Vicars, Affairs, and More Affairs!
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Ranger, for the ones who get it done. Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Telling Everybody Everything, Christmas New Year edition. It is December 27th, and I know a lot of you are thinking about divorce.

Christmas is a time that really crystallizes what your relationship looks like. You're alone together. It's meant to be a magical time. If it's not magical, then people just decide once and for all, all right, I'm out. Or they've decided this earlier in the year, but they've made a promise to themselves and to their kids, well, we'll just make it through one more Christmas and then I'm out. And I know this because people file for divorce a lot in January and we are thinking of selling

The church flat, though I don't really want to sell it. It's not like a hard sell. We've just listed it because I think I told you a few months ago, our financial advisor said that because we're not slumlords, so we pay to upkeep the place really well. We don't charge an exorbitant rent, though it still is London rent, that our return in it is under a certain threshold of like we could be getting a higher interest rate

putting the money from the flat into a long-term savings account, whatever, whatever. It's not just about the investment to me. I do really love that flat. But our sales associate, our real estate guy, got in touch and was like, all right, let's think about what we can do to sell this flat in January because people are moving in January. And this is why. This is why people list a lot of homes in January and they're looking for homes in January because they're splitting up.

And it's very, I mean, it's not sad. I think it makes people sad because it's a shift and it's difficult and it's unknown, especially if you've been together for a number of years. But I think it's really sad to stay in the wrong relationship too. So however you feel about your current relationship, it's going to be okay. Change sucks if you have to change, but it's all right. And I was thinking about this older man who drove me

to a job the other day and he was talking about his marriage. He'd been married for 40 years and he was like, "Yeah, you know my wife is so beautiful and perfect and she raised our three children with me and I was an idiot. Time and time again I made mistakes. I was drinking too much." Like he alluded to the fact that maybe he had cheated. He didn't give me the deets. He told me a lot about his life story. This is how people interact with me just day to day in the world. He really revealed a lot and I was appreciative of that.

But he's like, oh, yeah, you know, I try to do the right thing. And I lived in the basement for a while. And we got back in our feet. And my wife gave me her forgiveness. And our marriage is stronger than ever. And I'm really glad we made it through those times. And men need more time than women do to grow up. And then I grew up. And I stopped treating her badly. And now it's all good. And I was thinking to myself, it's all good for you because you

You got to do whatever it was that you did that was bad. You got to probably like disappear and be an absent father now and then and like gamble and cheat and drink and maybe you were abusive. You were an asshole in some way, shape or form. I don't know what you did, but you did bad things enough to be living in the basement. Okay. You had enough honor to still keep like paying for upstairs, right?

Because 40 years ago, presumably your wife was raising the small children and didn't have a job. So, okay, you weren't like a total deadbeat. But you were a prick and your wife chose to forgive you. But this is why women have...

autoimmune diseases is like ancestral autoimmune diseases. I probably have autoimmune diseases because of things that were done to my mother and my grandmother, and they've passed that on through their DNA. And now I'm dealing with the stress and grief and shame of these women who would just be wounded by the people who are meant to love them the most.

And then they'd like keep their chin up and forgive. But that pain goes somewhere. So they've forgiven and they've gone, okay, well, you know, maybe he'll be better than ever and he'll respect me more than ever if I just forgive this one indiscretion.

But no, like that pain lives somewhere. So I actually said to him, like I was the wrong passenger to have in the car that day. I was like, yeah, but at what like personal expense to your wife? Like, where did she put all that trauma? She just forgave you? He's like, yes, she forgave me. I said, would you have been so forgiving of her?

If your wife had just like lived her life and not grown up and you were left alone in that house with that kid, those kids while your wife was like apologizing to you and living in the basement, but still got to do all the fun stuff and spend your money and cheat on you. And he was like, uh, uh, uh, yeah. So fuck off. Where do you draw the line? That's what people are asking themselves this Christmas. Um, we did so many fun family activities. Oh my gosh.

We did so much, and the family was against me in the beginning. Bobby, I will say to his credit, he didn't complain out loud, but it does stress me out to know that other people in my party were

might not be enjoying themselves so we really I think the traditions that we will hold on to from all of the aforementioned stuff in a different episode that I dragged the family around to for Christmas I think we will hold on to carols at the hall that's the Royal Opera Hall Christmas carols that was really magical and beautiful and we had a private box and

And, well, I didn't even dress up. I looked like shit for all these activities. I meant to dress up. My intention was, like, Sunday best, we're going to look Christmas-y. But when it came down to it, I could have done better. But you're just trying to rush everybody out of the house and get them all dressed up. I think, okay, and this is offensive, what I'm going to say, because I know we don't use the word chav anymore.

And I don't even know, when I was younger, when I first moved to this country and I learned the word chav, aged like 23, I was told it was an acronym for council, house, and violent. And then I learned that that was wrong, that it's like an abbreviation of something else. But it's a derogatory term used to describe like a very organized demographic of people who wear clothes

like tracksuits and they have really interesting eyebrows and like cakey orange makeup. And usually they're young and pregnant and they have like slicked back, really severe looking hair and maybe hoop earrings. Like that would be the chav uniform when I first moved to this country. And I loved it so much because we didn't have anything like that in Canada. We had people who were

I don't know, like a bit scruffy, I guess. But we didn't have something so organized with a name and a uniform. And it was such a good uniform that I dressed as a chav for Halloween 2007, 2008, 2008.

