Ali Macofsy and Rachel Scanlon
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Hello and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is a podcast that celebrates misery and clusterfuck and those are the stories I want to hear. We're sick of inspiration and so I invite my favourite funny people on every week to tell me their stories of abject misery and joining me today we have a comedian who's performed on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and Comedy Central. She's currently on tour around the country. It's Ali Makovsky. Hello!

Hi. And we also have a comedian from Comedy Central and Just for Laughs Festival. She's the co-host of the podcast nationally touring show Two Dykes and a Mic. It's Rachel Scanlon. Hello. Hi.

- Hi, how are you both? - Great. - So good, I just chugged a dense bean salad in my car. I'm feeling energized. - Okay, cool, cool, cool. How energized is your bum hole right now? Are we safe? - Oh, we're safe. We're safe. We got a good window in time. - Okay, okay. - You have a strong sphincter? - I'm so strong. Yeah, 100%. - Me too. I love, I kind of hold poop sometimes. - Oh, for fun? - Sorry to start off so like-- - No, no, no, that's fine. Wait, how-- - But I really enjoy holding in poops. - Wait, for how, okay.

Sorry. Not like crazy. Not like days on end. Is it power? I think so. Yeah, probably. I've never actually thought that much into it. But I think I like when I hold it long enough to where I need to find. I like the adrenaline of like needing to go. But also does it mean is it because you're quicker than when you go? So you're not sitting there going for ages. Because I'm a poo ninja.

Right? So no one ever knows I've booed in the vicinity. It's insane. So I wait until I'm absolutely desperate so I know it's going to be...

it's quicker than a wait. You know, it's just like, I'm in, I'm out. No one has ever caught me. I mean, I did one time shit on the street, which we've talked about on this podcast. That's different. That was an emergency. I need to know what took us so long. But outside of that, like it is, it is very much so my bathroom. I had acrylic nails put on, which I've never had ever in my life. I've never, I've always had short nails. I had them on for a movie and I didn't poo for two weeks because I was too scared.

Of course. I was like, how are you supposed to do this? So if you want to talk about strong sphincters, I have Dwayne Johnson back here. Yeah, well. It's insane. Because I was just too scared. So I was just like, I just stopped eating fiber. I was just eating sugar only because it digests pretty much in the mouth. And I was like, I'm not going to. The second they were on, I was like, there's no safe or hygienic way to poo in these. Like, how am I not going to slice myself up? You wrap it? Yeah. The toilet paper rubber.

it around your hand also if you just hold it with the fingernails like in the tissue paper you're good I'm not ready for the conversation I think you found my line okay yeah I just anyway I wish I'd met you back

then I did not want to wrap it I was like it felt very very dangerous I was like how did Catwoman ever shit anytime either of you have any poo related great I'm the girl and this is extended to the audience as well you know where to find her online so when it comes to general you know disaster cluster fuckery is it something that finds you often or rarely and impactfully I feel like I'm a very lucky person where I see other people around me being embarrassed a lot

And I think I'm not. I think that's because if you're deciding that you're going to spend your life trying to be a stand-up comedian and doing comedy and move away from your hometown, everyone's going to be like, that's humiliating. And I think you just have to be like, I'm like less... You're cringe, but you're free. Exactly. There's like a lot of things, although, and this isn't like...

And we can, I didn't prep this one, but I just got a pap smear yesterday. Okay. And I, for the first time, was humiliated doing it. And I was talking to my wife. I couldn't figure out why. I think it's because my wife and I had the same...

person do it. But why would that be? Do you get competitive about your vaginas? No, I think it's because the doctor was cool. Okay. And I think they're typically older and like not even on my radar. So you're like a little bit nervous. You're like doing Kegel's mid pap smear to be like still tight. Yeah. Is it going to fit? Right. They're like literally, they're like, trust me, we can make anything fit. Sorry, do you need to

I need to get a second pair of hands in here to crack me open. Is there a smaller Q-tip you need to use? Or...

Yeah, like I think I've never had somebody cool give me a pap. Like that's a specific thing. And I don't know why, I was sweating all over my body. And this is something that I'm not used to happening to me. And I remember all night last night during dinner, I was like, why was I humiliated? And we were talking about it. I'm like, was she hot? Of course she was hot. Like, what is it? Is that smart? Of course she's smart. Like, what is it? And I think it was because she was cool.

Yeah. And I don't think that doctors who do that are allowed to be cool. Yeah. I'm so bad during a pap that I have to be held down by four like medical members of staff and given laughing gas. Come on. And be like part sedated for it. Why? Because you're like kicking your legs and stuff? I'm like, honestly, did you ever have the game Buckaroo?

