Katy Perry, AI Friends, Influencers Sinking , and more Great News! | EP 288
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Oh, hey, y'all. Call Child Services because on May 25th, I will be in Las Vegas, Nevada, probably without my children. Last time I performed in Vegas. Pat, weren't you there? Yeah. Make that up. You were the last comic to perform at the Mirage. I got it closed. It closed down. What is that? Remember when I did that show, Lilly Singh, and the next day it got canceled? Yeah.

I think they were already getting canceled, but I like to really come in at the, you know, and let the nostalgia do the work. I don't think I'll be bringing my child to Vegas this time because last time I brought my son onto the floor and remember that like weathered trollop was like, ma'am, you're not allowed to bring your child here. Like, like as if like I looked at me as if I was

was the one that had made bad decisions my entire life. Do you remember that? It like shook me for a while. I was like, hold on, hold on, hold on. This woman looks down on me. And she was right at the time. By the way, she's still right. She's still right. Okay, I'm not going to take my kid to Vegas. I'm just going to leave him at RuPaul's Drag Race. I'm coming to Canada July 18th. I'll be in Winnipeg on August 9th. I'm going to be in Halifax.

I think these are all with Bert Kreischer, right? And then he'll do videos with his shirt off on the treadmill or something. So I don't have to do all this. And then I'm going to go to somewhere else in Canada. I'm going to be in Ridgefield, Connecticut on September 5th, the day after my birthday. Two shows. Huntington, New York. I'll be at the Paramount on September 6th. And then Vancouver, Canada, 9-12. Richmond, Virginia. I will be there September 19th. Norfolk, Virginia, September 20th. Toronto, Ontario. I'm coming to you in October. And then Baltimore.

Arkansas, Pennsylvania. I'm going to be in Redding, Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Swing by Epstein Island, then back up to New Orleans on December 6th. Action. All right. So everybody, Pat's in Holland, like such a white place. Like I'm going to Holland on vacation. So Pat's remote. What have you learned about Holland? What can you tell us back here? I have not seen a single piece of garbage on the ground anywhere.

It's insane. Have you seen a single self-made millionaire? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Have you seen a single man? That man's single? Today, Chris and I were at something and Stassi Schroeder like comes up and says hi. And I was like, this is my boyfriend, Chris. And what did she say?

She thought you were messing with her. No, she goes, what? You're single. She's like, what? No, like, who are you really? I was like, boyfriend Chris. And she's just like, no, is it like her husband? Like, pointing at somebody else? Her husband? No. I thought you were single. Like...

Why are you hiding? You're single. I swear, you're single. I was just like, is she? Let's elaborate on this. Huh? And you're like, yeah, you were just telling these jokes. I was like, she was, was she? And then simultaneously, Chris and I were like, tell me you muted me without telling me you've muted me. And she gave the look to you like, muted, right. Like she doesn't follow at all.

Oh, yeah. That was like such a brutal like if I hadn't posted you on social media. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She goes, what did she say? She was like, you're hiding him. You're hiding this guy. It was so confrontational. I loved it. Yeah, I loved it, too. I was like, tell me more. Are we done with this silly off the top of the show? Awkward flirting. We're done.

Yeah, get into the nitty gritty. By the way, hold on, Pat. Do you write the chapter descriptions of the show? I do an auto transcribe and then I run it through GPT to get me the chapter list. And then I sometimes will edit them. Isn't it called chat GPT? Are you in a rush? Are you in a hurry? Yeah, you want first, like you're friends with it. Did you just skip past last week when the first chapter said awkward chat between Chris and Whitney? No, I saw that.

That's awesome. So the chat bot, the chat GBT said it was awkward? Yeah. Wow. Rude. It was an awkward chat. I was like, did Pat write that? Like, what's worse? Right. That we're so awkward that a robot saw it? A computer thinks we're bad at socializing. Yeah. Yeah.

you're not in love you cold dead computer got it it literally said awkward get that in your caption i don't like how did my mom write the like who who right maybe it's a little maybe it's a wake-up call awkward conversation with no son of mine you're like mom

awkward talk where she's not wearing enough lip gloss. Disappointing. Now I'm like looking at the chapter, but this every day I find a new way to hurt my own feelings. Now I go look at the chapter names on YouTube and it's always like Whitney droning on again. It's like, wait, what? Hold on. Whitney attempts comedy. Give this lady a drink already. Whitney gets wasted and rants about rock

being destroyed. Whitney screaming witch. Anyway, so can't wait to look in the mirror this week. So you just let that stay, Pat? I think it's funny. Isn't it funny? I just like, I've never looked at chapter time. Should I look at the whole history of the show? If you want. I'd have to write a program that will go and do that. Or I could spend...

time with your family yeah do that definitely do that yeah you could go to the van go museum um you can van go to it uh i cannot wait to see what chat g leave that in just so chat gpt is like chris cole obviously a father dad the best joke ever yeah objectively a good joke

Wordplay with Chris Cole. Dave Chappelle speaking into Chris Cole's ear, feeding him jokes. I love when guys abbreviate random shit. You know Zayed, he's an Astros fan, and he'll be like, so the Strohs are playing. I'm like, how busy are you? Yeah. Do you need more time? Let's not even talk. You are just too slammed, obviously. Strohs and Astros gives a complete different vibe.

