Whitney on Wolves and Wall Street| Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 284
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Hey, everyone. Welcome to the program. I'm Whitney Cummings. Pat Fogarty is remote because he has priorities. He has a wife and a family for some reason. Here in the studio with me today is the iconic street skater, two-time... How many times did you win the X Games? Three. Ah, I wrote two-time X Games winner. No, two-time Skater of the Year. Ah, two-time Thrasher Skater of the Year. Three-times X Game winner, one-time X of Whitney Cummings.

Chris Cobra Cole. Future. We kind of broke up. Have I been broken up with? A couple times in my head. I forced Chris to sit here with me today and watch me talk about current events. So enjoy watching him slowly fall out of love with me. I am on tour this weekend. I'm going to be peddling my wares, aka childhood trauma. I'll be in San Diego. On Sunday, I'll be with my baby's biological father, Matt Reif. Next weekend, I'll be in Phoenix, Lexington. The next time, Indianapolis, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Vegas, and on and on and on.

It never ends. And if you don't know where to get tickets, I really hope you don't vote. What's worse? The guy with the vest and a t-shirt underneath or the girl with the vest with nothing underneath? The guy with the vest and the t-shirt. We know that there's nothing under that. That's like sick. This is like, I'm Steve Irwin. No, that to me has like pool hall vibes.

That to me has like there's probably a couple of knives in here in case things go sideways at the Queens of the Stone Age concert in Anaheim. Right. You know, yeah, this says I've stashed my knife in the dirt out front of the stadium a few times. Can I ask you a question, babe, before we get started? I'm really trying to slide into this slowly because we're going to talk about tariffs. Do you wash your jeans? Yes. Do you regularly wash your jeans? Yes. Yes.

How often do you wash your jeans? And I can't say I've always been this way, but I do wash my pants kind of a lot. I used to not wash my pants until you could see the salt tie dye salt lines. We'll take that out.

No, leave that in. No, thanks. Leave that in. You have no rights here. Everybody should know. And OK, well, I'm just trying to make sure I'm not in the presence of like, you know, bacterial. Yeah. You know what I mean? Folliculitis. The fact that, you know, the word folliculitis means you've been told by a doctor to wash your jeans. Exactly. Exactly.

Anyone who knows folliculitis has a history with being unsanitary. Yeah, babe. Tell them what it is. Anyone that says babe, also same group of people who know folliculitis. Yeah. Also has pointy guitars. Also wears vests with t-shirts with patches. No, stay. I like it. You know what? I'm just going to run it and then we'll look back on it. You're simply the best.

I know you like that. That was great. So this episode, I come to you as your number one source of political and economic news. It's time to talk tariffs. Mikey, I know you're going to want to weigh in on this. Do you want to just yell at me now, Mikey? I want to hear your thoughts. How old are you, Mikey, now? 26? 20, 25, but I feel like I'm like 65. You're 25, but you feel like you're 65. Yeah, I thought that too. When I was your age, I just knew everything. The stock market crashed.

Then it then Trump, the most recent thing that just happened is that he held for 90 days. Now the stock market is back up. Can we can I just go off on the stock market for a second? Because I am I am as someone that has been pathologized for years for being emotional and this and that the stock market cracks me up because it is truly proof that men are so much more emotional than women.

It's all just you guys. A stock market crash is literally guys being dramatic and like overreacting to things like that's our thing. You know, I never thought I would be annoyed that you guys were also being emotional because I'm like, I'm not emotional. Now, like, why are you guys doing the very thing that you yell at us about? Like every couple of years, you guys have like PMS and the stock market crashes. The stock market is literally all like it's a pendulum of confidence and insecurity. Again, that's our thing.

The stock market, it's appropriating women's culture and I'm not going to have it anymore. The economy is literally so high school. It's a bunch of like pick me kids making all of their choices based on what the seniors are doing and what they think someone cool thinks is cool. The stock market is, it's how guys gossip, right? Again,

our thing. Like, I feel like the stock market is just like men's emotions deciding that they don't like something anymore because of some gossip they heard. They're just like, oh, like we're not talking to Tommy anymore. Why not? He was our friend. OK, we don't like him anymore. OK, we hate Tommy now. And this whole time, Tommy was just Home Depot.

Like, why men will spread rumors about the stock market the way girls spread rumors about other girls. Like, that's what guys will do. They'll be like, oh, you know, I don't know about Home Depot. Like, I heard nobody's fixing up their homes anymore. You know, people are traveling more and they're living in apartments more. You're like, oh, where'd you hear that? And they're like, my cousin.

Does he live in an apartment? No. Is he traveling more? No. But this is trust me, dude. Like, OK, I guess we're all mad at Home Depot now and we're going to take our money out of that and put in lime scooters because I heard people love getting concussions and tearing their Achilles. Like it's literally the stock market is just delusional confidence to get everyone in on something. And as soon as there's like a rumor, the whole myth gets shattered. It's like it's like it's like love bombing a brand.

Yeah, it's insane. It's insane. And that the pitch is that everybody gets in on it. Uh-huh. But I'm only getting in on it because you're getting in on it. But also...

I've devoted my entire life to it, but you should totally get in here with your money so I can take that money. I just don't get why anyone's... It's all just hearsay gossip. You know what I mean? They'll be like, I'm selling Brandy Melville. Oh, we're selling Brandy... Why? Well, we looked at the weather in Dubai this summer and we think sales are going to slow down. Why would grown men weigh in on how teenagers are going to dress this summer? Huh?

Like that, like the logic is always so wild to me. This is all value is made up. That's the problem. OK, we do real things based on imaginary value. And it's so hard for me to take seriously. It's like if you had an imaginary tea party with your kid or your nephew or whatever, and then one of the kids spilled imaginary tea on the carpet and then you threw the carpet away because it had a stain. Yeah.

This is where the economy loses me. It's also just like blows my mind that humans are so easy to con and persuade. Like we're also the same species that thinks that Jackson Pollock is worth $250 million.

Pat's going to show the Jackson Pollock. It's here somewhere. Look, I know I couldn't make a Jackson Pollock. You can do it. Yeah, I don't have that many mental illnesses. There is a de Kooning worth $375 million. And I know art is just like how billionaires launder money. It's fine. It's what? Does anybody have any idea on how they valued it?

Like, how do they come up with that arbitrary number? It's exactly that number. Well, the criminals that run the world, it's the same way they decide where Epstein Island is going to be. Where do you get somewhere where you're on water that doesn't have international law being enforced? And then how do you pick what girls are going to come? Oh, it's going to be from a country where the age legal age is 15. You know what I mean? That's how those decisions are made. Just arbitrary number.

Yeah, it's sort of like, okay, this sounds... I know you hate round numbers. I hate round numbers. I hate round, round numbers. Okay, but that's more on a statistic. We'll get to that in a second because I need to talk about the measles outbreak and the number of people that have measles. Oh, is the measles rising? Always comes to a zero, zero. There's 500 cases of measles in Texas. And if there's 500, that means there's 10,000. Yeah.

No, like not everyone goes to the doctor, you guys. And so they're saying there's 500 cases of measles in kids. Fine. So that means there's like 8,000 in adults because adults don't go to the doctor. Most of us don't go to the doctor at all. To go to the doctor for measles, they're just like, oh, herpes, fine, move on. Like what? Put some Mike's Hard Lemonade on it and move on. Just throw some Vicks VapoRub on it. Just twisted tea. No one thinks it's going to be... I'll just drink this twisted tea and it'll all go away. This twisted tea. It'll all go away. Six twisted teas and I'm...

