YOU WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH YOUR WIFE? ft. Mike Finoia
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Welcome to Guys We Fuck, the anti-slut-shaming podcast. I'm Christina Hudson. I'm Corinne Fisher. Slutty, you're horny, and you're shaming. Hey, you a slut? Yes. Okay. Let's talk about

Hello, party people. How are you today? You wearing a seatbelt? You drink enough water? What are you doing? You on a treadmill? Welcome to another episode of Guys We Bloop Bloop. It's the Anti-Slut Chimmy Podcast. I'm Corinne Fisher. I'm Christina Hutchinson. Welcome to the show. If you want to email us at sorryaboutlastnightshow at gmail.com. And guys, a little reminder that there is still a way to listen to Guys We Fucked without ads, get the regular episodes early, and get all of our bonus episodes.

Corinne and I have the most fun doing the bonus episodes of the show. That's where I let loose. Okay. And most of the episodes, we just read your emails. We read the craziest emails that we get. And they're, I gotta be honest, they're the most fun for me.

Just sign up. It's still only $29.99 a year or $6.99 monthly. Although if you do the math in a little over four months, you would have paid for the annual subscription. So annual is still a better deal. But you do your body, your choice, your wallet. If you have Spotify, just click on the banner of our show page to sign up. Or if you listen elsewhere, you could get this there too. Go to luminary.link slash GWF promo. That's luminary.link slash

slash GWF promo. Or again, you just go to the top of the guys we fuck show page at Spotify and tap on exclusive benefits. Also, I'm running for mayor. You are? I am running for mayor. I mean, you might have heard. Oh my God. I'm running for mayor. If you're sick of that, you know what? Well, I'm sick of people taking advantage of us as constituents. You know, just people who are voting. But yeah, so...

If you haven't donated yet, I'm going to keep asking you. It's like literally it's just so simple because if every single person listening, U.S. residents and Americans living abroad only donated just $10, we would just have so much money. They'd be like, Cuomo who? Yeah. I don't know about that, but. Yeah. No, they'd probably still be familiar with. Well, here's the thing, man. With our boy. If we get all those dollars, especially from New Yorkers, because we have a

a certain date to, to get matching funds. Yeah. We can get a billboard out. Yeah. That starts a little fight. Yeah. With our boy Cuomo. Yeah. He's a bad, he's a bad boy. We just knew like $10 per person. And some of you have given so much more than that. And many of you have given multiple times. And I want to reiterate how generous specifically, uh, the listeners of, of guys we fucked in without a country have been, you guys have been amazing. Like truly the campaign could not exist without you. Um,

and this is a targeted attack at all the other comedians that we work with. There's, I, if you look, if you're listening and you're the girlfriend of a New York city comedian, first of all, we're mad at your voice. Yeah. God bless. Number one. Yes. Number two, we're mad at your boyfriend. Yeah. The, the, I would say listeners have been so great, but Oh man, comics, comics love to talk about how we're changing the conversation. We're so brave going on stage every day with our mic on.

Our microphones every night, half drunk, just eating a plate of nachos. Really talking to people who bought tickets because they already agree with us. We're so brave. Ooh.

the lack of donations from people and please listen i i understand that a lot of comedians are not doing super well financially that's they have 10 i've seen them drink uh beer after beer they have ten dollars and also they certainly have had no problem when they needed to ask us for favors i will be a mayor for all comedians but i will not be a friend to all comedians after this campaign put it on a bumper sticker

Put it on a bumper sticker. It would be fine if I didn't have to read post after post of political change from all these comedians who I don't even think are voting in municipal elections. I don't even think are registered in New York City. They're registered back home because their vote makes a difference. You've lived here for 20 years. Register where you live. Stop. Be an adult. Get your driver's license here. Stop. What are you doing? Why are you still registered at your mom's house? Grow up.

Well, everybody in London is very excited for you to be mayor. Well, that's lovely. They are overly interested in U.S. politics. Well,

Well, I mean, it is interesting. I will say, though, when I landed in London, I read the news that Russell Brand is being charged for rape. And I'm like, isn't it great to be in a city that arrests a rapist instead of electing a rapist? Right. Who would have? That's nice. Good for you, London. When that news came out, I was like, oh, man, who could have ever imagined he'd be a rapist except for anyone who's ever seen or heard him? Yeah. All the comics knew. Yeah.

Did you see he did another one of his classic response? Oh, we did. Oh, yeah. Wait, you got to go to his classic response about how it's all you know, every all the cards are stacked against them. God, it's a big conspiracy. I'm so mad that I can't do my bits now because I love appearing on without a country as Russell Brand. That's my that's my one character that I do. Well, he got really into Christianity and was baptized last year.

Well, you have to when you rape so many people. Yes. That's the only way out. To get a bad boy bath. Yeah. Anytime someone just goes Christian out of nowhere, you go, oh. It's not great. Can't wait till the rape allegations start flowing. And it's never, yeah. You always hear men doing this. It's because they want to like, because he said he got baptized a year ago. He's like, I wanted to wash myself of my past. I'm like, you raped, you raped. Yeah. Wait, what did he say? Yeah. Yeah.

Is the pinned one? With his goofy ass. This fucking ass hat? Oh my God. It was... Katy Perry dodged a bullet. So you know what? And Loveless, also, you know, this is a relationship podcast. Sometimes you get dumped by somebody you think is the best. I think it's the one where he's wearing the hat on the beach. ...of support. Support? We're very fortunate in a way to live in a time where there's so little trust in the British government. We're very fortunate, I suppose, that this is happening at a time where we know that the law has become a kind of weapon. Hmm.

Against criminals. Get to the rape. A little off topic there.

You were a rapist. Oh! Yeah.

Well, if I don't care about, I don't care about anything else he says in that video. Uh, there was only two seconds left. Well, if prayer works, Rusty poots, pray your way out of this one. If prayer is so potent, he is so repulsive. He's gross, man. Just like anyone who believes him. I really question everything about him. He's so transparently a villain. He's like, he's like a, he's like a caricature of a villain. Like he actually reminds me of captain hook a little bit.

A Christian Captain Hook. Yeah. Captain Cross. Yeah. He, I'm like when someone in real life reminds you of Captain Hook.

They're probably rapists. He thinks they're not a good person. Smee! Yeah. Like, come on. Oh, God. That's what frustrates me so much, how people are so easily tricked by these bad people. Well, I think that as a society, we need to be more privy to the fact that a person can have good ideas and interesting and philosophize in a way that's interesting and moving and has good points. Yeah.

But that person – they can also also be a rapist at the same time. A person can be a brilliant comedian and be a rapist. A person can be a political leader that has done good things and be a rapist. It's just – it's these opposites exist in people. And just – but the rape part, oh boy. I really hope one day the world will care that a man has raped. And I was thinking about this too.

One of the things – when you apologize for something you've done, and I'm talking a real, authentic, deep, humble, potentially humiliating – I don't know. That's how you look at it. Apology. I think that that's how everybody can heal. And if you are a famous man – we see this time and time again – who has raped multiple people and the proof is all there, man. The proof is all there.

And you keep denying it. Stop it. You're a piece of shit. You're full of shit. And the thing that's crazy to me is you actually have a shot at redemption. Truly, truly redemption. If you are honest about what you did. This whole, they were saying I'm going to rape this. Oh my God. Shut the fuck up and just say you did it.

Stop gaslighting us. I'm so fucking sick of the gaslighting. Yeah. I don't know that I would accept an apology for multiple rapes. I got to be honest. I would say next lifetime. Yeah. Try again. But at least I can only speak for myself. I would see you as a human and respect you a little bit for talking about the bad thing you did because no one's talking about it. When the Me Too movement resurfaced,

motherfuckers were getting called out left and right for doing things of varying levels. Right. Yeah. And there are varying levels. It depends on Harvey Weinstein, Weinstein and a Louis CK. They're, they're two different levels. Yeah. They just are. Right. Yeah. Uh, but the only man that got called out, uh,

That had something to say that I was like, oh, fucking K was Dan Harmon. Do you remember that? I don't remember his apology. I remember the instance. Yeah. And he called out his disgusting behavior and he called out why he did it. And I was like, this motherfucker. Thank you. Like, I felt some sense of like, thank God, because when all of these guys are getting called out and they keep just saying she's a liar, it's a witch hunt. I'm Christian now. Yeah. We know all those male witches. Yeah.

I was like, yeah, everyone's Giles Corey. That's exactly what happened. Yeah. You're the one. Yeah. Yeah. You're a warlock. Oh, God. It's so annoying. But yeah, I'm just like, can we just if anything, and maybe it's not forgiving forgiveness or whatever, but it would just be so fucking refreshing if we could get some goddamn motherfucking honesty up in this bitch. Let's just all get on the same page at least. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, guys, if you want to email us, it's sorryaboutlastnightshow at gmail.com. And if you want to donate, it's www.corinnefisher.com. Fuck yeah. C-O-R-I-N-N-E. F-I-S-H-E-R. Correct. Hey, you know what would make your customer service help desk way better? Dumping it and then switching to Intercom. But you're not quite ready to make that change. We get it. That's why Finn, the world's leading AI customer service agent, is now available on every help desk.

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So this email is from a listener that, and it, I was going to say there's a name, but there's not. The subject line is my sex drive is in the negatives. Hey, Corinne and Christina love the podcast. I just turned 24 last week. Oh,

Remember that? And over the last couple years, I went from wanting to have sex anywhere, anytime to not wanting to have sex at all. Up until I was 22, I was never in a relationship aside from nine crappy months I spent with a loser who was mistreating me. That was a relationship. That's a relationship when you're 22. Yeah. I absolutely loved being single because I was able to do whatever I wanted and I could fuck whoever I wanted. Unfortunately...

Up until the age of 21, my favorite people to fuck were the ones I shouldn't have been fucking, i.e. guys in relationships, my best friend's twin brother, or coworkers. Oh, okay, yeah. With these guys, I would love to have kinky sex, like with toys, dressing up, and really getting it rough. Always done in secret and always stayed between me and the guy. That sounds fun. I lived for the thrill and the dirty secrets I was keeping. When I was 21, I moved abroad for a year and was basically partying, drinking, and having sex all the time. Okay, okay.

Although I had previously explored a lot, I started having threesomes and a lot of drunk late night sex. Fast track to August 2023 when I came back, I fell for my coworker at the time and have been dating him ever since. Boring.

We've had a lot of ups and downs, but the past few months have been really stable. Yeah. I mean, your early 20s are going to be filled with ups and downs. That's the sound of your pussy snoring. Yeah. Last time we had sex was December 2024. Okay. That was a while ago. Yeah. Especially for being this young. Yeah. When we were on vacation and it was fine. Oh, yay. But as time goes on, I feel like I lose my sex drive more and more. It's twice now since we try to have sex and I kind of have to force myself to get into it.

but if he does one thing to turn me off, I'll lose all interest. That's because you're, you used to be like fucking Indiana Jones out in these streets and now you have something stable and you're like, yeah, all my life. It used to be a slip and slide down there and now it constantly feels like a desert. Yeah.

I can't even remember the last time I got wet. Okay. Well, that's actually really odd for someone young. Okay. Even when I try to have sex with my boyfriend, he gets it wet by spitting on it because it's so dry. You know, lube is cool.

Cool, too. I am attracted to him and he is a great sex partner, but I just have zero sex drive, not only with me, but in general. Keep in mind the last two times as he was able to stick it in, he went soft and he doesn't know why. Well, probably because it hurt because it's so dry. Yeah. He doesn't want to fuck a desert sand.

He might have been subconsciously feeding off my energy. I thought he was the problem, so I would let my mind wander and try to think about fucking other guys, imagining myself in certain situations that would usually get me going, but I have absolutely no desire to have sex with my boyfriend or anyone. The thought of sucking dick now makes me feel weird, cringe, even though I used to always love having a big dick in my mouth. I don't even...

I can't wait till Andrew Cuomo gets that soundbite. I don't even masturbate anymore. Yeah. Anything related to sex does not interest me, nor do I ever think of it. The only thing I could think of is that in December I finished school and started working my full-time job. I'm currently in a headspace where I just want to work my

my nine to five, go for coffee with friends, work out, see my boyfriend and live my little simple life stress-free. That's okay. For once in my life, I'm not thinking about my next big adventure. I'm just taking it easy.

I would really love your guys's input on my situation. I know I'm 24 and not 19 anymore. Oh, that's a really funny sentence. And it happens to so many people. No, not at 24. It doesn't stop. You're not old. Um, but I just want to emphasize I'm staying open-minded, but I don't think something is wrong with my boyfriend. No, I don't think either. I think something might be wrong with you. Not like meaning like, yeah. Meaning like either like something mentally or physically, I would actually get checked out. Um,

It's just in general, I have zero interest in anything sex related, nor do I ever think of it. Or you could just be coming into your own and be asexual. I was going to, yeah, I go through these ebbs and flows too. I mean, it's very rare for me to not be horny. However, it has happened. Yeah. My boyfriend does not put pressure on me and he's aware of the situation and he's open to finding some solutions. He's a really great guy. Thanks in advance.

