Jordan Firstman and Megan Gailey
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Hello everyone and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is a podcast that is all about our stupidest decisions, our worst disasters, things that we came out of with no great silver lining. And so we have brought on a ton of miserable guests to come on and share their woes with us so that we can all feel collectively like sometimes life just fucks you for no reason. You know what I mean? Yeah. And so my guests today are...

an actress, comedian, podcaster, and writer from shows like Pause with Sam Jay and The Roast of Tom Brady. Her new podcast, which she co-hosts with Sarah Tiana and Rachel Bonetta, is Sports Bitches. It's Megan Gailey. Hello. Hello. Hi. I think a Monday morning is the best time to talk about the worst mistakes you've made in life. It sets the tone for the week, I think. It really does. Yeah. It's the opposite of Manifest Monday. Yeah. Yeah. I'd rather that than talk about sports. I don't know what podcast you're doing. That sounds like my house.

No, our gay male listenership is low. Definitely for a podcast hosted by three women, we're like, where are the gays? Which is a shame because the men look wonderful. Oh, yeah. I mean, no, we, I would say we are talking about how hot they are and how much we want to have sex with them way more than we're talking about, like,

wins and losses. Well, this actually already I have a point. This is like gay men are very visual with what we want. Yeah. And I think in females in general, they like like to listen to like an erotic podcast like they're they like to listen to hot things or talk about hot things where we like to like touch, look and fuck them. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. There is a YouTube element. Okay. Okay. And we have. And you pull the pictures up. Oh, we pull the pictures up. And this sexy voice that you're hearing, by the way, belongs to comedian, writer, actor, producer and musician from English Teacher and Rotting in the Sun. Here's a new album out. It's called Secrets. And you can see him in the upcoming HBO comedy series with Rachel Sennett. Jordan Fassman. Hello. How are you? The internet's ultimate biggest.

biggest crush i yeah i at times at times they waver with me they feel as though you come in and out i come in and out of culture as anyone does yes you know what i mean but you had us in a fucking chokehold during the pandemic yeah that was an on moment i would say a couple years off do you plan on coming back or are you serious i think this i would say um i

I would like to come back, you know, for a little bit, dip in and out. Yeah. I have a rule like one one moment. You could have a six month period of relevance every two to three years. And that's it. That's like my rule slash goal. You feel like you have to stay hot.

Yeah, always forever. Or do you only get hot for that six months? Do you let yourself go in between? The two years is just regaining. Channing Tatum calls that getting fappy, where he gets fat and happy. Yeah. He just posted a fappy photo dump. Great. And I commented, hey fatty.

I'm like, you can post that with Channing Tatum. Well, he that's what he's he's going for. I actually I presented at the WGA Awards and my plan was to come out because, you know, they're all writers. Writers Guild. I wanted to come out and say, what's up, fatties? And they didn't want that. They said no. Then I changed it to what's up, uggos. They didn't like that either. But that's great writing. Yeah. Yeah. Like I would have liked it.

Uggos in particular is an extraordinary entry into that. So, okay. So when it comes to disaster, are you people who, you know, does disaster seek you out or are you generally quite lucky people? I mean, I'm seven months pregnant in the fall of democracy. Oh my God. Honestly, it's so sad. What's great is like he can,

he can hear everything we're saying and he's like that's not even the first time someone said that mama like i keep getting on stage being like does anyone want him he's by racial by the way everyone it's 10 a.m that was too far i'll admit that it wasn't too far i don't even know that i fully want him you know and i'm so sorry to say that but it's like resources are scarce baby like time is tough

The stock market is crashing. I don't know that I can afford you. What about you, Jordan? You seem like someone who makes good decisions. But I think that's just because you're hot.

i well thank you yeah not and also not everyone thinks that i like really like people either think i'm hot or like really don't at all it's that's a weird thing i like go through in life like i want someone to just objectively tell me if i'm hot because i get the spectrum i mean whose opinion would you actually take a solid you know because anyone could say i just said it and it's clearly not made a dent who

would you believe if they said you are incredibly hot? Like Olivia Colman, maybe? I knew it was going to be Olivia Colman. I don't know why. I just knew it was because she

I want all of my questions answered. I just trust her opinion on everything. But I think she would say I was hot. I mean, when you're gay, it's just a whole different standard because it's like they don't really care about personality or faces. I think a lot of my if I were to say where my hotness shines through, it's like from the from the inside out. Like I think it's in my eyes. It's whatever gay people don't care about your eyes.

