Ep#03: 5 Love Languages - Understand Other People's Needs
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Before I ended up the relationship, I said the exact same thing to my ex. I don't feel you love me anymore. Because like I can't receive the love language he was expressing. That's something like you can feel it. But by then, I don't know how to talk to him about it. Because I only say that sentence, but I didn't have a deeper conversation with him about it.

So when you, when girls were like, when boys, you ever have the same feeling, really think about what you want, why you feel that way, and how you can like be as a couple to solve that. Hi everyone, welcome to Bei Qiang Nan Diao, aka Cultural Coalition. I'm Melody. I'm Victoria. And today we'll be talking about the five languages.

So recently a friend shared me an article about this and which really got me thinking. So we want to bring this topic to you all to discuss what is five love languages and what does it mean for you? So love languages is actually a book written by Gary Chapman. The full name of the book is Five Love Languages, The Secret to Love That Lasts. So the first one is five.

Words of affirmation. How I see this word of affirmation is actually means you have someone to affirm, to contain affirmation, right? To contain anything you say and to say anything like to say you are beautiful, saying you are doing this right, saying you're always good. And that is one of our important factors in a relationship.

And then the second one is gift giving. So maybe during the holidays, during special occasions such as Valentine's Day or Christmas, some people prefer to receive love by receiving gifts. Yeah. And the third one is spending quality time. So I think that actually is very important, right? Like it's not just like because when we are in a relationship, we spend a lot of time together watching a movie or just like

having a drink, having a dinner or lunch, but actually what is quality time? It's like, Julie, you can talk about and fully a hundred percent dedicated into this person or this time. So that's quality time.

Another type of love language is physical touch. So it could be holding hands, cuddling, kissing, just, you know, any element where you're feeling connected towards another person by actually having this physical connection and touch.

And finally, it's acts of service. This is actually my preferred love language where somebody is doing something for you without your needing to ask for it. Acts of service is recognizing a gap in which your partner is having and meeting that need.

Yeah, you know what, Melody, even though I was in a long relationship, I feel happy most of the time. But I never thought about like, what is the five love languages, right? And what is something I really valued? And what is my like, the significant others really valued? So as older, it is like, what's your priorities?

Yes. So I've taken these exams before. And for my love languages, number one would be acts of service. Number two is quality time. Number three is words of affirmation. Fourth is physical touch. And fifth is gift giving. How about yourself?

Well, the different orders, right? Like I can't be sure which is top one, but I think spending quality time and also physical touch are like two most important factor to me. And the third one will be act of service. Fourth one will be gift giving. And the last one, it'll be the words of affirmation. But recently I just realized like the words of affirmation really makes you happy. So I probably need to like, I think this order is,

will change, right? Like when you grow older, well, like with time changes, your order changes. Well, like when you're being with different person like this also changes. So yeah,

Yeah, it's very interesting. Yeah, I think that's a really good point of like, depending on the location that you're currently in your whole entire situation, the type of love that you need in that moment is very different. And so the past few years, I was in Beijing, China for the first time. And it was just a completely new experience for me. I was very

unfamiliar with the whole environment. Even though I'm ethnically Chinese, I haven't actually lived in China before. And, you know, the culture in Beijing and culture in Taiwan is also very different. And so one of the main challenges I faced was definitely VPN. I couldn't access half of the websites that I was very familiar with.

very used to navigating when I was back in the US. And so when I first moved to Beijing, I was very frustrated. I couldn't pay for anything, number one, because nobody was accepting cash. Everybody was using WeChat Pay. And it took me about three months to get my bank account set up.

And so that was a challenge. But then second, I wasn't able to access a lot of the websites I wanted to access. For example, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, you know, things that just gives me some pleasure and allows me to relax during my free time. And so what I really appreciated about my ex, who was not in China at the time, he downloaded all of my

favorite YouTuber videos each week and would just send them to me in a zip file. And so each week I would still be able to watch YouTube kind of like live whenever my favorite YouTubers would post their videos online. And so that's a way, that's an act of service that I really appreciated at the time. That was one because I couldn't access the internet.

Second, because I couldn't actually order food because I didn't have a bank account, he would also make me for me to my place because I couldn't do me. You know, and so that's like I really, really appreciated that. And so I realized when I was in China in such a foreign environment where I wasn't familiar with anything and I really needed somebody to support me in these aspects. Access service was like number one to me.

Yeah, I feel like it's so warm to you can you can talk about your ex in this like appreciation and so sweet of him like sending you the downloaded YouTube channels. Yeah, like I didn't think about that as active service. I would rather take is a gift like something like a gift like right gift giving but also like that can be an active service because he really dedicates time to download and send it to you and is what you need at the moment, right? Yeah.

Yeah, which got me thinking about my ex. I think he really spent a lot of good quality time with me and he really respect anything I do. And he enjoyed like he's not like social person, but I'm a social person. And so he was willing to spend the time with me and together to meet my friends, like our mutual friends.

And when we spend time together alone, like we'll just really have a good conversation. I think that's very important.

