Two N's, Two O's (Ft. Connor Burns)
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Sloss and Humphreys on the road Muggins and cream, cream and muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Have you been since 9-11? Right Connor, we're four gigs Yeah No, three gigs Three gigs, four days Four days No

Wait, let's do this. Let's do this as a team. We can do this. We can do this. We've done three gigs. Yes. We're in our fourth city. Yes. Three gigs, four cities. Third country. Yes. Yes, that's correct. Yeah? Did we get there? Berlin, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Dublin. Yeah, but we're not doing a gig in Dublin. We're doing a gig in Dublin.

We're just visiting. We're just doing this. We're just drinking. You're like, you're angled your glass around days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's devastating. It's your first time in Dublin. Proper livid. Your first proper pint. I was like, yeah, we're in Dublin. You need to get a pint of Guinness. This is a pint of actual Guinness and they've given me it in a fucking Guinness 0%. Just making sure you didn't put it on Instagram. Glass. Proper embarrassing. I had to sit in the bar like I was some kind of

And then we're both trying to split the G in. Miss Babe would have mailed. By the way, I'm putting myself in Muggle Corner here.

But I'm bringing back Muggle Corner to see if you're splitting the G or in Muggle Corner. You fell for a market employee. As a market employee, I feel like Guinness is the only pint in the world that has stared at more than it's fucking drunk. Aye. People, Guinness politics does my tits in. Mm-hmm. Where people are like, oh, you've not let that settle properly.

there's bubbles in the head fucking drink it but yeah splitting the G's 100% market there isn't another stout though is there let's be real yeah I wouldn't even know Conor McGregor's got one eh I think he's got a rape charge now yeah yeah it's the only stout you can buy if you're underage

I didn't say it was enough for that amount of money. Unless he sees this, in which case, sorry. He put the name Conor on the map, though. Oh, aye. There's not been very many famous Conors. Oh, hold on. No, surely not. Surely there was more famous Conors before Conor McGregor. There's not been many. Because Conor McGregor came on like in 2012, 2012?

Aye. 2013, I think. But then, aye. Nah, I'm telling you, man, as a corner, there is not many famous corners. So, Conor McGregor is to you what Kai Rooney is to me? Aye. Aye, aye, aye. Well, there's quite a few corners in American sport because, like, unfortunately...

Connor in America is a bro name, like a frat bro name. Oh, Todd. It's like Cody or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, hey Connor. So there's loads of like high school athletes and stuff who are called Connor. Hmm.

but he put it on the map why can't I think of any more famous Connors there's another Connor Burns I've heard you at the end of your set when you tell people to find your social media to make sure it's Connor with two N's yeah Connor because Connor with one N which is Connor with one N is how McGregor spells it but that Connor Burns is like a disgrace which is the correct way to spell it I think the Irish way is C-O-N-O-R

Are you like Gary with two R's? No, I'm not. I don't want me having Gary with two R's. I fucking hate that. Are you like Gary with two R's? Connor with two N's, mate. Connor. I said once in a Starbucks, they asked me my name, I said it's Connor. And I went two N's, two O's.

And she wrote Cornu-er. I didn't think you needed to specify two O's. I was just having fun with it. Two N's, two O's. One C, put it away, one C. So Conor, the Tory MP, Scottish? No, he's actually Irish. What was his constituency? His constituency, I think, is like Bournemouth.

Born myth, I think. Right. And he got done for sexual misconduct as well? He's had some kind of sexual scandal. It's a kind of thing you just wouldn't understand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One n, one n. Yeah, two out of three ain't bad. One n, horror. I'm going to miss Conor McGregor's Twitter voice notes, though. I mean, he might be the only guy using that feature.

You know, like that's his thing. He gets like cooked up and smashed and leaves and puts voice notes on Twitter. I don't like when people send us voice notes directly. Oh man. But it's amazing. You know what? I,

i didn't remind them that i just might not be able to listen to it straight away like i would with a text i i know like yeah you're giving us you're giving us something for later you're also it's like you're giving me homework like just i can glance at a message and get the jest you force me into listening you know when i voice note i've always known well selfishly when i'm working the dog it's pain in the arse texting when you're working there's certain places i despise

Having to take a phone call See if you're on like a busy high street Yeah And you're forced into a phone conversation Yeah I get so angry That guy between us on the treadmill We both went in the gym right There's only three people in the gym Us two And one guy Yeah Right and he ended up on the middle treadmill I wanted on a treadmill But there's only two So I had to take the bike To his side Aye

I took the thing on the other side. And he just took a phone call. A video call. He had it resting on the thing. He was Skyping his missus. He Skyped his missus from the tribunal. And I had a full blown conversation with somebody on the tribunal. Do you know what that tells me? He's cheated before.

- No, do you think so? - And he's in a hotel and he's like, "Look honey, if you see me later and I've got a picture of me later, I've got a sweat on, it's just 'cause I was at the gym, I promise." - He's gotta check in. - Yeah, I screamed of that. But he was, it was an intense presence to my left, having a guy, having a full phone conversation.

Was he having a conversation in English? I had my headphones on so I could just see it was happening. I couldn't hear him either. But I did leave a voice note when I was on the treadmill because I had like a bunch of messages of somebody that needed a swift reply. And the reason they kept messaging was because they were trying to do something that required attention. And I was on the treadmill and I literally just fucking replied explaining. Conor McGregor's ones is he'd get like coked up.

and go on Twitter one of the famous one is the one where he's making fun of Dana White it's so good man he's like no sorry he's making fun of Joe Rogan for his commentary that's great you need to find the actual file but he's like he's like pretending to be Joe Rogan he's like that's an illegal knee to a downed opponent he's like shut up Joe you little fucking fool yeah I'll slap you and he's like laughing at himself clearly smashed

Man, he fucking... I fell for his charm so hard, man, when he started. Mate, I don't even mind admitting this. I bought his DVD.

You had a DVD? Yeah, when he was... Right after he beat out Jose Aldo. Was it the documentary, Notorious? Notorious. I had it on DVD. Did you? Which is weird. I didn't think... I had it on, like, Blu-ray. Because I'd definitely seen that without having a hard copy of it. I think I was... Honestly, I think I was so far up his arse that I was like, I want to support his format. It was so bad because, like, it was this guy that was just so arrogant that...

