Shownotes Transcript
Oh, hey, y'all. Whitney Cummings here. You know me. You know I just can't stop trying to make drunk strangers laugh. It's my kink. I'm going to be in Phoenix, Arizona on April 19th. May 2nd, I'll be in Lexington, Kentucky. May 18th, I'll be in Indianapolis, Indiana, trying to get your approval and love. What, Pat? Didn't that say May 3rd? What did I say? 18th. I said...
People will be like, what are you doing? Is this why my managers keep asking for shout outs? I keep promoting the wrong dates. Anyway, May 3rd, I will be in Indianapolis, Indiana, May 19th. I'll be in Chattanooga. Okay. Okay. Why does it say Chattanooga TH? I don't know. Oh yeah. I copied it. I hope the poster doesn't say that. Mikey.
No, it says TN. But I did a visual grab of the... What did I just say? Instead of May 9th? Do not cut any of this. I want people to know. You said May 19th, I think. Hmm. Interesting. Interesting. We might need to make the font a little bit bigger or make my Prozac prescription a little stronger. May 19th, I'll be in Chattanooga. May 9th?
We'll do it again. Okay, okay, okay. Let me tell you what just happened. I'm going to tell you what just happened because now I know what happened. Beneath it, it's May 10th and I took the one and I carried the one. You're subconsciously doing addition. I'm doing division, long division for no reason. Okay. No, no, no. It's fine. I was just, let me just. Here's the mistake you made, Pat. You put two dates together.
within six miles of each other. Oh, you stacked them. May 9th, I'm coming to Chattanooga, Tennessee. May 10th, I'll be in Knoxville, Tennessee. May 25th, I'm going to be in Las Vegas, Nevada. Then I'm coming to Canada, July 18th, Winnipeg. August 9th, Halifax. August 22nd, Calgary. Now I'm just reading it all just to prove to you that I am literate. September 12th. Sorry, hold on.
September 12th, I'll be in Vancouver. Fifth, Ridgefield, Connecticut to show September 6th, Huntington, New York, Richmond, Virginia, September 19th, Norfolk, Virginia, September 20th. I went to high school near the city. So if you're one of my exes, come on down. October 3rd, I'll be in Toronto. Fourth of October, I'll be in Baltimore, Maryland. Let's go. October 25th, Fayetteville, Arkansas. Then the 25th,
Hot Springs, Arkansas. November 21st, I'm in Redding, Pennsylvania. Then Philly, let's go on the 22nd. Then Fort Lauderdale in December the 5th. And then New Orleans the 6th of December. You don't want to miss this. I wouldn't if I were you.
Action! Hi, everyone. Pat yelled action, and you know what that means. It's time for me to talk for an hour again this week. It's every... It's relentless. I mean, it really is. Like, oh, God, the podcast is out. I've got to... We need to tape tomorrow for next week? So...
last week was a big a bit we talked about tariffs right we talked about i let me just cut to it i have tourette's so i have to just tell you guys something i probably shouldn't our account for some reason on youtube we have been labeled a political advertising channel yes and i don't know why are you pat pat it's raining down on us or am i a puppet am i a puppet
Am I a puppet of the deep state? Unwittingly. Yeah. What am I? Well, clearly, honestly, this is how they get you. It's like I'd have to respond to an email to stop being a puppet and I just can't. So why do you think that we're a political advertising feed? Because I'm taken so seriously for my political acumen. Yeah. Campaigns are building their case around the show. What is that? Is that what is it like for real?
I think any time there's advertising involved with a show that mentions any political figure, categorize them. So all comedy podcasts that talk about politicians or current events. We're not the only ones dealing with it, I'm sure. Yeah, no, no. Okay, so I'm not special. Okay, I didn't get the memo that I'm the only person that anything's ever happened to. That said, I would like to take a break from talking about politics, please. I just, you know, I can't. You know what's wild? Like,
I remember when talking about politics was like boring and rude and like uncomfortable and not exciting in any capacity. Like the fact, I mean, everyone I know just wants to talk about politics. I'm like, how? I never heard my parents growing up. Has it always been this way or am I just... When you're a kid, you're not really tuned in that well to like how...
interesting and bizarre it is. - You weren't tuned in because your parents loved you. If your parents didn't love you, you had to know everything that was going on. If you're not talking to me, what are you talking about? And to who? About what? Who's this Jimmy Carter guy that you seem to be so obsessed with? - Who's this Dan Quayle? - Who's this Dan Quayle that you're watching on TV instead of feeding your daughter?
I don't ever remember them talking about politics. Like I, I never heard them. I mean, I didn't hear them talk much. They weren't around that much, but when they were around, they didn't argue about politics. Okay. My parents argued about who was a worst parent. They argued about my dad cheating on my mom, like normal people. They argued to gaslight each other. They argued for the love of the game, not for the fake good of humanity. I don't even think they voted.
There's no way my parents voted. They would have had to settle on an identity to vote. I think you have to pay taxes in order to vote. They'd have to tell someone their real name at some point. Or my mom's last name was Cumming, and my dad's is Cummings. I think that's how they bonded, just on... You get bullied a lot, too. That's the only thing they had in common. But I...
I think it's too embarrassing. You'd have to tell someone your last name is coming. You're like, I'm not going to vote this time around. I don't remember that. I remember them watching the news, but only when it was a war. Like, I remember Desert Storm being on. You'd watch it to see if, like, your son was going to go to war. My dad watched it just to see if he had to pick up his kid that day. Like, shouldn't...
