719 - A Verbis Ad Verbera
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From luminary and atypical artists, you're listening to The College Tapes. This is episode 19, A Verbis Ad Verbera, by Brigham Snow. Resolve to earn your degree in the new year in the Valley with WGU. With courses available online 24-7 and monthly start dates, WGU offers maximum flexibility so you can focus on your future. Learn more at wgu.edu.

What were you thinking? I was thinking if I could keep the book from hurting anybody else that I had to try something. Just keep still. Oh, Caleb. I'm fine. Just got a little headache, that's all. You probably got a concussion. You're bleeding. Guess the stone floor won. This isn't funny, Caleb. You could have died. I'm fine. Look at me. I'm fine. What happened? I told you. Blackwell has the book. He knew I was going to be here. How?

He said he did something to it, like the book was always going to end up here. Here? The tower here? Yeah. Fuck, that hurts. Just keep sitting. Caleb, if he has the book... I know, I know. This is bad. I know. How did he knock you out? Did he sneak up on you? No, we were talking. Well, no, he was monologuing and he cold cocked me. Fucking hurt. How is that even possible? Why didn't you fight back? I didn't want to hurt him.

Caleb. He's an old guy. But that doesn't matter. I don't want to hurt anybody. You need to defend yourself. Last time I defended myself, I almost killed a guy. You were defending me, and that's different. No. No, it isn't. Is that what happened in the library? I don't want to talk about last night.

Caleb. I don't want- You need to talk to me. Why do I need to talk to you? Caleb. No, really, why? Because we're friends and I care about you. Even when you're frustrated making dumb decisions. That's what I do, right? Just dumb decisions one after the other. Well, you didn't end up here for making the right decisions. Wow. Yeah, okay. Thanks for confirming the last three years of my life. Talk to me, Caleb. I feel like I'm paralyzed, Adam.

I'm afraid what my body or my power is going to do at any given moment, and if I start, I don't know if I can get them to stop. What do you mean your power? What's wrong? A lot has changed, Adam, since we were in high school. You don't think I know that? Fuck. Okay, we need to- Caleb, when you called me, you didn't sound like yourself. What's going on? I'll be fine. I can handle it. I was handling it. Yeah, no. Lying on the floor unconscious. Masterful strategy, Caleb. I was going to destroy the book.

How? Why up here? I don't know. It must have been whatever Blackwell did to it to keep it returning to the tower. The book speaks. It wants you to listen, and I think it told me. I don't know. You have conversations with the book? No, not exactly. Just...

I'm fine. Forget it. We need to call- Stop. Just stop, okay? What is going on? We need to tell everybody what's happened. Stop. Adam. No, enough. You call me in the middle of the night, you tell me you're going to destroy the book when I didn't even know you had the book, and when you were supposed to be home with me, with all of us, after everything that's happened, how could you- Beck and Mark and Oliver had the book under control. They didn't. How do you know that?

Now you tell me you've been using it? Using it how? What have you been doing? Nothing. I told you, I tried to destroy it. I meant before tonight. I've been gone, Adam. I was back in Boston. You made fucking sure of that. What is that supposed to mean? You and Caitlin weren't exactly dying to keep us all around. This last week, we had midterms. You had midterms. Ben needed to see their parents, obviously. Yeah, but what if I wanted to stay?

Did you? You didn't want me to stay. I want you to do whatever you want to do. You're your own person, Caleb. Whatever. I was in Boston. I wasn't doing anything with the book. I'm talking about before you all left. Does this all have to do with when you met Oliver the morning everyone showed up? Did it talk to you then? I can't believe I'm saying this. So the book talks? It talks. Like...

Like, "Hi, I'm a book. Nice to meet you. What's your name?" Be serious. I am. You're just not telling me what the fuck you mean when a literal book speaks!

Have you and Oliver been playing with this thing the whole time? I wasn't playing with it. This isn't a game, Adam. Then you tell me what it is, Caleb, because I have more questions than answers at the moment, and you're sitting on the floor, bleeding from your head, and I don't know what to do. So tell me what I should do here. Trust me. How can you say that? Don't, Adam. How can you expect me to trust you when all you've done is lie to me? That's unfair. It's incredibly unfair. I didn't lie to you. Yes, you did. We need to call everybody and come up with a game plan.

No. Don't push me, Adam. What, like how you pushed me? Fuck that! How you pushed me away? How you just keep pushing me away? I was trying to keep you safe! From what? A book that was safely with Mark and Oliver in the first place? Chatty Paige is notwithstanding? Plus, I called you here, remember? I chose to bring you here. Yeah, and why did you do that? You know why. No, I don't! You call me up and you tell me there's something atypical going on. You call me after we've been broken up for a year. And what?