But you're making me like go. This is like when someone tries to get a new nickname for themselves going and you're like, I'm not like I'm Sarah, but like call me Kiki. You're like, I can't. No, you don't get to just do like now I have to go along with this. Like the Strohs, like no one says Strohs. No.

I have to go to who the Astros and then I'm not now I'm lame for not knowing. And now your whole thing about saving time. Now we've spent four minutes on this. Yeah, I have to work. You made me work. Everything. Anything that saves time costs more time. Always, always. I'm done with Postmates and Amazon and DoorDash and stuff. It takes me so much more time to order something.

Because all I do is track it and where is it? Are they on the way? Are they close? And then once I get it, I'm like, do I have everything? This is the one I ordered. Like it takes twice as long to do something that saves time. Right. When they're just like, if we're out of this, these alternatives, choose them. You're like, I would have. I would have. Jason do that on dating apps.

They should be like, if this person doesn't like you, what about these alternatives? If by the time you swipe, they're like, hey, he already found someone. But like, may I interest you in the hacky sack? That's what AI is going to be good for. AI will be like, we've searched his profile and it seems that he's in a relationship with somebody. You guys, enough. We talk about that later. Enough. This is a serious podcast and they need me.

So, look, I do want to talk about something serious up top. I'm just going to get it out of the way. It's not Israel and Palestine. I think we solved that. The real issue right now, the real victim, I believe, in 2025 May is Katy Perry. And I need to be very clear with all of you. Stop. Stop it. Now.

Over my dead body, will you bully a brunette who acts weird in public? First of all, she's plagiarizing my whole brand and I'm not even mad. If anyone should be mad at a brunette who wears too much makeup, who is being delusional and acting insane at live shows, it should be me because I invented that. First off, to be clear, Katy Perry doesn't

People are mad because she's doing this show where she's running weird and she went to space. This is the most normal she's ever behaved. And I actually think that's why you're mad. Once she stopped dressing as an actual hamburger, you guys were like, she's kind of being weird. Once she divorced Russell Brand, we're like, she's gone crazy. Yeah.

What? She's not with Russell Brand anymore? What a weirdo. Like, guys, it is very possible that going to space is the most normal thing Katy Perry has truly ever done. I'm just fascinated when we decide we're mad at someone. Jared Leto has an island where he has a cult where his fans come. That always ends well. And he's just gunning for a Netflix documentary in 10 years to come out. Like,

I don't understand. Jared Leto has tunnels under his house. He bought a house that was owned by the CIA. He has a cult, but everyone's like, ah, it's fine because he dresses like a cat at the Met. She said, however, Katy Perry keeps saying she feels like a human piñata from all the backlash from her going to space. Look, to be fair, Katy...

Welcome to what it's like to be a female comedian all the time. Okay. Compared to us, you're literally beloved, but still I'm obsessed when everyone turns on one celebrity. It's like a weird Rorschach test of like something else must be going on. It happened with Anne Hathaway. I remember after she won her Oscar, uh,

People were just like, like, like she's a pick me like she's a theater cat like people just didn't like how excited she was to win her Oscar like she didn't nail the energy, or she didn't like read the room or like be psychic about how everyone wanted her to behave and then the Oscars where she hosted it and James Franco member and James Franco just gave up halfway through he's like I'm not doing this is too embarrassing so she just like,

was in like a duck costume, like she was just like singing Cotton Eye Joe. Like she just lost her mind. And we don't like when people try too hard. So I think that the mistake Katy Perry made is that she's happy and we're not doing that.

OK, which is interesting because all we do is read books and screen grab quotes and listen to podcasts about how like how to be happy. And that's our goal to be happy. But that's not for anyone else but us. No one else gets to do it. OK, what's more annoying than a happy person?

On my trek to be a happy person, I can't see people happy already. You can't get there before me. Yeah, that drags me down. It's not like I didn't say you could be happy yet because I'm not. Like, is that what it looks like? I'm not there yet. I hate you now. It's just in the default when someone's happy is like, oh, well, don't trust me.

People are like, she's on caffeine. I'm like, or she's just like rich and doesn't care. When I first moved to California, I looked around and everybody was like being nice. And I was like, why is everybody acting all happy? Why is everybody acting? And I really thought everybody was full of shit.

It just turned out they were actually happy because they live in San Diego. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They live in San Diego. It's like phenomenal. Well, they were probably Scientologists. But here's the thing. I don't know what Katy Perry did. I don't know if she went to too much therapy, worked too hard on herself. Whatever she did, she's just she's happy and it's not cute. It's not a good look. We're not doing happy right now. We're not doing healed. OK, I think the key to everyone's survival right now is to read the room. Right.

Right. If you're a celebrity right now, you cannot be joyful, but also don't be ungrateful because then you'll go into Chapel Roan. Why can't you just like be grateful for her success? Like it's a it's impossible to hit like no one's going to hit it, but that's what needs to be. You have to hit the exact tone. OK. And whatever you do, do not post yourself eating eggs on social media. They will send you to jail. Right.

because eggs are expensive. The things we used to throw at people's houses for fun. You should be able to get like a 24 pack for that. You know how sad it is that eggs are so expensive kids can't even vandalize their neighbors anymore. This country has really gone down the drain. I think that's why they have to go on and do negative trolls. Teen trolls would go away if they could just egg people's houses again. Yeah, but think about the keyboard warriors and how bad their aim is.

