Best of 2024: Part 2
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Welcome back to the Best Ofs. We've been expecting you for some time. It's part two of our Best of 2024 episodes. Ed, how would you describe this episode? In your words, not Benito's. Well...

Yeah, jam-packed. Jams in italics. As I'm thinking of it now. And this time, let's start off with a nice refreshing glass of H2O. Let's hear from Ella Purnell, Nisha Katona, Sirshamonica Jackson, Rachel Stephens, Finn Wolfhard, Carrie Brownstein, Patty Harrison and Nabeel Abdul-Rashid.

First of all, we always start with still of sparkling water. Still. I have a theory. So sparkling water, we need to call it something else because it doesn't taste anything like water. Sparkling water should taste like, it should taste neutral, just fizzy. And sparkling water doesn't taste neutral. It tastes bitter and sour and like something else. It's like a unflavored...

I know I've just described sparkling water. It's sour. I hate it. I really don't like it. Yeah, yeah. And it really bothers me that it's called sparkling water. It should be called something else. It should have its own name. We should come up with a name now, then. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So for the listeners, it's now 919. Why are you doing time checks like we're on live radio? We've got to come up with a name for sparkling water. I want people to know what pressure we're under.

Ella was like spouting philosophy earlier. No, I really was. I came in so hot. I think you're going to be okay. All my best ideas. But Ed and I aren't fine on all cylinders. We've got to come up with a new name for sparkling water at 9.19 in the morning. It should sound how it feels. So sour is a word you've used a few times. Yeah, it's bitter. Yeah. Bitter, sour bubbles. People can't see me, but I just made it. Yeah. I mean, that would be, I don't know if I could pronounce that.

Yeah, how do you spell that? Yeah, yeah. Every time, do you want still or... Yeah, less people would be asking for that. Yeah. It's also slightly off-putting. If the waiter offered me that, I'd look at him and say, no, thank you. Yeah, it would remind you of like, oh, that's how it's going to feel, actually. I'd rather just have the still water. Yeah. And still or tap? Oh, tap. If you go into places, are you a tap person? I don't really...

about all the difference it feels like they're trying to rip you off as well it does they say still a sparkling water you know there's a third option you know but no one's saying why do they ever tell you yeah they should say still sparkling or they shouldn't assume that you know that they have a tap yeah they may not have a tap that's true i wouldn't go to a restaurant that didn't have a tap that would be a real suspicious thing you wouldn't know you wouldn't know how do you know yeah okay well i go in and go first of all do you have a tap and then i'll eat your food if you got a tap

Hi, can I see a menu? And also, do you have a tap? Can I see a menu and your tap? Take me back there and show me you've got a tap, otherwise it's weird. I would like to see the tap. I think if you are ordering tap water, it would be good to see the tap. We're going to judge the restaurant on the cleanliness of their tap. What if the taps rank? No, you're right. Well, there's a massive limescale build-up on that tap. Oh, God, I wouldn't want to eat there. I wouldn't want the tap water. That's for sure. No, then I'd get still. Yeah, maybe that's the standard we need to be setting.

You can see what this tap is. God, this is so enlightening. Can you think of like, so if you are having tap water and this is your dream meal, is there a tap that you've seen in your life that you'd like, that's the tap I would like to come from? It's honestly the first time we've ever asked this. Is it? I was going to say, this is usually one. We've done over 200 of these. What? Whoa, that's a great question. I haven't seen that many cool taps in my life, to be honest. Come on, come off of it. What, have you seen a lot of cool taps? Ella, you're a big star. Yeah. I am a big star. Yeah.

Are you telling me they don't have good taps? Guys, all taps kind of look the same. Are you joking? Come on. Do you want a separate hot and cold tap or a mixer tap? Oh no, I hate when they do it separately. Because then when I'm trying to wash my face in warm water, it's hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold.

it's too stressful and then a burn with it and then it's too cold and then you end up just doing cold and then you're cold and it's a very stressful experience. I don't want to have to hold my hand separately and then mix them together. Trying to mix hot and cold water in a bowl hand is really uncomfortable. I clearly have a lot of, I didn't realise I had such strong feelings about taps. But no, that really does bother me actually. You are being surprised on this podcast but by your own opinion. By my own opinion.

I didn't know I had too many. Yeah. Wow. Thank you so much. So you would like a mixer tap? I like a mixer tap. But for a drink, surely, you don't want a mixer tap? Oh, no. No, but I wouldn't turn the hot. I'm going to say that's unfair of you. I wouldn't. Because you led Ella down this path of choosing the mixer tap. Yeah. And now you've gone fucking gotcha. I feel tricked. You have tricked me. Yeah, yeah. It's a gotcha interview. Sorry, Ella. You've been gotcha. But when it's one tap, you just turn the cold bit on. I wouldn't turn the hot and the cold if I was drinking water. No one wants to drink warm water. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll start with still or sparkling water, as we always do. Gosh, I forgot about that. I forgot I was here for this. Yeah, yeah. How bloody exciting is that? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Still or sparkling water, Ed? What would you have? No, we're not doing that. No, it's about me. So can I tell you, honestly, I feel quite strongly about this because I don't like still water very much because...

So I used to go to India a lot when I was very little, a lot, a lot, a lot. And I spent a lot of time with very, very bad diarrhea, very bad diarrhea because I used to drink the water that came from whatever the buckets in the village that were kept. The water was kept then in a clay pot because they thought that cooled it. But what it in fact did is,

It just made the water evaporate down into the microbes. So I literally would come back and I was often hospitalised. It was that bad. So for me, still water smacks of that stuff that you put in drip bags in hospital. It's like interstitial fluid. It's the stuff that you would squeeze out of a dressing, wound dressing, not a dressing gown. Both, actually. Do you know what I mean? I have no fondness for still water. No.

It's the most disgusting description of still water we've had on the podcast ever. It's the worst we've ever had. We've asked that question so many times and you start to think we've had all the answers we're going to have, but it reminds you of interstitial fluid that someone squeezed from a wound dressing. It's a little bit like that. Do you know, like they say that a durian fruit smells like an old wound dressing? Yes. Stinky fruit. Stinky fruit. That.

That's the definition. I always think of just still water as that's, you know, it's the stuff of drip bags. It's the stuff you mop up, you know, it's a nursing term, I think still, but then sparkling, you see now the thing with sparkling, can I tell you this? I am very careful about my teeth, James. I'm a very careful person when it comes to my teeth, because I think I used to think dentists get paid. Your mom's not a dentist, Benita. No,

By the filling. By the filling. My mum does. Or my dad. No one is related to any dentist as far as I'm aware. Now I love them and I think they're fantastic. But there was a point I was raised to believe that they were paid by the filling so you don't go to the dentist. So I'm really careful. And I hadn't had a filling until I was 35 or whatever. So really careful about my teeth. Now, have you seen the Malum granite pavements?

Do you know what I'm talking about? No. Obviously not. In Malibu, north of England, Yorkshire. They're called the granite, what's it called? The granite paste. Are you Googling it? Basically, carbonic acid, that is what it does to rock. Yes. So pure sparkling water, in my view, just completely erodes it. You're going to end up with Elizabeth I's teeth drinking pure sparkling water. So I find it too acidic.

I just find it kind of fuses your frontal lobe to your eyebrows. You know, it's just strips your mucus membranes. I just find it too acidic. So I like to go half and half. Yep. Yep. So that's true. You take the two things that you don't like and put them together. Yeah.

Well, you have to be polite, don't you? But I have to say, when I put the two things together, they're perfect. You're getting that lovely palate cleansing. You're getting that little bit of acidity. It's just a little wake me up, but it's also hydrating. Yeah, don't drink a lot of it. You know what I mean? I like to go to the loo maybe twice a day for a week. Yeah, by the sound of things, you don't always go to the loo. LAUGHTER

And that is trying to witness that happen. Witness the half and half. When a runner comes in and says, would you like some water? Still or sparkling? And Nisha says, yes, I'll have half and half, please. I think half and half's a thing though, isn't it? Surely people do that. It's the first time maybe we've had that on the podcast. I mean, maybe someone else has said it at some point, but not as a thing they already do. I think they probably like maybe riffed it and gone,

let's go for half and half. I think you're the first person who that's your pre-existing preference. Especially the first person who wants half and half and half of the drink they want is something they refer to as something from a drip bag and the other half is something they've seen rot away a pavement. Well, we always start with still a sparkling water. Do you have a preference? Sparkling. I like to get the mouth scratched.

So that's what you're enjoying getting from the sparkling is the scratchy mouth. Yeah, yeah. Just detangle that moist, get it all open. Have you ever heard of the face gem for your face? Yeah, it's been recommended to me. Has it? Yeah, well, who says a lot about how I clearly look. Well, apparently it gives you a skinnier face. So maybe that's what sparkle modders do for the inside of your mouth.

Do you... Socky on from the inside. So I thought you were saying it gives you the skinnier inside of the mouth. Yeah. Does that show on the outside then or are you just trying to get... I'm a shaman so why? Because there's less on the inside so that means you have to pull it out from the inside. Just feels nice doesn't it? Just push it around. Yeah. I know, I see what you mean. It's stimulating. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Sparkling water. Yeah. Gets you ready for what you're about to eat maybe. Yeah. Yeah, and obviously scratches the mouth and makes it skinny on the inside. Yeah.

They massage the inside of your mouth at the face gym, don't they? I've never had anyone's fingers in my mouth in the face gym. Other places, yes, at work sometimes. We should try and explain what the face gym is maybe for some listeners who don't. Yeah, explain the face gym. I'm going to explain it now really well, so hopefully they give me some free vision of that.

The face gym is a place where you go and they exercise your face. You don't have to do any of the exercising yourself. You don't have to move your own face. They move it for you and they have like weights and balls and things that they press and roll and ice and you leave honestly snatched. Yeah.

That's amazing. Because I've seen, I've been past the face gym and have thought, where have we come to? You've got fantastic skin though, you're supposed to. Thank you very much. Do you do anything, did you just? Wash it. Now and again. Me and James have had an argument about this before that I wasn't washing my face at night and James thought it was the most unbelievable thing he'd ever heard.

Yeah, you have to wash your face. Especially if you're living in London. Yeah, and then I did an interview with GQ magazine and they were really upset that I didn't wash my face. So about six months later, when I'd calmed down my stubbornness, I started washing my face at night. Do you not have like a wee sooty face when you're coming home? No, I'm not a chimney sweep. I'm not running through the streets of London jumping into chalk paintings. But it's modern day. Dirt is invisible now. Yeah, well. I think also Edward's bored in London. You have all that Wi-Fi on your face. Yeah.

I should move to Donegal. You should move to Donegal. Because I think, like, when I moved to London, I really noticed, like, oh, my skin is fucked. Yeah. Like, as soon as I moved here, it was fine in Kettering, and then I moved here, and all the pollution started attacking my face. I was like, well, I got sort of... Why did you die? Because Ed was born here, so I guess... You're hard. I've always been mucky. Mucky boy. His skin knows how to deal with it. He's a mucky boy. Yeah.

But you must be hard as fuck because the water is hard, so it must harden you, especially if you're growing with that water. Yeah. Or maybe I'm just used to it, you know, it's like an immune system thing now. Yeah. Because I can't go anywhere with soft water. I've said it on the podcast before, it makes my hair too fluffy. Yeah. Yeah.

He texted me when he started washing his face at night to tell me he'd started doing it. For a bit, I was texting him every night going, done it again. Done it again. It's becoming a routine. Is it just like rolling black? It's awful. And then I've got a little acid thing that I use sometimes as well. Oh, that's nice. My wife sometimes uses like an acid peel thing that is like purple, but never warns me when she's put it on. And I'm always shocked. Yeah.

Just walk into the bedroom like with a bright purple face. Every single time. I have one of those LED masks. Yeah. They are amazing. Also snatch. Do they actually do anything though? They really, really, really do. I just feel like when I take it off, I sort of look like I just got out of the sea. Yeah.

Do you know when it's a wee bit tighter and a wee bit like, that's what it feels like. Oh, nice. I really am on this young girl. And that's very relaxing, you know, to just lie down and like just your pants and the face mask, just like starfished across the bed. It's bloody you time. We live in a busy world. Yeah, we do. Yeah. We've got to put on an LED face mask that make us look like we're in slip, not now and again. Oh,

My girlfriend's got one of those. I've tried it out a couple of times. Sitting there on the bed with my pants with what looks like, you know... I don't think you have to be in your pants. I'll just say that now. I don't think you have to be in your pants. No, because you're just out of the shower when you do it. So you're obviously not going to lie. I would never not have pants on.

So we lay in there in a LED face mask and full dungarees. Just do it on the tube. You do it when you're just clean. Right, okay. That makes sense then. Sorry, carry on. Well, last time I did it, I'm laying there, got it on, in my pants, and then my cat, who was a sphinx cat, hairless cat, comes and sits on my chest. It was quite the sight, me with that mask on and a hairless cat sitting on me.

we always start with still a spark than water for your dream meal do you have a preference it would have to be still yeah cannot do sparkling sparkling to me tastes like soluble like paracetamol oh that's good i know what you mean but i think i quite like the taste of soluble paracetamol do you yeah you like the medicine i like medicine you like medicine yeah because it's making you better you can't argue that logic rachel you can't but

But you honestly like the taste of it, honestly. I don't mind. I see what you mean with the fizzy water and sometimes that soluble paracetamol almost makes water taste milky. Do you know what I mean? It's sort of a little bit gross. If there was some medicine that you had to just eat recreationally, just like you don't need it to get better, but you've got to eat it.

Funny enough, when I was younger, I used to hit the cow pole up. Yeah. I did. Yeah. Even if I didn't have a headache in case I got one, I would hit the cow pole. Oh, sorry. Yeah, simply. You were preventing. Just in case, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Always thinking ahead. Yeah. So you weren't just because it was delicious. Most of us, we just wanted to go like that. Well, it was that.

It was that as well. It was so tasty. It was, wasn't it? Yeah. And it's addictive, I think. Yeah. As a parent, that cowpaw is epic. Oh, really? Cowpaw, you're a fan. Yeah. As a parent now. Always got it on the go. Yes, my God. Is it still as good? I don't taste it anymore. Oh, you mean the flavour? You must be tempted, Rachel.

Do you know what? I'm not. What? I'm not. No, I'm over it. I'm over it. I've moved on from there. I'll have a little shot of cowpaw. A little shot in those little kind of spatula things. I just want to see if it tastes as good as you remember, surely. Yeah. Next time you will. Now you've said that, that'll be in your head now. Now I'll be like, yeah. Do you not want to admit it on this podcast? Are you worried there'd be like a controversy? It's quite controversial. If you admit that you have some now. I stopped being stung by that in the past. I don't want to bring it up, but like, do you remember that? Of course you remember it. We don't talk about that, mate. Yeah.

That was great. Well, it wasn't it. I was the right age as well. I'd come up with S Club and then when that happened, I was like, that's still cool. Spliff Club 7. That's really cool.

While walking past a cop car. Absolute legend. Yeah. Absolute legends blazing up outside the Rosses. Right. So blatant. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think Calpol would have the same impact as the tabloids. Us girls were just minding our own business, you know, working hard. Yeah. And they were just, you know. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. They get a telling off. Modern guys.

Do you want that water from the hotel? That lemon mint and... Do you want that as your... That's reserved. That's reserved for the hotel lobby. You don't want this for your dream? No, no, no. Like you say, plain Jane. Yeah, plain still water. Which I'd love to hear you say to someone in a restaurant, by the way, when they come over to take your order, just go, I'm a plain Jane. Yeah, I'm a plain Jane.

Like a bag of carrots and a grilled chicken wrap, nothing on it. That's what they call me in McDonald's. Do you ever go crazy and put the carrots in the wrap? This is not Sodom and Gomorrah. Cut this. What the hell are you talking about? This is McDonald's at one in the morning after the gig. You're not sitting in, are you? No, I'm not sitting in. I'm

eating them in the Uber if the driver permits me. Hang on. So you ask. Have you ever eaten in an Uber, Finn? No, I'm not a psychopath. What? Yes. Why can't you eat in an Uber? Because you're in the Uber. What's your rating if you're eating in Ubers? What is it generally? What's the kind of average Uber rating? For you. Well, for me...

Well, I was right up in the high fours for ages, like bobbing around the fives and then frigging... I left Nish Kumar in it and let him carry on in my Uber to get to his house. And he made the Uber driver stop at an M&S...

fucking service station and then the Uber driver marked us down and I was right down in the low fours and I thought who cares I'm going to start eating my carrots in the middle yeah and now you're in the twos niche compromise my score is it possible to like be in the twos before your Uber just gets taken off that surely no one's ever been under like a 4.8 yeah yeah I feel like that's

Because no one's going to pick you up if they can see your writing. We'll check ours in a minute. The worst thing is now you can look at the more specific statistics so you can see how many fives and ones you've got and stuff. Oh, that's worse than I thought. Mine's worse than I thought. 4.84. That's pretty bad. I'm just going to give Adil five stars. 4.78.

Finn. What? 4.84. Hey, all right. I feel like a 4.84 is usually, it's just because sometimes I'm late. Oh. I'm 4.78 here. Yeah, boy. How is that happening to me? Little carrot boy. Oh, yeah, it's because I'm eating the carrots. I just had to pick up this fucking carrot boy.

Yeah, the king you know they're coming together I'm scrolling down here as low to five such a thing. This is what I've given them Yeah, yeah, yeah desperate for this for you to a five so you're just god damn it Yeah, well bit of a shame James I do love sparkly like a refreshing sparkling water. Yeah, actually with a lot of bubbles I

Like a Topo Chico. How many bubbles are in a Topo Chico? That's like a contest for an out-of-state fair where they... And the one that comes closest, you would get like a pig to take out. I couldn't tell you the actual number, but I would say a lot. Millions. Millions. Yeah. Millions of bubbles. It's come out that that is unhealthy. There's actually something in there that's not...

Good for you. I don't think I've had Topo Chico before. I've never heard of it. It's quite good. Next time you come to America, check it out. Should I just have it straight away in the airport? Oh, yes. Right when you land. Yeah. And then down it in one in the middle of the airport and then shout Topo.

I love Topo Chico really loud. Is that how I should do it? Yes, that's how they do it there. What do you imagine the people of the Sparkling Mortar Lobby, what do you imagine they look like and how many are there? Oh, that's interesting. Well, I think they're well-dressed. I feel like the Sparkling Lobby are well-dressed, like a crisp white shirt, maybe a black, a

a blazer suit jacket glass signature glass statement glasses on a few really round glasses round yeah like that you where you're thinking like you're right shaped like bubbles yeah where like they could be could be architects they want to think of themselves as creatives yeah yeah i'm imagining loads of them as well oh you're imagining loads i was i was imagining like just five oh okay but you're imagining like it's they're actually like bubbles just kind of just i wasn't damn and imagine anything yet because i wanted

I know it's come from you. Oh yeah. I was imagining like a small group that has a very powerful, inordinate amount of power. Yeah. We're, we're just thinking like, wow, these five people have really changed the way that we drink water. Yeah. And you know,

And then there's just one person that's wearing like a colorful tie. And that's the person that adds the flavor to the sparkling water. You know, just a guy with like red glasses and like some like socks that are a little wacky. Yeah. And he was the first guy that said, what if we added a little raspberry to this?

He's like the, I assume it's like the Steve Wozniak of the group. He's the Wozniak. Yeah. He's the Woz. Yeah. Yeah. Like he's coming up with a lot of stuff, but like he's getting screwed. Yeah. And there's like a lot of other people are taking the credit. He's going to write that book though. That we're, yeah. He's the disruptor. Yeah. An Apple TV series. Yeah. Definitely. Oh, the podcast first and then the documentary and then the limited series. I can't wait. Yeah.

also i'm a bit tense now for the podcast i don't know if you noticed but there's a point there where ed said they would have round glasses and then i said uh round like bubbles and then it was like yep that's what i meant and listen we're putting a good face on it now but when you leave that's gonna be a blazing round it'll be really bad i set him up for shouting at me the cleverer listeners and then you make it clear for some of the stupider listeners we always start with still or sparkling water do you have a preference

And then there would be the little sound effect you add later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ben would add a little sound effect. Or if you want, you can make your own sound effects now and we can put them in instead for this episode. Okay. So for the stiller sparkling, is it like the sound of a glass? It's poured in, right? I think, yeah. It's like something pouring into a glass. Yeah. If it's like...

