Dan Ahdoot and Tien Tran
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Hello everyone and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is where dignity goes to die. It's a podcast that recognizes that all that work we've done as a culture against shame is actually pointless and we should bring shame back and we are and we're doing it right here. And joining me today we have a comedian, writer and actor from shows like Cobra Kai, Kicknit and Raid the Fridge. He is the author of Undercooked and hosts the podcast Green Eggs and Dan, Danadute. Thank you. Thank you. I am excited to be in this ring of shame. Yeah. Um.

My parents will not be listening to this. Okay. Because it's about to get shameful. Okay, great. Not if I can't help it. Yeah. I'm calling your parents up. Judging by your look, no one's going to be listening to this. So I'm going to see a tank suddenly in my ratings.

And we have an actress, writer and comedian who you've seen on How I Met Your Father and Mr. Throwback, to one of the hosts of Queer Sports Podcast. It's Tin Tran. Hello. Hi. Hello. Good. How are you? I'm good. I'm really excited to be here. I'm so excited to have you here. I know. I'm excited. You both look like very lucky people. And I can't tell if that's just because you're well-dressed and you're both attractive. Are you lucky people? I'm rich. I don't know what your excuse is. I'm very, very wealthy. Oh.

I don't think I'm that, I don't think I'm like unlucky, but I don't think I'm that lucky either. Right, right, right. Yeah. Do you, so you don't feel like you're an unlucky person? No. Is disaster drawn to you? Um, like, were you asking for it? What were you wearing? Do you know what I mean? Um, I,

I don't know. I think I'm pretty good at avoiding disaster. So when it does happen to me, it's catastrophic. Right, right, right, right, right. I think I'm pretty good at avoiding disaster too. Your whole life or is it something you've learned to do? I mean, I think it's something that my whole, I'm like very, I'm such a people pleaser. Like what am I eating? Oh my God. Sorry. Screen grab. Known bigot invites other bigots. I like to disassociate myself from...

What we just saw here together. I'm pretty chill here. There was no nuance there, okay? Do you guys have examples of micro-humiliations that you have? Just for me to get a sense of you and how you respond. Do you want to start, Tia? Okay, I'll start. So when I first moved to Chicago, one of my very first jobs was at a sushi restaurant. And it was spelled Chicago S-C-H-I-G-O-S-T-I-A-N-G.

S-H-I-K-A-G-O after the chef. Oh, Chicago. Chicago. Yeah. Which is really funny you say that because it was pronounced just Chicago. You are rich. But people, I know. Yeah. People would come in and be like. I can afford Duolingo Pro. People would come in and be like, Chicago. Like it was like a Japanese word. Yeah.

Yeah. But we used to also cater the library on the top floor. And I was like poor and like didn't have a lot of money at the time. Yeah, sorry. Do you know what that is? Poor?

- I don't, I'm a, I'm actually not sure why I'm sitting on the same couch as you. - Is that why you're sitting so far away from me? - Yes, this is why. - Good God, your body language. - It's in my rider. I said, I want one round pillow between me and any pool person. - My dinner every night when I worked there was like eating the sushi and the egg rolls. - Were they feeding you? - No. So what we would do is that we would cater the top floor and we would get in the elevator and we'd get 40 floors. I would just stuff food.

Yeah. Into my face in that ride. People's leftovers? No. Before we even walked out to serve them. Oh, wow. Yeah. I was like taking it from the platter before it was being served. And were you very like good at this and strategic and good at covering your tracks? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good at covering my tracks. I could like kind of eat two egg rolls in a 44-inch plate.

Right. Not to brag. All right, deep throat. Okay, yeah. Sorry. No offense. Deep throat lesbian. Yeah. The best kind. The best kind. Yeah.

