HOW DOES OCD SEDUCE US? ft. Adam Strauss
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Welcome to Guys We Fuck, the anti-slut-shaming podcast. Yo, you having sex? I'm Christina Hudson. I'm Corinne Fisher. The choice to slutty, your horny, and your shame.

Hey, you a slut? Yes. Okay. Let's talk about fucking. Hello, fuckers. Welcome to another episode of Guys We Fucked. It's the anti-slut-shaming podcast. I'm Corinne Fisher. I'm Christina Hutchinson. Welcome to the show. Our email address if you want to send us your problems. Sorry about last night's show at gmail.com. Today's subject line, am I being stalked or is this a weird coincidence? Hmm.

Hi, guys. Been listening since 2016. Hello, OG. Can't thank you both enough for everything you've taught me. I look forward to listening every week and try to spread the word about the podcast as much as possible so we can all be healed of our dumb bitchery. Thank you. You're doing the Lord's work. Now on to my issue. Am I being stalked?

I have had the same occurrence happen several times and it happened again today, leaving me a little creeped out. Don't ignore that creep. Yeah. Last summer I went to target to pick up some random items I ran out of and had an odd interaction with a stranger. I don't like this.

I was minding my own business in an aisle when a man walked up to me and complimented my shoes. I don't like that. I don't like that either. I was actually pleasantly surprised. Eric doesn't like that either. I was actually pleasantly surprised. Oh, you fell for it. Because it was one of the first times a guy has said something nice about my appearance or outfit without it being sexual. Yeah, that's why your little siren should have gone off. I love your shoes, little lady.

Yeah. You know, like that's what he said. That's what he said in his head. I thanked him, but very quickly realized I was wrong and it did in fact turn sexual. Surprise, surprise. There we go. Right after I told him I appreciated it, he started walking past me and said, I bet you have pretty feet.

I show. Oh, guys, guys, always got to make it so weird. Got foot guys. Just shut the fuck up about it until the right. Like you got it. Discernment discern feet. People don't have discernment. Yeah. They really don't. A foot fetish is fine, but you don't do it when you're like walking in flip flops down Broadway. Yeah. Be smart about it. Okay. Cause like you can have your cake and eat it too. If you use discernment anyway, um, right after. Okay. So he said,

Right after I told him I appreciated it, he started walking past me and said, I bet you have pretty feet under those nice shoes, too. Equally bad the second time. Yep. It really caught me off guard because, like I said, I thought maybe I was in the clear and he wasn't trying to be creepy. How Christina of you. I was about I went about my day and told a few friends about this weird experience, almost laughing it off.

I didn't think about it again until earlier this year when the same thing was said to me a couple months ago at a local Harris Teeter. You gotta stop going to stores, I guess. I was wearing sneakers again, alone picking up groceries when a man came up to me, a different fucking guy, and complimented my shoes. Yeah, do you have like tiny feet or something? Because like to have the...

I get comments on my feet a lot, but when they're out of my shoe, right? Like not ever get comments on my feet. Maybe felt fetish guys love tiny. It's a small foot thing too. Yeah. I mean, not that a big foot on a woman is hot. I don't have big feet, but it makes sense because men like child children because they're disgusting. Right. Eric.

Is that right, Eric? Right. We love kids, Eric. You're so right about that. Clip it. Clip it. Okay. I was wearing sneakers again, alone, picking up groceries. A man came behind me, complimented my shoes. Like before, I thanked him. Don't. Stop doing that.

Stop. You don't have to thank him. And as he walked past me in the aisle leaving me, he said he thought I would have pretty feet under in my shoes. Okay. Either these are some lame ass foot fetishes that all have the same fucking line or like, I guess that wasn't the same guy. She feels, I feel like she's like a four and a half shoe or something. Like something like really teeny. Oh God. Yeah. Man, I don't know.

It kind of made me double take, but this time I just kind of froze and for some reason said thank you. Yeah, you weren't, you're thinking brain was off. I have no idea why it just came out of my mouth. And before I could really process, he was gone. I thought this was super strange and remembered the first time. At this point, I thought it was a coincidence. A month ago, the same Harris Teeter,

oh there's something going on that harris teeter yeah or or your town man um or you have like size two feet uh a month ago at the same harris teeter the same comment was made to me and i react girl you gotta hide those feet from the world i guess and i reacted the same way now again today at the same harris teeter what's a fucking hair is that a craft store like what yeah i'm like what do they sell at harris teeter like what kind of cracker teeter

I don't think it's a restaurant. It's groceries. It's a grocery store. It's groceries. It's like Food Lion. That's right. Okay. They have them in Virginia. Now again, at the same Harris Teeter, it happened again. Oh, I've been to one of those. Except this time I reacted a bit differently. I saw a man approaching me in the aisle. I would just start running. And he complimented my shoes. What?

I'm freaked out. This is weird. It might be the same guy. Maybe that's what she's getting to. Maybe. As he was walking away, he made the comment about my feet and I span around to look at him very clearly. I asked, have I seen you before? Okay. He looked very caught off guard and gave me a confused look. I repeated myself and reiterated, have you said that to me before? This is not the first time someone has said this to me recently. Right. Especially because it's in the same store. It's just like, is he just loitering in the Harris Teeter? I think he might be.

Um, his response was, I am sorry. I'm not trying to scare you. Nothing scarier than that. Nope. A man who wants to scare you is going to say something like that shit. The only appropriate response to that question was no. Even if it's a bold face lie. Yep. Yep. Yep. Just like how you should lie about liking feet a little bit more. You know what I mean? Uh, his response was, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to scare you. His demeanor was very calm. Yeah.

But almost too nice. And it made my gut feel a little sick. I got another look and started walking away. Okay, so maybe the first couple times you didn't really look at the guy, which I've done before. Like, the guy will talk to me. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks.

Since then, I have been walking around being extra alert and aware of my surroundings, curious if this is some insane coincidence or if this has to be the same person and I may be getting stalked. To answer a couple of potentially obvious questions. I mean, the fact that you don't like, I mean, you have no idea if it's a

same person, you gotta be more aware of your surroundings, girl. You're gonna get kidnapped. Yeah, yeah. That's the number one thing that sticks out to me so far. Because there should be a similar vibe, energies, voice. Yeah, voice alone. Are you getting stalked or is this a guy that hangs out in the Harris Teeter and says this to women as they walk down the aisles? Or are your feet just...

So delicious. Yummy licky toes. Delicious. Sorry I said that. Or are you one of those like hypebeast people who where you have like expensive tennis shoes on all the time, which that could be the only reason. So she's asking for it. I'm not saying you're asking for it. She's a feet slut. If you've got off whites on, you're going to get a bunch of hypebeast dudes be like, oh, dude, sick shoes. I wish I even knew what.

I don't know what any of those words you said are. Hypebeast? Like the hypebeast kind of guys where they're very into streetwear. Yeah, okay. Yeah, if they got the shoes with the quotations and it's got the zip tie on it. I guess we would have to know. We need to know more about this guy to know if he's a hypebeast or just a beast. Yeah, probably the second one.

The first few. OK, so to answer a couple of potentially obvious questions, the first few times this happened, I didn't get a good look at who said it to me. I mean, second, third time you got to make. I think it was just my response to to freeze in fear, especially the second and third time, because I was confused and replaying the previous situations. OK, so you weren't present while this was happening. OK, I get that today when it happened.

I got a really good look. And from the little memory I have of the other times, I couldn't rule out that it's not the same person, but I can't guarantee it is. I think it is. Foot sleuthing. Yeah. The person today was the same ethnicity and didn't have any particularly outstanding features, which is what I vaguely remember from before. The only thing that stood out to me was what he was wearing. The first time at Target, I remember the person dressed a little more casual, like a t-shirt and jeans or something along those lines. The only thing that stood out to me was what he was wearing.

The person today was dressed like he was on his lunch break stopping by from work. Yeah, because he's up in his game. This is what he does on his lunch break. He goes to have a teeter and he compliments feet.

Yeah. I like that guy. He multitasks. Yeah, it's true. A couple birds, one stone. It was more professional attire. I looked for tattoos and took note of his height. But again, I don't remember enough from the first instance to be able to tell. Okay, so I know... Like, I am very in tune with a voice. Yeah. I could be watching... I could hear a cartoon playing three apartments down and go, oh, that's the voice from Lil on the Rugrats. You know what I mean? Like, I don't... So...

So maybe next time to pay attention to the voice. I now, okay, number two, I now try to avoid that Harris Teeter. Girl, don't change your life, but also don't die. But unfortunately, my doctor had sent my prescriptions to the wrong pharmacy. And because of what I take and a national shortage schedule of drug, it's Adderall, I am not able to just have it transferred to another, although I tried to last week. I definitely won't be going back again.

especially alone, but sometimes out of convenience, I just need to run. And I don't think about this when I'm running errands until now. I'm definitely will moving forward. Should I be concerned? Is it possible that this is a coincidence or is this just, I mean, there's no coincidences girl, or is this me just trying to stop myself from being super freaked out? What precautions can I take to make sure I am safe other than avoiding these stores, especially alone? I mean, I would just take out my camera phone and start filming them.

Just in case. But I mean, and also like, I never want people to be too casual when it comes to men, but, uh, to live your life. He, he being like, there's lots of creeps in the world. He has, he has, I usually kill. He hasn't done anything. Yeah. You know, he's like, yeah, it's like, he's like a sex pest. I would describe him as right. But like, he's not right. This is not a threat to you. And also I gotta be honest.

