Shownotes Transcript
I'm a comedian, everyone. My name's Whitney Cummings. I'm on tour. You can go to WhitneyCummings.com and get into a dogfight with my website. And if you spend about 45 minutes on it, you might be able to get tickets. I'd love to see you on tour. Go get tickets. It is an intelligence test in order to procure tickets to see a comedian these days. I don't know why. But love to see you after you try to get tickets. You'll need a laugh. Bap, bap, bap.
Hey, Pat, did you hear about the new Pyramid News, the hot this just in? Can we just call it old news? Like...
This is from 5,000 years ago. So we have some old news. Tell us, Pat. This one really snuck up on it. Oh, I'm sorry. You mean all of a sudden there's a city under the pyramids right when the Epstein list didn't come out? Got it. Continue. Sonar discovers 600 meter tall pillars supporting the pyramids and they think it's a city. Okay, great. Okay. Anything to not talk about the Epstein list. Fine. I'll bite.
The pyramids might have a secret city underneath. Look, why are we still in history class? Do you remember when we used to fall asleep during Egyptian history? We used to skip school specifically to not have to learn about Egypt. We would pretend to be sick.
To not have to hear about all of this, you know, and now every Reddit post, my entire feed is talking about Egyptian history. I thought we hated high school, which is it you guys? Or, you know what the thing about high school is that we did all kind of skip school. I always checked out during school. I think on some level, we all knew that the stuff we were learning back then was a total lie. Like,
I mean, truly, the fact that there was a mural in my high school that showed the pilgrims and the Native Americans having like a fun dinner and like the pilgrims were in like hats with like buckles and like like little penny loafers. And then the Native Americans were just like a loincloth. They were like, what's the temperature? I feel like there's this doesn't add up to me at all. Like I.
I don't know. It's just it's so wild to me that when someone says something is true, we don't care. Remember in high school, they were like, this is what happened. We were like, but once someone says this might be true, we're like, I'm on the edge of my seat. Like if all high school history professors would just have been like, you know, the Civil War may have happened in 1961, but.
Some people said it didn't happen at all. We would have been early to history class. We'd be on the edge of our seats at all times. We'd all be historians for a living. Like, we'd be like, oh my God, there's a 50-50 chance that this is true. I'm riveted.
It's like there's something like in our nature. It's like if the guy likes me, I'm like, oh, what a weirdo. But if a guy might like me, he's my soulmate. I want to know how the pyramids were built as much as anyone. But it's also just so funny to me the number of insane problems that we have in society right now. Like we need to make Election Day a holiday. But I can't think about that right now. I need to figure out if a mummy 5000 years ago was in a pointy tower made by giants. Stop distracting me.
Does every civilization do this? I'm actually fascinated. Like, does every civilization obsess over the civilizations that came before them? Like, do you think whoever built the pyramids was like, I wonder how the cavemen did those paintings? Are civilizations like girls who got ghosted by guys and have to spend the rest of their lives trying to figure out what happened and how it happened? You know, like every couple of years, you know, you're like, fuck.
you know what? I think I finally figured out what happened with Nathan. I feel like his attachment style was dismissive. You're like, cool. You guys have been broken up for eight years. Like, why are you still dissecting this? You know, I feel like every couple of years, guys do that with the pyramids, the way girls do that with exes. Like every couple of years, guys are like, you know what? I actually feel like the pyramids were a
The power plant. Cool. I feel like guys think about the pyramids their entire life, like the girl that got away. Whereas like girls, like we have to track our exes, even though I don't even care that my exes have moved on. I just need like an update, you know, like I'm like, oh, he's married. OK, cool. OK, good to know. OK, lives in Montana now.
OK, that makes sense. Yeah, that tracks like I'm doing some math the same way guys with pyramids are like nuclear power plant that actually does track based on the rumble videos I've been watching. OK, good to know. Just just wanted an update. Like I just we have so many problems that we need to solve. I feel like all of this brainpower should just be going to, I don't know, something that's like a now thing. Even if guys find out the pyramids had a city underneath, like guys like, wait, wait, wait, the city's underneath. But did they have aliens?
Just just need to check back every time. It's never going to be good enough. You're like, well, were there aliens in the cities? Even though you haven't been to the doctor in eight years. Can you guys just go to the doctor?
