BDSM Basics – Anal, anal, and more anal
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I think really when it comes to the anus, knowledge is power, preparation is key, and slow is the way to go. BDSM Basics. Hello everybody, this is Spanky Next. I'm Gregor and I'm here in the studio with... Anna. We're back for another BDSM Basics. And this time, Gregor is going to be taking the lead. The initiative, yeah. Something close to your heart, obviously. But for those that have not listened to a BDSM Basics, these are episodes where we go through the

the literal basics of BDSM before we've done things like BDSM contracts, safe words, things that if you're just coming to kink or you've just started dipping your toe into it, you need to know and you maybe haven't educated yourself about before. So expect all things knowledge in a bite size.

lovely chunk. And the thing is, you know, we have this one episode, Begging for Packing. It's actually our very first episode and it's still our most successful episode. And then we thought, okay, people just love anal. The butt is having a moment right now, Gregor. I think this is really something that started about 10 years ago and I was just doing an internship in

In Berlin, when a friend sent me this Vice article, the asshole is the new pussy. And since then, people are really on a mission to discover anal pleasures. Totally. And speaking of the episode, we actually republished it last month. And again, it's already becoming our most popular episode again. So we knew we had to go back and do an all anal episode.

episode. And my dear friend Gregor, who knows probably more than me about this, even though, you know, I have explored, but I don't know as much as I want to. So I'm really happy for you to give me the lowdown on this. Yeah, I think really when it comes to the anus, knowledge is power, preparation is key, and slow is the way to go. Breach, breach, breach. So let's talk about butt stuff. First of all, let's talk why is it so pleasurable, really? Tell me. The

The thing is, there's just so many nerve endings around the anus. So being stimulated around the anus can provoke very strong sensation for a lot of people. And of course, men or people born with a penis, we also have a prostate there. Yeah, I was going to ask if that makes a big difference. I mean, it does. But as I was prepping for this episode, and of course, I was also reading a lot of stuff,

It's of course different for everybody, but I think there's also a huge psychological aspect to it all because, you know, just having these nerve endings, it sounds very biological, but having these nerve endings stimulated at a place that's usually really private and would usually not flash around in public has something very intimate to it and can lead to very strong and rousing sensations. Yeah, maybe it's because it's seen as

as a bit of a taboo. Maybe not anymore and people are more and more open about exploring it but because let's say shit comes out of it people might be a bit unwilling to go there. That's the funny thing. So we just said you know men or people born with a penis have a prostate.

and the prostate can lead to even more intense sensation. And you know, there's even this prostate orgasm that's a really intense form of orgasm. But then I thought, okay, if all people born with penises have these sensations, why doesn't everybody want to experience anal play? Absolutely. And the thing is, what you just mentioned, shit comes out of it. It's a very vulnerable situation. There's so many reasons.

why you might not enjoy it. I personally think for a lot of straight men, it's internalized homophobia and a fear of being feminized or sort of dominated or appearing to be gay.

And sadly, we might not even be conscious. You know, I know a lot of woke men or people with penises who are not homophobic, but I still think there's that inside. You know, it's sort of something they've been taught from a very young age that anal play is for gay people. Totally. Okay. And I think this is where we have to make a huge, huge disclaimer. Anal play doesn't make you gay or call into question your straightness. Pleasure has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. If

If I were a man, Gregor, and I had this untapped pleasure resource and I wasn't using it, I would feel like I wasn't experiencing the fullness of life. I think this is the point where we have to go back to our favourite topic, the patriarchy. Absolutely. It's ruining everything. It's ruining everything because I think we still have this mental image of

the woman being the one penetrated. And I think it's really hard for a lot of men to kind of just surrender to this situation and just letting things happen and experience or being kind of on the more receiving end. Yeah, because we're the whole red pole. When we look at gay culture, for instance, there's so much bottom shaming going on, like the one who would receive anal penetration. And I think at the very deep end, this comes from misogyny.

Yeah, tell me more about that. So it's seen to be sort of more powerless to be a bottom. Is that right? Totally. It seems kind of more weak, more female. And especially in gay culture, that very often is like a hyper sexualized and masculine culture where a lot of people try to really be more masculine just to compensate their own internalized homophobia.

living this more feminine side of sex, what we see as being more on the receiving end, is very hard for a lot of people and is also very stigmatized within the very own gay scene, which is a pity. Yeah.

