Inauguration, Melania, TikTok Ban, GoldDiggers | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 273
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- Action! - Pat, thank you for yelling action. Last time we recorded the podcast, there's no microphone in front of me. - Oh yeah, we got a mic up. Hold on a second. - Whoa. - We are way out of line. - But wait, how did it sound before? Was it better? - I was just hearing you off mic and I was like, oh, maybe I should toggle over the mic input

Toggle never. Oh, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat. I will call human resources if you ever say toggle again in my presence. Toggle? I'm toggling buttons all day. What does that even mean? You mean pressing them? Like there's an option of a button like which this mic or that mic. You mean choosing which button? Like what are these new, I'm not taking on new words. I can choose without toggling. Choosing is like a mental state. But what's the synonym for toggle? We used to do this segment on the podcast. Switch.

So what's wrong with switch? Why not switch? Toggle, like, okay. Pat, you know that I can't let shit slide like this. When did you start using the new word? Do you know what I mean? Oh, shit. Probably playing video games when I was a kid. Oh, so this has been a word that's been around. Oh, yeah. Ever since somebody created a button that selects something. Oh, I just don't hang out with dorks.

Not enough dorks. I think I have plenty of dorks. I do hang out with only dorks. But they know not to use the word toggle around me because they know that this is my week. I guess this is my thing now. You know, I'm a dog with a bone. I'm obsessed with... Because here's the thing. You just threw a new word at me that is actually pretty useful, has a purpose. Now I'm going to have to try it out.

And I'm obsessed with the first time you're trying out a new word. You're not super confident because you've never done it before. So I'll be like, hey, so if you just I'm going to toggle back and forth and I'm going to be like, did that did I pull that off? Like, was that right? Like, I'm going to like, you know what I'm saying? Like when you're trying out a new word is so funny to me. Like the first time someone was like, yeah, that's so brat.

Did I get it? Yeah, but that's new. I'm bad with the new stuff, too. I can't do new... Toggle's new to me. I mean, it's pretty new to me. So...

I'm going to take it for a spin. Can you toggle pages? Or can it only be buttons? Can you toggle boyfriends? Can you toggle girlfriends? Oh, you could toggle boyfriends for sure. It's really about whether something is turned on or off or selected or not selected. So you can toggle boyfriends big time. Okay.

All right. We used to do word of the day on this podcast. Every time I do a Q&A, people ask to bring it back. So we just did it by accident. Look at us toggle to switch back and forth, preferably a button. Synonym is switch. Can you say like her ass is toggling?

No. Oh. I mean, well... I mean, you can. That would be an update. Yeah, you could refresh the meaning. That seems to be what all new slang is on the internet anyway. It's somebody...

finding like a weird word like toggle and just applying it to something like a butt walking down the street. Playing on the internet. Pat, you toggle back and forth from the coolest person I know to the dorkiest person I know. Seamlessly. But that's why I'm the coolest person. That's kind of true. The coolest people are don't, they don't pay. It's so punk rock to be like, I'm a loser now. I'm the coolest. Like you, you deal with that. I will pick.

Also, I feel like there's words I've retired as well. Like as obsessed I am with taking on a new word and how to incorporate it authentically without being a complete tool. Like I'm retiring a couple words like that just never hit.

They never hit. They just make you seem like you're trying to be superior. I just have to let it slide. I guess I just have to let shit slide. And that brings me to a thought I had right before the podcast, which was getting messages from people saying like, oh, my God, you doing this like solo. I mean, I'm not solo. I have Pat. I have all my personalities. Sometimes my boyfriend is here, whatever. They're like, this is so much better because it's so stressful. People were like, it's so stressful to watch you.

like confuse a guest by like being stuck on something for so long or blowing past something huge. Like someone put it perfectly. And I think they're right. They were like, your personality is just too overpowering for a guest. And I was like, Whoa, like I know that's an insult, like fair. I know you're saying I'm a lot or that I'm not, but I don't think that,

the kind of things I want to talk about interest literally anyone. And then when I have a guest on, you know, I always want to go into like some craziness, you know, like the moon landing, let's talk about the footage and then we'll talk about it for an hour. And I'm like, that was great. And then they'll be like, Hey, you have to cut that. Like I can't,

like I can't be I can't be on YouTube talking about the moon landing you know and I'm like I thought that went great and then we have like 20 minutes that we can actually use just being like hey so talk to me about how you became an actor like you know so um anyway everybody who's enjoying the uh solo podcast thank you and you are mentally ill um I know this is wild still getting the hang of

the next phase of doing this podcast whatever I'm going to shut my mouth um I am trying to get out of California I don't think they will let me um I have Stockholm syndrome with Gavin Newsom with LA County I am in you know is there a way to leave California Pat like can you um like can I give them my son in exchange like what how do you leave California does anyone know

They really get you on the way out, I'm sure. No, I don't. There's no way out. What way out? Yeah. I'm like the kids. You can abandon everything. I'm like the soccer team in Thailand. You can't get out. They don't let you leave. It's Hotel California. Is that what they call it? Hotel California? I think so. The whole state? Let's talk about something important. Something I'm obsessed with. And you know that I never have the normal take on anything. The TikTok ban. I know what you think I'm going to think.

