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Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Have you been since 9-11?

I suppose he'd been sick then, Cara's just telling us about fucking side effects from the antibiotics and that. So we took him in with a bloody cock, really a bloody cock. And there's no infection on now, it just could have been an impact. Could have been an impact thing, like he does jump into the swimming pool like fucking Super Mario trying to get a fucking mushroom out of a brick above his head, like jumps up, arms up in the air, his legs sprayed.

and just fucking dives in the water like that dick first so it could be a bit of trauma there's no bleeding afterwards all the traces of blood they found in his urine wasn't like fucking fresh blood or anything so and it's and it's literally been a week now are we rolling by the way is this just a conversation oh yeah so we gave him um we gave him the antibiotics which was a whole fucking thing and then um and then he just started getting sick off the antibiotics

And even the doctors, when they sent it his way, they were like, we can't find an infection, so this might not do anything. We might be treating nothing here. Piss and blood, that's a real concern, lad. Well, to be fair, I probably got myself to blame. I should stop letting him fuck dock whores. Yeah, the dock whores are always... It's the only way. I want to raise a man. You get scabs inside your... You sweat from dock whores...

I guess you probably need to get the umbrella up there to pull the scarves out. Yeah. I'm trying to explain to him the real... Not even the medical equipment. I don't think it counts as sex if it's with a sex worker. No? No. Same way that shooting... I didn't cheat, baby. Same way that shooting a target on a gun range isn't murder. That's true. That's true. I think that'll hold up in court. I just don't think it'll even hold up on the left wing. LAUGHTER

I've been pathetic by the way I've been like You know what that was probably the best Session I've ever had in my life Like It cost us On the fourth day We were all having fucking pints And we just sat there Yeah just about to clap in front of the NHS I was like do you miss the wee Applause breaks for you during Covid

I'm like, what? I'm like, when everyone used to go outside and bang their pants together to thank you for your service. You're like, what are you on about? And I was like, well, you've been nursing that pint for a couple of days now. Fucking killing me. It was me breakfast pint on day four of the sesh. And I was fucking first one up. Like, I was honestly, that one, that might have been my last hurrah then.

Because like I led the charge for four straight days, right? First one up, last one to bed, four straight days. Not just with anyone, but like some of the people that can bang the most that I know for me life. Matty was there, wasn't he?

Fucking Matty. Let's talk about Matty. What was that? Did you mention about what he did with the packet on the last podcast? I haven't listened to it yet. Oh, no, no, I haven't. Wait, let's just change his name for this. Matthew. Matthew.

He builds so hard, right? So he was one of the last ones standing on day one of the podcast. I'm all over the place, Daniel. Day one of the stag, right? It was me, Gareth...

And arguably Elliot, but only because it was in Elliot's room. The poor motherfucker was trying to get to sleep. But he was there and he would get out of bed and have his lady. It's like how Africa was part of World War II. Colonies were there. We were like, hey, this is our country. And the United States was like, well, this is our country. And all the Africans were there like, hey, fuck off. That's exactly what Elliot was.

So there's four of us that were still up on the last day. And we all went to bed at the same time. We just went, right, well, fucking that's the night done. The fucking sun's coming up. We're going to get out of bed. And about two hours after this, me and Barry went for a lovely breakfast. And I joined you. I wasn't that far behind you. On day one. Or day two you were. No, day one. You were still eating your breakfast when I turned up. So, yes, you were.

I'm messing your breakfast pussy hang on for three hours you're

Who knows his bacon? Oh, man. So, like, don't get me wrong. I'm not expecting... I'm not expecting the world's best breakfast from, like, just, like, the first place, the first pub you walk into in Amsterdam on a fucking Friday, right? But they were real good. They had a big meat one, heaps of sausages, heaps of bacon. Bacon was nice and crispy, right? Beans were good. The beans, the fucking gallon of beans that they just plunk in a fucking gravy train in the middle of your breakfast. Which is the correct...

the correct amount of beans to give if the two options are a gravy boat of beans or a tomato ketchup container of beans which for some reason all fucking hotels are like you want seven beans with your nine bits of free toast we gave you don't you that's just what you want you're like I'd like actually more than that they gave the gravy boat

And then it's like, have any amount of beans you want. Don't worry about the wastage. Yeah, it's good. We got beans for fucking days here. Do you want some toast? Right. Somebody whisper, somebody whisper the word fire to bits of bread, please. I swear to God, this toast was texted fire emojis and then sent out. That's how they toasted it. I think they toasted it with a torch on their iPhone. There was one point where the guy walked by and was like, wait, is there any chance you could toast me toast? Yeah.

fucking honestly it would have been more crisp on it if they'd put it on a sundae I love that part because I got recognised straight away the barman was a Toon fan and he watched us on TNT Sport the week before and he knew who I was the minute I walked in why did I have like a weird because I've not done stand up well because I've not really done stand up for so fucking long right it was similar to like

in covid there just became a point where i stopped feeling like a comedian anymore and even though i'm very proud to be a comedian there's also the shame of like being a comedian or like the embarrassment and like bring it up more often than not if somebody asked me what my job is and i know it's going to be a seven to ten minute interaction i'll lie about my job oh yeah haircut you're not mentioning the haircut you're not mentioning the taxi no no those places we get to that bar and um

She The bartender was like I like your jumper I was like thank you She said where's that from I'm like oh Philip DeFranco He's a podcaster It says March And he gave it to me She's like why's a podcaster Giving you

I'm like, you know what, fuck it, I've not been proud of being a comedian for fucking almost a year at this point. I'm like, I'm actually a comedian. I do comedy. I tell stand-up comedy jokes. These are all my comedian friends. We're all just being comedians together. And then the joey guy was like, are you Daniel Suarez? And I was like, see, I knew it. All it took is me to own it.

