Numb and Number | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 291
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Action! Hey folks. Hey there. Where have you been all my life? What a dork. Don't laugh at that, Pat. You're enabling mediocrity. Okay. Hey guys, it's me. How do you start a podcast? How does anyone start? Why does anybody start?

unclear, truly unclear. Wait, is there an option to not? I mean, at this point, having a podcast is like having a website. No, it's like having a driver's license. Like you, it's mandatory. Yeah. It's like a real ID. So this was the week we were going to do a full AI episode where whatever, who, who, who does, who takes it? ChatGPT? Who was going to do it? No. Well, I, I did some dry runs in ChatGPT and it's so terrible. Sexist? None of it's funny.

For starters. So people might go like, that's it? Is this like Reddit's version of how they think I sound? It doesn't even talk like you because there's no memory. So when you use ChatGPT, you cannot give the website the...

data set that it needs to actually kind of start sounding like you why not why not why not it's like google when you when you google something you say like here here's what i would like google to tell me it's not like there's a terabyte of media that it's pat throws the word terabyte around like oh like you tried to download 60 terabytes to your laptop whitney was like hey just got a new laptop but it's saying it's full what's going on

And she synced it to her Dropbox. I was downloading the internet. I was just downloading the entire World Wide Web on my computer. From the hotel room. You know, I think it's important that we listen to men talk about AI and the website you were just talking about because I do think it is a way that women are able to understand what

what it feels like for a man to listen to a woman tell a story about what happened at Lindsay's wedding. It's like I'm trying so hard to not like go like disassociate. Speaking of long stories and getting to the point, I'd like to unveil today's shirt. Oh no, oh no, Pat. Never known for wasting anyone's time. This should be on OnlyFans as you're taking...

Never known to waste anyone's time, Mr. Norm MacDonald. Okay, hold on. Is it an act of aggression when your podcast producer shows up wearing a shirt of a better comedian? Just trolling me like, be as good as this guy. This is a vintage Norm MacDonald shirt. Yeah, he's in no rush. I demand you give me immediately. He's in no rush. Norm has really gotten like...

Famous since he died. Yeah. He's all over. He has a bright future. Yeah, Twitter now. And here's the thing. I mean, people are like all these new comedy influencers and they suck and da-da-da. Don't worry. Everyone knows.

Everyone knows the fact that Norm Macdonald is in my feed more than he was when he was alive as a testament. People are like this suck. I'm going back to the stuff I missed from these other great comics, or I'm just going to watch that thing again instead of watch this new person. Legend has it. There's still some punchlines that are being built up.

from one of his long stories. That's so funny. People are like, oh, there's new comics stuck on the internet. And they're like, yeah, it just helps, you know, the great ones that have died get more and more streams. They help us. I'm dead. They help us once we've died and our ghosts. Working on it right now. The fact that I grew myself in with dead comedians is so telling. Yeah.

Dead inside doesn't count. Okay, so Pat, can I at least deliver on the promise that I will read some podcast copy that was made by putting in a bunch of my podcasts and what they generated? I took 200 episodes of the show and I...

I made a program that would go rip the transcripts, put it in a text library. But only because I've had guests. They're not going to put the guests in. Yeah, it can identify who's speaking. I love that. I'm like, but can they tell the difference between a man and a woman? Because a lot of people in L.A. can't. There's a software that will consider that library of you speaking for hundreds of hours when it decides to comment on something. And so I have a thing you can paste in an article.

And hit generate script. There's sliders for like how sincere, how sarcastic, things like that. Why would the AI know what sarcasm is? How do they know how to turn up sarcasm? I've been giving it references and feedback. But I just mean, do you know what I'm saying? Because sarcasm is saying something true to...

With an inflection and like, how do they know what sarcasm even is? Like, like children are not born understanding sarcasm. I think we both think about words as in some ways like math and toys and like you can play with words and saying something in a certain order. I consider them weapons, Pat. Yes, exactly.

And so because of that, these language models are able to reference what they've been told is sarcasm. By who? By who? By the dorks in Silicon Valley that don't understand sarcasm and don't have a sense of humor?

This is where I get tripped up, where you go like, oh, it's going to be like, you know, human, but what humans is it based on? Is it all the Zooms that we did that they were taking? Remember, we were all doing Zooms and they were like, oh, you didn't read the small print of what you were agreeing to. We've been recording all of you to train AI. So all of AI is just going to be like, oh, no.

Like pretend, like awkward small talk. That's the thing is that everything is going to be a reflection of us when we've been being recorded. And when you're being recorded, you don't act authentic. All the information they're getting is from us being like on camera being like, hey, what's up, guy? Like that's not. Yeah. Within this software, I have I made a feedback window and I'm having it print small sections. Pat, I will start talking about my period if you don't figure out a way to get me to understand this.

I literally miss Dropbox now. When you just said feedback window, wouldn't it be a feedback loop? Like a suggestion box at the restaurant. The restaurant? Yeah, at the restaurant. You have a little box by the hostess.

And you can drop a comment card in there. You go to Chuck E. Cheese too much. I haven't been to a restaurant since 94. I haven't either, but I'm pretty sure restaurants don't have boxes with pencils for feedback. I don't think this is a thing. It was pre-Yelp. Yeah, exactly. I don't think that's a thing. So I'm leaving Yelps for it. Okay. Every time it does something, I leave a little Yelp review of what it did. Okay. And then it creates rules. Like whenever it says something that you would never say, like, well, there you go, folks.

I quote it and I say, never say this. Something I would never say, like, this study is valid. Things Whitney would never say. I agree with the professionals. Things Whitney would never say. I say, don't ever say that. Timothy Chalamet. Don't ever pronounce anything correctly. Someone did leave a comment and just went, how come you can't pronounce anybody's name? I don't know.

I really am trying to just speech impediments are not a joke. I told you this like podcasting. I never did it because I was like, you guys, I can't speak unless I practiced for like a year to be able to talk in front of everyone for an hour. And this is just thrown together. And I just I don't know my tongue like boycotts. My tongue is scared of my teeth. Do you blame it? I get lost in those teeth. It's like pulling teeth, trying to get me to start reading my tour dates.

Guys, I'm on tour. As you know, I'm coming to Winnipeg, Canada, Halifax, Canada. I'm going to be in Calgary. And then in September, right after my birthday, who cares about anyone's birthday? What's the age where your birthday is not? Who cares? I've never gotten into it. We need to figure out the happy medium between people who their birthday is their whole identity and they spend a month celebrating it.

Or the people that like totally just ignore it. One time I went to dinner with this like movie producer, this woman. Awesome. And we're like having a great time, whatever. She's cool. But I have to go, you know, to the comedy store to do stand up afterwards. So I was like, all right, I got to head out. And I was like, what are you doing? You know, after this, I don't know what to say to people. And she goes, oh, well, it's my birthday. So I'm probably going to just head to a bar. And I was like, that was your birthday dinner.