They like the fear. So if they smell the fear on you, it's going to like this is so sick, but he's going to enjoy it more. So you can't let him know that you're scared, even if you are scared. Yeah. I would just literally start filming him. Yeah. Start filming him next time. He comes out, talk to him. Sorry. Could you say that again? Yeah. He's not going to say it again, but like, just let him know, like, motherfucker. I know. Yeah. Stop it. Yeah. Okay. Since it happened today, I have had a weird feeling, probably paranoia, checking over my shoulder that I'm not being followed or watched.

I ordered pepper spray a couple and told a couple immediate friends who all think it may be something serious. Okay. I don't know about that. Please don't pepper spray a guy in a Harris Teeter because he compliments your feet. You're going to lose that case. I wish we could pepper spray men after they say, I bet you have nice feet under those shoes. Yeah.

We can't. No, we can't. Don't get in jail, Bill. Yeah. Any advice would be appreciated. I know that the authorities seem to not really take much action until it's too late. Well, this is out of proportion, right? You're catastrophizing. Yeah, this is completely out of proportion. The authority. People say women can't tell stories. Yeah, that's right. The authorities. What are we talking about? He's a foot fetishist who has no fucking game. Yeah, this is not. There's nothing to tell the authorities. No.

Fast forward. You go to the police station. This guy's getting cuffed. You go up to the desk. It's finally your turn. Hi, ma'am. How can I help you? This little piggy went to market. And didn't feel safe. That's not what the cops are for. Yeah. No, no, no, no. No, no. I think it's fine. Oh, boy. You can avoid the Harris Teeter. That's fine. But also a white email. Yeah.

after this one of the whitest god you said it we've ever gotten on that show that listen men are men are dangerous and and and this is this is a i totally hear you that you feel extremely uncomfortable and even in a way violated but like yeah don't don't call the cops and also like yeah you can like feel but i always also am worried about

telling women to get, get confrontational with men. Cause I just don't fucking trust them to not do something violent. Oh yeah. Well, I guess filming is confrontational. That's the only thing I worry about that. But yeah, let's like get your, like move away from the situation. Also like being loud. I think it was like a lot of times when we are in a situation that makes us uncomfortable as women, we're quiet and nothing men hate more than a loud woman. Be loud. That's a good tactic. That's a die. Five one Oh one. Yeah. Get away from me. Excuse me, miss.

I do it all the time. I'll just, I like if people like cat caught me in a way that makes me feel like sexually violated, like if they were talking about camel toe or something like, or, or toes, I don't like either. I'll just be like, women don't like getting talked to like that. And I also, you always keep it moving. No eye contact. Don't look back. Don't stop. Don't engage. I like to keep it moving and say something loud. Keep it moving. Keep it grooving. Love that. Yeah. Yeah.

And also if you're really worried about it, just make sure there's no, you don't go to like a parking lot or something and there's like a bag attached to your tire or there's like a ribbon on your car or something. What the fuck? I wasn't even concerned about that. What does that mean? Whoa, a bag? Why is that a bag? Have you ever heard that? No, I mean, I know like people do the Apple tracking devices on the cars. That's usually people who know you. Oh yeah. That's fucked up. You got to read more about obsessive boyfriends. Yeah. Whoa. Oh,

Wait, what's in the bag though, Eric? The bag and the ribbon thing are like human trafficking. Yeah, like you... Yeah, I've heard of the ribbon. I've heard of the ribbon on the rear view mirror or something. Yeah, if you get a ribbon on like your mirror or like a... I like that we're solving this girl's minor issue by making it into sex trafficking. He's probably just trying to traffic you, girl. I'm just saying like if you see that, don't go to your car. Go back to the store. Also too, it's a grocery store. There's a manager. You can also say, hey, this is...

is why I think you should take a photo of them or get footage like they have security footage this guy keeps complimenting on my feet sexually and it's the third time this has happened and so I would always appreciate it yeah like I don't think they're gonna have a problem banning that guy from the store put a little photo that says he's gonna say something about your toes this is the town that's funny Eric Eric good job

Uh, yeah, cool. Thanks for, thanks for writing. Hope that helps. Uh, sign up for my Patreon. Once a week I do group zoom therapy. It's Sherapy and, the voices in our heads, uh, is my solo podcast. And I think this is coming out in September and I don't have a date just yet, but check my Instagram because once a month starting in the fall, I'm going to be doing live Colin shows with a reputable medium. So you can call into the studio. Uh, and if you have a dead person you want to connect to, uh,

Let's fucking try it. You know, let's go. Voices in our heads. Patreon.com slash Christina Hutchinson. I like that you said reputable medium. Oh yeah. Cause they're not all reputable. Some people want to be a medium, but that doesn't count. Right. The want doesn't make it. So there's nothing that pisses me off more than someone saying they have a fucking gift and they don't.

Oh, it's not. Don't do that to me. That's blue ball. That's how you really blue ball me. I do not like that. And I will not like you for the rest of my life. You know, you're really mad at you. Honestly, if you want to watch my political show, it's called Without a Country. We live stream on YouTube every Wednesday at 9 p.m. Eastern.

This week, we finally got my favorite. One of my favorite followers on Instagram on the show at cult expert. It's Dr. Stephen Hassan. He is the world's leading expert on cults. He himself escaped a cult and now works to get other people out of mind control situations. It was absolutely fascinating. So that's on YouTube now if you want to check it out. And then two shows. So I have the Tiger Tour, Salt Lake City.

Utah, September 26th with Chloe LaBranch. Make sure to check that out. Tickets available at CorinneFisher.com or at the Linktree link in my bio. And then, uh, Los Angeles, Wednesday, October 16th. I'm going to do a Halloween, uh, version of Gash. We haven't done Gash in a while. So I'm doing Gash at the Comedy Store on Wednesday, October 16th. Um,

I don't even know the time yet, but by the time it comes out, the tickets will be on sale. Oh, I think maybe it's at 7 p.m. So check that out. Those tickets usually go pretty fast, and it'll be a super fun show. That's my horror-themed show, if you guys don't remember. Again, all tickets available at the Linktree link in my bio at philanthropygal or at corinnefisher.com. Yay, together we're guys who fucked without the U and fucked. I'm at Christina Hutch. I'm at philanthropygal. I'm at Eric Freddy. I'm at Eric Freddy.

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With savings up to 30% off and fast carbon neutral shipping, you get top trusted groceries at your door. And you can stop worrying about what your kids get their hands on. Start shopping at thrivemarket.com slash podcast for 30% off your first order and a free gift. I know this is like, you know, we're recording this like over a month in advance. Because we're finally organized. I know. Isn't that fun? Look at us. I love being organized. Oh my God. It makes me feel like I'm worth something. But man, this shit about Kamala.

What about her? But the people... Like, I keep asking people who don't like her, why? Give me articles. Because she's a woman. Because she... Yes, she...

Christina, that's the easily solvable. But, but, but like, I'm like, then fucking say that. You know what I mean? Like I saw a conversation on Twitter. No, no, I saw a conversation on Twitter that was just hourly sexist like that. That was like, basically was like conservative men questioning a man's, um,

who would feel comfortable voting for a woman for president. We still have that energy and it's palpable in this country and it's disgusting. Yeah. And it's, but I, but I've, I've come across men and women that say, I don't like her. I don't like her. Okay. Why give me something specific. And this is not a, well, give me exact proof in the art. No, but just literally, like literally give me one good reason why you don't like her. I don't like, damn motherfuckers just walking around this planet saying they don't like something without,

actually interrogating themselves. Do I like this thing? Welcome to my life. Welcome to being me. That's so fucking annoying. Not, not, not the way, the way people react to me. Right. Right. I go, well, I mean, listen, there's many reasons not to not like me, but actually give me a good one. Right. Right. That's true. I'd love to hear it. Yeah.

You make me feel bad about myself. Which I guess is what she's doing to people. But I'm like, well, and also in this election, it's like, okay, even if you don't like her, you like Donald Trump more. Right. This is this, this one, when we're going for either, either,

or in this scenario. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. There was a, like, Jon Stewart did a fucking fantastic montage of a bunch of people, mostly at Fox News, but, like, Megyn Kelly saying Kamala slept her way to the top. Ben Shapiro saying, well, who did she sleep with? Oh, God. A bunch of fucking Fox News shows saying, like, she was the original Hawk Tua girl. One motherfucking cunt on Fox News said that, and I was like...

be on the same panel as me let's go fucker that's interesting because also because there's this like problem in society where black women are so often hyper sexualized yeah well she's being that's interesting she doesn't have kids so she's a witch she's not white so she's a witch she's yeah she's yeah she's one guy was like I don't she doesn't learn no it was Trump said she doesn't like Jews she's married to one I didn't hear that

She's married to a Jewish man. And her top pick for VP is Josh Shapiro. Oh, is it? Damn it. I thought it was going to be Buttigieg. I fucking love him. I don't think Josh Shapiro is a good choice because I actually don't think it's a good time to go with a Jewish person, especially because he's been so openly pro-Israel. No, I don't think so either.

