Ep 282: Ellie Taylor
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Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the hard shell tacos of conversation, adding the spiced mints of humour, topping with the guacamole and sour cream of friendship, and the grated cheese of the internet. Man, I'm hungry, that sounds delicious. Taco night, baby. Old El Peso. Ahem.

That's Ed Gamble. My name is Jim. Take us together. We heard a dream best friend. And every single week, we invited a guest. We asked them their favourite ever start and make us dessert, side dish and drink. Night in that order. And this week, our guest is Ellie Taylor. The wonderful Ellie Taylor. Fantastic comedian. Brilliant actor. She's loads of stuff. Always a great presenter as well. You've seen her on Mash Report.

Ted Lasso. We watched her in the Celebrity Gladiators on New Year's Eve. Smashed it. We love Ellie. We did Mutt the Week with Ellie back in the day as well. I don't think I've seen Ellie since we did Mutt the Week together. That's insane. That's mad. I feel like I've seen her loads of watching all these shows that she's on. So very much looking forward to having Ellie Taylor in the Dream Restaurant. However...

If Ellie picks a secret ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable, we will have to kick her out of the dream restaurant. And this week, the secret ingredient is... Pavlova! Now, her new stand-up tour that we will be chatting to Ellie about is called Palavering. And that...

to me, sounds a bit like Pavlov. Pavlovering. Yeah, Pavlovering. Yeah. Good title. That's a good title for you, your next show. Yeah. They might be confused with Ellie might take me to court. Yeah, that's true. But that's good publicity for both of you. That's great publicity for both of us. So actually, that's what my next tour is called, Pavlovering. Pavlovering. You should all come and see it. But if Ellie chooses Pavlover, that's, it's bad.

Yes, sure. It will be towards the end of the meal that she'll probably be kicked out unless she goes in for poppadoms or bread or pavlova. Yeah, which, you know, is a hack people can use. We're not against that. I knew I am against someone choosing pavlova for poppadoms or bread. I don't know. I'd struggle to, you know, do a canobie mother on a pavlova, turn it into an eating mess. Lovely. But,

is Ellie's show. Yes, which starts... Not Pavlova-ing. Pavlova-ing starts in April. Yes. Touring all over the place. Go to ellietaylorcomedy.com for tickets. But we'll say that again at the end. Just enjoy the off-menu menu of Ellie Taylor. Welcome, Ellie, to the Dream Restaurant. Wow, it's smaller than I thought. Welcome, Ellie Taylor, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. I didn't... And it's

There's a lamp in everything. There is a lamp in everything, yes. No expense spared. You guys are doing all right, V&L. Yeah. Pretty good lamp, right? Very, very plastic. Yes. Yes. Can you buy metal ones? I don't even know if you can buy metal ones. I guess a real one. I guess the thing that the thing is based on. Yeah, I would think so. Yeah, yeah. Because it's based on a thing, isn't it? Plastic, yeah. Would you think the people who make metal lamps even make ones that look like that?

now because like surely that's a cliche they're like this is to a lamp can I touch it you can touch the lamp oh it's light it's my home that's my home you've got on your hands there lovely soft furnishings and while you're holding the lamp I'm noticing your nails oh yeah I very much like the colour of your nails I've gone one hand green one hand lilac I would say yeah one hand green one hand lilac James has recently been taught how to talk to ladies oh wow

Oh, well done, James. That's very nice. I like the colour of your nails. Yes. Well, actually, if I was really a lad who had been taught, the colour of your nails are nice. Not many people go for ugly colours. That's very brave of you. Oh,

I am infuriated. No, no, you're supposed to be attracted to me. No. It's backfired. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. You came in wearing those colours as well because I said to you when you came in. Oh, my God, I did. I said, the Joker. I did have got a purple hat and a green coat. Yeah, Ed wasn't here for it, by the way. The Joker. Another wonderful compliment. You look like a psychopath. Thank you. Comedian, Joker, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, true. The true Joker. Yeah, why not?

Why not? Thanks, James. Thanks for noticing. I had a manicure the other day, which is rare. Oh, yeah? So I appreciate that. That's good. How often do you have a manicure then? Uh...

He's really trying it. Don't laugh. Well, it's a really good question, actually. I would say whenever I've got telly stuff that I need to look like, you know, like I'm not a woman who's found in a hedge, that sort of thing. Whenever I need to look groomed. So our podcast counts. I wouldn't say that this was the reason I got it done, but it's a lovely accident. Is it?

You can say it's the reason you got it done. It's the reason I got it done. A lot of people get quite glam for our pod. Yeah, Benito's got a few cams up now. I've noticed. It's going to get you. It's not my good side, I'll be honest. Yeah? No, my other side's better. Do you want to turn around? Back to the mic? Okay, fine.

Yeah, after faces. When we welcomed you into the dream restaurant, you said it was smaller than you expected. It is, yeah. What is your dream restaurant size? Well, it's going to be different depending on what course I'm having. Oh, lovely. And I've never used this word in a sentence before, and I hope I'm using it correctly. It's peripatetic. Is that right? I don't know. I don't think I know that word. It moves around. It moves around, yeah. Yeah, it moves around. I didn't know that because when you said you got halfway through it and I thought we were having Nando's. No!

Peripatetic. Correct? Yeah. I had a drum teacher who was peripatetic. Yes. Peripatetic. Well, I'm peripatetic. You're peripatetic. I wasn't in there just now. You're very pathetic. Right. Yeah, it's going to move around. That's what I've decided. Sorry. We're squabbling. That's okay. So it's the first peripatetic restaurant we've had. Is it? I think so. Do people always say in one place? No, but they don't like...

Yours is specifically like an accordion kind of like changing sizes by the sound of things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think so. So the first one is I want to have a drink at a nice fancy bar. This is good because we're not into the main menu yet. No. But you are one of the few who's talked about a pre-drink before going into the main menu. That's like one of the best bits. The anticipation of going for a lovely dinner. But it probably should be an option we offer. Yeah.

Really? Oh, that's true. Do you want to go for a drink beforehand? Oh, 100%. But then I like when people do the hacks. Mmm. You know, it makes me respect that it came from them. Yes. They've hacked the system. Mmm. Because otherwise, the amount of questions we've got to ask them otherwise.

But then, if we're worried about it not being, it's Ellie's thing, so why don't we say, the question can be, do you want to go for a drink with Ellie Taylor first? Yeah, that could be a question. It's a new format point. For everyone. Oh, that's quite brutal on me, isn't it? That, I'm not sure I'm confident it's that high. Just,

Just a drink, just a drink beforehand. Yeah, yeah. With a nice person. With a nice person, Ellie Taylor. And maybe when we're having this pre-drink, would you be talking to them about maybe your upcoming tour, Palava Inn? That's all I talk about at the moment, 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My daughter loves it, six-year-old. Yeah, I am. James, I

I'm going on tour. Thank you for bringing it up. So we're in the bar. What's the bar look like for the pre-drink? Do you know, just because it's the one I went to the most recently, do you know the bar at the Langham Fancy Hotel in London? Yes. It's very dark. I lived there for a week when someone fucked up my visa. True story. Yeah, that's a true story. Somebody was working for me at the time, messed up my visa. I'd arranged to have builders in my flat for a week.

while I was away in America. So I couldn't go home. So I had to live in the Langham for a week, like Macaulay Culkin, I guess. Oh my God! They put me up there to say sorry. That's quite a good sorry. So then I lived there for a week in the Langham. Well, you know the bar very well then. I know the bar. How often were you in the bar, mate? 24-7. I was in my room the same amount of time most people are in the bar. Very long time.

Did you like living there? Yeah, I did actually. But only because I knew it was only for a week. So it was a laugh. I got a massage. Oh my God. I want someone to mess up my visa. Please, you don't have to go anywhere. The tiniest, oldest woman I've ever met gave me a massage. It was absolutely brilliant. Was she powerful? She was very powerful. Yeah. Elbows like steel. She wasn't so tiny she couldn't get above you. This guy. You said she was the tiniest old woman you've ever met. She was in the mode. Yeah.

Yeah, she could get above me. Yeah, yeah. That's what you want. Okay. Yeah, yeah. That sounds like a lovely way to do it. She was in demand, that lady, as well. I bloody bet. Everyone was talking about her. Oh, now I want to go. Right, I've had a massage at the Langham. Now I'm going to the bar. Oh, good. Yeah, so you want the tiny old woman. Yeah. And the getting ready for dinner is also lovely. I want to get ready and look all fancy. That's nice. And then I'm going to the bar, but I really like sitting at the bar. Mm-hmm.

That's my favoured place to sit. And in a restaurant, actually, if there's a bar seat option, I always go for that. Is that what you would do? I love doing that, especially if I'm eating alone as well. Yeah. Sitting at the bar is good. What about if you're not alone? Because I love doing that with my husband. Yeah, when it's two of you. Yeah. Lovely. Yeah. More than two. Oh, nightmare. What bad? More than two husbands. Nightmare. I've made a fool of myself. No.

