Beth Stelling and Amy Miller
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Ask your vet about NexGuard Plus Choose. Hello. Welcome to Wrong Turns. How are you? I said hi too soon. You did. You said it right. Hi. That's the perfect way to start Wrong Turns. The more clusterfuck, the happier I become. Hi.

Welcome to Wrong Turns. This is a podcast where we celebrate the clusterfucks in life that don't have a great silver lining and a great lesson and wisdom that is learned and gained from the nightmare that

that is our lives. And I started this podcast just because I was fucking sick of positivity porn everywhere I look and everyone talking about these heinous moments in their lives and how it turned them into a billionaire. That doesn't happen to the rest of us human beings. And so this is a place that is less about inspiration, far more about

And so I couldn't think of any two people I would want with me here more than two friends of mine who I find so unbelievably funny. My first guest is actress, writer, comedian and podcaster whose most recent comedy special, If You Didn't Want Me Then, which is hilarious, is streaming on Netflix. She also co-hosts the podcast Sweethearts. It's Beth Stelling. Hello! Hello!

- What a beautiful intro. - Thank you. At first I was like, is it gonna go you? But it was me. - You were both so accomplished. - Well, that's 'cause you're both so accomplished, I know. I was surprised at the end, I didn't know. We also have a comedian who has appeared on the Netflix as a joke festival. Her latest comedy album is fucking hysterical. It's "California King" and her special on Comedy Central is "Ham Mouth." Hello, Amy Miller. - Hi, Jamila. It's so good to see you. - It's so good to see you. How have you both been? - Good. We should just like all take a nap together.

So given this podcast is about catastrophes, do you feel as though you are people who catastrophe loves to find in general? I don't know about catastrophe. Like humiliation, embarrassment. I just sort of, I don't, I feel like I don't know what's going on a lot of the time. So...

On the way in here, your producer, Stuart, comes to get me. And then there happens to be another woman in the hallway, just, I think, going to the bathroom. And I was like, hi, I'm Amy. She's like, I'm just walking by, but it's really nice to meet you. Those moments, constant throughout my life every day. Wow. You got to just. I don't know if I'm. I feel like I don't get embarrassed often or I've. You're shameless. I don't. I don't.

I may be. I don't feel it so much anymore if there is catastrophe. I need a defibrillator to bring me back. Yeah. I'm not a prankster. I don't like making people feel uncomfortable. Like I would I could never have a prank show right away. I'd be like, I'm so sorry. We're joking. That's really funny. I don't like feel comfortable watching people sit in a trick. But kind of the impractical. I like scaring people like my mom in particular. Yes.

In what way? Just like hiding in the closet. Okay, not like a pregnant woman. Or no, no, no. Or waiting for her to come out of the bathroom while I'm on the ground. You know, stuff like that. Is she at an age where that's safe?

safe? No. It's getting to the point where it's become dangerous. Peas have happened. A little peas leaked out. You or her? Her. Oh, sure. But she's also gotten me pretty good to the point where it's almost like it scares trauma out of my body, I think. It's fun. So it's cathartic. That's why I go to haunted houses. Yes, that's the same. I, on the other hand, don't go to anything scary whatsoever. You should go to a haunted house. No, I don't like being scared. I, yeah, I don't like going to movies that are scary. I sometimes I'll

torture myself and watch Yellow Jackets alone. Well, my life is

My life is scary enough. And I think, Beth, you're just so confident that maybe even when life tries to come at you, you just sort of hockey it away. You know what I mean? You're intimidatingly strong and confident. Whereas I feel as though I endure constant micro humiliations. Like last night I was packing to get on the plane to come here. I was super late, super disorganized. And because I'm Asian, normally I've packed a week before. But for the first time ever, I hadn't.

I had so much shit to do. I was trying to take all these precautions to make sure I don't get detained at the fucking border because of what's going on in America. And then as I'm 20 minutes later than I'm supposed to be for the last cutoff point of when I need to get to the airport, I shart. I just shart. I fully shart. I shart, follow all the way through and then just burst into tears and sit there crying in my shart. Yeah.

Which makes me another five to seven minutes later. No, no, no. It was before I'd left my home. Oh, thank God. But why? But fucking why? I've never sharted before. I was going to say, I don't know. Were you depending on it being a fart? I think I was stressed and I was squatting. Yeah. And I think that it was just sort of I'd created a runway, a pipeline, if you will. Yeah.