Do you know what I mean? It was like, is my son going to go die in the desert? Like, you know, I don't think I remember any of this. You know what I'm saying? Growing up, the adults I was around would watch Golden Girls. People used to rather watch old women bicker than talk about politics. Like, anything but politics. Like, I feel like if The View didn't have politics, it'd be the number one show on TV. Like, it's just the politics. We didn't watch the news. We would watch Cops, which...
If you guys grew up on cops, you would not want to defund the police. So Google it. If you want to like cops again, that show is savage. They watched OJ Simpson drive on a freeway for two months. Anything but politics was the point. OK, if you didn't go to school for political science, the idea of you talking about politics was like actually like crazy.
It'd be like, like today, if someone was lecturing you about psychology without a psychology degree, you'd, oh, that's all of Instagram now. It would be so weird to weigh in on politics back then without having like a degree. It would be like, like someone from Sephora, like weighing in on nuclear physics. You'd be like, oh yeah, that's not, like they wouldn't even think to say anything. Or you would just be like, oh, I don't have to listen to you because you don't know what you're talking about. You know, like now truly people are like, my aunt that sells Mary Kay, she's like,
has thoughts about Israel. Let me read your Facebook post. Like you used to just be like, that person's crazy. And that person thinks they know more than they do. Now I think it's weird because everybody's like, everyone's so mean to each other on the internet. I think it's the opposite. I think we're way too respectful. We're actually listening when people talk about politics and then respond. We used to just ignore people. We used to be like, oh gosh, like
You know, Aunt Wendy's talking about politics again. You would just like go in the other room. You wouldn't be like, okay, so then, okay, so what do you mean? Then what is that? Then why is he in the tribunal? There's something weird about how we actually listen to people when they talk. It's actually, there's something really sweet about it. I actually think our nature is way sweeter than we give ourselves credit for, you know? I just don't, I don't know. Why am I listening to someone on the internet talk about politics from their car without wearing a seatbelt? Like, why am I, why aren't I just,
keeping going. Why don't I report abuse? I don't know. I just want to go back to talking about things I know about, okay? Like Minecraft. Did that get us trending?
Did that get us in the algo? I'm not going to talk about the women's base again. I'm only going to talk about the reaction to the women in the space. OK, people are like, it's fake. Like this footage is fake. You can find footage of Michael Strahan and Shatner like floating around. Same exact footage. You know, I don't know if it's fake. I don't care. I hope honestly, I hope it was fake. Why would we want real footage of this? Do you guys not remember the Challenger?
I was too young. I do remember, though, my older brother like came home one day, just like just gone mentally. And this was when they they put a teacher in a rocket ship in like the 80s. Was it like the 80s? And it crashed live on TV like like teachers like rolled a TV set into the and everyone watched kids crowded around and watched TV.
this thing break in half on live TV. I was too young. I remember, dude, going into space as a woman used to just be synonymous with dying.
It's like a woman going into the woods. You're like, she on her period. Like it's women are going to space. You know how that goes. I think that they should probably cover their asses and maybe like shoot some fake footage in Burbank just to make sure that we don't get traumatized like that. Why would Bezos allow footage of himself face planting to get out? Well, that's the exact thing you do to make it seem real. That's right. You're like, that's exactly it. The whole did look fake.
that he fell in. Like, why is there a hole on the ground for no reason? It's like, hey guys, just dig a hole real quick that's like right there that I didn't fall in so that it looks real. Real housewives in space. Just do it. Just make the show. Put a bunch of rich women in space. Gayle King, dude, she had to come out and make a statement saying, I'm
but about the backlash. That's how bad it is. They were like, wow, you guys are being mean to us. Like, this is so disappointing. Like, you know, because Gail was actually terrified to go. Like, that was the craziest thing to me is you would just see Gail like, I don't know about this. I don't really want to do this, you know, which is like no one cared about that. Like, you know, but also it's not I don't think it's that dangerous. Gail King, of course, she's scared to go to space. She's Oprah's best friend, like flying commercial from Montecito to the Hamptons is probably terrifying at this point. Like she's
You know, this is like a Southwest seat compared to how she's used to flying. But here's what I will say. I just want you guys to just calm down, first of all. Relax, especially if you're a woman, relax.
We're all going to space. Okay. This is, this is not, you know where this is going, right? This is in 10 years, this, the, the blue origin, it will be a ride. It will be at Disneyland. Like the same people complaining about the blue origin flight right now, we'll be buying Groupons for their kids in 10 years. Like rich people just get to do it first. Like the same thing probably happened with like roller coasters when they first came out, you know, they're like, Oh, look at these idiots. But fun. Doing that.
And then a couple of women were like, let's go together so we don't get murdered. Let's go in a group in our core sets. And I was like, look at these women. I mean, I'm sure the first women on roller coasters were just trying to get rid of
pregnancies they didn't want. I'm just saying, like, I think that this has always maybe same thing happened with cruise ships. When cruise ships came out, I think probably were like, oh, why are these rich people going on these big boats like the Titanic? They were like, why are all these rich people going on this thing that's super dangerous on this mission to the unknown? It's because they can't feel anything anymore.
That's why. Why are those rich people going on that boat when it's so extreme and unsafe? It's near glaciers. It's because they want to get away from the poor people. It's very simple. They'd rather drown in the ocean and hit an iceberg than be on land with the poor. Rich people would rather go to space than be around. The billionaires, they go on the Titanic to get away from poor people. And then 100 years later, another billionaire went down to sea with the poor.
The wreckage of the, that's how bad he wanted to get away from poor people. He's like, they had it right. I'd rather drown as well. Okay. Rich people would rather drowned looking at a boat where other rich people drowned than be near us. Okay. I don't, I also, what's the big whoop.
