Having a Rummage (Ft. Rosco Mclelland)
01:02:17 Share

Ross Gould

Have you been since 9-11? You done well there? You got savaged by me dog when you come in? I love that dog. She is an absolute beauty. She's like a long lost friend, isn't she? Yeah. She's like, where have you been? If you were here, maybe it's what, like three months ago or something? Yeah, and she's like, oh, you've came back? But then I guess, you know, I've got other dogs' smells on me, so it's sort of like, it is like greeting a stranger. I've heard that a few times off people about the other dog's smell and stuff, right? But she runs past other people's dogs to meet the person.

If she says hello to a dog, it's like a means to an end. She's not that stoked about her dog. She just wants to get to the person behind the dog. Well, I guess the people behind the dog are the ones with the little treats and stuff like that. So...

Aye. She knows where her bread is being buttered. They're shallow as fuck, aren't they? Yeah. They're so obvious. Although when I go back to my mum and dad's house and they've got like five staffies, and then when I go back to my house, my dog and my mother and father-in-law's dog there, Betty,

Like they will give me like a sniff down, I call it a sniffular pat down. Aye, like a head to toe search. Oh yeah, they're like, what the fuck have these cunts been saying? Just sniffing. Oh, what the fuck is, oh yeah, yeah, okay, cool. Aye, but because the communication in it, like that's how they learn, they learn shit about each other. It's the fucking, I did bits on it about how like when they were up every time they were pissing, it was like ASL.

No number, who does? Like every time they leave a post it's like a fucking MSNI. Do you know... It's their Facebook updates and that. Update their status. There's a story that my wife's dad told her when she was young and she told me and it was about why dogs sniff other dogs' arseholes and he told her when she was a young girl that it was because all the dogs were at a house party

They were all at a house party. I have to bash her, actually. When all the dogs were at a house party and then there was a fire. Well, the dogs had to hang their arseholes up on hooks on the way in. And then there was a house fire and all the dogs had to run out and grab an arse. So the dogs are sniffing each other's arseholes to check and see if it's their arsehole or not because they all get mixed up. So they can get them back. That's the fable. Yeah.

the thing behind sniffing arseholes but then you see like a Doberman you're like well that's clearly not got a schnitzel's arsehole do you know what I mean that's a Doberman's arsehole so I think he's tall are the arseholes in the dogs like relative size like you know if you took a Doberman's arsehole and you took a schnitzel's arsehole like you know if you went on You Bet with Matthew Kelly

Right. And they had the arseholes of different sized dogs. Yeah. Do you reckon there'd be some surprises in there where that one's like a fucking, like a St. Bernard's arsehole but it was tiny. You guessed it was a Chihuahua's. Fuck off. St. Bernard's have got tiny little arseholes like that. Do you think it's proportional or do you think you would absolutely smash you bet? I,

think you know I think mostly proportional but I reckon there would be some surprises you'd be like I couldn't believe that I couldn't believe there's so many things that I'm still even at the age of 36 I'm still finding out about the world and I go I never knew that I was in Australia there for five weeks I saw a pigeon having a drink

Oh fuck that you didn't drink I didn't know I saw it having a drink and I was like I didn't know you's done that What just out of a puddle? Just out It was a wee fountain It was just going like Had a tongue? Yeah had a tongue yeah Fuck off did it? That's the best bit yeah Fidgeting didn't have tongues They do Beak opened Tongue came out I was like holy shit I saw it side on and I I was like looking around in this big square going is nobody else freaking out?

I'm freaking out here, man. How's that not a delicacy, pigeon tongue? Well, I've got a new bit about it where I think instead of using vibrators and batteries, a more economical or ecological way of people getting lickouts would be to de-beak a thirsty pigeon. Oh, nice. Use it for...

You don't want to be getting in the way of the whole day. Well, that's what you do. You take the beak off. You know what I mean? You have to de-beak it, which is sad. If you want to use the film, you use it for clamps for your nips. But then again, like you say lasses were really long fingernails. There's a workaround. Like, you know, like if my, I'm sorry, Natalie, right. But if my fingernails are even remotely like need and cutting, uh,

I'm hazard to go and do there. I'd be like Freddy Krueger, mate. I'd make a mess. Yeah, you do. I would absolutely. It would be fucking head-wrapers at hand if I went doing with fucking like quite of a mill of fingernail. You ever see like a... But that's just the most narrow way around with long fingernails. They kind of... I guess so, yeah. They kind of just go and like...

sell a bit to themselves yeah just for a little bit of glamour well i get they they know they know what they're feeling so they can you know maneuver around do you know but we're just in there like just try to get a fucking just i don't know like like trying to get a grip on a on like you know when you're the rock clay when you're going up the hard route when you're bouldering and there's like little nubbins just trying to grab onto uh something just with a finger strength

someone's dropped a watch in a fucking mud pile and you're like, ah, just fucking whatever, man. Just panning for gold without any equipment. Yeah. Just having a rummage. I refer to it as having a rubbish once and it gave Natalie the ickie.

She ex-easy with words, Natalie. Yeah. And she's with the wrong person for that. Having a rummage. Yeah, no, I can see why that would, I can see why she would be like, no, not that one. Dumb carlet having a rummage. Yeah. This isn't a car boot sale show. Looking for a bargain. Have you ever seen that Buzzcocks, the Geordie lad, the chav?

He does like seven minute monologues to the camera, but it was like viral videos before viral videos were even a thing. You know, around about the time of Ouch Charlie. Oh, yeah. Charlie bit my finger, yeah. Facebook wasn't even a thing yet. So like YouTube videos were getting emailed to people.

So it's getting all its hits off email chains and shit, right? So there's this lad, I believe he was a teacher, and he called himself Buzzcocks, and it was essentially everything that Lee Nelson wanted to be. You know, the child character act. It was so, and he'd go on seven-minute rants and telling fucking tall stories and all that, and he referred to Finkerman as getting his kit by glove on, putting on his kit by glove.

These people were before their time. I know. Carl Chagin's smashing a pasty. He just kept slipping stuff like that into these big runs. I miss the unpredictability of the internet there used to be. Because, well, see, when people try and, like, you know, troll me now, or if I post up a reel and they're saying, like, comments on it, I'm like, you don't fucking know. I'm...

I'm like Bane in the movie from the Batman film. You think the internet's your ally? Yeah.

I was fucking born on the internet, man. I didn't see, eh, I didn't see fibre optic until I was already a man. I am. You had to wait for your porn pictures to load. Yeah. You're waiting for the images from the fucking bottom up to load. Do you know how I got on the internet? I had to listen to a phone scream at me, a 56k mode of him going, bleh, bleh, bleh.