But it didn't count as arrogance because he kept winning. And he was like, it was a great story. It was like proper working class. Yeah.

you know when he was working on a building remember when he was like a like spotty skinhead and he would hijack the fucking the press on like the the cage cage warriors stuff and those are just like you just dive into the cameras and just like and those early weigh-ins so he looked like a crackhead like he looked so scary yeah when he was fighting at like well he's like fighting at like what 145 and stuff um and he just looked like there was

Something in his eyes Yeah And then he just got like Rich and fat And coked up And just weird Yeah man I think Because he was He You know that thing It takes 10 years To become an overnight success He Obviously it was Years and years of training But he got famous Like He got He got

best paid sports person in the world famous yeah within Forbes famous three years yeah like I don't think anybody can get you ready for that should I never give these gypsies money no way to Rick James to paraphrase please include that it was that was the words of Rick James to paraphrase Rick James but I'm no one prepares you for that fuck your couch yeah

Yeah.

I love to see the Charlie Murphy Hollywood stories of Conor McGregor. I've got a story about Charlie Murphy. Not my own story, but like a one degree of separation. You might even meet the promoter in the next couple of gigs I ran by this promoter. He was promoting Charlie Murphy's tour, comedy tour. Amazing. Talking to people tour. Spoke in an audience with Charlie Murphy. Yeah. And at the end of the tour, Brang was like,

I'm going to get me sell this fucker. I've had my eye on this gorgeous whiskey that's at this whiskey bar. At the end of the tour, I'm going to get me sell one of these whiskeys, right? I really fancy it. And it was like fucking something like 90 euros or something ridiculous, right? So he gets his dram of whiskeys and enjoyed it. And Charlie Murphy comes up and he's like, what's that? He's like, oh, such and such a whiskey. He's like, I'll have one. And Brian's like, oh, fuck, I'm going to get this guy. And he was like, he went away to chat with his mate. And then he was like, he probably won't know anything.

a 90 pound whiskey compared to a normal whiskey yeah you're definitely getting them off the image gross now yeah they're getting them like a fucking Jack Daniels or something Charlie Murphy just come back and just scold it right away and he was like oh phew thank god but also we're like fucking zero degrees of separation from Conor McGregor because you know about Danny on Conan

No. You know, when Daniel was on Conan, right, there's a fucking producer who booked him on it called JP, right? Right. You've probably met him a bunch of times at the Fringe. Yeah. He was at the Fringe this year. He's always there, right? I'm not sure what he's working on at the moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, um,

Danny was just like fucking like what we were talking about hook line and sinker for Conor McGregor yeah mate he spoke to like a generation of us so Danny is telling JP about this guy who's got this fight coming up and everything I think the fight was on that weekend or something maybe one of his fights against like fucking who would he have been fighting back then like Chan Mendes or something

or like Dustin Poirier yeah or Brimmage Marcus Brimmage maybe it was like one of the early fights what was that that Dennis Seaver do you remember that one yeah and he fucking battered him aye and so he was like he was on the up maybe he's had his first couple of fights so it probably wasn't Brimmage or Poirier but it might have been Mendes or Seaver so Danny gets JP onto this you know

new fighter, JP gets a little bit of a fucking, uh, musher blood for him and then fucking sees him fight Aldo and go, this guy's the fucking tits, let's get him on Conan. Right? So, JP fucking manages to get Conor McGregor on Conan and then tells, and then tells Conor McGregor that it was Daniel who got him onto this, right? So, he ended up, um,

ringing Danny, right? Danny didn't pick up. So he got the answer phone message. And the answer phone message was, my man, I heard you got me on Conan. So I just want to say thank you. That's unreal. And I ended up like, pass.

patching the audio with a picture of Daniel on the phone and a picture of Conan on the phone and like patching the audio on it and put it on social media. Oh, is that out there? It's out there. Oh man, I don't know. I've never seen that. I'll probably be able to get hold of it on my phone, on my iPad. And it was, that was the Conan where after he'd beat Aldo or whatever, Conan was asking what's next. And he was like, I don't know. I'll always get Floyd Mayweather out of bed. Right? So then the fight with Floyd Mayweather happened. And Danny was there going,

I'm partially responsible for one of the biggest fights in fucking history. But like also completely responsible for the demise of Conor McGregor. Yeah, you are. That's not a fun voicemail message to have now. Nah, there's people in the world that dread seeing his name come up on the phone now. You know what? I saw a clip, and fair play to the reporter, but I saw a clip of him today coming out of court.

And the reporter was a braver guy than me. Because he went up to him and was like, So Connor, you're officially a rapist. Do you have anything you want to say about it? Did he? Aye. Was that here in Dublin as well? It must have been, aye. It must have been, aye. He's like, so you're officially a rapist. Do you have anything to say about it? What did he have to say? He just got straight in the car. He was just shepherded right through. I go, I'm looking out. If I was working for the Dublin Chronicle or whatever it is, and they put that in front of me, I'd be like...

I'm probably just going to go and ask him what his next move is what's your next move why would you confront a guy who's just lost it all I did an interview the other day and the interview started with so you've described yourself as a wannabe gangster

I got a list of questions. I got a list of questions. I'm not. First of all, we'll come back to that. Let's figure out where that came from. But you have described yourself to that to me multiple times. I have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Want to be a gangster. With your eyes. I really want to be a gangster. I wish...

Connor I wish I was a gangster I want to be involved in organised crime but I've got ADHD I'm just not organised enough disorganised crime I want to start a gang but nobody wants to join me I just want to be a gangster how do you start a gang anyway who do you ask wait wait so if we're going to start a gang what are we going to be doing

What would lure you into my gang? I was like, yeah, I've got this job. I'm so scared of jail. That would have to be so alluring. All right, so nothing that's going to get you locked up, something that's going to get you suspended sentence. Like a really petty crime gang. Aye. We can be like, what about vigilante? What about if someone's got a clamp on their car?