In America, it's a horse that just keeps kicking its legs up and you're trying to throw a thing on it. Not a real horse. I'm not a monster. It's just a little board game. But I, yeah, I just can't, I can't handle it. I can't stand it. I just, it's the weakest I'll ever be is in a pap smear situation. It's totally barbaric. And I was like, something carnal kicks in in me. And I turn into just sort of like, it's like, I volunteered for this. I've spent a lot of money on it. I've come here with consent.

and then I make them feel like they're doing like unconsensual experiments on me. And they're aliens. Yeah. I know my knees are just like so close together. They're like, just open up. I'm like, hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just feels crazy. So do you have male gynecologists? No. Are you kidding? Is there anything that is a bigger red flag on this fucking earth than a male gynecologist? No. I refuse. Yeah. I don't think it should be allowed. I'd rather have an animal do it. Yeah. Yeah.

In a man? I think I'd rather have an animal do it than a woman. I would generally opt for an animal. As long as the animal's not cooler than me. Not a panther, not a cheetah, but like something stupid like a chicken. Fine. Was there a way in which you felt like your vagina could have been cooler? Did you have like vaginal regret afterwards being like, I wish like, you know, like. Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. Vaginal regret is a great.

thing to think about because I think it's a phrase in general definitely something I would sink my teeth into yeah I did this was not a planned path but I feel like once you're doing a physical they're like you might as well just do it all while you're here okay but I didn't I've never had comprehensive healthcare a lot I didn't know this was an option yeah so this I was having a physical and they're like do you want to just pop the hood literally

Literally any time I go to the doctor, I just assume something will end up in my vagina. Like I'm mentally prepared. It could be like the foot doctor and I'm like, maybe they need to do a pack. Like I'm just constantly ready for someone to ask to put something in my vagina. Oh, such an intense dental client. Yeah. Open up. Open up.

I'm like, how's it looking? Jesus Christ. So do you guys have examples of little micro humiliations that you face in life? There's one that comes to mind because me and my sisters think about it often. So I have two older sisters. I'm one of three. And one...

we all have giant thick eyebrows up here, massive eyebrows. - Incredible. - And so there was a time a couple years ago where there were these three sisters who were like eyebrow specialists. And they were getting really popular 'cause they were doing celebrity eyebrows.

And so my sisters, they're older, they wanna help me out. They're like, "Ali, you're a struggling comedian. You're living in Los Angeles. Why don't you reach out to these sisters and tell them your story? You're one of three sisters. You have thick eyebrows. Maybe you can work out a deal. They can do your eyebrows and get like this amazing before and after. And you can walk away with like

this fun experience of having these like celeb eyebrow girls do your eyebrows. So I'm like, okay. And do you have an idea of ways in which you wanted your eyebrows to change? No, nothing. No change. They just specialized in like thick eyebrows and cleaning them up. Okay. So no major change. Just like,

Just have it. Yeah, exactly. Just a little freshen up. Okay. And, um, and so I reach out to, to the sisters and I tell them my story. I'm 21. I live in LA. I'm a comedian. I have giant eyebrows. Um, and if you guys would need someone, need a model per chance to, you know, show off your work, I think I'm a great candidate. They don't reply. So then I hit up each sister individually. So one of the sisters gets back to me and she's like,

"Yeah, girl, send me photos of your eyebrows. Let's do this. Can you come model for me next week?" I'm like, "Okay, well, I'm in New York right now, but maybe we could work out a deal." And so she's like, "Yeah, totally. We'll work out a deal. Just remind me when you get there." So I make the appointment. I message her, "I made an appointment. I'll see you." And then day of appointment, I message her, "See you today."

and I'm getting my eyebrows done. She tweezers maybe five hairs. Maybe five hairs have been tweezed. I go to pay and I'm like, surely we've worked out this deal. I can't wait to find out what the deal is. Have they been filming all of this? No, they just took a before and after. And so when it's time to pay, I believe it cost me roughly $300. Is that how much it costs to get eyebrows done? I don't know. I

- It can't be for five plus. - I mean, honestly, at this point in my life, I don't know the exact number. It could have been $100. All I know is I had half of the money it cost in my bank account at the time.

So now I have to go, oh, one second. I go outside. I call my sisters. I'm on the verge of tears. I'm like, you guys need to send me money. I went to those fucking sisters you told me to go to. And there's no deal to speak of. And so I'm like, please just send me money. So they send me money. I pay and I have the before and after photo. And I look so sad in the after photo. Oh, no.

I couldn't have looked more. That is probably how much it costs, especially if they're like sort of doing celebrities and they're getting big online. What a bunch of bastards. My eyes before, I'm like, my life is about to be changed. I'm seeing these celebrity eyebrow specialists. And so my eyes are just like full of life. And then the after, I'm literally just death stare.

Oh, so pretty. There's zero change in the eyebrows. The eyebrows are 100% the same. You say you look sad. To me, it's...

This is why I'm a 14-year-old boy. It's like, I'm looking at this and it's fuck me eyes. It's lovely. Like, this is what I'm reading. That was me pissed. I'm like... Yeah, you're hot when you're pissed. Thank you. Oh, there is no difference at all in these eyebrows. I can see the exact five hairs that they plucked. Bullshit. Oh my God. And what about you? Any little micro-humiliation stories? I have a micro-humiliation where I...

