Bob the Drag Queen and Mae Martin
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It's the Smucker's Uncrustables podcast with your host, Uncrustables. Okay, today's guest is rough around the edges. Please welcome Crust. Thanks for having me. Today's topic, he's round with soft pillowy bread. Hey. Filled with delicious PB&J. Are you talking about yourself? And you can take him anywhere. Why'd you invite him? And we are out of time. Are you really cutting me off? Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich.

Sorry, crust. Welcome to Wrong Turns. Studio audience goes crazy. This is a podcast that celebrates shame and indignity. I'm just fucking sick of all of the inspiration we're supposed to draw from all of the terrible moments in life. And I feel like we're overdosing on it online. And I just want somewhere where I can chill and

and just own my cluster fucks without it needing to have a silver fucking lining. - Super valid. - And I wanted to bring my friends on to commiserate with me. We are anti-inspiration pro commiseration here. - I'm so done with learning any kind of lessons. - Yeah. - I feel like I've learned a lot and I'm like, I'm ready to just not learn any more lessons. - Is that because you feel like fully formed at wisdom? - No, I'm just exhausted. - Mae is so brilliant.

There's nothing else I can learn. The voices that you are hearing right now are two people that I love so, so deeply. One is a comedian, actor, writer, producer and recording artist. Now their new album is I'm a TV. Their latest comedy special is Feel Good streaming on Netflix. And they are one of the hosts of the Handsome Pod and their series Wayward, in which they star wrote and produced...

What a Slay is on Netflix this fall. It's Mae fucking Martin. Yay. I wish I had gone first because I feel like your rundown is going to be better than mine. I disagree. And this next up is Bob the Drag Queen Who's Here. Oh, God.

No, we have a comedian, activist, musician, author, and actor. They are RuPaul's Drag Race winner. Their new single is Queen of the Underground and they stole the most recent season of The Traitors and they just released their debut novel Harriet Tubman live in concert which is doing so unbelievably well in the charts. It's Bob the fucking Drag Queen. Come on. I will add it is a New York Times bestseller. Oh,

Yes, it is. Which is a novel, a hardcover novel, which is a really hard list to get on. I mean, the skin of my teeth. I was number 15. Thank God. You know, New York Times bestseller is top 15. It's not top 10. Yeah. But I'm still going to take that. It's a fiction. That's 100%. I'd take that and run with it. I am taking it. I framed it and put it up on my wall. So tell me when it comes to life.

Do you feel as though, I already know the answer to this, Mae, but do you feel as though disaster is drawn onto you? Yeah, I feel like I've magnetized it in a way. Well, I mean, I'm highly functioning. Yeah. But there's like an undercurrent. Okay, well. Yeah, yeah. It's remarkable that I'm here today, that I left my house, but there's like an undercurrent of disaster and chaos for sure. And do you love it? Do you love it?

I think I love it. I think I might love it secretly. Yeah. Yeah. But you live in curb your enthusiasm. That's your. Yeah. Yeah. I live in a just a complete tapestry of constant micro and macro humiliations. I love you call it high fucking. I've only ever heard that used for like autism and alcoholism. I'm sure it applies for both of those as well. Yeah.

Like I'm a high functioning alcoholic. What about you, Bob? You know, I, the truth is I don't embarrass easily. Yeah. Um, what does it take? Well, I would say maybe exposing my body because I typically dress relatively mildly.

Yes. Yes. I don't know what we do. Although I have decided this summer will be my skank tank summer. Okay. A skank tank is like those like thread. Like spaghetti. Yes. Yeah. Basically the men's spaghetti strap. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I've decided this summer will be my skank tank summer. I'm going to have the titties out, honey. You're showing a bit of knee here. And the internet is going crazy and may cannot control themselves. I know. But yeah, I've never been pantsed.

I think that would feel really humiliating. Right, right, right. And I think that maybe if like, because sometimes I wear a wig even out of drag. When I'm wearing a wig out of drag, sometimes I have this constant fear that someone's going to come and snatch my wig off my head. Do you have things like from childhood that haunt you? Like when you're falling asleep at night, you go, like, I'm not saying I do, but. When I was in preschool, so I might have been four years old. I remember going to the bathroom and I fell asleep on the toilet.

