Ep 279: Stephen Graham
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Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the tortellini of conversation, pouring into the boiling water of humour, bubbling away for just a few minutes until all of the great anecdotes float to the surface. It's the Off Menu Podcast tortellini, bowl of tortellini.

That's Ed Gamble, my name is James Edgast, and together we own a dream restaurant. And every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever start and make course, dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week our guest is Stephen Graham. Now, for those of you who may not be across all of off-menu law...

you might not know that James on multiple episodes of this podcast has said he can beat Stephen Graham up because of something that Stephen Graham said to Romesh Ranganathan on an episode of Jonathan Ross he said that it's Romesh's fault for not being funny if the audience aren't laughing and they're shouting and they're heckling him in Liverpool well bad luck

He didn't bank on me seeing that episode. I have called him out many times on this podcast saying that I beat him up for that. And now he's walked straight into the lion's den. Yes. And I'm the lion. We're assuming that Stephen doesn't know about this. He's going to know. He's about to know. Is he? Yeah, he is about to know. Is he really? Because there's a lot of bravado coming out of you. Hey!

I feel like when you, because you like Stephen Graham's work as well. And I think when you actually meet Stephen Graham, I don't think you're going to be able to say anything to him. I think Ed wrong. I've said it on a podcast about three times, four times. Yeah. Benito put a section on the best of of me calling him out. That is basically saying it to his face. Yeah. I know that when I say that,

He's going to hear that. So, okay. So if he has heard it and he's coming in, what does that say to you about his level of confidence that it's not going to be an issue? He's coming with his tail between his legs to apologize for what he said on Jonathan Ross about Romesh. And guess what? It ain't going to cut it. No apology is going to cut it. I said I was going to beat him up. And that is what's going to happen. Two hits. Two hits. Me hitting him, him hitting the ground. Ha!

Okay, well, I think maybe things might be different when you meet him. Well, we'll see, won't we? You'll be eating your words on this food podcast. Have that as your start of main course of dessert, Ed. Your own words. Do we? Me? Yeah. You're saying I'm not going to do nothing. I'm having my own words, am I? That's what you're going to eat. Okay, yeah. Are we going to bother with the secret ingredient then? Because if it's you hitting him and him hitting the ground early doors, then...

He's going to be at the Dream Restaurant straight away, isn't he? He will be at the Dream Restaurant straight away. But in the meantime, I'll give him a sporting chance. Okay. The secret ingredient, which if he says he's going to get kicked out. Yeah. A knuckle sandwich. A knuckle sandwich. Okay. Yeah. Well, that's what you're going to give him anyway, right? Yeah, he will get that anyway. So is it still the secret ingredient if you put it on his Dream Menu?

So I'm not going to punch him. Yes. So he's at the Dream Restaurant. So it's not if he selects it because he's not going to pick a knuckle sandwich, is he? Or is he doing that? He might as well save himself the embarrassment and pick it because at least then it looks like he wants it. At least then it looks deliberate. Okay. That'd be my advice to him. Okay. You should pick a knuckle sandwich, mate. You should order one. Stephen Graham is, I would say, a national treasure. So I'm absolutely devastated if you ruin this for me.

Yeah? I absolutely can't wait to meet him. He's done so much good stuff. He's got so much good stuff coming up, James. Oh, yeah. Well, you're excited. You love This Is England. You love Time. You love all his work that he's done with Martin Scorsese. Yeah, all the Scorsese stuff. Yeah. He was in Gangs of New York. He was in amazing...

scene in The Irishman with Al Pacino. Yeah. That's in a restaurant. We can talk about that if I wasn't about to. We're not going to talk about it though because you're coming in all guns blazing apparently. Correct. He's not going to get a chance to talk. You might as well turn this mic off Benito for when he sits in because he's not going to be saying anything.

Do you know what else he's doing? He's got some stuff coming up, Ed. A Thousand Blows launches on the 21st of February on Disney+. Anything you want to say about the title A Thousand Blows? Yeah. Two blows. Two blows, yeah. No. LAUGHTER

And he also stars in and has co-written Adolescence, a four-part Netflix series, which is coming soon. All the episodes are one shot. It looks fantastic. And A Thousand Blows, he's playing a bare-knuckle boxer, and I was led to believe he's got an amazing shape for that, to truly play a bare-knuckle boxer. And he's done all the training and stuff. So, yeah, looking forward to this episode. This is the Off Menu Menu of Stephen Graham. Welcome, Stephen, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you. It's lovely to be here. It's a pleasure and a privilege, Stephen. Thank you very much. Thank you for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Now, normally at this point, James is a genie in this and he bursts out the lamp and I don't know why he hasn't done that. Oh, there's a lamp there. There's a lamp there. Yeah. I just forgot. I forgot this episode. No, he normally interrupts the guests by sort of going and bursting out the lamp. And he's not done that with you and I'm intrigued. Oh, I

I thought it seemed rude, just didn't seem appropriate. Is that your only reason? Yeah, I just thought it wasn't appropriate to do that today. Okay. You threw him under the bus there, didn't you? Yeah, I've absolutely thrown him under the bus because our listeners will be going, why? Because every single other episode in, I mean, nearly 300 episodes, I'd say, Stephen, he bursts out the lamp.

But for some reason, he seems to have a quiet reverence around you that he's never had for a guest before. But we do have the lamp. Yeah. It's right there. Do you want James to try and get into that lamp and then burst out of it? What? We just give it a shot. Yeah. Okay. Well, this is I have to believe me that I'm getting into the lamp. Okay. I put some sound effects in post that I'm squeezing in there. Let's talk about a thousand blows. No, burst out of the lamp, man. No, we want you to come out of the lamp. Okay.

Right. So let's, should we? Okay, we're talking. Go on, ask me. Welcome to the Dream Restaurant, Stephen. Welcome, Stephen Gray, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been spending you for some time. Wow. Yeah, you like that? That was good. You can swear. Sorry. You can swear. Wow. Let him fly. Let him fly. That was good word.

Well done. That's good. We got there in the end, didn't we? Yes, yes. I just wanted to say it was an honour first. Yeah, that's very nice of you. It's an absolute pleasure to be here. Thank you for coming on. A Thousand Blows I'm very excited about a bit.

intimidated no I'm not intimidated actually you're a bare knuckle boxer in it yes yeah yeah there's a lot more to him than just a bare knuckle boxer but no look it was a wonderful project to be a part of and it kind of it came from

Me and Hannah, we got sent a photograph of Hezekiah Moskow, who's played by Malachi Kirby, who was a young man who came over from Jamaica during the 1800s. And it was a photograph and an image of Hezekiah in his boxing attire and stood there in this beautiful kind of regal outfit.

shape and form that he was in. So we got sent a photograph of that and two paragraphs, one about Sugar Goodson and one about Treacle Goodson, these two brothers who also existed at that time, who kind of ran...

the underground boxing scene to an extent in East London. And, you know, I worked on a program with Danny Mays called... Top Buzzer. No, that was the first time. Wow, Top Buzzer, you know, Top Buzzer. I love Top Buzzer, man. That was my introduction to you guys. You, Mays, Trent Crimm from The Independent. What was that guy's actual name? James Lance. James Lance. Yeah, yeah. Ashley Walters.

I'd watch that. Me and my friend Jake Ashton, shout out Jake Ashton, be listening to this. Since you and Jake used to smoke a bit of weed. We would watch Top Buzzer, let's just say that. Because that's still, every now and again, I'll get someone come over to me and go, oh mate, we used to love watching Top Buzzer when we were stoned. And I was like, oh, thanks mate. Well, that's kind of the audience we were aiming at. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. When I saw this, the cast, I was like, it's a Top Buzzer reunion.

Well, it's similar. So it came from that, you know, that was it within its embryonic stages. And then Hannah kind of went, this is really good. This could be really interesting. And I was like, okay. And they were looking for a writer. And she said, I know who will write this. And I was like, okay, who's going to write it? And she went, Steve Knight. And I was like, shut up, love.