I was recently over-training because I run too much. I'm sober, so I run too much. Ran so much I had to go to a chiropractor. But I can't figure out how health care works because it's confusing. So I went to a place in L.A. that is like, we don't do health care. I mean, this one's popping a pussy out everywhere she goes. I mean, neither of you know how to get health care. Exactly. None of us actually know how to get health care. We're just taking our pussies out at the dentist and being like, can you help me? Is this covered? Can you help me?

- That's what I say to my boyfriend after we have sex. I'm like, is there a copay? - Is there a copay for this? - Yeah. - There's so many animals in the back that do like, pats. - Can I have a lollipop? - I have no idea how to do anything, but there's a place, there's basically this place in LA that is very, very, it's completely out of pocket. The lighting was really good. It was very expensive and they were gonna help me. I had a really bad lower back pain and they were going to give me some type of like a myofascial,

And I think I'm saying that right. Yeah. Where it's like it's chiropractic, which is already kind of like a weird thing.

like pseudoscience-y thing. Very scary. All the like cracking. I love Cairo. Do you love it? Oh, I love Cairo. It's so scary. I'm too much of a pussy for it. For sure. Yeah. Imagine that cracking. People get off on it. I love it. See this one. This is not right. So I was like, I was desperate to get back pain relief. I go to the place that does myofascial release, which sounds erotic. It doesn't matter. I go into a dark room and they like nurse like water.

who, for the record, was very hot. A 10. She was like a model. Why do you get the hottest healthcare? I get the ugliest healthcare practitioners ever. You gotta get worse healthcare. I need to follow you, yeah. I don't know why they're always so... And I get... I'm like... I sometimes, when I'm nervous, I will flirt. And that's something that I like... I work on. Like, I don't want to always just be at the dentist being like, how about next time I put my fingies in your mouth? Like, I'm working on it. Okay.

I'm going to use that. It's good. Yeah, I like that. They don't like it, but it feels good to say. And I'm trying to just be more chill at doctor's offices. Is that the Cairo? Just walking around harassing everyone. Right. Just like, can I get a picture with you guys later? Like, I'm weird. Like...

Too much. And she came in and she was helping me. She was like, I'm going to be doing your myofascial release. And so I was already in just a sports bra and like biker shorts. It's like tight, you know, spandex. Do you have this feeling? Sorry. No, please interrupt that. Everyone kind of wants to fuck you for sure. Okay.

Do you also? Well, I was just thinking like when you were saying you were in the sports bra and the shorts, like if I get a correction at like Pilates or yoga, I'm like, it's not because my posture is bad. It's because they're simply in love with me and they want to touch me. 100%. I'm the opposite. You have to be inside me for me to have an inkling that you're interested. Interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy.

It's a, I'm a crazy girl. - I feel like mine's the opposite. As soon as they're inside, I'm like, they could care less about me. They don't give a fuck. - No, I do assume any type of eye contact or attention. I'm like, these chiropractors wanna fuck me. Okay, so she's doing this thing. I'm in my sports bra, I'm in my whatever. We're doing like, it's not an adjustment, but it's some type of a, it feels like a massage, but like too hard and no lube.

At the very beginning, she flips me over. Okay, so I'm already like, okay, flip me over. Okay, right? I'm belly up. And we all know my back hurts, okay? Not my front. I just love the idea that you're always waiting to be kissed. For sure. Are we going to kiss? This is how I feel. I mean, I can really barely look at people in the eyes for too long.

Are we safe right now? Am I giving you any signals? Yes. Why do you think they put me over here? I'm worried about everyone. You guys, everybody stop looking at me for too long. Oh my God, it must be so stressful. Stressful when everybody wants to smooch me. Please. We're at work, you guys. Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. I apologize. I accept your apology with a kiss. Carry on.

Okay, so she flips me over pretty early into this like chiropractic thing. And she's like, I'm just going to pull your shorts a little bit down. I said,

- Okay. - Of course you are. - Obviously we know where this is going, right? She pulls my shorts down just enough to have my entire bush out. - No, no, no, no, no. - My foot. - Why? Why did she pull them down that fast? - You guys, it's for my back. - What's going on with the front? - It's for my low, my back. - This is crazy. - My bush is the opposite of my back. - You guys, that's so crazy. - Leave me. - All right, well, no need to brag, okay? Some of us haven't been preened.

Listen, I'm not a doctor, but I know anatomically I don't need to be tits up right now. And I didn't know you guys like and this is where I started to be like, what did I do to make this happen? Because it just stayed out the whole time. And I wasn't sure if that was part of it or not.