Yes. I mean, okay. So yes, I do think it's absolutely normal to go through periods where you're just interested in sex, especially when you're just kind of like really, are you depressed? Yeah. That's what I was thinking too. I was like, this seems like you might be depressed and not know it. It's because it's not like, because even if you're not like interested in having sex, the fact that you're not even getting wet is,

to me as a young person actually speaks to, I feel like something larger that just feels very odd to me. Well, you know how, you know, at the beginning of this podcast, we've said things like, uh, wait for anal, like do the, do freaky shit, like wait to do freaky shit with your partner, you know? Because then it's like, well, what are you going to say? You know, you want to save something for yourself. Right. And so maybe, I mean, look though, in my, when I was 19, oof,

I was fucking everyone. Well, not everybody, but a bunch of people. And I loved it. I loved it. And I had this like great – I had a rotation for a lot of my 20s up until I met Steven, which was – what was I? I was 23. Oh, fuck. So I only had like fucking three years in my 20s. That sucks. But I was really – I was just so like living it up, right? And so I think –

It could be like maybe your nervous system was set to this like higher speed of being sexual. And now that you have something a little more steady, you don't know what to do with it. I'm wondering if that's –

has a part to play in it too. But, you know, you also have to think like you really want to get to know your own erotic imagination. And there's ways to do that that are really simple and really easy. And it can involve a conversation with your partner. It could just be you where you just sit and think about like, what do I think is sexy about a woman's body? What do I think is sexy about a man's body or my own body or something? Just start somewhere really simple. You know, watching like, what was the show? The two...

The Tudors was on the TV last night. That's just softcore porn. It was great. I'm like, I love this show. Oh, I could watch this show forever. It was just great. Hot, hot, hot people having sex. It was so many titties. We have vaginas. There's penis. It was great. So that's up my alley. But get to know your own erotic imagination because it ebbs and flows. And the things that you think are hot when you're 19 are going to be completely different when you're 24, even though that's not a huge thing.

I feel like every year we're a new person, right? And so there could be stress factors. I'd be curious like how stressful is your lifestyle? Is it stressful? Maybe you need that stress to feel horny. Sometimes people like want to be put in like a relatively hot quote high-stakes situation. There's all kinds of kinky things you could do. I love –

Again, this is only coming from me and I'm one of the hornest people I know. But I certainly go through ebbs and flows of this. But if I want to kind of go on a sex adventure but I'm not feeling it but my mind wants to, I'll go to a strip club that has good reviews and just – you can go there with your partner and just go for a drink and then leave and then talk about like who do you like there, like which girl was your favorite, that kind of thing. You could do that. Yeah.

And Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity, one of the interesting things that it talks about is a lot of times we need to actually have physical touch in our body and then our juices can be flowing. We don't have to wait until we're wet to act on it. You can have your body stroked or touched very slowly, even if it's just your forearm. Yeah.

doing these things at kind of being in touch in the simple way with your body, I think could, could jumpstart something for you. Yeah. That was not going to be my recommendation. I'm like, where are you guys with foreplay? Cause especially young people I think are not really good at foreplay. And I, and I agree, like I could become, my mind could be on complete, something completely different. But then like if my boyfriend starts like touching me like softly or whatever, you know, especially because you seem to have a good amount of trust with your boyfriend and like

slowly try to like work on something and concentrate on intimacy rather than sex. I think there could be strides to be made there. I mean, again, cause it's like, yeah, it's not like, I know he under, he doesn't have a problem with it and he's patient, but like bottom line is, especially at this age, like he's only going to be patient for so long, for so long. And like, I know you want to do all these things and like still have a boyfriend, but like, again, like if you're, if you're like 24 and just like not having sex for like six months, like that's not really like,

a romantic relationship anymore. Again, like this is more something that would be fine if you've been together for a long time and are kind of like partners. That's not really the kind of arrangement we see in our early 20s. And to think that that's going to just keep coasting on, I think is,

a little bit naive. Another thing to try, just make out on the couch. Make out for like 20 minutes. People underestimate making out. It's so much fun. I make out all the time. I love it. I love it so much. And it's not even making out to get you horny. It's making out to connect intimately with your partner. That's it. It's so much fun.

Oh, I love making out. Yeah. And so, and I, but I, but I also like, have you changed any like prescriptions you're on recently? You said you used to party a lot. Did you go from drinking a lot to now not drinking? And then, so if you were only able to like get horny and wet when you were drinking, I do think you need to look deeper into that. That's like a super common problem for people. Um, so again, like I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with a, uh, loss of like,

in general, they do go through ebbs and flows, but because of your age and because of the lifestyle that you used to live previously,

Again, I'm not saying that what you're saying is not accurate. I just want to make sure you've kind of tapped into all these areas because obviously you thought it was significant enough that you sat down and you typed an email to us. Right. So, yeah, I want to check in with both your mental and physical health. Just, you know, track. Were there any changes to, again, yeah, diet, medicine, alcohol, drug intake, whatever.

um yeah and sit down and have an actual conversation uh with your with your partner yeah and right you said you said in your email your life is pretty stress-free so i'm thinking potentially because your life wasn't stress-free and it was stressed in maybe a positive way because you were having a good time that maybe your nervous system just doesn't know how to react when you're not going going going or going having threesomes and getting getting drunk and fucking a

whatever you used to do that you liked and enjoyed, you know, maybe your nervous system's like, I don't know how to compute with this new stability. Yeah. Or like, did something happen that was like maybe like more traumatic than you're giving it credit for, like in your life or like what's, it just seems like there might be a little bit something else going on here. Yeah.

And you know what? Where there's something else going on all over the Internet. Hell yeah. If you want to join me for a political talk, you know, not just about the mayor's race, national and international political talk. Every Wednesday I do without a country podcast at 9 p.m. Eastern time on YouTube. You can call in the show live and we just go over the major news stories of the week and we find the truth.

somewhere between Fox and Vox. It's a very good time. Get that at Without a Country on YouTube. You can follow me on Instagram, Without a Country, et cetera, et cetera. You know the drill. It's a fun show. I love doing it. Great community, critical thinking, very important stuff.

And guys, thank you to everybody in London who came out to the show. I really enjoy meeting you. I say this a lot. You cannot pick your fans. You cannot pick the people that are drawn to you and that have had you in your ear for many years, which is such an honor. But you guys are just the fucking best. You're so...

and want more for yourself and are just great people. I mean, we've all done bad things, so I'm not saying you're perfect, but like, it's just, it's just such a pleasure to meet you and to talk to you. It really is. So I appreciate the conversations I have with the fuckers in London. Um, and Top Secret Comedy Club. I mean, they don't, they don't need more promotion because they're doing great because they're packing their rooms, but holy shit. When I was asking like, Hey, what comedy clubs, uh,

in London, I was asking comics, but a lot of you responded and said, I go to top secret. Uh, so that's a great one. Thank you. Not a secret anymore. Yeah. Uh, but the guy, Mark, who owns it and runs it is fantastic. I had such great conversations with him. He was a street performer for many decades. He got into this on like a whim. Like he did it. He was asked to do an open mic and he did it. And then he ran and he runs, it's three rooms. It's two separate locations, a few blocks away. Um,

But it's three separate rooms. He fucking kills it. He does a great job. It's a really cool space. So thank you for coming out. I will be back, Ban. I will be back. And then if you're listening to this, if you're a Luminary subscriber, and it's the week this comes out, Baltimore, Maryland, I'm in you.

April 10th, 11th, and 12th, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I'm going to be headlining the Port Comedy Club in Baltimore, Maryland. Please get your tickets. The link for those is in my bio on Instagram at Christina Hutch. Naples, Florida, I'm doing a one-nighter in you. Thursday, April 24th, Off the Hook Comedy Club. And as always, I have my Patreon, patreon.com slash Christina Hutchinson.

Where for five bucks, you just have to be a paid member to get access to these Zooms. There's varying levels of money you can give, but whatever you're comfortable with. Five bucks a month, we hop on a Zoom once a week and talk about stuff. And I initially started this to be like a trauma, like talk about like things that, you know, I've talked about trauma on this podcast for a long time, so I kind of

just naturally used, you know, kind of stayed with those topics for the Patreon. But really, we're getting very philosophical in these Zooms and I really appreciate it. People are bringing their situations to the table, but we're having these much bigger conversations about, well, what does this mean? What's the lesson in this? And how can I kind of integrate this into my life? It's fucking great. And on that note, I wanted to talk about something that

personal that I thought was interesting and I think it would be, you know, relatable to the listeners of this show. As you know, I've been trying to, you know, I go through, I go through ebbs and flows of really trying to figure myself out and then absolutely taking my foot off the brake and just thinking about aliens or ghosts. I feel like those, those are the levels that I oscillate between. And I'm back to a lot of things in my personal life are just kind of

I don't know what the phrase would be like on the chopping board. Like they're, they're, they're up in the air, they're up in the air. And usually that instability makes me fucking freak the fuck out. And I'm not saying it hasn't made me freak out, but, uh, I'm handling it better. But one of the things I made just the most simple realization about myself. And I think it's a really common thing. If you've had a fucked up childhood and I'm talking, um,

your parents were married and they're great and they loved each other and they loved you but your mom was an alcoholic and that fucked you up. Or if you were sexually abused as a kid or if you were in foster homes and in foster care and you were abused there –

whatever the, whatever the gamut of fucked upness that you could encounter as a child, um, you know, what that does is that plants these seeds in our brains. And I figured out, and it's, it's not something, this is not the first time I've thought this about myself. It's not the first time, you know, a therapist has certainly pointed it out. And,

I've certainly read about it in books, but it just clicked in a different way for some reason. I have this deep-seated belief that there's something wrong with me and I am vehemently scanning the areas in my life, my relationships, friendships, my partnerships of all kinds, my projects, people I interact with, how I'm doing financially, how I'm doing in my comedy career. I'm continuously scanning for proof that there's something wrong with me and that's kind of

the place that I operate from. And that's why, you know, when I go to have these like conversations with important people in my life, when there's like a rift and I want to fix it or I want to figure it out or see if it is fixable, I don't handle those conversations well. Cause I freaked the fuck out because I'm like, there's proof there is something wrong with me. Right. I knew it. I fucking knew it. And I almost like get like, there's this part of me that gets like, like, like,

that I was right in a way because I've, because there's that, that deep belief in my brain of like, there's something wrong with you. Well, then it also gives you, then it gives, it kind of takes the burden of, and I'm not saying that you're failing, but it takes the burden of failure off of you. Because you go, I, I, I'm not, I am unable to succeed because there's something wrong with me. Sure. Oh my God. And it's a source of self-sabotage because you're like, well, there's something wrong with me. So I can't be doing, I can't do this thing. Well,

And it's all deep. It's like subconscious, but it's starting to come up to the surface more. And I think that we so often seek, just going through this email inbox every week, a lot of us seek friendships, romantic relationships, job opportunities, relationships.

Where subconsciously we know that we're going to get the proof that there is something wrong with us. Meaning that we go after a partner that isn't right for us. That's for sure. People love doing that. Yeah. And I think that's one of the biggest ways people subconsciously seek proof that they were right, that there's something wrong with them. Right. And now the next – like I'm –

I know we were going to record a bonus episode. I kind of want to wait until I do this mushroom trip. I'm really interested in this mushroom trip I'm about to do because it's not – I've never done it for therapeutic purposes and it's with an older woman that's like kind of my mom's age that I think will be really interesting. But I'm like I don't know how –

you tackle that or like massage that out of you, you could say, you know, mantras, for example, of like, there's nothing wrong with me or I am a good person or I am whatever. I mean, I, none of those particularly resonate with me. What about just accepting that because we are human, there is something wrong with all of us because if there was not anything wrong with us, then we would not be human. Yeah. A hundred percent. And I, and I do, and I know that logically, and I know that, um,

And I understand – like my logical brain is so caught up on stuff and is really like, hey, these were your circumstances that affected you. They still affect you. I got so triggered when I was in England about seeing like a loving family. Every eighth time I see parents love like specifically a daughter and I see the parents' love reflected in how confident that daughter is and how beautifully she walks around the world.

It's like every eighth time I encounter that, it sends me – it's a time warp and I'm all of a sudden back to being 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 years old. And I think that I'm still like grieving the person I could have been if I got one-tenth of a loving parent. And so –

And my logical mind is like, yes, these things happen to you. We're over it. I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking about it. But but I see so much evidence in my life where I operate from this from this position of there's something wrong with you and you're out. You're you're missing is to get proof of that. Well, on the flip side. Well, first of all, I know plenty of people who had nice childhoods who are not confident. Sure. So that there's that to make you feel better.

