JFK, Marilyn Monroe, Alec Baldwin, TESLA’s on Fire | Good For You episode 281
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I'm doing this podcast from New York City. Real quick, we just announced some new stand-up dates. I'm coming to Virginia, Arkansas, Reading, Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, New Orleans, Fort Lauderdale, Toronto, Connecticut, Vancouver. I will see you in all these cities. You know meet and greets are ticketed now because people were getting elbowed in the head. I can't have someone get CTE'd, not on my watch. And I can't wait to see you guys in all these cities. Bop, bop, bop. Morgan, where are you from? North Carolina. Nice.

I gotta say that those like Charlotte Hornets jackets the turquoise and purple ones kind of right why do we get to say that now you're we're just okay like this is so wild to me you date a British guy no that's not why like

There's this thing where you can go like, that's so c***. Like, it's giving c***. It's like, are we reclaiming the word, Morgan? What's the biggest insult you could call someone, Morgan? How old are you? I'm 20. 20. What's like the biggest... How do I get Morgan on camera? Morgan. Morgan's 20. What is the biggest burn you could be called at this point? The thing that's going to hurt the most besides Nepo Baby? Well...

I wish, but I go to art school, so I would probably say untalented. Oh. That would be... I wouldn't even have thought of that. Yeah. Woo! By the way, a lot of very untalented people make it. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Talent has very little to do with it. In a way, making it without having any actual natural-born talent is a talent in and of itself. I think people who are very talented...

go well I'm really talented like so that should be enough and it's not it's never you know what I mean so and a lot of times talented people you know don't work as hard because they're like oh my talent will you know no it won't you have to suck some to get your painting seen ladies

I agree with you. Untalented. But no one can call you untalented. What kind of loser says that? Right. What do you mean, untalented? I do think that would hurt the most. You're telling me Jackson Pollock was talented? Okay. Art is mostly just maniacs on drugs. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Like, you know, I go to music school. Okay. So it's a lot of like listening to people play you their demos and having to nod along and be like, this is fine. Well, that's psychological abuse. Oh, it is. And what I will say. Yeah.

Is time's up on that. Sometimes. I would rather you corner me and make me do something sexually inappropriate than force me to listen to your demo. Yeah, and like... If Louis C.K. forced people to listen to his demos...

Then he would be gone. I just need you to know your rights in this situation. You want to send me an MP wave file? You want to send me a zip? I'll listen to it on my own time. The biggest slam you can say on someone these days, or the one that hits me the hardest, I believe, is she's a pick-me-up.

Oh, yeah. When did this start being a cancelable offense? I don't want that. But I want to be picked. That's why we're all here. This is what we're doing. I'm here to be picked by my father, who was legally supposed to love me and didn't. We're all just trying to get picked, right? You can't get into a business where you want to be seen and loved and get successful, but not want to be picked. I don't know how Donald Glover does it, but no one else can do that.

No one else can be picked and still seem cool. He's the only person that has managed to pull this off. And I'm furious at him. But I do remember Anne Hathaway. She just kind of went away. OK, she just she won an Oscar. And I think there was a Daily Beast article about this where but also Daily Beast. You're a bunch of dorks. They came after me after the CNN New Year's Eve thing. Dorks. You're obsessed with me. You love me.

And Anne Hathaway gave an Oscar speech where she was excited to win the Oscar. And everyone was like, it's a little much.

She's a little much. She wants this a little much. Yeah, no shit. Yeah, like, duh. She has been singing octaves and tap dancing since she was two years old to try to get this gold naked statue man at Hollywood prom. Everyone was like, uh, little needy. Little pick me. Trying a little hard. Yeah. Yeah. What? What?

Half of the actresses in Hollywood surgically remove their eyebrows and then put new ones on from the back of their head.

What do you have them have new teeth? We got to talk about the teeth. The veneers. The veneers is out of hand. Out of control. You guys, you know, we can see you. How dumb do you think we are? Like how dumb do you think we I know that weed is legal now, but we're not that stoned. We can see that you look like the Cheshire cat. We know what you're we know. We got your old pictures. We

We got, okay, so this is making me, okay, so every now and then I need to replay Chrissy Shula. Happy birthday, Dr. King. Something is wrong with Lana Del Rey's face, and we need to talk about it because it has not been addressed. But folks have been questioning Nicki Minaj's ass and the validity of it for years, and I do not appreciate that, okay? Her face is wrong. It is wrong.