Natural squatty putty. I was just stuck in this moment and it sounded like Donald Duck. It was like a sound I didn't know I could make. I do feel like as time goes on, our buttholes that were once rubber bands, perhaps like for braces. Oh yeah, they're going to be out in the wild west. Lost elasticity. Yeah. Yeah, they're like an old pair of underwear. Yeah, they're being tested. Mine's still very, very small, not to brag. Yeah.

But I have a tiny little leathery bagel because nothing's really been in there. Oh. So, you know. She's a Christian. Yeah. I mean, look, I don't like butt stuff. It's not great. You've tried? Of course. I've tried so many times. Lovely. Yeah, it's fine. But.

I mean with small penises. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry to my boyfriend. Can't do it. I'll be dead. Shout out to your boyfriend now though. Yeah. Well, somebody knows. I just feel like it's something you can't recover. It's not worth, you know, having anal leakage just for one night of displeasure. That's what poppers are for. Yeah, I don't know. Me either. What does a popper do?

I guess poppers loosen up your b-hole. It loosens up your b-hole. Oh, nice. Yeah. I'm very innocent. I've kissed six people ever. But you have a lot of gay friends, so you have to know about poppers. I do, I do. But they don't talk to me about it because they think I'm sad and innocent. Isn't it a smelling thing? A smelling and then a loosening? I guess. A relaxation. You have it?

Or eat it. Yeah, you huff it. I think it's a smell. Right? I guess I really don't know. I haven't had any. I think I believe it's a smelling and then a loosening or relaxation. I'll give it a shot. Yeah. But you could also, if people out there are worried about their fingers. I've got one right here. Yeah.

That's fine. My asshole's been through enough in the last 24 hours. Did you say I'll give it a shart? Yeah, I'll give it a shart. I don't know if it's your accent. I wasn't sure. Okay, so bringing us back to the subject. Oh, yeah. So you aren't necessarily people who clusterfuck fines, whereas I feel as though I'm living final destination at all times. But when it comes to those moments of humiliation, do you look for the positive? Are you looking for a silver lining in everything? I'm

I'm looking for a joke. Yeah, we're looking for jokes. Yeah. Historically, I mean, no, because sometimes there's not a silver lining. No, the writing is bad. But it's okay to just feel human. It makes you feel more connected to other humans. Yeah, there are things that are too...

unfunny or to make a joke yeah i'd say one silver lining is like if you're humiliated around other people it's a good way to weed out who you want to spend time with and who you don't that's like the friend that you fall down and they go are you okay and then start laughing yeah that's what you want in your life i have no desire to be mean like yeah i'm not you're not going to come to a show of mine and sit in the front and be like scared that i'm going to be mean to you no no

I fear you in real life, but never in a show. I'm terrified right now. So, OK, I will say I did have friends who comforted me yesterday because I invited this on myself. It was April Fool's. As we've established, I don't like pranking. But I was pregnant in a short film with Baron Vaughn. I played his pregnant wife. And so I had a photo of me super pregnant in a prosthetic.

And I posted it because yesterday was April Fool's because I saw a couple comics that like posted April Fool's things. Like, I guess I'll do that. My friends and fans are like far too supportive. Yeah. And I ruined my own day. Like, they were like, what happened? This is so exciting. You're going to be such an amazing mom. And I also started my period, ironically. So I was like, maybe I would be a great mom. Of course you would.

They're like naming the baby. She's going to be beautiful. I think I do feel Gabby Reese is still actually upset with me. She sent me a voice note that was like, you're so far along, but whatever you need, like I'll come over and I can. I was like, I am a monster. You have to keep it up now. You'd be amazed what people can do. One of the more famous singers in the world, whose name I will not say, but she had a surrogate, which is fantastic.

great and fine um had a surrogate but didn't really want to have to have that conversation with the world so she just gained a ton of weight on purpose so that and then wore maternity clothes for the whole 10 months that's what i'm doing now we're going to be right back after the break

Adam Pally here. And I'm Jon Gabrus. We're a couple of actors and best friends who you may know as the hosts of the TV show 101 Places to Party Before You Die. Now we're bringing you a comedic look at health and wellness with our new show, Staying Alive. We'll have guests like our friend, actor Jerry O'Connell. Ketamine therapist, Dr. Stephen Radowitz. Paul Scheer. Eggo Wodum. Jillian Bell. Dr. Doolittle. Staying Alive with Jon Gabrus and Adam Pally is out right now. Get them a week early and ad-free with SiriusXM Podcast Plus on Apple Podcasts.

