goo prone: a voice note on earnestness, etc.
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For a long time, I just like really didn't share this because it just, it honestly felt embarrassing. You know, my work is writing about my feelings. My book is about journaling. It really doesn't get more sincere or serious than that. Teaching workshops about journaling. Okay. Hi. Listen, it's just us. It's open mic night. I've got a cake in the oven. I honestly can't be here long because...

It's my friend Lauren's birthday party that started, I'm not even gonna say how long it started ago. I'm late. But the cake is cooling. I'm gonna put some candles in it and get on the road. But first I'm going to talk to you like a voice note to a friend. It's just me here, no guest. And hopefully,

It's somewhat centered around a topic and today's topic is earnestness and sincerity in the age of irony. This is a surprise to me, to be honest. I wrote that down, that little bit right there, oh, three weeks ago. And I just was like, you know, I'm going to read it. And I forgot that's what I was going to talk about. If you are here for what we usually do on this program, which is an interview, we're

See you next week. Actually, not next week, because next week is a Q&A episode. So submit a question if you'd like to contribute to that. You can send a comment or a question. You can record yourself or you can write it out. We have both options in the show notes. I will be back. Maybe perhaps go to the bathroom, get a tea, get out the door, go on a walk, get in your car. How are you doing? It's an expedited holiday season this year, right? It's

Okay, I'm back. It's several days later. I went to Lauren's party. It was at TG in the karaoke room. And I did participate. I sang my karaoke song, which fittingly, I didn't even think about this, is from a movie called

that I'm going to reference later in this program in the context of talking about irony. Have you seen Reality Bites? If you have, you definitely know the song that I sang. It's karaoke. Perhaps I'll put a little bit of it here. I'm not going to... I won't, you know, break your headphones by performing what I performed in front of my friends the other night, but you'll know the song. You'll know that it might be playing in CVS as we speak.

The point is, there's also a part in Reality Bites where Winona Ryder is stumped when she has to define irony. You've kind of heard this happen to me.

a little bit ago when, several days ago for me, just a mere minutes ago for you when you were listening to this. Basically, I made some notes. I was going to talk about this topic and then I was reading what I'd written. I was like, oh yeah, I was going to do that. And then I had to go back and remember what I was even going to say. So maybe...

You have feelings about sincerity, earnestness, irony. None of this is new. And there have been so many fascinating observations about this topic recently. I think mostly around...

the Tumblr post that the musician Ethel Kane put out. And if you read that already or you hadn't read that, it doesn't really matter, but it's in the show notes if you do want to read it. But it's referenced in three pieces of media that I consumed around the time I think that that was published. And one was a podcast, the Polyester podcast. And in that they referenced...

an article by the New Statesman called The Internet Superiority Complex, and I read that. And then there are two other video essays that I'll link in the show notes. And it swirled around in my mind as I took all of this in. And I'm curious what this means to you. I really just want to start a conversation as I was reading

putting together some notes for what I wanted to present to you to start said conversation. Instead of regurgitating other people's takes on this, I really thought about my own and if I had anything to add and highlight some of the things that stood out to me. And so here goes. Here goes nothing. It's been said that this is a Gen Z conversation,

irony epidemic, but this was the case for us too, and probably every generation. And as Melissa Broder said on the podcast a couple weeks ago, no new problems. So this is not a new epidemic, but this culture of irony and this desire to have the top comment and to

be noticed in that way, perhaps to grow following and get a thousand likes on your really snarky comment is, you know, to gain in that way. But, but I think it's also, and this, you know, is not my original thought. This has come from others, but it's something that I've been kicking around a lot in my own brain is,

That we lack real life community and that we're so hungry for it that we'll take that virtual pat on the back because we want a real one and we want to be seen and heard and understood. And I feel that way now.

That's why it doesn't really hit for me that it is just in the comment section as a way to get more people to look at your TikTok. Obviously, I don't even have one of those, but to build your audience, that doesn't really... For me, it's not even just that because I care how many people...

what I said in the group chat, even my family group chat. They're my flesh and blood, but I'll take the dopamine in there if they like what I had to say. Not always, and obviously it comes at a higher level and is more potent from someone who's withholding, but dopamine's dopamine. And then the other thing is I grew up like one of the video essayists that I...

will cite below, mention this. Like her, I grew up in the age of film and television like most of us, all of us did here. And it was always on. And Friends is just in my brain. And Sex and the City is so ingrained in my brain. And a few movies and most all romantic comedies from the early 2000s, they're just in there.

