YOU AUDITIONED FOR SNL WITH YOUR BABY NEXT TO YOU? ft. Calise Hawkins
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Welcome to Guys We Fuck, the anti-slut-shaming podcast. I'm Christina Hudson. I'm Corinne Fisher. Slutty, you're horny, and you're shamed.

Hey, you with one? Yeah. Okay. Let's talk about fucking. Hi, everybody. How you doing? Welcome to Guys, We Hugged. It's the anti-slut shaming podcast. I'm Corinne Fisher. I'm Christina Hutchinson. Welcome to the show. How you doing? You okay? You want to email us? SorryAboutLastNightShow at gmail.com. And guys, remember that you can still sign up to get all of our bonus episodes plus the regular episodes early today.

And ad-free. And let me tell you something. Kurt and I are very unhinged on these bonus episodes. It's very fun. For still only $29.99 a year. And if you have Spotify, just click the banner on our show page to sign up. Or if you want to use another platform to listen, you can do that too. Just go here, luminary.link slash GWF promo. Again, that's luminary.link.

slash GWF promo. Or again, go to the top of the Guys We Fucked show page on Spotify and tap that exclusive benefits banner. That's easier than half of y'all's skincare routines at night. This subject line says, my ex-husband sent me a song he wrote about our divorce on my birthday. Well, of course he did because he needs to make it about him. Hi, Corinne and Christina. First off, I want to thank you for what you do. I don't think I would have had the courage to get divorced if I hadn't started listening to Guys We Fucked. Yeah.

My favorite feedback. Listening to you two helped give me the confidence to get out of an unhappy marriage. And I owe you so much for that. Thank you. I've never written in before and just had to in hopes to hear your thoughts on this situation. My ex-husband, let's call him Sean, and I split in September of 2023. We were married for six years together for about 12 years. We've been married for a long time.

Nice. Was he cheating? What?

At the time, a little disappointed. Yeah. At the time I was so thankful for that. I knew no matter his response, I wanted out. I didn't want it to be a fight, but after some time had passed, I would have these moments where I felt truly heart broken that he didn't fight the divorce at all. Yeah. We had been together for so long. He was my best friend. And for a long time, I was deeply in love with this man. Yeah.

Some background on what caused me to want a divorce. We are from the Midwest and had moved to Portland, Oregon a few months after getting married. We lived there for four and a half years and it was incredible. I love Portland so much and moving away from home helped me grow, gave me experiences and job opportunities I never would have had if I never had left my hometown.

In June of 2022, we moved back to our hometown because I got a great job opportunity to teach and be the program director at the college I went to and got my undergraduate and graduate degree from. It also allowed us to be closer to our aging parents. For the first time since we got married, we were finally in a place where we would be for the foreseeable future. When we lived in Portland, we had no family there, just friends and great times. It was an amazing time in my life, and I have no regrets about moving there with him.

We always planned to move back to the Midwest at some point, but it happened a little quicker than we thought because of this amazing job opportunity I had. Now that we were in a stable place for the foreseeable future, I really started to think about what our future looks like, buying a home, having a family, et cetera. And I realized that I do want those things, just not with Sean. I had become a mother to him. I took care of all our finances, grocery shop, cooked, cleaned, the whole shebang. Well, I already knew that from when you said you handled the divorce yourself. Yeah.

He smoked a ton of weed and drank and didn't take care of himself. I was advancing in my career and making new female friends and really loving my life outside of my marriage so much more than my life in my marriage. I knew I had changed and that he hadn't. Nothing dramatic happened. He didn't wrong me or treat me poorly. I simply fell out of love with him hard.

Okay. Okay.

Fast forward to my birthday this year. I get a happy birthday text from him. This is not out of the norm for us at all. However, right after the text, he sends me a link to a live performance of his band. I have seen his band many times in the past and was genuinely looking forward to watching this performance since I don't see them play hardly at all now that we are divorced. But I'm not sure if it's because of the fact that I'm not a fan of his music.

Okay. I, let me stop you right there and say, you can look forward to receiving a video of his band playing, but not on your birthday. Yeah. Whether it, whether it was about you or not. Yeah. It's your birthday. Thank you so much. I,

I started to watch and listen and quickly realized from the lyrics that the song is about our divorce. The lyrics aren't mean or disparaging towards me, but hearing his lyrical take on our split got me worked the fuck up. Yeah, especially on your day. It's your birthday. That was on purpose.

us too it wasn't of course it was wasn't accidental it brought up those feelings of heartbreak and disappointment about how little effort he put into our relationship and how much it actually did hurt me that he didn't try at all to prevent the divorce from happening and on my fucking birthday yeah when we split we never really got into the nitty-gritty of why i wanted the divorce in the first really he didn't ask me he just let me go i don't think he wanted well maybe he felt it and he didn't want to hear the truth come out of your mouth yeah

I don't think he wanted to know. Honestly, I had made peace with this or I thought I had until I got that text.

and listen to that song. Well, he felt you, yeah, that you had made peace with that. So he needed to make un-peace. Now I have a strong urge to really tell him how I feel and how I think it was a fucked up thing to send me on my birthday of all days. I would just block him. But at the same time, I think why bother? I've moved on. My life is amazing. Sure, it might be cathartic to finally get all of this off my chest and have him hear it, but I doubt he will really hear me. And besides, we have both moved on. He obviously did not.

But goddamn. In his head when he's doing this, sending this email, he's just John Cusack and say anything. That's what he thinks is happening. Yeah. I mean, but goddamn, the urge to tell him is stronger than it has ever been for me. Anyway, would love to hear your thoughts. Dumb bitch my ass. Love you both. Oh, and then she did send a link to the performance. Should we watch it? Wow. This is...

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Prices higher in Alaska and Hawaii. Exclusively at a Sleep Number store near you. See store or sleepnumber.com for details. Well, put it on mute. I mean, we can't. Wait, what did she say? He's the main guy. He's this guy. Can I do closed captioning? Wait, let me do closed captioning. Yeah. Love for you goes beyond the desire. Entertainments want your life to be full. So there's attempt at attainment.

I'm a more rural life self based on you with that. Okay. This closed captions a little off without me. You without me is perfectly fine, even though it sucks to say, I don't think we need to know the lyrics. I think we can see from the 92 views. Um, this, you're not a Seattle much. Oh God.

Oh my God. Oh, and they hashtagged it. Oh my God. Restrictive commitments won't make me want to leave you. Wait, hold on. I do want to... This video was filmed. You don't need to tell this guy anything, Miss. You just... Can't take away this broken artifact? I honestly would just block the guy. Yeah. This is... You got a sad, whiny boy on your hands. I would just block this guy. And not out of animosity. It's just... For your protection. It's just setting a boundary. Yeah. You're in a piece. You just need to...

not talk about talk to this guy for a while and it very quietly says sending me something like that on my birthday is unacceptable you haven't changed i have i i bid you i do and think of the how how he sent this to you on your birthday made you feel and then remember that blocking him is going to free you from ever having to deal with that yeah you might still see him out but like

Okay, good. Don't tease me with a good time. Yeah, because I think if you kind of flip out the way you want to, the way that feels good, it might be cathartic, but yeah, it's going to let him know that he still has an emotional hold on you, which is what he wants. And he very clearly doesn't because you are so happy moving on from him. You fell out of love. That's okay. Glad you got the divorce. Glad you got the divorce. I was trying to realize...

What is a perk to marriage? I don't think there is one.

Like it's, is the tax break that good? I like how every week your, your stance on marriage and, and having children. Yeah. Well, cause people's experiences are very interesting. You're walking me through the wedding. That's the only, cause that's the only perk I can think of, uh, which is a fun one is just having a party to celebrate how much you love the person with the people you love. You can just do that. Yeah. But then when people attend, if it wasn't a wedding, well, that's, that's on them. I know, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Promo stuff. Well, I don't have a solo podcast anymore, but I do have a Patreon where once a week I hold a Zoom group share-a-pee where we talk about whatever the hell is on your mind. And because I don't have a solo podcast anymore, you can still listen to it on any podcast app, Voices in Our Heads.

I'm kind of funneling my experiences into the top of these Zooms and then you can listen back to the audio. We had the most interesting conversation yesterday that I could have kept going on for hours about the role of masculinity and how the good guy's voice needs to be amplified in this society because I...

I would love to see more men that are good do the talking to the men that are not good. We had a really interesting discussion on that and just society and stuff. So you can sign up for that and you can hear our conversation and you can participate in the conversation once a week at patreon.com slash Christina Hutchinson.

And you can listen to my political podcast, Without a Country, every Wednesday at 9 p.m. Eastern Time. We live stream on YouTube. You can call in the show if you're watching live C-SPAN style. You know what happens on the show. I did coin a term, a phrase that I've been using for the past week that I should have coined.

five years ago, but I read the news from Fox to Vox for you. I can't believe I didn't think of that. It just came out of my mouth when I was doing these mayoral interviews and I was like, oh man, that was really good, Corinne. You really Dr. Seussed that interview.

But yeah, and it really will enhance your ability to critically think, to engage with people who hold different viewpoints from you, which I think is extremely important, especially now. And yeah.

It will make you think when you intake news more about media literacy, right? So all these things, all these skills are extremely important and it also keeps you abreast of what's going on in the world. And all you got to do is listen to one podcast and I kind of picked out the...

most important or interesting things, obviously that there's my bias is going on there. Um, but a good, a good helping of things that are going on in the world and especially in America. Um, so you can join us, uh, you subscribe at without a country, a podcast on, uh, YouTube, and you can follow us online, uh, without a country. Uh, and that's it. Yeah. Nice.

Okay. How are you doing? All right. Good. Yeah. I mean, are we going to do the mayoral segment now? I guess this is, I will have no personal life outside of being mayor. So if you're like, all Corinne talks about is being mayor. I mean, yes. It's a 24 seven job. Yeah. I mean, obviously I wouldn't be asking for you to donate money every single day of my life if I wasn't taking it seriously. So when I say I'm truly not doing anything else, I'm not doing any,

anything else. Uh, so that's all I have to talk about. Um, I went to a caucus this weekend, AKA a meeting, a convention, a conference caucus, just a fancy word. Caucus also does mean things, uh, different things politically, depending on like, uh, what, uh, what's what state or, or country you're in. But most times it just means a fricking meeting. Um,

of people with a shared viewpoint usually. Um, and I'm just saying that not cause I think you're stupid, but because I think that one thing that holds Democrats behind is our, uh, insistence on using political jargon or, uh, high level words, um,

to convey pretty simple sentiments. And I think that we really pride ourselves on being so smart when in reality, it's just losing us voters. And so, and that's nothing to pride yourself on. So congratulations, Democrats, AKA me. But yeah, I went to, I went to my first caucus and it was interesting. And I guess what I learned this week and what I wanted to talk about a little bit was, you know, the fact that I'm running an outsider's campaign, right? While I,

I would say that, you know, most people, everyday people have been like pretty excited and kind of like, oh, let's do this thing. People in the political world, not that they're like angry. I mean, some people are angry. But, you know, they're kind of like, well, I haven't heard of you. So there must be no chance that you could win. Right. We, of course, understand that it's a loss.

a long shot, but I think this, it is this kind of attitude that I have to know who you are. Otherwise you are not relevant in politics is part of what's keeping Democrats behind. Right. Just so you guys know, as, as voters, you know, that you do have the power when, when, you know, rock the vote or whatever says you have the power and talks about how important it is to vote.