There's no way he's going to write, how are we going to get Steve Knight to write this? And then she was like, well, I've been talking to his assistant. They want you to do Peaky Blinders and blah, blah, blah. And she went, I think he would really love this. You know, I know what kind of stuff he likes and I'm going to see what he says. And I just kind of, one of them ones where you go, okay. Although she is the brains behind everything. Do you know what I mean? She's, yeah, she's phenomenal. But I was like, okay, love, nice one. And then literally,

Three days later, she went, oh, look at this. And I walked over and there was an email and it was off Steve Knight saying, I would love to write this script. This sounds right up my street. And that's kind of how the process began. Do you know what I mean? So if it wasn't for Hannah making that marriage in the first place, we probably wouldn't be sat here now. You need someone who has that belief sometimes, don't you? Yeah. I can definitely make this work. Yeah, completely. But also she knew who'd be ideal to write it. Do you know what I mean? And thankfully he said, yeah. That's great.

Did you, we've got some of the press shots here. That's you swinging the punch. Yeah. Oh, okay. Did you have to do a lot of training? Did you train up for this one? Yeah, yeah, it was, yeah, it was a lot of training. A lot of eating, yeah, and a lot of training. So, you know, and to get into that shape, it took six months. So it was like, it was done properly. I had an amazing trainer, Rob, who was kind of, he did all my training and also all my diet and everything. And then I had a good friend,

who did all of my boxing training with me. Graham, I was with him like three times a week and I was training five, six times a week as well. But I got all my bloods tested and everything and my kidney and my heart and you had to go through a full MOT first. And then we slimmed down and then we kind of built up the muscle as we went along. But it did, it took, the total process was six months.

six months. Did you feel like by the end of the training that you could enter into a bare knuckle boxing match? It's canvas, mate. You look really good. I really appreciate and, you know, the dedication and the work that goes into that kind of

to that pugilism. But MMA and boxing and all of those kinds of martial arts is unbelievable. The technique and the ability, do you know what I mean? And the stamina and the determination. And just that, you know, it becomes a regime. You have to eat as healthily as it says. You just follow everything that they tell you to do, do you know what I mean? But it's lots of protein,

Lots of chicken, fish, vegetables, small amounts of carbs. And you just have to keep eating these on a regular basis and lots and lots and lots and lots of protein. And are you enjoying it? Because it's a food podcast. So when you are doing that, does it stop being enjoyable, like eating food? Or are you still looking forward to it? Is there certain little treats? In the beginning, the slimming down, the losing the weight was kind of hard.

And then when we got to that next stage of like, right now we're going to build from that structure, then with the rice and the chicken and stuff and the broccoli, it was okay. And then you're thrown in a wholemeal bun as well, or whatever you call it. That's your treat. But then after a while, do you know what I mean? And then between them, you've got to make sure that you get your protein. But when it comes to like half nine, 10 o'clock at night, you've got to eat another meal.

120 milligrams of natural yoghurt with two scoops of whey and one Malteser as you'd read it's a bit hard you know what I mean forcing that down your butt it was a great experience and it was just that you know I really really admire and appreciate what goes into trying to achieve that look or for athletes more

How quickly would you say you managed to, once you didn't have to eat like that and you'd finished filming, how quickly did you destroy all of your six months of work? I didn't really. You didn't, you just kept going with it. That's amazing. Mostly managed to keep it together a little bit. Do you know what I mean? To that extent. So you're still in boxing shape? Yeah.

I wouldn't say I'm fighting weight, no. My Climbo's just finished, so there's a bit of tear here. Yeah, some crackers and cheese and all that wrapped around me a little bit. But it's something that I've kept on doing, do you know what I mean? I've kept going to the gym and stuff and I've maintained that. Also, Adolescence will be coming out in 2025, which is something that you co-wrote as well. Every episode's a one-shot? Yeah. A one-er? Yeah, there's four episodes and each episode is one take. Wow.

I mean, it's a bit of a heavy subject in many ways. What was the decision behind making them one-shot episodes? What about the project felt like it needed to be that?

that well it was it was because of we did a film we did a little um a little film called which actually is very relevant uh boiling point which was set in a kitchen which we loved yeah we spoke to we had izuka hoyle on the podcast about that as well yeah absolutely brilliant film yeah and i thank you very much thank you and you know that was a pleasure and it was an honor to do

And we got approached about doing something in a similar vein, but I didn't really want to do that. I wanted to try and tell a story along the process of 18 months or 13 months and just jump in to this story on that timeline, maybe for an hour every time, because that's all you have.

and try and progress that story along within the context of what we have to say within that time, do you know what I mean? And keep the audience with you. And I just thought, I'm obsessed with 24 Hours in Police Custody. I love it. It's great, isn't it? As soon as you, you know, it just dragged you in. And I just thought, because I love that, and look, procedural dramas, police dramas are great. They've been going for years, Crackhead, do you know what I mean? Prime Suspect, all of those great programs that I was brought up on.

It's trying to find a new way of telling that same story. Do you know what I mean? So we just thought it really worked well with the one shot. It's our job then and we're under the obligation to try and keep the audience involved, but also tell that story and have that story move along. So I just thought it'd be a really good way to tell the story basically. Well, let's see if we can do this episode in a one shot. Maybe Benito won't edit anything out. Yeah.

We always start with still or sparkling water. Stephen, do you have a preference? Still, please. Still? Yeah. How come? It's a bit like Alka-Seltzer or something, innit? Do you know what I mean? I don't want to start my stomach rumbling before I've even had my dinner. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Personally. Sure. Would you call it mineral water? Sparkling water? You

You could if you want to. Yeah. So you're saying that you don't have the minerals? Oh, let's see what he did there. James is coming for you this episode, Stephen. Yeah, he is, isn't he? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want the minerals, son. Yes, he did it. Yes. He said the line. What was the actual line? You want to see if I've got the minerals? Do you want to see if I've got the minerals? Yeah, that was it. Yeah, that was it, yeah. Well, you want to see if I've got the minerals? Yeah. That's a good moment for Tom. He comes in.

brave moment he finds himself do you know what I mean he gets to stand there and be yeah be what he's always wanted to be that character which for the listener is the character in Snatch knows a lot about well maybe not food but drinking a whole monologue about milk that you have in that yes that's right what was it pasteurised yeah that was a great monologue there I remember the day we filmed that and yeah and he takes the

the can of milk off me then he throws it out the window. I've never researched what Tommy says about milk. I've just taken it as gospel. Yes, and so you should. When I drink milk, I think the human stomach has not evolved to cope with this. I shouldn't be drinking this. They've only been domesticated for however long.

Yeah, yeah. I haven't learnt nothing. Why am I still drinking milk? You shouldn't drink it. James learns all his facts from Guy Ritchie films. Yes, and that's how it should be. Yeah, that's all I know. Including, you know, that's why I'm a genie now because he made Aladdin. Yeah, yeah.

so now I'm now I see it I've based it all on that yeah I just based my life on Guy Ritchie's career choices whenever he's cutting bread up he says guns for show knives for a pro don't you yes I do take guns for a show knives for a pro yeah do you want anything in your water do you want some ice do you want some fruit no just on its own please on its own let me just thank you anyway

Depends where we are, I suppose. Oh, this is good. So where's the dream tap for the water? Well, now I'm going to sound like Rayleigh. Do you know what? Me and Alan have just come back from, we went to, I can't pronounce the name of the place, in Finland.

Okay. Right next to Father Christmas' house. Wow. Robin Yemi? That's you! Well done. Yeah, good lad. Yeah, I know. My wife worked there. She did a TV job there and she loves Robin Yemi and they went and met Santa. Absolutely. What a beautiful place. And we stayed in this really lovely hotel, this treehouse hotel. It was beautiful. The light's gorgeous. It was amazing. But the woman said at the desk, you won't need to drink the bottled water.