Oh, because that would be a crime, wouldn't it, to own clamp cars? Or pay people speed and find... Yeah, yeah. Say it's 120 quid to get the clamp off your car. We turn up and we take 60 quid off the guy and we cut the clamp off for him. So, like, we're making money, but we're also saving people money.

The clamp boys. Do people get clamped anymore though? No, I don't think that's a thing. I haven't seen a clamp on a wheel in a long, long time. You know what we are, mate? We're just renaissance men. Our gang may have to be in somewhere that's a little bit less developed. Like Sunderland.

I will start the clamping gang. I'm not just making fun of Sunderland because you're a Newcastle fan. And I'm not making fun of Sunderland particularly, but I remember I just so happened to be doing a gig in Sunderland and I remember I had time to kill during the day and I was looking at, it was a bingo hall. I was standing like in the middle of Sunderland just looking at it. That's where the gig was? No, no, no. But I was just like in town, like walking about killing time before the gig.

And the bingo hall, honestly, I was like, it's undergoing repairs. There was bits of it missing. I was just standing there thinking, I wonder what they're turning that into. And then 400 old women came out of it.

And I was like, oh, that's still a functioning bingo hall. There was holes in it. So did you think it was like a fucking quarantine, like they were saying, boxed off, they were going to turn it into flats? I couldn't believe it. I was about to get some work done. Honestly, it did not look like a fit place for humans to be in. And then all these old biddies shuffled out of it. You know how the people from Sunderland have to fly from Newcastle to get to Spain? Yeah.

I bet they love that. They fucking hate it. How far is it? We sing it to them. We sing it to them at the match. You have to fly from Newcastle to Spain. You have a hot dog sausage and a big apple. You have a hot dog sausage and a big apple. Oh, that's really funny. They hate it. They fucking hate it. Does Sunderland have an airport? No.

There's a T-Side airport and I think it's got like maybe it's one destination. I think. Hell. Straight hell. T-Side airport. It actually flies to Amsterdam and I find that it's a date because there's some macs at my gig. Oh, really? We love them. We love them really.

I do get maggums at my shows, you know, hands across the water. Absolutely, man. Have you seen the documentary? Well, the maggums coming out of the show. Coming out as Kai fans. No, the other documentary. Oh, yes. Hi. Alfie Joy. Alfie Joy was on it. Yeah. Like, what if Al Pacino... Yeah.

Just take any week and get his impression. It's a very weird documentary. Oh, that was another one as well. I think there was like a Cheka Trade Cup or something for like the under 20s. Yeah. My mic might not be picking up, so I'm just going to... I don't know how long that's been, but I'm just going to give this a wiggle. It dropped a little bit before. One, two, one, two. What's that on? 18 minutes.

I just fell out before I saw it. Yeah, there was just some like fucking just under 21s cup game when Newcastle and Sunderland hadn't played each other in years, right? It was before the recent derby in the FA Cup. And it's the first time they've met since the Netflix special. And even though it was like an under 21s game, like all the Newcastle fans were just going, we saw you cry on Netflix. Yeah.

We saw you cry on Netflix. That's so good, man. I went through a thing of like, have you ever watched the thing that's like side-by-side comparisons of English and British football chants compared to American football chants? It's so embarrassing, man. There's one that's an American one and it's a guy, and it's an American, I think it's a USA national team game. And the guy's dressed as Roosevelt.

Like with a hat and the sword. And he's leading the fans in a chant. And he's like, the whole chant is, we will fight and we will win. We will fight and we will win. He's like, USA, USA, we will fight and we will win. And it cuts to one where it was like, yeah, that's as a grass. Jamie Vardy, yeah, that's as a grass. It cut to that one. It was, oh, who was it?

we're going to score a goal your dad watches elephants and your eh eh Addy by heart Addy by heart your dad watches elephants and your mum's a whore as he's getting stretched off oh man we eh we were the the

home game against Leeds but right next to the away end so like when fucking like arguing distance with the away fans and well like what was it he's one of your own he's one of your own Jamie Savile he's one of your own and then they give it a beat and it came back he fucked all your kids he fucked all your kids Jamie Savile he fucked all your kids and we were just like I fear the I fear the sometimes you can see that

Do you know, I was on Hot Water Green Room with Jamie Hutchison and Tony Carroll, right, straight after Danny Stagg. I'd watched the Newcastle Man United game in a fucking bar in Vegas and I'd garrisoned like some off the strip, middle of the desert fucking pub, like English pub, the cutout of the Queen.

And then there's just all these fucking Man United fans that like were American. Yeah, because Man United fans live anywhere but fucking Manchester. Come on, you red devils. I was telling Jamie Hutchinson about when David De Gea fucking cleared the ball out of the box in like the 80th minute and this Man United American fan with a Man United top point in my face went, sweeper, keeper, sweeper.

So I tell this story on that podcast, right? It gets clipped up and put out. And I'm at Newcastle versus PSG at the Park de Prance in the OAN, right? Enjoying the game. And I just hear some lad go, sweeper, keeper. LAUGHTER

It was a lad like halfway across the oasis who'd spotted this. It's a tremendous bit of power. Realized where he knew us from and went sweeper keeper across the oasis. See, when you say like...

Oh man, we've got to have to score an extra timer. It's going to go to PKs. PKs. Mate, there's only one PK in football and he's shagging Shaqiri. I wonder if he's accidentally sexted Shaqiri. Next level football player. I get vibes of Ronaldo that he...

like cries in bed oh cry maxes yeah cry maxes Jake Jake has a good old bubble after sex oh man because I think he cries I think he cries because he knows that he's wasted some of his DNA

Do you know what I mean? He looks at himself in the mirror in his pants and he's like, oh, I just denied carrying on my lineage by shooting one into this. So you think he's crying, what could have been? I think, you know, I guarantee that he...

has done Pilates purely so he could suck himself off. Do you reckon he would actually like to be Genghis Khan? Yeah, yeah. Just make sure every sperm landed. 70% of the world is a direct relation to Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo, aye. Aye, mate. I kind of stand him. There's something about him, like... He's got dodgy charges as well. Like, I've...