I had to listen to that to get on so you could get on Rob Celebs Pornhub hadn't been invented yet RIP Rob by the way and then I would fucking download a Green Day video that would take me five days and then it was a man being fucked to death by a horse instead put a virus on your parents computer yeah I was mouldied in the fires of the early internet if you think your wee comments can bother me you think you can slag me off on FIFA man I played Choo Choo Rocker on the Dreamcast I

I was one of the first people to block the pool in Harbour Hotel, so come at me, bro. I blended a frog, you daft cunt, man. Can I blend a frog? If you can come after me. Fucking hell. I'm an old bastard, dude. My life changed since you last did this podcast, because I reply to trolls now.

I used to be, I'll miss that fucking sunshine and kindness. Am I only going to reply to the people being nice? Yeah. Why should the trolls get my attention? Oh, I've had a belt that time. Yeah. I had a fucking lovely time lighting them up. No, you're going straight after them. I love it, man. You know what I like? Like sometimes, because like the replies are always fucking mental. If you respond to them, their replies, and you didn't want to get sucked out into a dialogue. You just want to slam their original comment. Yeah.

I occasionally just fucking delete the long replies at the end and just leave it as a slap. I was like, if people are watching through this, they're just seeing his comment and then him getting slapped. Yeah. And then Al the likes on that comment. And I'd say in his little fucking panic attack at the end of it, usually him and Al have

I fucking rarely, rarely fucking have heat off lasses on the internet. Yeah. It's always blokes. Yeah. It is always guys. And they always look like there's like the, the cross, but like the, the evolutionary part between humans and hammerhead sharks, man, they always look really wide, far apart. Navi. Navi looking. Yeah.

fucking weird those men but long may they keep boosting the algorithms of people it's mad like I was have you ever done something where you actually deserve the troll in a little bit but you just don't know how to respond to it so you just like just hope it goes away example probably example that cued the question was

I talked about a Geordie sentence on some laugh podcasts where Mark Jennings and Stu McPherson, Stephen wasn't there, but with the other two lads. And I talked about the most Geordie sentence I'd ever heard, right? Which was, where none of the words are words. And I unpacked the whole thing, give me the bouncy ball, it's going in the furnace. Now, Geordies don't say geese, they say giz.

It's such a small, tiny distinction. I'm not from Newcastle. And when I said it was the most Geordie sentence, it was Northumbrian. It was a pit yak. It was pitmatic. It was the Ashton people. The amount of people that were Geordie's gang. I'm a Geordie. I've never said Geese in my life.

I was like, oh man, like fucking soz. But to the broader audience, it still worked as a bit, but to hardcore anyone I live by the River Tyne Geordies, they're like, fucking what's this shite? What's this slander? What's this slander? That's not one of our words. Do you know what? I'm saying it right here.

Do you know what? On behalf of me and Kai Newcastle, you can fuck off. Yeah, just like fucking Ashton Light. You're like a fucking Watterdune version of us. You say you're going to Ashton, blive, that's where I'm actually from, Newcastle. It doesn't go in any further. You'll find out what you end up with if you keep Watterdune. But where are the true jories up in the pits?

In the mountains. That's where it's at. The homemade mountains where we dug the earth up and put the mounds there ourselves. We've got bare hands. I actually really...

I really enjoyed Newcastle when I was down there. I had to exist in the city. I've done one of those things where I agreed to open for Mike Rice on a Sunday after doing a Newcastle weekend. I met him for the first time a couple of weeks ago. He's great. It's so strange when you're just talking to a young man, but then occasionally he'll pull out a thing that's like a 70-year-old farmer would say, and you're like, uh-huh. I was talking to him. It was in the Newcastle stand, and

and he was like should I wear this shirt or this new shirt and I was like well I think you should wear like you've done a few of these things and if you're going to record it you should wear whatever shirt you feel most comfortable in doing it and he was like

you know what but also think of the sweat patches yeah yeah that too yeah you don't want them but he's like you know what Roscoe there's no flies on you and if they were they'd be paying rent gave me a tap on the shoulder and I was like where did that come from what I love shit like that because that's that's somebody who like hung around with the elders for a bit listened to the elders like me mate Rick gets his eye waves coming up with stuff like that just like hell's teeth like you whack it into the body you'll be like if the devil cast its net yeah

I'll have like old timey them old timey just turns the phrase away I love that I might throw a few of them out tonight I'm going to have your old school night out tonight like a bowling club someone's like dad's birthday it's a surprise going to be there the drinks are going to be like I don't know fucking two pence a drink or something like that I cannot wait and I might just start throwing out some old ones the night you fly with the cross you get shot with the cross you know stuff like that

Oh, dig deep, there's got to be more. It's hard off the top of your head, though, isn't it? It is, yeah. Devil cast its net, it's the only one that come to me. Devil cast its net, yeah. It's the devil cast its net. Because that's like the much better version of look what the cat dragged in. Yeah. Look what the cat dragged in is all timey, but I don't know how that stood the test of time. That was never good. Yeah.

I know. What, a mouse? Yeah, he called it a mouse. He was a fucking square goalie. He just called me a dead mouse.

I'm really excited I would love it to not have been done up in the past 30 years as well yeah so indoor bowls well there'll be no bowls about it this is just a bowling club but we're not talking sorry when I say indoor bowls they differentiate out both of the things I'm talking about indoors I mean ten pin bowling

as ten pin bowling but like lawn bowls which is also outside so they call it indoor balls like the carpet balls the indoor lawn bowls and the building the function of a building where they usually would play lawn bowls except no bowling will be happening and I'll be getting fucking smashed at my bouts yeah

For cheap While some DJ plays songs Nice Are the carpeted over Are the lawn bowls Are you playing on the green? I really hope so man Let's just We did a punch drunk gig On the green once Because Concordia Leisure Centre Where I used to work As a lifeguard Leisure attendant Glorified cleaner We had a big bowl screen there I actually fucking Did CPR on somebody That had a heart attack Oh I used the defib and that We got him back to life aye Oh that's great Aye we got him back to life He had seven more years

It got us fucking right out of trouble in Arles because I was about to get disciplined for lateness. And then I fucking saved a guy's life. And my hearing for my disciplinary was the next morning. And they just fucking like, let's postpone it. I was always getting fucking like, I was talking to Woody, the Australian comedian.