Um, it's not a good time for our people, but, uh, yeah, I like Andy Bashir from, uh, Kentucky. That's my, that's my pick. But I have been diligently trying to research what, like what are, cause look, if you're a politician already, I'm like, you know,

you're getting, something's going to be up the power, something with power or corruption, all this stuff. But there's all these rumors circulating around her that then were completely debunked, like putting a black man in jail for marijuana. Uh, there's thousands or hundreds of black men had went to jail because of her marijuana policies. But then you actually research it. And there's a lot of people on Instagram sharing like the debunked, uh, stat. It was 45 and like,

like a couple of years time. So it's like, okay. Well, and unfortunately when you're, when you are a politician in a country like America, that is so racist. Like, I don't think that it would be possible that you wouldn't have been part of some kind of policy that would have harmed black Americans. It's almost impossible. If you were in the government in America, you are doing that without trying to do that. It's the same thing. Uh,

as, as black police officers, you go, man, that's fucked. Yeah. Yeah. And the only thing I can find about that, that's a, that's a thumbs down in my research. She's too cool. She's corny. Oh no, she's corny. She's less corny than other plant plant of other politicians. And the one thing Trump has going for him is, I don't think he means to be this funny, but he is fucking funny. No, he is funny. But I think the thing is, uh,

because Kamala is such a strong woman, um, she's doing this. I'm sure. And I'm sure she's been trained by her camp to like overcorrect. And it comes out as corny because, because it's not genuinely who she is. And so she's trying to be smiley and make jokes and stuff. And it,

comes across as corny because it's fucking disingenuous. She's like, what the fuck do I have to do for you to like, for all of you guys not to. It's a song and dance. It's a whole song and dance that she's doing when all she really wants to do is create policy and, you know, lead. Yeah. And she has to be smiling and doing little stupid dances because we can't, weak as a society, find strong women who just are getting things done unpalatable. And,

But then on top of that, you add the race factor. The strong black woman, or she's half black, half Indian. And then when you add the race thing, it's like, man, I've been hearing narratives since forever about how black women... Women have to be perfect in order to not get a little...

uh, criticize black women have to be even more perfect. And the shit that gets said about her fucking race. Excellence is expected of you. Yeah. And like, Oh, with the Olympics and Simone Biles, who was like, Jesus Christ, the amount of skill level that that woman has. And then the amount of the same show that was playing montages of Fox news people just shitting on Kamala for no reason was also playing, uh, old footage, uh, after Simone, uh,

quit in quotes from the Tokyo Olympics saying how she was lazy. This is not a role model behavior. She was having like a mental guys, but she did the straw. She did the strongest thing that a lot of us are not capable of doing, which is going, I'm actually not going to let my ego win here. And I'm going to take care of myself and make a decision that it coincides with that goal of taking care of myself and not giving a fuck.

I mean, you still can't not give a fuck. She can do whatever she wants to do. It's her career. It's ultimately, it's her career she's affecting. We act like, we act like the, like the Olympics, like affects us as a country. It does not. No, it doesn't. But we can learn a lot from how other people treat it. It doesn't fucking matter.

It's like to their careers it matters. Yeah. And like yesterday, I think there was like a runner who I believe won the first gold for St. Lucia. Yes. And that was a big deal because they had never won. So it was a sense of – or a source of pride for St. Lucia. But like –

It doesn't matter for America. No, but like it's, but what I love about the Olympics and I think sports in general is like, oh, like you, you did, you put your mind to it. You practice for a long amount of like years and years and years. And like now we get to see you do your thing in a circumstance that would make most of us shit our pants because of the nerves alone.

And so it's really, yeah. I mean, I can't even do a handstand. I can't even do cartwheel. Do I do them anyway? Yeah. But I sprain my sides. You sprain your sides? Yeah, I did that once. I was like, damn. Where? I love cartwheels. In your stomach area? Yeah. Oh, wow. But they're still so fun. We get it, Eric. You work out. Mr. Oblique over there. We've seen all your shirts off content lately on Instagram. We get it.

Oh, you do? Really? Oh, he's good for you. He keeps doing shirt off content. Sorry to... Shirt off Saturday. Oh, yeah. You should do it. You might as well pick a day of the week. Yeah. Or you could do shirt off Saturday. I used to do Sunday, Monday. Do shirt off Saturday. Shirt off Saturday is hilarious. You're welcome, Eric. Where I shit myself and then my shirt off? Yeah. Yeah. You rub fecal matter all over your chest.

I'm a big boy. That guy from Harris Teeter is going to love that. Yeah. Until you get kicked off. Show them toes. How are you doing, Crim? Oh, great. Hell yeah. That's good. I mean, nothing's happening in life. Just nothing. I fucking hate that. I hate when nothing happens. It's a bad sign when you're so bored. You're like, I almost wish my dad was dying again so I had something to do.

That's not totally, that's not great. I know what you mean. I felt very, I have had, I had a huge sense of purpose during that time. There was something to do. There was something to do. There was a goal. I had a duty. I had a goal. Yeah. I did not achieve it. Um, you know, but yeah, I mean, I'm also not a doctor, so, but yeah, no, I mean just, I go literally just not the, it feels like the universe is like,

just you're supposed to not be doing something right now and I go am I? Dude that sucks. I like yeah when the times in my life where I'm like what it's just stagnant energy of like absolutely nothing. It's not like bad things are happening but like good's happening so basically that's a bad thing. Right. Yeah I hear you. Just go this is

couldn't it go on like text an ex or something, make it interesting. No, no, no, no, no. I think that the, I think the universe is texting me to, cause for after I got on my fucking, uh, uh, soapbox, uh, several months back about not getting into relationships that are uninteresting to me. So I, so I think this is the test right now. I am, I am in a space of boredom and I cannot go to relationships. I must turn to art instead. Yeah.

I love that. Yeah. So I, so I, I have not, I mean, I went on riot just to see what, you know, what was going on. Yeah. But I didn't, I'm, I'm most likely not going to go, but you know, I, I believe me like the feeling past you're like, Oh, should I text someone? And you're like, no, that's what, this is a trick.

this is a trick from the universe and I'm not, and I'm not falling for it. Yeah. And that's great because then your energy is not being like, it's not leaking onto those types of activities. So then you're going to have it to focus on something more exciting. Yeah. No, it's a waste of time. Yeah. Well, next year we'll be at the Emmys, so it'll be fine.

enjoy the boredom honestly enjoy it we're gonna be so busy at the Emmys uh yeah because of all the rewards okay you know who else is a busy guy our guest that's correct yes he is a stand-up comedian and a beautiful writer and a beautiful storyteller ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the show Adam Strauss

Hello, everybody. We are here with comedian and writer Adam Strauss. So happy to have you. Yeah, thanks for having me. It's great to be here. Yeah, you're so sweet. Your vibe is really, I love it. Have we met before? I don't know. I was, I'm almost sure we have, but it's this general, like being in the same broad, general New York standup universe. So I couldn't think of a specific occasion, but I'm sure. But I think it's been a long time since we've

like overlapped in the space-time continuum. Yeah, okay, cool. Well, happy to have you here and to get to know you better. Corinne was telling me that we're really interested in kind of diving into this one particular topic of OCD, specifically how it permeates into relationships. And you were talking before, which I learned something new today, there is a specific type of OCD you can get diagnosed with called relationship OCD. Okay.

So what say you to that, Adam? - Yeah, and in fact, it's so common that it actually has its own acronym now, which is ROCD. - ROCD, nice. - And part of me, I have a lot of skepticism and concern about the general sort of Western approach to mental health where everything is pathologized. And it's like, this is a discrete diagnosis that you qualify or don't qualify for because I think-- - So rigid. - Yeah, exactly. And I think so much of this exists on a spectrum.

Having said that, I think diagnoses can also be liberating when you realize, A, certainly when I was diagnosed with OCD. And the form I was diagnosed with was not relationship OCD. What was it? So it's a subtype called decision-making OCD. And yeah, my story, I could trace sort of a little bit of it because it does actually relate to the relationship thing. Okay.

It seems like people with OCD fall into two camps. Some people will say, I was born with it, or from my earliest memories, I had OCD. And then other people, it often can be traced to a specific, I'll use the word trauma, and it might not be what sometimes people call capital T trauma, not necessarily some horrific, shattering thing, but some sort of trauma.

that caused like a lot of acute distress. And I definitely fall into the latter camp. It was after what I would call a heartbreak. The most significant romantic relationship of my life ended. This was in 2003. We've lived together for about three years at that point. And I didn't cry once. I didn't mourn the relationship in any way. I thought I was fine. Part of my brain was like, oh, this is probably for the best.