Lauren Sanchez, she wants to see girls go into space. Good. Great. That'd be great. Also, here's another thing. Maybe it's not for us. I feel like it's for kids. You know when people complain about something and you're like, this isn't for you. Like, why did you even see this? You know, it's like when men in their 50s are like, hey, I watched Euphoria. It was a little extreme. Like, you watched it? How do you even know? Why'd you even click? What?
I know it was a little racy. I'm like, you're complaining about something that you never should have watched in the first place. All right. I just, who, she let her do her thing. It's for kids. Okay. Lauren Sanchez wrote a book. It's about a fly who went to space. My kid loves it. You can't sell books any other way anymore. You're not going to sell books with
Kathy and Hoda. All right. Lauren Sanchez isn't going to drive to Marc Maron's garage and talk for three hours about how comedies change. She's going to go sell her book and live her life. She's going to go up into space and move the book. She's a business woman. All right. And I'm going to take notes. And I want to be very clear with you. When I write a children's book, I will pull out all the stops. All right. I already went through hell with writing my last book.
You know how hard it is to promote a book? I waited eight months to promote a book. I spent two years writing a book, and then I waited eight months to promote it. I went all over the country. The day that I was parading my wares, I went on the Today Show to promote my book. I'm standing in the wings. This is my day, my moment. And they said, Whitney, we're not promoting your book today. I'm like, why? It's the only thing that matters. Okay, I've had a hard life. I had eating disorders.
I've had a hard life. I had depression once. I was in a toxic relationship. Okay. And I need people to know about it. I need to help. And they were like, well, people were shot in Las Vegas. And I was like, okay. So there was a shooter in Vegas. That was a very hard day for me. If I ever write a book again, I will fake my own death if I have to. You think I'm kidding.
OK, I will marry Andrew Tate, whatever gets me in the algo. I will have sparked romance rumors with Russell Brand if I have to. OK, I'll visit Ghislaine. I will literally put a link to my book over my birth video. There was a time that sending a woman to space, FYI, was just a reference for the guy from Moonstruck threatening to punch his wife to the moon.
That's what it used to be. So I guess I'm just curious why everybody's so mad that rich people are doing rich things. Like, who cares? At least they didn't bring their kids into it. That's what guys do. The Sequest guy, the rich guy that wanted to not go to space, but go down to look at the Titanic, he brought his kid.
And in an Easy-Bake oven underwater that was controlled by a PlayStation remote off Craigslist. So can we just, at least they're not bringing children into that. Rich people bring their kids on rickety helicopters all the time. At least they didn't bring kids into it, right? I think, isn't the reason they're mad is because they're hot? Like, it's just that, they're all hot. Of course women went. They asked a bunch of guys, but then they saw the spacecraft and it looked like a giant d***. And they were like, yeah, we can't board a giant d***.
and fly into the moon. We just can't do that. Also, why is no one talking about the fact that William Shatner and Michael Strahan went to space? 2021, was it talked about? Do we care? No one cared about that. No one cared when Shatner went to space. Okay, Shatner went on the Blue Origin, the same thing that all these women on. He made a movie about it, a documentary about it. Okay, it was 11 minutes, who cares? He made a documentary about it, all right? And
And instead of like being fun when he came back, like, oh, we went to the moon. How fun. Yeah. Katy Perry was kissing the ground. Fine. Fine. That was a lot. But she's also kissed way worse things. Let's be honest. I just feel like he he wasn't even happy about it. And we're like, yeah, that's how you're supposed to behave. You're supposed to be ungrateful and grumpy. He complained that when he went to space, it made him sad. And no one was like, hey, Katy.
rich guy gets to do something that's super cool that everyone would want to do and can't even enjoy it. And it's not complaining about it. And we have to hear about it, how sad he is. Like rich dude in space complaining. He said it caused him grief. We didn't trash him about this. I'm going to read what William Shatner said about going to space verbatim. And you tell me if Gail King and Katy Perry, you know, putting on a giant blue Spanx and doing it is as annoying as this.
He said, I had a thought that going into space would be the ultimate catharsis of that connection I had been looking for between all living things. That being up there would be the next beautiful step in understanding the harmony of the universe. In the film Contact, when Jodie Foster's character goes to space and looks out into the heavens, she let out an astonished whisper. They should have sent a poet.
I had a different experience because I discovered the beauty isn't out there. Okay. You were shocked you had a different experience than the fake movie? By the way, Jodie Foster didn't have that experience. No one had it. He's like, I've been in fake space my whole career. Then I went into real space. Like, not that much better. Yeah.
Like no craft services up there. Like how far gone is this dude? He said, I had a different experience. I discovered that beauty isn't out there. It's down here with all of us. What? By the way, this was in 2021. I guess it was before the whole planet was on fire. The beauty is not down here. I got to be really clear with you. It's definitely not on planet Earth. Whatever you saw from up there isn't here anymore. OK, we're all chock full of roundup.
He wrote, it was among the strongest feelings of grief I have ever encountered. Imagine how much of an a**hole you are if one of the hardest days of your life was when you were flying into space with Jeff Bezos making a movie for yourself and you were bummed because you didn't get to...
be Jodie Foster for a minute. Like I had to read this so you guys have to hear about it because I can't deal with this alone. He wrote, in contrast between the vicious coldness of space and the warm nurturing of earth below filled me with overwhelming sadness. What? Sadness? This is what makes men sad? His four ex-wives are just like, oh really? What if I'm drowning in a pool?
He's like, this is when you actually feel sad? When you're up there with all the billionaires going into space, being a pretend astronaut? Oh, now you're sad. This is what did it? What a... This is what filled you with overwhelming sadness. Being so rich that nothing made you feel anything. You needed to find gratitude somewhere. Somewhere. Because your life is so miserable being rich and famous. And then you get up in the sky and it still didn't work.