And we were like, oh, okay. And she was like, no. What is it? How do you pronounce it? Rovaniemi. She said, Rovaniemi. See, I said that. Just leave that. She said, Rovaniemi has the most, uh, purest water in the world. Wow. And I was like, really? She was like, yeah. And I was like, oh, okay. All right. So obviously we get into the room and I just, my face down in me and I'm going, no,

there's no way, there's no way, there's no way, it's not happening, no way. And I literally put the case in and went, cheers mate, thank you very much, thank you, did it, shut the door, ran in the bathroom, grabbed a glass, had a sip and I was like, I went, oh, honey, she's right and she's off doing something, she's like, what? And I went, the woman at the desk, she's bang on, this water's gorgeous. So, yeah, I would have tap water from, from,

Robin Yemi. And for the listener, by the way, we got to see some proper... You pretended to drink some water there. I'm not even lying here. I'm not saying this to be a smart ass. I genuinely thought you'd swallowed some water. I knew you hadn't. I knew you'd mimed a cup. Thank you very much. But you did it proper. Yeah, yeah. When you have the Robin Yemi water, do you want Father Christmas to be there? I

Depends what time of year it is, really. Yeah, it'd be weird to see him in summer, wouldn't it? Yeah. I don't want to see Santa in summer. In a Hawaiian shirt and sandals. Bermuda shorts. That's all right. There's a good character there, though, isn't there? What does Santa do when he's off? Summer Santa. Yeah. Summer Santa. Yeah. It would feel slightly different to your other work, the body of work. I feel like suddenly it would be a real left turn if you played Summer Santa in something.

We can still do it in a one-er. Yeah. One shot. Okay. Santa on holiday. Santa on holiday. Yeah. Yeah.

What do you reckon he did? Do you reckon he shaved his beard? Because you're not going to be wanting to get recognised by everyone, are you? No, and if you're in a hot... If you're going to Hawaii or something, you don't want a big white beard. Yeah, you don't want that. Okay, so he shaves the beard off. Yeah. Where's he going? Hawaii? I think, yeah, Hawaii maybe, I think. He wants to go somewhere warm, I guess. Yeah. Or on safari, maybe? I don't know if that would be... His job is so grueling. Don't you reckon Mrs Claus has picked where to go because she's the one who's doing all the graft, really, into that one? Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

So if it's anything like Aros, she's decided where he's going. He just goes along. Yeah. Do you reckon he gets told to shave before they go? I'd imagine so. I'd imagine what happens is he gets told to shave every year. Then he complains about having to shave. But when he arrives, he's like, oh, thank God you told me to shave because it's so warm here. But then he forgets by next year. And he's like, I'm not going to shave this year. Do you remember what happened last year, Santa? Yeah. Yeah.

So it must be weird for him to choose a location because he can get anywhere. He can get the whole world in one night if he wants to. Yeah. So it's weird for him to go, are you serious? We're going to choose one place for a week. Yeah, but then look at it, right? He's kind of like someone that works as a...

as a cabin crew does that make English yeah I think that makes English I don't think that makes English okay let's keep that English then he's kind of like a cabin crew person and then you know they don't always get to stop off duty they have to clean the gaff clean the plane get everything done and then they back off again sure so they don't when you go oh you must see some lovely countries everywhere

Not really, no. No, we stop, we have a little get ourselves together, have a coffee and then we're back off again. And we're back home and we're in our own bed by half nine, ten o'clock. So it's the same for Father Christmas, isn't it, really? It is the same. Even worse. Yeah, even worse, yeah. Yeah, he's just sitting in chimneys and fireplaces if he's lucky. Yeah, yeah. It's just like necking brandies. He's so pissed by the second country that he doesn't remember any of it anyway. Smashing carrots. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Because Rudolph's not eating all of them, is he? No. Santa's getting back to the sleigh. Rudolph's going, is there any carrots in there this time? None this time, Rudolph. I'll let you know if there's some in the next one. The world's changed. It's a biscuit though. Yeah, yeah. One of those.

Pop-a-dums or bread, Stephen Graham? Would you like pop-a-dums or bread? James normally shouts this. The whole thing is he shouts it at the guest. Well, there's not a need to shout it every time. What's happened here, Stephen? He's seen the pictures of you boxing. Yeah, of course. And he's got scared because, I mean, you're almost certainly not aware of this, but James has called you out on the podcast before. What? When? He's called you out for a...

for a ruck oh yeah yeah you don't hold on a second when did I is this is this flat I don't remember this it's happened it happened on Izuka's episode do you have backup with a recording of this yeah yeah oh it's been out you know can we play the recording can we play the recording can you can you find a recording while we're in conversation and we'll get back to this team we'll just put this on hold for a minute

Just for a minute, we'll just put this on hold for a minute. James, shut up, lad. I'm talking. We'll just put this on hold for a minute. If you find what he said... Whoa. Hang on. You've had your minute. We'll find what he said and then we'll come back to it. But for now, we'll carry on as normal. Yeah. We're still mates. Okay. Just for now. I think Azuka might have said it. No. Maybe you've got it at your wife's cost. You said it and Azuka laughed in your face. Okay. Okay.

I think he's got his wires crossed, Stephen, but we will carry on. Let's carry on as normal. We'll carry on as normal. I think you've got your wires crossed, Ed. Okay. You might have said that, actually. I apologise if I've got my wires crossed, but I think we both know that I have them. We'll find out, because we've got, you know, we've got factual... Oh. What? He's got his... How did he fucking do something like that? He never does anything fast. It's probably happened on about five episodes. I don't think this will be... Can we all hear this?

Let's see what they did. Meanwhile, Stephen Graham's just stood looking at you like he's going to rip your head off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's his resting face, right? Oh, he's like a giant puppy as well, though. Yeah. Oh, here we go. Go on.

No, no, no. I actually said it. I'm sure he is like a little puppy dog. I'm sure he is like a little puppy dog. He shouldn't run his mouth off on TV shows. Has he ever made a statement to counter your challenge? No, because he's a busy man who doesn't need to be bothering himself with stupid little things. That's what I thought. He went Jonathan Ross and he fired shots at Romesh. That's all of us. And I'm disappointed in you, Ed, for not...

Not calling him out. Oh, look, I'm not calling him out, but I'm very happy for you to call him out because I want to see what happens. You know what's going to happen. Yeah. You're going to get your head ripped off. You're going to get absolutely fucking pummelled. As if. As if, man. That would never happen. Oh, I'm sorry.

Have you seen him recently? Has he seen himself? Has he seen me? Has he seen himself? How's that a comeback? Yeah, he looked at himself and went, yeah, me. Even without him here, you panic there. Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself? Has he seen himself

No, I don't want to see what would happen. I tell you what, we wouldn't even need one take, man. Me beating him up. We'd do that in half a take. Yeah. Game over. End of film. Is it a film that you're getting beaten up in now? Yeah, I'm the hero. I think that might have been Ed's take. That sounded like Ed to me. So what did I do to Romesh? I don't know. No, no, no, come on, you're saying it. What did I do to Romesh?

I think that... It's out there now. Your ass went in, didn't it? What did I do to Romesh? Answer the question. Well, I think maybe what that was a reference to was... I think you might have gone on Jonathan Ross with Romesh. Yes, I did, yeah. And Romesh may have said... It's just my memory. Go ahead, because I'm with you now. I remember this fucking thing. Go ahead. What happened? Go on. I think Romesh might have said that Liverpool audiences aren't good audiences. He doesn't like playing in Liverpool. Yeah.

And he said, because they heckle and they don't listen and stuff. And I think you said, oh, this is my memory. I'm just trying to remember. I think you said. No, I'll tell you exactly what I said. I said, maybe if you were fucking funny, I rest my case, bollocks. It's over. Yeah, that's what I said. Yeah, well. That's all I said.

Look, and I know some of you have this attitude where it's like, I'm just doing my job. No, you're a comedian. I've paid fucking 25, 30 quid here. I've brought me missus. That's 70 quid before I've even fucking sat down. And I want to have a laugh. So make me laugh. That's your job, innit? Yeah. So fucking make me laugh. I agree.