Can we do a spin-off podcast called Deep Throat Lesbians? Yes. I'll be the co-host. I would 100% go listen to that band. Yeah, DTL. We're going to see DTL tonight. And one of the days, I didn't know that the chef was upstairs. And the elevators opened. I was finishing stuffing a sushi in my mouth. And he was just like...

oh, you can't. He was like speechless. Yeah. Because also like it's a hygiene red flag. Getting in there with your hands. Yes. Yeah. He just like looked at me and was like,

can't do that. Also, how are you able to do this with like, was it a big platter? Were you holding it with both hands? It was on a roller. It would like, it would be multiple plates of like sushi, egg rolls. I think he's a cunt for not being flattered. I mean, it was so good. I was trying to like, were you trying to be like, oh, it's just so delicious. Like the smell like took me over. No, I'm really bad at trying to flatter. Yeah. So I just answered, honestly, I was like,

I'm hungry. So he said his response was, you can't do that. You can't do that. You should have been like, well, you can't spell Chicago like that either. And then throw the food at him. But also, you can't not feed your staff. I know. I've never heard of a restaurant before that didn't feed their staff. We didn't do family meals. That's crazy. Yeah, I'm against him, but that is humiliating. Were you fired or did you just get like a slap on the wrist? I got a slap on the wrist. Big old slap on the wrist. Yeah, fair enough. Do you have like a Pavlovian response every time you're in an elevator? Do you get hungry?

- Just as the mouth starts filling up with saliva. - If I see someone else in the elevator, I'm like, take it from them. - Do you ever ask strangers for some of their food? - No. - Have you? - No. - Like off their- - Sorry? - Oh, wait. - Wait, what? - I know this is a little bit of a pivot.

But that reminded me of the craziest story. Please. That is shameful for my friend. Okay, please. I love. Throw them under the bus. Last week. First and last name. Last week, Dianore. We were at Marvin restaurant here in West Hollywood. And we were sitting down. It was me and my two friends and a young lady I was with.

Humble brag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was a couple next to us. There was a couple next to us. They're having dinner. Gay couple. Okay, we did it. Okay. High five. Equality. Oh, the lesbians are going to get me for that one. Thank you. There was a gay couple and they were having a wonderful date and they had this veal chop. And the chop was, they took it off the bone. The bone was sitting there.

And they were basically done eating, but not really. There was still like a little bit of meat left. And my buddy is like, oh, my God, they're not going to finish the bone. Like, I need like that's so that's such a crime. He's like, I want to eat it so badly. And I said, I'll give you $300. If you don't say anything. He is rich. Because I'm rich. If you don't say anything, grab that bone and just start eating it. You can't say a word until you're done eating it. Mm hmm.

- So you play this sort of little games with your poor friends? - Yeah. - What is this, the fucking Hunger Games? - Yeah, like you. - Oh my God. - You're like a sick little king. - He's like Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator. Just like thumb up, thumb down. - I knew he had just gotten on welfare the week before.

Yeah. I was like, he'll be down for this. Dance, little monkey, dance. He's very wealthy. He's very wealthy. Now he's got $300. And he looks at his wife and his wife is like, do not do this. And he looks at the bone and he picks it up and starts eating it. And he starts eating it. And this guy is like, excuse me, what the hell are you doing? And he's not allowed to talk if he wants to win the money. So he's just quietly finishing eating the bone. The guy's like, I said, what are you doing?

What are you doing? And I'm dying inside that I orchestrated this. Wait, who's confronted him? Is it the person whose bone it is? The person whose bone he's... Wait, he went up to it. Wait, sorry. The table wasn't empty. The table's got them on it. They were sitting there enjoying their date. That's insane. It was mid-date. Oh my God. Wait, hold on. You think I would have paid someone $300 to eat a bone when there's no one else at the table? Rich people are stupid. I have no idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know what you fucking billionaires get up to. Did you go to space recently? Yeah. Yeah. And so he ate this bone quietly as this. And these guys were like on a second date. Like they weren't like they didn't know each other well enough. Oh, my God. You're such an evil genius. Oh, my God. Isn't that the best part? It's so good. It was so humiliatingly awful. And he finally finishes and he's like, I'm going to pay for a whole meal. I'm going to pay for a whole meal.

No. And they're like, we don't want you to pay for our fucking meal. Why'd you just do that? And he's like, my friend, he made a bet. Oh, man. We'll pay for your meal. He's like, I don't want you to pay for anything. That's ridiculous. And then the guy said,

I'm going to self-regulate right now because I am so angry. Oh my God. That's a psychopath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sent him into the lair of a psychopath. That's Insta-therapy speak. That is. From a millennial man. That's really scary. I'm going to self-regulate. I'm going to self-regulate. That's the 2025 Insta-therapy version of the Hulk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. That is, it's the like metrosexual version of that.