Like you can't you know, you can't just like drop that on me at the end that I was your birthday plan. Thanks for a wonderful birthday. Yeah, I was on my phone most of the time, like showing you videos of Marcel. Would you have acted differently if you knew? I wouldn't have done it. I would have been like, I don't I'm not there's too much pressure. Yeah, like I don't I don't know you like that.

They got what they wanted for their birthday, though. Yeah. Like, I'm not like, what do I do? Like, I don't I would have jumped out of a cake. I don't know what I would have done. But it was just this weird thing where I was like, you can't just like let people don't go to work on your birthday. Don't like I was also the person because my birthday is September 4th. It was always the first day of school.

So I would like be hanging out with kids or whatever. And, you know, when kids are like, when's your birthday? Labor Day. Yeah. And I'd be like, it's now. And they'd be like, what? Like the horror of finding out. Yeah. You're someone's entertainment on their birthday or like you're the hang. The horror. Yeah.

And they're like, oh, my God, we have to do like what? We're going to recess. Like, what do you mean? It's like a trauma dump. Yeah. I'm about to get a dodgeball, you know, knocked into my face at reset. Like, don't like what? Anyway, people are so desperate to connect now. Like, tell me your birthday, Pat. No, it's July 30th. July 30th.

wait are we best friends yeah like you're just like yeah like not really you know when you see people try to connect over their birthday they're like cool sick i don't know anyway so i'm embarrassed that i said that ridgefield will be after my birthday but it will be the day after my birthday i might be in a crisis i don't know how birthdays go moving forward i might i don't know yeah like i might have like some kind of epiphany i might you know you i think you might wake up

Feel a year older? I'll be a day older. Yeah. You're not a year older on your birthday. You're a day older. You'll really be feeling 38. I don't know. I feel like I'm Benjamin Buttoning a little bit. I think so, too. I think so. I don't know what it is. I think it was to stop getting Botox. You look... Ringles. See? I can't say... Ringles. Ringles. Ringles. Ringles are now a sign of youth.

Because girls get Botox so young now that me not having Botox and having wrinkles, I look like a tot. Only *** Miles will talk to me at this point. I'm glad that I waited to stop getting Botox until I actually could convey happiness. Like, I'm glad I masked the emotions from the past 10, 15 years. If I stopped getting Botox five years ago, it would have been a bummer.

It was like a defense shield for a little while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now it's like, you know, I actually have laugh lines to speak of. Yeah, well, it's good for Henry to see your expressions on the face. They are saying, by they, I mean the non-binary scientists studying this, but that kids are having trouble reading facial expressions and hence communicating with their facial expressions if the mom has a frozen face. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway.

I'm going to bring my child, Face Science, to Huntington, New York on September 6th. That'll be in Vancouver, Canada. Richmond, Virginia, I'll be there September 19th. The 20th, Norfolk, Virginia. Toronto, Ontario. Baltimore, Maryland. Arkansas, I'll be in two cities in Arkansas. Reading, Pennsylvania. Philly, go birds. Let's go. Then Fort Lauderdale and New Orleans. Let's get into it. Let's talk about the fact that I was in Vegas this weekend. So were you, Pat. Yeah, I love going to Vegas. We went there to emotionally gamble. Yeah.

and lost quite a bit. Did it feel weird? The whole trip or your show? There was something spooky. There was something abandoned feeling about Vegas. It just feels like it's not open. It just felt like it wasn't open yet. Places that are an epicenter of entertainment right now just feel a little weird because what actually entertains us is changing. Like professional entertainers are kind of out

You know what I mean? Like someone who puts on a suit and rehearses like when you're at your talent show. OK, jazz hands like there's something just a little like odd about it and sad. I don't know. Like, OK, you dedicated your life to entertaining me like quite obsessed with me. Like people literally go to Vegas now to see DJs because DJs don't try hard. People want to go see someone who's like doing what we could kind of do ourselves, like what our older brother does, like

You know, like on weekends, like in the parking lot for his friends, they're like, we'll go to Vegas as long as it means we can watch someone play other people's music. I don't want to see someone playing instruments like, OK, saxophone guy, like cringe. I don't want to see someone singing into a microphone. Like what a dork. Pick me, dork. Like what? Like what? Like what? OK, guitar hero. Like people want to go to Vegas now to watch a man press play.

Stop. That is the only version of entertainment that girls will put glitter on their face for anymore. All these entertainers in Vegas have a backwards because they they're delusional. They think that they're the star of the show. They're not. People bring their phones because they're the star of their show. And it just happens to be filming at your show. Vegas is just in the background of their show like this.

You go to Chippendales and you're like, guys, stop stealing my thunder. Like you're in my shot. Stop stealing my thunder from down under. Quiet on set. Can't you see I'm shooting a show here? Like, hey, Jennifer Lopez, can you quiet down? I'm trying to live stream me at your concert. Hey, Barry Manilow, can you play some songs that I actually know?

So I can lip sync to it so it becomes a trending song? No one knows you. You're not getting me in the algorithm, dude. I paid to see her show. The least you can do is get me in the algorithm. Like, there's just such a weird contract happening now because people are taking their phones to document themselves at their show. I'm only here so that my ex knows I'm thriving. You're not here to entertain me, Jennifer Lopez, Barry Manilow. You're here to pay off your taxes, bitch.

Because you couldn't figure out the Caymans deal. Your business manager stole from you and you have to pay California taxes because who else is going to pay for Gavin Newsom's home tanning bed? You don't want to be here either. Did you see it?

Did you see Mariah Carey's Vegas shows? She's just like sitting on a couch, like kind of singing. I mean, look, I would way rather watch a celebrity not give a hundred. That's so much more fascinating to me personally. But I think that acts like that, they kind of know they're like, you guys, what am I going to be like choreograph a dance? Like you don't want that. Frankie Valli has been doing the wax figure tour for a while. Who's going to be the first performer to get busted for having an android tattoo?

do a show for them. Whitney Cummings. That is too. And no one will be mad. They will be like, this is better. The Bearclaw tour. I'm telling you. Why not? Truly, why not? You know me. I have to micromanage. So I'll be up doing the marionette. I'll be there. I'll be in front row. Biggest fan.

Shouting out the punchline. I wrote that. Isn't she doing great? You guys, realsies for realsies. I use this. It's called Huel. It's a ready to drink like lunch. I just look. I have a child. It's whack-a-mole at this point. Just trying to get food into my mouth. I'm obsessed with Huel. This episode is sponsored by Huel. If your mornings are chaotic,

They said it better than I did. Theirs was better.

Okay. They did a good job. No cooking, no cleanup. Just grab it and go. The best part, it actually, no, it does taste good. I take it with me on the road. I put it in my bag so that when I get to my hotel, I can have a Huel and my hair will not start falling out the next day. It's not just healthy. It's designed to save time and money too. Each bottle costs less than $5, keeps you full and focused for hours. Because honestly, food is like canceled.