Don't care anymore. So it's like, I don't we don't we have no idea. And you know what really grinds my gears when you give me a clean, even number that would never really happen. If it's we're talking science, we're talking measles, you guys. Can you not round up or down just for I know the number is going to be different by this. Just can you say 488 cases instead of 500 cases? Like, are you in a rush? Are you in a hurry? Do you need more time?

We always need more time. I haven't said that to you in a while. Thank God. When a guy wants to argue with me about shit and they don't have it together, I'm just like, do you want to? So here's the thing.

I think Worth also has gotten so crazy for so many reasons. We've gotten into the total like postmodern like simulator of like Jean Baudrillard of like we actually prefer something that's fake to it being real. Wait, the what? The postmodern like Jean Baudrillard is like a philosopher that his sort of thesis was about how we prefer fake to the real. Like you would rather have a grape runt than a grape.

Thank you. What? I just needed to know. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, grape chewing gum is actually better than grapes at this point. Watermelon Jolly Rancher is, like, kind of better than most watermelon. Like, we prefer the Simulacra to the original, you know? So, which is why Chris will eventually fall in love with the robot that is right behind him. He will prefer the robot of me. It is so scary. It is so scary. Can they even see it? Yeah.

You will start to go, it's scary, but the fact that it doesn't talk and looks enough like her is enough for me. It is just like, I can't do it with my eyes, but to try to do that is just wild. So this is our species at this point. So Steve Wynn, who, a big guy in Vegas, he has like the Wynn Hotel. He had a Van Gogh. His vision is going. He puts his elbow through a Van Gogh while he was showing it to his friends, and they repaired it, and the value went up.

That's the economy. When something made by a mentally ill person gets damaged, it actually is worth more money.

We're in a free fall, folks. Hey, everyone. We're brought to you by Hero Bread. Teleprompter script, 180 seconds. If you've ever tried to eat healthier and thought, okay, I'm just going to give up bread, you know, first of all, how dare you? Rude. Second of all, you don't have to. That's where Hero Bread comes in. Hero Bread makes bagels, tortillas, and dinner rolls that are soft, fluffy, and delicious. And my OCD is not being distracted by my boyfriend changing the screen behind me.

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You guys, you know I'm a fashion icon. That's my thing. That's my brand. But you also know that I can't handle a con. I can't do it. I'm just at this point where if I'm being conned, I'm out. I will be the one doing the conning around here.

I will be the one doing the tomfoolery and skullduggery. I will not be skulldugged on. OK, so I just cannot stand when I like find like the cutest shirt or like the sheet. And then it's it's what why am I paying so much for this? I know I know what it costs to make. I know what it costs to make. OK, I'll get in that Google wormhole and that'll put together the actress that you hired to wear your clothes in an ad. And I'm like, I'm paying for her.

I'm paying. So, OK, so I'm trying to buy this like cute white crisp shirt because I'm classy. And then I have to pay this actress because you hired her to do the ad. And now she's telling me how to vote. I don't I'm good.

This is why I shop at gas stations. But thankfully, Quince came along. Quince is the place to get high-end fashion and travel gear at prices that won't make your credit card cry. Think like lightweight European linen dresses from $30. You can be so cute, like full-on just white Lotus chic. They have also, by the way, roller bags because you know me and my luggage. Love it. I have to get new luggage because I took very fancy luggage back to the place that made it. Yeah.

When it was broken, not only did they not fix it properly, they didn't give me the other one back. Skullduggery. I mean, just to the bone. All right. So I got this amazing like roller bag, got through airport security. I was able to I throw I mean, I do throw my luggage down a flight of stairs. I mean, like to be fair. And it has like weights in it. So still pristine. They handled it over at Quince. This is the only place that I buy new clothes like actually.

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So here's the thing. We're going to talk about tariffs. Just be just chill out. OK, you know, I'm right. Just how about this? Before we get into this, just rest easy. I'm about to be right. All right. And also, oh, it reminds me, you know, yes, you are right. I can see the comments. You are right. You're all right. Remember, I'm too right for the left. I'm too left for the right. Neither of you get to claim me. And if you disagree, that doesn't mean I'm being paid by Russia. Although now that I know.

have a son and have to pay for fake fire insurance in California. I am very open to questionable paid partnerships, to be very clear. But also, where do they, is it a Venmo? Like, how do they send, like, the people that are paid by Russia, where's it going? I'd love to find out. Like, is it a direct deposit? My number's on Reddit, Putin. Try me. Also, by the way, people that accuse me of working for Russia, I've worked for way worse people than Russia. Okay. Okay.

So, all right, here's my first thought. My first thought about this was like, OK, Trump wants to bring factory jobs back to America. I like it. I like that. Hold on. But I know there's a catch. There's I know there's a catch. OK, too good to be true. So he wants to bring factory jobs back to America. But his best friend's main focus is building robots that will replace factory jobs.

I mean, I know right now the Tesla robots are very busy dry humping Kim Kardashian in Malibu to photo shoot. But like, it seems clear like they're being made. You know what I mean? Like, it's a real company. Tesla's a real company. I wasn't sure for like a long time. I actually think he's just like impregnating his employees. So we think there's a real company there or something like, which by the way, there are people that work at Tesla. They have come to shows before. Recently, we were in like Northern California and there was a girl that worked at Tesla. And all I could think about was like,

has he asked you to be one of his incubators, like one of his handmaids? And she said no and was like embarrassed about it. It was such a bummer. We'll play the clip. You work at Tesla. Oh, you do really? And he hasn't asked you to have, is that hurtful? It's kind of tough. It's, it's all the girls kind of like, did you get like, are all the girls kind of like, what would happen? What would you do if he was like, Hey,

You want this fucking... ass burgers, he'd be like, "Here's my spot." Does he throw it this way? Like she's legitimately bummed and like that would actually be humiliating. Embarrassed that she didn't get asked? Yeah. Yeah, you'd be like, "Am I not?" Like how do I, do I need to make my eyes further apart? Like how do I get him to want to have a kid with me? Are my hips not what you... Anyway, come see a show. I make you trash your boss and then I put it on the internet.

The point is that the idea of bringing production back to America, I am all for this. But is there a less painful way to do it? Because if that did happen immediately, people would only really need those new production jobs to pay for the products that are now more expensive because of the tariffs.

So would kind of cancel each other out. If production jobs come to the U.S., like you have to provide trade schools so people have tangible skills. I like this. That's pretty cool. Because that might mean college as it is now is irrelevant in college. Like even if you're going in person at this point, it's just like a scam where kids like learn to throw soup at paintings to protest climate change, which, by the way,

Idiots. Most paintings are just paint thrown at a canvas. So if you throw soup at it, it looks the exact same. It's more expensive. Yeah.