And Chandler Bing is just in there and that desire to say something funny. And I think that it allows for detachment. I think it allows for and I think all of these things are fine. Like I'm not this is not a joke.

a rant on like why we should be more serious or why we should not make jokes and times of tumultuous stress. But I think this is an interesting thing to talk about. Have you noticed an increase in meanness on the internet of kind of snarky comments and

all of that and having to sort of say everything with a little wink. And I feel like I've noticed that, but the more I was thinking about it, and this comes up in a lot of the sources that I cited as well, it's sort of always been that way. And in the New Statesman article, the internet superiority complex,

That made an interesting point that the internet is a place to feel better about ourselves, obviously, when we compare and we're like, oh, yeah, well, I could do that. Or feel worse about ourselves, obviously, when we look at someone and it's the opposite. And it's just interesting to think about. It's just something to think about. And, okay, pause. Okay, I'm back. What happened was...

I could hear someone outside and I was embarrassed that they were hearing this rough draft and so I had to close the window. Clearly my brain was going in a million directions so I had to grab a magic mind. You've heard me talk about magic mind before but listen, this episode's about to get much better because I have just drank a magic mind and I'm using no irony at all. This is earnest, this is sincere.

I have been drinking one shot a day of Magic Mind for the past five days in a row. It's really changed my mental performance and my life, genuinely, and my routine. What's cool about this is it tastes good, first of all, because I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it consistently, I'll tell you that much. I look forward to it, and...

I've noticed a difference where a lot of supplements I've taken, a lot of drinks, there's no before and after. And I'm only five days in and I can already see the after, which is really wonderful. And

We all have so many distractions. It is the season, dare I say, for distractions. Stress is high on a normal day, but I think around this time of year, you have to do all of your normal responsibilities and work, as well as holiday parties, as well as finding gifts. There's a lot coming at you, and I really like having this experience

of the many tools that I use at my disposal and Magic Mind is really cool. They were only founded five years ago, but in that time they have constantly been iterating and they set out to make a drink that can get us to 100% mental performance without the

side effects of being over caffeinated with jitters and anxiety. And they actually made 106 formulations. Isn't that wild? And they got to this one. And I love someone who iterates and does a lot of drafts until they get it perfectly correct.

Magic Mind is a mental performance shot. You take it in addition to your coffee and it helps to feel more motivated, more productive, more mentally clear. It helps decrease stress. It has mushroom nootropics and adaptogens and 100% of your daily vitamin C and vitamin D per bottle helps

Two of the most important vitamins this time of year. Again, tis the season for vitamin C. You perhaps are traveling and you want to amp up the vitamin C. I know I sure do. There aren't any quick fixes, but I do believe that having routines that feel good is

and adding in things that feel good like this can really help. And just in just three or four days, I felt a difference and I'm going to continue it. If you do try it, I would love to know what you think. Please tell me. I'm really into it. And

I think you will be too. You can actually try it. No risk. They're so confident that you'll love it like I do, that they'll give you all of your money back 100%. No questions asked. You just have to do it within 100 days of buying. That's so many days. They also ship all over to 65 different countries. I just think that you might want to try it. So

I have an offer for you that you can use that gets you up to 48% off of your first subscription or 20% off a one-time purchase. You just use the code at checkout, let it out, all one word, and you can claim it at magicmind.com slash L-I-O. magicmind.com slash L-I-O.

So I've taken mine. I'm feeling much more clear. And I earnestly am going to continue talking about earnestness. If you already have your magic mind, time to take a sip. So D'Angelo made this incredible essay that's linked below. And he made a great point that going for the joke, going for the laugh is the easy thing.

to engage with something, right? So we are most likely to engage with something that's most accessible. And I've noticed that too. And when I was considering how this has affected me personally, I've noticed I think in trying to find the joke, even on my own, even in the group chat, but especially, of course, within social media.

And this is something that actually Nada, from a couple years ago, I think it was like two years ago now, Nada Alec, the incredible writer of Bad Thoughts, if you haven't read that book, get yourself a hard copy. Excellent as a gift. Book of short stories. And hilarious.