McCrispy strips are now at McDonald's. I hope you're ready for the most dippable chicken in McDonald's history. Dip it in all the sauces. Dip it in that hot sauce in your bag. Dip it in your McFlurry. Your dip is your business. McCrispy strips at McDonald's.

Okay, well, given that you both have such a positive, not mindset, but maybe relationship with humiliation. Yeah, exactly. Given that you both have such a positive relationship with humiliation, I'm dying to hear your stories. Amy, I'm going to start with you. Give me some of your favorite wrong turns.

I mean, I feel like it started very early, like social humiliation. Again, I just was the same as a kid, which I just like didn't know what was going on a lot of the time, but also shameless in a way. Yeah. Just like, I don't know, just like scattered. And I did not, unlike now where I'm a social butterfly with so many friends. Yeah. So charming.

So perfect. Big friend. Yeah. No friends as a child, like zero. So that was just sort of like I'm invisible. So it doesn't matter if I'm embarrassed. But I got invited to a party like at six years old. And I was like, I don't know how this happened, but let's fuck.

fucking go. I'm going to be super cool at this party and be the funnest. What did you wear? Oh, that's a good question. I mean, I think we all showed up in pajamas kind of thing. Okay. Like matching pajamas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What were your pajamas like? I need a visual. At that time, I would have to guess it was probably like a strawberry shortcake.

Situation or maybe a rainbow bright. I'm aging myself. Yeah, and mine would have been like just a sleep shirt, new kids on the block. Oh, yeah. New kids, a lot of new kids stuff for sure. Debbie Gibson. I slept in my school uniform so that I would always be ready for school the following morning. So you. So why was I bullied? By the way, with my shoes on. Oh,

I was dressed up fully ready. So cute. Backpacked by the bed. Shoes off at the end of the bed. Shoes on at the end of the bed. Slept in my shoes. Just a psycho. A psychopath. I don't know. I think you're ready to go. And I wasn't stinky the next day. Huh?

Because kids stink when they sleep. I'm sorry. I'm not a sweaty person. I love children. Oh, okay. No, no, no. In a way that I'm just sort of like I'm storing in all the toxins and the juices at all times. Until it comes out of your butt. That's why I'm so ill. I'm not even Indian. This is just, this brown is just disease. My thing as a kid was like you could find me talking to one adult or a pet. But I like peel off from the whole crew and I'm hanging out with my friend's uncle. No.

No. Oh, yeah. Just shooting the shit. He's like talking about the Korean War. I'm like, he's just letting me like this big tub of Neapolitan ice cream. Like the whole like he's just like, I'm so happy to have someone listen to me. By the way, this is how how to catch a predator. I was going to say exactly that non creepy way. He's mistaken Amy for an adult. Yeah.

But I feel like I've become that adult. Like, I love kids so much. I'm clearly not a molester. But I love to sit down and talk to one kid. Correct. But you have to be like, okay, I'm a childless adult. Like, maybe people think this is weird. But yeah, non-creepy way. Very nice man. And he's just like, as long as you listen to me, you can keep eating this ice cream. So I'm just fucking going to town. I don't know where all the other kids are. They're playing. They're doing some slumber party shit. And I'm just sitting alone with one veteran. Um...

And so I kind of like reconvene with the kids when it's pretty much time to go to sleep. And I'm like, well, I've had a great night. I'm like a barfly at six years old. That's what I still enjoy doing. Just sitting and talking to one random old man.

Great stories. But I'm like in my sleeping bag and everyone's falling asleep and I feel like something to brew in. And I'm like, I haven't spent time at this house. I don't know what to do. So I was just like, I don't know. I'll just see what happens. No. Hold out. No, honey. Full. No. Fully diarrhea. In my sleeping bag. Yeah. Oh, no. In my sleeping bag. But I had fallen asleep already.

