WICKED TAKES - | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 266
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Are we rolling? Is this? I mean, I don't know, Pat. Are we rolling? Last time we tried to record for last week's, it wasn't rolling and I recorded a whole episode and Pat wasn't rolling on it. So we couldn't. That's the tension I sense. I mean, I put together a whole episode and the film wasn't in the camera.

You want me to take the heat for that? What did you say that Pat was like, we can't let this one air? We can't let them hear this one. So Shirley Temple, you know, she was hot. And I'm actually I would like to hear the producer's side of the story. And I've met a couple and I'm on their side. And, you know, it's a different time. And honestly, she was very mature for her age.

Those diapers were very hyped up. Oh, my God. She was asking for it. I know I this is the first time I've ever not let a let a podcast go out, done a podcast for a week or like I just I was shocked when I saw you post that. What what happened?

what happened what you just like how well I was I was just like I thought that the rules dictated that like somebody would just come to your house and force you to sit down and talk that's the other thing you realize you guys podcasts are every week no they they sell ads out a year out it's a relentless you literally have to you cannot take a week off and by the time it comes out and you're all set it's like we gotta record tomorrow so and you're just like

It's like Groundhog Day. You're just like, oh my, we just did one. I can't, what else am I gonna say? And this was the first week I was just like,

Like I physically cannot do this. I don't have any help with my child. I have a baby in my hand and babies aren't allowed on YouTube. Right. I don't know because of the trafficking. I don't know. And I was like, what would happen if I just were like, let's do it next week. I feel like Theo will be like no pod this week. I'm like, oh, my favorite thing is all of the products that we were shilling during the pandemic that are now just gone. No, now they're selling on TikTok.

They have put all of their money. This is my job now. Do you remember Beam? Beam Dream? Deodorant? Oh, wait. Wait, hold on. The charcoal deodorant? No, no, no. The floss made out of urine? All these products were so weird. Hold on, hold on. The tooth whitener made out of women's period blood? Oh my god. Cereal made of asbestos? Yeah, 10% of the proceeds go to a fake charity. What was it? So you had a product that...

advertised on your podcast. Gloomy. Beam. Beam. It was like sleep cocoa. No. Oh, it was like a drink that helps you fall asleep. Yes. I snorted it. It didn't work. Yeah, no. Um,

It was like a powder. There were a lot of powders. Yeah. We're pushing a lot of powders. We should have been flagged by the FBI for the amount of just like powders that were showing up to your house. Like they should have been like, somebody needs to go and look through those packages. The number of powder is athletic greens. Oh, this powder. It literally just only powders. I'm telling you, only eat powders.

I don't even know. I'm like, does any of this everything that it comes with a blender? Yeah, it's just it's too much. Oh, my God. So, well, TikTok, look. Yeah, say it. I know it's where you are off and on now. I think it's a wrap. No, I hate it. I'm not saying no. I just mean, I think we hit.

We jumped the shark on TikTok. Even Bethany Frankel was like, I'm not getting in the algorithm anymore. And she's like deep-throating bagels at two in the morning and like screaming at women in the Chanel store. She's being suppressed. I'm telling you. Oh, you think? Do you think it's because a lot of people are being suppressed either if they have their monetization on

I don't even know if it's like suppression so much as it's just not being pushed. Like it's it's not I don't think it's so much like we're not going to show people that as much as it's like we're going to show people these two specific things. Yeah, that's all because like if you if you weren't abused by Zach Bryan, you are not getting in the out. No, literally. Exactly. Literally. Is he single? I will swipe right on him right now. Brianna is my friend, but I need to get in the algorithm. Sweet pea.

It's like, well, ever since I had RFK on, I just like, just over. But TikTok now is just like one...

I mean, this dress, you can wear seven ways. You can wear it to a wedding. You can't wear it to anything. Do not wear that dress anywhere. That is the sluttiest dress I have ever seen. It's got like a mesh cut out down to your vagina up and it's like it slims your waist and you can wear it to a christening. And also you can buy it on Amazon. It's just like there are so many other places to buy your dress. These protein muffins. Are you getting the protein cakes? Protein muffins? No. They are so moist in these protein muffins. I'm like, what? Ew. A protein cake? Like, we're in a different algorithm then.

Mine is like protein muffins, crystals in like a giant, like a lazy Susan of sand. And these crystals just come up.

I don't know what anyone's selling. There are these women that are just like... First of all, that's targeted to you. There are these women that are just like, Lindsay, yep, you get three stars and you're now going to get this extra special. I'm like, what's the product? Oh my God. And you just won the, you know, diamond medallion. And I'm like, but what's the product? Is it lip gloss? Is it necklaces? Is it IUD? Like, what is it? And then there's just like Christmas trees around. I mean, one of my...

Are we gone? That's so funny because all the products that get pushed to me are like, here's a book to read when you don't know what the answer is. I haven't seen a book on an ad in 45 years. Last time I saw a book ad, I did it for mine. I don't know. It's like this journal will help you figure out what's going on.

That is so fucking rude. Every single time I open it, it's like, hey, you seem a little unsure. What are you watching on TikTok? Like, what? How do you get? I don't know. This always blows my mind when we're getting completely different news and we're in alternative realities because like I will go to lunch with somebody. I mean, we know that's not true. I will see someone at the comedy store. Sorry. You know what I mean?

I'll be texting Ms. Ullman. Okay, let's just. And they'll be like, oh my God, did you see like Putin is like doing nuclear tests? I'm like, did that's your brain? My breaking. Did you see that a coyote is hunting with a skunk? Yeah. And can't and they're joining forces. Like, like that's the only news I saw today. Dude. Do you know that plants talk to each other? I did. I've seen that. I've seen that. Can't take it on. I was like, don't I now go. Don't show me that.