Was she even like doing anything or you're just laying there bush out and she's like, all right, just chill for a couple minutes. I'm now flipped and I think actually everyone does want to fuck you. Okay, thank you for saying it because I agree. That's crazy. Why is your vagina out in this situation for more than even a second? I could understand an accidental, your shorts are tight, they get attached to your underpants and there's like, oh, sorry. But leaving it out to air is crazy. I'm catching wind and I was like...

there's a breeze on the bush and i didn't and because i think i'm assuming also your face has changed color so i can see like right now i was traumatized so did you ever go back on cheer like i went back bush out flipped back bush still out so bush on table now bush on table bush on wind i'm standing i'm like they're moving my legs around and at one point i felt like

I should have said something, you guys, right? Do you think I should have said something? Would you guys have said something? No, I wouldn't have said something. No, you would have just let them be like, they're a professional. Again, you two soulmates. I would have said something. 100%. I would have pulled it back up. I would have pulled that shit back up. I almost died of like, I had like a weird...

heart incident a few months ago and I was supposed to call an ambulance and my knickers were around my ankles because it happened while I was on the bathroom like what am I Elvis? So I was on the toilet and then I like passed out and I was on the floor and I was like sort of just coming to and I wanted to call for help but I also was like I'm not going to call up until I put my

my my vagina away I was like I'm not having anyone find me like this in case I die I was like this is and I think it's what kept me alive is I think what stopped me from dying is the will to put my underpants back on I was like I haven't seen my boyfriend in a month this shit's a mess like I just like I this can't be how I go out it's so I I'm very I'm so vaginally shy and stingy I'm vaginally stingy interesting yeah stingy with the

Do you guys ever go to like a spa? No. Wow. I'm very free with veg. I feel like I'm push forward typically. Push forward. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, when it was... But I think we're seeing an American and English divide right now. I think that's what's happening. For sure, for sure, for sure, for sure. Also, when my bush was out, it is super red. So it is like unavoidable. Would you say it's more red than your head hair? Yes. So you've got like red shearing down there.

Brad Sheeran. You have to say 10. 1,000%. That's exactly what I have down there. It's like, you know. Yeah. Yeah, it's exactly. It's exactly. It's like Clifford the Big Red Bush. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm imagining Ronald McDonald. 100%. It looks like Reba McEntire. Ah!

That's so intense and mad. You just described my living medical nightmare. I am the medical menace in all of my medical situations. I'm the problem. Whenever I go under general and my boyfriend and I live with my

my male friends and whenever they come to pick me up because I'm 5'11", I'm heavy, it takes a lot to carry me out of there and whenever they're taking me out there, I've done this multiple times. I've told people in the waiting room that I have no idea who these men are. Yeah.

And I absolutely do know who they are. But I have no recollection of doing this afterwards, which means on my subconscious, I'm a cunt who's trying to get them in trouble. And so people have intervened before when my boyfriend and my best friend are trying to carry me out where I'm just going, I don't know these men.

I don't know. Yeah. No, no, I'm not putting on the slur. I've got a slur naturally. Cut it. And it's like, it's normally a dental thing. And then I've dealt with my boyfriend. I'll be like, no, this is my girlfriend. I don't know him. He's lying. It's so horrific to know that this is deep in my conscious. Like that's who I really am. It's a menace. I'm a menace. And like, I've almost gotten them into major trouble. Like we've almost not been able to get home.

And they're so mad at me when I come to because I've just put them through hell. But I think it's so fun for the people in that waiting room because then they get to feel like they witnessed something. Trafficking? Yeah. They get to have a good story. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where typically they might not have any good stories to share. Right. And you're providing them with such great fodder. You're an endless optimist. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to call you throughout all of these scenarios. All right. We're going to go to a quick break before we get into everyone's big stories. This is your moment, your time to shine, your comeback.

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And we're back. Okay, so Ali, tell me, what is your big wrong turn? Okay, so this is like literally a wrong turn.

I was at the comedy store. Once again, I'm a young comic. A lot of my worst stories are from being like a young lady. So I'm at the comedy store. I'm hanging out. And famously, a lot of tourists go to the comedy store, specifically Australians. They're like bedbugs. They just kind of pop up. They're in groups. Yeah. And they're usually a little bit dirty. They're a little bit, they smell, like they're just, they're always around and they want to have too much fun. Right.

They don't know how to not have fun. They're a riot. They're a riot. Yeah. And so I'm like this young girl at the comedy store and I have like this crazy long purple hair that I think looks really good. And now looking back at photos, it's very bad. But I'm like, oh, all these Australian guys want to fuck me. And, you know, I want to fuck them. And so...

I'm really chatting them up. I'm like, so where are you guys staying? Like, what are we getting into tonight? And they're like, oh, we're at the Banana Bungalow Hostel. And I'm like, I've already been there before with another, you know, with another lover. So I know exactly how to get there. And I'll see you later tonight. And so later that night, I am on my way to the Banana Bungalow to meet up with these men. And I had just bought

a brand new car with my own money. Honda Fit, I was feeling good. So I'm in this brand new Honda Fit, I'm driving down Fairfax.

And there's the perfect parking spot right in front of the banana bungalow hostel. I hate parking far away. I hate walking. But surely God wants me to sleep with these Australian men. Yeah. But also that's going to be your exercise for the night. Yeah. Yes. Optimist. Were you planning on both or was there one? I would have done whatever. Right. OK. You know, I would have done whatever.

So I make this big U-turn to get to this parking space and I see that there is a car coming from behind me, but they seem pretty far. So I have enough time to make the U-turn. They'll see me. They'll be able to slow down.

