Jay Jurden and Michael Cruz Kayne
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What if I told you that right now, millions of people are living with a debilitating condition that's so misunderstood, many of them don't even know that they have it. That condition is obsessive compulsive disorder, or OCD. I'm Dr. Patrick McGrath, the Chief Clinical Officer of NoCD. And in the 25 years I've been treating OCD, I've met so many people who are suffering from the condition in silence, unaware of just what it was. OCD can create overwhelming anxiety and fear around what you value most, make you question your identity,

beliefs, and morals, and drive you to perform mentally and physically draining compulsions or rituals. Over my career, I've seen just how devastating OCD can be when it's left untreated. But help is available. That's where NoCD comes in. NoCD is the world's largest virtual therapy provider for obsessive compulsive disorder.

Our licensed therapists are trained in exposure and response prevention therapy, a specialized treatment proven to be incredibly effective for OCD. So visit nocd.com to schedule a free 15-minute call with our team. That's nocd.com. How many discounts does USAA Auto Insurance offer? Too many to say here.

Multi-vehicle discount, safe driver discount, new vehicle discount, storage discount. How many discounts will you stack up? Tap the banner or visit USAA.com slash auto discounts. Restrictions apply.

Hello and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is the show where dignity goes to die, where we don't try and fashion a silver lining out of every fucked up thing that happens to us. And I bring on my favourite funny people and they tell me their tales of woe and misery and humiliation. And we don't try and make a fucking meal out of it, alright? This is anti-inspiration, it's pro-commiseration. With me today, I have two incredibly funny people. One is a comedian, actor and Emmy-winning writer from shows like Severance, Billy on the Street and The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. It's Michael Cruz. Okay.

Hello! Just to clarify your fact checkers, I have in fact lost a few Emmys, but never won one. Emmy nominated. Oh shit. But that's fine. Leave it. Today is opposite day. Thank you. Emmy award winner, Oscar winner, Michael Kresge. If it's opposite day, then man with a full head of hair and knees that work awesome. And great shoes. Yes. You know what? The shoes was an off camera thing. We've been bullying him about his shoes off camera. He's got on Brooke.

Are these on my camera? Brooks, if you want to sponsor me, right? Yeah, don't sponsor me. Leave us out of this narrative. And we also have with us an actor, writer, and comedian who's performed on HBO Comedy Central three times on The Tonight Show and written for The New Yorker and none other than Jon motherfucking Stewart. It's J motherfucking Jordan. Hello. Thank you. That was all correct about me. Fact checkers,

amazing job. I do feel like I'm being bullied instantly.

That's why we brought you here. Thank you. To be the target of whatever pent-up rage you both have. I haven't. None? I had a good day. Okay. Yeah, it's beautiful. You're in such a good mood. Thank you. I like the rain. I like being prepared for the rain. A jacket, an umbrella when it's raining. First of all, do you love this weather going on right now in New York? No, I live in this in England. You come here for a little treat. Yeah, I came here for some sunshine. I wanted to walk with a slice of...

down the street in New York. And I can't because I'm sodden. So I'm actually very disappointed. You are so gorgeous that you walking down the street with a slice of pizza, people would go, what is this? Is this a shoot? Is this a shoot? Is this a commercial for pizza in general? Yeah.

People would be like, okay, put it down, get a new one. I think when I walk down the street with a slice of pizza, people are like, that poor man. They go, that's his only meal of the day. Who gave that man that pizza? What good Samaritan gave that man that pizza? I think I started bullying myself. And now you guys piled on again. But you also, I think you also, you radiate. Like, I feel like you have an energy. I don't know you well enough. Sebaceous glance. Because I've never seen you in a... My glow? It's sweat. I've just never seen you in a bad mood. I've been in a bad mood.

- How are you both doing today? - Very well. I'm happy I'm here. I was excited I got to see you. We never get to hang out.

I only see you on my phone. I'm doing great. I went to a little fancy dinner last night, and that's nice. And at the dinner, I don't drink drinks because I think they taste bad, hot take. And they make me feel bad, hot take too. I've never drunk alcohol. Never in your life? Never? No. You shouldn't even know that it tastes bad. One time by accident, I drank something that I was forced to swallow because we were going live as I drunk the wrong person's drink, but that's the only time. And what did you think of it? It was fucking foul. It tasted like pure poison and petrol. What?

I think that's how I feel about it. That's what I imagine gasoline tastes like. It is poison. I mean, it is poison. It is that. But that's the point. Very refined palate. Like, something's wrong. Anyway, last night, at the fancy dinner, they had a wine pairing, but they also had non-alcoholic drinks, and I had one of them, and it turned out that it was infused with weed, so I got a little bit accidentally high. Wait, wait. Alcohol.

It was a non-alcoholic drink. It was a drink that had cannabis, I guess. Now, I don't think I'll be able to answer any follow-up questions about it. Okay, fine, fine, fine. But it was a drink that I had that made me high.

And I felt pretty good. Yeah. And is that a drink you ordered? Did you order a normal drink and then someone put a little present in there for you? No, no. I pointed at the drink and I said, I'll have this. And then after I had a couple sips, I was like, I feel different. And then I looked more closely and it said...

- There be drugs in here. - So the non-alcoholic option wasn't a completely sober option. - There were other options. There was like a phony Negroni, but I was like that's gonna taste like a Negroni. Negroni tastes bad to me. - Yes, yes, yes. - And they also have non-alcoholic wines. This tastes just like Merlot.