Oh, that's smart. Not interested. I do. Occasionally, I'll get like video game content come up and I'll just be like, no, I don't. Every time after you come over, I get TikTok. Do you want the Taylor Swift blanket? I don't even get that. It's like a fleece Taylor Swift blanket that was made by some like Chinese children. Oh, my God. Yeah. I don't know, dude. It's the ML, whatever pyramid scheme that is TikTok right now. It's just QVC. But I just, I don't like it when a thing.

thing has their own like language already and everyone's so familiar with it. It's like, and you just sent me two diamonds and you just sent me a book. Like as they're talking in real time and you can't see the comments. Yeah. Ice cream. Yum. What's that? Wait, have you seen? I hate this. I hate this. Oh, you're, you're going to lose your fucking mind. What is that? We're just South Korea now. No, I've seen it. You know what? Yeah. So it's like, you can go on TikTok live, which is just, you know, whatever. And people can send you gifts with

which are like little they're like little emojis, but they cost money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. These random like women, their whole gig is like they pretend to be like a like a video game character, essentially like on TikTok live and people will send them stuff and they just sit there like bouncing and they'll be like ice cream. Yeah, thank you. Rose. Haha. Ice cream. Yeah. Like that. They just do that literally all day long. Can you explain it from a psychological perspective? What what we're doing?

Like, are people giving... This is what I'm obsessed with. I'm obsessed with everyone... Like, the person doing that thinks they're getting money because they're doing that. The one recording themselves? And the person giving money is like, oh, this poor thing. Let me just give it. Do you know what I mean? You know, and like...

Like, you think you're getting money for that? And everyone's like, oh, God, just give her five bucks. This is sad. It's the real life or it's the online equivalent of like when somebody is busking, like with a guitar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, oh, buddy. And they're like, I just got, yeah, that rendition of New York State of Mind. They loved it. And I'm like, no, I feel sorry. There's barely room for one Jason Mraz in the industry. It's like when you see like, you know, someone's like, dude, I got like 10 million views on this video. And they're like, they were all hate watches, just so you know.

comics we send it around and we're like look how embarrassing this is like it's not people you look at the comment they're like i got 30 000 comments on this video and all of them are like kill yourself yeah totally so it's like when i just feel like we're all in this like myopic like snow globes we have no idea what validation like we're just don't even know what we're getting but it's like we just turn it into what we want it to be engagements engagement baby baby a dollar is a dollar

Football's on all the fucking time. Is there more football? Yes. Than ever? We are generating more football. There are more teams. It feels like there's more football. You're not going to convince me that the Tennessee Titans have always been around. That's a new thing. You guys need to sneak that in under the wire. Yeah, I don't... These...

The Pensacola Penguins. I don't remember. Are these new teams? Are these additional? Are these spinoffs? And then college, they're like, well, yeah, now you didn't know that every single year Tennessee plays Western Guatemala State. I don't remember. That's a series. That's not a thing. I don't remember the Waco Wagoneers. And you're not going to convince me otherwise. Like there's here's why I'm obsessed with this. A couple of things.

Because the way the TV business is changing and the entertainment is changing. I love that. Like I was on a pitch today talking about like with a bunch of TV people and they're just like, we just don't understand why everyone's going to YouTube and podcasts. I'm like, you guys, you have shit the bed so hard. TV is so bad. People started watching the WNBA. This is like men. Men would rather watch women play basketball than watch shows where you're trying to convince someone how to vote.

and, like, make your kid trans or whatever this show's about. You know, like, it's... So I think also in election year, people... It was so... Anything else. Anything else. And there's also something about watching football being like, this is at least fair. Yeah. Yeah. Someone's at least going to survive this. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, hopefully. And then, you know, and yeah, and I don't know. If you're... Democrats are even watching it because when you're watching a football game, you know those people are pro-abortion because they... The point is...

I'm just saying football. I love watching football. I love watching football, too. But I also think that there is something really sorry, you know, that I made fun of men most of my career. I have to make fun of everybody. It is wild when a woman has the audacity to be like, we're just like objectified. I'm like, have you ever watched football and worried about one of them? Yeah.

Yeah, actually. College football. They're not getting paid in college football. That's true. Have you ever been worried about any of their ankles once? Oof. Never. It's also like, yeah, it's one thing for a woman to be like scantily clad in like an Acqua Di Gio commercial or whatever. But it's another thing to like watch a man literally break his femur in half. Like literally have his heart stopped on the football field. No one cares. That's crazy. Also, if I may...

I'm really into watching football. You guys know this about me. I just I think we have to do something about the NFL football players acting in commercials because it's asking a lot. So I feel like I have a hair in my it's I just what if an NFL player sees this? I just it's asking a lot of like and then so if that's the take you use, that means it was the best take.

Right. So this is the best one. Right. You guys shot 12 hours. But he's just saying like, thanks, Quiznos for coming through. It's like you couldn't. I don't know what happened. Danny DeVito's behind him like handing him stuff. He's got a guy that just follows him around with ice, but you can't get him like an acting coach. Right. It's just so cringe.

And it's so uncomfortable. It's also so funny because they're so tall that it's clear that the set designers didn't even put things high. It's so poorly shot because the athlete gets there and everyone's like, oh yeah, we don't have a tripod that high. We don't have boxes for everyone. Yeah, totally. Everyone's on it. There's no one's tall. It always just looks terrible. Would you not buy a Honda Civic if...

you know this guy one football player name him art monk name him name him name you shouldn't have showed me that clip well if you would let me finish if you're letting that like i mean i just i don't know well it's like why am i why are you trying to sell me car insurance from guys that just like professionally crash into each other

That doesn't make any sense. Although if you think it's bad here, if you live in like a big football market in Kansas City, those two bitches, Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelsey are on every single commercial, including like local businesses. But also like the

The Travis Kelsey Pharma one. The Pfizer one? The Pfizer one. It also felt like he was like, you know, I'm doing this for the money, right? Yeah, he's literally winking at the camera. Pfizer was like, it's fine. Even if he's making fun of us, that's better than not having it. It just feels like such a weird, I don't know. It just makes me so uncomfortable. And I don't, that's my problem with watching football.

Because some of them I don't even know. I'm like, I don't even know this guy. Right. Is this this is like number three. Travis passed. Yeah. And they got this guy. You know what I mean? But he's so happy to be there. Or it's so or sometimes it's a retired player. You know what? That should be the role. Retired players only. Yeah. Like have CTE and need the money.

Oh, buddy. You know what I mean? Yeah, they let the ones who are well enough like commentate on football and then the other ones they have to work for. I don't feel bad watching football until I watch them act in commercials because it is clear they have brain damage. That's when you're like, oh no. Yeah. This is wrong. Well, they definitely can't read. They're being like fed their lines in an earpiece. Just need you to say Orbit White. Like that's all we need. Orbit White.