So I was, I was, I was, I was like a little drunk, like a little mini little Elvis. Yes. I must've been there for a hot minute. Um, but I remember, I just remember going to the bathroom that I remember waking up and the entire class was at the door. Like,

Oh my God. Is the door open? The door's open. The teacher's in the front of the door and the whole class is like looking in. Okay, so now we know where the exposing myself thing is. Maybe that's what it is. Yes, yeah, yeah. My pants are around my ankle and feet swinging. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so little feet swinging. A friend of mine was at school and...

uh she developed pubes at eight which is super young and she told one of her friends and her friend obviously went and then told the entire school wow okay so she uh the whole school found out about her pubes and rather than become a victim of this which would be very very easy in a primary school she turned it into a business and started charging one pound which is a lot of money back then uh for each child to come into the bathroom stalls with her and see her pubes oh it

She is now the CEO. She said she can't wait to do so well in business that one day she can go back to that stall and be like, and this is where I started my first business. That's how you start your OnlyFans right there. You start charging. Only her fans can look at her pubes. So I was at school and this guy started making fun of me for being gay and dark skinned and having, I had this

big, big afro at the time. And how old are you, sir? Seventh grade. So what is that? 13 or something. Yeah. And then, um, but I have always been very quick witted and very good at making fun of people. Um, did that change? Uh, just kidding. It actually has. You monster. Okay. This has been so fun. Thank you all for having me. Um, do you guys validate parking? Okay. Um,

You know, I do a podcast with Tig Notaro and it's like rubbed off on me. She's so dry and mean to me. Hurt people hurt people. So anyway, so then he was making fun of me and then I was like, okay, well now I have to lay into this guy. And then I was like, what am I going to ask him? I'm like doing the scan, you know, collecting data on him. And he has this giant pimple on his forehead. It's huge. This pimple is

massive so i'm going i'm ripping on this pimple i mean i am ripping i'm letting this guy have it the class is screaming i'm telling all these jokes about the pimple how he the pimple charges him rent how the pimple has its own area code i'm making then i turn some uh your mama's so fat jokes into your pimple so fat jokes i said i remember saying like your pimple's so big you walked in front of my tv i missed the whole episode of rugrats like i was going on and on and then it kind of got quiet and i

And I was like, yeah, that's right. Shut the fuck up, bitch. I gathered you with your big ass, ugly fucking pimple in your fucking forehead. Oh no, I'm scared. And then next year, he was in a wheelchair. No. Because it wasn't a pimple. It was a brain tumor. It was a brain tumor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the year after that, he died. Oh my God.

He's dead. Fully dead to this day. Dead as hell. Dead as they come. Dead as fuck.

And I'm not laughing. You all are. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What was I supposed to do in that situation? That's not your fault. That is not your fault. It was a game of survival. It was. And I survived. Yeah. Oh, my God. Can you just fuck me, Christ? Okay. Oh, my God. Mate, give me. By the way, really quickly, I've been on stage and ripped on someone for not watching me. And they turned out to be

Visually impaired, yeah. But I was like, why did you even come? If you're just going to like, you're not even, why aren't you looking at me? Like, I was maybe 20 and I was. Have you heard about what happened with Robbie Williams? Where Robbie Williams was on stage at an arena and there's like a whole section, like everyone else is dancing. There's a whole section that aren't dancing and aren't up on their feet at all. And he just starts like, he's like, why aren't you dancing? Why did you even come here? And starts booing them and then gets the entire arena.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like a huge boy, but he's a huge boy band member who went solo and he's a natural treasure in England. And Brits cannot believe that Americans don't know this man. He gets the entire stadium to boo them. And then his manager's on the side of the stage going, no, no, don't do it. And it turns out it's the disabled section, of course. Yeah, pretty mad. And then he just launches straight into singing Angel's.

because he doesn't know what else to do. What else can you do? May, you have a micro-humiliation story? I do. Yeah? I had a really big crush on someone one time.

Can we give them a fake name? One time. My whole life is having a crush on someone. I came out of the womb and had a crush on a doctor. Yeah, exactly. Can we give them a fake name for the purposes of the story? Dave. Dave. Okay. No. Davina. Davina. Davina. That is a hideous name. Sorry, Jane and Davina's listening. Crush on this person.