I know what you think I'm gonna think. And I think you're wrong, okay? I'm toggling to a different personality that you think I am going to have this episode.

I am seeing people that are defending the TikTok ban, which, by the way, the ban has been overturned. TikTok is back. Yes, it's not. It's weirder. And like, obviously, it's algorithm driven still, whatever. But TikTok ban went away, came back. We saw a level of mental illness never before seen in the history of our species, of this country. And watching people pretend that they that...

that surveillance is why they want it to be banned on their high horse. They're like, TikTok surveils us. That's not why. That's not why you're not on TikTok. That's not why you're not doing a lot of TikTok videos.

It's because you have nothing to say or share or contribute. And you're going, oh, I don't want all the surveillance. Okay, well, I went to your page and you weren't getting any likes and you have pretty much no followers, even though you post six times a day. But yeah, okay. You want TikTok to go away because surveillance? It kind of seems like you would like more people to

to surveil your page. Seems like you're not getting enough surveillance from eyeballs, so now you're worried about the surveillance from where? Here's what a lot of people don't realize.

a lot of people make money on TikTok. Okay, there's no jobs anymore. And you want to just take the few that are available to someone where they can work from home. I see so many women on TikTok who would probably be putting themselves in danger on the daily as prostitutes if it were not for TikTok. I'm not supposed to say prostitute. I'm supposed to say sex worker. Is that the new term, Pat? Sex worker? I don't know. I just feel like all sexes work. So it's, I'll call it what, fine.

If you don't like TikTok, that's okay. But other people, they sell their crystals on there and their dresses that you can wear 500 ways and their makeup and the fake wrinkle cream or whatever their side hustle is. And you just want it to be shut down, right? Because you didn't figure it out. You didn't make it work for you. You have a trust fund. Fine. You don't have to work. People have to work. TikTok is basically a mall at this point, right? Where women do their, you know what I mean?

It's a ball. Like, you know how, how you go to the mall. I used to do this at Bloomingdale's hold perfume. Do you want to try the perfume? Do you want to try the perfume? That's this now. I don't have any nails on my nails. I bit them off, but it's the same thing. They're tight. Wait, it's that, is it that bad? Or how do you tap it?

That's my thing. They're tapping their little jewelry boxes. What is the problem? Why can't you let people sell their jewelry, right? It's QVC based. We used to have QVC. No one was trying to shut down QVC, right? It's just TikTok's a store at this point. This would be like shutting down the mall.

And your excuse being is because there's surveillance cameras in the mall. And when I go shopping, the person takes my data and my credit card. And when I go in the store, they're filming me. There's surveillance in every situation you've ever bought anything in. The only way these companies make money is to study your buying habits. Like how else are they going to afford to live in California and build a new house every four years in Malibu? I mean, they've

they've got to do it's just wild to me that we are so upset about surveillance when we film ourselves all day on our phones like if anyone's gonna film me it's gonna be me I will share my data on my terms people are on phones going this TikTok's surveilling me you're you're saying it into a what have are we am I dumb I can't tell

Okay, I'm going to say, like, are you mad that people are surveilling you at the wrong angle and the bad light, the lighting you don't want? Trust me, I don't like that one bit. Why do you think I film everything I do? I'm doing it on my terms, okay? Where I have one chin. People are filming themselves on TikTok complaining about TikTok surveilling them. Can you imagine if the government 10 years ago was like, we're shutting down QVC. We're shutting down swap meets, right?

OK, we're shutting this down because of the credit card machines and you're taking their email. Why did we decide all of a sudden we care that people are taking that ship sailed so long ago? Like and whenever someone makes this argument to me, my first question is always like, oh, cool. Like, do you know your ancestry? Like, did you and they're like, oh, yeah, I did. Twenty three in May.

You spit in a tube and sent it to a lab just so you could brag that you're 2% from Africa for when you get accused of being racist. You have that in your back pocket, but surveillance is a problem for you? You gave a company your actual DNA, and now they know what you're allergic to, so someday if someone wants to kill you, they can just throw a bee at you? That's fine? You paid for that? But TikTok is where you draw the line? I don't...

There is a level, there is a degradation of self-awareness that is very scary to me. If you've ever been on a Zoom call,

They're making a robot out of you now. Like in the terms of service, it said we are using all of your calls and your conversations to train artificial intelligence. We don't care. Like we don't even we do. I get Zoom invites three times a week for things. And I'm like, this is a text at best. Like you guys just do you guys just want to make sure the robots talk like you? This is starting to get a little bit narcissistic. But let's hop on a Zoom about that. I'm like, we could just do a phone call.