It's all we need. Hold on. Can we stop? We've been here 12 hours. We don't know. That's all we need. Yeah. We're about to break union rules. Just yet. Head down to Lowman's. Just that's all I need from you. And they can't do it. Like, that's when I start getting worried.

For some reason, basketball players are really good, though. I was just about to say. Basketball players are great. Pretty much any other sport. It's weird. I can get behind it. It's Blake Griffin hilarious. Yeah. That's when you're like, see, to Israel. There's a great, by the way, to be a dork real quick, Malcolm Gladwell did a great speech at Penn back in the day about...

this about like college football should go away because they're getting concussions and stuff. Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, it just like cooks your brain. I mean, kids are playing tackle football in fifth grade. Right, right, right. It's insane. For what reason? Yeah. To get the chicks. Yeah, I guess so. Sorry, I like the boys who could read.

Sorry, I liked the boys who did musical theater. Sorry. Sorry, football player. Great segue to our next topic. Everyone being gay and loving Wicked. Now, don't. I've not seen Wicked. I've seen it twice. I'll see it again. So great. That is so great. I'll see it again. Hold your drink higher. Hold your drink higher. I'll see it again. Sorry, this is, I'm a football player. Sorry, Christmas.

I'm getting paid a lot of money. Look right down the barrel of the camera. Did you see this? What? No. Well, let me just my thing. I need you to explain. I'm

I'm worried about every like whatever is happening in this press junket is something is wrong. Yeah. Like whatever trauma bond or Stockholm syndrome. Why are they touching each other constantly? What happened on the set of this movie? I don't know what. And I love that everyone's worried about Ariana's weight. I'm like, this is what every actress looks like. Yeah. Like, what do you mean?

Well, it's also just like this is what happens. Like, tell me you've never been in a musical without telling me you've never been in a musical. Because there's so much emotion. It's just like what happens. Everybody's just like, I love you. Why? I just love you. I don't know. Theater kid. Theater kid. Because it's so vulnerable. I don't fucking know. Then stop. Quit it.

Can you cut it out? I mean, cast parties are usually pretty fun. I mean, just cut it out, maybe. Yeah, I don't know. You know? I don't know. It probably takes them back to being in like, yeah, like ninth grade, first like high school musical cast party. And you're like, I'm going to get fingered for the first time. This rocks. I don't mean... By a guy who's gay. I don't... Not a universal experience? I don't mean it's always farther back than you think. I think that...

Maybe this is tinfoil. After the Blake Lively movie and all those like truncates, junkets, what? Being like torn apart, what? I just, I know what you're going to say. What? I feel like people are on to like make the junkets weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were, well, that and also they were just like, be nice. Whatever you guys do. Be nice. But also like junkets now being like,

kind of like making us like being a conversation piece instead of just trailers. I'm not saying trailers. I'm just seeing really weird shit. It is weird that there's so much. I mean, I guess that's just social media, but there's just so much press.

Like, obviously, everybody always did so much press, but I feel like we see more of it now. We used to just be on, like, Access Hollywood or whatever. Yeah, but they won't stop touching it. Like, there's something bizarre about it. Yeah. Or maybe that's just what gratitude looks like from famous people. And I'm not used to seeing... They're just genuinely having the time of their life. It also might just be that. I think it might be that. I think we're so used to being like, yeah, I mean, I don't know.

Yeah. So tell me about why do I have to see Wicked? Is it going to change me? It changed me. How? I don't know. I've been waiting for this movie to happen since I was a child. Really? What's so good about it? Give me like Wicked movie review. If I could take the whole thing, download it to my iPhone, turn up the saturation like 10 points, it would be a perfect movie. The only thing that's wrong with it is the color grading and a couple of the lines that they cut.

I have... Oh, no. We've got a... This is my most specific... This is like the reason why my voice is like this is because I blew out my vocal cords trying to sing Wicked. What's it about? A witch. It's about the... It's like the... It's like before Dorothy came to Oz. Copy. Copy, copy, copy. I was good. I wasn't like, what happened before she got there? I mean, I just...

I just, I didn't watch that movie and go like, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, guys. But what was the backstory? Okay, here's the thing about Wizard of Oz. I'm obsessed with the lore of the Wizard of Oz movie of the making of it. I want that movie. Dude, like 12 people died. Dude, dude, the-

one with the green face. Yeah, the one with the green face, though. It was like arsenic or something. Yeah, the Tin Man got like aluminum poisoning because they were literally painting aluminum onto his skin. They're probably all drug addicts, too. But it's like, yeah, it's mostly true. MGM was feeding them drugs. Mostly true. Right, right, right, right. Yeah, I love Judy Garland's allowed diet every day was like three bowls of soup with just broth and like 50 cigarettes. That was literally that's what MGM said. That's all you're allowed to eat.

That is so wild. And also she got like hit in the face, like the director just hit her in the face because she like couldn't stop laughing. She was like having a laughing fit, which now is probably just like a starvation. Right. Wicked. Fine. I'll go see it. What is it? Three and a half hours. It's two hours and 40 minutes. Yeah. Buckle up. You can pee when they when they during the song Something Bad. That's when you should go. Everybody hates that fucking song.

name them something bad name dr dillamond name them alphabet also it's the the you're gonna hate this part i think yeah i love that you think i'm gonna go and i know you're not gonna i want to go animals have jobs like they're like there's like a goat who's a professor like a bear who teaches gender studies no he teaches history which is kind of the same thing whoa

Whoa. So fiction. Okay. Animals have jobs, but it's not real animals. They didn't know that's like CGI. It's it's Peter Dinklage doing a British accent for no reason. It doesn't take place in Britain. No, he's not.

Oh, you're right. He's not. He's not. He's just I was I drink because he's like coming out as British. The goat. Yeah. So somebody does transition. He's voicing the goat. And I was just like, who's fucking voice is that? I know his voice is that. And then I was like, it's Peter Dinklage, but he's still doing Game of Thrones. I think they were just like, hey, we need you to do ADR for the last like there's a glitch on HBO. Like, just can you just do it? Sure.