Thank you. And that's not just Scouts. That should be all over the bastard country. If I'm paying money to go and watch a comedian, what? I mean, you're like fucking Jorah Self. Do you know what I mean? You're going on and on and on about bollocks. I don't want you doing that. I want you to be what you should be. Ron Seal, do what it says on the fucking tin. Make me laugh, bastard. End of story. Can we carry on now with the show? Yeah.

You okay, James? I'm good. I agree with you. Okay. I think that's a fair... Yeah. That's a good point well made. It's a fair comment, isn't it? It's a good point well made. I always had your back, Steve. Thank you. Thanks. You know, I think, in my defense, I think Benito edited that to sound weird. That's all right, Benito. I think you should just admit you made a mistake and we'll move on, James. Yeah, I probably just made a mistake. Yeah. Okay. Pop-a-dums or bread? I'll have pop-a-dums, please. Yeah.

Let's get into your main meal proper now. Let's get into your main meal. Okay. Your dream starter. Dream starter. Yeah.

Okay. Now, I come with an unfair advantage because I've played this game quite a lot. We call it something different. We call it Death Row Dinner. Oh, great. Lovely. And on set, it's a great game to play with, you know, when you meet new people and it's kind of between takes and all that. So, my dream starter is, I was in New York a few years ago and I was in Chinatown and I absolutely love one-ton soup. Yeah.

I love wonton soup. And when I used to go to a Chinese with my mum back in the day when I was a kid and stuff, we used to test the quality of a Chinese by its wonton soup. So we'd start with the wonton soup. And I found this restaurant. I was up some stairs and I went into this Chinese restaurant and I asked for the wonton soup and it came. And it was like I'd found the Holy Grail. It was this gorgeous bowl with some beautiful design on it.

and it was just a lovely, I can still see it now. It just had the dumplings just floating in it, just right, a little bit of bok choy, a little bit of spring onion and stuff. And it was just, it was beautiful. And I tasted it and it was absolutely gorgeous. So that's my starter. Can you remember the name of the place? I can't.

I could probably never find it again. It's almost like that's better. Like, because it's just the complete sort of like hazy dream. Yeah. It's almost like it wasn't real. Just the perfect wonton soup. Exactly. That sounds beautiful. It happened once and it'll never happen again. Oh, look, I'm salivating. You are? Yeah. You've got a faraway look in your eye. It was wonderful. I had found the holy grail of wonton soup.

I think everyone's got that with like one food item where like they they're trying to find the best one wherever they go and when you do find that one it is it is very special and it probably is I've talked about it on podcasts before Milton Jones and I on tour did it with custard slices and

We found one in a service station in Wales. It was the best one. We've never been able to find it again since. That service has vanished. Like, it was a ghost service. Where about in Wales was it? It was like, literally, the first services we got to when we went into Wales over the bridge, and it's the first one we came to, and it's like it's not there anymore. We can't figure it out. We didn't, like, log in our heads what the services was called because we were just so high on custard. Ha!

And like now, it's like we just haven't seen it again. It was so, but like, yeah, it was so great. And I know what you mean. It's probably the best that you don't even remember the restaurant. Yeah. It's the surroundings as well sometimes, isn't it? Of course. If you're in New York and Chinatown, it's so like evocative. Yeah. What were you doing in New York? Were you working? Yeah, we were filming Boardwalk Empire. Nice. So it was quite a while ago. Al Capone. Yeah. You weren't still in character as Al Capone when you were going for one time. No, not at all. No, no, no. Dodging your taxes. No, no, no.

Did you keep that in your mind when you were playing Al Capone? Did you go, remember?

I'm not paying tax. Does that help with the character? No. Because he was up to other stuff as well. He had a lot of other things going on. Syphilis? Yes. He had syphilis. He went mad. And he got that from a very young age, actually. Did he? Yeah. I didn't know that. And his scars were very interesting. I know he got his scars as well. They were around about when he was 17, 18 or 19, I think, back in New York. Yeah.

He used to work in a restaurant and there was a fella who was there with a young lady and he was a bit flippant. I was and like kind of, you know, flippant.

flirting with this young girl in front of this fella and the fella actually sliced his face oh my goodness three times in a restaurant yeah it was like a kind of restaurant cafe where he worked yeah not our restaurant no that would never happen in a dream restaurant unless you wanted it to if that's your dream we're standing in the way of it people have rarely asked for that no actually yeah

What would you want your dream restaurant to look like? And who do you want to be with for the meal as well? What are the surroundings? Obviously, I'm there with Hannah. Yeah. My missus. Okay, so can it, well, it's a dream, isn't it? Yeah, totally. Oh, my mum. It'd be nice to see my mum again. Yeah. So, yeah, Hannah, my mum and my dad, I think, and my two kids, yeah. Yeah.

and we're sat there. Should we make it someone's birthday? Yeah, for sure. Okay. Not mine. I don't want the attention. Let's make it Hannah's birthday. Hannah's birthday. Hannah's birthday. Yeah. Oh no, okay. So now I'm bringing a lot back from the dead here. All right, let's have Hannah's mum and her dad as well. You know what I mean? So I brought three from the dead. Yeah. You don't want to have to explain to Hannah that you've had this power and you've not brought her mum and dad. You forgot. Exactly. That's what I've well done. That's what my brain quickly did. Yeah.

Yeah, so it was like, okay, we'll have all of us. Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. And it'd be nice for your mum to taste the New York wonton soup as well. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As the fellow wonton soup fanatic. And she'd go, oh, well done, lad, you found it. Yeah, so that's who's there. And we're in a nice round table with one of those, what's them, what are them lovely? Lazy Susan. Lazy Susan. Yep.

I love a lazy Susan. It's a great name. It is a great name. It's really good. It's fun to turn it around. Who came up with a lazy Susan? It wasn't Susan. Definitely wasn't Susan. I'm not fucking lazy. You cheeky bastard. She's running late to the mail. Exactly.

but it's like who's you know it moves around in the middle and who's hmm I think we'll call that a lazy but anyway one of those great tables and let's let's stick with the theme let's let's make it although none of the rest of the food is but let's make it a lovely kind of Chinese restaurant yeah nice yeah

And what does make a great wonton soup? What is the criteria that you're looking for every time you've had... Flavour. Pure flavour. But they're not being stingy with the little wontons. Yeah. Make sure that they've got a nice big, you know, they're solid. Yeah. You don't want to be looking for them, right? No. Yeah, yeah. Because then it's all... Isn't it? You know what I mean? Yeah, nice packed wontons. Yeah, nice. You don't want it to leave you wanting more. How are we feeling about that? I'm feeling bad about it. Oh.

As soon as I said it. How do you think that would go down in Liverpool? I do. That's why I'm sad. Yeah. We were doing so well. It probably wouldn't go well in Liverpool if I said that. Your dream main course? Okay. Stephen. I'm torn between two. Anna's roast dinner is phenomenal. Yeah. She makes an amazing roast dinner. I think I'll be too full and I want to dosh on the couch after that. So that's not going to happen, but it is amazing.

So what I am going to do is I'm going to pull it from the memory banks. And again, it's in New York, but I can mix it about with other things, can't I? So me and my mate, Buck, we went down to the Chelsea Harbour, is it? I think. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. To this wonderful fish market. And we bought lobsters. Nice. Right, but they weren't like ridiculously expensive. And they were two big, massive lobsters, huge lobsters.

