Ep 293: Stacey Dooley
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Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, smashing up the meringue of conversation, mixing it with the whipped cream of humour and adding the strawberries of friendship, James. Eat and mess.

You've definitely done a mess before. Yeah, I probably have. You always tell me it doesn't matter if I've done it before. That is a gamble. My name is James Acaster. 300 goddamn episodes. Together we own a dream restaurant. And every single week... Total albatross, this whole thing. We invite in a guest and we ask them their favour ever. You just say the same thing every episode. Start a main course, dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is... Stacey Dooley! Stacey Dooley, a wonderful broadcaster, James. Broadcaster, author as well, writer. Author, author.

Brausasa? Oh, yeah. Now I'm making fun of the way I say broadcaster. You didn't even say it. You went brausasa. Yeah, yeah. What do you do? Eat a mess again, mate. At least, you know, I'm having to come up with something new every time. And yeah, sure, maybe I've done eat a mess before, but I barely remember what I've done yesterday. So don't put that on me. And you've said in the past, doesn't matter. Just do...

because I panic about it and you're like just do what you've done before it doesn't matter and then you cut you're not even saying broadcaster properly listeners I've touched a nerve

Stacey Dooley has her book. I'm one giant nerve, mate. Of course you've touched a nerve. Dear Minnie is out now. Stacey Dooley's new book. Sorry, yes. Conversations with Remarkable Mothers. Remarkable. Remarkable. Mother. Remarkable Mother. Very excited to talk about that and learn more about that book. Yes. And also find out Stacey Dooley's dream menu, James. Yes. However, if Stacey Dooley says the secret ingredient, which we have deemed to be unacceptable, we will have to kick her out of the dream list. Leave all that in, Benito.

Because I want people to know that this guy's coming for me. And he can't even say the things that he says every week properly. Yeah, I can't. You say the same thing every week. No, I don't. You always say eat a mess. I always say eat a mess. You don't always say eat a mess with lasagna now and again. Done that more than once, definitely. I've got one hot leg today. Is that normal?

No, you're having a stroke or something? Top of my right leg. Yeah. Feels hot. Really hot. Well, it feels hot in me. When you say today, is that the same thing as all day? All day, you have one hot leg? That's bad. Yeah. Yeah, maybe Google that, Benito. What is it, Benito? Blood clots, poor circulation or skin infections. It's not circulation. It's not skin infection. So, blood clot. Blood clot.

This week, the secret ingredient is mini cheddars. Mini cheddars. Mini cheddars. The book is called Dear Mini, so we've gone with mini cheddars. Yeah. Benito would like it as a point of record that he is a ched head. Yeah, I'm a ched head as well. I love mini cheddars. Yeah, you two are both ched heads. Benito's saying oh no and putting his head in his hands. Is he checking Ed's symptoms again?

Benito's very tired of producing this podcast. Yeah, but he can't afford to quit. So he's trapped in it. But he's not happy about it. He's not happy. Well, listen, it's time to smash up the meringue of humour and stir in the cream of friendship and in the strawberries of comedy. Humour and comedy? I wouldn't do that. Huh? You've already said humour.

This is the off-menu menu of Stacey Dooley. Welcome, Stacey, to the Dream Restaurant. Very exciting. Welcome, Stacey Dooley, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been waiting for some time. James, that's the energy I was after. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm actually made up. I'm slightly put out that it's taken this long to get on this pod. Really? You've been trying for ages, have you? I've been trying for such a long, long time. Begging them. Begging them. Calling every morning. That's true.

Well, I don't get food to us, Stacey. I think it made it to Benito's inbox. Benito is the gatekeeper. Yeah, no, sure. Well, I'm here. Thank you ever so much for having me. Sorry about that. We'll have a word with him afterwards. Sometimes he can be a little bit tricksy. Well, it's not slowness. He's devious. It's malice. Yeah, it's malice. It is malice. And if it was his way, the only people we'd have on are rollercoaster designers. Yeah.

Oh, fine. Yeah, I don't know a huge amount about the design of roller coasters. We'll need the Dewey. We'll need the Dewey because we don't talk to him. We refuse to interview them. We will never know. He loves them. He's always like, come on, this guy did the first big dip. Yeah.

now let's talk about your new book dear mini dear mini this is it we were waiting for the release of dear mini until we had you on that must be that must be what happens yeah yeah yeah yeah I know it sort of does what it says on the book it's not um do you know what it's like when they're sort of back and forth and you're flirting with the idea of a third book you're like what are we

going to write about you know and then the obvious topic to try and unpick was was motherhood parenthoods um but it's such an oversaturated market in it you know I mean it's like there's thousands of books talking about parenthood so and I didn't want it to be too earnest and I actually don't have any of the answers so I thought well is there a Wales where we just ask other mums what they're doing yeah

But they were a delight actually. So the premise is like really straightforward. It's loads of letters from mums all over the UK and they write a letter to their kids. And I'm delighted actually. I'm thrilled with the... I think that's good as well because especially with something like parenthood, if one person is saying, here's how you do it and this is my advice, everyone goes, well, who are you to tell me that? You know, I've got my own things going on. So it's

It's good, you know, you're getting opinions from everywhere. And I think if it had been sort of focused solely on my experience, it wouldn't have been like massively representative. Do you know what I mean? I'm so mindful. Like my pregnancy was, you know, relatively straightforward. I fell pregnant.

You know, there was no real issues there. My birth was sort of fine. So I thought, actually, that's so not the case for so many mums. Of course, yeah. Circumstances are different, etc. So, yeah, I'm just a lot, I'm really made up that the mums agreed to contact me.

to contribute. It's a nice little read. And dear Minnie, not Minnie Mouse. Not Minnie Mouse. Because I think that's why Benito's agreed for you to come on because he loves Disneyland. Sorry. Minnie Dooley, my daughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's, I'm completely, do you know what I never thought? Minnie Dooley, what a great name. Yeah, it's a good name. And I never thought I'd be like this. I never thought like, I was never hugely maternal. You know, some women, it's a sort of non-negotiable. But the minute she came on the scene, I'm just so,

just so so starry-eyed it's like the best best part of my life is is being a mum I love came on the scene for a kid as well yeah yeah it's so tweaked to even say that like it's the best part of my life she's really wicked that's good that is that's good so people know they're going into this book and they're going to read a little bit about how excited you are to be a mum it's not she turns up she's an absolute pain yeah yeah although it was funny right it's like I never thought

I didn't think like I would be that mum where all she does is talk about being a mum. But actually, here we are. Yeah. That is what I've become. Unfortunately, I'm ever so sorry. I think it's the best way around to be though, Stacey. I know nothing about roller coasters, but everything about two year olds. When she grows up, we need to learn a few more about roller coasters. That's absolutely right. Minnie Dooley is going to jump on all those roller coasters. I know. Do you know, we took her to Disney before Christmas and...

obviously Minnie Mouse was the big event and they come round when you're having breakfast or whatever, the characters. And Minnie just could not believe that she was stood opposite Minnie Mouse. She just could not believe it. And it was actually beautiful seeing all the kids or whatever, like so made up. When I've been to Disney, it's been me and my girlfriend and we haven't had kids with us. Fine.

the most uncomfortable part of the day for me is when those characters get involved I know what you mean and come over you weren't at the breakfast though were you you didn't do the character breakfast my partner went to the breakfast not knowing it was character breakfast in our hotel she was like do you want to come to breakfast I was like no I'm knackered I'm staying in bed she comes back up she's like it was a character one and I've got my photo with Mickey and everything and

And I'll be you on your own at character breakfast. It is interesting adults going to Disney without children. Yeah. But I know it's a massive market for it. It's fun. Don't come for the Disney adults. The actual theme park's great. It's the characters that I'm just like,

when they come up to you I'm like mate come on it's just not for you I know that you're a grown adult in that suit please go away it just makes me too uncomfortable I love it I sort of get that to know you're in there yeah waiting for a ciggy break half the time aren't they yeah I was like I don't want to interrupt you and be like oh hi how's it going that was

That was me. I was so lame. So the parade's all kicking off and everyone stood there. But how cringe. I called Pluto goofy. I got Pluto and Goofy muddled up. So I'm screaming, Pluto, Pluto. Kev went, that's Goofy. I was like, oh, I'm so out of the loop.