And then she was like, oh, that's great. Would I enjoy your stuff? And I'm like, not a fucking chance. Let's just leave it there. Let's leave it at me telling you I do comedy, somebody confirming I do comedy, and you not witnessing any of my comedy to deny the fact that I do comedy. Yeah, just like, listen, there's a swimming pool in my house. That's all you need to know. Yeah, things are going well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still get that sometimes with...

Like, friends of Cal's friends. What else do you do? Yeah. That's a hard one. Is that all that you do then? Yeah. That makes a living, doesn't it? Why I ought to. So I really like having a nice car now. Just a little bit of validation. Yeah. So Matty. Yeah.

Right? Didn't really show up until about five on the second day after trying to bang with me and Gareth. And then disappeared at seven, went for a shit. Yeah, really long shit. And during that shit, booked a flight home and left the next day, right? The

The man fucking cowed it out of a stag do, mid stag do. I think he took a ship in Amsterdam and then wanted to race it to Birmingham because, I don't know if you know this, but all shit ends up in Birmingham. When you flush the chain anywhere in Europe. Yeah, it just goes to Birmingham. Yeah, direct, direct lane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what the Romans did. They were like, we're going to expand, right? And we're just going to find a place to just put,

all of our shit and then they went to Birmingham and they saw it somebody just went hello and they went it'll do it'll do aye this is this is shit it's mad that World War 2 hasn't happened yet but this place still looks like it's been bombed we've just turned up

I bet you in World War II were like, oh no, don't bomb Birmingham. Oh no. Lights out across the UK whenever they are ready to go. Can't chuck the burn lights on.

Can everyone just have the recording podcast studio lights on outside just so we can... All high beams. I think during World War II, they actually flew helicopters for the first time with searchlights on them just to point out Birmingham to the Nazis. Aye. Aye. Absolute decoy. Yeah. Decoy city, that's all it is. Yeah. There's no way people actually have that fucking accent.

Like with the Scouse, I get why they have that accent. It's part of the personality. You know what? It's not as bad as it once was because of Peaky Blinders. And since then, Jude Bellingham's doing it a good service. It's actually had a real fucking glow up, that accent. It's a really hard one still to push. But too many cool people in the last decade have had it.

I don't know if that's I don't know if I agree with you there Because I couldn't But you do watch Peaky Blinders You don't care for Jude Bellingham Couldn't watch Peaky Blinders Because of the accent Because of the fucking accent Yeah that It took me a little while Because I watched one episode And went can I listen to that Oh that's disgusting But then like Again like with Schitt's Creek Where I didn't give it much of a chance Until I heard everyone Banging on about it I dived back in And I was like Alright this is class It's Jude Bellingham from Birmingham Aye Yuck

He retired his shirt number. Yeah. When he left Birmingham City. He played for Birmingham City? Yeah. What, then he fucking went straight to Real? No, he went to Borussia Dortmund. So he did, of course he did. So Matty...

because he bailed because he left early he still had a full bag and you were just like I'll just tell you what push it into my hotel room. - He didn't at all, no. He woke up and went, by the way, I'm about to leave, I'm going home. If anyone wants this extra bag of drugs, let me know. And I'm just sat in my bed watching beast games.

Wait for Barry to wake up text me. Beast games? What the fuck's beast games? This is going to be, Kai's not going to know who the most famous man in the world is. We're all about to experience. Do you know who Mr. Beast is? Oh, I have heard of him. Is that the guy that only eats liver? No. He only eats liver and that. No, that's the liver king. Aye, I don't know him then. That's not the Mr. Beast. No. That's the liver king. Aye, I guess I don't know Mr. Beast. Aye. Is Mr. Beast the one that like hands to like a remote place?

And the guy's like, oh, I'm in fucking Papua New Guinea. I don't know if that's remote. We'll just go in the middle of fucking anywhere for a bit. No, it's Bear Grylls. No, that's not Bear Grylls I'm thinking of.

Okay, go on, who's Mr. Beast? He's just the most famous YouTuber. Well, like, we're toddler on that. No, across any country in the world, go and say the word Mr. Beast out loud and watch any one of them. Oh, is it like one of these guys that'll end up on fucking wrestling like I Show You Speed or whatever? Way more famous than I Show Speed. Right, but like that kind of guy, but...

There is a reason that I've like absolutely ignored his existence or is he cool? He seems good. I mean, he seems no, he's not cool. He's not cool. He's not cool anymore. It was cool. Yeah, he was cool for a while. He's like a big philanthropist, but he's been like exposed over the last six months of like lying. Was he? Yeah. Being a terrible boss.