You figured because there's some atypical bullshit afoot, I have to be a part of it? Like maybe I heard something at the last meeting or something? The last atypical group text or some shit? I was scared. I was scared too! I'm always scared. Have you ever stopped to consider that? Like ever?

I'm scared that we're just going to keep doing this! Doing what? Going round and round in circles like we can't get away from each other's gravity. It didn't work last time and I was finally getting over it and what you did was fucking unfair! What I did was unfair? What about the DMs you sent me over the past year? Was that you finally getting over it?

God, you always done this. Done what? This push and pull, hot and cold, I want you but I'm not good for you bullshit. Don't put words in my mouth. I'm not. It's literally been the same thing for as long as I've known you. You've always unilaterally decided what's best for me. Like I have no say in the matter. Like I'm some fragile thing that you have to protect and I don't want that. Then if you don't need to be protected, why am I here? You called me. And you came. You always do. So what do you want? I don't know. You didn't want me to come here.

No, I did. I thought I did. I still do. You just make me so crazy. How do you think I feel? I don't know, Caleb. You're the one with the powers. I'm doing the best I can here, but you won't let me in. Go ahead. Use your powers. Tell me what I'm feeling right now. I'm not doing that. What are you afraid of? That you feel what I'm feeling? No, that you feel what I'm feeling. What does that even mean? You want to know why this has been so hard? Why we broke up?

Why I'm sitting here looking at you and all I want you to do is... Fuck it. All I want is for you to hold me and kiss me, but I can't. I just... I fucking can't. Why not? Because I don't trust it. Trust what? Any of it. What if it isn't real? Caleb. A lot has changed since high school. You keep saying that, but what does that even mean? You...

Us? Your powers? You don't like Thai food anymore? What do you even fucking mean, Caleb? Drop the vague tap dance and tell me what you're not telling me. So I can understand. Please. I can make people feel things now. What? I can make people feel things. What do you mean? What's been going on with me, it's been going on for a while. Over a year ago, I started accidentally making people feel how I wanted them to feel. Or at least how I hoped they'd feel on their own.

I don't know. I don't know how it works and it doesn't make any sense, but it happened at the AM after you pushed me into shadowing there. I pushed you? Yeah, you did. So this is my fault somehow? No, that's not what I'm saying.

That's what it sounds like. Well, I didn't want to fucking go there in the first place, but you kept pushing and pushing and I figured you wanted your space. That's not what I wanted. I just wanted you to feel like you belong somewhere. You were having a hard time at BU and I just thought- That doesn't matter! This isn't the point of what I'm trying to tell you, Adam. I never wanted to push you into something you didn't want, Caleb. Look, when we were first- I mean, way back when I was falling for you, I had this fear.

This fear that your feelings, your crush on me or whatever was what made me fall for you. No, you said they were your feelings. And they were. I was wrong. And I knew they were mine because even when you weren't around, I couldn't stop thinking about you. And then I fell in love with you and it was the best feeling in the world. But when this new thing started happening, I started to think that maybe it was the

The other way around this whole time. And then it happened again this past summer after I thought I got a handle on it. And then I did it to Ben weeks ago and... I don't understand. You're an empath. You don't make people feel things. Apparently that's part of the advanced package. Okay, wow. This is a lot to process, but I still don't see why this means you had to break up with me. What if you don't? Didn't...

Really love me. What if I put those feelings there? What? It's not how this works. That... How do you know? You're not atypical.

Which you remind me of every chance you get. You just can't understand! No, no, I understand perfectly. I don't have agency of my own apparently, so our whole relationship was just some weird projection on your part, and I wasn't completely gutted when you ended things. You weren't! And I wasn't the only one to end things. You were fine with it. You basically pushed me out the door. You think I pushed? That's not how it happened!

I watched you pull away. I encouraged you to get to know more atypicals because it was so obvious to me that you needed more. And then I saw how you'd rather spend time with other people like you and surrounded yourself with them and you're basically Mark's little brother. You still paint with Chloe. You got Frankie and Ben and everyone else before them and I wasn't enough. It's not- What are you talking about? I watched you fall out of love with me. Adam, this is ridiculous. It's not. It's my life, which may seem ridiculous to you, but- That's not fair.