Yeah, that doesn't make you look good. No, Vivian Cole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Disneyland Paris is the best one to see characters who've clearly been on a ciggy break. Sure. We went to Disneyland Paris and there was Jack Skellington. Am I saying that right? Yeah. Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas. Oh, fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was great. And he was like meeting everyone, like massive energy.

And then he's just waved and walked off like someone shepherded him off. And I was like, oh no, I wanted to meet Jack Skellington. Ten minutes later, someone else comes back out in the costume and they were like, just, they couldn't have given a fuck. No. They were like, what has happened? It looked like something really awful had happened to Jack Skellington halfway through. He just came out and was like, yeah, alright. Three minutes that he disappeared. Yeah, yeah. There you go. I like meeting the characters. I'm always excited to meet Donald.

So who'd you go with? My wife. Yeah, just you two? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She likes all that. Yeah. It's like a big retro thing for her. Sure. It's like pure nostalgia. Yeah. And, you know, I'm happy to say I was excited to meet Donald. I think Minnie is the nicest name from the Disney universe to name a child. Minnie Dooley is a great, great name.

Yeah. Or Donald. Yeah. Well, not anymore. Certainly not. No. He's ruined it for everyone. Certainly not. Not ruined. Surely the duck is not going to change his name. The duck won't have to change his name. I don't trust that duck anymore.

Are you a foodie, Stacey? Well, I love eating. I love, love, love going to restaurants, but I'm not massively in the know. So I wouldn't be able to sit here and tell you about certain cuts of prosciutto. I mean, that's not my scene particularly, but I do love a bougie restaurant.

I think that still qualifies as a foodie. Yeah, I think so. Yeah? I think so. Okay. We very rarely get into the weeds of different cuts. Well, that's perfect. That's good news. Fine. I can just tell you what I like to eat, if that's interesting. You got yourself a deal. Welcome to the podcast. You got yourself a deal, Stacey Dooley. Yay!

Foodie Dooley. Foodie Dooley. I'm not massively fussy. I'll sort of eat anything apart from pigeon. Why? Why is pigeon the one? I like we're ruling out stuff at the top of the episode. That's good. I mean, I will eat pretty much anything. I will try pretty much anything, but I'm just have a bit of a phobia of pigeons and I know it's not the pigeon that

that you see, you know, in South East London flying around. I know it's like a kind of country wood living kitchen. Yes, they're not the ones like with fucked up feet in Javaga Square. No, that's what I'm thinking with like two toes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but still it's just not my thing. That's their piss that does that. Sorry? That's their piss that does that to their feet. Did you know that? No. They've got very acidic urine and it burns their own feet away. Ed. Yeah, that's true. It's all right, you're not having pigeons, so...

I didn't know that. Wow. Google that. I'll catch up. I just need to go for a piss. Hold on. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I've now got one time left. Jeez, wow. That is interesting. Yeah. If it's real, I don't know, you know. That's their piss that does that. You're not sure, are you? He's not sure. Benito's kind of shaking his head. He doesn't seem to... I'm not lying. I heard that. And, you know, in the modern world, you don't know what's real and what's not, right? So I prefer to take everything as fact and repeat it as such. That's generally what's happening in play, isn't it? That helps.

We always start with still the sparkling water. Always sparkling for me. Always? I don't really mess with still water, which is why I'm dehydrated so much of the time. I exclusively drink sparkling water and builder's tea with a dash of oat milk. Sparkling always. I think if there's a dash of oat milk in there, it ain't builder's. Yeah, I know what you mean. What builder is asking for a dash of oat milk? Modern builder's, come on. I don't.

vegan builders out there I'm sure no I never met a vegan builder sometimes I do feel sort of slightly annoyed in myself when I'm sort of you know I'm in a place where there's obviously not a carton of oatly and I'm like have you got any oat milk I think I'll shut up do you know when I last did that Millwall in the Millwall cafe

Imagine. The football ground? Yeah. I lived in Broccoli and I was, we were near Millwall, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, we were having a curry there and I said, oh, can I have a cup of tea? Yeah. I said, have you got any oat milk? She went, no. No. Which is totally, totally fair enough. Yeah. So I just had a black tea. Surely Millwall needs to get some oat milk in. Millwall? Yeah. No way, mate. Should be modernising. No way. You're lucky that Millwall Football Club is currently as civil as it is. Yeah.

You're lucky, man. They're going to get oat milk. Am I right, Stacey? Well, last time I was there, I wasn't able to get a cup of tea with oat milk, which is obviously completely outrageous. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm actually completely addicted to tea. It's sort of ridiculous. There have been a couple of occasions where I've had to try and wean myself off. And I've been like an addict, like...

coming off, like headaches, like throwing up. Throwing up? Yeah, legit. Like that's embarrassing actually. Why did you feel like you needed to wean yourself off the tea? Well, when I was pregnant, I was trying to drink less caffeine. I'd sort of have a cup a day or whatever and that was like the big treat. And then there have been other occasions where, for example, I did a series with a Mormon family in Manchester and it

hot caffeine was like a big no-no in their household. Hot caffeine? Yeah, so you're allowed cold caffeine but not hot caffeine. Like Diet Cokes and stuff? That's fine. Red Bull? I think that's fine. Wow. So if you're a Mormon, you can have a Red Bull but not a Twinings. I think that, yeah, I mean, that was what I was told with this family. So I thought that's totally fair enough. So I hadn't had a tea for like 24 hours and my head was like a drum.

I said to my boss Alice my director I was like I actually can't think straight so I had to leave the premises the runner lover I had to bring me like a flask of hot tea and I downed it at the bottom of the drive before you went and spoke to the Mormons and then I was like back in the room I think I would have just got a headache from talking to Mormons for a day that's the level of addiction I'm at James without wanting to but wanting to be rude to any Mormons listen I

No hot caffeine. I didn't know that was a rule. Yeah. I get oat milk offered to me all the time now because I've stopped having caffeine and I go and I order decaf. I got into decaf. Why did you stop? Why did you stop on the caffeine? It would make me too anxious. Fine. I love coffee. Yeah. I love it.

But I was noticing, I was like, come on, man, you're just stressed out all the time for nothing. Rattling, yeah. So let's try and not do caffeine and see if that makes a difference. It does, gutted. Yeah, that was it. That means we've got to carry on now. But I started to get into decaf and actually, you know, it'd been long enough since I had caffeine. Like, this kind of tastes like regular caffeinated coffee, you know? Well, you love it. But every time I order a decaf, they assume I want oat milk.

And they just assume they just did this. They just said, they'll just say it. So I just say, I'd like a decaf flat white. And they go, cool. Decaf flat white, oat milk. And I'm like, no, didn't say oat milk. And first time I was like, whatever. Every time it's happening, every,

Every time they're assuming... You do have an oat milk vibe. Especially when I say the decaf thing. Before they wouldn't assume it when I just said normal coffee. Yeah. But now I'm saying decaf, they're like, we assume that you're a wimper across the board. Do you know what, James? We all have our crosses to bear. Yeah. And I'm really sorry that they've put that on you. Thank you. Also, in London, I'd be interested to know the stats. I think oat milk is probably more popular than cow's milk now. I think you're totally, totally right. Apart from Millwall, of course. Apart from Millwall Calf. Yeah. I feel like you get a decaf in...