So when you go back down, now you're going to have to do ketamine. What a bummer. What is this? Every day we are confronted with the knowledge of further destruction of Earth at our hands. Oh, he wrote about flora and fauna. What an ass. No one says flora and fauna. Don't be an asshole. So I'm not going to read the rest of this because I just can't. I'm sure he'll sue me for like copyright infringement or something or marry me or do something to ruin my life. He wrote, my trip to space was supposed to be a celebration. Instead, it felt like a funeral.
He's been to a funeral for his wife. It felt like that. No one got no one was like, this is crazy. But the girls that got went to dry bar to get a blowout and they're going up in space and having fun like that's where we draw the line. He wrote, I learned later that I was not alone in this feeling. So you were talking to people about this.
Oh, my God. Imagine having to like see William Shatner. He's like, yeah, I just went to space. I was like, I wasn't. He's like, I was like being at a funeral. They're like, cool. So he talked about it so much that someone said that this is a common thing called the overview effect. And it's not uncommon among astronauts, but he's not an astronaut.
He's like, yeah, all the astronauts go through this. But you're not one. You're an actor. You don't get to get in on this. You don't get to get in on the sadness of being an astronaut. It's another thing I have in common with astronauts. Totally. I'm just saying that there was a space mission with guys. Nobody seemed to care. It was like very, very... It was like... Because that's what we expect. We're like, oh, Michael Strahan and the guy from, you know, Big Bang. He was on...
the guy from Star Trek and all the sitcoms, like, oh, he's up in space. Like that tracks, like that's not news. You know, here's the thing about the gals going to space. I know you're really mad. Good news, bad news. This is like not the thing you should even be the most mad about. Like if you're going to be mad, like you should maybe just think about the fact that the people that are going to space right now,
They're probably up there taking a gander at real estate for when the nukes come. They have a backup plan. Like, they're not just like, I need a photo shoot. Like, they're looking for a plan B. Okay? They don't, trust me. They're like, yeah, no, we need to figure out, you know, what our next move is here. Okay?
They're while you guys like, oh, I'm mad at them. They're like, cool. You're mad at us. Cool. We're going to live in space soon while you guys burn alive in this nightmare while you guys inhale tires. Did you see the wall inhaling tires? They're like, yeah, we're going to go up to space. First of all, we're in our 50s. We don't want to be around gravity anymore. I get it.
I would love to live in space because I don't want to get Botox again. And they're just like, we're going to just go up there real quick and do a space mission. Meanwhile, they're like adding to car real estate on Mars that BlackRock has not bought up yet. Like rich people always know something that we don't know. OK, it's like when rich people moved to Austin.
The same thing. Like, why are those moving to Austin? Because they know the tax codes. That's why they're rich. If rich people are going to space, there's a reason they're going to space. OK, there's something up there that we don't know about. Lauren Sanchez is so rich at this point that she's probably homeless. If you have houses between Malibu, Hamptons and Palm Springs, aren't you currently homeless? All of those places burned down in shady fires this year. And that's not weird at all.
If you're rich, you might just have to go to space because it's the only place that won't catch on fire. This should make people stop wanting to be rich so bad. You know, like everyone's like, this is wrong. Meanwhile, you're posting, you know, get money, get money, hustle, hustle, hustle to do what? The whole point is to get a yacht and then you're going to be bored of the yacht and then you're going to get a plane and you're bored of the plane and then you've been to Italy and you've been to Monaco and the pyramids and you can't, you've seen it all. There's nothing to see anymore. When you do the hustle, I got it, I got it. And then you get there and this is what happens.
Okay? It's like porn. Like, you watch so much that all of a sudden you're like stepsister and brother at a reunion. Like, this is what it's always going to go to. Okay? So just know, everyone's trying to hustle and make money. Just know if you do get all that money, the final frontier is going to space. And then everyone on the internet will make fun of you. That's as good as it gets. That's as good as it gets. That's the end.
You guys, I don't know if you know this, but Pat and I are like family at this point. And his mother makes this incredible sourdough bread and she used to bring it to me. Like I'm obsessed with sourdough bread and and she'd make it and Pat would bring it to me. And it was like this huge deal. But I recently discovered wild grain. And Pat, I think you need to tell your mom to go herself. I don't want it anymore. OK, she doesn't know what she's doing. OK, she's a hack.
I discovered wild grain, a.k.a. the easiest way to turn your freezer into a bakery. Wild grain is the first ever Bake From Frozen subscription box. Is this what your mom's been doing, by the way? What if your mom's just been using wild grain this whole time? Honestly, that would explain why the bread is so delicious. It's Bake From Frozen, a subscription box for artisanal bread, fresh pasta, pastries you pop in the oven straight from the freezer.
From frozen under 30 minutes, boom, your kitchen smells like you live inside a French cafe, minus the creeps. We're talking crusty sourdough, buttery croissants, hand-cut pasta, zero stress, no need to pretend. You know how to bake, Pat's mom. You can drop the facade.
Everything's made with clean ingredients and delivered straight to your door on your schedule. If you're gluten-free or plant-based, no problem. They have boxes for that too, but not a boyfriend or girlfriend. Right now, they're offering $30 off your first box plus free croissants in every box for life. That's right, free croissants forever. That's literally like what I...
pray for. Like, can I just have croissants forever? That's wild. Use code Whitney at checkout and get 30% off plus lifetime. That's so a lifetime of croissants. Use code Whitney at checkout to get $30 off plus lifetime croissants. That's wild grain, no thawing, no mess, just fresh from the oven magic in 25 minutes or less.