The articles are like radar found underground structures with the pyramids. There were pillars and coils. I bet that same radar would also find cancer on your face. Go to the dermatologist. That mole is a different shape every day. But this discovery, this discovery would mean that the pyramids were not royal tombs where the pharaohs were buried. Speaking of which, why don't you pick out where you're going to be buried? Because you'd rather talk about stuff from 5000 years ago than get your back looked at. That
That mole is bleeding. You have a stigmata. Yes, I am talking directly to my boyfriend. This is the only way we communicate. Men don't think about death, but they will watch videos about the deadest people to ever be dead.
Like pyramids and get, I feel like conspiracy theories, they can be distractions for guys. Like guys are like the earth is flat. I'm like that mole's not okay. 9-11 inside job. Sure. 9-11. Also the number of cavities you currently have, your breath is slamming. I'm begging you. Like there's water under the pyramids. There's water under your kneecaps. We got to schedule surgery. Like now you have water in your lungs, sir. You know, like,
Guys like there's a new theory on Bigfoot. I'm like, but you have a limb. Let's go get your Bigfoot looked at by a podiatrist. It's been swollen for two years. You're ignoring your Bigfoot though. Okay, cool. Jackie Kennedy did it. Okay, you haven't flossed in a year. When you floss, you have more blood on your face than JFK did after the shot.
Chris Cole, please go to the doctor. Love you. If you want to lose weight, hey, Mikey, can you jump in here? You can look like this and run by the screen and hardly even exist.
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Mikey, last night, what did I suggest you and Saida do? They were going on and on. They were, what is it called? It's not racket. What is it when someone's going on and on? Can you Google me on? Can you go to my Reddit comments to find out what this word is? Blathering. Blathering. They were blathering on and on about not being able to go to doctors and the rigmarole of the insurance. And what did I say? What did I say, Mikey?
Zoc Doc. Zoc Doc. I said, you guys, why are we sitting here not enjoying the chicken that my man grilled, you know, with teriyaki? It was a weird choice, but we'll get through it. Why are we spending our night talking about whether you're going to have teeth? Why is this? Why do I have to hear about this?
Why is this my... Why am I hearing about your cavities? I'm your employer. That's an HR violation. I shouldn't know anything that goes on in anybody's cavities. And I was like, you guys, you need to go to ZocDoc. It's enough. I've had it up to here. I honestly...
It was actually so funny because I've read this copy so many times and we've worked with ZocDoc for so long that I literally just organically in a conversation, I was like, you can get doctors that are in network. It's you never wait longer than 24 to 72 hours. You can search by area. Look at this. Dermatologist, dentist, therapist, someone who takes your insurance and won't cancel on you three times. ZocDoc has you covered. You can filter by insurance, location, specialty, verified patient reviews, and then book instantly online.
I said all that last night. Take control of your health. Stop putting it off. Stop ruining dinners because you're talking about your teeth. Go to ZocDoc.com slash Whitney and find the care you need today. It's a bunch of doctors in an app. Also doubles as a dating app. Don't be stupid. That's ZocDoc.com slash Whitney. Go get the medical care you need and possibly a husband.
Let's do a topic this week. I have been avoiding this topic for a while now. I've been seeing hate about trad wives on the Internet. I have been avoiding it for a lot of reasons. Number one, I wanted to do like a deep dive in what they actually are. And every time I would, I'd get sexually aroused. You know, the point is, I know you think I'm going to make fun of trad wives. I'm not.
I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed with why there is such a big backlash against this trad wife movement. Like, why does why does anyone care? I am baffled by who cares about what anyone is doing in their house as long as it's legal. Now, all my gay friends can't complain about like you hate us because of who we love. No, no, no, no, no, no. Everyone gets trashed.
hetero couples. Also, people are mad at poly people, gay, trans. Now people are outraged that a man and woman are married and that the wife listens to the man when he talks and that she wants to hang out with her kids. Problematic. It's officially we just hate everyone. From what I can tell with the trad wife thing, these are just like happy people in a marriage and people are livid. No one's mad about all of the marriages where the wife is miserable. Like,
No one cares. Like divorce rate is half. We're like, cool. Like, wait a second. There's a marriage going well, like toxic. From what I understand about the trad outrage, it's like there'll be a woman like on a blanket and you're her kids and there's like a chicken and everyone's like, she's brainwashed. She's toxic. She's setting women back. No, I'm setting women back. That's my thing. Everyone on blue sky knows this.