You just raised the value of the painting. You idiot. Like if a Jackson Pollock had tomato soup thrown on it by some idiot who was like not queer for some other country that would murder them in cold blood if they actually went there, like you just raised the value of the painting. Jackson Pollock literally made his paintings activist proof. All of his art just looks like soup that was thrown at a canvas and dried up. Like honestly, if you wanted to file art these days,

paint something recognizable on it. You could just skillfully paint something that exists in real life that I'd want to look at. If you want to ruin a painting, make it something people want to hang on a wall and not a mentally ill person's cry for help. That that's not a painting. That's called a podcast. I feel like the real problem with bringing factory jobs to United States is that American kids in their 20s, they don't want these jobs. They don't

They're not. They're above factory jobs. OK, they think they they're not going to best case scenario. They'll do stand up at the laugh factory because they're stars. They'll go to the color factory, which is where influencers go and take pictures of themselves and rainbow ball pits. I have nieces who are Gen Z. They're not going to work in a factory. They won't even work at the cheesecake factory because that would mean they would have a boss.

The next generation sees working for someone else as building someone else's dream, even if they have no experience to build their own dream. They would last five minutes in a factory. As soon as they found out the factory was owned by Nike, they were like,

They're like, wait a second, hold on, wait, this is for Nike? They're going to lose their minds and start live streaming a boycott because the owners of Unilever are white men who are trash. Like, they're not doing any of this, okay? The reason manufacturing went to other places is no one in America believes they should be working for some corporation who treats workers badly. They want to be the head of the corporation who treats workers badly, not the workers that are being treated badly. They see the horrible boss as...

paying $2 an hour, abusing people, going, that should be me.

That's what I am born to do. They want to start their own company where they underpay people, where they turn a blind eye to fingers getting cut off, where they don't have to get near the cobalt mines yet have three charities for kids with cleft palates to pretend they care about children and they also get tax breaks on the money they make from using child labor in India. I mean, it's just like a circle jerk, rat king nightmare. When a CEO in America does decide, you know what? I'm going to give a kid in their 20s a chance.

This is my rich friend's son. What could go wrong with this nepo baby working for me? Two days in, they're like, never mind. I don't need to get sued for telling my employee they can't work from home for two years. I guess I'll just use kids in Malaysia who will be grateful to get clown lung for making shoes that show every single toe. That's why... That's why...

Too much confidence. This next generation can't do factory work. Like psychologically, they won't do it. When someone in their 20s has a great job where their boss is rooting for them and loves them, they believe they're already working in a factory. They think they're doing. So imagine if they were in an actual factory. I don't want American workers personally. They think every workplace is toxic, but they work from home.

Your workplace is toxic, but it's your home. Oh, so it's you in a room alone. That is pretty toxic. Yeah, that is pretty terrifying. I agree. Toxic used to mean like you would be inhaling chemicals. Now people get uncomfortable at work. People used to get clown lung at work. You get a case of popcorn head. Now Gen Z is brushing their teeth with charcoal because it's cute for social media. Some people have to swallow it as their job.

OK, so that your ring light works on your paid partnership with Charcoal Toothpaste, which says in huge letters on the side of the tube, do not swallow. If you're an employer in America and now you're going to have to hire a bunch of Americans because of this tariff, like

What you do have going for you is that half of Gen Z does believe they are in a simulation. So you might be able to just be like, oh, like this is fake anyway. You know, like if you put these pieces together of this toy, this is where you earn points. You know, this is where you build your collection of magic swords for Zelda. Yeah.

Is that a thing? Master sword. Master swords? Yeah. We already went through this. The master sword. You can't say master. We went through this whole thing last week. Kids in their 20s, they don't want to work in factories. This is our problem. Okay? They want to be activists. How convenient. They want to stand up and protect people in bad work conditions while wearing Shein clothing that was made by a limbless tot. I just feel like the irony is too intense for me. And...

I'm going to dip my toe into a scary area right now. Yes. And I'm going to say the C word, China. Okay, I'm ready to focus. My Prozac is popping off. I'm not talking about Chinese people. I'm talking about the Chinese government. And if you don't remember that the Chinese government did have a one-child policy implemented from 1979 to 2015, trying to curb the population, restricting families to one child, forced sterilizations.

Now can I talk about them? How could I forget? That happened. Even though I know what you're thinking. Every time I go to the airport, I don't think forced sterilizations are that bad of an idea. I thought that they were kind of onto something. I kind of honestly. I was like, hey. Every time the guy next to me on a plane lands and they pick up their phone right away. You don't need. Yeah. Landed.

Yeah, I just landed. That's not the move. Can you hear me? I just lay I'm on the tarmac. It's like, dude, this is a text max. The move is to turn it on with your ringer on. So you get all the ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And if you don't, you feel like a loser. OK, is oh, my God, you just blew my mind because I think the person with all the dings is the loser.

Because, oh, you're really showing how nerdy you are. So are you telling me that guys leave their sound on when they land so everyone can see how popular they are, even though those are probably it's probably just one problematic woman? Yes. Yeah.

I'm just saying, I think it's pretty wild that half of all men believe that they can land a plane if they needed to, but they don't know how to turn their text notifications off. Like also like your phone's going off. Cool. You're getting a bunch of offers from Pottery Barn. Cool. Like no one's like, oh, those are all people. The one child policy is like, it is what it is. I don't know how you think. I honestly wouldn't mind America having one so that I wouldn't. So that's what I could blame having one kid on. I just like, I wanted another one, but you know, there's a policy. Like, it's not that I couldn't.

You know, I just need someone to make the decision for me because Chris Cole over here is too busy shopping for stickers for his vest to take initiative. Tariffs would make Chinese products more expensive.

So what? They're like two dollars. Like what? Do we need more Chinese products? Like, like, let's just talk like stuff. Let's not talk microchips and generators and stuff like that. Like consumer items. OK, I don't need my toddler playing with a two dollar toy to make him happy. No one's happy if it's made by a toddler making two dollars a year who lost his knuckles making it like a who wins in this situation.

Like, it's wild to me. We want to make conditions better in America in workplaces, but we're like happy to buy a toy wagon from China that costs five bucks knowing so many people lost their tibia and fibia.

in the assembly line for this thing that costs $5. Like, no, a toy shouldn't be $5. A wagon for it shouldn't be $5. And I shouldn't get it the same day I ordered it. Like, it feels wrong. Like, when I order something that I know is made in China and I get it eight hours later, I'm like, I feel bad. It's like when I watched the iCarly documentary. I was like, something's wrong.

This is a, okay, I know we're raising awareness. I know I'm supposed to be like supporting this. It is a documentary about teenagers being sexualized to raise awareness, but they're doing the same exact thing and playing the same exact scenes that sexualized teens, except they're not even paying the girls. Yeah. And it's like a best of. The best of sexual harassment. It's a highlight reel.

of all of the disgusting scenes. You need to know how to get to them. So creeps can all just, they don't have to waste time scrolling through the episode story part. Yeah. They can get straight to Ariana Grande sucking on a potato or whatever it was. So you know when you can't articulate something, you have to just settle for cognitive dissonance because you're like, I'm just going to sound crazy if I articulate that I have a weird vibe about something. Like the Sound of Freedom guy. You remember, Pat, I was getting pummeled online

OK, because I knew something was off. I was like, this guy is saving kids from being trafficked. Yet he's on The Ellen Show next to the toddler in a unitard twerking. Something's off to me, but I guess I'm crazy. What if Chinese people are stoked about this? Is there any chance that Chinese workers are like, oh, my God, thank you so much for the tariff. Now we'll only work 18 hours a day.