Merlot tastes bad. Yes. So I don't want that. So you. Sounds like I'll have this other thing. Anything I don't like the smell of I don't put in my mouth as a rule. Okay. I think that's a great. I think that's a great rule. It's a great rule and it keeps me safe. Because the nose and the mouth are friends. But some stinky stuff tastes good. There's stinky salads that to me stink but there are. What are we talking like Gorgonzola? Well that's. You're bold. Yes. But. I don't. Because I don't like that either. I think I have

this rule I've never articulated it you know what I went on a podcast yesterday and I was told that apparently there are people called super tasters I've heard of this but do you know what this is so this is basically people who have such an overreactive palate that we have an overly strong like pathetic wimp attitude towards like a lot of strong flavors and tastes like I can't handle ketchup

Too much vinegar? I can't handle anything. I can't handle any condiment, any sauce. I love seasoning, but I don't like sauce. Interesting. That sounds like a texture situation. No. It's a flavor. It's texture, but it's also flavor. I just don't like too much flavor. I'm really just the fucking most boring person alive and I should be taken out and shot. No! I think. I think. I think.

Okay. After this episode. This is the last. Yeah, yeah. That's it for you. Goodbye, everyone. So if you were eating a slice, you'd be like, oh, it's so spicy. And they'd be like, there's nothing spicy. No, but I'm a margarita. Okay. And I love spice. I have a Teflon mouth. Okay. There's nothing I can't handle. However, last night, in a moment of Teflon glory in which I sort of eat food-

I don't put chili sauce in my food. I put food in my chili sauce. Wow. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I would demolish on fucking hot ones. Ooh. Sean Evans, listen. I'm dying to go on that show. Yeah. I mean, I don't even notice this. Yeah. But there's a lot of sauce. I think a lot of those are, there's. I can handle it. I just don't like it. Okay. But I, without fail, because I'm Indian, I eat with my fucking hands. Yeah. I will at some point touch my pussy. At some point. Yeah.

And burn myself. Burn myself with a crotch. I'll be. How far apart are these acts? Far. Okay. But I'll just go for a wee and I won't remember that I had chili sauce on my hand. And then just a little bit. I'll just graze it. I'll miss the tissue and I'll graze it. And then I'm like, this is on fire. It's horrific. I extremely did not predict where this was going to end up. Well, there you go. I love it. Anyway, moving on. No, no, no. We're not moving on.

We're staying here. This is what this podcast is about now. This is what, that's a wrong turn. A weekly wrong turn. Yeah. A wrong burn is what. There we go. All right. You hear that? Sean Evans collab. That just could happen. Wrong burn. He has to touch his, the tip of his penis. Yeah. After handing you one of the hot ones. Because I think that that show needs to escalate at some point. Yeah. They've got to change that. Because we've seen everyone complete it. It's like now it's going to be which sauce can you put on the tip of your cock and still keep.

Yeah, what can be inside your urethra? What can you rub around your leathery bagel, the ring of fire of your asshole? You know what I mean? And tolerate. Now that I want to watch.

Let's make that show. Absolutely. Anyway, when it comes to disaster, back on track. Wow, what a segue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you feel as though it follows you around? You know, you living final destination? No, but I have had the moments that always remind me to be humble. Right. It doesn't follow me, but when they do happen, I go, you know what? Okay, universe. All right. Okay.

Okay, okay, entropy. Okay, okay, rule of constants. I get it. Yeah. I'm not in charge. Yeah. You're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For me, I feel like I'm in constant pain. Does that count? Like every day, I've reached an age, my extremely late 20s. No, I'm kidding. Wait, how old are you? Double what you just said. I am 46. Are you actually 46? I might be.

How do you have this skin? How do I have this skin? Yeah. No, no, no. You know the secret. Okay, well, I'll tell you. Tell her. There are a few things that I have. Yeah, yeah. I don't even know what you're referring to. I know. You know what I'm referring to. Here's what I'll tell you. You make it sound like it's like adenochrome. It is. It is a secret. What it is is it's the blood of children. Yeah, it is. No, I am. I. So, okay. Some cool stuff about me. I have literally insane eczema. So, absolutely. Sick.

Slay. Reach out, fucking Dupixent. So I take a, first of all, I inject myself with a drug every two weeks to make my eczema go away. Called Dupixent. I'm a pharma boy. I've been taking it since the beginning. I'm gonna die of a disease that no one's even invented yet. Hasn't even made them trans yet. But also, because of the eczema,

I'm a lubricator. I mean, I am putting lotion on myself every day of my life since I was like 11. You're like the inside of the glove of the bad guy in Of Mice and Men. You know, the horrible guy who keeps his hand, one hand in a glove. Yes, absolutely. And it's full of Vaseline because that's the hand for his lady. Can I tell you something about this? Tell me. I went to a Starbucks recently. This is not one of these stories, but just the lady. I was giving the lady the money.

and she felt, incidentally, felt my hand and called other women out of the back of the Starbucks to feel my hand. Give it a feel. Whoa! Jesus Christ! I mean, I saw it. It's like a baby seal. Oh my God. I mean, look, I saw it. It's a combination of having really bad eczema, vanity, and never doing a day of work in my entire life. Amazing. Those three, incredible skills. But you know what? Like, I'm...

I have no excuse then. My whole body just feels like Gandhi's crusty asshole. It's really crazy. Really? A lot of in the asshole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm obsessed with it. I'm obsessed with it because I'm afraid of it. No. Oh, wow. So you lean into your fear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't do that. Because I have an asshole the size of a tiny little cat, like a kitten. I just do like rabbit-sized poos. Oh, that's wonderful. Yeah. Well, as humans, that...