I say often that the Lord don't make mistakes, but her face is a math equation that he has yet to solve. You not about to tell me that your jaw is perpendicular, your mouth is parallel, and we gonna be all right. No, we're not. That's not what you gonna tell me. You just get a nerve talking about, I didn't have any work done. I don't know what people are talking about. Bitch.

There is a fiddler on the roof of your top lip and it's lopsided and one-legged. You're not about to... Ain't nobody come out looking like that in her damn top lip. We done seen your before pictures. She tried to hide them. Oh, we done synced them. You know, but no. That's what you're not about to do. Don't you lie to these kids. Okay, so here's the thing. We're not getting away with anything anymore. Why veneers? Are you guys like, I'm not going to go see them perform unless they're...

That actually kind of scares me. I don't like, like, seeing people with veneers, especially now, like, people who had, to me at least, perfectly fine teeth, and then they smile one day, and it's just like, and it's like... You know what's, this is it. Okay, so everyone now wants authenticity. Yeah. Like, this facade of looking like a, what is it, massage? Yeah.

What is it, Madame Tussauds or whatever? As an actual Madame Tussauds figurine, I'm here to tell you no one wants you to look like a giant wax robot. And no one's like, I'd love her music as long as she got fake teeth. Like, I don't know. It just feels like it also feels like a little bit of a flex, though, too. It feels a little bit like, oh, like I'm making money now. Right. Yeah.

It's like get a new car. Get a new car. Get something that's not in your head. If you have fake teeth, you don't have girlfriends. It's another one.

It's another one. It's you do not know girlfriend would allow their girlfriend to do that to their head. And not girl's girl strikes again. Hey, guys. Losing weight is tough between trying different diets, spending hours at the gym, trying to read all this copy on the screen and not seeing the results that you want. It can be very frustrating. So here's a deal that you're going to get from me.

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Again, this is the most random episode ever. I was going to talk about the JFK release. I'm going to be very clear with you, okay? I care what happened to JFK on some level. Like, I think we kind of know. Like, I feel like we got it. When you become president, you kind of know that's going to happen to you, especially if you try to do something good. You're like, I'm going to try and change the... You think you're going to make it back then?

I'm sure on some level he knew, right? Government, if you're running for office, you should know that the government is probably going to end it. Marilyn Monroe, however, did not sign up for that. Okay, this lady just wanted to have a bastard baby with an old money, aristocratic, probably inbred politician. And then this happens? Marilyn is the only T that I really care about at this point. Okay, half of my friends have Marilyn Monroe tattoos. I don't know anyone with a JFK tattoo.

Okay, so I think we know who, half of my Instagram is Marilyn Monroe quotes. Yes, they're stupid. I'm not going to pretend Marilyn Monroe quotes are smart. Keep a man waiting. Or if you can make a woman laugh, you can make him do anything. It's like, okay, isn't that like Bill Cosby's philosophy on life? But whatever. I'm just saying, people can't, I can't name one JFK quote. I can name Marilyn Monroe quotes.

No, wait, hold on. No, I do have a JFK quote. Hey, can someone have Marilyn Monroe half naked sing me happy birthday with my wife watching? Thanks. We agree that Marilyn Monroe didn't just puke and die in her own puke, right? A lot of people drown in their own. A lot of very famous influential people drown in their own puke. That I would like to get to the bottom of. All right. I was at the game where Tracy Morgan puked the other day. He was nowhere near drowning.

Is this gonna get monetized? I doubt it. Anyway, so did you guys see the Alec Baldwin thing where Alec Baldwin's wife is like yelling at him on a red carpet, telling him to stop talking? I cannot believe someone made me feel sorry for Alec Baldwin. I never thought that day would come. So, okay, Pat's gonna play the video of Alec Baldwin's wife telling him to shut up. I think we're gonna see, you know, we're gonna see how it feels to have it be out there. It's gonna be great. You're a winner. Oh my God, when I'm talking, you're not talking. No, when I'm talking, you're not talking.

This is why, yes, we'll have to just cut him out of the show. No, I mean, I think this is a really raw show and it's very real and we took a lot of chances. So this is a woman who can fake a Spanish accent on television, but she can't fake being interested in her husband talk. I mean, it's like actors when they're jerks. You're like, can you act like you're a nice person?

