Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds and Eric Edelstein
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Well, hello everyone and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is a podcast where misery loves company. We are sick of the internet forcing inspirational stories upon us and trying to turn all of our micro and macro humiliations into some sort of silver fucking lining. All right, we're tired of it. This

This is where we come not for inspiration, but for commiseration. And so I invite my funny friends on to tell me their saddest or most humiliating stories. And with me today, I have writer, producer, director, comedian, and actor who's appeared in the Spider-Verse trilogy, Minx, and New Girl. It's the iconic Jake Johnson. Hello. And the co-host of We're Here to Help the Podcast. David.

that at the end. You gotta lead out with it. I was gonna say it at the end. Some good sales, goddammit. We're here to help. Available wherever you get podcasts. Not true. Only on like Spotify now. Whatever. That's a worse slogan. We also have an actor, writer, and comedian who's worked on Arrested Development, New Girl, and You're the Worst. It's Gareth Redd

Hey, again. Also on the podcast, we're here to help. Available wherever you get your Spotify. And we have a man who is significantly taller than my other guests, and I don't know why my producer wanted me to point that out. Thank you. Well done, I guess. How tall are you? 6'4". Ah.

Yeah, in bare feet. Yeah, but not legally disabled. My boyfriend is six foot eight and he can get a blue badge parking pass if he wants one. Why? Because he's legally a giant. He is legally a giant. Oh, is this true? Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the cutoff? We don't take the pass because obviously we would be fucking assholes. Assholes. Concert parking can be a challenge. Our third

guest who you're hearing our very tall guest is comedian writer and actor from we bear bears twin peaks and the upcoming netflix show the boroughs eric edelstein yeah you heard twin peaks let's hear a little david lynch to start well i'm happy to do that all day but i'm glad you guys are sharing stories of trauma friend because that trauma can be mined for gold

And if you are falling in love with these men already, remember, as they have all mentioned shamelessly, they make the incredibly popular and funny comedy advice podcast. We're here to help. I've been a guest on it. It was one of my favorite times on a podcast. You are the best. Welcome. How are you? Good. Good. Good. Good. Fired up to be here.

Oh, I'm thrilled. So given that this is a disaster podcast and it's also about bad decisions, I'm someone who makes an extraordinary amount of bad decisions in my life. Where do you guys stand on this? Look at us. Do you attract disaster? Jake makes horrible decisions all the time. That's why we're here. Do you have to ask? Yeah. Gareth, you want to show your tats? Yeah.

That's offensive. First of all, I guess it says a lot about me that I don't think those are bad decisions still. I don't regret that. Question about bad decision. What's the most recent tattoo you got? I don't. This is not a tat podcast. Just ask it a question. It is now. We're here to help. Wherever you can get just. So what's the newest one you got? Oh, it's a dog that passed away. Oh. Oh. Insensitive. Wrong. Wrong. Ah.

Shame! Oh, wow. That really did lower the tone. Yeah, that darn clod. By the way, the dog's alive. No, no, the dog did pass away. You know that Sal Vulcano once lost a bet to have a tattoo of anyone else's choice put on his thigh, and he now has a giant tattoo of James.

Jaden Smith. Is that true? Yeah. And then he ran into Jaden Smith and he showed it to him. Yeah. Jaden Smith, I think, was like, wait, what's going on? Yeah. By the way, Jaden Smith was 14 at the time. So weird. By the way. A tattoo of a 14 year old so close to his penis. Too soon. Too soon.

That one didn't age well. No, you do. He's 18 now. He's 18 now. 14 in the tat. You're problematic, dude. But he's over 18 now. You go to the local news and you have them do that thing where they age him up. Like, what does he look like at 30? I can't imagine.

what his wife has to endure every time she's down there. You go to the tattoo shop and you go, can you put a mustache on this little boy's face? You put a couple of crow's feet on this little lad. Turn the karate kid into a karate man, huh? Do me a favor. Grown up that lad on my thigh. And so generally disaster prone, not disaster prone. You talk about do we make bad decisions? Yeah, do you make bad decisions and

and does this also seek you out? I'll tell you, this group has all, I'll be honest now, we've all gotten a lot older. This is a group of three men in their 40s. These guys have been some of my closest friends for over 20 years. Amazing. Very bad decisions in our 20s. Getting better though. So significantly better. Yeah. But,

When I met this guy in a building in Hollywood, we lived together. He believed he could channel Elvis Presley. Not as a joke. We'll go to 7-Eleven and do demonstrations. What does that mean exactly? Eric, what does that mean exactly?