- The hole develops first. When we're blastopores, when we're like blastocysts, the first hole that is created on us as humans is the asshole. It's not the mouth. - Wow. - Why do you know this? - Because in biology, we're what's known as deuterostomes, not protostomes. So deutero means second, deuteronomic. So the butthole develops first on us.

Do you feel like the weed drink is happening again? Do you feel like it's still working? I just did not expect to come here and get so much asshole talk and then get a TED talk about assholes. But that's the human condition. We start off assholes.

- Yes. - Oh my God. - Oh my God, I'm obsessed with you. - It's the truth. - I knew if I met you in person, I'd become obsessed with you and now it's happened. - But now it's become beautiful. - I was gonna say that the reason your skin looks so good is the biracial element. - Oh yes. - But you didn't even talk about that. - Well that's also, I think sort of naturally, like the ugliest biracial person is still like a seven. You know what I mean? - What race are you by? - What race are you by?

That's the best way to phrase it. We're talking Filipino. Mm-hmm. And we're talking whites. Okay, so yeah. So Asian doesn't raisin. Yeah. But I pretty much read white. I think most people think white. I don't know. I think like Greek or something. I always go, there's something.

That's right. Anyway, you were saying you're 46. That's how we went off on the wildest tangent. Yeah, but you can edit that. We can cut that out. No, no, no. Industry, I'm whatever age you need me to be. There's no way I'm losing like fucking Neil deGrasse Tyson here. There's no way. Exactly. In order to get to deuter stones. Deuterostones. Deuterostones, you need M46. I was just trying to ask like if you generally have a lucky or unlucky life. What is this podcast about? Exactly.

So you're old, is what you were saying. I am. Brought to you by Brooks. Yeah. Brooks. Because sometimes the stairs are uneven. Yeah. It's fucked up, but that's true. That is why. Can you give me any examples of micro-humiliations? Okay, well, so here's the one that comes to mind immediately is that before...

I was married to my wife. We lived together. That's kind of the natural progression of that. Why did I say that part? Well, because this is a Christian podcast and you are going to hell. Yeah. This is huge in the Christian community. But they hadn't had sex. They hadn't had sex. You just looked at her every now and then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm going to do whatever. I looked at her through a piece of translucent glass, not a clear look. You live with this lady. She took a gig volunteering in Thailand.

And I bought, as a celebration of this commitment that she'd made, I bought a bunch of wine and cheese for us to have the night before. And she drank wine because she likes to drink wine. But she hardly ate any of the cheese. I don't like to waste. The next morning she left and I ate two and a half pounds of aged cheese. No wonder you have eczema. Okay, fuck off. And it gave me something that I know you've never heard of. I know. Which is cheese blindness. Wait.

What? So here's what that means. I ate so much cheese, I'm not kidding, I went blind. I could not see at all. Wait, is it called cheese blindness or have you named it cheese blindness? I don't think you could look it up in a medical journal. No, because something like this happens.

Really? What? It happened last summer. I ate two bags of Haribo while sitting down writing my sub stack in one sitting, but I'm 40. I used to do that when I was 18 and I would do my homework. And I ate two straight bags of gummy bears. Yeah. And then I went blind for three hours. Really? I couldn't see anything. Yeah. And I couldn't find my phone and I was like, oh, I guess I'm just blind.

Yeah. It was fucking terrifying. It's because of the sugar content in the motherfucking cheese. Well, there's something in the cheese apparently. So I went blind. I was working as a tutor at the time. No. So I would like, I tried to just like, you know, I never had anything like that. Wait, how long were you blind for? Probably like...

varying degrees of blindness for a day, basically for a day. This is the inside. Like from morning to night. Terrifying. And then terrible headaches for days afterwards. Oh shit. So I went to tutor a student because I was like, this will just wear off. You know, I've never having had this experience before. And I'm in the room with the kid and she's like, you know, Michael, how do you do this problem? And I'm like, I can't fucking see you. Ha, ha, ha.

So I have to call my dad who's a doctor, who has always been like, never worried about me ever. Anytime anything was wrong with me, he was like, you're fine. And this time he was like, you have to go to the emergency room right away. - Right, right, right. - So I'm freaking out, I go to the emergency room. The doctor, before he runs a test, is like, has anything changed in your life recently? And I have to say, kind of. I just ate two and a half pounds of cheese. - Two and a half pounds? - Ever shit again?

No, I have had it to this day. - That is, that's, I was more concerned about you being plugged up. I was more worried about that.

- Then blindness? - Blind. - From enzymes or fat? - He said there's something in the cheese called tyramine. - Okay. - And if you get too much of it, you can have, it's a dosage thing, right? Like you eat a regular amount of cheese, you're fine. But if you eat too much tyramine, it can trigger an inflammatory response in your body. And my body's reaction to that was, we're just gonna turn off the eyes. - I'm also gonna say, your Filipino half turned off the eyes.

The white half was like, I need more of this cheese. The white half was like, I need it all. We love stuffing caves that went bad. But the Filipino half was like, absolutely not. We're good. Yeah, I think there is a part of me that's like, we can't throw shit out. It made you go see a Filipino nurse. That's what it did. Yeah, it brought me closer to my roots. That's such a humiliating thing to have to say to a doctor. Yeah, it's pretty brutal to be like, it might... You're a grown adult, man. Yeah, for the doctor to be like, I think you out-cheesed yourself. Yeah.

laughter

How old were you at this time? 45. No, I was probably, before we had kids, probably like 25 or something like that. Oh, wow. That is young. You know what? It's fine if you're 25. I feel like you're allowed to. Could you have died? Oh, I don't know if I could have. I mean, based on the fact that I went blind, I feel like I could have died. I'm probably half a pound of cheese from killing myself by accident. That is such an embarrassing way to die. It would be a true he died doing what he loved, though. Yeah, I'm into it. We're going to go to a quick break.