Oh, gosh. Are you guys... What's happening? Are you guys still eating the same three meals on repeat like it's culinary groundhog day? Is that what we're doing? Let's fix that with Home Chef. Home Chef delivers fresh, free portioned ingredients and chef-designed recipes straight to your door. They've got over 35 meals and 18 extras per week with options for every diet and mood, including five-ingredient meals, oven-ready kits, and even a family menu is perfect for busy people, picky eaters, or anyone who's just...
over the grocery store roulette. The last meal I made from Home Chef was a garlic butter steak and roasted green beans. Tasted like something from a steakhouse and I didn't even burn anything. Best of all, it saves you time, money, and that weird internal guilt loop of I should eat better, but also pizza.
Right now, Home Chef is offering from your first box free shipping and free dessert for life. What? You will have free dessert for life as long as you are a subscriber. Dessert for life. Go to HomeChef.com slash Whitney and thank me later. You might not be able to find a job, but you will have dessert and croissants for life. We literally are just France now.
Here's the mistake they made. Do you really want to know the mistake they made, Pat? They didn't bring the loudest flat earther. That's such a good idea. They should have just brought Sam Tripoli. That's so funny. Just bring Marjorie Taylor Greene and just be like, here's the thing. The biggest mistake they made
What do you think I think it is? They landed. They should have crashed. This is it. They didn't have to die. I'm just saying. They'd have murals and, you know, we love them. They should have got injured some little bit. They needed something to go wrong. It can't go too well. If something goes too well now, we're like, it's fake.
You know what I'm saying? Right? Like anytime something goes well, we're like, I don't know about that. So they either needed to fake a crash or just really crash or something. Like a rough landing. Yeah. They needed to maybe get like a shoulder pop out. Like they needed concussions maybe. Something, something. Also, who's making fun of them? Are people like publicly making fun of them? Are we sure these people just didn't get invited? I'm just curious. Yes.
Because sometimes that happens with girls. I don't, I just know that if I don't get invited to a wedding, the wedding is stupid and they spend too much money on the wedding. I'm just saying, I don't know. I'm sure this is gonna get me in trouble. I just do believe when I am not invited to something, it is very stupid and like setting back society and like creating a carbon footprint and it's pick me and wasteful. Okay. I'm just also, they're like this, this wasted money. We're
Do you think that if they didn't do this, the money was going to like go to
homeless kids? They're like, I can't believe they're spending all this money. Where did you think it was going to go? You think they were going to donate it? I want them to donate the money. Okay, you want them to donate the money like a charity? That would just give them more tax write-offs. If Jeff Bezos donated $22 million to a charity, he'd make $50 million back. Who knows, but I would have gone last week into space if for no other reason than to get away from photos of Coachella. Jesus Christ, you guys. What a nightmare. I don't want to talk too much about Coachella. I want to talk more about
Right.
Right. I don't know. I don't think that's necessarily ironic. Maybe on some level, they're subconsciously preparing themselves for the hot temperature they believe are coming. This is they're coping. They're putting themselves in situations where they will have to cope and take the necessary steps to prepare for the future. They ran out of gas waiting in line to park. They ran out of gas in a desert. They're literally doing what soldiers did in Iraq. These kids are preparing for war. This doesn't mean they're stupid. They're smart. It's Lord of the Flies out there. They're the only ones that are ready. They're just kids.
camping out in their cars. They're not even in tents. They're in the mud. I mean, to be fair, there are no camping tents left in California because the homeless people bought them all. REI is a ghost town. You know I'm right. They're just out of tents. It's so crazy at Coachella. It's like this... Can you imagine risking your life coming over from Mexico and then they see what's going on at Coachella and they're like,
I'm good. Honestly, this is how if you want to stop immigration, just post these photos. I'm just saying like they will you turn so fast and it's all $600. You have to pay $600 to live this way for a couple of weeks. It's $300 for parking, $600 for a ticket. You guys know you can just like take an edible and go to Disneyland, right? $1,000 to go totally literally cost an arm and a leg. But most of these kids' parents harvest organs, so they probably have those things. Yeah.
in the back of their BMWs. But, you know, we've had this, right? Woodstock? Woodstock, I mean, I love that I'm like, remember the Challenger and Woodstock? I don't remember any of these. I love that I've just decided that I'm 500 years old. Okay, Coachella's basically become Woodstock, but everyone's like not on LSD. They're on some dick pill. It's not Barstool Sports. Like, it's not as, like, fun, but Green Day fans want a dookie, and they got it. The poop smell was so bad, it's apparently the only way to escape the poop smell was to just clog your nose with poop.
Like, how else could you? I'm not a huge Green Day aficionado. I do know American Idiot is specifically about the people that pay $1,000 to see a concert. Like, it does feel... It's not just rich people. I know I made jokes about it, but 60% of kids that went to Coachella this year, they financed their ticket.
which is like a financing plan or something, right? That tells you everything you need to know. Okay. And I'm all for people. Isn't this stupid? No, there's genius. What is a better investment in your future at this point than going to Coachella? Oh, you're gonna go spend money on college. You have to get in the mind of someone that does that. That means that this next generation believes that wearing a suede bikini and a hundred degree weather and streaming it on Twitch is the only career left. And I believe they're right. Ask
Asking someone with followers to tag you at Coachella at this point is way more valuable than a medical degree. They're right. We're wrong. Okay. AI already reads cancer better than doctors do. Name a better investment than Coachella. Okay. First of all, Coachella is not a festival. It's a shoot. People are like, it's a festival. No, it's not. They're working. They're going to Coachella.