I flipped this U-turn. I was wrong. I've only had this car for four days. Oh, fuck. I don't know the depth perception, and I have blinders on just for this Australian dick. So I make this U-turn. I get T-boned. My car spins out on Fairfax. Oh, my God. Airbags go off. People start running towards the car, you know. Big accident. Yeah. So what does it feel like when an airbag hits you? It's like, eee!

Like movie style. Like movies have it right. It's like you hear that high pitch like screeching, ringing in your ears. Okay. Does it like smash you in the face? Yeah, smashes. Smashes in the face. But you don't, like there's no real recollection of any of that pain because it's kind of like adrenaline is kicking in and you like don't really know what's happening. And you're like, okay, I'm alive. My car is fully totaled. And...

So the paramedics come. I can't get out of my car because the door won't open. And so I'm just kind of stuck in this car. People are like, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, totally. Like, are the guys in? Are the guys there? Just make sure they don't come out here yet. I'm not ready. So the paramedics come. They pull me out of the car. I'm like, you know, looking at myself and I have this giant welt on my forehead from the airbag, like huge, big welt.

And they're like, well, you need someone to pick you up or like you need to call someone to let them know you're OK and what happened. So I call my sister because the paramedics are just like standing there and I'm like, hey, girl. So just got in a little little bit of an accident, but everything's all good. Nothing to worry about. She's like, OK, I'm going to pick you up. This doesn't sound good. The paramedics are with you. Like, I'm going to pick you up. And I'm like, OK.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm meeting up with friends right now. So like no need to pick me up at all. Like I was dead set. You're growing a twin on your forehead. Yes, with a giant welt. I was still in the mindset of like, no, I got to see this through. And was this a concussion or is this like your general nature of like, I'll fuck through anything? Yeah.

That's a good question. I think when I'm motivated to do something, I will push through. I don't think it's about the sex. I think it's about like I... I promise. I've made... Yes. Yeah. I have this idea of what my night's going to look like and I need to follow through with that. And so I honestly have no...

I have no real recollection of what happened after that point. So I would assume that I was picked up and brought home or I was gang banged. - By a cop. - Oh my God. - Wait, but I just remembered. Oh, okay. So I did end up going home. Whether my sister picked me up or not, I don't remember, but I didn't see the guys.

And I went home. And when I got home, I messaged the guys being like, so sorry I didn't show up. Like something came up. Sorry. My forehead. Yeah. Something came up. My forehead's huge. And yeah, it turned out there were two banana bungalows. And I wasn't even at the correct one that they were at. No.

way. So this could have all been avoided potentially. Totally avoided. Had I gone to the correct banana bungalow. The other one could have been on the right side of the road. It would have been. It was on Hollywood Boulevard and I would have been going the correct way. And it also would have been close to my house. Oh my god. I'm so sorry to hear that. What a crazy way to get cock-blocked by the universe. I know. And my brand new car. And your brand new car and your purple car.

Yeah. Sad. Yeah. Sad for that girl. Did you ever try and hook up with them again or was the moment sort of passed? I think the moment had passed and I knew that surely by like being around the comedy store that more Australians would arise, you know. How old were you at the time? I was maybe 19 or 20. Is there anything more 20 year old girl than...

getting in a car accident and being like, that's too uncool to say. So I'm just going to say something came up because I'm embarrassed of the fact that I had a fucking car accident. Yeah. That's so funny. That's so funny that you felt the need to play it cool after nearly losing your life. Yeah. For dick. Yeah. For Australian dick, nonetheless. I know. Bad, bad times. It's the most fun kind I hear. Australian? Well, yeah. I imagine it would be fun if there were riot...

you know in the streets there must be a riot in the sheets that's yeah that's true unfortunately i think so much of my memory from that period because i was drinking so much also at the time it's like driving no not at this time no no no no no no however this is actually really horrible and i wasn't going to talk about it on the podcast okay but go on because it's not a great story and does not paint me in a good light whatsoever oh we prefer those okay

Because my car was four days old, I got all the money back for it because it was totaled. Yeah. That's how insurance works, I guess. Wait, what? Something about... Can't get healthcare, can get a new car in four days. Yeah. Is there a statute within which you're allowed to... Because it didn't depreciate yet. There was no depreciation. I think it depreciated. It depreciated.

At this point, yeah, because of the accident. I would say it was total. I don't know. I got all the money back that I paid for the car. And so I'm like, well... What did you send it back being like, it's broken? Yeah. It came to me broken. Something happened. Something came up. Something came up. I don't know. And so I'm like,

Like, surely the problem is that the first car I had that is now totaled was a black car. So the car behind me couldn't see me coming. Okay. So the new car I'm getting, the exact same car is going to be white. So that way, even at night, you'll be able to see the car coming. And so I get the same exact car and it's like nothing ever happened. Yeah. 29 days later. No. I totaled that car blacked out.

Drunk driving. 29 days later. 29 days later. So then I didn't have a car for two years and I got sober. And so now everything is okay. But...