A bunch of people that work with him and around them are all sexual abusers. And he's called Mr. Beast! And he's called Mr. Beast! You're going to hate the show. So it's Beast games then, isn't it? Like Squid games? Yeah, yeah. They put three kids in an aisle and they're all of his friends. Huh? Aye. Just see. Just see what happens. Epstein Island. Who bought Epstein's Island? Aye. Aye. Aye.

um it's just it's beast games is just squid games but with like 10 million dollar prize fund thousand people so like it's a knockout base yeah but like bigger because you're not gonna do actual squid games like the legislation would be ridiculous yeah yeah so it's just like a big big version so they've got to just do like whatever like

It is a knockout, isn't it? Where they're running along the inflatable things. Well, it's not that. I mean, there's a bit of kind of assault course. Like Ninja Warrior. No, it's more, I mean, you're closer with Squid Games. Way closer with Squid Games. Here's one game. It's going to eliminate 50% of people. Here's another game that's going to eliminate. And also, y'all, it's fucking Joe the Other Over.

and stuff and it's just yanks being fucking yanks bush took her trials yeah yeah yeah all right so um so much but he is because i'm aware of that name i just thought it was the liver guy like i'm like i'm aware his existence no liver king was liver king's downfall was so great because it's the epitome of what right wing grifters are are right epitome epitome

The liver king goes, I've got this fucking ripped, amazing, massive bod purely from eating liver and raw meat. And everyone on the left went, those are steroids. And he went, nah, uh-uh, not me. Just liver, just meat. And then people in the center were like, hey, man.

wasn't a fan of your stuff I believe in like positive mental health go to the gym those are steroids right and everyone on the right wing being like fucking left trying to tear down all of our gods bit by fucking bit and then some guy came out and was like hey I've sold the liver king and

500,000 pounds worth of steroids in the past six years. And then Libby came out and was like, hey, I've got to acknowledge the rumours. You know, like the facts. The rumours. Yeah, the rumours. Everything I told you was a lie. Eat and live all the time. Won't make a rip. It's only steroids that does this and ignoring your kids. I'm real bad. But this is typical of the left.

They talk about wanting to save people's mental health and they want to drag me, a self-made con artist millionaire, down to the ground because of the lies I told you retards. And I told them, hey, you can't call them that words. That's my word for them. So in order to pay for my law funds, because I'm being sued, I need all your retard money again so I can pay for more steroids. Is he gone now then? No, the right wing are still like, God damn the left for trying to bring down the liver king. Yeah.

Oh, well, I'm sure they'll be fine, a lot of them. So I'm in bed watching regular beast games, just getting to the end of it. Mike puts that message out. I'm not replying to it. I'm not in the mood for any more drugs at that point. You owe me a bag.

Fucking, oh. You're fucking gutted about that, by the way. I cannot believe that you still believe that. You're the only one that's still doing this. You have been conned by every single person on that trip. You have been conned by every single person on that trip. You're the only person that believed. So here's what happened, right? I was on fire that game, by the way. It's maddening.

I can get Colin down here I can phone Martin Elson right now let's get Martin Elson phoned up on this podcast but let's lay down what happened first right because I was like I was hitting every like every hole I was getting in the two right crazy golf like fucking like this er

It's all like neon lights and shit, right? But Matthew, I took the mushrooms right on time. He's not even told the story correctly. He doesn't remember the day. I took the mushrooms right on time. What do you think his story is right now, considering he's giving you zero backstory, zero context? Are you panicking? I'm not panicking. You cannot tell the story. I took mushrooms at the perfect time to go to Crazy Golf, right? And when I got there, like, see, there was like a chest, like made of kind of like refurbished wood like this, like made of barnacles. And they painted it with like neon...

like purple, and I just couldn't stop staring at it because it's flowing like lava. It was mint, like everything that met the eye was class. And I was like...

when i was technically shot i was just like taking a fucking punter and it would rattle around and land the other hole and then i just put it in i was getting twos everywhere and then there was a bit where there's a backlog and when those eyes on us i got a bit self-conscious and fucking missed a couple of shots right and everyone just remembers that right and so when i got the top score everyone's like airport i saw you fucking like one of the it took four shots to get this hole in and everyone watched this miss twice before i got it so that was the only time i missed any of the shots

and people saw it. So everyone, like Daniel's assuming that Mark didn't give us the correct score, but he gave us the correct score. You gonna ring him? - Oh, absolutely. No, no, no. 'Cause I'm not going to get an honest answer out of Mark. I will call everyone else on this day. - He was gonna keep me score. - Here's what actually took place, right? As we explained on the other podcast with Cullen, we have to go around, the three of us, sorry, groups of four have to go around with one mini golf thing. I say to everyone, right,

we're all at fucking mini golf to make it fucking interesting whoever wins right gets 100 euros or a bag of gear right just make this fucking fun we're going around uh i'm taking it so seriously it's the one part of the stag do what i'm like focus it's a fucking mini game it's great and also also that end one everyone was spaffing the end shot because it's like you have to get it in one and i got it in one and i got it in one right cool right so we're going around so that's how you're gonna head and beat everybody oh my

Because everyone took nine shots on the last one and I took one and I'd been getting everything in two. It's remarkable. You weren't even watching this play go. It's remarkable how gullible you are. You weren't even watching this play go. I find it shocking how easily gaslit you are and how egotistical you are that for it to fully delete the entire memory of your brain, all it took was Mark Nelson doing a bit and you've been like, well, it must be true.

It must be true. I was as shocked as everyone, to be honest. As you fucking should be. So, we get to the end. I have literally only done ones and twos. There's not a single three. There's not a single extra shot. It's been holes and ones and twos. Oh, holes and ones. I'll come out of the bag now. You never mentioned them previously. There's no holes and ones ever. Not a single hole and one. Just the end one, which actually took you two. I watched it. So, we're going round. We're doing the scores.