They're starring in Coachella. Coachella is just the background for their show. They're filming it for their channel. The next generation doesn't go to festivals. They work festivals. This is an obligation for them. It's like a it's like how H.R. meetings are required. Right. So also, the more that goes wrong, the better for them. This next generation, we're like, here's how to better judgment and trust your gut and avoid mistakes. Mistakes are the best thing that can happen to you if you're live streaming at all times. Right. Right.
is actually better content. I think people are maybe figuring this out. I don't know. Because that means that you can be a victim and be pitied. And that's the only thing that makes anyone at Coachella relatable. Anyone on a Zempik who looks like a hot cyborg, this is the only way we're going to like you. Like the hot girls, you know, go and get stuck in the feces quicksand of and everyone's like, she's so down to earth.
Oh, look, she got parasites from a porta potty. She's so real. She's just like us. She also loses her drugs in someone else's poop. Like this is good. What?
We're not to be like, look at those idiots going to Coachella. No, they're geniuses. They know to get as close to other people's poop as possible. They have to go to Coachella. The president was like, we're going to bring factory work back to America. All the girls in their 20s were like, I'm going to go put my Daisy Dukes in the dryer for five hours. We are not doing that. I will make money the old fashioned way and stream myself sitting on cakes for strangers. No, the only
Only job left is a personality. They're doing the right thing. Their personality is their product. Go to Coachella. Don't go to college. Honestly, Coachella, we are like the kids need more grit. Here it is. They're signing up for adversity. It's self-inflicted adversity. I'm glad. Gentle parenting's over. They don't want it. They didn't like it.
Love is not they're not interested. Can't love someone that doesn't love themselves. They want it. They pay to suffer. I think this is good. OK, Coachella feels, I don't know, like good prep for when the nukes come. They'll be ready. I won't be. They're learning about eye infections and STDs and folliculitis. They're learning about audio systems and tech and that that, you know, audio buttons don't work. If you're a black woman, Doja Cat's microphone didn't work. I'm irate.
Also, Megan, the stallion set was cut short for Post Malone. What are you guys doing? Are you guys just trying to start a race more? Like, is this a good idea? They cut her set short, Post Malone. I don't know. If that happens, I feel like we just need to have, like, separate stages. Never mind. Did you see that there was a streamer waterboarding himself? He set it up. He got the water and put it in a thing and the whole thing. Have you seen this video? I mean, for this guy, it's...
I feel like the closest thing he'll ever get to a shower. But like between this and Coachella, it's I do believe this next generation's new goal is just like prisoner of war. And I'm for it. They're ready. We don't have to worry about them. Right. I can finally hire people in their 20s again. Squarespace. This podcast is sponsored. Where has Squarespace been, by the way? Why did they just they just came crawling back? I haven't seen Squarespace on here in a while. I think they had to beg. Oh, really? Squarespace. I'm sorry.
They're coming up on my teleprompter. Maybe they saw you had a new website and they were like, what the f***? Oh, really? Okay. So as soon as you saw that I had a new website, you came sniffing around. Okay. I just, I'm like, not kidding. But I get a glow up, start looking better because I stopped getting Botox and you're just going to like, be like, you up. I feel like Squarespace is like, hey, you up.
Squarespace, I haven't seen you for truly two years, and you're just going to walk back into my life like nothing happened onto my teleprompter. No explanation of why you stopped sponsoring the podcast before. If you cut this, Pat, I will...
Call the police and Child Protective Services because everyone in this home will be in danger if you cut all this. So here's the deal. Squarespace, I use and I love. They used to sponsor the podcast. They went away. Oh, what was it, Squarespace? Because during the pandemic, I dyed my hair blue and had a manic episode. You wanted to distance yourself from me? Huh? Well, as Julia Roberts said to those rich women in Beverly Hills in the movie Pretty Woman, big mistake. Huge mistake.
I mean, it's the opposite because it's, I'm glad to have you back and thank you. And every time I hear Squarespace on other people's podcasts, I'm like, hmm, weird. You guys know what it is. Whether you're launching a passion project, selling products, or just trying to prove your family. Okay, sorry, they have jokes in the copy now? Okay, big mistake, huge. Okay, you know what's great? It's a tool. Yeah, it's Squarespace has every tool you need to create a digital empire. I used it to build a site recently.
Okay. You know what, Squarespace, maybe I know why we've hardened ways after all. So I don't build my own websites, but we definitely use Squarespace over here.
Okay. It's the only, it's actually the only technology I don't complain about. Okay. It's like Dropbox and Google maps and all that. Squarespace is the one thing that I understand. They have an AI powered builder, drag and drop editor and gorgeous templates make it very easy to make a site. It looks like you hired a team of tech bros and hoodies, which I, I do anyway, just they're my emotional support humans. So here's the deal.
If you're offering services like coaching, consulting, or selling content, you can take payments, schedule clients, and even send email campaigns all from one place. No more juggling tags and apps like a digital octopus. If you've been sitting on an idea, now's the time. Claim your domain, build the site, and make it real. Start your free trial, then use the code Whitney at checkout to get 10% off your first purchase of a website domain. You know what's blooming this spring? Sneezes. Itchy eyes.
That annual pollen apocalypse. Pollen-a-couple. That annual pollen-a-couple. The annual pollen-a-couple. That annual pollen apocalypse.
is here and ZocDoc is here to help you survive it. Do they have appointments for dyslexia problems? ZocDoc is a free app and a website where you can find in-network doctors from allergists and primary care and instantly book appointments. No more hold music, no more surprise out of network bills, blah, and no more do you have availability next June. Whether you need a local allergist, pediatrician, or a telehealth quick fix, ZocDoc has you covered with over 100,000 doctors at
Thank you.
That's another story for another time. But the point is, we go to the doctor a lot around here. And you should, too. Stop putting off your checkups, allergy relief, or mental health support. Visit DocDoc. Visit Doc. Visit ZocDoc.com slash Whitney to book a top-rated doctor today. That's ZocDoc.com slash Whitney. You'll be breathing easy before you know it.