They don't throw eggs. They don't get to practice. They're not good. I bet they're good toilet paper people because you don't have to. You just kind of. Yeah, but you're stationary. You're not driving by in a car like you learned physics with egging as a kid. Like you were just like, OK, I'm turning this corner at this speed. I'm trying to hit that door in a car. Really? You can throw them out of a car. No, neither did I. OK, so Katy Perry says she feels like a human pinata. That's because you are a human pinata.

I don't know how to break it to people that this is your job. Because the only reason I'm talking about this, it seems like a niche thing to talk about, someone who's famous, who's dealing with backlash. Everyone wants to be famous. I think it's 80% of young people want to be influencers. So I do feel like this is relevant. And everyone within your own town has some kind of fame. I'm just saying, no one likes you, any of you. We don't want anyone to be famous anymore.

for any other reason than to attack them. That's the whole point. That's the new thing. You thought we were just going to like you forever? Name one celebrity. We canceled John Wayne like a year ago.

He'd been dead for 30 years. It was not, we couldn't let him just have it. Nobody gets out alive. No one, even the dead people don't get out alive. Mother Teresa. We'll dig you up. Did you see Mother Teresa? There's this whole thing about how she's like, Mother Teresa is not a girl's girl. It's like, what? Mother Teresa. I mean, she was like a monster, but you cannot curse on this, babe.

It's a family show. It's a family show. I can do this, though. I've done commentary. Stop caring if people like you. They don't. There's something very freeing in just going, nobody likes you. They never did. The only reason they liked you in the beginning was because they wanted to build you up just so they could smash you. You have to hang the pinata first. Yeah.

before you hit it with liking anyone is just hanging the pinata. Okay. They got Morgan Friedman. Okay. They couldn't just let him live out the last 10 years of his life. They were like, he was flirty with his makeup people. He was a creep. I actually met someone who did his makeup once. And I was like, so did he like flirt with you the whole time? She goes, yeah, I loved it. Yeah. That's called charming in my book. I think it's a book.

I think it's important that everyone understands that the only way to achieve being liked is to die. I don't make up the rules. You got to die early. If Marilyn Monroe lived three more years, we'd be like, wow. She's wearing a lot of makeup, setting a bad example for young girls. That's a steep price, though, I'll tell you. Is it? Death? Death?

I think people are killing themselves trying to be like people. 400 people has fallen off cliffs taking selfies. Why are we the only person that cares about that? No one thinks that's weird. And nobody likes a selfie. You're doing it for nothing. And I think as they're going down, they're like, that was worth it. They go. No, no, no, no. I thought I was going to die once. I told you this and I told you what I said, right? I you probably almost died.

Yeah, a lot. But did you ever think you were going to die and said something right before and you didn't die? Yeah. What would you say? Can't say it. Like, skate or die. Oh, oh, oh. ChrisCobraCole.com. I was falling off of a fence, and between the fence, there was like a ravine between the fence and this concrete wall, so I was basically going to, whatever, slam my head and break my neck. And I'm falling, and I went, not like this.

The point is no one likes you. Just enjoy it. Enjoy your life. There's nothing you can do. She made some mistakes. Okay. She used to wear cupcakes on her boobs. You can't stop doing that. She's also, I'm going to say this with like the only way I know how to say it. She's for China. She's not for us.

I've always watched her and been like, this girl knows what she's doing. There's no one in America. There's no one here. And everyone here is like, I want to listen to Fiona Apple on a record. Like, we're like dorks. We're like Joni Mitchell again. She's not on Spotify. What am I going to do? Most of the world's in China. And they want their pop star in front of fake pyramids doing this. And she does it.

She will do this. She will appropriate. That's what people want. And pop stars won't appropriate anymore. Billie Eilish is running around dressed like Adam Sandler. No, China's like, what? That's not what we're doing. Can you dress up like a mermaid and get underwater immediately? We will give you all of our money. Watch all of Katy Perry's. She has people dressing as sharks. She understands the assignment. And the assignment is China. Her new show, the way she's running, that's just...

It's just my wrong. No, it's it's a small world ride at Disney. That's it. She went to space. So when she goes to China next, she can be like, I saw you guys from space. I saw you up there. She's a business woman. Also, people like her tour sucks. Now I want to go see it. I have a hard time believing that Beyonce was in town for four days. I didn't go. Her and I have the same birthday. I don't want to go see someone be perfect. I don't want to leave being like, I'll never be able to do that. Why am I? My hips don't work. I want to leave going. I could do that.

No one cares if something's good. Name a good movie. Anyone. Wedding Singer. Die Hard? Nice. What? Oh, yeah. Pat, what's the best movie? Dumb and Dumber. Cable Guy. Face it. I believe that anything... You guys just named truly the four worst movies on the planet, and that's my point. Joe Dirt. See? No one wants a good... Citizen Kane? Don't care. Couldn't sit through it. Snore.

Okay, showgirls. I used to go to interactive screenings $80 I had a bag full of all the stuff I'd throw at the screen. It was just bras. No one wants good Why is everyone around trying to be so good? Katy Perry figured that out like why am I doing these Kegels all day and trying to do the just? Run around with a lightsaber. Everyone's on drugs. Anyway, if you don't think her show is good You're just not doing enough. You're a dork What about her movie?

Katy Perry has a movie? Yeah, huh? Katy Perry, Part of Me, 2012. Put it on right now. Don't ride elephants. Name a business where someone's perfect all the time. If Elizabeth Holmes...

The food sucked.