That's a real pity. Like we thought you guys would start doing things differently. Come on. Honestly, I think we are and people are. And I think especially like the younger queer movement is way more open. You were saying that you guys are using different terminology now, right? You don't really see bottom and top, but it's more like...

or something? Oh, what is a side? Okay, that's very important. Okay, it's very funny because if you go to a dating app, Grindr for instance, people are like, what are you into? And instead of telling what you're really into, people said, I'm a top, I'm a bottom, I'm versatile. And what's

which just refer to anal penetration really, but not to the whole panorama of sex or what sex can be. But lately, a lot of people identify sides, so they don't really want to penetrate or be penetrated. And I think that's such an important step because sex is not all about penetration. It can be, and it can be wonderful, and that's really nice also, but sex is and can be so much more.

Okay, great. I think we've covered some good theory. Let's go more into practice mode and talk about preparation for anal sex. We did talk about this in Begging for a Pegging, but let's sort of round up what people should really be doing in the prep and then what they should do before their first experience. First thing, of course, it's a place where shit comes out.

So I think the most important thing is you want to feel clean and you want to feel good. Here, I really recommend do what feels right for you. Some people douche and some people like it and some people don't want to have anal sex without douching. Okay, let's really go there. Let's go into detail. Because, of course, there's the outer part of the anus that you can just clean by showering or, you know, wet wipes or whatever. But then, of course, it goes everywhere.

into the anus and if you want to really make sure that you're clean there, especially if you have longer sessions, if you're into fisting, if you're into, I don't know, dildo play, I think you want to make sure to be clean there and you might want to douche. So douche is this small water pump or there's even like extensions for your shower head.

So basically, just you clean out your, I think it's called anal cavities, which sounds horrible. Yeah, that's not the sexiest word. It's always when you go so much into detail, it sounds very cold and biological.

But basically, you just clean out using water. It sounds nice anyway, but you feel really clean after that. Definitely, you feel clean and ready. And I think it can even be arousing because it's already, you know, preparing yourself for the sex you'll have later. It's like foreplay. It's like foreplay in a way. I've talked to different guys. I think like half an hour, 45 minutes is like a usual time. I know guys who were able to douche and get ready in 15 minutes. Wait, it takes 45 minutes?

Okay, because you douche until the water comes out clean. That's a lot of water in a drought. I mean, people are not going to be able to be douching. And some people don't. Tell us about that. It's not a must. Stop.

Some people just know themselves well enough if they can bottom in a certain moment or not. Yeah, because I'm thinking, you know, say Grindr and you want to hook up in the moment, you're out, there's no time to douche. Is that a problem for people? No, I think that's not a problem. Honestly, no, no, no. Okay, I've met people who wouldn't bottom without douching and other people just know their bodies and they could just kind of bottom without any preparation just by knowing if

it's a good moment for them or not. They're not constipated. Yeah. However, I have to say this whole thing about I know my body. Sometimes we think we know our bodies and then our bodies do little things we didn't expect. Absolutely. And in that situation, is that just okay and just part of it? Let's really just make it okay. Because if you engage in anal sex,

I think there's always this small risk involved and you wash off and it's okay. Yeah, nobody's dead. Exactly. It's maybe not the sexiest thing that can happen. Well, for some people it is. For some people it really is. Okay.

But, you know, it can happen. Okay, I also wanted to talk a bit about licking somebody's ass and rimming, sorry. And I did this once to a guy and he farted into my face. No, no. Accidentally? Accidentally. Accidentally. How was that? I was...

Of course, I was a bit grossed out. I found it so funny. But I really tried to keep a straight face because I felt so sorry for him because for him this must have been really embarrassing. And I was really like kind of, oh my God, it's not a big deal. But he was so, so embarrassed. Mortified.

Mortified. I don't know. He couldn't get it together. He was just excusing himself for the better part of five minutes. And that killed the vibe. Of course it did. I mean, the fart was a fart. That happens. Still, I feel so sorry for him because if we would just both have said, okay, that just happened, then we could have just continued. But it was such a vibe killer. Yeah.