And he bought these lobsters and he bought some potatoes. Because I think we'd been to a restaurant a couple of nights before and we had lobster and it was lovely. Lobster's my favourite, it's delicious. And he was like, we should buy some. And I was like, what, where from? And he was like, we'll go to Chelsea Harbour. And I was like, you can cook lobsters? And he was like, yeah, we've got a big pot, we'll just do them. So we bought these massive giant lobsters.

and he bought some potatoes and he filled the pot and he literally you know it's not the nicest thing when it comes to cooking lobsters it's not very but you do have to do that bit otherwise it's even weirder I think well of course yeah that would be very weird I don't want to be cruel so I'm just going to eat it like a big apple yeah that wouldn't in the big apple in the big apple that gets something in Liverpool that joke

If I did eat like a big apple in the Big Apple, surely that gets something. Do I look like I'm laughing? No, you don't, to be fair. So when you make me laugh, I will laugh. That's fair. Ed's done it a good few times. That's true. You've seen me laugh, haven't you? I love kicking Liverpool. Well, I am capable of laughter. Yeah, absolutely. You're all capable of laughter. If we are made to laugh. Yeah. Okay, so back to the story. Yeah.

he throws the lobsters in the pot with some potatoes. And then we cracked them open and we had them with a little... That was it. So them lobsters and he had them with some potatoes. But what I would have with my lobster, I'd have that lobster from Buch. I'd have my Auntie Vera's chips because they're just unbelievable. They were unbelievable. They were the best chips ever. They were phenomenal, my Auntie Vera's chips. They were...

thick, crispy, crunchy, but dead soft in the middle. They were the perfect chip. Did she look a fryer at home? Yeah, she did. She did in the fryer. Yeah, like the old-fashioned, not this air fryer. You know, it was proper old-fashioned, big, proper chip pan. Better than Chippy Chips. Wow. That's a big call. And I'm saying it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm saying it. That's huge. Better than Chippy Chips. Wow. Well better. These were gorgeous chips. So I'd have them, and then I'd have some broccoli. Mm-hmm.

Some long stem broccoli, a little bit of fresh chili and some Parmesan on the top. And that's it. I'm giving you the lemon. Yeah. Just to squeeze gently over the lobster. Are you putting butter on the lobster as well? I'm not. Okay. Just because we're in training for, you know, we've got to lose a little bit of weight. So I'm not. Yeah. But you're more than welcome to. Sure. You can even do a Thermidor sauce if you want. Yeah.

I always think that's yeah I mean it's not like I'm eating lobster every day or anything but I like the just the meat of it is so good with a bit of butter is delicious yeah so good it's really good quality and the thing's just got loads of flavour in it anyway you kind of don't want to cover that up no you don't want to mess with it too much do you that sounds really nice do you like that yeah yeah

Oh God, yeah, that sounds amazing. He's getting stuck into that. I'll get stuck into that. Are you putting on a bib for the lobster? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to get stuck right into it, don't you? And I like the fact you've got your auntie V's chips with them.

as well like you got like two memories going on once there yeah simultaneously yeah and maybe you've always yeah you clearly always thought what if i could just combine those chips with this well yeah that was exactly like do you is your auntie vera's chips do you think about them every time you're having chips i haven't had chips for a long time but my auntie vera used to make the best chips bar none so my mom was all right but she couldn't she didn't have a patch on me yeah chips

So that's almost good that you've had the best chips you'll ever have. Yeah. So now when you're in training and you're not having chips, you don't worry about it because they're never going to be as good. No. And even to the extent when I talk, when Grace and Alfie, when we go to Liverpool, occasionally and when my auntie Vera was around, we go to our Vera's, the first thing them two kids would say was, Vera, can we have some chips? And she'd go, yeah, all right. Ahoy there! I'm stuck in this crevasse!

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So your dream side dish. Can I have some spinach? Yeah. Okay, I'll have a little bit of spinach then as well. Garlic, fresh garlic. Beautiful. Mixed in there with the spinach. I do love spinach. More and more, I'm a big broccoli and spinach guy. Because growing up, you're like, just get that down. You're supposed to eat it if you want everything else. But now, I look forward to the broccoli and spinach. That's nice. Yeah. It's a good vehicle for garlic and butter, isn't it? Yeah. Great vehicle.

see that's funny he's funny what with the vehicle yeah I liked it are you sure yeah but I just saw that was like a small thing oh hang on let me explain do I have to explain I

I just thought it was funny. He's in a vehicle and I just saw some little broccoli sitting on some, you know, some garlic sitting on the broccoli. It's a vehicle. It's me, you know. That's what I was doing. He played with the words. He was very clever. That's you doing the work. Clever. He didn't mean a little bit of garlic sitting on the broccoli. No, no, no. That's not me doing the work. Yeah. It's given from my head to go, oh, that's funny. Sometimes you just have to plant the seed when you're a funny comedian. What the?

Funny's natural anyway. You just, you know, some people are naturally funny. No matter what I'm saying. Ed and Gene Wilder don't have to work at it. You do. Ed and Gene Wilder? That's what I've said, yeah. What the fuck?

You in that echelon now? Yeah. Listen, I'm your biggest fan, Ed. I pick you up all the time. That's true. But Wilder? Yeah. We're talking Gene Wilder. Yeah. And you're saying yeah? Yeah. Wow. Founder. I'm Wonka. You're Wonka now? Yeah. Holy moly. Well, congratulations. Thank you. They know you're the new Gene Wilder. Sometimes. It doesn't matter what you say. If you're funny, it just seeps out your pores, doesn't it, Steve? It's just a natural ability. Yeah.

So you meant to put in the image of a little bit of garlic riding on some broccoli like a vehicle? No, the broccoli is the vehicle, yeah. Yeah, so the garlic's riding on the broccoli. Now you're explaining it, you've made it not funny, which is just... With the chilli and stuff. It has to just hit you subliminally, do you know what I mean? I just saw him sitting on that vehicle. He brought the garlic and the chilli to life. Put yourself in my shoes if I'm seeing Romesh on a chat show. Yeah.

And he's my friend and he's getting absolutely destroyed. Like torn limb from limb. The audience applauded your comment. I think they found me funny. I think that's like, you know. Did you speak to Romesh in the green room after? Me and Romesh text often. He's a lovely fellow. Yeah, we get on really well. So Romesh didn't mind. And you've gone on this campaign. Yeah. On Romesh's behalf. You haven't even chatted with him. In the defense of what? Yeah.

I defended all comedy, all comedians. Stephen likes comedy. I love comedy. Yeah, I guess I can't say you don't because you did find the vehicle joke funny. And at the time, it was funny. I do accept full responsibility for running the joke into the ground and removing the humour from it. Yeah, Wilder wouldn't do that. And you can tell I like comedy because I plucked out Gene Wilder from nowhere. LAUGHTER

And even you were impressed. I was quite impressed. It did come out of nowhere. Yeah, yeah. I was like... No, no. I'm similar as a dreamer. And only a true comedian could know how funny dreamer that actually was. Yeah, that's true. That's why I hate you. Yeah? See, what I've done is I've beaten you without raising a finger. That is what's scary about it. It's like... It's like... The fight's already happened, in a way. Yeah. Yeah.

It's psychological. And it's over. We now don't need to fight. Completely in my own head. Yeah. It's like, you know, you know, in a, you know, cause like we were, we were talking about food. Yeah. And now I'm just, I'm just defeat. Yeah. And it's like,

You know when this is England and you're talking about the food. Yeah. With the theme of milky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're talking about rice and peas and making food. Of course, yeah. And that's how I feel. Yeah. Can I tell you a quick little story about that? I think I know this. Oh, do you? Well, what an awful interview technique. No. Imagine that having a guest on and them saying they're going to tell a story and going, I know this. I think I know this one before you tell it.

I'm just too in my own head. I can't even interview people now. I'm just spoiling people's stories. Graham Norton knows everyone's stories. Graham Norton is just setting people up. He never says. I know this one. The researcher told me it. He's never done that, has he? No.

I don't know the story, Steve. Okay, I'll tell you. Thank you. The night before we did that scene. Yeah, I know this. Okay. But I shall tell it. I asked Shane and I asked Shimmy, who played Milky, because we were filming in Nottingham, I think, at that time. And I asked if we could go to his nana's house and his nana could make us some proper rice and peas. And we sat down and had a really lovely, lovely dinner. And I met his family. And it was kind of...

