Shownotes Transcript
First and foremost, I'm a stand-up comedian and I am on tour. If you want to pay money to watch a woman talk with her clothes on, come see me do stand-up, okay? I'm going to be in all the cities. You know my tour dates, right, babe? Rattle them off. Yeah, you're going to be in... You're going to be in...
Give me one second. Pupils therapy with you. You're going to be in. New Orleans. We added a bunch of dates. New Orleans. I just got back from Wisconsin. Vegas in May. I'm going to Spokane and Seattle next weekend. I think those are close to being sold out. I'm coming to Virginia, Norfolk. I'm coming to Canada, Toronto, all the places. WhitneyCummings.com. You know what to do.
I am late to the game on Snow White. I know. I just wanted to wait to see because you know how now like you'll be obsessed with some story and it's all over your algorithm and then you'll bring it up to someone else and they'll be like, what are you talking about? Like last week, my entire TikTok was Nikki Blonsky, the girl from Hairspray doing very wild cameos. That was my whole thing. And I brought it up at like a work dinner and everyone, I mean, truly, I thought that they were going to call
Britney Spears' dad to put me in a conservatorship. They thought I was so insane. And so the Snow White drama, I wasn't clear if everyone was really mad about this because I was like, all these guys can't be this annoyed at this 20-year-old girl, right? So I didn't really care. I don't really care about Snow White. I haven't seen it. I have been watching clips. And
I'm not saying it's a great movie. It's a little cringy. I love a movie that's funny for all the wrong reasons. We love showgirls. Like, what's the amount of time where a movie is bad for so long that we then love it? You know what I mean? 15 years. 15 years. OK, that's probably a good like when when showgirls came when snowgirls. Hey, if you guys really want to make some money, showgirls meets Snow White.
Snow Girls. I will. I am quitting this right now to go get a Kickstarter going for that. I just do feel like I think I'm usually the person that's like, OK, guys, uncle, uncle, it's too much. It's you can hate Snow White, but should Snow White have a lower IMDB rating than Human Centipede 2? Two?
It has a lower IMDb rating than human centipede dose, guys. You realize 4,000 other people worked on this movie. It's like, if you don't like me and you don't like my take on the podcast, fine. But don't, you're not mad at Pat. The Pat. What about Pat here? What about
What about Pat here who drove all the way in from Bikersfield to come in and help me get this done? You know, he's done nothing wrong. Think about him. You know, let's not ruin a whole movie because the star of it is annoying. Of course she's annoying. She's 20 and she's playing Snow White, which means literally 12 years ago, she thought Snow White was a real person. Like that's not that long ago. People are like, she doesn't look like the original Snow White.
What? She's not a drawing from 1938. She's not made out of crayons and paint. Like as someone who is made of crayons and paint, I don't recommend it. I'm not defending the movie. OK, I've seen some of the clips. It doesn't look any worse than all the other movies that are always out. It's just that at least if you're going to hate Snow White, at least hate it for a reason other than her.
You know, so that all the other people that worked on it can be proud of the last four years of their life. If you're going to hate the new Snow White, hate it because the original was Hitler's favorite movie. Did you know this? No one cares that Snow White was legitimately Hitler's favorite movie. And he was a trained artist. So I'm just saying. Great art. Have you seen his art? Not Hitler's art. I'm talking about Snow White. Snow White, great art.
I mean, can you separate the art and the artist with Hitler? That's a tough one. I can separate R. Kelly and Michael Jackson. Hitler, it is tough to separate the art and the artist. I haven't seen his art, but you know that he wanted to be a painter and no one bought his paintings. So I have something to tell all you out there. If a man wants to paint, let him paint. Let him paint. There's no telling what he'll do. You thought men get bad when they're rejected by women. I mean, when they're rejected by art dealers that carry...
Jackson Pollock. I mean, that must be humiliating because, you know, most art is just so dumb. It's just like a like four splashes and someone's like, sorry, it's not good enough. It's like the splashes duct tape banana duct tape banana duct tape mental. I do love, by the way, I started getting interested in this story when Mark Platt, the big producer of the movie, his son Jonah
Like defended the movie and basically just said this entitled girl like ruin the entire movie and defended all the other people who worked on the movie. I love that he did that. But like Rachel Ziegler didn't make this movie. She did the literally the least. Is it fair to say Pat? Pat comes from making movies. She did the least of anyone on this film.
Yeah, she was told what to do the whole time. The entire time. And she couldn't even do that. Like, why does her personality get to ruin this entire thing? And honestly, what's going on with us? Like, this is always my thing. What's going on with us that we're giving this? Who's I didn't know that this was a problem. And people like, isn't she annoying? I'm like, no, I don't know. Because when I see her on my feet, I don't press play.
I don't... Who's watching actresses talk? Why? What's up with you that you saw her talking and you pressed play, homie? Like, what is going on with you that you finished her segment on Fallon? You watched her Fallon? Who...
Who is on the edge of their seat when a 22 year old talks? Like what is up with the, why is anyone putting a microphone into the face of a 20 year old anyway? I mean, we used to only do that so that we could Photoshop a in the place of the microphone later. That was actually less weird.
than just letting them say their opinion. This is wild, dude. People are like, "She's entitled, and she doesn't know what she's talking about." Yeah, she's a kid. This is the first time in the history of our species that we have filmed 20-year-olds speaking and broadcast it around the world. This is such a PR nightmare.