And I was sort of working with them. And then they came over and we were doing like YouTube DJ. Like we were just watching YouTube videos. And then they went to type something in my YouTube. And I suddenly I kind of flinched because I was like, oh, what about my search history? And let's say the last name is Davina McCall. Yeah. Okay. So...

the search history as she clicked on the thing was Davina McCall, Davina McCall boyfriend, Davina McCall bloopers, Davina McCall singing. Like it was so specific and detailed. And then we both kind of pretended it hadn't happened. And yeah, that is, we still have never spoken about it. You'd rather it just be porn. Yeah. Oh, I'd rather it be twisted. You'd rather it just be like Mae Martin getting fisted. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think the Davina McCall bloopers.

bloopers is the worst one. The Vina McCall's home address. The Vina McCall's best friends in school. The bloopers is bizarre. And boyfriend. But you're still friends. Yeah, we're friends. Yeah, yeah. Just an awkward moment. Just a little awkward moment. How many friends do you have that you had crushes on? All of them. And still do. I had a crush on May. We missed the boat. Oh my God. We fucking missed the boat. Crazy. We told each other way too late. Way too late. I know. And now we're family. Now it's in there. It's all fam. Yeah.

I almost got left hanging. I didn't know what was happening. It was such a long time. And also with no eye contact. You saw what was going on. And you saw what was going on. And you recognized it. And then we felt the tumbleweed.

I was like, I was like, I was like, I think I'm going to tell you guys my micro embarrassment story. The time I tried to dap up May Martin on a podcast and they left me hanging. So obviously I say it's going to be quite blue here, but my biggest embarrassment of my life actually was. This is what I'm here for. This is. So I have a very, very, very tiny bladder. I do. You probably get a lot of piss in this podcast.

A lot of piss and poop. No, I think you are actually currently the piss champions. Yeah. High five. May caught that one. Because you turned and looked at me. The last one was like this.

I thought it'd be cool and I thought you would clock it immediately. Welcome to white people. Canadian at that. So I was on this tour called The Haters Roast. The Haters Roast was basically a roast tour but instead of roasting one person, everyone just roasts everyone. And I was closing the show. I'm hilarious so I'm obviously closing the show. I always have to pee. I have to pee right now. I constantly have to pee. I pee

On a light day, nine times a day. On a heavy day, it can be 25 to 30 times a day. Oh my gosh, like a heavily pregnant woman. Constantly pissing. Do you wear a nappy or anything? No, I'm just running to the bathroom all the time. In fact, I went to the doctor and the doctor was like, your estrogen levels are that of a very estrogenized cisgender woman. Okay.

Okay. Seriously? Yes. I had to take some estrogen blockers. I was on estrogen blockers for quite some time. Wow. Because I'm very cunt. Yeah. Naturally. This shouldn't shock any of you considering how gorgeous I am in drag. I wasn't surprised at all, to be honest. I don't know why you were so shocked. I'm so stunning in drag. So I'm on stage and I'm closing out the show. The moment they announced my name at the top of the show, I was like, fuck, I have to pee.

I have to pee. And a roast is not like a regular comedy show. At a regular comedy show, everyone, you go up one at a time. Yeah. But the roast, the point is, everyone has to be up there to see themselves getting roasted. The humor is, Mae Martin's so Canadian that they bleed maple syrup, whatever. That's not great. And then you get to see Mae, you can be like, ah, come on.

You know what I mean? That's the point of it. So I'm up there the whole time getting ribbed on and the jokes are quite funny. So it's activating it more. I don't understand biology. I'm not a doctor, but when you stand up, the human anatomy, when you stand up, something changes.

In pissing, having to piss. I feel the earth move under my feet. As I stand up, it's like, oh shit, it's go time for pissing. And also, there's something about the closer you get to the toilet, the more you have to pee. 100%. I can't explain that. You have to be holding it for one day or one minute. Once you're at the toilet, you can't hold it. So I know I'm getting closer to getting to the toilet. I stand up and I'm like, oh shit, I'm thinking to myself, I'm not going to make it.

I'm not going to make it. And it's my turn to go do comedy now. So I get up and I'm like doing my comedy. And then I was like, I remember thinking I have to leave the stage and come back and finish my set. But I'm in drag. I mean, I'm wearing a corset hip. It'll take me 10 minutes to leave, get undressed, get redressed and come back. So I'm going to power through. And then I decide to myself, well, what I'll do is I'll sit down. So I try to lean on the table and I'm like, this is,

It's not working. I actually have a really good idea. I'm actually going to just let out a little bit of pee. No. Well, where were you when I needed you, Jamila? Because, you know, pee doesn't work that way. I would say piss is like a frat boy. No, you're treating it like a fart, right? So you let a little release out and then it creates some less pressure for the poo. I was desperate, Jamila. I was desperate. So I was like, I'm going to let out a little bit.

