

I don't know. What did she say when she left voicemail messages for you? Did she say, G-Lane? Call me back immediately. I got new gals. And they're waiting. It was just like, he literally said, I wish G-Lane well. She's a good person. And pretended not to know Tony. Because he was friends with them. Oh, yeah, you're right. Like, he literally, like, sucked some s***.

and then Trump pretended not to know him after. That's so funny. Now he knows what it's like to be a Miss USA contestant. Now he knows what it's like to be on a show. Now, welcome to Hollywood, baby. Yeah.

Yeah.

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They didn't write that. I did. That was me. What's one thing that you wish you knew starting your pregnancy journey? I get asked that a lot. And honestly, it was how important the right like nutrients, like the multivitamin search. It's it's worse than online dating to try to find nutrients.

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Do you want to hear my jelly roll roast jokes? Yeah, I remember I was with you when you got it. Yeah, when I started telling him. Are they going to air that? Or was that like a private thing? They might. I don't know. I'm not sure. I got invited to go down there and I didn't go. Why did you go? That would have been such a quick flight. It was so fun. It was so fun. I'm going to read some because people keep asking. Can I just adjust this?

You can also get a chair. I mean, this wasn't supposed to get a chair. I don't see one in this room. This wasn't supposed to keep going. Is that some sort of riddle I'm supposed to keep going? Oh my God. That's what you look like. What? Huh? This? Your face next to Mae West. Is this another old timey actress you have a resentment against?

I mean, dude, Pat, I brought in her Casper mattress, by the way. It was in the fucking mail thing by the gate and I'm pushing it down the hill. Oh, hey, how you doing? She's like laying in the ball pit, queer. You look like Mae West. What is this? Oh, do you want my sex robot? That could be a good way for you. Pat, would you mind grabbing her?

I feel like that'd be a good way for you to face. Is that a good thing for you? If you want to take a little break.

You know what I mean? Or have like healthy threesomes where you can foster intimacy with a man or woman, but not involve another person who could sue you or cancel you or go on Twitter one day because they had hard times and got fired by Chipotle and like need some cash fast. They're going to be like, Ian took advantage of barking up the wrong tree. I just mean like maybe a sex robot. I high five after sex. The robot can do that. So that means we have we everything's good. Yeah. I mean, and I didn't writing. We high fived after.

I just, I just get worried. I like making friends everywhere I go. I get worried. If you have sex with me with a condom, you are not my friend. Okay? My UTI results beg to differ. Is this a sex robot that looks like you? Not anymore. I mean, it was made six years ago. So she's like the younger version of me with Bell's palsy. And you have it here? Well, yeah. I mean, she's, she, you know, she can be in the... What?

The f*** is this? Why is she wearing a sack, a burlap sack? She's already giving me a handjob. I like this Whitney. She doesn't talk.

This is a good Whitney. Oh, God, her head fell off. Oh, my God. She's RoboCop. She's got RoboCop. Get this thing off me, Pat. What the hell have you put me into? Get this away from me. I'm with a headless Whitney. Oh, my God. Now I know what it's like to be married to Whitney. Headless. By the way, also, look at this.

Sorry, I didn't even notice. God, her body's so heavy. Can you lose weight with me? This is out of control. Oh, look, she's me. Hey. Oh, yeah, high five her. Dude, is this AI? Her fingers are messed up. Dude, this is out of control. Don't you think this maybe would be a good, like,

Yeah, tell me how this would be a good thing for me while you reattach its head and it's got a hook in its back. Okay, so... I mean, people have sex with these? Yeah. Nuh-uh. She can actually talk. I'm not Asian into anime. I don't think I would like this. Can you show her nipple? Does she have good boobs? Oh, you're putting her ass on me. Come here, mama. Okay.

See, this is like the threesome. I was like... God, her head. This woman. No, don't show her. This is crazy. The most popular nipples down at the sex robot factory is bigger than the boob and big nipples. I never thought guys were into bigger nipples, but they are, according to the sex robot. Interesting.

Don't you think this could be a good way to take some time off of sex with strangers? I mean, she's got a... Is it good? How's her...