Do I? I don't know. You've probably gigged with him out in Sydney or whatever a couple of times or Melbourne. I've actually been to Sydney and Melbourne. I was telling him about like fucking it's getting disciplined and getting out of it because I was starting stand-up and the fucking guy couldn't like he realised I'd like lost interest so that was fucking two disciplinaries like in a short period of time I got out of by fucking. And then you saved our life and they were like listen we've got to keep this guy you know we

we would have had to cart a dead person out of here it's bad optics that bad optics I remember that so vividly as well because when we were doing CPR on the guy his mate put his hand on my shoulder while I was fucking like setting up the fucking defib because my mate was doing the compressions

And I was like, manscaping him to put the fucking, you know, when you have to shave the chest. I give up on that pretty quick. Like, I've done a couple of fucking shaves and I was like, this is killing time. This like, just fucking get them on. And while I was doing all that nonsense, fucking, he's made, come on, put his hand on his shoulder and went, he's only doing this because he's losing. Yeah.

Call them on it? See when you shave the chest, is it like here and here? It's chest there and then ribs there. Oh. So you do your cross. Oh, right. I think the whole point is like, because your heart's there, isn't it? Yeah. I think the point is that it goes across. It's been a long time since I've been trained. Yeah. And red tape meant that I had to keep changing. Oh, I keep putting it on the table, don't I? Oh. It's a very professional outfit, this. Yeah.

I was a lifeguard for nine years and every couple of years they'd change how many compressions to breaths you do. They keep changing the song, don't they? They keep changing the rhythm of the song. It was Nelly the Elephant in my day. Oh, right. Aye, Nelly the Elephant went to town. But was it... So the last thing they heard was Trump. Trump.

I mean, that's going to be an experience for a lot of people in America right now. LGBTQ people. Go on, Parsons, you got this. There's a different, there's nearly the elephant, the kids version, and then there's the kind of more, what do they call it, the fucking...

I can't remember their name, but there's another punk version. What's the... Of Nellie the Elephant. There's a punk version of Nellie the Elephant? Yeah. I can't remember who fucking sings it. The Dolls or something like that. But it's good. Do you know how it goes? It's exactly the same, but just with some drums and some guitar, really. So, like...

Right, so nearly the elephant went to town and said goodbye to the circus, but they do like a, ooh, ah! That's not punk, is it? That's heavy metal. That's pretty heavy, yeah. There's like a weird bit where it's sort of like the verses, he's doing like, night by night, da-da-da-da-da-da. And then they go, ooh.

It's actually really good, yeah. But you can't do CPR to that because it's too much of a gear change, isn't it? Too much of a pace change. And you can't just go out... That's going to be a breath. You'd be sucking the breath out of them. No, you wouldn't. I never thought I'd put a bit of vocals on giving a breath during CPR. There'd be no harm in it. Because you know the difference between going...

and screaming into them you could scream into them and it would do the same job you'd have to do CPR nip the nose do it back it's still yeah it may shock them awake imagine someone screaming into your lungs you ever done a thing how is that how can I save you they should make that change I'm going to petition for it this is strange you ever sucked the air out of someone via their mouth

it was fucking great like consensually yeah consensually see see next time you go in for like an open mouth kiss with someone right and they're just just fucking just shook in because they go and it's so it's so good it's great honestly give it a try

My wife's getting the air sucked right out of her when I get home. I may try that one, Natalie. Sometimes I'll go to peck her on the cheek, but put weight or which force into it. She's named it now because I do that often. It's the emu kiss. I just come in again, hiya, and just put this hostile peck on the cheek. She'll be proper startled. What the fuck was that? It's terrifying to notice. I may follow that up next time and go, the emu kiss. Give her a kiss.

suck the lungs out of them and then just whack off treat them mean it's a great it's a great move you know keep everybody on their toes everyone you meet suck the air out of them and that's I'm actually if you read Brandon Sanderson but I'm reading Warbringer at the minute that's pretty much the concept of the book sucking the air out of people sucking the breath out of people aye

But the briffs are like their magic powers. Like if you were playing it as a computer game, that would be like your bar of magic would be a briff. Oh, right. And like you're taking their briff, so you're taking their power. I've not read a book for so long. Every Brandon Sanderson book I read, I feel like he's just pitching a computer game. That would be class.

Yeah, it always comes up with really good magic systems where you're like, oh, I'm enjoying reading this, but chuck the control pad in my hand and let us use it. I like what they're doing with Doom for this. There's a new Doom coming out and they went...

Basically, the last Doom fucking, it was great. I've never really played a Doom game before. The last one, it was just like, these guys get big fucking guns and there's stuff that's running at them and he shoots it and it fucking explodes. I'm like, that's exactly what I want for a game called Doom. And then they're like, how do we top that? And I'm like, what if we just put dragons and shit in it? It's Doom, but there's dragons and knights. They're like, yeah, perfect. I want the same thing in a different fucking place. Good.

Good. So, we're getting a new Doom game? Yeah. What was the last one like? Because I played the first couple. I played the PC, like, early PC, the fucking, what we were talking about before with the dial-up. But I didn't play it online. Yeah. I've never played any of the other ones, but the last one was, it was great, but the music in it was fucking, you know how you're like,

This is perfect It was just Great It was I cannot explain how good it is It made me go Yeah All these things deserve to be killed Because this music is hyping me up Great So much And that's probably on That's probably on PS Plus as well isn't it So I can just go and play that for now When you leave Yeah It's meant to be Yeah It seems like a PS Plus game that I feel like it will be At this point It's been out for a while now It's been out for a while Yeah you'll get that So what yeah We're talking like PS3

Oh, no, probably like maybe like four years ago, five years ago, something like that. Oh, nice. Okay, there we go. I'm back into Baldur's Gate at the minute. I've actually been speaking to these about it fairly recently, but I'm like, do you play Baldur's Gate? I haven't played it, no. No, it's, I think, the best game that's ever been made by absolutely miles. Interestingly, I play in this, like, cowboy server where everybody...

assumes a character and goes in and I just I'm in there fucking have a laugh take the piss and the person who narrates the brain worm in Baldur's Gate is in that server oh really and every time I'm around her and she's speaking I'm like god she's got a beautiful captivating voice that just it's a disarming voice it's it's terrifying because she could be like go and chop your own cock and balls off and I'm like

alright wait what why did I why did I agree to that you failed the saving throw yeah so why did I agree to this I ended up you know what I feel really sad about it because Danny was fucking angry at us afterwards because like I was chatting the last time we did an LA show on his tour which was around about this time last year and

I was chatting to somebody for ages that I'd clearly met before, but I couldn't place where I knew them from. And you know when you're doing that, you're just like, right, as long as I don't have to use their name, we can style this out and we can have a nice nourishing conversation without us having to place them. And then he was like, you've totally forgot who that was, haven't you? Barack Obama? It was Obama. Barack Obama. Barack Obama. I can't believe it. First guess, you got it. I was actually in the White House now. He's like, Arthur, it's great. I can't do it. It's not like I shouldn't have placed him.

