How to talk about kinks & fetishes with your partner(s)
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Hello, hello, dear Spanky Next listeners. I'm one of your hosts, Anna. Hey, and I'm Gregor. Spanky Next is the podcast where we talk about all things fetish and BDSM. And this week, we've got something special for you.

We've been recording these episodes for a couple of years now, if I'm not mistaken, Gregor, and there's so many new listeners that we get each month that we want to encourage you to go back and listen to the episodes that we think are really special, that are important at a certain time in the year. So we're going to be reposting old episodes for you to listen to alongside our newer episodes that come out twice a month.

Exactly. These episodes are hand-selected by the two of us, and this week's episode is one that we think you should really listen to. So without further ado, let's get into the episode, and please enjoy an older episode of Spank You Next. BDSM Basics

Wow, it has been so long since Anna and I have been in the studio together. I missed this so much. I'm so happy to be back. I know, we're finally back. So if you've been a listener all along, you'll know that we went to Florida together. What was it? Mid-August? Mid-August, yeah. For FetishCon in St. Petersburg and it was an absolute success. We may say so ourselves. We made loads of new partners, loads of new connections, especially in the US. And we were able to do a lot of things together.

But then we took a little break and we did another format, which you can also go back and listen to called Fetish Phonin, where they're IRL kinky experiences that are very, very steamy. I have to say, since Florida, I'm a huge fan of the US. I really, I fell in love with all of you. Oh, really. Gregor kept saying, I think we need to move the podcast to the US.

Yeah, I really think so. Well, if visas weren't such an issue, maybe we would. Maybe. But you know, then I did the Camino de Santiago, which is like this pilgrimage in northern Spain. And I met so many people from the US, from Canada. And it was so fun because I talked so much about the podcast. Greetings to everybody who's just listening to the podcast today.

and had this one experience where this woman said, what's it about? And I said, yeah, it's about BDSM. And she said, BDSM? What is BDSM? So I explained and she looked at me and then she said,

I'm too old to talk about these topics. She turned around and left. I was so taken aback. I really, I didn't want this to happen. And funnily enough, at the very end of the pilgrimage, I met her again and she was with a friend and she just approached me and told her friend, oh my God, this is Gregor. He has a podcast about BDSM. And I love that journey for her.

I also don't know what she's talking about. We found that age is very much not a factor. In fact, we have a theory that young people are into BDSM in the traditional sense than older generations, actually. That there's a lot of sex positivity in younger generations and kink, but it's not as hardcore rules, BDSM traditions, leather, etc.,

Um, so don't know what she's on about there. Yeah. I mean, also you may have had some quite religious types on the El Camino and maybe like talking about being in a Zen with them was a bit, um,

shocking at first. For sure. I mean, it was definitely a place where you wouldn't expect a topic like this. No, but you said people were really receptive to it. They were kind of, and I made them all subscribe to the podcast. I stick it out, spank your neck, stick it all around the way. And I basically converted people to BDSM on the pilgrimage. That was my whole mission. Well, God's work. God's work.

So anyway, let's get into today's episode. Let's get into the episode. BDSM basics. How to approach kink if you're single and also in a relationship. Now Gregor, as a single man, is going to be taking on the single part, walking me through what he thinks is a good way to approach BDSM when you're just dating or hooking up. And I, as a monogamous woman...

in a relationship will be talking about bringing up your kinks for the first time with a partner which can be very scary yeah so what you just said and I have the same feeling I have the feeling that younger people they're kind of much more open to sexuality they're much more in tune with the things they're into and they're much more open to talk about them and I think that's that's the very first step I think when you're starting dating when you're meeting new people you should be talking about sex as early as possible what do you make about the theory that young people are having less sex hmm

And you can't see Gregor's face, but he took that very seriously. Yeah, I think it's really a thing. If you don't agree with us, reach out, message us on Instagram. Yes, we always want to hear if you think we're wrong. But I think...

This is because of several reasons. And one of them, my favorite one, is because people really know what they want. You know? So it might not just be the normal, regular, boring hookup sex when you start experimenting when you're young. It's usually bad, right? Exactly. So I think there's really this tendency that what Anna just said, usually you meet somebody, then you have a dinner, maybe some drinks, and then automatically sex is the next step. And I think now we're living through a time when people are really questioning...

is this really something that I want with this person? Or will I enjoy it?