Like, no, that's too like hammy. I'm not trying. I'm actually not trying to ham it up. It'd be like, I don't know. Cause you know how it like goes from like low to high as like the baskets filled. It's like, it gets a high pitch. Yeah.

Maybe just like would be. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Yeah. Not only do I think we should use that sound effect for your episode, I think we should use it for the next episode as well. Yeah. And who's next? Well, no idea, but they're in for a treat. Well, let's start. We always start with still a sparkling water. Ah, still, still water. I can't drink sparkling because I believe it's regular water that the Illuminati farted in.

Illuminati party? Illuminati party. They had an Illuminati party party. Yeah, exactly. Yes! You know! You know! I haven't done it for a long time. Wake up, sheeple. Wake up. And don't eat broccoli. It's man-made. Yeah.

Broccoli's man-made? Yeah, it is. It's not real. Yeah. It's not real. What are your sources for the broccoli's man-made? Google it now. Broccoli is a man-made. But what do you mean by man-made? It comes out the ground, right? It does now. Yeah.

But so, were you saying it's been synthesized in a lab? It was made in a lab by a bunch of liberal scientists trying to turn us into communists. Wake up! I'm willing to wake up, I just need to know what I'm waking up to. The truth is out there, sheeple. So, Benito's googled broccoli man-made. Top here, is broccoli man-made? Contrary to the claims of some sceptics, broccoli is not a genetically modified or man-made vegetable. It is a

A naturally occurring plant that belongs to the same family as kale, cabbage and cauliflower. Lies! Lies! He switched it before I came in. Because he knew. I thought you would understand. I thought there was a chance. But you flooded into the trap. But now we've got backgarden.org is our answer in 2020, December 2020. And it was updated yesterday.

this year is broccoli man-made and they are saying the short answer is yes broccoli is man-made broccoli as we know it did not always exist as a plant but was created by humans for an extensive process it is not known exactly how many years ago broccoli emerged but it is believed that early varieties of this plant appeared more than 2 000 years ago that's jesus times yeah no no that's post jesus actually when 20 years after jesus they made broccoli do you think that's a coincidence no

I told you people the truth is out there. You don't trust broccoli because it's man-made and you don't trust sparkling water because it was made at an Illuminati farty party. And it makes you get sharty. So it's got to be still water all the way. It's got to be. Now you're drinking a seven up there. Who's done a farty in that? What you need to understand is that to help the sheep,

You must become like a wolf, but still be among the sheep. Yes. You must be a sheep dog. I'm deep undercover, bro. Okay. Yeah. I'm trying to find how they think. So you know that you're drinking farts right now. Synthesized farts. Yeah. Because it comes with a flavor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But water on its own with gas in it. Yeah. That's an affront to God. Could you imagine it raining sparkling water?

I quite like that, actually. You deviant. Fizzy water. Fizzy rain. It's like acid rain. Yeah, I'd love that. Bad. That just sounds like a very, very bad remix of a Prince song.

Fizzy rain. To be honest, every remix or cover of a Prince song is bad. Yeah. And done by the Illuminati and pharma companies. So you think big pharma are covering Prince songs and putting them out? What's the aim there? They're trying to devalue his legacy? I've said too much. You know who invented broccoli? A big pharma. No.

Ed doesn't do jokes like that very often, Nabil. What do you think of him? It's very telling that he's trying to cover things up. Yeah, yeah. A big farmer, do you understand? So I've changed the meaning of farmer. I'm well aware of what you did there.

I think you'll find for a profession. You're stealing the truth. Yeah. Stealing the truth. I'm willing to believe that sparkling water has Illuminati parties in it. I am. And I, you know, still, still water is the way to go. Just check it. See if that water fizzes, brother. No, that's still water. There's no glass of water at the minute. And the bills goes, I is firmly glued to the glass. Yeah.

We can get you still water in the green restaurant. We must stay focused, my brothers. We must stay focused. Some lovely clips. Glug, glug, glug. Now, always one of our favourite segments of The Best Ofs is characters. We love it when guests come up with characters, especially when those characters are scrawling the prawn in a little shitbag. Here's Saoirse Monica Jackson, Noah Fielding, Michelle DeSwart, Riggs Nicholson, Peter Capaldi, Hamid Anamashan, Danny Dyer, and again, Saoirse Monica Jackson.

The langoustines. How many of them are there? I don't want to be too full for my main, so I'll go with four. Now, are you having to peel those and stuff and do any admin with them? Or is that just... Aye. I like the, again, I find that ceremonious, is the word. Yeah? Yeah. I like that. And I like taking their wee legs apart, their wee sex packs. Yeah. Um...

and getting those wee bad boys out. Yeah, I've never thought of a langoustine as buff before, but now clearly. Yeah, yeah. You know, early on when me and Hector started going out with each other, we used to come up, it was like during the second lockdown, so it was obviously boring. And we used to come up with these wee characters in our heads.

that we obviously didn't just keep singularly and not speak out loud, but to come up together and we used to do the voices for them. And two characters, we was called Scrawn the Prawn and Little Shitbag. So I was Little Shitbag and he was Scrawn the Prawn. And then...

You just met. Yeah, it was only a couple of months, like a month or two in. And then I got an artist to commission a photo, like I described Scrawn the Prawn Deer, of what I imagined Scrawn the Prawn Deer looked like, which is like a lovable rogue with a pair of nightgown mics on with a cap backwards and a chain smoking a cigarette with a bunch of flowers. But he's a prawn, right? But he's a prawn. Scrawn the Prawn.

And he has a six pack. Six pack, yeah. Which not to brag. It was my boyfriend. There you go. To be fair. Scrawl on the prawn. There's no way around that. Yeah, yeah. But congratulations to him if he's listening on your six pack. So I got the role of really being little shit bagged now. Talk us through little shit bag.

Little shit bag is a bag of money like what you see in old cartoons, you know, like a bag with a dollar sign. Yeah. And it's got shit inside with little stank marks coming up the top. And it's always sad. But it's a tiny shit bag. It's full of shit.

But it once contained money, I presume. And it does anything Scrawl on the Prawn says. But it once contained money, you're right. Yeah, so that's why it's so sad. It knows how good life used to be. Yeah. I mean, you might not even know. Maybe it's a metaphor for, like, money strikes. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. How did you get to Scrawl on the Prawn and Little Shit back? I just started, like, the both of us sat on a sofa looking out a window and then she never do that with your, like...

your significant others and then you're just like talking on the voice like oh I'm waiting on my patients I don't have any patients because I don't have any time

Then we gave them their characters developed and then it became Scrawl on the Prawn and Little Shitbag. COVID, we all had to get through it some way. What's Little Shitbag's voice? What voice does Little Shitbag speak? That was sort of Little Shitbag's voice. That's Little Shitbag's voice. It's a high-pitched voice. Scrawl on the Prawn is more like Scrawl on the Prawn. Party, party, party. I loved how you described that, going Scrawl on the Prawn is more like Scrawl on the Prawn.

So Scrawl on the Prawn is obviously Scrawl on the Prawn, you see. What's the relationship with each other again? What do they think of each other? I think that it's sort of like a more, it's not a rip-off at all in any way of Rick and Morty. You know, like where Little Shitbag is always following Scrawl on the Prawn. Yeah.

And Scrawn the Prawn is just always trying to work things out and making it a disaster and Little Shitbag's actually fixing his mistakes behind him and never getting any glory for it. But it's just happy to be there. I'd happily watch an animation of Scrawn the Prawn and Little Shitbag. I know, isn't this excellent? Nobody better fucking stand up to the idea. I think it would be pretty clear if they've stolen the idea. I'd say Angie were talking there and describing their relationship.

I did notice a switch from talking about the characters to talking what sounded like your real relationship with your partner. LAUGHTER

You're like, and little shitbag's always cleaning up, scoring the pawns, never getting any credit for it. He's got a six-pack, so he can put up with some stuff. I just take it because he's got a six-pack. And I'm full of shit. I love that it's a bag of money that's full of shit. A dollar bag that's full of shit.

That's the character you came up with. I'm a prawn. I'm a prawn with a backwards cap. I'm a bag of shit. Well, I'm going to get through the pandemic somehow. Exactly. There was a place in Big Sur. I went to America. I went to Big Sur and there was a place where all the beat writers used to eat. I used to eat hamburgers there. Kerouac hamburgers.

Richard Broughtigan used to go there, who's my favourite writer. And I just sort of, I was very excited about going to eat somewhere where all these beat writers and cool people had eaten. It's called the Nepenthe. Nepenthe. And it's basically, the view is just mountains. Beautiful place. And the hamburger is supposedly, everyone just would say, you've got to go there for a hamburger. It's the greatest hamburger of all time. And I do quite like hamburgers, but...

So I went there and the waiter came over and I said, I've had the hamburgers really good. And he literally went, well, little brother, this is true for 50 years. So it should be. He was like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. You gotta.

He was amazing. Yeah. He was animated. I don't know how they did that. So at that point, when he suddenly did that, you must have been done by then. I was in. I was like, who's this guy? And then he was doing, there were so many people there and it was just him. He was the only waiter.

And he was sort of bobbing about. And I just kept saying, I don't care about the food. I just want that guy to come. Yeah. Every time he came back, it was the most amazing experience of my life. And then I did have the burger and it was the greatest burger. Amazing. Well, it was like, I don't really, you know, like nowadays, like,

They always have very tall burgers, don't they? You know, you go into a burger place, gourmet burgers are very tall. They're almost like, they have to sometimes put that stick in to keep them, so they don't topple over. And you can't, how do you eat those? I don't know what. There's too much stuff in there. Yeah, I'm not a fan of that. So I quite like the little...

Flat burgers. Who's the fella in Popeye? Is it Wimpy? Yeah. He used to say, I'll gladly pay you Friday for a hamburger today. Do you remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And his hamburgers look nice. Yeah. I really wanted a Wimpy hamburger. Is that, was Wimpy named after him? It must be. Yeah.

Yeah, maybe. That can't be a coincidence, can it? He was called Wimpy, wasn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he looked like W.C. Fields. He looked drunk as well, didn't he? Yeah, yeah. I mean... I'll gladly pay you a Friday. Yeah, something was going on with him. Yeah. If they'd done a... Oh, my friend. He had a weird way of speaking, didn't he? Yeah, yeah. Like W.C. Fields. Like the waiter. Oh, my friend. Oh, the waiter was out of control. Whoa, little brother! Little brother. Jeez!

It's such a good voice. I can't believe it. UK comedians, we tend to like, we go abroad, especially America, and like, people don't know who we are over there.

And then you get more character. I think you encounter more characters. You do. And I think here, if you went into a restaurant and they've got a weird waiter. They're not sending that guy. It's like, do you want to go over to Noel Fielding? No, I'm not doing that. Yeah. I'm too weird. You think they're self-aware enough to go, I'm too weird. I'm too weird for Fielding. I love it. In America, they don't care. Yeah, we use it. We talk about it on a podcast. I'm not going over there. But it was that guy just like...

who's this, I don't know who this bloke is. Well, brother. And it's like, you get to have that treat again, like before you were famous. You're like, oh, this is great. I get the weird guy. There was a guy in a restaurant called the Gay Hussar. I think it's closed down now.

that was in soho and lots of politicians used to go there and and i think they did some deal where if you were in a theater show in soho or in london you could get a cheap meal before if you were an actor so it was a 60s thing they were famous in the 60s and 70s and it's called the gay hassan it was polish food i think and the guy that ran it was at maitre d

was one of the weirdest people of all time. We used to go there just for him. And he would just say obscure things like a stand-up and then just leave and just hover over to your table and go, excuse me, it says you can get baked beans here. And he'd go, what's that about? And he'd go, well, if you're interested in the greatest baked beans of all time, then this is definitely a dish that I would recommend. LAUGHTER

And then he'd just leave. And then he'd say really weird stuff. Like, John Major was in here a few months ago. And I saw him enjoying the beans. And then he'd sort of be gone. Like, he'd come over and he'd be gone. And then he started talking about, he found a card on the floor. Donor, kidney donor card. And he went, I could never give my hog away. LAUGHTER

Have you had a meeting with one of the brothers, Ed? Probably. We've all had those pointless meetings, haven't we? Yeah, actually. I remember you telling me that you went out to LA and just had loads of really good meetings. Yeah, yeah, loads of good meetings. Yeah, amazing meetings. It's cool to hear what Ed says to other acts who I've not met. Yeah. Because me and Michelle met for the first time. No, we've met before. We've met before. Yeah, we have. I haven't met you. Yeah, we have.

We've met. Do you want me to tell you where? Yeah, yeah. You did Clapham Grand. That's where we met, actually. Yes, yeah, yeah. We met at Clapham Grand. Bullshit. Yeah. And we met there probably about a year ago. And I said that I feel like you are the sort of person that, like, if...

I love Seinfeld, right? And I feel like if there was an episode of Seinfeld where, like, Kramer was really worried about his cousin coming from England and he didn't think he had anything in common with him and then the cousin turned up and it was you and he spent the whole episode being like, I just can't relate to him. And Jerry and George and everyone else was like, what do you mean? It's like, that's you. You are the...

He's the British you. That is perfect casting for a start. And...

an absolutely bang on Seinfeld storyline. Yeah. That would totally happen. You was also wearing a funky shirt and then you did, because we just met, you went, why would you say this to me when I'm about to go on stage? And then that was our meeting. I remember meeting you. I said, have a good set. The last thing you want to do is a stand up. I remember this. You don't want to be compared to Kramer before you go on and do a stand up. Not Kramer, Kramer's long lost cousin. Right. That's what's in your head, right? That's what's in your head. You're about to walk on. And someone who used to be a professional model goes, you look like Kramer. Yeah.

And then you walk on. Yeah. Have a good set doing new material. You're going to crash it. Yeah. I'm going to stay and watch. I'm a big fan. Yeah. Do you know what as well? I think you went straight on stage and then dropped your mic. Yeah. Deliberately or no. In Kramer fashion. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He went to catch it and drop it. It was wicked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely went on. Yeah. Through it in the air.

Yeah, and dropped it. Tried to catch it, dropped it. Yeah. Started my set. So how do you not remember that you've met Michelle before? Well, I do now. Because this sounds quite eventful. Yeah, I know. Well, clearly what had happened is I'd just got to the venue just in time. I was about to go on. Someone I'd never met absolutely got in my head. I went on and dropped my mic. My brain has clearly tried to wipe this from my mind. You know what? When I watched it, I went, see, that's a proper Kramer move, that. Yeah. That's proper. Solid. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that didn't help. Yeah. Yeah.

Probably didn't help me figure out if I just dropped the mic just like Kramer. Actually, that's not what Kramer would do on stage and I'm glad. Yeah, thank God. I'm glad that I didn't go that way. This is why I said long lost cousin, long lost cousin. Yeah, yeah, a long lost cousin. That's what I was hinting at earlier but I just thought I'd let it ride out. Yeah.

Yeah, fried chicken burger. And just not bonkers. Like, I don't want, you go to those kind of burger places now and it's like, back in my day, it was just chicken and coleslaw. But, like, I want some pickles on there. I love that guy. That's Jeff. Yeah, it's got to be. It's got to be Jeff. Come in here. Have some steak ta-ta. Jeff ta-ta. I love it.

His brain's rushing a million miles an hour, but it's not to get anywhere good. A lot of urgency, but nothing's going on. Anyway, it made a beef. It cut up the beef. I love it. Beautiful. You brought the kids. Beautiful. LAUGHTER

Family. Family. He cares about family, doesn't he? Just an odd man who is desperately trying to appear normal. Yeah, yeah. He knows that it should be lovely that they bought the kids, but he can't really say it in a convincing way. Oh, beautiful. Family. Oh, family. Family never worked out for Geoff. Geoff Tata. Geoff had to say ta-ta to that. Where's Geoff from? Oh, jeez.

None of your business. You're the one you don't know. That's the one question you'll never answer. No, no, no, no. Oh, tata, tata. That's his catchphrase. Tata. Doesn't talk about his past. In Jeff Tata's, tata means hello and goodbye. Tata.

I don't know where he's from. No. He's from somewhere in the south of America. Yeah. Yeah, like the shallow south. Not the deep south. Yeah, the shallow south. The paddling end. What do you think he looks like? No neck. Oh, actually, I imagined quite a long but horizontal neck.

Yeah, like just completely coming out of his body horizontally with just an old potato head on the end. I think he looks like... I'll tell you who I'm imagining, actually. I'm just imagining the... The food critic from Ratatouille? No, that would be better, actually. Let's go with that. Yeah. Who were you imagining? The paedophile from Family Guy. Yes! Herbert! Herbert the pervert! Yes.

I imagine he looks, I started describing a particular type of dad on stage recently, like small dads. And I think this is what he looked like holding up a frog. You know what I mean? Like that kind of like round egg body. I think that's what Jeff Tatar looked like. Very long legs. Yeah. And their wives dress them. Small dads. Yeah. Little dads. Jeff Tatar doesn't have a wife though. No. Jeff Tatar's single. There were a lot of people he was, there was a,

a lady that owned a flower shop down the street that he was always like, what do you buy a lady that owns a flower shop? What do you give her? A Pepsi Max. Every day I give her a Pepsi Max. Oh, I feel sorry for him now. I was always, I was largely terrified when I'd go to a restaurant.

But the one restaurant, funnily enough, that wasn't like that, which is ironic, was the Old Ivy. When I say the Old Ivy, I mean the Ivy as was before it became a sort of brand. And the Ivy, for listeners who don't know, was a restaurant that was set, I think it was built in the 20s or something like that.

I went through various hands, but it was always a kind of show-busy restaurant. It was always actors. It was actors who went there as opposed to comedians and musical artists and panto artists. It was always actors who went there. Vivian Leigh and all that, Laurence Levy and stuff. And I was going to be quite, A, quite scared.

because you'd look around and they'd be like, "Celer..." And it was like, you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger would go there and stuff like that, and anybody who was an MD would go there. But they, in fact, they treated you so well and so openly. I used to always say, "I wish I could bring my mother here." Because they'd treat my mother wonderfully. Not because she was my mother, but because that was how their staff were. They just treated people really well, like they were going to have a good time, and they weren't going to be intimidated.

I don't mean the staff was saying, you're not going to intimidate me. I mean, the staff were not intimidating their customers. Yeah. They were offering tap water. They were a place that was fine. Well, in those days, you just took whatever, you just got a bottle of water. There wasn't really, because Perrier had just been invented as a brand. And that may have existed in real life in France somewhere.

Sparkling water was new on the scene. Yeah, yeah. Can either of you do a good Schwarzenegger impression, Arnie? Because I keep on thinking... Not even letting you finish the request? No. This sounds very funny, him saying the ivy. Like, if you imagine Schwarzenegger saying the ivy, I think that would sound funny. The ivy? No. I can't do it. Let's imagine it. I guess everyone's got to imagine it.