No offence to anyone out there with two husbands. I was negging someone for no reason earlier. Oh, you wasted it. It's good practice. Hey, he doesn't have to always be a husband, James. There are options. There are options? Yeah, yeah. If someone necks you hard enough. That's how it works. That's the lesson I tell my daughter.

So are you having the drink at the bar with your husband or do you want it with the masseuse that I mentioned earlier? She can come up and have a drink with you? No, she's too little. She probably won't be able to reach on the stool. So she's not allowed. Everyone went for that. Everyone raised for that joke. I'm going to go with my husband. He can sit next to me. And he's saying, so Ellie, tell me about this tour. I'm like, why haven't you paid attention? I've been talking about it for a bloody year. LAUGHTER

Yeah, I'm going on tour in April and May this year around the UK with my show Palavering. Nice. Lovely bit of stand-up. I haven't been on tour for about, I think about five years. Getting back out there doing stand-up comedy in inverted commas. Looking forward to it? Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. I'm a bit like, I just can't,

I can't imagine what it will be like to be away from home, you know, and all of that malarkey and travelling around. But I'm looking forward to it. I bet it'll be lovely, actually. Yeah, it will be nice. But do you know what? My aim is, because when I've been on tour before, I do not... This is all based from listening to lots of your podcasts. I was like, I bet when you guys go on tour, you make an effort to go to the lovely restaurants around you. And I never do that. I get a Wagamamas or a Nando's delivered to the theatre. I do that.

Do you? Yeah. So James is better at going to the restaurants, I think. I think you go. You'll take me on tour. Now and again, if there's somewhere I really want to go and we've got the time, so we're like in the same area of the country or we're staying in one hotel and there's loads of cities around that we're going to, we'll have a lunch in a nice restaurant. But if it's like night to night, different places, Nando's in the dressing room. Yeah. Just convenient. It's very convenient and you know it'll be pretty good. Yeah.

But yeah, now and again, I'd say a couple of times a tour, fancy restaurant for lunch. I need to try and do that because I never ever do that. But you've got to write off the show in the evening pretty much. Oh, don't say that. Why? Because it's full. It's full. Yeah, yeah. Did you drink in that lunchtime? Yeah, yeah. Only like maybe one to two glasses of wine. Okay. But then actually when we have done that, the shows end up being pretty good because we're so like wired and like... Loosey-goosey. Yeah, yeah. Not me. Look. Anyway.

Anyone who saw me in Leeds on, I think it was the third or fourth night of my last tour, because I was there for a bit. Sorry. That was bad. I was full. Where did you go? I went to Ox Club. Yeah. Intended to have one thing, but then they sent over, they were like, you've got to have this starter. It's so good. So I had the starter, and because it was so good, I was like, right on. This is a three-course meal now, because the place is like,

and they had a baked Alaska. Yeah. Which, that's the rule. If they've got a baked Alaska. Is that the rule? You've got to get it. I didn't know that was the rule. That's the rule. I can't think of ever seeing baked Alaska on a menu. That's why you don't know the rule. That's true. And you've never got it. There's always one at the Ox Club, isn't there? There's always a different flavoured. Also, they do a different one each time. So every time I've sent someone there, they've gone and got the baked Alaska. It was, you know, this ice cream. I was like, this is great. I can get behind this. A different baked Alaska every day. Me too. Crikey. I love dessert, James. You'll be pleased to know.

I'm so glad you can relax. Instantly relaxed. Again, our marriage is looking really impossible. Well, yeah. Well, yeah, don't mess me around. Yeah, sure. If she's going to get rid of the husband, she's going to at least, you know, stay on husband level. Yeah. You've got to stay married. Yeah. Okay. Well, you're going to be my first ever wife. That's lovely. How do you feel about that? Would you like a wife? No. No.

But, you know, I understand that if I'm breaking up a marriage, I should probably, the decent thing is to step up and get married. And what is the drink? What are you having? Well, there's three drinks, actually. So I'm sitting at the bar. Right, you're getting hammered. No, well, no, because one of them is non-alcoholic. Okay. So I want, first of all, I want a really heavy crystal fat glass, like you get in, like,

say her house you know they've got real good weight to it and I want a double vodka Diet Coke I love that we're in the Langham bar we've got a lovely glass double vodka Diet Coke and I'm rolling in it

My husband despairs about that. It's been my favourite drink since I was like 16. And it's not changed. I'm very loyal to VDC. So that's your standard going out drink? VDC. Yeah, double VDC. Well, DVDC. Yeah, DVDC. I love it. And also, I love Diet Coke. So it's like my...

I think it's unusual to have your favourite drink that you can alcoholise. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Like ramp it up. You can have it all day. Yeah. From day to night. Make it a bit cheeky in the evening. I love a VDC. So I'm having that. And I also want a Robinson's fruit and barley orange. Now there's a lot of squash chat on this podcast, but I haven't heard anyone talking about barley water. No, we haven't really talked about barley water. Yeah, which is a sort of side...

I would say a slight tangent off regular squash. I don't know what it is. Yeah, I don't know. But it's got barley in it. And it's really smooth and delicious. I'd really recommend it. Okay. Yeah, I remember the first time I had a lemon barley water as a kid and it blew my mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Huge shout out. Nice and acidic.

Got a bit of tang. Yeah. Yeah, it's really nice. We have talked about barley water before. This is crazy. I'm so excited. I'm the first one who's going for a pre-drink. Yeah, and it's barley water. Let's get the party started. So what do you have in this, like barley water in your day-to-day life? Is that pretty regular? Yeah, yeah. I've probably had like three already today. Three already today. It's 23 minutes past 12 for the listener. Alcoholized.

barley water? I haven't, but you could, I suppose. You can do it with anything, I guess. What would you do? Add a bit of vodka in it. I think vodka, yeah, yeah. If it doubt vodka. A double no in you? Yeah. Gin actually might work better with a lemon barley water. I don't want lemon, I want orange. Okay. Thank you. Vodka then. Yeah, vodka it is. I'll try that. I'll try that.

And I also want, because I'm at the Langan and I want to keep it classy, I want to have a kit royale. Okay. Love a kit royale. Which is essentially, when I was thinking about this, it's like putting squash in a champagne, isn't it? It's like alcoholic Robina. Yeah, yeah. So what I've done is, yeah, another load of barley wine.

another squash really yeah I'd say it's too late when you've gone into the Langham and said double vodka diet coke orange barley water to then go but I'm keeping it classy do you know I was going to say I'd whisper the first tea but no I'm not ashamed no you shouldn't be ashamed no I'm not ashamed yeah I'd be ashamed of ordering three drinks maybe I wouldn't actually in real life do three but I might do two but this isn't real life so fine fuck it yeah it's to me

I never spoke about it on the podcast before but you believe all this real life yeah when you're in this situation you've got the three drinks are you ordering them one by one or you're ordering them all at the same time and in

If so, are you one sip, one sip, one sip? Or are you whole thing, whole thing, whole thing? I'd probably chug the barley water. I need to be rehydrated because I've had the massage. Yes, of course. Do you know what I mean? Because they say that at the end of a massage, don't you make sure you drink all your barley water? Yeah, that's what they always say. We have barley water in the foyer. Hello, you up there, drink your barley water. Minnie Mouse. The old lady. That's what she sounded like. He's right. Thanks, man. She sounded like that. Mr. Hanky. Yeah.

Sorry, were you one sip, one sip, one sip? No, I'd go chug barley water, probably have a good glug of the VDC, D-VDC. Then I'd sip the Kirail like a classy, classy lady. That's what I'd do. But you're not going back and forth between the drinks. You're doing one at a time.

I might dip back into the VDC. It's hard to say. You know, it depends what my mood is. Yeah. Are you talking to the bar person? Yeah, probably. We're just having a little bit of chat and he's probably like, oh my God, she's the most polite person I've ever had in my bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sort of thing. Do you pride yourself on that? Yeah, I do. Try really hard. Do you do that? I try really hard to be polite. Yeah, of course. But like overly to like... Until it's annoying, right? Yeah, that sort of thing. Do you tidy up in hotel rooms? No. No. No.

No. When I leave, I try to tidy up so they think I'm the best guest they've ever had. Do you? Yeah. Normally we start with still or sparkling water. After your three drinks, are you having a still or sparkling water? Yeah, why not? In for a penny. In for spending a penny. Are we changing location? For still and sparkling water?

I don't think there's any reason to change locations. Well, I guess we're in the restaurant now. In the restaurant. Because I thought we were in the Langham Bar for the drinks and we've not yet gone to the Dream Restaurant. Okay, so we're going, okay, fine. Then we're going to the Dream Restaurant. And yeah, we've moved. You know Jose down Bermondsey Street? Yes. So I used to live just off Bermondsey Street for quite a few years. Cool, great place to live. And Jose was our little local that we would go to

too much and I love it and it's like my it's my favourite restaurant in London so I'm going there that's where I'm going for my for my first little bit

Thank you so much. Are you sitting at the bar there? Because you can sit at the bar there. You can sit at the bar. Anywhere sort of perchy there because it's very small and they don't take reservations. Stand by a barrel. Stand by a barrel. I would like to sit down though. Yeah, I don't want to stand. I'm sure it's very trendy and traditionally Spanish, but I'm not standing next to a barrel while I eat. I mean, I could have a barley water on a barrel, but I don't want to, you know, I don't want to have a ham on. Yeah, yeah. Come on now. Yeah. Have some decorum. Barley water, barley, barley.