You know, I'd found legal weed, basically. And I was big into Elvis, and I kind of thought I could heal people, and it was my duty to minister to them. I laid hands on a guy. I'd like to think we helped him. And if Gareth was the guy, what'd you do? I was like, hey, man, there's so much more for you in this life. Come on, man. Come on, man. It's not a joke. He really did this. He would go like, hey, man, cool it.

Cool it. And people would listen. In a 7-Eleven. It's not a rapid care. You got to think about your life here, Jack. And you'd be like, Eric, this is a crazy guy I trust. That's right, baby. That's right. Well, it's amazing what you can get away with if you're a giant. Yeah. Like you can go up to someone who's scared and be like, that dog's name is Peter. And they're like, that's right. Come on, Peter. And they'll just walk away because they're like, we don't want to upset the giant. That dog was not named Peter, by the way. But the big galoo said it. Don't piss off Lenny. Yeah, the character was called Lenny. Yeah.

That example is maddening. I like soft things. Hey, George. Oh, I've resigned myself. I'll be playing Mice and Men when I'm in my 60s. Just every night waiting for that sweet gunshot so I can go to some bar and drink alone. I'm fine with it. I'm great with it all. Covered in bunny guts. Oh, yeah.

All right, well then this feels like a good time to enter into Jake's story. I went through puberty really late in the game. Okay, play. It's a great start. Terrible. Rare, honest to God. How late? 16, 15 and a half. Any day now. Don't have me take my pants off. Okay, 16 and a half-ish is actually quite late.

Until he met Eric. Eric healed him. Eric put him through adolescence. I was outside of 7-Eleven. Brother, you need pubes. If you're looking for pubes, you can't ride like that. Oh, Lordy, I need pubes. So no chest hair, no pubes, no armpit hair, nothing. Yeah.

Okay. Pubes cover a lot of that. I could have just said pubes. I didn't have L.P. Scheidt hair. You're just powder. By the way, did hair on your eyebrows and hair start when you went through puberty? That'd be great. Were you completely bald at 10? Loads of pubes. Nothing up top. Hell. Crazy. Hell. Ew.

- Help. - I didn't have any hair on my body and we were at the era where guys and girls were starting to do the dance and I was getting some ladies. Well, we wasn't doing a lot with the ladies. We were keeping it slow, but it was starting to move. And at my school, we had a pool

And there was you were the fastest swimmer. Just the dolphin. Yeah, just. And we were all sitting there and we're all, you know, looking at the cute girls. All the guys were talking. And then this kid, Matt Walker, who had a full beard, full chest hair, everything. Pakistani? No, no.

And if he was, as a white guy, can't say it. Yeah, I don't think, we don't find that funny, Jameela. I don't see the joke of that. Yeah. Nothing funny about that to me. We, but we all come out the womb. Like, I had full back hair, like, that fell off when I was like two, but we come out. Did it fall off at two? Yeah. Or does that just work for this story? Franz planted it to make my back. Thank you. It's currently on your eyebrows. Oh.

It just went from my pubes all the way up to the back of my neck. Finally. And so I'm sitting there and this kid, Matt Walker, goes...

oh my god, dude, you don't have any hair on your body. And it was not something that people were teasing each other about up until that moment. Do 16-year-olds have lots of hair on their body? Some do. Some are bad. He sounds like he has a thyroid problem or something. No, he looked like a real man. Okay. Handsome, chest hair, armpit, like...

- The way men look. - But that's fucking weird for 16. - It wasn't for the girls. - You were also quite small at the time. - Probably 80 pounds. Probably 4'11", 5 feet. - Jake's also dyslexic. - Why did you say that? - Just letting you know. - Why you put all my digits on the streets?

had to be said so I'm sitting there Matt calls me out I look around there's a bunch of guys near me and they've all gone through puberty right the conversation starts getting heated up about my lack of hair on my

And it goes from the way it does with guys from a zero to a hundred where everybody is now talking about this hair issue that was not one a second ago. And I've known it was the case. And all of a sudden, Walker, who's not being a bully, is more he doesn't understand what's happening.