What if I told you that right now, millions of people are living with a debilitating condition that's so misunderstood, many of them don't even know that they have it. That condition is obsessive compulsive disorder, or OCD. I'm Dr. Patrick McGrath, the Chief Clinical Officer of NoCD. And in the 25 years I've been treating OCD, I've met so many people who are suffering from the condition in silence, unaware of just what it was. OCD can create overwhelming anxiety and fear around what you value most, make you question your identity,

beliefs, and morals, and drive you to perform mentally and physically draining compulsions or rituals. Over my career, I've seen just how devastating OCD can be when it's left untreated. But help is available. That's where NoCD comes in. NoCD is the world's largest virtual therapy provider for obsessive compulsive disorder.

Our licensed therapists are trained in exposure and response prevention therapy, a specialized treatment proven to be incredibly effective for OCD. So visit nocd.com to schedule a free 15-minute call with our team. That's nocd.com. If you work in healthcare, you rely on your training, focus, and team to make decisions. You rely on your mind. But how often do you listen to your heart? Do you want to work in a universal healthcare system that puts people first?

Do you want to live in a welcoming community and care for others in a place that cares about you? If so, follow your heart to British Columbia, Canada. Opportunities await at echealthcareers.ca. A message from the Government of British Columbia.

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Message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. And we're back. Whoa! Hello! Yes! I missed you! Whee! I know! I was so sad behind that ad for Brooks. I don't know. Ha ha ha!

What about you? Any micro humiliations? Micro humiliations. I had a few of them. So the big thing in high school for me is I loved hooking up with girls. That was a thing that like looking back on it, I was wild. Currently married to a man. But as a bisexual high school, I was a little terrible little slut. And at one point, one of my high school girlfriends and I, we were getting hot and heavy in the car. I don't want to brag. It was a Mitsubishi Gallant. Yeah.

Yeah. And so when we were in the front seat of my Mitsubishi Gallant, we did park in her parents' driveway. And we started getting hot and heavy. Okay. Yeah. We had to do this one time. So...

At that point. We're doing the Titanic hand down the window. So here's the crazy part. It was very hot. And then, do you know the basis? So we were past second. So we were rounding third. Okay. Knock on the window. Uh-oh. In the driveway. Grandma.

- Not grandma. I was worried it was dad, but grandma makes me want to zip up my jacket. - Not my grandma, exactly. Yeah, hide yourself. - I feel so exposed. - And the wildest part is grandma was parked behind me. So I had to be like, I'm so sorry, ma'am. Also, you gotta let me out. You gotta let me back out.

So at the three-point turn, I was like, I have to leave. Wait, what did Grandma see? She screamed. What was her vantage point? I mean, she saw, like, some boobs. She didn't see. Because we're rounding third. We're rounding third. No, we're past second. We're approaching third. So pants were unzipped. Okay. No, so it was more of a...

i'm in the driver's seat situation and the reason i couldn't see grandma's because i'm turned to the passenger seat making out in the passenger seat the console is kind of like in the middle this is a threesome at this point because the gear shaft and so we're doing all of that i'm on top of her and so then knock on the window does she see your bum hole she does not she definitely sees boxers because if you

your bum was facing the window that would be hilarious and that is the that is a much bigger fear but no hands were down pants and hands were on boobs it was I mean to be fair it was kind of pg stuff maybe pg-13 and then grandma knock on the door and then she's like mortified and so then I also have to ask her and then I never went back never went back that is a nightmare but we did hook up again oh

Oh, that's wonderful. And that's a beautiful ending. In front of grandpa. In front of grandpa to make it even. It was at the cemetery. We were like, well, he needs to see. He needs to see this. But no, we did hook up. Do you think maybe when we get random shutters, it's because someone just fucked on our grave? Ooh. Maybe that's what it is. In the future? Where you fucked on our grave. So you think there's a time traveling ramification. Yeah, that's what I think. That's what you thought for a long time? I'm hugely intelligent. Yeah.

Hugely. And you should be really intimidated by this. Honestly, I've always thought that. Yeah, I agree with you. That's something I thought for a long time. That's why I have bangs, just to hide my ginormous brain. No, but we got caught and then it was a little bit awkward for a moment. But when you're a teenage boy, my dick was not embarrassed. My dick was like, we got stuff to do. Is your dick embarrassed now? No. Exactly. I don't think it has that part of its brain. It's hard for my penis to be embarrassed. There have been moments. One time I was hooking up with my husband in,

at the Fire Island house that we kind of were at that summer and the owners walked in and because Fire Island is such a free... The owners, like you were renting this house or you were guests? So we were guests in one of the bedrooms. We broke into the house. We broke into the house. We were hooking up and this was like, this was full on fucking, fucking. Yeah. Wonderful. I love it.