Here's the thing. I have not touched it because once you build your own sex robot and spend a lot of time with it, you do start to anthropomorphize and she feels like my kid or something. Wait, were you in the like lab being like, hey, make her face more. I mean, tell me you haven't seen my specials. Tell me you haven't seen my specials. But yes, I went down to the factory for two years almost. It's not against you. I don't watch stand up. Hold on. That

That's smart. Well, it wasn't really stand-up. Oh my god, this is wild. I mean, barely. She doesn't have a head, Whitney. As soon as she talks, she stops being a sex robot because your d*** just gets soft right away. I mean, she's got a vagina. She's hurting my shoulder.

I mean, she's a heavy gal. That's the hardest part about them is they're kind of... Oh, don't pull her head off again. Ow! Ow! She's already hurting me. Hey, Ian, how did you get a concussion? Hi, everybody. Welcome back to... Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Oh, there we go. Oh, my Lord. Hold on, Chris.

What is my life? What is my... Perfect. Thanks, RoboCop. Oh, she's got nice ears. RoboCop! Oh, no! Face off! Oh, God! Hello, Claudice. Hello, Claudice. Father means a Chianti. Oh, God!

Get it away. Get it away. I feel like I'm going to f*** the Terminator. This is crazy. She can't put her dick in her mouth. Okay, well, okay, well...

Sorry, I'm pulling your disease. Come on. This is out of control. Let me just suck these out. Where's her face? Okay. Okay.

Where are my glasses? Oh, you have them. Oh my god. Here's what you need to do with your life. With Whitney Cummings. Oh my god.

You know, can I get another drink? I don't have enough. One drink, two, little three, little drink, drink. What's a drink? I only drink coffee. I only drink f***ing juice. Do you like roast? I love roasting. Let me read my own jokes on my own podcast. Okay, well, why don't I go on someone else's podcast and say a bunch of shit that's going to get it out of the algorithm. I'm just going to say,

I'm turning into this ex-robot because I only care about algorithm. Algorithm. Algorithm. Algor has rhythm. Rhythm. Rhythm. Rhythm and blues. Blues. Sad. Sadness. Feeling. Sad. Shedding. Ow, that hit my real eyeball. Here, I'll be like, oh, you throw rhythm stuff. I can't see. My face is falling off. What's happening? Oh, my God.

Wait, you look sick with long hair. Oh, this was... Oh, that one looks heavy. Dude, this is fun. The reflexes. Now you get to be a cat. Meow!

This is Hey YouTube This is what You've made comedy become This is This is This is what you've wanted All along I mean this is wild man It's even my ear Yeah You know How are you

What about this, Samian? You know, I've really... I'm f***ing a girl that looks like me with a girl who looks like you. And I think... Anyway, Whitney, what were you saying? See if it looks like my face at all. I can't see a thing. Maybe...

wouldn't it be funny oh my god oh my god wouldn't it be funny if the cameras weren't on and we were just in an insane asylum

There's something kind of therapeutic. Oh, dude, that is jarring. Why? Somehow you look like Dennis Hopper in speed. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Stop. I can't look. I can't look. I can't look. Let me put on this. Oh, that's I have shirts for you. Yeah, this is great. I love this. Get it on the bad body tour.

Bad Bobby. What is it? Big Baby. Bad Bobby? Bab Bobby. No, that's that's that. Isn't that that rap rapper, Daniela Bregoli? Oh, stop doing the lip. Good God. Would you be able to put your dick? Oh, my God. Let's find out right after this. Dude, what if you got a blowjob from someone wearing that mask? I bet you could do it. I bet.

I bet I could. I don't know. Because when there was something nice about not knowing who was under the... Yeah, it's called a glory hole. I've done that before. What if every time you hooked up with a girl in another city, you asked them to wear this mask? Dude, I have a buddy who carries a fake belly button ring on. He's like, would you mind wearing this? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. What? Uh-huh. And he's also balding, so he has a toupee. And he's like, if you want me to wear more hair, I will. Wait, no. Yeah. No. J.J. Lieberman. Check him out. It's crazy. I love that I'm like, that's the thing. We need to cut that out from this episode. We need to cut that out. You look like Nicolas Cage in Long Legs. In every movie? Long Legs. Are you fingering yourself? You are just the...