And it was a hot costume. It was amazing. And I had a fake pregnant belly and everything. And then we took photos in the office. I worked in a sales office. And my friend punched me in the stomach in the photo like that. I mean, it was so offensive. These were the days, the wild, wild west days of Jeremy Kyle. And now we're a lot more sensitive about people's different socioeconomic restrictions and the way that they grew up and the culture that they're from. It's a really mean culture.

marginalizing thing to say, but I can't really get across what I'm trying to say without using the term. So like, please forgive me, like the basement dwelling cheating dad. I am in all of the best ways at heart, a chav, I think, because another thing that I've noticed from people in like what I would categorize that community is that for better or worse,

Their children always look immaculate and they really make an effort to like be clean and keep up appearances and be all scrubbed up. And it's almost like the more wealthy you get. Like I went to Nobu in Malibu and the richest kids in the world were there with face tattoos. One girl was wearing a big oversized hoodie and no pants. So I mean like a chav wouldn't let their child out that way.

And sometimes they look a mess, but their children look on point. And they have big, really outlandish, extravagant birthday parties. And they like designer stuff with the name on it and like bright pink buggies for their pink babies. And in that way, in all the best of ways, I'm very much like, I guess, a chav. And if it's linked to working class, which it isn't even all the time, but

it like I think comes from part of that class then I am very much in tune with that as well I like to do cooking and cleaning and washing myself I value hard work I like to have lots of babies if I can I like track suits and I like hoop earrings and I do slick my hair back because it gives me a facelift oh another pin in that I think Korea might be the place for a facelift

So I'm like getting three steps away from what I originally meant to tell you and I will go back. But I was seeing online about the advancements in plastic surgery in Korea. We've all been looking at Lindsay Lohan's face and thinking to ourselves, what's she doing? Where's she going? And it actually like winds me up, boils my piss. People keep sending me this dermatologist from Dubai and they're like, found Lindsay's doctor. No, you didn't find Lindsay's doctor. This woman is the Orion Doctor.

of the East. So Kim Kardashian has a dermatologist, Dr. Simon Orion, in Beverly Hills, and he does injectables and lasers, but he is not the Kardashian magician with the knife. Similarly, Lindsay Lohan, yes, goes for aesthetic treatments with this woman in Dubai. That is not whoever has done the magic that has occurred. I think...

I have the name. I don't know that I have the name, but it is like nearly confirmed. I think this person is pretty much confirmed to have done other aforementioned really great looking facelifts on celebrities that you would know, but I don't want to say the name. Think older than Lindsay Lohan, but like very, very hot. Dr. Steven Levine. He's in New York City, Manhattan.

He's a very young and talented man who has not been doing plastic surgery as long as the others, but he's just got a gift, like an artistic and scientific gift. And he's not like splashing out on social media. Like, you know who you never want to go to is Dr. Miami, a guy on social media who's like making jokey TikToks with the nurses. Like, this is not the guy who's going to be like the genius surgeon that you need.

If he's got time to manage a social media account, he's not the one for you. But Dr. Steven Levine, I've heard through the upper echelon grapevines, he's very skilled and very artistic and very like subtle. And this might be the guy. So I have a consultation with him. I'm really interested. And I'm not going to be getting a facelift for like five years, but I want all my ducks in a row. But in the meantime, I did hear that Korea is doing like these amazing endoscopic lifts. And if you look at Korean women, they're so beautiful, beautiful.

And plastic surgery is really normalized in Korea. Like I've heard even schoolgirls, which I don't, I do not condone, by the way, but they're getting plastic surgery. But anyway.

Korea. Backtrack from Korea. I'm a chav. Backtrack from chav. We will keep the tradition of Royal Albert Hall. My children looked beautiful. Violet was on her phone. That was disappointing. Their lovely brunch and snacks and champagne. And it was just so magical. It really felt Christmassy. And people make it a tradition every year. So if you want to go to Carol's at the Hall, at the Royal Albert Hall, you honestly need to get your tickets now for 2025.

And I'm going to do that as soon as I finish the podcast, but I'm a couple of days late. So I wanted to prioritize you, but my family, like people go, they get the same seats every year. It is expensive, but I think it's so worth it. And it really kicks off people's Christmas the right way. So we'll be going to that again. I also really loved lunch at Claridge's because it's just such a beautiful hotel. They always do a really good tree. It's very near to new bond street where you can go for a walk and look at the lights, like three minute walk.

And I think it's important to teach the children, the small children now, not Violet, but Fennett and Fred. I think it's important to take them to fancy restaurants young so that they can learn how to behave in a fancy restaurant and eat properly with a knife and a fork. God help me if I see another American trying to use a fork like an ape. Every once in a while, I just think about the way I was parented. And I'm like, God damn it, mom. Thank you. Thank you for teaching me how to eat.

Like how do Americans, not every American, but like many Americans, how do they see themselves holding a fork in like any holiday image or video and think, yeah, that seems about right. It's like Ariel, the little fucking mermaid, her first day with a fork. They hold it like they're going to like stab a bison. I don't understand what's going on with Americans and cutlery. But it's important for me that my children like

go to these lovely things and just learn how to be a civilized human being and also a job. I've said that word too many times. Like I don't want to hurt people's feelings. I'm saying good things about it. I like it. I like the bits of it that I am. So that was really amazing and it was fun and we got to spend so much time with Violet because she's been really busy this year.