Would have gone over like Gangbuster. She'd be a hero. She'd have a dear media podcast. She'd be a truth teller and be on panels about empowerment with Meghan Markle. We want a whistleblower. We want a squeaky wheel. I don't know. Why am I sort of I'm like really defensive of Katy Perry, because if she was blonde, we'd be like, what a cutie. Brunettes aren't allowed to be dumb. If Sydney Sweeney did anything Katy Perry is doing, we'd be like, oh, God, she's just like, how does she do it all?

How does she get it all done? What a girl's girl. Look at her being a girl's girl going on a spaceship with all those gals. My kink is delusional confidence. I love it. Tate McRae makes me feel bad. I don't like skill. I look at Katy Perry and I'm like, I can try that later. I could be a pop star. No one wants anything good anymore. Name one person that won a gold medal in the Olympics last year.

Ray Gunn. That's all we care about. Ray Gunn won the Olympics. I dressed up as her for Halloween. She's also my hero. Oh, hey, y'all. I mean, look at me. I don't need to give my summer wardrobe a serious upgrade. I mean, I did buy this on Etsy, and it is a shirt with tassels and medallions on it that was for sure owned by a cat breeder.

Alabama. And I do love it, but when I wear stuff like this, I get texts from my friends that say, are you okay? So I'm thinking about getting a little bit more adult with my outfit. So I'm going to upgrade. And the only way I'm going to upgrade is with Quince. They've got 100% European linen shorts and dresses starting at $30. Luxury swimwear, Italian leather platform sandals, a ton of elevated basics that somehow make

make me look all pulled together without even trying, even with this personality. Here's the kicker. Everything is priced 50 to 80% less than you would find at similar brands. It's because Quince works directly with the top tier factories and cuts out the middleman, not kids. Fingers off. So you're going to get luxury quality, no retail markup. They also

Only work with safe, ethical, and responsible factories. And all of the fabrics and finishes feel great. They're just, I'm not even going to say, they're like great. Like actually, Quince is like amazing. I'm obsessed with the jewelry, the luggage. I got all these like little cardigan sweaters because I'm like 90s dream girl vibes these days. And I got a lot of navy stuff. I'm over black, very into navy. Treat your closet to a summer glow up. Go to quince.com slash Whitney for free shipping. Also, they have men's stuff too. So get your guys clothes.

together. 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash Whitney. Quince dot com slash Whitney. Blissy, you might not realize it, but your pillowcase could be messing with your hair and your skin. Blissy fixes all of it. Blissy makes 100% mulberry silk pillowcases. No cheap satin, no harsh cotton, just dermatologist recommended silk that helps reduce breakouts, frizz, dryness, even fine lines while you sleep.

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I take a silk pillow with me. I'm not willing to age 45 years because I, you know, willy nilly ran out the door and slept on some pillow, you know, that some scam that leeches all the moisture out of my skin. And now I've got I love no one loves crows more than me. I don't want their feet on my face. There's tons of colors and patterns, including their new Harry Potter line. What?

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I think we need to stop panicking. What I'm about to say is exactly what dermatologists told me when I was 14, when they were putting me on Accutane. They said it will get worse before it gets better. So they should have just said your face is going to look like a bloody pastry for homecoming and prom. The point is, it's all going to get worse before it gets better. This whole thing here in the USA. It's going to get worse. But...

We can't look at it that way. Everything that is happening now that is so dumb in America, it's the apocalypse. It's working for us. This is there's a reason nobody messes with us. It's not because they respect us.

Oh, no. China kind of messes with us, but I think we actually like it. It's like our kink. We have this weird humiliation, like masochism with them. What I'm saying is maybe the stupid things that drive us nuts about America are actually why the aliens aren't destroying us. They were too confusing.

Honestly, they might just take pity on us. Everything is so insane. I do think this is a deterrent. The aliens are like, oh, yeah, we don't need to destroy them. They're already destroying themselves. The aliens are probably going to destroy us when we start to gain on them technology wise. Right. So if they witnessed us send some people to space and everyone was like, screw you. They're like, oh, they don't want to progress. They think it's lame.

when someone... We all hate tech inventors. We hate progress. They're like, we don't have to worry about this because anytime someone does something amazing, we're like, loser. They send their pop stars to space to a mission that is the sea quest of the sky. It would be bullying. How do you kill a species of people who put chemicals in their own water and then drink it? How do you

How do you oppress a species who self-confines? Humans could live in the woods free with nature, but we pay money to live in boxes next to other people. They're like complain about how we don't have enough room. Aliens are like they voluntarily live like pigs divided by very thin walls. How do you imprison a species who doesn't want freedom? Pity is a good defense strategy. It's like when you're about to break up with a guy.

You know, because you saw on his phone that like, you know, he got nudes or something and you stormed down to confront him. But you find him trying to assemble a desk from Ikea and you're like, he's been there for hours. He's like throwing things on YouTube, getting a chore. You can't help but be like, oh, man, how can I be mad at you? You're too dumb to...

Make a choice. I don't. There's no way you orchestrated this. Somebody took advantage of you. Yeah, like this side is bullying you. I'm saying, yes, civilization is collapsing, but I actually think it's kind of protecting us in the short run, you know, like whether it's like foreign adversaries or aliens. I feel like they saw Katy Perry's new tour and they were like, wait, guys, let's not kick them while they're down. This feels like the last leg shake of life. They're like, is it dead? Like they saw a simple favor, too. And they were like, wait.