They're not incorrect. This is not just some publicity stunt to get people fake involved. Right. At the end of the day, and we learned this with Donald Trump being elected, votes are extremely powerful. It's a really, really, you know, politicians are spending millions and millions of dollars a year trying to get your vote.

OK, they're trying to sell you on who they are and what their platform is. That's how valuable your vote is. And so it is astounding to me when we look at the numbers, how few people are taking advantage of this power that they have, the power that you have over your own lives and your own government. You really, really, really do hold it. I think that's the number one thing. If you get anything from me running for mayor, that's what it is.

So, when people in the political world say you have no shot at winning, they're saying that because they are looking at the statistics of voter turnout for, I don't know, all of history, basically. But what I want to tell you today is if you decided that you wanted someone new to govern you,

And you told all your friends and you spent a little time passing that along. And that's everyone who's listening, right? You really could have whoever you want govern you. That is 100% a possibility, right? The people that we're voting for really do get elected. And so...

you know, I think some, some people are, you know, might be questioning, you know, why are you running for mayor and not something smaller? Right. Well, I have a couple answers to that. Number one, uh, I'm already in a position where I have a bigger following than, I mean, basically any of the other candidates, except for Andrew Cuomo, who has not announced yet, but most likely will. Um, and, uh,

And quite frankly, and this is going to sound narcissistic, I have a star quality that the Democratic Party needs. And I have that because I'm in the entertainment business. That's why we see so many entertainers, so many actors, comedians, professional wrestlers make this transition into politics because there's a lot of similarities, right? Yeah.

And so while it might feel to some like not paying your dues, I think it's important and not narcissistic at all to recognize the qualities that you have that make people gravitate towards you or away from you, depending on how you look at it.

And for me, and why I decided to take this transition from comedy to politics is because when I put myself in a leadership position, whether it be on purpose or accidentally, that's when I really hear a response from people, right? It tells me people are thirsty for a leader. And so...

even if I feel like it is perhaps narcissistic or, you know, to think that my way is the best way someone needs to do it. Right. And I can come into this situation saying, well,

hey, I can't always guarantee you that I'm going to do the right thing. What I can guarantee you is that I'm going to think about a lot about the things that I'm going to do and the decisions I'm going to make. And I'm going to put a lot of heart and a lot of thought into it. I'm not going to just do things to do things. I'm not going to do things to gain power or to gain money. I'm going to do things because I'm going to listen to the best interests of the people. And I'm going to make those decisions based

based on that, right? A true democracy. And so, you know, when people say, you know, are you prepared to be mayor? You don't have any political background. You don't have experience. Yeah, no, I don't have experience. And I think that's a good thing. I don't have experience in what? Screwing people over? Corruption? In making deals behind your back? Please, I want you to know this. And this is going to make everyone else in politics hate me. I don't care.

Decisions about how your life is going to go are being made at conferences that you don't know about and you're not a part of. Right. It's exchanges between people. Truly, truly, truly. It is at this point with voter turnout as it is, especially for municipal elections, decisions

decisions about your future are being made, again, in rooms that you don't know exist by people you've never met and by people who don't know you. And I'm not saying they don't have your best interests in mind. I mean, I think they have maybe an idea of what you want, but ultimately it's just things that are like self-serving these special interest groups, right? That are giving them money. And so...

It's really like the Democratic Party is almost deciding in a bubble who should be the next leader of New York City or whatever place it is. That's kind of what is very clear to me. But what is also very clear to me is that if you –

want to make decisions for yourself as a group. Like if you want the people of New York city to really be making the decisions for New York city, you can choose someone like me who owes nothing to any of these people. Yeah. Right. Um,

who is just going to be like, I mean, you know, we can, we get not that this is the way people want to go. We can, we can do Instagram polls about every single decision we're making. I, I'm not here to make decisions that I want to make. I am here because I want the city to be a better place. Right. And we really do have the power, but you absolutely have to vote. Right. So as I said before, I'm doing the hard part. I'm running for mayor. That's the hard part.

But there are little things that I'm going to ask you to do along the way. February 13th, 14th has come and gone. So that's when you had the opportunity to register as a Democrat in the city of New York. So if you didn't get the chance to do that, no worries. Just kind of stay politically involved in whatever way that you can. But if you are a registered Democrat –

and you haven't voted in a primary before, make June 24th the first time that you vote in a mayoral primary, okay? I think...

If people can get excited to choose someone that they really think hears them, that June 24th is going to be the day that happens, right? Again, voter turnout for a city with millions of people is in the low hundreds of thousands. Like the person who takes the seat of mayor, this is –

a couple hundred thousand people are making this decision for you. And it doesn't need to be this way. It'll take, and again, you know, vote, like to vote on June 24th. I mean, what will it take?

30 minutes out of your day, maybe. And that's from the time you leave your house, cast your ballot, get back to your house, maybe. Right. So 30 minutes and it really could change everything. Right. And so there's things you can do. So that's number one, most important thing is voting. But number two, uh, thing that you need to do is, is donating money. And again, I hate asking for money, but I'm going to be asking for it every week because every time I ask for it, I do get more. Uh,

Um, because I think I'm really kind of trying to explain to you the importance, right? It's visibility. And so if everyone listening to this podcast, if everyone, uh, following Corinne Fisher for mayor or philanthropy gal online or Christina Hutch or, or guys, we fucked or Eric Freddie, if we all donated, and I'm just talking, if every single person donated 20 bucks, complete game changer. So $20 American citizen though. Yeah. So 20 American, uh, us resident, uh,

So $20 and 30 minutes of your time, right? When you think about that, that's the fee that I'm asking of you. So you can feel good about your leadership. And for a future with new possibilities. And if you don't live in New York City, please know I truly feel from the bottom of my heart that something like this will set a precedent for other cities.

It really will. It will make people feel like the power is in the people's hands. And I understand why voter turnout is so low, right? Because nothing ever changes. Well, nothing ever changes. And I'm seeing this in a way that I never saw it before. Nothing ever changes because...

Again, these decisions are being made for us, but ultimately they don't need to be. We can make the decisions. We just haven't. So the decision has been being made for us. Right. Right now, if the election for mayor was held today, it's

And assuming Andrew Cuomo would be a part of that again, he hasn't announced rumors are he has all kinds of stuff is going on with Eric Adams. His shit is a shit show. His deputy, a bunch of his deputy mayors stepped down in the past 24 hours. So it seems like he might announce soon that he's either not going to run for reelection. The governor might remove him, which will involve a big political trial. I mean, there's there's a lot going on, right?

But as it stands, if we were to – the people of New York City were to vote today and Andrew Cuomo was included on that ballot, Andrew Cuomo wins in a landslide according to polling. OK? Number two would be Brad Lander, comptroller. Boring. And again –

I don't think Brad's a bad person, but he's someone who's very, very ingrained in politics. He's someone who 100 there's no way he doesn't owe people favors. He has, you know, there's no way he doesn't have extreme bias. There's no way he doesn't have a pretty set way in his mind about how things should go based on people and groups and unions that he's taken money from. Right.

Democratic Party has a lot going on, a lot of inner conflict about what we should do, what are the next moves. Whereas

One of my things I think is positive about conservatives is they have less goals, but they're clearer. And everyone in the party has pretty much agreed with them. And that's why they are able to move forward the way that they have. Right. So, yeah, voting.

Again, I know sometimes people like don't be like, oh, it's only $20. I almost feel embarrassed. No, please make don't feel embarrassed. Make the donation individual donations. The amount of individual donations we have also shows how how seriously people are taking this campaign because because this is because this is the thing. I'm just not the kind of person who's going to get a bunch of

of $2,100, which is the max donation donations. I don't know a bunch of people who have $2,100 to give, but I do know thousands of people with $20 to give. And that is just as powerful if we believe that it is powerful, right? Yeah.

So that when we say – when we talk about grassroots, that's what it is. It's not about a couple people doing a lot, which is how billionaires take over. It's about all of us, the majority, doing a little. You don't need to feel overwhelmed. You don't need to feel like you have to take hours out of your day. Whatever you can give. And $20 is like – to some people –

When I say $20, I want you to think of it as like an amount of money that you can give away and you pretty much won't miss it no matter what happens, right? So for some people, that is literally $20. For some people, that's $250. For some people, that's $500. Just an amount of money that you feel comfortable basically taking a gamble. Think of this as taking a gamble at a better life for yourself. That's what I want you to think. Because again, it's been like a little over two weeks and I have already learned so much more about politics. If you had asked me,

Two and a half weeks ago, if I don't like politicians, I don't think I would have said, no, I don't like politicians. Now, two and a half weeks later, I would say I completely understand why I was watching Family Feud and they surveyed 100 people and said, who is the person that you, who's a person you hate? And number one answer was my ex. And the number two answer was politicians. No.

Now I understand why that was the answer. You understand it. I understand completely. The amount, yeah, but I have never, and I've been telling you guys to vote for years. Christina's been telling you to vote for years. I love, I know so many of you on Without a Country said, I voted for the first time ever in this presidential election because you said vote so many times. And I really need it. And that's the one thing that I have not,

changed my opinion on at all. If anything, I believe more strongly in the absolute power of an individual vote more than ever before. I cannot reiterate this enough. And it is so, so, so, so, so important to vote in your local elections because those people who gain power on a local level then just continue stepping up.

the ladder, right? They're playing a game and it is completely internal and it is completely separate from you as an individual, but it doesn't need to be. And so that's what I really wanted to just to get across to you today. The Democratic Party is in

desperate need of a voice that is interesting and that is unorthodox that will make people pay attention to politics in a way that they haven't before. And again, you call it narcissistic, whatever. But I really think this is something that I can do. I have a track record of making people...

Look at their their lives and the power that they hold as an individual in a way that they hadn't before. That's something I am good at. And again, like, don't be worried. It's not like I'm not going to go in with Trump energy like I know what's best. Right.

But what I can do is be really discerning in choosing a group of people to be around me who are all experts in their areas and all the inner workings of the city who I truly feel are experts.

educated and well-researched and open to changing their opinion, which I think is something really important that we have to look for in leaders that we don't. Um, and, and who is able to communicate, communicate with me and really advocate for the needs of the people in the city, right? Cause that's what you're doing. I'm not going to be in Gracie mansion alone. Okay. Don't you worry. We do still, even though it doesn't feel like it, we do still have checks and balances in this country. Um, um,

Unless you're Donald Trump and you fire everybody. Yeah, right. But truly, that's the only way to get rid of this Jacksonville. Right.

Right. Yeah. And so I just want you to really feel empowered, but also know that decisions that should be being made by you are being made by other people who are so far removed from you at this point that they have no idea what what is going on in your everyday life. And again, I don't it's not that I think everyone I've met along the way is bad. Not at all. But.

I had the thought so many times over the past two and a half weeks of, you know, man, I'm sure a lot of these people...

went into this job with the real, with the best of intentions. And I think very quickly, um, they became jaded and realized that having good intentions for society perhaps wasn't enough. But I argue and I push back on that and I think it can be, but not without the power of the people, which almost seems trite, but it's really not. So just to please don't feel tired and exhausted. And

When you write in or when you post on Instagram and you just think, oh, the world is falling apart, what can I do? What you can do is support a politician running on a local level, right? And so the people who say, why don't you run for city council or something lower first?

People aren't going to care about that. Okay. So we, people barely, you know, when you look at how many people are in the U S people barely voted for the president. Right. So if people are barely voting for the president, you don't then move down to voting for city council. Yeah. You go the opposite. You go think about who you're electing as governor. Think about who you're electing mayor of major cities. And then people are sought carry, start caring about those other things. That's to me, the order you go in again, just my take on it. Um,

And the one thing that actually, you know, whatever the haters and the naysayers, the one thing that no one actually has pushed back on me about is when I say that I think the Democratic Party desperately needs an interesting person with some kind of star quality. No one's pushed back on me that everyone agrees on that. Democrats and Republicans agree on that. Yeah. Yeah.