So I don't know for a while, apparently, and I'm just flipping around. Oh, God. Oh, no. What do you mean you don't know? She's asleep. It would have felt like hot lava. She's comfortable. Well, that's how I woke up and figured it out because I feel warmth, which then turns cold, and I put my hand in the room. Oh, no.

Then I like have to do something. So I like slither out of my diarito. Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm picturing little freaking diarrhea footprints. I know. It probably is true. And then I found like her parents' bedroom.

Oh. And like knock on the door and it's like the middle of the night and then they wake up and they're like, you know, what do you need, honey? I need a hazmat suit. Yeah, I know. I'm literally covered in shit. I need a helicopter to take me to another land. Yeah. Because I can never face people again. I need bleach on my skin. Kids are so cute. Like so good with the understatements though, you know, because it could just be, it was a very bad situation and I'm just like, I think I pooped. Not sure. Come on.

Covered in it. Not sure. And they're just like, you know, Jesus Christ or whatever Christians say. Do you remember what happened next? They had to bathe you. They... They throw away everything. Yeah. And called my dad to come pick me up. And it's like, you know, 4 a.m. And he...

comes to get me and just brings like garbage bags. Yeah. To put you in one. So I could get in his truck. Yes. Yes. Covers me in garbage. Like step in this garbage bag and I will carry you out. That's a good idea. I'm sorry. No. Sorry. No. Yes. Why were you not allowed to shower in their home? I don't know if they were just like...

you guys deal with it. Depending on the age of the child, I don't know what I would do. Yeah, and sometimes when he's not your own kid. Because if he's not your own kid, am I wiping poop out of her cracks? Do you know what I mean as an adult? It's a tricky thing. I would hose her off at the side of the lawn.

I would have hosed you down. I would let the dad come over and give you a shower rather than take you covered in shit in bin liners in his car. Yeah. These are bad people. I would have wanted to be extradited. Yeah. Yeah.

Extricated. I think he didn't want poop on his truck seats, but it also maybe made him feel weird to be like washing his daughter and strangers. How old were you again? First grade? Okay. So he comes and gets you. You're in the tub. Yes. They're like yard bags. I wonder if they found diarrhea footprints that I was talking about. I mean, it was for sure a carpeted hallway because it's the 80s. So it's like, yes, definitely. Oh, okay.

They're trying to find... I don't know what happened to the sleeping bag. Now I'm starting to understand why they just wanted to get you the fuck out of the house. Yeah. I set the house on fire. I mean, who knows how long I was rolling around in it, you know? Oh, no. Oh, no.

You look like one of those people that's like been on Naked and Afraid for like three weeks. Yeah. And he did just get we didn't live far, thankfully. And so put me in the trash bag and then got me home. And he which actual white trash, by the way, I really like that part of it. And then hosed me down on our front lawn. And it's just like.

Well, I went to my first party. Yeah. Did I do a good job? Yeah. First sleepover. If you want the very sad addendum to that story. I do. We hate happy endings. And it's not funny at all. Okay, I'm ready. But this next story

slumber party I got invited to obviously this was on my mind I was like okay I'm gonna like make everybody proud and not shit myself all over the place at this one yeah I'm gonna be so cool and then I've just my dad dropped me off at like that party and I was just like not we're not gonna do what we did last time right dad had what got around and

Oh, of course. So my dad drops me off and I actually do have a wonderful time. I'm super cool at this slumber party, second party ever. Nobody's even brought up. There's no like, oh, Diarito Amy, right? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Everyone's being nice. I really was like one of the greatest slumber parties of my life. It's so fun. Everything goes great. He didn't pick me up in the morning because he died while I was at the slumber party. Are you fucking kidding?

I have to laugh when I say it. Oh my God. So then my aunt came to pick me up who didn't even live in the same town and I was like, what are you doing? Visiting? Yeah. Where's dad? And she's like, well, we'll tell you when we get home. She's like, get in this garbage bag. I have to take you home and tell you some bad news. I'm going to close you down. This is sort of my two first summer party experiences ever. And are you able to do a summer party? Fully diarrhea myself and then kill my own father. Yeah.