I always imagine Mr Kipling as like Colonel Sanders like cousin or something. Yeah. Yeah. He's like English cousin. Yeah. Just like not the white hair and the white beard, but like a brunette. So like a brunette Colonel Sanders, a little bit younger, but they're cousins. A little bit younger. Yeah. Cousins. Do they keep in touch? Yeah. Yeah. From like, from like Cornwall or something. And what, what, what's their opinion of each other? What does Kipling think of Sanders? I think they get on. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they get on. I think there's like, oh, I'm glad you're doing well. And I was like, you too. I guess there's no competition between them, right? No, because they're different as much as they're in the same industry. It's different. You know, he's doing fried chicken and he's doing cakes. And like, you know,

Sanders is a veteran as well. Oh, yeah, he's been around for a long time. He's served in wars. He's a colonel. Yeah. So, like, you know, Kipling is just a bloke, just Mr. Kipling. Yeah, but Kipling's age, I'd imagine he was maybe in World War II, maybe. Do you think? Well, then I think it would be called something like Captain Kipling's Cakes, but it's not. It's called Mr. Kipling. Yeah, that's true. He hasn't got a title. Yeah. You know, I think he was a conscientious...

Oh, really? Yeah. See, I've just realized that when I imagine Mr. Kipling, I imagine David Attenborough. Oh yeah. Oh, okay. That's mad, isn't it? But I do just imagine David Attenborough. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, so that is what you think of when you think of Kipton. Yeah. I think of more of an over-the-shoulder shot of his hands and stuff, but I can't ever see his face. Yeah. I can just see him maybe writing a letter, actually, to Colonel Sanders, maybe. But I can't really picture... Every time I try and get round and see his face, I can't really see it. I can see his face so clearly. He's standing...

He's standing on the edge. Like, you know those white cliffs in Devon? Yeah. In Devon? It's in Devon. Dover. He's standing there and he has like long, like up to his shoulders. So it's quite long brown hair. Wow. With like a goatee. Wow. And a cigar. Wow. And like a monocle. Whoa. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? With like a three-piece suit. Uh-huh. And he's just going... Yeah. Yeah.

I'm really glad you asked the question. How do you imagine Mr. Kipling? Because that was all ready to go. You've thought about that. You knew what he looked like. It's difficult because most of the characters in it are very unlikable. A bit like Succession. But you can't stop watching them. But with Freddy, he's lovely. He's a teddy bear with a bite. You know what I mean? And also, I speak a bit of Japanese in it, which is...

It's worth tuning in just for that. Yeah. And it took a long time to learn this little bit I've got, you know, because I like to have a geezer on WhatsApp. Because it's all phonetics, isn't it? You can't write it down. Yeah. So I have to keep listening to it. Then I'm on the blow. I've got the ump. I'm speaking Japanese with the ump. Yeah.

and that's an energy. Yeah, yeah. So, but I love it, man. It's a great thing. I had a moustache for six months, which I broke it to my kids and they cried. Obviously, this call runs and stuff and then, and interestingly, and then interestingly, they grew to love it and then when I got

rid of it they were really upset so I pulled it out of the bag and I had a bit of oil a bit of oil you know sort of brushing it and stuff little tash brush oh that's nice and it's always nice to know you can grow one yeah I think that's why I've done it well I was going to say you've gone for this little soul patch thing as well musketeer vibe yeah that's my wife's least favourite

a bit. Yeah, well, it rounds you off nicely. Thank you very much. Yeah, it balances it, doesn't it? It does balance it. It's not just a tash. Yeah. So you go, he's got a moustache, but it ain't just a tash. He's got more about it. It's a look. Yeah, yeah. It's a strong look. And when you've got a tash, is what I've noticed, it's,

You notice other people with tashes and you do the tash nod. It's odd. But I think nowadays, I think the tash is quite cool. If you can grow a nice one, you can bowl around with it. You know, you look a bit edgy, you know what I mean? And also for me now, because I had a wig on and I had a moustache, it means I'm a versatile actor, even though I'm still a cockney. Yeah. And I don't care what they say. You know, you look at me and go, okay, that's a different character. Yeah. Yeah.

So... You can do Cockney with a tash. That's what I'm saying. Cockney without a tash. You know, and it was all me own because other people unfortunately couldn't grow them. I won't name them. And so they had to have the stick on ones, which is a nightmare, you know. Every time you smile, you know, one sticks up at the end, you've got to make up. Just constantly dabbing it down with glue was... I was just bowling around with a nice shiny sort of oily tash, you know. Do you think the people with fake tashes do a fake tash nod? No.

Yeah, I think they probably do though because they're in pain. It's quite a painful process. I mean, once I got my wig on, I did look a little bit like Bob Carol, which I don't know. I mean, that's a throwback. You know, not ideal, really, Bob Carol. Although I'm sure he was a lovely geezer. Yeah, yeah. You know, he's a, you know, he had a nutty puppet. I mean, I mean, he did gob at people and stuff. But good back in the day, you know, in the 80s, they loved all that, didn't they? Yeah.

Yeah, you love spice. Yeah. I love spice. You're adding spice to everything. You've got a spicy drink. Yeah. You've got Tabasco on your... Three types of Tabasco. Three types of Tabasco on those starters. You've got some spicy dips for the poppadoms. And the lamb, you're like, I'd add chimichurri on the side of that. Yeah. You're wanting to spice everything up. Yeah. And do you know what? Was England really done that for me?

When I first moved here, I couldn't even eat hot Doritos. And through the cultural landscape of this country, I have really went up on the spice amateur. Now I would say I'm like the most hardcore at all my friends now with spice. How do they look up to you? Sometimes I'd be scared. I'd be scared to cook for them in case it's too spicy. But they are like, oh my God, Saoirse, you can take so much spice. Oh God, Saoirse, you know, there's nothing you can't handle. Yeah.

I hear that quite a lot. Seriously, you're on fire. How's Little Shitbag with Spice? Not good. Is Little Shitbag handle Spice? No. IBS, just like. Yeah. You don't want Little Shitbag to like, or cry. Little Shitbag keeps it all bottled up. I love that.

As a little shitbag should. As a little shitbag should. And then he snaps every once in a while. The bag snaps? Yeah, no, little shitbags just snaps. Can't take it anymore. Oh, I thought you meant the bag snaps open and loads of shit pours out. No, he's never opened up. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He keeps it all inside. He keeps it all inside. Yeah, sometimes he snaps. At Scrawl on the Prawn or anyone. He'll just like, he'll like float up and smack him across the face and then come back down again. That'll be the end of episode.

Big revelation that Little Shipbag can float. Little Shipbag only floats. Little Shipbag's got no legs and hovers with the shadow below him.

It's good that we know that now. Yeah. Which we're so curious about what I was thinking. Oh, God, I love Little Shitbag. I know, it's so cute. I think Little Shitbag would be my favourite character in the cartoon, but I'd appreciate that Scrawl on the Prawn has to be there for the dynamic. If you had to invent characters for Ed and I to be in this world... Yeah. Cameos in the cartoons. You'd be a duck. LAUGHTER

The quickest. I was not expecting that straight away to James. You'd be a duck. You'd be a duck for sure with really, really long legs and a tiny wee body. What's its name? Flapper. Flapper. Flapper. Yeah, Flapper the duck. Flapper the duck with really long legs and a tiny wee body. Yeah, I love it. And you'd be a ruler. A ruler? Just a ruler. Just a ruler called...

Shumpy the ruler. Because I think you're like urban but measured. Yeah, that's right. Like a ruler. Oh, I'm glad I'm a ruler actually. Yeah, and I'm glad you didn't think of that as quickly as you thought of James being a duck. Yeah, a ruler and a duck walking around together. And I'd give your wee duck head the exact same hairstyle that you have now. Good, that's good. Very generous of you to refer to this as a style. Literally done nothing.

nothing to it today so whatever this is I don't even know what it's doing do not go on and ask for anything specific in the hairdressers I say give me what we did last time and then every now and again I'll put something in it today is not one of those days I just woke up

I think it looks like a great cut, though. Yeah, it's a good cut. Oh, yeah, shout out to the person who cut it. Hey, did you ever have a Nike check shaved under your head? No, I didn't, funnily enough. Did you? No, I didn't. That was a big thing under your head, right? Yeah. And you shaved under the side of boys' heads and you're all like, oh, look, he's got his new Nike check on. The girls loved it. The capitalism, man.

It was a good thing. So girls liked the night tick. Yeah, you were under the night tick. It was around the Spice Boy era. It was part of it, really. Not essential then. And all the girls had diamonds on their teeth. It was such a trendy time, wasn't it? And that's all coming back in now. Yeah, it is coming back in, actually. I might get a night tick. You should brag

I should get a night check. How do you think your wife would react if you came home tonight but you still had the same thickness and fluff at the side of all the rest there but just you had to shave just one patch out and just do the night check at the side. How do you think she would react if you didn't tell her and you came in from the side of your bed and then you went to bed that night and you went oh and you lay over and night check at the side of your bed. Good night. Good night. She's still not noticing.

I bet she wouldn't notice and I'd have to say good night to draw attention to it. Rage on. Constantly doing that in the morning, she doesn't notice. Night to see you. Yeah, nice to see you too, Ed. See you later. Sij and Monica Jackson really does have a lot of characters. Man, I forgot we were duck and ruler. We had our first wrestler on the podcast this year and he had a spicy signature move. Let's hear from Will Ospreay. Come here. That's what wrestlers say. Yeah.

Do we want to start with still or sparkling water, Will? Do you have a preference? Still. I can't do sparkling. Yeah. The Germans love sparkling water. I went over there a while ago. They love sparkling water, but I'm a still man. Yeah, it's almost standard in Germany. They absolutely love it. It is good, though. The ultimate sparkling water.

In a way. What does sparkling water do? When you say you can't do it, does it have a negative effect? Not a negative effect. I just don't like it. So there's my negative effect. It produces hatred. It produces hatred. That might be good for wrestling. Oh, now.

Get me in the zone more if I start drinking sparkling water. My hatred levels are... That could be a thing. I'm probably going to be pitching a lot to you this episode, but I reckon like mid-fight, it looks like you're on the ropes, look like you're losing, and then you grab sparkling water, and everyone's like, we know what this means, and then you have it, and then you're full of the hate. Yeah, it's like your version of taking your straps down or like hulking up. Like hulking up, yeah, is it? You're right. Doing like the Shawn Michaels kick-up and then it's...

Just three silent minutes of you chugging two litres of Perrier. I don't think I could do two litres. Burping by the end. And you could get the sponsorship in there. To be fair, yeah. The big burp as well, I feel like it's like, take it, go, go, go, go, go, go, burp. Yeah. That's a good defence. It's a good defence mechanism. Someone's like, oh, it's gross, I can smell what you're eating.

We can smell that right to the back. That's a Nandosal, mate.

Coming out the other way was Nando's, mate. It was too spicy for me. Yeah, respect to Nando's, by the way, if you didn't come out the other way. Well, can I say as well that you and AEW has brought one of the most delightful things, which is listening to American commentators use the phrase cheeky Nando's. It is quite funny that I've called on that, because honestly, that was just a thing where I was just like, I just didn't see wrestling as...

anything more than just like, Oh, something I do on the weekends. Yeah. I caught the shooting and I was kick having a little laugh of everyone. But like now it's just kind of formulated and now it's just carried on. Yeah. And even to the point where like when I was in Japan and I turned into a bad guy,

I remember Kevin Kelly telling me, he was like, ah, maybe you should like ditch the funny names. And I tried it. It didn't work. Yeah. It's stuck around now. Nando's must be absolutely delighted with this. I have never had any talks with him at all. What? I've only talked to the cashier. That's it. But you tell the cashier, you're like, I've got a move called Chicken Nando's. There was a thing ages ago in Romford where like a fan was shocked that I was paying for Nando's. And I was just like, yeah, it's all good. And he was like, fuck.

furiously tweeting that. Give him a black card. Leave it. It's alright, I've got money, you're alright. They are cheeky. That is very cheeky of them. One day I hope we can work something out. I feel like, because I mean that's the sole reason why I've signed here. If I don't get a Nando sponsorship at the end of this, I don't know what I've got to do. You've got to rename all your moves to something on the Nando's menu. Something Perry, yeah. Yeah.

If I put him in like a figure four leg lock, it'd be like the Perry chicken fires leg lock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save on feel good favorites with great everyday prices at Whole Foods Market. Look for the yellow low price signs throughout the store.

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Now, we got absolutely Derren Browned this year. And do you know who else got... Who Derren Browned us? Derren Brown. It's been erased from my memory. And do you know who else got Derren Browned? Derren Brown. Here's Derren Brown and Derren Brown.

I was really, really fussy when I was a kid. I belly ate anything. I was so proper fussy eater. And then when I was at uni, I was in the back of a car starving and some people I was with, they went out and got a pizza and called from the shop, do you want sausage on it? And I said yes, thinking that meant...

sausage. I thought it meant salami and salami was an absolute no-no but when it came I was so hungry but when it came it was all like you know mixed into the with the cheese and everything so I couldn't pull the salami out so I kind of thought all right I'll just have to trick myself that I like salami so I did this thing of as I was eating it I not out loud but in my head I was going mmm mmm mmm and doing that and not giving myself a moment to go hang on where's the salami taste I don't like where is it where is it there it is I don't like it and it

worked and I ate it it was lovely and then I started doing it with everything and I just wiped out all these things I didn't like by just doing this by going mmm in my head the only thing it left was mushrooms and blue cheese which I can't stand you Darren Browned yourself I Darren Browned myself at a young age yeah

Are you aware that that's like a saying? You know it's a verb. You know your name's a verb, right? I have, yeah. Are you aware? I use it without even realising the irony. I just Derren Brown that. Yeah, yeah. Me and James watched someone try and Derren Brown someone else out of hating a food, do you remember? Oh my God, it was the best. Fucking hell. Yeah, I do remember. What happened? It was when we were doing Celebrity Hunted.

And it was before we started filming. We were all just hanging out in Shrewsbury Prison was where we started. We had like two days in Shrewsbury Prison for them to just shoot like five seconds of us escaping from the prison. But it was such a great two days. So we were with the Speakmans. I don't know if you know the Speakmans. No. They're like therapists, but they do a lot of work with people around that sort of stuff. And they're on This Morning quite a lot. There's a very funny video of them speaking to a woman who throws up every time she thinks about custard. But we were also with...

Bobby Siegel, who was on a university challenge. Yes. And he, he didn't like Marmite. So they went, right, Bobby. Yeah.

Also, for context as well, Bobby Seagull is the most positive person you've ever met. He's actively trying to be positive about everything. Right. And would never in a million years, if someone was doing any sort of like mentalism on him or hypnosis, ever admit if it wasn't working. He's a people pleaser. Yeah. Okay. So it was perfect. We watched him go through all of these exercises they set up with Marmite of him getting like, now imagine I've got my Marmite here, Bobby. What are you going to do?

Move closer to the Marmite, closer to the Marmite. And then he was imagining eating the Marmite. He's like, and what do you feel about Marmite now, Bobby? And he went, yeah, I like it actually. Yeah.

You could tell. Total bullshit. A bit of a leapfroozy ask in his face going like, it's good, isn't it, Bobbitt? You like it, Bobbitt? And did they then get him to try it for real? The next morning at breakfast, they got him to try some Marmite. He's like, oh, it's nice, yeah. And they walked away from the table. You could just see him like absolutely gutted that he'd eaten Marmite. He was eating it on its own. Like he had a pot and he was putting his finger in and just into his mouth. So much Marmite that even people who love Marmite wouldn't do that. Yeah, you wouldn't.

I love Marmite, but even like a tiny bit of it on its own, I have a real, like it really makes me wretch. You want to hang out with the Speakmans? I think what they did with him, and maybe you can vouch if this would work. So they basically said, think of a food you love. Yes. And we're putting that over here. So they like gestured it's over in this part of the room. And as we move this pot of Marmite closer to that, how do you feel about it? Yeah. And then eat the Marmite. That was what...

I remember it being. That's your NLP stuff going on. Right, yeah. I think there's, I remember I cured someone of a cat allergy like that and using a sort of similar thing. Just really curious to see if it would work. And I say cured, but it was sort of like, it definitely worked there and then. Because when he was talking about cats before, he was even just talking about them and thinking about them, it was making him sneeze and everything. And then he didn't afterwards. So there's that.

Okay, you've created, like, but that's not a real cat yet. It's just how you feel differently. And then apparently he was better with the cats, but I think it didn't really last, like, you know, after a few weeks or a couple of months or whatever, he was back to where he was. So really, yeah, hard to say. But it does have, it can have some effect. We thought Bobby Seagull was just being polite. I think he was just being polite, yeah. What he should do is go, hmm.

Yeah, yeah. He was actively making those noises. So maybe it did help a little bit, him doing that. I find Marmite and mint sauce is the other thing that I love, but I can't have it on its own. Just a thing. Yeah, yeah. It's rare that you're in a situation where you might end up having Marmite or mint sauce by itself. But you're going to do it once if you like both of them. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's true.

There was a salad in the pub that I used to work in, this chain pub, that was just basically, I mean, I can't remember any of the other ingredients, but there weren't many other ingredients. Basically, just mint sauce and red onions. I got hooked on it one day. I couldn't stop eating it. Just this. It certainly explains your breath. Yeah. I'll stink. For the listener, I'll stink.

That's amazing. Hearing you say it back, as beautifully as you did, yeah, that's gorgeous. That's a great menu. You've heard that. Please, now confirm to the listener that envelope hasn't left you. This has been in front of me all the time. If this contains my menu choices, there's no explanation. You've had it there and you've signed it over the thing. If you could open it and just read to the listener what it says inside.

In here, the envelope says prediction on the front of it. I've removed a sheet of paper. Yes, here we go. I'm removing it. It says, Darren's menu. Here we go. Water, olive oil. We got that one wrong. That's wrong. But you always get one wrong. You've got to get one wrong at the top. I did have a moment there of thinking, oh my God, this is actually going to be a big one. Well, you always get the first one wrong. You always get the first one wrong. Yeah, yeah. Failure. Dropping a ball. All right.

Poppadoms or bread? You've put egg McMuffin in a cigarette. Always get the second one wrong. Always get the second one wrong. Starter clams? Mame? Candy floss? Flumbade? Well, okay. Not far off. You're not far off. Side spaghetti hoops boiling hot? Nearly. Like lava? Nearly. I've had it like lava. Spaghetti hoops is close. Drink an ice cold beer? Desserts?

Dessert, nothing. We ran out of room. We didn't really space out the menu enough and we ran out of space. We ran out of room. We had to just leave it dessert. Went out of space. I'm framing this. Yeah. We've got spaghetti. Well, I mean, yeah. I mean, in a sense, they're all correct. You've got the spaghetti hoops and spaghetti. Hoops are circles like meatballs. Yeah. A nice cold beer. In a sense. Candy floss. Comfort food. Yeah. Yeah.

Clams. Well, I mean, clams are by the sea. Pompeii's by the sea. Yeah. They probably were feasting on clams when it all struck. We talked about all of this. All of it was in the salad. Yeah. Eggnog muffin.

and a cigarette that's my favourite I think you peaked peaked early yeah that one he's wrong and olive oil was correct that's what I said so yeah pretty good phenomenal pretty good you just got Devin Browned

It's time for the annual section of bits that don't quite fall into a category, so we've labelled them anecdotes. Lazy from Benito. It's Olga... That is the awful way of writing. He hasn't even bothered with these ones. Here's Olga Koch, Helen Skelton, Noel Fielding, Rose Matafayo, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Katie Wicks, Jason Manzoukas and C-Mat.

That sauce, it's like tomato, it's like cocktail sauce, right, they call it? Yes. It's very horseradish heavy. It's very horseradish heavy because I had it a lot when I was in the States a couple of years ago. And sometimes it's almost too punishing for me. It gets in your nose. Yes, yes, that's what horseradish does. Truly. So I grew up, my mom's party trick, when she was at a dinner party, I remember growing up,

and like things were kind of maybe dying down. She was like, let's do this to, to get, to get the party back going. She would propose to have either a mustard or a horseradish eating competition. So she challenged the biggest guy at the dinner party and be like, I bet I could eat more horseradish than you. And the guy could be in tears and she would never shed a tear. And I would be like, Oh mom, you're the coolest girl ever. That's so funny. Every time. The atmosphere is dropping. People are leaving. All right.