It does not work that way. So I decided- - Oh my God. And where did you think the little bit was gonna go? - Well, I'm wearing a gown. - Okay, you're wearing a gown. - And I'm thinking it'll get soaked up into my clothes and my garment. Like it'll just get soaked in my tights, my hip pads. - Spanx, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, it'll just, it all, it's just a little, you know what I mean? I spilled a drink on myself and I had it and I hit the floor. So then I'm like, I decided to let out a little bit of pee and I am now just fully pissing myself on stage.

I'm also in my hometown. Are you still speaking while this happens? I'm still speaking. How are you able to do that? Because normally when people pee, everything freezes for a second. Except your butthole. You always do that little fart. But you know when someone's peeing in the sea because they'll be like, I know. That's so true. So how are you able to? It's the same one that they'll make on set when they've got an air set. They'll be like, no, I know. No, that's great. We're going to get you your sandwich. You're

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. So you're able to speak while pissing is crazy. This is from years of training from singing songs while peeing at the toilet. This is like Beyonce singing on a treadmill. Exactly. So I'm doing my jokes, but I will say that as I am telling my jokes, the weight of the world as I lift it off my bladder, I feel free as a bird with its hell in the breeze. I am now...

I can do anything now. So I think this may have been the funniest I've ever been in my life. I was ripping and roaring. I was eating. I was the children. Has the water hit the ground yet? Oh, baby. So I'm wearing this gown. It's a beaded gown. At the time, it was the most expensive gown I owned at the time. And it's heavy. So I've trapped it all. I'm standing in a little reservoir, a little piss water tower that I created myself. Trapped within. And it's all trapped within the gown. And I'm just doing my bits. And I'm hilarious. And then I said, thank you, good night. And they're all like, what?

They were like, what? They were like, my God. And then I realized I have built myself a trap. I can't go. I cannot even move from the spot. I can't move from the spot. So then I looked to this queen named Alaska and I just panicked and I said, girl, I peed. Oh my God. And then she looked at me and she goes, yeah, girl, you peed.

And I was like, no, bitch, I'm not making up new lingo, bitch. I was like, no, girl. And then I looked over at this queen named Latrice Royale and I said, girl, I peed. And then she goes, what? And I pointed down at the ground. I was a little bit tricking out of the back of my dress. And she goes, girl. So then I am like panicking. And then the host of the show is a queen named Ginger Minj. So I was like, you know what? I was the last one. I'm just going to stay at the podium. And then.

they'll just say thank you good night they'll close the curtain at least now only my sisters will know what i've done only they will know what's happened to me and then um but ginger means he's gonna be like come on girl have a seat we're gonna close out the show and i was like no no i can be like no let's just i just keep clapping and ginger means is insisting she's like come on girl sit down like she's not picking up what i'm putting down at all and then i realized there are no curtains at this

There's no curtains. So you're going to have to stand there until the whole audience. So I decide to turn around and bail. I'm like, I'm going to bail. And I turn around and I just kind of shuffle out. And then I am just splish splashing as you're shuffling out. There's a trail. I'm dragging this. Oh, my trail all the way back to the dressing room. And then the promoters filmed the trail. No, no, no.

What? All my DNA on the ground, up to the bathroom door, and posted on the internet. No! It's probably still up on the Murray and Peter Presents Instagram page. If you scroll back far enough, I bet a dollar is still there. And were they posting it, like, to drag you? Well, they were like, oh, it's the haters roast. It's crazy. Look at all the madness that happens. Come out and see what's going to happen in the next town. You know what? Did you just tell people you squirted?

yeah yeah that's the only way out of that i came clean i was like i squirted my estrogen levels are so high yeah i need to see the video that's that is fucking mad and happening in front of a crowd as well and the and like that you would in my hometown in your hometown during a roast where the whole point is to ridicule you yes one of the only things that happens to me on a bodily level in front of

like loads of people, like an audience was when I was DJing at this young farmer's ball where it's just farmers. How young you got to be to be a young farmer? I think like,