I don't know where you get information from, but information just travels around the world. I'm going to call it information instead of calendar room, because I feel like it is information. You can't go to America. That's why you wouldn't find him at the MLS, because if he lands in America, that's when he gets arrested. Oh, that would be amazing, man. Right. You wouldn't need to do his headshot. There's always that unbelievable likeness that exists of him and his statue. Yeah, it's ridiculous, isn't it?

Yeah, what was it? But why is that a thing? Have you seen... Who's the... I don't really know basketball. Is it Dwayne Wade that just got his... He just got his bronze statue unveiled and it became like a meme because it's like... Oh, wait. Maybe his bronze isn't the metal that they're using because none of them seem to be able to manipulate the bronze in the way that like the Romans used to manipulate marble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like just...

we've gone backwards with statues I think the problem with Dwayne Wayzman I keep saying Dwayne I think it was him but he's got a beard and I think it just looks like part of his face it just looks like he's got a massive chin it's like a Johnny Bravo chin that he's got yeah yeah there's not there's not enough like detail on it to make it look like a beard it just looks like it's his face that would be devastating I've football chants and that erm

What was I going to say? We were talking about that guy chanting. I cut in with a sweep. I keep my story. But you were doing the back and forth between America. I like excavating the conversation. Have you seen it? I need to show you the clip, man, because I'm not going to do it justice. But there's a guy who calls himself like an ultra for one of the teams. And he's just he's standing. He's wearing a wee scarf.

And he's leading the section in a thing.

but then he became like known as like scarf casual scarf casual business casual people just kept but I can't remember it I'm going to have to look it up but the chant was like toe curlingly embarrassing oh no was it an American one was it an American guy and he's you know but American football even like when the Portland Timbers score a goal a guy dressed as a lumberjack pretends to cut a piece of wood in half oh

at the side of the pitch. They're a fucking embarrassment. The European fans are fucking amazing, but they just do do the same thing regardless of what's happening on the pitch. Yeah. They're singing the same song, they're going to the same beat, like there's no synergy. Yeah. I feel like we're British football fans.

there's like what happens on the pitch dictates the crowd the crowd respond to the football the football responds to the crowd and there is this fucking connection I'm always fascinated see when you hear a really funny chant at a football game I'm always fascinated how that's

broke through so like one of the boys in like the die hard you know the die hard crews that go to every game I think forums I reckon they float them on forums and if anything it's a lot of likes or whatever I wonder if it's like that it's like their SNL they go in to a pitch meeting with some like horrifically racist chant all the boys in the pub go it's actually really funny we'll do that at the game you know what I'd love to do everyone had to be in on it

You know when you're getting like, sometimes your crowd gets a bit quiet. You're in jeopardy. Yeah. Right? You're leading by fucking one goal, but you haven't had the ball in about 15 minutes. The crowd sometimes flattens a home crowd. And then all of a sudden you'll hear the fans going, your support, your support, your support is fucking shit. I would love to just hear somebody going, no, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. It's really good. Yeah.

It's just very ultra lame. That's very American coded. Just knowingly ultra lame response to that chant because it would just disarm it immediately. What was that one that went viral? It was like Cambridge or something went on this horrific thing of not scoring in 19 games or something. The arrows. The fans turned up with the arrows. So good, man. So good. Because that's another very British thing is our ability to like...

have a laugh at ourselves and like take the piss out of it. I feel like, you know, like Americans, like they wouldn't have that thing of there'd be like so angry at the players, so angry at the club.

Whereas it's so funny to me that someone had to make a hundred high visibility arrows to go in the game. It's like that scene in... We're going to do it? I can't believe we're doing this. Stevie's missus has cut them out on her cricket. You see the scene from Jungle? Yeah. I stayed up all night making arrows. Yes. Yeah.

I haven't been to a football game in ages, man. Ages. Just doing this job. I haven't been for a long time. Well, you're going to be in Newcastle for summer main, I think. We're talking about that day. So in the new year, I'm doing our Lemmxtra Newcastle shows and there's going to be like, you're going to do a couple of them, aren't you? Elliot's going to do a couple of them. Definitely. I've scheduled them to be right next to Newcastle matches. Oh,

it's so good I can go back home I've only been to St. James Park once a few years ago lads weekend in Newcastle and it was we went to see yous were playing Arsenal I fear yous may have lost it was I was going to say if it was the one maybe 1-0 but if it was the one that we won 2-0 a couple of years ago I was there nah it was longer ago than that probably 6-7 years ago or something em

atmosphere I love it man I know it gets said a lot but the one city one team thing is so nice because coming from Scottish football there's so much division in Glasgow and Edinburgh there's three yeah there's three in Glasgow first division second division third division

Oh right, I thought you wanted to be a partner crystal. I was like three in Glasgow, partner crystal? Nah, it is man and it's like, it's good but... And then Manchester and Liverpool, they're divided. Fuck the audacity of Manchester United, Calumsell United, there's nothing United over Manchester. Two of the biggest clubs in the world play out with Manchester. I know it's early days in the season but like...

They really look like... They're really looking in serious trouble. Like, serious trouble. It's fun to watch. It's mad. It's mad. I grew up with the...

like Fergie team and like everybody in Scotland was a all of a sudden a Man United fan I know like a lot of people that listen to this podcast don't like football because they're Daniel Sloss fans and there's no Venn diagram crossover between Daniel Sloss and like football but you couldn't have lived life without knowing about that Fergie era Man United where they just dominated the two teams that dominated growing up were Fergie's

United and then Wenger's Arsenal team that was like you grew up Even Wenger's Arsenal team didn't really dominate they just pushed Man United Yeah and landed a glove once or twice and then I guess Chelsea but I think we should we should hard pivot out to football because we have got we have got stuff to talk about from the tour because we've been like it was

Finally got there at the beginning. We've been going for four days now. Day one was the one where the wheels came off the bus. Oh my God, man. We've actually corrected ourselves from an early stumble. I think it's good to get that logistical nightmares out of the way day one because then you read everything three times before. Yeah, aye. It has helped, hasn't it? Aye. Because we did the Berlin gig...