What's going to make people stay? Biggest guy at the bar. Yeah. This poor guy doesn't want to do it. You, big fella. You're going to let a horseradish on me. Oh, God damn it. Even though size has absolutely nothing to do with tolerance for horseradish. But it was more impressive the bigger the guy was. Yeah. She would just eat it with a spoon. And so I come from a horseradish forward family. Do you think you could do that? I don't think I could. Oh, I don't think I could beat my mom. But I do think I have a higher tolerance than a lot of people.

What condiment do you think you could eat the most of? Yeah, just with a spoon. Just with a spoon. So glad you asked. Yes. I want to say garlic mayo from like any kebab shop. Oh, that's good. Like I want it in the big thing with a squeezy at the top. Yeah, straight in the mouth. Yeah, yeah, straight in the mouth. Someone's just stepping on it. Yeah, that's a good answer. What's yours? I mean, now it's hard to not just say that because... Are we counting pesto as a condiment? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's your nightmare. That's just bits. No, I love that. Yeah, do you know what that should be? That's a hundred percent bits. Maybe it's just anything I had as a child that had bits in it. I can eat pesto from the jar like a big yogurt. Yeah. Yeah. One hundred percent. Pine nut forward. Pine nut, pine nuts. Yeah. Big load of cheese in there as well. Just like really oily as well. Oh no. No. I've got a new one. Like,

Laogamma chili oil. Okay. We go through that in our house. I can eat that. I genuinely eat that from the jar. Wouldn't it be too spicy? No, it's not too spicy. It's salty as well. It's sweet. And it's mainly bits. It's the crispy chili bits in chili oil. I've just bought a 700 gram jar of it. Lots of balance as well because it's giving you... It's not just one flavor. It's every flavor you need. That goes on everything. James? I guess...

sour cream sauce, like the dip, sour cream dip. Would you not feel ill immediately after eating a few spoons of sour cream dip? You could just, I guess, imagine it's yogurt. Yeah, yeah, it's very tasty. I could do that. I mean, and we know that in the past I've eaten a whole jar of salted caramel sauce before. Yeah, that's true, but that was, you were angry when you did that. I was very cross. What was the context? I was sticking it to an X. Oh, okay.

Making sure she couldn't have any of it when I was cleaning my stuff out the house. It's like bad luck you ain't getting any of that sort of caramel that I bought. Oh, and you leave the empty jar? I bought it the day before we split up. Then she broke up with me. I'm like, oh, God, leave this jar behind. She's going to reap the rewards of that. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Not on my watch. Not on your watch, but also not on your watch was just taking it with you. You stood in the kitchen and ate the whole thing. I didn't want it to lose its form. With like cookie or nothing? Just straight up? On its own, just with a spoon. I thought I'm allowed to do this. Now calories don't count. I'm grieving a relationship. You really showed her. I did show her. I don't think she noticed. I mean, hopefully she'll listen to this podcast, but I don't think she's a fan of mine. LAUGHTER

That's a good question, man. What condiment could you eat the most of just with a spoon?

I also don't know if frosting counts, but I do remember at my peak sort of 15 year old, because you know, I don't know what your relationship with food was when you were teenagers, but it was for me, for me, it was like a competitive sport. And so it's like three sleeves of Oreos. Let's go. And I would like my, I guess, party trick. Maybe now that I'm saying this is it's, it runs in the family, Betty Crocker, chocolate icing, just for the spoon. Biggest guy in the school. Yeah.

You, me and Betty Crocker outside. We used to go to a pub that served half pint glasses full of wasabi peas. And my party trick was downing a half pint of wasabi peas. Oh my God. But wouldn't it get dry? The throat would get so dry. Yeah, awful. Really bad. That's like a cinnamon challenge. And it's so spicy and it's right in my nose and I'm crying. That's the man who said that. Yeah. Who's challenging you? No one. You're like, come on. You bet. You bet I can't do it. I would be like, well, nearly last orders. I feel like the Atmos is dropping off. I want to go on somewhere else. Yeah.

Half a pint of wasabi peas, please, barkeep. And I was the biggest guy in there, so I had to challenge myself to do it. In the middle. Yeah. You big. So your mum never lost, though? Never. No. She's amazing. She's amazing. Also, really sad thing happened that, like, also one of her things is that, like, she has a really good sense of smell.

she's a very eccentric lady. She can like identify anyone's perfume. Everyone always is like, nose is so open all of the time. And so she, um, she,

She can smell, identify absolutely anything. It's amazing. It's incredible. Also was a nightmare because it's like she obviously could tell if you were like out drinking as a teenager. And so after COVID, she lost her sense of smell. She still hasn't gotten it back. And now it's like she literally had an identity crisis. She was like, I'm not using deodorant anymore. Fuck you guys. Yeah, it was really, really sad. And now she's like kind of reinventing herself because she...

Who is she without her sense of smell? But can she take more horseradish now? I wonder. She could take that show on the road. She could be like one of those competitive eaters. She could be my opening act. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because a prawn cocktail opener. Can you imagine just eating the cocktail sauce? Fuck, that would be so cool. So cool. Before I do the show, guys, this is my mum. She's going to eat a bucket of cocktail sauce. She doesn't mind the urgent fair warning. Yeah.

She fucking sticks. So everyone get ready for that. Fun row, I apologise.

My grandparents lived in Rothwell. Oh, yeah. So my grandma would always go to Leeds Market and bring back, I'd say, sackfuls of broken biscuits. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Absolutely love it. Why are broken biscuits should be more expensive, I think. Yeah, yeah. They're the best. My first job was just down the road from McVitie's factory. And I used to do breakfast. I used to have to go to work every morning at 4.30. But it was so good because I had to go past the factory. And on the way back, they sell off the boxes of broken biscuits. Do they? Yes! Oh.

I wish the Wheatbeaks factory did that when I was growing up. There's less of a good smell from a Wheatbeaks factory though. Yeah, it's a disgusting thing. If you enjoy a factory, I did a whole series, you know, on factories. Did you? McVitie's, Walker's, Heinz. Food factories. Guinness. Yeah. There was another one. Wasn't my best work. What was your favourite?

What was your favourite factory? Well, I was pregnant with my least favourite because I was pregnant with my third child was Heinz. I thought you were about to say I was pregnant with my least favourite child. No, my least favourite is not a child. I won't say which one. No, yeah, I filmed this series in food factories, super brands. Oh, Warburton's. That's a great factory smell. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But Heinz beans, when you're heavily pregnant, you do not want to put your head in a big massive vat of blanched beans. Oh God. It's not great. But is that, would you say for all pregnancies or is that specific to yours? Do you think that beans made you feel ill? Because some people might have a craving for it, right? It might be the best thing possible. Well, that,

combined with I spoke to the wonderful people who do the testing they have people who do the quality control and they just all day taste cold bowls of spaghetti hoops alfabeti spaghetti cold soup all of that and that's their job is to just constantly taste stuff a couple of hours of that coupled with the blanched beans it wasn't a great day for me I don't I didn't meet these people and I've not seen the show I don't want to cast aspersions but I bet those people look awful yes

No, no. And they've all worked there for like 40 years. They look like ghosts, Helen, let's be honest. Yeah, surely. I mean, as I say, it was a dark time in my life. I was just trying not to be ill. I think those people would look like...

You know, have you seen The Descent? No, actually you're wrong. Very happy. No, no, no. Can't have it. They were so happy about their cold bean tasting. Yeah. They think they're happy. But they look like they're in The Descent. They look like they've not seen daylight for years. I've not eaten properly. No, they gave me a personalised bottle of ketchup. I can't say anything negative. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. We live quite near a bread factory.

me and my wife and during COVID when we'd go on our little cycle every day we'd really treat ourselves if we went the bread way cycle past the factory and cycle through the smell that was our one bit of hope and excitement during COVID Guinness that was another good smell yeah you can do that in South London cycle past hops places yeah god we're old now aren't we yeah

I'm going to have to go fizzy over still though. But yeah, I've ruined fizzy by having it in taps. It doesn't taste the same taps. Yeah. It's a bit weird. So for your dream meal, you probably wouldn't want it out of a tap. No. Also, I heard Bob saying one, Bob Mortimer saying that it dried his mouth out fizzy water. And I thought, how can water dry your mouth out? No,

No one queried him on that. And I was thinking, there's no point. He won't answer us. I think we'd already done like half an hour before we got to water. So just let him say that. Yeah. We've got to get to sugar and tea. I think I'm going to go fizzy, but you know, when people order, you know, people make quite a big deal now about ordering tap water, don't they, in restaurants. I hate that. It's

It's really arsey, isn't it? I'll have tap water, thanks. I'm not paying for your water. You're in Heston Bloomingdale. It's not going to hurt. I'll have tap water, thanks. But really angry. Well, you never know what Bloomingdale's going to do to the water, though, do you? Who orders tap water? Is there a pond around here? Just go and take this ladle and just go. Well, for you, if you order tap, you could mean fizzy water. Yeah. That's what you're used to.

Yeah, that's true. I mean, if you can get fizzy water in your taps, why don't you just get Umbongo or something? Yeah, that's a good point. Cream soda? It feels like the sky's the limit if we're getting sparkling water. I've got sparkles. I mean, imagine that. Would Umbongo be the dream thing to have at the tap? I think so. That sort of dirty, pink, fruity liquid. Purely for the song and the advert.

Would it play the song every time you pour yourself a glass? Yeah. The only good thing about having it come out of your taps is you go, do you want some water? And when people come around and you go, sparkling or still? And they go, oh, this guy's got some, this guy's got some quality about him.

Imagine going, Mbongo? Dressed you in some Mbongo? I've got it piped in. They'd be like, oh, this guy's a serial killer. But you're one of the few people that people would go, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got Mbongo coming out of his cup. Makes sense, yeah. He had Mbongo coming out of his taps. He washes with it. He has a full shower. It's really weird. It's one of the stickiest men you could ever meet. Is it still a thing, Mbongo?

I think it is. Is it? I think it is, yeah. I haven't seen it in ages. You can still get it. You can still do it. Is the carton the same? Yes, it's pretty much the same. Have they done that thing, though? This is what I don't really like about... All those weird things from the 70s and 80s were quite unhealthy, but they were delicious. And they sort of go, hey, we're still party rings, but...

We're pretty healthy now. And you go, your party rings, dude, you don't need to go. Yeah. It's like, they've sort of gone quite dull. Remember, party rings were luminous almost. Yeah. You could sort of see your way through a dark forest with a party ring. It's like it had been laminated with plastic.

A party ring was nuts. But like party rings are now quite dull. They're sort of a weird natural colour. Google party rings, Benito. Google image. They used to be so bright. They were luminous yellow. Yeah. You knew they were bad for you, but they tasted amazing. Yeah. They were the colour of Mr. Blobby. Yeah.

Do you think they have changed? Because you know how when you're a kid everything seems bigger? Do you think it's also a case of when you're a kid everything seems brighter? Maybe. Maybe, yeah. Your eyesight goes as you get older. Your heart rate rings a dollar. Yeah, that's not how I remember it. Your screen brightness turned up to max. Yeah. They're almost muddy. They're muddy looking. That's a dark pink, isn't it? Yeah, that's not good. Oh. That's where the brightness turned up to max. The yellow's still quite good.

It's all right. I'd like to liquefy those and have them coming out my taps. Yeah, that'd be good. Liquid party rings. I can make that happen for you as the genie if you want. Do you want that as your water course? As your water course, yeah. Liquefied party rings. We'll change it to that. Liquefied party rings. Yeah, sounds good.

And then maybe, if I'm feeling insane, a tiny sliver of the onion one. But not now. Not at this age. Not at this age. What's happened at this age? Onions, man. Onions. Not your friend. I've recently been diagnosed with silent acid reflux. Have you? This is an exclusive to the podcast. Here we go. It's never happened before. This is like when Stephen Fry went on Rihala Stipa. This is the emotional bit that you clip up. Yeah. I have been recently diagnosed.

silent acid reflux at the tender age of 32, which is a form of acid reflux where I don't get heartburn, but it goes all the way up and it has given me mild laryngitis for years now.

So it's silent acid reflux. Yeah. But deadly. Silent but deadly. Silent but deadly because it's not giving you heartburn so you don't know you have it. So it's fine then? No. No, because it gives you acid reflux in the night and stuff. So I've got to have Gaviscon, which is...

I cannot stand this stuff. It's terrible. I just want to nail down, if it's giving you acid reflux, but you're not feeling it. I'm feeling it. Right. But not, I'm not getting the heartburn. Okay. So it's silent in the sense that heartburn is usually the biggest symptom of acid reflux. Right. Which I have not experienced. So what are your symptoms then?

for acid reflux. Are you doubting? No, I'm not. I'm saying I'm trying to nail down. I don't know what the other symptoms are. So you said you're feeling it. How do you feel it? Coughing in the night. Coughing. Okay, thank you. Post-nasal drip. Post-nasal drip. Constant, relentless, mild laryngitis. Okay? Yes, thank you. Do you want a note? I got a note. A note from the doctor. Recently sent from the doctor. Silence. Silence.

Acid reflux. Well, it means that I have to stop eating late and figuring out what your triggers are. It's sad, isn't it? Yeah. I can't do onions. And onions are a real trigger for that. I think onions and garlic, isn't it? Yeah. It sucks, man. What was the final thing that made you go to the doctors and go, I've got to sort this problem out? But you didn't know it was an acid reflux at the time. Well, I completely lost my voice after a run of shows.

And so I went to the ENT doctor and he put the camera down my nose. Oh, no. And I saw my vocal cords, saw my throat. That was pretty freaky. Do you put a camera down your nose? Yeah, really good question. Back into your nose? Because I guess you go back and down, don't you? Back and down to the throat. Do you go up and back and down? It's up and back and down. It's up and back and down. Yeah, sorry. He did say that. He did say that he was doing it. He was like, up and back and down. Up and back and down.

This is something that we don't have here, but like I only know about through watching American TV shows or films is kids with their lemonade stands. Yeah, that's a real thing. I've never seen it. Yeah, it's a real thing. I see it all the time. You think anyone would attempt? No.

Love the lemonade? Ideally not with vodka. No, I don't. I don't. I mean, listen, at the lemonade stands, we'd be lucky to just get a decent glass of lemonade. Listen, lemonade itself. Really think about this. Lemonade itself is really an art form. Good lemonade with that nice balance of lemon,

water and sugar. Cause it's easy to mess up. It's like most of the time, lemonade is too tardy. Like when I order lemonade, I'm scared to order lemonade in restaurants. Cause I'm like, this is going to be crap. It's either going to be watered down.

You know, it's going to be too tardy. It's not going to have enough sugar. Well, here, I mean, I think I only heard about lemonade in the American sense, like a lot later in life, because here, growing up, lemonade would mean like Sprite or 7-Up, right? Sure. If you ask for lemonade in a restaurant, you're getting fizzy. Fizzy. Yeah. Got it. But that proper homemade lemonade, which is so good. Is it Sprite or 7-Up for you guys? I'd go 7-Up. I think I'd go Sprite. This is why we work well as hosts. Yeah.

Yeah, I think I'm 7up too. I think 7up is a tad sweeter, I think. Yeah, I think. With a bit of vodka in. I would bet there's less bubbles. In a dream, for sure. Listen, I'll take vodka in any damn thing. It's my favourite. I love vodka. If I may just roll back to the lemonade stands.

If you're walking down the street, how good would a kid's lemonade stand have to be for you to accept that they might be able to do lavender lemonade? There's a little kid and they've got a load of lavender.

And they've got all the other stuff for lemonade. And they're like, Jada Pinkett Smith, would you like a lavender lemon? How good does the setup have to be? What are you looking for? Let me tell you something. Let me tell you what. If I go to a lemonade stand and they're like, Jada Pinkett Smith. LAUGHTER

First for a kid to even know who the hell I am. Okay. Cause most of the time I'll be Jaden's mom, Willow's mom. And they even know anything about a lavender lemonade. They won. I'm like, run it. I don't even care what it tastes like. Run that lavender lemonade. The fact that you even know that a lavender lemonade exists and you know my name, you win.

James obviously loved the idea of you sat in the car waiting for the chips, thinking about what it would be like to be in love. Yeah, yeah, thinking about what it would be like to be in love. Yeah, that song is the first time I really... From that song, I thought being in love is just going to be so, you know, epic. It's going to be amazing. Also, I remember the music video for that song. It was number one for ages. I think it was 16 Week.

Yeah, so he wasn't turning up every week to perform it. Not on top of the pops. Not on top of the pops. So like, they would just show the video. Yeah, you're so right. But I hadn't seen that film. Do you remember, I just remember that, that like, bit. Was it Flaming Arrow? Yeah. Do you know what knocked it off? Because you know, you know like music trivia, don't you? I don't know that one actually. Yeah, it might have been like,

Is it wet, wet, wet? See, I'm just blurring all that era and stuff in together. It was definitely the 90s, wasn't it? Yeah. I mean, Think Twice by Celine Dion wouldn't have been long after that, but maybe... That didn't make me think about love. No. That made me think about thinking twice. The Chute Chute song by Cher.

Maybe. One of the original number ones. Yeah. Sometimes they would record the live performance on Top of the Pops and then just play that in, wouldn't they? Yeah, they would. Remember when they were in a few weeks ago. So lazy. But if you're Adams, and I'd say by the time it gets to five weeks at number one, if you're having to go into Top of the Pops every time, you're like, oh, that's okay. I nearly, I went to South Korea recently. This is related, I promise.

with a vegan and Tim Key. So this is the third diet. Is this a different vegan from the worm meal? No, it's like I'm in a throuple with Tim Key and a vegan is what I'm saying. We're really happy. And I went to South Korea and Brian Adams was

was playing and we nearly thought, oh, let's just go in, be funny. Yeah. We were looking for K-pop and we found Brian Adams. Brian Adams. The opposite. Yeah. That story doesn't go anywhere. I would have thought if you went to see Brian Adams, that would transport you back to thinking, what would it be like to be in love? I'd be there with my thruple. Yeah. I found love. I know exactly what it's like now. And it's twice, twice the fun. You too.

Which song? The Fly. I must have blanked it out. I must have been so devoured that I blanked it out. I remember sitting in my car wondering what it would be like to be a fly. Well, I told you about flies. I've literally, during this chat, looked down and realised that my flies are completely undone.

At least you've got something on. They are currently. I didn't want to do them up again. I'm going to check mine. My tits are hanging out. The whole thing. Is that alright? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what happens? Oh dear. The only clips we'll put out from this point, okay? Honestly, I'm fine with that. I could do with an image change. I'm absolutely fine with that. What about Katie? She's had an image change. What's she doing? She gets her tits out on podcasts. Leaves them out.

So, cause I mean, excuse me, I don't know what eggs are in what bread, you know, I never thought about it. I don't know what traditionally safe, you know, um,

Um, like a pretty, you know, I wouldn't just start, you know, freestyling sourdough if they put it down, I'd still ask, but he almost always, it's going to be safe. Yeah. Uh, you know, there's a couple of breads that are pretty, pretty safe, but, um, but I kind of steer clear of bread just because you never know when someone's going to be fancy and brush some egg on top. Sure. So it looks good or something like that. So what are the danger breads? What are the breads where you see them? And I'm like, I'm going nowhere near holla.

Big, huge, you know, brioche. These are like egg laden bread. These are like mostly eggs, you know, and they're, yeah, they have that glaze on them. They're very super dangerous. And restaurants are obsessed with brioche as well. They love it. And heartbreakingly, a bunch of years ago, everybody was like, oh, for hamburgers now, brioche buns. Yeah. No more like regular old buns that anybody can eat like you, Jason Manzoukas. No. No.

Brioche, fancy buns, everything's egg. At a certain point, it became everything had eggs in it. That was the absolutely devastating thing about the mixology craze, was that suddenly there was egg foam in cocktails? Yeah. And that was really wild to wrap my head around, because...

why would you ever think that that would be a source of danger? Like a cocktail? Like I went on a date once with a woman to like a, just a bar, no food. We had drinks. It was lovely. We kissed good night. And I was like, I have to go to the hospital.