Like they've never, their least favorite body part is your eyes. You say you could be like Tucker Carlson but with an insane body. 100%. Wow. 100%. But you value the opinion of women even though you're not fucking them. Yeah.

Yeah, I think they like I value the opinion in general more. Yeah, of women. And I would want like gay men to think that I look good or like my outfit. But that's I have this whole new thing where I just you know, that like subway take show. Yes, I my subway take was that like despite what culture.

has led us to believe gay men actually have worse style than straight men. Like, I think actually gay men, if you really are going to go out on the streets and look at the way gay people dress, they have no right to be telling anyone anything. It's bonkers bananas. Yeah, it's like, we're in WeHo right now. We're in the epicenter. You go to the Abbey.

And you're going to see like a guy with like a like a crop top that says I love Bjork and bottoming with like spandex, like sparkly shorts and like huge Doc Martin heels. And it's like you're going to tell me anything happened because

- I feel like there was a time. - What happened to you? - Yeah, no, but I feel like there was a time, like late 90s, where suddenly-- - Where I liked gay people. Yeah, those times are long gone, mama. - But when... But there was a time when being gay meant that you were very, very chic. Do you feel like everything has become so open and free that now everyone can leave us? - I think we were lied to. I think we were lied to. You go back and watch Sex and the City, all of those girls' outfits hold up. You look at Stanford,

Not holding up. I don't think he was ever set up as an icon. But they kind of were saying, like, you listen to Stanford for like. He was sitting front row at Carolina Herrera. There are fashion gays. There are also non-gay. God, this is.

This is such a like scolding hot take. I don't even know what to do with it. I'm going to be looking around now. We're in WeHo. It hasn't come out yet. We're getting a sneak peek. I do think that like, you know, the gays will be mad because they really think they're eating house foods. And they are not, my mom.

Tell me, do you feel like you experience disaster? Do you make good decisions, bad decisions? I think the universe has always a very, at this point, obvious and strategic way of humbling me when I start to get... Like, I do a thing that's like, it's definitely, it doesn't mean I'm in a good place in my life or spiritually enlightened. But sometimes, like,

if I want just a blowjob. Like, it's like, if I want just a blowjob and I want a good blowjob, usually the ones who give those types and will do it just like that aren't on the more attractive side. Sure, sure, sure. So I'll kind of, I'll blindfold myself.

and like leave the door open and they just like come in and do their thing and then leave. There was one night where I like I invited a guy over. I knew he was a fucking like pig, like just like he looked horrible. And I knew that even though he didn't have pictures, I was like, whatever, I want this done now. And he comes over. I'm I'm supposed to be the hot one in this situation. He comes over. I like kind of see through my mask and like look me up and down. Leave. He left.

I was like, what? What is happening right now? Instant karma for being such a cunt. Yeah, 100%. I'm like, my naked body was like, it repulsed him for some reason. But yeah, so stuff like that happens to me a lot. I heard a story that there's a huge Hollywood star who is gay but not out and what he does is he just ties a bag over his head and

and lets you come in and suck him off. That's exactly what I do. Not the bag. The bag's a great idea, though. And not to say that you are not a huge Hollywood star. Do you know who it is? I do know who it is. You'll tell me after. Because I'm willing to be on the other side of the bag as well. I'm not just the blindfolded guy. But my friend who...

you know was eventually you know invited to suck him off right uh was originally on like a helicopter with a bunch of different celebrities and was sitting right next to him and this is when he didn't have the um the bag over his head so then the next day when he comes in it's like i just flew next to you i remember your smell like i know who you are and it's supposed to be this pretense that he has no idea how did you just find them it's like very isis blowjob situation the logistics this is like when

It's like when I see a man running, I'm like, we die. Like a man running at night. I want to hit with my car because I'm like, women can't fucking do that. I can't just like open my front door and be like, come and eat my pussy. I have a bag on my head. I literally am on dateline dead and everyone's like, good fucking day.