And then... It was an intimate gig and we got to have a pint with everybody afterwards. So there was people who'd been to Danny's show who always bring Spliff forward to Danny's show. Yeah. He bought Spliff this time. Yeah. And I come in super high. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're like, should we book the taxi? Well, I just sat and had a pint with a guy from Hartlepool. Oh, aye. So you did, aye. And you at regular intervals came in looking more and more foreign. Yeah.

What kind of foreign? The eyes foreign. Yeah, there we go. But you just like, you were just coming in more and more like chilled out. You sat further and further down in your chair every time. And then we had to go to the hotel.

Because we still had luggage because it was a really tight flight for like landing and getting to the gig. So we didn't have time to go to the hotel first. It was an airport hotel and we didn't even have time to go from the airport to the hotel to the gig. We just took our luggage in to Berlin just so we could take it out straight after. But also, we had time to go to the hotel. Turns out we did. Yeah, because we got there and you weren't even able to do your sound check because a random woman with a laptop turned up. Fucking hell.

Some cunt hijacked my soundcheck. I was in the middle of soundcheck and somebody come in with a laptop and plugged it in. So...

This is how I discovered you was there, right? I was doing soundcheck and I just looked behind us and there was a picture of a young boy's face filling the screen of this projector screen, right? Yeah. And I was just like, fucking hell, is that me backdrop for the show? Is that what we're going to do? And he's like, oh, you have to pay extra for that or something. And then it turns out this woman was plugging in her laptop so that she could do a projector-driven show at a later date at this venue. And then...

She just started soundchecking in the middle of me soundchecking and I just stepped to one side and just went, I guess I've just been muscle dude in my own soundcheck. Yeah, it was such a British reaction. Because German people are so weird and dynamic. Because when I came back, I was like, I don't even know if I've put my foot in it. If that was like her dead son or something and she was doing some kind of projector. Is that my background? She's doing some kind of fucking panorama investigation for the fucking malpractice of the doctors that

misdiagnosed a child or whatever and I'm just like I couldn't help this is my background so that's why I kind of sheepishly stepped away because I felt like I'd put my foot in it we went backstage and there was like a weird backstage rider as well where there was two whole baguettes

two tubs of hummus a few packets of crisps and like other like a bag of nuts I recognised this writer and then the women running the venue came back and went I'm really sorry that we couldn't get your bottle of gin and you were like what? but there's gin behind the bar and he has some tokens for the bar on it because see I didn't demand gin and I didn't demand hummus

I didn't demand M&M's no big bag M&M's but I had somebody who demands all them things he's called Daniel Sloss and basically my agent had sent Daniel's writer through all the venues and I had to ring I had to ring Molly and I'd just go

let's wait until we sell more tickets before we start treating myself to a massive grocery shop your exact words were your exact words were I don't want to come home to an M&M bill that I can't pay yeah

But we lived like kings the first night. We got the big rider. Paid for it, may as well wire in. Everything went in my bag. Yeah, that's the difference. At the end of Slossy's gig, he probably doesn't feel like he needs to take his rider home. Yeah, it's just a little gift for the staff. A little gift for the staff, if anyone wants anything. We were like fucking taking apples and that. So...

I'm so high fucking the king ended up being fucking really nice everyone was fun afterwards after a long day it was like nice to just like you know have that pint with the audience after like not knowing if you're going to get the venue do sound check em

So I got out and got high with some of the guys that we see every time I'm in Berlin with Daniel. And then I got to book the Uber. I just fucking started typing in the name of the hotel and then it came up and I pressed on it. Yeah.

there's a chain there's more of them and we picked the one that was 25 minutes in the opposite direction and we just got an Uber for like 25 minutes and then we had to negotiate with the Uber driver to let us when we got to the other one realise it wasn't our hotel we had to negotiate with the Uber driver and be like can you wait for us to order another Uber and then you accept it he looked so but like when I offered him cash I was like

Because I've got like, I've got like fucking €30, €40 on his leg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to just take that and then take it to the hotel? And he looked around like it was a sting operation. Like, there's a fucking hidden camera. He was like, there's a secret shop. Undercover boss. He's trying to fucking get me. Oh, my license took off. He's a daft cunt. He was probably like, not about that life, wasn't he? Yeah, that was a very Geordie move to watch you be like,

we're in a sticky situation here mate go and just take some cash and sort it out I felt like cash would have won that situation there's a man there's a man we have a car with two people in it I've got cash on us we can get to a hotel you've already got our suitcases in the boot mate just take us but he was like he absolutely looked like he was looking for hidden cameras and then he arranged that phone to book the trip and he was like I'll try and catch the trip yeah and he did to his credit

So then we drove about half an hour. I'm bursting on a piss. You are so fucking. Legs were crossed. You kept offering me a fucking drinking your bottle of water. It's so funny. You're doing your best to can. I'm not going to be pissed off for him. It's his fucking first day of his tour. I want to fall out with him on day one. I've got two weeks with this guy. I've already ate his fucking M&M's.

but I was like I need you like you know when you like it's funny for a while you're like oh I'm pushed in or am I going to make it but then it gets serious and you have to like

focus on your breathing and like squeeze your bladder so you don't piss your pants and we'd already pissed if we'd just jumped in that uber and 15 minutes into half an hour journey i would have been like mate i'm really sorry but i i need to pee i would have jumped on the side of the road and pissed but because like we'd we'd ran out of like this guy's goodwill so i was like i'm just gonna wait till the hotel so i'm like proper clamping down

And then we get to the hotel and it's late. It's like half 11 or something. And it turns out that this fucking hotel, there's no staff after 10 PM. So it's a, it's a digital, like just looks like an ATM essentially that you've got to check yourself for that.

And it won't even open the doors to the hotel without you checking in this way. Oh, but it would keep opening the doors back out to the outdoors. Yeah. So you kind of move. So these doors were like squeaking open and closed the whole time. As soon as I see the setup, I know that I can't hold the piss until this is fixed. I think I first heard you when I saw that was go piss on the street. We're not getting invited. But he was clearly sitting on his phone for a wee while, the Uber driver, when he dropped us off. And I,

I never told you this but it was so funny so I ran to the end because there was a field at the end so I start pissing in the field but then he starts his engine up and his full beam headlights come on and I just I was just like you know like the that thing like third was it a

of the third kind. Oh yeah. I was just like, I was just dark with my silhouette in my wee arse. Like the parody of that on The Simpsons with Mr Burns. So I was just a silhouette of a perfect wee arse. So not only did we make this guy take us on two trips, but then he got a full view of me midstream. I took honestly a minute and a half long piss. It was phenomenal. Yeah.