Oh, wow. That is mad with the craziest left wrong turn I have ever heard. It is the last thing I ever fucking saw coming. Jesus. You're welcome. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Oh, my God. There's also a story you have about gnarly period sex. Oh, me? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, me. Oh, me. It could be any one of us.

I know. And I've got to preface by saying I don't give a shit about having period sex. Obviously, if I am in pain. Right, right. And you feel gross and tired, then it's like, no. But I don't care about the blood. But straight men are babies. Some. I mean, I've had some that are, like, great about it. Oh, for sure. Some great about it. Some too into it. And then you're like, all right.

Let's relax a little bit. You don't have to eat it. But fine. I'm not going to say no. Do you have an iron deficiency, sir?

But sometimes it I mean, this is like my mid 20s. And so I was more like actively giving a shit about men's comfort and how they were feeling. Oh, yeah. Now I don't care to be young. Yeah. And so it's like, you know, at the time, you're like, well, I'm fine with it, but I don't know. But I also have this thing. I don't know if you guys have where if I do know that I am like going to get laid a lot of time, my period will just take a break.

Does that happen to you? Like it'd be dead in the middle of like a very heavy period and then it's just like, oh, gone. Wow. And then as soon as the sex ends, it's back.

Wait, hold on. Pre-sex, though? Like, once the thought is in your brain or while the dick is pumping? Once the thought is in my brain. See, that's interesting. Oh, my God. Wow. That's like swimming. Imagine having a wing woman, you know, of a period who's like, Amy needs to get some dick tonight, so we're going to truly create a safe space for her. Game off. So I thought I had...

I was in that phase of just like it was going to take a break because it was someone I just started dating. We've been on like a few dates. We hadn't had sex yet. This is going to be like our night. So clearly I was like thinking about it and my body was like, OK, we're going to clear that shit out of the way. So I didn't say anything. And then, you know, it happens. We do the thing. It's very fun. But during I'm like, I'm so wet. Yeah.

But his sheets are dark, like a maroon. Yeah. His skin is dark. So I can't like there's no it's not like there's blood everywhere we can see. And the room is dim. So I'm like, oh, phew. You're like, I really like you. Yeah. And it's like it's everywhere. The enemy to Amy's sleepovers is a blue light.

From childhood to adulthood. It's an SVU scene. When I sleep over anywhere. I don't want to have a sleepover with you anymore. But we were, you know, it's like first sexual encounter. We're like having fun. We're doing shit that you do in your mid-twenties. Like, you know, getting slapped in the face with a dick. Oh my God! A dick. Wait, can you just sort of, sorry, can you just sort of show me what you mean by that?

like is it like were you on top oh no it's like you're under okay on your knees and then you're like giving a blow job okay like you know and then they just like what we always call yeah mid-20s shit you got this mushroom stamp right a mushroom stamp is that really real yeah like did you make that up no that's what we heard mushroom stamp never in my life no beth

And what's the logic behind that name? Well, think about a penis. Right. And we know the origin. Oh, she said, where does it come from?

I don't know what mushroom stamp. Oh, like mushrooms, like the head. The head of a penis. And if it left a mark on your face, it would be a mushroom. Right. Yeah. Like a rubber stamp. Why do people like to slap each other with their penises? I don't know. It's not my thing. But again. I think it's like proof of life, you know? Do you think... I quite enjoy to like...

Just slap my tits across someone's face. So maybe it's the same instinct. I do think so. It's funny. It's a satisfying sound. I enjoy that too. Yeah. Or just like suffocating you. Yeah. Lovely. Yeah. I love suffocation. I'm just killing. Oh yeah. Just killing. So I'm like, you know, we had a great time. Everything's done. He like goes to the bathroom to clean off and then he's like, there's what? Everything.

everywhere. And does he know if it's come from him or from you? He's not bleeding. Why would he be bleeding? Because a banjo string stabbed him.

He's like, it's chill, but just to let you know, there's a situation because he's like rinsing off in the sink and there's just blood everywhere. So your theory that your period stops is immediately shot down. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, shit. OK, I guess I better go check myself out. And then we swap and I go in the bathroom full light. Carrie, I do have a lot. Oh, but I have been slapped in the face of the bloody. No.

So I look like David Bowie. Oh my God. Full Ziggy stardust, just red blood swiped across my face. Oh my God. And apparently he's been looking at this. I'm just imagining her looking like a Pollock. I'm like, I'm really sorry.