And he goes, not on your chest. And I was like, yeah. And then he lifts up my arm and underneath realize there's no armpit hair. There's a moment where everybody, all the guys are lifting up their armpit hairs. Everybody's got something. And so in that moment, I go rather than just say, fellas, I haven't gone through puberty. I say,

No men in my family have any hair on their bodies. It's a genetic condition. You said it was a disease? And they go, and I go, yeah, my brother, my dad, no one's got any hair on their body at all. And so the vibe changes rather than I do.

confusion sadness where they go what and i go and at that moment i should have said not accurate okay like any lie i go because i didn't like the reaction i got i thought the reaction was going to be like oh weird anyway back to it but it was like your dad doesn't have any hair it was essentially like oh my god you're dying yes yeah but it was more like

Ew worse. Because now they're thinking about your father. And now they're thinking about me as a man. Yeah. And the vibe was like not going through puberty at your age is normal. Never having hair on your body is disgusting. Isn't it ironic that the reverse is true for a girl? Like if her arms were held up at school and she had one singular hair under her armpit, everyone would be like,

Yeah. Yeah. All right, we got to get political now. No, Jake, I think it actually does. I thought this was wrong terms. I thought you guys said you were the shit podcast. I'm just saying if you'd been around a bunch of girls, we would have been far more understanding. Jake, it raises an interesting question about gender status. Yeah. Go on. That's the end of my. No, go on. Well, I just think the double. Can I? Is there a mic I can hold? Yeah.

Wait, when did your fur come through or has it not yet? Yeah, fur. My fur came through, baby. I don't do puberty until I'm about 24. I'm still going through it a bunch. Not around 16, 17, the hair started coming. Nice, nice, nice. He was the other guy in a tampon commercial. The guy you don't want to end up with. The bad tamp, the manifestation. That's why people, rugged sex symbol Jake Johnson was the other guy in a tampon commercial. The date you don't want. Bru.

upgrade your life. I was before. Yeah, for like Tampax. And it was like the Tampax guy was like the guy Jake talked about at the pool, the hot guy. Yes. And then Jake was the guy who shows up with chicken. He's like, hey, it's time an hour late. I just literally my whole line was chicken. And then he goes, upgrade your life because the whole idea is not your wrong turn.

I was going to say, for his wrong turns, he's made wronger turns in this calendar year. $40,000? A wrong turn? No, no. Chicken? Chicken? Chicken? Rocket money! Rocket money! Rocket money! What's another one? What's another one? Oh my God, this is so stupid. We'll be right back after the break.

Dr. Dolittle. Ha ha ha ha!

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And we are back, this time with Gareth Reynolds. What was your wrong turn? Okay, so this is probably right when I started traveling for shows a lot. And so I was flying a good amount. I was flying to Canada.

And I brought the hammer down the night before on white wine with my friend. So I was very hungover for the flight. What age? This is not that long. This is sadly like 36. Wednesday. Yeah, this is about six weeks ago. 36. Ten years ago. A couple years ago. Please, you had your time. I think it's my time now. Thank you. Hi, Jamila. So...

So I'm flying and then so I'm nicely hungover. So I'm like, all right, you know what? I'm actually going to like drink a little hair of the dog. It's I'm drinking white wine on the plane. I feel OK, but I go to the bathroom just to piss. And as I'm in there, piss at my stomach does not feel good. But I but I'm like, whatever. I'm like not concerned about anything. So I'm in there. I pee. I leave. And as I'm walking to my seat.

I start going like, what's going on? Like there's liquid in my trousers. It's part two. And I don't understand what has happened. You think you've had a little pee that was left over that's made its way out? Or is it clear that it's come from the back door? I really refuse to believe that I have shit my pants. Are you sober?

No, no, I'm not. But I'm not drunk. I'm just like shocked at this point. Like I'm like halfway back to my seat and I'm like, did I shit my pants? How did I shit my pants? I don't remember shitting my pants. I don't know when I shit my pants. But also to have not had the sensation of doing so. Exactly. What we're talking about here, ladies, is anal leakage.