Republicans have been able to find those people, though. Yes, they have. And that's a huge advantage. And we see how that's played out. I mean, the amount of voters that have turned red in the New York City area is huge. Right. Over the last presidential election. And that's why we see the success of someone like an AOC. Right. And that's why there's so much crossover between supporters of Donald Trump and AOC. Right. They're both people who came with no political background, but they have been able to make waves. Right. And I don't think, you know,

There's been tons of conversations about whether or not AOC was experienced enough. And I myself have been part of those conversations. And I think if there's anything that I'm really clear on now, it's that we have plenty of people with experience governing us. And this is where it's left us. They don't do a good job. So perhaps we need a mix of people who have governing experience and then some people who are just really still not deaf to the needs of the people.

People who are willing to go out and truly hear what individuals have to say. So yeah, again, if everyone who hears this spiel donates $20, literally, or whatever $20 means to you in your life, CorinneFisher.com. The numbers, again, go up every day. But

It's really clear that I'm going to have to do this $25 at a time. And you have to be a U.S. resident. So please live in the United States. If you know somebody who lives in the United States and you don't,

tell them about Corinne's platform. How, I just wanted to add a couple of things to this. Um, and I wanted to start out by the episode that you guys are going to hear next week, which was live, uh, New York comedy club. It was our first campaign fundraiser event. Really fun. It was really cool. Yeah. Well, so I thought I had my, my favorite moment up until I texted with you afterwards was, um,

I loved that the people in the room when we threw it to the audience for questions came at you from this perspective of why should I trust you? That made me so happy. I want Corinne to be in the sea of crocodiles because I know that.

She will absolutely get out of that and leave all these naysayers in the dust. I'm so confident in that. I loved that they gave a shit and there was not blind support. They had to earn – Corinne had to earn their support and she did. And my favorite moment was –

everybody in the room when they asked these very thoughtful questions about the environment. They were not easy questions. I was like, you guys are coming to Valentine's Day with some hardcore political questions. I fucking loved that they were not easy. I was so happy. It made me so happy that they were hard-hitting questions. One person asked a question about what do you say to the New Yorkers who want more affordable housing but not on my block? I fucking loved

I loved that. That was a great question. And I think also really speaks to the hypocrisy that many Democrats feel. Yeah. Especially, you know, further left-leaning Democrats within their own party. And why for, you know, I'm calling myself a Democrat now because I do believe that the party can be rehabilitated if we all...

you know, if we all agree to do it together. But I mean, you know, I'm a liberal gone rogue. I'm not trying to hide that. And why did I go rogue? Because I found the Democratic Party to be ineffective and also just worrying about this minutia that is...

That is keeping us arguing when we all share pretty much, you know, our goals are all similar, but our pathway to get to these goals perhaps takes different routes, right? And so we're arguing about what route to take when the Republicans are charging full steam ahead down their yellow brick road. Yeah. Good luck. United people get shit done. But so my favorite part of the night was feeling everybody in that room, like,

I felt the energy so clear as day. Everybody in the room after Corinne fielded those questions, they had this air of, oh, fuck, you would be a very powerful choice for mayor of New York City. That was such an exciting thing to be in the room for. And I think you're going to hear that in the episode. But the other thing that you had texted me about, Corinne, after that honestly got me even more excited was,

was when we were filming a mayor on street video after we did our first part of a part of a series. We filmed something. We went on the streets. We were in Bushwick, Brooklyn, and we were talking to people trying to engage. And a lot of people were busy about going about their day. And I'm very the second someone tries to talk to me as a New Yorker, I'm like, nope, I go across the street. I go like I treat you worse than I would treat a man. I like dodge you like a bullet.

But, you know, we did get to talk to a lot of people. You got to talk to a lot of people. And there was this guy, this younger man that you spoke with that seemed very engaging. And he just had he had star quality for sure. He did have star quality. That's the first thing I said when me and Christina walked away from him. I said, I hope that guy does run for politics. Yeah. He has star quality. He expressed his interest in wanting to run for politics one day. So he stopped with his girlfriend and they had an interesting conversation. And then after the show, Corinne and I both had to leave right.

right after the show. And, um, Corinne said that guy that we stopped and talked to the video came to the event that I don't know why that, that was my favorite part of this so far is that you, you actually engage somebody who was very engaging himself and like,

really gave a shit. There's a lot of young people and a lot of young people in New York City, but all around the world, who give a shit. And I'm like, thank God. Thank God. And he asked a really interesting question about the environment and how are you going to incorporate environmental protections in your policy. And I loved his question, but I loved that you engaged him on the street. And he came to the event. He asked a thoughtful question, and you knocked the answer out of the park. And I'm just – it was so, so exciting. And I've also –

Yeah, and it's also just like the power of like – so I talked face-to-face with a guy I've never met that stopped on the street for literally two minutes. It was freezing cold out. It was freezing cold. For two minutes, we had a two-minute face-to-face conversation. And whatever I said to him or however I made him feel, within that two minutes, I was able to get him to come –

to another borough to a comp, like to a, on Valentine's day, on a Valentine's show, to on Valentine's day to sit and listen to us talk for an hour and a half. Like I don't, we didn't even leave him with a business card or, or a palm cards. We don't have those yet. He just followed me on Instagram. Yeah. He followed me on Instagram and, uh, yeah. And then he was so interested. And I think like,

I know most of you probably listening aren't in the business of something where you have to sell tickets to make money. This is very stressful. But to have that amount of interaction with someone and then to get them to buy a ticket to your show is really incredible. That's hard to do. I cried when you texted me that. I thought that was amazing. I thought it was so beautiful. And think about this. Yeah.

Man, young people, I love you. I love you so much. And I love – when I was younger, when I was in my 20s, in like a voting age, I have – I still have big goals for myself. Clearly we still have big goals for ourselves, Corinne and I. Like we really try to lead by example here, and Corinne is doing an absolutely amazing job of it. But it's beautiful to see these young people give so much of a shit about the environment and the planet and where it's going. And I'm like the amount of young people that have voted in the New York City Democratic primary for mail is –

So low. It's so low. And you guys, you guys are the engine, man. And I think that young people in New York could elect you mayor easily. But think about like New York City has the biggest municipality budget of any city in the United States. There is so much money here and there's so many things here.

And we're seeing this on the federal level and right in front of our eyes on the city level in our beloved New York City. Why are we taking this money? And this is our tax dollars that we earned, and we are giving a portion of our income that is hard-earned to the government, and what are they doing with it?

Whatever they want is the answer. Exactly. They're spending it on more policing. And it's like, why are our public school curriculum so fucked? Why aren't these kids going out into the workforce feeling empowered, knowing how to code, knowing how to critically think? And local government is so fucking exciting. And I always knew it to be exciting, but...

diving deep into this process has made me even more excited and more of a believer in the power of local government. But like, could you imagine the email that we read at the top of this intro? This lovely woman said, you two help me get the confidence to get out of an unhappy marriage. Could you imagine somebody who leads with their character by being themselves be in charge of the biggest municipality budget in the entire country? It might help us all to get out of the abusive relationship that we're in with our government. Yeah.

You know, that's what, that's what I'm hoping. Again, I talk about this all the time on without a country, but there are, you know, the parallels from doing a relationship podcast to then doing a, you know, a government podcast are consistently there. And I think it's a really easy way to explain, you know, a circumstance that is happening, um, in government to people in a way that they understand because they've experienced it firsthand, but there are parallels everywhere. The way we conduct our interpersonal relationships, uh,

absolutely is reflected in our government. The way we stand up for ourselves in our place of work, in our school, to our lover, to our husband, to our child, to whatever. Like the way we stand up for ourselves can be one of the most empowering gifts that you will ever give yourself.

And so can you imagine the city that is the most – one of the most famous cities in the world but certainly the most famous city in the United States, the city that sets the precedent. Sorry, other cities. No, I mean I love you. I love you, LA, San Diego, fucking Detroit. I love – there are so many beautiful cities in this country.

But New York City has this way about it, this electricity. It's why everybody drains their savings accounts to move here because of the undeniable electricity from the people that live here. Could you imagine if somebody is in this leadership position in the most famous city in the country that sets the precedent for the rest of the country? Like it is the most – Corinne Vermeer of New York City –

could be it is such a powerful choice and it's like really um reinvigorating i mean and can you think of a bigger fuck you to donald trump i know that's one of my favorite parts but i try to be like you know middle of the road about it this is like you know i also do know people who who are fans of donald trump who are also fans of me and i and i assert you know but i think they know from the way that i you know conduct myself that i'm not

anti-them. I believe that they, you know, again, what they want is they want to, they want a different style of government because what they've been being served isn't working for them. So I understand that. Sure. There's just two different ways to go about it. You want change. And one, you know, and also what I, this is the other thing I was thinking about, right? So when we talk about having no experience in politics and be like,

It's interesting because we accept a couple different type of people to run for office. We're comfortable with people who are already in politics and we're comfortable with like

hedge fund managers philanthropists entrepreneurs usually men with a lot of money and then we wonder why our government doesn't take care of us and only takes care of people with money and the decisions are all being made by corporations well because you only trust politicians or people who have a background in making a lot of money do you think that the hedge fund manager made his money through grassroots donations yes

I'm asking you to Taco Bell, bitch. Cause that's what I said. I spent a lot of time thinking about what is the best way to answer that question? What is the, you know, cause I don't need to convince me. I've already convinced myself. I, I, you know, I understand it's a, it's a huge role and I would not be stepping into something if I feel like I was going to fuck everything up. Sure. Um, but that's why. So if we're talking about grassroots, if we're talking about someone who, um,

knows how to change things for herself. I, number one, got myself out of the tax bracket that I was born into. Statistically, very few people are able to do that. So that's number one. I used to know the stats for that, but most people...

will remain in the tax bracket that they were born into. Really? Damn, that sucks. So number, and most people never move more than a couple of miles outside of the place that they were born, which is crazy to me. So that's number one. Number two took, you know, with Christina took something, um, that had a market value of zero, $0, which is us talking on a microphone and turned it into something that has a multimillion dollar market value. Right. Um, again, uh, that's true. Uh,

I took over a small business. Most small businesses don't see profits until year three. I saw profits year one. Yes. It, why I will argue, of course it was an existing business. So easier to take over, not taking it from scratch. You took it over when your father was, but I did also, I moved the entire brick and mortar to a, uh, not only a new city, but a new state. So that kind of is like, take like starting almost from scratch again, because you can't, you can't use the same customers that you once had. Right. Yeah. And so all these things on paper, uh,

Why are we more impressed by entrepreneurs and hedge fund managers who most likely made their money by screwing somebody over? That's why the housing market is such shit. There's a lot of hedge fund companies. And why aren't we satisfied with experience, meaning that you –

you know, created a small business successfully or multiple small businesses successfully. Right. And I think a lot of this is just because this is what we've been fed. Right. This is what we've been fed time and time again. So we need to recalibrate our minds. And the last point I wanted to make today is that,

And it's very exciting is that millennial women are the largest group by a landslide of registered Democrats in New York City or the largest group. So this is something where if you feel powerless as a woman, you feel like you are getting your rights taken away from you. You feel like people make decisions and they don't consider you.