Dark times. Dark times. Dark times. Better driver now? I think I've always been a great driver. You were just drunk. I think that time I was just drunk and the other time I was drunk on dick. Oh my God. I was dick drunk. Jesus Christ. Dick drunk is crazy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think I've ever heard that expression before, but I really... It felt the same. I was really lucky. Yeah.

You know, it was like something took control of me. I was not in the right state of mind. You feel as bad the morning after. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It should be called a DUD, like driving under a dick. It's like, I'm a dud. Yes. Yeah. Oh my God, that's insane. Yeah. Oh, I have nothing to add. We'll be right back after the break. This is your moment, your time to shine, your comeback.

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Hi, I'm Ashley Flowers, creator and host of the number one true crime podcast, Crime Junkie. Every Monday, me and my best friend Britt break down a new case, but not in the way you've heard before and not the cases you've heard before. You'll hear stories on Crime Junkie that haven't been told anywhere else. I'll tell you what you can do to help victims and their families get justice. Justice.

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You guys are fucked in bathrooms. And like a house party. Nobody invites me to parties. I'll change that. No, no. No, I don't think I've ever had sex at a party. Have you had sex at a party? Yeah, but in high school. You guys, I thought this was like an easy yes. Oh, I'm so sorry. But like, are you not gathering from this show so far that I'm quite a disappointing strange brute? Rachel, I'm dying to hear your story. I'd love to tell it to you. Yeah. What happened during the pandemic? I had...

started to do online therapy. - Yeah. - Okay. Which is Zoom. Very like camera, whatever. My therapist, you're not gonna believe me, was very hot. - What is this? - I don't know how this happens. I don't know how, it's like there, it's something about me. I think the universe is like- - I don't, I can't do that. Are you comfortable with this? - No. - I need everyone in my life, like in a professional level to not be hot. - Yeah. - For sure.

That would be so like first session, I'd be like, sorry, you're too beautiful. I did think about doing also like do you I did this weird thing when I was like, you know, you kind of date a few therapists to kind of find somebody. Yeah. And like for the longest time, I was like, if you're not queer, like I can't do this. The second I got a queer therapist, I was like, OK, like, is it on now? Like now this is like so it's like we're dating now. You know what I'm saying? It's like romantic. This is me. This is my issue. Anyways, she was beautiful.

And a therapist. And she's gay? And she's queer. Yeah, she's gay. She...

is not a licensed therapist and this is also important to the story okay i don't feel like anyone that you've seen in any of these stories so far has been licensed at anything well i don't know what in network means i don't know what it means to be in network so i just find you know what whoever's on instagram i don't sure cali shit are you where are you going for help the internet okay it's not going well uh no but i'm definitely hey you're alive i'm alive and my bush is out i'm

My back hurts. Yeah. And my brain is broken. Okay. Okay, so I found this. You know what she specialized in? She was a mindfulness specialist, which is something. I didn't look it up. Isn't that just a shaman? I feel like. Mindfulness specialist? I honestly should have looked it up. That's a life coach. Is it a life coach? It feels like a life coach, but she was like not a licensed therapist, important, and was definitely into like...

And did you like does she present that early on? Do you ask that when you find out? Does that do you go? Does she put doctor in like inverted commas? I could tell, you know, it's like kind of more woo wooey out here in general. OK, I could tell because I tried to get a letter for something and she was like, I actually can't write that. And I went, oh, OK.

So you're not... Okay, so you didn't know this at first. I was like, not at first. Okay, was this only friends? It felt like it. Okay, great. It felt definitely like something that is not medical. Okay. Okay, but she was a mindfulness coach specialist. Yeah. And she... And it wasn't until like... That was one of her specialties, but I was going there for straight up therapy. But she was like, I specialize in mindfulness. And maybe she was like, do you know when you're like trying to get a therapist, but they're like just... They're also learning to... They're not...

certified yet, but they take on clients. I think that's what she was doing. Okay. Okay. She was in the process maybe of being licensed. Were you paying for this? Yeah. But like, hopefully not as much. We need to talk later. I think I'm going to teach you how to get doctors. Thank you. We worked together for a few months. Then she decides one day that we're going to do a mindfulness exercise. Okay. And I was like, I love it. I love to exercise. Let's rock.

Tells me to go to my fridge and bring a bowl of grapes. Okay. On Zoom. Niche. And she's just hoping that you have grapes available or did she give you homework last session? Like, make sure you're stocked. Thank God I fucking had grapes. Thank God there's zero points on Weight Watchers. You actually give grapes. You seem like someone who's got grapes. I mean, that's a high praise. Thank you so much. I'm taking it as a compliment, if not more. Yeah. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. I'm not trying to fuck you. My God.