Speaking of funny, and I think in that episode from a couple years ago, and maybe I can find the clip, but we were talking about social media. We were talking about actually her promoting the book and how hard she had to work at that task. It feels like to me it's uncool to try. It's uncool to...

put yourself out there on social media. And she responded to them. She was like, yeah, it is uncool, but I want to talk about how hard I worked on this. It's cooler to not do it. It's cooler to be mysterious. But that's like shooting yourself in the foot in a way because no one's going to see the thing that you made. And I think we've all, it's not the 90s. It's not slacker culture. It's not where you're

trying to not sell out. I think it's opposite now. I think people are like, oh no, get, take the money. Good. I'm so happy to see my friends doing partnerships. We're wanting that. We're wanting to see musicians be paid more. We're wanting to, all of that. I think that there's been a definite shift there. But I think at that time, even two years ago and now, posting something feels embarrassing. Everything feels embarrassing. And

This is me completely speaking for myself, but I remember talking about this with Nada even back then. And I noticed myself in general, in life, in conversation, like always trying to make a little joke, always trying to have that, I guess, detachment from earnestness to make myself feel more comfortable, to make other people feel more comfortable. And...

especially in a caption on social media. I feel like if I post anything, I can only do it. Even if I really have this photo I want to post, I can only do it if I have a very self-aware caption and it's really funny and it makes sense and it's perhaps self-deprecating, then I can do it. But if not, it's just, I don't know. And this is just intriguing to me. And

I know that well-timed humor is a sign of intelligence. So maybe it's, you know, wanting to prove that I'm smart or prove that I'm good enough. And I spent my early 20s all the way through really until the tail end, which happens to coincide with both moving to L.A. and the pandemic, being incredibly earnest, like incredibly sincere, incredibly earnest, not the opposite of what I just described, but

unaware of how earnest and sincere I was even. Unironically, I published a self-help book when I was but 25 years old, for gosh sakes. And to me, that was cool. I looked up to a lot of people in that industry that I thought were cool. And therefore, I didn't think differently. And I owned my earnestness because...

I perhaps wasn't aware that it was uncool to be earnest. I missed it. I remember maybe beginning to become aware of it when Alexi Wasser, she would often say, I'm so earnest that people think I'm being sarcastic. And I was like, me too. I felt very seen by that. I really related. But at the time, I don't think I fully realized how strangely earnest I was. And perhaps...

Back then it was different. This was maybe you know getting close to a decade ago, but I do think that none of this is new I think it's really just different the irony at being the irony epidemic and D'Angelo pointed this out actually in his video that Millennials who are now considered too serious and too sincere were once considered to be too ironic. So Let me know what you think. I'm really curious. I

And I think a lot of this, in my case, this shift for me, this sea change for me, had a lot to do with who I was surrounded by and where I was. And...

what I was into. And back then in my early 20s, I was honestly not surrounded by much. I was very isolated. I very much had blinders on. I got a lot of work done. I worked a full-time job and I did everything I'm doing now, plus more. I wrote a book. And I also didn't really have friends. And in the last few years, I have been very much consciously or unconsciously

aware of the fact that I've been wanting to be perceived or attempting to be perceived as cool. And that has occupied a lot of my time and my brain space. And in contrast to the period of time where I was quite isolated, like I just, I had my little online community. I had very few in-person friends. I barely participated in my real life community, but I'm

found community through my work. And I was definitely more, I was going to say more myself, but it's not that entirely, but I felt less embarrassed. You know what I mean? I was less embarrassed to do anything because I

there was this detachment of the people. I remember thinking about this. I published an article that I was nervous for my family to see, but strangers on the internet, I didn't care at all. I was so happy to be seen by them. And it's just interesting to reflect in this way. And I'm sure you're having your own reflection right now too, or I hope you do. But I think

seeing that contrast and I don't know if one is better than the other but it does feel like a spectrum and having those blinders on and just this is what I earnestly think and believe and I really didn't worry too much what people thought because the people that were gonna think were strangers where now I have people who engage with my Instagram with my sub stack with my podcast from time to time people that I know and that has

become part of my process when making work and it slowed me down quite a lot looking back it's been kind of confronting because the amount of brain space and energy trying to be perceived as cool has taken up for me in the last just four years meaning like obsessing about a caption or

mostly in case some dude I had a crush on sees it who doesn't even follow me, but I want to think I'm cool. What if he happens to look