But I was so confused. I was like, I'm having an allergic reaction, but I haven't eaten anything. And she was like, well, what are you allergic to? And I was like, eggs? She was like, oh, no. My drink had eggs in it. And I was like, why? I was like, why would you do that? That's disgusting. First of all, why would you order a drink that has egg foam?

foam in it. That sounds rancid in every way. So she had an eggy drink. Yeah. You kissed her goodnight. Correct. And then you had to go to the hospital. Correct. So you kissed the lady and then you said I have to go. I have to go. I had to stop kissing. I had to stop the... This was a successful date. Do you know how hard it is to get to the point where I'm like, this

has gone well. This is well enough that we are now the classic Los Angeles, let me walk you to your car. We are kissing at the car. This is going great. And then suddenly I'm like, I guess I have to leave and go to the emergency room. This is awful. Or take an EpiPen. Goodbye. And then she was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I was like, why? You didn't know. Why would you? You did nothing wrong except choose what sounds to me like a disgusting drink.

And were you dressed as Darth Vader? Yes, I was dressed as Emperor Palpatine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like he's had an allergic reaction, to be fair to him. He does. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that guy hates that. You should have said, I've got to go to the emergency room because you're too good at kissing. Yes. Oh, by the way, well done. Yeah, thanks. That's a good punch-up. She can tell everyone that forever now. She can be like, I once kissed a guy so good he went to the emergency room.

Have you, sorry, I'm going to go off on a tangent now because you said gingerbread and gingerbread is maybe my favourite thing in the world. Have you ever had, have you ever been to Cumbria? Yeah. Right. Are you aware that William Wordsworth's sister invented a patented type of

of Cumbrian gingerbread that you can still only buy from this one bakery in Cumbria. I'll tell you what. In Grasmere. I've never known. I've got it in my cupboard at home. Isn't it unreal? It's good stuff. I ordered two boxes of it because we just did a week of rehearsals because we're going on tour next in like a couple of days. I ordered two boxes of it to satiate the crew and the band and just every so often when someone looked like they were going to kill each other I would just like force feed them some Grasmere gingerbread. They're like, that's

so delicious I was like yeah I know it is distraction tactic but also the nicest shit I've ever had in my life I did not know this it's really good it's really really good do you know as well she sells she's dead it's Sarah Nelson she's long gone may she rest in peace they sell because it's covered in this like

crumbly bread crumb gingerbread bread crumb thing they sell big bags of just those crumbs for £3 so you can make it in like a cheesecake wow do you know like you can make a cheesecake with that or you can sprinkle on top of other things or just unreal it's only £3 straight in the mouth right if you buy those crumbs no one's made a fucking cheesecake with that

No, I would be shoveling straight into my mouth. Yeah. Do you know what? It's great stuff. This is about crumbs. You'll love this story, so I'm not sure I've told it on the podcast before. I don't remember a crumb story. My wife told me the other day that when she was a little kid at nursery and primary school, that if it was someone's birthday...

a cake would get brought in and rather than just everyone getting a slice, the teacher would make it into crumbs and then make all the kids sit there with their mouths open like that and then drop the crumbs into their mouth and it was called birdie crumbs. I do love that. Yeah, of course I love that. Yeah. That is really disturbing. It's pretty disturbing when you think about it, isn't it? Why would they do that? Yeah. Was there...

I don't know. All the kids are lined up with their mouths open and birdie crumbs. I definitely don't think any teacher would do that now. Even though it's not technically out of order.

I think you would still be like, I feel like I'm pushing some sort of boundary here. It's the one thing if they've like, you know, gotten, you know, like when you pull meat and you like shred it before, right? So they get the cake, they shred it up and then they like get a spoon and spoon it onto individual plates and then the kids do the birdie crumbs themselves. Well, you're telling me that an adult human went along the line and did birdie crumbs. made the children stand in a line and feed them birdie crumbs. Right.

Yeah, that's...

That's the bit. They may as well chew it and then spit it into their mouth like a fucking bird. Like, what's going on? Yeah. Pretty weird. Yeah, like Starlings. Starlings do that? Ace Ventura does that? Yeah, Ace Ventura does it in the second film. That film hasn't aged well at all. No. It's really bad. Neither of them have aged well. No, both of them got some... Yeah, yeah. Pretty bad. Jim Carrey hasn't aged well. In general. Like, not...

Physically, I think he looks fabulous. He looks great. Jim, you look great. We've had an unusual amount of cannibalism talk on the podcast this year. Yes, I guess we have. This is Sebastian Stan, Natalie Cassidy and Ella Purnell. Well, you are what you eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were in one film. In Fresh, you were what you ate. You were eating humans. That's right, yeah. Remember that? Yeah.

Yes. Wild. I do. Yeah. A lot of James's questions to actors are to, to say a film and then go, do you remember that? Which we're assuming you do actually. Not all actors we've had on do remember that. Yeah,

Yeah, I do. I mean, that was a lot of fun. Well, the scene when you're preparing it all, it actually genuinely looks quite delicious for a second there, which is worrying. Well, there was a chef on set who was preparing things right on the dot, but it's interesting when something gets passed and you label it a certain way because then you're looking at it differently and kind of looking for things in the meatballs, you know. Yeah.

but that movie, it's funny. I, I hear a lot about that movie. People still kind of come up and ask me about it. And I never, I never, I never knew how it was going to, it was going to do. I think, I think because it messes with your head a bit, that film, because it does make you, you're a very charismatic cannibal killer. Yeah.

And you do make the food look pretty delicious. It does get in the audience's heads more than if you were just like some crazed monster who we were terrified of. You kind of go, oh, maybe I want to be a cannibal. Sebastian Stan made it look quite nice.

How do you guys feel about European soda like an Orangina? I love Orangina. I mean, that's just, there's a real nostalgia for Orangina though. And the bottle's the shape of an orange. You can't fuck with that. It's good stuff. Again, sophisticated bottle. Yeah, really sophisticated bottle. Affordable luxury. We're back at it. That to me is like holidays when I'm a kid. Like being around a swimming pool or something, having an Orangina. A cold Orangina, baby. I wouldn't like the bits in it.

No. I think that gives the illusion of health, which I enjoy. Oh, that's good. Of course you didn't like bits when you were a kid. Of course you're one of those kids. Little pale kid who didn't eat bits. I had to eat bits all the time. I get made to eat bits. Yeah, because it would be a healthy boy. My mum got us yoghurts with bits in it.

And like, fruit juice with bits. I was like, I don't like bits. She's like, well, bad luck. Were you a crusts off kid as well? I wish. There's no way I could have got away with that shit. I had to have the crusts. Smooth peanut butter? No, crunchy peanut butter every time. Even though I would have preferred smooth. Of course you would have preferred smooth. Okay, okay, okay. Yep. It was just like my goddamn life, man.

I hated bits. When I was an adult, I was like, I'm never doing bits again. And I haven't. Have you not? I will not do fruit juice with bits. Like a fresh orange juice. I will grin and bear it, but I don't want it to feel like, it feels like someone's emptied a bag of pencil shavings in my goddamn drink. I hate it. This is bizarre, man.

But you've got to go bits, right? I love texture. No, no, no. I don't like that. Yogurt, I can hack the bits a little bit more, but I don't like it when there's the pulpy strawberry, horrible... So you're in Germany and it's purely flavour. You're not a texture guy. I love texture in the right... Good texture. Those aren't good textures. Those aren't good textures. Bubble tea? Actually, yeah.

Haven't done bubble tea, which I can't believe I've not done bubble tea yet. I've not drunk bubble tea, but I would like that.

The tapioca pearls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's nice. That's bits though, man. Yeah. Yeah, but they're like fun bits and they're not bits that feel like... Waste product. Yeah, the strawberry pulpy stuff is like... What strawberry pulpy stuff are you talking about? Are you talking about smoothies? Okay, yogurt. When you get yogurt that's got bits of strawberry in it. Do you mean a cotton pop? No, no, that's different. I love that. But like...

But like, I mean, when it's all mixed together already and you just open it and there's like pips in there knocking around. Yeah. And like, and bits of pulpy strawberry that's like, it feels like someone's like, like someone's skin.

I think this is more revealing than you realise it is. Yeah, that's a huge leap. No, no, no. Speak more on that. Yeah, like bits of people. Maybe that's in my head because I watched The Sight of the Snow last night and they eat each other in that. Right. Yeah, I think so maybe. Oh, is that the one with the team that gets stranded in the mountains? Yeah, the Uruguayan. Great film. But they don't put each other in yoghurt, do they? Well, kind of. They put each other in ice and eat the ice to help it go down.

So I guess if there was yoghurt available, they probably wouldn't have eaten each other. If there was yoghurt available. Yeah, we've got enough yoghurt to last us six months. All right, we're going to have to start eating each other and putting it in the yoghurt. Hang on, Terry.

I saw a film the other day where the main character has it almost raw, his steak, blue. Was he a bear? No, Jesse Plemons. And then his wife comes back. She's been away for ages. He doesn't trust it. It's his wife. So he asks her to cut off her finger and feed it to him. And she does it. And if you're...

partner if you were away for a bit yeah and you got home and your partner said i don't believe it's you cut off your finger sorry why does it work what's happened with the character i don't know can we wind back a bit i've still not seen this film so you're ruining it for me yeah but i don't understand why this happens why doesn't he believe what is he locked in a room is he blind doesn't believe it's her she's acting weird she's acting different she's eating chocolate cake she never used to eat chocolate right her shoes don't fit her anymore it's a weird film though isn't it

Sounds it. A bit weird. Weirder than EastEnders. Less realistic. Okay. Has there ever been a cannibal on EastEnders? Not that I know of, no. You've got to do that. Come on.

You've got to do it. You could come in and do that, James. Why don't you come in and be a weirdo that moves into the square and he starts doing it like as a... I'm not saying you're weird. No, you'd be acting, obviously. No, no, he is. Hey, listen, I'd gladly play a cannibal in EastEnders. Yeah. Who would you eat? Who wouldn't I eat? More like. You could eat Sonia. Well, listen...

Yeah. Sonia, first to go. What a CV that would be for you, James. Already full of garlic. Yeah. Delicious. Coming out the pores. Filled with mayo. Yeah, love that. I'd be quite good, I think, to eat. Who else is still knocking around in the square?

People that you might know. Ian Beale's still there? Yeah, Beale is there. He's got to be. Are you having a chunk of wood yet? Yes, I'd have wood, yeah. Maybe that'll just be it. I'll just eat Ian Beale. Because I think, like, longest serving cast member? Yeah, very much so. One of, yeah. I mean, it's a good... I think, what are you ending?

Yeah. For his character. Yeah. I'd at least give it a go, try and eat him. I think that, you know, maybe Stenders isn't ready for actual cannibalism, but a cannibal character who tries to eat Ian Beale. He has a... You'd get a lot of people watching that. Yeah, you would. Yeah. Just from the listeners of this, to be fair. Yeah. If I've got him in a big cauldron in a pot and he's like bound at the ankles and wrists. He's got a phrase that he says, he'd be going around in the cauldron and he'd be going, I've got this! Yeah, yeah. Nothing left!

Yeah, I'm like, keep on crying, Bill. It just seasons the pot. I'm not sure EastEnders is ready for a cannibal, actually. Yeah, no, I'm not sure either. Just maybe purely because it's on at half seven. Yeah. I think maybe a storyline where someone thinks that someone is a cannibal and they suspect someone of being a cannibal. It could be like a bit of a comedy storyline because their wife goes on holiday and they don't know and they're like, oh, he's eating her or something.

Everyone thinks I'm eating people. Yeah. Because it's just different stuff that I'm doing. I think you should stick to what you know, boys, because I think the storyliners at work are probably okay. They're okay. Well, take that to them anyway. I will. I will let them know. Let them know that the off-menu boys have got an idea. Yeah. They'll probably be very excited. Or that everyone thinks there's a cannibal on the square. Yeah. Hey, this was exciting in my house many years ago. I had the same dressing gown as Sonia. Excuse me? I had the same dressing gown as Sonia.

My mum was like, you got the same dressing gown as Sonia. That was exciting. That was big news in our house. What colour was it? It was like, it had a pattern. It was quite patterned. I'm trying to think of what one it was. Yeah, it was like. Why did you have a female's? I was going to say it was a unisex, it was a unisex dressing gown. Yeah. It was probably around the same time as the trumpet came in. Oh, so probably looking maybe 95. How old are you, Ed? I'm,

I'm 38. Are you really? Yeah, yeah. I'm 41. This is probably when I was 9 or 10, maybe. Yeah, so I would have been maybe 13, 14. Same dressing gown. Wow. Mad, isn't it? It's incredible. It's such a shame that we haven't got a visual of this. I know. Have you got a picture of it? I'm sure. I'll ask my mum. I'm sure. Google Sonia 13 dressing gown. Be careful.

I was planning on bringing that up, but I couldn't find a moment for it to come up naturally. So I just said it off the back of the cannibal chat. I think it works perfectly.

Yeah, happy with that? Yeah. We haven't even talked about you and all your mates eating each other on the island. This is a food podcast. I think seeing as we just talked about a bunch of school kids going to Adventure Island, we might need to just clarify that that's not what you're referring to, question mark? No, I'm not referring to that. I'm referring to you and your friends all ate with the plane crash. Yellow Jackets. Yes, yes. The TV show. I'd say lead with Yellow Jackets TV show.

You're burying the headline there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all ate each other. You and all your friends ate each other on an island. We've never had... Adventure Island when you took all your friends to Adventure Island. You gave them the donuts and then you ate them all. Yeah, yeah. You ate them all. Only one child returned back to London that day. And happy birthday me. Yeah, Yellow Jackets. But that's messed up. That is really messed up. We've never had anyone on the podcast before who's been that...

heavily involved in cannibalism and this is a food podcast. I know. It's a bit of a thing. I'm going to get a reputation because it's happened in two shows I've done. That one and Fallout. Yeah, people are starting to talk. Yeah. It's not good. But it's always in a situation where it gets a bit desperate, right? I'd hope so. It's never like, you've never been in a show where you're like, oh, I'm hungry, I'll just eat. No.

Well, in Fallout, I don't eat anyone, but the ghoul does eat other ghouls, sometimes humans, I think. Actually, I don't think he does eat humans. He makes arse jerky out of another ghoul's bum, obviously. It wouldn't make it out of his elbow, would it? Silly. Well, if you don't know your arse from your elbow. Wow. Best in the biz. He's the best in the biz.

Quick question before we go then. Okay. You've got another actor who you've worked with in the past. Yeah.

just who's it going to be? It has to be someone you've worked with. That's a really good question because are you going to go for, like what are the, what's the context, what's the circumstances? You've got to eat them. I've got to eat them because I'm desperate because I'm very, very hungry or you've got a gun to my head and you're like, you've got to eat them now but I'm not that hungry. How hungry am I? You're very, very hungry. I'm very, very hungry. Am I starving? Am I on like, is it a yellow jacket situation? It's a yellow jacket situation. So I want someone with like big muscles, right? Because then that's like more protein probably. Yeah.

Right? Who's the most muscular actor I've worked with? The guy that I threw up on was pretty muscly. He's not an actor that I work with. I mean, you're adding insult to injury there. But he is someone that I know that's got muscles. I'd probably eat him. Or Aaron. Aaron from Fallout. He's been working out a bit lately. Yeah. Yeah. I'll eat him. What's his surname? Moten. Aaron Moten. Aaron Moten. You're getting eaten.

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After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan. Now, part one had a toilet humor section. Part two has a filth section, apparently.

what are we doing with our lives? You can't write that down and make me say it. He's just written, what are we doing with our lives? He doesn't even put a question mark at the end of it. What are we doing with our lives? What are we doing with our lives? He's just written that and he's letting us, that's it. We've got to come out and act like we're ashamed of our filth and toilet humour. You are, I love it. I'm not ashamed of the filth and toilet. I'm ashamed of the podcast as a whole. I think it's pathetic.

Let's hear unbridled muck from Sarah Barron, Hamid Animashoan, Sebastian Stan, Phil Dunster, Olga Cox, Sarah Barron, Hamid Animashoan again, dirty boy, Sebastian Stan, and Phil Dunster again. I didn't know Sebastian Stan was so dirty. All I remember is that he loves pranks.

So basically I went from playing with dolls to your, there is so much fear in the eyes of the three men at the table, six eyes of fear. I went into diary writing. Yes. Okay.

And then diary writing, as I matured, turned into erotic diary writing. Wow. That was clearly me having some kind of exploration of the issues that we all confront.

Ed, have you ever been more, like, have you ever been less physically comfortable than you are right now? Oh, no, I'm fine. Are you fine? I want to hear some details of these diaries. Okay, then thank you so much. I will tell them. So my, it's, it's essentially what it is, is it's like pornography written by a child. Yes. Yeah. I'm slightly more uncomfortable now. If you want me to keep a tally on it. Yeah. Okay. I understand how that sort of ratcheted it up for you, but stay with me here. It's not the word child. It's the word child. And

pornography no one loves the combo the way around you said what did I say you said a pornography written by a child that's the way around I want those words to be if they have to be said near each other not a problem thank you thank you for the guidance yes thank you for the guidance so because I and also if it makes you guys feel more comfortable the characters in my head as I were as I was writing them like they were like 18

Right. Okay, so I'm like 12 and my characters whose story I'm writing are like 18. The protagonist is 18. The protagonist, Jenny. Because for a second I thought you were saying the other characters were 18. Because that would make me feel way worse. No, no. This is...

from the mind of a child. But you've, you're talking about. But she's thinking to her, right? Like the coolest people. If you're 12, it's like an eight, like a 17 year old. Are you kidding? When like you're 12, let's say 18, you want 18. I get it. I get it. Okay. So my spelling is bad, but I'm using proper language because that was how I was raised. Yes. Proper language. Yes. So repeatedly I make mention of boobs, boobs,

but I spell it Bob's repeatedly. I use the word penis, but I spell it. Pinus. So it'll be like, I took my Bob's and I'll put them on his penis. Like very, very, very strange. Um,

And then I didn't, like, there was, if you guys want to avoid eye contact in this next part, that's like completely fine. I'm looking right at you. Yeah, you're looking, it's so, there's like so much empathy in what you're doing in a way, because you're like, I really want to carry her through this. But also I want to make sure you keep talking about it, because I am finding it very funny. Okay, okay, that's good. So, and like weird shit happens, and like, so I had the thing, right?

I don't even think it was a sexual thing. I just think it was like an interest in Michael Bolton. Was he a thing over here? Yeah, sure. So wait, Ed, listen to me. Ed, Ed, Ed, you couldn't have sex unless some song from the album Time, Love and Tenderness was playing. So a consistent feature is like, hold on. Yeah, I've got to put on. I've got to go put on some Michael Bolton. Yeah. Ha ha ha.

And you always had to have champagne. Yes. You could not have sexual intercourse without like a... Without champagne. That was sort of how you began. And then once everyone was done, it was like, yeah. And then I didn't... Was Jenny having sex every day? Yeah, she had sex multiple times a day, every day. And she'd go to like a car and she'd like, you know, she'd do it in a car. There'd have to be champagne in the car, right? There's champagne in Michael Bolton. It's like, it's just there. She'd go to like a party and be like, hey...

He's like, hey, you feel like doing it tonight? Oh, wow. She's very forward. Yeah, I'd be like, hey, you feel like doing it tonight? And then the guy would be like, yeah, I can do it tonight. And then they'd go into a room at wherever the house party was and he'd be like, would you like a glass of champagne? And then you put him in and he'd do it. Get his penis out. I get his penis out. But interestingly about his penis is I didn't understand

I thought the reverse about erections. Well, you thought they were hard all the time and they weren't soft for sex. Not quite. Although basically, when I hear someone else say it back to me, it's so much better. It was that I thought if an erection went on too long, you had to stop. It was like, calm that penis down. I can't do this anymore. It's too hard. It's too hard. We got to soften that penis for this to continue. And then the grand...