Right? Gareth, decent innings. Gareth was on my team. Decent innings. Yeah, he was. And that's why he knows you didn't fucking win. Gareth thinks that. Everyone thinks that! It was a bit! It was a bit that you were like, oh, well, if the bit is I'm the best, then it can't be a bit. It just must be true. This must be true. It was a bit the whole time. We got to the end. I'm looking at the score. You're so angry about losing, by the way. Oh, my God.

I don't want anyone to lose so bad. You're wrong. You didn't lose. You came second. You didn't even lose. You got 28. You think every single person there, right, thinks you win when they don't. Everyone was coming out and being like, Kai genuinely thinks he's won. And that's funny because it annoys Sloss. So we're just going to keep this bit going, right? Everyone was telling you that.

Because if they thought it was a joke that was annoying you, then they would have played along with it because it annoys you. There wouldn't be pacifying. That's exactly why they were playing along with it. You've absolutely nailed it. Playing along? So you're just assuming they're playing along? Is that Mark you're ringing? He's not ringing Mark, he's ringing Gareth. Yeah. He's ringing someone he knows to be an ally. Somebody who didn't create the bit. He's already poisoned them. Ring Mark.

I'm not ringing Mark. Mark's the only one that actually knows. But then we can go Mark jokes over, you can be honest now. No, because in this context, him saying it's true is still funny. Because I'm not wound up by losing. I'm wound up by you being the only person that thinks you won genuinely. Everyone else knowing it a bit. So it's well within Mark's interest to wind me up to keep that bit going. You know, he's like an insurance company that doesn't want to pay up.

Oh, like, you're only insured on that car for personal use, not for driving to work. Fucking constantly. Oh, like, I fucking made, I paid my insurance, just fucking paid me once. Fucking turning up in GTA being like, I crashed my car into the game, can you give me insurance on that in real life? It didn't happen. You were living in a fucking fantasy world. I think you've built a reality that suits you, gets you to giving away drugs. I cannot believe how quickly you took to the lie. Just, here we go. Put it on loudspeaker. Hello, mate.

You absolutely fucked me on the mini there. Oh, did I? My bad. Sorry, mate. Just a quick question. What are the chances that Kai actually won the mini golf in Amsterdam? Zero. Right, right. So do you agree maybe with my little theory that Mark Nelson completely made up Kai's score just to annoy me and then everyone joined in on the bit? Is that a fair assessment?

I think that's very obvious. Gareth, are you only saying this because I fell over? You fell over in the 11th hole? Aye.

Because I said floor was lava. You weren't even like third in our group. Thank you! I fell over because I said floor was lava and then fell in it immediately. Also, that's not true. You fell over and then you came up with that bit after. You rewrite your own history. I said floor was lava and then I went to stand on the bricks and I fell off the bricks into the lava. You went to tee up and you fell over placing your ball. Thank you! That doesn't count as a shot though. It was like an old man because we all went, oh...

That doesn't count as a shot, Gareth. That doesn't count against my score, mate. He's coming here. That can happen, and that can win the golf, Gareth. He's coming here. I can't express to you how much he genuinely, actually, with his heart, thinks he won that game. No, he didn't. Fuck it, I won the game. He owes his coke, Gareth.

how could you watch me play with you and still think you beat me exactly you didn't even beat Gareth you didn't even win your group I was in the zone you were not I was on mushrooms I was getting geometric patterns and that and the fucking lines were drawn for us on the earth

Delusional. Thanks, man. Also, I'm very sorry for fucking up your money. He's refusing to... Only because you're the one that got pumped, Gareth, and you're just as angry as Daniel. He's refusing to ring Mark. Because Mark will continue the bit, because the bit... Mark's bit exists to annoy me. Well, he's going to continue being bitter. Ah, the Perry is. That's how it is, bitterness. Hey, thanks, mate. Too angry, man. I think that got a go. Right. There we go. That's not conclusive. Not conclusive at all.

It's so funny as well that you're like, I chose to fall over because I invented the floorless lava game. I didn't invent floorless lava game. You fell over and everyone was making fun of you and then you spun it to be like, oh no, I was playing floorless lava. And then everyone laughed at that. And now you've sealed that in as the memory of what actually took place. Why is it just me and Randall?

You know, there's like the bricks on the side of the thing. I went, oh, Floor's Lava, and stood on it, and then fell off it immediately. And it just looked like I went Floor's Lava, and then dived into lava. That's what was funny about it. I did fall, though. That was a legit fall into lava. I was like, ooh, ah, ah. Hot. And then took my shot, bang, straight in. It's also mad to think a man who...

In what other scenario, in what other world are you ever beating me in mini golf? Stone cold sober, me completely fucked. I just had a good day didn't I? So, I mean to be fair, fair play to Nelson because the bet still winds me up and it's because you chose... Nick, Nick, Nick, fucking Nick was gutted as well. Did he get a good score? Everyone, most people got a better score than you. No they didn't, I was watching Phil Ellis. Every time I went over to Phil Ellis I was like, man I've known you for 15 years, I had no idea you were shite at golf.