I think you might struggle actually. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe just bring your own bags. That's what I do when I'm going to America. That's when I'm going to America, I just take my own tea bags because for whatever reason, it don't matter where you are, what state, they cannot make a cup tea. The water's just, I say make the water, it's got to be boiling. Yeah, yeah. It just falls on deaf ears. Oh, damn.

So we're all struggling. Pop-Dom's all bread! Pop-Dom's all bread, Stacey Dooley! Pop-Dom's all bread! Pop-Dom's all bread. What bread are we talking? Up to you. This is your dream meal, whatever bread you like. I mean, I love fries.

look at me I love focaccia but I actually do love focaccia I love brown toast what do you mean look at me um focaccia um I love it's like Lani Darvi it is you just released your third book yeah no you're right actually and I haven't ate white bread in about 15 years um but

Brown toast, focaccia, sourdough, my starter. We're not there yet. No spoilers. But it kind of bleeds into... Okay, let's bleed in. Okay, fine. Just quickly before you bleed in. Oh, sure. Focaccia now always reminds me of the band Cleopatra. Because it rhymes. Cleopatra coming at you. Yeah. Do you remember that song? Then I think Cleopatra coming at you, focaccia.

Cleopatra, coming at you. Cleopatra, get a pen and paper, write down our name. See, pen and paper doesn't work for me. It should be for capture. Get a pen and paper, write down our name. Was that the next line? Yeah, get a pen and paper, write down our name.

You will realise our aim is the same as the others. We all have that dream to make it to the top. Word perfect. That's a Cleopatra coming at you song. Do you remember? I love that song. All I remember is Cleopatra coming at you. Yeah, I remember Cleopatra coming at you. Oh no, I know the whole song. But I didn't remember Get a Pen and Paper, which is an awful rhyme. And...

Focaccia is a much better rhyme. It wasn't that big back then. Focaccia wasn't a thing when Cleopatra... Yeah, I guess so. They could have done with you, Ed. Yeah, they should have got me in to write some lyrics. So you've got to write their pen and paper, write their name down, and then you realise that your aim is the same. Yeah. We all have that dream to take it to the top. And when we do, we know we're never gonna stop. LAUGHTER

They did though, quite quickly. That's like locked in my, I haven't heard that song. It's not on my Spotify list, but it's obviously there somewhere. It's big. It's a big memory. I did love it. Can you remember the lyrics to Sailor V by Bewitched? Yeah, obviously. You can just say them straight away. Say you will, say you won't, say you'll do what I don't, say your truth under me.

Not as clear on that one, actually. I think it is. Say your true, say to me, say lovey. Say lovey. Do, do, do, do.

Double denim, obviously, for everyone involved. Sometimes she farts like her dad, of course. She does that at the beginning. People say I look like my dad is the intro. It's her saying people say I look like my dad. And then later on, she goes, I fart like my dad as well. Farts like her dad? Yeah. I thought you said fart. I thought you said she farts like her dad. She doesn't fart like her dad. She farts like her dad. She's bewitched, Ed. They didn't really

didn't really give that energy to me no she says it she said she fights like her dad wow i've heard it and it is but her dad might not fight fine we have to remember that her dad might not be a violent peaceful man yeah i fought like my dad as well aka nothing nothing yeah yeah no confrontation whatsoever actually just doing my part as a pacifist so what do you want for your dream meal what sort of bread do you want cleopatra coming and this is this is gonna emerge it's gonna bleed into the it's gonna bleed it's gonna bleed i've just spilt water like

Still water. Still water, yeah. It won't even stay in your mouth. That's how much you hate it. It's just so gross.

So what's my dream meal? Yeah, yeah. The starter. Not the whole meal, Stacey. Step by step. Let's do the bread course. We need to drag the hour out, don't we? It's up to you. Dan Aykroyd did it all at once, but you can take a step by step. Sorry, James, I'm playing footsie with you. My starter. He's never played footsie with me during the episodes before. He just played footsie with me. He's put his foot...

Very, very daintily on top of mine. Yeah. And then just moved it around a little bit. Well, because your foot's not normally there. I thought it was part of the table. I thought it was part of the table. Oh, there you go. I'd known it was your foot. My starters is anchovies on toast. Right. Lovely. This is the bleeding. Yeah. Of course. On toast. Yeah, yeah. On toast. Specifically, this is how middle class I am now. I love anchovies on toast from Denmark.

love this Copenhagen incredible to be precise I've just got back from there stop yeah like here I will not you will not stop until you make it to the top where did you stay where did you go oh I don't know exactly where we stayed we were sitting in an Airbnb in the centre love going to Bertel Salon on getting the cheesecake every time yes love the cheesecake there love going to the De Sanchez place there's the tacos yeah De Sanchez thank you Ed

Went to Noma. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Felt very lucky to do that. Yeah, because that's really tricky to get into, isn't it? Yeah. Is that, that's like the garden, not the garden shed, but the greenhouse. We got all the greenhouses and stuff there. Yeah, did all the bakeries and stuff, did a sausage roll crawl. Perfect. Very gel. As in he went and got loads of sausage rolls, that's not a sort of, that's not how he got around Copenhagen. No. A certain type of crawl. No, fine. Or a roll. Yeah.

But yeah, no, I really, really love anchovies on toast. Whenever I'm in Copenhagen, that is always like...

my go-to is there a specific place that does them that you like everywhere I've been they just get it so right I wonder if that's one of their dishes I don't know I'm so feels like it could be like Scandinavian yeah doesn't it if a lot of places do them in Copenhagen it probably is because yeah it's not like it's on every menu it's just so perfect it's the

it's the perfect perfect starter do you know what I mean and if I'm not starving I will just order that twice my little girl can have a bit there's no fuss there's mini dooly can have a bit the full name I'm obsessed with you saying the full name because it sounds so great um

So yeah, that's my starters for sure. So when it comes, when it comes and you get it in a restaurant, is it like a big bit of toast with anchovies on top or are they like mini bits of toast? You know what they're like? They're so like, everything is so chic. Everything is so like aesthetically pleasing. Even the way they like cut it into like, you know, four fingers. Yeah.

Pathetic. They cut it into like just four chic fingers. Yes. Four chic fingers. I love how you're like, this is how middle class I am now. I'm having this. There's four fingers. Yeah.

Whenever I see some sort of variation of anchovies on toast on any London menu as well, I'm getting that. There's something like brat, the bread at brat with the anchovies on top. I've not been there, actually. So good. If you like anchovies on toast... Then I must. You've got to go. Okay, fine. Okay, maybe that can be my treat because it's my birthday next week, actually. Is it? Happy birthday. Yeah, thank you, 38. Imagine. I can, I can. You are 38. I simply am, yeah. You simply are 38. Forget it. Ed's so young. But I'm...

I'm 39 in like two weeks.

When's your birthday? March 10th. Stop. Mine's March 9th. There you go. We could go to Brat together. We'll go to Brat together. Okay, fine. Wow. We're going for an anchovy birthday. Would you like to come, James? No. No. James can't come. They might not have decaf tea, actually, yeah. I can't guarantee they'll be decaf tea there. No, no, no. It's not your place. I've been cracking it up with my old man vibes. It's not your scene. This is for people in their late 30s, James. Yeah. Those days are gone for me. Um,

But anchovies, I mean, I don't like it when they're a bit hairy and they've got little bones hanging out. Do you know what I mean? I like the luxurious, like, thick, long anchovies. I know what you mean about the... I mean, yeah, it's not hair, is it? It is bones. Oh, fine. Well, that's what... I assume that they're not hairy, are they? Like, it's very thin bones. Yeah, no such thing as a hairy fish. I don't want to... Yeah, mate. I don't want to step on any other podcast toes here. No, maybe they are just fine, fine.

fine bones. Yeah. But I don't like the skinny little, you know, pathetic ones. I like the big chunky ones. In fact, in M&S, they've got these anchovies that they sell in this red packaging and they're like seven quid a pack. But they're so, so great. Do you make your own anchovies on toast at home? Every now and then, but it's always a real disappointment. Not really. What do you think you're getting wrong? Just, I'm not Danish. You're putting the toast on the anchovies? Yeah,

Yeah, it's not the same. It's just not the same experience for me. Really? Yeah. Also, I'm a really dud. I can't cook. But it's toast. That's not a cooking station. I know, James, you would think that, but I'm completely incapable. Really? Yeah, useless, actually. Pathetic. Tragic. Just a joke, actually. What did you get wrong with toast?