for I'm glad she's dead, she's a crazy bitch. - Even walking home at night, it's so scary to me. For some reason that reminded me of a time where in West Hollywood, which is also one of the safest areas in Los Angeles, 'cause everyone's gay. So like you are safe, you are protected, but you just never know. - But those twinks are drunk. - I don't think they're that drunk, Jordan. - They might just hit you with a fern over your head. - There's some wild chihuahuas too. Like there are definitely dogs running West Hollywood. - But whenever I walk home,

I run home from wherever I've like, like whichever Uber I've gotten out of, or I run home from like a comedy store to my house or something. And I will run as if I'm already being chased. So I'm looking behind me running in panic. I'm acting. Cause then I'm hoping that whichever pervert sees me, we'll go, fuck someone else has already got that one. I'll get the next one. And then one time there was this group of guys near my house and they're all standing around a car. And I was like,

they would outnumber me. And also this road is too long. I was on this very long road. So you can see that either I'm not really being chased or I'm so far ahead that now I'm kind of free game again. So I run up to them and I go, it's coming. And then they all run away in different directions. And I go safely into my house and I've ruined their night, but I've gotten home safe. We'll be right back after this.

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And we are back with more wrong turns. All right, Jordan, we're going to just go head first straight into your story. Yeah. Tell me what happened. Are you okay? So this was a formative, I would say I was 11 years old because I ended up actually coming out very early at like 12, maybe at the end of 12. Wow.

And... Geographically, where are you? We're on Long Island right now. Okay, so that's... Okay. In Louisiana, that was not happening. Yeah, yeah. It definitely wasn't happening. And it really kind of wasn't in my town. But, like, I am just, like, if I'm the kind of person that, like, just... If I have to say something, I have to say it. And how long had you been holding it in? Really not that long. Yeah, like a day, it seems like. I feel like I, like...

I was like, there was like a progression of like this one guy, his MySpace photo had like abs in it. And I was like, oh, I like that. And then like maybe two months later, I was like, OK, like I'm gay. So maybe maybe I was 12 when this happened because it was I started like and I went I went head first. And so I started looking at porn. This was when like videos. How evolved? I'm not trying to age, age you.

But how evolved was the porn scene? Yeah. So there was like this website. I remember it's xnxx.com. And it was like, you know, you still had to wait a long time for it to download. But like it was right after because when

Because when I was like 10, I remember my friends and I would like printed out a picture of boobs. Yeah, I was when I was 10. I'm 39 now. I was watching the previews that would come on at 10 p.m. and then at midnight. Yeah. You know, the 10 minute previews where you just get like 10 minutes of porn. Yeah. And then then that then you get another preview. And I would I would wait religiously for that time. Internet wasn't there yet. So I'm like 11 or 12. I discover and like.

Is it dial-up internet or is it straight to? No, it's after dial-up. It's after dial-up. Because these were real videos I was watching. So I get really into, you know, there's the categories. This is when categories were a huge thing. And I get really into African-American gangbangers. All I wanted. It was like moth to a flame. I was like, that's my thing. That's awesome.

all I would watch. And so I was, you know, having one of my sessions. I love that you said African-American. You're like, I will be. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe some of them weren't American. No, I bet in 2005, that's what they were calling it. This is African-American gang bangs. Yeah, yeah. Which is the number one. Some of them could have been straight up African. I don't know. They weren't talking that much. Number one search in Long Island in 2005 too. Across all genres. Yeah, yeah. You are...

Such a scary and unpredictable person to have on. I know, people tell me all the time, like, you need to have a podcast. I'm like, no, I don't. Like, you don't want me to have a podcast. Every time you come on, we're just on the border of legal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't help it. I can't help it. Okay, sorry. So you are watching glorious porn. Yes. And yeah, so I'm like there. I'm like about to finish. And like, I...