As someone who is a PR nightmare, if I think this is bad, this is bad. Okay. What in the Blake Lively are these talk show? I mean, she literally said in one of her talk shows, she's like, I get stopped for photos when I'm going to the Snow White ride and I hate it. I'm such a narcissist. I'm like, why did they air that?
Why did they pull Ashley Simpson off of the stage on SNL when she was lip syncing to her own song? That was embarrassing, but this is OK. We used to kids used to scurry off stage when they did something embarrassing. Why is anyone listening to an actress? You know what actors jobs are, right? Does anyone know what an actor does? Their job. They signed up to say what other people said, which means on some level they know they shouldn't talk willy nilly.
they're like, that's not for me. At a very early age, they got the memo. When I just say things I think up, it doesn't go well. But if I just read what this other person wrote, people clap for me. So there's a humility. She knew that she, she knew at a very young age, I guess, like this isn't working for me. So there's a humility in that. But then, then you, you put a 20 year old on Jimmy Kimmel and let her talk about Palestine. Are you loco? Yeah.
I mean, talk shows are our thing. Talk shows are a comedian's thing. That's what we do. Except for Michael Richards, who, after he said a horrible Rachel epithet... Sorry, I have to bring this up like every couple episodes. He went to apologize and made it worse. He said some pretty...
nasty things to some Afro-Americans. So Rachel Zegler is talking constantly. She's 20 years old at the time she's doing all that. If this had been three years earlier, by law, her talking on camera would be child labor. Three years earlier, legally a child, okay? Why are we listening to this child plus three years? Her own parents don't listen to her talk. Why do you think she became an actress?
They didn't listen to their own child. And I would like to hear their side of the story. You don't, you don't try to get famous because your parents were like on the edge of their seat. When you spoke, they didn't, if her own parents didn't want to hear her talk, why are you listening? Dale? What's thank God. I wasn't filmed at 20 years old. When I was talking, it would have been so much worse. Dude. If I was talking on camera at 20, it would have been, my best friend was Armenian. So I just would have been like, we need to stop the genocide in Armenia, wherever that is.
I had just read Naomi Wolf, a book, the one about makeup, the beauty myth it was called. And I was ready to lecture anyone who would listen to me about how the patriarchy uses makeup and cosmetics to hold women down and that women have less time every day because we have to spend two hours putting on makeup and it's full of cancer causing chemicals, which is what makes us crazy. I would have told you this with a full face of makeup, expired makeup on looking like carrot bottom. I did not know. Yeah.
to put my makeup in the fridge back then. Okay. I didn't even have a fridge. Yeah, of course she's entitled. She got hired to play Snow White. I have low self-esteem. If someone hired me to even be a Snow White at Disneyland in Tampa, you couldn't say nothing to me. Nothing. I would, you, I'll get, I am, I am a, excuse me?
How dare you speak to me? Disneyland in Tampa. So they just took you somewhere that doesn't exist, too. Whatever. Orlando. Disney World in Orlando. Remember when I was...
at Universal City or Universal. I was performing in Orlando and I was at Universal. And because I was performing at the theater, I got to go like in the back of the theme park and no one could tell me anything. They're like, don't film. I was like filming and I was giving them a back. The police, the Universal Studios police showed up
Another Dale. This was definitely Dale. Showed up and they're like, we need your TikTok right now to take this down. And I was like, I'm backstage at Universal. You can't tell me nothing. Okay. I've been stopped by security for walking around the back of the park. I'm fully in trouble. So if I don't make the show tonight, guys, it's because I've been arrested by Universal security for being
snooping around and making TikToks about the back of the bus. This is what happens when I don't take Prozac, you guys. They're making me pull over. They're pulling over and they're talking on walkie-talkies. Being 20, she thinks she's changing the world. When I was 21, I thought I was going to change the world by becoming a journalist, you guys. I studied journalism. I was going to reveal the dark underbelly of corporate greed. And...
I swear to God, I was like, and now I work for YouTube. What's YouTube? What's Saudi? Who owns this? I don't even know. I worked for NBC, which is General Electric. I work with Fox. Is that Murdoch? I don't even know. Who is this? Do I? Russia is probably Putin is definitely my boss. Are we? What's do I work for Delta somehow? I just I don't even know. Like you are so delusional at that.
age like who we're all deranged at 20 years old and the 20 year olds IG also I'm not defending her I'm just saying 20 IG feeds now like you see some people in their 20s and you see what they've been programmed with that it's like chase your dream don't work for someone else build your own dream she thinks she was doing Disney a favor like she thinks Disney is
owed her like she came in there like this this story is dumb like and she why wouldn't she think that I was not taught that I was told never chase your own dream
Okay. You don't have dreams. You have nightmares. Okay. You know, I was told that life is not fair and nobody owes you anything. And if you get a job, wear a low cut shirt and do your Kegels. That's what I was told. Okay. I was told that if someone has a bigger job than you, they probably know more than you. If they hire you, they probably know more about the job. That's not how it is now. It's opposite. All of these like Instagram and TikTok quotes have led these munchkins to believe that if you work for someone, you're
You're a blessing to them. Your presence is a blessing to them. They could never have this company without you. The real thing here is theater kids.