Revising for GCSEs, they're all getting really geared up, you know, how schools do like GCSEs are the most important things you will ever write in your life. It determines your future. That's not true. But I mean, it is fair enough to say that if you want to do A-levels, you do need to score favorable grades, like above a six, I think, at least on your GCSEs.

And I like the way the school system make all of year 11 about that. And they're like, we will write mock exams and then we will know where we stand from the mock exams. And then we will revise again the whole rest of the year. I don't think we did a year of revision when I was growing up. I think like we actually learned new things in year 11, but I could be mistaken. And Violet got into the school of her choice for A-levels and she is so excited. And I think it's a wonderful step forward.

toward her future endeavors and her confidence and feeling like a citizen of the world. And I just hope she gets the GCSE marks that are required. God, I hope she does. I think she will because it actually matters. She said to me the other day, Mom, I have been looking on TikTok and there are people, actually I'll do her accent. Mom, there's like people on TikTok who are going to hospital and they're getting very sick.

Because they're taking Ozempic and Munjaro. And I know, actually, and I wanted to confront you for some time. I can actually tell that you're on Ozempic. And I was like, oh, well, I'm not on Ozempic. Why do you say that? She goes, it's because obviously you have Ozempic face. What a slam. Jimmy Carr, one of the most talented comedians of our generation. One of the funniest men on the planet. He has slammed me.

professionally for years and nothing has cut so deep as my 15 year old looking up at me and saying I have ozempic face I said what is ozempic face by that she's like well it's the reason why your skin is like really struggling it's like hangy and wrinkly now and I want you to stop using ozempic because it's obviously hurting you and I was like okay well first of all I've lost zero weight like in the last year I did lose a

So it would be fair to say that. A lot of people started saying it then, but no one has said it recently because I'm like slowly gaining weight again. But no, Violet's like, your face, it's all obvious in your face. I'm like, Violet.

This is why I am booking consults with Dr. Steven Levine. I am reading articles about Korean plastic surgery. I am not on Ozempic. She's like, but it just shows in your face. I'm like, girl, this is what over 40 looks like. Enjoy it while you can. We all eventually start to get what now children have been radicalized into calling Ozempic face.

But I'm not going to do it too soon. I don't obsess about it. It's not like it bothers me. I think my face is still like my skin quality. So the elasticity is one thing. But the quality, because I stayed out of the sun my whole life, is still holding in there. So I'm going to ride that out for five years. A list came out yesterday.

And I had a lot of mixed feelings about it, actually. It was a list of the top grossing comedians of 2024. And I could see in the thumbnail that this was a list of men. And that doesn't surprise me, actually, because, you know, women don't stand a chance when a huge part of the population still refuses to believe that women are funny.

And in that context, like those people are right. Comedy is subjective. So you can't say like, yes, women are funny. I'll prove it to you. No. If someone's brain will not accept comedy from a woman, then the woman is not funny to them. Comedy is received, not given. So just because I think women are funny, it doesn't mean that universally people even have the capacity. You know what I mean? It's like a tree falling in the woods.

Like they can't hear it. And there are people worldwide, men and women and non-binary people, but probably fewer of those because most of them probably find women funny. But like cisgendered women and men,

Just will never... Like, even if you took a man's joke that they thought was the greatest joke ever when they saw Burt Kreutzer tell it with his shirt off and you had, like, the funniest woman in the world tell that joke, they'd be like, no. No. No, it's pathetic, really. She's trying too hard. She has this epic face. So, like...

You know, what can we do? There won't be women on that list unless and until there's a shift in the world that people can even receive comedy from a woman at all. And no other demographic does this, by the way. So Joe Coy is on the list. I'm going to get to the list. He's number 10. In 83 shows, guess how much money he's made? Yeah, $26 million in 83 shows. I don't even start doing the math on that.

I don't know what he's making like 300 grand a show. That's my guess. Imagine that was right. Okay, what's 26 million divided by 83? I'd be so impressed with myself. Okay, 26 million. Yes. Divided by 83 equals. Yes, it's like 313 grand a show. I am like a genius. I am almost as smart as a man. So one of the things that makes Joe Coy very commercial is

and like lucrative as a comedian and popular, even though we did see him recently bomb at the Golden Globes. And I defended him when that happened because I was like, look, it's tough to get jokes past the gatekeepers, though it hasn't happened yet. But Nikki Glaser is set to host the 2025 Golden Globes and she's going to be fucking hilarious. Spoiler alert, is Nikki Glaser on this list? No, she's not. Is Nikki Glaser funnier than Joe Coy? I mean, I

I shouldn't speak ill of other comedians because I think Joe Coy is very funny, but of course Nikki Glaser is funnier than Joe Coy. Nikki Glaser is not only one of the hardest working comedians on the planet, she is aesthetically, like traditionally beautiful to look at, which is apparently what audiences want, though maybe not from a comedian.

She has a perfect body. She's really relatable. She podcasts. She can act. She's been in loads of films. She was on Dancing with the Stars. She can dance. And it is true that a woman has to do like 50,000 things incredibly well to get like a third of the credit. None of these other men can do what, well, some of them are very good that I'm about to get to. But even Joe Coy would be like, yes, Nikki Glaser is funnier than me and works harder than me. But can she pull in the same numbers? No, she can't. And why? Because she's not Filipino.