For me, I wanted to do that so we could have that experience. And then also in the same respect, I wanted his nanny and his side of the family to know that what we were going to do the next day, because we didn't really know what we were going to do. We had an idea of where it may go, but the beauty and the genius that is Shane Meadows, that's the kind of, that's how we work. You improvise it. So you're never sure what's going to happen. You don't really have...

And then goal, it's all about where we go to and how we get there creatively as a collective, which is beautiful, which is a wonderful way to work.

So it was for me to explain that whatever happened that next day, that's not how Stephen thinks at all. And that's not where Stephen comes from just to really explain it to them. But also to share that, there's something lovely about sharing a meal with someone else's family, isn't it? You know what I mean? They accept you into their family and it was really beautiful. And also I felt it was vital and important for me to explain that I'm mixed race as well. Do you know what I mean? So they completely understood where I was coming from.

And then it just gave us that kind of sense of when we were talking about it within the scene, we have that emotional connection and experience with it because we did it last night. So I know what it's like to be in his joyous family and he's speaking about what his family are like and how lovely it is because I met his aunties, his uncles, his nana. And so I saw that, you know what I mean?

And then we took that kind of knowledge and information and that emotional connection with sitting around together into the experience of the scene, which just gave it that real kind of sense of gravity as well, I suppose. You know what I mean? It came from a place of truth and authenticity, which

Which is something I think every artist is striving for. Yeah, when you did the TV series for This Is England and the character came back, is it the same process there with the improvising? Because I remember, because I love the film so much, and then the TV series was almost like another magic trick where you go, because obviously you always go, oh, I hope that they don't undo what happened in the film. Yeah.

And especially bringing your character back and like reconcile and like trying to reconcile with that character. And I felt that by the end, it was the perfect end to it. And this, but it could have gone so many ways. Were you improvising that as well? Like that?

what those characters were doing in the tv series or did you have a really clear thing of this is where we want this to go between these two characters no again it's that same kind of process um jack as well jack thorne who wrote that would show they have a structure and we kind of have an idea of what's going to happen in the scene but then as again you know we're allowed to improvise and create in in that process but we do have a rough idea where we're going to go to

and it's about us finding the same objective together to get there. Do you know what I mean? But it's all improvised. Jack writes so beautifully. You absorb his writing and then you speak within the scenes and you suddenly realize that, oh yeah, I'm saying a lot of the stuff that I've read, but you're also adding on top of it. Do you know what I mean? So that was, and that was one of the key reasons

I did say when, because I was, like you've just said there, I had that same fear thinking, is it going to be as good as the film? Surely the film's on its own. We should leave it alone. But it was, when it was explained, and for me, it was more about then getting to follow the other characters and letting them all have a moment in the sunshine. Do you know what I mean? And I thought it was a beautiful series. I thought it was so well done, the television series. That whole final series, you know, is, for me, when I was watching it, it's like, this is all about forgiveness. Yeah.

And I just think that's an important thing for all of us to just keep in mind in this room with each other. I see what you've done. Yeah. Just life. I see where you're going. Just life in general. Yeah, no, I get that. You've done really well. But, you know, I think one of the key aspects of forgiveness is to make sure that the other person, as well as yourself,

accepts full accountability for their behaviour. Because then they're still holding on to something and you can never truly... I'm fucking piped out, Wonga. I'm trying to defend myself. Your dream drink, Stephen Gray. Where me nana used to live, on the road, in me nana's road, the limo van used to come round.

and the Lemo van was I think it was Schofield Lemonade and it used it was a red van and back in the day where you get crates of Lemo delivered do you know what I mean and if you give the bottle back it was 10 pence yeah the bottle was 10 pence and you got your 10 pence back

but there used to be all these lovely flavours but I'm just thinking about that I remember like during the summer running around the block and that playing footy and just like running everywhere and maybe about 13 12 probably about 11 12 10 11 12 running into me nannies

grabbing the limo out the fridge and just taking the top off and just, you know that guzzle when you're young? Just necking it, yeah, yeah. Where you feel like you're about to have a heart attack and you just can't, your eyes are popping out and everything, you've got tears coming down your face and you're just, and then you put it down and then that lovely bit in Elf, and you just had this almighty babe, didn't you? From nowhere. Yeah.

That and the particular flavor that I used to, oh, it was in the fridge. I think it was pineapple.

pineapple lemonade pineapple lemonade great full of thousands of E numbers yeah yeah yeah of course it was bright was it like bright yellow bright yellow each kid was getting a hell of a head rush and a buzz from it straight away do you know what I mean it was our first apple with drugs really lemonade yeah with the amount of stuff that must have been in it the amount of sugar in there but that was it it's got to be and it was Schofield's lemonade it was Schofield's lemonade and it was the pineapple flavour

Was that the best tasting burp from the lemonade? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Proper taste of pineapple when it comes back up. It was from the depths of your soul as well, wasn't it? It was just like a little, excuse me. It was... I can't imagine how excited I would have been if there was a lemonade van coming around my house. Oh,

I'd be at the window all day. It was great. Sounds great. I've never seen a lemonade van before. I'd absolutely love it. Every week. Every week. The limo van used to come around. And also you'd jump on the back of it as well and get a little ride and get sheltered and have to jump off, yeah, on the back of the limo van. The poor limo van driver. Yeah. Every street you go to. What are you doing, you little shits? Get off me, man! Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, come on, is it tequila? Yeah, that's what we were like when we were little. Constantly having to tell kids to get off his back. What were the other flavours? Do you remember? Yes, they had American cream soda. Nice. I love cream soda. Which was green. Oh, wow. Fluorescent green. Then they had your traditional lemonade. Nice.

Not Coca-Cola, you had a cola. Oh, and then there was like a kind of defunct... Oh, Dandelion and Beardoch. Nice. Of course, yeah, yeah. Dandelion and Beardoch. And then they had this kind of like Tizer, but not quite Tizer, because it wasn't Tizer. Was it orange? Oh, they had an orange. Yeah, yeah. They did have an orange. Oh, okay. But then they had another flavour like a red. Maybe it was raspberry, but it wasn't quite raspberry. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, so they had a crate. We used to get a crate. My nanny used to get a crate every...

I don't know if it must have been Friday or something like that great and was Schofield like a local like was that that guy I don't know if it was that fella it must have been the make of the it must have been the company that made the lemonade but the bottles they had Schofield on the bottle Scowee's bottles I remember that because Drew Schofield lived across the road from banana and at first when I was a kid I used to think they were his Drew Schofield is one of the reasons why I'm an actor today he's a you know he's from Liverpool he's a wonderful actor but

And he was in a thing called Scully when I was a kid. And because he lived across the road from my nanny and I'd see him, I knew that being an actor could be

achievable it was obtainable because there's Drew and he lives across the road so if Drew can do it maybe I can do it I even said that to the careers officer when the careers officer went so what do you want to do and I went I want to be an actor he's like come on lad what do you want to do I was like yeah I want to be an actor he's like no no no come on proper job you be a brickie or an electrician or something I went no I want to be an actor no you can't be an actor when I can Drew's an actor yeah

He had no fucking answer to that. Yeah. Because Drew was an actor. And Drew is an actor and he's a phenomenal actor. His name's Drew Schofield. That's the connection. But he's not connected to the Lemonade. I don't think so. I'd have to ask him. But no, I don't think the limo had anything to do with him. If you'd known, if you'd found out he was, that might have destroyed your dreams of being an actor because you're like, of course, he's just a, he's in the biz. Yeah, actually. Went to Lemonade. Yeah. Well, maybe that could have been his cover. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I had to teach for school.

tell me that I couldn't do any of like you know I was saying like I wanted to do comedy and a bunch of different things can't can't do that it's not gonna happen and then she turned no I'm not sure what you're gonna think of this story actually you are so in your own head you've never said that you've never preempted one of your stories by saying I'm not sure what you're gonna think well we'll see what your opinion is yeah oh by the way I've heard this one yeah yeah yeah

You know this one? I know this one. You know what happens? Yeah, yeah. I was on tour.