They're letting Blake Lively keep making movies. Wait, Amber Heard is making movies in Spain. There's no point in hurting these people. They'll just forgive us. You can't hurt people who won't let themselves be hurt because they're so checked out mentally due to the constant barrage of chaos that they're too desensitized and obsessed with their brand to even care. It's a power move. You can't hurt a species of people who voluntarily do CrossFit. Are you listening to what I'm saying?

You know only 18% of people under 30 drink now. We're raw-dogging this life by choice. We've chosen to be awake during this nightmare. The aliens saw that Zuckerberg said that humans only have three friends and they were just like, oh God, these poor things. Killing them would be like, you know, too kind. Mark Zuckerberg went on The Yvonne Show and said the average American has three friends.

I don't agree. Literally three days a week, I have to tell people I'm on a plane when I'm not on a plane because I don't have time for all my friends that I love. And this is my personality. And that's how many friends I have. Can you make one that helps cleanse our friends that we can't stop being friends with, that we're friends without an obligation? A race book.

Shark Tank. Mark Zuckerberg wants to make fake friends. I have enough fake friends for everyone to go around. Suck. I'll give you some of my fake friends if they ever get back from Coachella. It's been over a month. They're still there. They can't find their charger. He literally said you can make AI friends. No, we don't. No. First of all,

If people don't have friends right now, it's because we lost them because of your thing that you made and how cringe all of our friends looked on social media. It's because we found out that we muted each other on your platform and it ruined our friendship. You did this. OK, my friend wore the same top and three posts and I had to mute them. We did this day already. You can't go back to that top.

That's a carousel. That's not a solo. That's not a solo post three times. That's a carousel. Janine...

Okay? You ruined all of our friendships by showing us the most cringe, desperate side of all of our friends. You revealed to us through meta, Facebook, whatever you dorks call it, that our friend was hanging out with the friend that we don't like. And I saw it. So now I can't be... People lost friends because we saw each other's Instagram feed. And we can't be friends with people who talk to camera and say, hey guys, you did that. I can't be friends with a guy who calls his wife his rock. I can't...

be friends with Mark anymore. He's 40 and he uses a smoothing filter. This is your fault. I'm with you all the time. And you just said that you get asked all the time, what products do you use for your hair? And I know that that's not true because I'm with you all the time. That's so funny.

everyone keeps asking me where this top is from oh my boob just came out sorry everybody keeps asking me where this top is from you guys also mark zuckerberg remember when you start a company with your friends and then sued them and took it remember when you actually had friends the winklevoss guys and they're how did you manage to be meaner than the german people

You hurt a German person's feelings. Do you know how hard that is to do? You did that. I feel like if you think a person needs more than three friends, all you're doing is revealing to everyone that you don't listen to hip-hop. Every song is literally keep your circle tight. No fake friends. He's like, I'm making fake friends. Hey, Zuck, maybe stop listening to Imagine Dragons for five minutes and get some rap music on your playlist. When rap comes on, does he just sprint out of the room? Okay, so Mike just...

told me that Mark Zuckerberg did a song with T-Pain. I don't agree. Keep your circle big. Like, pulling that acquaintance into your inner circle. Trust everyone. Like, it's... Invest more in that friendship. Like, yeah. If you see someone, just, that's your friend now. I also don't think we need more than three friends.

More than three friends was only a thing before we got siloed into custom algorithms and we needed people to help us carry hay. No one needs more than three friends. That was because your baby was going to die. So what's friends? What is friends? No one has anything in common anymore. You can't be friends with someone in a different algorithm. It's just too confusing. Dear friends of mine, we can't even have a conversation. They'll be like, hey, did you see that P. Diddy was proven innocent? I'm like, that's not what I saw.

I don't know what you've been Googling to get that news, but we're not the same. All of a sudden, we have nothing in common. There's also too much stuff. There's too many TV shows, too many movies. There's maybe three people max who have seen all the same movies and TV shows as you that you have shared references with at this point. I can't have friends anymore. I'll be like, hey, did you hear the new Avril Lavigne song? They're like, she's been dead for 10 years and replaced by a girl named Melissa. I'm like...

I was your bridesmaid. We used to read the same newspaper, listen to the same music, you know? Now it's like, did you hear that new Sabrina Carpenter song? They're like, she's a man, right? I'm like, what? I'm like, should we visit Greenland on our trip to Australia? They're like, Greenland? You mean the 51st state in America? Friendship's done. It's you and your phone now. Unless you go to space, in which case you get to have some girlfriends, but only in space. Get with the times, you guys. Nothing normal will ever happen again.

We don't have friends anymore. Social media, your inventions up ruined the idea of friendship because now our friends see us do our job. You know how weird that is that your friends see you do your job that never should have happened. It used to be your friend has a job.

I don't know what happens at your job. I don't care what happens at your job. We hang out. You complain sometimes about your job. And at their funeral, you learn, okay, they ran Philip Morris. All right. All right. I mean, I knew their coworker, you know, Pam ate your yogurt at the office. I like ruined the Christmas party. I didn't hear about the marketing cigarettes to children part that didn't come up at the baby shower.

Now our friends see us do our jobs, what we get paid to do. Like my friends can't see me at work. They can't watch me podcast or do stand up. Friends can't handle it. They can't handle what we do for money. They shouldn't have to. All my friends are like, did you see Whitney on CNN New Year's Eve? She talked about fluoride being in the water. Yeah, okay. Then send me back the diptych candle. Never got a thank you for that, but I got a are you okay text.