I don't like when I hear a voice and I know who it is because then I'm distracted. Yeah. I'm like, what is that? It is distracting. I just like that. They should have gone with nobody. Yeah. Yeah. Put me in. I would like to do a section that's just Whitney reviewing movies she has not seen. Like I have such strong takes. Like I will defend the Joker all day long. I have not seen it. And I am sick of people attacking. I haven't seen it. I think I know. I know he knew what he was doing.

Who? I know. Which one? Name him. Who? Todd Phillips. Oh, for sure. I know he knows what he's... If Todd Phillips makes a bad movie, it's on purpose. Yeah. Don't you think? Yeah. I think when Tarantino said he was like, oh, he's the Joker. He's like trolling Marvel or something like that. I could see that. I mean, it's kind of like the ultimate like prank. I haven't seen it, but I believe it. I want to see it. Did you see Megalopolis? No. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Remember when you tested for that movie? I auditioned for that movie. You came back looking insane. And that was the moment when I said, I'm not seeing that. It was a this is such a like core drama. It was like Francis Ford Coppola calling me like we want Whitney to audition for whatever this movie Megalopolis. Is it out? Yeah, it came out earlier this year to not.

It didn't go well. I guess I won that round. No, you really did. Actually, I will tell the story. I don't even care. Francis Ford Coppola, obviously, I mean, everyone's like Francis Ford. He's a fan of mine. I've named two movies. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And I was like, okay, this is like acting. Let's go. All right, let's go. And it was only, you know, it was like a couple pages. I memorized. I'm working on it for like days, obviously, because it's Francis Ford Coppola. Yeah.

I go in, I'm in hair and makeup for three and a half hours. And they do makeup artists I love and know actually. It was like jerry curls on... On your forehead. On my forehead that were glued down. Yeah. Okay. Glued down like...

What do you even call that? Like a little curly. With like, and then they put a crown on me that was like, does it take place in ancient Rome or something? Kind of. And then there was like a gold crown on me, instant migraine. It's just like right into my head. And then all this makeup, whatever. And then we go in and there's a film.

A film camera. Okay. Because it's, he's shooting it on film. Fine. So you go in and there's just like a, like, what's that? It was just like a giant, there's like a guy under a- Pranking it. Literally under like a black sheet of smoke when it starts. I'm like, okay, we're shooting on film. Everyone is so quiet. There's no vibe of like, we're at an audition. Hey, what's up? Hi, how are you? Nice to meet you. It's just like so awkward. And I go in, what am I wearing? I don't remember. I don't remember.

And I go out and he goes, I'm like, OK, so, you know, where do you want to start first? And he's like, oh, no, no, we're not going to do the scene. I was like, OK, OK. It's three days of my life. And he's like, I believe it was. Tell us a joke. It was not it was he would just throw things at me like in an English accent. Say goodbye to your son going to war. Go. I'm not kidding.

That is some. I'm not kidding. Like cheapest acting class in Burbank shit. Dude. And then it was like, and now your husband is leaving you for your sister. Australian accent go. And I was like, is I literally because I did the show punk. I literally was like, I was like, if I'm being punk, this is this is actually. Have I never heard this? Because I disassociated the entire thing. It was like I quit. I was like, I'm moving to Austin. OK, I like I was done. Like I started like glazing over.

And then he was like, that was great. I don't know how. I don't know where I went. I just like completely disassociated. You're like, hello, governor. I'm like, have fun at war, my love. Like, I was just like, what the fuck? Your son is going to, I don't have a son at this point. Like, I don't. And so I was like, this is just, I just like my soul like boycotted it. I was like, I was like, this isn't,

Do you know what I mean? You can say there's going to be some improv. There's going to be some acts that were like, just don't don't make me run the scene. Totally. So then he's like, let's improvise around the scene. But I'm improvising with him and he's not an improviser. He's Francis Ford Coppola. He can make an amazing movie. I'm sure he's improvised on set a lot. He's not past 401 at UCB. I'll tell you that much. He's not. Yes. And yes. And yes.

like look this guy's got oscars not for and i know i make a lot of fun but uh she's got charm smokes so i'm like improvising my head off to just like nothing and i was like well no you have to say so i'm like is there a cast can i do this with anyone why am i acting with him he's like it's gonna be me and you and we're gonna improvise the scene and i'm like but you don't know but it's like just like the worst crowd work you've ever done anyone ever yeah told you the truth

Since the apocalypse now. Right. Anyone told you the truth? No. And then, no, no, it gets better. Oh my God. I mean, the holidays, they're a time for what? Fighting, questioning whether or not you're adopted, praying that you're adopted. Yes, yes, maybe. But it's also, the holidays are mostly for creating memories, whether it's sharing a meal, decorating your home, taking a genetic test.

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That's laughing. I just, they do. Okay. See every, every present I've gotten as a mom is a chore. It requires a battery. It requires like, I have to give, you know, my phone number to another country so they can spam me forever. Like you don't know my size. No one knows anyone's size. Get out of there. Okay. What, what are you going to get anyone? We have, we have host mates. We have Amazon prime. I,

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one minute. Even idiots can do it. I even did it. Okay. You can preload it with your favorite photos before you give it to someone. Like you can put all the, I mean, I'm giving everyone this for the holidays and with the pictures of me and my baby to everyone. You don't have, you don't have to put their photos in it. Like, you know what I mean? You put whatever you want in it. You can put screen grabs of quotes if you want to change them. You know, you can like send hints by screen grabbing like book titles or

And being like, here, I got this for you. And they're like, what are all these book titles that are like how to get sober? Like, oh, I don't know. It just came with the frame. You can send passive aggressive messages. Okay. You can do whatever you've got to do. All right. It's a frame full of preloaded pictures or you get to send pictures to an email, update it. It's just genius. Skylight frame. It comes with a sleek design, fits any home. It adds function, style, thoughtful holiday gift. I highly recommend it.

Other gifts are dumb. Let's just say it. As a special offer, you're going to get $20 off your purchase at skylightframe.com slash Whitney. That's skylightframe, S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T, frame.com. Look how cute that is. It just keeps alternating photos. Is that not the cutest thing ever? I just can't get enough. You got to do it. Slash Whitney. Skylightframe.com slash Whitney. Oh, and look it. You can keep the photos moving faster if you want to swipe.