Let me just say the definition of trad wives so that we're not all working under a different definition. It's I literally wrote it. They choose homemaking within their marriage and others have to leave their careers to focus on meeting their family's needs in the home.
Don't we all work just so we can quit our job? Is this not kind of everyone? There's this new thing where you're not a feminist if you don't work at a job that you hate. So like OnlyFans is OK, but OnlyFamilies, no bueno, got it. Who cares? Like they seem happy to me. Like, I don't know. Like people are like, oh, no, a woman is running towards a home instead of away from a home. What are we going to do about this?
I also don't even get the logic. You can wear an apron, but only if it's on a competitive cooking show, but not in your own house. That's okay. You can wear braids and a puffy cute blouse, but only if it's on Pornhub. What? Who cares? Also, you know, there are still Mormons like marrying teenagers, right? Is it toxic to minimize things because there's worse things going on? My thing is like, who cares about trad wives, you guys? Can we get Anthony Kiedis?
Anyone? Can everyone just pick a lane? That's truly all I ask, right? It's like your body, your choice, except when it comes to work. You have to work at a corporate job and you're not allowed to spend too much time in your home that you're paying for. You can work from home, but not if it's housework. Making your own food doesn't count.
as work unless it's at a restaurant where you're being sexually harassed. You could only cook as a woman if it's at a restaurant where you get yelled at by some other man who's not your husband. And if your husband is nice to you at home and you cook for him, you're setting us all back. I don't get it. That nice man who signed up to love you forever, make him starve to death.
You can make bread, lady, but only if it's for Instagram and not for your husband. Go cook for a bunch of strangers who don't care if you live or die. Go work in a restaurant where you belong, okay? Go work and give bread and make food for a bunch of people who may or may not be waiting for you at your car when you get off work tonight.
So women can only work from home if it's a mindless corporate job where you're on endless zooms until you spiral into an existential crisis and have hemorrhoids from sitting at a desk all day. That's fine, but you're not allowed to work from home if it's on your own house that if you improve its value, you can sell it for more money and make money.
I don't get it. Like, what is this thing where in order to be a woman that's respected, you have to be like a CEO? There's nothing feminist about being a CEO or a boss. Being a boss is so humiliating. You aren't allowed to make jokes. Everyone, everyone hates you. Everyone is mad at you, right? You can also only eat according to the 22-year-old's gluten allergy in the office. The 22-year-old in the office who has some gluten thing
decides what everyone eats for lunch. Like, I'm like, I would love to have some peanuts. I'm like, can I have some peanuts? Hey guys, am I allowed to eat a peanut?
May I have a peanut? I have to go ask a 20 year old. May I have this peanut? Like it's wild. It's so it's not okay to submit to your husband, but it is okay to submit to some 22 year old that you pay. So I'm running around like to the 22 year old guy, like, may I have a peanut? Can I eat this peanut? Was this peanut going to give you a runny nose or can I have it? Like what? I'm the boss. I'm asking this 22 year old what I can eat. Now I'm in the movie baby girl. Like no one thinks this is weird.
All of your employees will say that you're emotionally abusing them if you're the boss. Right. If you imply that you might know more about what's going on than them about the company you run. Right. You're their hero until you do the thing that made you become their hero. And then you'll be accused of being toxic. Why would any woman want to leave their house ever again?
I would rather milk a cow and fake laugh at my husband's jokes than have to go through that nightmare. Right. Trad wife. Fine. But didn't we always have trad wife? Isn't we just used to call them like homemaker or like soccer mom? I feel like the name just kind of changed. Homemaker stay at home mom. That's all fine. But trad wife like upsets people. I don't know why. I think it's because of the dresses and they're annoying. I agree. It's like the Coachella dresses. They're all just like Dr. Quinn medicine woman. Like they're out on the range. Like, like, I don't know. They look like a pillow.
on a bed that no one uses, like tiny pillows or something. Like they wear dresses everywhere.