And then secondly, and then secondly, the grass is always greener, right? Because like if you are loved and stuff and then you still go out into the world and fail, you have absolutely no excuse. Right. Sure. So like if when, when, um, you know, when you have, when you have a foundation that is like nice and like normal, like the, the, the,

you know, every day is like a fucking nightmare because you're like, well, I did all... Like, there's nothing... There's no excuse for not being the absolute best at everything, seemingly. Yeah, I get that. So, I mean, and that's not even like my experience. I'm just like, you know, I think it's like whatever...

we always like the human humanist is like, whatever we have, we think about how things would have been like if we had the other thing. Yeah. Which is, which is kind of pointless, right? I think it's important to like, for me, it was important to grieve. Like,

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One of the things, though, I noticed about me and my brother, because we've been talking a lot. We've been talking like every day lately. And he's one of the he's my most treasured soul that I get to be like he's I love him so much. And he had the same parents that I had. And he has been able to handle them with grace and patience in the face of their extremely out of hand behavior.

uh, difficult. Like, like they make things more difficult than they need to be in a way that I've never seen another person do, frankly. And you know, I, I'm so in awe of him, but I, I, one of the things I realized when I thought that about myself, I was like, no, you just still think there's something wrong with you. My brother doesn't think that he doesn't operate from that perspective. So when my mom, for example, tells him that he needs to go to therapy, which was something that came out of her mouth, uh,

He just goes, okay, mom. Okay. And so, but if that came out of her mouth to me, because of that foundation is a little cracked with that seed, I would lose my shit. Well, because there's something deep down in you that thinks you do need to go back to therapy, right? I mean, I want to go back to therapy. I do want to, but it's like, goes back to that. Like, oh, you're, you're like, oh, she is like, she is right. There is something I need to fix, but also like you feel that way about her. I mean, also it's like, obviously she's talking to herself. Yeah, totally. She's projecting. Yeah.

She's protecting. And there's just like so many parts of myself that are available that they're just never available at the same time. Meaning like, yeah, I could totally have so much compassion to her upbringing. I have so much compassion. Like, man, you know what? You could, you could have been worse. Yeah. And I think it's pretty great that you are yet you, you were this and not worse. Um, and I, and I still think and know that, but, uh, yeah, that's the, that's the main, I've just been watching my brother handle things.

really beautifully and I'm like how the fuck can you handle this shit and I can't and I know you could be twin you could have a twin sibling and they could have a different experience of your parents than you do which I think is very interesting and you know he's older he's a boy there's so many factors um

But yeah, he doesn't have this. There's something wrong with me chip on his shoulder. Well, your parents also didn't keep a huge lie about one of the parents not being biologically the parents from your brother. Mad true. So I mean, I think you have to. He was more pissed off about that than I was. I feel I think we were all more pissed off about that than you were. But then I think you finally digested it. Yeah. It just took a little bit longer. Yeah. Because we were like, what? But even still.

we were like, wait, can you say that again? Because you said a lot of stuff that was like, maybe you were more angry about than the rest of us. And then you got to that one. You're like, no, that's the one that you should be very mad about. But that's still not the one. Well, you know what's mad? It makes me mad. I was raised to the worst thing you could do to your parents is lie to them. That's what I was told. I was said, the worst thing you could do is lie to us. Never lie to us, Christina. Time and time again, I have told the truth.

to them and it's just exploded in my face and been used against me. And they've used it to manipulate you. Yeah. And I'm like, so the part, honestly, the part that angers me the most about that situation, because I think it's a cool situation. I'm glad, I'm not mad that it happened to me. I think it's a very unique experience. I don't know a lot of people with this experience. Yeah. And I'm happy to have that experience under my belt because it's just very interesting. But I'm like, you motherfuckers told me not to lie to you and this whole

God damn time. You were lying to me. Right. Like, fuck. So you can't, don't, don't get mad at me for anything anymore. But yeah. Yeah. So, so, but I, but I noticed, I think one of the easiest ways that somebody who has this deep seated belief that there's something wrong with them, uh, the ways that we express it is in our dating life is in our relationships. Like we, we subconsciously seek a partner. That's like so many times we've read emails on this podcast and I'm not saying this is the answer. Every email of this scenario is,

But so I'm like, bitch, walk and leave. What are you doing? Right. But it's because there's some comfort in the fact that you're getting proof that this false belief you have is correct. Right. Corinne from air. Yeah.

How you doing, girl? It's funny that you have this deep-seated belief that there's something wrong with you, but then everyone else has a deep-seated belief that there's something wrong with me. I know. They really do. You guys got that wrong. But I mean, again, it's not that I don't believe anything is wrong with me. I believe there's things wrong with all of us. And again, that's what makes us human. Yeah. Because we would be robots if nothing was wrong with us. Yeah, we wouldn't be... Programmed to be perfect. Yeah. Which in and of itself is an imperfection, you know? It's really... It's really...

Tough is not the right word, but interesting, but also I get frustrated over having to watch people misunderstand you again in a new field. Of course it's going to happen. Because they misunderstand themselves.

you know well and it's also because no one has uh ever I think because so few people have been like gifted by just someone like wanting to be honest with them and so that's like this like bruising that we all have because like you know similar to you I'm like just you know just be honest with me yeah yeah I love when people are honest like even when it's um

Like negative, like negative. Well, yeah, just, I just want, because it's truthful. Yeah, exactly. You can't move forward with it without the correct information. In my opinion, that saying the truth shall set you free is so sure. It's so true. It's so, and I think the, the heart of that starts with being truthful with yourself.

Yeah. And then when you be truthful with yourself, and it's like, you know, if, if, if the truth turns other people off, which you will find time and time again, that the truth will turn people in your life off if you're truthful with them or, or, you know, about a certain scenario that they don't want to look at it yet. And then you lose a friend or you lose a partner or you lose a job or whatever. I mean, that's going to happen. So it's not like the truth is this panacea for your life going well. Uh, cause a lot of times it's not cause we're in a society that has a weird relationship with the truth. Yeah. Um, but yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I just want to shout from the rooftops that you're the best candidate for mayor and I want people to understand it and just fucking get it already. Very nice, Christina. Thank you. Just, but it just doesn't, everyone else is a boring liar, not a liar necessarily, but like you don't like this politics machine and you know, you and I've been marching and shit.

Since we moved to New York City, we've been marching and shit. I love fighting for women's rights. I love fighting for rights of groups that I am not a part of because it makes me feel more human because it makes me – it takes me out of myself and I want to fucking help somebody else who needs it, right? And so we've always been, you know, like really into that. And yeah, I just – the people that think that you're running –

For an ego trip. I've yet to encounter... You know, I started maybe encountering like, is this a bit? But then it's slowly been realized that it's not. Exactly. What's funny about this? That was always my response. I'm like, this would be the least funniest bit in the history of comedy. Yeah, I'm like, what's the humor that I'm telling you guys that you deserve more and that you shouldn't be abused by your government? Uh-huh. Uh-uh. Got you, bitch. That's not funny. She got you. There's nothing funny about that. It's actually quite serious. But there is...

I went to Instagram right away on April 5th because I was really hoping to see the streets flooded in America, in all the cities, and they fucking were. And that made me so...

I was just outside a pub smoking a cigarette, like tears down my face, like, yeah, we got, we fucking did it. Cause the reality is there's more people in America that care and that are kind and that want the best for everybody and that want actual equality. And so it was really beautiful to see. And I think a system has to crumble for it to be rebuilt and reestablished.

very clearly many systems in america need to be rebuilt and so we're watching them crumble we're watching the president tank the stock market and we're watching and it's like yes these things are scary but don't do not don't the second you fear feel you feel fear creep up take a breath okay because that's not going to help uh yes what's happening is a little scary but it's but what's really cool about this is this is how we make a pivot

And I think candidates like you running for office, your heart is in the right place. There's just no... Well, that's never really helped me before. I know, but I want that to actually be helpful and an advantage to a candidate. I know you're doing it, and it's so sweet. But I literally said to my campaign manager yesterday, I go, I feel like I'm being too genuine, and it's really working against me. But I honestly feel that. Yeah. But I don't know, like...

A lot of people, especially men, are really good at having these concocted personalities that people really buy. It's called late night television host. Yeah, I really just don't even know where one would go or how one would go about crafting such a personality. I'm not really interested in having that, but just for shits and giggles, if I concocted

I think you have to think of the end goal of how you want people to react to you and go from there. I want people to be able – but I mean like I think it's also the problem is that like I think that there are more important goals than me personally winning the election, which is a terrible strategy to win an election. It's got to be a little less authentic, correct?

I think it's like – Yeah, I get it. In my mind, it's like the candidates who are not evil should really be – we want to be working together to make sure that this one evil – I mean there's – so I mean I think Andrew Cuomo is truly an evil person. I don't think Eric Adams is evil. I think he is someone who –

his ego's a little his ego and his quest for power have um diverted him from the course that he set out on originally and also there's like I mean just like being being involved in a corrupt institution like the NYPD for many years yeah uh you know I think there's a lot of layers there I could have a beer with Eric Adams and have a good time I think we all could and that's the problem right I could not have a beer with Cuomo and have a good time mm-mm yeah because I'd be drugged right

I don't think he's not doing that. I'm too old probably. I don't think he's doing that. No, I know. But yeah, that's not on the table for the allegations. Yeah. Well, I mean, he's just he sucks. Cuomo Cuomo is an evil, evil piece of shit. And, you know, telling Eric doesn't have that in him. I think there's something very interesting about me telling people you shouldn't you shouldn't accept being lied to makes people think I am lying to them.

Right, because we hear that from people. Yeah, maybe because we hear that from politicians as they're lying. Just like critically think and like if something starts to feel culty or something starts to feel like we're not questioning this person anymore and like nothing they can do is wrong. Right. In any instance, no matter what party line they are on. I just think that's strange. Yeah, I agree. I think it's strange. Well, that's – yeah, and that's why like a lot of listeners of our show are –

are helping the campaign by donating, by reaching out to press. Like it is a group project, but it's a group project ran by people that fucking know you. Right. You know, if you've been listening to every person I talked to in England was like, I've listened to you for 10, 12,

Like everyone doesn't have a decades of campaign. If I had a decades of campaign, Christina, yeah, yeah, man, would I win this election? Right. But that's why like they're, they're, you know, the listeners of the show that are moved by you running and actually fucking doing it and getting off their ass and telling somebody in New York that they're voting.

you know, to donate or whatever, you know, these are the people that know you and get you. And, and it is rare in the comedy industry to have fans for this long and to have fans that know you and fucks with you like y'all do. And that, but also I don't know a single standup comedian with a podcast who has a, has,

thousands of people that have left an abusive relationship because of listening to a podcast, listening to like the philosophies and talking out, like, what do you want for your life? And how could you live a better life? And how could you look at those areas that need to be looked at that are scary and all this shit? Like the, the impact of guys we fucked is so, um, potent. And I, but that's why I'm to get so excited about your campaign because it's like what you can do for a population could actually, it's just, it's just all good. Yeah.

Well, I mean, I think it's only good goal here is like whatever, you know, to take away from various things we do. But like in this instance, we're working on the campaign. So I think it's like, you know, hopefully this inspires you to do the thing that you wanted to do and to not be complacent with what you have if you're not doing.

happy with it and to realize we can all take steps every day to make the world to make the world a better place for each other but I mean like yeah it really is just like we you know a lot of times people will say power to the people or and stuff like that and like are like kind of like well what does that really mean but it's just like

all the steps along the way to running for office or getting elected to a specific office that you have to take and that we do have control. It's a numbers game and we do have control, but we've been convinced that we don't have control and too many people have believed that narrative for too long. And I mean things like Donald Trump throwing us all into fits of hysteria is really working quite well. Yeah, his little gaslighting tactics are... I read Rachel... I fucking love Rachel Maddow.

Oh, I was just watching a clip of her on the way here. I love her so much. Wait, wait. Did you hear? If I was gay, I would date Rachel Maddow. She would have me. Did you hear? Yeah, she's very pretty. Did you hear that? I would feel so protected by her. Did you hear the whole thing about, okay, wait, what's his, um, uh,

Ron Vera, this like... Yes, that's what I was gonna... The made up. Yeah. So he was the one, Jared Kushner... Peter... Yeah. Was tasked with researching how to make the economy better by Donald Trump. He went to Amazon and looked up books and...

and found a book by Ron Vera that was all these tariffs. By Peter Navarro. Peter Navarro, who cited Ron Vera. Multiple times in his economic text. As this expert and as proof that Peter Navarro's tariff idea is a good idea because Ron Vera said it was. Actually a genius idea. We should make up a fake. Ron Vera doesn't fucking exist, you guys. It's a made-up expert that he used, that Peter Navarro used to cite in all his books.

And that's why Trump's doing the tariffs. Yeah. That's the only reason. As to as to why tariffs are a good idea. It's based on books by Peter Navarro that are where he continuously cites Ron Vera, who is a truly a made up based on the letters of his own name. Yeah.

A made up. It's like if you switch the letters of Chris Fisher and made another guy's name. Yeah. That's what he did. He doesn't exist. So Trump told his son-in-law to go to Amazon.com and look up books about the economy. And he found one where he cites tariffs are the way to go. And the expert of this whole backbone of the book is this guy, Ron Vera, who doesn't exist. Yeah. I'm like,

Y'all do. Yeah. I'm like, no one thought to like Google Ron Vera. Just a Google. You didn't have to use chat GPT. No one thought to do. Maybe I'm the president. You know, I could give Ron Vera a call. Maybe get him in here. Get him. Get him. Get Ron Vera on the horn. But it's just Peter Navarro. Peter Navarro. Peter Navarro. Isn't he part of Trump's team now or something?