And by the time you come back, I still hadn't figured it out. I was so high, but I was like, right, come on, focus on him. So I've got this like fucking Google Drive, which like, it should be a spreadsheet. Yeah.

But it's a Word document. It's a spreadsheet within a Word document. There's a lot of information. The font's very small. It changes colours a lot. And it's because it's a sheet. On a phone, you have to slide to view the whole thing. And then you've got to slide, but you hold on too hard and you highlight some stuff. It's...

In the current information age that we're in, there's a better way to communicate information than the way we use as a system for touring. So we took one look at this and decided that in our state, the easiest option was to phone our agent at midnight and wake her up. Yeah, and bless her, she got out of bed. Aye. She's got a bad name. She lives in a house with stairs. Aye.

I had to listen to her like struggling to get up the stairs to get to her computer to open a file that we've got on my phone and then she read the number and as she was reading it out I realised that that was on the thing yeah you know what though I had typed that number in but it had full so it's got it's got name

and reservation number, right? So I type in Humphries and I type in the number that's on the drive, right? So we hadn't rang it straight away. We'd give it a shot. So it's booking.com reservation number, right? And it had like four digits, full stop, four digits, full stop, four digits, like 16 digits with full stops every four. And because the keypad

had symbols on it. Yeah, we were putting the full stop sign. That implied that the full stop was part of it. Yeah. So we put the full stop sign. It's such bullshit, man. You shouldn't be able to check in a hotel because there's no staff in it. Is it like, is it all capitals? Aye. Is it my second name? Yeah, yeah. Is it just a capital and then lowercase for the rest of it? Yeah, there's too many variables to be going...

type in your name and password here yeah there's just two man i usually struggle if i have to log into something that i've had in account for four years of course man and i have to reset it because it needs it and then i was starving uh but i knew i i brought with me like a good job i had loads of nothing i'm just be bagging it yeah you selfishly took all of the uh of the rider that you paid for

So at Bano I had like a wee ramen bowl thing in my bag. Like I always chuck one of them in my case because there's always stuff like that where you go out having a time to grab food. I'll get back to the hotel room I can at least have something before bed.

started looking around the fucking hotel room it's got a hair dryer in it it's got this it's got that no kettle it must have had a kettle somewhere I was raging no I turned the place I was opening drawers did you check the drawer because it was like an overnight travel hotel it was really shut back so I was like because it was actually that Harley pool guy you were talking to and I was like oh we're staying at the fucking whatever hotel and he was like yeah

Spent all your money on your rider, didn't you? Got two baguettes sticking out your back like fucking Deadpool.

But I had no kettle. But then I was like, oh, this is a disaster, man. I'm so hungry. There's nothing. You can't even go down to the foyer and buy something because there's no staff. We're in the middle of nowhere. I wouldn't even consider what you did next as an option, you know. So I went to wash my hands or I went to brush my teeth and then realized that the hot tap was like ripping hot. Like I couldn't keep my hands under it on all the way hot. So I went...

Oh, that feels hot enough for noodles. Having a pot noodle with hot water out the hot tub. Mate, it worked. So I was like, right, it's probably going to take a while to get the noodles soft. So I did it, then jumped in the shower.

I came at my shower. It was fucking perfect. It was ready. And I sat down and I looked around and realised there was no cutlery in the room. No bin. Mate, no, I actually didn't use my room key. I didn't have one. It was a fucking code lock. It was a code, aye. So we didn't even have a room key. What I ended up using, this was the CCTV footage, if there's one in the room, I doubt it, but would be the saddest piece of fucking video you've ever seen in my life. So I came at the...

shower just put my pants on and I was like oh there's a lot of like liquid in this so I'm not going to put any clothes on in case I splash looked around realised there was no stuff there wasn't even like a pen you know what I mean if there was a couple pens I could have fashioned some chopsticks or something all there was I was even trying to think like could I use my toothbrush or something

All there was was a paper cup with a wee paper lid on it in the bathroom for you to put your toothbrush in.

And I was like, what the fuck can I do with that? So what I ended up doing was like rolling up the thing like a taco shell and scooping it in my mouth. But then the problem was that the liquid, the broth from the ramen, I would scoop up, but then it would slide at the back end of the taco. So the first mouthful, I'd splash it all over the bed then.

So I was like, I put it down. I've got one like mouthful of noodles in my mouth. I'm in my pants, my wee belly's hanging over my pants on the edge of the bed. I have to wet the towel. I soak the towel and I'm trying to get the like red fucking broth off the bed. And I was just like, and then there's a mirror so I can see myself. I'm like, this is so fucking sad.

And then I realized that that was the only towel in the room as well. So in the morning I had to wash myself and just avoid the fucking spicy broth corner of the towel. But while you were doing that, I'd got in the shower, right? Took my jeans off. I took it.

took everything off, including my glasses, right? Had a shower, come in, and then was like, right, I'll pack my jeans into my bag, I'll put out some travel clothes, like trying to be organised for tomorrow, put my shit on charge, right? And in the middle of that, I'm just like, where the fuck's my glasses? And I couldn't find my glasses fucking anywhere. Mate, I'd come in the room with my glasses on and then just couldn't

Like, I was in the room with my glasses on. I took them off before my shower and now they're nowhere. I had my fucking room upside down looking for these glasses. I put them on top of my jeans and then coming to the shower, I folded up my jeans and pretty much rolled my glasses up into my jeans and put them in my bag. So he was fucking splashing them around and I was on my hands and knees looking under the bed for a pair of glasses that were in my bag. And then I slept in in the morning and you woke me up with...

a phone call and you were like I'm in the taxi I was like oh no so I had the world's quickest shower wiped myself up with a ramen towel shut my suitcase and we're both in the taxi again if that's the worst day it's a decent tour because I've had worse days than that on tour normally they become fucking first one

Yeah, but that was, we just, I feel like we made all the mistakes we needed to make. But all the hotels have been good since. Yeah. Today was so good, like so funny. Like our flight to Dublin was delayed a couple hours, which we didn't really care about. No, because I'm catching up on our cane, which is the fucking man I made a series. And we were only on like a super tight time schedule. Nah. But there was people on that flight who like, they had their, they'd missed their connecting flights and that. So tensions were starting to run a bit high. Yeah.