Now, I wanted to be a theater kid. I say this out of deep jealousy. My aunt in Roanoke would not let me take speech and drama, as it was called. She made me take economics and typing, where I had to type with a box over my fingers and write checks, practice writing checks, which as someone that didn't have any money, it was very traumatic, but
So here's the deal with the theater kids. The theater kids, like we don't, we can't let the theater kids talk, you know, remember dirty dancing. Like they're the sister in mean girls. They're the Rachel McAdams. They're the Aubrey and pitch perfect in school. Imagine being a theater kid. Imagine the level of delusional confidence you would have to be to do theater in high school and in high school, the rest of us are insecure. We have acne, we have braces and they just want to be in front of the whole school.
Like, if you have that much confidence in high school, your brain should be studied. I couldn't raise my hand in high school and they're singing Fiddler on the Roof in leggings in front of the seniors. What?
Are these only children? Like, what is this? Where would this even come from? Like, they didn't play sports, so they never got punched in the face. They never got elbowed in the camel toe in an away game. You don't know what that's like. Like, if you're a theater kid, you do not even know what adversity is like. You don't get hit. You do stage combat. You choreograph your lashings.
Because you're Aaron Burr in Oklahoma, or I don't know, I've never seen Oklahoma. Most plays are about being yourself and finding your voice and people accepting you. That's not how athletes work. Okay, if you play basketball, if you played sports, if you're an athlete, it was about being the best you can be. It's not about being yourself.
It's being the best or you're going to do 50 pushups. And so is the rest of the team. You don't find your voice in sports until you're breaking up a fight between the head coach and your dad. And you do not even know who you're rooting for to win that fight. That is a tough one. Why is anyone doing press for anything? Snow White, I'm sold.
So, say no more. Snow White? The Zelda poster just came out. I don't even need... I'm going. I don't even need the... Please don't. Who's in it? Who cares? Please, Zelda is coming out in a year, I think. I don't need Timothy Malame telling me about how big of a deal it was to do. I don't need to see any... Don't show me any actors. It's going to ruin Zelda. Just Snow White. That's it. You know when you're already sold on something and then they advertise to you and you're like, oh, man.
Like I will buy something and then the brand will email me about a sale because they're like, we have a sale. I'm like, I know where to find you. Okay. Hey, Nike, believe in yourself. I know where to find Nike. I know where to, but now that you're marketing to me now, it's like weird. Now I'm uncomfortable. I like my movies and my sneakers to play hard to get. I'll find you. I don't want to, I don't even want to know who the actress is. I want to see Snow White never being Snow White out in the wild. That's like seeing the guy in the mascot costume in the parking lot.
I don't want to meet the guy who's in the Philly Fanatic. I don't want to meet Troy, the guy who dresses up as a hornet every Thursday night, not even clear if he's been hired to do so. The actress playing an iconic role is basically the weirdo inside the mascot costume that you never want to meet. Am I wrong? Have you ever met him inside of a mascot guy and been like, dude, we should hang out? No, because mascots know their place.
They won't talk. Yeah. They know the deal. The fanatic has his own dressing room and he comes out as a fanatic. He goes back in as a fanatic and there's probably a different door. It is his aunt's van. That is his dressing room. Doesn't speak. Don't break the spell. You know, don't break the spell. Like the bad dude. Reality TV has this locked up. OK, do it. Bachelorette.
Until the finale happens, you are not allowed to speak. They put them in a bunker somewhere in Burbank so they never give anything away because they know as soon as you see these people talking, it's just going to ruin it. I'm just saying if you're playing Snow White in 2025, you should be seen about as much as the Epstein list, which is not at all. You should be in a Dropbox file on Hunter Biden's Samsung switch. You should be printed out and hidden under one of his paintings.
Honestly, if I'm going to hear from anyone talk on the Snow White movie, I want to hear from the animators of the dwarves. Am I wrong? I think that person had an interesting job. Like when they were making the crotches of the dwarves, did they give them a normal size crotch? I hear that that part's not dwarfed.
Like, on little people, I think that part's regular-sized people. I would listen to the animators talk about that for literally hours. Also, do you know why the dwarves are old? Pat, you knew this was going to be the bee in my bonnet. It's still a 22-year-old hanging out with old men, even if they're short. Yeah. They're still way too old to be hanging out with a 20-year-old who's the fairest of them all, right? They found her in the woods. I have to...
I'm going to see here. They've got the easiest access to under her skirt. I'm just saying you guys remember the drama on Wizard of Oz, like the drunk little people were like terrorizing Judy Garland the entire time. I'm just saying old short men or old little people can be creeps just because they look like kids doesn't mean they're not into kids.
Or just because they wear kids' clothes or the size of kids. This is going to get me in so much trouble. I'm just saying, I will go here. Short pedophiles can be into tall teenagers. Is this why we can't get monetized on YouTube?
There is a point where you got to elevate yourself. There is a point, a lot of my friends who are like, and people don't respect me and he didn't respect me and my barista was rude to me. It's like, but you also are wearing a crochet bikini top.
fishnets and jean shorts. I'm not saying you don't look cute. It's just there's a point where we're not still wearing Delias. Okay, there's got to be a point where we're not still wearing, you know, tube tops that say spiritual gangster that are like...
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Now that's a pull for the audience. Also, why not just remaster the old one? You know why? I think it's literally because people think they can't say the word master. They were probably like, we can't say that word. Master's not from, I don't, from what I understand of all the words in our vocabulary that are horrible that you probably shouldn't say, master, from what I understand, is from mast on a ship.
I mean, bad things happen on ships that ships are what? Oh, no. Maybe. Do you think it comes from that? Master bedroom is from mast of a ship.