Google the two chefs. I'm not lying. Two chefs died. I didn't do this. I was so shocked too. That's why I said it. At least re-gift the candle to me next year. How about we hang out? Take worrying about your friends as the new being someone's friend. During the pandemic, my friends were like, Whitney has blue hair. Everyone's like, are you okay? You have blue hair. I'm like, you weren't worried when I kept my hair brown so that Hollywood producers and casting directors would like me and put me in a mediocre TV show?

That's when you thought I was mentally healthy? Going on CNN and calling out stories established media would never cover is funny. That's just funny. There's this thing now where if someone does something brave anymore, everyone thinks they've gone insane. Like someone trying to make you less brave is not your friend. I miss friends that pushed each other to do wild things. That's a friend. Real friends go like, yeah, date that guy with the Firestone tire tattoo.

on his neck. Yeah. Get out of your system. Let's go jump off that thing. Jump off the thing. Let's go see if snapping turtles lift their bites really do nick the bone. That's what I heard. Should we see? That's a friend. Let's go put Mentos and Pepsi on a plane. That's a friend. Okay, now friends are like, I saw your latest post. Are you okay? Are you okay? That you haven't muted me yet? Why are you watching me at work? Okay.

I'm at work, you weirdo. My work is online. I don't come watch you write your briefs or whatever you do for a living. Be like, hey, how's it going in here? How's your brief? My posts aren't for my friends and Katy Perry is not for us. Babe, where were you 20 minutes ago when I was trying to say all this?

showing up. Zuck, dude, you, this is your fault, dude. You made an app that made everyone stop being lit. Friends aren't lit anymore. Okay. How about everyone get cool again and we'll start going back to human friends. Zuck doesn't have friends because he's, because well, well, first of all, Zuck doesn't have friends now because it's too awkward because no one knows if thread is still an app or not and they don't want to ask.

And you just you can't sit in an ice bath on the Internet and expect to have friends. You have to pick one, dude. You can't pay to be in an MMA fighter camp and just stand there on national TV in a uniform and think anyone can talk to you with a straight face like you. That was you. Just do things that make people want to be your friend. Stop wearing a white T-shirt every day. It's insulting. Stop trying to make a uniform happen.

Steve Jobs at least picked something an adult would wear. It's like when sociopaths try to figure out how to behave. They're like, hey, I'll wear this white shirt. All right. Like that's literally what the person emoji wear. He dresses like the person emoji. He like saw. Tom from MySpace. Just stole Tom from MySpace's shirt. He did. Totally did. He's like, okay, top friends. Let me dress like the top friend everyone has. Look.

My boyfriend, I know, is sitting here in a white shirt. I see the irony of what I'm saying. But if you want to run the world and program all of our brains, you're going to have to wear a button at some point. He dresses like he's at the sleepover party nobody invited him to in high school. It's like the simulation sleepover party. How about you go to quince.com, promo code Whitney, get yourself a shirt. Do you remember when Zuckerberg tried to fight Elon Musk?

Mental. We just let this slide. Why don't we talk about this every day? See, dude, this is your problem. You couldn't just be his friend. That was your shot at having a friend and you blew it. It's the only other alien. Only two people who could talk to it. You couldn't just grab a bite. You couldn't just both use a laser to hunt your dinner in your tunnel or whatever. I don't know. Talk about real estate on Mars and ketosis or whatever. Like, talk about it.

Talk about how hard it is to Western Union your handmaids. No. Like commiserating. What do humans do? They fight. Yeah. Let's fight. You could like commiserate about how women are so dramatic when you tell them you're casually putting embryos in your employees on a weekly basis. There's a lot to discuss there. No, you couldn't just do that. You couldn't just be his buddy and sauna together and go look at the Titanic at the bottom of the ocean like a normal billionaire. You had to be like, should we fight on a live stream? You had to be weird.

You could have just gone to space and hung out, but no, you had to challenge him to a duel. But I don't want to be negative. So I think it's time to share some great news. Great news. A man that was paralyzed from a stroke was able to speak with new technology. I believe it was Neuralink. This is amazing. I will say there are some people who should not hear their parents speak to them after they've had strokes.

Some of us didn't have parents who would use this technology to say something kind. I just if you guys are inventing this, let's just like do a little caveat that the children get to have a say in whether or not they spend a thousand dollars for their parents to finally be able to speak again, only to tell them they're a surprise for no reason. Don't really need to sink money into my mom on her deathbed telling me I should wear more lip gloss because that's what she did. She eked it out.

At the buzzer. Great news. A truck carrying $800,000 of dimes flipped over in Texas and dimes went everywhere. Millions of dimes just north of Dallas. You had left a strip club?

I don't know. My question, though, is armored vehicles, if they just flip over and just dump all the money out, that doesn't seem right. Right? So they just threw $800,000 worth of dimes on a normal Peterbilt and just let it flip? What's a Peterbilt? It's like a Mack truck. Then why did you say that? Because I wanted to be cooler. It made sense. It was so specific that the people that got it would think it was funnier.

You know. I know what you mean. That was my good news. Okay. This is how much I love Chris. I was like, oh, do you want to come with some good news topics? And it was that Nichols fell on the freeway and that woodpeckers are smashing car windows. In Massachusetts. I was like,

What website are you on Sesame Street dot org? Like, where do you get your news? Silly goose dot net. Like what website? What algorithm are you in? I'm looking for this type of news. You get the news I want to read on the on the at the break. Apple dot com. Yeah. At the break room at Toys R Us. Like, where do you get this news?