The grand finale was I didn't understand like certainly for women the idea of orgasms were very very unclear. Yeah, I mean good. Yeah, thank God. Yeah, right, right

And I would... What do you mean good? Well, I would be more worried if Sarah, when she was 12, was writing with a full knowledge of all sexual intercourse. Well, I don't know. A lot of women would say that those kind of things need to be taught about more from an earlier age. I would agree, but I wasn't the one to carry that weight. I couldn't be educating the masses. Let's work on the spelling before we get into the intercourse. LAUGHTER

I think if you can't spell penis, you shouldn't be allowed to see one or touch one. Sure. I feel

I feel the need to say, I don't like, I don't, I think where this came from was a complete lack of exposure to anything real. Yeah. Like, I don't think I saw a piece of actual pornography until I was like 20. I mean, really remedial shit. We didn't need it. You know, look at this brain, boy, the sexy brain. Um,

So there'd be like talk about mounting feelings, but then I didn't understand what would happen. And so the characters would just piss all over each other. And then his penis something and I peed on him. I feel we've really opened with one of the most...

Oh, did you not see the pee-pee coming? No, there was no ramp up to it. You didn't see pee-pee coming? There was no disclaimers. It was just straight into they peed all over each other. Oh, because it was like, and then he peed on me, and then I peed on him. So when Jenny was doing it with someone, you go to the house party, you go to a room, champagne, Michael Bolton, and they'd look at each other and then just both urinate on each other straight away. No, it would be like they'd be, I said humping a lot.

It'd be like humping, humping, humping. So my dream start would be chili salted corn ribs. Oh yeah. Lovely. Love corn ribs. When did corn ribs first come into your life? Mate, I tried it a couple of years ago. My wife went out for dinner and we saw it on the menu, corn ribs. And we were like, corn ribs? When did that ever come into? How is that a thing? Yeah, let's give it a go.

It's so good. Delicious. They're incredible. I think I might have had them for the first time. There's a restaurant called Fallow in London and had them there. And then I think suddenly they're everywhere as well. I think they started doing them at Oaxaca or something as well. You've tried to make them, right? I've made them loads. I love making them. But I don't want to have to chop up a cob.

chopping up the cob is hard. I will admit. Yeah. But yeah, I've got a good technique now of how to do it. Yeah. I'll get through them a lot quicker. The first time anyone listening, if you're planning on chopping up some cobs, the first time you, you might just be careful because it's very easy.

to just like end up with a knife in yourself, in your belly, really. Cause that's like chopping board height. And then when the, when the cop disappears from underneath the knife. Yeah. So you just, just take it slow. But now I'm all over that. It's great. And then, and, and you make them really quickly.

toss them in a bowl with all the whatever you want chili salt in this case yeah delicious love it so good so good and you can pretend like when it says corn ribs what creature do you imagine the ribs have come from I've imagined Jolly Green Giant oh okay yeah

It's quite small ribs for the Jolly Green Giant. Yeah. He's got a lot of them. Oh, is that what you imagine you're eating? Yeah, yeah. Jolly Green Giant's ribs. Right, okay, yeah, yeah. Someone's caught him and killed him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'm eating his ribs now. Do you imagine that they're from a creature? No, I've never thought of it that way. No, weird. It's weird, actually. Well, yeah, it's the only creature I can think of who would have sweet corn ribs is the Jolly Green Giant. Yeah, that's true, actually, yeah. I hear that. I think he would definitely have sweet corn ribs. And maybe...

a cornless cob as a penis, a cornless cob. Yeah. So all the corn will be off of it. I can't imagine him having a corny penis, a corn on the cob penis, but I can't imagine him just having a cob penis. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, if he had a corn on a cob penis, he'd probably have to see someone. Yeah, yeah, he would. Nobody wants a corny penis. No one wants that. No, because no one's penis is made out of the same thing as their ribs are. Yeah, that would be mad. That would be crazy. Yeah, if your ribs and your penis are the same, then see a doctor. That's actually a very important message for anyone listening. I heard that the Jolly Green Giant's had one of his corn ribs taken out so he can suck himself off. That's why there's no corn on the cob. LAUGHTER

He had to go around it sideways, though. He knows what he likes. You usually get put with Anthony Mackie with junkets when it's like Marvel stuff. So you two have to sit and do the interviews together. Yeah, yeah. I'm pretty sure that happened because about six or seven years ago, because I was so bad.

At Junkets, I was always so quiet that they're like, we need to give him the loudest man on the planet.

To revive him. And he, and he does. I mean, Anthony is just so you guys would have such a blast with him on the, on the show. Like he, he's, he's big time. It seems in an interviews, is he got a boat or something? Or was that just in the show that you guys did? No, no, no. He has a boat. I think he has a boat. He also goes fishing. He goes hunting. Yeah. He's been trying to get me down there to go hunting with him for a long time. I'm like, Anthony, I don't,

Can you imagine me with a rifle down there in the backwoods of New Orleans? I mean, but it would be fun. I think we should, I would do that with him and film it because it just would be ridiculous, you know, in a good way. Oh, people would watch a whole series of you two go and hunt together. Yeah. Into the wild. But he loves that thing. Like, you know, he'd be the one to on that. There's those shows, you know, that, that take actors, uh,

and put him on a mountain and then they have to kind of like survive. Yeah. That wouldn't be me. That wouldn't be you? No. How long do you think you could survive on a mountain? What's he got with him? What have they given him? Good question. I don't think it's, I'm not thinking of that show, uh, naked and afraid, you know, that show. Yeah. That's when they're naked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You've got more than that. I'm imagining like you've

You've got some water. Yeah. I mean, it's not a sign up to naked and afraid. Is he Sebastian Stan? Naked and afraid. Just the one way to go out. Like the last hurrah return to innocence. Yeah. Quite a good end to the career. I don't know who, why anyone agrees to that show, to be fair. No, it's fascinating, isn't it? Like, I don't know either, but, but,

There are people that do really well on it. Yeah. I mean, somebody's cut out for it. But I just think no matter how well you do on it, you're still butt naked on TV the whole time. And you've got to carry around the mic in a little bag and it looks really undignified. There's no winners. Have you seen naked attraction? Have you seen that? I have seen it. We were just talking about it. Well, you just talking about it. Yes. Cause we're talking about wild shows here. And that one, uh, that's hilarious, isn't it? It's like, it's,

It's really like a car accident. You're just constantly enamored. Yeah. Just the way the thing slides up and then from the feet to the middle is some of the worst moments on TV I've ever seen, I think. Imagine being behind that screen when it's got above your dick. Yeah. And just thinking, I actually hope that I get eliminated now because I'd like them not to see my face for this to go on TV. You know what I mean? That's right. At that point, I'll be like, I'm happy going home at this point. But they've got to be...

I mean, I wonder what the submission process for that is. What are the questions that they ask? I think they just send through a photo, a full-length naked photo, but the producer looks at it on really slow internet, so it loads up faster.

from the bottom so they can imagine they can imagine the reveal of the body sometimes I pretend to be on negative track I've got electronic blinds that's amazing flatly goes into a courtyard in a certain place yeah yeah so who's judging you the postie the postman the various people well one of the most common problems is uh the blokes who go on it um

very afraid of, you know, looking small on TV, trying to make it look as impressive as possible before going on. But then there's a very fine line. Yes.

where if they just get all the way boner, they got to go home. It's like, we can't put that on TV. Right, right, right. So they're like, I've got to make it as impressive as possible without getting too impressive. Yeah. But that would be even so... Sorry about this, Sebastian. It'd be so psychotic, wouldn't it? Like, you're like, your brain's just trying to figure out where to send blood to begin with. And it's like, you're just like, there, there.

now. There's a million people that are on the other side just waiting. Apparently the studio is freezing cold as well. So they're battling against the elements. That's not helping. Is anyone doing anything particularly interesting with the poppadoms? Are they doing cheesy garlic poppadoms?

I think we've had cheese on them. Melted cheese pop it on sandwich. Yeah. Yeah. We have. Someone chose that. Cause then I promised that I'd eat one in the bath for some reason. Yeah. And then he still hasn't done it. And by the way, in the episode where he promised he would do that, absolutely adamant. He was going to do it. Like me saying, you're not going to do that. Him being like,

I absolutely guarantee you that I will. As soon as the episode went out and people were asking for it, he went, I'm not doing that. There's no way. As if I'd do that, why would I do that? That's a comic reliever. That's like baked beans, about

Bath of baked beans. Yeah. Classic. What was it? Eating a poppadom in the bath? Eating a poppadom cheese sandwich in the bath. Okay. He certainly was going to do it. I mean, if Comic Relief get hold of you and ask you to do it, you do it? I just don't think it would make a lot of money for them, really. I disagree. If they're asking you, they know their stuff. Bath of beans, I get it. It's like, oh, gross, I'm sat in a bath of beans. I understand why that was a thing. Yeah. But just someone having a normal bath eating something. To be honest, I think Comic Relief would get more people to donate if they said it

is this celebrity having a normal bath? I think a lot of people would be like, great. Great. Yeah. Yeah. Gabble's dick. My dick. I don't bath with my dick out the bath. Well, you'd be naked with the bath. I mean,

I'm in my bath. Where are you filming it from? You've got see-through water. Yeah, but I might have bubbles in it and I might be shooting it from the bath. I'm not shooting it from, I'm not getting a drone and shooting it from above. It's not up to you. Come at me for filming it. I don't want to do it. I'm out. They know what's going to get people donating money. Is Ed Gamble in the bath? Is the drone shot? There's his dick. He's naked. There's his dick. There's his dick. But, but, but, but,

but with a poppadom, a cheesy poppadom over it, like a fig leaf of Adam slash Eve. So you can... But hang on, I'm eating it though. So as I take a bite, am I revealing more and more of my dick? Yeah. It's a, you pay to stay situation. The more you pay, you can see more of your dick from under the poppadom. Very generous mime there, Phil. Yeah. It's good. It's good stuff.

Alright, well if Comedy Relief get in contact, I'll speak to them. Yeah. You should speak to them. I think that's good. I think you get a lot of people donating when they realise that actually the beans were doing them more harm than good for getting people to chip in. Or failing that.

just do it on OnlyFans. Yeah, I was going to say, I don't think Comic Relief want to make that sort of leap into OnlyFans content particularly, do they? Well, they've got to decide just how much they want to help people. Like, who cares about dignity at that point? It's raising the money. Comic Relief have got to stop worrying about their brand. Who gives a shit? Are people worth off in the world? Get out, get out, gamble's dick on the telly. On the telly?

I thought this was online content. Hold on a minute. Comic Relief is purely... Comic Relief goes all night. Okay, so I'm on later. I'm not like 7pm, Lenny Henry's like, welcome to Comic Relief, let's have a look at this guy's dick. No, no, no. No, this is a late night one. This is when, like, you know, one of the more edgy comics is hosting it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then they go to you in the bath. But bear in mind, Ed, it's under the water. They're not going to get a good...

idea of the size because it's like magnification yeah but you can never tell with magnification sometimes it might do the opposite oh you reckon yeah i'm just getting my excuses in early yeah i've got a haunted house dick also you've got to make sure that you sit don't like sit too low in the bath so it floats up and it's like you don't want you don't want your boy bobbing up and down i do i think peeking out the surface i think i do like like nessie like it float like nessie

But that requires up and down. Nessie was three. Yeah, Nessie's really boasted. If you've got a Nessie, do it. Yeah, that's incredible. I was right. You should get that on Comet Relief. Yeah, that's incredible. It is a bit like Nessie in that only very few people have seen it and they're all mad.

The most delicious, now that I've been eating meat for like a year now, the most delicious has to be the lamb at Alkaff in Whitechapel, which is a Somali restaurant. And it's lamb that falls apart. It's one of the most delicious things. There's not much there on the plate other than the meat because the meat speaks for itself because it's lamb that's been cooked for ages. And it's melt in your mouth. It's absolutely delicious. But apart from the fact that it is one of the most delicious dishes I've ever had,

I realised that it had that Ratatouille reminded me of childhood moment. Great. Because my grandmother was raised in Kazakhstan. And in Kazakhstan, they make something called Bishbarmak. Another bloody country thrown in. You can't handle how many countries. It's such a global family. Its entire family tree is one street in Wimbledon. So, like...

Ireland, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she used to cook a dish called birsh barmak, which is local to Kyrgyzstan and Kazakhstan. And it is that fall-apart lamb with some egg noodles in it and some raw onion. It's the most delicious thing you'll ever... It's just meat at its purest form. We're not talking seasoning. We're not talking marinade. It's like...

is the fucking fattiest lamb you've ever eaten in your life. Wow. And it's going to blow your mind. Heaven. But also, she was, sorry, I'll stop talking. You can interrupt me at any point because I can talk about lamb. Absolutely, while you're a guest on our podcast. When you're talking about food on our food podcast when you're a guest.

Well, this one goes on a bit. Quite a lot to say about food, actually, weirdly. So my grandmother who grew up in Kazakhstan, Nina, all of her grandmothering revolves around fear-based things. So she's like, don't eat too much sweets because your butthole will still get

stick together. She would tell me that. When I was growing up and I would be terrified to eat too munchy sugary sweets because like the syrup-ness of the sweet. It would stick your butthole together. Yeah, and you don't want that. Your grandma would say it would stick your butthole together. Pop a sleep nitzer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you'd be like terrified because you're like, oh, I can't eat any more chocolate. Is that like a phrase? Like a phrase that she was using? I've never heard anyone say it other

than her. Or was she genuinely saying to you, your butthole will literally stick together if you eat too many sweets? Yeah, and as a kid you'd be horrified. And it was an effective tactic. Wouldn't have worked on me. No way. Win-win. How is that win-win? I don't know if I enjoyed going for dumps that much as a kid. Yeah, but you must have understood. It would be really...

It would be uncomfortable to have your butthole stuck together. Nah. Well, then you just get really full, right? Yeah, where's it all going? Well, I keep it in my body for longer. That's nice. I like sweets. But you don't like having the sweets in your body, right? You like the taste of them. I need to call my grandma. She'd be able to argue out of this. I'm considering sticking my butthole together. What were some of your other grandma's fear tactics? So one of them had to do with the lamb. Yeah. Okay, so because it's really, really fatty and really, really hot. Makes your butthole massive. Yeah.

If only. And then a girl can dream. So it's like, it's salty, it's fatty, it's really, really hot. And because it's so salty, you really want to drink cold water because it's really hot. But then I'm assuming it's kind of true or she just did it for fun. She's like, you can't drink anything cold because all the fat will just solidify inside you and you'll die. It's very, very body horror. All of your grandma's stuff is about being constipated in some way, right? Yeah, yeah.

So then you'd be, you'd be terrible. So you'd be so thirsty because it would be so salty, but you wouldn't be able to stop eating it because it would be so delicious. But then you would be so scared to drink anything cold because you didn't want it to solidify inside of you. And then you die. And then you die. So it's like, she would give you just like the hottest tea with it, which didn't help the thirst at all. Yeah, it's a sort of really panicked situation.

I have a nostalgia for this panicked figure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's got to be some sort of jeopardy involved, I guess, with whatever you're eating. Yes, you're battling the food, in a way. And so when I had that lamb at Alkaff, the Somali restaurant, it brought me back. It brought me back. Did you have a cold drink with it? No, I was too scared. I do this day, I'm too scared. Still won't do it. I don't know the science behind it, but I'm scared. What if it turns into aspic inside of me? Yeah. Every time you eat sweets, do you think about the butthole sticking together thing? Yeah, 100%. Yeah.

That stays with you. Yeah, it was going to stay with me. She wasn't even my grandma. Looking at the sugar content of a thing. Yeah. How much has my butthole got? Now, where's my butthole at the moment? My number one starter is the dream plate of nachos. The most incredibly done nachos that you have ever prepared. Yeah. My brother is a professional cook and I was back in Chicago for a birthday. I don't remember how old. And

And he said, like, what do you want for dinner? And I said, he's a professional cook in Chicago. Yes. Is he the bear from the bear? My brother, listen to this. My brother trained at Michelin restaurants, like did the whole thing in Spain, doing all that shit, comes to Chicago, trains and all these like Michelin restaurants and then opens a sandwich shop. And,

And so when the bear started, they go to my brother and they're like, would you consult on this show? And my brother is like, this sounds fucking stupid and no. And turned it down. And now he's like, because he, we pre-talked, our pre-chat was bear related. I have, my brother and I think a lot of other industry professionals do not die for the bear in the way that some of the rest of us do. But now he's watching it being like, I can't, it's,

such a phenomenon. And so on the one hand, he like hates it because he doesn't feel it's a realistic representation. But that is his story and his journey. So now if you guys are in Chicago, you will have to go there for one of his sandwiches. Nah, only if he was a consultant on the barrel would go. Yeah, I'm going to eat at his place. No, I'm too busy. I'm going to all the places that are owned by people. Except my brother's sandwich truck. I only eat food by people who are consultants on the barrel.

Just show up there. Look for someone who looks a little bit like me, but younger and a man. And then just say that and then leave. For listeners, James is wearing a t-shirt from the bear. I am wearing the original birth of Chicagoland. So this is mad. This is mad. This is mad that your brother is the bear, but also isn't the bear and hates the bear. Is your brother a hottie? Here's whether or not my brother is a hottie. Are you ready for this? All right.

They tried to use him as an arm consultant. No. So my brother was like not attractive. He was this very round, round boy. Which is great. Be a little round boy. Yeah. Fine. Grows up. Yeah. And is like so

Something happened. And he's still a husky boy. Husky, husky. But he got attractive. And there was this sort of window between him growing and being on track and before he had three kids and life gets difficult. And my friends would be like, your brother is so hot. Like, when I'm wearing your brother's hat. I'd be like, okay. And my parents are obsessed with my brother's hotness.

In our family, I am the natural byproduct of my parents. Like there are these two people and they're how they are. And I'm the child that they would have. The perfect combination of all of their things. I would say the shitty combination of all of their things. But thank you for the compliment. And then we won't be able to talk about what you've just said. So fair enough. And then they have this boy and he is this blonde, blonde,

beautiful, perfect creature. And they cannot believe that they made this child who's so perfect. And at my, my sister-in-law dark, but it will get funny again. I hope her father passed away and I went to the Jewish family. So I went for the Shiva, which is sort of like the wake. And so that's the environment. It's a Shiva and where people are mourning and,

And it was one of the occasions where my sister-in-law was like introducing my brother to all these friends and family for the first time. And I'm there with my parents and my father kept going.

watch people look at your brother for the first time. Watch people look at your brother. They can't believe how handsome he is. They watch the next time she introduced, they're like obsessed with his beauty. And he's not, what I always say about my brother's attractiveness is if I say nothing about it to people and then they meet my brother, they're like, your brother's kind of hot. If I go on about it now, when you guys see him, you'll be like, you really oversold how hot your brother is. So this has been this thing. And in my late twenties and his sort of early to mid twenties, I was like, Oh, I guess my brother is like a,

babe. I spent a summer in Chicago. So he's always lived in Chicago. And when I was in the States, I was mostly in New York and I was cycling. It's a great cycling city. And there are all these like really like, like six way intersection things or whatever. And I'm cycling. I'm like 28. I'm adorable. I'm peaking. I'll say it. You can't say it, but I was up. He can. I'm like a girl on a bike. Oh my God. Oh my God. I see across the way.

I see an adorable man also on a bike. Yeah. And he looks at me and I'm like, and I was just like, that like cute boy is looking at me. Like, that's so great. Like what will come of this? Because we're going to cycle past each other, but just, that's a lovely and flattering moment. Did you piss?