I believe. Yeah, but like thousands of years ago, people would live in someone's house and they were the master of the house. No, I know, but that's not why it's called that. Because you're apparently, because it's a nautical thing. It just is a coincidence. It's also master. However, I think, thanks, look it up. And your voice just went pitched up. So he still believes I'm wrong. I do know my realtor did just tell me you can say master bedroom because it's a nautical term, but you can't say walk-in closet.
Because that's ableist. I spent my whole life trying to be able to afford a walk-in closet. Now I can't even say I have one. We're going to have to call your real estate agent. Why? Because it's not a not a... No, you just Googled something random. All right. Well, whatever. This is what I was told.
I didn't say master bedroom for years because everybody said you're not supposed to say that. And then it got debunked. The term master bedroom emerged in the early 20th century with the first recorded use appearing in 1926. Okay, so that was way after slavery was abolished in America. Referring to the largest bedroom in the house typically reserved for the head of the household. I don't think it's actually a racial term, but...
I mean, I don't know. You can be a master of other things besides just, you know, people. You can gain, you can be a master in any skill. Chess, master chef, master mind, headmaster? You can be a chess master. Or a tennis. You can be a bass master. What's bass master? Oh, a fish? Like you're really good at fishing.
Cool. It is the dorkiest people want to use that. I feel like it's like a Dungeons and Dragons term. It's very unofficial. So it was used more, well, I was wrong then about it being boats. So great news, guys. I was wrong. Just in the wrong direction. I was right, but wrong. Yeah.
I don't know. I'm sure it's case by case. But the word does have like a... You do kind of go like... Yeah. When you hear it, you know? But animating the dwarves, what about that? Why do they animate them instead of just using them? I think it's this. Dwarves in Snow White are not the same as little people. The dwarves have like noses and ears. Like they would have to be in prosthetics. They're fictional things. Yes. Back in the day...
would do caricatures of types or groups of people and that's also frowned upon. So,
So I feel like if you hired a real person the same way friends of mine, I mean, this is not an exact friends of mine who are like Latina or they feel like when they act in certain roles, they want them to Latina it up, like talk a certain way. And like, like if you're a little person playing a dwarf in the movie, they're gonna be like, can you just like be more dwarfy? And they're like, no, I'm an adult. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. That's like, it's like a blackface dwarf or something.
Door face? There's no right answer. There's no right answer. Well, you know what I think it might be? Which is just maybe I have this primed in my head because the owner of the Redskins, a big part of why he didn't want to change the name is because...
He had Redskins logos all over his private jet and his like emblazoned in the wood in his ceiling of his house. You know, it was like if you are setting up an entire set with I don't know how many how many dwarves are on the movie. You have to accommodate the entire set. I can't even step up into a makeup trailer.
It's like this far off the ground. I mean, it's like danger. Like, it's like you have to change the makeup chairs. You have to like it's not accommodating at all to someone of that size. Right. I mean, most Hollywood actors are pretty much that size, but not that they have, you know, and like you can't just like, you know, be like, here, do you want some snacks at the craft store? Like you can't just scatter a bunch of muffins on the ground. The motion of death.
Throwing those little mini packs of raisins. Like a wheelbarrow, just dump it out. In like a kiddie pool on the ground. For water. And it's like the makeup artist would throw their back out trying to do touch-ups. I think there's like a very real...
thing with that. I'm sorry. Like, I know this is gonna get me in trouble. It's the same thing with a friend of mine got in trouble for having a character in a movie play autistic. And they're like, you should have hired an autistic person. And it's like, well,
most autistic people, at least the kind that she was, had the movie about can't handle the sounds and the lights. And that, you know what I mean? Like they, it's like too stressful for them. So if you did hire someone who was extremely autistic, they'd be like, you're abusing an autistic person. Cause all of these sounds, you know, so it's animated, animated, autistic person. Look at you, babe. Just solving totally normal movie. Well,
Also, I am going to defend Rachel Zegler on one front. I know that everything she says is super annoying, but she is gorgeous. We're not pretending she's ugly. We're not doing this. Also, here's the thing. Even if she is ugly, you shouldn't even know. No one should even know what she looks like. You shouldn't even... Staying a 22-year-old as ugly makes you look like a weird... It's weird if you go, oh, she's hot. But it's also weird if you go, she's ugly, because you're like... First of all, you don't get to reject a girl who is way too young for you anyway.
She's hot is weird, but also she's not hot enough. Even weirder. Okay, this movie's made for your child. Okay, do you really want Sophia Loren in this movie? Like, we're not doing this, okay? I'm not. Oh, the main slam is...
People were mad that they changed the story. Okay. They're like, he changed the story of Snow White. Okay. Well, when in 1937, when this version came out, was everyone like, this isn't what they did in Grimes fairy tale. What a dork you are, dude. Snow White is seven in the book. Are we mad? No one's kissing the seven year old. Like we've got to,
Update something. Why is nobody mad? Why am I always mad at things that no one else is mad about? The thing that really annoys me about Snow White, I cannot believe this is what it's getting got on. The story is about a woman who's 30 who hates a woman who's 20 because she's prettier than her.
And then the online guys are like, she's not pretty enough. No one sees how crazy this is. Like, is irony just canceled at this point? I mean, it's a movie about the evils of a woman in her 30s looking in a mirror.
It is a horror movie about a woman in her 30s looking in a mirror and then all hell breaks loose. I mean, this is it's about a gorgeous older woman who wants to unalive a younger woman because she's prettier than her. No one thinks that's toxic. Whistle while you work. No one thinks that's weird.