And I'll be honest, the Aer Lingus staff were like, you could tell there would be a wee bit arsey with people and that wee bit short. And there's this one guy that I could see was three rows down and he was getting livid. Like clearly, like he'd realised he's missed his connecting flight. And he was starting to become a problem. And he had a wee red wine, one of the wee bottles of red wine. And nothing was complimentary, so he paid for it.

And he got up to go to the toilet for a piss. But in that time, the clean up person had come. I think they saw like that much left in his wine and just picked it up and binned it. So he came back and started complaining. But I had my headphones on. But he was getting animated. I could see him going like, what is this? He's pouring his wine, right? So the woman was like, right, right, right, right. And she went away.

She was like, I'll go get you another wine. But then she went to go get wine and we hit really bad turbulence. So everybody was bound to their seat for 20 minutes. So I could see he was like fizzing, like he was about to get his replacement wine and now everybody's had to go and sit down again. Yeah, that bit of turbulence was fucking naughty as well, wasn't it? Yeah, I was like a rollercoaster kind of thing. That was a scary flight today. It was three or four patches of horrible turbulence. Makes you realise like,

I am an atheist, but as soon as your belly goes on a plane, you go, oh, please. So then he was getting more and more pissed off. Eventually, she brought over his wee wine, calmed him down a bit. And then a different guy came 10 minutes after that to get, like, we were about to start the descent. So he came and he was grabbing all the stuff.

And the guy was, he had a big bin bag for everybody's rubbish. Gash bag you can't let me in. Aye, aye, aye. A gash bag. Gash bag, that's what I can't let in. Really? He had a big gash bag. Gash bag, uh-huh. And then he was also carrying above the gash bag, it was like Aer Lingus branded like tubs. It must be for, it looked like maybe what they keep like the wee milks or something in. Yeah. But they were plastic Tupperware tubs.

And he was carrying... I put syringes in. Aye, something like that. By your shops. Yeah, yeah. And he was carrying like four of them stacked up on each other. And it just so happened that that wee guy that had been shouting at the women, he turned round and the top one toppled off the tower and fucking hit the boy right in the head. Anyway.

It's raging. Kick them off again. Little angry bald man. It doesn't take much to wind up a little bald man, does it? But little bald man are already ready to go. They're already worn tight. Life's hit them hard. I used to work, like, I've worked a bunch of stuff, but I used to work occasionally doing, like, construction stuff. I remember being on a building site

And like, there was a wee spark that was winding everybody up. A wee ultrasound that was just like, it was like five foot five. Every story ended in him knocking someone out. Knocking someone who was getting the rest of the guy. And it was like, there was a, one of the joiners was like this absolute. He's his own hype man. Aye, aye, exactly. Get his reputation up. Every story, he was the hero of his own story. And it was like, everyone was just getting sick of working with him. And one of the,

but one of the joiners was like an actual lump, like six foot four, but like gentle giant. And I remember he just shut that wee sparky up. One day he was like, you know, see if us big cunts,

were half as aggressive as you wee cunts. There'd be none of you wee cunts left. Amazing. It's really poetic as well. I would stamp the lorries. A little fucking mini-genocide. Oh, what would you call that? A mid-genocide. A mid-genocide. A mid-genocide. A mid-genocide. That sounds nice, though. It does. It sounds like a resort. But I...

But it's so funny that like, because the first guy, the guy that dropped the thing didn't know about the wine debacle.

So I just think it's so funny to accidentally drop a piece of Tupperware on a guy's head and then for the guy to go mental. - Just instantly guys mental. He doesn't realise that like you're the straw that broke the camel's back. He's been pissed off by everyone along the way. When you just come along and just slammed him. - And he was bald, the wee guy as well. Like he was a wee bald guy. - So he better dunk. - And I saw it. It was the corner like fell from the top of his head.

But I was so tempted getting off the plane to just lay a wee slap on his wee ball of hair, just as the final straw. Just keep picking on him. Just get right, everyone chuck a little bit of something on him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just niggle away at him. Gonna go home and grind him down. He's gonna go home and put a bat on his wife. He's not, he's missed his connection. Yeah. He's busy swinging from behind the bathroom door in one of these hotel rooms. So good, man. I've seen some...

I've seen some mad shit in airports and planes. You're catching people at their worst. Oh yeah. I, I was, I was Mr. Dacus. I was like, I was having a fucking like text argument regarding business with someone while on a flight. He was trying to start a gang. He was trying to start a gang and people weren't interested because he didn't club cars anymore.

And I actually just identified that I haven't had a coffee all day because I'm fucking whitening my teeth. Yeah, yeah. So I'm wearing these fucking rubber retainers that you put little dabs of bleach in and rub it in and make sure it doesn't get onto your gums and make sure you don't swallow any because you'll die. So I had that, meaning that I can't have...

red wine, all the good shit, beetroot. Yeah. It's very disconcerting when you're grumpy from not having coffee and you turn around and see you putting a gum shield in. Oh, my eyes looking ready to go. That grumpy man's got a lovely smile. Yeah.