And there are certain demographics who will just love their own no matter what. If you are a talented Filipino person, then you can bet every single person in the Philippines is coming to see you. They're telling their friends, they're downloading your albums, they're buying your merch, they're spending money on you. And I admire that about Filipino people. And there are lots like Mexican. Okay, let's get to the Mexicans. Adam Sandler, 27 million. He's

People are seeing him because of the nostalgia. I love him too. Jerry Seinfeld, obviously 27.8. Trevor Noah made almost $30 million this year. And he's very funny. Again, I don't think he's as funny as Amy Schumer, if you're asking me, but he's very funny and he works hard. He's a gentleman. Bert Kreutzer is very popular in the podcasting platform.

He's funny. I'm sure he puts on a good show. In 64 shows, he made almost $30 million. Sebastian Menescalco. Very funny. Very Italian-Canadian. I don't know if he's American. He's not Canadian. Italian-American. Physical comedian.

he would put on a great show, like a big arena, physical, really funny, funny, funny show. He made $36.5 million in 53 shows. And again, Italians. So the reason I thought he was Canadian for a minute is because Sebastian and I

We're both on a Just for Laughs gala in Montreal at the Just for Laughs Festival in Canada a few years ago. And I bombed because I had just been going through a breakup that I was actually sad about. One of many breakups with this man who's now my friend, but I was sad. And all these Italians had come out to see him. And I heard a figure while I was there. I can't substantiate this as being definitely true. But there are apparently more Italians in Montreal than in New York City.

And it's like the second biggest population of Italians outside of Italy. And they all filled that theater to see Sebastian. And they were just waiting for him. And I was on the bill. I didn't do very well. Like that is fair. But also I was the only thing standing in between them and a good time. So they were pissed off and they really hated me. And then Sebastian did something that I actually, you know, you do what you have to do to get a laugh and to keep the show going. But I didn't think it was very professional. Um,

Because the show is a sum of its parts. It's not like we're competing against each other to have the best set. It's like one show. He was hosting. It was his gala. Everybody was excited to see him, of course. So he didn't need to do this to get the show back. His presence would have been enough to get people excited again. But he comes on stage after I went off and he said, let's clean up this mess, which I was like, all right. You know that I'm like a more novice comedian than you.

You know that I am like starting out nervous, having a bad day. You didn't need to do that. You didn't need to like dunk on me after I'd done so badly. It's really punching down. But anyway, he did that. Whatever. He's really funny. Cat Williams made $37.5 million this year. He...

uh, has been speaking a lot of interesting, I mean, you could call it truth to power. He's got a Netflix special. He went viral on this Shannon Sharp, I believe it was podcast talking about all the Diddy stuff. He's not afraid to call stuff out. He said he was, um, invited to Diddy parties or like not to go to Diddy parties or he just, he had a really funny joke. He said, Oprah took so much Ozempic, even Gail lost a couple of pounds.

He's funny. And I think what people are really looking for with stand-up is that, like, who knows what's going to happen in the room type of feeling. Because television for a while has been so sanitized. Like, even I'm falling out of love with, like, left-wing liberal media. I think it's so woke in some places that...

Some of it's very well made and very interesting, and I am engaged by it, but it just feels like I find it difficult to connect and nothing is spontaneous. And that's what you certainly will get from a Cat Williams show. So that's great. Gabriel Iglesias, again, the Hispanic community will go out to see him. 42.8 million. Matt Rife is number two. Matt Rife made almost $58 million doing 256 shows this year. So he's been very busy on tour.

I contributed to some of that 58 million. And I mean, he's having a moment. This should be a push, I think, to all of us that we need to get active on TikTok, as active as we can be. And I think Matt Reif has a lot of charm. Crowd work is kind of like riding a wave.

And you don't always know when that wave is going to happen. But a lot of the time, if it's not edited on TikTok, you're just sat in audience like watching someone paddle for a while. And even that's exciting. Again, it's the spontaneity. Number one, Nate Bargatze. Now, I have heard this name. I didn't recognize his face. I think he looks like Chris McCausland, who just won Strictly. He's American, obviously. He made over $82 million this year. And I think he's a clean comedian.

I don't, I should know him. Like it is my responsibility to kind of know what's going on in comedy, but like, I don't know how he's making this money, but good for him. Let's learn a little bit about Bargatze. He's an American standup comedian and actor. He's 45. He's clean. He avoids profanity. What is his main, like, he's from Nashville, Tennessee. He has a book. I mean, look, whatever he's doing, he's Grammy nominated.

He's widely known for his clean and relatable for all age groups. Well, there you go. So you can go one of two ways if you want to be number one or number two on that list. You could be Matt Rife, who's absolutely not clean and not for all ages, or Nate Bergazzi. I don't know if he's super active on social media. I imagine that he is. If he's not, then how the hell is he getting out there earning $82 million in a year? But I posted this on my stories when I saw it. And without even clicking through the link, I was like, there are not going to be any women on this list. And of course there aren't.

Whitney Cummings is another one who's just so talented, such a good joke writer. Really, really hardworking, really should, I think, be on that list. But she had a baby this year and probably isn't touring as much. But Nikki Glaser's been on tour. I mean, this is what kills me is I just think we're not there yet. It doesn't make me angry because I do anticipate like that's fair enough.

for now, but I do see it changing in the future. And to change it, I think what we need is women. I don't care about the men, what the men think and feel like they'll come round. They get dragged to things by their girlfriends and wives. And I know this because I have their girlfriends and wives in my audience.