Maybe it will make him want to follow me or maybe it'll make him like me now. And I'm not actually saying this, but it's ingrained in me to say everything with a little wink. Let me show you how civil where I am. And like, I don't actually think this is cool, but I'm going to just all of that. It's not even about just people have a crush on it. It's maybe people I want to include me or it's very...

high school and sound silly. And I'm proud of myself in the last couple years, I just feel much more secure in my relationships, I feel much more secure in my friendships, I'm not pining in that way. And because of that, it's become deeply uncomfortable to think about how much I was, and honestly, how that held me back, how it cost me money, how it cost me time. And

The ways it did that are that I haven't shared about my work as much on social media because it just it honestly felt embarrassing. You know, my work is writing about my feelings. My book is about journaling. It really doesn't get more sincere or serious than that. Teaching workshops about journaling or working with people one-on-one in the creative clinic, creative consulting.

That one is an interesting one right there. Actually, creative consulting. I use the word consulting, which is what it is. I am consulting with individuals and brands creatively, sure. But it's also something I've done for over a decade. I just met up with a client that I worked with in 2014. And at the time, I called it life coaching because it was. And I am and was...

qualified to do that and do it now but using the word client and using the word coach felt so uncool to me when I'm surrounded by artists and in this creative community here in Tinseltown that I wanted to put a barrier between me and things I thought were uncool and

So I tried to change the wording to something that I'm doing the same thing because it is what I do and I love it. And I want to do more of it. And I'm good at it. Even like that, to say that I'm good at something, to be earnest like that, it just feels so embarrassing. So I changed the word to something that felt like, well, I could call it performance art or I could call it consulting. And it's like, okay, sure. But it's also...

coaching someone and having empathy and having distance and understanding and noticing patterns and having a connection. And it's really wonderful. So yeah, that's why I changed the word because of what I thought the artists around me would think of me. And you know what? They didn't think about me at all because nobody's really thinking about me at all.

But the amount of brain space I have spent considering this sort of thing is truly, it's nauseating. It's wild. And I think reading Ethel Kane's Tumblr post and hearing smart people have fascinating observations around it hit me so hard that I'm here now talking about it with you is because it took me a second, but I saw myself in it. I saw the fact that I...

judged what I was doing, what I am doing, what I've been doing for over a decade as uncool. Not to me, I didn't actually think it was uncool and not even to my peers or potential readers or listeners or the people who I could help or be useful to or the people I could potentially entertain. Potential people that would engage with my work, they don't think it's uncool.

But they're not going to see it because I was internalizing thinking it was uncool. And the funniest thing now is that the people who I was trying to be cool for, I think they'd kind of be into it. If I was just like, yeah, I'm a life coach. They'd be like, oh, sick. And so why did I change? Maybe I can't pinpoint it, but I kind of can. It's this sort of select group of people in my real life.

Or people that are peripherally in my life that I want to be or continue to be, that I want to like me. And I was sort of performing for them, performing my work for them, performing my life for them. And there's really no difference, you know. So the best example of this that I can give is when I used to teach yoga...

And I would be teaching a class, perhaps it was a packed, sold-out class, but one person that I had a crush on came to my class for the first time. Or even a best friend or whoever it was that I knew that comes to this class.

I was constantly catering to them. I was constantly looking over to them while I was teaching, thinking, oh, what they think of that song choice or how they like that verbiage or what they think of the sequencing of the flow. And what's the harm in that? You might be thinking, well,

a lot, which is that I was ignoring the rest of the class, the paying people who are not my guest. In those moments when my brain goes to what does this person who I want external validation from that I put on a pedestal, what are they thinking? I'm ignoring all the other people. And that's not fair. I think I've

holistically been doing a version of that more broadly in my work where I've been more concerned with how one or two people that I put on a pedestal for whatever reason how they perceive me and my work and if I'm appealing to them then if I'm reaching the people who could potentially find value in what I have to offer