For anyone listening. And again, men can have it too, gender status wise. So I walk back to my seat because I'm like, I'm not thinking properly. And I'm like, I'm going to walk back to my seat. And I'll sort of thought I'd kind of just like hover. Yeah, it's not a great idea. Wait, and how long is left of your flight? Probably a couple hours. Yeah. So I like get close to the seat. The guy stands up like he's letting me in. And that's when I'm like, no.

And I was like, no, you're good. And he was like, what? And I was like, no. And then I start walking back to the one bathroom on the plane. And now there's probably like five people in line. And so I'm sort of standing at the back of the line. And I I'm kind of like I'm like sitting. But I know I'm like, this is getting worse. I think these are pants. No, probably a khaki. Probably a khaki. I looked great. So just know that. And yeah.

And I'm like, this can't happen. So sorry. Lastly, are you wearing tight briefs or boxers? Boxers. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. OK. So it's bad. Yeah. So so I I'm like waiting in the back of the line. I'm like, this can't go on. And so I go to the front of the line and the person there reacts how they would. And I'm like, can I get in there again? No. And and and the guy's like, no. What is a line? Yeah. There's a line. And I go, I just left my phone in there. Smart.

And and he's like, OK. And so then I'm waiting. And then the door opens and I quickly dip in. And then I see his face as I shut the door. Like he's like, whoa, like liar. And I lock it. And I'm not here to make friends in any capacity. And so I immediately just start, you know, doing the self diaper. I just take the I take I'm banging around there like Tommy boy. I take off my shoes, my socks, my pants.

The boxers are obviously toast. We were right. There has been an accident in the back. And so I take the boxers off. I jam the boxers down the trash. Trash or toilet? Trash, not toilet. There's all those signs saying we'll get grounded. But the smells. It's not great. There's no winning formula here. The least of his problems

problems. Leave this man alone. I'm just hearing the story. I'm like, I would have gone probably toilet. Okay, but keep going. I would have broken the singular toilet on the entire plane. The idea of coming out there. Doesn't it shoot out the plane?

into the air. I think it goes. Hold on. Hold on. I've always believed this. You think planes are just having shit fly out of them? 100%. And that's why if something hits my head, I'm always like, oh my God, was it shit from a bird? Or was it shit from a plane? Or was it shit from Superman? I don't know. I think you're both right. No, I do think it goes to a storage zone and then they empty it. Take away the words, I think you idiots. It,

It doesn't come flying out of me. You don't know that. I do know that. How do you know that? Because I'm not a maniac. Oh, here we go. Another man. Sorry. There was a... No. Hang on a second. All right. Fuck you, Jake. Okay, so in my defense, there was a story of a... And I will come back to your story briefly, but this is in defense of...

Myself, actually. But there was a wedding happening and they were on a big barge in New York, I think it was, and they were going under a bridge and on this bridge was crossing a coach and the coach had registered they'd had a problem with their toilet. So they decided to empty their toilet into the water off the bridge, not knowing that there was a wedding party. Do you know whose bus that was? No.

- Was it Dave Matthews? - It was Dave Matthews' tour bus in Chicago. - No way. - This happened, yes. - I was in Chicago. - Yes, this is a real story. - Fuck, yes, no, I know. - But here's the difference. The bus isn't just-- - But if the shit went all over the-- - But the bus isn't just open. You don't take a shit on tour bus and as you're going, it just flies out of the car.

goes to the little area. I disagree. I choose to believe that it just goes right out. Why do they tell you to close it when you flush? I've always thought it's because they're worried you're going to go like... Has

Has anyone seen Dave Matthews? Has anyone seen David Matthews? You just come flying out of a plane with your pants down. Yeah, I thought that's what's going to happen. So I religiously close it before I flash because I'm so scared of that. No, you're supposed to. Well, it is a powerful. I don't know if I'm going to fly out of there. It is a powerful one, but I think it's for the disgusting matter going everywhere. Fine, fine, fine. Sorry, I digress.

So I did not put my boxers in the toilet and and cause a delay. I jammed it on the face of the trash. I at this point realize how I mean, you've got to think like I'm de-robing, taking everything. It's fine.