And I think it's women that we really need to break through somehow. Leanne Morgan is really wonderful on Instagram and probably TikTok, though I don't spend as much time on there. She's so warm and relatable and Southern. And I think there are a lot of women who would not identify as feminists, women who would say, oh, I don't think women are funny, but they would like Leanne Morgan. She's like a gateway woman. We need more gateway women.

Ellen's special I thought was really great this year because it's the women that we need to crack. So like I was saying earlier, the Filipino community will support a Filipino comedian. The Hispanic community will go out and see a Hispanic comedian. But women are the ones. Women are the ones who are like, I just, I don't think women are funny. Really? You don't know any funny women in your life? You're not funny yourself? And some of them aren't. They would rather go and see Matt Rife. Maybe there's something about women

like straight women that they equate being funny with being sexy. Maybe there's something like attractive about it that they just can't see in a woman if they're not like lesbian or bi. I have no idea because I think women are funny. But what I take away from that article is actually really positive. I think it's great that people are spending like a billion dollars seeing stand-up comedy this year. And I think that...

Stand-up comedy as an art form can only be on the rise. People are watching less television. People are streaming podcasts. People are loving social media. But that is just an avenue for us to advertise our live shows because AI can't really replicate that yet. We'll go out and we'll see live comedy. We'll have a night. We'll have drinks. We'll go to dinner. And people want to be in the moment with a comedian that they know and recognize from TikTok usually.

And they want to be like, okay, who knows what's going to happen in this room? It's never going to happen again. It's not going to happen tomorrow. I might have an interaction. I might see something. Someone might say something that I would never hear on television. I think stand-up comedy is in a really, really good place.

And I think all of these men that I mentioned on the list are really, really hardworking and talented. And they've all made it kind of in very nuanced, different ways. And I applaud them for their success. And I definitely feel motivated. I think this year is going to be the year of me as a boomer, like really cringe fully leaning into my social media presence. Because why not? And I'll tell you someone else who really does that well.

Do you guys listen to the Newlyweds podcast with Jamie Lang and his beautiful wife, Sophie Habou? They have a production company and they just did like a Bridget Jones Christmas sketch on their Instagram. And they just, they really work hard at creating content. And I would never want to call myself like a content creator, but it's like, okay, if I want to reach people, they're going to be in bed hiding from their children under a blanket, watching TikTok with the captions on. That's where I need to be.

And I'm so grateful to have the podcast, but this is like, you just got to keep pushing and growing. And I don't know if I will be on that list one day. It is unlikely because I have too many kids and I want to have more. But Nikki Glaser, I need to see Nikki Glaser on that list next year. And women are the ones that we need to crack because you are standing in the way of your own people.

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We're going to do some emails today, get into the dilemmas because the inbox over Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanzaa has been heating up.

Joanne has titled this document, Vicar's Affairs and More Affairs. Catherine, she says, there were two big recurring themes in the inbox this week. One, the vicar. It's probably safe to note at this point, we're talking about the Church of England. We received very helpful advice from loads of listeners, including practicing vicars, vicars' wives, and Anglicans alike. The second recurring theme in your emails has been big, perhaps due to the holidays, affairs.

Either people knowingly in affairs or accidentally finding out they were the other they want to know. When do we resort to telling the deceived spouse? I have a controversial take on this. I always have because they won't always believe you and people do shoot the messenger and you could be stirring up drama for yourself and wasting your own time. But there are scenarios where my mind could be changed on that. So let's read the letters.

Letter number one, a female vicar says to call the fucking police. She didn't say fuck, but I did. Catherine, I'm a vicar and an avid listener of the podcast. I'm a woman in my 30s. I'm very safely in your demographic. And I bet this woman goes to see female comedy shows.

For the woman whose mom's vicar is abusing his power, absolutely call the police. That is the right thing to do and should hopefully trigger a formal disciplinary process for the vicar if the police do their job. However, it may not be classed as a criminal case or the police may not, for whatever reason, act on it. And in that case, you could trigger a CDM-2003.

CDM stands for clergy disciplinary measure, which will go straight to the vicar's supervisor and is a legal process where the vicar will go to tribunal. Here's a link to an explanation and the form you can fill. I'm going to send you this link. It's a Church of England link. Click through to like leadership and governance and then legal resources and then clergy discipline, which is also a porn category.

If you are worried about confidentiality, well she is, so I'm glad you mentioned it, I wouldn't report it to parish safeguarding, as parish safeguarding officers are volunteers from the church, so they're not senior to the vicar. Good advice.

Some are excellent and would do the right thing, but some might share it with the vicar or they might even know your mom personally, which could add complications. With the CDM, you do need to provide personal details, but in my experience, the information is handled well. If you really don't want to do that, you could find out who his bishop, archdeacon, and diocese safeguarding officers are and email them the evidence with your mom's name blocked out. Although not the official route, I think...

I think with all the bad press at the moment that would scare them into a CDM. So that's not the official route, but yeah, there's been bad press for a while and especially now. And this is, I think, why people are reluctant to even report it. They're like, well, don't these people cover up for each other? But I think it's important to consider that a few bad apples might not mean that everyone is going to sweep this shit under the rug.

The church system is an ancient one with huge flaws and still not up to scratch. I personally believe that safeguarding should be outsourced. Yeah. And the archbishop should absolutely have resigned over his failure to act sufficiently in the past, but it has got a lot better in the last few years. And I don't think you would find any diocese where if those three people are all informed now, nothing would be done.