Like, they're like, oh, good, we can remove half the nets around the factories because less people are jumping because they never see their families. Like, is that possible? Chinese New Year, all the Chinese workers go home and talk to the people that live in their village or town or whatever city. And then once the factories open back up, they all quit because they realize that they're getting like terrible conditions. Whoa. So the person that told me this framed it as, yeah, you need to regrow the crop, quote unquote, as in...

get new workers every year. Yeah, kind of crazy. Dude, that's like my obsession about why Ghislaine Maxwell is still alive because I have a theory that every country that wants her gone because the leaders have incriminating evidence, all the hit men ran into each other at the same 7-Eleven down the street from her prison and they started talking

And they're just like, wait, Putin's paying you how much? Wait, well, I'm not doing that. Hold on. Wait. Yeah, they pull out the flip phone. They're like, this motherfucker.

I just don't think that this is left or right at all. Like, I just feel like this is an issue of should anyone own a thing that costs $2 that got here? That's thousands of miles away. This is I don't know what stance I'm taking every now and then I'll take a stance and someone will be like, you're a left wing woke late. And then I hear you're a red pill. I'm like a red pill grifter. If I say something, I don't. You guys, let me just be very clear with you.

If you know me at all, you know I would never totally agree on much with a person who doesn't have a dog. Trump doesn't have a dog. I'm not right or left. I'm dog or no dog. If someone doesn't have a dog, I don't know you. Cat's fine. I'll take it. It's a different vibe. If I'm texting with a cat person, I just know to change my profile photo to the one of me with blue hair.

They know I'm coming in peace. Trump doesn't even have a fake dog for appearances. Biden had a dog that bit so many people and he did nothing about it. That's kind of sick. In the interest of comedy, that's really funny. A senile dude

With the dog that bites everybody. That tells me everything I need to know about Joe Biden. Biting Secret Service agents inside the White House is awesome. I don't know what's worse, honestly. Someone without a dog or someone whose dog is not on a leash and attacking people. Both of you are my enemy and I don't trust your choices. So the point is, the tariffs, ideally, they're to encourage us to buy American-made items, okay?

It's a little awkward. It's awkward. Given the fact that our country's main export at this point is confidence and blogs, I did look up American-made items. Okay? Chris Woodworker, this chair, this American-made chair, made by Chris Cole. I made that. Only took six months. We don't need assembly lines over here. How many? Five months. Five months? I didn't see and see it. I had to do this with a hand palm router.

So look, you could have recruited a couple of children to maybe help you with the tough spots, but I did look into, okay, let's just go American made. Let's just see if this, this is, this could be good. Okay. It'd be easier to build factory jobs on, on the items we already have. So just like my,

thing was what's already american made i just want to see what we make here sir sorry one thing about the concern about the american made stuff though and it's kind of happening already is like prison labor so like 13 that happens with um uh walmart yeah so like you'll start seeing more american made stuff but like who knows if it's made so if we see more american made stuff it could be prison labor yeah uh

Getting paid like cents. So you're telling me that if I get a cute tank top, maybe one of the Menendez brothers made it? You know which one would have been the one to make it. So do they get reduced prison time if they do it? Or do they get paid? I think they get paid like cents on the dollar. Here's some American companies I found out. New Balance. Jeep. Jeep.

Both American made. So we're all just divorced dads now, I guess, if we do that. Like if you're doing like if you're like, I'm just going to do American made Jeeps, New Balance, like cool. Like we all have just the American made jean short company to go with those two things. I don't know.

I feel like Jeep and New Balance is like old money Nepo baby trying to pretend they aren't rich because their parents got rich from something horrible. Yeah. I do love a New Balance, though. You know this about me. Oh, yeah. You've got a bunch. I do. I mean, when I wear New Balance, people do let me park in the handicap park. They're the number one skate selling shoe right now. New Balance. Yeah. Is that true? That is true right now. Yeah.

Because the word balance, there must be some kind of like in your job. They have the skater of the year. He's on the team. They got a really good team. OK, I just most of their shoes for people that aren't skateboarders do look special needs. They have they have special needs energy. Am I wrong? No, they totally they're they're short bus. I'm not sure. I'm not. I just there's like they're basically guys wearing heels. Like if you're wearing the like new balance, I'm just saying, I don't know.

I wear them. I wear them. I love it. I love it when people... I know the ones you're talking about. New Balance, I'll do. Jeep, I don't know. I used to have... Jeep Wrangler, I'm not... Not doing it? You know what? American-made, fine. I'll get a Jeep Wrangler. I love deep-throating my own hair.

We looked up some top down. Like, why am I eating my hair on the way to this date when a guy picks you up in a Jeep Wrangler and there's like, let's go. And you're like, can I where's my purse? Can I not? I did look up some American made products and I was surprised, honestly, how much everything looked like it should be in the props department for the show Portlandia. Like, I don't I'm sure I don't.

What else we got? I did find a company that is American made in Massachusetts. I really want to I'm like, I just want to buy American made anyway. We should be doing this anyway. I'm not even thinking about that. There is in Massachusetts. There is something it's called half in the bag. It is a bag that holds your wine bottle.

So this is, you know, it's a bag that just holds a wine bottle. I mean, my mom just made these out of my onesies. But, you know, this woman, she started a company. I went to the website and it says half in the bag customers aren't partially inebriated. They only want a fashionable cloth to carry their wine in. That's not defensive at all. These are wine bags. They have whales in.

lobsters on them. This is what America is currently manufacturing. I don't think China stands a chance. They've got patterns. One has fish, very festive start. One has maps, like it's maps on it, a map of the places, you know, you wish that

Someone was making your wine bag cheaper just to rub it in. Oh, the place is your go. This is so American. Like a bag for winos who need their wine on the go but hate the sound of a paper bag. Like I don't know how to bring your wine into your kid's recital without making a scene. I mean, I'm into it. Like, of course, when I look up American-made products, the first one that comes up is a contraption to conceal your liquor. Yes.

Like we got twee alcoholism. We got it. Putting your wine in like a cute, fun bag. It's like when a girl at a party is like super emo and she puts her cigarette in one of those long things from like the 40s. It's like a cigarette. Yeah, Cruella de Vil. Totally. And like everyone's like, oh my God, that's so crazy. But like no one has noticed that she's pregnant. We got to be cute sometimes, you know? But so that I'll be buying those maybe for Christmas for people. That could be good. What's this one called, Pat? American Flannel Company.

The Vermont Flannel Company. Vermont Flannel Company. Okay. This is an American-made item. I don't want to be not patriotic or whatever, but for me, flannels, if you're from the South, you find your flannels hanging from a barbed wire fence. You go for a ride on your horse in Virginia. You come back with a new wardrobe. Yeah, you shake it out, make sure there's no bees in it. It's stuff they put up to remember their route back from hunting or something. You go out, you come back with a new wardrobe.

They can't find their way back. You have a new shirt. So I just, I don't know. I know when people are probably listening, going, it's not about clothes. Eggs are expensive. I know. I got it. Car is expensive, too. Why do you think I'm trying to get chickens? And why do you think I ride a horse? Because I love the smell? No. Another American-made item right here. We continue our journey through this wild flea market of American goods. Yeah.

Boomerangsbyvic.com? Yes. We don't need tariffs now that we say. I mean, honestly, Boomerangs by Vic. I'm stoked on this. China must be shaking in their boots at the state-of-the-art advanced technology we have here in America. Behold, a boomerang made by a guy named Vic. What? This is a product I can get behind. This is a name I can get behind. Ha ha ha.