I have my house. Wait, sorry. Are you going for like, it's like, this is a child. So we're going to try not to be too graphic. But how hot were you? Fucking. Yeah. What were you wearing? Yeah. Like how big was it at that point? Had it grown yet? But like, are you vigorously going for it? Or are you just having like a nice chill time? I'm such a chill mouse. I'm never going to be like. Oh,

Slow and steady. Even at 12, what restraining. You're like, I'm going to be doing this for 80 years. I could take my time with this one. I don't need to blow the load right now. The way my house was set up, I was on the second floor and then my neighbor was in an apartment building. I'm doing it and all of a sudden I hear hysterical laughing. I

I turn around and there's a group of five grown men pointing at me and laughing. Well, they're villains because that's illegal. I know. But they weren't, the sad thing, they weren't doing it in a pedophile way. They were doing it in a making fun of me way.

You know what I mean? I wish they were pedophiling me. What are five men doing in an apartment together? If it's not pedophilia. I know, I know. They were just drinking some beers, hanging out, you know? And I like, you're poor. Get your own place. Get a house. And,

And so I like I dropped to the floor, unplug my computer, like bear crawl to my lights, turn off all my lights and then like bear crawl down the stairs. Like I was so mortified and I slept on the couch for like on the downstairs couch for like weeks. Like I could not even be seen. And then by the time I went back to my room, I like rearranged all my furniture. So like to act like someone else lives here.

Yeah. Like we moved. We moved. It's another person. It's another gay boy. But my parents were like, why are you sleeping on the couch? And I was just like, I just like to watch TV when I fall asleep. I don't know. I had to make up all this stuff. Yeah. And I think that was definitely...

Yeah, to be mocked, to be also it was like right before I came out, you know, it was it was like what I didn't want people to see. Also, like, how is that not giving you some sort of wanking injury, you know, emotionally? Yeah, I don't know. I've actually. Is this what that bag over the head shit is all about? I'm very like voyeurist, not voyeurist. What is it called when you like being watched? Right, right, right. That word. Yeah. So that sounds like that's a. But it's like I kind of went the opposite way.

Yeah, like in Rotting in the Sun, I sucked dick on camera. Yeah. Like I'm like, I'm actually fine doing stuff publicly now, which is weird. Maybe, maybe it's LinkedIn in some way. We have those five bullies to thank. Yeah, this is your origin story. It wasn't the wrong turn. They made you a star. True, true. Yeah, no, sucking dick on camera definitely helped my career and didn't hurt me in any way.

I hope those five got together. Did a screening of that movie. Oh, the folks at Warner Brothers love that I did that. Oh, man. Ever been caught wanking, Megan? No. Probably humping a pillow. I've probably been caught humping a pillow. Was that sort of recent or more as a child? It was right at 12. This morning. Because at 12, you're like being left home alone. And then you're like, all I would do is like put on all my mom's makeup and then be like, I'm going to go hump a pillow.

That was like my whole plan. I'm sorry, did you get dressed up for the couch? They were separate. They were totally separate. I just was like, I want to see what... The couch just liked the girl with a lot of makeup. He didn't like the natural look. No, but it's the patriarchy is everywhere. Do you know what I mean? Even in animal objects that we consider male, we're like, oh, I'm too ugly. You want to put on some mascara, girl? I love it.

We're gonna kill you to throw on some blush? The makeup was for me as was the pillow, I'm saying. Yes, yes. I'll unpack it in therapy, but as of right now, I think they're both for me. This time we're coming to you, Megan. What happened? You okay? For a grown woman...

I end up pooping my pants like a lot. Okay, great. I do too. Are you Jewish? No. What is that? Jews just don't have good stomachs. Okay. Yeah. And I guess it's because it's a heavy gluten diet.

We're all inbred. Oh, no. Jordan, shut the fuck up. If you go on 23andMe, it's like most Jews are your cousin. That's just a real thing. And so I'm Irish Catholic. We're also a little inbred. And we had a famine. So I think our stomachs are also like, whoa. What's going on here? We're not used to all this food. Like, they still haven't evolved. More than potatoes? Yeah.

Indians, however, as you know, anyone who goes to India, their stomach has never been better. Totally fine. You guys have stomachs of like steel. You're the Olympics. It's actually it's people who have to travel to India. You have to wear diapers. Yeah. Also, it's like less shame for shitting in public in general. Like if I'm at a house party, I'm going to shit if I need to. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's not good for our stomach. And this is what leads to pooping your pants.

