Mailbag: We answer your kinky questions
25:12 Share

Hello and welcome everybody. This is your favorite Fetish and BDSM podcast, Spank You Next. It's the first episode of the year.

My name is Gregor and I'm here in the studio with my good friend Anna. Hey Anna. Hello Gregor, it's good to hear you from the far off land. So anyone that is, you know, anyone that's a fan of the podcast will know that we usually live in Barcelona together. When I say together, we don't live together. Together. But we live in Barcelona.

But Gregor, tell everyone where you are and what you're doing. Yeah, I said we're here in the studio together, but that's not right. We're really, really far apart. I'm currently in India, in the south of India, in a city called Mysore because I'm doing like a little yoga holiday in this city that's very famous for its yoga tradition. And I'm here getting up very early to do my yoga practice. And yeah, so...

I hope this episode recording works out. The internet connection is a bit unstable at times, but yeah, let's not jinx it. At the moment, it seems to be good. Yeah, it seems okay. When we first started, it was not okay. So let's see how this goes.

But yes, welcome to Spank U Next. It's January 2025. I keep writing 2024, so I haven't got it in my hand that it's a new year yet. This always happens, yeah. Doesn't it? And this is the first new content we're putting out in January.

So if you're new to the podcast, we are a kinky podcast. We talk all things fetish and BDSM. We often sit down with a sex positive guest, someone in the kink scene to talk about their area of expertise or interest. But then we also do other kind of short form episodes. And today we've got something different in store. We do this maybe biologically.

Once every two years, is it Gregor? A mailbag episode. But yeah, welcome to new listeners this year and hi to our devoted listeners. We know you're out there. Yeah, we thought we'd start off this year with a little mailbag because last week was just International Fetish Day. So we thought it would be a good opportunity to check in with you, our listeners, talk a little bit about International Fetish Day and

and answer some questions from our listeners who reached out to us on the fetish.com forum. And before we get started, we should shout out our sponsor and partner fetish.com and the Fet app, an online kinky community for BDSM dating. There's a forum, there's a magazine. It's basically an all-in-one hub for anyone into kink, the kink curious.

And so we've got a lot of listeners from there recently. So hi to you guys. You can also find me and Gregor on the platform. My name is Anna Liu, my username, and Gregor, yours is Jordy Star, I believe. Yes, just reach out to us. We're always happy to hear from you. Or you can also just tag us in the forum there. Maybe at this point, I should also say that you could find us on Instagram at Spanky Next Podcast. So shall we kick things off?

things off Gregor with our first new episode of January 2025 let's not linger any longer anybody who celebrated we wish you a very happy International Fetish Day and with this we go straight into the episode with

A decent worry from one of our listeners from fetish.com user who wrote in with the question, am I a bad sub? Okay, this user. Interesting. Yeah, it's a big one. I think it's important for our audience to know that I actually haven't seen these questions from listeners and users on fetish.com. So I'm also with you hearing them for the first time.

It's true. They're all curated by me, yours truly. And so this is all new for Anna. And we'll see what enlightened answers we come up with. This user writes, am I a bad sub? I recently had a bad interaction on a kinky dating website. They were cute at first. I had a playful, bratty response. Then the guy calls me a bitch. After stating I don't want to be degraded, he says that if I'm good, then he won't do it.

He then proceeds to tell me I'm not a real sub and I shouldn't be on here.

I'm just overwhelmed with this encounter. I need some advice, please. Okay, wow. Okay. This is a woman, I assume. So the idea is that Dom thinks that if she doesn't want to be degraded, she's not a good sub or that she shouldn't even be calling herself a sub. So I think that's like misguided because being a sub can be so many things. Not everyone is into degradation.

A lot of the time it could be just, you know, performing housework for someone. And that's their way of expressing being a sub. So it doesn't always come with degradation. What do you think, Rebo? Yeah, really with you this. Also, we have to remember here that power play or dom sub play usually is confined to very specific play times.

especially if you are newly engaging with a person. So when you're writing on a kinky dating website, you're usually still not in your roles. You're just reaching out to somebody, getting to know them and finding out how you could potentially play together. So I'm really sorry for this listener that they had this interaction because I can't imagine how disturbing it was.

So rest assured, you did nothing wrong. You're not a bad sub. You're a decent human being. And this was just a little bit of small talk and getting to know each other and stating your limits in a message is completely okay. Yeah, exactly that. You're totally right about the fact that when you're meeting someone, you're sort of still in the negotiation phase. You're still in an exploratory phase.

you don't really know what each other are into you shouldn't expect to be off the bat go into subspace anyway you know it should be very well defined what you're going to do and how you're going to play so I would yeah very much echo what Gregor says in the fact that you did nothing wrong and actually it sounds like they are the person that shouldn't be as welcome on the site as someone that you

knows this and knows their boundaries. I just remember a while ago we did one episode on kinky online dating. Maybe you want to give that episode a listen because we also talk about some tips and some red flags in the episode that can help you when it comes to managing online dating.