And then I think another reason, and that's the sad reason, is that people are becoming more and more lonely also because of their phones, they're not going out so much, they don't drink so much. We know that Gen Z is kind of not a fan of the alcohol. They think we're all absolute boozehounds, which we are, I guess. Which we are, and we had a lot of sexual encounters simply because we were drunk. It's true, and it's not good. And as we say in BDSM, it's very much not good to be under the influence of alcohol or drugs while performing it because you need to be careful. Yeah, please be careful.

but this loneliness aspect is really important, I think, because there's also a lot of porn and I love porn and I'm very pro porn, but when you have such availability of online ways to get your fix, does it make you less likely to go out into the real world and do it with real people? Oh my God, totally. You know, sometimes I, I enjoy my own wang so much. Sorry, I was

You did not expect that. But I enjoy them so much. It's different, right? That it's really hard for other people to keep up with that. Absolutely. I always say this, like, I can make myself come in two minutes with someone else. It's different and it can be great, but it is different. Someone else is basically a boyfriend. I don't want to say my boyfriend. I mean, I've been in a relationship with someone for a long time, but even before...

It's not the same, but it can be really beautiful in other ways. It's that actually learning each other's body takes a lot more time. But when someone else does it, it is nicer in a certain way. Because I can just be like, flick a switch, done. Yeah.

And actually, that's not what human connection is about. It's not what it's about. But that's a really good point because it's all about expectations also. And that's why I think you should talk about the things you're into right from the start. Maybe don't make it an icebreaker when you talk to somebody. But bring up the conversation. Also show that it's safe with you to talk about these things. And then see how other people react when it comes to this topic.

I also think I kind of quickly want to talk about online dating because here it's of course different. Here we come once again to this. Usually we go to online dating platforms when in the moment we're really horny. And especially when it comes to BDSM, I want to speak a word of warning here. Keep it real.

I know how difficult that is when you're horny because then sometimes you have this fantasy of what you would be able to do or what you would be into. But that's also how people get into dangerous situations because you might not be seeing the red flags when you talk to other people. Absolutely, because a horny mind is not a logical mind. Oh my God, tweet, tweet. That's such a tweetable moment. Yeah.

So, yeah, really. I think we should do another episode about online dating and red flags when it comes to online dating. Absolutely. Especially with BDSM because red flags are really important because it can be really risky. It can be, yeah. So that's why I really recommend when it comes to online dating, you know, maybe have some quality time with yourself first and then come back with a clearer mind. What about if you go to a kinky dating app, for example, or website where people are there to...

explicitly explore their kinks is there a difference in approach is it more that you're actually on the same page maybe a lot sooner than someone random on a dating app yeah but i i'd still say be honest about the things you're into and realistic about your expectations so and so let's kind of just think of dating scenario you you may be seeing somebody it comes to sex and then you think okay there's this whole kink part aspect about you that you should be bringing up

Now here, I really recommend ask yourselves two questions. The first one is how trustworthy do you think the other person is and how comfortable are you with your own kinks? Yeah. Because preach, preach, preach.

The thing is, really, I mean, you never know. In the end, we never know who's a lunatic and who isn't. But go with the intuition. Just kind of what does your gut tell you? Is this somebody you might want to have this conversation with? Is this somebody who can trust? Because we live in a time everybody's so connected on social media. Some people are, you know, some people might have sensitive jobs. So you

I, it's really difficult to talk about kink openly for a lot of people. There's still so much stigma. So much stigma. People really think that there is that idea that, oh, well, if you have that fetish, that makes you sort of a, it might make you deranged. It might make you someone that you wouldn't trust at work, which is just crazy. Yeah. So kind of check in with yourself if you think this is the person to have a conversation with.

And then, because they might out you. Let's hope that doesn't happen. But the danger is there, especially when they start getting to know your family and friends, when you start to get to know their family and friends. Oh, absolutely.

you know, just have a little check-in with yourself to see how that would work out for you. And then the second thing comes in. So how comfortable are you with your kinks? Because if you're comfortable, you'll be okay. Yeah, I think that's a point. There's so much inner shame. Exactly. Some people actually aren't okay with their kinks and then it can come out. It can manifest in quite an aggressive way because they haven't really given themselves the time to think about what it really means for them. I mean, you know, kind of, I think kind of...