We don't need to involve our faces. Like we don't need to, let's just zoom about it. That is truly like, you could just email me back the answer. What? I cannot tell what's happened. Like, I don't, our brains are broken. You guys also, you know, your phone like tracks your location at all times and you agree with it. You, we do, we say like share a location with Google so that they can find the closest Starbucks. Like, yeah. I mean,

you're never going to turn that off. Like, do you really want to look for a, do you want to go to a further Starbucks? You know, you're never going to do it. This is it. When it's helpful, people are fine with it. Right? Like I've, I've never been marketed something on Instagram that I did not want. It is a store catered to me. What is that? Is that a thong with a horseshoe on it?

add to car do you just do you just watch my dreams at this point I don't know how they do it there's nothing I've been marketed on Instagram that I don't want immediately I mean God it's like people are complaining about surveillance on TikTok and then they do clear at the airport you gave a machine and you gave an ATM machine your eyeball I mean the only argument against clear is that there's no way they work I mean that right it's it's

It's like barely a gumball machine. Like it's so rickety. Have you even like, like, it's like, what is, is this a red box? Do they just, do they just repaint those red boxes outside of seven 11? Like, I don't even know. It's a vending machine. Like it is so rickety, but like you did give them your eyeball. You eyeballs are, they're connected to your brain. It's your brain. You gave, you just gave them,

Delta, your brain, like you don't care about surveillance. Like it's always been around. It's also surveillance. You know, I'm obsessed with like how everything has already existed. Yeah.

And always just look different. Like God was the first, right? God was the first. It was like, he's watching. And if you're good, you're going to go to heaven. If you're bad, you're going to go to hell. Everyone's like, it's people started behaving. And then they started going to war over whose surveillance person was the best one or whatever. Then it was Santa Claus. Santa Claus is the best surveillance device that human beings have. And now that I have a child, I, I could not recommend surveillance more. It is.

It's really, some woman was like having, am I wrong? That her kid was just like throwing feces in her face and she just hadn't eaten in 12 days. Like her boobs were, her raw bleeding boobs from breastfeeding this gargoyle. She just hit a limit and was like, he's watching and making a list. The kid's like, what? Who? Who's watching? Santa. Santa.

And if you're good, you're going to get toys in a year. And the kid was like, OK. And she was like, that is this. I now know why parents are so mad at me when I bring up the idea of like, I don't want to tell my kid about Santa. I don't want to lie to them like you. I can't afford any more babysitters. If I don't have Santa, I'm going to have to get that that I'm just have to start wearing the helmet again.

My son is at the stage where he's just hitting me in the head so violently. But I get why parents are like, no, no, no, we need Santa Claus. Like, you don't get to tell your kid there's no Santa Claus because then he's going to tell my kid that there's no Santa Claus and that I will have no way to control him. And I can't talk to CPS again this week. You know? I don't know. It's just... When you...

Like people are like, I don't want them to have my data. I don't want them to have my email. It's like, OK, well, we used to have a book full of everyone's phone numbers and home addresses and we would just throw it. It was on the ground around the neighborhood, like in a bag. And guess what? The most important point about phone books is that there were phone books everywhere on your. No one used them. No one opened them.

They stayed in the bag. I didn't care. I don't care what your address is. I don't care what your phone number is. Like maybe to like prank call you. Like that's all we would do. Right. You would like, you would like go to the phone book and look for someone that was like B or something and be like, Hey, big, like stupid, dumb, dumb. Anyone who wants your number or your address? Like, I don't, I don't know, man. I, I kind of want to meet them. Sorry.

See, I'm the weirdo that I'm like, whenever security's like, yeah, this person's like stalking you. I'm like, where are they? Like, I want to meet the person who is so, who picked me. Like, I am notorious for stalking my stalkers. Like, I'm their biggest fan. I'm like, this is such a weird person.

You can focus on anybody and you picked me? Like, I want to meet your mom. I want to see the house you grew up in. I want to know everything. I'm on the edge of my seat. Like, you want to kill me? You'd go to jail to kill me? Now look, there's a whole teleprompter script about hero bread. Here's the deal. Everything is a nightmare. And I...

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Whatever stalkers like when people like I have a stalker. It's not you. It's first of all, they're mentally ill. Why are you bragging? Second of all, they move on to other people like they they fixate on certain people. It's like limerence. Right. It's called limerence. Another new word. Limerence patch. You want to look up limerence and make sure I'm using it right.

I got you.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't answer. I would get these weird and the voicemails that he would leave were like, hey, where are you? I'm looking for you. I've been waiting. Like he thought we had all these plans that I was just missing. He's very specific about the Sony lot. He was always like, I didn't see on the Sony lot today. I don't know what's going on. Like, where are you? Is everything good? And he was very concerned. It was like he had his own reality.