Yeah, he came on. He came on the team, right? As like some kind of fucking head of economics or strategist or something. I don't know. Bro, this is so... What's happening is so... I mean, it's awful. People's families are getting deported. And then... And the Justice Department is like, oopsie poopsie, we made a mistake. Which is at least a little refreshing, I guess, to hear somebody on the Trump side say we made a mistake. It also does speak to a bit of the lack of corruption in voting. Because again...

I was really convinced that they wouldn't let Trump win, but they did. Yeah, they did. Yeah, they did. But now everybody's getting pissed off and it's so cool to see everybody flood the streets. And it's a great opportunity for the left, for people that voted for Trump and people that voted for Kamala. Let's come together because fuck that. We got it. We got to remind ourselves that.

The powers that be are the ones profiting and benefiting off of Democrats hating Republicans and vice versa. That is just a fucking tactic. Well, yeah, because this is a war between billionaires and the rest of us. Yes. And so I loved seeing – I mean it sucks that it comes to – look –

I thought my mom was my best friend for most of my life. So I get what it's like to really think somebody's in your corner and then go, oh, shit, you weren't. I got got. It sucks. It's embarrassing. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Let's all come together. And I wish it didn't take, you know, somebody who voted for Trump, their wife to get deported. But unfortunately, that's what's going to happen to change minds. But it's really cool to see a lot of people that voted for Trump that are angry and that are showing up because they're angry. I fucking love that, man. Yeah. Yeah.

It's very promising. Like we said, it's okay to make a mistake. Just say it. Just say, you know what? I made a mistake and I was wrong. But there are a lot of liberals who are like, yeah, you were wrong. Don't sit in it. And liberals do that. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Stop. You don't know where these people were coming. I'm just not that angry. I go, okay. Well, yeah, that was unfortunate that you were.

that you got got for so long. It was, we've all gotten, we've all gotten got. Girl, I got got so many times. Have you got got though? Yeah. I can think of one time where you got got. Yeah. Yeah. I got got. I was a popular got gotter too. And I was like, Corinne could got got. I can get got got. I didn't,

I mean, I was bummed that that happened to you, but I was like, wow, it really is. Anybody can get got. Really humanized. When I saw Corinne got got, I'm like, anybody can get got. It happens. It happens. Well, I got got two times. The one you don't know about is when I was Instagram food influenced to go to this place called Mystery Scoop, and then they just gave me a scoop of vanilla. That was the second time I got got. That sucks. Not as much as the other time. I paid $10 for a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and I said, I'm like,

Losing my mind here? Mystery scoop. It is the magic ice cream. It will change your life. You will shit on the sidewalk. I was so mad. Oh, man. We all get got. Oh, God. All right. Today's guest. Beautiful conversation. I've had a lot of deep combos with this man because him and I have had similar mental breakdowns. And so I always like talking to people on the other side of their mental breakdown. Yeah. He's a great stand-up comedian.

And we have a great conversation about topics that have to do with trauma and psychedelics and healing and having a partner that is truly ride or die. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the show, Mike Fanoia.

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Okay, everybody, how you doing? We are here with stand-up comedian Mike Fanoia. Hello. So happy to have you. Thank you, guys. It's so nice to see you. You as well. We had a really epic conversation on your podcast, you and I, about a trauma. Yeah.

Yeah. It's what's for dinner. It's the common denominator of all of us. And if we don't get traumatized in childhood, boo, just wait till you're an adult. Trauma is a universal experience for sure. Yeah. But you had some childhood trauma that I want to –

get to the point where we talk about this breakdown of yours. Cause it sounds very similar to the one I had. And it's so jarring to have a mental breakdown that last years. You're like, am I going to die? Am I broken? Am I going to die? Uh, so your childhood growing up chaotic. Insane. Yeah. What, what flavor? What flavor? Uh, okay. Um, my folks had me when they were 18. Oof. My dad,

They split when I was two months old and I lived with my mom and her two brothers and my grandparents. They were like the family that raised me. My uncles were like maybe 14 and 15. Whoa. Oh, right. Because your mom was only 18. Yeah, exactly. She was the oldest. She was a baby having a baby. Exactly. And I loved it. Like the first seven years of my life were like bliss. Like I feel like I peaked at 18.

Eight. I think I peaked at four. Yeah, totally. Because you're the only, you were the only kid at the time, right? Everyone's obsessed with you. Literally every memory I have is sunny and bright and it smells good. You know how like, like those real vibrant, like, uh, you look back and everything is just like the doors are open. There's like, everything's clean. And then my folks got back together when I was seven, eight. And,

And we moved in with my dad and his family, which was like very old Italian. Like just I'm mainly Italian, but it's like, you know, there's the Olive Garden Italian and then there's like the Godfather Funeral Italian. Like that was kind of like he was the Godfather Funeral. Yeah. Oh, very like everything was dark and everything was like weird and musty. And did you talk to your dad in between these seven years? I mean, he kind of.

I'd go see him on days, but I don't really remember like there being any like regular, I saw him, but it was kind of more of like a,

A bummer because like everybody in my neighborhood was all like – it was one of those neighborhoods where like – it was like the wonder years. Oh, that's nice. Like you just like open up the door and kids are playing games and you just join in and whatever. Before screens. What I ended up realizing was – OK. Well, then my folks had three more kids. So I'm the oldest. Oh, and then you weren't the cutest favorite one. Not at all. I was – I became – I remember one of my aunts came over once and was like –

I'm here to see the baby. I'm not here to see you. And like, kind of like almost stiff armed me out of the way. And I was like, I'm actually older siblings. I'm like, Corinne, did you have that when your brother was born? You're not too far apart. So you were younger. Uh, did you have like a, no, we're five, we're five years apart. I think that's pretty, she had five years of being the only one. Yeah, no, I mean, I liked having a brother. It was too much attention on me. Oh,

Oh, that's healthy. Yeah, I used to like hate going out to dinner with like just like my parents or something. I need my brother. Too many questions. Yeah. No pressure on you anymore. I like attention when I'm on stage and then when I'm not on stage, I like zero attention. It's so funny that you say that. I love my siblings. Like I was so happy when they came. I have – my sister is closest to me and then my brother and then my youngest sister. Yeah.

And it's so weird because as we get to the trauma thingy, you could see how the spectrum of like parenting. Oh, yeah. It's almost like I was like the crash test dummy of the family and they kind of learned. Every kid gets a different experience of their parents even if you're twins. Right. You get a different experience. So wild. So –

Then from that point on, we moved a ton. I moved 10 times before I graduated high school. What the fuck? And it was all within my own hometown. We never left my hometown, which is even more difficult because there was no actual time to start over. Why did you move? Yeah, it's also like what's the purpose of moving 10 times within your own – are you just using –

Rentals? It's like the Matt Hatter tea party. Like, dirty cup, move down, move down. That's literally what it was like. And I never knew we were moving. I realized this is when I first started to use humor as like a... We were on the bus and we pulled onto my street and a girl on the bus goes, you're moving? And that's how I learned we were moving. There was like a for sale sign in the yard and I was like...

Uh, yeah. Cause I hate you guys. This neighborhood sucks. Like I started like roasting the bus and then I, but I'm like fighting back tears. Meanwhile, you're moving two blocks. Literally. I moved around the corner because it was my, I don't know. My dad just, I don't know. Oh, wait. If he's like mafioso Italian, maybe he's up to some shit. I wish it was that cool. I think it was just bad gambling and like, you know,

So we just had to keep bouncing around and she kept having kids. So I was like, all right, I had to use that as material. Yeah. But we weren't moving to better houses. We were just moving to different. It was like parallel moves. Parallel or down. Yeah. And then the house that we ended up like living in for high school was at the end of the driveway to the high school.

Oh, no. And it was like this – I know. And it was like this house that needed – it was in total disrepair. So we had to redo it. Dude, the kids are such dicks. So when I lived – oh, God. In middle school when I lived in the apartments, they were called – like they would just – I would get made fun of for not having a house. Yep. Well, you want to know what I ended up doing? Like we had a barn in the backyard and I just used that as like everyone can smoke weed back there.

Nice. Clout. Yeah. And I'm like, can we please be like cool and not talk about... I gotta repair my reputation. Yeah, totally. So in the process of like moving, like them getting back together, I kind of lost my two older brothers at the same time. You know what I mean? So that was a weird like...

You know what I mean? And then like my mom's just pregnant the rest of my childhood basically. So I was like shit, you know? So I sort of just like – I was the kid that slept over everybody else's house. Dude, same. You know? Like literally I like – thank God for no cell phones. Can your mom have a sleepover?

Can she say yes? Yes. I begged to sleep over all my friends' houses. I had like two or three friends that had cool moms that I would just be like, if my mom calls to check on me, like I'm sleeping here. You know what I mean? I kind of just couch surfed around my hometown a little bit, you know? And then the minute I graduated high school, I moved out, like got an apartment in downtown New Haven with a bunch of friends and went to work and started just like everything was just, you know, from that point on, just an adult. Like I was like 11 and I had jobs.

Wow. Like at a pizza place. Thank God. I just had my bike, had my cigarettes stashed at a park. At 11? Yeah. Wow. Bad boy. I grew up quick in that way. You know what I mean? And I just felt like everybody was like just abandoned me. It was like collateral damage kind of thing. But I didn't know it at the time. Of course. Only through a 40-something-year-old –

nervous breakdown yeah yeah and a bunch of psychedelic you know um stuff so throughout my whole life i put tons and tons of emphasis on every single friendship every single relationship yeah every breakup was like a forget you ever knew my name but it's like we're walking into math together in like eighth grade and i'm like you know well you said that too yeah right yeah i took everything i took everything to like the highest level of like

Well, sensitivity. Well, that's normal for a guy with a relationship. But when you said you put everything into every single friendship, what did that look like for a man? Because men tend to not put everything into their friendships, which I think they should put more into them. I am... It would be helpful. I'm so unbelievably lucky that I still have like a core group of non-comedy friends. Yeah, that's very important. From like...

middle school to now. And there's like, my hometown is very like, it's like Dazed and Confused a little bit where it was like everybody was a burnout, everybody was an athlete, everybody was a cheerleader, everybody went to concerts together, whatever. We were all very, we'd have a keg in the woods and then we'd all be like, you know, whatever. So I'm friends with a lot of people. I was always friends with older kids. I was always trying to like fill that like dad, older brother kind of thing with like older friends. You know, most of my friends are

They graduated high school when I was a freshman. Yeah. So I was friends like through sports and whatever. And I held on to them. But I put so much emphasis in like –

getting let down. Like I was always like, um, expecting someone to fuck up essentially. And when they did, dead to me, dead to me. Like you broke my heart. Like I, I knew I shouldn't trust people. Letting you proved it right. You know what I mean? Sometimes in a way, uh, you manifest that because you're like waiting for them to fuck up and then the,

you don't say it, but that energy is weird and they feel it and then they fuck up because they're like, I don't even know why I'm doing this. Yeah, and it's like, why are you my social boss? Like, first of all, you're younger than me and you're like, mad I'm 10 minutes late. Like, if any... Oh, so shit like that. I had a thing where I realized it after the fact, again, as an adult looking back.

My uncle once said, come over and sleep over for the weekend and we'll do this and that, whatever. And I had my bag packed and I'm sitting by the window waiting and he never showed up. That feeling is the like pendulum thing of like when I'm getting disappointed by someone or when I'm forgotten or when I'm not accepted for a thing in this career. Yeah. That feeling is what gets like triggered. And I'm like, God damn it. I'm sure bombing early on in your standup career felt good.

Oh, and just seeing like – I mean even to today, like just seeing like, oh, there's another Netflix thing that I'm not submitting for or whatever the hell. Like how come no one is thinking to ask me about this? But at least now I have that lane assist of like – You know they're not – Netflix doesn't like send out like a mass email that you're not on. Of course I know. I wish they did though. I wish they fucking did.

But isn't it hilarious that it's like – They pluck darlings and they just keep giving them the same things. It's not like – it's not a coup. I know. But no matter how much I know that, there's still that – It's like a the world's against me kind of thing. Always. And it's traffic. And it's a victim mentality. It's people cutting me off. It's – you name it. You name it. Yo, I get so pissed. I almost got shot eight times from road rage incidents. It's insane. It's absolutely insane. So every relationship to me was very like – I put all my like –

You have my loyalty. You have my love. You have my trust. But if you ruin it, you're dead to me. I've never heard your name before. Exactly. And even in like high school –

Where it's like, I mean. Shit happens. Friends stop talking to each other. It's sad. Yes, but I felt like everything was so like off the edge of a cliff. Black or white. Yeah. So got into a real serious relationship after college and immediate hot and heavy fell like madly in love with each other. Moved in together immediately. Introduced my friends to her friends. They all hit it off. One of my best friends left.

is married to one of her best friends, but her and I had a vicious breakup, like a horrible, horrible breakup. How so? How vicious are we talking? Well, I— And how old were you? You were post-college, 24? 25, 26. Okay, so I'm sure as you were falling in love, as your friends were meshing with her friends, you were probably like, I'm never going to die. This was it. You feel so invincible. I was like, this is how cool— It's the feeling I've wanted my whole life. Right, like when you wake up and you're just like—

You're excited to like find out how their date went. You're like – you could talk to each other about them and everybody can be together and fun and having a good time. And I just knew in the back of my mind I'm like something is not going to – I'm not good enough for – like she came from money and I'm poor. So I kind of like – Oh, how was that at first? Horrible. Absolutely horrible. Did she make you feel bad about it or did you make yourself feel bad about it? I – yeah.