That in the end, we were just lying there and I said to him, I think it's better if you just go home. Brutal. I know, really brutal, but... No, what else are you going to do? You have to be honest. So it's all about just your reaction to things. Yeah, when the vibe's gone, it's gone. Oh yeah, you can't get that back. Okay, so we're douched, ready and prepared. How can we stimulate the anus? And this is whatever form of anal play you engage, right?

really take it slow, take it at your own rhythm and time and do what feels right to you. I also read in one of the articles on Fetish.com, the platform Anne and I work for,

that some people are very, very sensitive. And this is really, really interesting. If you rim on a certain amount of people, you really see how differently everybody reacts to it. Yeah. And when you mean sensitive as in a turn-on or they can't handle as much? Both. And now we're still not penetrating anything. We're still just talking about stimulating the outer anus.

kind of just experiment. Try what feels good to you. Try with your own fingers on some lube and licking somebody or being licked. Try with some toys and just see what feels good. Yeah, I think that's a really good point. You could really try before you even do it with someone else.

Try with a vibrator or your fingers before going whole hog, so to speak. And I also here really recommend, because I think we're sometimes very quick in going straight to penetration. Yeah. Really just experiment that feeling you get when you stimulate your anus without penetrating anything.

And just see how that feels for you and if that feels good or what makes you feel really good. And then you can take it one step further. If it doesn't, that's okay too. The great thing about experimenting on your own first is that you can really see if this is something for you or not. Okay, so we're prepared. We've got the lube. We've done some vibrators. What's next? Okay, now you can, of course, go deeper, literally. Literally.

Penetration. It can be a lot of fun. But really, here, communicate. Take it on your own time, especially. This is some advice for everybody. Topping. Ask questions. Ask your bottom if this feels good at the moment, but also really watch how they're reacting to what you're doing. Yeah, like if they're seizing up, maybe take it slower.

Yeah. And just be communicating. The interesting thing is, and we'll talk more about this when we talk about fisting, I read that an average anus can stretch between five and eight inches. Whoa. And that's in between 13 and 18 centimeters. That's like more than when people have babies. Yeah. It's like, wow. I don't know. I don't have a baby. But I think that sounds right. I'm just agreeing to you. I also don't know anything about babies.

If we did, maybe we wouldn't be doing this episode. At least we know about fisting. Okay, I think kind of 18 centimeters or eight inches is already kind of the outer reach before the anus really kind of takes damage. That seems like a lot, I have to say. Yeah, why am I telling you this? Why are we talking about this? And the thing is really, I think...

the experience you have when bottoming is mainly psychological. The thing is, as soon as you are kind of very nervous or not feeling relaxed, you tighten and then it's difficult. But just know that in theory, your ass can take it. Yeah, let me talk about my first anal experience compared to my second. This is not to be tried at home and I really don't recommend this, but I was very intoxicated.

and I was very relaxed and you know just kind of dove in and I actually really enjoyed it it was a great experience very erotic and then I tried it again maybe like a week later this was my ex-boyfriend and totally seized up and I got all the lube out but like you say I wasn't relaxed and

And I completely seized up and it was incredibly painful. And I think it was all my brain telling me I was nervous. And I also think sometimes it also just doesn't work. And with some people, it doesn't work. Yeah. And just have to admit, OK, no, not today. And that's also OK. Yeah. And stop beating yourself up. I was a bit younger, so I really wanted to sort of be very serious.

sexy and be able to do all these things. And I wasn't at that level of communication I would be, you know, 10 years on. As we just say, it's so psychological. It's also so very personal that if you had a bad experience and don't want to repeat, that's also completely okay. But I really encourage you just to kind of try different things with different people, because there will be situations when you'll feel all relaxed and good about yourself. And then you'll

you're suddenly, wow, really? I could take that much. And it just works. And sometimes it won't happen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Re-approach at that point, at another time. Yeah, exactly. I wanted to talk about two last topics, fisting and poppers. So fisting first, I think you all know what it is. It's just like kind of really penetrating your anus with a fist or even with the hand. The trick here is really don't start with the fist.