A lot of us comedians will do that process in our heads. Huh? I'm enjoying to see them working out. Yeah, yeah. People like seeing them working out now. How the sausages are made. Yeah. And the barley water sausages are made. Yeah. That's my tour show. My tour show is called How the Sausages Are Made. That probably will be something you do, no? Just me thinking out loud in my head how to put the joke together.

Someone heckles. No, it's not that one. No, you can't heckle at this one. Yeah. Don't heckle at this one. That was the last one. Those rolls are over, motherfucker. This is how the sausage is made. So you're having still a spark thing. There's a question on your perch. Do you want a proper perch like a budgie? No. I've had too much VDC, so I fall off. Yeah. If I'm just by myself, I'll probably just go for tap.

because I'm humble. But if I'm with anyone else, I'll probably go for sparkling. I feel like sparkling is more of an occasion. So if you're with someone else, but is that because it's an occasion or is that because you are trying to project an image of someone who likes sparkling water? No, I think it's because it's more of an occasion. It feels like, wow, because I've never had sparkling water at home. I'm like, wow, this is an event. Is your husband still with you then? Yeah, he can stay with me. Yeah? Yeah, he's all right. So you're doing it for them? Just for the occasion.

I think. But it sounds like you're in the same place either way. If they're not there, you're getting the tap. But it's not an occasion if I'm by myself. It's just me having some dinner, a bit of tea. I love eating out alone. Do you? Yeah, that's an occasion. Would you go to a fancy restaurant by yourself? Yeah, I have done many times. I've never gone to a fancy restaurant by myself. It's fantastic.

go to a nice hotel actually actually I did I had a gig on Friday night in a fancy hotel and I did I had some nice salmon and a quail royale by myself next to the pianist and how did that feel next to the pianist really nice yeah next to the pianist were you talking to the pianist no he was busy working playing away going like someone stinks of fish laughing

Where's that coming from? Why is she sitting on my stool? Where's that coming from? Why is she perching on the piano? Looks inside his grand piano. You're there. Yeah, chugging barley water. Okay, so you have got someone with you, so you're having the sparkling water. It's an occasion. Yeah, why not? We're doing that. And you've got nothing in the sparkling water? If I've got some barley water in my bag, I suppose I could top it up. I love that. So you're still in the barley train? I'll do that at home sometimes if I've got a can of soda water or something.

In summer. Put a bit of ice in there. So when you say it's in your bag, have you got the bottle in there or one of those little squeezy pouches? I don't think they do that with barley water. They're not? You've obviously looked into that. Well, yeah, I've never seen it and I'm very familiar with the squash aisles. Thank you very much. You can microdose with that. What, they're right in your mouth? Yeah. Or eye drops or whatever you want to do. LAUGHTER

However you want to do it. It isn't an eyedropper, basically, isn't it? You could basically do an eyedropper with that. Double strength, like, yeah. Fruit and barley. Like Hunter S. Thompson would do that. Wow. If it was made now, if it were loavened in Las Vegas, it'd be like, I've got the barley water and I dropped it in my eyes. Can't do the voice. No. Can you give it a go? No. I got shy. I got shy on that one. Pop-Dubs on bread! Pop-Dubs on bread, Ellie Taylor! Pop-Dubs on bread! I am going to say bread.

Because I think poppadoms are weird unless you're in a poppadom situation. Poppadom situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good name for an Indian restaurant, that. Yeah. The poppadom situation. I love a poppadom situation, don't get me wrong, but I don't think there's room for that in just sort of a bread-based scenario. Okay. Yeah. I want some nice French bread. I want it to be warm and I want a lot of salty, salty butter.

Also, I would like, I've just decided this, some olive oil and some balsamic vinegar to dippy dip. I want both options there. Lovely. You've only just decided that though. Yeah, I just did that on the spur of the moment. On the way here, you weren't thinking that. No, I wasn't. It's just coming. What happened? What changed? It's just green restaurants. Do you know what I mean? It just changes everything. Changes how you feel. Yeah. It's Paris. Paris, is it? Yeah. Peripatetic. Yeah.

Plus I've had that VDC. Yeah. VDC does sound like you're ill. It sounds like you've got something wrong with you. Arguably you are if you order that as a drink and then I'm going to be there. It's because it starts with VD, right? Yes, it's because it starts with VD. I've noticed that before. I couldn't put my finger on it. That's true, yeah. But yeah, you saying, oh God, I've got this VDC and all this, I'm like, this doesn't feel like an occasion anymore. Oh.

Oh, it does to me. Yeah. It's still an occasion. It's not a happy one. Yeah, yeah. It's not the happiest of occasions. Not when you're bringing in, is it a genital disease? Yeah, yeah. I think, yeah, it's sexually transmitted. Venereal disease. Venereal. You don't really hear the term venereal as often. It's fun. Or peripatetic. Yeah. No, yeah. I've never heard that. I've heard the other one plenty of times.

I was just being bawdy. Yeah. When you say French bread, French bread. Baguette? Yeah. Well, we've got to ask you, if you go and get a baguette from a bakery in Paris and then you're walking home with it, are you biting the top off of it on the way home? Obviously I am. You've got to bite the top. You've got to nibble the knob. Yeah, you've got to nibble the knob. If you don't, I can't imagine. That's a real personality type if you don't, isn't it? Like, I just couldn't resist. It's just,

Is it even restraint? Because I don't think anyone has the level of restraint where you don't bite the top off. No one normal. So it must just be people who it doesn't occur to them. Yeah. And then what the fuck is wrong with those people? God knows. Yeah. Yeah, don't trust them. Yeah, yeah. Your character in Ted Lasso biting the knob off or whatever it was, whatever you said. Yeah. It wasn't biting the knob off. No. Well, she might have. Who knows? But she would if she got the baguette from the bakery. Yeah, of course she would.

I think anyone would. Yeah. Not anyone. There are some very restrained people. I think they've got to be in the minority. And they're probably psychopaths. And not worth knowing, really. No. Would you do it if you were just in an English supermarket and you bought a baguette for lunch? No, I don't know. Because quite often they're not warm or they don't have that top. They're not alluring. They're really soft at the top. No. But also, then I'd just feel like a little kid in the trolley eating the food on the way around the supermarket. Yeah, that's always fun.

don't you always feel like that though yeah but also in your heart you're the little kid in the trolley yeah but I don't think I was ever allowed to do that I was never allowed to eat stuff on the way round I do that now if I'm shopping a bit hungry oh I just threw up in the packet Chris who's pushing the trolley I do it one handed oh sorry I thought you were in the seat in the seat scooting using your legs to scoot along is that what you used to do like Fred Flintstone oh right yeah now you could do that now like a centaur yeah half human half trolley yeah as a trolley

That is a character Narnia was missing, isn't it? Yeah. Walk around grazing and just chuck the food over its shoulder into the trolley every time. That's a good idea for a character, man. Go on stage and that's my next tour. How the Sausage is Made, but I've got a trolley on my back half. I'm walking up with that. With How the Sausage is Made, you would have come up with that character during the show. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of like a centaur. But back half is like a trolley and you could do like a... Benito, can you go get a trolley, please? He's here.

Yeah, you're there. Yeah, you're there on the tour. Don't protest that. Your dream starter. Unless there's another hack coming our way. Well, I suppose, well, is all of the items being cheese and ham based, is that a hack? No. No.

That's not a hack. But it's pretty cool. Yeah, it's very cool. I respect it hugely. I'm so on board with it. So I want croquetas from, that's the only way you can say it, from Jose. Yes. I want jamon croquetas. Yes. I also want jamon.

I also, but I don't like, because Jose is Spanish, I don't really rate Spanish cheeses. There, I've said it. But I do like a French cheese. So I'd like some Compti on the side. I also just, have I said just ham on by itself? Yes, you have. I'll say it again. And I also want, and I only thought of this recently when I was thinking, what do I really love? And I have lovely memories as a kid of going to TGI Fridays for like a birthday or something. And you get the potato skins with cheese and ham in.

And I want those too. I fucking love those. Oh my God, they're so delicious. What did you do, James? I made too many of them. When I was working in kitchens, people would fucking order them all the time. Because they're delicious. Yeah, yeah, sure. But I hated making them. I hated putting the cold ham into the... Also, when you see the cold potato skins, you'll never want to go near them ever again. They're fucking gross. And then you put the cold ham in it, put the cheese on it and put it under the grill. And the whole thing is just like...

really rank when it's cold so I'm just put off ever eating it even when it's warm you've seen it the sausages are made James oh man she's done it's all coming back um

I've seen other sausages made and now you can't eat it. Oh no. Horrible. But delicious as a punter. So delicious. Burn the roof of your mouth off with them every time. It doesn't sound good. Yeah, it is. It's part of it. You like it? Burn the roof of your mouth off? Yeah. Same with croquettes. And I also went with croquettes. No.