It broke my heart when you said the church is known for covering up its clergy because awfully, that is so clearly true historically and in parts of the church still. As we know from lots of walks of life, certain roles attract people who want to abuse the power that comes with those roles.

But what I see currently with most of the clergy I work with is a genuine commitment to safeguarding vulnerable people, a high level of safeguarding training and increased vetting in the organization for new people coming through. And little churches just trying to do good things for the communities with vicars who would absolutely want their colleagues who are making the church unsafe to be ousted. Hope the mum is safe and this man doesn't get away with it.

I mean, this is 10 out of 10. This is the best advice we ever could have received. I have nothing to add to this. A female vicar in her 30s should be proof enough that things are changing for the better. Things are headed in the right direction. And this woman's absolutely right. This guy can't be only abusing your mom in this way. It is an abuse of power and it should be investigated. And these are some really helpful routes for you to do that. And now from a vicar's wife, hopefully not the naughty vicar's wife.

His behavior clearly fits the bill for serious misconduct defined in the Clergy Code of Conduct. It should have serious consequences for his job. The Clergy Code of Conduct states this:

The clergy are called to an exemplary standard of moral behavior. This goes beyond what is legally acceptable. A distinction can be made between what is legal and what is morally acceptable. There is no separation between the public and home life of the clergy. At all times and in all places, they should manifest the highest standards of personal conduct. Yes, and if you can't do that and you want to be running around town having affairs, okay, you can't be a vicar.

The code of conduct also includes rules about the misuse of power and abuse of power dynamics in a vicar's relationship with his or her parishers. Parishioners, sorry. Sending Vic Dick pics to married women in your parish. All these people are cool. Vicar's are cool. Vicar's wives are cool. They're using the term Vic Dick pics from last week.

Sending Vic Dick pics to a married woman in your parish does not fit the vibe in the code of conduct to say the least. Vickers who are found to have broken the code of conduct can be subject to clergy discipline measures and potentially lose their jobs. You know what? I don't think that we should just rest on, oh, well, it's all been quite messy in the past and I don't really know what to do and I don't want to make trouble for my mom. Like, of course you don't.

But this man needs to be taken out of his position of power. And there are a lot of women, it seems, in this community of Church of England who want the best for you. They want the best for your mom and they want the best for your church. And so even though someone in the community is abusing her family, other people through the podcast from your community of good church members are pointing you in the right direction. So there will be more people like that.

Catherine, do I reveal our lesbian affair to her husband? Catherine, I've been having an affair with my married colleague for three months. For context, I'm a woman and my colleague is a woman who's married to a man and they've been together for seven years. She said that we could initially get together because her husband said she was allowed to get with women and that it wasn't cheating. I think a lot of men would agree.

They're less intimidated when there's not another penis involved. It's like sword fighting. You know, they will think, well, this woman is unarmed. So...

I don't know what it is, if they find it sexy or if they just don't find it intimidating. But a lot of men absolutely would see it as cheating. So initially she said her husband was cool with it. Okay, but then it kept going. She didn't tell him and said she wanted to keep it a secret. It's been a full-on affair. Not only sex, but we've said I love you and we've done things people in relationships do. She said when she's at home, she's thinking of me, but that she will never divorce him because she wants kids again.

and thinks he will be a good dad and is loyal to him. What era is she living in? Lesbians can have kids with each other, lady. And like, oh, why do this to him? See, now you've got me feeling sorry for a man. So this woman is in love with you. She's being very hurtful to everyone. She's like, I want kids. Obviously, you can't give me kids. Huh?

And she wants to give have children with this man under false pretenses because this poor guy thinks, oh, my wife loves me so much. And she gets up to a little like lesbian business here and there. But we're having children together. And these children would presumably be brought into quite a complicated relationship.

And their mother is in love with someone else. And then the guy's like, oh, well, I thought my wife loved me and was having kids with me for that reason. But I am just like a sperm donor to her. Oh, God.

She pursued me in the office when I joined, and following a breakup myself, I thought it would just be a fun thing to do. But now our affair has become so toxic. I'm constantly insecure around her, I crave her affection, constantly wanting more, it upsets me daily, and I feel inferior, like I'll never be as good as a man. I want to tell her husband, but I know that would be risky and a mean thing to do, and I would be doing it mainly because I'm hurt."

And we work together, and this is a new job for me that I do enjoy. This relationship is impossible to end because we work together. We've tried several times to end it, but maybe I need better boundaries. Thoughts of what I should do, my self-esteem is on the floor. Yeah, exactly. So this woman is playing fast and loose with everyone's feelings. Um, well...

obviously I'm going to tell you that you should end it. I don't think you need to tell her husband. He is none of your concern. He really is not in this case. And you are doing it motivated by mean spiritedness. And that's just not who you are. That's never going to sit right with you. And you're just causing more lesbian drama if you do that.

So you just need to, through like strength and therapy and whatever else it takes, get some sponsors in your life, either someone at work that you trust or a friend who doesn't work with you or someone to like prop you up in doing this. You need to go cold turkey off this woman and you need to have a serious chat and just be like, I want to keep my job. Our relationship is toxic.

and it's making me feel badly about myself, and that's not the kind of relationship that I want to be in. So I would appreciate if you don't pursue me anymore, and we try to have some civility in the office because I want to keep working here. And I don't know if, I don't know what I would do.

Because surely, unless one of you is like the boss, it's not illegal to have this or, you know, against company policy to have this relationship at work. So maybe you could even get HR involved. You could be like, look, maybe we need to sit down with HR and find out a way that we cannot see each other and work together. And if she hears you say that, she'll be like, okay, okay, like, I don't want to do that. So I will just like be professional with you.