Here's the deal. New customers get 15% off with code Whitney and Huel, H-U-E-L dot com slash Whitney, W-H-I-T-N-E-Y. No one has time to chew food anymore. Who has that kind of time? Skip the stress, but not the nutrition. Squarespace. Squarespace is still with us. This is shocking. Hey, Squarespace. Is this the make good? I don't know. Maybe they just like hanging around now. Okay, so Squarespace did give us some feedback on the episode where I kind of...

shamed them for... You welcomed them back. I welcomed them back. They were our sponsor during the pandemic. I don't know what I did to scare them away, but they came back and I just, you know...

I don't hold a grudge. I just, you know. You only roast the ones you love. Pat gets me, man. Squarespace is a website builder for creators. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. If you've been meaning to build a personal website, which you really have to, how is anyone that you match with on a dating app going to be able to judge you before you even meet?

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AI generate the person that the website is for. Yeah. I definitely want a new website, but I also need to be a new, I need a new personality. Can you handle, please handle. I've used Squarespace myself. Of course, it's all of our websites over here. It made the whole process fast, intuitive. And honestly, it's, it's actually like fun. It's like,

Even I can do it. That should be the tagline. Even Whitney can use it. Head to Squarespace, S-Q-U-A-R-E-S-B-A-C-E dot com slash Whitney for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use code Whitney. Please. I don't want to lose Squarespace again. So embarrassing. Save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. We look at Vegas now with a different eye. Like it used to be like, whoa.

oh, that's crazy. Look at the pirate ship. Look at the Eiffel Tower. This is crazy. But now you look at it as a location scout for your show. So you're like, I can't get the Eiffel Tower in the photo with me without having a thousand chins. Vegas is a fun place to experience, but it's a horrible place to shoot television. And the fact that we've all concocted our own Truman Show...

It's like got a weird vibe. The vibe is just people doing endless photo shoots to get the fountain behind them, but they're trying to get it when it's at the perfect time. Instead of just enjoying the fountain, they have to get it.

So it's really just people like, just do a burst. It burst and they're trying to get a photo in front of it. And then you see them run around and look at it. It's just people being disappointed that Vegas doesn't look on their phone the way it looks in person. Vegas has like sunset syndrome. I call this sunset syndrome. It's when something in the photo never looks as good as

as it is to your eyes. So you start hating the amazing thing. You know, you take a picture of a sunset. You're like, that's not even fair. What is like, what is that? You can't capture the beauty of a sunset and there's no point in even looking at it because you can't send the picture. So I actually kind of, I get mad at sunsets a little bit. I'm like, well, how did, no one's going to believe me. And what am I just going to sit here and enjoy you on my own? Like a weirdo for me. Yeah. Just like the guy alone in the strip club in the corner, like lurking. Yeah.

I just Vegas is like that. You're like, well, look at look at the Bellagio. Like it's so big. But in the photo, you're kind of like this looks like a sketchy strip mall in Fort Lauderdale because you can't you can't get the scale of it. Like Vegas isn't good cropped. It doesn't work in the grid. So people are either bummed they can't get a good photo or video or or the type of people that don't make content at all.

There's going to Vegas as a tourist, like raw, dying Vegas. Like, who are those? Those are the people like, oh, we'll just go to Vegas and not shoot ourselves the whole time. So who's that?

They might be evolved. Or on the run. What a hard place to be on the run. There's so many cameras in Vegas. You would be a fool. Have you learned nothing from me? If you're going to hide, where should it be? Plain sight. Breakdancing on the strip. If you're a creep with kids, what do you do? Sex trafficking charity. Sound of freedom. You know what I mean? Yeah. We all kind of like see people that aren't filming themselves differently now. Yeah. Are they happier and mentally fulfilled?

Yeah, of course. You're better than us. I get it. But now when I see someone walking around just looking at a building without a phone, I'm like, what are you up to?

When you just look at a building without your phone. What are you against having evidence you were here? You're not going to take a selfie with it. What are you doing? Counting the windows, trying to figure out which room to camp out in during a music festival. Like, what are you doing? There's something weird about someone who's not documenting their existence. You're like, why are you so off the grid over here, homie? Just looking at a building. You know what it looks like. You get it. When people are constantly filming themselves, it's very annoying. But when people aren't, I'm like.

Why are you so anonymous? It's not that cool. Las Vegas is still the most visited city in the United States. You know, I can't let that slide.

Like Whitney, just keep talking. You can just accept that that's a statistic. I don't know if that's I don't think it's the most visited city the way we think it is. I think I think it's probably been visited by the same like 300 dudes over and over. It's the most visited by that group of people over and over. Like we all know the Vegas regulars, like the guy that has a dress shirt that's lilac and like has is shiny kind of at certain angles, like the guy who calls women females.

Prime Energy drink on auto order. Subscribe and save. Leather fanny pack for the bachelor party that weekend. Pomade King invested in Hawk to a coin has not a regret in sight. With a girl out of his league for five years, still won't propose. Belt from coach and everyone's going to know about it. He'd rather be homeless with an Audi than drive a car he can afford. We know this guy. He's trying to get a nickname to catch on. No one's calling you Robbie. You're 40 and you're not crashing.

There's something weird about Vegas. Maybe it was because it was Memorial Day. Las Vegas on Memorial Day. What better way to celebrate the soldiers who died for our freedom than to be in a casino with no windows or clocks? The heroes that died for our freedom, it was not in vain because we trapped ourselves in a labyrinth where we gambled away our own financial freedom.

Maybe the irony was just too intense to be in Vegas on Memorial Day weekend. I mean, Las Vegas is the ultimate symbol of American freedom. American soldiers fought for

for the freedom to go to Vegas and stay in hotels owned by China, to look at tigers owned by Saudi Arabia, and to take pictures with sports cars we can't afford that were not made in America. They're owned by Armenians, but God damn it, the hoes are in American flag bikinis. That's America. Thank you to the heroic soldiers who died for our right as Americans to go to a buffet that serves Mexican food, Canadian bacon, and Belgian waffles.

We salute you. What better way to honor the men and women who died at war than to come to a city that is truly the place that makes other nations want to nuke us in the first place? We were in Vegas on Memorial Day. Do you think the DJs held a moment of silence followed by EDM, which is music that sounds like actual war? The freedom's going to drop. Yeah, yeah.

Vegas really would not be Vegas if it wasn't for the soldiers who served in our war. How else could bachelor parties use MDMA recreationally if it wasn't invented to help people?

PTSD and soldiers. And now we're like, sorry, guys, there's none left for you. They use it all last weekend at the Sphere. We need your MDMA because we're struggling to have purpose, which you got when you were over there serving. OK, the Nepo babies from Berkeley need it. They don't know the meaning of life. They have to live with the trauma of growing up with no trauma. You have real trauma. You have perspective and coping mechanisms. They don't. We made it illegal. Yeah.