No one is corporate propaganda. This is obviously Walt Disney saying to his animators like work is fun. Just have a good attitude. Just sing more. This is literally a quote from like a Dale Carnegie like thing to his employees that are like, you know, deep throating tetanus coils while making a bridge that is now a cemetery full of workers who fell in the concrete when it was wet. It's like whistle while you work. Like what?
What? I can't. Animator strike. Hey, I got a new song for this one, guys. I did listen to the podcast episode of Behind the Bastards about Walt Disney, and he did not pay his animators. They worked crazy hours. So this is just gaslighting people. It's literally Snow White, like sweeping the floor being like, guys, stop complaining about these 23 hour days if you just whistled.
Like, it'd be fine to make 20 cents an hour. How has no one realized how evil this is? Walt Disney trying to brainwash his animators whose fingers were like nubs at this point. They're all hunchbacks by the end of the time they made the first Snow White. Ooh, Pat, what if the reason there's so many dwarves in Walt Disney movies because there are so many is is it less ink for the animators back then? Probably the number one reason.
I would say. Don't you think? Expensive ink. For real. You got to shrink these people down. They're like, we're out of ink. We just got to make these guys shorter. Yeah. I'm not even kidding. That's probably it. Am I wrong? You know I'm onto something. From what I know, there's ink that fills the whole frame, every frame. But it would have been cheaper.
Well, no. It would have been cheaper. But they do cells. But they do cells on top of the background. So the clear cells of dwarves. I'm just saying, is dwarves in the original Snow White mean less ink, which means less expensive for Walt? This guy knew how to pinch a penny. Right. He knew that whistling was free. Maybe. Maybe.
What you guys can afford? Whistling. Yourselves. I'm not going to whistle for you. It's like people say, like, there are certain things comedians shouldn't joke about. Aren't there certain things we shouldn't be able to sing about? You can't sing about making your workers be more grateful for doing hard labor. You just need an attitude adjustment. I mean, it does feel like an allegory. Back when it came out, you know, as these people were doing hard labor, they were complaining. Like, just whistle, right? Because I'm on to something.
Not only the animators, but dwarves. I'm sure the kids see themselves in the dwarves and kids were basically doing child labor back then. So like, hey, kids, just whistle while your, you know, fingers are getting smashed, making ovens full of coal. They're like, we can't whistle. We have popcorn lungs. Sorry, but just do a musical about it while your teeth are bleeding from all the chemicals. Who cares?
Like this movie is for children. You guys don't even have to watch it. I have a kid now. So I'm like looking at all this stuff trying to figure out like most kids stuff sucks. I'm sorry. The books for kids are all written by drug addicts as like a prank. I swear to God, every children's book to me feels like a dare that went too far. Like,
two guys are like, hey, dude, I bet I could sell a children's book about this like hippo that like is scared of heights. You're like, what? Half of them don't even rhyme. It's so insulting. How do you even write a kid's book? You just show them your Megan's law dot com registration. Hey, I was on to catch a predator. Can I get a book deal? Like, how does this even work? They're all like subtly very creepy. I just don't think adults need to be mad at a kid's movie. Why? Why? It's setting a bad example. OK, well, you're the one on Twitter all day calling a 22 year old girl ugly. Maybe you're setting the bad example. I don't know. Do kids know if a
movie's bad. They're like, this one's traumatic for kids. Okay. When I was five years old, my parents showed me a movie called Old Yeller. I think everything was uphill from there. Right. And then I saw that movie with the horse in the quicksand. And that is why I am on Prozac today because I have to compulsively online shop in order to numb the pain of that visual in my head.
What was the most traumatic movie you saw growing up, babe? It was R-Tax for sure. Really? But that was the name of the horse. Yeah. Was it Never Ending Story? It was Never Ending Story. I hate it. Also, by the way, oh, don't get me started on Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken. Never saw it. Huh? Never saw it. Oh, God. When they have the horse jumping into the pool. I knew it was wrong even then. What was your favorite movie growing up, babe? Probably Never Ending Story. Never Ending Story.
Movies are tough. Movies are hard. I watch a lot of shows. Actually, G.I. Joe animated movie. Final answer. The one that came out in three parts, three days in a row. Sergeant Slaughter, real dude, hosted it.
So what if G.I. Joe came out as a movie now? What would who playing G.I. Joe would make you mad the way people are mad about Snow White? Oh, dude. Like if Timothy Chalamet was like, I mean, that's like on the tip of my tongue. Obvious, you know, but I feel like there's probably even a better like a better one. But no, let's do Timothy Chalamet because because I'd be like, he's not buff.
There's no way you'd be able to do this. I watched the Bob Dylan movie on a plane on the person next to me's screen without headphones on, and I was uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable.
Dude, why the just like why do. OK, so if to win an Oscar for as a woman, you have to be a hooker. You have to be a stripper and to be a prostitute for a guy. You just have to smoke a cigarette like he's just smoking the whole time. And nothing makes me more uncomfortable than an actor who is. By the way, I'm doing the exact same thing. I just was annoyed at people doing to.
Rachel Zegler. But watching a guy like an actor, all I see is the actor trying to win an Oscar. I don't see Bob Dylan. Watching a movie with you is hard because you see behind the camera. You make me watch Joe Dirt over and over. We watched The Goonies that you hadn't seen. I had never seen The Goonies. Her comment was, whoever did the lighting is a master.