I went on stage in Cambridge and someone had their, not just their feet, but their entire legs on the stage. I looked and it was her, my teacher from school, who told me I couldn't do this. And I looked down and it was her, which was with her mates, and they're hammered. They just ruined the whole show. The whole show, just shouting out, shout heckling. And then when I tried to deal with them, they'd go, they'd turn serious and go, show some respect, that's your teacher. I was like...

At the time, I was like, I don't know, 30. I was like, I'm 30 years old. I'm not going to be a teacher anymore. They're like, ah, shut up. They ruined it. And I came on stage and I was still on Facebook at the time. I had a message from her because she had followed me on Facebook after their school.

and she said, she was hammered, she was like, that was great. We had a great night. We're in the pub across the street. Come and have a drink with us. So I messaged back. Oh, hang on. Where's this going? Yeah, yeah. Now she's my wife. This is me. She's like, I got it. I'm paying back everyone. He's laughing.

He's like, Gene Wilder. Gene Wilder, come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination. But basically I said to her, I'm not going to go for a drink with her. I did go for a drink with her and then she said, the people next to us, they bollocked us.

For ruining the show. They said we ruined the show. They don't know what comedy is. And I said, actually, I would never do this now. I just ignore the message. But I went, actually, you did kind of ruin it.

she was like no we didn't she was like that's what comedy is about and i was like well i don't think and it's went on for a week back and forth kept replying to her arguing with my old school teacher she was like you know what you're about we were great and then uh a newspaper a local cambridge newspaper wrote a review of it the gig and the headline was something like sadly or tragically it started out oh god the comedian's gig tragically ruined by ex-teacher was the

headline. Okay, I did not know this story. That's amazing. The whole article slags her off. I just forwarded it to her. I think some people agree with me that you did. Any response from her? She said, well, fair enough then, I'm sorry. And that was it. So she did apologise. She did apologise at the end.

Ahoy there! My chute! It won't open! Don't worry! I'm here to save you! Thank you! Up to 89% on the cost of your shipping with PirateShip.com! What? Shall I take that... Wait! Where are you going? To save you up to 89%! PirateShip.com will save you money on shipping.

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We arrive at your dream dessert. Do you have a sweet tooth for you into dessert? I can be. Yeah. Occasionally. But this is, there's two. One sounds quite poncy and the other one's like really kind of, yeah, I'll go with a poncy one first. Okay.

I've forgotten the name of the restaurant. Hang on. Where is it? You've got the bath, the building there, and it's just down that way a little bit. It's called... The Woolsey? That's it. Here you go. Oh, wow. Got it. Well done. Well done, Ed. Well done, Ed. Yeah. Well done. Wow. Not bad. See? Look, I'm saying you can't just pull it out of my head, can you? He did. Ed can. Ed can. He pulled it out of your head. Yeah. Amazing. Well done. Yeah.

Yeah. I've got a bit that that was good. Come with me. Mr Wonka. So it's in there. It's in the Walsley, which is a really lovely establishment. It is. And it is a mille-feuille. Lovely. Yeah. You look so happy just remembering it there. Well, because it's absolutely delicious. Yeah. Yeah. The particular one that they do is gorgeous.

And what is it? What is that dessert? Ed, do you want to describe the perfect milk for me? Puff pastry layers with sweetened cream, would you say, in between? Sometimes with fruit, maybe with raspberries or something like that. Dusted with icing sugar on the top. It's got to be dusted. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And like beautiful, soft, creamy center, but then also the real texture of the snap of the puff pastry. Yeah. It's perfect. What's the description? Yeah. Well done. Yeah. That's well described. Yeah. Top marks. So that's, that's, that's one. Yeah. And the other one is my Nana's apple crumble.

Which is, you know, it was just so lovely. And I just remember it so much as a kid. I have such fond, vivid memories of being in my Nana's kitchen. We come from a big family, a huge family. And Sundays and that, she used to make dinners. But it'd be all different times. You know, people would be coming into the house at different times and all that and everything. And she'd make a wonderful Sunday dinner. But her apple crumble was unbelievable. Unbelievable.

absolutely unbelievable. It was just the perfect consistency. There was loads of crumble because I ate it when they just give you the tiny slither of crumble. Yeah, yeah. The crumble was thick and you could really get your teeth into it. But then the apples was soft but still slightly...

Just enough, not quite, you know that kind of al dente type at the beginning, just for that initial, but then it was like, and yeah. And the layer of pastry as well at the bottom was perfect. It just used to, it just had that right density to it and it was just delicious. And the custard was always, always homemade. Beautiful. Always homemade. Yeah.

No disrespect to you, but none of the Ambrosia out of the tin stuff, do you know what I mean? Or these days out of the carton, which I find strange. Yeah, cussed in the carton. What are they doing? It was weird. What are you playing at? Cussed in the carton. No, no, no, no, don't do that. Don't do that. But they do. But his was proper made from scratch and it was absolutely delicious. Yeah. So I think that has to be up there. And I just remember, you know, in my Nana's kitchen as well, when she used to make, she used to make like little,

lemon tarts and jam tarts and loads of little fairy cakes and stuff like that and mixing the stuff in the bowl mixing it all together in a bowl and then like about three or four of us stood there waiting to get the spoon it sounds terrible as they regret the spoon she'd take it back give it to the next one yeah it was lovely it was the best getting the spoon I remember it won't surprise you and this isn't really going to do me any favours in the you know trying to sound tough other than that ship sailed but like um

I was in the Scouts for ages. And I remember there was one night where they're just making something. I don't know what it was, but probably it was like cakes or something. It was Pancake Day or some shit. And we all wanted to just like have the mixture. And there was this really like this Scoutmaster who was a bit stern. And he said, if you eat that, you will die. I remember it really vividly. We've been eating this all our lives. Yeah, yeah.

we're all fine it's like do not eat that that is basically poison and if you do that is very very serious about it so like the amount of raw dough i ate as a child like love it absolutely i was like don't cook it mum yeah yeah we just want that yeah yeah so when ben and jerry started doing cookie dough and ice cream i was like finally someone gets me yeah someone understands who i am yeah yeah i love i love sweet stuff i've got big sweet tooth it's a big part of the podcast

I can tell you the only sweet thing that I don't like, Stephen, is, and it makes me wince just thinking about it. Milfoy and Stephen's Nana's Apple Crumble. Imagine. Imagine if I tried that right at the end. You'd get away with a Milfoy, but no. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Taking my life in my own hands. All the bare knuckle trading comes into full. I'll be dead.

Yes. No, it's the sugar in the kettle, in the water, in time. Oh, oh my God. That makes me wince. Every time I think about that, it's one of the most painful scenes I think I've ever seen in a TV show, in a film, anything.

obviously the performance of the person who has it chucked on them because obviously they just do it so well shot brilliantly as well wasn't it yeah it was so fast because we're in there as well we're in the room god we come in we see the kettle we see it all we're like what are you doing what's going on and then we go with and then we see and then we see the action of and we come back with that pace and we hear the scream oh

It's so quickly done. Horrible. Jimmy McGovern, what a marvellous writer. But again, you know, that's based on those things. I mean, that really happens in those situations. Which I obviously didn't know anything about that. James Nelson Joyce, who's also in A Thousand Blows. Oh, wow. He plays my brother in A Thousand Blows, James. Oh, great. He plays, oh, that's weird. He plays Treacle.

I play Sugar. He plays Treacle. Yeah, keep you two apart. Actually, that's Sugar and Treacle. Yeah, that's true. We shot something there, do you remember? Oh, yes, we did. In the prison. In the same prison that you shot Time in. Yeah. We did Celebrity Hunted, Evan and I, where you get hunted by professional man hunters.

Oh, I've seen it on Channel 4. I've seen trailers of it. Was it good fun to do? Yeah. But they always want to start it somewhere different. And they were like, this is going to be, you're all in a prison and you break out of a prison. And, uh...

And as soon as we got there, that's the first thing they said. They shot time here. Well, there's one of the cells is like, has signs up saying. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He stayed, he was in that cell. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sean, Sean's character was in that. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, they're very proud of it. That has, it should be. How did you get on with, we tried to, we would try to be funny, Steve. Okay. So we weren't very good at it. So you can imagine. Yeah. Yeah.