And so then the way I've been doing it is like diluting the message, diluting the marketing, dare I say, or diluting the earnest idea that I want to share and making it a joke or making it a meme or making it cool and whatever. And cool, I guess I've equated with

a joke, with irony, with sarcasm, with a little wink. And it's just become confusing. People are like, well, what do you even do? I don't know. And I just wonder if anyone here can relate to this. I genuinely am curious. This makes me sad that I have done this for so long. And it has made me...

contribute less and where has this gotten me it's gotten me to a place where I do think you know it worked right like I I do actually think I'm this is gonna this is gonna probably uh negate what I'm about to say but I do feel like and it's all relative but I've gotten a

invited to some parties. And of course, nothing happens when those things happen. You go to the party and you're like, oh, this was it. And it's fleeting. It's fleeting too, because you get invited to one and then you're like, but I didn't get invited to the next one. And I didn't, you know, but I feel like I have participated here more than I've participated anywhere else. And I feel comfortable around people. I have a community that

And I'm grateful for that. I really am. And I also think that part of that has distracted me from the blinders that I had on earlier in my 20s and earlier in my career where I was unapologetically making work and putting it out quite quickly. If you read my last newsletter, I was quickly pasting what I copied. And I don't know what this trying to be cool has gotten me. Maybe it's gotten me experience, but...

at the expense of being useful and being helpful. And I don't want to diminish my desire to do that more. And anyway, I want to not care how I'm perceived and I want to be helpful. And the funny thing is, as I said in the episode with Veronica during the launch party for my zine called Pivot,

Where I was standing, or I was actually sitting, but I'm looking out in this room and I'm seeing all these cool friends. Just like being supportive and like being nice about my little printout that I made. And that is the most validating experience when you put out something that's so you, so the inside of your brain and the people you had put on a pedestal.

are into it or maybe they're not into it. And honestly, I think that's the thing. Like part of it in my brain was like, oh my God, they're going to read this and they're going to be into it. And I don't think like most of them read it, but the fact that they were there means they don't think it's uncool. And I'm not saying you need that. I'm not saying you need these people to come to your party or validate a thing that you made. And granted, there were a lot of people who didn't come, but I do think having some people

Who do engage with you and who do care validates some of that insecurity. And I think this pendulum swing away from earnestness is in a way good for me. It was good for me. It served me. Now I know more about how people I work with and people I engage with, what they feel because I know I'm not alone in this. And when I come back to center, I'm not going to go as far into...

sincerity that it's with blinders on. I think there is something to be said for being too earnest, but that's for a different episode or let me know your thoughts. But also I don't just think it was that I was performing for these people that I wanted to per-

tend to be cooler for, I think it was the internet and culture at large. There's this tonal shift. And that's what Ethel Kane was saying in her post. And it's something that I just keep having discussions about with friends and people in my life. And I really want this to be a discussion. So please let me know what you think. I want to end with a couple quotes from

So you probably heard me say this one if you've been following along here for a while. Zoe, my best friend here who I met really early on when I moved to LA, so four years ago, peak me trying to be cool. She gave me this quote and it's from the comfort book and it says...

Warm. Don't worry about being cool. Never worry what the cool people think. Life is warmth. You'll be cool when you're dead. Head for warm people. Head for life. Dream. It's nice, right? It goes down real easy. And it's a sentiment that several years ago, there was a one-person show I saw in New York called Accidentally Brave. And I had the writer, Maddie, and the...

co-writer and director Kristen on the show to talk about it and there's a quote and that's go for warmth and I just go towards warmth or something like that and I've always kept that in the back of my mind and you're probably thinking ditch because you just went on and on about how you have been trying to be cool for years and you know that's true but anyway the point is these are

to me. And I have actually one more that I want to leave us with. And this one is from David Foster Wallace. And someone made me a playlist that was a play on this and it was called goo prone and generally pathetic. And the full quote, which is from infinite jest is as follows.

Hal, who's empty but not dumb, theorizes privately that what passes for hip cynical transcendence of sentiment is really some kind of fear of being really human. Since to be really human, at least as he conceptualizes it, is probably to be unavoidably sentimental and naive and goo-prone and generally pathetic.