I watched you pull away and you stopped including me in all of your atypical stuff and then you told me you wanted to break up. You wanted to break up with me! Only because you wanted to break up with me! And I told myself it made sense! High school sweethearts are a dumb concept. Nobody really finds a person before they're 18. That's idiotic, right?

We end up together because we were born the same year and therefore have the same English teacher of verbis ad verberis, so we're forever? It's stupid to think that a crush in high school is a real life endgame. If you felt this way the whole time, then I guess it's good we didn't stay together. I felt this way because you made me. See, this is what I'm saying. Not like that.

You left me alone and I had to come up with some reason for why it didn't work out and Sadie made me realize that it's all bullshit. Everything I've told myself, everything you've been doing, it's all a distraction. It doesn't matter. Fuck, I spent the past year wishing something bad had happened. Something that would make me hate you so I could make sense of why it all ended. But instead, I was stuck with this weird, fizzle-out gray area that doesn't make any sense. Like,

Why the fuck aren't we together? Tell me I did something horrible or you fell for someone else or something because I keep going back to try and figure out why you just walked away from us and I don't understand it. Fuck, dude. Don't dude me. We're the only fucking people on the planet who can have a fight about how we love each other. I don't fucking get it. On the phone earlier when you called you said you loved me so why are we fighting right now? Because I don't know what's real!

Fuck, I'm not being dramatic. I'm serious. It's like someone stomped on my inner compass and I don't know if when it says I'm going north I'm really fucking going north. You think I have the answers to all of this? I don't. I thought I had it together after Dr. Bright, after all this shit I went through, all that stuff. All that stuff we got through together and then everything I knew about my power flipped on its head and I don't know what I am anymore.

I don't know if what you're feeling right now is real. If we're having it out because I want us to and you have no say in it. That's such bullshit, Caleb. Why? Because I'm stronger than that. I need you to know that I'm stronger than that. But it doesn't have anything to do with you. Exactly. There it is. It doesn't.

This fear you have that I didn't love you, that's on you, not me. You made all these decisions about us based off of what you think you did or didn't feel for me. What you felt in the beginning wasn't my feelings influencing you. We proved that. And what I felt before we broke up wasn't you influencing me.

Somewhere along the way, you lost sight of us. The real us. Not the second-to-second emotions we feel, but the us as two people who cared about each other. You're so obsessed with losing me, or protecting me, or doubting where I'm coming from. Because I know what you feel. I can't avoid it. For better, and usually for fucking worse, I get the play-by-play. What are my actions saying? That was the problem! Your feelings were saying one thing, and your actions another, and that...

When things with my powers started to change, it just, it felt like your actions were the real you breaking through. Like you, like you were trying to push me away while your feelings were pulling me closer. Maybe why I did that was because I love you. Because I didn't want to smother you. You said, you said to me once that you wish it was just you and me alone in the universe. And I said, that wouldn't be so bad. Do you remember that?

I was an idiot with heart eyes and nothing else in that moment because I was 17 at the time and that's not how life works.

It's a nice idea, but it isn't healthy. You need other people in your life. It couldn't be just us. I wanted you to find family and other people who knew what you were going through. And honestly, I need that too. Maybe not a tribe as big as yours, but I need people like Caitlin. I need more people to get what I've been going through. And I don't think that's a bad thing, Caleb. Fine, you want me to find other people, but now you resent me for it.

I just didn't count on you leaving me alone in the universe with a broken heart. What do you want from me? I want you to tell me how you feel. I'm trying to. No, you keep telling me how I feel. I don't need you to do that. I've never needed you to do that. When I was depressed as a kid, I knew it. I didn't need you or anybody else to tell me. I knew it. When our hands touched on that lunch table the first time and I felt like my lungs were filled with helium and I could fly away, I knew it.

When we texted late at night and I felt more seen than I had ever been in my life, I knew it. When I held your broken hands after Damien and wanted to take your pain away, I knew it. From every fucking time we made out in your car to the first time we had sex and every other amazing time after, I knew what I was feeling. I've never needed you to tell me what I'm feeling. I've loved that you can, that you can understand me without me having to explain that you get me, but I don't...

I don't need you making decisions based off of my feelings. I just need you to be with me in them. I know I don't need to tell you this, but human emotion is complicated, Caleb. You've expressed that to me a million times, and I promise you, I've loved you, I've loved you, and everything in between, full, complete, the whole spectrum. Loving you showed me every color inside me, and you painted a fucking kaleidoscope in my heart.