Blake Lave is a good actress. Just act like you respect people when you're at work. Like, there's got to be a way. And after watching this video, I think we all agree there's no prenup. Good to know. But it's very rare that I see a woman treat a man a certain way. And I'm like, even I know that's bad. Even I know this is annoying. I mean, and he's looking at the way he's looking at her. He's like, ah, if only you were hired by me on a film set. No?

Then I could get away with it. Like this, Alec Baldwin avoided prison time, but like, this is clearly his sentence. Like, and honestly, I never thought I'd say that Alec Baldwin had worse fate than his brother, Steven, who was stuck in biodome with Pauly Shore. Like, how did this guy manage? And then she forces him to do an apology where they're like in bed being like, I love you. This is our thing. This is our foreplay. In bed, they're on like

truly the pillow that he has to scream into every night before he goes to sleep. I mean, if you're a toxic couple, you gotta just stay home. I do think that some men like this. Men like it. There are some guys, I have seen men who are, like, trying to stay sober or trying to, like, beat their sex addiction or something and you see them out and it's just like, oh, this is the deal you have made with the devil. There's plenty of guys that, like, hire a dominatrix to, like, kick them in the balls. We all know Chris DiStefano. I mean, honestly...

Chris DiStefano's wife scares me. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I feel like when they have the reality show on the red carpet, it will be so much more brutal than this. You know what I mean? I mean, there's men that will pay women to walk them on a leash into a grocery store. Like, that's what it has to come to to get a man to go grocery shopping at this point. But...

Also, she started as a yoga instructor. And honestly, I do believe this is the new Darwinism. Men that can resist the yoga instructor. I've never seen it go well. I've never seen a man not lose everything they've worked so hard for at the mercy of men.

a yoga instructor like that's how she got them I don't know how this happens like why men can't just go oh you teach yoga nice to meet you it has they have to like marry them I'm like unclear like what's the reverse kryptonite for women it's like it's like a woman when a woman meets a guy with a three-legged dog and a another woman's name tattooed we're like I guess I have to marry you now like that's our kryptonite I don't know

I don't know. I can't totally blame her. Like, are you telling me he didn't know this was I this is what I'm saying. Not a girl's girl. You look at this woman. You're like, she doesn't have girlfriends. I went to Hilario Baldwin's Instagram. I did it. There's no girls nights photos. There's no me glamping with my girlfriends. This is someone without girlfriends. OK, this is a woman that you meet and they trick you into believing like I'm just going to support you and take care of you.

She doesn't have any friends. What else do you have to do? And then she has 19 of your babies. She's your handmaid. And then you're trapped. Okay. I just, I'm saying men who end up in this situation have a bad radar for girls who are girls, girls. They can't, they can't figure it out. And then they get stuck in this like nightmare. Okay. So let me help you. If you want to know if a girl has girlfriends, go to her Instagram and just look for photos of any friend. Okay. But here's the trick.

Girls can have girlfriends but not be girls' girls. So if you see a girl with a bunch of her girlfriends and she's the one doing splits in the front...

You know there's always the blonde in the group who's like, "Everyone do a pyramid, I'll be on top." Like that's not the, she's like the mean girl within the group, okay? The girl who like wears a mini skirt to her friend's wedding, like that's not a girl's girl. Like check what she wore to her friend's wedding. If she's like, "Oh, I was the maid of honor and I gave a speech," you gotta hear the speech. Be like, "Can I see a video?" If she's at her girlfriend's wedding and she's like,

I never thought Stephanie was going to settle down. Like, I just I mean, all those crazy trips in Cancun. I was like, Stephanie. And then you're like, no, no, no, no, no. Steve, I'm so glad that you're the guy she chose and not that lifeguard from Fort Lauderdale on a waterbed. You're like, that's not a good friend. OK, it's just this is the kind of girl who like meets a woman who's like 44 and is like, why don't you want kids? Don't you want kids? Yeah.

You should have kids. And the woman's like, yeah, no, I tried. I just don't understand. Like, I'm just saying if she had girlfriends, the girlfriends would have caught this. Girlfriends help girlfriends make better decisions. We bully each other and be like, stop yelling at Alec Baldwin. You know, he has like amazing aim, even by accident. What are you doing?