But I wouldn't even say that now. That's what's so funny. I'm like, I would never apologize. I know with it. I've known I wanted to have sex and I was probably starting soon and I just was pretending like it wouldn't happen. And then I did bleed all over some guy's linen sheets and he was like,

He was just so stoked on the linen sheets. Oh, Padre Barn. I don't even know where he got them, but he had already told me how expensive they were. A friend of my makeup artist was on a date with a girl at college and he...

He sharted violently in the bed because they'd been drinking a lot. He was fast asleep and it just went all over her white sheets. And it's a girl's room, so everything's really nice. He's like, fuck. And if she wakes up and finds out, she's going to tell fucking everyone.

everyone and it's his first year of uni so he's like this can't be so he tries to clean it up I would cut myself out of the shoes it's smearing it it's smearing it worse no so he's like okay I'm gonna try and pull it out from under her but as he does that she starts to stir and he's like she cannot wake up right now yeah so then he does truly I think this is like the height of the IQ test is what you would do in this situation he scoops it up in his hand no no

And he swipes it gently, affectionately between her ass cheeks. Oh, smart. And then he leaves writing a note saying, I don't think we should see each other again. I hate him. Yeah, of course. So she spends the rest of college thinking she shit the bed and he's just such a good guy for never telling anyone. And when they would cross each other in the hallway, he would look at her like, don't worry, I got you.

and plays the saint and to this fucking day carries the weight of knowing that he has terrified this woman. He's also removed the trust of her in her own asshole. Yeah. Which is a crime. I agree. It is a crime. That's all we have when we're young. The shirt was on his side. Doesn't it feel like a little assaulty? The shirt was on his side. I don't know if it's assaulty. It's too far away from her own ass. No, no, because she could have moved.

You know, it was a perfect crime. And however disgraceful this man is, if the apocalypse comes, I'm heading to his house because he's a problem solver. Oh my God. And I've kept it in my mind since of like, now, if that ever happens to me, I'm taking James out.

100%. Maybe do a little right here too. And you gave yourself a shit mustache. A dirty Sanchez. Thank you, Amy, for those wonderful stories. We'll be right back after the break.

Dr. Dolittle.

Staying Alive with John Gaberson and Adam Pally is out right now. Get them a week early and ad-free with SiriusXM Podcast Plus on Apple Podcasts. McCrispy Strips are now at McDonald's. I hope you're ready for the most dippable chicken in McDonald's history. Dip it in all the sauces. Dip it in that hot sauce in your bag. Dip it in your McFlurry. Your dip is your business. McCrispy Strips at McDonald's.

Hello, and we're back to Wrong Turns, still with Amy and Beth. Beth, it's your turn. It's your turn. Hi. What wrong turns have you made? You know, similarly to like at that age, of course, that would have been the last time I would have been properly humiliated. You know, I wasn't yet an adult. And you don't have the funny skills yet to know how to craft it. I was being funny often. But there's ways that your body betrays you. You know, I was a gymnast from first grade.

where we started Amy's story for like six years. We were also gymnasts, right? Oh, for sure. All of us. The three gymnasts together. Team USA. Yeah.

I started gymnastics in first grade. Did it for about six years probably. So, you know, side effects of gymnastics is no boobs, you know. Anorexia. I wasn't. Thank goodness I never dealt with an eating disorder. That's great. Very grateful for that. I was ripped. Me too, totally. Yeah. I was ripped. Same, same, same. I had a six pack. Yeah.

in first grade because you know you train you do I love a real kid I was a semi-pro swimmer so I yeah you're conditioning fully built like Michael Phelps by the time I was 11 yeah and you're doing like you're a gymnast when you're young because you don't know how many ways that your neck can break you know you're like they're like go do this thing and you're like sure I'll absolutely get up on those two high bars I'd love to have a beam come crashing into my crotch bone you know and I thought honestly the one time I

landed on the beam in between my crotch right on my bone. I was like, well, I guess I got my period. And then I went to the bathroom to check for blood. Nothing. It just felt like I thought that's how you got your period. Just blunt force trauma. Anyway. No, you lost your virginity. I lost my virginity to the beam. No, I lost that to a water slide in Orlando.