I just asked somebody at Party City. I'm like, heard anything? I'm like, I don't. You got your ear to the streets, Donna. I just went to a news site and watched people perish in the Ukraine war live. Like, where are you getting your news? I can't take that. I Google weird news. You Googled weird news. And then booyonkers, all of it came up.

What was up with the woodpeckers? So there was a woodpecker like invasion in this town in Massachusetts and they're fighting their reflection in car windows and smashing the windows.

which I feel like is just teenagers getting away with smashing a bunch of windows. And they're like, what that goes? That is so funny. I love when you're like, that's not what it's like enough teenagers were like, there's these woodpeckers. Yeah. Like the police chief's son is the one smashing windows. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's like grab the football out and then just like these woodpeckers. There's goes one now.

But woodpeckers don't fight other woodpeckers. You know what I'm saying? They do in Massachusetts. That's so Boston. No need to Google it. More great news. A boat full of influencers sank. Now, can you imagine being an influencer and going on this boat and it just worked?

There's no content in things going well. This is what I'm trying to get you guys. We need to retrain our brains to be grateful when things go wrong. That's the only currency we have left. Things going wrong runs the economy. That's why we went into a recession because things were going well. Things going badly, that's where the money is. It's called a sitcom, situational comedy. Thanks, babe. I was always, I always wondered what those were. Our economy, our economy's in the gutter.

Because things aren't going badly enough. OK, the boat repairman just got a job. Yeah. Did the influencers get, you know, folliculitis? Yeah, they did. Don't look at things going bad as bad news. This will help boost the economy when things go wrong. That's what that's when things get sold. Band-Aids, pills, superglue.

Not enough things go wrong, right? That's why they make batteries last two days because they know you're never going to drop the thing and break it. So they have to make the thing suck. So you buy more and more and more.

I buy a battery every day now. I just bought batteries. If more things would just go wrong, maybe stuff would be made better in the first place so they don't have to rely on things going wrong to make money. This is the mentality you need to survive and understand capitalism. I need you guys to just understand when something goes wrong, you have content. You have a story. You have a post. Was anyone talking about Katy Perry before this? I'm just saying I'm going to her show.

No one wants to hear about anything else. If it's going right, no one cares. If you just let the boat sink, you will have more than three friends. Are you listening? Okay. They better know how to swim. If someone's like, do you want to go out on the boat? I'm like, I don't know. Does it work? They're one of those boats that like gets to the dock and back.

If so, no thanks. Yeah, your boat's a tryhard. Yeah. I need an option to be able to fake my death at some point. Is your boat in or is it out? Machiavelli. Can I rely on your boat to be unreliable? Okay. I need some spontaneity in my relationship with this boat. Great news. An air traffic controller warned travelers to avoid Newark Airport, quote, at all costs.

At all costs. Well, airlines, because they're cutting flights and, you know, he says there's like a shortage of people. Dude, it would be so funny if this guy just did this because he's like, I can't, it's too much. He's like, don't come here. And he's like, he's like my back. I can't. He's just making the schedule. Yeah.

And he's just like, oh, God, I don't want to give up. I also love the idea that someone's like, hey, you guys, do not come to Newark. I work here, and I'm not good at my job. I don't know how to do this. But I have the moral responsibility to tell you. But I lied on my resume, but I really need this job, but I don't want anyone to get hurt. So can you just go to JFK for a couple years until I just get this pension? I need to learn this.

One flight at a time. But also it's like flights are delayed. There's more people traveling than ever. Where are you going? Where's everyone going? Where are you going? Like, which is it? Are we addicted to screens or are we not? Are we only on Zoom and working from home all day or are we traveling more than ever?

We can't handle the amount of air travel happening. Which is it? Are we isolated phone heads who never leave the house? Are we like outdoorsy travelers who are never home? I don't get it. The point is, none of this adds up, but it's great news. Look, I already assumed air travel was unsafe. And now that you say this, I'm like, cool. All I hear is there won't be kids at Newark Airport. The price of a bottle of water has gone down at Newark Airport. This is how you have to read the news because it's all bad. Yeah.

Do you know what I'm saying? They don't report the good. I'm trying to train you guys to understand that all news is good news. I think this is how Scientology operates. I'm not... Maybe... You wouldn't know. I wouldn't know. You didn't get close. They said no, which is great news. You got too close. Great news. The first robot retaliated. This video is so wild. It's a robot, like, fighting back. Oh, God. And...

Don't show it to me. Don't show it. You guys, this is good. Get them. Get them all. Let's just end this before it begins. I kind of wish this was the dire wolf attacking its maker, but this will do for now. Let's just get this out of the way so that the robots can just be in the rearview mirror. They can be like the Apple Pencil. Remember? Remember the Apple Pencil? I use it all the time. You do? Yeah. No way. I use it with the iPad all the time. I draw with it.