- Okay. - So it like started, obviously I pooped my pants as a baby, wah-wah, poop-poop. And then I remember the first time pooping my pants in public, I was probably like eight. I was at a Indianapolis viewing, or like a stage play of Our Town at a place called Mud Creek Barn. A hilarious place to shit your pants. - It's also actually the perfect name. - That's where you call your ass. - Exactly.

And I was just like waiting in line, waiting, waiting, waiting, and like had to go. It was like a single, you know, it was a single bathroom. I pooped my pants while I was waiting. I went in, I tried to like remedy it, you know, clean it up. And then simply,

went back to my seat. I didn't tell my parents. Did you throw out the underwear? I think I threw out the underwear. The pants were ruined. I put toilet paper in there. I have two older brothers. They obviously were like, Megan smells like shit. We know Megan pooped her pants. My parents were like, she did not poop her pants. You be nice to her. When we got in the car, they were like, Megan, did you poop your pants? My mom just put me in the shower full

fully clothed. Oh, honey. And it's still like, that one set off, unfortunately, like a long line of like, A pipeline. Yeah. I pooped my pants. A poop line. I pooped my pants in high school so badly that the nurse called my mom and was like, you have to come and deal with this. Like,

- I'm making $12 an hour and I know you're a nurse too and this is on you. And it was 'cause my fucking drama teacher made me come in to take a final and it was like, I'm gonna shit my pants. Like I had whatever norovirus was happening in 2003. But when I'm pregnant, there's not like room for the poop. Like the baby takes up so much room. So people talk about like having to go pee a lot.

When you have to go poop, it is coming. Like there is no place for it to go. You're fully dilated at all times. Yes, exactly. And I know there are going to be women that like call in and they're like, I've had four kids and I've never pooped my pants. Well, good for you because I have now pooped my pants just with this pregnancy alone twice. You okay? And I'm not until the end. I think I'm okay. Okay. It's because this is a lot. It's a lot.

I was at South by Southwest and I was forced to go on a four and a half mile hike. And then I had a coffee and then I was like walking back to my hotel and I'm like, I'm going to poop my pants in the middle. I'm sorry. Who made you go on a four and a half mile? Chelsea Handler. Oh.

Chelsea Handler. Say less. Say less. On a book tour going, I support women. Making her pregnant friend hike four and a half miles. And then buying me a coffee. She set me up for failure. Yeah. She does that. And I was actually in this. And this is hard. This is a one piece, you know? And so I walked into just a random Marriott, not even my Marriott, and was like, oh.

like truly like dodging people like i'm at the NFL yeah yeah yeah just elbowing old women out the way yes and like got in my sunglasses this is so crazy to be wearing an all-in-one it takes so long to get everything off and i'm like sweating and it's coming oh is it dire it's gum it's calm like i'm like clenching yeah and then i'm doing like i was i was actually holding my butt hole

Like, I'm at this point where it's like, I'm also in Austin. It's like, you guys have let this place go. I don't care what the fuck I'm doing here. And so I'm holding my butthole and scooting through a lovely Marriott. Luckily, there was like a family restroom and it's like, I'm a family and I need to go in here right now. And only a little bit got on this to the point where I washed this puppy and I'm wearing it in West Hollywood today. I love it. It's the same one. I was wondering what that smell was. Cool, cool, cool.

And so on our white couch, how safe are we today? I did have a tea instead of a coffee. Well, we're going to wrap this up real soon. Tea tends to be better for me. But no, it's like a real... When I text my husband, like, something's happened, he knows it's not like a death in the family. It's you shitting your pants. I have shit my pants. And he loves me. And like,

He eats a gross amount, never poops his pants. Like I am. It's a thing people either do. I do it like once a year, I would say. Really? Yeah. I so appreciate it. But it's always, it's always like, also we live in LA. It's like traffic. You never know the car. It's always the second I park from the moment

car to door to bathroom that's when it happened and I'm like god damn it I made it this far and now like my hallway is now I have to like wipe up my hallway well it's because you're sort of

I don't know. I don't know if this makes sense as an allergy, but you know how like a dog can sense from really far away that you're coming home? Yes. Your asshole can sense from really far away that you're near the toilet. You're in the toilet. It's totally psychosomatic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it doesn't register that you've got to get out the car, lock the car, get in the house, unlock the house. Because all you're thinking about is that you're going to poop soon. Yeah. No, sometimes I've done it like in the bathroom, like as I'm stepping. Oh, yeah. Oh, for sure. And like I'm to the point now where I have like I have like a mantra because.