a kink coming out is very similar to a sexuality coming out. There is like this inner coming out and an outer coming out. So this inner coming out is really kind of what is your own relationship with

with the things you're into and then as a second step you talk to other people about it and then find out how they behave and loads of people will be super okay and super open but some people might be just assholes and you have to be aware. Yeah, I have a question as someone who is privileged to not have had to come out about my sexuality because it's assumed that you're straight until told otherwise. Is there a bigger acceptance maybe in the gay community that you will have kinks because

you've already kind of come out as the non-mainstream and I'm doing like, you know, bunny ears, sexuality. Does it open you up to those worlds a little bit more than maybe straight? Oh yeah, definitely, definitely. Because, you know, this whole straight, straight jacket falls away. So you really have to look for your own definitions of how you want to live your life, you know, and that goes with relationships. That's why a lot of gay people, they are in more troubles or have open relationships. Yes. Because, you know,

They've already gone away with that traditional idea. Exactly. You kind of, if you say no to the traditional definitions of how sex should be like, of how a relationship should be like, and that's why the queer community, they just have to find their own answers. And that's why they're kind of, I think, or we are, sorry. Yeah, I was going to say, you're part of that. I include myself in this community.

much more open to trying things. That, of course, doesn't go for all the people. I know kind of, I've been to a gay wedding once and it was the most heteropatriarchal event I've ever been to.

Well, there's no one size fits all. Exactly. We're talking in generalizations here, by the way, guys. That's what we tend to do. Yeah, so really kind of check in how comfortable you are with this and then start with the kinks you're comfortable with. Because once you kind of, you know, radiate that...

inner stillness in a happiness with whatever you're talking about this will affect your partner and then even though your partner might not have tried it or might not be so into it they might be willing to try it out with you because you're okay with it and you're into it and i think this will be an interesting conversation with the person you're dating because you can really see okay how are they behaving towards it what are the experiences they had are they really new to kink or do

do they find it really funny and are they really open about it? And, um,

So you just take it from there, bring up the conversation, and then it's on you to experiment with your partner because with every person it will be different. And that's kind of the beauty of kink, that it's different with every person, that different things work for every person. And also that something that makes you kinky compatible may not be relationship compatible. So maybe seeing difference in the play and the long-term prospect. It's okay to just play. It's okay to just play, yeah.

I love that. We should put that on a t-shirt. Yeah, so that's basically from a single person's back. Let's hand it over to the relationship woman. And I do not speak for all people in relationships, obviously, as you do not speak for all single people. So some people come into relationships with an awareness that they have a kink or that they are kinky and they want to explore it. But

But they often will not bring it up because at the beginning of a relationship, you're still not always your full self. You're still kind of... This is so true. You're still trying to keep being like, I'm kind of perfect.

We'll never fight. We all know that first fight after the honeymoon period, that is a tough one to bear. You know, I'm just, because you know about my breakup, I talked about it in former episodes, but I'm just starting dating again. And it's so true, kind of, you know, because I'm in a moment, at a moment in my life that I feel so in tune with myself. And look at me changing when I'm around love interests.

Happens really so fast. Never have a bad mood. So I think people will be scared to bring it up because they're scared that they'll be shamed, that it's embarrassing, that the person will think it's weird. Or they just won't get it.

And then there's also other people that come to relationships that aren't kinky, but with the right partner, they will discover their kinks. So I think that there's always room to explore with another person, but you can't assume that they're already kinky. You might have to leave them a little bit. Yeah. So it always comes down to what we always talk about, which is trust and honesty, communication, and non-judgment. I think the judgment is the thing that gets in the way of relationships a lot.

Why do you think that is? Why do you think people are judgmental in relationships? I think it's very vulnerable when you talk about a fetish. I think the fact that mainstream society does still stigmatize it so much. And depending on your fetish, you know, like a little bit of spanking, let's be honest, it's not such a hardcore one. It's something that you see actually in mainstream films as well. I think when you're going into more fetish spaces where it might be something that is quite misunderstood...

it's very difficult to broach that topic with someone. Yeah. Do you think also sometimes judgment might come from fear in a way that when my partner tells me about something they are into and I might have this fear because of all the stigma, you know, oh my God, what does this make of this person? Are they really a completely different person than I thought they were? Am I someone that could be with someone that's into that? Oh,

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Because I might also have this fear of losing kind of, I don't know, this kind of social class or whatever kind of a certain idea that people have of me. I think we have this internalised judgment, all of us. So it is really about unlearning those things. Fuck the shame away. Right? Yeah.