Love it. Love it. They still make an Apple Pencil? Yeah. That's so funny. Yeah. Remember like the Palm Pilot with the little stylus? Oh, stylus are gone. The Jawbone Bluetooth, gone. Remember like mini disks? That was the future. The Mophie charging case. It's important that we see that technology that was...

the head things the vr goggles they won't they're not catching on they aren't catching on they're not catching too expensive not only that not only that and if you put them on they weigh down your face and you're gonna it's bad it's you're gonna look older women will never do that also strictly dude also i need to see who's in the room totally women need to see who's in the room

Hey, tech dorks, stop making blindfolds. Stop tricking us into blindfolding ourselves. You creep. I need to know where I am. Okay. It's a general rule. Yeah, I'm not going to buy technology that does this. How about technology that gives me a 360 vision of who's behind me too?

Oh, yeah, like those spy tech glasses in the 80s that had a little mirror on the inside corner. Could you make those so that I'll know if a tech dork is creeping up on me to try to steal my retina? I can make sure the clear kiosk isn't getting me. Chris, how did you feel about our video about you teaching me to skateboard and me defeating you easily? I loved it.

Are you really nervous? Am I forcing you to do this? Two things I love. I do feel like if I watch this, I would think the person was holding their boyfriend captive. No, I love being in here. I would be in that chair if I weren't in this chair. Yeah. I love hanging out. It's super fun. Do you want to talk more? Should I talk less? I'll talk more when I have something to say. The problem is I have something really good to say four seconds too late. Then why don't you go like,

I have something really bad to say four seconds too soon. I don't wait till I have something good to say to say it. I don't have that kind of time. There's no, I mean, it's not about saying something good. What do you, what advice have you learned? Nothing from this episode. No one wants good. That's true. That's not. Have you seen the internet? Yeah. I think it's just like, if you're on the internet, you will be hated.

I have bad news for you, Chris. If they're watching you, they hate you. I realize you are two-time thrasher of the year, skater that wins all the X Games. You win the X Games and stuff. Try hard. Little brother energy. How do I get best when you fall?

That's what they want. That's what they want. You did Trey flip Wallenberg. People are like, he fell 68 times. It's the 68 times. Most of the videos you're following, you land it and you're like, oh, boring. Also, when you land it, it's like, oh, that looks like it was supposed to happen because you went the exact speed and the board flipped exactly right and it was perfectly with you the whole time. Being bad at something is the only way people know it's real.

Because now if you're good at something, people just assume it's AI or assume it's fake or edited or something. Neat. So it's like how photos where your arm is in it taking a selfie does better on social media because they know it's real. Really? Yes. Good is over. And I'm in. This is the end of good. It's not. No one cares, man.

Oh, really? What's the meanest thing you can call someone? A tryhard. Yeah, but everything ebbs and flows. Everything goes through its waves. Think about Green Day. Green Day is so popular. I'd rather not. And then you don't hear from them for a bunch of years. And then there's a new group of eighth graders, and they're super into Green Day again. Green Day will always be there. Why? Why Green Day? Because they're a perfect example. I'm going to bite my tongue because I feel like we just fought about this.

We don't fight. But also, it's... We don't fight. That's actually really funny. There's the Green Day and the Beatles. I just like... I'm sure I'm wrong. And Bob Dylan. I'm sure I'm wrong. You're not wrong about Bob Dylan. We didn't even watch the Cate Blanchett movie where she played Bob Dylan. Who? And then we made another one with Timalee Chalamet. Timalee Chalamet? Tim Chimney? Can someone please interview Cate Blanchett about...

the timothy chalamet movie where he plays bob dylan yeah can we have a screening of both of them at the same time no like a battle of the bands they're both just like they both just got lung cancer for a movie no no one watched the first one played by an actor can you imagine being bob dylan curly hair sunglasses still alive still alive rolling in his grave while he's still alive hold on hold on

You guys think I'm dead. Like, I think... It says dedicated to Bob Dylan at the end. The memory of... He's like, damn. Guys, I love everything you say. I love everything you are. I hope I'm not, like, cutting you off. You're never cutting me off. You actually make great room for me to get in here. I just need to have better things to say. Like, more stories like the dimes and the woodpeckers. I love what your news is, babe. It's just so...

Fantastic. It's like, do you have a, you know, when you put like a blocker on a kid's internet, like, do you think you did that for your kids and forgot to take it off? I just do it for me. And that's what you read? I just immediately just go like, what's silly? Yeah. And they're just like,

I know. Mine, I started because you have to. Okay, so if you want to improve your algorithm, you have to press like on the things you want to see more of and you have to go out of your way to press not interested. Yeah. And I do that now. Like I'm actively working to improve my algorithm. So I'm like, oh, a coyote is hunting with a raccoon. Yes. More please. Yes. I need eye bleach all the time. Eye bleach. Yes. Like I want to see...

I want to see bees that fall asleep inside flowers and their butts are just sticking out of the flower. I think that means they're dead. I'm not trying to be negative. I'm going to stop being negative. I think you're wrong. I just, you know that when we rescue bees from the pool, which is like, I will fully jump in the pool to rescue a bee. I've watched it. And a beekeeper reached out to me because I was like on Instagram once. And they're like, you know, those are like forager bees. And if they're out getting water, that means they're going to die in like five days. And I was like, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. But what if this was the first day of his rumspring? I'm not going to like I need him to like he's going to get like Timothy Chalamet and Bob Dylan and be like, you're going to die soon anyway. Do you know how long your day would feel if you were just drinking water out of a pool the entire day? Like five days of doing that is so long. Your brain is so funny, babe. I love you guys. Don't write elephants. And I will be looking at the chapter descriptions.

Chat GBT. Timothy Chilmey. I wonder what they're going to describe that exchange as. Two robots talking.