I had grapes. Okay. I give grapes. She knew I had grapes. Okay. I bring over the grapes and she's wearing fruit all over your top. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of look like one of those. Anyways, she then says like what we're going to do for this exercise is she wants me to eat the grapes. Okay. She wants me to eat the grapes. She wants me to eat the grapes. And I'm like at this point like less excited.

like less aware and healed than I am now. At this point in my therapy journey, I'm like for sure wanting to win therapy. I wanna win it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Okay. - I wanna show her that I'm like the best pupil she's ever had, okay? - Okay. - So I start, first I start chugging grapes to be like, look how many grapes I can eat. I thought maybe that would do it. You know what I mean? I was like, is mindfulness like showing-- - Okay, wait, so wait, how much sort of,

How huggery are you? Are you damn into it? Is it like... Yeah, I'm kind of like... Is it like a zombie? Is it just like you're fisting grapes? I'm kind of like... Yeah, I'm like chugging grapes. Like I'm gripping too hard. Are you speaking to each other in between this? She stops me. She stops me quick. But did she give you any sort of like... Lead up.

Like, hey, eat these grapes one by one or do it like you're- Grecian. Yeah. She did not. There's no direction? It's just like, eat these grapes? Yeah. Just like, it's a mindfulness exercise. You're going to eat some grapes. I just start chugging grapes. She's like, wait a second. Like, slow down. This isn't a race. I'm like, everything's a race. Right? I'm like trying to, well, I'm trying to impress her.

and like show her like i don't know i mean i was trying to do something i also like want my therapist to go home and think like god she ate grapes really fast yeah yeah yeah like now that's a grape eater you know like something exciting sometimes if i got bored you're so wonderfully strange carry on yes i also feel like sometimes when i when there's like a lull in therapy i'll be like i'll say something to get my therapist to love me i'll be like um

Wow, I've never said that out loud before. Just so that they feel... You're twisted. Just to let them have a good day. You are twisted.

- Let them have a good day. - You are twisted. - Listen, works every time. - Wow. - Oh my God. - I wanna be my therapist's favorite anyways. - So you're like faking a therapy orgasm essentially. - It's so true. - That's exactly what happened. She tells me to slow down on the grape eating. - She starts crying. - She's like, well I, and this is where it's actually humiliating for me. Wrong turns, wrong turns, because not only, first I'm like, I'll eat too many grapes. She's like, don't do that.

Slow down. And I'm like, okay, slower. Then genuinely, you guys, I start performing, eating the best grape that I've ever eaten. Like a commercial audition. Exactly. Grape-a-lingus. Yes. And I'm going like, mmm. She's like, describe it. Are you touching your chest? My throat where the grape would be. No. Where the grape is. I'm like, this grape is like.

So good. Right. And I'm kind of like thinking that's what it is. I'm like, is being mindful like a performance of gratitude? Like, I don't know what it is. I mean, it is. Is it? Kind of. It must be. No, I mean, internet mindfulness really feels like it's a performance of like zen. Yes. You know what I mean? And because I didn't have any true therapy in my bones, I'm literally thinking like being mindful is me showing you how good I can perform eating a grape.

and how humiliating. I look back now and I'm like, that is humiliating that I am a comedian performing the enjoyment of a grape in order for this woman to think she's good at her job is the most wrong turns that you can make within therapy.

To be like, I'm not here to heal. I'm not even here to enjoy this grape. I'm here to make sure that you think I'm enjoying this grape. You think you made me enjoy this grape. I'm seeing grapes. I'm eating. I'm tasting grapes anew. Because of you. Yeah. Exactly.

How humiliating. I think about it now and I'm like, I think you have created a new tier of people pleasing. It's bad. Do you know what I mean? There's a God level tier now of people pleasing. That is a Midwest Lutheran just like peak. Now I know why I've been given a bowl of grapes. I was given a bowl of grapes at the beginning of this. I presume I'm supposed to ask you to demonstrate.

A sexual grape moment. Do you actually have grapes over there? Oh my god, there's grapes! I thought they were just giving me a snack! I was like, they never do this. This is insane! Yeah. Because you guys know I have to practice. Look at your producers, just all busting a gut back there. Also, how did you know they were green in the story? I didn't know. I didn't know, but it was a chance. Wow.

They were sent in by your therapist. Oh my god. Silver, you freak. Wait, so do you still see this therapist? No, I am untherapized. Would you like a grape? You should have one. Yes, please. Okay, so I want to learn from you. Teach me your creepy grape way. Creepy grape? Okay, my new handle. This also, keep in mind, it's not about actually tasting the grape. It's about portraying how good the grape is against all costs. It's going in.

- Yes, it's sweet. - You're really good at therapy. - Wow, my therapist would love you guys. - Were you talking about like the taste of the grape? - She told me to put words to it. She put voice to it. Then I'm like, then it is erotic.

Then the sweet juices are running down my throat. Now I think she's hitting on you. I'm sorry. Like I turn every time. I know it's tough out here. It's so crazy. Yeah. So then how many more sessions do you continue to see her for? Just a couple because I feel like the calm down of that and we needed a couple more sessions. No fruit. But imagine I show up next time with like a banana. Yeah. Oh my God. You want to see what I can do this week? Yeah. Papaya. Right. Yeah. That's a fruit. Oh wow.

This actually, these are great, great. They are really good. I didn't get to see yours. Oh, this is really bad. Okay. I'm not good at doing like erotic faces in public. I think you should try. No. I did. You'll have to watch it back. I really tried my best and it was very uncomfortable. We basically fucked. Let's just be real. This was a threesome. Do you guys think that she is on a podcast right now going,

this client fucked in front of me. Is that why? I think about where she's at. I can't imagine that she is a licensed therapist at this point. She didn't make it. I think she is an eyebrow technician. For sure.