I love it. Let's scale this operation. Like, of course, of course, America makes boomerangs. You try to hit someone else, it backfires, hits you in the face. Perfect metaphor for America. Like, a boomerang, is this like a fidget spinner for adult men? And we took it from another country. It's like, I literally didn't understand how boomerangs worked exactly. No one does.

No, it does. What are you talking about? What do you mean? You throw them at a bird and then you hit the bird. I don't think that's what they do. I think that's what they're for. No. I watched a YouTube video of a guy who was from somewhere in Turkey. It was a stand. Hello. I'm Naminus. I make wooden boomerangs. It was a stand, not Australia. No, it was like a...

Turkmenistan, like one of the stands. And I watched the video and the guy, it's the loneliest thing I've ever seen. It was heartbreaking. It was just a guy throwing it and catching it himself. So you can play catch alone. How far does it go? How far does it go out? Does it go in a big circle? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It goes pretty far and then comes back. Honestly, they should sell boomerangs next to blow up dolls. Honestly.

on Craigslist. Like that, it's the same demographic of people. I don't think, you can literally play catch alone. If I keep talking about this, I'll burst into tears. Like I can't even think about it. That,

That one's so sick. Just like some grandma socks. This is a boomerang by Vic that's four. That's more of a ninja star, no? Is this what happens when you date a straight guy? You know about boomerangs and ninja stars? It's like a nightmare. I made ninja stars. Yeah, you have. Nunchucks. I make a lot of nunchucks. None or num? None. Nunchucks. Yeah. One last thing that was made in America. Field notes.

This is a little journal. Feels like it was made in Vermont or Colorado or something. There are these little journals for people who can't figure out how to use the Notes app. Look, I... Back pocket. How come I've never seen that before? Always have it in my back pocket. Where did you get that? I buy them. Where? Where'd I buy it? You go to the mall? Wait, paper source? No.

Chris goes to stores. I've never... I love the mall. He goes to the mall. He's in paper stores. He's greeting cards. He comes back with caramels from a candy store. I usually have pocket candy. I don't have any right now. I ate them on the way in. But I bought this particular... Is that Suicide Notes? No. Yes.

What's in there? Is this girls' phone numbers? No, it's about my feelings. It's measurements. Is it? Yeah. What kind of measurements? It's like furniture stuff. But I bought that from Barnes & Noble.

Oh, babe, I love you. Barnes & Noble recently? Barnes & Noble is a journal store now. Yeah, totally. It used to be you go there. This is the narcissism. So remember it used to be that if there was a celebrity around, people would film them?

Or if something was like agreed on as the main attraction. So I was performing in Miami recently and they were filming me while I was on stage. And I was like, guys, can you not? This is new stuff. And they looked at me like I was nuts. These girls were filming themselves.

I was in the background of their video. Like, I'm the extra in the background. Like, oh, so sorry. That's as embarrassing as it gets. And remember when you would go to Barnes & Noble to get books that had other people's words in them that were like the I write books? Now you get empty ones because you're the star. Like, you guys don't know. I'll take it from here. There's 500,000 books in Barnes & Noble and you're like, no, no, no, no. I'll write my own. I need to...

I need to jot down my own thoughts. This is sweet, babe. I can't handle your thoughts. I need to handle my own. Chris uses this to try to remember very basic things that just should be like second nature. And it's why I love you so much. But most people, when I was looking at the website, it's a lot of like bird watching. It's like they have birds on them. And, you know, it's like,

Guys out in the brush in the field, bush in the field and watching birds and writing notes, I guess, about the birds. So I guess this is just so American to me. Just the idea that they cut down birds homes to make books.

out of birds homes and then they watch the birds try and scramble for a new home they're like oh they seem really anxious today yeah because you took their home to write about them living there because you had to pretend you're a zoologist instead of just signing the divorce papers already wait you guys i've never been starstruck by an ad read before

I'm starstruck. So I see this brand on TikTok all the time. It's called the paired app. This is a real genuine reaction. No joke for realsies. It's how you have a conversation. Oh, my God. When we were in a fight recently, I was like, we should get this and do this. I can't believe that they're sponsoring the podcast. How did they do they know? OK, so.

Let me just read the copy and be a professional. When is the last time you had a deep, fun, or flirty conversation with your partner? Babe? We do that all the time. We just did it. You told me to enter the one door, and I was like, are you flirting with me? That was actually really cute. My baby was sleeping, and I was like, come in the front door, not the side door. And I was actually being really rude, and he was like, ooh, flirty. Flirt. Flirt.

No, but like when's the last time we like had a, like a deep conversation? A deep conversation? We do that all the time too. We do? Yeah. Especially right before bed. No, the deep conversation before bed is literally you being like, what's your favorite color? Sometimes I do that. We'll be falling asleep and he's like, Hey, what's your favorite color? I'm like, I don't, I don't know. Cause I'm 40. I'm not sure. What's yours? Neon green. It's glow in the dark. Glow in the dark. Yes.

Anyway, if you're like most couples, aka us, the daily grind just gets in the way. That's why I'm about to start using the paired app. It helps you and your partner stay emotionally connected with just five minutes a day. Here's how it works. I'm so excited. Okay, you and your partner download the app. Okay, do it now. Doing it right now. We're going to pair it together because you were so good at pairing our calendars. I did do that. And then you're going to get a quiz, a prompt, or a game to answer. And you can't see the response until you've answered yours. So it creates like a cute. I got it.

Okay, it's downloaded. You have to put it on my table. Well, no, I'm getting it now. Okay. And here's the thing. If your guy does have to put in nine passwords before he does the paired app and puts his phone down at dinner, maybe not the guy. But they're going to ask questions. Look, what do you admire most about your partner, babe? Your insights. Really? And your laughter. My insights? Thanks. I love your takes on things, and I love your laughter, and I love your...

your emotional awareness. What's your favorite memory together? Taking the boat out was pretty cool.

That was like, I'm not a boat. We did. We stopped on the way to San Jose and we like took a boat out and we both were like in the same like energy of like, are we doing something fun? Like we can we just like, let's just do it. Let's like be fun. Whether you've been together for two months or 10 years, paired apps helps you open up resolve stuff that's been lingering and even flirt more. It's like couples therapy meets game night, but no awkward zoom sessions. Thank the Lord. Head to pair.com slash Whitney. Start your seven day trial. Are you ready? It's down.

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This is a segment called The Bee in My Bonnet. Did you see that the tech dorks have decided to resurrect? Oh, my God. The dire wolf? It's not, though. He's trying so hard. It's not, though. What do you think? Oh, you psyched?

No, because it's not the dire wolf, because you have to have an actual you have to have an actual embryo from a dire wolf to make a dire wolf. So they have like some gray wolf and all this other stuff. Yeah. I mean, they took the DNA and they I mean, a lot of dogs had to die for them to put it inside the dog and try to get it going. I mean, they did it.

They did it, but it's not a dire wolf. Unless they're lying about it and they put a bunch of filler in a golden retriever. It's a gray wolf. It's not a dire wolf. Uh-huh. Dire wolves apparently were like their own species. It's like an orca versus a dolphin. What if it was a real dire wolf? Because it is. But it's not.

It's enough of one. Oh, okay. This is... How did you just out me me? That's how we have to just... We need to send them to La Brea back into the tar pit. They did. That thing needs to go back into the tar pit where they all went the first time. They brought... Okay, let's say it's 75% dire wolf. Okay. This is a problem. Why? Why?