I mean, what I don't like, I don't like when it's floppy. Do you know, when it's barely done, it makes me gag. I'm like, get out of here. It needs to be so close to being burnt. But not burnt. But not burnt. Yeah, yeah. Okay. It's a small window. Yeah, it's a very small window. Yeah, it's a small window. Yeah, and then maybe I'm not using the right butter. I don't know, but it's never Danish standards. Are you using a toaster or a grill when you're toasting the toast? Toaster. So, yeah, that's even harder to get it. Are there exact things? You can't see it.

I can't see it James you've got it under the grill and you're going for it almost burnt but not burnt maybe you've got a chance of that I've got time to whip it out yeah but in the toaster you're just thinking I estimate I think it's about no it's a guessing game I also think doing it under the grill with a bit of olive oil on the bread before you put it under okay would probably make it feel a bit more luxurious Marco Pierre White fine okay yeah it's a reference for a chef

Huh? No. Okay, I'll try that. So that might work. Okay. But yeah, or a see-through toaster. Those are my only two options. A see-through toaster. Do they exist? Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. Do they really? This guy thought that piss shreds your feet off earlier. Yeah, I'm not listening to any, yeah, I don't believe anything that goes on. You just take a normal toaster and you piss on it and it goes see-through. And earlier thought people could piss their feet off. How did you know?

How did you say people? Pigeons, man. I don't think we can trust him on this. Did you say people can piss their feet off? You did. You said, you better be careful you can piss your feet off. That's a delicious starter, I think. Yeah. That's really good. And you could have had it as the bread course and picked something else as the starter, but we don't want to get stuck in loop. You could have done a hack. Yeah, no, you're right. But you said it's the perfect starter. Yeah, it really is the perfect, perfect starter. You can have it as bread as well. Yeah.

You have both. You have double, basically. Double portion. We'll bring you over some anchovies on toast as your bread course. And then starter comes along. It's more anchovies. Great. Now, that would be great, actually, because as I told you, you know, a double serving, I wouldn't be entirely against. Yeah. I much prefer starters to a dessert. Mmm.

Ah, yes. Here we go. Excellent. Okay. Oh, dear. James, you just need... This is how people as young as me and Stacey feel. Yeah. I didn't know that the younger generation... Listen to the youth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kids are into starters over deserts. I know Generation World War I or whatever the fuck you are.

People who had to go through rationing love a dessert because it's exciting. Yes, a little treat. Felt like such a treat at the end. Yeah, the jerrys can't find you if you put it. But we're Gen Z. We like starters. We're loosely Gen Z. Stacey, we're Gen Z. Well, I'm not going to lie.

You've offended me, Stacey. Oh, shit. I'm not happy to hear that you prefer starters to desserts at all. Big on desserts, really. Yeah, because it's what makes life worth living. I think when you're about to die, you won't be glad to have more starters than desserts. I think you'll think, why don't I eat more puddings? James is about to die. I'm not massively into cake, yeah. We're all about to die, Ed. Not you guys. You split chickens. You've got your whole life ahead of you.

it's going to be hard for me to continue through this episode talking to me he's now worried about what you're going to say later so we're heading towards a disappointing finale sure no that is fair enough keep it under your hat yeah yeah okay well let's sort of drag this out another sort of half an hour or so yeah we'll drag it out yeah we'll drag it out for sure I was going to say like

If for your menu, you've got a bunch of different mums that you know to write your menu for you and what their courses would be. Maybe that could be the next book. We'd collaborate. Yes, we could. Yeah. Yeah. Dear menu. Dear menu. Yeah. There you go. Or let's work on that. Off mini. Off mini. Off mini. This is perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's keep talking. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Right now in terms of like doing the podcast. Let's finish this part. You decided to carry on the podcast. Okay, let's keep talking. Let's drag it out for 40 minutes. Okay, I'm going to stay. Okay, I'm going to stay.

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Your dream main course. My dream main course, two options because you never know what's available. Okay, well, it's your dream menu. So anything. You do know what's available. Say both of them and then we will make you choose. Okay. But I want to hear both. Well, they're both pasta. The first one is puttanesca. You can't believe that accent, can you? No. Perfectly pronounced. Yeah, it was. Puttanesca. And the second one is

cacio e pepe yeah yeah I know these aren't massively like oh that's so unexpected but I just love pasta so so so very much you know what I mean like you can't really go wrong I don't even mind it when it's al dente you know when it's a bit hard I can sort of deal with that it's easy it's perfect what shape of pasta if this is your obviously your dream your dream meal so you can either have a pre-existing shape of pasta or you can invent your own oh I could invent my own um

I've never given someone that option before. It's so exciting. For the puttanesca, I would have penne. Thick penne. Not the skinny little, you know. I like it when it's fresh pasta as well. Yeah. So, like, the thick tubes. A rigatoni? Oh, is that what that is? That's a thick tube format. Oh, yeah.

Oh, fine. How big are we talking, these tubes? Thick, like a cylinder, you know? How much of a cylinder, though? Because then we're entering cannelloni territory. I don't think cannelloni. No. I think it's half penne, half... Can you pronounce it?

pronounce it please rigatoni rigatoni half of each kind of somewhere in between the two okay not some penne some rigatoni because then you're going to have an issue with the penne hiding in the rigatoni yeah I'm a busy busy lady you can't be I can't be digging around for penne can I yeah exactly in my rigatoni so that kind of shape okay I'm not fussed I'm not arsed just loosely that kind of shape but

Anchovies. Yes, of course, there's anchovies in the Budanesco as well. Capers. Yeah. I just, yeah, I could eat three bowls of that and I'd still have room for more. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, and I've got a big, big appetite. Yeah? Yeah, like I just love to eat. Pudineska is up there with the sauces for me as well. Yeah. The kick. A bit of a kick. Salt. Yeah, I just love salt so very much. My little girl who's two. Minnie Dooley. Minnie Dooley will not stop eating capers. Really? Interesting. She loves anchovies for obvious reasons. Yeah.

Well, even that's quite impressive for a two-year-old. I guess two-year-olds can. That's not that uncommon, I guess. Yeah. But capers. She loves capers. Last night, this is no top-up. I'm not saying this for like, ooh, something interesting to say.

I mean, fine if you are. You're waiting, aren't you, James? That's alright. Just so you know, it's fine. If you are just saying something because it's interesting to say, you're allowed to. This is appropriate. Please do, actually.

But I have to line up individually capers, about five or ten capers, line them up. And then if she has a mouth of salmon or a bit of broccoli, she can have a caper. Wow. So they're like the treat. It's like finish the rest of your dinner and then you can have one caper. Yeah. Like the M&M's. She's probably going to be poorly with the salt overdose, but she just loves capers. She's having her veggies as well and some fish. Well, this is it. Anchovies, capers and olives. When did she first have a caper?

Yeah, when did she first ever cope with that? Was there a Putin-esque knocking about? Did she ask for a mouthful?