15-20 minutes. I'm cleaning myself. There's now knocks on the door. Like there's just that I know what's happening. There's an energy. I put my pants on. I wash my arms like I'm going into surgery and I open the door and it feels it's like mutiny. It is like a large crowd. It's probably about 12 people and everyone. I mean, I've been in there 20 minutes and I told everyone who heard me was like, I'm getting my phone.

And so they all like are looking at me and I just take my phone out of my pocket and I just go, I found it.

And everyone was just like, buddy, get the fuck out of here. I really admire the quick thinking that happened there in a desperate situation. It's nice for that crystal clarity in a sort of pure death situation happens. It was selfish acting. It was definitely primitive. You fixed the problem. I did. Yeah. Do you find yourselves to be quite selfish in disaster situations or do you think you are heroic? I'm a real fucking piece of shit. I've learned.

You are? Yeah. Why? Give an example. Okay. There are several. One of them is that I was running away from a lot of bees. I was going on a jog on La Cienega. A huge theme of my life is that I keep getting chased by bees and people don't believe me and they think I'm making it up. But I'm telling you, it is my final destination story. It's how I will end.

And anyway, I'm going for a jog on La Cienega and there's a tree on that like island in La Cienega in Los Angeles. And on that tree happened to be a beehive that I wasn't aware of. I disturbed the beehive because I'm tall and I

hit the branch, one of the high up branches. Yeah. And I am standing there. I've got my music playing. I'm listening to Beyonce. So, you know, I can't hear anything. Ironic to be listening to Beyonce and then a beehive gets disturbed. Beyonce. Yeah, exactly. And so then suddenly this kind of cloud of black descends upon me.

And I can't really make out what it is because my music's so loud and I can't hear them. And then I pull out my headphone and it's like the loudest buzz you've ever heard. So I start screaming. I run into oncoming traffic. There are three lanes on either side of La Cienega and there is no green light for me to go. So I'm running into oncoming traffic with what looks like truly just like an afro of bees now surrounding me.

I'm thankfully dressed like a ninja with my, like truly just like the amount of my face showing through my hood that looks like a, like

Like a cunt, really, is the only way to describe it. That's the medical term. I don't know. Do you know what she's talking about? I do. It's medical. Yeah. Because I didn't want to get recognized while I was out running, so I'm covered completely. So they're trying to sting me. They're not being successful. I fall over in the middle of La Cienega. A car slows down, doesn't manage to fully knock me over. I go down. The bees come down with me. They stay with me. I get up. I run. I run from...

what feels like, I think, Wiltshire all the way to Third Street, which is quite a long way. And then I'm running down Third Street. They're still with me. They're still so pissed that I've just touched a leaf on their tree. And I see a group of people outside like Toca Madera, which is a kind of club slash taco bar. And they're all smoking. And I think to myself in a split second.

No. Smoke. No, I didn't think that. The smart thing would be like, oh, smoke deters wasps. I thought to myself, they don't care about their lives because they're smokers. Wow. So why should I die? You're right. I don't drink. Now I get what you're saying. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I'm going to take these bees to these heathens. And so I ran.

I run with this huge swarm of wasps or bees and I descend upon this crowd and then I get on the floor and I army crawl all the way down the street to Creation, the juice bar, also very far away, where I then watch from the window as people are being like, handbags, drinks, cigarettes, everything's flying. People are getting stung. Oh, so the plan is sort of working. Yeah, I haven't been stung and I...

I think I was responsible for a lot of really bad things that day. I'm a terrible fucking person. So you learn in your fight or flight whether you are- - Please somebody animate that whole story. - Yes. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I handled my shitting my pants on the plane better than you would the biggest step. - Yeah. - High five, five friend. - Hey. - High five. And no lessons learned really. - No. - No, no wisdom gained. That's my favorite kind of stuff. We'll be back after the break.

Dr. Dolittle. Ha ha ha!

Staying Alive with John Gaberson and Adam Pally is out right now. Get them a week early and ad-free with SiriusXM Podcast Plus on Apple Podcasts.

Planning a trip this year? Travel smarter and connect deeper by learning the local language with Rosetta Stone. With over 30 years of experience, Rosetta Stone's immersive intuitive method helps you live the language, not just memorize it. Choose from over 25 languages including Spanish, French, Japanese, and more. Their True Accent speech recognition technology gives real-time feedback to help perfect your pronunciation.