I'm enjoying it. Yeah, you are. That's all I've got. I want some like lovely like garlic, some yummy aioli with it. Something, some sauce. But I want a good sauce to croquettes ratio. Yeah. I don't like it when they're stingy. And also, I want them to take a note of how many people are at the table and give me a number that I can divide. Do you know what I mean? Do not give me three when there's two of us. Yes. I completely agree with that. That drives me mad. Yeah, yeah. Let's make that a law. It should be a law. Starmer, if you're listening. Yeah. Yeah.

I think it's out of order when there's four of you and they bring three along. It's ridiculous. That would be very ridiculous. It's like something, and I'm sorry, you probably don't want to hear this, you want some time away from it, but it's like something the producers of The Traitors would put into the game to divide people and turn them against each other. The croquettes. Let's send them free when there's four of them and see their true colours come out and they'll start turning on each other. There we go. Nothing more pathetic than like... The tapas room. The tapas room.

The next big twist. The tapas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to the tapas. Yeah.

I just think there's nothing more pathetic when there's like three of you and you have to, oh, should we chop this one into three? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one wants that. Everyone wants it. Yeah. But you do need to, there needs to be a ruling though. Oh, you have to, yeah. With what's happening to that last croquette. Oh, because if you just went for it, I'd think about that forever if someone just did that. You can't chop it into three. The ruling needs to be, you two share that one and then the next thing that comes, if there's a division issue, then I get priority. That's nice. And we're all having a nice time. Yeah.

I like to just say this, that person just gets it. Just give it to someone else, anyone but me. Really, because it's too awkward for you to have it. I just can't be bothered with the whole conversation. Just give it to that person. Or can we shout out being adults? Just order another portion. That's blowing my mind. Right? What? Big man. We're grown-ups. Big man.

Big man. We can do that if we want. We could actually do that, couldn't we? Yeah. But sometimes you don't want a whole portion. Kids can't do that. You just want one extra one for the... I beg your pardon? Okay. You've never seen a kid go, should we get another portion? Yeah. Because we're grown-ups. Kids can't go...

Anyone else who wants to get another portion? Let's just get another portion. Let's just get another portion. Let's get something for the table. Imagine that. Imagine having a kid that was like, you've got kids. Imagine one of the kids that you go out as a family and one of the kids turns to you and goes, should we get another portion? You know what? I would love that. I would love it or put them up for adoption. I don't know which one it would be. No, you would love that, Ed. What if suddenly my kid went, should we get something for the table? You would be delighted. It would be scary. Let's put this one up for adoption.

When they say things that you don't expect. I found a video of my daughter on my phone. She's six. And she was just sort of doing a report to the camera. This is me at home with mummy and daddy. And she sort of went, and it's going to be Saturday. And I love all my friends. And then she paused and went, stay connected, peeps. And then did a little salute. See, that's good. This is it now. It makes you laugh. But they all watch YouTube too much. She doesn't watch YouTube. So I don't know where she's got that from. I was talking to some friends and their kid. Like.

Like every time they get hold of their mum's phone, just walks around making like YouTube videos, even though they're not going to be uploaded anywhere. And they did one like sneaking into their dad's room where he like builds Lego and stuff, this guy. And the kid was actually like, it was like, okay, people, here we are. And at one point he went, oh my God, I just shit my ass.

Our friend's kid, she did a poo on her potty and then turned to her dad and went, present in there for you. That's amazing. That's not true. Come on with it. I won't look at it. It's not true. Oh my God. He must have laughed at that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Present in there for you. Amazing.

My favourite thing my daughter said when she was about three, there was a firework that went off and she looked at me and went, excuse you, mummy. Good stuff. Funny. Well, maybe if I had a kid who went, should we get another portion for the table? I'd be on board. Also, I don't think, if we're being realistic, I don't think Ed could have any other type of kid. Who did, yeah. Ed's kid would definitely turn out like that. What if your kids are picky eaters? If you had them and they were really picky? Hello, adoption. Okay.

Were you a picky eater as a kid? No. You would. You only have stuff on the adults menu. You want stuff on the kids menu. That's not picky. That's the opposite of picky. Were you like, Mummy, can I have some mussels? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. He would order the picker's basket. He was very, very strict about what he had. The picker's basket from the brasserie. The brasserie. What's a picker's basket? It was like a sharing platter of starters. And that's what I'd have for my main. It's my favourite thing, Ellie. How old were you at this point? Like a tiny kid. Oh.

Pickers basket. Yeah, yeah. Mozzarella sticks, jalapeno poppers. Oh God. All in a lovely pickers basket. Yeah, my kids are quite boring with food. But then some of their friends will be like, you know, in their packed lunches we'll have olives. And I'm like, how have you got olives? I don't even like olives. I think olives are disgusting. Really? Disgusting. If they come with my Kier Royale, I'll throw them at the barman.

They will not think I'm the most polite person. Yeah, I thought you were supposed to be the most polite person. Well, when it comes to olives. All your good work out the window. Gone. Yeah, I think absolutely. She was so lovely and then she lobbed a whole bowl of olives at my head. After a double vodka and coke and a quinoa, she really turns...

That sounds nice. I like all this. Quite a lot of sacrilege against Spanish cheese, though, I noticed. When I say I don't like Spanish cheese, I can only think of manchego. Yeah, which is a gorgeous cheese. I don't like it. Well, you said comté. Comté is basically manchego with a berry on it. No. Oh my God, no way. Comté is, well, much creamier. Manchego is sort of a bit flaky. Can be flaky. Can have a little bit of bite to it. No, I love manchego, but I do prefer comté. Thank you. How many months age do you want your comté to be?

24 nice big that's big boy shit two years yeah Nina Comte my new character yeah cheese ventriloquist yeah cheese ventriloquist so she just brings out cheeses and just speaks to the cheeses is this part of how the sausages make it yeah okay yeah yeah yeah working it out in real time it's the finale wow Nina Comte is great Nina Comte would be a good character

just talk to different cheeses yeah what voice would the compsie have do you think well I guess it would have to be a French like yeah yeah you have had me in that sack for so long James is moving his lips more than he normally does when he talks by the way what you're not really trying to do the ventriloquist thing are you oh yeah that's true you weren't can you try that

A French accent without moving my lips. Do the hand. The hand might help. There you go. Nina. Ah. Zotala. Mo. Ah. Je ne comprends pas. Hang on. There's never been a Venture Liquorist who has a dummy who doesn't understand the person. It's the end of the act. Je ne comprends pas. All right. See you later. If the dummy's like, I don't understand what you're saying, mate. We can't have a conversation.

Forget it. Yeah. Okay, hopefully I'll have more luck with this man. There you go, puppet.

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Main course then? Yeah. And that's quite a lot for your startup, but you're sharing it with people. I'm sharing it. You know, you've still got a room. Now, main, I would say that my favourite cuisine in the world is Italian. I love Italian food. However, I don't think I've ever been to an Italian restaurant and had a pasta dish

that I thought was better than we could have made at home. Really? Which is, when I think about it, controversial. Do you know what I mean? When we make a good pasta at home, it's so tasty and delicious and I really appreciate it. But when I go to a restaurant, quite often I'll be like, I mean, it's okay. Yeah, yeah. I don't think I've ever been blown away by a pasta. Are you making fresh pasta at home? Very rarely, but I have done. But no, fresh pasta, sure. But the sauce or whatever, I think...

Spot on. I agree. I suppose it is peasant's food, really, so it should be. This is a problem I had when I went to Rome. I was like, are you kidding me? This is all fine. It's fine. This is fine. Sorry, Italy. But I really hyped it up in my head. Here we go. Now I'm going to have pasta. Yeah. As good as...

Actually, not even as good as chorizo broccoli pasta. Is that your mum? Is that my mum? Teresa? No, chorizo broccoli pasta. Teresa's broccoli pasta. Teresa's broccoli pasta. I thought that's a nice shout out to his mum, Teresa. Shout out, Teresa. Shout out, Teresa. The best broccoli pasta in the world. Teresa's broccoli pasta, the best. Obviously, from my point of view there, I'd say chorizo broccoli pasta, and you'd have gone, is that your mum? Like, what the fuck? No.

It's because James says that so much and it mentions Teresa Broccoli Pasta so much that he does not enunciate when he says it. No, it's done to one model. I don't enunciate when I say a lot of stuff. It's a miracle this is my job. I mean, you enunciated better when you were doing Nina Compton. Well, you've got to. You've

You got it. That's the mark of a good venture, isn't it? Yeah. Teresa's broccoli pasta is James's favourite pasta dish. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. But it's not my mum's. It's Teresa May. Okay. Teresa May makes it for me. We don't agree on a lot of issues, but she makes a banging broccoli pasta. I've never had Teresa's broccoli pasta. Delicious. The best pasta in the world. James eats it every day of lockdown. Did you actually? Yeah, yeah. It wasn't good for me. And definitely, if you look at any footage of me popping up on TV shows around that time, you can tell. Oh, okay. Yeah.