I mean, when did she start... She's just got such a salty tooth like me. She's got such a salty tooth, which I probably shouldn't... A salty tooth. I shouldn't bring courage. It doesn't sound as nice as a sweet tooth, does it? Yeah. Not if you're James. It sounds like the name of a pirate. Yeah, yeah. It does. Salty tooth. I think because they're always in the house or whatever, she's just massively into them. That's really good. So I'm worried now that Minnie Dooley's going to grow up and prefer starters to desserts. I think she probably might. Yeah, that's a shame. Although when she was with her nan...

you know she'll have fucking seven biscuits and a pepper pig lolly and do you know what I mean it doesn't matter how many times I say can we not give the baby a load of shit yeah she'll come home and have digestive biscuits all over her mouth well she's desperate for salty stuff then I'd imagine well yeah she's been eating so much sweet stuff so as you can hear her diet is perfectly balanced yeah

she's going to go out the picture of hell she's got everything yeah whose mum is the nan my mum so she's our nanny actually so if I'm working in Kev's away working my mum will have the baby and them two are thick as thieves you know what I mean they're like so in love with one another it's all nanny nanny yeah they're tight

Because she's feeling that the biscuits are good stuff. Yeah, she's not daft. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I bet her nan tells everyone, like, she's got to speak to her. Yeah, and do you know, and the thing is as well, it's like I sort of, it's like I don't want to be that like rigid, boring, strict mum, but also we cannot give her five digestive biscuits every day, can we? No. No, we just can't. No, not.

So actually, I'm about to lay down the law. Yeah, at least give her a more exciting biscuit. Yeah, yeah. Give her five digestives a day, like she's in Oliver Twist. My mum needs to start listening to me. I'm in charge. Yeah, exactly. That's that. The capers. Give her a big old jar of capers, please, mum. Next book. Next book. People writing letters to their mums. Yes. Listen, bitch, I'm in charge. Yeah.

Times have changed. The tables have turned. Dear Nanny. And you must listen to me, dear Nanny. Dear Nanny, fuck your fucking idea. Looking after that kid is a privilege and it can be taken away from you at any second. Could threaten her, yeah. Threaten to take her only granddaughter away from her, out of her life entirely. Here's a tin of anchovies. I'll see you on Tuesday.

And the cacio e pepe? Yeah. Spaghetti? Yeah, I think so. How many bowls of that could you eat? Easy three. So we're no closer to deciding between the two of them. The problem is they do balance each other out so well because the cacio e pepe, very rich. It's got that creamy feel to it. Butter. And then, yes, so much butter. And then the puttanesca is like, it cuts through everything. I don't know how you're feeling about a pasta platter, James. Yeah.

Oh, I'll be open to a pasta platter. Do you love pasta, James? Yeah, I ate a lot of chorizo broccoli pasta during the lockdowns. To be honest, since the lockdowns have lifted, I haven't gone near pasta that much. Because I was having it, you know, five nights a week minimum. That's a lot, yeah. I was so into this chorizo broccoli pasta. It was so easy to make.

I felt every single bowl of it was delicious. I never got bored of it until as soon as there was no longer lockdowns and restrictions and people were calming down about COVID. Suddenly, I was like, I don't really want to eat that anymore. You're over it. Yeah. My girlfriend's still knocking it, but she had a chip on last night. I was like, you have got to get yourself out of lockdown. Yes.

We're 2025 now, babes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think I've ever made pasta at home and felt good afterwards. Stop. So it's either too much pasta, so I've just sat there on the sofa being like, why have I done this to myself? Gone too far. Or when I go back to make pasta, I'm like, remember what happened last time, Ed? You felt awful after that. And then you make what the normal portion's supposed to be, and then I'm starving afterwards. Too small, yeah. It's about eight bits of pasta. Yeah, that's not enough. Goldilocks over here. That's not enough.

I'm goldilocks. I'm Italian goldilocks. You are, actually. I hate it when they sort of, you know, suggest portion sizes. I think, what kind of hell is this? It's like when you buy a pie, you know what I mean? Like just a supermarket pie and they're like, should feed four. Like, I'm like, I could eat that whole pie. No hassle. Yeah. If you just sell a smaller pie, if that's what you're trying to do to people. Correct. I want a supermarket pie now. I love supermarket pies. Yeah. Steak.

Steak and ale. I don't like steak and kidney. Just steak and ale. What have you got against steak and kidney? I'm guessing it's the kidney. I think it's the kidney. Judging by what's in... It's not a steak, is it? What's the key difference? Steak and ale.

was getting through the door so you've got to assume steak and kidney has been denied for a reason that would be the weirdest thing I ever said on this podcast if you said love steak and ale hate steak and kidney can't stand steak yeah don't like steak it's the pastry I don't like I actually don't know all the brilliant pie shops so I need to because you guys are foodies you need to

You need to point me in the right direction. Like traditional pie shops? Well, I like the idea of the traditional pie shops. I used to go to that one in Peckham. What's it called? Is it a Manza's? It's Manza's. Yeah, where they do the liquor. Yeah, yeah. The girls in there are lovely. And I did, you know, I did sort of in...

enjoy it don't sound like it no listen I do so far you said the girls in there are lovely yeah the girls were like brilliant and I loved like you know it's a beautiful space and I don't think the liquor was for me maybe it's parsley sauce isn't it yeah yeah I like parsley sauce Rylan loves it Rylan loves it oh love his art yeah yeah I probably

prefer gravy that hasn't really been mixed properly so there's still like half an oxo cube at the bottom of the cup okay well no restaurant's gonna do that for you maybe i'll just sort myself out legitimate establishment isn't doing that yeah no they are those pie shops are beautiful inside really beautiful the tiling you know it's all yeah i think they're protected i think you're not allowed to change them is that right yeah because there's one in walthamstow which is no longer a pie shop it's a japanese restaurant but they can't change the interior

Oh, fine. So you can go and have a nice Japanese meal but sat in an old pie shop. And of course the pie. Is that interesting? Huh? Is that interesting what I just said? Yeah. That's very interesting. Yeah. I felt, if you ever said something and just felt like the most boring version of your dad possible, that was me then. Was James and I not giving you a reaction? Yeah. That's on us. We should have reacted more. Thank you. And thank you for admitting that. I mean, it's definitely, I mean,

I'll tell you something along those lines the other day I was cleaning out the cat litter tray this is really interesting James yeah that's more the sort of thing I was after my cat had done a shit in I guess in four parts yeah okay four parts yeah four parts shit yeah like it's a new TV series four parts of the shit

Yeah. And I was scooping them up. And it's flushable, so I was directly in the toilet. Counting the trays next to the toilet. Bam, bam, bam. Fourth one, scoop it up. And I think to myself, oh, that's interesting. That was the first bit of shit that came out of its butt because I was watching that. So I realised that the last bit that I scooped up was the first bit that came out of its arse.

and then I thought my next thought was I'm turning into my dad yeah yeah I wouldn't say Stacey enjoyed that anecdote do you know that's on me again though I'm not massively into cats I don't really I don't really like cats it was the cat bit that put you off that story yeah it wasn't the drawn out explanation of you know the shit it was the fact that it was a cat if it was a bloke who'd done those shits I'd be really interested yeah yeah yeah I bear that in mind what's your cat called I've got four have you James yeah

That's interesting. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that, okay. But that was Rue, that was Rue in particular, who didn't know shits. Yeah. Rue's a small one as well. She's one of the smaller ones, yeah, yeah. So you love cats? Yeah, I love them. I'm so not, so not into, I know,

gonna marry are we my cat's not especially with kevin away no yeah i'm a cat guy as well yeah really fine okay go one though i truly i'm not into cats even in the slightest yeah i like dogs but it'd be irresponsible to get a dog at the minute the baby loves dogs she's into this cat actually as well that's down the road and i always try and swerve it i just think go away

The cat, not my child. Why do you like cats so much? You seem to be a proper hater. Yeah, they're sort of quite, I probably get cancelled because everyone loves cats, but they're sort of quite contrary, aren't they? And they don't really need you and they bring mice in. I'm like, I have a massive phobia of mice, pigeons and mice. Pigeons and rodents, it's just a hard no. I actually had a mouse in my kitchen the other week and I genuinely contemplated moving out. You called your daughter Minnie. I know. I know.