I just do. If I take my glasses off, this isn't that bad. But I put them on and it is jarring. I'm just curious. Oh, God. There it is. There it is. I do think you should. Only one person has ever touched her vagina. Really? Chelsea Lynn. Wow. But a guy has not given me feedback on it. Really? Yeah.

Well, I don't think a guy is either today. I don't think that's in the cards. I don't think you're going to play with a fake vagina on YouTube. Unless you go look at my special Wild Happy.

Unless you subscribe to my Patreon. Then I'll do whatever you want. At least we all know what you're going to share about in that AA meeting you're on the way to. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just came from a fever dream nightmare. And I didn't drink. I also think we need to redo the podcast. Because it's just like... What?

This? This is so fun. It's like me with the food. It's all on me. And I love how you're like, we need to stop obsessing about ourselves. And you're literally wearing a fake you face next to a fake you with a doll of you surrounded by big ones of you. Holy, the call is coming from inside the house. Good God almighty. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. Me again. What are you, a liberal during COVID? Do as I say, not as I do? A scrapbook of just me. Oh, dude, that's amazing. I didn't make this, though. No, but you kept it.

hoping someone would ask about it put it on ebay no takers god i would i kind of want one of these the lips are like so colorful yeah no it was custom they they they cast my face crazy tons of times and then they make a custom face for you a bunch of people try to buy it so i don't want to brag really how much would you sell one of these for uh 50 cents

I'll pay you to take this thing out of my house. It's a nightmare. This is like would be the updated shining like this would be Danny like. Oh, don't stretch your mouth out too much. Oh, shit. I'm making her the Joker. Her mouth just. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to to cut the thing that you keep in a closet and you've never used. I'm so sorry. I truly didn't mean to.

I'm really, really sorry. She's been through a lot today. We'll review the tape and see when exactly it happened. I've never let you touch her vagina after what you just did to her mouth. Oh, I'm sorry, dude. It's OK. I have a guy who can sew it up. Oh, dude, I'm so sorry. Take it to Bobby Lee and have him give it to his mom. She'll know what to do. Here, take it back. I thought it was done with because her face fell off. I'm sorry. Here, take your face.

I'm so sorry. Damn it, man. I'm so sorry. Oh, it's a shame. I got to leave this house of horrors. I love that I got to be here for the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This is incredible. Oh my God. You just need a chainsaw and some inbred cousin. I'm like, oh, this is great. Ladies and gentlemen.

Can I say this is my favorite podcast I've ever done? This is like the most fun I've ever had. This has been amazing. Last time you got left with a thousand bucks. This time you left with a thousand nightmares. Yeah.

That's incredible. Catch Ian on YouTube. Wild, young, wild and free. Wild, happy and free. Wild, happy and free. Check me out on the road, ianfinance.com. I hope you'll come do some more dates with me if they don't conflict with your dates. That'd be so fun. I had so much fun with you. You're way too big to do it, but you just want to for fun. You're very sweet. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good time. I really had fun in fucking Vegas.

And the Wilbur looked awesome with you and Grace. So circle the box. There's something going on with your lip that looks like a tongue in that face.

touch being ian with jordan which by the way is my boyfriend's favorite podcast oh that's the best dude is it i will that's cool he'll be dying laughing and i'm like what do you do and he's watching being ian with jordan i love that that's amazing that's your after character exactly no 100 he loves it so much um

I love how me and the mask of you both have the same hairline. Also, by the way, as I said earlier, do not go to therapy. You don't need it. It's not necessary. Therapy is just you obsessing over yourself. Okay. People don't. Okay. Just go to meetings and get it.

A doll of yourself. Yeah. That you'd use as a, what is it? Or what are the things you put little pins in? Voodoo doll. Voodoo doll. Yeah. That's perfect. I'm like, you was a goo goo doll. And you're an ew ew doll. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Bye. Say don't ride elephants. Huh? Say don't ride elephants. Don't ride elephants. Bye. Bye.

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