Oh my God, we did. And I do think as a society, our rock bottom is the sphere. I can fix it. I can fix the sphere, guys. I have the solution. Because there is something very wrong with us as a society that MMA was at the sphere. I love MMA. I watch it. But I'm just saying, think about this. Think about this. I know everyone loved it and it's probably going to stay there. Think about being an MMA fighter.

training your whole life going into a cage with another man kill or be killed not knowing who the person is you're gonna be on the other side of this fight getting kicked in the face in spandex daisy dukes and the audience is like but what's up there why isn't there anything up there okay where's the 3d ring girl

Why aren't there any images of the pyramids above me? It's like, it's literally two men in front of you whose brains are about to be altered forever.

while their families and children watch. But where's the entertainment? Where's the 360 video that makes me feel like I'm in the Ring Girls camel? What did I pay for? I want to feel like I'm motorboating Ronda Rousey or I'm out of here. Like, I'm going to take my VR headset and go home because Zuck gets me. Like, the sphere is the end. This will be in history books as evolution took a U-turn.

Am I wrong? Like, I truly don't get it. In Vegas, Mikey came into my room and he's like, dude, Pat has a view of the sphere right from his hotel. It was like losing his mind. So there it is. It was out my window. There it is. I was like, cool. I don't. Why am I? Do I not get it? Looks like a billboard. OK, yeah. Is the sphere the only celebrity left at this point?

Truly, Janet Jackson is like in the lobby. People are like, did you see the sphere? There's a sphere. People were walking. They were standing at the bottom of the sphere. They're around it looking at commercials. I look at the sphere and I'm like, cool, yeah, cool.

Yeah, the thing coming for my job. Yeah. Like looking at Sphere, I'm like, oh, yeah, cool. The thing that's destroying people's ability to want to see humans in a room entertain without the help of screens. Cool. Yeah, it's 50,000 TVs in one place. Okay, it's a wallet best buy.

We outlawed Four Loko, but this is okay. No one's worried that watching a singular talent do something amazing isn't enough anymore. At a concert, you get to be in the same room as a famous musician who changed your life. Bah! Bah! A genius that may die soon, playing for you in your presence the song you lost your virginity to.

Bah! Old hat. "90, where's the graphics? Why aren't I flying over Peru?"

Why don't I feel nauseous at this show? Like what is it because it's round? I feel like guys love shapes. Is that it looks like a butt or something from far away? Like cabs have TVs in them. That is way more impressive. I always think people are impressed by the wrong things. I think making something big, that's easy. It's making something small. That's difficult. Show me a tiny working TV in a dollhouse. I'll be blown away. Tiny remote, tiny Apple TV screen.

That would blow my mind, actually. I just, here's, okay. I have a bee in my bonnet about everything being a TV. So buildings now in LA, certainly, and New York is, you know, forever has been like this, but it's starting to be other cities too. I saw some in Dallas. I saw some in Portland. Buildings are starting to be televisions. Across from the comedy store, there's hotels. It's just the whole side of the building is just playing a Hulu show.

It's like we're back to the drive-in movie theater, but there's no sound. Which means, by the way, we are going to start going back to Charlie Chaplin type shows. Movies and TV that don't require dialogue so you can understand what's going on while you're running errands, while you're driving by. Writer's rooms are often like, we'll be in a writer's room and be like, yeah, I don't know. Is that joke too inside? Are people going to get that? Now writer's rooms are going to be like, I don't know, but are people going to be able to see it in four seconds when they're driving by? Right?

Like, I feel like the person in the passenger seat will see it, but the driver's seat is only going to see half. So do we cut that? Like, that's how we're going to start making TV. I just I do believe as someone that makes TV, you know, your work will only be seen and appreciated if someone has perished in a car accident and everyone has to slow down. Weird thing to have to rely on. And the accident will be caused by the TV show.

And someone watching it. Good free billboard strategy is just go flip an SUV on the highway and then hold up a poster for a few hours. That's what it has come to. But it has to be filming the person slowly dying and just project onto it. Yeah. And then this fall. I'm just, I'm worried, you guys. Can you buy ad space on the side of an ambulance? No.

On the back, it's just backwards. It's all reverse. We have to shoot it in reverse, guys, because it's on the back of an anime. That will become something that's said without irony. You guys, we just need to make sure that the title of our show is backwards because...

In the rearview mirror, we have to be able to read it because it's on an ambulance. Can I just look at a building? When stuff like this happens, I only think about the bigger implications. Like when you're giving someone directions, right? It's like, take a left at the Hilton Hotel. Now you're gonna have to be like, take a left at the 16 story trailer for Squid Games. I'm right past the giant moving Skechers ad on the left. And then they're like, I'm lost. And you're like, oh, it's not Skechers. He's like, I see a guest jeans ad. Oh God, sorry. Sorry.

You missed mom's memorial because I gave you the wrong landmark because Skechers went under and can't afford the ad space anymore. I guess it rotates. I'm sorry. I guess everything happens for a reason. Like, why did you miss your mom's funeral? Because the ad, Skechers. There was a holiday sale. I don't know. It's just like, that's what I'm saying. Like, you have the normal conversations we will have to have. Yeah.

will become so ridiculous and i can things are just gonna get too confusing for maps and stuff hand signals like i'm obsessed with the moment a hand signal changes like this is when you hold your hand up like this is this means call me right yeah this will evolve i feel like this will have to turn into like calm what what would it be call me call me call me call me call me

what's it going to be call me the next generation is gonna i'm gonna be like yeah call me and they're gonna be like surf's up like cowabunga dude over there like do they know what we're doing when we do that are they just like all right boomer like do they do they know what this even is maybe uh evolutionarily it's a good thing that someone younger than you doesn't know you're saying call me yeah yeah that's actually really good point yeah i was like please don't call me don't don't

But like if I talk to my like 15 year old nephew and I'm like, call me. Is he like serves off? Like, does he even,

Does he even know what I'm referencing? Like an old guy that's hitting on some college girls and he's like, call me. And they're like, what did he do? I think he said he was taking a nap later. Yeah, yeah, totally. I'm obsessed when the universal symbol or picture for something has to evolve and when that happens and when our default image has changed. No one thinks about these things. See, I think about these things. Why is no one else in this nightmare with me? When you draw an airplane now,

You don't do one with a propeller. There was a moment where everyone stopped drawing a propeller for it to be airplane, right? In the future, when you draw an airplane, you're going to have to draw like a Valtrex ad on the side so that kids are like, airplane.

Do you know what I'm saying? Same with buildings. When you want to draw a building and you just draw what a building would be today, no one's going to know what is happening. It's just going to look like a box. What's this thing about a box? No one thinks about the painters. See, I think about the painters. Okay? I just mean, if this gets normal, when Tom Cruise flies off a building in a movie, we're going to have to look at an ad for Activia in the background so that it's clear that it's a building in a major city.