That would happen later. The light turns green. We cycle, cycle. We're looking at each other. We're fucking looking at each other. We get close enough. I'm like, that's my brother. That would be my brother. We stop. I'm like, I thought you were working. It was like, oh. We never spoke about it. Like, we were 100% checking each other out. Yeah. Oh, no. Never spoken about. Well, how do you know he was checking you out and he wasn't just like, oh, there's Sam. Because, I'll tell you.

First of all, that hurts my feelings. Second of all, because of the awkwardness that I could feel. And then years went by and I like started, I was like, oh, that's like a funny, it's like a funny thing that happened. And my sister-in-law does not find it amusing. But I think it was the moment where I was like, Benito is not pleased. Did your brother confirm that this was what happened when your sister-in-law doesn't like it? So I presume...

She's I've never said to my brother with whom I like to think I have a close relationship not sexual. Let me add. That's fine Yeah Yeah, I guess I guess if you're living in a world where you have to add it you go wonder why yeah Do you guys know that incest is like actually very common? I've never fucked my brother for real But did you did you legit know that like a lot of people are fucking their sibs or doing shit? No It is true. We can talk about it another time But a thing is that I think a lot of people

people are experimenting with family members. Maybe it's more cousins. I don't think that's true. I'll find the statistic and send it to you. How are they even getting those statistics? Who's admitting to that? Let alone that many that it's common. Please don't send me those statistics. I'm live tweeting it to you now. I've never said to my brother, can you please confirm in 2008... Ben has never had to write on his list of things in the podcast, incest. Ha!

on his night pad he's never had to do that before

Bring the heat, motherfuckers. My brother made me some wonderful nachos. Thank you. For what I believe was my 36th birthday. Okay. He homemade the tortilla chips. They were like freshly fried. Wow. He made a mole sauce. It went heavy on the homemade. Even the way you're talking about the nachos, I can't. You want to bang your brother. It's so obvious. This is not fair. I think he's a great cook.

eye yeah yeah yeah but i don't want to bang yeah i don't want to bang yeah describe the nachos more all right you guys they were like so tasty in my mouth

I'm trying to, you know, I'm trying to talk about food in a serious way now. I'm trying to bring it back. Well, the nachos sound lovely. They do sound good nachos. Whatever. You know what? I think if you talk to my parents, they would sound like they want to bang him too. I think there's this weird fixation in my family with like my brother's excellence. And the rest of us are like these pieces of shit. We just get to wander around and be related to the king. That is the attitude. Yes.

Where's the best place you've had like a mango salad? Like a really refreshing. The Barbican bar and grill. They have a kale salad. It's called a kiss me kale salad. Oh, they've named salad after the show. This is great. It's a coincidence. I'm plugging right. I'm plugging proper right now, but they've got this amazing salad with like mango. And it's just, yeah, it's great. It's so nice. If people did order the kiss me kale salad and, and kiss the kale. Yeah. And kiss the cake. Well, this is,

As in they get the salad and they kiss the kale. What, they pulled it out of the salad and then kissed it? Yeah, or they leant down into the bowl and kissed it while it was still in the bowl. While it was still in the bowl. So it's up to them. They can either pick up the bowl with both hands and bring it to their mouth and get off, like fully get off with the kale. What, tongue the kale? Yeah. Or,

Or they can pick it out of the bowl and then kiss it. And then tongue it. Would they be allowed to stay in the Barbican, do you think? What's the policy there? Because technically that's not their fault. It's called kiss me kale. I feel like you've got to express yourself how you want to express yourself. I don't think you should be punished for that. So if you want to tongue the kale...

You absolutely should. Yeah. I think it's the, the kissing, I think is fine. I think when you said they get off with it, I think that's maybe the line. Are they like shutting their eyes as well? Yeah. Yeah. And, and that's, that kind of maybe mumbling, like words. Hang on. Words like love. I love her so much. Is that what you do while you're kissing someone? Yeah. I'll go, Oh baby. Yeah.

No, that's cool. I think you only upset people who don't really like, you know, public displays of affection. Yeah. But it's not your business. If you want a tongue in the kale, then actually you should go and tongue in the kale, man. Tell them, tell them, tell them how you feel.

Empress gin. That's really good. Empress gin. Also Empress gin with tonic is really good. I know that's like gin and tonic is whatever, right? But, but that gin with the tonic is a really good drink. Made well. It's a completely new drink. Yeah. Tonic. When someone makes you a proper good one. Yeah. Yeah. You are. Oh, okay. This is,

Totally different to what I've been drinking. And it is just like spending a bit more time on it. The gin having a bit more flavor to it rather than just like bog standard gin. Yeah, and this one sort of turns purple when you pour it in there. That also gives it a little effect. But for some reason, it just complements it well. That's crazy. It turns purple? Yeah. How does that happen?

I don't know. I'm going to cross the side. So I'm sure it's good. Someone did that and you didn't know it was going to happen and you saw it turn purple. Did it remind you of Thanos and you got angry? Oh, I thought you were going to say New Year's Eve. No, no. Thanos. Motherfucker.

You've got to still be mad at that guy. No, I don't. Yeah, I don't think about it as much as you think. I would if it happened to me. I would. If it happened to me, I'd think about Thanos all the time. You got snapped. You were the one. You got dusted. I know. I'd be fucking furious at that guy. I know. Well, it was amazing how well that villain was. I know.

In a way, he actually was, you know, he was having kind of his own midlife crisis and then turned on the world. Yeah, there were levels. There were levels to that. What do you think that was like for your character? Obviously, a lot of characters it happened to, but you're there, you've been in Wakanda fighting, and then you feel a bit, oh, you feel a bit shitty, and then suddenly, you're on this massive, you're in a completely different place. Yeah.

Do you think at some point you had to get yourself... Bucky had to get himself together and be like, okay, fuck it, it's a different battle now. A load of shit's happening. I'll get caught up on it later. Or was Bucky like, guys, please catch me up on what's been happening because I can't just go into this fight not knowing. I can't know what's going on. I think the minute he's so used to fighting an enemy is that the minute he sees it, it's like right back in it. Sure. But the version you described would have been, I think, more cinematic. Well,

wait, time out. What the fuck is happening around here? I just, I wanted to go to the bathroom and I came back and like everything's a different world. Yeah, because they even knew this was like a different Thanos from a different time and Thor's already cut the other guy's head off. But actually, this is someone else from a different time but we still need to, we kind of messed up with the time travel thing and just,

Or whether it's like, we'll catch you up later, but the baddies are the same ones as before. I feel like you've thought about this more than anyone else on the planet. No way, man. It's interesting, though. That movie does spiral down a rabbit hole. You find yourself kind of going and asking different things. Because once the time thing gets flipped, anything is possible, you know? It's like, we can all keep doing what we're doing, but then Doctor Strange can...

turn back time. Like, I mean, what are you? You can't fuck with that. I mean, that's why it's very important that he doesn't have that stone anymore. If he did every movie, just be like, yeah, there you go. One, one twist. Yeah. I would like to see like a caper film with him where he's just fucking around with time for a laugh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It keeps going back in time to the same spot over and over again. We had a cartoon here when we were kids called Bernard's Watch. Are you familiar with Bernard's Watch? No. It was good, but it's not as good. Bernard's Watch was good, but everyone had the same problem with it. It was a little kid and he had a watch that could stop time, but he could just walk around and do whatever. So everything would freeze. The only British thing that I remember when I was very, very little is a very controversial show called...

Benny Hill. Yeah, yeah. He should never be in possession of Bernard's watch. No. If it was Benny's watch, it would be a very different show. He causes enough trouble when time's moving normally, right? Chasing those poor ladies around. Chasing the poor ladies around the trees and stuff. Which is the music.

It does blow my mind that Benny Hill was such a big export across the Atlantic that that was a thing. It's weird. Yeah, I remember just growing up and seeing that show when I was little and then Beverly Hills 90210, strangely, and Baywatch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like they were massive in Europe. Yeah, the two representations of different cultures, Benny Hill and Baywatch. Yeah. I could have done a crossover episode where Benny's chasing the ladies but it's all in slow motion. Yeah.

Or the beginning of the Baywatch titles at the beginning, but with the Benny Hill music in the background instead. Oh, yeah, that'd be good. Cadbury chocolate. Cadbury chocolate? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's such a thing, isn't it? It's good stuff. Well, American chocolate is shit. You know what, the only way it's come out recently... Maybe wrap up to that slowly before... Okay, well, Hershey's is the worst thing I've ever tasted. No, no, no, you can't compare those. But Tony's chocolate is this new...

it's fairly new, right? Yeah. From Holland. Yeah. Unbelievable. Also they, because of all of the, they're not like solid standard chunks in the bar, you end up breaking off a bit to be like, I'll just have a bit, but it comes off at a weird angle and then you break it. And then you always, there's half. It's just gone. You did it. Do you remember Kinder eggs? Yeah. Yeah.

yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are great. I remember when you crack that thing open, the little astronaut would come out or it'd be like a stupid one. You'd be like, no, I got to get another one. Yeah. Yeah. There was a period of time where it was always a little like China terrapin. Uh,

like playing the pan pipes or like with a surfboard. There's other different terror pins. Yeah. That was when I got into Kinder Eggs. That was your favorite era of Kinder Eggs? I wanted to get all the terror pins that you got in the Kinder Eggs. I got a few of them. It was a great, brilliant idea, whoever invented the Kinder Eggs. Yeah. The toys came in phases like Marvel, didn't they?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was like, I mean, yeah, now if they were still, I mean, I think they still do kinder surprises, but they're not as popular that Marvel would consider doing a crossover with them. Right. Yeah. That would be like the pinnacle of your career, right? If someone said, we're going to do you in a kinder egg from any film you've been in. Yeah. That would be like, I made it. Yeah.

I guess it would depend on that. It would probably be Marvel. I don't think it'd be the cannibal in the Kinder Egg. Or you as Tommy Lee. It just ends up being a mistake. I mean, someone just does one randomly. I'd buy the Tommy Lee Kinder Egg. Yeah? 100%. Sebastian as Tommy Lee in the Kinder Egg? Yeah. I mean, what would that even look like? It depends what part of the story. It could just be one drumstick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd recognize him on Naked Attraction straight away, Tommy Lee. Yeah, yeah, Tommy Lee on Naked Attraction, surely. It would come up, for everyone else it's just the feet, but Tommy. Yeah, right.

Dream dessert? It is. There's a pub near where my mum lived in Reading. It's out in the countryside. It's a country pub, sticky toffee pud. It's got dates in. It's got that almost like tangy, metallic-y taste that you get from the drizzle-y stuff. And there's kucky for days.

Sorry? He says, what is a cookie? There's custard. Of course. I don't think cookie is an acceptable shortening of the word custard. I thought you'd been given diarrhea by these. But I thought you'd eat the sticky toffee pud and now you have got diarrhea for the rest of the week. Cookie. Cookie for days. It's so delicious, but you get cookie for days.

Yeah, I'm going to get some cookie on there with the... I don't usually give life advice to the guests. You've got to stop calling it that outside of this podcast. I mean, in it, it's fine. We know what it means now, but... Do you regularly call custard cookie?

I do. I do. Do you? And does anyone else join in? Do you know who else calls it that? Who? Curly from Oakland. Curly does. Curly does. Curly loves cookie. Curly loves cookie, sure. But like, I mean, also, just on its own, cookie can mean something else. People call each other cucks all the time now. Yeah. And stuff. Yeah, I mean, that's like a Shakespearean word. Yeah, sure. Yeah. So if you're just like, if you say to the waiter. Well, they know. They know what they're serving it.

I don't know it's called kucky though. Hold on a minute. Whose dream restaurant is this? They know the lingo. So if you say to them, if you point the sticky toffee putty and go, cuck me. Yeah. They're not going to serve me Ed's diarrhea. They're going to know exactly what it is. Yeah. It's creamy. Yeah. It's sweet. Yeah. It's, I guess, eggy because of egg custard. Yeah. And it's just right. Hot or cold? Hot. Hot kucky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hot kucky, man. Yeah.

How has this never thought it was weird until now? I don't know it's weird, I know, but it's, you know, it's who I am, it's my cross and I shall bear it. Have you said hot cookie to Goldstein before? No.

I don't think he's heard it. This is probably the highest profile outing that Cucky's had for me so far. Also, you're not going to be anywhere with Brett where Cucky's on the menu, are you? No. To be honest, you could convince him that it's called that. He's never seen it before. This is Cucky. Okay, thank you. Thank you for telling me that, Phil. I'm going to try Cucky another time. I tell people that I've had Cucky with Phil Dunstan. This is called Cucky. No, it's not Brett. That's custard.

You can have it hot or cold, cocky. Phil likes hot cocky. I mean, it does sound like a delicious dessert, however much you have tried to make it sound absolutely disgusting. Yeah. I've never seen someone do so much legwork to make an objectively delicious dessert sound gross. You can have it on the side. When you're at my drink, you can have...

The cookie on the side. You can have your hot cookie on the side. Yeah. Don't need to put your cookie all over your lovely sticky toffee pud. Yeah. I'll have your cookie. I'll say... What? I'll have... Are you going to have... James, do you have any cookie? No, I'm not. I'm not having it. Listen, if you want to drizzle it all over your pud, get your cookie on your pud. No, no, I was going to leave it. I'm going to leave it. I don't want to have my cookie. Do you mind if I have your cookie? Yeah, if you want to have my cookie, you can. I'm going to spoon your cookie. Yeah. Ed, is that cookie... Sorry, I'm so turned on.

Get your hands off my cookie, Phil. But you'll have it all over your pud? Yeah, yeah. I'm not shamed. And most likely, like, one of those sticky toffee puds that's, like, out of a, you know, plastic cup with a film lid? Or do you think it was made on premises? I think it was made on... It was one of those where I think it was probably in a tray. It was made in a big silver tray. It was a proper, legit one. Good, good. And the cookie had, like...

It had, like, those vanilla pods in there. Yeah, yeah. Vanilla pods in there. Again, I mean, absolute, like, legit nice custard should not be called cookie, cookie. Such a disrespectful term. It was delicious. It was delicious cookie. And...

is this a family thing does your whole family call it cocky I think it is yeah so the Dunsters all say cocky so Pam's not going to bat an eyelid when cocky comes up at the dream Ellie's used to it by now Ellie I think probably still shirks at it slightly dad he's got a snorkel and he's like he's not face down in some cocky with a snorkel sticking out is he his bird face straight in the cocky

snorkel I love cocky I mean yeah the man loves cocky as well but yeah we're I guess we're a cocky family yeah do you know what here's what I'm hoping one day you'll be out having some delicious food and oh wait would you like any desserts I'm probably I'll have the chocolate cake I don't know do you have chocolate cake yeah I'd order chocolate cakes yeah do you want any cocky with that

Hang on, so you're hoping that... Someone in the service industry is going to... It's going to become... And then it's going to disseminate across all restaurants. So are you hoping that it becomes so commonplace that one day it will happen to us? Or are you hoping that... Because...

What's happened to both of us many times is someone who works in the service industry has heard this podcast, remembers something like that, that we've long since forgotten. Not that we will ever forget this conversation, Phil. And then we're at a restaurant and they, the waiter or waitress will do an in joke to us like that. And we won't know what they're talking about. Is that what you mean? Cause I hope that never happens. I hope if anyone's listening, if you come up to me in the restaurant and say, would you like cookie with that? I'm leaving your restaurant.

I will say that this will not be one of the things I forget. I hope that is. Every time I see Custard, I'm going to go, oh, cocky. And I'll feel a bit sick. It's cocky.

I can't have ruined delicious kaki for you, surely. Well, it's custard, yes. I mean, yeah, it's not getting any better each time you say it. I tell you what, what is not just chicken that Brett has had with me is one of the kaki tarts in Ando's. Oh, yeah. A pastel de nata. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they... As the Portuguese insist on calling them pastel de nata. No, they call it paki de naki. Everyone knows that.

Andy Zaltzman was one of our Christmas special episodes this year and made up some bullshit courses. Hold on a second. We've only just recorded that episode. That's mad. I thought this had been on the table the whole time. We've been Darren Browned. But he predicted what Zaltzman would come out with. Let's hear some of Andy's fake menu. I mean, other wonderful main courses I've had over the years in the... Been to a few of the restaurants, the American Celebrity, Celebrity Chefs, Skloot and Malvain, and...

In one of his restaurants, his signature thrice-slapshotted puck of ruthlessly executed guiltless cow, served on a sesame-besieged matrice of yeast-inflated and heat-metamorph wheat-influenced dideaux, besourced with a deconstructed and reconstructed ketchupine rouge of tomate-squijet, comfortingly blanketed with a rectangular of time-rightened coagulated udder-origin lactotum of maternal bovioid.

or to give it its nickname, a cheeseburger. See, this is what I thought would happen every course. I thought, Andy's going to have written a bunch of stuff that doesn't exist, and we're going to have to engage with it. No, that exists. But that exists as a cheeseburger. Yeah, as a cheeseburger, yeah. I don't know if you've been to any of Malvain's restaurants. It's Emoto Bistro, where each dish is intended to provoke an emotion as well as a flavour. Right. Fantastic. Signature dishes include hollow-eyed haddock.

pessimistically served on a resigned bed of fait accompli seaweed, gunpoint served ransom of lamb's liver, frightened into a terratoreen, presented with a harrowed memory of spirit-broken split peas, and giggly hen sausages aroused in a pseudo-erotic ketchup of seriously buff-stripped tomatoes.

I mean, they all sound quite nice. It was like you hit your threshold of saying stuff that was real. And then you were like, I've got to do it. Hang on, let me just do this before we carry on. I must have done nearly half an hour. Yeah, it's amazing. It's interesting because your two main passions are stats, which couldn't be more real. And absolute bullshit. Absolute nonsense.

I mean, in terms of octopus, Scoot and Malvain, some wonderful octopus dishes. I thought, I sensed Andy had zoned out in that bit. He's reading his doc. He's reading his doc when he was teeing something up. His Protesteron, which is the first protest-themed restaurant in the world, where...

Waiters take your orders by chanting through a megaphone, what do you want? And then you announce what you want and then they say, when do you want it? And you say now. And then they go, oh, God. Um...

But it's amazing starters. It was a crusade of crudités, rioting rillettes of real grouse, placards of Icelandic elk ham vitrioled with squid ink slogans and brandished on a Soviet-influenced sausage stick. And the main courses, I mean, the octopus dish, which is a pastry-fenced occupations of octopus, right, placed with carrot batons and swayed by a propaganda of lefty lettuce...

Hard to look beyond that. The beef from around the world served overdone or underreported. They were pretty good. And force-fed opinions of sheep dribbled in an evangelical sauce de raison tomate, re-dribbled in a half-baked tomato motto. That was also excellent. Cannot believe Kettle Chips isn't in there. Absolutely waiting for Kettle Chips. Plum Grumble was excellent. That's their nickname? Yeah.

And the furious banana banners with an absolute full. That was also good. Good. Got that off your chest? Yep. Anything you want to say before we go, Andy? Yeah, any more bullshit on the laptop for us? Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't want you to have written a whole dish out and we don't get to hear it. I think we've covered it, I think.

Oh, well, there's, Malvain's got a new insect restaurant. Oh, fantastic. The, oh, and he's got a new restaurant in Paris, which is an all-you-can-eat shellfish seducto brasserie called Moulet Vue Buffet à Vecmoise as well. Yeah.

He's got a couple of Christmas recipes he's just put out on social media. One is a regretful wood pigeon hand-haunted in a memory of asparagus wrongdoings. Bondage to a bed of covertly assassinated scallops and hard-punched potato faces. Or you can go with the high-speed car crash tenderised paragon of overbearingly mothered beef groin with a splenetic reductio, gruffly manhandled chanterelle mushroom willies and a pert bouncer of cabbage tits.