The cinematography in The Goonies is... It looks like a painting. It is beautiful. It is stunning. I'm sorry I don't like watching kids solve problems. But, like, you have to think about the man. Oh, is the kid scared? Chester Copperpot. He was a professional, and he didn't get as far as they got. It's a real thing. I don't know. What is the story of The Goonies? What's it about? It's about a bunch of friends in the goondocks. How old are they? How old? I don't know. Like...
Yes. Yes. Let's go with 12. I'm good. Already out. Yeah, but they're going to find treasure. They're going to find cut gems in marble bags and they're going to save their town. Tell them to go apologize to their parents. They saved the town. How about they go? Their parents should apologize to them. Should they maybe hire a surgeon to sew their moms back up?
Mom keeps her house now because they risk their lives. Did she keep her pelvic floor? No moms did back then. Name a mom. I just, of course, Snow White could name a mom.
If you try to make everybody happy with a movie or a TV, it's going to suck. That's the thing. This is because these movies, they try to make everybody happy. They make no one happy. I've made sitcoms. I know what this is like. Okay. Also, how soon we forget about Cats. Remember? I was like, this is the worst movie ever made. Wasn't Cats like Taylor Swift was dancing around with like a cat butthole? The press for that movie, babe, reminded me.
for the cats movie was just like jason derulo yeah talking about how they photoshopped this package smaller like oh you know they photoshopped out my hog like sick press release just so everybody i was only gonna watch it for the hog yeah now i'm not going yeah i was like derulo's in this
And tights. Here's the other thing. Just make another movie. You can't change. Just stop changing movies. It's like, let's make a female 007. Don't do that. Because what? Because you're just going to give the man that you're trying to make some feminist statement by being like, let's make a female 007. It's like, that's...
Just have a woman write a movie that's about a spy kid or whatever. And then she gets to make the money because then the man, the toxic man who only made a movie about a male spy and put like Cali Berry in a bikini or whatever thing you think is problematic about it. You're just giving that person more money. Okay. Humans.
don't like change is all I'm saying. I'm saying this as a strategist and a marketing person. They don't like change, says the person whose podcast studio is different every week. They don't like change. My neighbor still wears Oakley's, you guys. Men still wear Teva's. When a pothole gets filled on my street, honestly, I kind of miss it.
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Also, Rachel Ziegler, I hate to break it to you, she's going to be fine. Her eyes are very far apart. And these days, that is a Darwinian advantage. Elan will add her to CART and make her his next concubine baby maker. Speaking of genetics, 23andMe is bankrupt. Was that not an incredible segue?
That's great. I'm so good at segues. It's ridiculous, but they make me feel shame and they have picked me energy. So I never get to do any of them, but just wanted to show that off for you, dude, 23 and me.
is all out of spit. I guess no one's using 23andMe anymore when bankrupt. I feel like everyone's all out of spit from drinking too much prime energy drink and Adderall. There's an Adderall shortage, okay? No one has any spit left for this pyramid scheme scam. But everyone was doing 23andMe. I mean, it was ubiquitous for a minute. And I feel like now the DEI is over. No one needs proof that they're 2% Native American or 1% African. They're like, I don't need this. Now that Trump's in office, everyone's trying to prove they're white.
Everyone's trying to prove they're 100% white. They're like, no, you got to believe me, man. Like, look at this. This is me at a Dave Matthews concert in 2004. And I have a hemp braided bracelet that's kind of dirty that I never take off. And I have that look. I've got that seashell necklace every dude was wearing for a while with a shirt that says no fear. I promise, man. Look at me. I'm fully white. I didn't know you did a background check on me. Okay.
I promise I'm fully white. Look, I have cargo pants with nothing in the pockets. I'll spend you my, the new 23andMe to prove you're white is just to send your Spotify wrapped. Look at Zach Bryan and Coldplay and Lex Friedman. Just look at the top drawer of my closet. It's full of hacky sacks. I swear, throw me a hacky sack. Watch what happens, dude. I promise. Yeah, I promise I'm white. I listened to reggae in the early aughts. What is the relationship between skateboarders and hacky sackers?
None. Is that like the relationship between stand-up comedians and like mimes? Yes, but we do hack circles at gas stations on tour, but we usually use a soccer ball that's slightly deflated. Okay. Just a little bit, and then we do that. Like a real hacky sack is like whack. Really? A wacky sack, if you will. I don't like it as much. Okay. Well, they're both ridiculous. Can men just hang out?
Do they have to bring like a ball into it? You have to make a game into it? We whistle. Yeah, yeah. You have to like do some kind of thing. Anything to not go to the doctor. 23andMe always felt weird. You know, I was always on some, I mean, first of all, it sounds like, you know, 23andMe sounds like Leonardo DiCaprio wrote a book about the oldest woman he's ever dated. And I guess I just, it's amazing a business had a worse name than Forever 21. Shocking. I dated 23andMe. And do you know what my feedback was? Pat, do you even remember this?
They were able to process it? Nope. They couldn't complete the analysis? Why not? No DNA? Because you're a robot? I didn't put enough spit
I didn't spit enough. I didn't put enough spit in the sample. I paid for it. They, I paid for it. I spit in it. They emailed me saying you're an ashy ass mouth dehydrated mess. Honestly, that is really good feedback. That is better than your fourth grandfather was made West and you have cancer. Like I was like, yeah, I'm dehydrated. Like I actually did change.