And and so the LAPD was like, we need to come and we need you to answer the phone when he calls and keep him on for three minutes. That was that was a directive. Me talk for three minutes like handled. And so he called. They're standing around because three minutes, I guess, is the amount of time it takes to find out where they are, whatever it is. And the guy calls me.

And I'm like, hey, and I, you know, he's like, just enter into his reality. I'm like, enter into a crazy person's reality. It's my entire childhood. Got this. Right. And so he's like, hey, where are you? Like, are you OK? Should I come over there? And I I was really cool and fine until he was like, OK, I'm on my way. I just I'm worried about you. I'm going to head to your house now. And I was like, wait, what? You know where I live? Like, I got all squirrely. And I was like, wait, do you know where I live? Like, I got scared. And he got, you know, frazzled and hung up the phone.

And I never heard from him again. And I got a call a week later. They were like, hey, great news. Your stalker has moved on to another public figure. And I was like, who is she? Who? Who is it? Just tell me. Who? Who is it? Mila? Scarlett? Just tell me. Who is it? Miley? Just I don't I'm not mad.

I just, I would love to, who is this bitch? Just tell me like, what, who is it? Mandy Moore. And I, cause it's very common that, that once they make contact with you, it breaks the spell, I guess. And I guess my thing about it was like, but I, I, I just, I feel like I didn't put my best foot forward on that call. Cause I got, I was thrown and I,

In my brain, I was like, no, no, you would totally still be obsessed with me if I like give me another chance. The officers were like freaking me out and making me scared. And like, I know you don't know where I live. That was I was irrational. Just like, give me another chance. It's like my brain was like, what did you do on that call to make this person who was mentally ill?

fixated on you out of his control your personality sucks so bad that you scared him off how bad the illusion was better what you saw on Chelsea lately was better than actual me I mean it I cannot explain the hit it takes to your self esteem when your stalker finally talks to you and is like I'm good

Like, like awkward. What was I thinking? Like he like went to therapy. He's like, oh God, I was obsessed with this dud. Something's wrong. Like he's probably happily married. Anyway. Oh, did we get limerence? Did I get that right? Accurate on limerence. Yes. An intense, obsessive and involuntary romantic attachment to another person. Huh? Hmm. Limerence. Story of my life. I have it with every horse I've ever met. I keep getting these questions.

arguments thrown at me. Like I asked on Instagram, you know, what I should talk about and the privacy stuff or whatever. And a lot of people, especially since I've had a son, they're like, I don't know. It's just that like surveillance over your kids. Like you post photos of your kids. Okay. Yeah. Oh, I have one kid, whatever. You know what I mean? And it's,

We've always done that. Parents have always shared photos of their kids to complete strangers. It actually was way creepier before. They used to do it with their wallets. You used to talk to someone and you'd be like, oh, how's little Angela doing? They'd be like, let me...

I got it. They would pull their wallet out, which was like congealed to their butt. It was like hardened and like, I mean, just sweat cut, just like pry it open. And it's like, here she is. And there was like a, like a plastic shmegma covered CD. I think it's weirder to print a photo of your child and be like, yeah, she is. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like she's on my butt at all times.

My daughter's always on my backside. So I could show her to strangers like way weirder. I don't know. And oh, and then, you know, back when there were offices, you would go in the office and there would just be like photos of toddlers on everyone's desk. Every dad and mom had all these photos of their kids, like, like at the beach and bathing suits. You're like, Jesus. Jesus.

Like, I don't I'm not coming into your cubicle, man. That's that's that's not you can't. Why do you have six kids naked in a bath? This is not your shouldn't be on your desk. OK, we is it's bad. Is there still such a thing as take your daughter to work day? Well, involuntarily, perhaps sometimes take your daughter to my house. You're like, I try to not bring my daughter to work as much as possible because the therapist has advised against it.

If you would ever shut up, I could maybe bring my daughter around you. But oh, my God, that's we did. We did take your daughter to work. Like, I remember being like dragged into like men's offices and just being like, hi, I'm at your job. The weird thing about that is like, does every job need to be on the same page with whatever school is doing that activity? Because like I remember it being a school activity.

Like, go to work with your parents or whatever. It's trafficking.

Like, why am I like wearing a bathing suit under my dress? Cause I've been promised. I get to go to the pool. If I do this, like there was always some kind of like barter for it. Why would I ever want to go to your boring ass office? And I'm like having to say hi to everybody. Just like you're going from office to office being like, hi, what do you do for a living? Like, please. And then, Oh God, don't get me started on men's pants. Um, and all the weird slacks I had to see man. Like it was just, there was always like a, what are they? Cause you're like, hi,

height when you're a kid. You know what I mean? You're just like, what, what? Like, why am I looking at all these grown men? And the, I just take your daughter to work day, take your son to work day. I don't think we need to like parade our kid around. It's like, this is what an office is. Here's a bunch of adults that don't,

How about take your daughter to the playground day? Take your daughter to the, I don't know, therapy day. Take your daughter to mermaid land. I don't anything but that. I'm just saying we surveillance. Why are we tearing ourselves apart by pretending to worry about surveillance? I give blood.