You're actually type, yeah. Yeah, but more like mini driver. Right, okay. Yeah. Yeah, so I just think I wouldn't be able to. Weirdo, actually. I wouldn't be able to trust a cat not bringing a mouse.

mouse into my house well my cat's a house cat so has never met a mouse never left the house never left the house do you want to hear something nuts yeah sure I was in a film with Minnie Driver and I played a mouse stop that's not true James that is true you was in a film with Minnie Driver yeah you weren't in a scene with her were you no I wasn't in a scene with her you played a mouse we were in the same film what film Cinderella

Stop? Yeah, yeah. She's the queen. I was a mouse who turns into a footman. This is unbelievable. John the Mouse. It is unbelievable, isn't it? I'm going to watch you on the way back. Amazon. That's amazing. Yeah, pretty amazing. That is. I mean, I knew you were like a...

like a high flying comedian yeah yeah but you also act he's a film star as well I'm a film star he's in Ghostbusters I'm in Ghostbusters stop this Lars Pinfield is a parabiologist James you really are yeah he's a superstar yeah and I still scoop up my cat shit you're still so real

Your dream side dish? My dream side dish, I think I'm going to go for arancini. Again. Very Italian. Well, the reason being, I don't like it when...

I don't like mixing up cuisines. Okay. So, of course, I love other genres. Yes. Is that the right word? Sure, sure. But I don't like mixy-matchy. Yes, okay, fair enough. So if I'd have started with Thai, I would have stayed with Thai. If I started with Japanese, I would have stayed with Japanese. And I love Japanese foods. But I thought Italian, let's just stay in the same country. Lovely. What do you want in the arancini? Because you can get ones with stuff in the middle, right? Probably like truffle and mushroom or something like that. Great.

Yeah. Missed an opportunity to just stick another anchovy into the meal. I do know what you mean. I do know what you mean. I also like it when they fry the olives. Oh my God, I love that. Yeah, that could be a nice side dish. I love them. I could eat fucking hundreds of them. As could my child.

Of course. The first time I had those was at a restaurant called Spuntino, which is not there anymore. And I'd never had it before. Did not know it was a thing. They bring you a little like cocktail glass thing full of just massive green olives with an anchovy in the middle, breadcrumb deep fried. I was like, I'd never need to eat anything else. Fantastic. Yeah. Yeah. Try doing those at home. Yeah. They would be tricky. I'd imagine. I could. They would be difficult. Yeah. Do you cook? No.

Not really. No. I can do like a few dishes. Broccoli and chorizo pasta. Yeah. For example. Yeah. So I've got a few. Yeah. But like actually since the lockdown, really not much at all. I've probably forgotten to cook a lot of the stuff, how to cook a lot of the stuff that I was cooking. You know, get rusty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, I mainly just roast stuff. I roast a butternut squash. But that's great.

I'll grill an aubergine. I'll just do like quick things. Yeah, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My oven doesn't really work. So you don't really know. Again, this is so boring actually. But my oven, I've kind of, I've been in the house nearly two years and the oven, you don't know if it's going to act as an oven or a grill. Okay. So you just have to... So it just does what it wants? Yeah, it just does what it wants. And I can't figure it out. I've Googled it. I've, you know, searched the...

the style of the oven i've asked the lady who i bought it off she's such a sweetheart like she's sort of talked me through it numerous times i just i can't figure it out so i'm gonna renovate the kitchen the whole kitchen the whole kitchen just to replace the oven yeah no i just can't anymore christmas dinner it was like is this bird gonna cook yeah it did i feel like that about stuff sometimes one thing in the house doesn't work and my first thought always my first thought is let's move

Yeah. Let's throw out the whole house and start again. Like me with a mouse. Yeah. Yeah. She's completely rational. Yeah. So you're not, it's not, it's not a case of like you're turning the dial wrong. Maybe I could show you. Sometimes it's a grill, sometimes it's another. I know. No, there's like, because she said, this is so boring. I'm so sorry. You have no idea how many times we have told you.

stories that are boring and then retold them on the podcast truth their broccoli pasta for example yeah and the cat shit and no the cat that is the first appearance of the cat shit and after the episode i will be having a word with james and say saying please don't make that a running yeah yeah yeah or trim it down it wasn't quite substantially solid don't even anyway i can't figure it out it's like sometimes the oven's on but the grill is also on it's really annoying

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With savings up to 30% off and fast carbon neutral shipping, you get top trusted groceries at your door. And you can stop worrying about what your kids get their hands on. Start shopping at thrivemarket.com slash podcast for 30% off your first order and a free gift. Your dream drink. Is this going to be Italian? Well, I don't know what this is. Shirley Temple. I'm going to say not Italian. No. Is that British? I put...

but American, I'd say. American. Yeah, because it's named after Shirley Temple. After the actual Shirley, yeah. I think a certain bar as well, wasn't it? But yeah. I love a Shirley Temple. And did you see recently that little lad that went viral? He was the Shirley Temple King. No, I didn't see this. Tell us about the little lad. Yeah, New York Times did a piece on him. This kid's, I don't know, like 12, 13, whatever. He was just going around the whole of New York.

Is it New York? I don't know all of the Zetas. Anyway, this Latin American sort of going around all the establishments and trying the Shirley Temples and has become like this, you know, the Shirley Temple King. Stepping on my toes. That's the sort of thing you'd do. Because I love Shirley Temples. Yeah, but like I ain't gone viral for it, that kid. No. Yeah, because he...

You're 40? Yeah. I'm 40. Much older than us, James. Yeah, I am. Much, much older. I think if there was a story about a 40-year-old going around trying all the Shirley Temples, it would be like, watch out for this man. Yeah, I'd feel a bit. Yeah. I'd be on the news. I'd be on a register. What is a Shirley Temple for our listeners? So... And for me. What is a Shirley Temple? I just always ask for it. So is it like, it's ginger ale or ginger beer, I think. Yeah.

And grenadine, the cherries, bit of lime. Am I right? Yeah. Is there anything else, Benito? Is that ginger ale or ginger beer? Ginger ale. Lemon or lime, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I put lime soysauce in it. Listen, I love a Shirley Temple. I don't booze. I don't drink. Yeah. So actually, I started ordering them out of...

necessity just because I wanted to fancy drink also and the thing is if you don't drink and you've got just your sparkling water it's like why don't you drink oh my god it's so crazy oh my god how come so I just have a Shirley Temple and I'm in with the gang I love it yeah yeah yeah it's nice to be in with the gang isn't it yeah yeah is there anywhere that you know does a good Shirley Temple because I would say if you I wouldn't walk in anywhere and be like Shirley Temple please does it panic people if you're just asking for a Shirley Temple

It depends where you are. I was in Glen Eagles in Scotland the other week. Very fancy. Very fancy. And they made me a very nice Shirley Temple. I bet they did. As you can imagine. Yeah. But there's also like, there's a company, it's based in London actually, and they make pre-made...

Shirley Temple's. Great. And my pal always buys me a bottle for Christmas. Is it like black notes or something? Black lines? I've not heard of it. I think I know what you mean. That's a nice Christmas present. Isn't that? It's thoughtful. I bet you look forward to that. Black lines. Yeah, black lines do a nice bottle of Shirley Temple and it's already made. Delicious. He'll be buying that, won't you? I'll be buying it.

I'm buying that. Yeah? Yeah, especially, maybe for Christmas. Try it. Maybe I'll add it to the Christmas repertoire. Yeah, see what you think. What are your other, I mean, usually we'd ask this during Christmas episodes, but it's come up naturally. You're looking forward to that bottle of the Black Lines Shirley Temple at Christmas. What other things are you looking forward to eating at Christmas? Are there certain snacks and stuff you have around the house that are just at Christmas? Not the Christmas dinner. No. But the snacks that are around. Yeah, fine. And Christmas.