Because they tear the club up. Like, dude, you don't want a dire wolf near the elementary school. You don't think it's kind of sick? No, it's sick as fuck. But it's also like woolly mammoths are sick as shit, too. Okay, the guy that did the dire wolf, I know you were just on Joe Rogan's podcast. I'm sure your heart is in the right place. But I also... I hate you.

I also might need to just fight you. Like, it's not it won't be. I just have to like I think there's a better way to do this to get whatever you need out of this. There's a better way to do it where animals are not going to be abused because if you do not abuse and Rufy, I just missed my finger. I'm so grumpy. You are going to die.

They don't care that you brought them back. They're not like, what? You're my... They don't... You're not their dad. You're not their friend. They... I mean...

this is a cool way to commit suicide like it's kind of sick like there's dude it is really silicon valley are two types of people the men that want to live forever by high performing the ones are like how quick can i die let's make a wolf like you know so i kind of respect it i don't have to hear about you ice bathing and stuff um but i i guess if someone needs a cool story i'll dire wolf bit my finger off like okay you can also just lie can people just

go back to lying maybe I don't know you can't lie anymore you can't lie anymore also if I've learned anything from mummy movies it's that when you bring things back from the dead they are cranky real pissed

This dire wolf's going to tear a club up. Do you guys know what the word dire means? Does anyone? Yeah. It means causing or involving great fear or suffering. Dreadful. Terrible. As in a dire calamity. In Latin, translates to terrible wolf. I was wrong. But this means nothing to a kid who went to an Ivy League school who has never heard no in his life.

who thinks his biggest contribution to the world is bringing back an apex predator nobody knows how to handle. Could anyone just, could any rich person just go put clean water in Appalachia and then do all this? Like, is there anything, can, do you want to be a hero? Like, we can help you be a hero. Like, nah, because honestly, why would a creep that wants to bring back a dire wolf be a hero?

Even want to clean up the water in Appalachia. He loves weird creatures like kids with three eyeballs. He loves a Cyclops kid. Let's bring that. Let's get more of those. It should be the cage next to my new dire wolf at Comic-Con next year. I am really going to try to be cute about this, but I want to be very clear. I hate you. So if you've done this, I truly like I shouldn't say that. I will never stop making fun of you.

I will always be on your tail. I am a dire woman. This is so much worse than a dire wolf. I am a dire wolf with a bone when it comes to stuff like that. My side hustling is exotic animal trafficking, not doing it. Like,

sitting in it. I sit in animal traffic quite a lot. Anytime someone is touching a lion, tiger or bear cub, it is abuse always. And the thing that I think makes me the craziest about it, it brings me back to being like raised by alcoholics, like the idea that like the cognitive dissonance of like, what's the number one thing that you know about mothers that are apex predators? Number one thing.

Oh, there's a lion. Do they have a baby with them? There's a bear. Do they have a baby with them? Number one thing. Yeah. Moms are protective of their babies, but then they see a bear cub loose and they're like, Oh look, a bear cub. What do you think had happened to the mom? What do you think had happened? So I'm just, I'm so fascinated by our like ability to like override that. Right. I,

You know what? I don't hate you. I hate your guts. Is that bad? Is that worse? Like, how do you tell someone? I feel like all we do online all day, people are like, I hate you. You suck. What can I say to make you know I'm not kidding? Like, I don't even know how to, like, relay to someone the level of vile I think you are. Like, imagine being aware of what is going on in the world, having the power to maybe actually change some of it. Economic inequality, disastrous health care situation in America, whatever.

And you're like, you know what we need? A super wolf who can tear a person in half without thinking twice. Have you been in urgent care recently? We're doing a good job on our own. It's no urgent. They don't care.

How you're going to break a magic dude, the Silicon Valley guys need a timeout. You're on the it's a timeout. OK, it is amazing how there is no limit to the number of additional items guys will add to the list of things women need to be terrified of on a daily basis.

Like, you got like a cool wolf. Awesome. Awesome. I'll just add that to my list of the other things I have to worry about on a daily basis of perishing from. You just made our list so much longer. So I already have to deal with like death by maybe walking to work, walking to my car after work. I don't know. Childbirth, your weird neighbor, dress gets caught in an escalator, cancer from our thongs and deodorant, which we only wear for you. And this is how you thank us by adding direwolf.

to our list of possible causes of death. My panties are in a bundle in a way that is inexplicable. I'm already kind of on pins and needles because I have a bobcat I have to contend with. This is the bobcat that was in my yard. That's not a sober animal. That's not a sober predator.

OK, our apex predators are on drugs. Let's let's hold on the dire wolf for like maybe a couple of years till we figure out how to get our wild animals sober. I don't know. Is there like a Betty Ford section just for critters? I don't. Are there not enough terrifying things in the world? Like how much adrenaline do you guys need? I think we are in a an addiction to shopping, which we kind of talked about. But also there's an adrenaline addiction we're going to have to do something about. Like, does anyone just buy a jet ski anymore? Yeah.

Do you I feel like you have your adrenaline addiction under control because you fly off buildings and you ride a motorcycle. I do it. Is this going to get worse?

Are you going to start? Am I going to? Yeah. No, but they're going to. They're going to keep going. They won't stop. They'll never stop. Our adrenals are so shot at this. This is what it's come to to feel alive. In my day, we would just go ride a rickety roller coaster at Six Flags over Texas and call it a day. What happened to dorks getting their kicks from chasing Pokemons off cliffs? Can we do that more? Dude, Zuckerberg already kills his own goats for dinner. Did that not catch on?

Like, seems like, I don't know, seems like that would have lasted a little longer for the dorks. You know what I mean? Like, killing a goat is not enough for you? Can someone, I don't know, can someone get me a dire wolf? Killing the goats isn't quite doing it for me anymore. I want to go watch the dire wolf kill my goat. I'll record it with my meta glasses while I pleasure myself. You guys have to be put in a prison. You're not suitable for, you can't be in the world. Like...

Do you think they need more high-octane things? Am I making this up? We already have monsters here that kill babies. What? People bring snakes into, like, Florida, and then the snake will eat their baby in the back. Oh, the snake got too big. It ate my baby. Go to Australia. There's scarier things in someone's trunk than, like, a dire wolf in Silicon Valley. Like, there's plenty of scary. I'm just telling you this right now. This is going to get worse.

And it's going to get worse because everyone, it's like the photo economy now. And everyone's going to want a photo with this dire wolf. And that dire wolf one day is going to go real Siegfried and Roy real fast. It's going to go real. What was the name of the SeaWorld orca? The girl thought she was best friends with this orca. And as soon as she didn't wear hair in a bun and put in a ponytail one day, the bitch was gone. I mean, it's called a killer whale. That's what they do. It's called a dire wolf. It's right there in the name. I think.

I think the person that you're really pissed about is the one who was trying to bring back the woolly mammoth because that was the one who walked so that dire wolf could run. This second dork now wants the dire wolf because the first dork wanted the woolly mammoth.

So he's like, I want to be cool, too. The fact that you like make me understand how men's minds work. I appreciate this so much. So there was some, you know, like I remember when I first came to L.A. Well, I might have been a little bit later. Both Baz Luhrmann and Oliver Stone were trying to make a movie about Alexander the Great.