Should we go to the next? Let's do it. So this one is a bit, I think, you and me, Anna, we're not experts in this area, but let's just give it a go. The next one is, how does polyamory differ from non-monogamous? In the past...

Like before poly was even a thing, I had been in many relationships that were not exclusive. Some went well, some not so much, but that's to be expected. However, if I truly cared about the person, I would maneuver to an exclusive relationship or break it off. What my question is, in a poly relationship,

where do the feels factor in and is that helpful not to extend those feelings in all relationships you're maintaining okay that's a really on trend kind of question i would say yeah obviously we've been talking a lot about poly and ethical non-monogamy in the culture at large i

I think it's interesting the first question of what is the difference between polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. The first thing that came to my mind was that polyamory might suggest that you are having multiple relationships. Like the amory part is, you know, amorous love. That kind of maybe infers that there are feelings there. So someone might be in a throuple, someone might have two partners, three partners or something. And maybe ethical non-monogamy is more like

it can include everything from relationships to just hookups as well. Like you're just, you're not monogamous and that can be just the whole broad range of, you know, non-monogamy. I,

I think you're right on point there. At the beginning of this summer, I was seeing a polyamorous guy twice. It was really interesting, but he was also really annoying because he made the whole polyamory thing. Yeah, he made it his whole personality. Yeah, well, that does happen, doesn't it? And then at one point I was just, yeah, I get it. I get the concept.

no need to kind of keep talking about it, you know, that's just to go with the flow. But you were okay with it, Gregor, or what? Like you were on board and...

and that was fine or he kept bringing you up because you were uncomfortable no I was actually super okay because I I mean I wasn't actually looking for something serious and I told him that because I'd just broken off a relationship so I said yes you know I'm not really looking for relationships or anything kind of long-term or serious um and I hope that's okay with I was also being very honest I said I hope that's okay with you I'm just yeah

you know, something light too, a little bit of distraction. That was what I was looking for. But you mean like the way he was approaching it was more like he had made his whole life about it in a way? Totally, yeah. And he was also, because my worry is always that when you engage in a polyamorous relationship, that it takes up so much time and energy.

And I really had this feeling with this guy that how he thought about it, how much energy he spent on it, consumed a rather big part of his life. I mean, I don't want to judge polyamorous relationships. I'm sure that there's loads of people out there who do it amazingly well, but this was just a little detail I noticed. Yeah, I have actually something to add to that because, I mean, if you're a listener of the pod...

You will know that I am sort of doing a sex therapy course, maybe with the eye to become, you know, a fully fledged sex therapist in a few years. And I'm in this course with a lot of people who are polyamorous, ethically non-monogamous, you know, a very progressive space, basically, of people who have all sorts of different ways of living their sexuality and their relationships.

and we had this whole discussion about polly and why certain people are against him why some people are for it and at the end of the day a lot of people that were like i'm not polly it was just because they're too lazy and i put myself in this bracket i just don't have what it takes to do all the work i just you know it's a lot of communication it's a lot of navigating things you know checking in i just don't want to do it even though of course i would

you know, every person would love to sort of, you know, be able to step outside their relationship in all sorts of ways. So I thought it was interesting that I actually think that's what puts a lot of people off is the amount of space it takes up. Totally. And I really get that. And I think I fall into the same category of lazy people. Oh,

Yeah, exactly. And just, you know, like it's like no polyshame. I actually think it makes someone really, really have done the work on themselves to get to a place to be able to sit in jealousy, to be able to communicate in these amazing ways. I really am. I admire it. It's a massive flaw of mine that I couldn't even do it because I just couldn't give it the time and energy. Yes.

So second part of the question, what was at the end, Grover? Could you reread it? Yes. I think it was, okay, let's just reread it. However, if I truly cared about the person, I would maneuver to an exclusive relationship or break it off. What my question is,

is in a poly relationship, where do the feels factor in? And is it helpful not to extend those feelings in all the relationship you're maintaining? I think it's a really good question. Yeah. I understand like polyamory, like kind of, okay, sometimes, you know, there's like a hierarchy where there's one nesting partner and then there's other partners. But generally, the idea is that you can extend love to more than one person.

Whereas non-monogamous is often just about the sex part. So it's more like an open relationship where sexual actions are also possible with other people.