Like, stop talking to your man like that. Why would you want to talk to a man like that? Why would you want to be with a man that you talk to like this? Like, I can't... I don't know. I just... I would never want to be by guys' moms. I think that is so gross. But I guess... I guess ultimately, like... I don't know. I try so hard not to date my dad. I don't think I do that. I've been to enough, like, therapy. And I did the medicine. First of all, why are we calling drugs medicine? But the point is, I did the...

mushrooms or the whatever. I did have a manic episode, but I did find some of the Scientology ships. The point is, a lot of times we talk about daddy issues with girls. We don't talk about mommy issues with guys. A lot of times, men want to marry their mother sometimes. You'll know you'll see men with all these amazing girlfriends and then they'll be like, I'm engaged and you meet the girl and you're like,

The one yelling at you that you're an idiot in front of all your friends. Like, I guess you're just like, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy. We're all just kind of I don't know. I do. I don't know. This is making me think about my boyfriend. When I met my boyfriend's mom, I was like, oh, she had more bird feeders than I could count inside that they were in the house. OK, she talked to inanimate objects. That's my brand. She has a horse figurine collection. I was like, OK, well, I guess we're just doing this.

Are we all just zombies that are like chasing our childhoods? I think there's like, on one hand, I think people are not in enough therapy. On the other hand, I think people are too into therapy. I can't, I can't tell if we're over or under-therapized. Because on one hand, I'm like, Alec, you need to figure out what happened. That this is what you think is okay. Number two, I just feel like there's like 55-year-old men that are like, well, yeah, and then my dad didn't throw the baseball. I'm like, 45 years ago? Yeah.

That's why you cheated on your wife? Because your dad didn't throw a baseball? I don't know. My love language is physical touch. With other women while I'm out of town? I don't think that's it. Like, I don't know. I am seeing a little bit of a trend of women trying to be loathed.

Like I look at women, I'm like, this is why, like, I don't look, I don't try to be, I know I'm polarizing. I don't, I don't try to be okay. Like I do think that a lot of women think that like empowerment and feminism is just acting like the worst man they've ever met. I'm just like, what are you doing? I just feel like if, if Alec Baldwin did this to her, we would like shut down and march, right?

We would like free Hilaria. We'd have hats that, what do we have, the vagina, like butthole hats. Anyway, I do look forward to this marriage unraveling in a way that should be studied by psychiatrists. Speaking of men who date their mom, Prince Andrew.

There was a news story that came out about the royal author Tom Quinn. I'm just trying to not be a plagiarist. Wrote a book about the royal family tea. And apparently Prince Andrew gets angry of his teddy bear collection isn't perfectly arranged in a pyramid shape on his bed.

Honestly, I don't think that that's that weird. The guy was on Epstein Island for like three weeks. Like I do feel like maybe he wasn't even being a creep. Maybe he just wanted to hang out with teenagers because that's he wanted to talk about his teddy bear collection. Like I'm unclear. This man gets upset when the bears aren't arranged perfectly. Like I would think at this point they'd be stuck in a pyramid shape.

But maybe it doesn't let the staff wash the off them. I don't know what he's doing with these bears. I just you'd think he'd want someone else's fingerprints on the bears for when the FBI comes and examines them. Like, I do think that the royal family might have to go.

I don't think you guys understand that inbreeding is not recommended. The queen had like 45 corgis and we're just like here. Our bar for what is psychologically possible for the royal family is so low that we're we just let this slide. Like, does anyone if any other man had 30 teddy bears that he was mad about people not arranging properly? Wouldn't we like I'd hope we'd all do something, right?