We lasted a week. Did you? Yeah, we lasted a week. Be honest with me then. Is it like kind of, okay, film's finished now, go back to your hotel? No, not at all. So you've got to find places to stay along the way by a certain point when they stop filming. Legitimately. Legitimately, yeah. So we would arrive, we'd be basically in a race to get to where we wanted to go to be able to sleep. So when we were like going to pubs and, you know, begging for a room and all of that sort of stuff. Yeah. It was more real than I thought.

If I'd known how real it was, I wouldn't have signed up for it. It was really good watching him realise that. It was fun. But yeah, I enjoyed it. We had some good food and drink there. The best pint I've ever had was on the run with Ed.

Nice. The Timothy Taylor. Yeah, there's nothing more refreshing than a pint after a long day on the run. Yeah, after a long day of running for your life. I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. Okay. You would like tap water from? Rovaniemi. You would like poppadoms? We didn't really talk much about that. Starter, you would like wonton soup from Chinatown in New York?

Main course, you would like lobster from Chelsea Harbour, auntie Vera's chips on the side. Your side dish, we've got the long-stem broccoli with the chilli and the parmesan, with a bit of lemon to go over all the lobster, and spinach and garlic as well on the side. Drink Schofield's pineapple lemonade. Dessert, the milfwee from the Walsley, and Nana's apple crumble with homemade...

Custard. Beautiful. What do you think about that? I think that sounds really nice. That does sound really nice. The two desserts sort of sum up your menu really nicely because there's like some fancy things in your menu and then some stuff that means loads to you from being a kid as well. It's a really nice mix of the two things. Yeah, I never thought about it like that. The lobster and antivirus chips. Yeah. And look, you know,

I'd like to take this opportunity, Stephen, to apologise for what I said to Azuka Hoyle in that episode. I think that was... Okay. He doesn't know about the other episodes yet. But I think we can both safely say that, you know, we'll put this behind us. Yeah. I just want you to know though, James, that I do find you funny. Yeah. Thank you, Stephen. I mightn't show it that often, but I do find you funny. Thank you. You're a gifted actor. You're an inspiration to... Some of us...

Ed, are you pointing at Ed? I'm born great. Some of us achieve greatness and some of us have greatness thrust upon us. Which one is James? He's not in any of them. Thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Stephen. Thank you so much, Stephen. Thank you very much. So how do you think that went, James?

We don't have to release all the episodes we record, do we, Benito? I mean, that one. We don't have to release all the episodes. We don't have to, but that one, I think, ranks in probably my top three. Top one, actually. To be honest, top one. That is the most fun I've had during a recording of this podcast. What an amazing man he is. We're releasing this episode, James. I think the listeners should bear in mind that, you know,

the way stuff sounds on audio isn't necessarily how it is in the room and like you got to see I'm here to say that it's exactly what it was in the room that is so that was so much fun man yes well yeah of course it was fun for you yeah you called Gene Wilder yeah he loved me you came up with that brilliant garlic vehicle bit yeah

I didn't dare say it at the time, but that wasn't supposed to be a joke. Wow. Yeah. Wow. But, you know, he loved it. Yeah, he loved it. Oh, man. I mean, I guess people should go and watch A Thousand Blows on Disney+. I mean, I was going to watch it anyway, but I'm going to watch it with a whole new appreciation of what it's like. I don't know if I will be able to watch all of it. I mean, just the still image of him is like, if I had to punch out the camera. Yeah, that's your POV, mate. It's my POV. I think he's still outside.

Oh, God, he is. James genuinely looks. I didn't look, yeah. But he might be outside still. Watch A Thousand Blows on Disney Plus from the 21st of Feb and watch Adolescence on Netflix. That is coming soon. Both of them look absolutely amazing. And...

what an episode listen to this episode again and I cannot wait to see what clips Benito picks for this episode Benito don't put any clips out there's no need to put clips out of this episode I think just some episodes a mega mix of all the times where Stephen got angry and was dead staring at you because it a lot of people won't be able to appreciate that from the audio when he was just absolutely dead staring at you I think a mega mix of all of those things strung together and we release it and say most awkward podcast of all time Benito do not do a mega mix Benito

And do not say most awkward podcast. Don't try and make this a bigger deal than it is. This is viral beyond viral. Some episodes should be allowed to fly under the radar. No, not this one. This is way above radar. Does that mean it's also not on the radar? It's so high above the radar, it's not on? No, it's on radar. Oh, God. It's like this is a commercial passenger jet. Okay, well. He didn't say knuckle sandwich, did he?

No. So if you tried to give him a knuckle sandwich, he would have avoided eating that. Yeah, I don't think he would have eaten that necessarily if I'd offered him a knuckle sandwich.

Lovely menu as well, got to be said. Yeah, to be fair, the menu was pretty delicious. Really nice. Some wonderful stories and memories. I think that... From across Stephen's life. You dropped me in it. I didn't drop you in it. You dropped me in it. I was speaking, I was just having a nice chat with him. You were terrified from the beginning. I was being nice and civil. You dropped me in it. I had to address... And then Benito, a little snitch played in the audio. Yeah, that was snitchy actually. He's a snitch. Yeah. And...

You dropped me in it first, and then he played the audio, and that ruined everything. And if you hadn't done that... It would have been a lovely episode anyway, but from the beginning, I think we had to tell him why there was an atmosphere created by you in the room. Oh. Because you didn't burst out the lamp, you didn't shout poppadoms or bread, because you were scared. You can't prove I was scared! Well, you weren't big in the intro. As soon as he walked into the studio...

You look like a little boy quaking. He's different in person. When you see him in person, it's actually quite tough. Lovely. We got on really well. Really nice man. Well, hopefully we have someone that you can, um, overpower next week. Who's next week. Benito. Who's next week on the schedule? Well, look, you need to go and have a little lie down. That was absolutely amazing. I loved every single second of that. The menu meeting Steven, his reaction to you. It was absolutely perfect. Um,

This is why years into the game, we're still the best podcast out there. We're still the best podcast. Oh, no. But unfortunately, it's the final episode because James is now so in his own head he can't speak English. Also, before we go, please never, when a guest says, I've got a story about that, say, I know this one. I did know it. Yeah. Listeners, I'll just step out of it quickly. Obviously, that was really fun. It was amazing meeting Stephen. It was amazing he went with that.

and improvised these incredible monologues. Just what a talent that man is. And a lot of the stuff James was doing, being silly, what a great guy James is. Wonderful comedian, pitched it perfectly. Benito is the perfect snitch. But when James said, I know that story, that wasn't him trying to egg on the situation. He genuinely, a guest said...

I've got a story about that. And James went, I know that one. That was total instinct from James. So now I'm getting a real dressing down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had a load of comical ones. Yeah. And we've all been having a laugh. But at the end of it, I still get told off for real. I will hold my hands up. I don't know. It was insane that I said that. Yeah. We're having such a laugh. I mean, I really hope we can release some sort of clip where it shows Stephen laughing and enjoying it. Because to go from...

like he's going to kill James to laughing. Just what an amazing thing to switch into. And such a nice smiley man. A lovely smiley man. I don't know if you can tell I'm buzzing after that episode. I am going to say that now as well at the end of the episode. He was a lovely man. A lovely smiley man. We were all in on that. It was all fun. And I'm only saying that because I don't want another Jesonic on our hands. Ha ha!

I don't want everyone trolling Stephen Graham because they think he was mean to me. No, they'll be trolling you, mate. What? They'll be trolling you. Because no one else in the UK is stupid enough to try and have a go at Stephen Graham. We'll see you next week. Don't pre-empt guest stories. We'll see. I'll make no promises. Bye-bye. Goodbye. Ahoy there. My chute. It won't open. Don't worry. I'm here to save you. Thank you. Up to 89% on the cost of your shipping with PirateShip.com.

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