I don't know. They wear these dresses that are long and flowy. I don't know. So they could like give birth at any moment. I'm not sure the logic of it, but everything we think is new, we've always had. This is always my theory, right? Pat, like drag. We're like, there's drag now. Boys are wearing dresses. That always happened. It was just called something else. Like we had in my high school, we had goth. Half the guys in my high school in rural Virginia wore black gowns with nail polish and eyeliner. They were gorgeous.
Thinking everything is bad for kids. We always did that too. Kids worked in factories in the twenties, you guys like that doesn't seem great. Like young people were making cans in a cannery. Now they show their cans on Snapchat. It's always something, you know? So, um,
The trad wife thing. I'm just fascinated how pissed off people are because the big thing about it is, I guess, that you have to obey your husband and that really pisses people off. Right. You have to like do what your husband tells you to do. I don't see anything wrong with that. I mean, if your husband is a guy that like auditioned to be on The Bachelor, I wouldn't obey him. But if you actually found a guy who is worth listening to, that's sick. God.
Godspeed. This is a person who hates a track wife. It's a person who pays for a life coach and a therapist and a personal trainer will be like, I can't believe a woman would do what her husband tells her to do. But I mean, you listen to your dad. How great did that work out? Haters are like, don't listen to your husband. You shouldn't do anything he says. Why would you listen to your stupid husband? But then that same person is going to go do what you're still single at 30 girlfriend who has hepatitis C from nipple rings tells you what to do. That's who you're going to listen to your vegan friend.
Like what? You're going to listen to the friend of yours who fractured her pelvic bone and the Coachella porta potty. That's your, your paragon of wisdom.
Like we all have to have someone we respect. And I get that sometimes that's going to be someone's husband. Not always, maybe not yours or your friends. A lot of my friends' husbands are insufferably dumb, you know, but maybe there are some out there. Like I have a business manager. I take his advice, right? All the time. I pay him for his advice. So like his wife probably listens to him too. Is she a toxic trad wife? I don't know. I do think a lot of people go like,
why would you listen to a man? He's stupid. No, the men you hang out with are stupid because you're a birdie man. There are good men out there. They're just not at the museum of ice cream taking selfies. Trad wives are like, wait for the one. And we're out here like, I'm on number seven. We've had AI for a year and we listen to what chat GPT tells us, but we're not supposed to look for a husband that we would ever listen to. So you're going to rely on Siri, but not my loyal husband.
who I invented. I listen to my boyfriend, but it's kind of like the way I listen to the news, you know? I'm like, oh, I'll just, you know, I'll take it with a grain of salt. You know, my guy is a professional skater. I listen to him about a lot of things, about the things he's an authority on, you know, like how to put on a Band-Aid and the best way to get a concussion on a tetanus fence. I'm all ears, you know?
I respect him so much. I love listening. I am finally in a relationship where I ask him advice and I truly want to know the answer. I ask him advice and then don't completely disassociate and start pretending I'm listening. It's actually amazing. It took a while, but I do think that like,
a lot of people, their mind is blown by the idea that someone married someone that they actually respect. Like no one is saying respect some moron who, you know, won't let dirt get on his sneakers or has a vanity license plate. That's not. But if your husband's like David Goggins, no one's saying that like, you know, David Goggins, his wife is some oppressed, toxic idiot. You know, here's the thing.
Just be mad about what you're mad about. The dresses are annoying. I agree. They're annoying. They're twee. They're hipster. But I also get that. We always become what we hate. If I have learned nothing in life, it's we always become what we hate, right? I never wear dresses. I am so close. I am so close on hitting my limit on thongs and wearing martini glasses as shoes. Why are women's shoes one lawn dart? It's
wild. Okay. These women probably just got sick of getting tetanus from their jean pushup bras. They didn't want to have underwire impaling them in the sternum like Steve Irwin. I get it. I get not wanting fish line in your scrotum at all times. Okay. So they're wearing dresses. They have big, you know, they're wearing big full butt panties. You're jealous.
I look, I see a girl in a dress and I immediately I'm like, oh, so you haven't heard of Isadora Duncan. I've done that in public. I'll see a girl in a long dress and I'm like, Google Isadora Duncan. Trust me. You know, she's one of my other obsessions in life. She was a ballerina who died because she got hung by her own scarf in her car.
thrown off a bridge. Too much fabric is very dangerous. You know this. Okay, I look at a girl in a long dress and I'm like, cool, so I'm gonna have to handle it when there's a fire? So this is, you just became my problem, right? I'm not a dress person. I wanna be a dress person. I'm a pants person because someone has to handle it.