I'm going to self-regulate. I'm going to self-regulate right now. Yeah, I mean, because he looked like he was about to fight. I mean, I would be pissed. I would be pissed too. Because I like eating.

every little bit of a bone. Yes. That's the best part. It's the best part. Probably not someone else's. No. No. Yeah. It's like a scene out of a movie, what you made your friend do. I really, I hope you write that into something. Tell me like a micro embarrassment that happened to you. You know, I had a, I had a long string of micro embarrassments. Um, when I moved to LA, the first job I got was, um, I was an actor, uh, on a show on the Disney channel. Please stay seated. And, um,

I played the character. I played a very ethnically diverse, racially open-minded character. Cool, cool, cool. Named Falafel Phil. Cool. Oh my God.

This was real. I love. Yeah, it feels real. First and last name. If you pick a falafel fill, my face will come up for eternity. Yep. But it was really humiliating, this job. And I kind of got... There was a weird... I got trapped into it. Like, I didn't want to actually get it, but I got it. And then... Because you're so good at... Guys. I'm just too good at auditions. Falafel fill. Yeah. And I nailed this falafel fill thing. And falafel fill became the breakout character of this Disney show. Oh, no. And I'm like...

this respectable, you know, trying to be this respectable comedian and I'm going on dates and stuff and kids, I was super famous to like five-year-old kids and kids like don't know that there's boundaries. Like you can't just run up to someone at inopportune times. So like I'd be on a date

And I wouldn't want this girl to know that I'm freaking falafel filled. Yeah, it's not the biggest. No, turn on. Moisturizer. People run up to my... Sorry, I've never said that before. I'm so horrified by myself. I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from. Welcome to Moisturize with Jamil Jamil. Moisturizer opens for deep throat lesbians. I think there is coke in my electrolytes. I'm sorry. Go on. As you were saying...

Anyway, it was this thing of like, I would see, like kids would just run up to the table all the time and be like, Falafel Phil, can I take a picture with you? And they'd be like, who's this Falafel Phil? I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know who these racist kids are. And so would you do the voice? No. Is there a voice? There is a voice. Okay. Do the voice. What you are talking about? Do the voice. It is me, Falafel Phil. You know the guy. Okay.

Yes! That gave me chills. Yeah, I know. I know. A lot of falafel food. I think it actually was a moisturizer after all. Not for me. Shut up, deep throat. So you would never get into character. You would gaslight children wherever you went. No, I would do it. On a date, I wouldn't do it. If I was on a date and I would see them coming to the table because I would know what's happening, I would get up and go to the bathroom.

I would go to the bathroom and I would take out my little chloroform rag. I'd come back into the restaurant. Fade to black, Timmy. You'd lure them to the bathroom. No, I'm joking. But it's not for what you think. It was just to drug them so they fell asleep. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Did you have dates that were like, oh my God, you're Falafel Phil? No, I did hook up with a mom once who was a mom of a kid who was a Falafel Phil. Right, right, right. Was she like, ah, Falafel Phil, do the voice in bed? Yeah, no. I can't wait to tell my son. I can't believe I had sex with Falafel Phil. No, I didn't do the Falafel Phil voice while we were hooking up. I did not do that. Have you ever done any of your characters while hooking up? No.

Okay, well, this is a long pause. There was a Ukrainian girl that I hooked up with a little bit, and she kept calling me Sukajou while we would hook up. What? Sukajou means like dirty. She's like, you are Sukajou. Holy shit. I know, I agree. But she was so hot. She was like egregiously hot. Oh my God.

I'm willing to put up a little bit of anti-Semitism. I swear to you, if I showed you a picture, you would understand. I'd be like, yeah, I'll be your Sukha Jew. Oh my God. You know what? I think had my boyfriend asked me to, which he didn't because he's not an evil, terrible person, but I think I would put on a little voice if you wanted that. I think I'd do it. I think when someone's hot enough, you go to the dark part of their

brain yeah yeah that's healthy i'll get a little rice patty yeah whoa i just got a little hard isn't this we'll be back after the break they say if you want to go fast go alone but if you want to go far go together at amica insurance we know what matters most to you and we work even harder to protect it together

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Eight months ago, I would say. I was asked to do a stand-up show for a camp. There's a camp called Experience Camps. Okay? And it's a wonderful charity. They raise money for kids who have lost a parent or a sibling. I thought it was going to be kids who were chloroformed by a... Yeah. Please support the camp. It's part of my community service.