I think that's great, by the way. The guys who own the house, we share a bathroom with them and their room's right there. And I remember one of them just went, oh, boys. And just went about washing up. They just kept about their business. It's Fire Island. They're not-

- Gonna be amazed by this brother. - But that's what I'm saying. So that's like the difference in those two moments. - 100%. - It's been 20 plus years. - But I think if penises were incapable of embarrassment, like no buildings would have been built

No. Nothing would have been achieved. Civilization wouldn't exist. We wouldn't have electricity. Certainly no obelisks. Yeah. 100%. Definitely not that cock rocket that Katy Perry and Gayle King definitely didn't actually go to space in. Can I ask a question about Fire Island? Yeah. Never been. Okay. But isn't there, here's how I imagine it. All right. It's like a bunch of 40 and 50 year old people with their kids on one side of it. I want you to know what I just heard. And then it's sex paradise on the other side. This is what I heard. It's a bunch of fuckers.

That's what I had! It's like you didn't know. It's a bunch of... No! Did you just wrong turn hate crime on my fucking show? A bad edit could really end it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's what it is. I have a question about... It's a bunch of... I have a question about Fire Island. I don't want to shoot, Michael. So just tell me if I'm getting this right. It's a bunch of... Oh!

I just cut my whole question out. What do you call people who go to hell? What do you call them? Families. 40-year-old families. 40-year-old families on one side and then sex paradise on the other side. That's how I imagine it. Yeah. Is that right? Yeah. So the Pines versus Cherry Grove. Okay. Which one is sex paradise? So the Pines is all the boys and the drag queens and the –

and the queer people having their way that summer. And then some of the families are kind of in Cherry Grove, but Cherry Grove also has a huge lesbian population, and those girls get down too. - I believe it. - They, wow, wow, do they get down. - Yeah. - They party hard. - And I think that's great. I'm for that. - All right, overcorrection now. Whatever it was. - So, Michael. - Yeah. - What was your wrong turn? - Okay, so I was, the summer after college,

I was studying Shakespeare at Oxford. Treat me normal, but that is a thing that I just, I'm just like you. I'm like you. Oh, man. Wait a second. Wait a second. It was a summer camp, so let's not break it. But in Oxford? Yes. Mississippi? Nothing.

I was the Ole Miss. So while I was there, I was in theater. When you come up doing theater, if you're heterosexual, you can bat. Okay, same, same. Two heterosexuals. You can bat way above your weight. You can punch above your weight. Punch above your weight. Heterosexual. It's a tiny pool of boys. That's exactly right. So at this place,

I was regarded as, I think, more attractive than perhaps I was. But whatever it was. Listeners, Michael is very hot. He keeps doing this so that y'all in the comments section are going to say, oh, Michael, you're so handsome. We should eat cheese and go blind together. Please do what he's saying. I need it. Okay.

Okay, so you're cleaning up. So anyway, there's a girl in my, a young lady, in the class with me. And we have kind of like a flirtatious vibe. Nothing's actually happened. Yeah, yeah. Um...

On the last day of Oxford, they throw us a river party. There's a party by the river. It's a party by the river. Wow. God, we are such wankers. And they're giving, there's wine. Anybody can have as much wine as they want. Wow. And this young woman drinks a lot of wine. Like, it's absolutely fucking destroyed. Right. So now I'm at the party. What's that? She's English? No, no, she's from, I don't know, Pittsburgh or something? Oh, okay. She sounded English. Well, I mean, well. Shh. Shh.

She gets wrecked. Yeah. So I'm at the party. I'm talking to my friend. Let's say I'm talking to my friend, Jane. And she comes up behind me and puts her arms around my waist. I'm like, oh, I don't really, I might be into this in some circumstance, but she's so drunk that it's not attractive to me. All right, you don't need to virtue signal here. Okay. So then, so then, later on, you know, I'm talking to somebody, I'm talking to somebody else and she'll come up and start like nibbling on my ear. I'm like, oh. It's like I was doing my BLM work and I was like, leave me alone, young woman. I can't give you consent. Ha, ha, ha.

Michael was like, as a feminist. I was talking to my trans friend. Can I say something? Who's in a wheelchair. I am getting destroyed on this fucking podcast. Can I say something as a person who loves trans women of color who's also body positive? I saw you at this party. This is a terrible podcast.

So anyway. Okay, so anyway. Anyway, I coach somebody else. She's nibbling on my ear or whatever. I'm like, you've got to stop. Yeah. Again, I go someplace else. She takes my hand and puts my finger in her mouth. I'm like, this can't be happening. It's a fucking nightmare. I leave the party. I leave. I'm being kind of stalked here. You're being hunted. Yeah, I'm being hunted. I go back to the dorm. We're staying in these dorms. And I go to sleep. I wake up two hours later, someone banging on my door. Wow. Oh, my God. This is a horror movie. And they're like, you've got to come out into the hallway. Okay.

This woman is asking for your help. I open the door. I look out into the hallway. She's lying on the ground in the hall, vomiting onto the floor, being like, help me. She's sort of lying on her side. Yeah, that's exactly right. It's kind of dripping. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- So I, along with a person who's knocked on the door, we go to help her. So I'm like, I'm positioning myself kind of underneath her. I don't know anything about what you're supposed to do, but I try to keep her upright, that seems smart, and then give her water, which she promptly pukes. - Throws up on you. - Pukes it up. So we're like, go through this a few times. Pick her up, give her water, she pukes, wipe it off.

The fourth or fifth time I do this, I'm adjusting myself because I'm trying to get comfortable in this position I feel like I'm gonna be in for a long time. I pull my hand out from under there and my hand is covered in shit. Absolutely, absolutely painted in shit.

- Oh, wow. - And the woman who's with me. - How had you not felt that shit is piping off? - I think, I don't know, because I guess I was maybe half asleep and I was gonna puke all over me. - No, she'd already shit herself. - Maybe she had shat at the beginning. - And it had cooled down. - Perhaps, okay. - It was room temperature. - I like that you're doing CSI on this. - It was room temperature poo by the time your arm got it. So you thought it was vomit.