But sex and intimacy are very often the vehicle through which we really get to know other people and through which we start developing feelings and emotions. So they might in a lot of times lead to something more serious. Preach, preach, preach. I totally agree. And what I would also pick up on is why when you get feelings, would you then make it exclusive? I mean, I get it. Is that the like...

sort of the drive that we all have to sort of lock things down. We get a little bit more possessive when we catch feelings, the jealousy of thinking about them going with someone else, you know, all those things. But if you are really into polyamory and being open, I don't think that catching feelings necessarily means you have to be exclusive suddenly. So I would also wonder why, like, as soon as this person catches feelings that they feel the need to, you know, be monogamous. So I think I don't have the answer.

I just wonder why that that is always the case for them. I think I have something really good to close this question off. We said kind of it's amazing if somebody manages being a polyamorous relationship to, you know, be so in tune with themselves that they can do it.

But as we also said, it's also a bit like a trending phenomenon. So a lot of times people expect you to be okay with an open relationship. And I'm saying this and I just asked this guy who's really amazing and who I'm dating for an open relationship. So I kind of, I'm to blame here. Okay, we need to have a private conversation about this because I don't know about this. We'll talk about this after. Yes, yes. So, but I want to say, first and foremost, you should stay true to yourself.

And if you feel safer in a closed relationship, if you want an exclusive relationship, then you should have the courage to ask for that. You shouldn't maintain an open relationship or non-monogamous relationship just because you think that's what the other person wants. So if this is something that you're okay with, go for it. Yeah, no, it never works. And also, it's like what you say, everything is about the intention behind it and what's driving you to do it. You know, it just sounds like...

Why I was picking up on that was that because this person seems to have, throughout many, many years, had open relationships. But when they became more serious, like, shut it down. But, you know, a lot of the times I've seen poly happen, and this is anecdotal, it's because a relationship is kind of in peril. It's a way of spicing things up. It's like a last resort to save something. One person wants it more than the other, so you go along with it not to lose them.

I would say nine times out of ten, that does not work. I think it's all about your intention behind it. And if you really aren't comfortable with it, then you have to have that difficult conversation with your partner and say, you know, this is just not what I want. You don't have to do it because someone else asked you to. 100%. Should we go on to next? Yeah, I think we closed that topic. Okay. The next one, I think it's a quick one, but I found it kind of interesting.

It says, I bite. Is it a kink? I bite. So my friend and I go to sexy events together. This is kind of basic. I'm reading what you people write. I'm not making things up. So my friend and I go to sexy events together. She is more known and has made connections. This has shown me firsthand on how many people get mean when they're told no.

This usually boils down to them throwing at us insults, name-calling and such. Very common. What?

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so we're speaking apparently about like sex parties. Sounds like a really hostile sex party. Yeah, really hostile sex party. So one of the girls, she's really well known in the scene and the other one is more like her companion. So apparently people get mean when you tell them no. Okay, now it gets interesting. I have found out I love putting these a-holes in their place. It's like a rush.

Adds to the experience. My friend has nicknamed me the guard dog for this very reason. Okay. I tell people now, I bite. Either the fun way or the not so fun way. Now my question is, is this considered a kink? Also, if it is a kink, what would this constitute me as? Would this constitute me as a sadist?

Okay, interesting. My thing is like they bite because they're reacting to people being not nice to them. First thing I think is if they are going to bite, is it consensual? Because it sounds like it's as a reaction in anger. The second would be that it seems like the kink is getting off on people degrading them. I don't know if degradation is the right word, but being mean to them. And that is a kink, right? It's a humiliation and things like that.

that I would say they'd be more like a sub rather than a sadist. I don't know what you think. Sub or sadist. Yeah, honestly, first, I agree with you. There's like loads of emotions there. Like, hmm, this doesn't necessarily sound like a healthy scene. No, it doesn't. I don't want to fucking go to that place. I also have kind of this feeling that also kind of the guard dog. And so maybe it comes really from this need to be really protective of the friend and

And then also kind of of this feeling of putting people into their places. So really kind of also this feeling of power. Yeah, because my first initial read was that like they're loving the fact, they're almost getting off mostly on the fact that people are disparaging against her. But then you're right that the like reaction is more one of like aggression and wanting to like sort of have power.