It's a wonderful camp and I was asked to do it and I was like, oh my God, I would love to do it because my older brother died. I know. Comedy podcast. It's okay. We got this. My older brother died and I was like, this means a lot to me because I could have gone, I would have loved to have gone to something like this. So I'm like, I would love to do this. Let's do it. And I get there and it's like, there's all these great comedians backstage. And do you feel like, I've made it. I fucking made it. Yeah.

I was like, this is going to be. Doing charity with the best. I was like, this is like, these are my people. This is my type of charity. It's going to be a great show. It's going to be awesome. And the comics were great. And the place was sold out. And it was electric in there. Now, there's something else you have to know.

I have a rule where I won't invite someone that I'm dating to a comedy show. Why? Unless it's like, excuse me, can I finish? No. Can I finish? No. Is this your podcast? Sorry, go on. I'll tell you why. Because I feel like this is going to sound very pompous, okay?

I can't wait. Unlike anything else you've said today. It's about to get a little pompous. For the first time. No, I feel like if someone sees you on stage killing, it's a little bit of like, that's not you getting to know me. It's not me getting to know you. You're seeing my superpower. It's an unfair advantage thing. I'm so obsessed with you that the fear isn't that they might see you bomb me. The fear is you're just going to fall in love with me. I don't know.

Love you so much. Oh my God, you can't come see me because you're just gonna, you won't be, you're gonna be moisturized. You're gonna come in public and it's gonna be weird. It's gonna be so weird. I'm glad you get it. I'm glad you get it. You're like, I don't like to start at worship. But there was a girl that I was on a few dates with and I liked her. So I was like, you know what?

You're getting the comedy show. Okay, and can I ask just quickly? Sorry, I swear I will not interrupt you for another 10 more seconds. Yeah, no, no, no. This is your show. Okay, so was part of the thinking, oh, it's like kids who've experienced, you know, tragedy, so she's going to eat this up.

Because, I mean, that's a home run of a... Oh, yeah. Yeah, a little tender boy magic. I was like, this is going to be a home run of a show because it's... By the way, to clarify, this is... The show is not for the kids. No. Oh. The show is... It's like a charity show raising money for the kids. Oh, okay. It's not, like, full of grieving kids in the audience. No, no, no. Okay? That's not fun. It's a tough crowd. That was a tough crowd. That is a really tough crowd. Yeah, you don't want to do that.

But yes, part of that was like, yeah, it's like you want to invite them to a show that you know is going to be a home run. Saturday Night at the Laugh Factory. A sold out charity show. Killer. Yeah. For sad kids. Amazing. Sad kids. Yeah. So I invite her to the show and I'm backstage and every comic is basically doing a 10 minute set and they're destroying, like destroying. Okay. And I'm like, this is great.

So I'm in the rafters and I'm about to go up and the person running the show says, Dan, do us a favor. We're going to play a little video now and then you go on. You're going to go on after the video. I was like, yeah, it's fine. They play this fucking video and it's like this seven year old girl is sitting on a park bench and she's like shaking. OK, oh, she's like shaking and she's like, oh, my parents died.

The fucking crowd is crying like you've never, like sobbing. And this girl goes on for like fucking seven minutes about her grief. Okay.

Non-stop. Shaking. Just like lisping. And I'm like, oh my God. And then like they just like turn the lights on and they're like, go out. Go out. Oh no. Just cold. No music. Nothing. No nothing. So I just go out and I take the mic and I'm like, I have to say something, right? So I'm like, how am I supposed to follow that video? And I get a little laugh and it's like, da da da. And I diffuse. And then I make the mistake of doing an impression of the little girl.

No. No. Why? Oh, my God. And I'm like, oh, my Gweef. What am I going to do about my Gweef? No. My Gweef. And the crowd goes, oh. And I go, oh, no. Guys, I panic. And I'm like, guys, it's cool. I have a dead brother. No. And they're like, what? And I'm like, my brother died. It's OK. And someone's like, are you making this? Oh, I swear I have a dead brother.