No translations, just natural learning that builds from words to phrases to full conversations. Whether you have five minutes or an hour, you can learn anytime on desktop or mobile. Get a lifetime membership and unlock all 25 languages. Learn as much as you want, whenever you want. Rosetta Stone. Learn confidently. Connect authentically.

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And now we are back. Eric. Yes. Yes. Will you please tell me what was your wrong turn? So basically I quit drinking 2016 and we go on double dates, my wife and I. I think it was the medical community. I did that drunk history show and it's a little dangerous to be recognized in any bar. Right. Pounding beers. So I'm actually shocked how much I like it. Okay. But we go on these nice double dates and they're drinking, my wife, and we double date with this couple.

And I'm like, I've got the perfect solution here. So we go to this hip place in Hollywood that I hate. And I hate them now because how they treated me, the fascists. But basically- - Take it easy, King. - We go there, it's a bar hotel.

Fuck it. It's called Mother Courage. Take it easy, King. No, no, no, no. Because fuck them. Take it easy, King. It's probably what you did, though, yeah? It is what I did. Yeah, they just responded to you, yeah, King? Yeah, but they didn't respond in a kind way. Yeah, but you were probably- Fucking beloved character actor. You're probably getting scary, though, huh, King? I did get a little scary. Yeah, let's not shit on the business, you know what I mean? I use my size in a bad way, I admit it. But it's a gift of being tall. So my whole plan is-

That what I'm going to do is since everyone else is drinking, I don't want to get cheated. So we go to this nice meal. Because he quit drinking. Yeah, that's right. Cheating is the term. I'm not here to get fucked over. This business did it though, Jake. You're not listening. Yeah, this business. It's not easy being tall. There's a lot of short leading men that don't want a tall person next to them. Ooh, shouts fired. My therapist has heard all this.

So we are with my good friend Tegan and her wife. And Tegan is a rock star. She's from the band Tegan and Sarah, if you've heard of them. And she has this unflappable kind of rock star veneer. So I'm like, right after we order, while they're having a cocktail, I'm going to run in the bathroom and take a quick rip of my weed pen.

And then I'm going to come back for the entree. We're all going to be on the same level. I'll be slightly stoned. They're all drinking. It's going to be a joy. So I go in there, rip this pen and there's like no stalls in the toilet and then just kind of blow it out. And then this alarm goes off. And then three security guards rush in to the mother courage bathroom. And they're like, it's him. It's him. I immediately, once the alarm goes off, I ditched the pen in the trash can and

And then as they run in, I go, they're like, you're smoking weed. I'm like, I'm not smoking weed. I swear on a stack of Bibles. I'm not. I consent to a search. But isn't it? But he's also lying. Isn't the smell coming out of your mouth? Yes. It's vapor. Or are you so tall that it's just your high up so they can't smell it? And because I was tall, it was also way too close to the smoke line. So he said, I pray on a stack of Bibles. He's lying. I consent to a search. No, I did not smoke. I was.

I would swear on a stack of Bibles. I vaporize the weed, Jacobus. You're an idiot. So, Poe Nettlestein. Okay? So these three fascists come in screaming. And I'm a former bouncer, and I handle all my problems with love. Like, when I was a bouncer... It doesn't sound like you handled it with love. No, because I was on the other end of the fascist... The first wave of fascism is security guards. Go to any concert. If you're a tall person, they treat you like shit. It's coming. It's coming. It's...

The first wave of security, guys, I promise you this. I promise you this. So the guy goes to him, I'm like, I consent to a search. And I just started loudly saying that. It's the same as when we got pulled over the one time. I remember. That's another bad story. When he was shouting, I consent to a search. I immediately said to the police officer on the road to Vegas, I'm like, I'm thrilled to take a breathalyzer. And he couldn't figure out. And I'm like, I'm thrilled to take a breathalyzer. You're missing a huge part of that story. Yeah, well, that's for another day. That's for when we come back as the buzz on our first one.