I'm an organ donor. Someone might have my spleen in their torso one day. Like we're not, it's not, there's my blood is in a building somewhere, which by the way, don't get me started. You know that when I found out about the blood bank, that there was a building full of blood. Imagine I was like today, minus four years old when I learned about that. And I had to like take the day off. I was just like, wait, there's a building full of blood. What if there's an earthquake? You're just okay with that? Is everyone just okay with that?

It's pretty gross sounding, but I feel like it's got a purpose. But no, no, no, no, no, no. But something will go wrong. Okay? Fires, earthquakes, pipes are exploding. No one thinks this is... No one's... Okay. I did look into it. The good news... Because when I heard blood bank, building full of blood, I pictured like vials and I was like, well, they're all going to smash. Like, what if...

I think you didn't know enough about it to really. So then I did my research. So blood banks, they are in bags.

Which is also disgusting that there are just these like jellyfish full of blood, like filed away. Like I can't, I can't even think about it. I just, there's certain things that I cannot wrap my head around and blood bank is one of them, but yes, I'm glad they exist. My blood's in one of them. My blood's in one of them. The point is, I just think being so worried about surveillance, maybe the solution to that anxiety is to just behave like,

in a way that being surveilled doesn't give you anxiety.

I don't know. The people I know that are the most worried about surveillance are all the people that, like, cheat on their wives and, like, do shady shit. And I'm like, you might just have to stop cheating. You might just have to get a divorce. Like, you might just have to stop buying Oxycontin from strangers at Rite Aid. Like, I don't, you might, there is a chance that you might just have to be a good person. I don't know what to tell you. You might just have to stop ordering online a bunch of gifts for your side chick.

Because eventually that's like, I don't know what to say. She's been good. Surveillance isn't the problem. Maybe your behavior is the problem. Yes, I know they do bad things with it and they use it against us. And but I'm just saying, try to figure out what you're scared of with the surveillance thing and then be specific. OK, because because I do think a lot of people don't realize, especially men, that the more they complain about surveillance, the more we're just like, oh, so you cheat.

That's what we, that is what it sounds like. Oh, man, they're reading our emails and they're reading our text messages. I'm like, what? And it's like, oh, so you cheat? Oh, so you sent a bunch of racist memes? Like, what? Which, by the way, I also believe that you have a right to have been stupid 20 years ago. I believe everyone has the right to have made a really bad mistake on Halloween.

a while ago and course corrected so like remember the johnny depp trial something not a lot of people talk about with that is like you know that there was just they casually threw out something that was like and now we will read the texts from johnny depp and his friend from 2009 and everyone's just reading them i'm like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa you can do that

I've switched providers six times, AT&T, Verizon, T-Mobile. You can hold on. Wait, why wasn't everyone like timeout? They can get those? What? The only reason I'm able to sleep at night is because I'm under the impression that my texts from 2009 are not gettable. If that is the case, I will be pulling a Shelley Duvall and moving to Montana and I will have a wonderful life with my ferrets. Okay. I'm not. Can you imagine?

Yeah, look, TikTok might be an attack on America, OK? But hating TikTok is an attack on lonely people. And I won't have it. People need TikTok. If you've been on TikTok, you know the people that are on it need it. That's holding them together. It's like Scientology. I don't know. At this point, I feel like I'm pro Scientology. I have forgiven them for rejecting me when I first came to L.A. and wanted to live in their castle. I don't.

I don't know. What if Scientology didn't exist? All the people that fell for it, what would they be doing if they weren't in the castle worshipping aliens? Like, what havoc would they be wreaking? Huh? Like, can you imagine? There's people, like, sometimes I see people these days, and I'm like, you know what you need? You don't need therapy. It's not going to work. You know, you actually, you don't need antidepressants. You need a cult.

Like that, that is the best case scenario for a lot of people. Like if you are testing your cocaine for fentanyl and if it tests negative, you do it anyway. I think you need some tools and I think you need aliens. You need to believe that aliens exist.

are going to fix it. I don't remember. What's the Scientology thing? You go to the alien world later when you go to Theranos. What is it? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Now, I'm just going to cut the shit here. We are in a mental health crisis. There's a copy that's like, what do you want your story to be in 2025? The new year gives us 365 blank pages. What is it? What is the rest? To fill with goals, achievements.

Sorry, BetterHelp. Just, we're in a mental illness crisis right now. I have people screaming at me on the internet because I'm on X and not blue sky. Okay? We are in a crisis right now. Okay? I'll read the script. Maybe you're ready for a plot twist or maybe there's a part of your story you've been wanting to revise. We've been fighting about Blake Lively's hair for three months. Something's wrong.