But what I did is I almost immediately... I didn't even register it at the time. It wasn't until years later that I realized the correlation. Very soon after this relationship ended, I suddenly...

lost my ability to make decisions, which sounds bizarre, but it just was like almost overnight. And are we talking about little things like what to order at a restaurant and big things? Yeah. Wow, that's frustrating. And it was paralyzing. This episode is going to fucking flare my OCD so bad. I'm excited. Lean in. I wonder if because you didn't grieve it, you know,

normally what is normal there is no normal but uh because you didn't cry and grieve it then your brain was like all right well we're going to use this energy for something and it's going to rob you of your decision making skills and i think part of it is so the way i look at ocd and again i'm not a clinician or professional but i have a lot of firsthand experience and i've talked to a

So it's like widely recognized that OCD is a response to anxiety. The promise of OCD is always at some level, if I can get this thing right, if I can make sure I'm perfectly clean or the stove is off, whatever your symptom manifestation is, it varies from person to person. But if I get it right, then I won't have to feel these unwanted feelings. That's not conscious. But that's sort of, I think, the promise. The way OCD seduces us is this idea that if I get this little thing right...

then everything will be fine. Then I'm a good girl. Yeah. And sometimes it is about moral stuff and ethical stuff. And sometimes it's about... Death. Death, absolutely. Something terrible isn't going to happen to me or a loved one. But it really is about getting some feeling of safety, of certainty, of completion. Yeah. Yeah. And so I think in my case...

things were suddenly very wrong. And I'm gesturing towards my chest because like I say heartbreak, and of course that's a metaphor, but it's almost anatomically. You feel it in your heart. Your heart chakra is broken into pieces. Hell yeah. And I wasn't aware. I was so disconnected from my body generally, because I think this gets into a whole other thing, but I think

There's no real, we're not taught how to experience emotions and sensations in our body. Correct. And I have a theory and may as a, I don't want to mansplain a feminine thing, but I wonder women generally are more connected to that in my experience, uh,

And I wonder if part of it is menstruation. I was just going to say, because we have our period once a month, there are certain bodily sensations that we expect, we anticipate. And for some of us, that can be like not great. Yeah. It's like cramping and stuff like that. And so, yeah, it does force you to be –

looking out for signs in your body much more than you normally would have. The medical industry doesn't really care about us. So we have to be our own doctors. So I think we've just become more attuned to our body's behavior. I'm realizing this now, like, but with men and an erection, that's your thoughts going into your body, but maybe you don't like consciously think of like, whoa, that's cool as it's happening. Right. Yeah. I don't think it's, I haven't, uh,

I mean, it's such a weird thing, erections and genitals. And we could, you know, the fact that this body part suddenly changes and grows. But I guess because it is so weird and such an outlier, other body parts don't do that. They just kind of don't think about it. At least I haven't. Yeah, yeah. And I suppose psychology can influence, you know, whether you get an erection or not. For sure. Yeah.

I guess, thankfully it's something that I haven't had to confront. So I don't think about that. But I think something about pain, especially like menstrual, like once a month,

you can't forget that you have a body. Whereas a man, you have the sort of luxury of just kind of, yeah, I don't, I didn't really ever think about my body prior to this. That's nice. Sounds nice. It was nice, but I think the price I paid, because I, the woman who that relationship ended with, we're still friends. Oh, wow. Yeah. You could be friends with that person? Oh my gosh. Not initially. Okay. Years later.

But she mourned it. And there was this period where we were kind of in touch where she was really in grieving, even though it was her decision. And I was like, I'm fine. I'm fine. Wow. And she got past it and she found another partner. Right. And I, so back to your point, Christina, I think part of what happened was there was this deep heartbreak, this loss, this grief. And,

And so my mind at some level, I believe, was like, well, instead of feeling that, if you figure everything out, if you make the right decision in every moment, everything will be fine. And you won't have to feel that sadness. You won't have to feel that loss. And how old are you at this time? This was – so I was about –

I was 29 when this relationship ended. Interesting. Yeah, I feel like that's so fascinating for it to come up like then. But was that the most intense relationship you've ever experienced? It was. And I don't want to paint the picture that I was like a picture of mental hygiene prior to this. Who is, you know?

I've always been kind of crazy. Like I was, what's your crazy? Well, this is a good question. So from a very, this new show I'm premiering is called something is wrong with Adam Strauss. And part of, I'd say the dramatic question is why am I so crazy? Cause there's no obvious trauma in my history, but from a very early age, um,

I was just like losing my shit, like extraordinarily intense emotions. No idea of how to manage them. My parents who, you know, my mother had me when she was 26, which was not unusual in that generation. But I think of her like trying her damnedest, but like this kid who is just in, at times I was a very joyful kid, but at times in tremendous distress and

- And she'd know what I mean about that. - And she'd never seen a therapist. They grew up in the Bronx. Like this was not in their worldview. - And that can be, like your mom doesn't have to like take a knife to her throat for you to be traumatized by her. Like a mom like doing her best, simply going, that's a big feeling. I don't know what to do about that. So let's just look at this teddy bear. That could traumatize a child and it's no one's, no one's doing anything wrong. You know? So we're so delicate as humans.

I love that point because that's something for a long time I was sort of consumed by. There must be some horrible trauma I've buried. Right. And when I began working with psychedelics, there was this hope, but also this fear of, oh, God, I'm going to see the horrible thing. But there's never been any horrible thing. Yeah. And I think, yeah, exactly what you said, Christina. It could just be a normal, even a very good parent. Inevitably, you know, you have your own.

They're not in my mind. They're out of my body. They're going to do things, you know, they're busy. There's just going to, there's going to be things that are going to inflict pain. And I was probably an unusually sensitive kid, whatever that means. Yeah. I think people can be born extra sensitive for sure. Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot. Yeah. It's a lot of sensitivity and noise and all this. So there was always this stuff and tying into the theme of relationships, the first kind of in hindsight, obvious thing,

specific thing is when I was 12 years old. So I was hitting puberty. I became aware of girls. Girls didn't like me.

even though I was the best Dungeons and Dragons player in fifth grade. It was this great- - Aw, damn, that's a good skill. - I killed it, literally, Hobgoblins, orcs, I was crushing it in D&D. And I started looking in the mirror kind of obsessively. I remember every day after school, just like, I'd spend a half hour staring in the mirror and I was like, "Am I cute?" 'Cause that was the word kids used in fifth grade. "Am I cute?" - Totally, yeah, yeah. - And I came to the conclusion that I was hideously deformed. - Oh.

And this belief dominated my- Damn, dude. And you didn't have anybody to intercept that. You didn't take a poll? So I- Right. I mean, that could have done more damage though. And I was already in therapy because of these incredibly, I'd get in these very intense fights with my mom, but I never told the therapist about this because to me-

I was a very, I was a hyper-logical little kid. What could I, this was just a physical fact. This was not a mental disorder. - You just were deformed and that it is. - My lips specifically, I was convinced that I- - Oh, you told me about this? - Yeah. - What, your lips? - Yeah. I mean, I do have, now I would say voluptuous lips. - Yeah, they're great. - Yeah, I like them now, but at that age,

And I wonder if – I mean there are so many layers here. Maybe it was an externalization of some sense of shame for the fact that –

What I was saying earlier about like the mom could just not know how to handle your big emotion and that could legitimately scar you, but no one's doing anything wrong there. Just as much that, like what you were describing with your mom not knowing how to handle your big feelings, a lot of times kids will subconsciously go, okay, you're not soothing me, so is there something wrong with me? And it's so deep that by the time you get to the mirror at 12, your brain goes, well, there is something wrong with me. Find out what it is so we can feel more in control. It's your fucking lips, right?

You know, or whatever. Yeah. So that feels like good in the moment, even though you're doing more damage to yourself. You couldn't possibly know that at 12, though. And I think there was a satisfaction where it's like, well, at least now I have an answer. Yeah. And this kind of explained everything. This is why things feel wrong. This is why girls don't like me. Yeah. This is why, you know, I didn't really have a lot of friends at that age or any friends, to be frank. Yeah. So it was...

It made narrative sense, but it was also like this sort of, you know, social death sentence in my mind. And so now I know today this is what would be called body dysmorphic disorder, which is part of the OCD spectrum. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. And so when my first, I did, to me, shockingly at the time, I got my first girlfriend when I was 18.

she dumped me largely because my emotions were so intense and like it was never towards her, but I would just be extraordinarily distraught for no reason sometimes. - Did anyone ever, did you ever wonder if you had bipolar disorder? 'Cause a lot of these seem like characteristics, I'm not trying to diagnose you. But it's interesting just because, especially being a comedian, I know many people with bipolar disorder and like, did anyone ever think that you had that?

Well, so when, uh, yeah, so basically when I, so she dumped me, I flipped out. I like punched in a car window and I just couldn't handle my, and I wound up in a mental hospital for two weeks. This is so interesting. You're so gentle. I could never see you doing this. I'm like, that's totally move. I would fucking do it. Why the mental, like, did you put yourself there or did somebody else say? All right. Well, so the whole story is I, I went to a psych ER, um,

she and my best friend, she was going to Smith. So I was visiting her there. Like this was a few weeks after, a few weeks into college. I was going to a different college. I visited her. She dumped me. I freaked out. My best friend drove up, picked me up, dropped me off at my parents' place. I was still freaking out. They brought me into a psych ER and, or brought me to the ER. And they're like, we're going to commit you. And as soon as they said that, I was like, I was like, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. And they're like, are you sure? And I was like, yeah. And they let me go. And then three days later,

And by freaked out, I mean the emotions were so intense, I just couldn't handle it. And so my parents brought me to a mental hospital voluntarily, but once you're in there, you can't leave.

And that's not always a gentle place. Like as somebody, I have very big emotions that a lot of people don't know how to handle. I'm finally learning how to handle them for the first time. But like when you are like that, you need to be approached with curiosity instead of like,

what the fuck? Get him in there. Like, you know, like sometimes people just get so scared over big emotions and it, I don't know if you internalize that as a shameful thing when you would see that mirrored in other people, like that they couldn't handle it. Did you? Certainly with, I mean, I actually never thought about that specifically the way you're putting it, but it does ring true. I think there was a sense with my mother particularly, cause you know, she was the caregiver. My father, you know, was, was there, but, but worked long hours that, that,

that she couldn't handle my emotions and that I was causing her suffering, which I was, but I look at it now as like, it wasn't my fault. Yeah, exactly. Like that's what kids do with parents. And parents suffer. Yeah. Parents suffer emotionally by having kids like blanket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think it was very hard for her because on one hand,

She wanted this to stop because it was hard for her. And clearly I was in distress. I think she didn't want to shame me. But I think shame was an almost inevitable outcome of that, this narrative that she's good. She's a good mom. I'm making her cry a lot. I'm a bad kid. You shamed yourself before anybody else had the opportunity to. And that's a control thing that feels like...