So the three security guards are in there. The weed pen is in the trash can. I have my hands above my head and I'm loudly begging them to search me. And they're like, they're like, you were smoking. I'm like, I didn't smoke anything. We don't want to search you. You just don't like to smoke weed. Search me brother. That's the distraction. Once you're loudly asking for a search, then there's three in there. And then one came in and goes, he did it. We got him on film. At which point I turned to him with my legal mind. I

I could have gone to Gonzaga Law School, maybe. Wait, what? Maybe? Maybe. This life chose me. I'm a character actor. You would have been a great lawyer. They wouldn't even let me play lawyers, but we're going to get there. Who's they? And who's this leader?

this leading man. Fucking you. All right? You in Hollywood. All right? Everybody's keeping you out of jobs. Yeah, man. There's a lot of nuance here, okay? And all they see is this giant. So I play contractors and janitors even though my wife fixes everything around the house. All right. All right. Thank you. You're in a good spot. Thank you, Garrett. You're in a good zone right now. He does this to me. I know. I know. What do I do to you? That right there. I put you in everything.

Come on, Jay. Andy picked me up today and that's why we were late. I want you to know that. I'm a character actor. I'm not late. You can get away with murder because girls like you. There you go. Okay? There you go. So the one guy comes in and says, we got him on camera. God, Garrett, this is such a stressful dynamic. Don't worry. Don't worry. He's bringing it in. Don't worry. Don't worry about a thing. I love

this emotional support no i need it bless you we both uniquely know what jake yeah yeah it's okay you're not wrong either jake yeah thank you guys like we have it on camera i'm the fascist with him okay and the restaurant oh yeah lucky you can act otherwise you'd be a security guard at mother courage which is out of business now because of karma all right all right buddy so i said i'm like you have a camera in a restroom and then they pause because there was like

you could have seen people's junk or whatever. - His wrong turn is bragging. - So I just go, why was there a camera? How do you have me on camera? They said, well, no, I mean the, and I'm like, so I'm like, I'm gonna go back. I'm on a real nice double date with my wife. I'm gonna walk back there now. I didn't smoke any weed in here. I don't know what's going on. - And I'm not gonna tell anyone that you're a bunch of perverts who have cameras in the toilet. - Thank you, thank you. Yeah, but there's something going on. So I go back, I'm extremely nervous, but I'm a trend actor.

So I'm just like, I'm going to get through this. They'll never know. So I'm just kind of sitting there and I'm sweating and waiting for this entree. How bad are you sweating? Real bad. Real bad. And I'm quiet. And Tegan is just has another sense. So she's just kind of looking at me with a smile. Another sense. You said you're sweating really bad after coming back from the bathroom. You're real high. Yeah. And I'm high. And maybe she heard yelling. Well, but this is the thing. It doesn't take fucking Sherlock Holmes to figure this one out. Something happened.

There's been an alarm. There's been yell. Three security guys run to the bathroom. Someone comes out sweaty and high.

Something's going on. You are an empath. Yeah. You dear have special powers. Did you ever dress like Elvis at a 7-Eleven? Because you get it. All right, so you're a little sweaty. So I go back and I sit down and I'm like, I got through this. I talked my way out of it. We're good. At which point I see three fire trucks slowly pull up. Oh my God. And I look and I'm like, oh, God.

And then I'm like, oh, there's fire trucks. I just kind of blurted out. My friend Tegan's wife goes, oh, yeah, an alarm went off when you were in the bathroom. I was going to do the dad joke of like, did you cause it? And not realizing I thought the alarm only went off in the bathroom. It went off in the entire Mother Courage facility.

And there's now three fire trucks. So at which point I'm like realizing what's about to happen that our double date has gone awry. Yes. And I have to come clean immediately. So I just say like Tegan, Sophia, Jess,

Fire trucks are here because of me. I ripped a weed pen. I ripped a weed pen in the bathroom. I thought the alarm just went off in there. I'm probably about to get arrested or hauled out. So fire department comes. So the fire department shows up. I'm convinced I'm about to get arrested. I'd also just gotten the part of Daddy Shark

on Baby Shark's big show and I'm like, here's where it is, going from nobody cares about me to Daddy Shark arrested for weed. Recast. Yeah, recast. Recast. And they screwed you on that one then. Yeah. Hollywood. Hollywood. Them. You. Them. Mother courage. Mother courage. Jake Johnson, the fascist. Thank you. We didn't let him in because he got fired from Daddy Shark after fighting three security guards and trying to take down a lovely vegan restaurant. Trying to shove over a fire truck. Ha ha ha!