That was the chorizo years. Yeah, yeah. He's got green hair. I've got green hair. I've got a big, oily, meaty face. We all did in lockdown, I think. Don't worry. I'm not, yeah. Don't worry about that. No shade phone of myself, you know. Well, my pasta isn't chorizo broccoli, but it is, it's my husband's, the first like pasta sauce that he made me. He's called Phil. It's called Phil's Special Sauce.

What? Yeah, you heard it. Oh, God. Yeah, you heard that. He called it that? Yeah. Oh. Still married him. How long had you been together for? Not long. When he said that? Yeah, it felt special sauce. It must be really delicious. To cope with that name. To cope with the name. Yeah, it is. And it's super basic as well. And he called it that before you'd eaten it.

I can't remember the timeline. Or even worse, did you say, I really like this? And then he got all, his chest all puffed out. And he retrofitted it, yeah. Oh, do you want a special sauce tonight? You like my special sauce, do you? Oh, yeah. It's not great. But it's so good, James. Yeah. It's so good. Yeah. I mean, all it is is like tomato, veggie yumminess, but it's so tasty. It's so delicious with loads and loads and loads of parmesan on top. Mm-hmm.

To tomatoes? I don't even know what's in it. He doesn't tell you? No, just let him cook it. I think that's essential for any marriage. What, not to know what's in the special sauce? You've got to have something that the other one loves, but they cannot get it without you. Oh, that's actually... Yeah. Why are they... I think that's right, James. That's important. Yeah. He'd...

He knows that if you leave him, you're never getting that special sauce again. And he knows that you know that. Yeah. We all know that. So he's got you. Yeah. He's snared me. You've got to have it. He's got you. You're married. Yeah. Do you have a thing that you make? Have you got something? Yeah. Do you make something for your wife? Because otherwise you're in trouble, man. Oh, no. Does she make something for you? No, she doesn't cook. Oh. I'm the cook. Oh, okay. Crikey. He's the cook. He is the cook. I cry. I'm the cook. I'm the cook. No, no, no. You know, I am the cook. Okay.

She does like DIY and stuff. Don't she? There you go. So she, okay. She's got that. She's got me. So she got you? Yeah. But I got her because I do all the cooking. Got each other. So there you go. What have you got over your husband? I've got quite good teeth. Yeah. So he's going to miss those. He's going to miss those teeth. No, his choppers. Do people think you were teeth on Masked Singer? People are guessing a lot of different comedians for that. They are. It's true. I guessed you. I was watching it with my sister's family. I went, Ellie Taylor. And they went, what? She fucking bent over.

T was very short. Thank you. Thanks for clarifying that. Maybe it was the masseuse from the Langham. It was the masseuse from the Langham. If you haven't seen it, it is Mel Kedridge.

but like but i was like could be ellie taylor and they were like look at teeth next to joel you've seen ellie taylor with joel sure that's not ellie taylor no unless that would have been part of the costume bending down yeah yeah but you're gonna do that to yourself no you're gonna fuck your back up for however long just for the sake of mass singer i don't know to impress davina mccall i'd do many things i'd bend over for davina mccall thank you for finishing the sentence even though

You got halfway through it and realised what was happening. We saw in the new year watching you and Joel on TV. Oh, on Gladiators. Yep.

How did it feel to defeat a nice lady who just wanted to prove that 50-year-olds could do things still? I think mine. She was 55, actually. She said, I want to prove that women in their 50s can still do this. And then you absolutely obliterated her. How did that feel? I didn't obliterate her. I just was taller, so it was a bit easier in the end for me. You showed no mercy. I mean, yeah, it was like, I won, but also she is 15 years older than me, so.

Exactly a fair fight. But she's super fit, to be fair. She was. I always mention who I did it against. Yeah. She's like, she does triathlons and all that malarkey. So you agree that you were essentially the baddie of that episode, though. You were like, wolf. No. Yeah, you were like, wolf. You're the new wolf. No, I had had a baby eight months before, so I was physically a shell. Oh, yeah, and you did say that at the top. Yeah. That was your thing. Yeah. So it was like, look, yeah, she's doing it. You've got to have a pity story, don't you? Yeah, she's doing it for that, but I'm doing it to show that after you've had a kid, you can do this kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

yeah, yeah. I love Gladiators, man. Really? Did you watch it this weekend? No,

No, I'm not doing it. Oh, really good Eliminator. Really good Eliminator. Someone go up it backwards? No. When is that going to happen, man? When there's the next Celebrity Gladiators and you're on it. Yeah. Please do it. I'll go up Eliminator backwards. Or the Travelator backwards. Yeah. You could do the whole Eliminator backwards. I've heard it's a long record. That puts me off. Oh my God, it's the longest record known to humanity. It's so long. That's why I'm not going to do it. You could do the whole of the Eliminator course, not backwards, but from the end.

So climb up the rope, through the paper. Smash through the paper. Go down. Down the travelator. That's super easy. Much, much better. Oh, yeah. Zip line. That's a tricky one, isn't it? Yeah. That's where you are really struggling. You're going to have to have a big push off at the bottom. What is this main course now? We've gone so off. Phil's Special Sauce. Phil's Special Sauce. Is he going to be in the kitchen then making it, Phil?

Yeah, unless he's in the restaurant and he's bought Tupperware for them to heat up. Come on, Ellie, this is your dream. Okay, fine. Your husband can't get a Tupperware out of his bag. Maybe I'm into that. You can't be in a restaurant with your husband and he calls over a waiter, gets a Tupperware pot out of his bag and says, this is my special sauce. My wife would like it. Can you heat it up for her? To body temperature, please. Do you...

Yeah. Okay, fine. He's in the kitchen, but he's got chef's whites on. Yeah. Why not? That sounds nice. Yeah. Yeah. What type of pasta is it? Big, fat rigatoni. Yeah. It's an unfortunate hand action I'm doing with your special sauce, isn't it? Yeah.

It's not ideal. Yeah. It's not ideal at all. You better hope that's not the bit that Benito clips up. I think most of the listeners would have imagined the right thing that you've done with your hand there. Yeah. And then anyone who didn't, it says more about them. Yeah. And they probably wouldn't eat the knob on the French bread, would they? No, they probably wouldn't. Or they...

Or they just don't know what rigatoni is. So they've just heard that and been like, got it confused in their head of what kind of pasta it is. And they're like, they think it's the bow tie one. So they think you're doing that. Yeah. Which is awful. And they're like, that poor man. This is what noise different pastas make. Oh yeah, that's a good routine. So hang on, what noise does rigatoni make? I think that's too small. I think that's too small for rigatoni. Don't do the hand gesture with it, Ellie. Ellie.

Ellie, I've literally got my eyes closed for the first time on the podcast because I can't look at you doing that. I did that willingly as well. Yeah, you did. God.

Your dream side dish? My dream side dish? Well, I love breakfast cereal. Where's this going? I love where this is going. And I think it would be remiss not to have some breakfast cereal, obviously, with my dream dinner. Also, I was like, is it a dream dinner? What's the difference between your dream dinner and the meal you have before they execute you?

Does that give you different choices? I mean, I don't think it would be different choices necessarily. Because if it's like, I don't know if it was more desperate and the last scent, would you be more feral? Because I feel like, oh my God, I nearly gave it away. Having my cereal as a side dish is quite feral, a feral choice.

I guess it would be feral. If I was going death row meal, I guess it would be more feral than a lovely occasion dinner. Where you're just filling your face. Yeah, yeah. It's mainly just the mood for me that changes. You know, I think every now and again in my death row meal, I'm going to think, I'm going to be dead in a minute. Yeah.

And what you're wearing, I guess, as well. Yeah, I'll probably, yeah. I don't have much of a say in it for the day. I guess it's more of you're emotionally eating when you're about to be killed. Okay, thanks for clarifying. Different thoughts in your head. Fine. Who's going to look after Mr. Jingles? Right.

But also I think I've often thought about this I would eat something quite sort of noxious for my last meal if I was on death row because if I'm being on the electric chair I'm going to end up evacuating my bowels and I'd quite like them to clear it up. Yeah. Revenge on the guard. Okay.

Revenge on the guards. Oh, yeah. Lots of lentils. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely revenge on the guards. I am, yeah, my side dish is, I love breakfast cereal. My favourite breakfast cereal of all time doesn't exist anymore. It was Kellogg's Start. Do you remember Kellogg's Start? I love this. Yes.