And it's very hard to get movies made. But just because the other person was making it, they were like moving really fast on it. And I remember going like, oh, this is like. That's it. That's it. So you guys have to. It's dork football. So the guy that was working on The Wooly Mammoth, someone else was like, I got to just I got to just speed up this dire wolf thing. That's it. It's like, how do I get my name known like that, too?

dire wolf. Okay, so competition with other men. I'm worried that these tech dorks need more and more high-octane things to make them feel alive because they can't feel things because they're psychopaths. So it's like, I don't know. Honestly, can we just... I would love to come to Silicon Valley...

pitch some ideas to you guys of other things that you can maybe do to get some adrenaline going. Like just honestly drive on the freeway in Los Angeles. An influencer chock full of expired Adderall live streaming on YouTube will drive you clear off the road and into a fiery ditch full of ketamine baby oil that Diddy's team had to like get rid of like really fast. Like there's a feed that will show you dead bodies sliding down Everest. You can watch people climbing Everest and one will die and they'll just unhook them and let them go.

You could probably pay to watch it live, dude. Honestly, just drink tap water in America. That's a party. Will I have a hippocampus tomorrow? Jumping out of a plane? I mean, honestly, these days, just flying on a regular plane is kind of the same thing. Just take a Boeing. I don't know.

If you really want to roll the dice with your safety, how about just like go to a doctor in America? You know what I mean? I don't know. They'll probably give you a painkiller that you don't need that you get addicted to and you'll die driving yourself to your sister's gender reveal. And if you don't crash before you get to the gender reveal, the airplane dropping the blue glitter will crash into your sternum. Like there's other ways, you know? And if you're in Texas, honestly, just sit in a waiting room at a doctor's office. You could get measles. Like do that. I cannot wait.

to watch in slow motion on Twitter some dork's head being crushed by a woolly mammoth. I will... I mean, look...

I can't wait. Honestly, that's going to be my smut at this point. You know how many trainers are killed by elephants a year and no one knows about it? These are just elephants on drugs. Dude, rich people Darwinism is actually kind of my favorite thing. It's everybody's favorite thing. But as long as animals aren't being abused, that's when I get annoyed. Like the billionaire who had everything but had to see the Titanic. I just had to see it. Loser, dude. Money is not enough for these people. We don't need to bring back the...

They're going to kill you. And I honestly, I'm on the edge of my seat. I just the problem is when an animal defends itself, they get put down right away. Right. What happened to just dating hot yoga instructors? Alec, you know, Alec Baldwin, Alec Baldwin, Alec Baldwin.

Alec Baldwin did it right. He married a frisky yoga teacher and his life is just, you know, basically the same as someone having to fight for their life against a super wolf. He figured out how to get his adrenaline in check. You have to get it like the whack-a-mole of your adrenaline addiction, right? But no animals have to be brought to life for this, only to get drugged up and...

be sitting in a cage at a Dan Bilzerian party who I will say my greatest accomplishment is that I have been blocked by Dan Bilzerian by every one of his accounts. And I'm actually kind of due for like a three day episode of harassing him and making fun of him. Note to self, write that, write it down in your little, your little Vermont journal that we got to do. It's not Vermont flannel. You know, they say the first sign of a sociopath is when you kill an animal as a kid. I think the other sign is when you bring back dead animals as an adult.

only to torture them and make their life a nightmare. What are they? Okay, ask me about why it's not a good idea to bring back the woolly mammoth. Why is it not a great idea to bring back the woolly mammoth? We don't know what they eat. Do we? Do we? Pat, just drop something. People? Pat!

We don't know what they eat. I don't like when people who have the reputation of being bullied in the past are being bullies right in front of us. And we're not this. We were bullied in high school. Like, OK, so now you get to just bring back dead animals only to put them in a cage so you can take a photo with them for your hinge profile. Like, I don't.

Can men just go back to sitting in the front seat of their car with a seatbelt for their hinge photo? Hold up a fish. It was working. Like, these... You know what it is? Here's the other thing. These are people who have no real friends. That's it. Bringing back the dire wolf. Why? Because they go, okay, man's best friend is a dog. They heard dogs are a man's best friend. Okay, so if I have a wolf, will it get me a girlfriend? No. I don't... It's some kind of nerd math, okay? It's...

No one wants to date a guy with a dire wolf. It's already scary enough to go back to a guy's house when they don't have a wolf in the garage. To go back to a guy's house and have to deal with the fear of finding another woman's bobby pin on the side table or scrunchie under the pillow is already a nightmare. And I have to worry about what do you think they named it, babe? Are the names connected? Romulus and Remus and Khaleesi.

We really have children running the world. Children are at the helm. And honestly, I don't even think children would do this. Romulus and Remus were the founders of Rome. So you're going to insult these incredible wolves by naming them after the founders of a city that held gladiator shows that fought animals against each other till they went extinct. Does no one see the irony in this?

You brought back an extinct animal only to name them after the cities whose people watched animals go extinct for fun. I'm starting to think I need to go to space with Lauren Sanchez. I can't live here. I can't do this. I can't. The tech dorks, like, I just, what do they do? Can't they hunt people? That's fine. I feel like that's... I'm sure they do. Khaleesi's the name of the other one. Yeah. The girl who killed all of her people for no apparent reason...

Also, Blake Lively's alter ego. Does anyone have respect for truly anything? Are we done? Why am I trying? We put elephants in cages. We hold tigers in our lap knowing that the mom had to be killed to get the cubs for our TikTok stream. And now we're going to bring back extinct species so that Harry Potter dorks can what? Look cool at parties? I can't.

Do they need to do more drugs or less drugs? What's happening? I'll be fine. By the way, I'll be fine. Wolves and I get along great. Did they start this process? By the way, this is coming from someone who has a wolf. I sponsor a wolf at Wolf Connection. Yeah. I get along very well with wolves. I like a clear hierarchy. Virgos and wolves get along very well. If you get it, you get it.

Did they start this process when Game of Thrones was still on and popping or did they? No, this just happened. Yeah, but when did they start? I don't know. But if Game of Thrones is your favorite show, you're turned on by incest. And I'm never going to stop saying that. I do believe this like dog is a man's best friend. These are guys that don't have friends. So they needed to make their own friend. But they're rich and they're like French Bulldog. Not enough.

golden retriever. Nope. Nope. I'm going to make the coolest best friend there ever was. You know what I mean? Like, I'm going to do it. I need a best friend, but I'm also a sorcerer. There are three million dogs in shelters right now you could rescue, and I'm sure they would gladly bite your face off as well if that's just your thing. You don't have to bring back the super wolves. This isn't going to work. They're going to have to

Put them on drugs. Okay, this is going to go real orca and sea world real fast. The second someone gets the drug cocktail wrong, someone's face is going to be in really bad shape. This adorable little puppy that this guy's holding will be in some canned hunting facility. It's going to be how quickly can I get a purse made out of it? How quickly can I get a coat made out of it? Look at my dire wolf hat. Look at my dire wolf part. Like it's going to be so fast. Dire wolves within 10 years will be minks. We don't care about that. They're going to be squirrels.

Right. But I'm just telling you the amount of drugs. I happen to know the amount of drugs that will sedate an animal of this size. It is unthinkable. And the second you get that dose wrong, you got a problem on your hands. Yeah. What is the arrogance? It's like it's like these losers that had like teddy bears growing up. So then they see a real bear and they're like, let's get a selfie in their head gets bitten off. I mean,

Don't get me started on the video of the guy that's being eaten by the bear as he's taking a picture and he won't stop and everyone's filming him. It's just like, I think we're just gone as a society. And they're benefiting because we really need a distraction right now. Piss. They're like, let's go back to better, the glory days when terrible wolves were out on the, like, that's how. Not quite the dire wolves. By the way, move to Slartbard where polar bears live.