But yeah, you do need better boundaries. You got it right the first time. You need boundaries because...

In life, whether you work with someone or not, everyone is so accessible now. There is always a chance that you're going to get drunk one night and text an ex or everyone is on the apps. You could re-download it. You could block someone, but unblock them and message them. They could just call you out of the blue. You can be reached 24 hours a day, anytime, anywhere, anyplace. So working together, it's hard, but it's just as hard to know, to recognize that you're in any toxic relationship

and place boundaries on your social media, on your phone, on your behavior. And yeah, I mean, it's not going to be easy to do, but that is absolutely the right thing. And then if you tell her husband, it's just going to get messy, just definitely don't do that. Just distance yourself from this woman. And listen, you can offer a woman every single thing and more than a man can. And I think you need to get your self-esteem back by looking at yourself and be like, you know what? How dare you?

Act like, oh, well, first I'll just mess around with you. And then actually I love you, but I want things that like you can't give me. And I'm going to leave you hanging like a little mouse in my game and go back to my husband and make a family with him while I'm gaslighting you into thinking we're in love. No, you don't deserve to be treated that way. So you need to ditch this lady. Catherine, I'm the other woman. And I found out about the other other woman. Oh my gosh.

That is just like the film starring Leslie Mann, Cameron Diaz, Nicki Minaj, and then that really hot Sports Illustrated model whose name I forget, called The Other Woman.

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Click ranger.com or just stop by. Ranger, for the ones who get it done. Catherine, I've been seeing a guy who's already in a relationship. He told me just last week that he was going to tell his partner and tell her he wanted to see other people. He told me he enjoyed our time together and wanted to continue seeing me. Fast forward to tonight. He arrives back from a trip with his said partner and kids. He messaged me saying he can no longer see me because he's met someone else.

He had been seeing us both at the same time. The person he's met is someone from his past, an old flame who his current partner has always been jealous of. The dilemma I have now is, do I anonymously tell his partner that he's cheating? Do I tell her and blow up his life? Because let's be honest, he deserves it.

Has he spent the last few months using me and has zero intention of telling his partner anyway? His plan is to continue the relationship behind her back with this old flame. He told me he can't tell her in case she throws him out. I really need advice from someone outside this shit show. Well, the first thing you need to do is literally go watch that movie, The Other Woman, because I'll tell you what the women do in that is they... So Cameron Diaz is like the first...

affair woman and she goes looking for the man he has a house in Connecticut she knocks on his door and his wife answers the door and the wife is like huh and Cameron Diaz is like huh and they end up being friends and they make a plan to get him because he's also you know dishonest people do loads of dishonest things so he's like embezzling money he's doing lots of bad things they want to get him and when they go to get him they find him again with another other woman

And it turns out, I'm not going to spoil the movie for you. It is a real Oscar-worthy biopic. But I think I always want you to get the best for yourself without unnecessarily hurting innocent parties. You have to remember there are kids involved. And without putting yourself in any danger or making a situation more dramatic. You can never assume what happens.

A wife knows or doesn't know. This is where I get confused about it because some women do choose to turn a blind eye. And it's not until you confront them that then like shit really hits the fan and they end up sticking by him anyway because they really knew all along, but now they're mad at you. And that's what I don't want to happen. But he's been playing you both, it seems. And this is just the kind of person that he is. So you could...

think maybe of a way to teach him a lesson. But a lot of that just does create drama for you. It's not a Hollywood film. You know what I mean? It can be traced back to you. You could be hurting some children and hurting a family involved. And the best thing to do is always self-preservation. So he was telling you he was going to tell the wife, but really he, because these men hide in plain sight. He was like auditioning on you.

Oh, I'm going to tell my wife. I'm going to be with you. I'm going to end things with her. But he was just like seeing how that would play out. And now he's doing it to you and staying with the old flame woman. I don't think you should tell anyone.

I don't. I'm going to stick by my thing. I think it's easier for you. You can move forward with good karma. Just like wash your hands of this man. A lesson learned. That's not maybe the exciting answer. Maybe you'll have a different view when you watch the film, but I just don't want to put you in danger. I can't like in good conscience on this podcast be like, here's what you need to do. You need to like go over there in a sexy outfit and blah, blah, blah. You need to tell the new woman and you two worked against him to let his wife know. And the three of you women can be like best friends, girl power, whatever.

I worry about it. And I think sometimes the most boring answer is just to walk away. And that keeps you the safest. Catherine, can I send a post-breakup invoice? I recently ended things with my boyfriend of five years. It was messy, upsetting, but it was ultimately the right direction for both of us.

Useful context, he left his job earlier this year and since then he hasn't contributed to any household bills. He said he would pay me back once he got a job, but he stayed unemployed for eight months. There were definitely some mental health struggles going on, but he hated talking about it and he started shutting me out.

In the first week post-breakup, he messaged me a lot. He was always in a different mood, but I decided to keep it polite and civil while he unpacked his emotions. All was fine until I got a message saying he thought the way I treated him was disgusting and that I've scarred him for life.

He'll, quote, never be able to love again, end quote. And the only thing stopping him from blocking me was the money he owed me. He confirmed he would aim to pay me within the few first months of 2025. And then after he paid me back, he never wanted to speak to me again.