We have the we millennial women can change the decision in the mayoral race. New York City 2025. We have the power and we are people who communicate with each other. Right. We do. We are people who take action. We vote. We're interested. We're engaged.

So, you know, over brunch. Yeah, sure. Talk about the guy you're dating. Also mention, hey, have you looked at who's running for mayor this year? There's some really interesting there's there's this really interesting candidate, Corinne Fisher. I know her from a pot, you know, whatever it is.

Talk about voting and make sure that your friends are showing up to the Democratic primary on June 24th and donating. And again, I'm going to say this every single week, too. If you have a group of ladies or anyone, but I mean, specifically women, just because I think that's a lot of people who listen to the show. If you have a group and you get together, you're a book club, you're a wine club, whatever it is.

20 people or whatever. I will come in person and talk to you and earn your vote. Yep. Happy to do it. And you can – Happy to do it. A woman, a listener DMed me who has a book club in New York City that we're going to get Corinne. I gave her my email address. We're going to talk. I want to get Corinne in front of these people. I also want to leave you with this idea or something for your imagination to go with.

is like how cool would it be if the person who inspires hundreds of thousands of people to get out of an abusive relationship is the person deciding how much money public school teachers make and what the children are learning for their curriculum and how policing is being approached in the city and how we can heal, you know,

mental illness in the city without having to call the cops that statistically will only beat the shit out of the person having a mental health crisis. How cool would it be if the greatest city in the world was led by empathy?

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Today's guest. Yes. She really is. This is a great conversation. I love this woman so much. Yes. I'm also going to need you guys to take a shot every time Christina or the guest cries. It's a bunch. It's a bunch. You can be wasted. She has a very special show.

show coming up that you are going to be familiar with after you listen to this interview but I just want to let you know it's February 27th at the Upper West Side location of New York Comedy Club and she's going to tell you in this interview why the show is so special and you will be very excited so please if you're in New York February 27th New York Comedy Club ladies and gentlemen she is a stand-up comedian and she is just an angel all around please welcome to the show Khalees Hawkins

We are here with stand-up comedian and just life enthusiast. I feel like we have a lot in common. Khalees Hawkins, everybody. Welcome to the show. I like that. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, we have very similar passions. And I just remember that one time we hung out when you come over my 34th Street apartment. And I was like, let's smoke. Yeah, I got so high. It was so fun. What's it called? Volcano. Volcano.

Yeah, I've since moved that to storage because I'm like, I feel like that's too stonery. I'm in my late 30s now. I don't want to be like rip roaringly stoned. And I live with my boyfriend. So I'm like, that's just a me activity or a friend, a stoner friend. It's a very solitude type thing. I completely stopped. I'm a little closer to your mouth, so sorry to interrupt. Okay. Like that? A little bit closer. Closer? Am I close enough? Let me see.

Hello. It's great. I hear you. Okay. I've completely stopped smoking. Yeah? How is it? It's great. Yeah? I think I was using it to hide from feelings and, you know. It gives you a little bit of a buffer between you and the world, but I like smoking at night because my mind does not stop, and when I smoke, it just allows me to just kind of chill, really. Yeah. I was smoking it to fall asleep, for sure. And now I just do breathing exercises, but I also listen to music. Nice.

Oh, yeah. Like binaural beats kind of masturbation. Yeah. Masturbation is honestly very helpful. So for sleeping. Sometimes I don't even finish. I wake up. I'm like, oh, yeah. I've woken up with my vibrator in my hand multiple times. I'm like, oh, wow. I

I was too tired to fuck myself. So you had sent us over a list of topics, which I'm very excited to dive into. But it seems by the bullet points that you sent me, like, you're such a good mom in terms of, like, nurturing your kids' independence. And...

But you talk about becoming an empty nester soon. So talk to me more about that. Okay. Well, you know what? Yesterday on Instagram, I saw this interesting thing. Okay? It was like this whole Nazi thing. Sorry. I know. I know. I'm jumping in. No, that's – this is the world we live in. Let's start with Nazis. Yeah.

They're there. But it was this lady. I wish I remembered her name. I wish I had pulled this up. But it's this lady who started this whole thing with sleep training. Okay. And it was in order to dumb down the population, to make them kind of like desensitized in order to give them more direction. So-

The mothers disconnected from the babies and wouldn't answer their calls, wouldn't attend to their needs. So sleep training is when you let the kid cry and you don't tend to them, right? And it was invented by Nazis. No way. That's what I'm trying to tell you. In order to, not dumb down the population, but to make them more obedient, to make them more less emotional. Okay. To make them like...

Yeah, that makes sense. It's hardening from a young age. You just have to deal with it. No one's going to come and comfort you. That's very interesting. I read something recently about sleep training and how it was bad. And I was like, oh, wow, I didn't know that because I've heard a lot of young moms that I know talk about sleep training and no red flags came up. But then when I read that article, I'm like,

Yeah, it is traumatizing because it's a baby. The baby is helpless. And the baby wants to develop a sense of trust with the parent and you're completely shattering that with sleep training. And it doesn't get its needs met and it expects that out of life. Right. It's not getting its needs met and its emotions don't matter, right? You're raising a sheep. So I was raising my kid 18 years ago as a baby. What am I saying this? Okay.

And I wanted to do everything right. Right. Yeah. It was like the biggest thing on the menu is like, you got to sleep train. You got it. Or else they're going to get too attached to you and they're never going to be able to like live without you. And they're going to have some kind of a weird attachment issues. Right. But once I had a baby in my arms and it was crying, I was like,

That idea, the feeling of it crying was excruciating for me. So I felt like such a bad mom because I never put her down. I never made her go to sleep. I always rocked her to bed. I would fall asleep with her in a baby Bjorn, like sitting straight up. Yeah. I would fall asleep with her next to me in the bed. I mean, that's maybe not as safe. So the opposite of sleep training, but...

Everything based off of how she felt. I wouldn't even shower, you know? Yeah. Because if she wasn't okay, she was also very colicky. Like I always had to hold her. I always had to rub her back. She was always like cranky and like gassy. So I never sleep trained and I always thought like, oh no, I'm messing her up. But,

But then pre-K three comes along. I take her to pre-K three. I was so nervous to leave her. I thought she's going to be really attached to me. I'm Mimi. That's what she called me. And then she goes in the door and she runs in and all the kids are clinging to their parents, crying, screaming. They won't go in. She runs in and she's ready to meet everybody. And I was like, wow. Cause she had a safe base. I think so. I don't, I don't think I was like, okay, I don't think, and I try to tell everybody, I was like, I don't think that sleep training thing is a real thing. You don't feel it. You don't,

feel it it hurts so bad when they cry I visited my one of my close close friends has a baby who is about a month old now and I was with her and getting to hold like a baby is a magical being it is it is ethereal it's visceral like and and you know there was moments where she went for a walk with my other friend and she was like can I leave a baby with you I'm like yes please

This week I want a baby. Every week I change my mind. But I got to be with her and she was crying and I got to like figure out the movements that were comfortable to her and she just wanted to be by your heartbeat. So like she kept leaning her head into my chest and I was like, oh my God. Like it was so precious. But that's so interesting. I think there's a lot of industries that prey on a young mother, first-time mothers, you

lack of knowledge because my friend was telling me they just give you the baby and I had to ask like how do you swaddle they had a lactation consultant that was all she got taught from the hospital and they're like she's like it's crazy they just give you this baby and

Okay. See ya. Yeah, it's very scary. I was very terrified that I was... I'm still scared, you know, 18 years later. But as long as she was dependent on me physically, I was terrified that I was going to hurt her. I remember one time she had her at this little gym and there was a baby party going on. So I was holding the Juicy Juice and I was holding her and then she started turning pink and then she started fretting and then I put her down and she was just like...

Just cranky. And I was like, what's going on? And then I realized she was choking. Oh, fuck. Wow. And so I took her to my friend Ilse, who was one of the teachers there, and I just handed her to her. She's choking. Please help me. She called over a firefighter. He dumped her over. And when they hit their back, it's terrifying. Really? They hit them so hard. Really? She coughed it up. Yeah. It's...

it's necessary, but it's necessary. Yeah. She coughed it up and then I scooped it. I saw it in her mouth. I scooped it out and I was like, Oh my God. And then I left her with her babysitter for three days. I was like, I can't, I can't hold her. I can't touch her. I almost, I almost let her die. Wow. She choking on, um, it was like the little plastic part. They had separated it for every kid and in a little plastic part of the juicy juice. Oh, the cover of the straw.

Oh, my gosh. That was lodged in her throat. Fuck. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, there was an instance my mom told me when I was a baby that I was choking on something. And she was like, what the fuck? And then she took me. She ran out into the cul-de-sac and was screaming, my baby is choking. Somebody help. And the neighbor, I don't think this is what he was supposed to do, but he stuck his finger down my throat. But it released because it was liquid, I think, that I was choking on. And she was, yeah. I mean, having a baby, holding a baby freaks me out because I'm like, you are so...

delicate and your head like you can't touch parts of their head and so it doesn't get like less scary as they get older. And then sometimes there's like a would you rather how you save them. Yeah. Like I remember one time so my landlord when she was a really small baby when she was a newborn baby my landlord was horrible so somebody put like a

burning envelope into my stairwell oh it's one of those apartments where you can only get up through the stairwell there is no other area yeah straight up to your apartment so i started smelling the smoke the stairs started getting on fire and so i'm like leaning my kid out the window because smoke is filling my apartment i'm leaning the kid out the window and i'm yelling help this guy comes by and he's like throw me the baby and i'm like what are you michael jackson throw

throw me the pitch. I don't know, man. Men are always so confident they're going to catch something. They're really confident about that. It's not a football. And so I just leaned her out the window and I was like, no!

Would you rather your baby die of smoke inhalation or that guy just run away? It encouraged me. I was like, what if he started the fire? Right, right. I think you made the right choice there. I ended up calling the fire department. They ran it. This is another thing. Before her, I was a huge vegetarian. I'm a vegetarian again. Well, pescatarian now because I'm trying to be safe or whatever. But I was a huge vegetarian. I cared about all living things. Then when I had her, we had mice everywhere.

and she started getting like bumps and I didn't know if it was fleas or it turns out she had eczema, but I didn't know if it was the mice. So that changed something in my heart. It hardened my heart and I started putting glue traps everywhere.

to catch all the mice. Cause your mama there now, I got kind of evil about it too. Like I would leave like a baby mouse on there. I'm like, call to your family because I didn't want it to hurt my baby. I'm glad you said that. I'm glad you're saying this. I do have a theory that when, when people, when people start having their own children, they care less about the outside world and more and more about their family units. It changed. Yeah. Yeah. And so the firefighters came and they busted the downstairs door. They busted into my apartment and then they stepped

on all the clothes because I had the whole bedroom lined with glue chops for the mice. It's just like the cut off head in a Game of Thrones episode. Like, this is an example. Their boots were full of glue chops. Damn. I forgot to move them. I was too busy trying to save my kid. They really do traipse in when you call the firefighters. They traipse in. Their outfits are very big. They're very muddy, the boots. And you're like, you know...

You're making things worse unless it's like a fire where the whole place is going to get taken down. Like they're just knocking pictures off walls. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, oh, my God, this is a lot. It's always interesting when you like new parents describe your complete change of priority once you have a kid. And like watching my brother become a father was a moment I'll never forget because I was in the hospital and I heard him say that's my son for the first time. And I watched him.

his priorities, all he cares about. And my nephew's eight or nine and he's like, I only care about him. Like whatever, like mom and dad can do whatever as long as they don't hurt him, nothing matters. I'm like, wow. That's, and he, you know, to see a man get that way, I'm like, wow, that's very impressive. Like the power of having a child is...