Her folks could be a little underhand at times. Like when I asked about proposing, they were like, are you going to be able to give her the life that she's like used to and whatever? And I'm like, she lives in my apartment with me and she's like, what are you talking about? Yeah. So but I remember she came home. She came back with like a Land Rover once as like an Easter gift. Easter? And I was like, wait, they love the Lord. I had a bag of socks. Wait, Easter?

Yeah, I got a bag of socks. I got like... I mean, I get jelly beans. I know. She had a Land Rover. She got a fucking Land Rover? And I put my thing of socks in the back of the Land Rover and I was like... Equal. Yeah, exactly. And I'm like, who's paying for the gas for this thing, right? I don't know.

Anyway, I proposed. She didn't like the size of the ring. Wait, how did she express that? Oh, facial expression. I mean, like she said yes, but then it was like afterwards. It was like she'd just be like kind of glaring at it a little bit and I'm just like, what's up? And she's like, I don't really like love the ring and I'm just like, this isn't you. Like I knew what I think it was was just her trying to say nicely, I'm not ready to be married. I don't want to marry a poor woman.

Yeah. But what was hilarious was I was doing way better than like – I got into sales because her dad was in sales and I'm like, he's making a ton of money and I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. So I was killing it. Oh, nice. Regardless, I was kind of like this just doesn't feel – I felt them kind of drawn like a wedge between things. Yeah. And then –

She got pregnant and I was thrilled. Oh, yeah. And she ended up deciding not to have the child. Did she consult you? No. She kind of told me this is what I'm doing. After knowing you were so excited? Yeah. Yeah. And I was like – She made that decision. And here's the thing. And here's the thing. I don't hold any – I think it's totally up to a woman to make the choice. However, this wasn't like a –

one night thing. You weren't just fucking. Right. We were like, we were engaged. So I'm like, oh, fantastic. And we've talked about it and all this and whatever. Right. But it seems like all her movements, even like the ring and stuff, it's, it's, she's giving you slight signs that she's not ready. Right. Yeah. Totally. The whole time. Totally. And then she started to like,

you know, stray and hang out with other dudes and stuff. And I'm like, this is it. It's time. Yeah. But also I was having this, like, that was like a man breakup though. Yeah. She's just like, she's doing what men do. She's like, she didn't have the courage to break up. So she's just throwing like problems into the relationship so that you dump her. Exactly. And you know what I think it is, is I'm very like, when you're in my,

Yeah. Let's put down all the bullshit and just like we're partners. We're a team. You know what I mean? And it's that frequency thing where it's like if we could talk about that, like real stuff like or I don't want you in my life. Sure. So how'd she tell you?

That she was pregnant. Oh, I brought her. I drove her. Oh, okay. So she was like, I want to do this. And the whole time we were on our way, I was like, you really don't have to do this. But she did. And then I just felt this insane amount of guilt. But even though... Why guilt? Well, I don't know. You were just happy to... This idea of you starting a family, that's got to be such a mindfuck to anybody. It was crushing. And it was...

You know, down the road, like she ended up having family and what I, and I don't, I don't have kids, but, um, and I won't and it's okay. And I'm glad in retrospect. Okay. Like, I mean, if things work the way that they would have, that might, it would have been like, it probably would.

I don't know, senior in high school or something by now or freshman and like an adult kid. Yeah. But I don't think I would have been able to – it all worked out for the right reasons. Yeah. Well, and then your breakup you said was nasty? Yeah, just it turned out to be like, yeah, we hated each other and we got very vicious and very vindictive and I kind of – I didn't take it well because I lost my friends and her because –

My friends and her friends were all kind of hanging out together, right? And they ended up getting married. So everybody kind of went that way. And I was left over here, or at least that's how I perceived it, right? If I was able to just kind of be, eh, whatever, fuck it. Like let's all – I could be around her. They want – but I turned tail and moved to Denver and just like did a ton of drugs and –

Blew off steam and really kind of like hit it hard, like just drank and did coke and did – Oh, wow. Like just partied. Just in the mountains like coke in Denver. Coke in Denver. Yeah, I was like that doesn't sound like a good match. With the higher – I love Denver though. With the mountains. Yeah. Yeah, it was nuts. It was nuts. And then long story short, moved home, started doing stand-up after I like broke my arm and whatever and I started to do stand-up. I met my now wife. How did you meet? Match. Match.

Match.com? Oh my God. I was going to move to – I don't think I've heard of a Match.com success story in recent years. Yeah, that's great. I didn't – I had an account and I didn't remember that I like – I wasn't on it like actively. I was doing – like just starting stand-up.

And I was like, I'm going to move to LA. I'm going to just get the hell out of here or whatever. And then it said, I got an email that was like, you have winks in your thing that weeks. So I, I looked and see there she was nice and cute redhead. And I was like, awesome. So I went on a date with her and we immediately hit it off. And,

I don't know. And this was still in Denver? No, in back east. Like we were here. So I – yeah, we hit it off. We immediately – like I was like, listen, I don't know if you want anything to do with me. Like I'm a bit of a mess. Wild card, yeah. I'm getting into stand-up. Like you don't want this. Like you're put together. God, men will tell you who they are. And I'm just like I don't want to screw you up, you know? Right. Because also I don't want to have that like –

I know myself and I know I'm going to be nagging myself with, I'm not good enough for her, you know, kind of thing. So she's like, shut up. You're great. And we started, you know, kind of, you know, have like seriously dating. We got engaged and did she like the size of the ring? She loved it. Good. She was very sweet. And, uh, and it was a nice ring. Yeah. Um, but I, uh,

And it was a different one, of course. Oh, yeah. That's fucking – I hope so. No, I've heard of people that like – All the time people reuse rings. Reuse rings. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I would never in a million years. An engagement ring? Yeah. Reuse it? Of course. They hold on to it and then they go like – Yeah. Didn't work once. Let's try again. I would never in a million years. I'd be livid. And a lot of times you would because you don't want to lose money in the resale. Which I did. Yeah.

Which I totally see. Well, that was the right choice because what the fuck? In the long run. Yeah, totally. Totally. I don't even like when people give like grandmothers or mothers rings. That's weird too. Get that fucking nasty ass ring off me. That's disgusting. Yeah, see that I don't mind. You're fucking your mother? It's disgusting. It's disgusting. It's disgusting.

It's, oh my God. Like a vintage from like a grandma I don't know. Yeah. Amazing. Or even like maybe repurpose it or something maybe. The whole familial thing, it's way too much pressure. Yeah, it's very weird. It's too much. You're starting a new life. This is not some like...

continuation of something yeah yeah it's fucking strange and and and my wife was super cool right away like i brought her to see me do stand up and i bombed horribly and she like was like are you any good at this shit she's like that's the worst thing and she like that's such a funny response crawled up one side of me down the other told me everything i was doing wrong she's like you're playing with your shirt you're saying and shit after every sentence all those little things that i was she saw right through everything and i'm like i'm gonna marry her this is what i need you know

And she understood my – like the work that has to go into it and the whole thing. Yeah. So – You guys are ride or die. Yeah. She's badass, man. She really is.

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I became really good friends with Oakerson about two years, a year and a half into my marriage. Big J. Oakerson. Everyone's not going to know what you're talking about. Shout out to Big J. Oakerson. Anyway, he said to me, um,

I'm moving to the East village. I got a room available. If you want to like come down and like, you could rent, like, like live with us and like show you around, take you on the road, whatever. And this and that. And I'm like, okay, let me go ask my newlywed wife if I can go live with a dude in the East village after we like just bought a house and all this shit. And she's like,

Uh, what? Yeah. Like, go ahead. And she's like, I'll go back to school too. And like, whatever. So we kind of looked at it as like going back to school. So I split time. Oh, wow. Between our house and my apartment in New York. Wow. That sounds sick. For the first like six or seven, six years of my marriage. That's kind of nice. Cause then you're just not like on top of each other all the time. And the time you are spending together, it's like, it's like you were having an affair with your wife. Exactly. And I, I swear to God, like when the pandemic hit and we,

you know, it's been eight years. We should probably live together. You know, it actually made that so much more exciting because it was like we started dating again almost, you know? And like, then it flipped where like, she's working insane hours because of COVID and I'm home out of work freaking out. So I'm doing whatever I can to like,

Help her, you know, I'm like making her peanut butter and jelly, like doing whatever I could to like, just try to make her life. Like, just can I feel needed in some way? Yeah. Yeah. And then I've just, we've just been staying, you know, we've, we've continued to live together. Nice. And it's stronger than ever and better than ever. And it's just been like unreal that like we were able to, so I look back on that time and like you said, I think it was fantastic to have a relationship.

conventional things don't work for me yeah so like the ability to have a wife and a relationship where i can go like okay friday saturday sunday i'm on the road i'll be back sunday night through tuesday and let's make sure we hang this night and make sure we do and it's like we got as much in as we could and we paid attention to each other and we like really valued each other's time

And then I'd have to like, you know, pack my laundry and bring my food back to the city. And it's like, you know, that's so cool. That sounds really fun. It's like a weird double life kind of too. That sounds great. Yeah. It was pretty sick. So I recommend it. All the perks of having an affair, but no lying or cheating. Well, right. And it's also like this thing that people like have a man cave and all this shit. It's like, I had a whole like out of state, like, yeah, you know, and she would come down and then I got a place in Queens. So we had our two different spots, you know, we had a place in Connecticut and a place here. Yeah.

So it all worked out really cool. Meanwhile, I'm just beating the shit out of myself. Like my anxiety and my like whatever –

real bad. Yeah. Anytime I was where I wasn't, I was feeling like I should be in the other place. Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like I was, something was always wrong. Yeah. And it was always me. Yeah. And it was always the pressure of like me trying to be all things at once. And I just couldn't, if one thing went wrong, it was, I just like the whole tower came down and when I was vicious, much like the tower tarot card. Yes.

Is that true? Yeah, the tower tarot card usually means like everything is crumbling down and it's a death of something, usually a part of you. Yeah. It's rough. It's really hard. And like I used to smoke weed to like relax. But anytime I smoked in New York, I'd go – my wife is home alone. What kind of husband am I?

And then when I was there and if I smoked or something, I'd be like my whole career – like right now I could be doing spots. What the hell am I doing here? So you're just continuing the inner dialogue of beating the shit out of yourself. Constantly. Constantly. That has a shelf life – I mean not a shelf life. Like that has a breaking point and you experienced it. Yes. So let's go into that. Pandemic hits and everyone loses their mind and all the wild shit is going on and –

someone's in office as president and things are, you know, kind of getting a little bit dicey out there. And, uh, my folks, my dad, he had a mindset that I didn't and things kind of got like very weird. I think it was like when the whole, like,

Tucker Carlson kind of like was making everybody think that – I don't know. I don't know. That was what I would call my doing mushrooms days. Like I was trying not to pay attention to the news because it would make me so sad. So –

I confronted him and I talked to my family and I was just like, listen, I've had it with this shit. Like this has been my life too for too long. And I'm sticking up for you guys and I'm doing this and that and whatever. And everybody kind of chose sides. Like for the first time ever, it was like if our, if our family was like a pond, like a big stone fell into the pond and ripples and everybody had to kind of like,

Go off on their own. Who are these people to you? Who are these people to you? Like I'm older than my siblings. Maybe they had a different relationship than I did. So I understand they got to go the way they got to go, but we're not – and it just turned into this thing where like the walls just started to cave in and I was like – again –

No comedy, right? So there's no distractions. Right. And you're just kind of stuck holding all your shit. And I started to have these like – I would wake up at like 3 in the morning and

literally like gripping the mattress right and I felt like I was almost like it was weird like dreams when you're awake but you're not yeah your body's kind of like I felt like I was having like those like falling constantly type things I was having like terrible paranoia and I was like I didn't want to leave the house my wife would be like let's just go get ice cream or something and I like didn't want to get out of the car yeah I felt like you know if I had gigs I would like

drive to the gig, park outside, wait until like the very last minute, run in, do my set, run back to the car. I was making excuses for, my friends were calling me going like, let's go to a concert. Let's go to this. Like the world started to open back up and I'm like, nah, man, I gotta do, you know, I just made up excuses and I hid from the world, but I was having like, I couldn't sleep. Like from the morning I woke, from the minute I woke up to the minute I went to sleep, I was going like a thousand miles an hour in my head and I couldn't,

I couldn't like hit the brakes. Like it was terrible. And I asked my wife to leave me. I, I went to a doctor and was like, I'm not suicidal, but I'm exhausted. Like, I don't know what the, I don't know what to do. Like nothing helped. And I was taking Xanax, which is,

terrible because it works short term, but then you get like rebound anxiety from it. So, and that's hard to like, don't you get addicted? Yeah, I was totally like, yeah, I was pretty hooked on it. And, uh, I, um, went to this shrink. I went to the psychiatrist and what I did was prior to going to the appointment, I sat down and I wrote

essentially a timeline, like kind of like in a more detailed version of what we just went through. Right. All the way back to like the first shit I remember that like, you know, and to the, to today or to then, you know, and I'm like sobbing and I'm just writing all this out. And I said what I wanted to accomplish my physical, like whatever. Cause you know, when you go to that first appointment with a therapist, they're like, so tell me about yourself. I didn't have time.