16 plus wow 16 to 24 i think is roughly it so we have these young farmers balls and you can drink and like whatever so maybe it's 18 to 24 but they're um it's it's like new year's eve every time they party like no one you've ever seen it's the most fun vibe of all time um and so i'm djing and it's 6 000 people and they have decided to put the decks on the speakers which is a

I used to DJ a lot. Yeah, that's what I was doing when May and I first met. I DJed for like eight, nine years. So I'm DJing. They've put the decks on the speakers, these giant speakers, big enough to play out to 6,000 people. I was like, this is fucking insane. How is this going to work? All my vinyl's going to skip. Everything's going to go wrong. Vinyls? Yeah, sometimes. Old school, honey. After this, I never did vinyl again. So I get on the speakers and...

the speakers are vibrating so heavily that everything's shaking, everything's moving. And I'm already, I'm a woman, I'm a radio presenter, like people already think I don't know how to DJ. So if anything fucks up, they're going to think it's because of me. So I'm concentrating so hard on making sure everything goes well. And I'm trying to like add some digital stuff so that they're not going to be skipping all the time. And then within about two minutes, because I'm a very, very sensitive person, cliff

clitorally, I, oh my God, I start feeling an orgasm coming and I'm like, I, I can't, I cannot, I can't believe I've never told you this story. Oh my God. Because it's vibrating so intensely and all the bass and I'm like, I think I'm, oh my God, I think I'm going to cum. Oh,

I think I'm going to come in front of 6,000 people. And I've never experienced this before. So I'm just like, my hands are shaking and the song is getting bassier and bassier and bassier. It was like Dizzy Rascal. Oh my God. Some people think I'm bonkers. I wish it was Angel by that fucking guy. No, I would have been fine if it had been that song. So I just stopped coming in front of everyone. How long is this last thing when you...

I guess what the orgasm is about 30 seconds, 40 seconds, because it's going on. And I'm like, so everyone thinks I'm having an asthma attack on the stage. And I'm like, yes, it's asthma. You're like, give me the albuterol. Just there. Just go...

And the song is about to change and I'm like, I've got to stop coming soon. And then, so the orgasm passes and I change and then once you start orgasming, you can't fucking stop. That's the beauty and the curse of being a woman is that it's multiples, right? So it's just like another song comes on and I used to DJ explicitly like hip hop and R&B. So it was all bass, everything. I came like

20 times. This is crazy. 20 times. It was, it was, have I ever told you this story? My producer's gone completely purple. Is this standard for you when you're having sex to cum that many times? No, not 20 times. No, my God. No, James has got a job. But you can cum.

but you were the one who kept dropping the bass. You didn't have to drop the beat every time. I can't use a vibrator, like a very, very strong vibrator. You can't even use a weak one. You can't stand near a fucking...

I don't even have an electric toothbrush. You can't stand here in Alexa without fucking coming. So, yeah, I just keep coming and coming and coming. And I'm getting weaker and weaker and I'm finding it harder and harder to stand. And I'd read this story about this woman who came like 24 times, which is not many more times than I'd just come in front of 6,000 people. And she died.

surrounded by her sex toys because she had heart failure and so I was like oh my god I'm gonna die coming like in front of 6,000 farmers so I'm sorry

So I eventually, at the very end of the set, the adrenaline keeps me going, and I literally faint at the end of the set. Oh my God. And they think it's still the asthma, right? So they load me into the car, but I'm still kind of breathing. My tour manager, Winnie, I think, picks me up, carries me to the car. I'm completely out. He cannot wake me up when we arrive back at my house. It's like a five-hour drive. So he just sits there and lets me sleep because I'm...

I'm in some sort of like weird cum coma a coma and so I'm so I'm I'm there unconscious um and I can't pee for like 24 hours because it's numb and then I'm like he starts hitting speed bumps but yeah that was one of the most and I I don't think I've ever talked about it publicly I don't think because I I had to bury it so deep in my mind and some people

tell what's happening there's gonna be some farmers who listen to this and are like okay that checks out they're like they're going back to their videos that's wild yeah that's crazy anyway i feel like i've overshared

Bob, I think it's very iconic the way that you just carried on through that set. I think that's one of the coolest, boldest things I've ever heard in my life. I think it's time for everyone to have a little break. Should we have a pee break? I could pee. Yeah? I could pee. Oh God, thank you so much. Thank you.