And then I'm like, oh, my God. And people are like, it's the worst. And I have like eight minutes left. Like it just started. So then I start doing my material and they do not want to laugh at any. No, no. Oh, this is from hell. And I get off stage. Yeah. And I'm like, and I text the girl who I'm on a date with. And I'm like, I'm not I'm I'm just going to leave through the back. I'm not.

Yeah. And I was like, just meet me there. And she's like, okay. So I go out and it was raining. And now I'm in this back alley in like shitty LA in the rain. And she comes out and she's like, wow. Wow. That was, wow. I was like, it doesn't usually go like that. Like, I'm really funny. I'm really funny. It's not. Insane.

- Oh, anyway, we didn't go on another date. That was it. That was the end. - I feel as though that level of disaster would make me wanna date you more. - I know. - Now I'm the one with the gweef. - Yeah. - Shit!

It is I with the Gwee. Oh my God. She was so angry. She's like, I have to self-regulate. What you did to that little girl. Anyway, please give money to Experience Camp. Yeah. All right. Oh my God. I want to go full circle after that night. Has anyone, have any of the comics

that were there. Did they ever like, have you ever seen them out and was like, dude, remember, remember Gweefgate? No, I don't. They were all backstage. I don't think they saw what was going on. I hope not. I was going to say that. Did you ever like fear the next time you got on stage or something like that would happen again? Like, have you, did you carry any like residual bodily trauma? No, you don't have to follow a bereaved child. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think so. And if I do, now I know what to do. It's actually how he opens his shows now. Every single one. Guys, you know, it's all your learning lessons. And I learned don't make fun of the kid who lost her parents and is eight.

and is shaking on a bench crying. With a lisp. With a lisp. Sometimes this is just life experience. Because who would have known that going into that, that you shouldn't make fun of that kid? Not me. Not me. Not a single person. No. We are all 100% with you. Thank you. Thank you. Fuck that kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to go to a quick break.

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Wait, did I say job title yet? Get started today and see how you can avoid the void and reach the right buyers with LinkedIn ads. We'll even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign. Get started at linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. And we're back. Oh, man. Wow. I don't think I'm ever going to fully recover from how painful that was. Tian, will you tell me your wrong turn? Okay. It's not going to be like that. Okay.

But it is about a death. Awesome. Yes. Pretty good. Okay. Starting out great. So when my grandfather passed away, he was 100 years old. Wow. And he was like the patriarch of our family. And so it was like a big deal. Everyone had to come back. And when I found out, my dad called me and was like,

T&E, that's what he calls me. He's like, T&E, I really want you to play violin for the service. Cool. No. No? Because I hadn't played violin in like 10 years.

And violin is not the type of instrument that you can kind of just like pick up and play. Like it is not something that you can just like sit down and do and sound amazing. And 10 years ago, were you great at the violin? I was fine. Okay. Great question. I was fine. I was like, I went, I was like a high school, like I was part of high school orchestra. Okay. I got to go to Disney for

You know, I have a Letterman jacket that says TN First Violin Orchestra. Okay, all right. First violin. Cool. First violin. But at the time I was like, so my dad's asked me, I'm like 25 years old at this time. And so I am such a people pleaser with my family. I was like, fine. I just, just, it'll be short. Like, can it just be like one song? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. One song. It's totally fine.

The night before I fly out, I party like there's not a funeral the next day. And I almost miss my flight. I get to the airport and I'm doing that thing with my violin where I'm like,

trying to get through security, I was that annoying person that was like, can I please, my grandfather just passed away. Can I please cut you in line? My grandfather passed away. Can I just be like, over and, oh my God, over and over and over. You don't have to deal with that in your private jet. Shut up. Yeah. You have a rocket ship. Yeah, I do have my private rocket ship. Yeah. And I have TSA pre on my rocket ship. Yeah. This was before, I didn't even have TSA pre-check. So I'm just like, trying to. We knew that already, honey.

- Oh my God. - You were like, I didn't see a little green check by your name. - She called it a green check. Oh, it is a green check. - It's a little green check, right? - It's a green check, yeah. - Okay. - She's seen it in films. - Yeah, I've seen it in movies.

on now. Okay. I have TSA pre-check. What a thing to brag about. We need it. Okay, go on. So like that's also so embarrassing to have to be like that. I hate that. And people don't want to fucking help. They're just like, fine. I was getting to people that were like, all right, fine. Just like I have to get to my plane too. So I get to the gate. I missed the flight.