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My heart goes out to Melania Trump. I now feel bad for this woman. Like, you know that I love gold diggers. I defend them constantly in two specials. Now I have talked about gold diggers. I cannot stop thinking about them, not only because my mom was one. Bless her heart. But I have a soft spot for gold diggers because it's like it used to be a way out.

For broke bitches. It used to be a way out and now it is a nightmare. Like, imagine being Melania and you have dated this. I mean, you have had to close your eyes during sex while MSNBC played in the background for years. And now you have to live in Washington, D.C. and be the first lady again. Yeah.

In that ugly ass house. Like, oh my God. Like you become a gold digger so that you can like live in Miami and...

St. Barthes and now you're like in D.C., the most boring city on the planet. I lived there when I was a kid. It is the, you can't even wear heels. They still have the same cobblestones and bricks from like the Mesozoic era. You can't, you cannot wear heels in D.C., okay? It's human, it is so dorky, dude. They like barely have a Sephora. Like, oh, what a nightmare, dude. And now it's just,

Rich guys are like they're running for office. They can't just be rich. They just can't be rich. They just they have to run for money's never enough for people also need power. Right. So they're running for office. They're, you know, try to be humble by like living in rustic. They want to see the Titanic. Right.

They want to see the Titanic. Remember? Oh, God, that was heartbreaking. Like when the guy that the billionaire, which, by the way, after the Luigi thing and it was clear that we do not care if rich people die. The turning point was really when the billionaire that went to go see the Titanic died and we laughed for six months. I mean, we I still I'm still laughing.

It's just because, like, imagine being the woman gold digging that billionaire, okay? Who was just like, oh my God, I'm with this, like, English billionaire. And, like, her life was horrible. She finally figured it out. She got out. She got a car, okay? She got off, you know, the streets, right?

And she got off the pole, gets this billionaire guy. She gets all these, goes to Chanel. She's like, okay, so where are we going this weekend? Are we going to go to Tao Vegas? Are we going to go to Monaco? Like, where are we going to go? And he's like, we're going to North Face to get you a scuba suit because we're going to go see some trash at the bottom of the ocean. Okay? We're getting your scuba license at the pool in the Hyatt because we're going to...

bottom of the ocean to see a bunch of garbage. It's like, huh? I've been doing Kegels for four years and I have to go to the bottom. It's just the whole Malibu thing that I think of all of the gold diggers who got boyfriends that had houses in Malibu.

And now all the nice areas, they're all burned down. What are the gold diggers going to do? They moved out here to try to find a guy so they could live in Malibu. Now it's gone. These women are like, I've been blowing this dude for two years and now I have to, our house in Malibu is gone. Now I have to go work with charities to help California. Like this, this burned down looks like the place I grew up.

Okay. This is not... Millionaires are not glamorous anymore. It's not... It's like gauche to be glamorous as a millionaire. They all live in like Utah now or Wyoming and they wear like what I'm wearing. Like they're schlubs now. Right? Millionaires are all like reconnecting with nature because like money doesn't buy happiness. All these podcasts. Money doesn't buy... Yes, it does. Millionaires.

Money does buy happiness for broke people. It absolutely buys happiness. I was $40,000 in debt when I moved to LA. And once I made money for the first time, I got happy. That was my only shot at happiness because I had a pit in my stomach every night when I went to bed and I was selling my friend's clothes at Buffalo exchange for money and lying to their faces. I'm sorry, Sean Lennon. I did that. Look, I don't have the self-esteem or patience to listen to boring stories.

to be a gold digger. If I did not have the level of ADD I have, I might be able to. All the things that I promised myself I will do on a daily basis to take care of myself, gold diggers do all day, every day, no problem. Okay, so they might be better than me. They may have more self-respect and more, you know, discipline than I do, you know? And now all these gold diggers, they just wanted to live in a fancy place. And they're like, my dad called me a princess.

And I deserve to be a princess. And they were this close. They were this close. Gold diggers at this, all the gold diggers before they got to live in Palm Springs and they got to go to Paris. And now that this,

This is the year they had to live in the woods near a bunker because the zombie apocalypse and the aliens are like a pre a prefab house. That's a lot of really rich guys are doing. They're doing like a prefab house that's made up like recycled dildos or something. And they have to go do barefoot grounding on the grass. These gold diggers like I've been homeless. I've done this. This is what I was just doing.

I just got these red bottom heels I've wanted my whole life and I can't wear them in this grass in Montana. Millionaires used to be like they used to be like fat and indulgent. They would have like gout and just like eat like ham all day or whatever. Now millionaires get up at 5 a.m. to do their ice bath and their cold plunge. Gold diggers are like, I was just poor. I've only had cold water.