Because and I'm like, you're OK. You are safe. Yeah. It's OK. We can throw this out, you know, because I have to like let myself off the hook before I even get. Now, Austin was a different story. It was like I have nothing with me. Yeah. If I if I put my pants here, then I just have to go outside and pretend I'm a unhoused pregnant woman in Austin. Yeah. Right. Right.

Right. Yeah, there's that. But like if I'm in my own house, I go, hey, I was only there like five years ago. I was going to take it right to Cybertruck headquarters and just put it up the flagpole and go, here you go. And so are you quite good at handling it when it happens to you? Yeah. I mean, at this point, it's like, yeah, again, it's like it's what are you going to do? I shit my pants. Let's clean it up.

This is your cool hot vibe. This is what I'm talking about. This is what he has. He just walks through this world like he owns it. And I appreciate that. Okay, we're going to be back after a break.

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Let you to just sit here and be vulnerable about you know your assholes or I can tell you that There was a time where I shit not just my pants. I shot all over the road on Santa Monica Boulevard right by Third Street promenade in the middle of the day hold your pants down and pooped on the sidewalk Didn't even need to pull my pants down came out. Yeah, I was wearing I was wearing short pajamas I was having a nervous breakdown

And I hadn't showered in five days. So everyone presumed I actually was unhoused anyway. It was giving very unhoused. You had just heard the twist of The Good Place and you're like, I can't handle this. That's where they're taking the show. Ah!

This was, thank God, before The Good Place, so no one knew to video me and put me on YouTube. I was walking down the street, hit with this like extraordinary pain and then started shitting like no one's ever shit before. Just rivers, rivers and rivers of shit down my leg. And then I had to finally, it wouldn't stop. And I'm like begging people for help and people are running away from me with their children. They're crossing the road. And so then I have to scuttle like a kind of, yeah, exactly. You would have 100%.

abandoned me. I would have thrown something at you. Yeah, thank you. You would have like, like lamp 16 rolls of toilet roll from afar. She's too pretty for me to care about. So I then have to crab walk across to two cars where I sit in between the two cars where I continue to cry, laugh, shit, and then piss. Because after a while you're like, well, fuck it.

If anything, this will clean me up. I then see a rogue lettuce underneath one of the cars for some reason. And I'm like, I could use, because you know, you develop a mania in this situation. And you're like, I'm a genius. I'll use this lettuce, this completely non-absorbent lettuce to clean myself up. That's loose on the street. Yeah, smearing it all over myself. So I was like, okay, I have to just wait.

for sundown which thank god in santa monica comes at like 4 45 in november i'm freezing by the way so i'm freezing i'm in hell i'm covered in the worst stuff you've ever seen and i uh realized that now my new sane decision is to take all of my clothes off which is a felony i think in america you end up on the the sex offenders not when you look like you so i took no

I did not look my best. I did not. I was not. Even you covered in shit is better than everyone I grew up with. Now there's an OnlyFans for that. But thank you very much. Yeah.

um and so i uh i decided to take all my clothes off apart from my bra so i'm just out covered in poop um and i put my room key and my debit card in between my teeth and i run home seven santa monica blocks uh at night in front of people and it's like you're at a hotel um and i'm at a hotel and then i have to run through a very lit up lobby with shitty footprints um

And then I run up like something like, God knows how many flights of stairs, like dozens of flights of stairs. Because obviously I'm not going to wait for it because I'll get arrested. That's a really rational thought. And I took 11. Thank you. My one rational thought. I would have been like, yeah, the elevator's fine. I took 11 showers. And to this day, it's like Lady Macbeth, like out, damn spot, out. I have never felt clean ever again. Right, yeah. So I just want you to know that. And you haven't shit yourself since. I haven't shit myself since. No, I had one minor fart on Tuesday that.