And I call my girlfriend absolutely crying. I feel like I kind of subconsciously almost tried to miss the flight as to not have to play at this funeral. So I call my girlfriend thinking she's going to be like, oh, it's fine. Just come back home. I'm sure your parents will understand.

She was like, no, get another fucking flight right away. So I like go to the gate agent. I'm bawling. And I'm hoping that this woman won't be able to help me and start crying harder when she's like, I got you a flight. I'm like, okay. Oh my God. Thank you. I'm just absolutely in tears. Just like, okay, thank you so much. You really helped me out. You're so good. Thank you. So...

I get on a slide. I make it. I get to the funeral. And so at this funeral, it's at the church that like sponsored my family over like post-Vietnam War. Yeah. It is like a very important church in our family. Yeah. I've read The Sympathizer. I know. You know, right? Right. Okay. You've read The Sympathizer. It's a lot like that. That's the Vietnamese equivalent of I have a black friend. Yeah. 100%. It is. 100%. I've read The Sympathizer and I've had pho. Can I pronounce it?

- I'm gonna announce it, fuck, even though it's not.

I get to the church and like he is the truly the patriarch of the family and his brothers and sisters came and my grandfather, my dad is one of seven. So like the family is huge. Yeah. And he was also like a very big figure at this Catholic church. So we're talking like it's all eyes on you. It's like 200 people have come to this service. Wow. And I get there and I have my violin. I'm ready to play one song. What's the song? Amazing Grace. Lovely. My aunt comes to me.

And is like,

can you actually play for 45 minutes as everybody's coming into the church? Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. And I was like, I only have one song and it's like one page long. And she's like, just keep playing it over and over. And you can split time with your cousin. Now my cousin is a 14 year old piano virtuoso, like a fucking piano genius. A prodigy. An absolute prodigy. So like we get up,

He plays a beautiful, like, full Ave Maria. And then I get up and I play the absolute worst sounding, like, cat claws on a chalkboard, Amazing Grace. It's like... Wait, hang on a second. I think you can do better than that. That's a violin over there. Okay. Oh, my God, there's a violin here. That's a violin over there.

She brought a violin! Oh my god. Holy cow. I did not see you brought the violin. This is very exciting. You just changed color. Can I have your voice?

Also, you have sheet music. Did you use sheet music for Amazing Grace on the day? Yes. And was your cousin using sheet music? No, he wasn't. This is literally what I printed out. This four line sheet of Amazing Grace that I played over and over for 20 minutes. Oh, my God. As people are coming in and they're crying. They're like so upset. My sisters keep looking at me and are like,

You suck. Absolutely terrible. Okay, can you...

I love it. It has three notes. You must hold it up for me. I don't even remember it. Okay. So you have to imagine. Yeah. 200 people. 200 people. Very important people in the community. Your grandfather is a pillar of this very community. There's a lot of expectation on you and you've just played after fucking Mozart. Yes. Okay. And like his big picture is sitting. They did Open Casket. Like it's all there. Wow.

Wow. So even he's listening to this. So he's listening to this. Yeah. Are you trying to be bad right now? Oh, oh my God. Oh, it hurts my teeth. Yeah. I like it.

- Wow. - Wow. - Bravo. - One minute. - Bravo. I'm picturing your grandfather. - How did you not even clap one clap? - No, no. - You bastard. - I don't know, no. The guy was a pillar of the community. He deserved better. - I'm just imagining him in the open closet going, "Ugh." - He's like, "Close it." - Yeah, please, guys. - He's like, "Fuckin' close the casket." - It was absolutely brutal. - Yeah.

Thank you for doing that. You're amazing. Thank you. Dan's a bastard. I feel like the last time I played the violin was when I was five, probably. I took maybe a couple lessons and I think I could play it better than you did. Oh, no. I play the piano. I'm a piano. I'm not going to say I'm not a musician. Go get it, Dan. I feel like I could do better. Go on. No, you're moving towards it. Holy shit. I don't need the notes. What's happening? Are you fucking serious? I'm going to get this out of your way.