Because like, you know, sometimes when I was a lifeguard and somebody came in that was like the ice cream van driver guy came in. I'm not used to seeing him in his swimming trunks. So if I can't place him into the character, but like if I see the ice cream van in the fucking van where he sells ice cream for him, I fucking recognize him immediately. Right. That should have been what happened with Obama.

Who actually was it? It was the voice from Ellie in the game of both games of Last of Us. I've never, I've not played them either. And then he was like, I can't believe you can't remember who she was. You jumped in a swimming pool with your clothes on or we had to stop you jumping in a swimming pool with your clothes on or something like that. I had like a mad night where I woke up on the couch in a house.

And there was an event where I was about to dive in a swim pool with my clothes on and he had to remind us about that. I had spent a whole night at a gaff in 2019 or something and I just couldn't place it. I was like, what a bastard. Well, listen, if you're diving in a swim pool with your clothes on level, you can't expect people to remember. Nah, but I'm usually quite good at remembering that.

You know, like, I don't get black. I'm not like Jamie Hutchison where, like, he just loses entire evenings, right? Like, but then again, that's usually with the aid of coke. Yeah. That really helps you from becoming belligerent drunk dad. Yeah. I haven't lost an evening and I went, well, actually, no, New Year's Eve, I got pretty fucked.

Do you know if you're just booze and you get just booze drunk? Like, I always call it old man drunk because I always think of the guy, Nick Nolte from Warrior. Have you seen the film Warrior? Yeah.

They're like UFC one where the two brothers end up fighting each other and the dad's like he's the coach but like the son's like the son isn't accepting him as his dad because he's like fucking you were a cunt when you were drunk and he's like but I've stopped drinking now but then he files off the wagon and gets just belligerent old man drunk and he's crying on the bed and all that. That's where I was like that's where like assistant substances comes in handy so you don't end up like that.

Have you seen the other UFC film where King of Queens becomes a UFC fighter? Who? Paul Blart Mall Cop? Yeah, Paul Blart Mall Cop, King of Queens. Kevin James, is that what he's called? He becomes a UFC fighter to save a school music program or something. Oh, I know, he's like, they couldn't get Jack Black, I don't know. That's basically it, yeah, they're like,

Like, ah, Jack Black said, can you give Kevin James a ring? Essentially every film he's ever had. It's an insane film where, of course, Kevin James gets everything in the end. And you're like, oh my God. He was about, he used to be, here's the synopsis. He used to be a great teacher and he cared, but then the system broke him down. Mm-hmm.

And then he met a music teacher who still cared, but the system was, you know, they'd failed this music teacher and they were trying to get rid of him. He also met like a really hot teacher who he wanted to fuck. And then he realised that he used to be a wrestler in school and he could make money

doing local wrestling fights and then all of a sudden he starts winning and he gets he meets some crazy guy in an English class who's like I'm from the Balkan stage but I can fight and then he I mean he teaches him striking because he kind of got into the octagon with just wrestling it's probably the best core

skill to have is a little bit of wrestling bass but you need to be able to do some striking as well so that's where the Vulcan guy comes in he's like I can teach you how to fucking kick a man's head and then that's what happens I'll keep going and then and then do you know who the music teacher is it's none other than Henry Winkler oh

Oh, yeah. The Fonz. He's just made a recent surge of appearances and things, hasn't he? Because I felt like I hadn't seen him for ages and then he popped up in Barry and then he's been in a few things since then. Listen, he's going strong. Do you know what I mean? The Fonz. Have you ever...

Because, you know, I've always heard the term jump the shark. Is that from... Yeah, it's from Happy Days. Is that from Happy Days? They jumped a shark on a jet ski or something like that. So how did that... Because I haven't seen the episode, but I've known the term of phrase for so long that it's just one of them things that I've never dug into. I've always just known of the term. But how does he jump the shark? What's the logistics of it? I think there's possibly someone... Maybe on water skis?

and there's a I guess there's a shark and a pen in the sea and they have like a ramp going over it and he gets pulled along and then hits the skis and jumps the shark and I guess everyone was like fuck this whatever's happened here there must be a name for this because it's happened yeah

In fact, we'll just name it right here and now. He jumped the shark there. And you know what I mean? Not the physical act of jumping the shark. He actually fucking jumped the shark. There's a great show from New Zealand called Back of the Y. Back of the Y. It's so good, man. And there's like a stuntman. I can't remember what his name is, but he...

It's such a low budget cult show. It's great. I think you'd love it. And he tries to jump a monkey that's on fire in a cage. It's not a real monkey. It's just a guy in a monkey suit. And then the monkey breaks out and kicks fuck out the guy who's jumping on a wee bike and all that.

It's a great show, man. Huge recommend. One of my favourite TV shows of all time, back in the way. It's a comedy. Yeah. Clearly. Yeah. Oh, mate, I got a film recommended to us by Elliot Steele. And he was like, oh, you haven't seen it? It was one of them where he mentioned it and then went, you fucking haven't seen it. Go watch it. Don't ask any questions. Just go watch it. And I went and watched this film, right? It's called Old Boy.

Oh, yeah. Japanese guy in a room sort of thing. He's locked in a room for 15 years. Yeah. And the fucking... I mean, you kind of do get the spoiler alert. I might have to change the saturation on that camera. Do I look like someone off Cocoon? Now, the film Cocoon, where they're like... Oh, maybe that is quite bright. I think that may be some type of...

Has it been like that the whole time? That's ethereal, that. I don't think it's too bad, I think they... Do you reckon it's just because I'm wearing a white sweater? There's people listening to this that are just like, can I get on with the story about old boy? But like, I just looked at the camera and it looks, honestly, right, the image looks like Roscoe's talking to Caspar, the friendly ghost. He's just having a little interview with a ghost. Well, I think it's beautiful. Have you ever seen Teen Angel? No.