All right. It also feels very unsanitary. You can't just go sit on a bench in a dress. I'm like, am I going to spend a day in the ER getting a splinter removed from my ovary? I don't think my insurance covers that. I can't. I just I do think that women look at women in long dresses the way men look at other men in flip flops or like socks with slides. You're like, so you're ready for nothing.
So when I look at a woman in a dress, I'm like, cool. So when something goes down, you've got nine curtains causing all these kind of problems. All right. I'm going to have to pull you off a bridge when you hang yourself like Isadora Duncan. And we're all just trying to get away from Neil Gaiman. Right. Long dresses is how you get got. I'm going to say this. All right. I respect a person based on how quickly they can break into a sprint at any moment.
All right. I scan. I scan. If I see a woman in a dress, I'm like useless, useless, obstacle, obstacle, pants. Good. We got that. Like, that's just when you've been through the amount of like wild trauma or I was in a fire as a kid. You just look at people as like, are you flammable or not? That's how I look to the world. Right. This is also why I love my dude so much.
He is ready for a catastrophe truly at all times. And that is how he dresses. He will not wear anything except jeans and sneakers. He refuses. And I'm like, hey, just wear slippers. We're going to walk to the sauna. He's like, what if there's a meteor?
Like, OK, if there's a meteor, I don't know. What is your plan? He has like 32 keys on him at all times. I'm like, so when the meteor comes, you're going to what? Lock the meteor in the sky. Like, what is the plan? You're going to use the keys to reflect light and blind the meteor to like, I'm not clear on your plan, but it seems to make sense in his head, you know? But I do look at a woman in a dress and I'm like, oh, OK, you're that person. You're like picnic person or like picnic lady.
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I do think women hate on women that wear long dresses like that. The way men hate on men that are dressed in like V-necks or like tank tops and scarves or whatever Russell Brand is doing. I get it. You know, it's all it's also very new to me to be with a guy who prioritizes being useful instead of like, I don't know.
Acting, I think it's new for me. So I do have a whole new respect for men in terms of like what they have to worry about. Like, yes, women have a lot to worry about too. We have to like stare at our drinks at the bar to make sure...
Bill Cosby's protege didn't turn it into night-night juice. Yes, but I do not worry about meteors. I've never thought about a meteor. I've never made a plan, a pact of that. It doesn't cross my mind. I mean, my boyfriend has a motorcycle for the sole purpose of if there is an earthquake, he can get to his daughter more quickly. That's what I'm talking about.
That's why he has he's not cool. He just it's not like cool motorcycle. That's why he has it. I'm like, so you're going to put your life in danger on a daily basis in case you need to protect your daughter in the point. Oh, one percent chance she's in danger. Man logic, dude. Man logic is real. It doesn't have to make sense to me. Man logic does not have to make sense to me the same way he looks at me putting black sludge on my eyelashes. And it's like, you don't think we can all see that?
You know, I'm putting on like cock and grout all over my face. That makes sense to me. The motorcycle and the earthquake makes sense to him. It's fine. But there's something about how the trad wife thing has like struck a nerve. And it seems like girls are mad about this. And the girls I see that are the most mad about this are like...
It's so backwards to be traditional. And I like look at what they're wearing. They're in a corset top at the nightclub. You're voluntarily wearing what women wore in the 1600s to end an unwanted pregnancy. And you're mad at the peasant top dress from Forever 21. Like corsets came before peasant dresses. Like those dresses are more progressive than corsets. I feel like you're out there wearing a corset and you're buttoned down shirt. Have you seen that? We're adding corsets back in.
I feel like this whole episode is just to yell about this. Do you notice there's corsets and clothes again? No one cares. No one thinks that's weird. A business shirt. I'm trying to go get just a normal white shirt for a show. There's a corset on it now. Like we're going to that and trad wives are weird. What are we doing? So we're going to our office jobs in corsets being like, remember the good old days? That's how much we hate going to work. We know we have to.