But then it's like the whole dog thing is it like a primal thing like primal play? It's an interesting one because I think the drive comes from a more sort of submissive place a more sort of humiliation place but the reaction

is more one of like territorial protective nature. I also have the feeling that the biting is like secondary. That it's really all about the kind of, you know, putting limits to other people and protecting your friends. I mean, they're kind of like a dog. They come into your space and if they're uncomfortable, they bite. So it's an, yeah, I agree with you. I kind of even forgot about the biting thing because they shouldn't bite probably. Yeah.

without asking if that's okay especially in a sex setting but yeah I think what I would say is it's more of a I don't know if I would say it's a sadist thing I have to say because I think they're more reacting to people humiliating them than inflicting the pain or the power themselves from the first place I 100% agree and this is where we say spank you next

Yes. Okay, the final one, is it? Yeah, you will love this one. This one I picked especially for you. Oh my God, is it about topping from the bottom? It is. I knew it. Okay. How do I get my subs to spank me? Okay. I am a dom, but I do have some switch tendencies, especially in the S&M or top and bottom spaces. Sometimes...

I crave to be tied up to a bed and get my brain spanked out of me without relinquishing my dom status. Years ago, I talked my sob into doing it and into some other top activities. Shy smile, hush hush. That's what they wrote. Later on, she said she was disgusted and would never do it again.

That session put a strain on our relationship and we finally broke up. A year ago, I tried to talk my new sub into similar activities. She reluctantly did some, but this time I felt that it was time to stop. The sub was not into it at all. Note that I'm not looking for a new partner or for a dom. It's just that sometimes in capitals,

I want to feel as much pain as my subs, preferably even more. The DOM is supposed to be harder than the subs by definition. Can you give me any advice? Oh, it's a tough one. I'm wondering if the desire comes from wanting to know what their sub feels.

like they say like I want to experience the pain that my sobs do is it from maybe it gets them off feeling like you know experiencing it and then knowing what they're going to do so they're like when they're doing it as a dom they can really like experience like be like I know what it feels like because it sounds like they're really against the idea that they might be a switch I

I have the same feeling. And, you know, kind of, I really like what I read at the end. I really like this whole thinking theory that the Dom is supposed to be harder than the Saab and he should be able to take more than the Saab. But let's quit the bullshit for a moment. I think, and I'm really sorry for this and I'm sorry if I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like

you have to get through the mental coming out of maybe being a switch. No, exactly. I think there's a real kind of block there. Also, I have to disagree with the idea that the Dom is harder than the Sub.

Because who is usually taking the pain? The subs. And I would argue they are a lot harder than the people that are inflicting it. Thank you so much for putting a foot down for the subs out there. Yeah, totally. I agree. Yes, you are taking it. And, you know, I think it would be wrong to say that the doms are like, you know, sort of harder and made of stronger stuff. Because, you know, I think it's easier to administer stuff than to take it.

Also kind of really kind of he talks about this one experience where he kind of basically forced the sub to dominate him and the sub said she was disgusted and would never do it again. I really get this. I totally get that. This is not why she was here for. And yeah, so don't force subs to be domed. That's not what they signed up for.

That's it, that's the thing, then you didn't, it sounds like, oh, you, I got you into like, you know, the room or whatever. We usually do this, but this time I really want you to do the exact opposite.

it feels like that really needed a conversation to really understand if the person was okay with it. And if they, I mean, maybe disgust is kind of harsh, obviously, but if they're really not into it and they're really turned off by it, then don't do it. Yeah. I'm not sure I have much more advice for this person other than to just accept that you're a switch and be okay with it. Be okay with it. And that's also what we're here for with this podcast. Just

helping you a little bit to accept whatever you're into and be okay with it as long as it doesn't really harm anybody or is against the law. Yes, exactly. Exactly. That is what we are here for. We're here to keep you all in check and also to make you accept yourself and accept your kicks.

That was a really nice start into the new year, 2025. Yeah, I loved hearing that. Like, we always love hearing from you. So if you always want to send us, you know, questions, we will answer them throughout the podcast. So we won't do these episodes all the time, but we will answer your questions, especially each episode. We might, you know, be like, oh, someone wrote to me and blah, blah, blah. So make sure you're reaching out to us on Instagram. That's probably the best place, right, Gregor? Yeah, it's the fastest because we are on our phones all the time, let's face it.

Thank you for reading them out so eloquently, Gregor. I really enjoyed it. And until next time, keep it kinky. Keep it kinky. Keep it kinky.

If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe to Spanky Next on Spotify, Apple or wherever you get your podcasts. You can also follow us on Instagram at Spanky Next Podcast. If you'd like to connect with people who share your kinks, sign up to Fetish.com for free or download the Fet app from Google Play Store and the App Store now.

And for anyone of you who is looking to deepen their knowledge of kink, head to the BDSM training school on Fetish.com and enroll in a course now. And last but not least, shout out to our producer, Biddy Cragen, our kinky team, and everyone who makes this podcast possible.