Teen Angel I haven't seen Teen Angel Oh it's good man It's a good show I'm just like I'm your Teen Angel I'm just a lauter And run away Just like Keep me in With the turns of phrase I'll give you the synopsis It was We're gonna put a Put a We're gonna put a Bookmark on Old Boy We will get back to you Yeah so Teen Angel It was about A boy who went Into his friend's room And he was about A cheeky chappy And then he found A burger Under his bed And he ate it And instantly died Because of it

but then he came back as an angel to sort of guide his friend through you know the bereavement process really I didn't want any advice from someone that has a fucking carpet burger from under the bed yeah exactly I'd be like you're not going to hell to get there you fill the fucking actions you little tramp with a fucking the worst part was if anything he made his life worse because now not only was he um

Marlon his best friend's death he now had this like secret to keep where he was like talking to nobody really because nobody else could see him so you're just making your mate look insane now instead of let him get on with it instead of him going through his grief you're like deepening his grief by making him look absolutely fucking bananas I would always watch them like there was just a spate of them it started with WYSIWYG I think

what you say is what you get where there was like a little floating head that looked a bit like at yeah and like if you just wished for something ambiently it would come up so you'd have to like watch what you're saying because you're gonna get the wish yeah even if you're like i wish i'd shut the up and then all of a sudden your friends mute it was a children's show so didn't quite happen that crass um then there was bernard's watch where he could stop time yeah and he was the rank person to get that you know what he kept doing going in the shop right instead of shoplifting putting the money in the till

You'd use it just to save time rather than to get free stuff. That's so fucked up, man. Dick move that. If you had a little floating companion, what? Queen's Nose was the next one. Oh. Rub the Queen's Nose and then make a wish. But what would your floating companion be if you had to have one? Like what sort of kind of...

We're talking. So if I could choose my own, if I could like, you know, you start a new computer game, right? You're going to have yourself a little floating companion WYSIWYG, right? And you've got to go through the features of what it would look like.

Oh, what about, you know, have you seen them dummies that are like punch bag dummies where it's like a fucking, and it's like this kind of flat top, like fucking synthetic rubber guy with like a mean mugging face? Right, yeah. I think like just that guy, that guy, if he there, just so every now and again I could just whack him on, just fucking ping him on. I'd get like, like a flesh ball, little,

Little arms, little legs, mouth, eyes, constantly screaming in pain. I think you've just described whizzing away. For like a bit, it would be funny. But then after a while, you'd be like, why have I done this? Make it stop. Make it go away. And you could with a wish. Yeah. I wish you'd scream louder. I wish you were in more pain.

What about old boy? What were you? Oh yeah, so old boy. So I'm fucking watching this film, right? It's a bit weird, right? And there was a point where it nearly lost us because there was a fight scene in a corridor where it was this one guy who trained himself how to fight in a room for 15 years and it was like a fucking puppet show. You know when you're like, it's from sooner than on back.

They know how to do fucking fight scenes now. What are you giving us a shit fight scene for? Yeah. When I say they, you know what I mean. Well, it's just, I think, is there an older version of it? It's 2003, old boy. Is there an older version in that? I don't think so. I think there's a newer version. A newer than 2003? I think so. Right, yeah. I knew there was like an older version in it. I'm going to just look down the camera and say I'm not sure. It's okay to say I don't know. Yeah.

So the whole point of them being in this room, and like I say, you kind of spoil something from 2003. So if you're going to watch Oldboy, you might as well pause the podcast now and go and watch it then. Right. They kept him in that room. The people that kidnapped him kept him in that room so that his daughter could grow old enough to fuck. And then they could hypnotize him and his daughter to fuck. That's so cool. That's like revenge for something that he didn't know he'd done. That's so cool. That's like a long play troll for like...

It was basically like he'd broke up an incest between a brother and a sister and like spread the rumour that ended up with her suicide. Right. It's not a rumour if it happens. Gossip, innit? Do you know what the weird thing is? I've watched this and I've never picked up on that was what the plot was. You fucking absolutely suppressed the memory of the fact that you watched somebody get locked in a room so that he could go and fucking fall in love with his own daughter. Yeah.

I guess I just, I missed a lot of subplot there. I was like, this guy's raging about being caught in that room. You didn't have yourself a fucking Channel 5 wank over the sex scene, did you? You know, when you, I've talked about this on stage as well, so I'll not go into it, when you couldn't pause TV and you had to fucking sniper it. The window of opportunity would happen and you're like, great, there's no rewinding, it doesn't exist yet, it hasn't even been conceptualised, rewinding this thing, so you've got to have your wank now and you can be like, oh, there might be a better sex scene later. Yeah.

I can see that woman standing at the window. She's got a side tit on for you. Time to go. Time to go, boys. Straight out. Let's get into it. And I saw that means, like, if it's 2003, when were we away on TV from? Probably then. But I bet you people have, like, knocked one out before the reveal. Watch an old boy. Probably, yeah. Would you have sex with your daughter if you were hypnotised to do it? I mean, I've only got a dog. Yeah.

I don't need a little dog. Do you think hypnotism is real? You know what? I think if you're susceptible to it, you're an idiot. Yeah. I think you've got to be susceptible to it for it to work. So does the me affect in not believing? I think if you believe in it, the answer is yes. And if you don't believe in it, the answer is yes. What scares me sometimes is seeing...

Well, you know, like Colin Cloud, who's a mentalist, when he does stuff and I'm like... Because usually you see other magician stuff working or things like that and you're like, but they could know them. But then you know him and he'd done a thing...

when my wife was in the audience where he like guessed a pin number from the other side of the room and she was like what the fuck and I'm like I know he didn't I know this is not a plant he's just done that how is he doing that so if he can do that what can what can the government do right they they must have like

turbo calling clouds working for them fucking using their minds the Carl Kim trails Ross you've not heard oh right fucking calling clouds of the sky man I kind of believe people like people are like why the fuck would they use like a duster a crop duster system when like there are like we drink beers

Yeah. We're choosing our own poison. We're literally going out in the shop and fucking paying heavy tax duty on fucking poison to poison ourselves. Why the fuck would they waste their time? Crop dust in the sky. Yeah. When we're just going to fucking mindfully going in and buy poison anyway, you might as well just stick it in that. We could just put it in the water. That'd be really easy. Putting fluoride in the toothpaste, you know that? Oh my God, no.

I've had two strange new toothpastes in my house last time. Are you a brand lad? What are your toothpastes like? Well, I just assumed white toothpaste, but my wife bought really purple stuff last time. But it's called whitening, but it's black.

Yeah, I'm like, well, this is a lie. And then once that was done, there's like really blue stuff that's entered the house. And I'm like, where's all this crazy colour of toothpaste coming from? Do you know what I mean? It's wild. The sink looks like it's been fucked by a painter. You've got to be able to take a really nice heart attack with it once you get the full fucking range of colours. Do you know, I'd love to do that. Although, remember when Neil Buchanan made a tarantula out of hair?