This thing's genius. I'm kidding. So I'm like kind of on the verge of tears because I'm so embarrassed. Like these are casting directors. Use that. What? Use that. I go out. He gives me a signed copy of his new book. You do?

This I do know. Because you came... You literally came home. I remember you walked in. You, like, had this look on your face and all these fucking curls in your hair. And I just gave you a hug, which was weird for us. Really weird. That was the worst part of the day. Are you okay? That's how bad it was. And you were just like, I don't... And you, like, tossed this book on the table. You were like, I don't know what to do. He signed it in front of me, like, as if I had shown up to an autograph signing. Right. As if I wanted... Like, which... Thank you. Yeah. But, like...

Just don't give me the book and let's do this for... Give me a shot. That was a warm-up, right? Yeah. And then gave me a bottle of Francis Ford Coppola wine. Like, you'll need this. First of all, they cost like $15. I know. I was like, I got. This is not... It was just so...

Humiliating. Like, that's the only... And so confounding. In that moment, I was just like, I thought I understood how this business worked in, like, some capacity. That's crazy. It was wild. I would do anything to get a copy of that just to get my reaction. He's like, and your son is going to war. English accent. I was like, I...

It might have been before I stopped getting Botox. So maybe I just was like just one crocodile tear. But I just remember being like, I looked up. I remember being like, Ashton Kutcher, there's no way he's doing, you know, he's writing the apology letter for being a bastard. He's not available. But I was just like, I, this is the first time I truly thought, oh, I'm being punked. And this is like, perfect. If someone could get me to do an English accent in front of Francis Ford Coppola, that is hilarious. That is so funny. That is so funny to me. That's crazy. It was embarrassing.

They should do that for like they should do another jury duty, but with famous people like auditioning for like Quentin Tarantino or something. And you know, the other thing I want to do, I've always wanted to do like, you know, in movies like they'll do stand ins and the stand ins will run the scene and run the dialogue. I want to shoot the stand ins doing it and just make a movie of just the stand ins.

That's so good. I would watch that. I would watch that too. Okay, so did not do the podcast last week. It just wasn't happening. It wasn't happening. My brain was, my brain broke. You had to give thanks. I did spend a lot of time. No, I was honoring the indigenous people. I did not celebrate that massacre, but.

toxic that you did. I did go to the park a lot. I took my son to a playground. It was weird. I was so weird. What is she doing? My son at the park is such a hillbilly, dude. All the kids are in like matching things. He's in barefoot in a diaper. Literally the fact that no one called child services on me is like wild. But my child is the only one that's not sick. All the other ones are just oozing at all times. Like why is your child wet from its head? Like they're all just like get this.

Get this kid out of here. They're all just like covered in slime. Like their face, their noses. I'm like, my son is the only one not wearing shoes or a shirt, but he's the only one that's not sick. So whatever. I'm a scientist. So Grace and I were texting about what our topics were. Hers was kids at a dog park. No. Well, yeah. People who bring their kids to the dog park.

Wild. Like a 10-year-old. Oh. Like old and like too old to be carried. Like if it's a baby that's different and you've got like the baby hooked into like the Bjorn, like they're not walking around. But like a 10-year-old who's going to be like, look at this cool toy. I'm going to pick it up and then run around and like maybe throw it. It's like dogs don't, dogs can't differentiate you and like

another dog. Like they're going to try and roughhouse with you. I love when something is because I do this a lot, how something is like a topic, but then it just translates to you're mad at someone who's poor. Like get a nanny for your 10 year old. Take your dog to daycare. Get your dog a dog. Oh my God. The only solution is don't be poor. Yeah. But like, what do you do? That's a silver like dog park. I just feel like

We've lost whatever stuff that we're watching on Instagram. We're watching dogs and babies snuggle. We're watching people hold tigers. We've lost the concept that anything is dangerous. Oh, that's a good point. You know what I mean? I think that's what I would do the dog park when I the number of because I was on the kid's side. Mine separated. Yeah, because I have never gone to the dog park with a kid. And now that I have a kid, I can't be on the dog side. No. And all I now that I'm not at the dog park, it is a mess.

People dogs are fighting when I was there. It was everything was handled. If there was a problem, I handled it because if someone's dog is acting up, I'm like, you know, I will kick people out of the dog park. Yeah, I tell people I'm like, I will take your dog and train your give me your dog for 30 days. You're going to get like you're not in control of your dog. Someone's going to get hurt. Yeah. And so look, you know, I'm the mom of the mutts, the princess of the pups, the champion of the canines. That should work. But C's are stupid. I have notes for you guys and your dogs at the dog park. OK, so.

Why does everyone, everyone thinks their dog's a golden retriever. Like every, you can't, the denial about your dogs. You can't get a certain dog breed and think they're going to behave how you want them to behave. I watched a dog fight the other day with a Sharpay. Someone took a Sharpay. Those are notoriously sharp.

mean to other dogs. Dude, and it's not, they don't, they're just trying to protect, they don't know they're being mean. It's your job to know. Are you loco, dude? That's like taking Azalea Banks to a ditty party. That is a deep cut. That is like taking Will Smith to the Oscars. Like, start pace. They don't mess with other dogs. Don't play well. Do you remember Violet? Yes, I remember Violet. I had Violet for a couple of years and then you met her, I think when we were tail end. Yeah. Yeah. Like in the pandemic.

Sharpies pick one person for their whole life. There's nothing else that matters to them. You realize that everything else is just in their way. The wrinkles on their face are for blood to drain off it.

That's so hardcore. Mine too. Do you know what I'm saying? You have no wrinkles. It's very frustrating. Someday. They belong like on a throne in China in like a velvet teepee. They're not for dog parks. They're for cat people who are allergic to cats. Like that's who a Sharpay is. They're for people who want a tiger, but it's illegal. Like I... Good tip actually. Dude, I loved having a Sharpay. I loved Violet, but she could not fathom that anything else that moved around me should not

like, be murdered immediately. I mean, it's just like... Well, my dog is not a Sharpay. She's a... I don't know what the hell she is, but she's, like, she's protective of me because she's a good dog. Like, you know, but she's... Oh, did you... Nope. Damn it. Wow. The shirt I was going to try and steal from you is now soiled. Grace came in and went, ooh, that shirt's fun. Oh, also, by the way, I walked in, Pat went, nice shirt. Pat is so random with his... When Pat gives me a compliment, I'm always like...