We have the Bombay mix.

the Bombay mix obviously Twiglets yeah those celebrations the celebrations that everyone wheels out do you look disappointed when the sweet stuff came up immediately you're like Bombay mix Twiglets fucking celebration they're just so obvious okay this is so generic of you take them back

It's pretty generic, actually. I agree with you. Poor Kev, getting it in the neck for bringing you chocolates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Ferrero Rocher's. Yeah. You know what it's like? You just sit on the sofa and rot, don't you? We put the royal family on. Yeah. Not the actual royal family. Royal family. I've seen every single episode. I'm so obsessed with Ricky Tomlinson, I can't begin to tell you. That's good to rot to, because they're rotting on the show as well, right? It is. Yeah, we are just mirroring them. But I'll eat anything at Christmas.

My diet's pretty poor, I've got to say. Like coming down on the train, I had to kick out at 9 a.m.,

Four fingers? Again, four fingers. Laughing to yourself on the train with a mouthful of chocolate. Can't believe this. I'm crazy. Can't believe they're done with this at 9am. Mad. I'm so random. I'm so mad. So yeah, I'll eat shit all the time. But Christmas, I'm just like, let's go. Yeah. Love it. It is good for that. I love the Christmas snacks. I mean, it's February as we record this. I'm all ready. Yeah, I'm now excited for Christmas. I want to get all those Christmas snacks in again. Also, Easter, you can sort of do whatever you like, can't you? I mean, any kind of...

Less and less now with Easter, I find. Not for you, old salty tooth. Good luck celebrating Easter. Good luck being glad that he rose again. Salted caramel chocolate. Yeah. I think Ed's got a scotch egg. Yeah, I don't know if I love scotch eggs, actually. Really? Oh, here we go. This is where the saltiness... No. I'm having a nightmare at the moment because I bought my wife a... We don't really do Valentine's stuff, but I was out with my friend Chloe and we...

both needed to go and buy stuff for our partners for Valentine's so she was doing it and I was like you felt yeah you must yeah bought a card or whatever bought a box of lint balls oh yeah I know what you mean yeah got back happy Valentine's was that the whole present yeah yeah but my wife's not got me anything yeah

We don't do Valentine's. It's not really for boys. We don't do anything for each other for that. So she's gutted because she's like, I've not done anything for you. It was like, well, I won that. I'd rather nothing than a box of lint balls. Well, I mean, wait to hear this. I've done half those balls. Yeah, they weren't really for her, were they? She's not had one. No. No, she's not interested in them. No. Love her up. You had to take her out for dinner or what? No.

Ed! I take her out for dinner all the time. We can take her out for dinner another time. You're a nice guy. Also, going out on Valentine's night. Actually, we did go out for dinner on Valentine's night. Oh, fine. And when I say we, I mean me and James.

It was nice. Are you married, James? No, I have a girlfriend. And did you get her anything for Valentine's? No. No, okay. Absolutely nothing because she would have been very disappointed in me if I had. She finds it repulsive. Yes. Some girls do get the ick, but not me. I need fuss, fuss, fuss. Yeah.

Why? Because I just love treats. I just love a treat. I'm expecting like a bouquet, not red roses, obviously, but like a luxe bouquet. Kev bought me a mini. He's actually very romantic. He bought me a mini matching necklace. Absolutely dead meat if he's not. You don't get me anything for the full team. You're dumped. Well, you know me, darling. I'm a romantic. So you're in good hands.

No, I really want to do it. Yeah, I really want to. What did he get you? He got me a Minnie matching necklaces. Oh, Minnie's getting a present as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She got a bouquet off her dad's. Yeah, you need to set the bar high so when she's older, she doesn't go for a man who won't buy her anything for Valentine's Day. Oh, yeah, yeah. But look, me and James don't get things for Valentine's Day, but we're still lovely men. So lovely men are out there. No, that is true. You are both great. But there needs to be an agreement between...

within the relationship what Valentine's means. Be on the same page. Some girls do get the ick. Like a couple of my pals are like, oh, it's not, there's nothing spontaneous about it. Like it's not for me. Yeah, I do agree with that. And I did only do it because, you know, I was just...

knocking around Sainsbury's. It is worse. You're right that what Ed did is the worst version of it. Yeah, the worst. Well, I'm not going to bother in future. No, absolutely not. Truly, I think I only did it because I knew she wouldn't do anything for me and I knew I'd win if I got anything. That's what love's about. And that's what it's all about. It is. Winning. Do you get to have anything? Er,

Actually, I did. I did. But it's like, I don't really go to town in the same way that he does. Why would you? Why would you? Don't need to treat him the way that you want to be treated. What did Kev get? He's writing a series at the moment about ballroom dancing. Cool. So I got him some lettered paper with his name up the top. Yeah.

Did you also write, may you rot in hell at the top? Yeah. It wasn't enough. Next year, get me more things. Buy my love. No, that's a very classy present. Yeah. It's like thoughtful. Yeah. Did you get his name right? I spelt it right. Yeah, yeah. Just. Kevin Clifton. It's very difficult. No, that's nice. That's a nice present. Nice gift. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's my birthday next week. So there'll be more treats to come. So Kev's got a...

The treats are coming. We all like treats. I think that would be a good next book. Yeah. I keep on pitching these books to you. Dear Kev, buy me more. Dear Kev is funny. A bunch of like you reviewing presents that your partner and ex-partners have got you. Oh, wow. So like being like, here's what I got for this Valentine's. Here's what I got for this birthday. And like writing presents.

Each chapter is about each present. It'd keep Kev on his toes as well. Yeah, he doesn't want to get lazy, do you? That's a great idea, James. All right, fine. I'd buy that. I'll bring it to the publishers. I'm not sure what it'd do for your public image. I do know what you mean. I think it would be great if you called it Fuss, Fuss, Fuss or whatever. Maybe if I did it and pretended I was doing it in like an ironic way. But really it would be a very serious... Yeah, just pretend. Yeah.

Maybe if I just pretend it. The intro is, all of the following book is ironic. Yeah, yeah. Fuss, fuss, fuss. Chapter one, Kev was in the doghouse.

Your dream dessert. Now, obviously, I'm nervous going into this. I know that you don't like desserts. The Ferrero Rocher thing gave me a bit of hope. But you like treats. We know you like treats. And treats are often sweet. I do like desserts. Okay. I do. I just prefer starters. Correct. But for my desserts, again, there were two options. Key lime pie.

Or apple crumble with custard. Okay, nice. Yeah, you know where you are with both of those. Apple crumble, any crumble really, any sort of fruit crumble. I sort of get, you know, when I live in Liverpool, so I can go to any pub, any restaurant and get like a decent crumble, like a proper homemade crumble with like proper custard. Key lime pie is like more of a treat.

I have to sort of buy them in. Where are you buying them in from? Waitrose. Yeah. Stacey's pretending to smoke a cigarette. Yes. To signify the bougie-ness of going to Waitrose. I'm actually so obsessed with Waitrose's instant... I don't think smoking a cigarette makes it feel bougie. It's like a skinny cigarette. Right, okay. You mind rolling it up first. Yeah.

Don't you mind wearing fingerless gloves and doing a rollie? With the key lime pie, are you having it just as is? Yeah, I don't like ice cream. Okay. Do you? Wow, this is... I do not like ice cream. I mean, if pushed, I would have like the sorbet one, you know. We're not going to push you into it. No, you don't push me into it. I won't push you into anything, but I think this is...

Sad. I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you. I just, yeah, I just think I would rather a lolly than an ice cream. And even then, you know, I'd have a lolly just because, oh, it's 30 degrees, I might as well just have a lolly, but not because I really am craving a lolly. You prefer a bowl of cold capers. I would. Yeah, yeah. No, I would. Ice cold bowl of capers.

And a lovely Shirley tea. Yeah. That would be perfect. Yeah. Truly. That does sound good, actually. That does sound great. Shirley Temple's quite sweet, though, I guess. So you're getting a bit of sweetness from your drink anyway. Yeah. Have we made a decision between this key lime pie and the crumble and custard? I mean, it's not uniformed throughout is the only problem. I've fallen at the last hurdle because, you know, I like it all to be one. Yeah.