So I have a kind of a small guide that I think we could all learn from because if you feel like your fetish is an essential part of your sexuality, ultimately it will be thinking if this relationship is for you. That will be the kind of ultimate thing. But there are steps before we get there. So don't you worry.

So at first I would say brush up on your knowledge about your fetish. Find a community, go online, there are lots of resources out there. Even meet up with people in your community to really get a hold on your fetish so that you haven't just been there thinking about it on your own constantly. Also to not feel alone and lonely with it. Totally. But know that there's others like you and you're really cared for. Absolutely. There's lots of online spaces, for example, fetish.com. Oh, fetish.com. Imagine that. Yeah.

So I would say that will prepare you for the conversation. Then I would say come up with a plan. Do not blurt it out over the dinner table or specifically in a sexual situation. Because I think if it comes up in a sexual situation where it just comes out,

the person will feel quite pressured and it will not go the way you had planned. I actually wrote that down as well. I just forgot about it. That's such a good point. I also have a question here because, of course, for this little podcast episode, I read up online a lot of articles and some of them said...

maybe try watching porn with people where that comes up. But do you think that sometimes it might seem a bit forced? I wouldn't like that personally. I just thought, you know... I also read up on this as well and I saw that being like, do you like that? And I would feel like this is premeditated. Exactly. I'm not sure I would really like that. I would rather have a conversation first. And I said, okay, before we try it, we could watch porn about it. I would be okay with that. But I'm just thinking about...

I think what you have to remember is that if you've been thinking about this fetish a long time, for you, it's already in there. It's in your mind. But this might be the first time your partner's ever even heard of this or thought about it. That's such a good point. Yeah. So you really have to give them time to get their head around even having the conversation. Because you have been on this whole journey already. Exactly. And I think depending on your communication style, you might want to have a bit of humour. Yeah.

You might be very matter of fact person. It's all about how you communicate with your partner. You will have to decide how you bring that up. And I did have that you could lead your partner to online resources or show them films. But I think you would want to have the conversation first. I would not do the, oh, here's an article. Imagine that. I would be that I this is my personal opinion. I would be very upfront about your intentions.

Then I would say sort of share your insights, share your knowledge. If the person's seeming quite curious about it, I would then inform them a little bit more about it. Because you hopefully have done the work of finding out more, going to a community. And then you can say, well, you know, it's not strange, this fetish. Actually, lots of people are into it. Yeah. Do you think it's also important to say how...

Or a good thing to say how important this fetish is for you. Because it might just be something you would just like to try, but some people, you know... Yeah, exactly. I think it's really, you have to do that work of seeing how important it is to you. Because some people, I've actually put this further down, but a kink is something that they can take or leave. Like, it's something they like, but they can live without. Some people, their life will not be fulfilled until they fulfill these fantasies. So, if

it really depends on you as a person and where you're coming from with it. I would also then lean into their fantasies. I would say, have you ever thought about Kings? Do you have anything you'd like to try? Because it's really not all about you, remember? Yeah.

As much as you think it is. That might be really good relationship advice. It's not all about you. And then I would say, really be honest. You know, if you're worried about being rejected or they think your kink is particularly extreme or it really is a core part of your sexuality, it doesn't help to lie about that at this stage.

you know you brought it up yeah be honest about how important it is and if it's not that important maybe you can just got it honesty is also one of these basic relationship concepts so now i have a fork in the road which is if your partner's into it and if they're not so if your partner is into it i would say first of all go slow i just i thought you'd say go for it go for it go for it be free no go slow

So if you go in all guns blazing immediately, I think that your partner could find it very overwhelming. They might not like it if you go in too hard. It might be a build up. So if you have a fantasy, for example, about bondage, why not try with some handcuffs first? Try tying up to the bed. Going into shibari hardcore is probably not going to be your best bet, but it is something that you could probably work up to.