I always thought, I bet that's disgusting. All that cut off hair for people. It's about much. Was he like, you know, I've,

You must have had a mask on when he was doing that. Did he have like a... You'd think so. As if he was doing a bit of spray painting or something. Yeah, because you don't want to get hairs in your mouth. I hate getting a hair in my mouth. That's a... Like, I'd say hairdressers will offer you a coffee. But I am thinking these two things don't go together. Although... I'd better drink that fast before you start snipping. Otherwise, that's going straight in there. I would like to just add in, I don't mind getting a hair in my mouth if I'm eating...

Hot pussy. Oh, aye. Yeah. Then it's fine. Bearable. Bearable, aye. And even then, like, I come up to tut. I'll come up to tut because you've got a hair in your mouth. God's sake. Can I keep them in? Christ. That is great, man. Can I get the stuff? Aye, aye. What?

I went back Neil Buchanan Neil Buchanan was making a trench layer hair oh yeah he jumped the shark do you know I got a I got a donut from Lado a few months back bragging man yeah it was one of the ones where it's like kind of half dipped in chocolate and it's got chocolate inside it oh nice really good but it had a really long hair in it

And I was like, oh. And not only that, it got wrapped around my tooth. And I was like, this is the worst. And now I can't have them anymore. Can you not? It just, now I look at it and I go, what if there's a big fucking weird hair in there again? I reckon if I had a donut and there was just as strange as hair in it, I reckon I've got the constitution to just take the hair out and then carry on eating it. It just fucked me up, man. Like, I'm not asked about, if there's a pissy toilet seat.

Yeah. I'll wipe the piss off, but I'll sit there, I'll just sit dude on it. Yeah. I'm just like, ah, it's going to, what's going to happen? Well, I mean, I get like, I'll have a wash later before anyone like licks the back of my legs or whatever. Like I didn't want to end up in a situation where someone's licking the back of my legs after I've done that. Okay. I'm going to have to stop with their love. I sat dude on a pissy public toilet seat earlier.

But I just find it's a lot more easier for me, Dave. I'm just a lot less bothered about stuff like that. Yeah. But it was because the hair wrapped around my tooth. Oh, yeah. It wasn't as simple as like... You couldn't pull it out of your donut. This is a thing now. Did you gag? A wee bit. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It was... So you were just like, oh, eh...

Imagine, like, you're wrenched on it and you pull your tooth out and then you've just got, like, a tooth on a bit of hair and then all of a sudden, like, a passing school kid comes by and he's got a conker and he wants to play for it. I think that'd be great. Just there we are, like, hair to hair, donut, hair tooth. Well, that's... Fucking, you're never going to beat this. It's a tooth. All of a sudden, that's turning a negative into a positive and now, do you know what? And that's the optimism that we need around people. And then, obviously, you beat them because that's one of your teeth and that's a conker, right? I reckon fucking tooth beats conker every time. And then all of a sudden, like, you're fucking, like...

people hear about you. People like, you start getting run down the schools in the local area and like, kids knocking on your door and they're like, it's not even Halloween. You're like, yeah, I'm ready for a gig with Conkers and you've just got like a seven million's hour gig.

Did you used to clock your numbers on conkers? No. No, I never used to put numbers up, no. So, right, if you beat that kid playing conkers with a tooth, right, and he's already beat six people with that conker, right, and them six people are already... The numbers, like, stack...

So if he's beat six people, he hasn't just got a sixer, he's got like a two or five, whatever their numbers are. Yeah. And then he takes all his numbers. So you beat him and you've got like whatever 47s are. That's fucking insane. That's a crazy way to do it, but I like it. Oh, yeah. Also, you keep your kills. Yeah. Stack them. Do you know there's a wee boy who once a year will come round...

my door and he sells painted rocks and they suck but every year I'm buying a damn rock em his deal is and he says it how's Nelson doing anyway he's going hello would you like to buy a painted rock em it's a

He sells them as a one for one pound or two for two pounds. And I'm like, well, you can't argue with that. That's a deal. That's good. That's a deal. I'll have four. I'll have four then. I've bought two. I've bought one each year. I was like, well, I've only got a pound. I've only got a pound.

So I bought one and I bought one last year and by God, I hope he's not dead so I can complete my set this year. - You're a completionist. - Yeah, yeah. I've got to get three rocks. - Roscoe, can I just invite you to have a little look at the camera here and look how much I've just drifted more into the ether realm.

I don't know what's happening I don't know if the sun's coming or whatever but as this video goes on I'd love to see a time lapse of me just fucking disappearing into Elysium I think this is the way all podcasts and video casts should be one of them slowly dying just disappearing out of the photograph forever just ascending into the heavens I'm ascending

it's been a long time coming I've been meant for the gods for a long long time Roscoe it's a good time like mid podcast is a little bit rude like they could have done it later it's beautiful it's really nice so er

So did we have anything to unpick there? You had your tooth hair donut. You can't eat the donut anymore from Lidl. It was horrible, yeah. It was horrible. I'd done a job for Lidl. I'd done like a kind of corporate job for Lidl where I had to stand outside...

Greeting people there and being kind to them and give them compliments in a kimono. Yeah, I was just being a Lidl greeter. I was standing to say that it was one in Edinburgh and I had to ask people on the way in if they would try new things and stuff. Well, a camera crew filmed it. And what I learned that day is that the only people who stop to talk to someone on their way into a Lidl with a camera crew are people who are fucking mental.

it was a real shift and a half man you're not getting the you're not getting the like the regular people that are going into Little Oya that gravitate to the camera yeah like those ones are getting the heat doing and shuffling their feet and getting by they don't want to be interrupted they've got stuff today and this wasn't like after work crowd this isn't like coming home from work and getting in and grabbing something this is like I've got nothing to do during the day I'll

go to Linden Crow. So what sort of stuff were you asking them? Would you eat a scotch pie with a sauerkraut on top or with sauerkraut on top? Did you have the goods in case the answer was yes? No, no, we didn't. So it was hypothetical. Most people were just going, I don't even know what sauerkraut is, son. And you're like, no one does. Yeah. No one does. I believe. Just this pickled something. Yeah,

It's like, probably cabbage. Yeah. Right? Pickled cabbage, I guess. Pickled cabbage, yeah. Yeah. You can probably come to your own conclusions on what sauerkraut is. We reckon pickled cabbage, and no one truly knows. Yeah. But what on top of a scotch egg, what makes an egg scotch? I don't know what a scotch egg is, but what's the criteria for getting... What makes it scotch? Is it mashed in with potatoes? Because it's like a dense meat, isn't it? Yeah. Is there a titty in it?