Like I used to ground myself before my parents would because I'm like, I know, I know, ground for two weeks. I'm not going to leave my room. And they're like, what? Okay. And so, yeah, that internalized shit. Kids are really kind of – their nervous system is really fascinating. A child's nervous system is really fascinating because there's a lot of automatic things and processes that happen that just go over the kid's head until you're fucking 40 having a meltdown at an Applebee's or whatever. Yeah, and I think over adults' heads, at least in this society where there's just such –

I mean, I think I can go into a whole rant, but I think psychotherapy can be helpful. But most psychotherapy is just like a brain, the therapist's brain trying to fix the patient's brain. It ignores the 97% of our mass, which is our body, which is where emotions live. And so-

To answer your question in terms of curiosity, when I went to the mental hospital and the bipolar thing, yes, the mental hospital, it was a good mental hospital, but there was a sense of like, okay, you know, we need to keep you under control. But I was assigned to a doctor who is really gifted, really compassionate and curious. Oh, that's great.

And so one of the things he entertained was, could this be bipolar? Right. And I mean, again, I was 18. I don't remember all the details, but I did some tests and it was determined. Briefly, it was thought maybe I had the type of bipolar where you're not really manic, but it's sort of cyclical depression. Right. And also 18 sometimes is a little young to even be diagnosed. Sometimes it doesn't even show itself until like mid-20s. Yeah. Yeah.

So I wasn't diagnosed with that, but I also wasn't diagnosed with OCD. I was diagnosed there with generalized anxiety disorder. God, that's not helpful. I know. I could have said that. We're humans on this earth. I hate that one. Yeah, because it doesn't seem like OCD. I feel like, oh, yeah, when you're saying like there's relief in a diagnosis, like, again, I self-diagnosed when I was 12. I just went to the library and I said, this is not fucking.

And I went through a bunch of books and I just figured it out. And yeah, I remember feeling a lot of relief because I was like just touching a light switch 18 times. I don't see anyone else doing this. This is not normal. But that's great. Okay. So you're diagnosed and then what happens from here? So I got out of the mental hospital and then something amazing happened. I went back to college and I started getting a fair amount of female attention.

And like there was a certain moment. You grew into those lips. Yeah, where I realized like, oh, yeah.

I'm not hideously deformed. Yeah. Yeah, you have to see it mirrored in other people sometimes to go, okay, now I can safely think this about myself. There was this one moment where I was hooking up with this girl in my dorm and her roommate hated me for no good reason, which of course made me desperate to win her roommate's approval, which is, as a comedian, I want to win everyone over. And I remember this conversation

woman, girl, I mean, she was 17 or 18, whatever, who I was, we'd just make out in the laundry room. But she told me, she's like, oh, she's like, something like, yeah, you know, even Tanaz, her roommate who hated me, said like, you're one of the only cute guys in our dorm.

And the fact that someone who didn't like me would concede this, it just like, it switched. I was like, oh, I guess I'm not a horrible monster. Yeah, yeah. That one thing could change the impression you have of yourself for the rest of your life. Totally. And there was this sense of like, oh, now my life, because I had, I think part of the comfort of this, not diagnosis, but this sort of narrative where what's wrong with me is my lips, is it gave me an explanation and a hope that like, well,

or at least I know what's wrong. So now that suddenly this thing isn't wrong, my life is gonna be great, but I still felt this deep feeling of something being wrong and now I didn't know what it was. - Yeah, right, right.

Now I'm wondering if my reverse body dysmorphia is a characteristic of OCD. Whatever, though. That's a good one. So like the story you're telling where like you didn't think you were attractive, like basically until I was in college, no one hit on me. And then people started hitting me on me a lot. But I never thought I was ugly. I just thought they were people were stupid and they didn't get my love.

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Limited time, exclusively at a Sleep Number store near you. See store or sleepnumber.com for details. Hell yeah. I mean, that's the safer mindset. I'm like, is that an anxiety disorder?

But that didn't give you any anxiety. That actually made you like, yeah, that's a different form of crazy, I suppose. All right. So you're now you're fuckable. Okay. Now I'm sorry. I realized I was fuckable. But, but yeah, there's this persistent feeling of, of something being wrong. And then I, years later, you know, so I had relationships of varying degrees of like depth and, and,

And then I really, really fell in love. And then when that relationship ended, so I didn't have OCD. I didn't have difficulty making decisions. I just had sort of this deep seated sense of something being wrong. And I would say I would reach a level of distress. Little things could push me to a state of distress where I would become depressed.

almost non-functional for like a day or two. And in hindsight, I see it as, oh, I was obsessing about something. I was obsessing about a perceived social slight or a rejection or a doubt about my ability, but it wasn't quite OCD. And then this relationship ends 2003, I'm 29 years old. And like almost immediately every decision, which side of the street should I walk down? What shirt should I wear? What should I eat? And

It became just completely paralyzing. Right. I mean, because the amount of decision making takes so much of your mental energy, like your gas tank every day that you get that's full the moment you wake up and then it slowly depletes throughout your day. One of the reasons why people like Steve Jobs wear the same exact outfit every day is to take away decisions from his life, because that's how important he wanted all of his decision making energy to be going towards the big ones. So like.

Yeah, it's a lot. Yeah, it makes sense that that would be the first thing to get overwhelmed. And I actually tried this with shirts because I would start – that was actually the first place it became very obvious was I'd never given much thought to fashion or anything, but I was getting completely paralyzed getting dressed every morning. So I was like, oh, let me just figure out which of my shirts is my best shirt.

Okay, yeah. And I went, I remember this so clearly, and this is in my show, The Mushroom Cure, which is the story of me treating my OCD with psychedelics. So I go to H&M and I buy 10 copies of that shirt. Like a cartoon character. And then I'm leaving the store and I'm like, oh no, no, I should get 11 because H&M, like their shit breaks. You know, it wears out quickly. And I remember the look on the woman's face at the register. Like she was already like, what's up with you? You okay, baby? Yeah, I come back with one more shirt and it was...

And this approach worked for like a week or two, but then the shirts, like some had little stains, some had shrunk in the wash. So now I had to figure out. Oh, that would tie me up a fucking wall. And it did. And it just, and this is sort of the theme of OCD is the more you try to manage or to control it, it always finds a way to slip by and actually insinuate itself more. Oof, that sucks. Yeah. And it really just, yeah, just was totally debilitating for, for many years. When, how long did it take you to trace that to the breakup? Yeah.

It was actually when I started doing the solo show and I was working with a director on it and he was the one who noted it. He was like, wait, so I'd never made the connection. Yeah. Yeah. It was so years and years later, I'd never made the connection because in my mind there wasn't a connection. It was just, I got to get everything right. If you'd said to me again at that point in time, are you sad? Are you, is your heart broken? I would have said no.

I was so cut off from it. Did you eventually grieve? Yes. Okay. Yes. Yeah. And what did that look like? Oh, God. Waterworks. I mean, I still grieve. Not just that, but I feel like all grief is kind of connected. Sure. Yeah. I cry a lot now. Yeah. Waterworks. I mean, this is psychedelics where the first time I really, really sobbed was on... Oh, it opened something up for you. Yeah. And how many years later was it? God. Oh, I mean, a heartbreaking number of years later that I really...

Five years later, I think it was when I first started to open those floodgates. That's such a long time to carry that around. Yeah. And this is, I think, why the OCD was so entrenched because the more I denied or didn't experience that, like at some level, I knew it was there. So at some part of my brain was like, oh, we really have to protect him from that because if he experiences it now, it's going to be even worse. You're going to die. Yeah. So it was, yeah, at some level, I think some childlike part of me or a very young part

thought like I could literally not survive this heartbreak. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. So what did it, how, like, what did the crying look like when you finally started doing it? Like, so you said the first time you sobbed was, was assisted by the shrooms. Yeah. Yeah.

I love psychedelics and I'm really interested in what they can do for your nervous system and your brain. And I've done ketamine infusions and they've been so helpful. And it is all of this. It's a sense of control. When you feel a sense of lack of control as a kid for whatever reason, purposeful or accidental, you know, in terms of what was done to you, you internalize that for the rest of your life until you really chip away at it. And we're so accustomed to like,

Here's my wound and we have to all work around it so that this doesn't get poked. But really you got to take the scraper and fucking scrape the decay out of your wound, which sounds like that's what you did. I love that metaphor. Yeah. Yeah. And I think the decay, if I'm going to extend that metaphor, wasn't the grief or the loss. It was my trying to avoid it. That had allowed it to fester. I hadn't irrigated the wound with my tears. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

And so, I mean, it was glorious. I remember that. And it was- I love a good cry. And after that first psychedelic assisted cry, I think it was a couple of months afterwards, I would just cry every day. And days when it didn't come up organically, I would use what I call tear porn. I would look at old photos. I would listen to songs because I wanted it. I wanted- You wanted that release. You wanted those feelings out of you. Yeah. Totally. Absolutely. That's so- And I still do that now.

