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cover of episode You’re Probably Thinking About Boundaries All Wrong

You’re Probably Thinking About Boundaries All Wrong

2025/4/23
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Modern Love
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Casey Davis
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Casey Davis: 我认为人们普遍误解了界限的含义。许多人认为界限是用来限制他人行为的，例如要求对方不要以某种方式对待自己。但更准确地说，界限是一种内在的理解，它界定自我与他人的界限，以及个人责任的范围。它关乎对自身感受和责任的掌控，而不是控制他人。在人际冲突中，重要的是要暂停，并审视自身行为和责任，以及对方对自身行为的解读。要学会区分自身感受与他人的感受，以及自身责任与他人的责任。即使对方没有改变，我们仍然可以设定自己的界限，并根据自身感受和责任做出回应。在与他人的关系中，我们有责任去倾听、理解和支持对方，但我们也有权设定自己的界限，保护自己的情感和福祉。 在处理人际关系问题时，人们常常会陷入道德评判的陷阱，这会妨碍他们找到最佳解决方案。凌乱是道德中性的，不是性格缺陷或道德失败。我们不必等到完全爱自己才能爱他人，重要的是避免以寻求他人爱来弥补自身不足。 Lidija Hilje: 我和丈夫20年的婚姻中，因为一个性格测试，引发了一场激烈的争吵。他认为自己一直以来都是个‘受气包’，而我则被指控‘控制欲强’。这场争吵揭示了我们长期以来未曾解决的问题：他童年时期的创伤和压抑的情感。他习惯性地压抑自己的需求，避免给他人带来不便，并因此而产生怨恨。而我则没有意识到他的感受，误以为我们之间的分工是公平的。通过这次冲突，我们开始学习如何更好地沟通和表达需求，并尊重彼此的界限。我们意识到，界限不仅仅是限制他人的行为，更是对自身感受和责任的理解。我们开始学习一种新的相处模式，允许彼此表达需求，并为彼此创造空间。这需要时间和练习，但我们正在努力学习如何更好地相处，并建立更健康的关系。

Deep Dive

Chapters
Casey Davis, known for her practical advice on housework, shares her journey of posting cleaning videos online and addresses the moral judgment often associated with messiness. She highlights the importance of separating messiness from character flaws and moral failings.
  • Messiness is morally neutral; it's not a character defect or moral failing.
  • Moralizing advice in relationships muddies the waters when trying to figure out the best decision for oneself.
  • Many people struggle with shame around their messiness.

Shownotes Transcript

KC Davis is a therapist and author known for her practical, empathetic advice on dealing with clutter, even when you are feeling like too much of a mess yourself to take care of the mess in your home. Her TikTok videos on the subject have been viewed millions of times. But lately, Davis has been talking and writing about our relationships not just to the objects in our lives, but to the people, too.

In her new book, “Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship*,” *Davis tries to disentangle the popular understanding of boundaries, saying the concept is widely misunderstood. She offers a guide to forming and keeping boundaries that help readers better navigate their conflicts with other people.

On this episode of “Modern Love," Davis tells us what she thinks we get wrong about boundaries and how we should be thinking about them instead. She reads the Modern Love essay “Is My Husband a Doormat?)” about a sudden argument between a couple 20 years into their relationship and talks about how boundaries can help defuse such situations. Davis also tells us how boundaries helped heal her own relationship with her father.

The author of today’s featured essay, Lidija Hilje, has a new novel coming out in July called “Slanting Towards the Sea.)“

For an upcoming episode about location sharing, the Modern Love team wants to hear your location-sharing story. Did something happen that made you regret sharing your location with someone? Was there a moment when you were thankful that you had? Where were you? What happened? How did your relationship change as a result? The deadline is May 1. Submission instructions are here).

Here’s how to submit a Modern Love essay to The New York Times)

Here’s how to submit a Tiny Love Story)

Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts) or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.