I'm just Do you need the sheet music? Oh okay Oh my god Oh my god He's actually better than He's doing it from memory Vibrato you Harmony Harmony

- Okay. - You know what I will say? You know, it was a Tom York version. What I will say is that he was not as bad as he should have been compared to you. It was worse, but like not that much worse. - Okay, thank you. - Tune in to my next comedy special. Not as bad as it should have been. - Wait, when's the last time you played? - I play the piano. I'm good at instruments, but I haven't played the violin probably since I was six.

That was a really long time ago. Just to add a little more shame to your story. No, that's okay. That's okay. It felt very wartime. I mean, when I...

It's really funny you say that. You know what I mean? It just felt like... Like someone in a World War I trench. Yeah, yeah, exactly. At the very end, it's the last soldier who happens to have a violin and plays it amongst all the dead bloody bodies. It's funny that you say that because when I practiced once, I didn't practice that much for my wife. She was like, you sound like a Civil War, like a dead soldier. Like a ghost, just like... Like a ghost? Yeah.

- Oh man. - You glossed over something in your story though that I thought was kind of interesting. - Oh, go on. - The night before your grandfather's funeral, this pillar of society, the patriarch of the family, you went out and got blackout drunk hammered instead of like practicing your violin. - Hey man, that's how she practices her gweef. - That's how those gweefs do it.

Yeah, don't tell me how to gweave, okay? Yeah. You're gweave. Okay, you're right. You're right. You two have been absolutely phenomenal. I've had so, so much fun. Such unexpected and strange stories. Before you go, I want to share another Wrong Turn story. I enjoy these stories from our listeners. They make us feel less alone because misery loves company. This one's from a listener. Now, this is from a listener.

They say, while at work, I was chatting with some co-workers about music when the band The Monkees came up. Do you know who that is? The Monkees? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have the rights to that song. I don't know if I'm allowed to sing it. Yeah, but we get it. We get it. So one woman said she used to have a crush on Davy Jones, a member of the band. And the discussion quickly turned into a playful debate.

about which monkey we would each want to hook up with. Another colleague walked in curious about our laughter and we asked her which monkey she would sleep with. And without missing a beat, she answered a silverback gorilla. Oh my God.

Holy cow. The poor woman never lived it down. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's amazing. It is amazing. But also the right answer. Because if it's like a bonobo or chimps are like wiry and weird. No, you want a big silver back. Yeah, you want to get topped by a silver back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Break your back, as they say. 100%. Literally. Very literally. And your insides. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Probably for sure. Yes. What monkey would you want to sleep with? I just told you a silverback. I did not have to think about it. Well, I feel like that's the end of the episode. Yeah. Right there. I don't know. Before everyone goes, tell me where people can find you and what they should watch and listen to.

You can find me at the zoo. Oh, you can find me on Instagram at Hank Tina. Why Hank Tina? Hank Tina because my real name is actually Han Tien. And I once had a teacher, a white teacher, literally say, see those letters, H-A-N-H-T-I-E-N and say, is there a Hank Tina in the room? Oh, that's great. A Hank Tina.

Amazing. So that's why I've reclaimed the racism, I guess. Right, right, right. And now I've used it as my Instagram handle. Fantastic. Yeah. So Hank Tina. And you can listen to my podcast with my friends called Jocular. Amazing. Yeah. Thank you, Dan. Dirty Dan. I'm at StandUpDan everywhere. Because people are also too racist to be able to pronounce your surname. No one can spell a dude. No one can spell a dude. I understand. I'm okay.

white teachers if you're listening I forgive you yeah I don't at standupdanoneverything my podcast is green eggs and dan it's a comedic food podcast and my book is undercooked which is comedic food essays I like to eat yeah you do well he can afford to eat the best as a rich person you've been absolutely ideal I love you both thank you coming on wrong turn thank you

Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey. Thank you to our launch producer, Eve Bishop, our editor, Shannon Joy Rogers and consulting producer, Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong Turns. All you have to do is email personaldisasterstories at gmail.com. Oh, and if you enjoy me, I have a sub stack that I write several times a month and

with some of my other embarrassing stories and also other thoughts and opinions. And so you can find me there if you want to. And don't forget to listen to next week when I'll be joined by Adam Pally and Malik Elisal. The big sound of the JBL Flip 7 is now bigger. We turn things up with our exclusive AI sound boost technology, plus our AuraCast feature, which lets you instantly link up multiple speakers to amplify your life, beat by beat. Get yours.

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