Didn't even think about it to be honest, but I know I think about it. Aye. And would I have said that if I wasn't smashing it? Would I fuck? Would you have been delusional if there was plenty of evidence to suggest that it wasn't the case? There may actually be CCTV footage from that day. I would pay through the fucking nose. I bet you would. That's what you're fucking lying for, so that you don't have to pay through the nose.

the call to walk out there where's my bag of coke oh yeah the bag of coke I famously gave to 9th place I started trying to book a limo back because you know how it was a long walk I was going ah since I'm the winner I'll book a limo when I was on the Uber I've tried to get a fucking limo I just didn't have the capacity to do it because I was so fucked

I don't know if they do I don't I couldn't figure out if they do Yeah I feel like the ratio of like How many Stag do's go to Amsterdam Compared to how many hen do's Is Like ten to one Oh yeah I Yeah You're not getting a great deal of hen parties in Amsterdam are you Yeah Who What gay boy was I talking to the day that we Elliot maybe No an actual gay boy Oh A real gay Matty No full on gay boy I don't think it was

I don't think it was Craig Hill, but we were talking about like whether there's male sex workers in Amsterdam. Ah, about to be. Well, yeah. Tom's probably fucked a couple of them thinking they're women. Yeah. But I also think like if you're in Amsterdam and you want fucking really dirty sex with a bloke,

Just turn on Grindr. They've got the advantage for it. Yeah, you probably don't need to pay for it, do you, if you're gay? No, like, unless you've got a thing of, like, I specifically, like, if it's like, oh, I wanted to be, like, a sex worker. And there are male sex workers in Amsterdam. They're just not in the windows. Aye. And I get that. Because I don't think, like, women who want sex workers are...

Just go in and just... And just board it up. Man, if there were male sex workers in the windows in Amsterdam, right, we would be flying there on the 4.30 flight to Amsterdam and I would be paying you to challenge every single one of them to mini golf, right? And if you beat a single sex worker at mini golf, I would give you a bag of cocaine. I wouldn't even take cash out when I was there. I'd get you a rematch. With fucking pleasure. I can't...

wild to me double or quits fine triple or quits ten to one or quits there's not a world where you beat me at fucking mini golf there is I'll have coke I'll have weed I'll get drunk you can train for five days

New patron special. You're left-handed and bong-eyed. Who are you kidding? Aye, but when I take mushrooms... What do you think mushrooms is? Do you think mushrooms is the water from Space Jam? Good point, actually. Whose side are you on? You're all fighting my argument here, Daniel.

Honestly, you could stand, right? Guy could watch Natalie do a marathon, right? And be at the end and be in the last kilometer was Natalie's fucking getting there, right? Running beside her, giving her the encouragement just to get over the line. If you were to hand Guy the medal at the finish line, his brain would go...

I just did the marathon. I just did the marathon. I just did the marathon in my jeans. What time was that? Fucking hell. When I do a marathon in my jeans, I'm as fast as Natalie is. That's a bad analogy because I'm actually pretty good at running. In jeans? I mean, I run...

I has no right. I could do a marathon of my jeans. Yeah. It would be awful. It would be fucking awful. And my legs would be ripped to shreds. I reckon I've got it in us psychologically. I reckon you can beat me in a marathon. If Natalie did five kilometers, that would be a better achievement than me doing a marathon. Aye. Aye.

You could beat me in a marathon in jeans while I was in... Fulg, yeah. Fulg, yeah. That's embarrassing. Yeah. 41. Yeah, but also... I'm a druggie. Yeah, but running is the... Man, I've just got such good mental fortitude where, like, it sucks. I can just go and I'm keeping going. Do you know, that's why I totally fucked myself with this illness, right? We need to finish the Marty story. We'll do that in a second. Yeah.

I've been ill since I got back from the stag, right? My immune system in the pits, right? Just had one of the best sessions in my life. I had such a fucking good time. I was just laughing beginning to end all the way through it. Cocktail of drugs. What a medley of drugs. Like started with mushrooms, let that level out.

added a pill got a bit tired put some coke in and then just the occasional little spliff with you and Brett when I was like fucking four-way fucking fighting me bodyguard on but how does it like I measured it really well and I was in a really good fucking spot all the way through the thing but like obviously your body's gonna take some recovery from that and I caught an illness when I got back and I've been battling that's how long has it been like nine days ten days or something

It's a long time to be able to do that. It's fucking shite. So I got about a week in and I still had to do my gigs. I'd done my Carlisle gig and my Darlington gig, which I put in together because I could go Carlisle. So I live in Glasgow. Carlisle, go and stop my mum and dad's Darlington, go and back, round trip it, right? But I couldn't conceive the idea of not being in my own bed. So I did there and back, there and back, two days run. So I did like 10 hours of driving while fucking ill. Audiobook?

Yeah, I'm still burning for a wheel of time. So I'm on that at the minute. And then after those gigs, right, I was like, fucking, I've been so good at the gym since December.

I really need to get back into it otherwise I fell off so I'm going to go and have a run and I went on the treadmill and I was like I'm just going to do like a casual 5k so I thought what I'll do right is start on 9 kilometers an hour and then after 1 kilometer I do 10 kilometers an hour and then 11 then 12 then 13 that's 5 kilometers and ending pretty fast and then at the end I went fuck it I'm doing a 6 and put it up to 14 kilometers an hour which is pretty fast and done the 6 kilometer and

And it nearly fucking killed us because I did that with like ill. I did that ill as fuck and I've put myself back loads. So the day after that, I went to Dublin to do the Have A Word thing and I was so fucking pitiful. I was so pitiful again, like, you know, getting the flight and then fucking getting to the venue and getting to my hotel. Like everything was tragic. Yeah. Like the gigs, all the gigs have been classed still.