I've been cold plunging every day. That's why I'm blowing you so I can have warm water for once in my life. Like,

I have to sauna every day now that I'm with a rich guy. I've never had air conditioning. That's why I'm putting up with this because I've lived in an apartment that is only a sauna in the summer all the time. Like just, you know, I don't, it's amazing. Isn't it supposed to be a short-term investment for a gold digger? Isn't it supposed to be like,

I'm going to find the richest, oldest person because they're going to be dead very soon. And then I get all their money. But now they're all focused on how do I live forever? I have all this money. How do I live forever? Dude, that is so funny.

Gold diggers like dating these super old rich dudes. And the whole point is like, they're going to die soon. And now they're like, I just extended my life a hundred years. They're like, God damn it. What? Anna Nicole Smith is like, well, she's dead. Right.

Oh, I just that is so funny. Millionaires are like, do you know that they eat cricket protein now? Like the whole thing is like we eat crickets. Imagine being a gold digger who finally made it got the wealthy Silicon Valley dork. And he's like, tonight we're eating bugs. She's like, I just moved out of an apartment with cockroaches and I have to eat them. Like what? How about some Kobe beef? I'm anemic and I've never had health insurance. Like what? Like I'm

I don't. It's so funny that it's like like being rich. It's like now tacky to be like glitzy about it. Imagine being a gold digger like and now all of a sudden it's it's like gauche to fly private if you're rich. Like imagine being with a millionaire who's like bad for business, honey, for me to be seen with a private jet with the climate change thing. So I sold my jet. We're now going to fly southwest. You know, it's the right thing to do. She's like, then why do I need you?

I was a Southwest Airlines flight attendant. I've smelled people's farts in a tube in the sky for 10 years. I have more miles on Southwest. I have so many miles on Southwest. I'm gold platinum because that's all I've ever flown. Okay. They know me by name over there. I'm dating you in LA four because you were my only ticket out of coach, not going back there.

Just like I've been listening to your boring ass autistic ramblings because I was under the impression flying private was on the horizon. I was dating you to get American citizenship, not to fly American. I didn't just vote red for you to fly jet blue or the guy. Hold on. You were kind of just talking about this or the guy that that takes his son's blood to stay young. Brian Johnson's his name.

What do you do in that situation? Like, you're a gold digger. Like, oh, this guy's rich. Great. I mean, I could definitely see myself broke in my 20s, like, dating that guy, you know? Waking up, like, okay.

Finally, I'm financially secure. I've taken care of my family members who are in trouble. You know, I have health insurance now. Just, I can pretend I like this dude. This is working. New truth. I came out here to be an actress. Now act, bitch. Like, he's kind of a weirdo. Works out a lot. Takes a billion vitamins. But like, this is good. I need to get healthier too. Like, I've only eaten Lucky Charms my whole life. Like, you know, but this is a better addiction. This is the best possible addiction, right? He just works out a lot and eats a lot of kale. Fine.

You go up to breakfast and you just see him hooked up to his teenage son with the kid's blood going into his neck. And you're like, OK, better than working at the mall, better than working at the mall. You just have to say that over and over again. Like, all right. Sometimes you got to just look the other way. That kid's got a lawsuit on his hands for sure. Like sometimes you got to look the other way. Blake and Ryan have been doing it for years. Yeah.

Also, like I haven't seen apparently there's a documentary out about him, but like the fact that we give women shit for being insecure about aging and getting Botox and filler and facelifts and stuff. But we're OK with a man just like fighting aging by taking blood from his kid. And we're like, cool, let's make a documentary about it. Like what? I go on all the big podcasts. Look, I.

If it's legal and it works, trust me, I will absolutely do it. But, like, I just don't think he's being made fun of nearly enough. Like, we can call women that want to look young, like, Botox face, lizard face, duck lips. I just feel like we should make fun of him more. Like, call him...

Kid blood head or I don't know. It's not a good, not a lot of good ones, but also vampire dad, vampire dad. Like I don't, why would you want blood from a teenager? The reason that he probably feels so good after these infusions is because his kid's blood is a chock full of Adderall and Zima. Like he's like, yeah, I have so much energy all of a sudden. Yeah. Because you just didn't meth by accident. Like, I mean, the kid was probably eating a Tide pod like 20 minutes ago. Like, but you don't, I don't think,

Taking blood from a teenager, I feel like is very weird judgment. I don't know. But you know that I'm you know, you know that I'm fine with men being insecure about their appearances. Trust me, that is progress. I am here for it. It's just it's just like funny to watch men discover things that women have known for 2000 years. Like guys are like, I'm doing the intermittent fasting and I'm not eating all day on Sunday. I'm like, yeah, that's called anorexia. That's our thing.

We got it. Which, by the way, if people say that, like, my skin looks good or whatever, I mean, not on Reddit, but I do think when you're broke by accident, you do all the things high performers are now doing. Like, in my 20s, I only had cold water. I was intermittent fasting because I couldn't afford food, basically. Like, I was barefoot outside because, like, didn't have shoes that I was willing to get dirty. Like, I kind of, like, get a lot of sunlight. Yeah, I was outside all the time because I didn't have a place to live.