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Well, welcome back, everyone. You're getting a very relaxed version of us because we all peed during the break. It felt like a bold suggestion when I said it, and then it was so the right thing. Okay, May, now that we're back, what's your big wrong turn? This took place, I take you now to 2018.

It was maybe the year before we met in Edinburgh at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. And maybe it was 2010. And I was a little like skinny jeans, like cutting my own hair a lot, over plucking my eyebrows. It was a big Justin Bieber phase. Very Bieber vibe. Yeah. Yeah. And I was really nervous to be at the Fringe. I didn't know many people. They would refer to themselves as like a small kernel of sweet corn. Yeah. I really identified that way mainly. Yeah.

And so I wanted to make friends at the festival and I saw that Margaret Cho was playing at the festival. I'm a huge fan. And also, like we said, I'm made of crushes. I think I had a big crush on Margaret Cho growing up. I'm going to be very hurt if you don't at some point develop a crush on me. Oh, it's happened. Do you think it hasn't happened? Everyone's getting crushes. We're both in love. I've had a crush on you since you first came on one of my podcasts. If you think it didn't happen when...

we high-fived. You're kidding yourself. That told me everything I needed to know about the sexual chemistry. Also, the only thing that... Nothing makes me have a crush on someone more than someone making fun of me, which is so toxic. Like, someone being...

cruel. You're bricked up for Tig Notaro every episode. Anyway, so I got a ticket to go see Margaret Cho and I went with my friend and I was so excited to see her. And afterwards I was like, I'm just going to linger by the door and then maybe when she comes out I'll say, hey, we're both North American or something.

North American is crazy. It's crazy to be like that. Because that's not a thing. I want to be clear, we don't say that. No. I have never met a Mexican or a Canadian be like, we're both North American. No.

Do you see that? Yeah, a continent. But is it kind of because you're abroad, right? So no one else is North American. Everyone's Scottish and English. So you're trying to be like, it's the two of us, you know, alone together. That was my whole...

So the show ends and... But wait, did that stop her in her tracks? I thought we were both comedians. Yeah, that's what I should have... I think we vaguely knew who each other were. And so she was with a big group of people and we all start chatting. And I'm like, oh my God, I've infiltrated the...

And then... I hope she doesn't listen to this. It'll sound so creepy. But then she mentioned that she was going to go and see a drag show that night called Briefs, I want to say. Is that... Yeah. Like Australian... Yeah, yeah. Like famous Australian drag show that was in Edinburgh at the Fringe. And so I was like, yeah, I'll come. And I was so excited. I got all dressed up that night, plucked my eyebrows till they were... It was just like someone had taken a stapler and like stapled my face. And...

Okay, so I go to the show and it's just like a cool, it's like one in the morning that it starts at the Fringe. And as you're going into the show, and I'm kind of trailing along with this group, you have to write down your name and put it in a bowl for some kind of raffle. And as I'm writing my name, I'm like...

it's going to be me. Like, it's going to be me. It's going to be me. Yeah, I'm like, I just know that, you know what, you just know. I'm like, I'm going to be the one chosen. Yeah. And I put it in and I am quite introverted and I was like, I hope they don't pick me and of course, like, the show ends.

It's the final finale. They pick my name. And have you had this feeling of anxiety the whole time? The whole time. That at some point I'm going to get picked. Whatever this is, it's going to be me. And so they pull my name. They say my name. And everyone in the group is like, oh. And so I go up. And whenever I'm called on stage for something like an audience interaction thing, I'm just like, I want the performers to like me. And I want to do whatever is needed of me and not try to take up attention. You know what I mean? Like I want to be...

the perfect audience member. I'm like this with Ubers. Like, I practically would suck anyone off to get that five-star review. Yeah. Yeah. I would do it just for the peppermints. Yeah.

So I go up and they sit me in this chair. And also these are like gorgeous, confident people. Like there's this guy in a Speedo, like all oiled up and ripped six pack. And I'm like this little worm creature, like so uncomfortable with my body, like don't know who I am or what my vibe is. And I get a lap dance from this like sexy, confident person. Six foot two realtor. Six foot two realtor.