Right. Honestly, screens taking up whole walls of buildings is just it's I changed my mind. Maybe it's good. It might be good. It might deter jumpers. It might. If someone was going to jump off a building who knew that behind them as they were falling was flow from progressive who I am not, who is not me.

Like if she's going on about auto insurance, like as you're like falling to your death is probably embarrassed. It's definitely, it might be more effective than nets. The nets look fun. Don't tempt me to jump off a building. You're going to catch me in a net. Maybe you could get sponsored to jump off a building.

If they know that their ad is going to be behind you. See this? See this? Why we have Pat. When you're ready to rip. Okay. All right. Now my other personality is going to come out and argue for it. Well, because now I'm like thinking about what this episode theme is kind of becoming. Maybe screens on buildings will stop us from posting so much because posting won't be as fun when there's a giant ad behind you chock full of models. No one wants to post on a night about how good they look.

And the comments are like, cute top on that hot girl for that Aritzia ad behind you. I don't want to be in front of a bunch of models in an ad. I don't want another TV in my shot. How am I supposed to get a paid partnership with soy milk if there's a giant ad for almond milk on the building behind me?

This might make us post less. This episode is sponsored by Ground News. It's never been harder to stay informed without following into bias or echo chambers. I mean, every time I go to the news, I leave being like, oh, pandas are fake. It's tough out there. That's why I use Ground News. It's the only news platform that shows how every story is covered across the political spectrum. You're going to see which side of the aisle is covering a story, how much coverage it's getting and what kind of bias might be built in and even shows who owns the outlet, obviously.

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Going back to Vegas, I guess I'm always surprised that magicians are still going strong. There's something psychological about us as humans that is very concerning. Going to see magicians in 2025 is mental. Is anyone like, you know what I don't get enough of?

Is anyone signing up to be blindsided these days? The year 2025 itself is a magician who doesn't know when to quit. It's like abracadabra, your niece is now your nephew. Ta-da. How in 2025 would you pay money to be surprised? Just go on the internet. Go read the news. Like, we have a new ocean. Ta-da. There's a new ocean. There's a meteor coming. Ta.

Every morning I wake up and I'm just like, what paradigm of mine will be shattered today? Somebody said that they found pyramids in the ocean that are upside down and doing the opposite of what they're doing in the desert. That's so funny that if something's flat, they're like, this is an upside down pyramid. It's like...

We just have to get the resources, start digging in the ocean. And who said this? Who? Bots are putting it on social media. I say half of all online activities bots now. Oh, yeah. I saved a video. Isn't that good news that half the Internet's bots? This is good news, right? Because we don't have to be like, oh, we thought that's how people were behaving. This is how bots behave. Fine. Let me have this one. Okay. Let me have it.

Whoa. Tens of thousands of phones. Social media bot farm. This looks like the bedside table of the guys that I dated in my 20s. But they were all facing down. I don't know.

I don't know. It's wild to me that people go to Vegas and like, surprise me. Like, you don't have to go to Vegas for that. Everything gives you cancer. Surprise. Like, everything is a surprise all day. I want to do a show that's the opposite of a magic show where you come and I comfort you with things that are all still. There's no surprises in the show. It's like abracadabra. The American dollar still has value. Ta-da. That lump in your boob is just a benign cyst. Don't panic. That you use antiperspirant for 30 years. Ta-da.

We didn't know about the aluminum thing. Your rent is not going up and neither is your fire insurance. And you are pregnant. Look, I'll take any excuse to talk about David Copperfield. I just I'm obsessed. David Copperfield still has a residency in Vegas, which I love just saying facts about famous magicians and then just saying ta-da at the end. Did you know David Copperfield owns an island? Ha ha ha.

Nothing shady about that. Anyway, there's lots of big singers doing residencies in Vegas. Jennifer Lopez, Rod Stewart. Janet Jackson was in Vegas.

And we didn't get to see her because I was performing. Janet Jackson. See, this is I can't just go to Jackson. I can only think about her experience being in Vegas. Can you imagine being Janet Jackson? And every time she leaves her hotel room, she has to walk past 20 old men impersonating her dead brother. Like every visit, she's just in her own horrifying, like thriller music video. Yeah.

All I'm saying is like what entertains us has changed and I'm fascinated how everybody's adapting. Like at this point, entertainers are the most entertaining when they're getting canceled. And like, like we're our most entertained. We're like, wait a second. Are they posted an apology statement? He apologized for blackface and a notes app like that. Are you not entertained? Like we want to see them have to grovel, apologize, be in a court case, be in a court case.

you know, be in some nightmare. And the other thing that entertains us are real people almost dying. I feel like, like there was like, like real people. It like has to be either a celebrity. You'll never get to meet falling from grace or your actual friend. I think I was also bummed out at how, uh,

Not dazzled I was by Vegas and it makes me worry that I have some like crazy tolerance for dopamine now and that it's impossible to be wowed like photoshopped animated fake things have made real amazing things look ratchet.

And this is our future reality. I realized this weekend in Vegas, like we're at a place where we're all going to like save money and go see something amazing. And we get there and it will always be disappointing. Like we complain about what porn does to our sex lives. But like, what about what Photoshop and AI does to all the other time in our life? Like men getting desensitized to women and sex because after porn sex isn't as exciting to them. Is that bad? Yeah.

is that can we just take the win a man can focus on something else for five minutes for once in their life oh god forbid men be just sensitive god forbid men could resist cheating on work trips how will society go on but all of us being desensitized to amazing things

I think is part of why we're all so depressed. The thing we all work so hard to afford, to be able to look forward to, once we get there, it's an anticlimactic letdown because it's not as good as the digital version. Is there anything that you feel like once you see it in person, it's actually kind of a letdown? Sporting events, for sure. When you see sporting events now, you get to see all these close-up angles. The coverage is amazing when you're watching it

presented on TV, most people are looking at the Jumbotron because they're airing the good close-ups. Dude, that's mind-blowing that you're just looking. And you're there, so you can say you were there and take the photos of yourself being there, but if you actually want to watch a great sporting event. LeBron's right there. Yeah. And you're watching him the way you could watch him at home on the Jumbotron. Because he's a little bit bigger. That is so wild and reminds me of when I went with Grace O'Malley to the Knicks game. Yeah.

There was like a commercial or like a girl that was like doing, I don't know, like Q&A outside of the MSG or whatever it was and like talking to camera. Yeah.

And she gave up on screen and I went at the screen. Like I thought it was like a zoom. Like I thought she was like, I didn't realize it was pre-recorded. Like I, we're all, when you see a screen now, you don't know what it is. Is it live? Are we talking? Like, is this like, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. It's like when I take an actual physical picture now, I try to make it bigger with my finger. Like we're all just in this like in between stage where we're not sure what means what.