- I understand. - I guess this is what happened. - Both ends. - Yeah, both, front and then she's back in it. - This is wild. - She's giving us the front back. - Oh my God. - So the person who's helped, we're collaborating on this care for this person, the person who's helping me. - Michael, she trusts you. - And I think that's beautiful. - And they've been married for 20 years. - And today she's my wife.

The person who's helping me goes, "I think she might have shat on you." And I'm like, "Yeah, she, well yeah, definitely." Right, 'cause that's what this is for sure, 100%. So then we're like, that makes me a little bit indignant. I can't keep doing this. Like, I kind of have a moment where you're like, "What's happening in my life right now? "Oh, it can't keep happening."

So we take her like our both her arms under the you know, I'm trying to do this. Yeah, and We go into her room. We're just gonna put her in bed. She seems like she's like vaguely. Okay now in the room There's you got it all out all over There's hither and thither in the room and then we're like we're gonna put her in the bed But then it's like I'm looking at her being like I can't put this person covered in shit and puke and

into her, into the bed like this. So what ends up happening is, cut to, we take all her clothes off, her arm is over my head, she's facing that way, I'm looking into the mirror by the sink in her room, just scrubbing the poop out of her butt while I look at myself. - Wow!

And to be like, this is what you're doing at Oxford, my man. This is where you've ended up. This is your last night. This is your lasting memory. Your last hurrah is this. Clean her up. Put her in her bed.

And so that's sort of the end of the story. Yeah. Epilogue, the next day, she rather cheekily offers to cheekily, you know, because like cheeks, that's kind of funny. She offers to, yeah, she offers to do my laundry. Okay. Which makes sense, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She does my laundry for, and then we get on a plane like that night. And she offered to like clean and erase your brain. Yeah, exactly. She was gonna, she offered to men in black me. Yeah.

And then for weeks afterwards, I'll put that clothing on and I'll find in the pockets of it little passages of smut that she has written on little tiny pieces of paper crumpled up and put into the pockets of my pants. So I'll open it up and there'll be a little piece of paper that says Rachel brushed against his...

and felt a feeling she'd never felt before. Oh, she's trying to rewrite the narrative. And that's what it was. Okay, and the epilogue to the epilogue is I've run into this person twice since then. In New York? Once in New York. No. And by that time, I had told every single person I know this story. Of course. 100% of people knew this story. And I'm with a friend of mine and I see her approaching and I'm like,

oh, this is the person that I told you that. Like, don't bring it up, but that's the person I told you to story about. Because I'm like, sure, she's horrified by the story. She comes up to me and she's like, oh my God. And my friend is like, do you know that I shat all over him? And I'm like, she owns it. She's right in there. She's probably telling the story all the time. She was just on this podcast telling this story. Yeah, exactly. And here she is.

Does she think that people like knowing that about her? You know, everything's perspective. So maybe her version of the story is like, there was this dude who was being real weird. You know what I mean? And I had to shit on him to get him off me. Yeah, yeah. Or this guy was so gay, I tried fucking him the whole night. And you know what? I say, you know what? I'm so sick of this fucking...

Family man. Family man. Yeah. That I'm going to get hammered. And he shot on his arm. Yeah. You'll think about it for the rest of your life. Anyway, we're going to go to a break.

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What if I told you that right now, millions of people are living with a debilitating condition that's so misunderstood, many of them don't even know that they have it. That condition is obsessive compulsive disorder, or OCD. I'm Dr. Patrick McGrath, the Chief Clinical Officer of NoCD. And in the 25 years I've been treating OCD, I've met so many people who are suffering from the condition in silence, unaware of just what it was. OCD can create overwhelming anxiety and fear around what you value most, make you question your identity,

beliefs, and morals, and drive you to perform mentally and physically draining compulsions or rituals. Over my career, I've seen just how devastating OCD can be when it's left untreated. But help is available. That's where NoCD comes in. NoCD is the world's largest virtual therapy provider for obsessive compulsive disorder.

Our licensed therapists are trained in exposure and response prevention therapy, a specialized treatment proven to be incredibly effective for OCD. So visit nocd.com to schedule a free 15-minute call with our team. That's nocd.com.

And we're back. All right, Jay, what was your big wrong turn? Okay, big wrong turn. So as we established, I'm a horny little demon when I'm in high school. There was one moment that is actually even more invasive than a grandma walking in. Okay, I can't wait.

So I had a girlfriend at the time. This is a different year. This must have been my junior year. She was a cheerleader. She was fun. We made out all the time. We were notorious for making out in between periods, and so I would go over to her house a lot. Are you a hot guy in high school? I mean, you're a hot guy. You're a hot guy. But I mean, I don't know. You're a fucking jack now. So I was funny. Yeah, I was funny. I was like...