for them to go come back next week. Like I needed to go like, you know, here's me. Like lock me up. Help me. Put me somewhere. Yeah. And I mean that. Like I was ready to like, I was so sad. This is actually a great money saving tip just to Jew out for a second. You can save time in therapy by like, if you have a therapist who accepts emails, I used to always do this. So I would email a chunk and like basically like, you know, prior to our session this week, I just wanted to go over a

things and you don't waste time then you got like a little bit of you know it's a it's a they can start formulating what they think is the issue for you it also makes them more prepared for the session because you're making them do homework so that yes that's a great that's genius yeah and i used to call therapy emotional blue balls because it was like the moment like yeah i felt like i was getting somewhere exactly now we're at a time i know what i need to conquer in this session so i'm like i'll email you some advanced things like if i have like a letter from an ex-boyfriend or like a text exchange i'm like

Can you read this in advance of the appointment? It's a good tip. And then, yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah. It's really, truly a money, a crazy money-saving tip. It really, and it's a time-saver. So every time you get a new therapist, you're like, okay. I went to so many. And then you got to see the reaction in their eyes again, and you're like, cool. I know it's bad. And I was going to a hypnotherapist who I love, but she even said to me,

I'm not qualified to help you with the shit you're going through. She's like, you got to go... Trauma therapy? Yeah. So what I did... A lot of these therapists went to school for two years or something. And she's an incredible woman. And we were like... I was having such...

yeah, but this, yeah. For everything that she threw me, I'd go, yeah, but then, and she's like, Mike, I don't know what to tell you. Yeah. So, so I went to this, this doctor and I, and I wrote, I said, all I want to do is feel okay. That was the last I go. I just, I need to feel okay. Like baseline. Yeah. Like you, when you wake up, you don't want to go back to bed or die. Exactly. That would be sick. And I'm, I'm begging everybody in my family just to like, like my, like my wife, my sisters, my son. And I'm just like, guys, just,

don't, I don't want to bring you down. You know what I mean? Yeah. So the therapist looks through my, you know, thing. She goes halfway through the first page. She's like, well, you clearly have like a lot of PTSD. You've got a lot of trauma in your life. You've got like, you know, all this guilt and all that. The fact that you took out all the time to write all this down is like, you're scared to forget something and you want to make sure that I see, I see all of it. And, and

And she's like, have you ever done ketamine for depression or anything? And I'm like, I did it off like a Frisbee at Bonnaroo once, you know, whatever. That was her first – that's where she went first? Well, I also brought a list of – she says I have treatment-resistant depression because I had like –

I brought like a – I always thought that just meant really depressed. Yeah, it just means mine is tougher than yours. You're super-duper depressed. My depression works. I have diet depression. So I gave her a list of the medications I've tried. Yeah. And she's like, none of these worked. And I'm like, they made me mad. They made me like – I tried everything, all the pills except Zoloft, which I kind of love. But anyway, she goes, let's try –

um, ketamine and I'm going to recommend you to a cognitive behavioral therapist. And man, right away. Like, so I go to back home, talk to my wife who's in medicine. So like, I'm like, are you okay with this? And she's like a hundred percent.

And we go through the room where it's like the ketamine center is a bunch of recliners that are like little pods. And you go into this first room and you get your pulse checked, your blood pressure. You get the IV port put in. And then you go in your room. They connect the ketamine and you sit back. It's off to the races, baby. And it is just like bags of weight get cut. And you all of a sudden feel light.

And it's just like you drift off to – it's like a 90-minute – two hours. But like the first 45 minutes to an hour, you're in a deep like lucid psychedelic space where you're just kind of like you're off. And –

Everything feels – it's like I would approach my fears and not have the fight or flight thing. So you just kind of have to – I remember one where I was like approaching a wall in my trance or my dream or whatever and I'm just like I'm going to crash into this wall and die. But I can't stop because I'm in a dream state. So I crash right into the wall and go right through it. Nice. And then I look back and I'm like I didn't die. Yeah. And it's almost like that rewrote the –

It rewrites your brain waves. It's completely – yeah, one of the – the neuroplasticity of the brain and your ability for the left and right hemisphere to communicate. And you don't realize how much that helps with depression and anxiety because when your hemispheres can communicate effectively, you can talk back to the fear and it works. But if they can't communicate and you convince yourself you're going to die or this person hates you or whatever the fuck it is –

then you're right. And it's like, whew, there's no leeway. It's nuts. And it's like you kind of come back, like your molecules come back to your form, right? And then right from there, I would go directly into cognitive behavioral therapy. Oh, wow. That's amazing. Oh, I need a center like that. Where like my inhibitions are down, my wall, and I'm still kind of open. You know what I mean? So I was able to get like

right in. And this woman was like, I mean, I credit these two women for saving my life, like these two doctors and the cognitive behavioral therapist, like you get homework, like you get like a workbook that's like, what is your belief or whatever? And it's like, everyone hates me on a scale of one to a hundred. What evidence do you have that that's true? And they have to kind of rank it. And it's like, if everybody hates you,

Are you going to die? Like, is anyone going to die? Like is, you know, so if it's actually true, what's going to happen, you know? And it made me realize that like all of these things that I was making this big were really just like this big and, and, and focusing on them was just making them look bigger. So you do exposure therapy, you do like all of this different, how'd you do exposure therapy in your, Oh, well, I talked to people that I, I realized with a lot of the people in my, uh,

I would create like this inflated version of people that I was mad at or pissed at or afraid of. In my head, they were monsters, right? But when you talk to them, it's just another person. And I'm probably better at talking than they are. So I was like –

Part of the exposure therapy was calling some of these people that like I didn't want to talk to and I did. And I was like, oh, they're nothing. They're fucking clowns. Or see someone and be like – Fucking clowns. Like looking underneath the bed and being like there's no monsters. You know what I mean? And I like would put myself into – I mean it. I didn't want to leave the house. So like –

My wife and I would go out places and I wouldn't wear sunglasses or whatever. Like I just like silly things that – Yeah. You were a little more – you allowed yourself to be a little more vulnerable in the world. And then a little more and a little more and a little more. And then I incorporated a small dose of Zoloft for –

Because I don't have the like touch the doorknob 10 times thing, but I have the compulsive thinking where it's like I just get like wrapped in a thought. I would set up at the worst case scenario and I just believed that that's where the world was operating from. You know what I mean? So my perception was just fucked. Like my view of everything was fucked.

I'm wrong. Everyone's mad. And it's, I'm just waiting for like the ball, like the other shoe to drop or whatever. I don't know. Well, cause if you're always in fight or flight, that's your comfort zone, which is a terrible comfort zone to be in obviously. But then, so you create, it's like you subconsciously create thoughts in your head or circumstances to keep you in fight or flight. And you know what it was? It was like, I was holding onto this like thing of like, and it wasn't an ego thing where I'm right. Um,

But I just had this like idea of – and I think it was the world at the time and just like this feeling of what the – like what's going on on the planet and everything. And I just had this idea of like righteousness. Interesting. Like I had this thing of like where –

we're all better than this. And like, what the hell are we? And like, I was just constantly feeling this like dread and disappointment from like humanity. Like it got to that level. I think of that all the time. Yeah, I know. I know. And it's just like, and I don't think you can, you're not wrong. That's the problem with some, sometimes when people are explaining their depression, I go, well, yeah,

Yes, I guess it's a medical issue in that it's affecting your ability to live your own life. But like the fears and the depression that you have are about a thing that is real. Right. No, totally. And all these things that had happened that I was kind of like either a part of the circumstance or collateral damage or someone decides to not have a child or like –

I didn't like – I did a massive – a pretty big mushroom dose. I may have told you about this. I did a – Hero dose? Did you? Yeah. It was like about four grams of mushrooms with a – Was this in a therapeutic setting? It was with a – yes. It was – Oh, I want to do that. So it was just myself and this prior to the ketamine. OK? So this is –

as like about six months before I started doing the ketamine. And, uh, I, I met with this amazing woman and, uh, and also the little side note, everybody that has helped me has been a woman. Like I, I, I can't, I've had a lot of like, she even said, she goes, maybe we can do like a group session where there's like a couple of like different, like, like a male therapist and me and what, and I'm like,

Not yet. Yeah. And I don't even know what it is, but it's just, I feel this women are nurturing and pressure of some, like, I don't know. Like, it's weird. I don't want to feel off, like not fully like there or whatever. And I don't, I don't know. But, um,

So we do this whole thing. We like do my Enneagram numbers and all these amazing things. And like we're talking and we get to know each other. And she's got this amazing studio, made me like a big – You're going to have to give me her info. I will, absolutely. A big like beanbag bed in the corner near like a window near a river and there's sun coming through. And I eat the chocolates and I start to feel it and I go over and I lay down and –

immediate bliss, like the most perfect mushroom trip. I'm watching the sun. That's a good strain. Yeah. It was golden teacher was the name golden teacher. Fantastic. Last time I just rooms, I just yelled at my good person or a bad person for eight hours. Wow. That's great. So this was like, this is a good trip. The plant in the window was like collecting energy from the sun and like blasting it out into the room. And I'm just like watching it. And each little song was like a vignette, like a little short story. And at one point,

I went to this like suspended animation, all dark and it's me and a blue light like shoots by me and sets up and it's the kid I didn't have. And it goes, it goes like, I've been here all along. Like you're, I'm not mad at you. It's not your fault. Everything's cool. But I had to stay on this side and,

It's all good. Let it go. And it was this really kind of like, holy shit moment. It's like a near-death experience moment that people describe. Yeah. Wow. And I kind of had a thing where I was just like – I sat up I guess and I was just like staring up and I was just like streaming tears, whatever. And she –

After that, I kind of like popped out of the mushrooms and she's like, you're done already. She's like, you took like, you should still be like, yeah. And I'm like, I don't know what the hell just happened, but like, I think I got what I needed to get done, done. And she's like, well, do you want to talk? And I was definitely still tripping, but it was such a,

powerful thing that happened that I just kind of like feel, felt like I need to like come back and sort of talk it out or, but I'll tell you something. It was, I, I knew that bothered me, but I didn't realize how much it bothered me. And then to have that moment of being able to like, let it go was, uh, pretty incredible. And, uh, I was okay with like not having kids and not being a dad and whatever. And that whole thing. So that, uh,

of like that's the shit that I was kind of like what a lot of people don't realize with this type of like work and I think it's why people give up or why people don't try to fix themselves when you start doing the work like it takes a very long time and it gets worse before it gets better oh and that's the shit that's like I started to just have like

I mean, to wake up in the morning and little by little not feel bad. And then one day you're just like, you wake up and it's like, what the fuck? The sky's blue. Yeah, exactly. And it's like, I was like,

I swear to God, like my dog knew or like my wife knew, like things in my life. Because your energy was totally different. Yeah. I think we romanticize this, this, um, sense of self care and doing the work and they're like a chunk of the population romanticizes it, but it's ugly. It's fucking vicious. It kind of should be because you're revisiting these ugly moments in your life that were scary and terrifying and you have to allow yourself to go,

Oh, and like your current self meets your younger self and they mesh and they hold each other. And it 100% gave me the ability to forgive myself.

It made me look at everyone from a more like empathetic accepting standpoint, my family, my ex, my friends, my, myself. Cause we're all people. And I'm just like, we're all dented cans. Like it came to, that's where I just was like, we're dented and we all have a tear in our label or we're, you know, people think we're shit or we think we're shit, but the stuff on the inside is good. And,

I just had this whole kind of like it all categorized itself. And I kind of look at – I ended up doing ketamine probably with a doctor once.

Probably like 60 times, 50 or 60 times. And you did the intravenous? IV. And I went twice a week for the first five weeks. Yeah. Monday and Thursday for the first five weeks. It was an intense like, and you have to take these like GAD seven tests, general anxiety disorder test where you go like, it's like a bubble test where it's like the questions are like, the world's better off without me.

strongly agree to like strongly disagree. And then you get a score and that would determine your dosage and all that. And,

So I did that for – yeah, the first five weeks, twice a week. It's also getting used to checking in with yourself and interrogating your thoughts. There were times when I was doing it where I was like I'm OK to die right now. Like literally – In a sad way or in a calm way? In a calm way. In like a peaceful – like an acceptance of like none of this shit matters. Right. And it's – you know –

Ken Kesey, who is the guy who took acid way back, like the whatever, he always said, like, none of this comes for free. Like when you do psychedelics or when you do when you drink, when you smoke, when you do nothing comes for free. So, like, I think you have to pay a price with the benefit of this stuff, because like I had I forgot a lot of the bad stuff.

But I think I also forgot a lot of the good stuff. I think that like some memory kind of like got a little bit. See, that's what I was from doing all that ketamine. I was worried that it would also like a lot restructure my thinking, but in ways that I didn't want it to.