I have a playlist on my phone called cry, which just like, and I'll put calendar reminders too. I'm like, oh shit. If I find myself like getting furious because the subway is seven minutes late. Yeah. That's a clue. Like, wait, when was the last time you cried, dude? Oh, it's been two weeks. Totally. That's very smart. Because I just start to shut down and anger starts to paper over the sadness and then it gets expressed negatively.

to people or, or entities like the subway that really, not that the subway isn't deserving of scorn, but you know, right. Really they, if, if I feel grief, then that undercuts a lot of the anger. It undercuts a lot of the control. Yeah. And, and,

but I, you know, parts of my being have developed to try to protect me from grief because it thinks it's scary. So I have to kind of consciously be like, all right, it's time to cry. Yeah. And I always like reminding myself, there's so many studies out there that say that, uh, body to body touch is so important for a baby. And, um, it,

and also the mother specifically is facial reactions to the baby, the baby experiencing the mother experiencing them. So like you could have a mom. I'm like, what if you had a mom with like fucking Botox and you couldn't understand what her emotions were, if that would fuck up a baby. But there's so many studies about world war two orphans and how they got the food they needed and the diaper changes, but they didn't get the,

touch that, that connection. Um, and so they didn't feel safe and a lot of them died because of that. Um, and so we're just so damn sensitive. That's something along the way of mom, not knowing how to handle my big emotions. Well, there's gotta be something wrong with me cause there's not something wrong with her. Cause if I knew there was something wrong with her, then I would panic as a child. So, yeah, there's a great quote that someone told me, which it's from some psychologists or psychiatrists, but like better to be, um,

Better to be a devil in a world of angels than to basically better to think that you're the problem than your parents who are essentially your gods when you're a little baby are the problem. That's much more terrifying. Totally. Totally. So blame yourself. And, you know, this wasn't conscious, but I think a lot of that probably was operating and, and,

Yeah. So it's so funny. Like if you don't nip that shit in the bud, it will show up. They don't show up in OCD. It'll show up in narcissism. It'll show up as borderline personality disorder. It always shows up. You can't, you can't escape it.

Yeah. Life is like a haunted house. Well, yeah. And so, so that's, that's how you got diagnosed. And then, and then we move on to the, the relationship you just got out of and that's where the relationship or are you still in it? This is a good question. It depends when, it depends when this airs. We've all been there. We've all been there. Yeah. So to trace it. So after this heartbreak, you know, in my mind, I,

It's so crazy now, but it was like, all right, this relationship didn't work. So now I'll just find someone like who is even better than this person who I lost. Right. Because if I don't find someone better than losing this person was a huge mistake. But if I find someone better than, hey, I don't have to mourn it. So right. Then that's the part where for me, it's like you're like, I don't think that even I don't think that's an OCD thought, though. I was like, I have that thought all the time. Like, I fucking better find someone better. So I stop being sad. Like, if anything, that's like.

spite. Yeah. You know, I think there was an element of spite and there was, and I think the way it manifested for me,

And I didn't see this until years later. And we'll get to that. But essentially, and this is the part where one of the many parts where like, is this OCD or is this normal? Or I think it's on a spectrum. But for me, what happened for the next 19 fucking years of my life and, you know, 19 prime years where people get married, have families, is generally I'd meet women and I'd

at some point, usually pretty early on, there was some reason they weren't the right person. Some perceived flaw. - Like what's an example of a perceived flaw? - It could be, and I know this is not sympathetic or likable, but it could be something physical. - Be honest. - Yeah, of course. - Often it could be something physical. It generally was one of two categories, and it was an either/or. Either the physical attraction is there,

But we just don't have great conversation. The intellectual connection isn't there. That's fair. Or we have great conversation, but I'm not totally attracted to her. Her nose is weird. Yeah. It could be that like persnickety and bizarre. Yeah, yeah. That sounds like you trying to control the situation and be like, well, I'm not going to enter this because of this flaw. So I'm going to save myself from this heartache. Good for me. Yeah, exactly. But like you do have to look at someone's like fucking face for the rest of your life. True. You know, so I mean, there's been some times when I'm like, there's definitely been times when I've been dating someone and I'm like,

I like this person's energy, but I don't know if I can look at his face or if I have liked this person's face, but I'm like, this person bores me to tears. Yeah. And this is what's tricky about this. I think for maybe not everyone, but a lot of people is, you know, like Freud said, love and work. Those are the two big things in life. What do we do with career profession and what do we do with relationships that

So these are the two big domains of decision, I would say. Right. But work is not nearly doesn't feel as big because, first of all, you can change jobs. Yeah. And second of all, like this choice of partner is probably the single biggest decision that's going to influence the course of your life.

True. So I think even people without the slightest touch or hint of OCD often do have anxiety about, is this the right person? And there's trade-offs and no one's perfect. And how much am I willing to compromise on? Yeah. So it wasn't,

that I was doing this, I think what ultimately clued me in that something was off here was how long I was doing it for. And my narrative in my mind was like, oh, the right relationship is just around the corner, you know, especially as the OCD started to get better. Because there was a period of time where I clearly was not in a place to, you know, I was just very fucked up and not even dysfunctional, non-functional for years. Like stay in bed all day or just crying on the streets? Um,

So I was running my own company bizarrely through a series of weird confluence of circumstances. So I could otherwise I would have not been able to hold down a job. Yeah. So I was going into my office and doing a shitty job for a few hours a day and then going home and obsessing about something trivial. Right. And yeah, it was really. So it was more the obsession than the compulsion that was getting you.

Trying to, yeah, just trying to figure out the right decision about shit that really didn't matter while the days and weeks and months and tragically years ticked by. Yeah. And then I started getting more, thanks to psychedelics and some other things, I started getting more recovery and my sense was like, okay, now I'm in a place where I can really, and I recognized that, oh, I'd never mourned this relationship. Now I've mourned it. Now I can finally have the relationship I want, but not with this person.

Not with this person. She used the word Zen diagram instead of Venn diagram, which happened. And I feel like that's justified. How can you go through life and thinking it's Zen diagram? Right, right. Although Zen diagram sounds nice. It does sound nice. But it's not correct. What a funny reason. She said it repeatedly. I was like, is she testing me? It was a weird. Repeatedly. That's weird. Did you ever go, that's not that word? What were you having? What conversations were you having that Venn diagram even came up that much? We were talking about

about arts and marketing and like trying to market some of my shows. And she's like, well, you need to find the Zen diagram. People are interested in psychedelics and like theater.

Did you ever once think of just like correcting her and moving on? I did eventually. I have to correct her after a couple times. It's like, ah, shit. Now I got to scream at her. I think what the reason it was a red flag, but this is weird. I thought about this. I was like, how could she go through this point in her life with no one having corrected her? Maybe people just don't give a fuck about this person. Maybe. I already had some concern. That's so deep. But also too, you don't have the spark with this person enough to,

Because when you notice those things and when you get hung up on those things, a lot of times it's just your heart wave going, that ain't it. Yeah. This ain't it for you. Yeah. To be clear, it wasn't like, oh, this person is perfect except for that. Right, right. Because then you wouldn't even consider that as like...

does that mean I shouldn't? Like if you're using that as a consideration for being with that person, you don't like that person that much. Except so the eventual, sorry, this, yeah. No, I'm not. I was thinking in my head, if the people I've loved the most in life said Zen diagram, would I care? And the answer is absolutely not. Right. But it was a weird thing to say, but to your point, Christina, so, right. So my, if you'd asked me 10, 15 years after this relationship ended, I, especially as I got more and more recovery from OCD and,

I would have said, yeah, you know, I'm ready for a relationship. I haven't found the right person. You know, it's hard for everyone, but I'm sure it's about to happen. This sort of delusional, like it's just around the corner. And then this was, God, a little more than two years ago, May of 2022, I had a mushroom trip where I realized that

what I had been doing for at that point 19 years, which was, dude, why are you alone? You really think you haven't met the fucking right person in 19 years? No, you've met plenty of people who could be serviceable partners maybe whenever you meet someone that's not very romantic. - That's not a dream. - That's terrible.

But I think that's sometimes what it comes down to is like not looking for the perfect romantic. That's 100% astral. Man thinking. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, 100%. So I saw this though and I hadn't – it was like this –

where it's just like, God, what an idiot. Like you really think you just can't meet the right person? No, you're like anyone else where like you meet people that's varying levels of compatibility. But if you really want a relationship, if you really want to, and I had had some like quasi partnerships, but I hadn't fully opened my heart to someone that always been this, not sure about her. Because your heart was closed the whole time. Because I was afraid of opening it up again because what happened last time I'd opened it up. I mean, that checks out. Okay. So I saw this on this mushroom trip

What a realization. Yeah. And it was kind of heartbreaking because it was like I've wasted so much time, but it was also like, well, I have a choice. Now I've seen it. Exactly. And do I want to say yes to someone even with doubts being there? Yeah. And I do. And then four days after that trip, I met my current former, I don't know.

And... Partner woman. Darn. Honestly, it would have been disappointing if you came here with just a regular girlfriend. Yeah, it's true. This is more interesting. And the very first conversation we had was me saying, telling her about this trip I'd had and this realization that now I'm really ready to open my heart to someone.

And her saying she had basically had the opposite realization recently, which is she'd realized she'd been running two relationships to avoid a deep fear of being alone. And now she was committed to being alone for a long time. Oh, shit. But she wasn't. Well, it's so funny because if we'd had this conversation before this mushroom trip...