And I haven't thought about it in ages. And I agree with you. Yes. It's brilliant. The best. The best. I don't even remember what it was. So it was sort of like a honeycomb. Oh, this is great, Ellie. Like three, I don't know, it looked like some kind of science-y, I don't know, like, it was like three honeycomby bits together. Right. And it was like malty and delicious. There was always like a swimmer on the packet because it was meant to make you really strong and big. Right, okay, yeah, yeah. Even if it's full of sugar. Yeah. And they stopped doing it a few, well, quite a few years ago now, I think. Mm-hmm.

but there is my husband's Australian so we go to Australia quite a lot there is a similar cereal in Australia called Nutri-Grain not like the biscuits in here there's a cereal called Nutri-Grain over there and it's very the taste is very similar different shape James though I don't know if that changes it for you but it's like an oblong still with like the honeycomb I know what you mean I could get on board with it and it's

absolutely incredible and it's my favourite and I want that just to nibble on on the side I don't know why finding out that your husband's Australian makes Phil's special sauce even with the accent yeah it's worse isn't it it's worse but also I'm not surprised now it's all falling into place yeah with all due respect to our Australian listeners I'm not surprised that he's done that and so openly called it that so early in a relationship yeah

brazenly just brought that into it more charming maybe I don't know who knows yeah yeah more expected I guess you knew what you'd signed up for I did so when he said it you were like okay well I knew that was going to happen at some point stuff like that he's going to say that so do you want Nutri-Grain or do you want the genie to bring back Kellogg's Start for you

I'm going to go. Yeah, I would love it to be readily available in every supermarket. Yeah, genie, please. Yeah, I mean, I've never been happier to use my genie powers. I think like bringing Kellogg's Start back...

I would always forget how delicious it was because it looks boring. And I think the main reason it's not on the shelves anymore is because of the marketing. Because of the swimmers? I assumed it was like a health cereal. Yes, there it is from Benito there. Oh, yeah. There's sort of people made of milk doing sports. Yeah, sports. It makes you sporty. Yeah. It says multigrain start. It looks boring. But the milk has come to life. A smart start for alcohol.

Active people. Yeah, the milk has come to life and is running around like sportsmen and stuff. And like, it doesn't look like it's going to be fun. It looks like it's like a bran flake scenario. It's not, it's delicious. If your parents had bought that and put it in the house when you were a kid, you'd be like, mum, not Kellogg's start. Yeah. I want the monkey. Yeah, I want the monkey. I think I always preferred start to the monkey. I've always been obsessed with cereal. So yeah, I think I got through a lot of...

Well, the monkey. Got through a lot of the monkey. And a lot of start. And also, I love fruit and fibre. Do you? Yeah. Which is so pathetically boring, isn't it? But I like personal best. Probably got through a packet in like 24 hours. Wow. Brutal. I went through a fruit and fibre phase. Because you do feel virtuous, but it is also... So sugary and yummy. There's those little raisins. Yeah, they're pesky. They're a treat. You ever add raisins to the fruit and fibre? I don't.

More raisins? Yeah, yeah, I've done it. You've added more raisins to your fruit and fibre? Yeah, I've just chucked in a handful of raisins with my bowl of fruit and fibre. Why? It's full of raisins. That's mucked up the ratio. Not enough for me. I've added raisins to like Weetabix. Yeah, yeah, fair enough. Bit of fun. Yeah, it's great. Add anything to Weetabix. Yeah. That's why it's king of cereals. No. Have you ever had Weetabix like dry? Yeah. Yeah, I visited the Weetabix factory and a man made me a load of dry Weetabix one after the other for his own amusement. That's on YouTube. How many did you eat?

I had like a few in a row, but they were at different phases of the making process. So some of them weren't even what you'd get in the box. It was like not fully baked yet.

And he was just doing it for his life. He just realised that I would do whatever he told me to. So he just kept on going, why don't you try that one? We had not discussed it before. Yeah. So I'd do it every time. Right. Horrible. Okay. The driest mouth I've ever had in my life. Yeah, I mean, when I say dry, I mean like you can put it, you know, put like butter on it. Oh yeah. No, I'm not doing that because I'm traumatised from that experience. Fine, fine. But you do that. Put butter on Waitabix? Yeah, you can put like butter and jam on top. You can use it like as sort of, I suppose it's a bread sub.

Substitution, yeah. If you wanted to. If you wanted to. I guess you could do anything with it. You look like you're going to do it. Yeah, I mean, that sounds good. No, he's not. I'm not. No, he's not. No, I just have a bit of bread. What about people who put golden syrup on Yorkshire puddings? Would you ever do that? What the fuck? Yeah.

To use up some Yorkshire puddings, you can make them... Because I suppose they're like pancake batter, aren't they? They can go either way. It's a game changer. I've never had sweet Yorkshire puddings before. I love it. Adding glitter to a turd, that's what I call that. Do you not like Yorkshire puddings? What the fuck? They're rubbish. They're boring. I actually don't like anything batter-y like that. I'm not really a pancake guy. Oh my God. Yorkshire puddings are the best.

This is what I'm putting up with every week. My other choice for main course, I was thinking of what I used to dream about at university. Me and my friends used to have conversations about a Yorkshire pudding that was the size of a jacuzzi.

and we would fill it with gravy and peas that would be like the size yeah we're in it you're in it you're in it and then you're eating that yeah and you nibble around the side there'll be peas that will be apples floating around you there'll be some sausages there'll be plenty of stuff floating around you we would have had a shower beforehand yeah still doesn't make a difference if you get in there just stop it's the dream hot tub are you getting in with other people yeah but they're clean you can't guarantee that okay also your students someone's got a double vodka someone's got a yeah

I've got a PGC in one hand, a pea the size of an apple in the other.

Oh, heaven. But I love Yorkshire puddings. No, I find them boring. Boring? Maybe the gravy you're having isn't good enough because they are really a vessel for the gravy. Yeah, exactly. We'll use them to absorb more gravy. No, just drink the gravy. I don't mind that. I feel so passionate about this and I didn't realise. A lot of people do. This is the way he antagonises a lot of people, a lot of listeners. He knows what he's doing, Ellie. I think Yorkshire puddings, people are passionate about them, but I think they represent the lack of ambition in most British people.

I'm bearing in mind I mean that's the worst thing he's ever said about them I'm bearing in mind that like obviously they're named after a specific part of Britain yeah yeah he doesn't like the north so he's going after the north I love Yorkshire I think it's fantastic I just think they need to back their ideas up I went to my mum yesterday for a roast she made beautiful Yorkshire puddings and I take umbrage on her part she spent eight and they were massive and we all looked in the oven and said oh mum they're really big well done and I felt like it was a personal attack on my mother yeah yeah yeah it was

My mother, Teresa. Teresa Taylor. Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa. That is Mother Teresa, isn't it? I didn't even put that together earlier. Me neither. It's the first time I'm hearing that. We're making the sausage in real time, people. Do you want to shout out any other cereals before we move on? Curiously Cinnamon. Yeah. That's like crack. Have you ever been curious when you're having it? Curious about how much of a box I'm allowed to have in one go. No.

That was a name change that I wasn't on board with. Cereals do a lot of name changes. For some reason, it seems to be the food stuff that does the most amount of name changing. And Cinnamon Graham's, great. Curiously Cinnamon. I was like, do I have to call it that now? Yeah, yeah. I've got to say Curious... I'd like a bowl of Curiously Cinnamon. In conversation, it wouldn't come up, the name. It happened five seconds ago. Okay, true. LAUGHTER

Here's a serial name change for you. Do you remember toppers? Oh, yeah. That turned into frosted wheats. They were toppers? Toppers. Wow. Wow. And then they kind of got hip to like... Yeah, then they just... Yeah, then that makes it sound a bit healthy. Wheats, isn't it? I'm still not over opal fruits. Yeah. Sure. Starburst, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have they gone back now, though? Starburst. Starburst. No, I didn't do that.

did they go back no I mean I think I've said this on the podcast before but the advert for the name change was like in a science lab and they had like two monkeys and they were like holding up different names and the monkeys were pressing a red button or green button if they liked the new name or not alright and one of the suggested new names was chimpy chompies and so me and my mum have called them chimpy chompies since then I

I wish they were. I always love hearing about Edith's mum. It's a nice relationship. Yeah, Teresa. Yeah, Teresa. Teresa Gamble. And like, always lovely. Chimpy Jumbies, I love it. Are you going to start calling them that now? Yeah.

I don't think I say them very often. No, they don't come up very often, I don't think. I don't think no one's really buying them. Maybe if they were called Chimpy Jompies, we would be buying them and we would be talking about them more. Yeah, absolutely. They'd be on your dream menu. Oh, Chimpy Jompies. I was saying Jimpy Jompies. No, because it was chimps. Yeah, yeah. Chimps. Makes perfect sense now. Yeah, yeah. Chimpy Jompies. Chimpy Jompies is what I'm going to call them. That's going to be my new name. Chimpy Jompies. Yeah, I'm going to be called Chimpy Jompies. My next tour...

yeah called jimpy jumpy it's got the shopping trolley on the back of me yeah and i'm pulling out the cheese pockets yeah puppets do they need a comp tea no one would be surprised if that was your next move i don't think yeah here's welcome to stage jimpy jumpy oh god chucking my shopping behind me yeah oh and cheese out the shopping trolley yeah voices for it please welcome to stage do you need a comp tea straight back in the trolley oh well easy come easy go what milk are you putting on this cereal

If indeed you are. Yeah, you almost made up that you weren't having milk. No, I wasn't, but I suppose I would like some milk to be available. I'm happy to nibble on it as a snack. Yeah. As a crudité. Yeah. But I would, yeah, I mean, if we're going to have milk, I'd like some really cold whole cow. Whole, love that. Want some beefy milk on there. Whole cow. Yeah. Do you see someone going to places where...

you know, they want you to say what type of milk and sometimes they lead it and will say cow milk or beef milk. Some places do that. Do they actually say beef milk? There are places that do that to try and hammer it home. Fair enough. Do you go along with that or do you preempt it? I've never had that. I've never had that. Yeah. And I don't know how I would react in that situation. Yeah. I don't, I might throw the olives in their faces as well. So you just got some. We're not giving you any olives. Okay. Because we know what you're going to do with the olives regardless. It's a dream. Yeah.