You really start with fingers and then you form your hand into a little duck face. How would you call that? Like a duck beak. Like a duck beak, exactly. So you really just press your fingers together and that's how you enter. People can't see what you're doing, Greggle, but it looks much easier when I can see you. So yeah, you really approach it from like a small surface area and you get bigger.

Exactly. I mean, let's face it, there are real pros out there who can just take a full fist right from the start. Good for them. Good for them. Good for them. But basically what you do, you press your fingertips together and that gives you like the duck beak form to kind of enter. Here comes the thing. I think while everybody maybe could do fisting, it's really not for everybody. And here, just listen to yourself. If you need to be penetrated by bigger things, you can do it.

you will know. Just, I don't know, normal penis or dildo penetrative sex is not doing it for you and that you want to go with bigger things and that it's okay and then you can experiment. And here, use a lot, a lot, a lot of lube. There's also special fisting lube because it just needs to slide more easily than with your everyday penetrative sex. Your everyday utensils. Exactly.

So that much about fisting, maybe we should kind of do an in-depth fisting episode one day. I met this one guy once who was really into fisting and he also said what he liked about fisting, and there's a whole fisting community out there. Of course there is. That everybody can be a top. I like that. Okay, tell us about poppers. They're not just for raves. Exactly. I think kind of sometimes we talk about poppers and I have to say I'm not a huge fan of poppers, but...

Well, last week, a colleague of mine talked badly about poppers and he is gay and he talked badly about poppers. And I suddenly I felt that I have to defend poppers now. And I'm here for that. Tell us. We don't want to encourage drug use on this podcast, but poppers are also very dangerous.

Well, let's just say it's the party drug of choice of many people because it just gives you this instant head rush and you experiment everything in like more color, more intensity. And of course, that's also why so many people like to use poppers for sex. Also, it just relaxes your muscle and it pumps extra oxygen to your heart. And this is, I read about this today, because poppers was originally used for

to relieve the pain of angina attacks. So what it does, it really relaxes the blood vessels and, as I said, it increases the supply of blood and oxygen to the heart. So, woof, you get all this kind of flash and this head rush and I think it's really funny that you're

was really used as a medication, as was cocaine. So why is that surprising me? Why stop there? As is morphine. I think all drugs can be used for good purposes. They're just often abused, you know? Yeah. I don't know what the legal... Exactly. Maybe you read up wherever you're listening to this from, because in the UK, poppers are currently not legal. Are they not? No.

No. What? I don't know. It's beautiful, the two of us. I know. I think they are also very easy to get still, but I also think in Spain they're not legal, UK they're not legal, and in the States, I don't know. It would surprise me a bit if they were legal in the States when they're not legal in the UK. Let's talk about the most important points before we sign off. So I'm thinking prep, lube, communication. Communication. Try on yourself first.

It's okay if it doesn't work for you. If you need to go bigger, go bigger. Go bigger and take it slow. There you go. I have two last tips before we go. So, okay, how do you relax? How do you make the act of penetration easier or being penetrated in that case?

So basically, number one pro tip, as your top begins inserting, you push down. And it's counterintuitive, but really, of course, you don't push hard, but really kind of pushing a bit opens you up and lets the top enter more easily. Okay, nice. And I've really tried that. It also, because it changes a bit,

how the muscles are activated in your pelvic floor and that really helps for easier penetration. Great top tip. Another one, and this one I've just heard, I've never tried it, is focusing on your breath really helps to relax. And I heard...

that whistling really helps. What? Because you have to focus so much on engaging your face muscles to whistle that you have to relax the other parts of your body. Oh. And apparently that's really helpful. Could be really annoying though. Could be really annoying and also vibe killer. But try it out and if it works for you, let us know on Instagram at spankynextpodcast.com

And yeah, I think that's it with our anal episode. I think that's it. Maybe we'll re-approach the whole fisting episode another time. But I think you all have enough to go on if you haven't tried it or if you love it. We hope this has been helpful. And we'll be back soon with another BDSM Basics. Yeah, until then, keep it kinky. Keep it kinky. Bye.

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And for any one of you who is looking to deepen their knowledge of kink, head to the BDSM training school on fetish.com and enroll in a course now. And last but not least, shout out to our producer, Billy Cragen, our kinky team, and everyone who makes this podcast possible.