Well, the mushrooms, I will say – I mean I've done a lot of massive doses of like – I love psychedelics. But I mean I definitely had a couple bad trips where it was like what you were talking about where like the tail of it lasted like a couple months. Like I almost think that it made me worse. Oh, shit.

a bit going into like the, it didn't help. Like that one, that one great one was phenomenal. Right. And I came out with like a notebook full of like all this amazing shit that I was thinking about and like love and fear are like the only real things. And if you're looking at one, you can't see the other. And it was just like, Oh shit. Life equations were happening. And then the next one,

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw those like Chinese parade dragons coming at you. And I like every time I closed my eyes for like weeks after I would see him and I was like, OK, so you get a little you pay a price one way or the other. Yeah. Well, yeah, that's good because I feel like, too, I'm certainly guilty of like putting psychedelics on a pedestal, even in a therapeutic setting. And it's like there are consequences. There are consequences. Absolutely. You've obviously experienced those so many. I mean, your wife got you back.

and you got yourself back. Yeah. Yeah. And I definitely feel better than ever and I don't feel ashamed to talk about this shit. And I think that like, I look, look, I forgive everyone that like, you know, I don't know. My folks grew up

Well, I was growing up. Yeah. Your mom had you when she was 18. They weren't vicious. Right, right. They didn't try to fuck you. They weren't shitty people. They just were doing their best, I get. Like, you know, whatever. And if it's not what I, you know, whatever. I don't know. It's not what you needed, but it gave you – now it's a part of who you are, which is pretty great. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. I was just talking to my friend Donna on text today and we're like –

Yeah, our parents like fucked us up. But now it's so exciting to be able to see that as a gift and like really mean it. You know, it's like I know I should see this as a gift. I shouldn't be a victim. And yes, yes, that's true. But like I don't feel that way. So like hurry up. Right. But when you could finally feel that way, it's like, oh, wow, this is what it feels like to just be human and operate from a place of love and not fear. That's it. And the thing is, is like whose parents didn't fuck up? Yeah. Yeah.

If your parents never once – I mean, no. I mean, like on a large scale. That's why I don't want to just sit here and be like, yeah, like I can't agree with that. But I'm like, yes, mine is not the norm. So I was like, don't worry. I went through lots of bad stuff but in my 20s of my own doing. But like overall, yeah, like I would say like probably have – yeah, I can't say anything negative about my upbringing. Would you say that like – did you have friends that –

were more in our camp that your family almost kind of became like the surrogate. You know what I mean? No, see, this is why it's been so interesting becoming a comic. I didn't, my closest friends also, like I, there was one friend, I don't want, I almost said her, I said her name. I shouldn't say her name. There was one friend who had a very, um, I'll just call it dysfunctional, uh, childhood, you know, who I was always like worried about her. But then my other core friends were fine. Uh,

You know, and that's why there was also a lot of children of immigrants. So who like first generation, like their parents didn't speak English. I had several friends whose parents didn't even speak English. So I think it was also just like a different culture coming in where they're like, we don't even have time to think about. We don't have time to to like fuck up our kids. We're we just moved here and we're trying to figure out a new country. So, yeah, I wasn't I was under the.

impression till i don't know 10 years ago maybe that like having a bad childhood was like a very rare thing that you saw in the movies and then i'm like oh no most people seemingly had a bad childhood or a dysfunctional childhood and you know it's weird i think and it's probably completely like i bet anybody 100 of people you know you're except you accept the reality you're handed sure so when you're in it and you're like everybody has this right everybody's

This is what mommies do.

And all my friends have kids and I talk to them and they're, they ask me, they're like, I got down at like my son's level and he was talking to me about something. And I'm like, I don't know the answer, but let's go figure it out. And I'm like, he's like, am I being a good dad? And I'm like, bro, dude, the fact that you're talking about what you did is

And thinking about if you're a good dad, you're a good dad. The fact that you give a shit. Yeah, and the way technology has absolutely exploded since the 90s, right? In a similar way, parenting has evolved so much. And that's why I can look back at my...

you know, my parents and how they grew up and have so much compassion for like, that wasn't fucking easy. No, no. And they turned out, they could have turned out way worse. And everybody's going through their shit. And it's like, that's the part that like, I think I appreciate the most about what I did is that it gave me, so when I would be on ketamine, like in every session, um,

It's almost like there's this big balloon and that is the thing I'm pissed about or the thing I'm ruminating on or focused on or the thing I can't get over. And as I would go through the session or the treatment, it's like the balloon would deflate.

Yeah, right. To the point that it was completely deflated and I'm like – There's no pressure now. There's no – that thing doesn't matter. Which is the best because like you – when you were gripping on so tightly to she did this to me or whatever the fuck it is. Yes. The fact that it can even go from like 100,000 like it matters so much to absolutely – it's fine. Who gives a shit? Nothing matters. It's crazy. And literally like I've had conversations with people that don't understand my flavor of depression or anxiety and I go –

All I want is to feel like nothing matters. And they go, oh my God, what are you like? What are you, a nihilist or whatever? And I'm like, no, I just, everything matters too much. Like I feel like I'm carrying every weight. We're clinging to everything. It's like empathy to a fault where it's just like, I don't know how to not. That's controlling too. It's very controlling. It's something you can't control. And it's fucking exhausting. And it's just this thing of like, I can't feel like this all the time because

Because no one's getting any of me. I would be talking to my wife and she'd be – I'd be looking her right in the eyes and I'm hearing what she's saying. But I'm not hearing shit and I'm just like, I'm so sorry. I can't even like – You can't use your comprehension skills. It's like the depression commercials where it's like you just see the mouth moving and it gets blurry and fuzzy. It's so sad. It's terrifying. So it's interesting. So you had a partner throughout this because when I had my mental breakdown, I didn't – I wasn't with anybody romantically and so –

that, that there's pros and cons to that. Cause you're like, I'm alone. No one cares. I just, just shut the fuck up and die. Um, but your wife sounds like a G the way she handled this. She was, and that couldn't have been easy for her. No. And also she's like, you know, and that was the guilt thing of kind of like, man, I can go back and like, it almost like gives me like a, it makes me feel sick when I think about it. But it's like when I was really going through it again, we're, we're in lockdown. Yeah. It's not like I could go to the gym or whatever, like, like I'm just stuck.

And I would be thinking and thinking and writing stuff down and whatever. And she'd get home from watching people die. And I would hit her with like, so I was thinking about that. Like, maybe I should go to this place or maybe I should try this medicine. And she's just like, okay, I need to meet this woman. She's just like, calm down, whatever. And then I'm like, I finally like one day she came home and I'm just like, I, I need us to split. Like we have to split up. Cause I can't put you through this anymore. Like I'm going to go.

get better and check into it. And she's like, would you shut the fuck? Like, I'm not going anywhere. Like, what's wrong with you? You're going to be okay. She didn't seem worried that you weren't going to make it through this, which is really, I find to be very inspiring. I felt like I was going to shatter into a million pieces. I felt literally like if she didn't try to fix it for you or like she wasn't coddling you. I remember when I did your podcast and you were telling me in more detail how she handled you during this time. I'm like,

That is a great way to handle a spouse going through a depressive bout because –

It's tough. I mean, a lot, we get emails from a lot of listeners that are like my, my, my partner, my wife, my husband, like won't. And it's always like, well, are they willing to take care of them? So are they willing to show initiative to try to fucking get better? That is, that is the only question to ask yourself of whether you should stay or go. Right. Really? Yeah. And it was just the thing of like, I didn't want to do like you were saying how it's like a double edged butter knife almost where it's like you are alone. Yeah. And you're like, no one cares about me, but.

But you're also like – You can freak out. No one's getting weird. I can just wither away and no one cares. Yes, there's some comfort in that. You don't have to watch me freak out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's a bummer but it's also great because you – Yes. Because I felt – if I saw her, I'm like her day is shit. Yeah. I should be making it better when she gets home. Like I want her to be wanting to come home so we could be happy together. But instead, I'm sitting there like, can I talk to you about how I thought I was going to die 500 times today and whatever? And she's just like, yeah, no.

And I like, and I, but I'm automatically feeling like I'm putting this on her and she doesn't need that. And,

It was horrible. Yeah. It was just a constant like, you know, chess match with myself of like, don't be a burden on anybody, but also don't try to go through this yourself. Cause I've tried that and I know that doesn't work. Right. But I'm lucky that I had, you know, these two amazing women that were doctors, my wife, my sister was there to help my brother, like, you know, and I just kept up at arm's length, the people that I needed to keep at arm's length until I was able to kind of like, did you almost kill yourself? Did you get to that point?

There were a couple times when I was driving home and I was thinking about like, do I just –

Is it just the wheels? I mean, I don't think... We are twins in that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doesn't everyone think that sometimes? Like, this is the subway thing. You're standing there and you go, I can just jump right now. But that's a casual. Like, if I'm standing on a roof, I'm like, I can just fucking jump right now. But there's no emotion behind it. I think, like, the closest I got was in my car and just driving 100 miles an hour into a wall. You know, you're not going to hurt anybody if it's a factor, whatever the fuck. But there's, like...

but accompanying that thought, it's heavy. Like, yeah, it's so heavy of like the voices in your head just kind of attack you like, yeah, fucking do it. I'm very happy that I had like, you know, my nephew, my other, my nephews, my niece, my,

members would kind of pop in my head and I'd be like, I don't want to do that to them. Like, I want to get to know them more as they age and I want to be here for them. Did you ever have a plan though? Like a, like, you know, cause that's like what they'll ask you when you, when you, when you do an intake, like, do you have a plan for, for suicide? I,

I would say that when I was in Denver and I was going through my like heavy duty, like partying and getting over the breakup kind of thing, I had an apartment on the 11th floor and I was on like tons of drugs all the time. And I was just kind of like,

I could always just do a little like, whoops, you know, and whatever. Never wrote anything down, never. But I felt so – I would say I almost felt too exhausted to do it. If that makes sense. I don't know if anybody that ever went through it maybe would understand. Yes, it does. That's why when you're in the car and you have that thought – like I've only really had that thought in a car one time in my life and that was the most serious I ever got about it. But it's like – It's sobering, huh? Yeah, it is. It's like Jesus Christ. When you scare yourself –

It was like an icy night. I remember I was driving back from the city doing spots and I'm like, I could just...

You know, like there's an 18 wheeler coming. I could, you know, like whatever, but I never like it got to, that's when I'm like, I need help. I need to go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So stuff like that, you ruin someone else's life too, because the 18 wheeler is a person. Yeah. Yeah. It's not just a tree. Yeah. Yeah. A tree. Go, go, go, go off. We can always plant another one. Yeah. Yeah. So then I think coming out of it and I started to feel better was this kind of like,

shitty honeymoon phase where I felt like I had to only talk about this. Oh yeah. I've been there. It's terrible. It's like born again, happiness guy where it's like very born again. Christian. They're like, did you, do you want to hear about the Lord? Yeah. Like anybody want to talk about mental health? Like, you know, like it was like, I almost have like, you want to share it with other people. It's the same as like when you stop drinking alcohol or you, you know, go vegetarian. I understand why vegans talk so much about it. I just don't want to hear it. Yeah, exactly. A lot of people. There's also a part of you that's like, I never thought I could feel it.

Exactly. And I also kind of felt this thing that it's like need where like, if anybody else is feeling like this and they feel alone and God forbid they did ever do something, it would kill me to not be able to like, you know, I want to make sure I help them.

Thank God that ended. And now I can talk about just other shit. I felt like on stage. Comics can't be doing that. Oh my God. On stage, it was like the only thing I was like, I had this, I had this realization and I've been trying to figure out how to use it in a bit. But one time I was coming off ketamine and I was looking at my hand and

And when you're coming back, you kind of get feeling in your whatever. And I was looking at my hand and I realized that you can't make peace without the middle finger. And peace is fuck you, I'm number one. So the way to make peace in your life... Because my whole life has been...

I'm like letting everybody down. But if I can go, fuck you, I'm number one. That's peace. And I'm literally like in the chair. I should I've ever heard in the chair. And I'm like, dude, the Dalai Lama can give me a pain. And I got it. I came down and I got home and I'm like,

This is it. This is like literally a page has turned in my consciousness. And I told my buddy and he was like, I don't think you should tell anybody. That's weird shit. That's a just you. No, that's funny. No, I know. It's great, but it's just this thing of experience, your brain working, working,

for the first time. It's like, it's like their whole life you've had two legs and they both function, but you've only ever used one. And then all of a sudden you use both of them and you're like, wait, I can like run and shit. You guys know you could run? Everyone's like, yeah, we've been running this whole time. And I'm not blissfully ignorant or some monk or some shit now. I'm just base level okay. Which is great, yeah. I flip out. And that's huge. I get pissed. I apologize. I cry. I,

You're still human.