You know, when you have abs in high school, 'cause you don't have to try. I was funny, I had that going for me. And girls liked me, but what they didn't know is that they just wanted a queer best friend. - Sure, sure, sure. - But they were like, "I feel so, I wanna hang out with him." And I'd be like, "Yeah, you do." And we'd kiss a lot. I love kissing. And so, we would make out all the time. You'd see us in between periods, you'd be like, "These two." And so, I would go over to her house, and I watched the beginning of so many movies. For me, I was like,

Okay. I never saw Optimus turn into a robot. I was like, he's a truck. All right, let's get to it. Like I saw the beginning of so many movies. I was like, well, you know, ET just lived here forever. Like that, that was, that was the thing we would go over, but we weren't allowed to go to her room. We were, this was a different, this was like when I had a car and like a,

be kind of private we get kind of crazy her mom was like a hawk her mom was like y'all are not going to the room you stay in the living room and you watch them she can smell the little slut she can smell it a part of me wants to be like gay boy but you know whatever so we we would be like making out and making out would eventually always become dry humping now i love the dry humping because and tell me if you've ever been here

I follow through. I don't dry hump just for fun. I would dry hump to completion. - Yes. - Yeah. - Sure. - I would leave that place and you would think my jeans were starched. Like that level of-- - Could break your jeans. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like-- - Snap them in half. - Yeah, I'd be like, sorry Hollister. I don't know what to tell you. So there was one time when I remember, like this is insane. I think she had negative two orgasms. I came twice.

- I mean, she just got rug burn. So I came twice in my jeans. And so then I have to kind of sit there in my own bill. - Yeah, absolutely. - And I'm like watching the rest of this movie. And this is the moment that was the craziest. One time afterwards, her mom comes back into the room and she's like, well, Jay, it's kinda late. I think you need to leave. I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna head out. And she, like she's standing there and I say goodbye to my girlfriend at the time.

And she says, Jay, you're over here all the time. Come on. And I have to hug my girlfriend's mom, who's also pretty hot at the time, my girlfriend's mom in my soiled dinner. And also, it would be showing on the other side of that. Well, I mean, the thing is, I don't know if she, she never confronted me about it, but I was like, did she know that I hugged her with condoms?

Like, I like. You didn't. Did you come a third time? No, I didn't come a third time. But I hugged her mom. It wasn't like a crotch to crotch hug, but it was enough of a hug. I was like, this is crazy. But also. And her into a coming mummy. Kind of cool. And so that was in my, I was in, I was in my car in the driveway and I was like,

Kind of counts. Kind of counts. Kind of counts. Yeah. And so then I drove home and I remember I would be like, oh, this is so crazy because I had underwear on too. So I can't think that much of it would have seeped through the jeans. But I just remember thinking, wow, that is crazy. And then that's also the girl I lost my virginity to.

Oh, her mom. Yeah, yes, her mom. No, but I lost my virginity to that girl later that year. Yeah, it was beautiful. It was a hotel room. I think, I mean, it had to be...

Five minutes. Maybe, if that long. But, you know, I finally got to come outside of jeans. Yeah, and she didn't get rug burn. She didn't. She didn't get anything else, though. She got a corsage. And you've made it a family affair before then. You know what I mean? You got nice clothes. That's really beautiful, yeah. I think it's a really beautiful story, actually. I mean, I feel, I felt a little bit of guilt, but now she has like, I want to say she has five kids. None of them look like me. But she does have five kids now.

That's nice. Yeah. I think that's really a sweet story. Yeah. You don't think that's embarrassing? The idea of being able to ejaculate twice is already just like, oh, yeah. Remember then? 16, I was a hair trigger. I mean, 16. I did catch that. I was like, all right. All right. Bracking? No, at 16, because there were moments. This is like actually even crazier. I really shouldn't tell it. Okay. I'm going to tell it. So there was one.

Truly. There was one party where a girl was like, we're going to play truth or dare. And one of the dares was like, someone had to jerk off. And everyone was like, no, none of us jerk off. And all the boys were like, we would never jerk off at this party. And I was like, what are the stipulations of this dare? And someone was like, all the girls are willing to show you boobs if you jerk off. And I was like, you guys...

I'm jerking off. And so I went into a bathroom at this party. I went into a party. I went into the bathroom at this party. I jerked off into like a tissue at the thought of boobs.

Because they didn't show them to me. I can't believe that. Oh, yeah. Okay, it makes sense. Because if they showed me the boobs first. You could just not do anything. I'd be like, well, mom, pick me up. So they let me go in the bathroom. They're like, do you need anything? I was like, I got it. And so I was like. Don't worry. I can actually do this with literally any thought. I was like, you really understand. I can picture anything in this war. I was like, okay, so teen Simba. And so I'm.

I'm in the bathroom. I drink off. Did you just say Teen Simba? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. I get that. Teen Simba is hot. Teen Simba and Nala? Is that not Nala? When Nala did this,

There's a moment in The Lion King where Nala lays on her back and she nods and you go, "It's in." - Every single person knows what we're talking about. - Yeah, and she's just, she's the sexiest lion. Anyway, so I'm in the bathroom, I jerk off, I come back out and they go, "Jade, you really jerk off?" And I triumphantly am like, "Yes, boobs please." And the girls there, to their credit, they are women of their word.

They show me their boobs. And I want to say this, gray boobs. Gray boobs. Gray boobs. How many women are we talking about? We're talking three different girls in high school. I saw six titties. I was going to jerk off already. So that's the exchange rate. I'm in the bonus. Yeah, exactly. And you didn't get made fun of for that or no one was like, ugh. No, only because they're like, Jay's wild. Like there was, no, because here's. This motherfucker. I swear to God, you just had the coolest.

- No, but I-- - Life from day one. Why are you even funny? You're handsome and you had a good time. - I agree with this. - Get out! - No, no, no. - Get out! - Wait, can I ask a question? Am I allowed to ask questions in this world? - Of course you should ask questions. - I wanna go back to-- - The boobs? - Jerking off for boobs. - Yeah. - When they said someone has to jerk off, immediately you knew that that meant to completion away from them?