And then they give me a metal spatula and they say, and this was, the prize was to win like a plate of ham. It was some like,

British... Yeah. And so... Very classic. I have this metal spatula. Scotch egg. Yeah. And the guy bends over and I'm supposed to spank him and he's in this gold Speedo. And I don't know. I was trying to be funnier. I tried to do a good job. I was trying to do a good job. And I, like, wind back and go to spank him. And I guess it turns in the air and I clip his balls through, like... Because he's bent right over and the edge of the spatula, I just...

hit him like and he's in agony like he screams and is in agony and everyone someone comes like takes the spatula out of my hand and like and everyone you're gonna do it again i know and everyone like freezes and this bitch is crazy and i'm like i'm so sorry and and no one's really no one's laughing and they try to and the person's like that's fine and uh i can just see margaret show kind of like what's going on here and then uh i get the plate of ham and go back to my seat but

I don't know. I just think about it all the time that I was trying to be the best audience member. Have you tried to find this man? No, I should. What if he can't come anymore or something? I don't know. Can you show me the motion?

I guess it was like, oh, and the music's playing. Yeah. And they give me the thing. And did you hit him hard? Yeah. Because I imagine you'd go quite gentle. Yeah. And I'm trying to get into it. And I go like this. And it's between his legs. Why would you do it like that? I don't know. Wait, why did you backhand like Nadal? Yeah. That's really intense. So what would you do? I would do this.

Yeah, that's what I should have done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now that you mention it, yeah. I was in the toilet at the Golden Globes. Humble brag.

I was cleaning them, but I was still in them. So I was at the Golden Globes. We were in the toilet and there were all these famous actresses and me in the line. And there's just one functioning toilet for some reason. I can't remember why, but there was just one toilet available. And this woman is pissing in it. I can't remember who she was. She's peeing and then

she suddenly lets out a big fart because she's peeing as fast as she can. And when you pee, when you force pee, it just releases your bum hole. So it's like, but like loud. It's more like, it was one of those like panic ones. There's really like loud ones and it reverberates around this like big golden globe toilet. And I'm fairly certain this was years ago, but I can say damn near certain it was a drunk Salma Hayek who went, whoops. Oh my God. She definitely knew.

And then the piss just stopped, like, midstream. Wait, Samahit was in the line? Everyone was in the line. It was like Olivia Wilde. It was like, what are they doing, people? You know who the partner was? I can't remember. I don't think I recognized her. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think she was famous. I think she was, like, more of a producer or something else. So someone whose face I did not know. Genuinely. Yeah, you buy a map? I buy it. I buy it because I feel like you would say that. No, it was genuinely someone who I didn't remember. But I just remember Samahit was, like, a few in front of me and just went,

whoops and I was like there's nothing and I think about that now every time I pee and every time I start force peeing I think about what happened to that woman and I imagine someone has gonna pop out and go whoops I hear that fucking sound in my head all of the time shout out Summer Hayek yeah I love her so much she's the most fun person you have with yourself like to say it

whoops to yourself every time you fart or pee is funny. And I started doing this thing where every time I am on my own in my house and I fart, I give like a humble smile. And it really cracks me up. Like if I fart, I go. And with that, we're going to a break again.

Finding the music you love shouldn't be hard. That's why Pandora makes it easy to explore all your favorites and discover new artists and genres you'll love. Enjoy a personalized listening experience simply by selecting any song or album, and we'll make a station crafted just for you. Best of all, you can listen for free. Download Pandora on the Apple App Store or Google Play and start hearing the soundtrack to your life.

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same premium wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today.

I'm told it's super easy to do at mintmobile.com slash switch.

Welcome back. Thank you both for being so hilarious. And like 900 stories have come out of all of us today that I didn't expect. We have one last one. This is from a member of our audience. We enjoy including them. It's called Misery Loves Company and it's from Aaron. So Aaron says, I met a beautiful woman at a party recently. We were laughing, dancing, drinking and having the best time. I thought this might be the best night of my life.

The last thing I remember is doing shots with her and I ended up with the worm from the mezcal bottle. What does that mean? At the bottom of the tequila, there's like a worm and they put a worm in the... An actual worm. What the fuck are you talking about? That's a real thing. I know. What's happening? There's a certain tequila called mezcal and obviously all tequila comes from Mexico and there's a worm in it. People swallow the worm. Yeah, yeah. I don't understand what's happening. This is the worst thing I've ever heard. Okay, so...