I would have done something. I'm not proud to say this, but I know what I would have done. I would have fucking ignored what she said. I would have tried to make something happen. I'd be like, she's... She doesn't mean this. Challenge accepted, baby. She's beautiful. We have great conversation. Like, I'm just gonna... And if I had tried to make something happen...

she's Greek she's very blunt she would have shut it down and never talked to me again but because I'd had this mushroom trip I was like oh okay she's not the one yeah you're not we're looking for different things I know what I want you know what you want we can just be friends yeah and so I totally backed off oh women love that yes and that predictably fucking love that like I was so I don't like that

Well, meaning like if I was in a position in my life where I'm like, I'm not ready for that. I don't want to do that. I need to be alone. Oh, that he respected something that we said. Exactly. I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I wouldn't have been that way. So horny for respect. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So you respected what she said. So I backed off completely. And because of that, you know, yeah, it allowed something. And slang happened very quickly. Where did you meet four days later? Streets? I mean, it was...

a, uh, a, a, a, a, how would I call it? A psychedelic conference. Let's call it. It was a sort of an after party for a psychedelic conference. She worked for a psychedelic organization. I was going to say you already have some pretty major common ground there. Yeah, we, we do. We'd actually met prior to this on a zoom call because she worked for the psychedelic organization that was helping promote my, my, uh, my show, the mushroom cure.

But, you know, I'd seen her. She's very beautiful, much younger than me. And I was like, oh, I'm not even like, yeah, I'm going to try. Right. And but yeah, so the first time we connected in person was four days later. And very quickly, it turned into like a significant thing. Wow. And now do you have to be wary of that with the OCD with like jumping into something too much?

like love bombing or getting obsessed with a person. Cause I definitely get obsessed with people, but I'm like, I can avoid like, um, acting on it, but I still ruminate about them. You know, we, because of the circumstances, um,

I didn't have room to be obsessed with her because we were spending almost all our time together because it turned out she was going back to Greece in a few weeks. And so we just, then she was coming back to the Bay area, but I was going to be back in New York. So we basically wound up spending almost the entirety of like the next three weeks together. Oh, wow. Then she invites me to Greece for the summer. Oh, what? Okay. So romantic. For like a month. I love that your reaction is so romantic. I go, oh boy, this went way too fast. Yeah.

And in hindsight, it's exactly my speed. Sign me up. Yeah. And like a part of me was like, oh, this is moving fast. But I was also like, fuck, I'm good at manifesting. Like I had this realization. And the amazing thing to me is I had thought, OK, if I want to open my heart, I'm going to be opening my heart with doubt of like, I don't know about this person. Yeah, they can both exist. But I had no doubt about her. I was just like, this is perfect. Like we the conversation is amazing. The physical attraction is totally there. Everything is like perfect.

There were no compromises. So that was the mushroom cure? No, that was, this is, the mushroom cure is years ago. It was a titty cure. No, I meant like you were cured internally from, yeah, I mean, it just seems like all of a sudden the decision making was gone. Yeah. The problem was gone. I mean, psychedelics do clean a house pretty quickly.

It's a little, it's wild.

I'm sure we could have had – not sure. Who knows? Relationships are always tricky. But like it feels like there's a good chance. You also would have – I think when you're at that place, you attract a different caliber of person. So when you're in the place that you were in for 19 years, you were attracting a certain caliber of woman that you would not have swooned over because you weren't right with yourself and you weren't sure why. And then you got right with yourself in terms of making – connecting these two.

major dots, which is so, I love those moments. I live for those moments because they're really, you're the rest of your life's going to be better now. Like it's, it's rare to go back on that. Like you could notice yourself sliding and, but you catch it right away. So it seems like, yeah, the second you cleared that you are attracting a different caliber of woman. And I, yeah,

And I think that's part of it because I look back over those 19 years and I feel like on one hand, oh, like if I'd made different choices, maybe I would have kids now and be married. But I also look back to your point, Christina, I don't think I could have had with any of those people what I have with this woman or had. I don't know what tense to use. Well, what's the deal? Do you want to talk it out? We're really good at relationship advice. Yeah, I would love it. So the deal is...

She was very clear. You know, this first conversation, she's not looking for something significant. It turned into something significant. And but periodically over. So this has been a little bit more than two years. OK. Every once in a while, this would flare up for her. This sense of like I.

I know that if I'm not with her, I want to be in a partnership with someone. Yeah. She'd say is I know if I'm not with you, I want to I don't want to be with anyone. OK. And am I her answer? That's so sexy, though. Doesn't that just like fuel you? Love that answer. In what way? She wants you. You're special. Yeah. I feel like being a woman. We're so used to men just wanting to be in a relationship. So to have someone be like, I want to be in a relationship with you.

with you specifically. I mean, that's what women do. That makes me horny just thinking about it. I know, it makes me horny just thinking about it too. I never thought about it. You never had to because you're a man. Yeah. Damn. Good for you. Damn. To be loved by a woman. What a gift. I wish, yeah. But it's also been anxiety provoking because it's like, okay, does she, basically this question of is the timing right for her?

Because I respect the fact that she feels like, hey, I want to see what it's like to be alone as like, you know. You can also have this like form of... You can restructure your relationship in a way where, hey, let's... I want to feel like I have more freedom. Not to fuck other people because she doesn't want to. Yeah. But just to be...

the only part like do you live together what's no no we don't i mean we spend every night together but okay so that's not so so i should say we were but yeah okay okay well because because honestly i i get what she's i i don't know her but i i feel like what she's getting at there is like i want to have a sense of getting like i want to have time to get to know myself on a deeper level that can only happen alone but you can also be i would argue you could also be in a relationship while

you are getting to know yourself, but you physically need to be the only person there in the apartment, in the room or whatever. You can be alone in a relationship. I do it all. That's the worst. No, no, no, no. I don't mean it like that. I mean like, literally, I just really have my own life. So yeah, that's the best. You can do it. And so I think if, yeah,

But if you love this person, then you could carve out this structure in your relationship where Monday through Wednesday, we don't text, we don't talk, we don't do anything. And then we reconnect on Thursday and it's great. Because then you have this time by yourself to just allow yourself to get to know you. Yeah. Is that giving you anxiety? No, we've explored this. So what happened was two days before our two-year anniversary. Oh, God.

And I was like, I sell every, I celebrated every monthly anniversary. Cause it's kind of like an AA, like I've been sober for 14 months. Right. My heart's been open for this long. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And it's also like, Oh, look, like, look what new tricks I can do with this open heart. You know, like I'm actually using it for what it's supposed to be used for. Yeah. And let me just say, I mean,

not to brag, but like this relationship exceeded what I thought was possible for you on every level. Just like every disgusting saccharine cliche, like she's absolutely my best friend. Like, you know, the sex is,

In my past experience, like the sex, it kind of hits a peak, maybe eight to 12 months. And then this, it kept getting better and better. We kept discovering new things and not like reading just organically being like, oh, that's beautiful. So it felt, and for her too, like this is just such a rare, precious thing.

But also, oh yeah, so getting to, as we were approaching our two year anniversary, I had this voice in my head that kept, and I shared it with her, 'cause I share everything with her, that kept saying, "You're not gonna make it to two years. "You're not gonna make it to two years.

That's the old OCD though. Three days before our two-year anniversary, she is like, this comes up really strong that she's denying this part of her that feels this need to be alone. So I think it was intuition, not OCD. Yeah, I think it probably was and not even like deep intuition. She told me. Yeah, but also too, if you're connected the way you say you are, then you're going to sense that without even consciously knowing you're sensing it. Your body will sense it first. Yeah.

- And there was, there was this sense of fear, like, yeah. And so we separated and initially there was this deep sense of like, oh my God, I'm losing this precious thing. And then there was a sense of relief, which I think reflects the fact that some part of me knew there was this sort of ticking time bomb. And then it forced me, I'm mindful of time, so I won't go into all of it, but I realized like part of why she wanted at least this separation, if not permanent break,

was she really felt it was essential for her to cultivate more friendships, particularly with women. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like a lot of women, she has a lot of, yeah. Well, yeah, for women, female friendships are for most women, I guess. Like if you don't have that, yeah, that will make your life beautiful in a way that other things can't. And so I realized something analogous where I was like, oh, she's the person, like most days, she'd be the only person, she lives in the SF, San Francisco, and that's where I've spent most of my time the last two years. So it was like-

Unless if I'm doing a show at night, she's the only person I'm seeing most days. And that's a problem. Yes. I don't want my social contact to be entirely. So I start, I made a fucking Google doc of my friends or people I even acquaintances and started reaching out to people for social. Yeah. Yeah. And that probably feels great for you too. It was like, Oh, it just feels like a sense of social agency. Like I can. I love that you made a Google doc. It's.

And it was because there was one day I was like, God, I'm so fucking lonely. And it's kind of like I don't even have to have the most incredible satisfying social interaction. It's like if you're hungry, just eat some food. It doesn't have to be – Humans are – we are wired to connect. Yeah. We are wired for it. We need it. And I think men in particular can deny or be unaware of that. Totally. So the point is a lot of good things came out of this separation. Yeah, that's great. And then it was – I won't get into all the details.