I was a late bloomer because of gymnastics. So I was doing all kinds of things to keep up because, you know, your worth is based on the male gaze. And I was like, I got to get some of this eighth grade dong. And this smells so weird. I never touched a dong in eighth grade, but just kids that age smell so bad. I feel like mushroom stamp happened.

When was that? Now, 8th grade might have been too soon. Because the whole penis is the same size as a mushroom at that age. Yeah, the tiniest of mushrooms. Yeah, a little button mushroom. So no one knows about mushroom stamp, Beth. Stop trying to say it like it's a regular thing. Okay, sorry, I'll stop. Stop trying to make mushroom stamp happen. I'm just trying to bring it into the zeitgeist. She wants it to be the fucking title. I think you're right. She's trying to make it the title of the episode because she's upset about diarito. I'm fine with that. No, I envy diarito. Okay.

So I was trying to keep up and be, you know, a sexy child. And I did steal my mom. My mom was also not a late bloomer, but just, you know, small chested. So she had a water bra. Remember that was from Victoria's Secret? Right. Which they got the idea from, you know, a hose and water balloons. And they were like, let's profit off this and women's insecurity. So I stole my mom's water bra.

I was already wearing that quite a bit. We would party over at my friend Sarah's house. Her parents were both doctors and never around. So they had a big house and we were unattended. Eighth grade partying? Oh my goodness. Yeah. Yeah.

Midwest is wild. Midwest is wild. By the time I was a senior, I was just grizzled. So we're drinking because there's a liquor cabinet and I'm sure we watered it down. They had a pool. And you're 12. We must have been seventh grader. This is like seventh or eighth. Okay. Maybe, yeah. Cool, cool, cool. You're drinking at 11. There must have been a pool cover. Yeah. Yeah.

They must have been like, set the scene. Yeah, of course. Isn't this the plot line to kids? The movie. We would try to see who could run across it without dying. The pool cover. So I'm wet. I'm soaked. I'm wearing like mud. Remember the brand? Oh, yeah. Tackies. Of course. Probably size zero because I have no, you know. Same for us. Little bodied. Yeah. And I decide, because I'm always looking for laughs. I think our friend Mary had probably already like,

barfed up all the Milwaukee's best that we had chugged. And I lean over. I'm going to moon my friends because I'm all wet from the pool. And I am also flexible, as you'll recall. And I bend over a little too far and show them my hoot, you know? So I'm looking for a moon, but I give them the... Cho-cha. An eclipse, yeah. And...

They realize I have no pubes and they really are shocked because I'm, I mean, like I'm not developed. I don't have boobs either. It appears that I have boobs, but they're just water and packets. Yeah.

you didn't think to stick on any pubes. Right, exactly. I was like, little did I know. Instead of cutting off my ponytail for Locks of Love, I should have taped it between my legs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just sort of individual. I didn't have a dad. You could get individual eyelashes. I forgot. Just get individual eyelashes with the glue. Go.

Get some on. Get some going. If only I knew. So yeah, of course I was ridiculed. But nothing says everything is wrong with a woman like being bullied for not having a puke. Or having a puke. Do you know what I mean? It's a good lesson in not being able to win. I accidentally, so one time when I was six or seven, I was performing in a school play. I was playing Oliver's mother. So I just have to die at the beginning.

Truly, I have like three lines. I say, no, one line. I just say, give me my baby. And then I'm handed over Oliver Twist in my arms. And then I die while he's in my arms. And as I die, like I know to like relax my full body and I'm facing the audience. So my feet are at the audience. And when I relax, my legs open. I'm six. I

I forget to wear underpants all the fucking time at that age. That was one of those days. And so the audience goes, and I'm thinking, oh my God, they all think I'm actually dead. Yeah. I'm such a great actress. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. My parents probably think I'm really dead. Wow, this is such a convention.

I had no idea that the light goes dark really quickly, like faster than it's supposed to. And then I get off stage and someone comes over to me. But traumatic, traumatic. I could queef on command. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. And she just said, but is it just the sound? Is it the alphabet? It's just the sound. Right. That's not as good. And she said, you, I remember you facing each other while you took air into your rent tents.

Learning how to blast each other with pussy farts. So that was the text. And then she said, and we got kicked out of band after she did the same thing in direct clarinet. And then she said, I can't remember the band orchestra teacher's name. It was Miss Martin.