Huh? It's always like... This was not a compliment. Cool haircut! Like, it's... Cool haircut. Oh, my God. Dude, Pat...

Here's what I'm realizing. Pat is always trolling. And you really did I tell you what he said on a phone call recently? Oh, God. Chris and I are fucking dying. He was on a phone call. It was like a work call with like managers, like agents and like social media team and stuff like that. And like there have been like some people that shot footage on tour, whatever. And it's like different people in each city and like.

someone sent footage from like the New York show or something. And Pat was like, hey, so just like general note, like when, you know, you get a film or in another city, if they could just like move the camera like within like, I don't know, like two miles of Whitney, that'd be great. No, but like dead serious. And he was like, yeah, otherwise it just looks like it was shot on a potato 20 years ago. Sorry. I stand by my opinion on that.

There was so much like buried. Like, I have to clean up this mess. Can you guys just get your shit? Like, I shouldn't have to say this. That's so funny. I'll just do it myself next time. But like super helpful. Yeah. Like, so here's the thing. So if you could just do within two miles of Whitney, that'd be cool. Like inside the venue would be great. Ideally, she's like in the shot. That'd be cool. Like, just like that.

That's so funny. Shot on a potato. Chris and I have been laughing about shot on a potato. Shot on a potato 20 years ago.

20 years ago was incredible. I was just saying how Pat, like, he'll give you a compliment or try to be helpful and you don't realize he'll halfway through he's making fun of you. I would never figure it out. Cool shirt, Grace. Nice shirt. That's it. Nice shirt. Nice shirt. I was like, hang on. Wait a second. I don't know, dude. I'm just saying, like, I know people are going to come for me. What's new? Like,

Do you realize Sharpies, their eyes are so deep in their head that you can't even see their eyes. They can't see you. They don't... They're just moving on instinct like a shark. They only see their... Dude, when I would take Violet to the vet,

they would come out in metal gloves. They come out in gloves with chains. Like when you go... Like at night. Like when you go swim with sharks, they put like chains all over your wetsuit. Like, dude, get them out of the quinceanera at the local dog park. Shar-Pays are so smart, dude. I tried to rehome her. I don't think you knew me then. I tried to rehome her and...

Put her in a house. I go out of a door. She jumped over a five foot gate, opened two doors, gnawed out of a wooden fence. Half of her face like came off because she was once they decide something, they're not stopping what they're doing. Get them out of Build-A-Bear. You guys were not doing it. Also, let me start by saying it is always the owner's fault. I'm not coming for your dog. I'm coming for you. Yeah. OK. A dog is either untrained or just like the owner should know better. Train your dog. My favorite is he's never been in me.

Yeah, no one, no dog's ever bitten anyone until they bite. Yeah, he's seven months old. He's due. It's time. Dog parks are so stressful and so overstimulating. And dogs, like, make mistakes. And sometimes their owners are genetic mistakes. And so many people do not know what their dog is bred to do. So the dog's either stressed, has too much energy. Then I end up having to put my finger in a dog's butthole. And I just got my Lisa Frank nails. I'm seeing a lot of herding dogs. Is your dog a herding dog? No, I don't think she's a mountain dog mix. Okay. She's a lazy dog.

Lazy bitch. That's good. That's what you want. Australian shepherds. What are you? They have to. They herd. OK, that's the only way they know how to experience. They will herd anything. They will herd like small children if they're around. They herd cattle. H-E-R-D. H-E-R-D. Yeah, totally. They herd cattle. I don't see any cattle at this mall and I don't see a leash on your cattle herding dog. Do I? I have to leave.

of them all? Because you can't Google. Also, everyone in LA now has a husky all of a sudden. Yeah. Well, if you go to a... When I was looking for a dog last January, I went to a bunch of different shelters and they're overrun. There were way more huskies than there were pitties. Yeah, because people get a husky and then they realize they have a bear in their house. Yeah. Okay. A bear who also screams. No. Constantly. Huskies...

A husky in Los Angeles, they're bred to pull sleds over long distances in sub-zero regions. Yeah. Okay? Following Andrew Huberman's protocol and doing a cold plunge two minutes a day doesn't count towards your husky. This dog's supposed to pull a sled through the snow and not be a service dog on your Southwest flight because you have fake anxiety. Oh, my God. And you don't understand why it's jumping all over people at the Cinnabon. Like, there is...

I got really into this. A Siberian husky in 1925 made headlines when huskies rushed a life-saving serum to Nome, Alaska to combat the diphtheria pandemic. This is what they're supposed to do. It ran 658 miles in five and a half days. I read that on AmericanKennelClub.com, my only source of news these days. It's gotta be real. Like, they're bred for like that. Dude, if I see one... We gotta get one of those to Wuhan. If I... Just in case. If I see one more Akita...

At a dog park, I will lose the only marble I have left. I have one marble. It's hanging on my head. I have one marble now. I already, it's hard. Like they're Japanese. Okay. They're Japanese. They are bred to fight wild boars and bears. They're like the cyber truck of dogs. They're very cool to look at, but I don't want one in my house.

Dalmatians? Do you know about Dalmatians? Firehouse dog. Yes, but they were bred. Okay. I don't know what they're. Yes, but they were bred to run alongside horse-drawn carriages to protect the horses and the passengers from other dogs attacking. Same thing with fire trucks and stuff. Why are they playing with someone's newborn? It's also like if you want a toy, if you want a dog that's going to be, get a Shih Tzu.

Like, get a fucking, get a little chihuahua mix. That's the problem. Some people have, but then there's a Dalmatian at the dog park. So the Shih Tzus get eaten. Gone. Yeah.

We know what happened to our shoot too. Oh my God. It's just give, set the dog up to win. Yeah. Is all I'm saying. Stop getting dogs. You have no idea how to own. Like if you're dumb, don't get a smart dog. Like, yeah, we just have to be humble. That's I'm a klutz. We know this. I'm not going to get a tricycle. I'm not going to go near a trampoline. I know I'm in over my head. I know my limitations. This is why I don't go near cats.