Like, there's something about being on stage that just goes, you're not ill anymore. You're fine. Yeah. Quite nice to have. Who else was on it? Vittoria was on. Mike Rice. I'd never met him before. He's so fucking sound, man. I really like that lad. Really funny as well. Willow White. Oh, hi. Yeah, yeah. I haven't seen him in fucking years, man, because he used to always be on at the Laughter Lounge when I did the Laughter Lounge. Yeah, he's always good company. Yeah. I also imagine he...

hasn't aged and not because he's been necessarily treating himself well but I just feel like Willow stopped ageing yeah when he got to prison he's the same guy he's the exact same guy because he's fucking quit the smack and all that didn't he he was like a teetotal when I met him yeah but like I heard that he was like fucking

like bad with the drinking drugs and stuff yeah yeah yeah Willie's one of those like alcoholics who stopped sorry alcohol free alcoholics who's like he's like I love it I'll never stop anyone else from doing that but if there's a shot on the table in front of me that's a loaded gun and a depressed person but he's also the one where you're going like oh I wish I knew when he was on the set you're like man I'm glad I just now knew I didn't want to make the guy that made him quit yeah yeah yeah

Yeah, so...

That was the line up And then Dan hosts The first section And then Adam hosts The second section Yeah So it was just a mid bill Beginning to end Yeah He asked me to do The murderers tour But I was just like Fucking I don't have Well kinda Because the stag do Was on While the Glasgow one Was on We fucked him Was on That would have been Like me you and Nelly I reckon Yeah I wouldn't have done it No How not I don't have any Killer material I don't have a murderer I'm not going to You can't have the Eclipse set

At the moment? Fuck no. Just to cut with our best bits? No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not. I'm never it. Those are done. There's no amount of money that you could pay me. And you couldn't kill a 20? Not right now, no. You meant to be one of the best comics on the planet? Yeah, but you couldn't pay me to... First of all, no, I'm not. Second of all, you couldn't pay me... You're quite highly rated.

Yeah. You couldn't pay me to do any old material. Somebody could offer me a million pounds to do X again. In a room full of people that have not seen you? No, not doing it. Have not seen you? Don't care. Fair enough. Not doing, I'm not doing my old shit. And I'm not doing... I didn't mean dusting off old rope.

I don't like it when it doesn't, it's not your life anymore. Like the condom pill bit, that used to serve us so fucking well as a bit on a club set. But like, no, when it's not my life, I'm tired. I'm completely lying to you if I do that bit. Yeah. Yeah. So I'd rather eat shit on stage than fib. And also I'd rather do neither. So I'll do neither. Right.

I did Adam Rose, Adam Rose and Friends last Thursday and that was... Is that new material or is it? Aye, it was about 15. You're doing well? Yeah, yeah. And I've got the stand tonight and the stand tomorrow and like, yeah. Like it'll be, yeah. I saw you doing The Fringe again as well, Work in Progress. Aye. Well, I'll do Work in Progress at The Fringe, Daniel, just don't call it that. Yeah, but it's also like the... You've got to let them know that. Smaller venue. Yeah, and also like I don't mind at this point like...

The Fringe isn't what it used to be. It is getting a show ready for tour. That's what The Fringe is now. But it could have had. The Fringe was always... It used to be endgame. It used to be endgame. It used to be the merit. It used to be the fucking goal. And they just continued to do absolutely nothing to fix the four big venues absolutely rinsing every single comedian for every penny of the worth. Accommodation. Accommodation. They didn't get on top of the fucking landlords.

So they've priced out working class comedians. The fact that you can buy critical acclaim with a good PR. Yes. Oh, you can buy the award with a good PR. If you want to know how you get nominated for the award in Edinburgh, it's 5% chance of doing it is to have one of the best shows there. Or you can almost seal it for yourself by spending three to four grand on

on a publicist and doing previews since the previous November. And another 10 people have also done that and some of them are going to pay that money and not get the win. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't mind dragging down... With each publicist. I don't mind dragging down the...

Being part of the like, oh, the fringe used to be the fucking end game and now you're treating it like the start game. It's like, well, I'm just treating it the way that the organizers and the people who run it and everyone around it has been treating it for 10 years to get to this point. I treated it with respect 10 years ago and because everyone else who...

to love it has only shat and pissed on it since then and made it more impossible for real comedians, not me, but like comedians who it should be a career changer because you've destroyed it for them. I'm just going to come in. I always respected Russell Brand. It's Russell Brand. Clip that. I only said those things because I was... Out of respect mostly. I just wanted to get back on track. I always respected Russell Howard for his brand and

He would never do the fringe because he was just like, it's taking money away from my friends. He's like, if I can sell 5,000 seats in Edinburgh, I'll not do it when all my friends are there. Would he be saying that if he lived in Edinburgh though? Is that because he's down in Bristol? Yeah, maybe, maybe. But I think that's, man, I think that's, you know, if you've got enough to eat, don't steal from, and you're all on the same thing, don't steal from the others. Now that,

Fucking I respect 10% Of the Comedians At the fringe Now So I'm just like Yep And then you just Recommend them Yeah I'm just like Go in Give me the money And then I'll recommend them And every other Little fucking London wine cook Can fuck off And suffer Yeah Bit of fucks Matty So I'm waiting for Barry To tell me breakfast is ready

Mike goes to get his flight Me and Barry are sitting together In fact I don't even think I've left at this point Barry texts me being like you want to go get your breakfast I'm like yep Mike puts in the group Hey Sloss I've just put the gear under your door On the way out So just give it to anyone else I was like cool Open my front door Nah not again Just posted coke Under a stranger's door Random stranger's door Yeah

We were laughing, but imagine it was someone who was in recovery. Imagine it was Willa White. It's a sign. It's a sign. Somebody who's just been on the straight and narrow for a little while, to the point that they feel like they can go to Amsterdam on a business trip. I just think it's a really, really good tip for a cleaner in the next four rooms that she cleaned. We're going to be fucking immaculate. Immaculate. Yeah.