This is why you need to keep old friends. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Finally, Beth, you have a story with our friend, Brett Goldstein. Oh my God. Yes. We were, I think it was just a matter of like texting or something. Maybe we did a show together because I've known Brett for who knows, 15, 16 years or something. He would come here back in the day, do stand up. And this is all before everybody knew him as Roy Kent or, you know, Ted Lasso. He's very nice. Yeah. Nice guy. And, um,

So who knows? I think we were texting, joking around. This could have been around the time I was actually acting because I don't act a ton. But when I do, I always have fun and love it. And I think I was doing Rutherford Falls. I was playing this wacky teacher on that show. And then he may have been. I forget how it started. I'm sure we could scroll up. The point is, I said something complimentary of me being on the show. And then he was like joking with me that he's like, you should come play Nate's cousin.

Nate on his show, if you watch Ted Lasso, went from like maybe ball guy to like assistant coach, spoiler alert, at one point. I just take it at face value. And I text my manager like, Brett actually said like, come play this part on Ted Lasso. It gets sent, I mean, all the way up.

Everybody starts actually freaking out. Like, what is this role? Why doesn't the casting director know about it? It's rippling through the studio. Everybody's confused. It gets back to Brett. They're contacting him. I'm like, what is this character, Nate's cousin, that we have to cast? Like, I'm wondering if I should put myself on tape. Yeah.

The bottom line here is Nate's brown and Brett was joking because I'm white as the day is long. And there is no role of Nate's cousin. And he is so sweet about it, of course, because Brett is sweet. He's like, Beth,

I am so sorry. I thought you knew I was joking because Nate is in fact a brown person. And I was like, well, now, now I know you're joking after we've sent

An earthquake through the casting system and Apple TV. I understand that embarrassment. I was embarrassed. You took the step to contact your manager and not one bit of research about the character. And you know what else? That's something I quite literally would never do. You've both been...

such a dream. These stories are so silly and I think that my favourite thing about hearing about how people endure disaster or micro humiliations or massive humiliations or their father dying at the end of a slumber party is one of my favourite ways to get to know people because I feel like you learn so much about people's character when they're pressed in this way. So I really appreciate you and you continue to be just

more and more delightful human beings. Before you go, can I read you a story from one of my listeners? Sure. One of my listeners wrote in and said, I was at the airport waiting for a TSA check and I got a pain in my chest so piercing that paramedics had to come tend to me. I got evaluated and I wasn't allowed on my flight until the ER cleared me. I'm still in the hospital hours later when I suddenly let out two...

small farts two farts and then they cleared her but she missed the flight she slept in the airport she missed the bus afterwards that would take her to her best friend's wedding no she was then late for uh she was also in the bridal party because that's how disaster stories work um and she did somehow make it just in time to the ceremony but her er bill was six

which she prices out as $3,000 per tiny fart. Oh my God. Which is pretty fucking insane. So yeah. Did she tie the chest pain to the farts?

huh is that there was chest pain right chest pain yeah but it's like your stomach yeah everyone thinks it's up here it's not it's right yeah under your your lungs so it does feel that way yeah it's higher than we think yeah so you don't know what's going on trapped gas will fucking take you out or bring you to your knees yeah it's true Beth Amy before you go can you tell us where we can find you and what you have out for people to see in this world yes I'm

I'm on tour. Bethstelling.com and you can find me in your city, hopefully. Yeah. And I have a special that's still on Netflix called If You Didn't Want Me Then. There's a half hour in there of HBO special called Curl Daddy. Beth is so funny and you should watch everything she's ever made.

Hello to Amy. I'm also on tour, amymillercomedy.com. And then just follow me on Instagram, amymillercomedy. That's easy, right? Mm-hmm. It's all that matters. You're two genuinely of my favorite comics in the world. That's so sweet. So I'm thrilled that you were here. I love you both very much. Thanks for coming on Wrong Turns. Wrong Turns is created and produced by me, Jamila Jamil, and Stuart Bailey. Thank you to our launch producer, Eve Bishop, our editor, Shannon Joy Rogers, and consulting producer, Colin Anderson. And don't forget to subscribe, like, and review wherever you get your podcasts.

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