I get a little beep, beep, beep and like come back to the middle and just like stay. And there's no shame with it. I'm cool with it. Yeah. I know I'm dented. I've got to deal with that and it's okay. And I just need to like not drift and just make sure that when I'm starting to feel a bit in a funk or let down or left out or whatever those little kid things just

Just slide back to my lane and be like, you're all right, dude. You're 45 years old. You've accomplished a ton of shit. Everything's going to be okay. You've evolved greatly. And we're going to die. Yeah. And none of this shit matters. Which is relaxing. Yeah. I can't wait. So why not have the best time? I mean, yeah. I could wait, but you know. Yeah, yeah. But also like why not have the best time and like live your life and be present for the people you love and like appreciate your friends and lift them up and fucking wear the weird outfit or whatever the fuck it is. That's right. And just forgive and let people – everyone's messed up.

And everybody hurts people. So yeah, it's weird. Beautiful. So happy to hear you didn't have any of this. Yeah. Well, I think people, people hear that and they're like, Oh, your life is great. I'm like, no, lots of bad stuff happened. It just was not connected to my childhood. It's just nice to have like a foundation of like, I just wonder what it would have been like to have like a,

People have my back. Yeah, yeah. I never felt like I had that. I will also say I think part of it just – because we're talking about how people can grow up in the same house with the same parents in the same city and have a much different experience. So if you were to interview my brother right now, he would have a very different take on the childhood. That being said, so I do think some of it is just like who I am as a person, right? I'm just like very unbothered by –

a lot of things that other people are doing. And I don't mean like, I'm very bothered by like bad things people are doing in the world. But as far as like not giving me enough, like that's not really, I don't really feel that.

Amazing. What the hell is that? And like if I – the only time I do is like I mean I do like definitely feel like men don't give enough in relationships. My one now, yes, but like previously. But then so I just don't – but I'm like, OK, well, I just don't date them. Yeah, you don't take anything personally. But I think part of it is because like I'm looking for so much because I was given so much. So I'm like I'm not going to – little morsels from some boyfriend is really not going to cut it for me. Yeah.

I think if I could go back and like kind of tell younger me something, it would have been just calm down and be patient. No one ever – No one ever let me know like take your time. What were you being impatient about though? I thought constantly that we were going to have to move again. I thought the bottom was going to fall out. Oh, that's such an anxiety. But I also felt like this thing of like –

I need to be everything to everyone and I need to be responsible. I got to fix it. I got to figure it out. Sure. The money is going to like stop coming in. Like you look at the calendar. That's why comedy is this weird methadone for me where it's like I always need to be worried about the calendar. I always need to be worried about the bookings, about the – but it's OK because that's the minutia of the thing I love to do. So at least it gives that –

guy in my head, things for what they are a little clerical job instead of like a catastrophic, the sky is falling. That's fine. You should. I mean like, yeah, I'm always prepared for everything to go away as far as like, you know, financially, especially in a business like this. Yeah. I probably ruined a ton of careers and a ton of friends because I was

putting all of this pressure and emphasis and rush rush like on it I'm so glad I didn't marry that girl yeah I'm so glad we didn't have a kid yeah but at the time it was like how did I fuck this up you know what I mean and it was just all that because I put all of the

Everything happened because of me. It was like this weird dumb narcissistic kid thing. Yeah, sure. Well, and it's like you – now the beauty of getting older is you can look back at your younger years with a zoomed-out lens and go, oh my god, I saw how hard I clung to that. But then I very clearly see how that didn't even matter and I worked for nothing. But then I think with like what I've done, ketamine therapy, and actually because of you, you recommended –

Drip Gym, which is like a place where you get like Botox and vitamins for when you're hungover. But they also do ketamine. So that was the first time I ever done it and it was intravenous. Yes. I'm glad you tried it. You love it? Yeah, I did it three times. It was expensive so I'm like I can't keep doing this. But I got the tablets now and I do them every so often. But it like –

It allows me to now view situations that are going down in a zoomed out way. And I'm like, thank God I don't have to fucking wait 10 years to go. You were so worried. I could just not be worried about it and go, how do we tackle this challenge? Life's not going to stop fucking with you. People aren't going to stop fucking with you. It's all how you handle it. And now you can like handle it. Yeah. It's so exciting. It's like, it doesn't matter has like become a, like a mantra to me now.

Because my whole life, everything mattered so much. Yeah, yeah. Like, you know that thing? Like, I just have like a post-game show in my head. Like, after any social interaction. Playing it back. I walk back and go like, all right, let's go to the videotape and see how you screwed this up. You know what I mean? Yeah, fuck that shit. Like, from being a little kid, like, wow, my uncles hate me. Why? And it's like, they don't hate me. Yeah. They've got lives to live. They were just stressed out and I thought it was me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But at the time, it's just like. They're just adults and kids, aren't they?

interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Kids are boring. You want an uncle less interesting. That's the key to a good life. Yes. Yes. Disinterested uncles. Um, which I am now. That's great. Um, I agree. So I have one more question. Just one question. Cause you, you mentioned, uh, you know, like children a lot in this episode, but you don't have children. It was a, a, a decision you made like on purpose is a decision that biology made for you. Like what, uh,

How did that come up? Biology has fought that a lot. Oh, yeah. You've got super swimmers. We get it. You should. Well, just because I would – yeah, because especially that it came up in this medicine that you're doing. Like it seems to be this theme in your life, but then ultimately you decided on no. Well –

I think, first of all, that I would have loved to have had kids and been a dad, and I think I would have been okay at it.

Um, but I also think that you, uh, I had this like preconceived notion as a kid that like you get married, you have kids. Right. So not having one felt like a failure for a little while, you know what I mean? But then I kind of like had to realistically look at like myself, my anxieties, my, um,

career choice my the world yeah okay like and I and I'm not delirious like delusional to think like you can have a kid that shoots up a school not get shot at a school yeah you know what I mean you can have an asshole child or whatever I had this whole thing of like how would I deal with that even and like

All that stuff. And it's like I thought so, so much about it. And I feel like having a child is a thing that you need to 1,000% be like, this is what I want to do. And I need to be a parent. They should be parents. I don't have that. That's almost no one I've ever met. I know. Which is why the world is very fucked up. Exactly. And that's why there's way too many people. One is also...

I know that that's like a fight I've been having with people. They're like, the population's going down. I go, yeah, we don't, that's a good thing. We seemingly don't have enough for the people that we have. So why, why are Michigan governments do freak out about it? But yeah, no, because, uh, and like, and just doing this show every week, I'm like everyone, basically no one has a good review for their parents. It,

Except for me. And so I go, why the fuck would I want to sign up for a job when this is the review I'm going to get? 99.9% chance I'm going to get a terrible review. Not interested. I give a lot of fathers and mothers that travel a lot of credit. Sure. But I don't think...

I get I feel guilty when I leave my dog me too I'm like Jesus like you know and I like grab her by the face yeah I'm coming back I promise you know and I'm like tell me with your words that you know that I so I just don't think I can be a

a road comic, uh, not home when kids get home and so on. Like I want to be like fully invested and my wife doesn't want kids. So it's like, yeah. So that was kind of like a, while we were dating, that was like, she never wanted kids. And I, I mean, we're, we're aunts and uncles and we travel and we have a life together and we've loved dogs and we, whatever. I just don't, it's okay to not

be a, I think that thing I had with, I think that thing I had on mushrooms when it was like that metaphorical visit. Yeah. I think that was like my conversation with myself going like,

It's okay to not be a dad. Like it's going to be, you're going to, you're not released from that guilt. You're going to be a better person to the kids around you. Yeah. Like my nephews and I, like we have great relationship. My niece, I'm a, I'm a godfather to a couple of kids. Like, so I try to be, I try to be like there for them, but not, you know, it's like, I'll Venmo your money if you need it, whatever, you know, and that shit. So I just think that it's, it's definitely been like a, uh,

most of my life. Like I kind of thought about it. We genuinely as humans, I think what want to be of service to the world. Right. But, and so having a kid is a very easy, direct way to be of service. Yeah. But there are other ways to be of service. Yeah, totally. And also I've, I've been thinking about like vasectomy, like I've been thinking about like getting that done. Right. And I have this kind of like, what,

What if, you know, like you change your mind? And I'm like, nah, I'm never going to change my mind. Like at this point, I don't want to have a... So what if you get divorced and find a young lady? I have a buddy that got it reversed. Yeah, but I'm like, is your wife the same age as you? Because I'm like, then we're getting pretty close to not being able to. Yeah, no, totally. She's 50. The only way I'm having a kid is if I adopt a teenager that will help me with my socials.

That's it. And that's the reason to have a child. Adopt a teen. There are these ads around New York. They need to be adopted so badly. I would love to adopt an older kid. Not at this point in my life, but later. How old? Fucking however old. 14, 15, 16. Dumb ass.

Because I have the tool. When you go through hell and back and in your own mind and you're like, okay, I thought this was this huge thing and it's not. Now I see the world for like what it is. I know nothing matters. I know we're just here to love each other. And I know that some people are difficult because they're having internal battles. That's how it works. That's it. So like I would love to adopt a kid with like special needs. Ah.

Oh my God. I would fucking love that. But like, or, or just a teen, it just anybody, any, a kid, um, that just feels, yeah. I just think I need to make sure I have all of my eyes dotted and all of my T's crossed financially. So I could just go like anything that this person needs, uh,

They're taken care of. I don't want to bring someone in and have them go through me freaking out about people. Can't get your formula this year, buddy. You know what I mean? Yeah. So it's kind of like whatever. But it's – yeah. I'm happy with everything at the moment. Good. Do you think you're – I like the at the moment. Yeah. Well, I'm realistic about it. Do you want to – are you – No, I don't think so. No? No. No.

Do you think about it often or not? Well, I've thought about – well, I've just thought about it to make – I mean I have to because I'm 39 years old just to make sure that I didn't want to have kids. And I think I've thought about it more than most people who actually have kids. But yeah, I just don't think it's my –

Path. I never – even when I was a little kid, I used to want to adopt kids and now I think just no kids. Yeah. You know what I wonder about is guys that are on this experiential side of an abortion like I was where it's kind of like I can't be the only one. Oh, no. Sure. Yeah. I don't talk to anybody about it. There's not a thing. So I always wonder about that, like if there's other –

got like how they deal with that yeah and it's like is there kill is there this is there that you know what i mean and it's but i don't know it's just an interesting like kind of thought process of like and she you know i'm happy that like you know she went on to have kids and i'll you know i hope everything's great but it's just this weird thing of like not everybody's gonna have like a profound psychedelic experience where you're able to like figure it out you know what i mean and so i just hope everybody that

does kill that stuff. Have an alleviation of the guilt. Yeah, for sure. Guilt is such a waste of time. Yeah. Yeah. It can be beneficial in terms of like keeping you on a good moral track, but like anything beyond that is too much. Yeah. It's shame really. Shame is a bitch. Shame makes you an, shame can make you an asshole. Shame can make you kill yourself. Shame can make you vote for a political party that, you know, doesn't great. Um, Mike, this was great conversation. Thanks for coming. I appreciate it. Where can we find more of you? What would you like to promote? Oh,

At Mike Fanoia, M-I-K-E-F-I-N-O-I-A. Please hit follow. So I'll keep getting booked on comedy clubs. It's all in numbers games, baby. At Are We Old? Are We Old podcast. Charles McBee, another hilarious comedian, and I co-host a podcast where we get nostalgic and answer the question, are we old? And all my tour dates are at punchup.live slash Mike Fanoia. And I got a ton of dates coming up. Nice. How old is Charles McBee?

I thought he was younger than me. No, he's older than you. Oh, interesting. Really? Okay. It's not my place to tell you his age. A man never reveals his age. Wait, you do a podcast called Are We Old and you don't reveal your age? Oh, I'm 45. He's 42. I was just saying, I was like, you better reveal your age. My attempt at a shitty joke. I was like,

You better be revealing your ages. Yeah, we're old. We're old. That's so funny. It's fun though. It's a blast. We're just geeking out. Right now we're all in escapism mode, right? So it's like, hey, remember Goonies? That's the podcast. Do I ever. So it's a blast. But thank you guys so much. Awesome. I really appreciate it. Thanks for coming on. This has been Guys We Fuck, the anti-slut-shaming podcast. We will talk to you next Friday.

Guys We Fucked is presented by Luminary, created and hosted by Corinne Fisher and Christina Hutchinson. Editing and music coordination by Eric Freddie. Theme song by Rob Patterson and Jake Kozen.

I'm so tired of your lines Cause I know you'll blow it Act like we're doing fine It's the same old bullshit Another night that we've wasted Having the same conversations Same promises you break Same mistakes I've made Getting lost in the dark Let it go too far My heart's still beating strong My heart's still beating for you

Miss me, hold me, hate me, love me I still come back to you Even though you think you're above me I still come back I wish you and I had control No matter what I do I still come back to you Somebody told me once Look before you jump And I swore I wouldn't rush Right into the wrong love The harder you fall And with you it doesn't matter anymore

I should have listened. I should have listened. Getting lost in the dark. Let it go too far. My heart's still beating strong. My heart's still beating for you. You love me, hold me, hate me, and love me. I still come back to you. I think you're a pain. I still come back. I wish you'd let me go. I wish I had control. No matter what.

We'll be right back.

I go too far. Too far. I hurt my own heart. Miss me holding love. I still come back to you. Now you think you're a pain. I still come back. I wish you'd know. I wish I had control. I do. I still come back to you.