He's gotten to the worm at the mezcal bottle. So that's an insane amount of alcohol. He's eaten the worm. And the next thing he knows, it's the morning and this amazing woman is passed out near his pants. So then he realizes his pants are soaked. He gently wakes her so he can clean himself up and she starts making out with him. It's then that he realizes that her hair is very wet and wet.

That means that he must have peed on her too. Oh my God. It's all too much shame. So he tells her he needs to go and he did the pee pants walk of shame. Oh my God. So she was like lying. She was lying. I said, she must've like passed out having given him head or something. And then he pisses his pants, pisses all over this beautiful, amazing woman's head. And it sounds like he probably, we don't know how great this woman is. Hang on, hang on.

hang on hang on she might have been a monster no he said she was amazing oh did she oh yeah she's obviously an icon the fact that she wakes up passed out near someone's dick and immediately starts making out with them it's like he said I met a beautiful woman at a party recently shady little bitch she's amazing beautiful people can be shit you know what I mean no but she sounds like a real a real champ honestly it sounds like a match made in heaven

Well, I don't think they ever saw each other again after that. After what was arguably the best night of his life. I mean, how do you come back from that? You've pissed all over her head. If someone peed on me and we were both drunk, I'd honestly be quite forgiving. Because I have peed on people when drunk. Yeah, that's true. That's fair. Have you ever peed? No. On someone? I'm so uptight. Like, even when I'm asleep, I'm trying to be polite.

What if someone wanted it? It would be polite to pee on them. Oh, yeah, then I'd do it. I'm open to it, yeah. Yeah, for sure. For sure. You're a golden shower dream. Oh, yeah. And I've never done it once. What a waste of a tiny bladder. If anyone out there... Wants a golden shower. I could probably accommodate. I'm telling you... May and I would be completely useless. It would be a parched desert. I just figured that when I leave this room, I am going directly back to the bathroom. I'm not.

I'm amazed you haven't pissed already on the couch. These are white couches. Um, you're both fucking hilarious and such special people. I can't believe I have you on my podcast. I can't believe that we're friends. I just adore you so much. And I'm happy that you two have resolved your early beef, uh,

from the start of this podcast. It was too much. Yeah, it was way too much. I was doing it as a bit. It says butch. I know. Butch queen. Tell people where they can find you and hear you and listen to you and read you. You can find me at BobTheDragQueen.com. You can order my book at ReadTheDragQueen.com. And of course, I have my podcast, Living Robbery, which comes out twice a week. You can see it on YouTube.

I got a podcast called Handsome and you can go to maymartinmusic.com. I'm doing more music shows soon. Yay! And your album's out. Album's out now. Exactly. Album's out. I saw you promoting it as a singer now, not a comedian. I'm so fucking proud of you. What a right turn. Congratulations. Honestly, I'm so thrilled for you. Terrifying. Having heard your stories today, I feel very confident that there are more wrong turns ahead for both of you.

given how many have burst out of the seams here so I'd love if you come back sometime I adore you both so much I think this should be the trio yeah we'll do it together alright love you both love you thank you yay

Wrong Turns is created and produced by me, Jamila Jamil and Stuart Bailey. Thank you to our launch producer, Eve Bishop, our editor, Shannon Joy Rogers and consulting producer, Colin Anderson. And don't forget to subscribe, like and review wherever you get your podcasts. Tell a friend about us maybe and you can email us a voice memo of your own wrong turns at

at personaldisasterstories at gmail.com. You can also find full-length video of our episodes on YouTube. And don't forget to listen next week, where I'll be joined by Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and Eric Edelstein. I promise you it's going to be a raucous conversation, and you do not want to miss it. They are hilarious. See you then. Bye.

Finding the music you love shouldn't be hard. That's why Pandora makes it easy to explore all your favorites and discover new artists and genres you'll love. Enjoy a personalized listening experience simply by selecting any song or album, and we'll make a station crafted just for you. Best of all, you can listen for free. Download Pandora on the Apple App Store or Google Play and start hearing the soundtrack to your life.

Hey, everybody, Conan O'Brien here with an ad about my podcast, Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I've had so many fantastic conversations with people I truly admire, people like Michelle Obama, Bruce Springsteen, Maya Rudolph, Tom Hanks. New episodes are out every Monday, and we have a really good time. So subscribe and listen wherever you get your podcasts.