So what happens? So this is where my Tegan just laughs and goes, oh, this is about to be fun. And they're all just watching and kind of gleeful. And my wife's laughing. Bless her heart. She knows, you know, you break it, you bought it. She knows what she's got with me.

So then I just, the fire department's starting to walk around. Meanwhile, every employee is doing a horseshoe around our table to look at me. Of course. You made a huge scene, Eric. Then I just say. You just Mrs. Doubt fired. I know. I know. We're not even done with our food, but sweat is pouring off me. And Tegan just goes, do you want to go, Eric? I'm like,

Yeah. So we just walked out and escaped. No fire department, no arrest. Yeah, I paid and I paid to, you know, that part's such a lie. What is he saying? He's saying he paid a lot. I maybe sent my wife a memo thing, but I paid really fast about he paid. We all went to dinner for Derek Waters birthday. Everybody threw. There's 20 people there. Everybody threw cash. Then we were Eric because I'll put it on my card.

We were at some steak place in Burbank. Then I said, you know what? Let's stop at a liquor store. I'll buy some liquor for the house. We're in the car. I get a call from Derek. He goes, hey man, you with Eric? I go, yeah. He goes, yeah, we're at the restaurant. He didn't pay. He just left with all the money. Wow. So I went, Eric. And then he went, my bad, brother. Let's head back.

I totally forgot. We had to do the walk-a-shim drive back and go to the wait staff. Oh, it was horrible. This is embarrassing. After doing a big goodbye and like, you know. Thank you. And Eric thanked every member of the staff. Yo, yo. Delicious mashed potatoes. This place is special. Now, I guarantee you he ripped the weed pen in that bathroom before that. Outside. Outside. That's how you get a napkin. And then you know what he said when he went back and peed? This guy is the reason this little son of a bitch kept me from peeing.

about you yes and they were in a fight in front of everybody fascists mother courage mother courage yeah but they're not open anymore jamila no i won the fascism lost wow no this is not what the premise of the show is pay the fire to

They probably did. They probably did. They sent them into debt. First of all, I want to apologize for bringing Eric. This is not the premise of the show. It's not called I won. It's called wrong turns. Right turns. You tried to turn yours. It's not right turns. Right turns. I won. Close down. Wrong ending. That was a wrong turn that you made. I won. Three lefts make a right. What's the premise of this show? It was wrong turn that you turn right. You don't keep going the wrong way. You know what?

You turn three times left and then you keep going straight and then those fashions are out of business. This is wrong in a circle. First of all, I want to say I am so sorry for your parents. Could you imagine raising a kid like that? Imagine his fifth grade teacher. Oh, yeah. Imagine the parents. This logic, wrong turns make them right. I didn't get a D. The system got a D. You're right. Fucking geometry. Yeah.

There's a fascist. There's a fascist? Yeah. I think you're thinking of a rhombus. Yeah, thank you. That's a fascist. Yeah, man. Oh, yeah. The worst word you could have taught Eric was fascism. Oh, yeah. Little third grade Eric. Fascist. First word. First word. Fascist. Oh, my God.

Oh my God. Okay, well, none of this could be topped. Everyone has to leave. Before we go, where can everyone find you? Gareth, let's start with you. Well, you listen to We're Here to Help. It's the greatest podcast of all time, aside from this one. And you can find me at Reynolds Gareth on social media and go to my website, Gareth Reynolds for stand-up. Fabulous. And Eric? Eric J. Elstein on Instagram. Everybody watch The Sensitive Kind on FX coming out in a few months and then The Burrows next year.

on netflix we're gonna do some interviews with eric on the show where we might interview some legends oh yeah oh yeah we're fired up and jake we're here to help anywhere you can find your podcast oh go listen they're so fun i love you guys thank you mutual

Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jamila Jamil, and Stuart Bailey. Thank you to our launch producer, Eve Bishop, our editor, Shannon Joy Rogers, and consulting producer, Colin Anderson. And don't forget to subscribe, like, and review wherever you get your podcasts. Tell a friend about us, maybe. You can also find full-length video of our episodes on YouTube, and you can email us a voice memo of your own wrong turns at personaldisasterstories at gmail.com. See you then.

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