When you can't get your 23andMe sample in because you don't have enough spit, that is a rock bottom. No one thought that was weird to give your spit to some tech dorks. We put tape over our computer cameras and then...
think it's okay to gag into Tupperware phalluses and FedEx it to a bunch of dorks who've never seen a naked woman. I would rather give blood than spit at this point. Spit is very intimate and I save it for my lover and my baby's face. I would not, I would rather give my tears than my spit at this point. I would rather cry into a tube based and based on the amount of tears, you could probably tell a lot more from my parents' choices. Yeah.
than my actual ancestry. I just with privacy, we just cannot pick a lane. We don't want to be tracked and we want to VPN. But then we let clear at the airport, scan our eyeball and fax it to Russia. Like you have a VPN on your computer, but you have nine illegitimate children in Illinois. Like, can we I'm allowed to say that as an illegitimate child?
The eyeball kiosk. You guys play extra at the airport to Xerox your retina so that you can be the first person to be in the tube of farts. Cool. We don't I just it's we don't want people to like see our Google searches, but we like accept all cookies every day. It's over.
I find it freeing that just like everyone has everything. You have my DNA. You have, you know, it's like, fine, read my text, read my emails. I find it freeing that there's no privacy anymore because you know what it makes me do, Pat? The right thing.
I don't have to worry about what I should say or what I shouldn't say because I just operate as if like I am in court. How do I not lose custody of my son in 10 years? That's how I send every text message. I'm like, is this going to lose me custody of my child in 10 years? That's it. Okay. Which is why I don't get, that's why I don't know anything about Andrew Tate. I'm not watching that video. You're not going to drag me into this. I'm not going to watch the violence video about that. And it means I do not get to afford a lot of very hilarious memes to my friends, but I sleep like a baby.
How about that? Okay, so Pat is coming in today with a level of audacity that I have not witnessed since my dad had the audacity to tell me that I was going to be able to finish school because the bill was paid. What was that, Pat? Why? Like, here's the thing.
Being around men, I'm in a male-dominated field. I forget how much I've normalized. Like, it is completely normal to me that grown men during work hours on a weekday will assess and try to predict who would win in a fight between two wild animals in different configurations. They'll talk about it for hours. And I guess that since I've, you know...
been pregnant and in a postpartum existential crisis for a year, I kind of like forgot. So Pat has come in and would like to talk about some kind of battle. Proceed, Pat.
Well, you did a TikTok live today. I did a TikTok live. And I just wanted to know if you had done any battles on TikTok. If I'd done any battles on TikTok. I battle for my self-esteem every day on TikTok. Okay? I battle to get into that algorithm. How are the stats on that? The stats...
Well, I'll have you know, I'm not getting in the algorithm currently on TikTok because number one, I stopped talking about Blake Lively. And that just makes you completely irrelevant at this point. Number two, I used a skin filter and two of my videos were flagged as AI. They think I'm a robot because of their own filter or maybe just because of how dead my eyes are. I'm not sure, but I'm not getting an algorithm because they think I'm a robot. That's upsetting. I agree. I'm flattered.
I think I'd rather people think that I look. Why is when someone say you look like a robot, I think it is a compliment. I'm like, thank you. Oh, my God. Like, I'd rather have no, I just think no wrinkles when in fact, they're probably just saying your eyes are dead. And there's no inner light coming from you. I think that's what they're actually saying. And you're repeating yourself over and over again. Chris knows nothing about that.
I, okay. So what is the battle pad? Do you want to just, I mean, we're blue balling everybody with this. Yeah. So somebody joins your live and then you're, you literally go head to head and then the audience gives you guys head on what?
that's what i want you can you can literally just stare at the camera or you can compete and like come up with a game to play but basically the audience just says it's a popularity contest who does the audience like better and they give you guys gifts and whoever gets the most gifts we should play a game called female comedian against any other person and watch the other it could be a serial killer it could be literally like diddy
And Diddy would win against a female comedian. I mean, by the way, the fact that you think that like, oh, Whitney's going to go on a TikTok and battle people. You know that being a female comedian going on live is just battling people. That's all you do. All people do is go like, you look 50. Why do you look so old? And then I'm like, well, I stopped getting Botox. And they're like, well, you look old. And then if I ever do a Botox, they're like, you get Botox. And I'm like, is this just it? Yeah.
The analog version of TikTok battling is, and it brings me much joy, is when a coffee place has two tip jars and it'll be like this team versus this team or Han Solo looks Skywalker and it's like you feel inclined to tip in one of the jars just to cast your vote. But it's just...
They just tricked you. They got me. But I'm in. But I'm in. I'm down. Because you're so wired to like be on a side. So Luke Skywalker versus the other person you said, Hans, which one would you do? By the way, I love that baristas knew how to get men to tip. It was just bring Star Wars into it. That's it. Make me think about Star Wars before I've had my coffee. Yeah. Or there's like Die Hard 1, Die Hard 3. Which one would you do?
With a vengeance, for sure. Which one's that? That's three. Okay. I didn't know there were three Die Hard movies. I did not know that. I thought there was the Christmas one. There's four, I believe, right? The first one's the Christmas one. Does that mean die with an erection? Is that why you guys like it? Like, till the end. Really dead. I will die hard. I would watch out if my corpse is... If there's a viewing of me when I'm dead...
Watch, I'm going to steal your girl. My corpse is going to steal your girl. Is that it? Is that what's called die hard? Why else would it be called that? It's whatever every man's dream. I'm not kidding. Is that what it's supposed to mean? Yeah, it's like die dead enough or wake up dead or like a boner till the end.