I just, I do feel like a lot of what gets us through life is looking forward to seeing something amazing. The Grand Canyon. Like this happened to me. I went to Ha Long Bay in Vietnam. I always wanted to see Ha Long Bay. You know it in Vietnam? It's the one that was in...

King Kong and the dinosaur that fought Kong, the movie Kong, Ha Long Bay in Vietnam. It's been my computer screensaver. When I was in college, it was like the one that came with the computer, right? And I'm like, I want to go there. One day I'm going to go there. All right. And I'm in a relationship that was, let's be honest, on its last legs. One of my main moves when a relationship is dying is to try to save the relationship by going on a trip that will trap us in a hut together for like five days, really just put the nail in the coffin. Yeah.

I gaslight myself into being like, we're going to save it. We're going to like go to this amazing place, but I'm really just making sure we truly are never tempted to speak again. That's a good heads up for anybody interested in. Yeah. If I say let's go on a trip, I'd read, you know, I did this with Thailand also and Vietnam and Guatemala also. So let's just, I'm like, let's just get into overpriced hut and just see who gets to leave. Go to a, yeah.

That is like, should be my dating reality show. Just like overpriced and just like, let the games break up. I just like literally put me in a hut with a guy that I think I'm in love with. And as soon as I have to pay $8 for a water, I will snap. And then we're fully Jack Nicholson and Shelley Duvall on the shining. Cause something about being in like a hotel, a resort with someone and paying $8 for water is,

It just makes you realize this isn't the love of your life. Someone's like, I'm in love with him. I want to marry him. I'm like, have you paid $8 for water with him at a hotel? Or did he figure it out? Please do that. Okay. You're not in love. All right. You're recreating your childhood circumstances. And that person is just a remix of your mom and your dad's worst qualities. Okay. He just has all the negative qualities of your father who was not available to you. Huts are great for realizing, you know what?

I don't want to date my dad. Turns out that's gross. Don't know why I had to come to Thailand to figure that out. But like, Hutz, man, they are good for realizing that, hey, maybe don't spend the rest of your life with a guy who drops my hand in public. You're going to drop my hand in Thailand? Yeah.

You think you're going to run into someone you know here? I feel like if you drop my hand in public in Thailand, it's the Mall of America I get. You know, you don't want to be embarrassed in front of the lady at Things Remembered, but Thailand?

So I go to Holloway Bay with this guy that I'm dating. I work with Operation Smile, which is the organization that fixes the smiles on the kids. Yeah. So it's not a scam from what I understand, but I don't put anything past anyone anymore. Money laundering. I don't know. They fix a lot of the kids' smiles. I've seen it. The point is...

Yeah. Once the sound of Freedom Guy ended up being a creep, all bets are off with all the charities. But I'm like dressed to like match it. Like I've been thinking about this for years. We get there. I'm like pulling up to Ha Long Bay. It's like my wedding day and it bombed.

It bombed, like tanked. Like, are we there yet? Like, it was like, when are we going to see? Is this where we park? I'd been hoodwinked, catfished by one of the wonders of the world. The water was covered with a film of like shmegma, toxic trash, like from tourists everywhere, like just congealed for loco and like Mountain Dew and crystallized self-tanner. And it was like the first time you sit on Santa's lap and he smells like Maker's Mark. Yeah.

And you're like, oh, you're not a magical man in the sky. It's that breaking that. You're like, I'm not getting a bike this year. No, I didn't.

You're a drunkard. And not only am I not getting a bike, you're the guy who stole my bike. It's like when you go to Disneyland and the first time you go and you notice that the princesses are wearing like fake eyelashes, one's like hanging off, stuck only by like old tears. They're Lee press on nails, you know,

They're glued on the wrong finger. You can like see like makeup like on her arm covering up the faint shadow of a tattoo that says like Dale. Like it's breaking that spell, right? Nature shouldn't be one of them.

Like when you're bummed out by something like that, that's our fault. Like Photoshop and perfection. I feel like it does ruin things that are actually almost perfect. Like count on the Silicon Valley dorks to ruin almost perfect with actual perfection. Like who who is Photoshopping these screensavers? What monster is like, oh, wow.

I think we need to make the water shinier. It was fine before. Losers. These are losers. This is it. So there is a photo of Ha Long Bay that's what it actually looks like. And if I had been prepared, I would not have been so let down. And they got a photo of Ha Long Bay and the Photoshopper dorks were like, what's all this? I see some trash on the beach. We got to remove it. Why would there be trash on the beach? Dude, trash every now and then. That's what happens when people hang out, when friends get together, right?

people that have personalities that other people want to be around, they'll have a beer. They'll have a brewski. They'll leave it on the beach. You don't have to take it out of the screen saver. It's fine. We all know what it is. We know how friends work. You don't.

You don't need to remove evidence of friendships just because you don't understand what you're looking at. Okay? Most people know this, but you don't because nothing is good enough for you. Imagine looking at Ha Long Bay and being like, let's make the water more blue. Let's make the sand bright white. It's already amazing. You dork. Sand is gross. Side note. Sand is... It's white dirt and honestly probably has way more germs than dirt. I'm not sure why we're all cool with sand. Sand is like the squirrel of...

Squirrels like a fancy rat. There's truly no difference. But we think squirrels are like super cute. It's like sand, sand. Sand is dirtier than dirt. And I will die on this hill. The point is our love of nature, which nature's all of our screensavers has ruined our ability to enjoy nature. Like we've ruined aesthetic reality. And that's what happened this weekend in Vegas when I was just kind of like, meh, meh.

Like you can't let Photoshop and AI ruin mountains the way runts ruin fruit. Grape gum ruined grapes. Have you had a grape recently? They're gross. I grew up on grape bubblicious. The first time I had a grape, I was like, like I just sickening. It's like how horror movies ruin clowns. Clowns used to be fun and funny as a species. I worry that we are losing our ability to be amazed by

And that might be the only thing we have left. That's why I refuse to go to the sphere. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I don't want to experience that level of dopamine. We need to work on our ability to be bored. I think that's the new self-care. Can you be bored? Can you raw dog reality? Okay. Raw dogging planes, that's not real. Okay. Because planes are, you go on a plane without your phone and then you actually notice all the women fighting each other. Okay. It's actually way more entertaining without phones. Okay.

Because then you see all the madness that's going on. I'm just saying phones, video games, animation is all just drugs. It's just you're playing a slot machine, right? So when you go to actual slot machines, you're like, I walked right past the casino. I was like, I have the slot machine with my face on it. I have a custom slot machine in my hand. Why would I go to yours? Also, they were all full of people wearing diapers. I just when we go into the world that all the amazing things are based on.

you're bummed. Okay? Like, Tonya Harding being played by Margot Robbie ruined the feeling of seeing actual Tonya Harding being the person that did it. The movie was great. She's amazing. But don't forget how wild it is that Tonya Harding did that. The polished version is kind of like, okay, I get it. Fair. Of course she would do this. She's got to win. Look at her. She's never lost in her life.