You want to get eaten? We got a place. Dude, Slardbard. More polar bears than people. Go there. Go there. Dude, what a death metal. These dire wolves will be an exhibit in Planet Hollywood in Vegas within two years. And you know what? Then it's my problem. Then I'm the one that's going to have to go.

I'm going to go to Lions, Tigers and Bears. I'm going to go. You're going to you're going to fall in love with the dire wolf. I'm going to have to be here. I'm going to have to try to get it to a GFAS accredited sanctuary. I'm going to be in a fight with a bunch of psychopaths on Instagram. And I'm going to have all these like weirdos that are fighting. And until then, it will be locked in your bedroom and you'll be sleeping in the guest room because you have a dire wolf in the bedroom. I guess my question is really, what's it going to take for these nerds to feel cool? What's it going to take?

Money is not working. Models didn't work. You're still mad at us for not sleeping with you in high school. Still mad? Well, we didn't sleep with you for a reason. I mean, we slept with everyone else but you. Maybe it was you. Maybe we weren't snobs. Maybe it was you. Maybe we knew that you had a God complex. We knew one day you'd force a surrogate dog to give birth to a dire wolf.

So you get what? What? To what? Become friends with Zuckerberg so he'd hit you up on WhatsApp and be like, hey, you rule. You have a dire wolf. Want to hang out? Want to come watch me awkwardly hover around MMA fighters next weekend in Tulsa? Cool. Is that what you want? What do you want? The tech dorks don't get to bring back extinct species unless I see video proof of you making a girl orgasm.

Then I'll entertain it. You don't get... You wouldn't click that link anyway. You'd be like, ew. Tech dorks, you're not going to bring back extinct species. You still can't make a printer that prints for more than a month. The dire wolf is going to go very Theranos, very fast. Only the dire wolf will have way more blood than Theranos did. I can't say I told you so. It's beneath me.

So I will make my vow right now that I will not say I told you so when Tana Mongeau is getting mauled by a dire wolf at Coachella during a live stream for a paid partnership with Farmer's Dog. I will say, hey, girl, I had my ear bitten off by a dog. I know the guy to sew it up and I will bite my tongue to help her with her bitten tongue. This is the segment where the people that love me most troll me hard to prepare me for the YouTube backlash.

The tariffs, they're going to tear you up. You're going to split the room on the tariffs for sure. But why? I was pro and anti, right? Yes, but they'll still find something wrong with it. Totally. But like, what's Pat? What are the things that I'm ignorant about?

I wouldn't say you're wrong about it. It's such a difficult topic that it takes about 20 years to really prove who was right and who was wrong. Oh, yeah, yeah. We don't... Major changes. Thanks for saying that, Pat. It's debatable. We don't know. No, nobody knows whether it's going to work or not. And he's already walked it back. Yeah. But by the way, we'll have a 90-day hold on the tariffs. Who's the guy from What's It Called? Three's Company. No. Oh, John Ritter. Yeah, John Ritter. No, no.

Shark Tank, the business guy, Meany. Oh, Kevin O'Leary. Kevin O'Leary. He was on, I don't know what show, one of those shows. Crush their heads against the wall. Did you see what he was saying? He's like, we should do a 400% tariff, da, da, da. My instinct just goes like, this must be bad. This must be bad. Crash is bad. But like China steals our technology, then sells it back to us.

It's all nuts. But I think, and I was just thinking... By the way, also, you know my biggest issue? I can't believe you haven't even brought this up or consoled me about it. I'm sorry I interrupted. What else is China responsible for? Well, I was just thinking as you were doing your hot take and I was trying to zip my lip...

I was thinking, is there a blend of the tariffs slash American made that we're going to land on where it's like we get parts that come from other places that they're cheaper, but then American factories put them together so the American people pay more, but not so much more. Like it's all made here.

Right. Or are they going to are they going to find a loophole where if they put an American company headquarters in China and then they can't do that? I don't know. Maybe I love you so much. I'm not following, but I just love it. OK, wrong takes. Let's see. I don't. By the way, here's the thing. I just realized when you're like and you were doing your hot take.

I think these are my opinions. We joke about people like, oh, that was a hot take. I'm like, I think this is just my take. We say hot take is a joke, but I'm like, I'm serious. No, total. Just take. No, the biggest thing. What keeps me up at night? Keeps you up at night? The moon. No, worse. The opposite of the moon. What's the opposite of the moon? The sun. Is that?

Yeah, that would be the opposite. What is my biggest fear in life besides blood banks? Embarrassment. That's true. Meteor. You are an encyclopedia of my neuroses. What is it? Chloride. Chloride. Chloride. There's that. Not so much anymore. I think even though nothing's been done, I think it's, you know, I think if we were all at full capacity, it would just be all the same problems just on speed.

You know what I mean? I don't think we would just be maybe more feral if we didn't have... Are we the only country that has fluoride in the water? Yeah. And we're able to do all this? Imagine if we didn't. We might just be... It might just be too much. What's your biggest fear? Yeah. Or biggest... What is the thing I'm the most angry at China about? You know this.

Oh, the amount of batteries that you need to have? I just love watching you guess because I must just be so annoying to have as a girl.

You have to have a screwdriver for everything. OK, OK. The mini screwdriver that goes with the mini battery to open it. I cannot. I can't believe you didn't say a new charger for every phone. OK, fine. The fact that the world is running out of sand. China has used all the sand. That's wild. Don't get me started on the sand miners. They go down, bring up the sand and are never seen again.

That's a whole other thing. Oh, really? Yep. Oh. Yep. Interesting. And I know this because the survivors told me. Oh, what people are also going to comment is they're going to say, have you seen the dire wolf skulls at the La Brea Tar Pits? And everybody's going to say, yes, we've seen it. If you don't think I spent my entire 20s going on awkward dates with guys,

that were sober and asked me to walk around the tar pits, you've got something else coming to you. And 40s because I want to go. Oh, God.

It is near an Erewhon. But yes, I did have to go watch an elephant statue die in a tar pit because that's what the La Brea tar pits are. It's an exhibit here. It is the exact same horror from Land Before Time where I had to watch the horse drown in the quicksand. Never ending story. But the good news is there's no sand left, so we don't have to worry about quicksand anymore. So thank you, China. Actually, I did a full circle. I appreciate you getting rid of all the sand because no horses will sink and I am...

It's late. What's your hot take on the Tar Pits, though? Do you know they just pop up randomly and they just have to put cones around them? You guys, this is his personality all the time. He's the sweetest. All...

as we go to bed he will just be like so what do you think about like do you think that like he's someone who'd be like so where do you think a giraffe would wear a tie like on the top of its neck or like the base and I'll be like that is funny that's like something you would ask it would probably be debonair to wear it at the top but that's funny getting winked at by a guy in a black denim vest what more could you want

Don't ride elephants, everyone. I have to change our outro. Not to don't ride elephants. Don't bring back woolly mammoths. And? Is that our new sign-off? Don't ride elephants or bring back woolly mammoth or? Go to therapy. Please. Thanks. I'm big enough like you're here for fights. Are we insane? You slept with your ex. Please get the other one. Whitney, I'm coming.

I love it here. Is that weird?