It's big. It's big. And everybody thought I was going to quit and drop out of comedy and move home. I didn't have a home to move home to. Okay. Yeah. I don't have a relationship with my family that's like that. Yeah. But also there's sublimation. It is big. It is powerful. Yeah. And so in order to know that I'm raising my kid right, I had to go harder. You know what I mean? Like I had to make sure that I was doing the right things in comedy. I had to make sure that I was showing up. It actually worked the

opposite way I wasn't beautiful I didn't get to leave her very often I didn't want to leave her very often but I had to make sure that I was doing the right specific things that I was staying in comedy for like eight and a half months in to pregnancy I flew out to stand up for diversity NBC yeah the competition and if I hadn't done that at that time I wouldn't be here

Wow, really? Because they kept me involved. They kept me going on auditions. I auditioned for SNL with my baby on a blanket. It's got to be the worst. I'm pretty sure they lost it. It's got to be the worst audition. Send us the tapes. Because I didn't even want anybody holding my baby while I was in the room. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Were you doing impressions? I'm trying to do something. I don't even remember. I know it was bad. I kept looking down at my baby and she was just going, I have this thing where I can't

I can't like do stuff out of camera. I don't, it's not real to me. Yeah. You need the audience. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We need that. And I've heard when you audition for SNL, like there's maybe three people in the room and then a lot of people are watching from a camera or something. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's not good. There was just this one lady and I had my one blanket and my baby on the floor. Oh my gosh. But all the hope. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Kept me in it. I was asking my friend yesterday and I'm curious over the weekend. I'm curious what your thoughts are. I was asking her like she was explaining to me that it's something I've heard explained by parents a lot.

my brother included of like this type of love you feel towards your kid is more powerful than any type of love. And I was like, even more powerful than romantic, like the best, most powerful romantic love you could have ever experienced. And she was like, hands down. Yeah. And that's the sign. That's, that's the truth. And that's a sign. If you ever feel more romantically towards somebody else than your daughter, something's wrong. And something's probably, I, I hate to like blame people, but he's probably doing something that's making you cut your feelings off of your child.

I was going to say, I was like, I love my dog more than anyone I've ever dated easily. And I don't find that offensive. And it doesn't mean that I don't like, like the boyfriends. I'm just like, yeah, my dog is first. So to me, that sounds normal. It's just cool that like, there's something more powerful than romantic love out there or like love, like that type of love just seems based off everybody I've talked to the most powerful love on the market. Yeah. I always used to describe it as like having your heart outside of your body. Yeah.

It's a terrifying kind of love. That sounds scary. It is. It's terrifying. Yeah. And so your daughter is going to college? Yes. She wants to live on campus. We're not sure we can swing it yet, but that's okay because as a Midwestern girl who figured out how to live here and survive here, I'm very happy that if she can live with me, we're still kind of

cheating the system. Yeah, sure. So if I can get her into on campus, I want to because, you know, I've been the only one nagging at her this whole time and I've been the only one who's big influence on her and I really want her to have outside influences. Yeah. And I really want her to integrate what's going on with other people with what was going on with me. Like she said, when she said, I did, I was surprised actually. She was like, I want to live on campus and then it like hit me so quickly. I was like, yeah, I've been a lot. Yeah.

But also I just think it's like that's what makes it different from high school. Like college, like I feel like it's like the experience – part of the most important part of college is living on campus. And deciding like how to create a home with other people who are also your age and just kind of like winging it. I learned so much from –

just about life and myself in college. I think that's the biggest, the biggest experience of independence you will ever have in your life is the day you move out. Yeah. I think it's the most important thing about becoming an adult. It doesn't even seem to be much about getting a job anymore. It's more like practicing being an adult. Exactly. And, and knowing who you are. Yeah. Um, what, what, um, how has it been raising a teenager? Um,

She's great. She's great. She's like, I don't know. I got really blessed. She feels like it's going to sound wrong. Everything sounds wrong when you talk as a mother. Because I remember all the shaming that like a Lindsay Lohan had with her mom. It's like, oh, they're like sisters. But you know what? When I'm in a restaurant and somebody goes, is this your sister? I'm like, I love that when they think I'm her sister. I take her to the doctor and they think I'm her sister. I love that. But I feel like she's my sister.

Better mom. Really? I don't know. Is she a very wise kid? I don't know. It's not that. It's more like the love. Yeah. The support. The compassion. She's made me a better daughter because of the way she's patient with me. The way I watch her deal with me when I'm in a bad mood. I go, okay, I'll try that with my mom.

Thanks for the tip. So yeah, I don't mean like she's actually the mature one in our relationship. I don't mean like she's like taking on adult responsibilities because she's definitely not. She's definitely very young for her age. I mean like the love. She's retraining me on what love is supposed to feel like.

Wow. That's beautiful. And so my mom never gave me that, you know? And so I don't, so I guess I said it wrong. She's not like my mom, but she reminds, she's so much like my actual mom that it's hard to, I don't think of her. I actually always call her my little sister cause she reminds me of my little sister, you know? Cause me and my little sister, I basically raised my little sister cause my mom was always out doing police work. And so sometimes when I'm home with my kid, I feel like I'm home with my little sister. My mom just hasn't come back to feed us yet. Yeah.

but that's cute. But so she doesn't, but she's like my mom. Like she says stuff that my mom would say that she never was around my mom. I don't know how, where she got it from. Yeah. Nature. That's the kind of thing I'm like, where? And she's an artist like my mom. She wants to draw like my mom. And you know, she watches all these police things like my mom. I'm like, Oh,

That's so fascinating. I know. I'm like, how are you so much like her, but you're so loving and compassionate and caring and patient? Wow. She's giving me all that back that I never had as a kid. That's beautiful. Also, kids, like, there's something, too, with, like, girls that are just, they have this, like...

Their heart is pure and beautiful and wonderful. Not every girl. And a lot of boys, too. But has your daughter, the love that she has shown and that's taught you about life more, has your relationship with your mom altered or evolved? Yeah, it's gotten a lot better. That's nice. Because I see her being patient with me. And I never... I guess if people knew us, they would say that I've had those moments with her. But I think...

Because she's had those moments with me, I've had to reverse engineer my emotional reactions. That's nice. As somebody with a tough mom, I'm like, oh, that sounds really nice and healing. Yeah, it has been. And I wouldn't want to have to put all of it on her, but this is what she got. I didn't know what else to do. She's teaching you these things. She has. She's a really good kid. She's a really good person. So, yeah.

I've had to learn how to be a better person and a better mom to rise to the occasion of what she's been giving me as an innocent soul. Yeah. But I mean, don't you think she's a good person in part because of you? I mean, you raised her. I guess so. And you're very loving. I guess so. And so, you know, when you say that, that makes me go like, my mom must be also a very good person. It's just like emotionally she's...

Not very... I don't know. Didn't give you exactly what you needed, which a lot of parents don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a tough attitude to grow up in if you are sensitive. Yeah. I think it works for some kids and then it just doesn't work for others. Yeah. Even my last visit, she was like, you're too sensitive. After she did something to me, she goes, and it's hurting you more than everybody around you, so you should really... It's like, no. I don't think I'm... I realize I've studied a lot of narcissism and I get it now. She's reacting...

she thinks I'm the personality that reacts to her toxicity versus you haven't given me a peaceful place to just be myself. Yeah. So I'm not being too sensitive. It's just been four days of this shit, bitch. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, too. And you're also like a very loving person. And I feel like people like that. I'm thinking of both of our moms. Like they don't, they're like, that makes them feel uncomfortable because they have to, they have to look at a side of humanity that, that gives them the echo most. But I got her hugging. I got her saying, I love you at the end of phone calls. Oh, that's great. Okay. She's softening. But I imagine she's strengthening her mask if nothing else.

But no, I do see a little bit. There's stuff in there. And you look at your parent, especially when you get to a certain age. I'll be 45 at the end of this month, right? So you look at them, you go, oh, what happened to you?

Oh, man. What happened to you? You got hard. Well, parents always say – my mom has always said this to me and I wonder if your mom said this and how it turned out. She always says when she's treating me good and bad, you're going to understand this when you have kids. Like even when she was being pretty emotionally abusive, you'll understand when you have kids. You'll understand when you have kids. And my brother said like mom and dad always said to us, you'll understand when you have kids and I do. I get it. I just don't want to be so –

on my kid like they were with us. But did you, did your mom say that to you? Like you'll understand my way. Oh yeah, for sure. But the thing is psychology has advanced. Yeah. Now I understand what you were doing wrong more than I, you know, I'm not, she does, but I do, I do see the impulses, you know, and I don't know if this is the best way to raise a kid either. I don't ever want her to feel the way I have felt about my mom towards me. So when I feel myself having one of those reactions towards her, I,

I go, I take a moment by myself. She's in her room and I come back and I go, I shouldn't have spoken to you that way. Nobody should ever speak to you that way. And I'm going to work on it. Yeah. I'm like, Oh, that would have been so nice to hear.

I know, but I make a lot of mistakes. Look, she's calling right now because that's what happens with her. You guys are really connected. Yeah, she'll be upset if I don't. This thing is like, it makes it really weird because, you know, back in the day, we couldn't get in touch with our parents like that. And so if she doesn't hear back from me, she gets so worried. She gets so worried. Do you need to answer that really quick? I'll answer it real quick. I'll put her on speakerphone. You're on speakerphone on a podcast, okay? Okay.

I just wanted to make sure I answered so you know I'm okay. So, all right. Yes, of course. All right. Okay, that's okay. You want to say hi? Hi. Hi. Hi. It's Corinne and Christina from Guys We Fucked. She's 18 now. Yeah, yeah. She's an adult. Oh, we got 15-year-olds listening. All right, have fun. Love you. Bye. Aw.

That's beautiful. I love the way you mother. I feel like I get healed from hearing how you talk to your daughter. That's really cool. And I think that like, I always also try to really, I'm in this era of my life where with the mom stuff where I'm like, I really try to consider what my mom was up against.

And that was way worse than what I was up against. It just was. Her mom was stricter with her than she was with me and society. I was going to say that because that's what I've been telling people on stage. Women couldn't do shit when she was a little girl. They were told that they were nothing and that they'll never be anything. And they had all the proof.

Right? So my mom was the first black female police officer in our city. First black female sergeant, then lieutenant, and then internal affairs. So I go, that's where your narcissism comes from. You have no balance. If everybody's telling you you're not good enough to do something, you're the first doing it. You got to say, you're the best at everything except for being a mom. Yeah, yeah. And it makes sense. It makes sense. It allows you to have this...

the level of compassion that you didn't have earlier and it just it just reframed everything a reframing is it's vital for growth the first step though to mending our relationship was her move when I was pregnant with my kid she came for the for the delivery and my friend my best friend Sarah from sixth grade she passed out

When I got the epidural, she passed out. That's hilarious. I wasn't going to allow my mom to be in the delivery room because I didn't want that energy in there. But then I needed someone and she rose the occasion and she was just kind and she was sweet and she held the baby for me. And I was like, take pictures. I want to make sure it's my baby that I take home. Right. Yeah. And then honestly,

valid concern. Yes! Because a lot of babies look the same, yeah. And then she was in this huge court case for racial discrimination with like, I don't know, maybe 12 other cops. You can look it up. Lieutenant, I mean, Internal Affairs Investigator, Lieutenant Joy, whatever. She was in this huge court case and

I was so scared and she stayed and she missed the ending of her court case. Wow. And they were able to swipe it underneath her and make a deal behind her back and take the money. Oh no. Which caused her to go. I'm more sharing. Well, but she was there for you. It's all in the news. It caused her to go into early retirement and she was a little bit sad about it, but she had, she had an interview about it, but it was like the first time I was like, wow,

She's a mom. Yeah. And a badass. She chose me over the most defining moment of her career. Wow. And I can't imagine being a female as a police officer and then being a black female. Right. Holy shit. Those are two uphill battles that never go away. But my mom thinks of me as much weaker than these. Like, look at me. I can almost never... I keep almost crying. I'm stuttering through this whole thing. I mean, you had me crying when you were telling me how you talked to your daughter. I'm like...