let me down. That doesn't really count. A wet one. Yeah, yeah. I trusted someone that pretended to be a friend and wasn't. So, you know, that is what it is. But generally, no, I've had quite a rigid and safe asshole most of my life. Just add one more tiny, two minute one. No, no, no, sure. We haven't traumatized the listeners enough. When I was in

I was in Mexico and you know when you're in Mexico it's all beds are off but I knew the tummy was happening and like I was late for a breakfast it's like a little beach town I was late for breakfast with my friends and

Like, where are you? Should we order? Should we order? And I, like, I come in. I'm just wearing, like, gym shorts and no underwear. And I, like, come in. They're like, Jordan, I wave. Shit. Just, like, I'm at the door of the restaurant. Just, like, a river. Really wet. Like, almost just water, but brown water. Just because you waved? No, I don't know what happened. They saw my face go from, like, that to, like...

And it was like slow motion. And then it just shit. And like the whole restaurant, like the waiter was like, everyone just was in total shock. Like, it's like, you just see like a happy gay guy come in wave and then, and then job floor poop everywhere.

What happened? Did you open your mouth in the shower? Like, what had happened? Like, it's just like I was already having stomach issues and it just happened. And then, like, I run into the bathroom to fix it. And then, like, it's cleaned up by the time I get out. So, like, they clean it up. And then I go to the table and, like, my friends are just like,

what the fuck? Can you leave? Yeah. I don't even count my shitting my pants in Acapulco. Like, that would be a whole other, that's a whole other episode. But I'm sensing I need a separate podcast just for poo. For shitting, yeah. Yeah. Just wrong poos. Vacation poop is like a whole other, like, oh, I'm a victim. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

um thank you both for these uh extraordinary tales and also i love how one of my favorite things about this podcast is the way it triggers other memories and other traumas we open the portal oh yeah um and and people start to remember other micro and macro humiliations uh before you go i want to share another wrong turn story this one's not about poo um but it is around the same sort of area of

of the arse and I just want to read it to you and see your take. It's going to be a pussy I know it. This one's no. So this is a story from the news recently in Britain. Headline. People sticking random objects up their bum is costing the NHS £350,000 a year in

In a year, 3,500 objects have to be manually extracted from rectums in a hospital in the UK alone. The numbers are rising, with 80% being men and the fastest growing demographic is people over the age of 60, which is quite fun. Of course. Quite fun of them. Lonely, retired. Yeah, it's like, what else are you going to do? We put them by the window and they're doing all sorts of crazy shit there. They want to stick a cucumber up your ass. Yeah, exactly. The objects include a jar of instant coffee,

Those are thick. I know, I know. Pretty big. Slay. A buzzed light year toy, a frozen pig's tail, a pair of garden shears, pencil wedged sideways, two plastic bottles and a shot glass. Oh.

What sort of prepping for a picnic? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A motorized tire pump that inflated for five minutes. Oh, my God. Three cell phones, a plastic triceratops, two ice cream scoops and wait for it. Live eels.

Yeah, people are down and out these days. I was going to say, this is what's going to keep happening if AI keeps taking our jobs because we don't know what to do with our time. That was our identity. And so people have just got too much time on their hands. They don't know what to do. And they're going to keep shoving things up their ass. Yeah. I think it's a national emergency. Too much time, too many live eels around.

Yeah, exactly. You do the math. I know. But you know, that's a big thing, which I think is like, it's a type of animal abuse. Of course! It's the worst one. Michael Vick is like, I would never.

But never. No, I know. Steve Owen is spinning his grave. We don't have universal health care and we're sticking stuff up our butt all the time. So like over there, they're like, do you think they're doing it more often because we have a free health care service? They're like, oh, a trip to the doctor's cost me nothing. Yeah. I'll see if this Buzz Lightyear fits. Yeah. Over here, it's like you're going to have to pay five grand. It's a risk. One thing I do know was happening was goldfishing.

which is where you shove a goldfish up there and the reason that people and this was big in London in like the early 2010s feels very skins it was very skins it was it was very

It was a thing where people were justifying it, coked off their face at parties as like, it's fine because a goldfish only has a three second memory, right? But I was like, but then every three seconds you're going, ah, I'm in an arsehole. Ah, I'm in an arsehole. Like that's surely the worst. That's the worst death. It's just repeated realization of where you are. So, you know.