So just see how it goes and also really be checking in with your partner about if they're enjoying it. Because if they don't, then that's kind of gay. And that's another thing, keep their needs in mind. So maybe you will have to go back to some vanilla sex every now and then to keep it balanced. It might be arranging that. Sometimes you arrange a BDSM scene or you play with fetish and sometimes you do what they want, which might be more vanilla sex. Yeah.

and you know having that communication I mean I think we also had this with some of the couples who were on Spanky Next that also BDSM is work and it's time and you don't it's money it's money so you don't always have the opportunity for it and sometimes you just you want to kind of cuddle up with your partner honestly coming from the relationship aspect finding time to even have sex can be difficult especially I don't have kids I don't even know what it would be like to have that kind of responsibility how do people with kids do it yeah I don't know and I think it would be a lot of

organization because you can't just rely on having time all the time

Okay, then I have if your partner's not into it. The sadder of the scenarios. The sad scenarios. Not really sad, but like, it's all we've been talking about. It's work out how important it is to you. Yeah. Is it something you can live without? Is the relationship more important than kink? Or is the kink more important than the relationship? Exactly, Regal. Exactly, Regal. Because for some people, they may feel it's totally unfulfilling to not explore kink. And that is okay.

and then i would say see if you can compromise you know there are many ways to engage in kink it often as we talk about it it's actually not sexual contact it's more let's say you have a fetish it's not traditional sex while it is sensual it's not the idea of like cheating may not be as strong as say having sex with someone else are you like kind of saying that a

Finding ways of how to adapt the relationship to make space for the kink, even if one of the partners is not interested.

That's so interesting that penetration is like the last stronghold. But I think a lot of people would forgive cheating if it's a kiss or even a little hand chop. But then it comes to penetration, especially straight couples, it's kind of over. Once the penis goes into the vagina, it's all over. That's it.

And then further to that, talk about maybe opening up your relationship. If there is a scenario where consensual non-monogamy would work, an open relationship so you can both get what you need...

And then if that doesn't work, you know, it would be talking about whether the relationship can last. Yeah. You know what I so loved is how so many of these topics or themes like communication, honesty, they are like expressions of the overall relationship dynamic. And so kink is just one aspect of all of that. Absolutely. It's kind of how you communicate and how...

If you trust each other, I'm sure you can come to some sort of arrangement. But at the same time, it might just not work and it's time to call it quits. And that's okay. It's not a failure. There are many reasons relationships don't work. And this is just perhaps one of them. Oh, totally. Yeah. So really just be honest with yourself what you need in a relationship. And what you might do if you don't get it. Because I think you can say you're fine with not being kinky. But will it drive you to do things that will ultimately ruin the relationship anyway? Yeah.

Such a good point. Preach, preach. I mean, I've seen that quite a few times on our website where people have posted, say, in the forum in desperation that they're in a vanilla relationship and they don't know what to do because the person is really not into it. Yeah, I think there's still this idea that we kind of have to make it work at all costs.

But I really think you can love a person but decide that this is not what works for you. I guess, going back to the parent thing, there's that pressure to stay together that a lot of parents do for many reasons. This is probably one they think, well, this is not worth breaking up over. Whether you get spanked at night is not more important than keeping the family together. But maybe, actually, it is. Yeah, controversial. Controversial hot take. Yeah.

So I think that was it for me. Anything else? No, that was it for the episode. Let us know what you think because obviously we're just two people navigating our world. Let us know if there's any advice that you have, any experience you've had. We'd love to hear it and we can talk about it on the next episode. Yeah, we really want your feedback. Just message us on Instagram at spankuneticspodcast. If

If you like this podcast, and we hope you do, just follow us on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. Give us a rating there and share this episode. Absolutely. And we have a new Twitter handle as well. We haven't been that active yet.

I got it yesterday. No, maybe last week. But it is at Spanky Next Pod. We're going to be tweeting out everything and also probably asking a bit more questions on there because I think it works a bit better than Instagram. Instagram's very, you know, image focused. Yeah. We want to hear your hashtag hot takes. And we want your guide on the internet, Anna. That's kind of, we'll be posting this because this is good stuff. Yeah, we'll post some show notes and we'll see you for another episode probably in a couple of weeks. See you then. Keep it kinky. Keep it kinky. Bye.

If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe to Spanky Next on Spotify, Apple or wherever you get your podcasts. You can also follow us on Instagram at Spanky Next Podcast. If you'd like to connect with people who share your kinks, sign up to Fetish.com for free or download the Fet app from Google Play Store and App Store now.

And for any one of you who's looking to deepen their knowledge of kink, head to the BDSM training school on fetish.com and enroll in a course now. And last but not least, shout out to our producer, Billy Cragen, our kinky team, and everyone who makes this podcast possible.