Well, and also, I mean, I'm sure she had to, you know, shut off a part of herself to survive being a black female police officer. I mean, I think to survive nowadays, even as like a white male police officer, we see people having to shut off an emotional part of themselves, which is why

police officers react in the way they do where they don't they're not policing with any sort of empathy they're grabbing for the gun immediately yeah I used to ask her like what is it like to see a dead body and she's like oh it's nothing it's just a shell of a person then when I was 13 I was like okay and I could sleep easy then I got older and I met death and I was just like

It's a shell. That was a person in there. Isn't that devastating? That's terrible. But my mom also, I think about her psyche a lot. Her first born child, Rose Ellen,

was strangled in the umbilical cords and she didn't make it. Right. Oh my God. So then she had my brother and then she was having me and I was being strangled in the umbilical cords. So she had my brother natural and then she had to get, I had to be cut out and like revived. Wow. So that must've been terrifying for her. I didn't, I still didn't put it together until I have four cats, right? One of my cats passed. I don't talk about it cause it's like,

Yeah, that's tough. And when I found it under the bed, I touched it and it was stiff and I was really upset. And I started emotionally distancing myself from the other cats. I couldn't touch them. I couldn't love them. I couldn't be near them. I started to hate them. Yeah. Because I had never been through that kind of loss. My grandma's 102. I've never been through... Damn, girl.

Yeah. Um, and then I finally started coming back around and realizing they need me and I'm still working my way back to being as close as I was to them before. And I go, that's what happened to her without psychology, without any kind of support system. She had a child who passed who she wouldn't even visit the grave. And then her next child scared her in that same way. And she didn't have the equipment to,

to come back from that for me. And she just was cold to me my whole life.

Yeah. The more I kind of gain understanding naturally about my parents' circumstances, the more I go, they could have been a lot worse, honestly. They could have done way worse shit than what they actually did. So that was the phrase my mom used. I did the best I knew how to. And she's right. Every time she always say, I always did the best I knew how to. And now that I'm going to be this age and I've experienced enough of life, I go, that's true. Because I go back and I visit her and I go, she still don't know how to do that much. Yeah.

and she's trying she really is trying she didn't know better she would do better like that's all of us yeah that's beautiful because she wants to get it right yeah and she just has these old-fashioned beliefs you know so she's trying to get it right old-fashioned wise you know yeah that makes all the sense in the world i mean at least she's trying i think some people kind of just stop trying at a certain point so that's something yeah it is it really is yeah it's hard you're like oh okay well i guess this is what we're gonna get um in this lifetime

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You talked about being – the difficulty in being an independent thinker, which I think too – like I really relate to your sensitivity because I feel it too and I feel like I try to – it's – you – who was I talking to?

that was said to me, you have to, oh, it was in my Patreon, Cherokee. You have to work hard to stay soft. Because I don't want to harden and I feel myself hardened all the time. And I feel like there's, you know, we had to do that as a kid to survive. Like it's almost like a knee jerk thing. So you have to like retrain your brain. But being an independent thinker, I think too, is also tough. I would imagine when you are sensitive and you know, you could feel people's feelings even if they aren't saying them. And it's like,

so how has that been? Like, how has that evolved for you trying to be an independent thinker? Well, that's why I was drinking for the most of this career and smoking for the most of this career. Um, sleeping through is sleeping as much as I possibly could during the day. Yeah. Um,

a lot of porn. I stopped watching porn, which is crazy. Yeah, I know. I, well, I liked porn for a while, but then I realized it's even trying to be manipulative. Yes. The kinds of like ideas it's trying to put in your head are really unhealthy. Yeah. Um, and when you masturbate to your imagination, you're like, Oh, this is more enjoyable. It is enjoyable. Yeah, you got to try harder, but it's enjoyable. I,

But so, and I think I've always been in a relationship. This is the first, this is the longest that I've been outside of a relationship, two years. And I've only been on a date with two different guys, like one guy, one year later. And then a year later, this last guy who that didn't work out very quickly. Yeah. So yeah.

helped me think for myself. I am kind of a very isolated Midwestern, probably on the spectrum black girl who nobody realized that was what was going on with me. And because my mom's a cop, she was like, everything's dangerous, everything's scary. So we stay at home a lot. And I stayed away from a lot of people because I don't

really mesh with a lot of people. Yeah. I had a tight-knit group of friends, Nyambi, Portia, Lexi, Crystal, and then a handful of male friends outside of my honors program classes full of white kids because they didn't let many of the black kids in. And I was very isolated. So...

I always depended on a stronger person's ideology than mine as my anchor for reality. Because back in our day even, everything was your crazy and that would rule you out of everything. If anybody found out you were different at all, if you thought differently at all, you were crazy and done. You couldn't – they wouldn't let you work. Like people were looking out for a reason as to. You couldn't be their friend. You couldn't be on a sport. Yeah. And so everything that was neurodivergent was just mental illness to people.

Yeah. And so I was in hiding. So I always needed a really strong, like somebody who was very divert, like neuro, what is it? What's the other one? Neurotypical. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody who was very like anchored into this society to help guide me and hold my hand and explain things to me. Why, why were people reacting to me this way? Why were people so mean? I'm not going to cry. Oh, do me people be mean makes me, uh, yeah. Makes me cry a lot. Cause I'm like, why would you do that?

But then I'm real quick to fire back in a way that I'm like, now I'm becoming you, but worse. But people are mean because when you take it a step further, people are being mean because there's something missing within themselves. So then you can cry again about that. That's where we're at now. Yeah, and that is very sad. That is very sad. It is sad. When someone's being mean, especially now that we're really full into adulthood, I just feel sad for them.

You know, we talk about crazy. I mean, obviously there's a good number of people who think I'm crazy for running of mayor of New York city. And I honestly, I feel bad for them. You know, the male comics who are 45 making fun of me for running for mayor. I feel bad for them. Yeah. There's two. I feel bad that you lack the courage to do what you really want to do. That makes me sad. Yeah. Oh my goodness. People don't want to see that. An inspiration to me that you're doing that. Everything you guys have ever done. And I've told you this act like,

You came after me and then I started following you because everything you've ever done has been what I wish I could feel and do and feel for myself. Like the fact that you're putting yourself out there for that, that's going to reverberate with me for years until I figure out what my thing is later. Yeah. What I found out on our first podcast, I kept talking about how I wanted to be sexier. I wanted to be like more, you know,

Lean into your womanhood. Yeah, I wanted to. And she challenged me on that. And she was like, well, why aren't you just doing it? And I just finally am doing it. And that's what my birthday show is going to be about. I'm going to do a little bit of burlesque. You're doing burlesque. Oh, I read about that. Oh, I love that. That's so exciting. Yeah. That's amazing. I'm going to make my little burlesque entry. And then I'll decide if I'll put my coat back on and do my little set. Yeah. And then we got romanticized.

Roy Wood Jr. We got Marina Franklin. We got Dina Hashim. We got Ashley Austin Morris-Joy. That's an insane lineup. That's a really good lineup. My friend Max Antonucci, Doug... I want to get everybody's name out. Yeah, do it. And Audrey Mora, Doug Urim...

And Omar Thompson. Yay. And then I'm going to have a professional burlesque dancer. Her name is Adagio Burlesque. Ooh, amazing. Gigi, are you the type of person that loves, I love going to strip clubs and I love burlesque shows because I love taking in women that lead with their femininity and lead with how powerful and sexy they are. Cause I like want that. Like I'm, I've starting to step into that for myself, but like I need to see other women do it and I need to witness the power of it.

to, to light a fire under my ass. So, so here's the thing. I, I, I like strip clubs for the horniness of it all because I was raised in a church and I was raised to not ever do anything that's inappropriate or to feel bad about it if you did. Right. And what I've realized over the last year is that I like it for me cause I wanted to be more,

And so like when we talk about masturbation using your imagination, I actually pictured myself in my thrift store dress. It's very retro. It's like blue and pretty. It's nice. I saw my merch for my 48F album and I was in the woods and I was just looking at the moon and I was masturbating with my dress open instead of anybody else being involved. And I think that's what it does for me. It's like I finally have reached a point where I'm like, oh, it's me. I want to be me.

I want to love me and I want to be sexy for me. Yes. Yes. Not just for somebody looking at me. Yes. And I thought these women were so powerful because they were doing that. And I thought that was so sexy. Yeah. It honestly made me very horny for them because I was like, you don't give a fuck. I love that. I love that about them. And so I'm trying to like –

figure out how that is me in what way that's me. Yeah, how that shows up and how you feel comfortable expressing that yourself. Yeah. 100%. I always say I wish there was a night at a strip club for like first timers where we could put like some type of mask on like equivalent of like a bag over because I would love to feel what it feels like to try to find that power in myself. You gotta see my Amazon catalog. I got masks for the people.

I'm going to make them wear masks for my first part and then I'm going to make them take it off for a comedy. I don't want to see your face. That's not about you. Good, yeah. Little party masks. That's amazing. Like squid games. That's beautiful. So what brought on this like...

this like i'm gonna do this for myself like i'm gonna well i wanted to like i don't remember how many years ago we did this podcast but i started taking you were at my apartment right yeah she was i remember sitting on on the couch next to the police yeah i started taking sexy pictures then just because i felt like everybody was always shaming me telling me not to expose myself and when i first entered into comedy people were like oh you're a whore they were making rumors about me having like threesomes with everybody and i was like i wasn't even that that

promiscuous yet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, if you guys only know. And, and, and so I just, I don't know. It's just, um, yeah, exactly what I want, but I'm not exactly sure. It's just, I need something out of it. I need, I need,

Okay, so I'm using this as a bit at the end of my act for this show, but I'll spoil it for just this podcast. It's that I've been really into, I'm really into church. I'm really into the Bible. I'm really into the story of Adam and Eve and story in God's interaction with humans. And I was thinking about this whole shaming thing. This all came about because my grandma, who is now 100, has been begging me to send her porn.

And my mom was like, they're going to send you to a mental facility because your grandma is an ordained minister and nobody's going to believe you. So it shut me down for three years. I was like, I'm not doing it. And I started thinking of my grandma as evil, right? I know. That's how much of a hold my mom has over me that I was like, my grandma was trying to get me locked up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Yeah. And then I finally got out of the relationship I was in and I started thinking about myself and thinking about my restrictions and thinking about –

And the Garden of Eden, that was nude. That was all nudity. It was a sexy place. That's what God wanted. Yeah. Right? It's free, yeah. And then the devil comes along and gets jealous. And he's like, I don't think that God should be looking at all these titties all the damn time. The devil is religious. He goes up to Eve and he's like, look at you, you're nasty. Don't you realize you're naked? So Eve covers up. And then God comes back and is like, Adam.

Where are those big beautiful titties I gave you, bitch? And she's like, I covered them up. And he's like, get out. You don't get it. Get out. And then ever since then...