All right, so where do you fall? Are you gooey and generally pathetic like me? Are you warm? Are you cool? I think it is a spectrum of the gooey and pathetic to the serious and the intellectual. I think it's fluid. I think it changes as we do, as culture does. I still often...

have joke regret. I'll make a joke and be like, oh, I should have been more serious and earnest and honest. And then sometimes I'll be really earnest and honest and be like, oh man, I should have made a joke and that was too much. So I don't know, maybe we can't win, but I'm actually having it right now. Like with this actual episode, maybe I said something bad or wrong or weird, but, but I hope that it starts a conversation and it's

I'd love to know what you think. And you want to know something that helped me around this topic, honestly, is that a few years ago, a few of my cool friends started to engage with my work, listen to the podcast, read my newsletter. So I began to do a little bit of what I was doing in the yoga classes. I spotted myself performing for what these people, these very, very few people would think of it, hoping that they would like me more or know me more.

Just, you know, you're run of the mill craving external validation, craving community, craving to be seen and understood more fully and completely. And, you know, I was constantly feeling like nobody really knows me and wanting that emotional intimacy and trying to get it through my work, which is so wild. Really what this whole situation is about, it's about...

wanting to be seen and understood and wanting community and wanting connection. And when I got their approval and when I intermittently got it, intermittent reinforcement is so addictive. So it sort of trickled in. As much as I know it's harmful, it's distracting to be aiming for it. It did propel me and it was affirming, but

It was very much needed. And I have been helped by people who have been kind enough to engage with something that I put time into. Listening to an episode of the podcast and sending me their thoughts or telling me that they liked my writing or sharing it. From strangers, that feels excellent. From people I know in real life...

from friends. That's like a drug to me and the addictive personality I have, it makes me want more of it. And I can either try to achieve that from them, but then that's sort of a losing game because then I'm overthinking it and it's really, I have to both take that in and allow the compliments to propel me and use it, but not expect it and continue anyway.

and then try to get that validation from within which is really so hard but I think the only way and with that very earnest and gooey thought I will just end it there which is

the truth. I am in fact gooey and earnest and warm, not cool. I had to end it with a joke and I couldn't even really do it. I'm no Chandler Bing, but thank you so much for listening. This episode is edited by Jeremiah and I will see you next week with a Q&A episode with Ella. So please submit your questions. You can do it, like I said at the top of the show, you can do it with a

little app that you can record your voice and me a voice note or you can send it in writing either way if you want a copy of pivot the zine the way to do that is to subscribe to my sub stack if you liked this episode you will like that it's just me writing essentially very similar to what you heard here and when you become a paid subscriber it means so much to me and I'll send you a copy of the zine

The other thing that I want to tell you is that I have two holiday workshops, Putting Happy Back in the Holidays. Talk about earnest and gooey, but in the spirit of telling you that, if you want to sign up for it, it's a very, very cheap offering. And it's a workshop that helps you navigate this time of year. Everything from the family's dress, how I navigate it, to...

money and eating and food and so much coming at you and gifts and all of it. So that's all there for you to engage with if you'd like.

as well as changing your relationship to New Year's resolutions in my Resolution Reframe. Remix your resolutions. It's a workshop I've taught for over a decade, started doing in yoga studios, started teaching it at Kripalu several years ago, and then when I moved here, I did it online. That is available, and I'm open to doing it in person in LA, that one, if...

There's enough interest. So all the links to that, all the links to the videos I mentioned and the articles, all in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening all the way to the end. You're incredible. If you are listening now, please comment the, what's the most gooey emoji that there is?

I can't think of one. Comment the Christmas tree, but if you think of a gooey emoji... Oh, honey? Honey. It's honey for sure. The honey pot. But Christmas tree, honey pot together, perhaps. Alright, this means so much, and I am grateful. Okay, bye bye. Oh man, you made friends with them. See, friendship is the booze they feed you. Because they want you to get drunk on feeling like you belong. Well, it was fun. Because they make you feel cool.

And hey, I met you. You are not cool. I know. Even when I thought I was, I knew I wasn't. Because we are uncool. While women will always be a problem for guys like us, most of the great art in the world is about that very problem. Good-looking people, they got no spine. Their art never lasts. Then they get the girls. But we're smarter. Yeah, I can really see that now. Yeah, because great art is about guilt and longing and...

You know, love disguises sex and sex disguises love. Hey, let's face it. You got a big head start. I'm glad you were home. I'm always home. I'm uncool. Me too. You're doing great. The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool.