Ep 285: Sally Phillips
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adding the crackers of having a great time and the chutney of cheering the fuck up, James. Look at me. What's your problem? You know what you've done. I guess we're having a cheese board today. That is Ed Campbell, the son of a bitch. My name is James A. Castor. Together we own a drink restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest. We ask them their favourite ever start and main course dessert, cider shan drink, not in that order. And this week...

Our guest is Sally Phillips. The wonderful Sally Phillips, James. National treasure. National treasure. So fantastic. One of my favourite comedians. So funny. One of our finest comic actors. I mean...

Obviously, Taskmaster, Series 5. I'm Alan Partridge, one of the greatest sitcoms of all time. And the greatest series of a sitcom. Yeah, absolutely. Smack the Pony, an iconic sketch show. Smack the Pony was part of a line-up on BBC Two of shows on either a Monday or a Tuesday, I want to say. Smack the Pony was 9.30pm and it was like a run of three or four things that when I was a kid I was like,

Here we go. It was so cool. This is my night of telly. Yeah, absolutely fantastic. And now in Austin. Yes. There's a new Australian comedy series. The BBC have acquired it. Already a hit in Australia. Coming soon from Friday the 4th of April. Starring Sally, of course. That's why we're talking to her about it. Ben Miller and Michael Theo. Yeah. Who's one of our favourite guys from Love on the Spectrum. Yeah, we both love Love on the Spectrum. Especially the two series that Michael...

is in and very excited to see his acting career take flight so make sure you watch Austin but of course James however much we may love Sally Phillips if she says a secret ingredient on which we have pre-agreed we will have to remove her from the restaurant and I hope to God she doesn't say it me too this

This week, the secret ingredient is... Pony. It's about the pony. She's not going to put pony on her menu, man. You'd think not. I mean... Or smack. But people can't... It is edible. Well, there was the horse meat scandal, of course. Of course. And there are some countries...

Well, you know, they eat horse. Yes. And they do it properly, I guess. So, you know, she might have been to a country where they've made a pony steak or something and it was really nice. Where people eat horse and they know they're eating horse, unlike the horse meat scandal. Yeah, I mean, look, you've got to let the horse meat scandal go. No, I'm just going, I missed, I wasn't on Mock the Week when the horse meat scandal was happening. Yeah, that was a good week, I imagine. Good week?

Good year, mate. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was quite a while that the horse meat thing was going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But those ones aren't always the best ones, you know. You think, ah, this is a huge story, it's going to be great. Yeah. But actually the internet of all... Yeah, but the horse meat scanner was different, man. It'd be like, oh, if this is the answer, what is the question three? And you could be like, how many horses are in opacity? That's good. Yeah, yeah. I mean, after that,

Probably running out of... Three. How many of them are in a lasagna? How many horses are in a lasagna? How many horses are in a lasagna, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. How many horses have I eaten for breakfast? How many bites did I take of a pasty before I realised it had a horse in it? Anyway, rest in peace to Mott the Week. I guess we should get on with the episode. Yes, please. This is the off-menu menu of Sally Phillips. Welcome, Sally, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Welcome, Sally Phillips, to the Dream Restaurant. Been spending you for some time.

Well, thank you very much for inviting me. Did you enjoy that? I did. I did. I just, yeah, that's how you normally greet guests, isn't it? It is. I did well not to scream, I think. Yeah. Would you normally scream at that sort of stuff? Yeah, I do startle easily, yeah. Yeah. Not that people say startle these days, actually. That's good. Yeah, I've got startle reflex like a baby, you know. When

When was the last time you were the most startled? Well, it's the thing that both my sons and also Michael Theo from Austin, he likes to startle me because he thinks my response is funny. I do scream very easily and I'm terrified of snakes. So he comes up and...

does snake impressions and I scream and my heart rate goes through the roof and I think I'm going to die early and he laughs like mutley for about 15 minutes. We have to, and the director gets annoyed because we're, you know, getting behind, losing the light. We should talk about Austin, but Michael Theo in particular, we're both big fans. Are you? We're so jealous of you. You need to get Michael Theo on a podcast.

we would love that obviously such huge fans from Love on the Spectrum he's just brilliant he is I'll tell him that you he'll go they've heard of me yeah he's completely brilliant yeah he's fantastic on that show and I didn't know that he was going to start acting and he's acting with you Ben Miller it's an amazing cast

Well, that's very kind of you. How did you get involved with it? Because I'm very excited to see it. This is very polite of you to say so. That's not polite. He's not polite. He's not a polite guy. He means it. If he says it, he means it. Yeah, well, that's good. That's good. Yeah. Ben Miller did a film in Australia called Razzle Dazzle, which is very big in Australia. Yeah.

turns out he's still good friends with the director Darren Ashton and Darren works with the company Northern Pictures that made Love on the Spectrum and Australia well the whole world fell in love with Michael from Love on the Spectrum instantly he was top hat wearing heart on his sleeve no defences and

quite a lot of long words. And Darren thought, I wonder if he can act and rang Ben and said, what do you think? Ben said, I think it's worth a shot. So Darren got in touch with Michael, met him, felt like he was even more amazing in person. And so he and Ben came up with the idea of Ben being Michael's long lost dad. And then Ben asked me to write it and I said, no. But he sort of proposed to me, I said, would you come and play my wife on screen? Mm-hmm.

So then we discussed about how it might work and they got some writers on board who don't miss deadlines. And yeah, and then we went from there. So the idea was come up with to base around Michael. Around Michael. Yeah. Yeah, around Michael. That's amazing. Exactly. Yeah. So for me, I've got, you know, neurodiverse kids. I've got a child who's got Down syndrome and autism. And so...

you know, matters to me a lot, representation. I can see it makes a big difference to Ollie. But also, I think TV is great. You can get people into people's homes. And I think if you can get people familiar with people with disabilities, then they're less likely to, you know, exclude them or harm them or whatever. And just a bit more understanding, right? Yeah, and also he's so funny. I mean, it strikes me that, you know, sitcoms,

In the 70s and 80s, people were just pretending to be autistic. And so why not just get somebody? And he feels quite strongly that Young Sheldon and Big Bang Theory are misrepresenting autism as, you know, people not caring and all the rest of it. And so he has contributed a lot to the character. He'll sort of flatly refuse to do something. We use lots of things from his life, like stirring fizzy drinks so that they're flatter and things like that.

That's fantastic. It is amazing the oversight sometimes and stuff like that where they want to have an autistic character and then they don't even do the bare minimum of research. No. Have it that they assume it's just someone with no empathy. Yeah. Just do that. Exactly. And think that that, I don't know, is either funny or... Tell you what, I'm quite struck with Nordic noir. They tend to make the women...

so that they can just write men. Right, wow. But yeah, it is fantastic to actually have Michael, yeah. I mean, it's been great. And I think the thing that's been most telling is how exactly the same it is. You know, it's just no difference. We tried to have a neurodiverse crew on the British end of the shoot and there was no difference between a neurodiverse crew and a crew that didn't identify as neurodiverse. So either that tells you that

all the tests just identify people who work in television, which is possible, or it's just not such a big deal. Yeah. You know? I also really like, what I really like about this as a parent is that often when autism or learning disability is in a drama, they will make that the reason the character is there. So the character is there because they're autistic and they will then be tortured and killed because they're autistic. Mm-hmm.

I was talking to Sarah Gordy, who's an actress with Down syndrome, and I said, what would be your dream character? And she said, a news agent. She just wanted to play someone who was just there as a person who wasn't being, you know, not suffering because she had Down syndrome. And so this is great. It's almost irrelevant, the autism. It's just sort of the way he talks and the way he approaches the world. It's just part of his character, but it's not a storyline. It's no surprise to me that he's brilliant in it because he's clearly such...

a performer when he's on screen, right? And apparently that's how he learned to talk. So he was non-verbal until four or five, maybe later. And his parents noticed he just watched animations.

And I shouldn't tell you all of this. You should just get him on because he would be a great guest because he does not lie. Yes. Unlike me. Unlike me. I would, of course, lie for money. No problem. But Michael, so last, you know, we've just been just literally just come back and he says, I can't believe that I am so well regarded by the world's media. Look at this. Look at this review. Michael Theo easily outperforms more experienced actors, Ben Miller and Sally Phillips.

We're like, well, don't read us that one. Don't tell us that one, Michael. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Yeah. Yeah. I love him to bits. I mean, he's just great. Fantastic. So great, yeah. Would you consider yourself a foodie, Sally? I wouldn't, but my partner is a trained chef. So I have been dragged into awareness. I mean, I'm someone who a whole term at university, all I had was Snickers. LAUGHTER

Snickers all day, every day. Yeah, it's got protein, you know, for dairy. Why was it Snickers above the other chocolate bars? I just don't know. I guess it was the salty tang, wasn't it? Yeah, it was the salty tang. And then when I first started acting, I would just have sausage, beans and chips. That was like all the time. Wow. When you were just eating Snickers, did you notice any interesting things happening with your health?

No. No, none. That's the great thing about being young and at university, isn't it? Yeah, and there's that thing where, you know, it's 2am, you think, oh, I may as well stay up now. Yeah. Why not stay up, have a couple of Snickers, go straight to a lecture. Exactly. But now I do know quite a lot about food. And we did set up in the pandemic, or just before the pandemic, a secret supper club where we did these evenings. The idea being that normally if you have dinner theatre, both the food and the theatre is rubbish. Yeah.

But we thought, why don't we do performance around the food? So we did one called Fond of Mushrooms, which is a Tolkien quote. And we did that at the cricket club on Kew Green, which is where the fungarium at Kew Gardens have their Christmas party. And we had the curator of the fungarium at Kew come and do...

about mushrooms and he's basically a stand-up, very, very funny. And so he told us lots of, like, mushrooms, it turns out, are the fastest things on Earth.

They fire their spores into the air at a greater speed than anything else. Oh, wow. Yeah, we learned about the stinkhorn mushroom, which is a mushroom that looks like a penis. And Charles Darwin's niece was obsessed with them and was worried they would corrupt. Anyway, lots of interesting facts about mushrooms. And we had a band, the fun guys, come in.

and perform mushroom-related, mushroom-gathering songs. And then Ronnie Ancona and I did some mushroom-related material, none of which I can remember now. And we read things like the mushroom-gathering scene from Anna Karenina and Sylvia Plath's Mushroom Bows. And it was...

Really mad. That evening was unbelievably mad. We lost loads of money. There were five mushroom-based courses. Was that a mushroom dessert? Yeah. Yeah, chocolate and porcini. It was really truffles, dark chocolate truffles with porcini mushrooms. Absolutely delicious. Yes, please. So we did a few more of those. We did one based on gin and beer and one on stuff you get from the river.

And then midsummer, we did a Swedish midsummer thing. We haven't done one for a while, partly because we lose so much money. Because so many people died in the midsummer. They were frightened actually, because Midsommar the film had just come out. So we led people into the Swedish church and,

in Marylebone and there were some Swedish mums but dressed in their kit you know they looked like lederhosen but with a dress and they sang acapella slightly scary choral music in Swedish and then we didn't give them drinks or anything

and then led them downstairs. And there was a midsummer dance. Have you heard of this? The frog dance? No. Where there's a song and you go around, you dance in a circle. And the Swedes sing a lot of songs around food. And this one was...

The words, I think, were, little frog, little frog, you're such an idiot, you don't have a tail. And then they go, little pig, little pig, you're great, you have a tail. Wow. And everyone was quite afraid, but we gave them very strong, like Swedish, homemade Swedish alcohol. I think Midsommar made people scared of all Swedish things for about a year. It did. Yeah, it did. It did.

It did. I haven't seen the film, actually. Oh, some bad stuff's happened. If you'd seen the film, you wouldn't have done a themed movie. You wouldn't have themed it around that. Yes, and we realised that. It's not as fun as Mushrooms. Mushrooms were fun, yeah. Yeah, we had a... It was really great. The Riverside one was fantastic. We had... Ronnie Ancona's brother was an admiral

In the Navy. Yeah, and Conan's really getting involved in this show. Yeah, yeah. He told us about that. We had an actor who had rowed across the Atlantic reading from Jerome K. Jerome. Do you know, have you read Three Men in a Boat? No. It's a completely brilliant bit where they've had a tough day and they're all feeling a bit grumpy and then they find a tin of pineapple and their spirits lift, but they haven't got a tin opener. Yeah.

And it's just these three blokes trying to open a tin of pineapple without a tin opener. And it's just very funny. Was that dessert? There was, I think it was pineapple-based dessert. We had a forager, George. No, Fred George. Fred George. Fred and George. No, I've got that. I can't believe I've got that wrong. Sorry, menopause. My brain doesn't really work. Fred. Flavour Fred is his Instagram handle. And...

And he is a, he showed us all the plants around the, we did it in a boathouse. They're all the plants around the area that could kill you. The

This sounds great, Sally. I think you should do another one. It was, it was great. Yeah, it is great, apart from it's just a loss-making thing. So it's just for fun. Yeah, we could do a collaboration. Yeah, we could. Yeah, we'll do one. We can't do mushrooms again. Benito hates mushrooms. But we'll base it. How about this? We do a collab that is the meal that you choose today, and that's what we do for people. We make it a real thing. Well, we should do, have you done your meals? Yes, yes. Loads of times. But like, you know, this is a collab with you, so it should be off-menu. Excellent.

I haven't actually at the current time decided. Well, by the end of this episode you will. By the end of this episode I'll have decided. And we can just do your dream meal for everybody. When you say at the current time, do you mean as we're recording the episode right now? As we're recording the episode. And I did think about it, obviously. Like I say, I was thinking about it and I was sort of planning with menus and all the rest of it and looking at a cookery book of Icelandic food and

And then I listened to Bob Mortimer's episode and I just thought, it's all pointless. I just need to say jam. I want to eat jam. Jam in hell. I want to be fed jam by Bob Mortimer on a long spoon.

Well, we always start with still a sparkling water. Do you have a preference, Sally? Yeah, I think sparkling water since it's a dream menu because it's posh, isn't it? And if you're going to have mineral water, it seems, I don't know why, I have a strong feeling that it's wrong to have non-tap water.

still. Yeah. Why is that? Really? I think I just feel someone's making a bit of a point. Yeah. If they have flat, I'm going to call it flat. Yeah, flat water, yeah. They're selling you something that you have for free in your house. Something you have for free in your house. It's like they're selling you, you know, fresh air. Yeah, exactly. So do you think people who have still water...

that's from a bottle, are basically saying, I'm too good for tap water. I'm too good for tap water. Yeah, especially in their own homes. When they say, I don't drink tap, I'm like, ooh. Do you know how many people who don't drink tap? I do. Flavour Fred? I do. Not Flavour Fred. No, obviously he just, he drinks from streams. Here's something I've worked out about myself the other day.

I drink tap water all the time at home, obviously. But if I drink it from the bathroom tap, I feel weirder about it as if it's different water than the kitchen tap. But I think, is it not slightly... I don't know. I don't know either. I know exactly what you mean. It tastes more metallic from the... Yeah. I love the fact that we're both confessing that we have both. Yeah, yeah. Always have both. Drunk from the bath. Yeah.

But it's convenient if I'm about to go to bed and I want some water or whatever to take, you know, I'm going to the bathroom tap, not going, but I'm thinking, you're slamming in. But is it, like, it's different from the sink and the bath? Yeah, very different from the bath. Have you ever taken it from the bath? Well, the shower's the hardest one to get to. Yeah, yeah. Really got to be under there for a while to get a good mouthful. Yeah, yeah. There is a website, Mineral Waters of the World. You know this, presumably? No, no. Where they rank the different mineral waters. Oh.

Oh, wow. Someone's properly done the... Yeah, yeah. What's top? Well, I actually printed it out. Because although I haven't... Benito, stop doing this. Benito, stop. Benito's up in the way. Sally's printed out the website. I was going to look at some of this, but then I... Just realised you printed out quite a lot of stuff. I printed out a lot of stuff. Well, no, I printed out some of the stuff from the supper club in case there was something I could remember. And I thought I'd read it in the car, but then I got car sick, so I haven't. Here we go.

Top is a... Oh, I haven't got number one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, here we go. Number one. Topo Chico. Have you ever heard of that? Topo Chico. Topo Chico. Where's that from? 17 votes. Doesn't say. 17? I'm guessing...

17 votes, not very many. Not as top, is it? Dorna, then, well, do you want to have a look at the thing? But the first one I recognise is Badwa at number six with 40 votes. What? I don't know why number one. That's more votes than number one. I don't know why number one. I'm not going to trust this website. Out of five. It is Mineral Waters of the World. Check it. It's independents.

Yeah, it's an independent thing they've done. It's an independent thing, yeah. Sally, I hate to skip ahead, but I've noticed on another sheet there's a paragraph with the subheading Chinese ghosts. Yeah. Yeah, this is all Supper Club stuff. Yeah. Did you know that Chinese ghosts, the reason Chinese temples have zigzag bridges over their ponds is because Chinese ghosts can only cross water in a straight line?

I didn't know that. I mean, it's weird what sort of comes up on the podcast because we've recently had a conversation with John Kearns where he talked about Japanese ghosts not having any feet. Yes. Wow. So I thought this might be where that was going. Yeah. No. But obviously not. Yeah, they can't. They have to cross water in straight lines. They can zigzag on land. Yeah. But not across water. But not across water. So they see that bridge and go. So if you're being chased by a Chinese ghost. Yeah. And there's only a straight bridge, you're.

Yeah, yeah, big trouble. What part of the supper club did that relate to? I just can't remember. Presumably that was part of the Riverside one, yeah. I love that it's still on the form though and you can't quite remember what. I can't remember what it was, yeah. We haven't done one for a while, like I say. Yeah, Japanese water demons look like small naked men with a turtle shield and a water-filled bowl-shaped head. So that is how I would like my water served. Yeah, yeah.

I feel like it's served inside the skull of a Japanese water demon. Yes. They lurk in water for unsuspecting passers-by and they drag them into the deep. Because this is a dream menu, I will be immune to their charms. And the way you escape from them is you carve your name into a cucumber and you throw it into the water. So I'll have cucumber, fizzing cucumber water from the skull of a Japanese water demon, please.

Beautiful. That's very appropriate. It tastes good in the water and it subdues the demon. And it subdues the demon. Absolutely ideal. And your cucumber has your name carved into it as well. Yes, why not? Are you going to go full name Sally Phillips or just Sally? Sally Elizabeth Phillips. Sally Elizabeth Phillips. It's a long old cucumber. Yeah.

Pop-Rums or bread? Pop-Rums or bread, Sally? Pop-Rums or bread? Basket of bread. Basket of bread. Breads of the world. Oh, yeah? Peshawari naan, obviously. Obviously. The bounty of breads. Oh, yeah. And then, like, some bread. And this, because this is the dream restaurant, all the bread is good for you. Yes. So, very, very, like Mother's Pride, possibly. I love, I still love that. Just like sliced white. Rolling it into balls, yeah. Yeah.

And then a Swedish bread with some kind of like citrus thing. Yeah, I like that. Like, you know, orange cardamom kind of thing with like nuts in it.

Yeah, yeah. It's probably got a name. Delicious. Is a Swedish bread quite a sort of heavy bread, would you say? Well, they do lots of different breads. They're a very strong bread culture. So you can get a rye bread, but that's not what I'm thinking of. It has a bit of rye in it, this bread. Maybe it's got a bit of oat in it, but it's also got, I think, cardamom and...

Maybe little seeds and orange rind. Lovely. A little bit sweet then. A little bit sweet, yeah. Maybe a hot cross bun in there? Maybe a hot cross bun. Well, exactly, a hot cross bun. It's not a million miles away. I started my day with a hot cross bun. It was huge as well, wasn't it? And it was brown. It was.

It was a non-traditional hot cross bun. Yeah, it looked good. It looked really good though. And you could peel the cross off. Yeah, that's if you're not religious. That's if you're not religious. It's a non-denominational bun. Atheist bun, yeah. Yeah, you can get rid of it. Just have the bun if you don't want to. I always think of Jesus every time I eat that hot cross bun. You think of Jesus every time you eat anything though, don't you? I was raised in the church. But yeah, I still think of it because of my upbringing. Were you raised in the church? I was. Little Christian boy.

Which church? It was like a non-denominational... So it's like guitars and... Yeah, yeah, rock band. And were you in the rock band? No, but I learnt drums from the drummer in the rock band because I wanted to be in that one day. So now when James plays drums, it sounds very religious. Yeah. I like tambourines. Egg. Egg.

shaky egg oh yeah shaky egg of course I've got a shaky egg knocking around the house somewhere yeah of course all of that I do actually still have the tambourine that that drummer gave me it's covered in stickers that say how cool Jesus is so I've got that in my house do you think there's quite a lot of comics there's quite a few aren't there who had vicar dads was yours a vicar dad vicar dad or just like a member of the church but yeah I've met a few who do have vicar parents Hugh Dennis I think yeah he's definitely got bishop dad

None of you are taxed. No, when I was a teenager, I went to a Christian festival called Greenbelt and you were there. That's the first time I ever saw you doing anything. You introduced a band, I think. Probably. I was like, that's a comedian. That's the only time I've ever been to Greenbelt. Just once. I really liked it. It's great. It was great.

I really liked it. They had Peter Tatchell and I was talking to him very respectfully. I was like, thank God there's a place where Christians are not rude about homosexuals. Yes. It's one thing that looking back at when I was religious, that was cool actually. I liked that. I liked Greenbelt. Does it still happen? It does. And now it happens even closer to, it's literally like two minutes from my parents' house it happens now. Do I go? No.

You're setting yourself up for them to email you to try and book you now. Hey. You've absolutely set yourself up for it. Well, yeah. But they know I'm such a bad boy now. Yeah. They couldn't book me for Green Book. But you're not that bad. Huh? What? What do you mean, Sally? What are you talking about? You host a food podcast. I'm a bad boy. In what sense? How are you bad? I'll tell it like it is. I don't care. I care about anyone's feelings. Yeah.

That's just not true. Rude man. Rude, I'm rude, yeah. You're not rude. Yeah, yeah, bad manners. When are you, when? When I'm on stage. Not now, sure. When you're on stage, not now. Yeah, they put me on that stage, they'll be on the receiving end, they'll be on the business end of some opinions. They won't like it. Off menu from Greenbelt. Yeah. Ed wouldn't do it. He likes heavy metal. He would, he would, like, I think if you set foot on that holy ground,

He would go up in flames. Yeah. Steam would start rising off of him. He wouldn't be able to do it. I don't really know what it's like. But it's supposed to be pretty open-minded, isn't it? Yeah, but not to Satanists like Ed. Are you a Satanist? I don't think I am, no. I like heavy metal, though. Yeah. But, you know, I don't know how they feel about that at Greenbelt. I think the guy who directed The Shack...

one of the more Christian films ever is really into heavy metal. I don't think it's incompatible. Is it? Unless, is it all, it's not all, I don't like heavy metal. Is it all about Satan? Some of it, yeah. Some of it is. Satan, I love you. Yeah, that sort of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Satan, I love you. Yeah, that's one of my favorites.

You've got to be careful with songs like that. You can't go green bouncing in that. Yeah, yeah, Satan, I love you. But I guess they love everyone, right? So they have to love Satan. Well, I think that's a really interesting theological point. Yeah. No, it is. Is that the logical end point? That all Christians become Satanists. That even Satan should be forgiven. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Like, where is the line? Yeah, yeah. It seems arbitrary. Interesting. I mean, this is quite a boring point I'm going to make, but I think a lot of Satanists don't,

actually believe in the notion of Satan. Satanism is about self-worship. It's about self-worship. Listen to that. Spoken like a true Satanist. Is it about self-worship? I thought it was about outsiders, like being outside the thing. Or is it about making yourself as... I think a lot of Satanists would say it's about self-worship and Satan is a representative thing as being anti-organized religion. Wow.

I love disorganized religion. It's my favorite. Yeah, I was going to say. Like whenever I've been to church, it doesn't seem very organized. No, the one I went to wasn't. It's all over the place. Yeah. Yeah, usually they're not. Dawn French wasn't organized. She was more organized than most. Yeah, to be fair to her.

Let's get to your menu proper now, your dream starter. So I really like the idea. This is a dream restaurant, right? Yeah. So I really like the idea of being able to get your own stuff, like find your own food. Now, in reality, that would be me swearing, traipsing along the banks of the Thames with a spade, looking for a Jerusalem artichoke and only finding something polluted. But in this world...

I love the idea of just going to be able to, you know, going to collect a load of stuff. Is this like the age and stage I'm at? Like, I think it is probably a sort of post-menopausal stage in a woman where you want to forage and gather and weave things and find like wild garlic flowers. And I want to eat chervil. What is chervil? Yeah.

Yeah, monk's weed and hagwort and things like that. So in the dream environment, I want to forage for a load of stuff. Like I want to eat flowers that are not poisonous. Yeah.

Like last time. Yeah. In terms of the dream restaurant, we can guarantee that you're not going to be poisoned by anything that you find. The dream restaurant. I guess, are you thinking we're like on an expansive plane? We're like in the countryside and you can just walk around and find things and there's a bounty out there. Let's say starter in the countryside. Etta Eksted. Have you ever eaten there? No. So it's a Swedish restaurant. They cook in,

In iron bowls and they infuse things with it. They burn hay under the thing. Yeah.

And it's like the thing, it's the most beautiful meal I've ever eaten. I've only eaten there once. It was just unbelievable. Things sort of arriving on bits of moss with tiny flowers. And it was the first time I sort of, we'd been doing these supper clubs and I was like, oh, let's make it look nice and let's do art around the food. And I went, oh, okay, sorry, I get it now. This is art around the food. This food is so beautiful and it smells so amazing. You could see them cooking it. So an iron bowl that came out red hot. And by the time we got it,

got to your table it was it was black again and then the thing was cooking in it where is this place um there's one in stockholm but i think there's one in london x said at the yard wow nice and it's really amazing that sounds really like the chef's tasting menu nine courses we had and i was like okay i get it now having you took to snickers girl you know yeah it's like okay i understand this is absolutely amazing

Yeah, I guess out in the woods, like nomadic dinners, that kind of thing. And we've gone and got a load of things. And then someone actually more skilled has made sure you don't burn it.

But I did have cooked lettuce. Have you ever had that? No. I've had like grilled lettuce before, like baby gem lettuce done on a barbecue and stuff like that. No, it's, well, I don't know what it's called anyway. It's a slightly different kind of lettuce. And then you sort of grill it over hay with some smoked butter. Wow. And then put it on a plate, surround it with a load of edible flowers, which you don't have to eat, but they make you feel special and beautiful. And when you're past your prime as a woman, there's nothing nicer. Yeah.

So you would like the grilled lettuce with the butter over hay with the edible flowers around it. Smoked, yeah, edible flowers around it. In a field or in the woods? Don't mind. Outside, yeah, outside. And maybe, you know, I'm a sucker for those sticks with lights that hang off them.

You know? Do you know what I mean? Like a lamp or a torch. Yeah, but it's like a string of lights. What's it called? Festoon. Festoon. Festoon Garland. Benito didn't even have to Google that. He didn't even have to Google it. It's Festoon Garland. Fairy lights, candles. It's a bit of no joy whatsoever. Like a nice music festival where there's like a glade. Yeah, glade. Nice music festival, exactly. I'm picturing, because the other week I went to a premier screening of

the first two episodes of Bridget Christie's The Change. That's all in the Forest of Dean and there's like all that kind of... And that's about the menopause. To be fair. Have I just described Bridget Christie's sitcom as my dream environment? No, but that's what I'm imagining because I've got it so fresh in my mind. And you're saying about the foraging and that's a big part of that show as well and nature and all of that. And because they talk about the menopause and you've just linked it to that. Maybe that's it. I mean, it's always struck me that women have a kind of

more creative midlife crisis where we get into weaving and distilling things and collecting things and men dump their wives and buy a Porsche or whatever it's just...

Yes, one does sound a bit more idyllic, doesn't it? Yeah, I don't know. It feels good to me anyway. I don't want a Porsche. It feels good to me. The only thing that can happen is I think women can get into a babying primates kind of stage, like babying puppies, when their maternal instinct goes supercharged when you hit 50. Even that sounds better. You know what? This is a dream restaurant. Let's have a whole load of baby baboons here.

wandering around some little chimps like a spider monkey yeah spider monkey that loves me yeah that can play the banjo yeah yeah he's there too sitting on my on my shoulder is he playing the banjo on your shoulder yeah and he loves you a tiny tiny banjo what's he playing rainbow connection no he's playing Nina Simone yeah like

What's the word? Montage, like... Oh yeah, a little medley, a little Nina Simone medley. Nina Simone medley. Is he eating as well, the spider monkey, or is he just playing while you're... Yeah, I feed him petals. Little petals. This is lovely. And he claps whenever I tell a joke. Yeah. Like rolls over backwards. Pulls up his shoulder laughing. Pops his banjo on his back and starts clapping. Yeah. Yeah, something like that.

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Thank you.

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Your dream main course? Yeah, jam. Dream main course. You've started very well, by the way, so I'm excited to hear the rest of the menu. Oh dear. Well, I mean, what I was thinking before I listened to Bob Mortimer's episode was I would, I'd really like a tagine. It's

It's a bit boring, though. Well, it's not boring. It's delicious. Dates and apricots and all of that in it. Yeah. It is a bit dull. I don't think it's dull at all. I think tagine's lovely. I mean, if you think that's dull, you should have heard some of the things that people have said on there. What's the dullest thing you've had? Oh, my God. Fish fingers. I gladly never hear anyone pick a roast dinner again. Yeah. Oh, really? Yes. No disrespect to all the people who have. And I understand it as well. I love a roast. Yeah, we had a roast last night. Had my family over for a roast. Let's talk about it.

Let's talk about the roast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, roast potatoes, I mean, they are great. They're a classic, aren't they? They are. They are just brilliant. Depends who does them and how they do them. Depends who, and how do you do yours? Do you shake them in the, do you parboil them? If I rarely do, I rarely do a roast at home. I'm just not cooking a lot at the moment, but I will do the parboiling and shaking when I do it. Yes, exactly, me too, because I like all the crispy stuff on the outside. Do you do the squashing still? Yeah, I still do the squashing. I've got to try the squashing. My friend Joe and Kate, I went to Joe and Kate's house recently. Oh, yeah.

And they did Nigella's roast potatoes and they were incredible. Some of the best roast potatoes were so crispy and flavourful. But also they'd left the Nigella cookbook open on the roast potatoes page. And I was looking back and forth.

it's looked identical I was like you've nailed this the photo of the roasties in the cookbook is identical it's like you've taken a photo of my plate and you've put it into the cookbook I couldn't believe it this is what it's like having James over for food he will be so enthusiastic about the weirdest stuff

But were you, like, have you been foodies then, both of you, for a long time? Yeah, I think so. I mean, certainly as long as we've been doing this podcast and probably a few years before that. Yeah, yeah. Ed longer than me, I'd say. Yeah, I love it. Absolutely love it. I used to be more about quantity over quality, I'd say. Yeah. Well, you had to grow, didn't you? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And once I cut down on the quantity, I started focusing more on the quality. Yeah.

And now I like quantity of quality. I mean, I genuinely like healthy food, which makes it, which is a bit, it's a bit boring, but I think that's from having had, from having had three boys who really just want to eat, you know, flying saucers and toxic, what are they called? Toxic waste. Toxic waste. They literally want to eat toxic waste all day if they can. And I think that's,

And I've got my son with Down syndrome who will go downstairs. We have to lock the kitchen because he goes downstairs in the night. We used to say, he'd go downstairs and he used to make brownies, go downstairs and eat all the brownies. And we called him the brownie fairy. And then we stopped having brownies. There was a thing where he started to smell. And I was like, what is this? He smells really weird.

And I found that he'd stolen the rest of the roast chicken and hidden it at the bottom of his cupboard. And it had been there for about 10 days. That's great respect. Yeah. Always digging food wrappers out from under his... It's a genuine worry, how to stop him eating so much all the time. No off button at all. And he says, my body, my choice, mum. Good on him. Yeah.

Worst day of your life when he learnt that, I'd imagine, when he found that phrase somewhere. My body, my choice. It's not really what people use the phrase for. No, exactly. He's got you. He's got you there. Yeah, he has got you. I have my own consent, he says. Yeah, yeah.

Do you want that roast chicken as your main course? Yeah, old roast chicken from the bottom of my son's cupboard. No, I think I probably would go for a tagine. My partner makes a really, really, really good one. Yeah. And I love butternut squash. Again, that's very strange that only babies, me and babies love butternut squash. I do love butternut squash. I think a lot of people do. My mother hates it. The rest of my family don't really like it. But I love it. I love it.

I love them. I've got one at home waiting for me. I'm going to roast that. Yeah. We've talked about this before, but I wouldn't buy butternut squash because I find chopping it up daunting. Yes. Because they're quite hardcore, aren't they? They are. But you're a man who's into death metal. Yeah, I should be fine. I'll just put on some death metal and go to town on it. I have to draw a face on it first. In your robes. Sacrifice the butternut squash. Yeah, there's that bit at the top. It is a pain, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

I've got a cleaver though, so I'll use the cleaver. Exactly, use the cleaver. Yeah, I get you though. It is a bit daunting. A karate chop it in half. You'll karate chop it in half. Yeah. He's a bad boy. Bad boy. Yeah.

Just karate chop it in half straight away. One hit. I just swear at mine. Yeah, yeah. And it just falls apart. It does what it's told. Yeah, it does what it's told, yeah. So what else is in this tagine? You see you've got the dates and apricots and butternut squash. Is there meat within it? It doesn't need to have meat in it. Yeah, I'm not a vegetarian, but I'm completely happy with it without meat. That said, on Austin season two, the director and the producer of Vegetarian, without telling anyone, they decided to have a vegetarian set. Oh, wow.

I'm like, that's unbelievable. I'm walking off. Well, Ben Miller, he was relentless. Every day he would do a sort of protein breakdown of what we'd had to eat and eventually broke them. We were having this really delicious vegetarian food, but it wasn't enough protein in it. So you were just knackered by three o'clock. Yeah. So by the end we would have, it was pretty much chicken every day, like bad tempered meat, you know, butter chicken every day where the vegetarians continued to have their,

It would say vegetarians only. Oh, wow. Divided set. Divided set. Yeah, so I'm fine if it doesn't have any meat in it. And where do you want this? Are you still in the glade? Well, it's weird to have tajin on top of a mountain, but why not just do the world thing? Yeah, why not tajin on top of a mountain? Be warm on the top of a mountain. Are you going to be wrapped up? Wrapped up, yeah. Are we talking Everest? Probably not because it would be hard to breathe. Yeah. Yeah.

Breathing visibility, that sort of stuff. Breathing visibility, that kind of thing. And there'll be loads of tourists around as well. Yeah, like a simple Alp will do. A nice Alp. Matterhorn, on the Matterhorn. On the Matterhorn, yeah. On the Matterhorn. Oh, Benito getting excited there because it's a Disney ride. Is that where you're from, Benito? He loves Disney World, Disneyland.

and all the roller coasters and the Matterhorn is the OG at Disneyland so he'll get excited hearing you say that. Well you need to come with us because I've got special needs kids we can get to the front of the queue. Oh there you go Benito. Gotta be happy with that. You're body your choice. LAUGHTER

But you want to be up the actual Matterhorn, not the Disney Matterhorn? I want to be up, yeah, definitely not the Disney Matterhorn. Is the spider monkey going to be on the Matterhorn with you? No. No, leaving it behind. Well, now you're getting me. So why not? Let's have a Heidi-themed restaurant, Heidi Joanna Spirey-themed restaurant with baby goats. Oh, yeah. Wonderful. And Peter the Gold Herd. LAUGHTER

I haven't read that since I was a kid, that book. But there was Peter the Goatherd and the grandfather. I love this theme with the food. So like a Heidi-themed restaurant and you're having a tagine. Having a tagine, yeah. Well, you know, Heidi, yeah, after going to Frankfurt, she then went to Morocco. Yeah, exactly. People can't prove this. She's very old now, Heidi. She's massive. Yeah.

More to Heidi. The size of the Matterhorn herself, yeah. And then on the side, I want toddler veg. Okay, so is this your dream side dish? My dream side dish, vegetables grown by toddlers.

They can't wait, right? So they have to be dug up. So the carrots are just the size tiny. And the potatoes are miniature. So toddler veg. And they're so sweet. It's a thing. It is a thing. It's a thing. You don't know about this yet. Well, maybe you'll never have children and maybe you don't want children. But growing children, growing children.

One of the things you do with them is you grow, before they go to school, you grow vegetables with them. So you have your little bucket of soil and you plant some stuff and it's just adorable. And they always just dig it up. Yeah, they can't wait. So they dig it up. Yeah. And you have to persuade them to put it back.

So putting the carrots back so they get slightly longer than like three millimetres. But they're so sweet, these little things. Yeah. And they taste delicious. Yeah? Yeah, completely delicious, yeah. Okay. I would say the peas that my son grew are the best peas I've ever had in my life. Wow. Yeah. Are they smaller than normal peas? No, those ones grew full size because they were above, so he could check on them all the time. But it's the root vegetables that are tiny, tiny carrots. You can't be constantly checking in on them, can you? Yeah, the potatoes, tiny, tiny.

Yeah, it's sweet though. That sounds nice though, toddler veg. Happy memories as well. Yeah. So you want them all mixed in together, little bowl of toddler veg. Little bowl of toddler veg. And like, are you having butter on that or anything? Yeah, why not? Yeah. But actually they're really, really sweet, so you don't actually need much. Yeah. So on a cheap non-organic carrot, I might put some honey, butter and honey on a cheap carrot. Yeah. But on a toddler carrot, needs nothing. Yeah. Needs nothing. Yeah.

And what toddlers do you want making this? Well, I'd like my kids to be toddlers again. Yeah, yeah. Make them toddlers again and they can make the veg. Yeah. So if your kids are toddlers again for the main course, what's the spider monkey thinking? Ha!

Because the spider monkey was a stand-in for a child, wasn't it? Spider monkey. Well, that was the start of it. We travelled back in time. And we've gone to the top of Matterhorn. Yeah. Yeah, it's okay now. That spider monkey is gone. Yeah, he's fine. He's had his fun. Yeah. That sounds great. I love that. Are your kids and toddlers going to be there? Or do you just want to know that they've made the veg? Yeah, it would be nice if they were there. Yeah, haven't they?

there as well. That would be great. I feel like I've chosen the wrong place for the wrong thing because I would quite like to be, to like burn things on a beach at some point. Maybe that was the, but you wouldn't have hay on the beach like that. Do you mean like evidence? LAUGHTER

Yeah, like barbecue something on a beach. That's good though, isn't it? That's just fantastic. I mean, yeah, you are right. Probably the starter, isn't it? Yeah. Would be barbecued on a beach. Well, it depends what your dessert is going to be. Yeah, that did need to be. Depends what your dessert's going to be, doesn't it? Yeah, maybe I should swap the tagine, okay? I'm swapping the tagine out. Oh, yeah? Axe the Matterhorn.

We're now on a beach and it's a fresh fish on a beach. Fresh fish on a beach. Cooked in a fire. Yeah. Does it matter what kind of fish it is? Not that much. No, don't mind. No, not that much. I once had sushi straight out of the ocean. Wow. And that was unbelievable. My ex-husband caught it. Chef cut it up and we ate it like within half an hour of its death.

Lent right into the microphone to say that bit. Yeah. What sort of fish was it? I don't even know. And I don't care. It was unbelievable. It was amazing. It was so different. Nothing like your waitress sushi lunch pack. My waitress has a sushi bar. Yeah. I don't know how I feel about that. Really? I don't know. I mean, it's, I don't know. I feel sorry for them. Like trapped in the sushi pen.

What, the people working there or the fish? Yeah, people, not the fish. No. I should probably have more compassion for the fish, but I don't. I reckon working the sushi bar in a supermarket is the best bit to work in. I don't think they're trapped. No? I think it's better than working out on the floor in a supermarket, don't you? No, the movement. I'd like to go up and down. I'd like to...

Get a bit of resistance pushing on that big trolley. You know, the big, big trolleys they have. The big trolleys. Yeah, you get to appreciate the shelving. You need to. Yeah. Yeah, whereas the part from my quite like sushi art. Have you seen sushi art? There's quite a lot of sushi art where people make different pictures with the sushi. That's quite fun. But they don't get to do that in Waitrose. I haven't heard of this. Haven't you? What kind of podcast is this? Have you printed out a picture of this? Sushi?

Your dream drink. Dream drink. Well, it depends on which of the locations we're in. Well, I think we're now on the beach for the main course. Now on the beach. So some kind of cocktail. A cocktail. Yeah. Some kind of, like, girl drink. Do you ever see that sketch, Girl Drink Drunk? No. Like a massive great vat of rainbow-coloured alcohol with glitter in and a bendy straw and an umbrella. And it's brought to me by monkeys. There's monkeys here. Oh, the monkeys are back. The monkeys are back.

The monkeys are back. They feel the cold. They weren't good on the Matterhorn. Who did that sketch? The Canadian all-male sketch troupe called Kids in the Hall. Oh, yes. Kids in the Hall. Oh, yeah. Love them. They were cool. I'm crushing your head. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're good, yeah. Is there some of your sketches from, like, the Smack the Pony days that you get said back to you? Do people bring them up? A bit. We didn't have...

catchphrases. So yeah, I mean people, yeah, people do talk about some of them. What's the most common one that you get? The most common one is the singing match, was me and Dune doing competitive singing in the back room at the warehouse. Classic, right? Do they get you to do it? Do they want you to do it with them? No, they don't really. They just go, oh, that's the singing match. No, yeah, they don't really. They tend to sort of shout things from sitcoms or films instead. Oh,

It's a godsend to not have catchphrases from a sketch show, though, isn't it? Yeah. Well, we just felt really strongly about that. Yeah. Because I remember thinking it was cheating, which it isn't, of course. And also, if we'd had catchphrases, then we could have sold a load of merch and we'd be wealthy. Yeah.

But instead we had no catchphrases, no returning characters. Yeah, nothing we can exploit. You had the running things of like the... Video dates. Yeah, video things. But that was having to write a new character every single time. Yeah, we used to have like a hot seat where you'd have three or four written and then...

they just block the day out and you could just run and do whatever you wanted. Yeah. Hence video dates like, work has been subbed after another moment. Oh, Apple sticker. That explains a lot. Which is not a great sketch. It's funny though. It's just asking who's like...

Your turn, you just run in, do something, run off. And look, if you'd agreed on catchphrases, you could have done Apple sticker like every episode. Apple sticker. I could have done Apple sticker on the Matterhorn, Apple sticker in the forest. Apple sticker, that explains a lot, could have been the end of every single show. T-shirts, key rings. Apple stickers, you could just sell Apple stickers. Sponsored by Apple companies. Yeah, yeah.

Do you get a lot of people bringing up Alan Partridge to you as well? Yeah. When you get the giggles in it, that's my favourite Sally Phillips, Alan Partridge moment is when you get the giggles. That was all I did. Yeah, yeah. I was quite young at the time, but I was really not because I was fake laughing and everyone just thought I was laughing at Steve. Yeah. Like being really unprofessional at work.

which now I don't mind but at the time I was like no I am acting yeah I gave myself a headache yeah so what's in this cocktail what what what sort of are we going booze I don't even need to know I mean I'm really happy for like homemade I mean this stuff we served at the Midsummer thing was lethal yeah it was bright colours

Flavour Fred's own alcohol. Apart from there's a lot of poisonings I read. By Flavour Fred? No, no, no, not by him. He knows what's poisonous, what isn't. It's called fake alcohol, but it's not fake. It is alcoholic. People brewing their own alcohol and making it out of different things. There's an increase in poisonings from fake alcohol. I follow a lot of Instagram accounts who make that sort of stuff. Who make wine out of Mountain Dew and stuff.

What? And do... Yeah. There's a mead guy. I follow a mead guy. Wow. What does he look like? You never see him. I love that. I love that. He makes loads of different meads. So it's alcohol from honey? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he'll make loads of different flavours and stuff and occasionally do like Mountain Dew or Dr Pepper. Yeah. I love the idea of having... Have you seen those beautiful copper gin like...

The stills. Yeah. What are they called? Gin stills, I think. Gin stills, yeah. I think you'd call them that, yeah. I mean, I can't hold my drink at all, but in this world I can. And in this world, as well as having a forest full of edible flowers and all the rest of it, I would have a whole cellar full of gin stills. This is beautiful, isn't it? Like a whole...

I'd just love to. Welcome to my house. We can have dinner. This is the... This is the gin room. This is the gin room. That would be great, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah. You should have a gin room. Everyone should have a gin room. Yeah. So in this cocktail, you don't want to know what's in it. You just want to drink it and... Yeah, I'd like it to be an entirely new alcohol made from a surprising non-poisonous ingredient that is delicious. And it's got glitter in it. Yeah, I'm just joking about the glitter. You know what? I was in

in duty free thinking coming back from Australia thinking what should I get for people and they had a lot of you know alcohols that change colour when you pour them and things like that and I looked at it and I thought oh that's great and I thought oh no that's not great that's shit I'm too old I'm too old for fun alcohol yeah

Yeah, serious alcohol time. It's a thing, isn't it? I've not heard of alcohol that changes colour when you pour it. Yeah, nor had I. Weird. And it had glitter in and all the rest of it. Awful. No, awful. I don't want any of that stuff. I want it to taste nice. I want it to taste nice, exactly. And also be a nice colour, to be honest. That matters to me. Sure. I remember Goldschlager used to come up quite a lot in my youth when I started drinking. Goldschlager? What's that? It's like... Lager with gold.

No, no, it's not lager. It's like a very strong spirit, but with flakes of gold in it. Yes, no, I remember that. I do remember that. I remember that from Superbad. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. The girl that he fancies wants him to get that vodka that has gold flakes in it. So it's very important that he gets that for the party. It's such a gross idea. It needs to be something that puts you in a good mood, though. I remember one of the drinks I most appreciated ever was...

was someone bringing a bottle of espresso martini to a PTA drinks. Completely transformed the evening. Yeah, I bet. Who was it who bought the... Was it a parent or a teacher? Yeah, parent. Got messy. PTA got messy. Yeah.

Is that like parents' evening where you have to go and speak to all the teachers individually? Yeah. Racing through those meetings. No, that was a PTA. It was like when the parent group and the teacher group, they talk about how the parents can help the school. Right. And raise money and do the reading with the five-year-olds and all of that. And you're just all completely off your head. Going, no, it's not our job, guys. Nick is on the roof. Yeah, yeah.

To remind you that 60% of sales on Amazon come from independent sellers, here's Tracy from Lilies of Charleston. Hi, y'all. We make barbecue sauce, hot sauce, and specialty popcorn. They get help from Amazon to grow their small business faster. They handle all our shipping and logistics, which is a big help. All on it up. Have a great day, Tracy. Hot stuff, Tracy. Ooh, honey. Shop small business on Amazon.

Oh my god, it's the coolest thing ever. Hey guys, have you heard of Gold Belly? Well, check this out. It's this amazing site where they ship the most iconic, famous foods from restaurants across the country anywhere nationwide. I've never found a more perfect gift than food. They ship Chicago deep dish pizza, New York bagels, Maine lobster rolls, and even Ina Garten's famous cakes. Seriously.

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Are we on the beach still? No. Are we crossing a river? Should we do Matterhorn then? Yeah, we're back up Matterhorn. We'll go back up the Matterhorn. As soon as you got rid of Matterhorn, I knew Matterhorn was coming back. Yeah, really cosy, open fire. Massive Heidi. Yeah, Heidi's back. There she is. Massive Heidi. She thought she was out of the picture. Yeah, and maybe hot chocolate fondant, but with

the mushrooms in because that was great that's nice with those truffles yeah so the inside bit maybe has the porcini mushrooms in it and then all around the outside of the plate there's wild strawberries oh yeah smollett love this have you foraged these

Yeah, okay. You're into flowering. Yeah, why not? Wild strawberries just make me feel guilty. I remember being a little kid and my mum took so long to, she was growing wild strawberries in the garden. It was very important to her. Yeah. It took ages. And you ate the whole lot? Yeah. That's so nice, aren't they? She got enough for a little bowl.

Toddler fruit. So it's a little, yeah, toddler fruit, but by a grown woman. And she put it in a little bowl. She put some of her natural yogurt that she liked on it. And she was like, today's the day I'm going to do it. Your poor mum. And everyone else had their, we had our own desserts. And she was like, I'm so excited for this. And she said to my dad, do you want to try some? She got a spoonful for herself, which is basically all of it. Yes. She went, do you want to try some? And he went, yep. And then she put the spoon to him. And as a joke,

He pretended like he was going to eat the whole spoon and then he just had a little one. And I was sitting there going, that would have been funny, Mr. Gant. Mr. Gant there.

And then she said to me, do you want some? I went, yep. And you ate the whole lot? The whole thing. And as soon as my lips closed around the spoon and I had all of them in my mouth, I remember looking up at her and seeing her face and realising... That was an error. This is the worst, but I now can't reverse this. You're a bad boy. Then just slid off of the spoon. All the strawberries. She was like, at the time... Did she cry? She listens to this podcast every week and she...

She knows that I know that she has since taken this back. But she said, that's the worst thing you've ever done. It was bad. Has she taken it back or have you done just much more worse stuff since? Oh yeah, I've topped it. But they do taste so great and they don't taste like strawberries. They taste like sweets. I can't even tell you what it tastes like. Because you just swallowed them all in one. Because I just felt so awful. You swallowed them like aspirin. As soon as I'd done it, I was like, oh my God. So you'll never be able to eat them and enjoy them? I'll never be able to eat them and enjoy them.

wild strawberries we grow we've grown them at home my partner's made wild strawberry ice cream oh wow it tastes like they taste like sherbet they taste like they taste not like toxic waste but they taste as good as something that's terrible for you your kids waste

They taste as good as something. They taste like sherbet. They're just absolutely delicious. I love how big toxic waste is in your household. I remember the first and only time I've had a toxic waste, I was driving back from a gig and I bought some because I was like, that's funny. It's like a radioactive drum. Got back in the car, 70 miles an hour on the motorway, popped a toxic waste in my mouth, nearly went into the Central Reservation. I was all like...

Screaming at the top of my lungs. That was your driver car, a toxic waste. No, it was crazy. Like the DeLorean all of a sudden.

Why are toxic wastes so big with the yeast? I think it's like a, you know, who can handle it? Yeah. The toxic waste fairy. It's like a machismo. Yeah, yeah. No, Ollie can't do that. Ollie can't do spicy and he can't do toxic waste. But he can do out-of-date chicken. Well, I like the sound of this dessert a lot. And it's like something you haven't had. You haven't had the actual fondant, chocolate fondant with the Portuguese mushrooms in it. No, I haven't, no. They were really, really good, these truffles. Yeah.

Ian made. Amazing. This will be a new experience for you, the fondant version of it. Heidi knocking around. Massive Heidi. Massive Heidi.

I think Peter the Goat Herd has been dead for a while. Oh, he's dead now? Yeah, yeah. He would have been alive if we'd had the main course there. Yeah, if we'd gone there when she first opened the restaurant. Yeah, yeah. R.I.P. R.I.P. Peter the Goat Herd, I guess. R.I.P. Peter the Goat Herd. Yeah. But still his recipe for cheese remains. He's got a recipe for cheese? Yeah. That's good. Goat's cheese with ash. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Would you like some goat's cheese and ash ice cream? No. Okay. No.

Have you had cheese ice cream? Yeah. Have you? Good. So what's that like? Delicious. So I obviously hear your adverts and I know how keen you are on cheese, the pair of you. But are you keen? Are we keen on cheese this month? Is that what we're keen on? We're keen on whatever pays us the most money. Yeah.

yeah yeah well quite right well we have our ethics we have our you know we don't say yes to anything yeah so toxic waste we're going to sponsor the budget we do toxic waste we do toxic waste yeah if toxic waste get in contact we're cutting that story about me nearly crushing my car yeah we'll cut that out and then I'll re-record it and say it helped me drive better yeah and get Ed got to his destination yeah yeah so much focus yeah and I drove at the speed limit it was fantastic I love toxic waste yeah

I'm going to read your menu back to you now, Sally. See how you feel about it. Okay. You want fizzy cucumber water served in the skull of a Japanese water demon. It was a strong start. Great start. You would like breads of the world. That's Peshawari naan, Mother's Pride, Swedish bread with citrus, hot cross bun. I find it so sad that in breads of the world, the British representation is Mother's Pride. Well, what should it be?

I don't know, but it's just funny to me that all the other breads are like these wonderful artisan delicious breads and then... But you could say tiger loaf. Could say tiger loaf? Could say tiger loaf. I mean, tiger loaf's appropriate in the skull of a Japanese water... Oh, no, that was the water, wasn't it? That's the water. I haven't said how the bread should be presented. Oh, yeah, yeah. How do you want them presented? You said basket. You did say basket. I did say basket. And a basket woven by my enemies. By your enemies. Oh, yeah.

Do you want me to name some of the enemies? I don't have any enemies, really. Nish? That I know of. No, I love Nish. He was a rival. He wasn't really a rival, was he? Because what's so brilliant about Nish was he completely failed in every single task. He didn't get any points. Did he get any points the whole series? I mean, there was such a big gap. He did, but he didn't deserve any of them.

And it was so great because I didn't know Nish and I only discovered afterwards that he was incredibly clever. It was this incredibly clever and quite political satirist. But when he's identified he can't do something, he will sabotage it as much as possible.

oh really yeah he was brilliant yeah yes oh yes one of the all time great awful taskmaster contestants your dream starter grilled lettuce with hay and edible flowers outdoors in the glade with the spider monkey on your shoulder playing the badger well it's it's

grilled over a hay not grilled but sort of over a hay fire yeah yes so I'm not eating the hay not eating the hay confusing I maybe I wasn't clear maybe no no you were I'm not a horse you're not a horse put that on the menu not a horse Sally's not a horse

Main course, you scrap the tagine and you would like a fire-cooked fresh fish, any fish, doesn't matter, on the beach. Yeah. Side dish, a bowl of toddler veg. Yeah, that'll do. Drink. They won't be near the beach, but it's fine. They can... Yeah, yeah. Toddlers might be near the beach. The drink you would like, was it a girly drink you said? Yeah. Big girl drink. Big...

Cocktail. Bucket of girl cocktail. In a bucket. We're going with a bucket like a sort of Thailand full moon party. Yeah, why not? And dessert, you want hot chocolate fondant with porcini mushrooms and wild strawberries. Yes. Heidi's Matterhorn. Heidi's Matterhorn house. Yeah, yeah. The Matterhorn house. Yeah. Big Heidi. Big old Heidi house. See, if this was Smack the Pony days, you could have done that and gone, let's do a catchphrase.

Big old Heidi's high house. Yeah, yeah. The high house on the Matterhorn. That would have been it. So much merch. So much merch. Heidi's got an Apple sticker on her forehead. She has. And she is the same shape as the Matterhorn. Yes, of course. Exactly the same shape. With a massive apron. Yeah.

That menu sounds absolutely delicious and it's probably things that I've not had before. Yeah, I haven't had a lot of that. And look, I'm glad. I was hoping that it would get out of control, go all over the place. Thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Sally. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you, Sally Phillips.

There we are. What a great episode with Sally. A fantastic episode. That menu took us all over the place. Yes. To mountains, to beaches. To mushrooms. Mushrooms in the woods. Thank you so much, Sally, for coming on. And Sally's series, Austin, is on BBC One from Friday the 4th of April at 9.30pm with all episodes available on BBC Apple. And also, thank you, Sally, for not saying pony and not putting pony on your menu. Yes, thank you. So we didn't have to kick you out. Yes, even though I had loads of jokes lined up. Yeah.

Yeah, what were you going to do? Horse meat scandal jokes? Yeah, yeah. I remember that from the horse meat scandal. It's a, you know... Funny time! Simpler times. Simpler times. Since then, you know, the news has been a lot darker than just that we didn't know we were eating horse. And we thought that was dark then. We thought that was pretty dark. That's the biggest thing that happened, man. That's horse meat and stuff. That was the biggest thing since World War II. The horse meat scandal. Never forget!

Never forgive. Never forget, never forgive the people who did it. The supermarkets. The jockeys. The jockeys. The horse whisperers. Everyone who was involved in that. But he wants us to wrap it up. So, you know.

For the listener who wants to carry on riffing on that, bad luck. Benito said stop. None of it's going to be in. Also, tickets are on sale today for Off Menu live at the Royal Albert Hall. We're doing tasting menus live where we get a fan favourite back and we give them the menu of a previous fan favourite. That's double fan favourites for you. So you get tickets now at offmenupodcast.co.uk. Thank you very much for listening. We'll see you next week. Goodbye. Bye.

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