Then he told me he hated me and I had one more chance to convince him to pay me. Otherwise, he would block me and I would never see the money. I didn't reply. Less than 24 hours later, he sent a final message along the lines of, being the good guy has gotten me nowhere. See ya. And blocked me on everything.

My question is, do I bother trying to get my money back? It's quite a lot and will make a big difference if I don't get it. I have the evidence I need to take legal action, but is it worth the stress? It's so much stress. And if you take legal action, you could just end up losing even more money than you're owed. I suppose it doesn't cost much, presumably, to take him to small claims court. Maybe listeners will have better advice on this than I do. I can only tell you my experience. And...

There were past relationships that I like wouldn't talk about too much because I tried to maintain a certain distance. I didn't want to stitch anybody up too badly, but like there was one relationship where, I mean, like you guys know I've never received child support. Yes. Never. And obviously I don't need it now. I am successful and my daughter is nearly 16, but when she was small, um,

I definitely needed it. And even just like in principle, I felt that it should be contributed, not for me, but for her. I just felt like that was fair. And I felt like she would grow up even like opening a bank account that we had said, like, he put all this money aside for you. Here it is. And like, maybe he's independently doing that somewhere. Who knows? But I just thought it was the right thing.

And not just for me, but for her and for her self-worth and all these different things. I just thought that was the right thing to do. And so I tried to get that. And you would think like, he's her dad. He's on the birth certificate. That'll be fine. I'll get that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. People can wiggle around and move and hide. And it's so like demoralizing to go to these places

Child support is now under the same umbrella of the like DWP, I think it's called, where you go to get like disability benefits and stuff. And they just it's very dehumanizing. And I feel so blessed that I had an insight into that world.

I think it's always really good to know firsthand what people are going through. And I think about still like what some people are still going through and the bureaucracy and to be treated like a dog, like begging for scraps. That's how it felt. It was really dehumanizing. And I love that I'm not just like from a rich family. I had a nice life. I married rich. I got a great job. Like I love that I have been there and been made to feel that way.

awful, shameful feeling and to be told like, no, again and again, and to pay for my own legal representation and to fight for what I believed was right and to learn that what's right doesn't always happen. And then my therapist, who I've spoken about a lot, Pam, who I haven't seen in a long time, but I should really reconnect with and wish a happy new year too. She was like, you know what, there's winning the battle and winning the war. And sometimes if you just leave it,

You've invested so much time and so much effort, but you just leave it and you lose like you take a loss and it makes them feel like they've won and then they don't try to win against you for something else. You just walk away and it sucks. But oh, well. So I think I mean, I don't even know how much it cost me trying to get there.

that in place. But lots, lots of time, lots of money, lots of like dignity and self-respect. Like I hated going there. It was just, I would say, and this is as someone who had no money, if I could do it all again, I wouldn't have bothered. I don't know. I'm glad I bothered because it taught me lessons, but like

Your peace of mind and your honor and access to you is priceless. And already this man has used this money that he owes you as a tether to be like, I'm going to keep speaking to you and then I'm going to block you. And you might get the money if you convince me one more time. And oh, here I'll be nice and now I'll be mean. Oh, being nice doesn't work. It's like all those conversations, if you had just blocked him from the beginning, the first abusive thing he said to you, none of those conversations would have had to happen.

And like, I'm sorry that he didn't work for eight months and he had mental health issues. But the reality is like you guys were in a partnership back then. And I don't know, maybe a legal institution could look at that and be like, you were supporting him during that time. Like he would have supported you if the shoe were on the other foot, like call it a wash. If I were you, I would call it a wash and use the karma to propel yourself forward into the life that I have now, because that is accessible to you and you deserve that and you can get that.

And I think luck and karma got me a lot of the way here, just being like, okay. And that included a lot of like eating shit and losses like that. I don't want you to have any entanglements with this man. And I feel bad for him. Like he's been out of work for eight months. He has bad mental health. He's obviously heartbroken. Like anyone's heartbroken in the end of a relationship. But

I don't know. I don't think it is worth getting your money. And I know how valuable money is, especially now, but your peace of mind and your distance from someone who speaks to you this way is worth even more. You could try to do it with like mediators in place so you never actually speak to him, but there might come a time where you have to like go to a building and see him face to face. You could try to get a judgment from small claims court, but it's like,

I think if you can, if you can afford it, I would chalk this up to a lesson learned and don't pay for another man to sit on your sofa for eight months would be my advice going forward. God bless you. Merry gentlemen. Have a lovely new year. I will be here twice a week, every week.

If I remember. And I would encourage you to please keep looking out for each other. Thank you to all the vicars and vicars wives and parishioners who wrote in with that advice. I can't wait to see how this turns out. Young lady whose mom is sexting the vicar. Give us an update. We're waiting for it. We want it.

Loads of affairs. Fa la la la la. This holiday season. I hope that everyone feels safe and happy where they are. And I'll see you soon. Please send me an email anytime you want. Telling everybody everything at gmail.com.

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Click ranger.com or just stop by. Ranger, for the ones who get it done. If you're a facilities manager at a university, you know students rely on the cafeteria for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and the occasional late night snack. So when a dishwasher breaks down and dirty plates pile up, the mess hall can turn messy in the blink of an eye.

Enter Grainger. With over a million industrial-grade products and fast delivery, the product you need now is never far away. So you can turn that dishwasher back into a lean, clean washing machine. Call, click Grainger.com, or just stop by. Grainger, for the ones who get it done.