I feel like the lineup at Coachella was just like the Cheesecake Factory menu, which is like it had everything but nothing you actually want to see except Gaga. So Lady Gaga did this thing that was amazing. She battled herself like she she battled the previous Lady Gaga. Did you see this? Oh, it's so sick. OK, so she confronted herself from 10 years ago at Coachella and it was pretty thought provoking. And I was thinking about it and I was like, what?
What would happen if I battled myself from 10 years? Like, who would win if I fought myself from 10 years ago? And when I tell you, if I fought myself from 10 years ago, I would have rabies. I mean, I...
was like looking through photos of like, oh, what would the costume be if I fought myself? I was like, maybe I should make a TikTok video of me fighting myself. And I was like, when I tell you, there is no way I would confront this pre-PROZAC feral animal surviving on sun-kissed and fat-free frozen yogurt alone. Are you mental? Back then, I did my own makeup in my first special. I thought I nailed it, but it was probably the funniest part of the special. Let's be honest. Like, I would not even be able to look
10 year ago me in the eye. I was just like, oh, I come in. Not that she could make eye contact at all. She was like, you know, she just like couldn't. But I would just be like, I come in peace, please don't. Like, please, please don't come too close or I'll get a migraine from all that Victoria's Secret love spell body mist. Jesus, bitch. Like, I was such a maniac back then. I would wear...
beaded headbands. I had two, I went to free people. I had two different colors that I would wear. I wore one to the Middle East and like, it was like, I'm one of you. Like I was nuts, dude. I had a headshot for Hollywood. That's me in a grocery cart. Like, like I did not know at all what was like a normal person. I can't, this person scares me. Like I, it's not like, oh, I'm going to fight with my former ego. This is a dangerous person.
All right. I'm not going to try to defeat a girl who sold her friend's shirt at Buffalo Exchange to get cash for the HPV vaccine. Like, I would just be like, uncle, okay. That girl was between rounds of Accutane and relationships with DJs. There was no telling what she would do. I couldn't fight this girl. This was before she had discovered translucent powder for the face. I'm worried she would blind me with her shiny ass face. How did I just walk around with that shiny of a face? Okay. I'm not going to try to defeat a girl who sold her friend's shirt at Buffalo Exchange to get cash for the HPV vaccine.
Literally moved to Hollywood, a city that only wanted blondes. They made it very clear. Immediately went to CVS, dyed my hair black like a psychopath.
You cannot fight this girl. She's too busy fighting to get a belt over a full on outdoor cargo jacket. Like there was no reasoning with this person, you know, like how do you even start to fight a girl who wears a shirt that says I love square dancing most of the time? You can't battle with a person who thinks shiny cobalt blue is her power color. Like you can't do you can't mess with a girl who bought this dress and wore it on a roast.
and returned it the next day without a receipt. This is not a person you can reason with. Okay, this girl was in full butt underwear. Don't try and fight a woman with full butt underwear. She has nothing holding her back. It's not...
It's not going to happen. So yeah, I don't think I would be doing that exercise, but I thought it would be fun. I don't know. So that was kind of like thought provoking. Like when a performance actually makes you like think like that, like Gaga nailed it. I was like, oh, this is what like art is supposed to do. She was battling herself and I was like, oh, how would I battle my, you know, self 10 years ago? And it got dark, but like, it was kind of cool. I feel like I'm never annoyed at the same thing everyone else is annoyed at. I'm currently annoyed at the fact that my Instagram feed is all people posting pictures
photos of them as action figures that they got on chat GPT. You know, you can make them. You can get them made too. You can make an action figure of yourself. Is this good? I mean, look, I don't need one for me. I already have fake boobs and my joints are stiff. It's hard to move. I'm basically an action figure at this point. I just mean, is the selfie not enough? We need a mini version of ourselves. Like, does no one think this is going the wrong direction? Like, if we're in a simulation, I do feel like the joke is on the simulator at this point.
Like, imagine being like, I control the simulation and this whole universe. And I feel like the simulator's like, boo. They started making mini versions of themselves. They're making... For what? I don't even know. The simulation is officially over when the simulated humans are making real dolls out of themselves. Like, this...
This makes me think, look, we talk a lot about like banning books. Maybe we should just ban like superhero movies for a while. I feel like they give you guys like your self-esteem is too high or something. Like maybe it's too, like guys look at their shelf and they're like, there's my original Iron Man figurine. I got it in Japan for the eBay. I got that one. That's the Batman figurine. And they're like, you know who else? You know what's missing? This guy, Reddit man. Like, what are you, what's your superhero? It comes with a keyboard, like-
Polo sport, a box of unopened magnums. Like I just I feel like this is symbolic of how invisible and unspecial we all feel right now. Right. Like we used to have like things remembered at the mall. We'd engrave a frame, a little paperweight. Now you need like a doll of yourself. Like I feel like people don't feel real anymore. So they have to make a version of themselves that's fake to feel real.
You know, you look at a fake action figure of yourself like, that's me. That's not, this is you. What? Like, I can at least be made in America. If we're going to make action figures of ourselves, can we please not? Like, ChachiBT is just mocking us at this point. They're like, you're a product. You are literally a product.
Which we just all learned from going to Coachella. You are a product and we are trolling you so hard and hate you so much that we're going to make you buy yourself. They're like, after the tariffs, China is now going to make you in China.
We're going to make sure that if you want to own yourself, we'll make you in China. Like, I feel like the kids working on the assembly line in China are going to be like, oh, what's this new one? It's Batman 2. It's advanced. No one else has seen this one yet. What's this one? It's just like the new Spider-Man. They're like, no, it's this guy named Brandon. Lives in Tampa. Works at an exotic reptile store. And him and his friends grade women as they walk by.