I just, I personally don't believe that Margot Robbie needs to crack anyone in the knee. I mean, even if Margot Robbie comes in second place in skating, she can still marry truly whoever she wants, but there's just not as much tension. It takes away how truly interesting the story is. When you see actual Tonya Harding, you're like,

damn reckless ambition required how many kegels is she doing a day to get that guy to rip off the brunette's knee all of a sudden this story's wild and you know i'm on to something i'm just saying the things that we base the polished version on to me are so much more fascinating show me something natural like

Tush with the stretch marks. Too much perfection is a negative contribution to our future ability to be dazzled. And I see there's there's this epidemic of listlessness. People are just like itchy for more dopamine. And I feel like I've been robbed of like enjoying any kind of reality. So I'm not doing it. I've had it. I've had it with being bored by amazing things.

Because that's just like we're making ourselves get like cheated. At this point, the only thing that'll get me to stop scrolling on my phone is a man kissing an alligator on the nose. That's how far gone I am. Or a guy play fighting with a hyena. I have to be like, am I about to see a guy's head get ripped off? Like that's the level of action and drama that I need to stop the scrolling. Okay. A house for sale that has tunnels under it. I'll stop for that.

A house that was owned by Ghislaine Maxwell that's now for sale. I'll stop for that. I just am fascinated by the fact that we're all alive in a time where what is real and fake is changing and our ability to differentiate them. This is a weird time to be alive in history. My feed is AI influencers and everyone's like, oh my God, this looks so real. Doesn't...

Really? I don't know. If the videos of all the AI influencers look real, it's only because it's based on videos of real influencers acting fake. Well, here's what I've noticed about it. The talent's way easier to work with. No lip whatsoever.

Your AI podcast is doing way better than this one. We should do an AI one that's all the stuff to see which one does better. So some of the initial highlight reels that came out from the app, all of the characters in the video

We're saying, can you believe we're prompts? Are you a prompt? I'm a prompt. I can't believe we're prompt. But they were doing behaviors that don't look like people would be having that discussion. So what trolls are doing is they're just filming themselves and their friends having that conversation.

Oh, hey, can you believe we're prompts? Someone's like, what? What are you talking about? Like, yeah, we're prompt. You're a prompt. I'm a prompt. Yeah, yeah. But they're just filming it on their phone and then posting it saying that they made it with the app.

Oh. Like, look at how realistic it is. All the candy bar names in the distance, they're all accurate. There's no mistakes anywhere because they actually just shot it. So the problem isn't that we're going to be hoodwinked by AI fake people. It's that people will say real ones are AI. Look how good my AI is. It's going to feed into itself. It's going to get real weird. The videos that I'm seeing of like the girl that was like at Coachella or something or these girls at Burning Man.

The only video that AI has to work with is...

us being super fake and acting like AI generated weirdos. Cause when people get on camera, they're like, Hey everyone, here I am. I'm here at Burning Man. So it's like influencers have been downloading in their brain, every famous person they've seen. And they're trying to do an impression of all them at once. So they're like real AI that is doing a confluence of everyone they've seen on TV. So they're already doing something fake. And now AI is generating that into an AI influencer. So it's like,

Using video of social media to make a real person is like... It's like putting Strawberry Starburst in a strawberry shortcake. Yeah. With the wrapper on and being like... Anyone that thinks these girls look real...

One of them doesn't even blink. They're like, look how real she looks. I'm like, have you looked at her face or only the AI generated boobs? Because she has no pupils and her eyelids are... If you think this girl looks real, you need to stop hanging out with people on expired...

Is that medical advice? Are we going to get cut out? She's a hot owl. Like, what are you talking about? You know, but it's I do think, though, AI, sometimes you got to know when a win's a win. I think AI is good for me. I can't act fake to save my life. So an AI of me would not know what to do. I change my mind every day. There's no way to do an impression of me.

Because I also I always my hair's been blue. It's been purple. It's been orange. It's been gray. And I don't get Botox anymore. I would not even know what to do compared to all the other videos of me because I've not been getting Botox for two years. But there's a video of me online for like 18 years. So like now that I Botox, I wouldn't know what to do. They'd be like, why is the back of a bald man's neck yelling about Shirley Temple? Like, I don't. Here's the good news about AI. You know me.

silver lining guy over here. It's not that we need to be so worried now about AI and people that are fake, saying things that seem real. It's actually that

We should have been way more worried before when real people were talking to us. That's when we should have been worried. Before AI, it was way harder to tell when someone was fake because it was their real body that fakeness was coming out of. That was way more confusing. A fake person being fake, I can handle that.

This is great news. A real person being fake. That's what that's what we've been living with our entire lives. Studies pretending to be facts that look like real data. That's what bothers me. Not the fake thing saying the fake thing. OK, I feel particularly validated today because Santa came early this year.

And there's a story about a Harvard scientist who was accused of fabricating data. And this is my Super Bowl behavioral scientist. I don't even know that is who undertook studies about honesty is under fire for fabricating papers she worked on.

Can I, can I, what is this? I'm trying to think. I feel like I just got out after being wrong. I feel like Amanda Knox must have felt when she was released from prison. No one studies honesty if they're not a liar. No one's like, I wonder how honesty works. Like, no.

No one's confused about how honesty works except you. No honest person is curious about how honest other people are. Only liars are like, oh God, I got to prove that other people lie too. Like I got to figure out a way that it's not just me. Like, no, this is scientific. Everyone does this, right? Like this is my problem with studies that we are all hinging all of our like sanity and behavior on.

remember when people kept saying the average person lies 32 times a day? It was like something like that. That was like a thing going on. The average person lies. I was like, no, they don't. I don't. First of all, how can you track what people said? And if it's a lie or not, if you're relying on them to tell you,

that they're lying. We need to take the word researcher, scientist off a pedestal. There are some words that just have way too much power to make us think the person is better or smarter than us. Like researcher, why do we respect that? How about we call them what they are? A lurker, creep, stalker, idiot.

If you did what they're doing any other place, you would be on Megan's law dot com. You don't get to just stare at people. Also, authority figures that no one was allowed to say anything to people that called themselves experts. So it's like, OK, you work at Harvard and you study lying.

Okay. I grew up in an alcoholic home. No one knows more about lying than this guy. How you're not more qualified than me to understand dishonesty. Okay. I don't, I don't believe you. Yeah. I have siblings I've never met. All right. Like I know about dishonesty. There's just certain studies that we hinge our entire belief system on that are so flawed to me. Like, you know, girls mature faster than boys. Like really?

Do they do we just use this study for creeps to be like, I know I'm 40. She's 19. But girls mature faster than boys because we don't use that study any other place. Do you know what I'm saying? I just think when you point one finger at someone else, you point three at yourself. It's right there. It's right there. It's right. And one at the Lord.