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Anyway, it's been wild. This has been a wild one. I'm in New York and I'm just... I really do want to talk about... Okay, let's talk real quick about the Teslas. The people vandalizing Teslas. You losers. You are such losers. Okay? Don't vandalize Teslas because you hate Elon Musk. Vandalize Teslas because they suck. They're bad cars. Okay? I had a Tesla. I got rid of it. They can't go more than 250 miles, but they have a fart feature. Like, I don't... Literally, the Cybertrucks is like... They're like Fersatis...

who think Andrew Tate is a philosopher. You realize, like, people who have Cybertrucks are dorks, okay? Like, these are people that think they're Batman. Like, these are people that are so immature that they need to get a car that makes them feel like they're getting the Pokemon. Like, I don't think...

you understand these people never got attention. They got this car to get attention. And now you're giving them attention and creating a man who will wear even more necklaces now and more bracelets that tell them how they slept. Like these are not, they'll put even more price tags on their hats. Like stop. Like, it's just like the fact that, that also our country's like illegal immigrants are causing crime in America. And then you see footage of all these like white dudes in Under Armour and Birkenstocks, just like taking on Tesla's. You're like, are we all just mentally gone? You guys like,

I don't think you want to make an enemy with some dork who has a Cybertruck. They will show up at your door and they will force you to come to their birthday party. Okay? These are losers with no friends. You don't want to be on the bad side of a guy with a Cybertruck. Okay? Because that side is very crowded. I just... If you don't like a person who drives a Cybertruck, like, who... They don't like themselves either. That's why they got this truck. Okay? They agree with you. Congrats. You just made a friend. Like...

they're going to watch the surveillance footage and be like, hey, do you want to be my friend? I think I suck too, which is why I got this car. Like, what is the goal? What do you think vandalizing a Cybertruck is? What do you think this is going to do? You think it's making an impact? This is making people that throw soup at paintings look like results-oriented geniuses, okay? Like, everything is owned by an evil person, okay? What's next? We're going to start putting our Kanye swastika shirts in the garbage? LAUGHTER

When you see someone with Yeezys, do you stomp on them? Like, what are we doing? Like, are we going to go vandalize Mar-a-Lago? Like, where does it... There's something about this truck that people cannot stand. I don't know what it is. Like, it's... I think it's like, if I can't have you, no one can. It seems a little that. Let's first see if the people vandalizing these Teslas can afford them and then discover the motive. Like, you know Ben & Jerry's is owned by Unilever, right? Like, are we shitting in our ice cream? Like, I don't...

Bill Gates. I feel like we should all be as mad at Bill Gates as we are at Elon Musk. Do you know that Bill Gates owns 6 million shares of Coca-Cola? We're like, yeah, but I can't give a Coca-Cola.

You know what I mean? Like, I can't. That's not I refuse. You know what I mean? He owns three and a half million shares of John Deere tractors. You're not pissing on those. You know why? Because you get shot. You know, you know the things you know that every dork that has a cyber truck cannot defend themselves physically at any capacity. You would never go after someone with a John Deere. The Civil War would start again.

If you did that, OK, like if you were to try and vandalize someone's John Deere tractor, you would get a hoe to the neck and not not like the Alec Ball one way. My big question is, like, are men OK? Like, are you guys OK? You're marrying women like Alaria Baldwin. You're hoarding your teddy bears and you're you're farting on Tesla's like, are you all right?

I highly recommend 10 milligrams of Prozac, you guys. I don't know. I just... I don't see one woman vandalizing a Tesla. That's all I'm going to say. Women can't do this because when we walk to our cars, we don't have time to, like, make a political statement. We're too busy trying to survive the walk. We're...

We can't key a Tesla. We're too busy jamming keys between our own fingers to try to be a Wolverine in case we need to fight for our lives, okay? I know what you're thinking. Whitney, you're never going to get trafficked because you're too annoying and loud. Yeah, I know. Exactly. Why do you think I chose this personality? Keeps me safe, okay? My mom told me at a very young age. She was like, well, if you get kidnapped, they would just return you. I took that as a positive thing.

That's a good thing. OK, you know what the sound of freedom really is? This shrill ass voice. No one's going to take me. So women be louder. You know, maybe this is a Laurie Baldwin thing. She walks her car at night safe and sound. No problems. All right. Well, this has been random. I hope you guys enjoyed the podcast. I got this this this denim bustier I'm wearing from Nordstrom Rock earlier and I am chafing.

And can hardly breathe. Thank you, Chase and Morgan, for, I don't know, being forced to talk to me and complying. I look forward to the HR complaint coming from you guys. It's so funny. I was walking on eggshells when I first walked in here because there's two 20-year-olds. And I'm like, okay, well, this is going to be a bummer. And I'm not going to be able to say anything I want to say. And then she's like, I like your top. It's ****. I'm like, okay. Okay.

America's back. Don't ride elephants, guys. Goodbye.