- Yeah, I thought-- - 'Cause I sort of assumed that it meant-- - 'Cause I thought you'd have to wank in a circle. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - We'll trade dick for boobs. - I think that they, those girls didn't wanna see a penis. - I see. - They kinda, they were like, we do not wanna see any of these boys' willies. - But they did wanna see cum and a tissue. - They wanted to see cum and a tissue, and I think they-- - As proof that it had happened. - And I think they also just knew that no one was gonna do it. I think it was sort of them being like, no one would actually jerk off. And I was like, we'll just see, I'm not-- - Yeah.

You shouldn't have invited me if you didn't think I was going to drink coffee. Do you think if they'd asked you to like shit on a carpet in front of everyone for some boobs, you would have done it? I'm just trying to gauge your limits. No, no, no, no. That's not. I think that cum is generative. I think cum is. Oh, here we go. Now it's philosophy. He's going to teach us fucking science about cum. I think cum is beautiful, right? I'm drinking some right now. Come on. Oh, he really is.

But I think that because teenagers were more kind of like, we're interested in sexy stuff, not gross out stuff at that point. It was kind of gross, but also still kind of sexy because we're discussing. Yeah, when someone who looks like you does it. No, but we're also doing like, we're kissing. There's a lot of boys who if they did that, that

That's horrifying. I'm not going to lie. There probably are some boys that wouldn't have. I did get away with a lot for being, I was kind of cute and funny. And like the cute and funny kid can do that. You know, a couple of kids with, you know, roller backpacks.

They probably didn't get the chance. Yeah. You and I had very different upbringings. I was the school shooter. No. No, no, no. I was also. I was absolutely a pariah. Yeah. Really? At that age, no one was going to show me boobs for anything. Oh my God. People would only be friends with me on secret on the weekend. What? Yeah. Which is not friendship, it turns out. Gosh. Yeah. That's terrible. You were a secret? I was a secret.

I was a mistress to straight teenage girls. I used to find you fucking thrived and now you have great skin and a great life. Yeah, you had nothing bad ever happen. You know what? I liked you. And now I'm consumed with jealousy and I don't think I want to be here anymore.

anymore. We were getting Jaws theme and I was getting accused of doing heroin and you were double coming with people's moms high-fiving you afterwards. All the stories today were about successfully coming. No. Having a great time. Okay, one time recently. Oh, this is going to be terrible. You know it's going to be like one time I broke a nail. Yeah, no, me and my husband hooked up with this other couple and one of the guys gave me a blowjob underwater. See? See?

See? Okay. See? Wow, that's right. Why doesn't everyone tell everyone where they can find you? We're going to wrap this up. Michael, where can people find you? I'm on all the things as at Cruz Cain. That's it. And it's Cain, K-A-Y-N-E. K-A-Y-N-E. Kind of like Kanye, but less asthmatic. We kind of got to give him Cruz, too. Yeah, C-R-U-Z, Cruz, like Penelope. Just don't even do it. It's fine. Yeah.

Just look up Cruz Kanye. Yeah, there you go.

You can find me on all social media at Jay Jordan, J-A-Y-J-U-R-D-E-N. That's Twitter because I'm evil. Instagram, threads, blue sky. Yeah. Still a thing. Yeah, people use blue sky. Do you use blue sky? No, I don't use blue sky. Are you on it, but you don't use it? Huh? I don't know. Okay. Yeah, right on. So there's a you on there just so you know. Yeah, yeah. For sure. Somebody's doing you. Listen, this has been so much fun. I have learned so much.

so much about you both, especially the fact that you, Jay, are just God's favorite. No, no, no, no. I'm under six feet. We are revoking...

Oh, no, you're right. See? Your life is awful. See? Yeah, yeah. I too have suffered. The fact that you are under six feet and then continue to go on to thrive like you're fucking LeBron is enough said. You are God's favorite. You and I are in the trenches together. Yes, exactly. But we have great skin. Yes. And that's something. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. And you both went blind. Thank you both. We both went blind. And we both went blind. High five. Yes.

Yes. I have astigmatism. That's a thing. All right. Shut up, Jay. Thank you both so much for coming on. Coming. Yeah. In the operative word. Great. Yeah.

Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jamila Jamil, and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to our launch producer, Eve Bishop, our editor, Shannon Joy Rogers, and consulting producer, Colin Anderson. And you can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong Turns that we will read out on the show. Just email personaldisasterstories at gmail.com.

And if you are also enjoying me as a person, I have a sub stack. It's called a low desire to please. That's enough of me. I'm going to fuck off now. Bye. It's easy to be a superhero. You don't need a cape or x-ray vision. You just need to sign up for power saver rewards. That way, when you save energy during a flex alert, you get a credit back on your energy bill. Visit powersaverrewards.org and become a superpower saver.

What if I told you that right now, millions of people are living with a debilitating condition that's so misunderstood, many of them don't even know that they have it. That condition is obsessive compulsive disorder, or OCD. I'm Dr. Patrick McGrath, the Chief Clinical Officer of NoCD. And in the 25 years I've been treating OCD, I've met so many people who are suffering from the condition in silence, unaware of just what it was. OCD can create overwhelming anxiety and fear around what you value most, make you question your identity,

beliefs, and morals, and drive you to perform mentally and physically draining compulsions or rituals. Over my career, I've seen just how devastating OCD can be when it's left untreated. But help is available. That's where NoCD comes in. NoCD is the world's largest virtual therapy provider for obsessive compulsive disorder.

Our licensed therapists are trained in exposure and response prevention therapy, a specialized treatment proven to be incredibly effective for OCD. So visit nocd.com to schedule a free 15-minute call with our team. That's nocd.com.