I know they're going to cast a spell on me and I don't want to talk to my dead mom right now. Thank you. I don't trust the cat is going to relay what I want to say verbatim. I'm not saying I don't love these dogs. I'm just saying put them on a leash. Yeah. If they're going to run free with 50 other inbred dogs people bought on the Internet from some MLN woman that breeds great Pyrenees and she's on her third divorce. Dude,

you realize breeders like if you they're like stage moms. Have you ever met a sane dog breeder? They're always in like a bump it there who buy the bump. Lila Rose had your game. Yeah, dude. They buy all that shit on TikTok. Yeah, the dress you can wear 52 ways. I knew a German Shepherd breeder. OK, tattoo lip liner.

Only drink Sunkist. Yeah. They always have like a jet ski in the driveway. Also, she's going to live to be 112. That's correct. That's so funny. The holidays are the most magical time of the year, but let's be real. They can also be expensive. Thankfully, Ibotta helps you save money while keeping the magic alive.

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not to go in your purse. They're police dogs. These animals are like the Ferrari of dog. Yeah, dude. And people just have no idea. I know they're very sweet with you, but you just gotta, dude, your Rhodesian Ridgeback is from Rhodesia.

It doesn't want to be. They were bred to hunt lions in Africa. If you've not trained this dog, maybe don't let it jump in the baby stroller. I just I feel like it's like it must be a California thing where they don't believe in dog breeds. Everything's trans now. They're like, I have a Ridgeback, but it identifies as a miniature poodle. Like it's OK. Well, miniature poodles normally can't fit six crows in their mouth. Can you go handle that? It's get a little messy over there by the playground. I have a Ridgeback.

She's allowed in two rooms in my house. And that's it. As long as every door is locked. Also, sorry. Everyone in the house has to wear like a medieval suit of armor if they want to meet her. If she thinks that she hears something in the house, there's been like...

meeting will end podcast episode over everybody must vacate the property she needs to do like 30 laps she needs to find the source of the sound and then kill it there's no stopping her there's no like which is good that's what she's wired to do but that's why i get to live here alone and i have so many people that want to murder me but i still feel safe oh my god dude when i was house sitting for you oh god this was like two years ago here by myself of course it's a

big ass in the middle of nowhere house like property. I wake up at three in the morning to a scraping noise. I was like, what? Who is scraping? Like I was like, I'm about to die. Like I this is the day that I die. So me exfoliating. Yeah. Mona's in the bed with me. I'm like, let's go. Like, you know, I let her out first. She's like she hears it, too. She was like on edge. We go outside. I open the door expecting to see like a man in a full face mask.

Coyote dragging a 50-pound bag of dog food up your driveway. Literally, it's halfway up the driveway, just like muscled. Mona, of course, loses her shit, chases it off. The coyote is like barely scared, first of all. Runs to your gate, literally levitates up the gate onto the top of it and just like disappears into the night. It was one of the scariest things that's ever happened to me. Coyotes are wild, dude. They...

I mean, I have you've seen the video of me shooting at a coyote with a bullet. What was that? A BB gun. And it's looking at me like.

Like, laugh. I mean, it's laughing at me. And I'm not even kidding. I just, yeah, I don't roll the dice. And here's the thing. Yes, when she hears something above her. So when people are like, well, they're nanny dogs. They love babies. They do pit bulls and Ridgebacks. But it's because the number one way the babies would die back then were rats. Ha ha, joke, joke, comedy podcast. Babies die from being eaten by rats. Like, let the comedy begin. And so when they hear scratches, they think it's rats in the wall. And they lose their minds, dude. Mona has torn up...

Remember when she would tear it out? Oh, my God. But it's like she doesn't just tear things up. It's like the entire floor. Hey, babe, can you keep wrinkling paper? Could you just do you have any? Is that a diva cup? What is that? Can I have this? So we're going to stop in the dog breeds for a second. I'd like to take some time to basically do like a impromptu better help ad. My boyfriend has started collecting miniatures.

And I'd like to know what I should do about it. This is a beanbag chair? Yeah. Well, it's a love sack. What's a love sack? Which is the worst name for a company. Because it looks like a pocket pussy. Is that why? Oh, what's that? Oh. What is that? It's a little piece of Tupperware. You have an infant in your home. I know. That is going to end up in the folds of his small intestine. He literally came home. He literally came home and was like,

And he was like, he had a mini coffee maker, a mini chair, a mini shoe box with a pair of shoes in it. Reebok pumps. Reebok pumps. What are these? What are we doing? It's just everything except an engagement ring. What are we? Building a Polly Pocket house. Yeah. What is the, is this a crisis? Can you just cheat like a normal man? Also, are these from Etsy? Because that's kind of her thing. I know. That's my thing.

I did. He was like, I got all these minis. And I was like, I can win this just by accident. I have so many mini things everywhere. You were like, that's so funny because I also bought that on Etsy, but I thought it was a full-size chair. Do you want to talk about this later, babe? Did you just go to Michael? If you're going to talk for a while, I should mic him up. Nope, he doesn't want to weigh in. I'm just asking for you guys. Do I let this go on or what do I do? I think encourage it. I'm curious to see what this goes on. Comment below. Comment below.

Anyway, what were you talking about? Oh, my dog will kill you. Yeah. And it's not she's not trying to. She's just trying to send a message. And you're, you know, you're, you know, collateral. It's just, you know, I'm saying your vertebrae is in the wrong place. And, you know, eyeballs are just like smucker's jelly in like a very light casing of plastic, you know. But I don't I don't.

I don't lie to myself about it. I don't lie to other people. I'm not like, she's just really friendly. Yeah, no. I'm like, please, please slowly back out of the room and do not make eye contact. Yeah. Okay. No, I'm the same way. My dog is like, my dog is great with other dogs. She's slow to warm to people. And with dogs,

with new people, I'm like, no, she probably doesn't. They'll like offer her their hand or whatever. And she's she'll she'll rebuff it. And then they'll go after her. I'm like, hey, so she said no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's good. She said no. She's good. But there's nothing like being rejected by a dog. People can't handle it. Yeah. But also you don't need to be friends. You're never going to see this dog again. You don't need the inside of my dog's mouth on your hand anyway. Like why or don't why? Right. Which is when someone comes over and it's not you guys. She's in a crate. She's in a she's wrapped in duct tape.