Oh, man, I hope I found a good home. Aye. My winnings. I hope my winnings found a good nose. Aye, just fucking, just deliver, deliver, just some rando. And then when I got back, because I've been sick, right, I've just been, I've been working my way through the Rambo movies.

which is a good way to spend your come down. Yeah, I've never seen any of them. Started watching Loudermilk. Oh, Loudermilk's great. So good. I honestly felt like I was part of the meeting. Have you seen Loudermilk, Matthew? He's like four years recovered alcoholic.

And he's the head of the meetings. The AA. The AA meetings. And everyone kind of gathers around him and tells their stories and all that. It's mostly focused on him, but you'll get little subplots from the people that are in his meetings. And I just felt like I was the quiet one. Just listening. Not even ready to talk yet. Just listening at other meetings. Yeah. I like Lodermilk. Really, really good.

My recovery wasn't Is he a comic? No Is he not? No Because you know The reason I ask right It does feel like One of them sitcoms Will Sassowiz His big fat friend Is a comic Oh Ben Yeah Right because it Feels like There's occasions Which like I don't find it jarring I can just tell it's happening Where I'm like Oh that's a good stand up bit That they've just like Kind of crowbarred in

Which often happens when a stand-up writes a thing, they go, oh, I've got a bit about this, I'm going to make the bit a scene. So you'll have a rant at someone in public for that coffee order, which is in episode one. There's a handful of bits like that where... It's Ricky Gervais' afterlife. And at this point, a stupid Christian comes up and talks to me, and I own them. There's a lot of that in there, which is why I thought it was a stand-up.

You know what, I can confidently say he's not a stand-up. But also he may not have written it. Which, like, if a stand-up wrote it, they'd probably cast himself as the main guy. Correct me if I'm wrong, Matthew, I actually think Will Sasso was part of the writing team of... So maybe it'd be some of his bits. But anyway, it's really easy to watch it. Will Sasso... I only watched it as well because it was, like, less than half an hour an episode. Yeah, 20, 25 minutes. Will Sasso's very funny. I've always enjoyed him on, like, podcast. I've always enjoyed him as a comedic actor. I just think he's...

Great. And also I can tell that he's a decent bloke because he used to do a podcast with Brian Callan in Crystalia. Oh, Brian Callan's in it, isn't he? Loudermilk. Ah, is he one of the people in the meeting? I fucking don't think so, considering he's a sexual predator. 2020? He's been a sexual predator for a while. Okay, he's not in it then. Yeah.

Will Sasso did a podcast with Chris D'Elia and Brian Callan and then all the allegations came out and now Brian Callan and Chris D'Elia do a podcast together and Will Sasso just living his life Ah yeah so even though there was like a deep dive on their fucking sketchy past his was fine Yeah yeah yeah Brian Callan was one that tried to girlfriend zone a rape victim

Except, yeah, sexually solids, a woman. Obviously these are all allegations and there's all allegedly, but you know me, I tend to believe the women and the numbers when it comes to, you know, allegations. One of the harrowing reports. But you won't believe that I won the golf? I believe the rape of a woman, but not the rape of myself. Hi. Yeah.

One of the things was like this girl and he just straight up sexily sold her in a hotel room and like afterwards she was fucking crying about it and the quote is like oh what I'm a big bad rapist that's the thing I'm a big bad rapist what are you talking about you're my girlfriend now you're my girlfriend.

And then was like, you can't rape your girlfriend. No, no, no. I think like being like, that was like consensual. We're in on it. And to prove that I'm not like a monster that did this, I'm going to be in a relationship with you for three months until you forget about that deeply traumatic thing that people famously don't forget about. Oh gosh. And for some reason, all those years later, she still felt jilted. Women, right? Am I right? They never forget. They never forget when you fucking pin them down and sexually assault them. It's wild.

Yeah, have you seen that Jodie Comer play? No. It was like Natalie Sawyer does a play. It's just like one woman play. I went to see it. It was on at the cinema. It was like an everyman cinema put it on or something. Oh, good. A one woman play in an everyman cinema. That's fine. That balances out for me. As long as I have one representation on both sides. It was so fucking powerful, man. A one woman play? It was like X. Yeah.

It's a one-woman play, so there's no good guys. Oh, man. I watched 12 Angry Men with Natalie on Valentine's Day. You see how good you got it, bitch? You got fucking 12. It's the highest rated movie on IMDb.

It's not a scrap of diversity. It's literally titled, what it says on the tin, it's just 12 white blokes. Yeah. And does it pass the bestial? Absolutely crushing it. Just murdering. Does it pass the bestial test?

And they never talk about relationships with women. Good. All the way through. They just talk about blokes. Yeah, just talk about sport a little bit. Great. The great equaliser. Yeah. They talk about prejudice quite a lot. Great. Prejudice against women or black people. They never really mention women. Right.

There is a woman that sees the event that they're talking about through the window, but they're like, I don't think eyes are very good. I think she had little marks off her glasses. Let's just discredit everything she's saying. That's the only time they really bring up women. So...