Being a gold digger now is not even annoying. It's like a nightmare. It's like terrifying. If you're a gold digger right now, there is a strong chance you will have to go to space.

Can you imagine? Like, hey, babe, where are we going this weekend? Are we going to go to Spain? Are we going to go to Monte Carlo, Cabo? He's like, yeah, well, right now we're going to need to get your platelets checked and do a brain scan because we're going to go to Mars. Get a big backpack. Grab that Birkin because let's be honest, we might not be coming back. What? Yep, we might colonize it. What?

Can you imagine? I mean, if you thought conversations with rich guys were boring before this, imagine what you have to hear about now. Just like, you know, if there's water on Mars, we could definitely. That's big. That's big. You know, if there's bacteria on Mars, that's a game changer. Oh, my God. I have to talk about space now.

Like, can we go back to talking about your ex-wife and how much of a nightmare she is? Like, why do we? There's something. It's you guys and planets, man. It never ends. It never ends. There's like every guy. It is so funny to watch like men that have become billionaires. They're really it's they're just five year old toddlers again. They're like, what's the zoom zoom? You want to go on the zoom zoom up to the like?

Can we, you have to go to the, how much of a brat are, so there's nothing on earth that's cool? Like nothing, nothing on earth is good enough for you. Like not that you've been to pyramids, bah, snore, like Machu Picchu, meh.

I think that's part of the reason that I felt very comfortable making fun of the guy that went down to see the trash of the Titanic. Because it was like, you're a billionaire. You could see whatever. Great Wall of China, Antarctica. You could go to Slarvesbard. Slarvesbard? I think I'm pronouncing it wrong. That's my dream to go there. It has more polar bears than people. And something that I'm so obsessed with about it is that only men get killed by the polar bears because women carry guns and men are like, I got it. Yeah.

Men are like, I don't need a gun. But it's a polar bear. And they're like, meh, I got it. Okay, I play that thing, Street Fighter. I got it. I think I got it. You know, it's like half of all men believe that they can land a plane if they needed to. Oh, for sure. Half. I believe it. They could just toggle those keys, land that plane.

Anyway, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I just, to be a gold digger and have to sit there. You know Melania has to hear about this because she's now having to have dinner. It's not just the guy that you're with. It's all the guys. Melania now has to hang out with Elon Musk and she's like, this is so boring. Can we literally go back to you talking about the kids you pay four cents to mine cobalt already? Like that was actually more entertaining. She always looks so bored. She always looks so bored. She's always just like.

Anyway, gold diggers changes a lot, changes a lot of things used to be glamorous, used to be a strong option that I think this is probably why women are now doing the trad wife thing, which I have no I have no judgment to whatever you want. It's also about I mean, trad wife. Is that like the new gold digger? It's like women that are like, I don't work. I obey my husband. They're just in like peasant tops.

And like milking. They're getting ahead of all the bullshit that you're describing now. You know what I mean? They're laying in the ground. They're like, these are the next level ones. They're the ones like, I'm not going to space. I'm going to go to a guy. I'm going to gold dig a guy that does not believe in technology. Yeah.

Not going out that way. Yes, I am sleeping with a man that I find revolting because I grew up poor, but like, I'm not going to space. I'm looking for the Amish dudes that have big cow money or churn money or big churn. I don't know. But these trad wives are on to something and I'm into it. I'm literally in therapy to have the confidence of a gold digger is the sad part. Like,

I go into a relationship, I'm like, how can I be of use to you on a daily basis? What do you need? Do you need insurance? Do you need a pool? Do you like to swim? Do you need like a peptide hookup? Do you want to start a podcast? I can help you with that. I'll manage you. Like, gold diggers are like, it is a privilege to even talk to me. And if you want the pleasure of my company, you better have a boat. Good for them. Anyway, about to go on tour, guys. Again, picking up the tour. Feel free to...

I won't talk about gold diggers in this next hour. Don't worry. I have to be done. I have to just let them be. I'm not going to rescue them. I like turn into the sound of freedom guy. I'm like, let's get the women that are stuck in that marriage. Like, what are they going to do? Getting out of a marriage as a gold digger and being like, oops, my bad. I was shallow. I'm in over my head. I don't want to go to space.

I don't want to go to the bottom of the ocean to look at a bunch of trash. I don't want to live in the woods. You know what? I will go back. I'll go back to Hooters. It's only fair. You can't go. It's like me trying to get out of California. There's no way. Gavin Newsom will never let me leave. I have done a deal with the devil that can it just simply cannot be undone. Cannot be undone. All right. I've got to shut my mouth. It's enough already. I am on tour.

Everything's online. You know where to find me. I'm going to shut up. Keep sending me ideas of things to talk about for the podcast, because if you don't, I will only talk about one thing the entire time, because Asperger's. Don't ride elephants. Goodbye. Bye.