Yes, we're doing it. Let me have my olives. Just throw a bowl of olives at a human being? Why not? Got to let her do it. Let me live. For God's sake. Dream drink.

Drink. Done drinks. You've done drinks at the beginning, but for your meal, we could give you another drink. If you want that to just be it, you can just be it. Don't let us push extra fluids on you. I'd like a drink to go with my pudding. Oh, that's great. So I'll happily just coast along with what I'm having. If I am having, I suppose, Phil's Special Sauce, I'll probably have to have a bit of wine with it, red wine. So he thinks I'm a grown-up because I'll put down my vodka diet coke.

Why do you need him to think you're a grown-up? He's calling it Phil's special sauce. You don't need this man to think you're a grown-up. He's walking around the kitchen wearing thongs. He's quite...

Our Australian listeners will know what I meant there. Everyone else, sorry for the image. Double thumbs. Yeah. Was that funny when you started dating an Australian, the differences in the language, picking each other up on stuff? Yeah, still love it now. Still love it now. I found out the last trip we went to, that in a kids' play park, they call a slide a slippery dip.

That's just stupid. How adorable is that? Slippery and an water fountain. A bubbler. Can I have a drink from the bubbler? I feel like Phil's making stuff up. Can you imagine? Yeah. Can you imagine?

All of it's bullshit. Now, my sister lives over there as well, and she's married to, we both married Aussie men. Really? I talk about this in the talk. It's weird, isn't it? Yeah. Very, very weird. Some people watch Neighbours as a bit of light relief, and we've gone, well, that's husband and wife. Yeah, maybe it's just so formative for you, Neighbours. Both gone for Aussies. Who's your favourite character on Neighbours?

Fancying-wise, probably Billy Kennedy. And then funny-wise... I'm going to have to Google that. Billy Kennedy. He went into a big show. House. Oh, yes, it was that, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Huh? House. He was in House. Oh, I think I know who you mean. Libby and... Oh, what was the other brother? Billy Kennedy. Oh, no, I don't know who that was. Was it Brad? No, it wasn't Brad. Brad was a different one, wasn't it? It was a Ryan Phillipe type. Oh, actually, that's quite a good call, actually. Yeah. Yeah, I love Neighbours. Aussies. That's what we're talking about. Aussies. What?

What stories were there about that guy, Billy Kennedy? What were his storylines? Yeah, what was the big storylines? I don't know, I was too busy trying to work out how I could make one of my husband. How did you make one of your husband? Oh, I found him in London. There's loads of them. If you look in the right places, loads of them lurking around. Yeah, Earl's Court. Yeah, that was like their hub, wasn't it, for a while, Earl's Court? In the bars. I thought your husband's name was Earl and you caught him. You know his name's not Earl.

It's not Earl's Special Sauce, is it? Does that sound better? Yeah. Yeah. Royal Regal. Ever watched My Name is Earl? No. Crazy show. LAUGHTER

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Okay, well, I guess we're moving straight to the dessert and to get this dessert drink and... Yeah, why not? What's quite nice as well, if I may say, with the cereal as a side dish is it's almost acting as a bridging course between the main and the dessert. Oh, my palate's changing. We're moving onwards. Yes, so my pudding is... Well, one of my puddings is actually a drink, but I don't class this as the drink. This is separate. So I want a chocolate milkshake.

from a place in Sydney, the Boathouse at Shelley Beach, which is our favourite little beach that we go to when we're there. And it's the most beautiful location. And actually, yeah, we're there now because it's peripatetic. We're there. We're in Shelley Beach. And it's a beautiful little beach. There's loads of amazing houses that are right by the cliffs. There's loads of bush turkeys that wander around the beach, which are like bush turkeys.

Yeah. Is that what he's told you that chickens are called? They're just pigeons, aren't they? Just pigeons. We call those bush chickens. Wow, they're so exotic. I can't believe she's still fucking falling for this shit.

For the listener, Ed did that without moving his lips. And yeah, the chocolate milkshake is lovely. And the kids ones come in a glass that's in the shape of a bear. So I'm going to have a kids one because that's fun. That's nice. Really fun. Is the bear in a pose of any sort? Just like, just sort of standing, being ready to be used as a vessel. I guess if it's a glass, you can't really have too much of a pose on, can you? A teddy bear or grizzly. Not grizzly, yeah. Really terrifying for the kids. Yeah, yeah.

grizzly roaring full grizzly man ever see that documentary that's wild is that where he goes in the bear oh that's the reverend he does go in the bear that's the reverend he goes in the bear he still goes in the bear yeah oh

Because he gets eaten. Bear eats him. But in real life, it's not. My dad still thinks Grizzly Man is not real. Thinks it's fake and we've all fallen for it. After we watched it, he was like, you seriously believe that documentary? I was like, yeah, that's real. That happened. He was like, it's not real. Everyone's actors in that. That's fake. I can't believe you've fallen for it. The bear was an actor? Yeah, it goes online. Can't believe everyone believes this documentary. It's so clearly fake. It's like, Dad, the guy, Timothy Trev was a real man. He got eaten by a bear. No, he didn't.

That's an actor playing him for a laugh. Everyone's falling for this. This is ridiculous. What proof does your dad need? No, I don't think anything could prove it to him. Nothing will do it. He's just convinced it's a fake documentary and we're all idiots for believing that Timothy Trevor was a real person. Well, if you want a hill to die on, it's a fun one, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. It's more harmless than that. Is this a thick milkshake? Yeah, okay. Just getting it back on track? Yeah, yeah.

I'd go thick milkshake. Yeah, yeah. Thick milkshake. That's okay. Not a thin one. Ice cream milkshake? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what's in it, to be fair, but it's bloody lovely. You want to have to give it some welly to get it out of the glass, don't you? Yeah. Really go for it. Yeah. And they put chocolate around the, they squirt chocolate sauce around the inside of the bear. Okay. Back to bears, sorry. And then, yeah, it's really delicious. Delicious. That sounds good. And there's cream on the top or anything? No, no cream. It's just pure. They know it speaks for itself. Yeah, yeah. I love it. I really love a milkshake.

So I'm having that. We're on Shelley Beach. We're looking out. It's lovely. But also I want some, looking at the bush turkeys, pigeons, but I also want some pudding, obviously. So I want some tiramisu. Lovely. I love tiramisu. Whenever there's tiramisu on the menu, I'll have it. It's my back to Leicester. I have to, I have to. If it's on the menu, got to get it. Where's your favourite tiramisu from? I can't even think.

think I don't think I've ever met a bad tiramisu I made quite a nice one myself yeah yeah made one with Baileys before wow the Italians would hate that wouldn't they you've already slagged off their pasta so I think you're alright yeah fair enough yeah delish want that I also want an honourable mention here for some Betty Crocker icing in just in a pot yeah I know the stuff oh yeah just with a spoon the forbidden yoghurt

Oh God. That's worse than Steve's special sauce. Steve. Why is Steve getting involved in my pasta? I can't remember those guys. It's Earl's Steve. Earl's Steve. Earl's, yeah. The forbidden yogurt. The forbidden yogurt. It's the same as that. Yeah.

Oh my God. Yeah, it's the most delicious thing and I will happily... The thing is, you can get it in to make some brownies or something. I always have to buy two because I know realistically, be true to yourself Ellie, it's not going to make it out. Yeah.

It's going straight down with a spoon. It's so good. Because it's thick and even like Nutella or something. It's honestly the best tasting thing I've ever had in my life. Well, it's got to be on your menu. You can't have it as an honourable mention. But I also wanted to have tiramisu. Yeah, I'll put it as a little side pot for you. I don't want a little one. Okay. You can have a side dish, a dessert side dish of the Betty Crocker. That's what I want. Yeah. It could be blended into the milkshake if you wanted. Oh God, I could drink it. Yeah, why not? Let's do it. Chuck it in. Wow.

Chuck it in. And it goes. And I also want, with my pudding, a Yorkshire biscuit tea. Have you had chats about this before? No, I've heard of it. Could you please enlighten our listeners? So it's Yorkshire tea.

we all know and love this but it probably doesn't so it's biscuit it's like infused with like a biscuit flavour but it's not sweet it's like a rich tea has been dunked in it yeah that's nice and let to like marinate and it's really malty and just delicious and very like wholesome and warming and lovely

That sounds good. Yeah. It did sound gross when you described it. Yeah, it does. But it's not. But like, I get what you mean. It's like infused with the flavour. Yeah. They do a jam and toast one as well, which I don't like. That's too much, isn't it? Does that taste like jam and toast? It does, but it's not... It doesn't do it for me. You don't want to sip jam and toast. I...