We've been shaming nudity. Whose side are we on? Yeah. Yeah. The devil's it seems. Yeah. I watched Wicked and I was like, they fucking role reverse just like in Wicked. Yeah. The devil is pretending to be a God, but the devil is jealous, narcissistic, don't care about anybody else, don't worship anybody else. But in the beginning, God's a...

created the heavens. Yeah. So what happened to all that language? Yeah. This is the devil's domain and we are falling for all the tricks. I like that. Everything's backwards. Everything's reversed. If you started a church, I would join it. I know. I really would. I'm serious because I think religion can be so beautiful and freeing. And what I've, I, one thing I loved about my upbringing was that I had no religious influence. My parents were just a

too busy. They just didn't, they weren't involved in it. And so I got to observe everybody's religion and I mostly was observing how constraining it was. I'm like, why do you guys do this? It's not fun. It's boring. Going to a Catholic mass, like,

The sermon is boring. I'm like, you have such an opportunity to, especially when you go to church and it's an enjoyable experience and it's motivating. You're like, what a missed opportunity to inspire people. It's Nazi-like. They try to get you in there for four hours, boring you to death. They train you that this is life. Boring you into submission. There it is. Boring you into thinking that this is all there is. Yeah. I mean, I was very young. I used to go to church when I was younger. It was like a Methodist church, but pretty tame, like middle-of-the-road Christian, you know, like...

like fine with like gay people and stuff like that. And, uh, but I mean, I would listen to the sermons and I'm like, I'm 12 and I'm like, this is just this person's opinion. This is not, this is not, this is just this guy's as opinion. So, you know, and I, you could tell how the person would get most excited, not when they were preaching the word of the Lord, but when they got to do their own monologue, um,

And when I was 12 sitting there like... It's the Me, Me, Me show. Yeah, this guy just wanted to tell us his thoughts for an hour. And I'm like looking around at the adults like, I hope they're catching on because this is... I would constantly feel unsafe around other adults because I'm just like, these people would...

they would, they would join his cult in a moment. It's a cult of personality for sure. Yeah. I would love to hear one of my followers explain me to people be like, Oh, she's stuttering. Cause she's very excited about it. Oh no, she's only crying because she stopped smoking and drinking. More in touch with her feelings. Well, I think just like sex can be so freeing. And so like when I feel sexually free, it is a feeling unlike anything else I can get in my life. It's similar to being on stage, but it's more, it's more universal though. Have you,

ever had that moment during sex where you're like thinking about being on stage sometimes I think about being on stage and apple pie like what am I what's happening well it's like when I have a good set and when I have good sex I want to do a lap around the block and just pound my chest because it's just you feel excited to be alive that's what it is yeah and but I think religion also has a huge opportunity to make people feel excited to be alive but I think fear the human psyche is too susceptible to fear once you got fear in the mix confusion sets in and

The second people are confused, you can control them. Fear, I think, is a demon. I think it's an actual entity. It's the biggest epidemic in our culture. It parasites off of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really do. Us versus them. And I'm fighting it. I'm fighting it. I'm sleeping in the dark for the first time by myself. Can you believe that? You didn't like doing that before? I was terrified because I have – well –

We haven't talked about it yet, but I would have all kind of visitors. Yeah. Do you want to talk about that or do you want to get that in the deal? I don't think I will. Let's talk about that in private though. I'll like mention it. I'll just say like I've always had sleep paralysis my whole life. Which, yeah. And I've always had experiences my whole life. And I think it also helps –

Whatever is going on with me is why I'm a free thinker. Like every time my mom has ever called me crazy, she's like, you were deprived of oxygen at birth, Khalees. I think that's – but I think about it and I go, what if I had a near-death experience? I think you did. And now I can't be fooled by the bullshit except for fear and except for like fake love and love bombing. I can be fooled by these things because I'm –

so in need of connection and I feel so isolated, but I can't be fooled by just the company line. Yeah, that's a very interesting point because I watch a lot of near-death experience interviews on YouTube. There was a time where that was all I watched and I still watch them. But I'm really moved by almost everybody who's medically died and come back talking about how the feeling of love they felt was unlike anything they ever knew was possible and existed. And coming back to Earth is a very jarring experience. A lot of people who die and come back are super depressed because

Because and this is how I feel anyway. I don't think I've had an NDE of like what we're missing this opportunity to be kind to each other and actually have heaven on earth like that. It's totally possible. But we're we're we're not leaning into that because we're dicks. A lot of us are like mean and we're in fear. It's a bummer.

But it also speaks to your sensitivity too because I know the second I met you, I'm like, I want to know you. I want to be like connected to you because your energy is so powerful and whimsical and lovely. I appreciate that because I definitely have the opposite effect on some. Well, that's because it's people who are afraid to be free, I think. I've watched people misunderstand Corinne for the last over a decade. And it's very interesting to me to observe like –

how her confidence makes them threat feel. They feel threatened by her existence. I, I love what Corinne is because I feel like you're what I could have been if I had, if I had confidence and I'm still working to fill it in. And that's why I follow you guys. That's why I, that's why I accept your leadership. Well,

Well, it's funny. Yeah, I think people, you know, sometimes see a confident person and think it's some kind of like a challenge. And I'm like, well, the only challenge, I'm not challenging you like against me. I'm challenging you to be the most confident version of you. I want that for everyone. I truly think the world would be a better place.

a place with less animosity if we were all walking around our most confident self. Because like being confident is different from being pompous. You know, that's fake. That's fabricated. Real confidence is, you know, is quiet as our good friend Amber Rose said. I mean, you know. She was right though about that one. She was right about that one. She was very right about that one. Wrong about it.

But it goes to show you like Corinne had a great upbringing in terms of like her parents really nurtured her independent spirit and whatever she was, they were like, be that. And it seems like you with your daughter, you,

You did the same thing. And then watching her... I'm so excited to see how she turns out. Yeah. She seems so comfortable going up to people. And as a little kid, you were describing... I don't know if it was daycare or kindergarten. But she was super confident when all the other kids were clinging. Because you gave her a strong base. And that strong base is just love. It's just love. And I think you have really good boundaries too. And I think my kid has good boundaries. I've never...

I've started to separate myself from others and be able to know what's for me and what's for them. It's been very hard for me. Yeah. I've always been a people pleaser. I've always been like, okay, if you're not feeling good, we're not feeling good. And let's figure out how to get there together. Yeah. Um,

And I'm learning that that's not for me anymore. Maybe that I need, maybe I needed that. And maybe that was my service. Maybe that was like important for me, but I don't want to do that anymore. I want to live my own life now. Yeah. I want to feel my own feelings now. Yeah. It's great. And there's so many feelings. Um, yeah. Well, what can we talk about? You're getting out of a longterm relationship or yeah. I mean, so you were together with,

Seven years? Yeah. And so was there an impetus for the breakup? Was it one thing? Was it many things? Was it a feeling? Was it... Okay. So with him, and obviously because he's a comedian, I don't want to overshare. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I do. I love him to death. And we were friends for a very long time. But I haven't even talked to him for the last month. I had to even increase the boundary there because he was trying to inch his way back into telling me how to live my life. And

I, you know, but that's not his fault. That's, that is how I entered into the relationship. I entered into the relationship seeking guidance and seeking like strong opinions. So the bond was forming. It's like a cast iron mold started to form and it's hard to, if you see, if you find an independent side of yourself in a relationships, oftentimes that partner's like, whoa, whoa,

Who is this? Right. And you're like, it's me. I think my spirit has always fought for independence and fought for having something to bounce it off of. So the thing about us is this. This is what I've noticed about us. I think that he was a better version of my mother and I was a better version of his father. That's my personal opinion. I don't know if he would agree with that. And so as such, when we met, he was able to love me in such a better way that I got to see exactly what –

I was doing wrong seeking a certain thing in a man. I was seeking... I was seeking my mother and I was seeking her to be a little kinder and be a little more loving. And what happened is as we both were that for each other...

I was a lot older than him, but at the time that we met, it didn't feel that same way. So I was like 36 and he was 26. But then I hit like 40s and I felt a lot older than him, but he also loved me into a maturity. He helped me grow. But then once I hit a certain point of growth, I think he didn't recognize me anymore because

And so that's when the incompatibility started to really rear its ugly head. And that's nothing against him. I think that he's an amazing person. I think that he has a lot of growth to do himself. Absolutely, yeah. I don't know. I'm trying to be a little careful because obviously I'm trying not to be unfair. Yeah, yeah, of course. Corinne was saying this last week when we were recording, I think, that love isn't enough to keep a relationship going. And that's like a...

When I realized that myself in my life, I'm like, that's pretty heartbreaking. Because you're like, well, why not? But people grow and change. Yeah, and we were really close friends, and we did everything. We talked about everything. We filtered everything through each other. And then there just became a point where, yeah, I started having independent thoughts, and that wasn't part of what our relationship was designed to be. The relationship was designed to...

It was a, I wouldn't say design, but it was, it served as a crutch for me to become free. Yeah, sure. And then I became free and the crutch was like, no, get, keep me, keep on using me. I don't need a crutch anymore. Grow with me, please. Yeah. Come with me on this journey. And, um, he's not ready. Yeah. It's tough for, yeah. I often see a lot of partners breaking up, especially longterm because they don't know how to grow with each other. That's tough. Yeah.

Yeah. It's really upsetting. I imagine it feels threatening maybe too to the other person. I'm not sure. And I had a lot of abandonment issues, so it took a long time to get away. But I finally did, and I finally realized that all this stuff is just within me. All this stuff I need is inside me. Yeah. Like there's a lot of songs that I listen to that I always wanted some man to feel that way towards me. And I just started – instead of yearning for certain guys – because there's this one guy that I always kind of yearn for. It's not even my ex. Yeah.

And I started realizing that the song, if I put myself in it, everything they're talking about is for me. Like trying to get closer to me. Every song that's about getting closer to you or loving you, sorry I left you, sorry I didn't understand you. That's all me talking to myself. It's all the stuff, the love and the attention that I needed myself to show me.

Yeah. And so what have you, what is like the most important thing that you've learned in these two years of giving attention to yourself?

What's the most important thing I've learned in these two years? Or it could be any assortment of important things. I know like most is sometimes difficult. Well, you start off with a lot of negative internal thoughts. They're very intrusive and they will argue you down and you think that's your internal model. You think that's you and it's not. I have discovered that all those thoughts are everybody who's

opinion and reality you accepted over yours. Every time you lost in life, those thoughts are in there trying to remind you like not to dress like this, not to wear that. It doesn't quite match. Your green shoelaces are too bright. Um, you know, you look too tired to be on camera. All those thoughts were barking at me because I was allowing those people in my life. I didn't have boundaries against those people in my life, so I couldn't have boundaries against those thoughts. Um,

As I started getting rid of people in my life who spoke to me this way, I also was able to start talking over my own thoughts. The first step I took was I speak out loud. So the thoughts start saying horrible things like, you shouldn't have left your bag in your car. You deserve that. Your bag got stolen. And I go, no.