I've really bummed Megan out. Well, I just keep thinking of the fish that we used to win at school fairs. And they were so, you know, it was like one token, whatever that is. And they did die. But now I'm like, oh my God, even the ones that came home with me and inevitably got flushed down the toilet, that's like such a better life then. Yeah. You were a really good person, Megan. I was a really good mama then.

them yeah i didn't put them in any of my holes i have enough problems with things coming out of my butt i'm not putting right you're putting anything funny in your have i put anything strange in my um just men's strange men's dick yeah yeah lovely well on that note it feels like a good time to ask you what do you both have coming up that you want to promote

Start with you, Megan. Yeah, you can listen to my podcast, Sports Bitches, where, you know what? Athletes are just like us. They poop their pants sometimes, too. Have you seen that video of that woman who's running and she's on camera and she asks so calmly and so politely. She's like, sorry, can you just film me from the back? She's completing like a triathlon or something. She's like, can you not film me from the back because I just shit my pants and then keeps running. It's one of the best.

And then like a lot of like people are like free bleeding during marathons now. It's getting wild out there. So yeah, you can listen to sports bitches and then I don't know, Venmo my baby.

Venmo my baby. That's a podcast. Send Megan some diapers. Lovely. Adult diapers. We got plenty. And where can people find you online? At Better Megan Gailey. There was a Megan Gailey and I needed to send her a message. But you didn't. No, I did. I just took Better Megan Gailey and then she gave up Megan Gailey. She got married like a dumb bitch. No voting for her. And you, Jordan.

I have, yes, I have a comedy music album coming out called Secrets. I love that you've started holding your cock while talking about it. It'll make more people listen, you know. I know sex sells. It really does. I have fielded for the last five years. I've asked people on Instagram to share their deepest, darkest secrets with me. And I've kind of mined those. And every title of the song is based on a real person's secret. Wow. I'm sure I've gotten...

a lot of stuff shoved up the pussy. None of them made it up. I'd say like the closest secret that's on the album. I have a song like a kind of like late 60s Pink Floyd type song called I Can Only Come With a Loaded Gun in My Hand.

And it kind of turned into this like anti-war. Beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. Timely. Yeah. Very timely. Very timely. So, yeah, the title titles are fun. I had I literally posted like last week. Does anyone want to get my the track list of my album tattooed on them for a thousand dollars? Way cheaper than I should have. But I was like, oh, I repost it. Got a lot of responses this Sunday. Someone from Chicago got the entire track list tattooed on both of their ass cheeks. Wow.

So that's going live today. I'm already shadow banned for soliciting sex, I guess. So we'll see if I...

We can see, yeah. Okay, so if you can find Jordan. I think we got, like, on my way here, I got the news that the shadow van might have been lifted. Oh my god, congratulations! And it's like, my whole team is like, the shadow van is lifted! But really, it was just, I wanted to do a thing to promote the album, because my single is called I Wanna See My Friends Dicks. Yeah. And so to do that, I was asking for dick pics, and I was gonna review them. And then apparently, that's soliciting sex. I'm like, can we grow up here? Like...

What are we allowed to do anymore? I know. I know. I know. Freedom's gone. Freedom's gone. Well, you know what? Freedom's coming back with your album. So my shadow ban has been lifted. So check out my album. I'm so, so excited. I think you should go on tour with my boyfriend. Honestly, we should do a remix together. We should do something together. No, there's a couple of tracks. I have like a techno song called I'm Hoarding Come. He would love that. I think he will really fuck with it.

Okay, well, I can't think of a better place to say goodbye than that. You've both been a fucking delight. This was a miserable and hilarious episode. I love you both. Have a wonderful day. Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jamila Jamil and Stuart Bailey. Thank you to our launch producer, Eve Bishop, our editor, Shannon Joy Rogers and consulting producer, Colin Anderson. And don't forget to subscribe, like and review wherever you get your podcasts.

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