And I know neither of those I could do with a tiramisu, but I don't like tiramisu. I don't know what other Italian desserts are available. Well, I guess like gelato, but you don't like gelato. That's not going to work. I mean, a little cannoli. I do love cannolis. Will I swap it? Shall I swap?

Shall I swap it? The cannoli? It's up to you. It's your dream meal. I guess it comes down to what's the most important to you is sticking with the cuisine all the way through. I do like that idea. Or having these favourite desserts. Yeah. I'm going to swap it. What about a cannoli with the flavours of key lime pie? Yes, because you can fill it with whatever you wish. You fill it with that stuff that basically is...

the lime the key lime it's not even lime flavour is it yeah key limes it's made with key limes yeah so the lime filling what do you think it was and then I thought I'd heard some trivia that it's like actually it's not lime surprise but then as I said it's the piss that gives it the flavour

Maybe I'm going to swap actually, so then it's all perfect. You want a key lime pie, flavour cannoli? Yeah, or honeycomb, because I had one of them the other day and it was beautiful. I could feel it was sticking to my teeth. I could barely open my jaw. I thought, this is great. Just a slab of honeycomb? In the cannoli. In the cannoli? Yeah. Okay, I'll go for that. Yeah, I'm going to go for that. A honeycomb cannoli. I feel like I'm on some kind of quiz show. Yeah. I've changed my mind. I'll lock it in. Okay.

Lock it in. It's locked in. Lock it in. Lock your jaw with the honeycomb. Can I? Yeah. Yeah. Tammet was the king of that. Lock it in. Are you sure? Okay. You're locking that in? Fine. Just so, he played it so, he played a blinder every time. That's a long time ago, wasn't it? Very long time ago. But I was thinking about it the other day and thinking like, he was always good on it and I think it's because it was so big.

but he never got another gig while it was on. That's true. Tarrant on TV. Put some respect on that. While it was on? Yeah, that must have been at the same time, Tarrant on TV. I've never seen that. It was clips of wacky shows from around the world. I haven't seen that one, but I can look on YouTube after I've watched Cinderella. Read your menu back to you now. Okay, thank you. See how you feel about it. Okay. You would Sparkling Water. Yeah, definitely. You would like Poppins of Bread. You want the anchovies on toast. Yeah. And then Starter, you want anchovies on toast again. Yeah. Both times from Copenhagen.

Yeah. Main course, the pasta platter, puttanesca, with your bigatoni penne mashup. TBC. And cacio e pepe with spaghetti.

Side dish, truffle and mushroom arancini. I feel that we didn't speak enough about it. We didn't, but it was a good choice. Your drink, a Shirley Temple. And dessert, a honeycomb cannoli. That is great. That is good. And you've kept the cuisine consistent throughout. And I'm really pleased about that, really. Yeah, yeah. But I would have an English breakfast after. So once I've had the entire... Oh, sorry. Tea. Yeah, once I've had the entire... Honestly, for a second is what you meant. You're going to have a full English. No.

after all of that can't eat all that Italian he wasn't lying about her appetite can't have all that Italian food yeah let's get this foreign market out of my mouth I've got myself back to Blighty I've got English

No, then I always have a cuppa at the end. Yeah, lovely. That's round off perfectly. Cup of tea at the end. Ready for bed. Chill out. And then bed. Is it bed after the meal? That would be honest. That would be a really lovely evening. Straight to bed after that full Italian meal. I love an early night. Yeah? Truly. I'm in bed at eight o'clock. Are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. What times mini do they get into bed? Eight o'clock.

8 o'clock. So a pair of us will get into bed together. You put in a bed, you go to bed. Yeah, we sleep in my bed because Kev's always on tour. Do you know what I mean? My boyfriend is on tour. He's doing Chicago at the minute. So he's like away for months and months and months. So I just think, oh, I'll just hang out with Minnie. May as well go to bed at 8. Do the bath, blah, blah, blah. Get a pyjama. Plus Kev's up till 3am trying to work out what treat to buy you next. Correct. Sweating. He's terrified. Travelling the world. Can't get on with a giant toe blow. Yeah.

She's all Toblerone'd out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're in bed at eight, yeah. Has he brought you back anything fun from his travels? Well, it's a national tour. So what's he brought me back? Not really. Oh dear.

he's really let me down there hasn't he come on if you've listened to this Kev please you've got to pull your socks up you've got to try harder make an effort you've got to try he knows your dream menu now he knows my dream menu so if he doesn't make you that he's not a brilliant cook and he's in Chicago every night he has to hear about wives killing their husbands yeah yeah he's just trying to keep Roxy alive yeah take it as a warning Kev he's just singing Razzle Dazzle every night there'll be another person in the cell block tango soon laughing

Stacey's singing about he didn't buy me a treat he didn't buy me a treat oh first of all he didn't buy you a treat there just wasn't enough fuss yeah that would work in that song as well fuss fuss fuss that would be good fuss fuss fuss fussy fuss yeah thank you so much for coming to the Dreamrest for us Stacey thank you for having me thank you Stacey

There we are, James. What a fun chat with Stacey. Well, I hope Kev's been listening and taking notes. Fuss, fuss, fuss. The three Fs. Three Fs. Fantastic. Don't forget that Dear Minnie is out now. Stacey's brand new book. Do go and get yourself a copy of that. And thank you, Stacey, for not saying Minnie Cheddars. We didn't have to kick anyone out of that dream restaurant. No, we did not. Even though myself and Benito are both Cheddheads. You're both Cheddheads, but it's not very Italian, Minnie Cheddars. No.

Yeah. I mean, it's either. Huh? I mean, it's either. Yeah, good. Thank you very much for listening. We'll be back next week with another off menu podcast. Hey, it's Paige from Giggly Squad. Real talk. If there's one store that I absolutely love walking around, it's Sephora. It's my total guilty pleasure. They have amazing brands that other people don't have. And I find something great every time I walk in. And there's

literally one down the street from me so I do that a lot. It's so fun to shop in the store and online and the products are just too good. No regrets ever. For example, one of my favorite beauty brands is Makeup by Mario who just launched his new lip gloss that I absolutely love. So the next time you're in the market for great beauty, shop all the hottest products and brands only at Sephora.

this is Paige the co-host of giggly squad i use ubereats for everything and i feel like people forget that you can truly order anything especially living in new york city it's why i love it you can get chinese food at any time of night but it's not just for food i order from cvs all the time i'm always ordering from the grocery store if a friend stops over i have to order champagne

I also have this thing that whenever I travel, if I'm ever in a hotel room, I never feel like I'm missing something because I'll just...

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Stop by a Warby Parker store near you. Hello there, Off Menu listeners. It's me, Amy Gledtail, and you might remember me from my episode of Off Menu when I chose to have seaweed on mash and I'll be taking no further questions. And my name is Ian Smith, and you may remember me from the one line of dialogue I had in a non-broadcast Channel 4 pilot. Maybe you were in the studio audience at the time. Who can forget? But that's not what we're here to talk about. No, nor

the news, our podcast is coming back for series four. And don't worry, it's not a boring news podcast. No way. We're two northerners living in London and every week we catch up on the weirdest, most bizarre local news from up north. Things like? Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in bath mat. Pure evil blackbird named Derek terrorising Yorkshire village and attacking children. And we're joined by special correspondents every week like

Like you one and only Ed Gamble, who you might have heard of. You'll remember him from this podcast, the one you're listening to now. Yeah. He hosts it. Yeah. Co-host. He was on my episode of Off Menu. Was he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he was in the non-broadcast Channel 4 pilot I did as well. Oh, he will have been. He's a nice guy. That's Northern News, out every Thursday, wherever you get your podcasts.