I didn't know it was going to get stolen. I was in a rush. I speak out loud. So I used to run a show at the Village Lantern for seven, eight years. And my biggest production method was the mic has to be louder than drunk people's thoughts. Yeah.

inside conversations. You're right. Yeah. And so those intrusive thoughts are drunk people's thoughts. And so I talk out loud over them and I don't let them win because they can't, I can't hear them if I'm talking. Yes. You have talking back to your thoughts is the most effective, efficient way to rewire your brain. A hundred percent. You have to talk back

Otherwise, the monologue is going to be the same. I feel like people don't realize there's a typewriter in your brain. And it is while you were sleeping, while you're going about your day, it's just producing thoughts based off the agreements that you made as a young person. Like when someone told you you weren't good enough and it was someone like your parent, you go, I agree. That's my mom. Like why would my mom steer me wrong? And like the undoing of that is –

And so that method evolved for me. So it started off me speaking, like arguing out loud to myself, no, and trying to be soothing and trying to be compassionate. And even like thinking, let me talk to myself the way I talked to my child when I'm being a good mom. And I was like,

even trying to be motherly towards myself. And, you know, I even had a moment where I pretended like my mom was a good mom. It didn't quite fit. It felt really good at the second for a second. And I was like, no, let me just do it for myself. But it evolved into this other thing that I do now where I'll tell myself, Khalees, you need to put your keys in this bowl. Ashley gave me this little monogrammed C bowl. And I go, Khalees, you need to put your keys in this bowl or you're not going to be able to find them later. So that's me.

in the present as my future self talking to my present self. And then the next morning when my keys are, when I'm rushing out and I go, Oh, I forgot my keys. And I rushed back up the stairs and I go, Oh, there they are. I go, Oh, thank you. Khalees. Yeah. For putting your keys on that, in that little plate because you wouldn't have had, thank you so much. Yeah. And I'll thank myself for doing the dishes. Yeah. Khalees, you need to do the dishes or else they're not. And I'll, you know, and so I talked to my future self. I talked to my past self and,

And I just, yeah, that's, that's where, that's where I'm at now. And you know what's happened? I didn't know this was going to happen. I thought I was being crazy by talking out loud at myself in my bedroom. I always think somebody is listening. I always think somebody is watching and like gonna like judge me and like tell everybody. So I had to get over that one. But yeah,

What has happened is I don't have nearly as many intrusive thoughts now. Yeah. Because they don't have a space. They don't have a place. Like those intrusive thoughts protected you at one point in your life. And then you're basically saying, hey, thanks for your service, but I don't need you anymore. I got this. I do that all the time with myself. And after a while of doing it, you really do get to these moments where you're like, save yourself from a future kerfuffle. And you're like, Christina.

damn you crushed it and I and I have those moments too and they're like they're very blissful yeah it's very nice it's it's like a little special moment with yourself where I feel like hugging myself and I've tried to do the thing I don't like it so much I'm still trying where I think about me as a little girl I don't like it because it makes me so emotional but I go she was so mistreated so I try to bring her with me in the night and let her see like what is fun and what's safe yeah what we're doing what we're up to

You know what I mean? Like inner child works huge, like for, for psychological, for trauma and stuff. I've had moments with myself by myself where I've imagining like my five-year-old me in front of me and I cry thinking about it's very powerful. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

She was so neglected and so misunderstood that I go, okay, come with me now. You're safe now. Come be on stage. Yeah, yeah. Shine. And it's fun now. Yeah. You guys should just have a podcast together where you cry about everything. Cry gals.

Cryotherapy. Big girls do cry. Yeah. Oh, boy, do we. Well, I mean, talking about childhood, it's interesting because I was thinking I was at a caucus this weekend, which is literally just a really annoying word for a meeting, a conference, a convention. They name it caucus. Yeah. So obnoxious. And talking to so many people involved in politics and the thought that kept running through my head is,

I can't imagine any of these people as a child. And it made me so sad when, when I am having a conversation with someone and I get no sense of what they might've been like as a kid, I feel real, I feel sad for them. Cause I go, where, where did that go? You know, you're here, you're talking about like,

I don't know, trying to trade this for this to get ahead in this way. And there's no joy or creativity in it. And that's a new feeling in this industry because I certainly –

for the most part could feel that with anyone in comedy. Yeah. Anyone you go, okay, well, even if they're fucked up now, I still was able to get a sense of what they might've been like as a child. It's like they strayed from their human humanity in a way it, which is interesting because politics is all about humanity and making your human experience better. That's what they would have you.

I would say after two and a half weeks, I would say that's not at all what politics is about in theory. Yeah. You know. Right. I would say perhaps it's what government is about. Governing is about politics is something completely different. Yeah. A lot of control. Yeah. I feel like they've created these characters that they are comfortable being. And that's why it doesn't feel like a person they're.

you know? Yeah. Yeah. Cause I'm, you know, that's the thing. And it's not just, this is just the space I'm in now, but I think about that all the time and I'm not like, you know, some I'm, I'm, I'm adult in a lot of ways. Although if you knew me as a kid, I, I was always like this. So it's actually just me being, I was like an adult child, you know, it's just big sister syndrome. Um, but, uh,

Yeah. I just wonder where that is in any space when you're talking to an adult. And I, again, I just feel sad for people who, when you're speaking to them, you go, where, where, where was the kid? Was the kid ever there? What did the kid want to do? I doubt the kid wanted to be here making deals. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. That's interesting. I feel like people – you know when you experiment with identity when you're growing up and you're coming into yourself and regardless of if you're lost or you know who you are, you're like – Am I a hot topic now? Well, exactly. I was just going to say. I remember the first time I ever put on a leather jacket. I was 14 and I'm like, I want to be this girl today. I want to wear a leather jacket and act like I have tattoos. I remember the candy cigarettes. Fucking love that. Like what does it feel like to smell like – and I love – Candy cigarettes were empowering.

I don't care what anyone says. So empowering. I don't care what anyone says. I felt like such a badass. I'll put it in my ear. Bring them back. Yeah, I love the candy cigarettes. Bring them back. It didn't make me want to smoke. It made me want to smoke candy cigarettes. Yeah. I would still like to smoke candy cigarettes. Yeah, they were great. But like putting on like a mask and like just trying it out. But it's like playing dress up. But I feel like adults

They have this idea of the mask that they want to wear, i.e. I want to get into politics because of whatever reason, because I watch the news a lot or I watch Veep on HBO or whatever. But they're so like – that's why one of my tattoos I want to get is this is supposed to be fun as a reminder of like stop taking this shit so seriously. You can want to do good things for people and want real change and have fun doing it by keeping your humanity beside you the whole time. Yeah.

Like people lose that. I mean, yeah, that is very sad. And I imagine comedy is, I, I never thought about that. Comedy is a place where we get to be like fantastic. Like Dave, Dave Attell, like his jokes are like, they're fantastical. They're very childlike. They're very wondrous. And I think, um,

Well, yeah, because I think the people say about comedians, you know, like you never grow up. And like, sure, yes, there is that. That is a criticism that I think, you know, some of us could take to heart. Mostly the men with the European syndrome. Mostly the male comedians. Yeah. Sorry, Eric. But I also think that's like, oh, why is that a criticism? Like, you can be responsible without leaving your childlike wonder behind. Yeah. You know? Absolutely. Yeah.

So this has been a great conversation. Talk to us about the show. Oh. You have a show. Yes. That's very exciting. When is it? Where is it? What time? How do we get tickets? February 27th. February 27th, 915 New York Comedy Club, Upper West Side, 78th and Broadway. It's called Khalees' Comedy and Burlesque.

Yes. And the purpose of it is for me to unveil and for me to be brave. I'm always trying to push myself to be brave. And you know what I decided to do? I actually got inspired by Nico because we did Alex English's Night of a Hundred or a Thousand Negroes at Second City. And Nico went first.

And I was like, wow, what made you go first? That would be so scary and intimidating for me. And he said, well, it's going to be a lot of perspective and I won't mind if you're one of the first ones that people hear. And, you know, then I had to follow him last night, right? Yeah. At New York Comedy Club. And he had the crowd clapping. Yeah. And it was crazy. The crowd was going crazy. I had to change my set to the 100 Negro set because I was like, I got to bring some noise or else...

Or else they're not going to want to hear me. They're going to be thinking about him still. So I changed my set around because of Nico because he was hard to follow for me. And I was like, okay, he's inspiring me. What I'm going to do for my birthday show is I'm going to go first. I'm going to be the entrance. I'm going to do my burlesque dance. I'm going to do my first 10 or 15 minutes of comedy. And then I get to watch my show. This is my life. I do comedy all the time. I know how to headline a show. I know how to –

be the last person. Yeah. This is the night where I get to relax and I don't have to build up all this tension inside. And I get to watch my friends perform and honor me to do the show in the first place. Yeah. That's amazing. That's what I decided to do. It's just like go first and not sit there outside worried about being a professional comedian all night. And enjoy. You book the show. You book comics you want to see that you respect and then get to enjoy their set. Yeah.

I'm finally breaking out of those boundaries. Like when I was in a relationship, you know, there's curfew. There's like, you know, there's like check in with me. There's like you're out and it's not against him. Every every act. Yeah. Like, you know, you have to you have all these restraints, even with my kid, you know, obviously with my kid. But now that she's 18, I'm breaking back out of that where I never had a clock. I always went with who's entertaining me right now. Who's filling me up right now? What is this? Yeah.

Where am I vibing? And then I'll go home and go to sleep. I don't get tired until I'm bored. I never get a clock. And so I want to open up that freedom I had before and just feel that boundlessness I had before. And that's what I'm going to try to do at my show. I don't want to get up there and give this best performance of my life. This isn't my comeback. This is my night. This is my birthday. This is my... Coupling my birthday with a show, it's already kind of pathetic, but...

No, I love it. I want to do a show for my birthday coming up and I'm like, I want to do a show and I want to get Democrat signatures for Corinne. But you just do something for that you want that excites you. It's exciting. It's exciting. Like you said, it's like sex. It's like I'm on stage and whoever wants to come see me half naked. We're having a little bit of sex together. Yeah. And then I'm going to go to...

after party is around the corner, I won't invite people on this podcast. I'll tell the people I want to come. But I just want that freedom. I want to be able to drop some acid after my set and watch my friends go on stage. That's...

That's so beautiful, Khalees. I'm very excited. I can't wait to see your show. February 22nd at Upper West Side New York. 27th. 27th. Sorry, 27th. I'm putting that in my calendar now. On the 28th at midnight, you know, when it hits midnight, I'm 45 years old Thursday. And I'm starting my second life. That's amazing. That's so cool.

Well, thank you. And then where else can we find you online? Like what's your handle? How do we get tickets for this show? Like we go on Instagram, go to New York comedy club.com or you can go to, um, at Khalees Hawkins on Instagram. That's C A L I S E Hawkins. And my link is in the bio. Nice.

Thank you so much. Thank you for joining us again. Happy early birthday. Excited. This has been guys. We fucked the anti slut shaming podcast. We'll talk to you next Friday. Guys. We fucked is presented by luminary created and hosted by Corinne Fisher and Christina Hutchinson editing and music coordination by Eric Freddie theme song by Rob Patterson and Jake Cosen. To be so honest.

I think you like me, don't really want you No need to mention, I like the attention Want you to please me, but back the fuck off me Am I making sense? I don't think so First I kiss you, then I'm out the window When I catch my prey, I like to go slow Make you think I like you, then I'm sold

♪ Whoa, I do it right, doing things that I like ♪ ♪ No second guessing, just sensation for tonight, okay, okay ♪ ♪ Yeah, okay, okay, yeah ♪ ♪ Once in my life, getting what I want ♪ ♪ Come for the ride, only if you'll jump, okay, okay ♪

Yeah Okay, okay Yeah Ego taking over says it's okay Fuck you once and leave you having my way Yeah, no consideration, go to your pay If you want and moan, never see me again Could've been a revenge song, I don't want it that way Why they gotta behave?

No second guessing, just sensation for tonight. Okay, okay. Yeah. Okay, okay. Yeah. One time I lied.

Somebody, somebody please help.

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