What's going on inside of me isn't the total measure of who I am in this, or what you were, or, no, are to me. It's my actions, my choices. It's every time we sat on a date and didn't break eye contact when we knew we didn't need to say anything, or those mixes I made you, or how I stole your hoodies just so I could breathe you in deep when I was feeling depressed. My actions, Caleb.

I know how I felt. It's not your job to decipher what's going on inside of me. You have to listen to me and see what I do and trust that I'm operating in good faith and nothing but unconditional love for you. Now tell me what you feel. Fear. Just fear. I'm afraid this is what my life is going to be. I don't know how to be around people anymore. I don't know how to help them and I need to help them. I can't not try.

I wish I could, but it's the one thing that I do know. Even if it's the thing that has me so mixed up. What happened to you that made you so afraid of everything? Life happened. Yeah, but life always happens. It's life. What changed? The fear of losing what I have. Trying to help or protect you. I lost you. Trying to help people by going into psychology and then I find out my powers might do the opposite of helping people.

I lost my future. You didn't lose your future. Easy for you to say. Your internship in London, your school, your grades, everything you're doing, it's all working out. I feel so small and lost. I thought that we needed to grow apart from each other, but I just feel stuck in the choices of my past. Like I'm sinking and there's nothing I can do about it. Make new choices. Make one right now.

What do you mean? Make a choice. It's not that easy. I know it isn't. We've been thrown together the last month and I want to scream every other second. I know. It's more than I bargained for bringing you here, but I made a choice and we're dealing with that right now. And you know what? I'm glad I did it. Because I got to see you. Even though we've been spending this whole time swinging between yelling at each other and moments where we feel like we're going to jump each other. I know. Make a choice, Caleb.

You can spend all day sitting in your feelings and everyone else's feelings, but at the end of the day, it's your actions that count. Adam. Come on. What's next? Make a choice. Like what? I don't know, but if you feel like you're in quicksand, here's a line. Grab onto it and pull yourself out. What do you want to do? I know what I want to do, but I'm not sure I should do it. I'm just, I'm not sure after everything. I don't know. You don't know what? If you want me to. Do it, Caleb.

I missed you. I missed you so much. I missed you too. And I've been such an idiot. We both have. I didn't want to lose you and I did everything wrong. I keep doing everything wrong. I want us to be okay. I want that too. I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going through this with your powers. I wish you'd told me. I don't know what to do. So, just to be clear, you can put emotions in other people? Like, target them? I don't really have any control over it that I know of.

That's sort of how it works. But I have to be feeling it or like have the intention for them to feel it. That's scary. I'm not scared. I need you to know that, but that's scary to deal with on your own. You haven't talked to anybody about this? Frankie and Mark some, but they're no Joan Bright. Why didn't you talk to her? Because I didn't want to fall back. I'm 21 now. I didn't want to feel like I was as helpless and hopeless as I was at 16. You were never hopeless.

And I don't think a therapist is something you really grow out of. I'm supposed to be on a path to the next great thing like you. And I've been scared that my last great thing was you and I peaked or something. You're Caleb Michaels. Yeah, I don't even know who that is anymore. You're the biggest heart, the kindest eyes, and the most empathetic person. No atypical power needed that I've ever known can figure all this out together. You mean after we get the book back?

I'm so sorry. I thought I could destroy it. What did Blackwell say? Bad guy monologue stuff. I felt like I was getting Palpatined or something. He wanted you to join him? He said he wanted to make the world better for people like me and him. Said how nobody knows what it's like for us out there, what we go through. He's crazy. He isn't wrong. At least about that last part. Guess it was more Magneto than the Emperor. Do we know what he actually wants to do with it?

I guess what I'd been doing on my own with Oliver. Fuck, I'm sorry. I know, but what do you mean? The book was helping. I mean, everything's fucked, but I was able to use it to hold onto emotions. What? The book has memories in it. Each of those memories are from the perspective of the person that put it there on the page. And each person left a trace of whatever emotion they felt the most in that memory. And Blackwell, he's an empath.

I think that's part of it, how some of these things got in there. Blackwell's like you? He's nothing like me. Right, yeah, no, I know that Caleb, but his powers. You were feeling the memories? Yeah, instead of all the changing emotions I deal with every day, the pages have single feelings that I can grab onto. You're worried. Yeah, I am. Caleb, that doesn't sound safe. You've been doing this the whole time? As much as I could.

I'm fine. You don't have to worry. You're not fine. Hey, really, I feel better than I have in a while. Thanks to you. Yeah, but Caleb, you sounded strung out on the phone. I know. You think the book can help you control your power? Yeah, I thought it could, but I realized it was too dangerous, so I brought it here, but you knew that. I'm going to say something, but I don't want you to think I'm accusing you or anything, okay? Okay.