Then there was an event. We knew we were going to see each other and we got back together. Oh, crazy. For two weeks. Cause your connection is really good. And then the same thing happened. Then it's like, we had this amazing, right after my birthday, we had this amazing time together and we're driving back from this hike and I'm just like, and we're feeling so in love. And I'm like, but what, what are we doing here? Ah, yeah. She's like, you're right. And we separated again. And then we got back together again. And then, um,

So she's in Greece now for the first time in the last two summers I've been in Greece with her, which has been amazing. She's from an island in the Aegean. Oh, God, I've heard Greece. The pictures of Greece. I'm just like, how is this not a painting and it's an actual place? It's so stunningly – and being there with a Greek person. And she's very, very Greek. She has so much – like she was a philosophy major. Wow, so Greek. So Greek. And it's just this incredible peak experience and her –

who have understandable concerns about me, but Greek hospitality, like shower me with appreciation and incredible food. Is it because of the age gap? What's the age gap? The age gap is 17 years. Yeah, that's mine, I think.

And... But no, I think her parents... No. So the primary reason for this... Anyway, just to finish the narrative quickly. So we've still been in... So she went to Greece while we were on a connected period. But then I was like, you know what? Let's take this... If you feel like you need this separation, let's do it now because it's going to be easier when we're 5,000 miles apart. Yeah. And because I want...

I'd be very happy if on the other end of this, she is able to fully commit to me. It sounds like that's what's going to happen. She just needs to be untethered. It's dangerous to give me hope, Christina. I know. I know. But the cool part is whatever happens is going to be the best outcome, even if it doesn't feel great, right? But from everything you're telling me, I have this like – my voices in my head are almost yelling at me.

Like she – you guys have a beautiful, rare connection. You do. And she loves you and you love her and you guys are fucking fantastic for each other. She never got her little eat, pray, love moment that every human being on this planet needs. You got yours for 19 years, not in the way you wanted to and it wasn't – but it was cathartic ultimately after you connected all the dots. She – you have to – your spirit, every individual spirit needs and deserves a time of being untethered to any human being. Mm-hmm.

And so even if you're in the best relationship of your life, I could absolutely understand still needing that. I think you guys, you're going to... But she's, I don't know exactly how old you are, but she's already 30, right? Yeah, I'm 50. So she's 33. Okay. So I was thinking, I was like, as long as she's hit 30, like if she was younger than 30, I would be like, this is a problem. But 33, I feel like it's like...

Well, also, what were you doing previously that you don't have female friends? Oh, no. She does have female friends. But I'm like, yeah. I'm like, she doesn't spend time with them. Well, to be very specific, most of her female friends are. So she moved to this country for grad school in 2018. Oh, she moved here. She's super new. She's an immigrant problem. Yeah. So most of her female friends are Greek. And I think you come to a new culture and it's scary. Yeah, it's scary.

And she already had a serious boyfriend when she came here who lived here. So she was kind of in a six-year relationship. Yeah, see this? You guys are really, I feel like you guys are really good for each other. She just needs some, she needs to find a sense of home within herself by herself for a second. And in a fucking new country. She'd be like, yes, that is exactly, the way you put it is the way she talks about it. I totally understand that. Yeah, she wants to feel, I couldn't put it better. Yeah. Well, we resolved it here. There is one other concern though. What is that?

That'll be a hundred bucks. Which is my, oh, worth more than that. Which is, so the primary concern is like, does she need to be alone? But the other is more specific to me, which is,

my career slash financial situation. Not like she needs me to be a superstar, but she wants to know that like I can, you know, if she were to get pregnant, support a family. And is she, but she, that's the Greek American people are like, we don't, we don't, we don't expect anything. Yeah. Yeah. So the Greek, she was a world-class concert pianist when she was 18. Holy shit. International competitions, the Greek financial crisis hit. She's

She's a real catch. Yeah, she is. She's pretty amazing. I'm in love with her. She has like two grad degrees. She's a... Oh, an invader. Yeah. She's amazing. I mean, she's amazing. She's an astonishing person. But this financial crisis hit and there was...

she's from a middle-class family in Greece, but her parents grew up poor, like don't have shoes poor. Okay. Okay. And very much instilled in her, like you have to focus on how you're going to eat. She gave up piano. So she's been traumatized. So what I tell my gave up her piano and she was that skilled. She was also traumatized by people's expectations. She's very beautiful. Kind of making her this object. Yeah. There was a lot there, man. But my answer to the financial stuff is I'm like, listen, my day job until I was able to quit day jobs is,

you know, not with a great safety margin, but somewhat was sales. And I was good at it. Yeah. I'm like, I can always sell shit. I can get a job doing sales. But her growing up in Greece, she knows people who are doctors who are baristas because there's just the economy is so fucked there. Wow. Okay. Okay. Okay. So the reason. Yeah. So.

So that's – but to me that's a soluble problem. Yes, it is. You just have to have open communication and a plan and then monitoring the plan as it goes to make sure is this working, is this not? Especially when you're both artists. I think you can figure something out to make money.

I mean, there's always, especially in like this like digital world, I feel like there's always something you could do. I haven't encountered a couple that I'm rooting for so hard for you and this woman. I really, I love, I think, cause you're so sweet and so kind and so gentle. And I like your journey of like discovering these really important aspects that like,

put the puzzle pieces together and kind of cleared all this stuff for you. And then she's her story. Damn. I want her to, I want her to have a piano. Well, she started playing again. Good, good. So she's felt disconnected from herself for all those reasons. And it's like, that's so interesting because it's just proof that like you could meet you. Two people could be so good for each other and so great. But if there are these internal factors, it's,

not happening. Like, you know, so, so as for her at this moment in time, yeah, but it, but it can happen after you just, you know, give space. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, the timing is a lot of it. And yeah, so hopefully we can pause what we're doing and time proceeds for each of us individually. Also, yeah. And you can sleep soundly knowing you banged a young hottie. I did. I did. Thank you. Yes, that's the reaction every man wants. His lips are fuckable. Another classic Guys We Fucked love story. Adam, where can people find you? What do you want them to know about you? Well, they should know about me that right now I'm technically... So she has said...

you are single now i'm technically single that's why i was at a dance party yesterday corinne yes as you know i love these outdoor daytime dance parties cool this is a funny joke between us because you you said it's called the dance party it's a party you dance at a joke on stage is a dance party and i got off stage and i was like great set but what the fuck is a dance party i was like it's just a party like who calls it a

A party where the focus is dancing. You gotta dance or else like, why are you at this party? Exactly. So you were at a dance party and then you fell in love again? No, no. And there was just a lot of, a lot of attractive women there. But I'm feeling like. Must be nice. I'm feeling, I'm feeling like, uh, in this moment, I'm like, this is what, how we left things with my, it's funny before I,

on stage early on in the relationship, I was talking about her on stage and I was calling her my pre-girlfriend, like pre-diabetes. If I don't make behavioral changes, she's going to turn into my girlfriend. That's very funny. And so now she's like, I was like, are you my ex-girlfriend? And she's like, call me your post-girlfriend. Oh my gosh. But I felt like at this party, I'm like, so she has said like, I'm not constraining you at all. You're free to do whatever you want to do. Oh, that's very clear. I haven't felt

Nor, let me be honest, I'm a dude. You feel a little bit of a desire if you're going to publicly tell the entire guys we've got an audience. Yeah. You don't tell our show that you're single unless you're trying to get some tits into him. I asked you what you wanted to, I mean, you did the right thing though because I feel like men on the show, like they don't, you got to make it known. Yeah. Got it. I don't know what I am and I don't know what I will be when this airs. Women love that. But aside from my...

I'm mysterious and hard to pin down. I'm sensitive and self-aware. This is so funny. No, but that aside, yeah, stuff to publicize. Yeah, artistically. Artistically, right? Not relationships. Oh, okay. I'm very close with my mother in a healthy way, in a healthy way.

Is there such a thing? No, I, uh, so I, like everyone else in the world, I have inspired by you guys. Maybe partially. I have a new podcast coming out called obsessed with Adam Strauss about my obsessions, but also other people's obsessions that may blend into OCD or may just be more of a healthy obsession. Yeah. But the stuff that you really fixate on, that's a great theme for a podcast. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. I'd love to have you guys on. Um, I know, I know. Yeah.

And then I have a new solo show whose name is almost certainly going to change before it opens in San Francisco in October. But the current working title is Something is Wrong with Adam Strauss. Awesome. And then I do stand up in various places and I'm on social media constantly.

What's your handle? It's, I don't, so it's, my name is Adam Strauss. That was taken. So it's Adam, like A-T-O-M-S-T-R-A. It's too, I don't like it though. I don't think. Unless you were nerdy about science and like loved molecules. I'd be like, meh. It feels right for you though. It kind of is on brand. Yeah.

It's like clever, but clever in an obvious way that I kind of... Right, right. Maybe just think about it a little bit more. Yeah. Just obsess about it longer. That's the answer to all the problems. Ask your brain what it thinks. Yeah. Oh, it has lots of opinions. Well, thank you

so much for sharing your story. That was very interesting. I know a lot of people who had been wanting to do a whole episode about OCD. So here we are. This has been Guys We Fucked. Thanks for solving my problems. Yeah. It's all going to work out for you. You need to keep us updated. So here we go. This is basically like Garth Brooks, the biography of Garth Brooks. You go, he just leaves for Nashville and then he becomes famous. And you're like, this is the fucking worst story I've ever heard. Yeah.

This has been Guys We Fucked, the anti-slut-shaming podcast. We'll talk to you next Friday. Guys We Fucked is presented by Luminary. Created and hosted by Corinne Fisher and Christina Hutchinson. Editing and music coordination by Eric Freddie. Theme song by Rob Patterson and Jake Kozen.

I don't know.

Even though all looks weird I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to sleep I don't want to

is

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