No, I tried it, but no, I'm a purist. So Yorkshire tea and I carry that around in, I carry it in a Tupperware with me to make sure. Because it's like ruined every other cup of tea if you're in a restaurant, obviously. You're like loose two tea bags in a Tupperware. I've got a tea bag in a Tupperware. You haven't got like a maid tea in a Tupperware? No. No.

Yeah, yeah. Over the lid. Just sort it out. It's next to the Tupperware Phil's special sauce, obviously. I carry around two Tupperwares at all times. Yeah, don't mix them up. Yeah, that's what I want to finish with. Because after dinner, after savoury food is finished, I don't want an alcoholic drink. I'm done. Even if it's a sweet alcoholic drink? No, I'm done. Okay. It's over.

you're going home yeah I don't necessarily want to go home but in the restaurant I just want a tea or a mint tea sometimes but definitely not I can't imagine wine with my dessert for instance what about a little whiskey or something no what about an espresso martini I don't like coffee

And it's like a biscuit tea martini. I hate to break it to you, but tiramisu is full of the stuff. I know, isn't that weird? It's the only coffee thing that I like. Yeah, yeah. But I don't like it. I don't like an espresso martini. But it doesn't taste like, I mean, it doesn't taste like... It's chocolatey, creamy, yum-yums. It's got the coffee sort of flavour to it, but it's not like a cup of coffee. It's not giving you a buzz. No. I shouted out a specific tiramisu on the podcast at a place called Core, C-O-R, in Bristol. Yeah. Where I'd gone in and they'd did

Tuna Moussou, but instead of sponge fingers, they'd use panettone. It tastes like Christmas pudding, Tuna Moussou. Wow. It's one of the best things I've ever eaten. And then the next day, my tour manager went to get it because I'd talked about it so much. And they were like, oh, that was just for yesterday. So then I came on the podcast. I was like, everyone gets it.

over there bully them into putting it on the menu just trying to do their jobs is it back it worked is it back on yeah my tour manager went back later he said it's back on there now and they didn't confirm it was definitely me because I bullied them but you think it is yeah it was I bullied them into doing it shout out to the tiramisu at Scoff as well obviously delicious in Manchester yeah that's a very good tiramisu is that got a hook or is that just it's a pure one it's a pure tiramisu there's a lovely personal story behind it it is genuinely the best tiramisu I've ever had what makes it so great well

I think he might put coffee in the cream. He'd never tell us. He'd never tell us. He's like, it's at the end of like an amazing tasting menu. Oh, right. So you're there for like hours just enjoying this incredible food. And then he comes out at the end and you

In tiramisu. How many courses are on the tasting menu? It's like 14 or something. Oh my God! It's a lot. And then you look at the tiramisu and you think, oh, surely we can't manage it. And that's how you know something is so delicious. Because you still want to give it a go. Your body doesn't even feel full anymore. It's like, I just want to eat this tiramisu. We went there on New Year's Eve. So normally they come over and give you like a spoonful in a little bowl. Yeah. And the main thing. We went there on New Year's Eve and he brought a whole one over. Oh my God! And went, there you go guys. Happy New Year. Do your worst. And...

no one was expecting us to do that and you did it they were all stood in the kitchen going they're never going to do that I say we did it this guy took on the lion's share I'd imagine you're my hero me and Amy and Nat really went to town on that two in my suit don't mind if we two in my do

That's a Milton Jones joke. Yeah. Which, to be fair, his daughter wrote for him. Also, before I read the menu back to you, who was Betty Crocker? Some American lady who liked cakes. Do we think she's real? I think she's real. Yeah. Yeah, I reckon. Is she real, Ben? Branded fictional character. You thought she was real. I've bought into that brand. We've just ruined that for you like Santa Claus. Well, it's your dream job.

your dream male. She's real now. She's a little old American lady. Yeah, does massages. Hey, my dear, would you like this part? I said, she's got something wrong with her mouth. Teeth don't fit, Pop. Well,

I like this. I like Betty Crocker. She's very friendly, dear. I'm going to read you back to you now, see how you feel about it. Yeah. You want three drinks at the Langham? Yeah. Double vodka and Diet Coke? Yeah, probably. Robinson, DVDC? Thank you. Thank you. Robinson's fruit and barley, orange. Thank you. And a Kia Royale, because you're keeping it classy. Yes. Then you would like sparkling water, which you're going to be squirting those barley water pouches into it that we've just invented. Problems of bread, warm baguette with salted butter and...

olive oil and vinegar yes starter some of your lovely enunciation again there starter it's the compte reading that's why yeah this doesn't need a compte reading to make you back I do appreciate that starter jam on coquetas

Oh no, come on. Jam on croquetas sounds like you're putting jam on there. Jam. Jam on toast. No. Come on. Come on, James. Back of the throat. There we go. Croquetas. Very nice. With aioli from Josie. Oh, God.

This is going to take ages. And you would like jam on as well. And it's like, Nina Comte cheese and potato skins with cheese and ham in it. Yeah. Made by James. Yeah. Rigatoni with special sauce. Really bad.

It's perfect noise. Side dish, Kellogg's start. Yes. With some cold whole milk, which I'm imagining it being on the side and you add it if you want to. Yeah, that's fair. Dessert, we have a chocolate milkshake from the boathouse on Shelley Beach. Yep. With Betty Crocker's icing in it. Yeah. A tiramisu, could be from anywhere, because you love it, and a Yorkshire biscuit tea. Done. I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of that. Feel good? I'm happy and I'm hungry. Yeah. That does sound nice. Yes. And I do agree with the bridge thing with the cereal, I think. Yeah. I think it's a lovely move. Thank you. The cereal move. Did you ever go to the cereal bar that they opened? Of course, I bloody did. Remember when they opened that in London and everyone absolutely kicked off and hated them for it? Brick Lane.

Yeah, cereal bar, cereal cafe, cereal killers. Cereal killers. It was hipster culture gone mad. Everyone was absolutely furious. I had a nice idea. I did. What did you have in the cereal killer cafe when you went? I think like a cocktail of like American stuff that I couldn't get over here. You mixed them? Yeah, I always mix my cereal. Nice. What's your favourite mix to do at home?

It's all quite wheat based at home, I'd say. So sort of shreddies, fruit and fibre, maybe some oats. I mean, boring, but I don't care. I really like it. You know, keeps you regular. Do you know what I mean? I was going to say. Fun. Your house is like clockwork. And that's why if I come home from a gig, good gig, bad gig, massive bowl of cereal with loads of sugar. That's good. I don't tend to like, I don't have a VDC, I have a big bowl of shreddies.

And you put the sugar on top of it. You don't get Frosted Shreddies. No, I don't. Although I do love Frosted Shreddies. They are sensation. They are fantastic, actually. What's your number one cereal? I get the boring ones now all the time. But when I was a kid, you know, first...

first week of the month if you go with mum and dad on the big shop yeah yeah you get to choose the special cereal yeah when it's gone it's gone that's what we were told love it you get one box of it when it's gone it's gone love that I would get Crave I'd go for that Crave cereal oh that's with the chocolate inside it's basically got yeah Betty Crocker's icing in it inside the little pockets of whatever I don't know what

Doesn't matter what crop that is. You're cracking into the pockets, you're licking out the middle and you're throwing away the pockets, right? Yeah, yeah. That's my motto. But yeah, I'd go for the Crave. And this is how much of a sugar addicted family we were. Cookie Crisp.

Which is essentially, it's got a fucking picture of a wolf on the front. Yeah. You've been glad it is. Because of like how insane it turns into a cartoon wolf. Because it's basically just a bowl of cookies. And there is like a wolf going insane like they do in the cartoons. It's a cartoon wolf that's like howling. You know, like they do in the cartoons when a character sees like a sexy lady and then they turn into a wolf and start howling. That was like the wolf at the top. That's what you did when you saw the serial, right? Yeah. Ah!

I only do it when I see Sue. Yeah, his tongue unraveled. Yeah, I'm going to smack myself in the head with a mallet. All that stuff. Well, that sounds delicious, Ellie. That's fantastic. Very good. Thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Ellie. Thank you so much for having me.

There we are, James. Wow. Rogue. Rogue. Went rogue a few times there, but I respect it. Cereal side dish. Multiple desserts. Yeah, I think, yeah, both into that. Yeah, I'm absolutely happy with that. No Pavlova, even though there were multiple desserts. Yeah, you're thinking, you're thinking, surely she's going to pick Pavlova at some point. As soon as you said there's a few of these, I was like, we're in trouble here. Uh-oh.

Because pavlova's a popular dish. Yes. Obviously, everyone should go and see palavering. Palavering starts in April. EllieTaylorComedy.com for tickets. Go along and see it. It is bound to be a fantastic show. James. Yeah? Is it by?

Huh? Is it bye now? Are we saying goodbye now? I don't know. Have we done everything? Benito's crazy. He'd start us if we'd done Pavlova or not. Yeah. We did it. That's the main thing we've done. You're crazy. Benito's zoning out because he hates us. Yeah, well, who can blame him? It's been a long time. It's been a long, old few years. Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye, everyone.

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