I don't know. It's probably because it's fucking cheap. I tried to get Colin again today because I've got him with five Scotch egg. You know, and you're like, oh, Scotch eggs after dating the roast battles or whatever. Can I send you my number? And then I'll just send him a picture of him as a Scotch egg. I got him with Ash Brown. I got him with Eddie Marmy and sent him an Eddie Marmy bean. Wow. I got him with Chris Packett.

I'm thinking of a new Irish character called... First name Toki, second name O'Drift. Toki O'Drift. Yeah. He loves car racing, this guy. It's going to be...

When I unleash Tokyo Drift, people are going to go crazy. I really need as much material as I can for this work in progress. I'm panicking. Dig deep, man, dig deep. The one I got him with today is his Edinburgh show tonight. And I was like, oh, one of my jolly mates, he met him in Punch Drunk. He's up the need. He's called Will Barrow, right? But like, just as a name on paper, it looks like on the text, it looks good, right? But like, he actually said it out loud because he was fucking like...

I don't know, I'll let you listen to his voice memo. I got Nelson about him when he was doing the stand thing during lockdown with Toby Laronne. Oh, that's a fucking absolute classic of one. It's too obvious, that one. It's so done, the fact he fell for it. Can I get a shout out to my mate Toby Laronne, who's working all of us. So, do you do voice memos on 1.5? No, I don't, no.

I just did reggae man I think fucking right no I was just right through I was literally just doing the fucking guest list I was about to go uh how do you get a voice memo on loudspeaker you can't can you no not really right we're gonna get in here yeah

I love that I find it really sweet that Cullen talks to himself on his own

So I've sent him a guest list and he's like, oh, Will Barrow. No, but he's actually must have said it out loud. He's admitted to saying it out loud. I like that. Occasionally I'll say something to myself, but I find it amusing when I do it. Yeah. How have you got them on 1.5 speed though? Are you listening to all voice memos at that speed? That's mad. Have you got a lot of stuff to do?

I think it's because Natalie sends us like podcast level ones. Right, okay. She sends us like, you know when I'm away from home? Yeah. She'll send us like a full update of my life. Right. And like, I can absorb that information at 1.5. Yeah. Right. Fair enough.

I don't know if she knows this yet, but if she's listening, I know you really measure the nuances of your voice to make the stories as entertaining as possible. I listen to... I listen to Ode Fast. I listen to all my wife's voice memos at 0.25. LAUGHTER

I just don't think there's enough info in there I want to really slow it down I want to sound like a man with learning difficulties It's the only way I can get off Maybe you've cracked it there Maybe learning, maybe I shouldn't say what I was thinking there Do it Maybe people with learning difficulties just need the speed turned up Give them speed

I give them a mef. Has anyone tried it? Well, I think this is pretty much what the Nazis were experimenting with. I think, I don't know if all learning difficulties, but I think if you give somebody with ADHD cocaine, it slows them down.

I think it has a negative, not a negative effect, that's the wrong way to word it. I think it has an opposite effect. I think the ADHD meds are essentially just a little bit of speed. I think that's the sort of vibe. I guess it's like two negatives cancelling each other out. So if speed slows them down, we're going to have to speed them up with a bit of kit. Yeah. So I think we need to give special needs people kit.

But also, if speed slows them down, then why in the film Speed did they have to stay a constant pace

Unless... No, it wasn't a constant pace, it was above a certain pace. I think it was above 50 though, so that's... It's not that fast, is it really? It's such an achievable speed there. Although the first time I ever drove a car in a driving lesson, when I got to 30, I was like, oh my God, I am flying here. How much of a criminal do you feel when you have your first without anybody in the car with you?

Yeah. You know, when you first pass your test and you get given a con and you're like, well, you can drive home now from where you got the car from and you're like, shut up, you've got to let me do it. First thing I'd done... I still feel like that. ...was accidentally reverse into a fence behind me. Aye. And that was it. Accidentally hated the con. Yeah.

Yeah. I do. I did. I absolutely hated the guy. So that's why I got his lesson. How I got signed to my agents was a pretty, it was very cool. They came to see me in Edinburgh years ago and it was such a shite show, man. It was like a Tuesday and it was just, there was nobody in, it was boring and I knew they were coming and I was like, well, that's that fucked, man. And then I was on my way to do my first late in live after that and it was,

I was leaving the I didn't talk about this last time did I no I don't think so was it late in life that was actually when it was late as well before they brought it to the fucking watershed yeah yeah it was like late in life the one that went on at like three in the morning and the band would come on yeah I think it was still in that era yeah still like Fred was booking it yeah great

and I was going to do my first one of them ever and then I saw I was leaving the Gilded Rose Theatre over there in the town going well that's me, fuck that, blah blah and then I saw the two people who came to see me and I was like

are yous going over the other side of town? And they're like, yeah. And I was like, oh, well, I'm driving over there to a Slayton Hive. So, I mean, I'll just give you a lift if yous want. Do you know what I mean? I'll just be a regular person. I was like, I know I've fucked that, but whatever. I can still be kind. They jumped in my car and it was at that fancy place, the square where they do the book festival thing. And I reversed my car while I was talking to them and I bumped into a big Range Rover and I looked back and I was like...

they can afford it and I just drove away laughing and I think that level of madness they were like we need to get this guy this guy's got something about him it's fucking insane so

Some poor mother is going to try and get her kids into the car. There's a fucking Range Rover in the centre of Edinburgh. They can't afford that. Some sucker mum of Edinburgh is going to... Yeah, I'm driving like a fucking... The Technotank 2.0 at the time, RIP, City in the Sky Technotank 2.0. I just heard the worst words you can hear from a mechanic yesterday.

I'm pregnant. Worse. Worse than that. I've lost the baby. Oh, no. Where? I said, hey, hey.

It's not good. Oh, no. This is the Timon Belt chain. Now, Russell, I'm not nothing about cars. Yeah. Right? I just, if Lightning McQueen heard Timon Belt chain, he's got stage four. Yeah. It's not a kid's movie anymore. Yeah. That's not a kid's movie. I'm like, it hasn't spread into me. I'm fucking chuffed, is it? I'm within warranty.

Listen. It's not the shot to the fucking heart like I thought it would be. It's the, oh, I knew I'm just in the system.

I'm in the system of getting the warranty fucking dealt with. Yeah, now you need to do all that. Yeah, which is like, check your privilege. That's a fucking, if that exact same thing happened in June when my warranty's up. Yeah. I just don't have a car anymore, I guess. My car is on its last legs, said the cool, the last mechanic I went to, a new guy, he had a gold tooth and I was like, this is the kind I want, man. Oh, yeah.