Take a blue chew before you. Every time you go into a situation where you might perish, take a blue chew just so everybody just knows what's up. If somebody jumps out and scares you just immediately big. Hold on. Is that everybody's experience? Like as a man, is it you're like it's every woman's experience that I would drown because then you would see me without makeup on.
Is that every guy's nightmare? Is that you die and then they look at your corpse and you're like not, you died in like a pool? Yeah. When you drowned, you're worried you're going to have shrinkage. When I drown, I'm worried you're going to see my face without makeup. Just the worst couple. Yeah.
It'd be like, this makes sense. You two, yeah, you two belong together. And then why did we drown? If you and I drowned, it meant that one of your 3D printed miniatures were at the bottom of the pool and we couldn't get it.
yeah or we were like let's swim out to that rock we don't swim we did that once remember we were in uh oh in california on the way to san jose and i wanted to get like an influencer photo on a rock in the middle of the lake for no reason i didn't post it i'm not even that person and i was like take the boat we were like rowing this little boat and it was like super romantic and cute and i couldn't not be toxic i was like i want to go stand on that rock and like
Like, I don't be in ketosis and, like, be a Leo. Like, I haven't... People talk about their inner child. I have an inner influencer that I...
And not control. And I was like, I can park this boat. I'm a man. He pulled me up. The fact that more influencer couples don't die is shocking. So we go up to this boat. I get off it. It's covered in slime and sea smegma. Clam, snail, or whatever. And I'm standing on it. And I'm like, there's a strong chance I am going to fall off this and crack my skull open.
This isn't for a campaign. There's no paid partnership here. You and I are the only paid partnership at this point, unpaid partnership of this relationship. And I made you like take a photo of me on a rock in the middle of the lake. Have it even posted. I'll send you the photo. Send the video? I'll send the video and the photo. And then when you were coming up, I was like, this is either going to end our relationship because if you didn't get the photo, I was going to be so mad. And I was like, oh, I don't have an inner child. I have an inner influencer who just wants to like unbox everything.
Well, that's the tricky thing, too, is I had to drive the boat around and the boat wanted to move. And then I was like trying to shoot the photo of you and get the right angle. So I didn't blow it. Meanwhile, you were about to like, like slip and sack a rock. You know why that boat sucks so bad? Because it's a she.
Oh. You guys are trusted. You guys make boats, girls. I thought I was going to hit a rock, capsize the boat, and then we were going to be walking back around the lake. Tim, a rock? Sorry. Never. Tim, a rock? She does funny things like leave out ring sizers and stuff like that. I do not. Ha, ha, ha.
I do not. Okay. I do funny things and I will own them, but that is not one of them. I do have a ring sizer. I do. It's like, it's like your key chain. Perfectly. Like an eight. It has like 500 ring sizes, like 7.5, 7.2. It has them all. It's like your janitor keys. No, they're in my bathroom and not in a drawer, which means you go through my drawers. It's not left out. It was on the sink.
That's your fault. When I saw it, I don't know why. And it was singled out to exactly your ring. Because I wanted to measure your wiener. I was like, oh. I took a photo of it. It must have been out for something. I'll send you that photo too. No, there was do not, do not, do not. Okay. I know I got that for a reason. And how dare you embarrass me in front of YouTube. Why did I have that out? But you know, it was like a thing of a bunch. Yeah, it's a ring. It's a ring sizing. But you didn't measure it. You don't know what the size is.
They were all bunched. And then there was one up here. But that's not my I didn't measure my ring finger. You would have to measure it. So you don't have my ring size to be clear. So put your welding tools down because you don't have my ring size to be very clear.
If you think I don't have your ring size, that's crazy. If you think I left out my ring size, I'm like some kind of psychopath. I had your ring size at like three months. You've been thinking about this that whole time. Like you've been thinking I did that. When you hear something about the person you're with and they're like, oh, I just thought you were doing this. And I'm like, and you stayed? Yeah. You thought I just left my couch. You were helping me. I thought you were so helpful. I was like, what a...
What a gem. I had so many other things I was going to talk about, but Snow White really monopolized this. Really took it. Really took it. Do you have any notes for me, babe? Any feedback? Anything that I said that made you less attracted to me? That never happens. No, the thing about calling exes, yeah, that was probably the last. The joke? The joke. About I drank wine that didn't make me call exes? Yeah.
I don't. I'm kidding. I don't. I'm kidding. Oh, my God. The fact that I just I was like, you're mad at me for making a joke. I know. I know. But sometimes you make jokes like real chill. Who does? But it did bother you a little bit. No. Really? Yeah.
You guys, it might be time to wrap up the podcast. Chris Cole's checking his watch. No, I'm settling a score of a friend who said, hey, that heel flip trick you do in the beginning of In Bloom, what is that called? My son and I are arguing about it and he thinks it's called something. I think it's called something else. So I told him what it was actually called. It's called what? I'm 43 years old and it's called a heel flip spin out.
I've never heard of a spin-off before. Well, neither have they. How many tricks do you think you've invented? A few. I don't know. 17. 18. That's not a few. No. A few. I don't have any named after me, though. Can we make one and name it? Can I design a trick? Nobody can do that. Do you need to take a call? Yeah. Yep. Oh, it's his daughter. Okay, yes. Tell her I said hi. I love you guys, as always. Don't ride elephants. Aww. I'm big enough like you're a human bike. Dave? You slept with your ex. Excuse me.
I love it here. Is that weird?