Did you think Blackwell could help you? I only just met the guy, Adam. I know, but you said the book convinced you to come here and Blackwell wanted that, so in some sense you must have expected to see him? No. I honestly didn't know he'd be here and even if I did, I don't want his help. I can't believe he's an empath. Did he force... I mean... did... Did he force feelings on me like I can do now? Yeah, he can. But he didn't on me, I don't think.

I guess he thought he didn't need to. Oh. I'm not like him. I know you weren't. But you're worried that I might be someday. I didn't say that. But you felt it. What did I say, Caleb? Listen to me. Look at me. I felt worried. That's all. You made the mental leaps as to what I was worried about. Then what are you worried about? Aside from everything, I'm worried that the idea of him being Dark Timeline Caleb is going to make you hurt even more than you already are. Oh. You aren't Blackwell, Caleb. I know.

Caleb. Adam, I know. Look at me. I don't want to be like him. Please don't let me turn into that. I want to help people. I don't want to hurt them. I know. And I don't want to hurt you ever again. I know. I'm so scared that I'm on this train that won't stop. Like my powers will just keep speeding up and go off the tracks and hurt everyone I care about. That's not going to happen. I did it to Caitlin last night. What? What do you mean? I influenced her.

I didn't mean to, but I did. How? When? When we got here. I was so excited to see you. I missed you. All I wanted to do was be around you and I think that feeling went into Caitlin. That's why she was so cheery. And I think when we told her about Atypicals, I was making her calm. Oh. Caleb, that's... I know. You have to tell her. She deserves to know. She already knows. She overheard me talking on the phone with Oliver. So that's who you were talking to? What?

I may or may not have done some influencing of my own last night. I'm not proud of it. Caitlin said she overheard you on the phone in my room and I asked her to put her ear up against the door. Oh. But I told her to stop like a second after I made her do that. I realized I have to trust you again. I mean, I need to learn to do better about trusting you.

I mean, you have every right not to. I fucked up. That's all I've been doing is fucking up and giving you reasons to not trust me. We both could do better in the not keeping secrets department. Yeah. Even if we think we're protecting the other person. But that's my job. I mean, it was.

Not that that was the only part of the job description. I know you don't need protecting, but Adam, there's never going to be a day that I won't choose to stand between you and something bad. How about holding my hand when you do it? Include me. We're stronger together, you know? You mean like this? Yeah, just like this. Your hand is cold. Is it? I'm feeling pretty flushed, so it's surprising. Oh, yeah? Caleb. What? What?

We're not going to have sex in a tower. I didn't see that. You didn't have to. Oh, so you have empath powers now. I see. You know I'm scared, right? Yeah, I am too. Even though I'm scared, I want to figure this out. You mean us? I'm game if you are, dork. Meathead. Ow. What? Just catching up with my head wound. Let me take a look. Yeah, floor got you pretty good. We have some antiseptic back at the apartment. But that'll sting.

Don't be a baby. Are we going to explain all this to everybody? The fact that you were emotionally hypnotized by the book like Jafar's staff and you not only lost said book but you got knocked out by an old guy? Something like that. Well, just to tell him, if Blackwell needed the book and a sacrifice... Fuck. He's halfway there and we're almost out of time. Today's Halloween. Oh my god, you're right. But that means he's almost out of time too. We should go. Yeah. What time is it?

Seven o'clock. Everyone's still probably passed out. We'll wake them. Do you want to call Mark and Oliver? Yeah. I'm sure Oliver's looking for me anyway. It's Halloween. Yeah. Trick or treat. Come on, let's go. Yeah, let's go. The College Tapes is brought to you by Luminary and Atypical Artists. The series is written by Lauren Shippen, Brigham Snow, and Megan Fitzmartin. This episode is written by Brigham Snow.

In it, you heard the voices of Alex Gellner as Adam and Brigham Snow as Caleb. This episode was directed by Lauren Chippin and sound designed by Brandon Grugel. The series was sound designed by Misha Stanton and Brandon Grugel. Original score by Evan Cunningham. The College Shapes is produced by Lauren Chippin, Brigham Snow, Lillian Holman, and Evan Cunningham. Thank you for listening and stay strange.

Resolve to earn your degree in the new year in the Valley with WGU. With courses available online 24/7 and monthly start dates, WGU offers maximum flexibility so you can focus on your future. Learn more at wgu.edu.