- For sure, for sure. - She's ripping people off in other ways. - She's jacking up the prices, for sure. - That was unbelievable. You've both told such strange and unexpected stories. Before you go, I just wanna share another wrong turn story. It continues to make us all feel less alone. We call this Misery Loves Company. This is from a male listener who wishes to remain anonymous. "So I'm in college and last fall I was in my dorm room, which I was 99.99% sure was locked. I was feeling a bit frisky and I was alone.

So I started taking care of number one. The TV was on, so I didn't hear anything when my friends opened the door. Plus, I was in the zone. Suddenly I hear a, whoa, whoa, whoa, reaction. I turn around and three of my friends are staring at me. That would have been bad enough, but the show that was on was the Golden Girls. Oh!

despite me telling them over and over that I was not in fact jacking off to the Golden Girls. No one believes me. And now every time I pass any of the three men on campus, they sing the theme song. Thank you for being a friend. That's so good. So good. So good.

Oh, and of course it's the Golden Girls. Oh, yeah. But also now that will become... That's how kinks start, isn't it? It's trauma meets sexual... Like the height of kind of sexual arousal. So I feel like now maybe he can't actually get off unless it's to the Golden Girls. Or maybe he'll like continue... Like he'll look for older women. Like that'll be... Which I think is a good trauma response. Oh, we need that. For sure. We need that in this culture. 100%. But I will say...

I do this kind of weird thing, if you would believe me doing something weird. No way. But if I'm masturbating, I will just kind of also be scrolling on TikTok. Interesting. And I'm like, it's not like I'm not searching anything erotic. It's literally like a day in the life is a single mom in Nebraska and I'm just like going to town and...

Yeah. So like I get just having something. I like background noise. I like to not pay attention. The first time I masturbated, it was Nick at night. So Full House was on. And I don't know if I have any sort of trauma like with, you know, three uncles just being around. I don't know. When I was reading the story earlier and we were picking like what we were going to use for the show, I was thinking about the fact that I got

called into nbc for sexual harassment not for wanking on uh on set um but maybe something worse which is that i this is one of my wrong turns i guess my career it's my first week ever as an actor i was on the good place i was 30 i'd never been on a film set before never been in a film a lot like never held a real script anything so i was so green

And I'd come over from England, you know, recently before then. So I get called in to HR and told that I need to be disciplined for sexual harassment. And I was like, oh my God, what did I do? Turns out you are not supposed to try and make friends by showing people porn that you think is funny on set. Yeah.

- Oh no. - What? - Yeah. - You're a wrong turn person. - I am a big wrong, I'm just picturing. - Now I'm just a wrong one. - Yeah, I just. - Which cast, like I'm like just imagining Ted Danson. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%, I definitely got Ted. I don't think he reported me, he's not a narc. - Yeah. - But like, but I was showing everyone 'cause I basically bought the domain porndub.com and I had, I wanted to dub pornography with comedians and so I was like. - Oh, I love that. - You'd be so funny

For this video, and I was showing everyone pornography. And it's porn that you think is funny. It's porn that I think is funny. So it's also of the more extreme lulz nature. Yeah. And I had no idea. Because that's how we make friends in England. You know, that's how we bond. Yeah. And I didn't realize that America is so bloody Christian, you know, and uptight. But.

But yeah, got disciplined. Wow. I don't know why I said any of that. None of that was necessary for that story. But now everyone knows I'm a harasser. Watch out. Careful. But I feel like that's where we bond. You know, just going around harassing everyone. You turning the cock.

Yeah. Illegally. Perfect. I think we're a good fit, the three of us. Before people go, can you tell everyone where they can find you and what you've got that you want them to see or hear? You can go to alimakofsky.com to see where I'm performing. You can follow me online at notalimak. Great. Yay. I'm at Rachel Scanlon Comedy. My podcast is at Two Dykes and a Mic. And then I'll be touring my solo stand-up in the summer. Thank you so much for coming on One of the Tenths.

Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jamila Jamil and Stuart Bailey. Thank you to our launch producer, Eve Bishop, our editor, Shannon Joy Rogers and consulting producer, Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong Turns. All you have to do is email personaldisasterstories at gmail.com. Oh, and if you enjoy me, I have a sub stack that I write several times a month and

with some of my other embarrassing stories and also other thoughts and opinions. And so you can find me there if you want to. See you next time. Bye.

Hi, I'm Ashley Flowers, creator and host of the number one true crime podcast, Crime Junkie. Every Monday, me and my best friend Britt break down a new case, but not in the way you've heard before, and not the cases you've heard before. You'll hear stories on Crime Junkie that haven't been told anywhere else. I'll tell you what you can do to help victims and their families get justice.

Join us for new episodes of Crime Junkie every Monday. Already waiting for you by searching for Crime Junkie wherever you listen to podcasts.

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