You know, he's having you make this for him. Notice we're only making one. They're like, so why are we doing this? Like, oh, we're sending it to him so he can post it online, you know, because he thinks it's going to make him feel cool, but it's actually going to make everyone who follows him mute him, lose respect for him, further entrenching him into the labyrinth of self-delusion and shame. So you can make a tiny you and buy it. The end, like it's the end. And that's okay. The end was going to come at some point. Like, look, people...
need to be prepared that you will know someone in your family or your friends that will get cancer from the microplastics leaching from the action figure they made of themselves. And you have to be ready to hear that from a doctor's face. OK, I do think this is how we go extinct. Like within two months,
thousands of people will be perishing after choking on an action figure of themselves. Like they were like making out with it and couldn't stop. I don't know what they were doing. They just ate it for a TikTok challenge. This is where this goes, right? As someone...
who actually made a to scale size doll for myself. I feel like I can speak on this with authority. Here's the thing about having a doll of yourself, all right? As someone who lives with this nightmare every day. So you will have a doll of yourself. It will be in your home. People will think it's like funny and cute. They'll be like, oh my God. And they'll walk by and go, whoa, I thought it was you. It's so crazy. They'll take pictures with it. Oh my God, it looks like you. And then one day someone will walk by and go, oh, what's that?
Who's that? Who is that? Who was that? What's this based on? And you'll realize your doll is just a younger, more taut, more bright-eyed version of your current self mocking you. You realize there's no way to dispose of her because someone was actually already arrested for putting a real doll into a dumpster because it does look like a dead body. So having this in my home is a nightmare. I mean, I'm glad to know what I will look like in 20 minutes.
You know, and then you have to explain to people and go, oh, that was that's me. And they're like, but she doesn't have crow's feet around her eyes. And I'm like, yeah, she didn't have to podcast four and a half hours a day during the pandemic on edibles. Imagine, imagine this is not going well. This is weird. This is weird. Remember when you're like, Whitney's weird. I know you guys can't do it now.
It's weird. I agree with you. Did I normalize making dolls of yourself? I'm sorry. I was wrong. This was an experiment and it took a toll on my psyche. Don't do it. All right. I can't. No, I can't. I will lose custody of my son. A judge will look at this and be like, oh, yeah, she can't be around a child. Someone call Britney Spears dad. Put her in a basement. Calabasas. Like this is it's just I don't like where this is going. You know, remember when like guys taking selfies was like weird. So weird. Yeah.
But like, remember when you're like, oh, but now we're just like, oh, that's him. You know, remember in like the again, I wasn't there. But in the 1900s, men took photos. They were just like, remember people looking photos just like, are we going to die? This is not good. This isn't going to lead to bad things. It seems fun. It seems harmless. But imagine being like a 35 year old woman and your man is like, I can't afford engagement right now. Things are tough. There's a recession. And he says this to you behind a shelf that has an action figure of him.
on it. Paid for the shipping, paid for the handling. What do you do? There's a show called Snapped on Oxygen. They'll have to bring that show back. It's when women snapped and killed their partners. And if she told this, she'd get off. She'd go free.
OK, imagine you grab your guy's phone. You know, he's been acting weird lately. He's been texting a lot. Weird times, two in the morning, taking his phone to the bathroom. You'll think it's a girl who'll go to the shower and you'll be like, I got to see what he's been texting. And you'll be like, oh, God, are they nudes from some trollop? No, worse. You're going to see emails from a company confirming his order for an action figure of himself. He's chosen to make the doll way more muscular than he even is. He made a tanner. Do you call the police? Do you report to the FBI? These laws have not been established yet.
But I hope communities are working together right now to make sure that these protective orders are in place, you know, because, you know, women, we don't do this. Women don't make action figures of themselves. I don't I haven't seen any women that really want to make action figures of themselves. I don't because because we because you have to have like the things you'd have with you and.
We haven't settled on personalities yet. You know, I can't commit to what my things are going to be. Here's the good news. You're not going to see how my social media feed me with an action figure of myself. I don't need new ways to hurt my own feelings by... You know why? Because I would get it and the hairline would mess me up. You know, I would just be like, meh, that's not good. And everyone would be like, that looks exactly like you. And I'd be like, what?
You know what this is? Okay. I do believe this is also that people needing action figures of themselves. I think that this is kind of an extension of the like certificates of participation epidemic, right? Like we got to bring back trophy one, two, and three, you win second, third, not everyone gets to be a superhero. Not everyone gets to be an action figure, you know, or maybe they should.
You know what? I was wrong. Now that you're a product, you need one. I was wrong. Get one. All of you. This is it. You have to have it. You have to have an action figure of yourself because everyone is a product. We've learned this. It's the only job left is you being a product. So everyone's going to have to have a... What's the things? The dolls with the big heads? If that... Funko Pop, at the very least, you need your own Funko Pop. Because otherwise, you'd be like a store without a...
sign that we this is actually like having a website having a doll of yourself is like having a website at this point i actually believe you're behind if you don't know how soon people will be going on shark tank and pitching just me the product just me hey mr cuban i'd like you to invest five hundred thousand just to me you should be so lucky i'm gonna get more uh uh selfie sticks i'm gonna get the app that helps you read prompter on your phone i'm gonna get a ring light
I'm going to get a girlfriend and she's going to test well. We're going to have good chemistry. I'm going to go to fire festival and get HIV. I'm going to start rapping. I will live stream my own death. Are you in? I love you guys. We've already been going too long. Don't ride elephants.