I just am saying everyone has something to prove. So when someone's trying to lecture you on politics or tell you what to believe, everyone is trying to like overcompensate or project in some way. People have something to prove. Once I figured this out, I stopped taking people's behavior so personally and I stopped thinking they believed what they were saying. Everyone is trying to convince themselves and it just looks like they're trying to convince you. If I was like, hey guys, I'm doing a study about how single moms...

have more well-adjusted kids and how being an unmarried woman lowers your risk of cancer. You'd be like,

that's it you know me so you know that we don't know these researchers so we don't know how weird it is that these are the studies that they're doing you know and you'd be like okay yeah whatever you need to do to sleep at night sure go this woman at harvard wanted to study dishonesty why why every study ever conducted is a study in dishonesty because people lie in studies

You can't study honesty anyway. And I say this as someone who used to do studies for $50 cash. Even if people do tell the truth in a study, you can't even trust that because they're a person in a study. This thing where it's like, we're all just liars. It feels like a weird defense. So it's like, well, you know, I'm going to lie 32 times a day. That's what people do. So if you catch me like cheating, it's like, well, I'm

I'm only on my 13th lie. I mean, like, what are you? It feels like an excuse. I don't like when people use research as an excuse for their behavior. I'm not talking about lies. They're like, how are you doing? Fine. That's always a lie. No one's fine. Okay. Do you want to get dinner? Sure. I'd love to. That's a lot. That's not, that's just manners. That's just being polite. That's not like a lie, right? No one should tell the truth about how they're doing. That's not fair to anyone. No one cares.

You know, if you're telling the truth to someone that you're lying to yourself, that they care. So pick a lane. I think some people only lie and some people don't lie at all. I think that's been my experience. I have to say things that go without saying. That's my toxic trait. If something goes without saying...

I need to say it to make sure that you know what goes without saying. A lot of people don't know what goes without saying. There's a lot of assumptions involved if you don't say it. I can't with these assumptions all over the place. I now have a...

Well, I'm negotiating for one more, but I have two strikes for being in the car when Chris is driving and telling him what exit to take after being together for a year and a half. I just like I panic. Like, I just I need to know. I need to know you're going to do what you've always done.

I need to know that your habit isn't getting sloppy. I need to just know that that's going to happen. The thing, the one thing I can rely on, which is you getting off at the exit where my house is, I just need to know you're going to do the right thing. My favorite moment is when somebody is reminding me to do something that I know how to do, especially on the highway.

And then the conversation that we have about that interaction causes us both to be distracted and miss the exit. Me trying to help does cause the very problem I'm trying to avoid every time. But but then also doing that, he'll skip it on purpose.

Because he thinks it's funny. I'm not even trying to do it. You have to understand, like, when you grow up in an alcoholic home, when you didn't, nothing was anything and there was no consistency. It's just my, I just can't not point. Like, it's just like, it's like a tick. So you'll go, that's two.

Ooh, what happens on three? I don't know. You've never gone to three? Nope, never gotten to three. He wouldn't have to punish me. I would be wrong. Oh, that's enough. Yeah. Just a reminder every now and then. Okay, Pat, I think now would be the time to bring in the AI copy because I'm starting to sound AI of myself. Mm-hmm.

I feel like I'm going in a circle. I feel like I'm a glitching AI right now. I have three options for you. Okay. I just pasted in the article about the Harvard scientist. If you want to see what it thinks you would say about it. Okay. That to me sounds the most interesting. Let's do that. So now we're going to read the AI version of what I would say about the Harvard lying scientist. Okay.

The floor is yours, A.I. Whitney. Okay. So this is the A.I. generated version of me talking about the Harvard honesty researcher getting busted for lying. Okay. Say action. A.I. action. A.I.

A-action. So I've been thinking a lot about honesty lately. Not that I'm confessing to anything, but if you're going to lie, at least make a big exclamation mark. I mean, look at Francesca Gino from Harvard. She spearheaded a study on honest behavior and then she, well, let's just say her research didn't exactly add up. Now, I'm not saying that I've never lied or fudged the truth. Okay, excuse me.

Okay. Shots fired. Wow. Wow. Shots fired. Wow. Wow. I do own... You want to say that you've never lied. I do own a lot of my mistakes, but I don't admit... I've never said I lie about things. That's my...

You're way off book right now. Whoa. Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry. Now, I'm not saying that I've ever lied or fudged the truth a little, but let's be real. If you're going to lie, don't do it at a place like Harvard. It's like lying to your parents on Christmas morning. They see right through you. Remember when I told you about my cat Combine?

It thinks I'm a cat lady? Your cat combine? My cat combine. The name of the cats combine? Well, he's gone now. And let me tell you, his disappearance is as mysterious as franchise. You guys, AI is not going to take over. I have great news. It thinks I'm lie. You're a lying cat lady. I...

It thinks that I have a cat. My problem is I tell the truth too much. I have Tourette's and telling the truth ruins my life and I should lie more. And I do not have a cat. Whoa. Okay. This is crazy. Here's the thing. Lying doesn't solve anything. I mean, look at Francesca Gino now. She's under fire and her reputation is in shambles. It just goes to show that Odyssey really is the best policy. Okay, lying computer. Okay.

The fact that AI wants to lecture us about honesty, okay. A lot of people are lying and saying you're their girlfriend, so I'd chill out with that. So what have we learned tonight? Well, why is it tonight? Well, if you're going to lie, do it big, like Francesca Gino. But remember, lying never solves anything and honestly really is the best policy. Oh my God, it's like a broken record like me. Okay, you talk in circles. That's fair. That's the most like me thing it's done so far.

Unless you're like me, tell your mom you're going to a club when you're actually staying in and watching reruns of The Office. Well, my mom's dead, but you probably should have Googled that AI. And as for Combine, well, he's gone now, but I found a new feline friend named Kill. Whoa. So far, she seems to be more truthful than Francesca Gino. Good night! Good time! It doesn't even say don't ride elephants at the end?

No. Oh, AI is not taking over. We're fine. For this week, not in any danger. I like reminding people this is not where it needs to be. I mean, it'll really weed out dumb people. Like if you think dumb people will. I'm going to keep working on it and I'm going to see if I can get it to be faster. Why? Because I think it's hilarious. Yes, that's true. For you to read stuff that is a garbage fire. Maybe we should do at the end of every episode a little AI thing.

blurb of what they would have said about what I just said, just to keep seeing how close it is. Yeah. So people can know how scared to be. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm getting so excited about how bad AI is right now because it's

People are like, oh, it's going to be as funny as comedians. No, no, no. It's as funny as... It's only funny now because it's bad. Once it gets good, no one wants good. Good is out. It's over, right? So the fact that it doesn't say don't ride elephants in the end means it doesn't get me. It's not taking over because you know what we say here at the end of every show. Don't ride elephants. And don't name your cat Kill. That's truly psychotic. Or Combine. What the hell is that? Love you, mean it. Goodbye. Bye.

We'll be right back.