But we're going, you know what would make this office job better? If I couldn't breathe at all. A lot of girls are saying that a girl with her hair down milking cows with no makeup on is backwards. You have someone else's hair clipped onto your head.
Anytime, look, I wear hair extensions sometimes and I have to call myself out and I'll be like, well, that girl is so fake. And I'm like, I have someone else's hair hanging from my head, not even the same color. And I think I'm pulling it off, right? All I ask is that people are honest about what they hate and why. Trad wife,
I was mad at it at first. And I was like, I'm jealous. I'm, I'm, I'm jealous. I'll say it. Society sucks so bad right now. I would love to be a barn hoe. That's all I want is to just go back and milk cows and help deliver calves instead of live in Los Angeles around a bunch of men with calf implants. I'd rather have donkeys than be in LA with a bunch of jackasses. I mean, how is this better? Also like, why not be a trad wife? The grid is gonna go down. Okay.
I just what do you expect women to do? They're telling women there's no jobs anymore. The food is full of chemicals. Your clothes have microplastics. Eggs are $12 a piece. Fertility is going down. Yoga pants have chemicals that will give you cancer. But yeah, don't wear loose fitting dresses. Don't have your own chickens. Don't learn how to make your own food or be with a man that you respect. Like, what is it is that people are mad at women that are raising their own kids? She's oppressed. Like the man should help. Do you do you really want that?
Do you really want that? Do you really want the next generation of kids to be raised by the men who go to the Ren Faire? I'm just saying all the options are terrible. That's what we should be upset about. Being a child wife has its drawbacks. I mean, single at 35 because your bar was too high and you didn't want to marry a guy who films himself working out.
That has its drawbacks as well. Being a woman is just always about choosing the least terrible options. You know what I mean? But then people will go, Whitney, it's financial abuse. Okay, but you do know that if you're doing all that, like raising chickens and milking cows, you can probably get a tax write-off as a working farm on your property and then pay less property tax. So...
Maybe the trad wife doing all that is going to save them $50,000 in taxes, which is basically like making $50,000. Saving money is making money. So she's doing more by farming than he is by working and probably having a secret family. But
I'm just saying it's I just feel like saving money in taxes because you're being a trad wife, you know, and you're not in office with some creep named Todd who keeps trying to schedule office bonding trips in the woods for no reason. Who keeps doing Larry the Cable Guy jokes in the break room is any better than that. You know, who cares? Who cares if a woman wants to live on a farm? Who cares? It's like the same dorks who are mad about this.
posting mean comments between playing Farmville on their computer. Like, is no one's the irony anymore? Is anyone self-aware about anything? I don't know. Hey, guys, here's the thing about anyone you hate on social media, who you think is problematic or who you think is toxic. I have such good news for you. Everyone you hate is miserable, too.
Rest assured, I'm sure all these trad wives you're so mad at in the linen aprons, they actually have those linen aprons to wipe the concentrate of tears running down their faces. Happy now? Good. Everyone is on the verge of such a severe existential depression that everyone's just doing whatever they can to get through this nightmare life and manage their terror. Happy? Anyway.
I'm off to go continue my day not being a trad wife. I'm going to go be an empowered modern woman who has to sit at my desk and write a script that will be shot in Hollywood where I might get shot by Alec Baldwin on a set where a producer or blonde lead actress psychologically abuses me all
All day. And then a nepo baby will come in and probably fire me for my own project. Then I'm going to go get a facial because I'm not allowed to age. And then I'm going to go work out because I'm not allowed to have my body. And then I'm going to order Postmates because I'm an empowered woman. And I'm going to overpay someone to bring me food chock full of chemicals, which will probably mix weird with my Prozac.
which I may not even need if I just ate food from the dirt and had water from a well instead of the California fentanyl plant. And then I'm so empowered, I'm going to take my son from my expensive nanny. I have to pay to watch him. And then because I'm a feminist, I'm going to spend as much time with my son as I can and try to get him to remember my name somehow before I go to the comedy store and do stand up for a bunch of guys who are like she used to be hot because I'm a feminist anyway.
Don't ride elephants. Actually, you know what? Ride them. They have better lives than women. At least nobody goes to a zoo and is like, that elephant looks tired. I'm okay. I'm fine.