You don't see golden teeth around a lot anymore. I want somebody who's making money to the point of ostentation. Out of his customers. Do you know what the weird thing is? He's obviously not making fucking money because he was charging fucking buttons in his wee shitty workshop about golden tooth and I'm like, you fucking rock, man. You've got that golden tooth for you and you alone. Yeah.

And he was like, well, you know, your exhaust is fucked, but I can bodge it up and it'll last about a year. But after that, your car's pretty much fucked. And I was like, yeah, cool, man. I'd bodge it up for you, mate. I was like, I'll see you next year when I just go fucking try it again, mate. Can you keep bodging this up for us, please? Yeah, but my car is... I think my car's almost...

old enough to fuck oh nice yeah you gonna think about it yeah although the exhaust might be an issue so where do you go do you know what I mean can you see yourself with a golden tooth you did have a glint in your eye there I would love to have a golden tooth date Roscoe why not I would love it man what's stopping you how expensive teeth are

That golden one? That's got to be fucking even more. Aye, but the whole tooth's not golden. It's a cap, isn't it? Like, you get the gold layer on your tooth. Aye, but even it. Like, when I got these veneers done, that was so much. To get a gold is more expensive than... Aye, whatever it is. Porcelain, porcelain that they're putting on. Yeah. A gold toilet's more expensive than a normal toilet, so a gold tooth's got to be way more expensive than a normal tooth.

So it's about 100 quid for a pair of tooth, isn't it, when you get the bonding done? Or 95 pound, I think. Whatever mine was, was insane. When I got my Invisalign and veneers, it came in at eight and a half grand. Fucking hell. I used a knockoff brand, I'd say Fast, and it had its complications and it never quite got done.

but i got it done at a fraction of the price i didn't quite i didn't quite cross the finish line on it and it took three years and they kept snapping well apart from that mines were perfect uh until at the end but my mill and father-in-law's dog kept chewing just the top retainer so there was like a month where i had to have retainer the top you know and they all sort of moved just a wee bit and the guy was like oh there's two options we either just accept it or

you have to pay a lot of money and we start the midline again just to move them ever so slightly. I was like, I'm fucking great with where they are, mate. Did you try the behind your teeth braces? No, but I've heard that just put a wee thing behind it. I lasted a few weeks. Did it? It wasn't for me that. I like, um,

I've got a bit of an overbite, which you kind of like, there's no, you can do that's your jaw placement with your teeth alignments. Never gonna like if your jaws, if you've got an overbite. But what it means is like, so I had the braces around the back, a bit of a burger, like not even something hard, just like soft food and it like dislodged one of them and pushed it up. So I just had this one, like just until I could get me next dent. It's a point where I kept pulling it down and put it into position.

And I felt like that was creating a bit of leverage. So they weren't doing the job that they were intended to do. So instead of getting it fixed, I was just like, I can't have that happening again when I'm on the road and that. So let's just go down the retainer route. But I did go on for like a month with the behind the teeth retainers and then decided it wasn't for me.

Yeah. I don't mind wearing the retainers for bed. It's not so bad. Yeah. It's not for you. It's not for you. I like wearing the retainer to bed every now and then because it feels like my teeth are getting a wee special time for themselves. I do. You're just putting them to bed. Yeah. I put you away for the night. Yeah. There's another thing I do and it's to stop snoring but I do think you get a better night's sleep for the night. It's got these like kind of

like adhesive, it's just like a last a blast and put it on your nose and pulls your nostrils out. Oh, because I've got a broken nose anyway. And fucking one nose is like one nostrils, like got a bit of traffic. It just flares the mood a bit. And your breathing is just a lot like easier through your nose. And apparently it stops snoring. So I started doing that when I was on the tour bus.

with Danny and Karen and the kid and Gordon the tour manager because I was like I don't want to be snoring on a tour bus and keeping people up so I got that and I found out I was sleeping better so I put my braces in I put my fucking retainers in I put my nostril finger on and I'll take my eyelashes off I've got like a proper fucking system when I get out of bed it's proper old man things

I mean, that sounds great, man. Do you know? I mean, people would go, oh, it's an old man. But it's actually not. It's actually a young, cool man thing. It's what you would have called a metrosexual in the 90s. Yeah. The metrosexual thing. It's a new, modern man who's respected not only himself and his health, but other people's space. Right. Like that. Yeah. A bit more like me. Yeah.

As I ascend to the heavens, I've started descending back again. I'm starting to get a bit more of an outline. You saw this guy on Instagram who's talking about fingering his arsehole and sniffing it to see how healthy he is. Oh, I know. It's really fucking... Is Andrew Tate still doing videos, is he? Do you know what? He sort of looks like that cunt as well.

Aye. I haven't fingered my arse and sniffed it in a long time. He calls it his stink. Long time. Weeks. He calls it his stink portal. His stink portal? Why are you saying that, man? Don't get a stink portal. That's how we're going to end the podcast now, you know, Roscoe? That's it. A little bit of stink portal. Well, get out there, finger your stink portals and sniff it to see if you're healthy or not. Aye. And just like, my advice is to just choose which advice you're giving and which ones you take. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah.

Have a good rummage in your arse. Have a rummage. Roscoe, plug something. You've got the Glasgow Comedy Festival. We know that. Glasgow Comedy Festival. I think the 16th is a work in progress. So that's...

nowhere close aye but you can just I believe in you like you've got this special gift of you could just go on up there and start talking and you'll be like you'll be like a fucking iPod on shuffle for 40 minutes and everyone's gonna have a class table yeah I can pull it out my stink portal

if I want to I guess hopefully see but that is anything I'm doing the show from last year at Oranmore on the 30th the 30th of March and then April start of April I'm away to Fort Aventura so if you're in Fort Aventura I'll be there on holiday just holiday so if you want to put your suntan lotion on just go and ask them and let them and then eh

end of April I've got a Scottish tour going on lovely some places like Dunkeld Dundee and they can find all the ticket links on your website

I don't have a website but you can google it on your link tree I do have a link tree on your Instagram yeah Instagram Instagram Roscoe McClelland go and find him I'm about to do Australia anybody listening in Melbourne or Sydney sorry I'm not coming to Perth or Brisbane a few people have asked but fuck Perth just what he said

which I actually don't mind per if I had a really nice time there. Melbourne, Sydney, and I'm going to come back and mop up a few UK gigs, which is Annex sold out, Barnard Castle still tickets, and Newcastle nearly full. Before I go, Glasgow Comedy Festival 15 for March, just before the cup final. I'll hopefully see you at one of them. If not, I'll see you on the next podcast. Bye.