I don't just let her mummify. I just don't let her roam the house. Like, I don't need to get sued. OK, I don't like from everything I have built because I didn't take two seconds to gander at a ghoul of what my ancestors, you know, shit, what my dog's ancestors did 2000 years. She is a perfect angel most of the time. She is. I would die for her. But 1% of the time.

is the only percent of the time I'm going to think about. Right. Okay. Because if she makes that one mistake, that one percent of the time, I'm going to be selling dresses you can wear six ways on TikTok. And I just don't think I can do it.

Oh, anyway. So get get your dog on a leash. I mean, I saw it was it was like, did Michael Vick move to L.A.? There were just dog fights. All that was that happened to me the other day. Huh? Like somebody was in the dog park with what seemed to be a gaggle of dogs. A dog walker with a training that's not OK. No. And I was just like, because that's a pack. Yeah. And I think that is exactly what it was. And he was like.

offering the corrections to a bunch of the dogs. And there was a guy with him who he seemed to be like training. And I was immediately just like, I don't like this. You're going to train them with a bunch of distractions. Right. Here's another thing. This is also like public service announcement. Your dog's collar should not have a bell on it or a bunch of clanky, clanky shit because your dog can't hear anything else.

Yeah. Why do you have a janitor's key ring full of 50 keys on your dog's thing? It's also like, it's not a cat where they're going to hide in your house and you won't find them for three weeks. Why is your dog the ghost of Christmas past with a...

They can't hear you. Your dog is in stomp. You can't. Everyone's like, he won't listen. He won't listen. I'm like, yeah, because he has, he can't hear you. Dogs have amazing hearing and you have a stupid, and then when they go to eat, my dog won't eat. Is the giant metal disc that you have on its, you know, collar hitting the metal bowl? Yeah. It's good. You know what I mean? So I, I can't because I can't go to the dog park anymore because I'm just like, hey, you know why this is happening, right? Like I'm,

Can't figure out a relationship, but I can tell everyone what's wrong with their dog. All right. Well, we really we really dug in and I'm looking forward to all of you yelling at me that I don't understand your dog and that I was wrong and that your dog's different and that I don't know anything about dogs or cats and I'm racist towards certain dog breeds. That's true. You are. I let let me have it.

Let me know. This woman has kept two dogs separate in her house. They both live here for years. So I think she knows what you're talking about. Three years. Three years now. They have lived separately. Yeah, they have beef. I don't. Here's the thing about me. I only need to see something once and I got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. Like, I got it. Like, I you know what? I have all the information I need.

I'm not like that was a one time thing. Oh, they got it out of their system. I see the lies that people that have to tell themselves. Yeah. And like, no, no, no. That was a one time thing. That was just because the bully stick. It was good. Yeah. No, I brought my dog to my office one single time and she was a nightmare. And I said, great. Never again with their dogs at the office. Never again. That dog evolved to chase bears. And you have it at

TikTok offices. Yeah, one time. How do we work? Well, I was like, oh, she's protective of me. I can't bring her here. You know, lesson learned. Oh, yeah. Oh, she's just protective. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And I look like I'm attacking you because I have to give you this fax. I love the idea that at the TikTok offices, which I don't even work at TikTok, but that they're giving out faxes. Oh, yeah. I'd love to. Dude, I'm telling you. Grace doesn't work at TikTok? I work in the realm of TikTok. What do you do?

Wouldn't you like to know? No, but I there's this new thing where whenever I'm like doing a show and I ask people what they do, no one knows what they do. Yeah, no. Every job is made up. So wild. Like people be like, I'm a consultant. I'm like, for what? And they're like, well, I recruit. That is something. And you're like, what? And they're like, I'm I'm the manager of operations. I'm like, so the manager and like, no, I'm like, it's a lot of like presentations and like building decks for what?

Numbers. Unclear. What? Yeah. I'm a supervisor of the operation. What's the difference between the manager and the supervisor? Who do you supervise? Does anyone know what they do? Like, I am fascinated. Also, like, I work for Deloitte and I make $600,000 a year. Yeah. It's a money laundering scheme. You're like, it's a way to launder money. It's just like a fake job. But I just think it's so you don't work at TikTok. No, I write TikToks for brands.

to post on their TikTok pages. About? About their products. Dress you can wear six ways. Yes. You can't wear it six ways.

You can't when they're like when they're like you wear it this way and then you can wear it this way. It's like, yeah, I can I can put it off my shoulder, a T-shirt off my shoulder. Right. I can wear it that way. Just inventing 17 magazine spreads. Yeah. That's what they used to put in 17 magazine. Yeah. They're like and then you can do this way and then you can pull it up a little bit. But then you can tie it in the back. Yeah. No, we we all T-shirt. Yeah. It's like.

we've all turned a shirt into a bikini top. We know how to. We've all been in 11th grade. We know how to turn a dress into a sluttier dress. Don't pretend this dress can be nine dresses. Oh, you didn't have to walk past your parents going out in high school? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you

boom and then go out and you pull it out. Like, it's just so insulting. You can wear it seven different ways. Everyone's going to know it's the same dress. They're going to be like, why did she change the dress from last night? That was weird. Right. No one's like, that's a different black dress. That's just a tube of stretchy fabric. Because you're also the person at the party who's like, and I can wear it six ways and I can do this.

And it's like, oh, God, God. Jenny's going on about the different ways she can just like, because anyone that buys a dress you can wear six ways. She's going to show it to you. Oh, yeah. She's going to show you all the ways she can wear it. She's going, that is nifty. Yeah. She's buck naked like, and you can, honey, we got, I got it. It's good. Sold. I didn't even notice her dress. Like, what are we, we're at a school orientation. Oh, my God. Sweetie, like this is, it is the sluttiest dress I've ever seen. You can wear it six ways.

Babe, I wouldn't wear it once if I were you. I just, there's no occasion to wear it. Also, don't try and wash it if you got it on TikTok shop because it's going to shrink. It's going to be baby clothes. You'll be able to wear it one way as the fingerless gloves. Yeah, exactly. All right. I love you guys. Don't ride elephants. New tour dates are coming soon. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.