And then I was like, on a flight, that was late. I was just like, oh, just self-diagnose. Deal with that tomorrow. That's not something for you to get angry about. I was actually proud of you. You identified, you were like, I'm really angry and pissed off at the minute.

we should not do this podcast as soon as we get to the hotel that would have just been me winching about that fucking text conversation yeah that's how that would have been it wouldn't have been a fun one I was like give us a new hour if you want I'll meet you in the gym but I'm going to go out for a run then we went to the gym and just listened to that guy have a phone call with his missus we've been good at that we'll fucking let the wheels come off the bus day one and went alright we'll just be going to the gym and looking after ourselves we've actually been on it we've been alright like

especially in this line of work Matt it's the only job in the world you get to work and the people who've hired you ask you if you want a pint aye yeah it's great isn't it it's mad so the fact that we're like aye the wheels are vaguely we have drank every single day but moderately yeah like an airport pint and then a pint at the gig

Aye. Steady away. But we've been at the gym and that, and we haven't been tourists in any respect in four days. It's been really embarrassing how little we've seen him. I mean, to be fair, you saw plenty of Berlin. I showed you Berlin, Connor. I really did. There's not a bit of Berlin that you left unturned. You're sick of Berlin. You know, Berlin is such a sex-positive city. I reckon that guy...

thought that we thought maybe he was some kind of fake taxi situation we were just going to keep hiring him like by fair four he was like fine I'll come back and suck his ass off he was gay wasn't he I don't know I didn't pick up on that did I pick up on it nah

I picked up on that he was gay my gay dog was flashing with a text I think you picked up on that because he helped us with our suitcases this guy must be gay he's being nice to us

Oh no, I didn't pick up on that. But I have been told I've got terrible gaydar before. Have you? Aye. By this guy that was shagging me up the arse. Did you get let into a gay bar that a gay person didn't get let into? Did I remember that right? Oh yeah, yeah. You've been to Berlin before? Yeah, in Berlin. I was almost going to get in. Larry Dean got held back. Larry Dean was like, you're not gay, mate. For not looking gay enough. Come on, in you get. Aye, aye, aye. One of our regulars. Aye, aye, aye.

Matt, you're not getting into those clubs unless you're wearing like fetish gear though. It's impossible. Right. And I'm, I, I, look, I'm only 30, but I'm like, I'm a prude. I am a prude man. Like, especially for being a comedian and that, like I'll talk about sex on stage and stuff, but like,

there's certain things where I'm like I don't need to see it man I don't need to see it oh like I think I'm not a prude until I hear gay guys talking about sex you just realise you're a homophobic prude maybe I talk like that if more women talk like that aye yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that graphic? Is that graphic? Oh, no way. Because, like, of course it's like that. It's two dudes talking about sex. Yeah, because there's no filter on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody's going to cap that already then. I'll bring it back. Of course. Of course. Yeah. That's just like a live group chat happening. Yeah.

But I also like, I'm always like, I've been in gay bars with my fiance and that. Because I don't care what anyone says, man. There's a weird section of guys who are like, you went to a gay bar?

Mate, some of the best nights... Where you're the guys we're trying to avoid going there. Some of the best nights out you'll have that no one knows how to party all your days. The music's good. They stay up longer. And everyone's just in a better mood. Always up in late. And do you know what? Every now and then, if someone throws you a wee glance and tries to flirt with you...

Suck them off? Aye. It's the least you can do. I'm not getting any of it. You know what I mean? I kind of made him wipe my teeth. Aye. Yeah. Have you had a coffee today? I'm getting a taste of coming through. But I've been told by gay people, oh, you know that guy was really hitting on you. And I'm like, oh, I just thought he was sound. I was just having a conversation with a nice man. How many of you met at all? Aye.

I kind of pick up on it. I'm not good at that. I just assume people are nice. I remember me and my mates, my mate used to go out with a girl who was a manager at a gay club. So a couple of times at the end of a night out, we'd go there and wait for her to finish her shift. And she'd sort us out with drinks while we were waiting and stuff. And it's a famous gay bar in Edinburgh called CC Blooms. And there's over the road for that as a chippy. So it was like kicking out time, half three, half four.

we're all 19 or 20 we're all smashed so we go over the road so it's just the last few people filing out of the gay clubs and like us and a few other people from pubs and there's one chippy left so we all go over to the chippy and

we're chatting away and this gay guy starts like really aggressively kind of flirting with me oh and the chippy and al he's like last chance this you just want to get home alone at 19 as well I was such a this is apparently in the 93rd minute this at 19 I was such like a little twink as well like I just left I just left high school I just lost a load of weight and I know he was looking at me with hunger in his eyes and er

because I was with my mates I was just winding the boy up a bit like laying him on but it was funny though so I had a sausage supper and we were standing inside and someone had left half a sausage supper on the windowsill of the chippy and the guy came over and he was like come on give me a bit and I was like nah mate I've just fucking paid for my food leave me alone

and then he like turned his back and he was like give me a bit and I picked up the sausage off the man and he's like oh it's freezing and I went aye mate I've just picked it up done it's so funny yeah it's done aye mate it's just been lying on that window so give him a little bit of cold sausage aye that scared him off but em just off and went home alone aye nah but I've never understood that it's such a weird macho thing to be like I'll never step foot in a gay car it's like actually quite childish

That's ridiculous. You've still got your schoolyard, your gay thing. You think you're so irresistible that the second you step foot in a gay bar, you're going to be fighting guys. He probably would still. That's probably what's going to happen. So yeah, we've got to wrap this up now because we've got a flight in the morning. We've had an hour. I reckon we should use this last minute to just plug what Dublin shows because we're in Dublin now because this show's meant to be in Dublin.

Like we had the flights booked, the show was in, you've got your tickets and I got moved to a different date, to a different venue while I was on holiday. So I come back off my holiday and just got told that Dublin's been moved. So it's in the 30th of January now, but we're still in Dublin and you're also doing it. I'm going to be there on the 26th of January, which is a Sunday. I'm going to be at Workmen's Club. We're both at the same venue, 26th and 30th. So yeah, you do it in the space of a few days. So what days are they then of the week?

I'm there on a Sunday. So that means I must be there on a Thursday. Wednesday, Thursday. Yeah, Wednesday, Thursday. So come and have yourselves a good week in January with me and Connor on separate days as well. Class. And I think Daniel's going to do the next podcast, so subscribe to Perrion. And oh, by the way, sorry, well worth plugging, I am also about to go on my biggest UK tour. It's my second UK tour, but it's bigger than the first one, so it's my biggest UK tour.

so yeah I'm going all over the place so chances are wherever you are in the UK I'll be gigging near you throughout January, February or March so just look me up on social media Conor Burns on social media 2 N's 2 O's Conor Conor Burns cheers mate thanks man