It's such a good film though. I honestly think it was made in the 50s. Yeah.

it's black and white and I still think it's such a fucking social good social commentary now and like fucking people's like veil of perception on what the truth is right and people's like arguments on fucking social media and shit yeah it really holds up 12 Angry Men was one of those movies dad ruined for me super early on was like you're 14 I made you watch it as a child yeah 14 years old said the fated words it's a classic and I just went oh fucking well this is shite yeah you have to watch that when you're older I think

I've been, like, when I say I enjoy old movies, I don't mean, like, old, old movies. I did enjoy 12 Angry Men, obviously, but, like, movies from my childhood, like the Alien movies and, like, the Rambo, I was watching Rambo. Just anything that's just got, like, a heavy dose of nostalgia attached to it. And also just simpler. Yeah. Like, the movies were so simple back then. I was thinking about this the other day, just because, like, the Oscars are coming up and stuff, and I know...

Nelson would hate me because I don't watch any old movies. I've seen some. Great Escape was good. Cool Hand Luke was good. But those are still sort of in colour. I can't really go into black and white movies. You don't like any westerns? I've watched some of them. But also, here's the thing. This is my opinion. This is a controversial take. And I haven't watched enough old movies to...

prove it's true but it feels true movies were invented in the early 20th century I'm going to say about fucking 1905 probably about

No, no, between. I feel like it was post-World War I. Are you talking like silent movies? Just movies. Movies with talking in it and dialogue was invented, I'm going to say, between the World Wars and acting was invented in 1985, right? I think...

when were the talking movies invented? The first non-silent film was 1927. 27, so before then. Don't worry, I was right, so it is between World Wars. Yeah. Yeah, right.

That would have been a cool time to be alive. Not the war, but like when movies became a thing. 100%. That would have been one of the biggest leaps in technology. Like you would feel like you are so far in the future. Yeah. And we still use the word from, that's what movies is. Moving picture. Yeah, you used to see the still pictures. You see sound films and things. So the movies, they move. The movie. Movie. We can do it. It's movie, Dad. That's it. That's where the word moves. Daddy, it's movie. Yeah.

To this day, that's the words. I might do this myself. I'm going to go back and watch every Oscar, like, best actress movies from fucking 1945 onwards. And I bet they're all shite at acting.

I bet they're all fucking dog shit. I thought he was particularly good. What's his name? Fonda, something Fonda. Henry Fonda. Henry Fonda, he was particularly good in 12 Angry Men. Yeah, when was 12 Angry Men out? 57. 57? Yeah, I looked that up. He's good, good, isn't he? He's good, good, isn't he? And so is the fucking guy, because after watching that, like the first time I watched it, I watched it in the...

Is it called In the Waterfront? The Dockyard movie with Marlon Brando as the main guy. And the baddie from 12 Angry Men is the baddie in... I say he's a baddie. He's a complex character. Is the guy that's the head of the union or something in the waterfront. And I watched two films back to back with him going, oh, he is legit. From being back then, he's so good. I don't know his name though. Do you know...

You understand acting existed before films? Yeah, yeah. Like on stages and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the old Greek things. Yeah, so most... When non-silent films started coming out, even silent films, most of the people doing them were... Just taking a look at them. Are you just taking that stance like any of the footballers from back then wouldn't last now? Like... This... The one place where this...

holds up right is no one's beating Usain Bolt in a hurry. Yeah. Like maybe... It's the only way that you...

Yeah, like maybe you can have someone from way back then that was just actually better than people now. Because like you said, it's so fucking binary that like you've had the fastest day or not. No one's beaten him. Yeah, yeah. But that's like, that's one skill, right? But that's like, that is like knocking on the head that like we're improving over the generations. Because what was he like 2010? It's been like 15 years and like there still isn't a better human being at that.

So when it comes to something that's a bit more subjective, like acting, maybe you could have had the best one back then. Yeah, I just feel like, again, I'm just saying this from the movies that I fucking... And maybe it's the stuff that the films were about, but just any movies I've seen back then, it's just like a fucking man smoking a cigarette and saying sexist things to a fucking woman. And the depth of their characters isn't too fucking great. And I'm like, oh, what is this? And again, not seen 12 Angry Men, and I've not seen any of the fucking classics. This is something where I'm like, I'll do...

some fucking research on this yeah I think you can now say I've seen the Godfather movies and fucking Marlon Brando that was old Marlon Brando wasn't it he was like what they're like oh fucking get this guy in hospital oh I've got cotton wool in my cheeks you're like oh yeah fucking great acting man people fucking reel in here you know beyond reproach to the Godfather

Stinky Poopy movies Do you like The Godfather Again I watched them again fairly recently Not seen them since I was about 18, 19 Yeah they're good Watched all three The whole time I was like Who gives a fuck Super duper good I read the book before I watched them And the book's class Obviously That's why I made the film

It is one of the ones that holds up. There's not many that hold up. I'm willing to admit when I'm wrong. I'm at the stage now where I'm enjoying more food as an adult. Just fucking admit you've been golfing. You're going to just say that? You're going to say that on this podcast where you literally didn't earlier? The only two people that genuinely believe that you won that golf game and the other person's been corrected was you and Nick.

And Nick, just because everyone was going along with it, he wasn't a comedian, so he couldn't pick up on the vibes that everyone was doing a bit. And also your sincerity in your own delusion. Come back on Thursday for the Q&A. We're going to answer your questions. We're going to record it now and then release it. Obviously later, we're not going to release it while we're doing it. Bye.