But he's got a new insect, because obviously insects are going to be the future of food. Yeah. And his latest insects menu is a trio of breast of ladybird, filet de wasp and tarantula web-snaffled moth sweetbreads, heartened by a sore squigglish of fear-motivated larvae. Then you've got an amuse-bouche of a ready-to-pop cocoon of caterpillar flouncing into a mouth flutter of freshly buttered butterfly.

And then a magotine of swat orphaned fly infants confronted by an encroachment of filth-fed cockroaches counterintuited on a tally-a-tally of hand-splatted worms. Beautiful. Well, that's the future of food, people. But Andy brought an extra guest with him. His stomach. How did you know that was going to happen? How did you know that was going to happen, Benito? Here's a montage of his tummy. Well, I know, he doesn't much know what it says.

Oh, yeah. Someone's written this in a rush in between the records. Yes. He's a montage of his tummy rumbles. Andy Saltzman is a montage of his tummy rumbles.

i think about nor do i do like uh i mean when the indian the indian breads and asian breads uh yeah give you a lot of options yeah yeah yeah i mean they're pretty banging as well yeah if you want you could set your dream meal in an indian restaurant and you could cheat the system that way yeah but of course the rest of the menu might not be it

It might be. I mean, look, the stomach's going to do it. Not only rumbled, but it was the most cartoon stomach rumble that we've had on the podcast. We've had quite a few stomach rumbles on the podcast. We've done it, both of us. Oh, all the time. I did one earlier. Benito's never does because he's a goddamn robot from space. So he doesn't have any emotions, even hunger.

But Andy's went, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go

He was a very good player, spinning all-rounder. And I'd probably choose him because he's been deaf for quite a long time, so I'd get more food. Andy's stomach's gone again. I love the stomach. I love how adorable Andy's stomach is. Whenever I do a podcast, I bring thematic corporeal noises. That's what the laptop's really for. He's secretly pressing the spacebar every now and again and setting off the stomach rumble sound effect. Yeah.

They'll love it. They'll love it. Are you going cone or cup? Cup. Cup. Yeah. Good. You've passed. You've passed the test. I mean, you know, you don't get cones in cricket. They all wear a cup. Loves it. Um, God, I'm...

Your stomach is... I'm really struggling. Well, you say you're struggling. I'm loving it every time. It's absolutely phenomenal. It was from the moment we started. It's not stopped. It's going crazy, Andy. It's going absolutely crazy on you. Is it picked up on Mike, Benito? Surely it's been picked up on Mike. That first one has to be picked up on Mike. The first one...

The first one was louder than Andy speaks. That frequency, yeah, it was a very high pitch frequency cuts through all of us. Yeah. But that last one just then must do as well. It was quite a... Well, it's basically my, literally my internal monologue. Yeah. About all of this. Yeah.

How many flavours per cup is what? Because sometimes I get excited and I'm like, three scoops in a cup and then they all mix up and you're losing the purity of it. Two is optimal and you can always go back and get a bonus if you've done well on the first two. Yeah, I find it hard not to go three because I love ice cream so much and I always go, I should do this content.

two like I was like now remember next time just go for two because you know that's enough and it's nice and they compliment each other and three is just always too much ice cream and they're not going to compliment each other so much because now you've got to go in different ways one of the best ice creams I ever had was a vanilla ice cream at a restaurant in London possibly Andrew Edmonds and

And it just had Pedro Jimenez sherry poured on the top. And simple but divine. I love it. I absolutely love stuff like that. Yeah, with the sherry poured on top. It's proper. Yeah, vanilla ice cream with booze on it. Yeah. Whiskey as well with that kind of ice cream. It's great. And I don't know if this counts as dessert, but a cheese trolley. Either or? Now, listen. Here we go. This is the controversial point here, Andy. We have...

I just found what... Sorry, someone's just wheeled the trolley. I'm not even hungry. That was the sound of the trolley wheels on the floor rolling along.

And he's bought him props. This has never happened to me before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Don't worry, it happens to a lot of guests. It's great having two guests on. The tummy. So, listen, just transparency. Yeah. There's guests on the podcast before who decided that they want a cheese bodysuit over dessert. Yeah. I've gone absolutely apeshit at them. It makes me furious. Ed and I...

have both on our dream menus chose a traditional sweet dessert and a cheese board and had them, you know, one after the other in whatever order. And we've had other guests do that. And we know you've got a history with that after your Christmas mail in Melbourne. I like that because I do like doing that myself. I like the cheese course as either a bridge from the main course to the dessert or afterwards, you know,

by the fire with your friends just like taking your time with a cheese board that's fine if you have it in place of the ice cream especially because it sounds delicious your stomach is going to be making way worse noises than what it's currently making I'm going to I think this is a Christmas episode it would be a shame to not give you the ice cream and the cheese board right good it would be a huge shame yeah so I mean a good cheese board is one of

I just switched it off. The stomach. Sorry about this. The stomach. The stomach's run out of battery and it's still bloody bleeped. Anyway. Andy, I'm really tired. Sorry. Your stomach's on vibrate and your phone's on loud. But of course, there was one section this year that really got the listeners going. Oh dear. Let's hear some fan fiction from Hugh Davies. Oh no, turn it off. Turn off the episode. Don't listen to this.

You do a very grimy podcast. Yeah. Yeah. I will say, yeah, this is actually quite odd being here, quite surreal because it was only recently that we, so I do a podcast called Slime Country. I do it with Sunil Patel and Ed Knight. And we, every time we read out like a fan fiction that someone's written, it just so happened that week that we found one, an off-menu one. Mm-hmm.

And we had to read it out on the podcast. And I have to say, it's very, very difficult to listen to slash read out. Very hard. A lot. Very weird. Because I get weird, because there's always Ninja Turtles and that kind of thing. But the ones where you know the people in, which is a few. We had one with Uncle Roger last week with Gordon Ramsay. And Gordon Ramsay was... It was translated from Chinese. Gordon Ramsay was...

He was called Lao Bao for some reason. And I think Uncle Roger was... I think he was called Little Trout or something. It was quite odd. Anyway, your one was very strange. What happened in our one? So you're... By the way, before Hugh read this out on his podcast, he did message me to check. Yeah. To get my consent. And I gave yours. Yeah, yeah. I mean, no one else paid for this. Yeah, I know that you'd say no. Yeah, yeah. Because it doesn't... As you'll find out...

It doesn't hold you in great esteem. Oh, what? So, I can't remember precisely, but I got the main points of it. It starts off, James lets himself into your flat with a spare key. Okay. You're watching some shit on television. They make sure that you're, they say that, you're watching some shit on television. You crawl into Ed's lap and break down into tears immediately. What the fuck?

I've let myself in to do this. So far, bang on. Yeah. And then you're sort of... I can't believe this. That's what people think. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what the fantasy is. Because it's an exaggerated version of like, so they think that you come in, you're crying about how bad your day is. The section where you're talking about your bad day goes on for so long. It's so long where you're talking about all the things you're having problems with your agent or something like that. And it's just comforting you stroking your hair. And then as you're

You're like weeping. You're like crying all the way through this and it's just stroking your hair. And then you beg him to tie you up. You're like, you are begging him. I can't believe this. Someone vote this. Oh, I'm so happy. We had to stop because it was like,

It's too hard to read. It became difficult. What? Because you were finding it upsetting? I think it's because people write these fan fictions. It's always funny because if it's the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but when it's real people that you know, it becomes quite sinister. There's people in a setting in which

they might come to see you live and the first instances go like, I'm going to write like a, like a 16 chapter story about how, while crying, Ed, Ed, Ed, as, as, as a go on James whilst he's tied to a bed. I'm still crying for the whole thing. Yeah. You're crying for the whole thing. You've had a really bad day, man. Yeah.

But this is like, also the way that it's written, it's like, this is just normal because you've just let yourself in. Ed's like, oh, here we go again. You have to tie him up and fuck him. It's like he's crying so much about his bad day. I wouldn't recommend you listen to it because it's like, it's hard to. I'm not listening to it. I'm hearing about it now and it's disturbing. Can't believe I'm just being tainted. That's how the fans see me. Yeah.

Have you not ever read a fan fiction of yourself before? No. There's loads, man. That was only one of them. We were going to do a whole month of it. James Acaster month. Yeah. Crying in all of them. Every single one of them.

It doesn't sound good. Oh, God. Honestly, we don't often stop. We have to stop. We've never stopped. We had to stop. It was too much. We couldn't get to the point where you were starting to go. And you did go for it. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine. It's got to happen at some point. Yeah. Holy smokes. Sorry about that. I can't believe it. I crawl in the room. Is that the bit that upsets you the most? All of it is just demeanour.

I can't believe I'm letting myself in for it. I'm letting myself in with a spare key. You haven't even got up to say who it is. You're just watching TV. So, like, the fact that you're not even like, oh, who's coming in? Oh, hi, Jim. You're just sitting there watching TV and I have to crawl in crying. And then I'm on your lap crying about my bad day. And then I beg you to tie me up. It's not even your idea. Yes. There's a lot of nuzzling. I remember Sunil specifically being like, why is there so much nuzzling? Fucking hell.

That is like, that is a sums up. All my, every weirdo who's ever seen me is that they would get turned on by the thought of me nuzzling. That is absolutely, that doesn't, oh no. God. Thanks to whoever wrote that. And then what, am I tied to a bed? Yeah. That's what I said, thanks to whoever wrote that, Benito put his hand up. Wouldn't be surprised. By the way, if you're not listening in, the sound guy is David Dimbleby. They won't let him retire.

I absolutely love that. Yeah, of course you do. Yeah. Because I'm a big strong boy. Yeah. A big strong boy watching TV, doesn't have any feelings. I said you were watching garbage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fair. Yeah. Yeah. That's the worst you've come off. Yeah. It's when you relax, you watch garbage. You've come off worse, I will say that. Yeah. I've come off like I've got all sorts of problems.

I love that. Are they writing this because they find it arousing or are they writing it because it's a laugh? The comments below will also be a great story. They find it sexy. Yeah, people read it and wank off to it, I reckon. Jeez, man. Jeez. James, I know you've not enjoyed talking about this, so later on, when you let yourself in... I'm crying about what you've said. When you crawl into his lap. Yeah.

Make sure you don't get tears all over the TV remote. That's why he uses that to watch his garbage television. Yeah, he watches my garbage television. And I don't have time for much nuzzling tonight, so we're just going to get straight to the tying up and fucking, alright? Yeah. No nuzzling for me, I guess.

Crikey Moses. Does he say that? Yeah, that'll be in the next chapter. I made a note of that. And then he says, at the point of climax, he shouts, crikey Moses. But there will be another one. Because there's so many. There will be another one of this. What do you mean there's so many? People, just look it up. No. I'm not looking at shit. No way. It's a dark hole. You'll never get out. Yeah. I'm not looking it up. It's about what you're complaining about, actually, during the dark hole you can't get out of. Yeah. Yeah.

Bad day, man. You're in a bad day. Yeah. Fucking hell. Bunch of creeps, man. That is messed up. It's scary, isn't it? Scary world, isn't it? That is scary that that's in someone's head. Isn't it scary that you can be so good at stand-up that people will write that about you and then you're forced to confront it in your own podcast? Well, it's scary that if you even...

to have some sort of platform and you're talking about your emotions for a second they're like and he cries so much it becomes this big thing it's hot it's a fucking cry all the time yeah come on keep crying cries all the time he's nuzzling he's crying begging for it nuzzling so funny also I think you'll like this they kept referring they don't they refer to Ed as Ed

Oh, no. They referred to James as the boy. We read the full... If you check out the... This is the biggest... The most disturbing thing. This is the biggest plug for the podcast I could do, but you've got to... Up until now... We read it word for word. The most disturbing thing on this podcast was when Ed said he has a spaghetti plane with a dollop on top of it.

But this is, this is absolutely, this is why, do you know what? Far too many, I hope some comedians are listening to this. I hope there's some comedians who are my friends who in the past have said to me, you should really like be more open with your fans, man, and talk to them. And you could like, you know, sometimes they come up to you and they want stuff from you. And you're like, oh no, I'm kind of in a rush or whatever. And that really upsets me. You should really give them the time of day. Fuck that. If that's what, if this is what they're doing,

I don't want to meet a single one of these fucking creeps. Forget it. Disgusting. The boy. Yeah. The boy. The boy. If this is a hat, what's going on in their heads? Wouldn't be annoyed if he wasn't crying in the story. Yeah. If I wasn't crying in the story. Yeah. Or is it a number of things? Not just a cry. If I wasn't. The boy. If I wasn't being called the boy. If I wasn't crying. If I wasn't begging to be tied up. Because you probably don't want to do it. If I wasn't like.

against his will. Complaining about my day. I see it as more like, oh, fucking hell. I didn't crawl into the room on all fours. That's funny, man. I'm already this subservient, like, lower than you. I don't like this. Crawling into the lap a bit like, you know, where the cat sets its head on a bed. They're changing, like, I'll be fine. Do you know what? If that is how I did things, I'll be fine with it. Yeah. But I'm just not, anyone who does like doing that,

Who wants to be the subservient like that? Fair play to you. I'm not judging you. But that's not how I like to do it. And people putting it on me and making that a thing. Every room I've ever seen you come into, you've walked in. Thank you. I'll say that. I've got your back. We've never nuzzled. Never nuzzled. Wouldn't rule it out. Wouldn't rule nuzzling out. That's the one thing that didn't annoy me as much. That says more about them. Yeah. It's a dessert then, isn't it? I guess we're on a dream drink. Dream drink. Oh my God.

I forgot how awful that was. I spoke to Huge Davies at the Plosive Christmas party. And he was saying he'd seen your special and very much enjoyed it. But he was worried when you start talking about having the boy with you on stage. Oh, believe you me. On the tour, after Huge's episode went out, there was a few people...

who heckled, oh, and we know who the boy is. And the first time that that happened, I did not know what they were talking about because I do not listen back to this podcast. And it's been a very long time since we recorded. But you remember that bit, surely? It's been so long since we recorded Tudor's episode. I didn't even know that that was the episode that had been out. So when they said we know who the boy is, I was like, what are you talking about? And then they had to remind me. I was like, well, that's ruined the whole show.

Well, that's it for another year. As ever, we wrap up the Best Ofs with our annual Poppadoms or Bread compilation. Is this really the end of the Best Ofs, though? Maybe. We'll release something else on Monday. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Popdoms or Bread! Popdoms or Bread, Danny Dyer! Popdoms or Bread! Well, it's an odd one, Nat, because you never go in a restaurant, you don't get offered that, because obviously with some nutty gaff. Because I'm getting the option, I'm going to go Poppadoms.

Pop-a-dum-zor bread! Pop-a-dum-zor bread, Peter Capaldi! Pop-a-dum-zor bread! Oh, God, that's hard. Pop-a-dum-zor bread! Pop-a-dum-zor bread, Noel Fielding! Pop-a-dum-zor bread! My God, pop-a-dum-zor bread. Bread. Pop-a-dum-zor bread! Pop-a-dum-zor bread, Natalie Cassidy! Pop-a-dum-zor bread! Sorry, I cut you off there. I didn't expect to. No, it's all right. That's the pop-a-dum-zor bread bit, isn't it? You've got to cut people off. Pop-a-dum-zor bread!

POP N' OBSORED BREAD! POP N' OBSORED BREAD, ANDY SALTSMAN! POP N' OBSORED BREAD! What bread? What are the bread options? Absolutely. Bite you on the ass. POP N' OBSORED BREAD, RICK HESLEY! POP N' OBSORED BREAD! Oh my god, I still can't get used to that. POP N' OBSORED BREAD! POP N' OBSORED BREAD, PHIL DUNSTON! POP N' OBSORED BREAD! Bread. POP N' OBSORED BREAD! POP N' OBSORED BREAD, ELLA PURNELL! POP N' OBSORED BREAD! Bread, please! Yeah. Bread, please! POP N' OBSORED BREAD! POP N' OBSORED BREAD, CARRIE BROWNSTEEN! POP N' OBSORED BREAD! Bread.

Sometimes

Sometimes I say bebe on stuff. Pop it up as all bread. Pop it up as all bread, Finn Wolfhard. Pop it up as all bread. I don't even know what the first one is. Yeah. Yeah. Pop it up as all bread. Pop it up as all bread. Good thing is I've heard this podcast enough to know that that's not a, you know, that's not directed to me because of the colour of my skin. Yeah, exactly.

Publobs or bread, Karen Gacardi? Publobs or bread? Publobs or bread? Publobs or bread, Hammond Adam O'Shaughan? Publobs or bread? Bread! Publobs or bread? Publobs or bread, Hugh Davies? Publobs or bread? Bread. Publobs or bread? Publobs or bread, C-Max? Publobs or bread? Bread. Publobs or bread? Publobs or bread, Jada Pinkett Smith? Publobs or bread? Publobs?

- Pop noms or bread, Josh Winnicombe, pop noms or bread? - Pop noms. - Pop noms or bread? Pop noms or bread, Sasha Monica Jackson, pop noms or bread? - I'm gonna go for pop noms. - Pop noms or bread? Pop noms or bread, Sarah Bowen, pop noms or bread? - Okay, I had a last minute shift on this one. - Pop noms or bread? Pop noms or bread, Joe Locke, pop noms or bread? - Ooh, bread. - Yeah.

Pop-Dums or bread? Pop-Dums or bread, Sophie Willen? Pop-Dums or bread? Bread. Pop-Dums or bread? Pop-Dums or bread, Stuart Lord? Pop-Dums or bread? Bread. Pop-Dums or bread? Pop-Dums or bread, Katie Wicks? Pop-Dums or bread? Can't have Pop-Dums, don't have a gallbladder. Next question. Up to you. Pop-Dums or bread? Pop-Dums or bread, Ray Winston? Pop-Dums or bread? Oh, depending on the bread and where you are. In Italy, the bread's very good. Pop-Dums or bread? Pop-Dums or bread, Michelle Desmore? Pop-Dums or bread? Um...

I think I'll go for a poppadom. Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Nabila? Poppadoms or bread? Bread. Poppadoms or bread? Oh, smoke. Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Killer Mike? Poppadoms or bread? None of that for me to start. Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Ogrecock? Poppadoms or bread?

Poppadoms. Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Rachel Stevens? Oh, that's a really tough question. Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Rhys Nicholson? Poppadoms or bread? I mean, every time it went a bit quiet, I was like, it's coming. Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Jason Mantzoukas? Poppadoms or bread? I'll be honest, James, it's got to be bread because what is the first thing you're saying? Poppadoms? Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Rosemary? Poppadoms or bread? It's definitely bread.

It's definitely bread. I hate poppadoms. They're grim. Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Robert Popper? Poppadoms or bread? Okay, I... Poppadoms for Italian? Bread for curry? Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Helen Skelton? Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms. Nice. Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms, man! Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Sebastian Stan? Poppadoms or bread? None. Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Amy Annette? Poppadoms or bread?

yeah

gonna be so ready for that. Jesus, you're good. Well... Really scared you there, didn't he? Yeah, really, really, really scared me. I've never seen him scared before. I...

He just mentioned it, so I couldn't shock him. But he was about to take a drink, so I thought it's now or never. Maybe you'll be able to scare Frankie Boyle. I don't see why I have to choose, but as I have to choose, obviously it's bread. Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread?

I'm one of the most I've ever been scared in my life. OK, I'm just going to drink some water from this cup. POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LO

Yeah, I'm going to go poppadoms. Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms or bread, Jessica Hines? Poppadoms or bread? I do not understand what you just said. Poppadoms or bread, Jessica Hines? This is what I heard, James Acosta. I'm not

Okay, so you need to slow down. You need to quieten down. You need to say it again in a calm, inside voice, please. Thank you for doing this. Finally, someone's done this. Could you please say it in a calm, inside voice and then I will respond. We're having a lovely discussion about Creamy Hole and you've shouted over the top. I heard all bread. What I did not hear was that at the beginning. Okay, so start again. Take a breath and start again, please. Would you like...

poppadoms or bread okay now we're talking poppadoms yeah it's a nice chat now always poppadoms thank you

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