Yeah, definitely. I think that's such a good quality and such a good trait. Compromising is always very tough, but the fact that he's willing to like step out of his comfort zone and do this because you find it to be very important to you. I think that's a really good trait. Yeah. Yeah. But also I do realize, I think I realized this after I know about this five languages, because I never thought about this before. Right. So,

I don't think I'm comfortable being honest about what I need in a relationship. So I thought I was happy. I felt like we were happy. I think happy doesn't lie, right? You're truly happy. But just not really think about like so deep because you feel unhappy. So what makes you unhappy? And how like have you talked to your boyfriend, girlfriend, or like husband, wife about this conversation? I think normally we don't. Mm-hmm.

So did you feel like there was a misalignment in your love language with your ex? Yeah. First of all, I didn't realize there's a love language. It's how you express your love, right? Like how you say you love him is different because how you act and how...

he was taking it are different, right? That's the, that's the mutual thing, right? How he act and how I was taking it are not like exactly what I want. I think that's like Chinese culture, like traditional culture, like because even though I'm really open-minded and I'm like, but still I can't really just be honest with myself and talk to other people about it. But I also appreciate this opportunity like to learn this and to share with everybody this idea.

Yeah. How about you? Yeah. My love language was different from my ex's love language because his was, I guess my number two is quality time. And I think his number one was quality time. So that was okay. But physical touch for him was quite high. Whereas for me, it's like number four or something. So that was a little bit challenging, I think, because, you know, in public settings, I think he would like to,

be a little bit more physical. And for me, I didn't feel as comfortable or even in private settings to my physical need was probably not as high as he needed. And so when it was long distance, it was quite difficult. So I ended up staying in China and he moved back to the States. And so we were a long distance for over half a year.

And because his love language is physical touch and the mind was acts of service, as well as quality time, those were things that we weren't able to really hit and align with. And so I think that ultimately ended our relationship. The fact that

we weren't able to meet each other's needs anymore. And neither of us were willing to continue making the effort in order to meet the other person's needs. And so an understanding of what your love language is, what other people's love language is, and how willing you are to show them the love that they need is very important to keep a relationship going.

Yeah, I think it's great. Like you two both know each other's five love languages, right? So you know what his order and he knows what your order. And that's already amazing things. It's like, if you want to make the effort, then you can keep the relationship. Just like, but also long distance relationship is so hard. It is. Yeah.

But everything ended very well. Nothing ill because nothing bad happened, right? We started off as really good friends, ended up traveling the world and experiencing really cool things together. And it was just a matter of distance and not really being aligned in our overall direction that ended the relationship. So it's okay.

Yeah, that's nice. It's really hard in this time to end a relationship. It's just peaceful. People have something great. We both agree we can't continue this relationship and we should both move on. But we still can be good friends. I think that's really hard to do.

But we still haven't talked in a while. In the very beginning, we would still have to like, but then, yeah, he's in a new relationship now and I wish him the best. And so I don't feel like it's appropriate for me to continue reaching out if I needed support with stuff. Yeah. And also we're still in two separate places. So there's no reason for us to connect.

Yeah, I know. Makes me really like feel warm after you said that, like you wish the best of him, like when he started a new relationship. You know, I think that's the best, the best, the partnership we had, right? And we still have the good relationship as the ex. We can also provide some examples in which there is a misalignment in love language and how that can lead to some kind of miscommunication.

Because maybe, could you share with us maybe your experience or some kind of story where you feel like two different love languages could lead to a clash? And maybe one person is expressing love because that's their love language, but the other person is not.

understanding that that equals love. I can think about the things I, before I ended up the relationship, I said exact same thing to my ex. I don't feel you love me anymore. Cause like I can't receive the love language he was expressing. That's something like you can feel it. But by then I don't know how to talk to him about it. Cause I only say that sentence, but I didn't have a deeper conversation with him about it.

So when you, when girls were like, when boys, you ever have the same feeling, really think about what you want, why you feel that way and how you can like be as a couple to solve that. Which love language do you think is his top?

spend quality time. I think. But like, I don't know if that's true, but I feel like that's what he was. And then remind me, for you, which ranking was quality time? Oh...

I want to say like the first one probably is physical touch. And then the second one is the spending quality time or like, or switch where like, or the first top one is the quality time. And second one is physical touch. I think because love is not, you can see it's not something you can touch, right? How do you feel someone is really in love with you? Right. It's really, they want to spend time with you. And also like the express themselves by physical touch.

Yeah, that's how I take love. Yeah. So yeah, I think this is very important for everyone to kind of understand what their needs are, how they express love, how they want to receive love, because then there could be some kind of misalignment with other people. Right? If I think my mom, she really likes words of affirmation. So yeah,

She also really likes physical touch. Whereas for my dad, he appreciates quality time. And so when they're together and then she takes the time to maybe dress up, she wants my dad to say, wow, you look so beautiful today. Cause then,

It affirms and like it shows that he's recognizing she put in the effort to dress up today. But instead, he doesn't say that because what he's looking forward to is the dinner that they're going to have together at the restaurant, like the conversations that they're going to have. And so in that sense, there's going to be a misalignment, too, because she's going to feel like he doesn't care that I dressed up today to spend time with him.

And then for and then maybe at dinner, she might not be happy because he didn't compliment her. And then he's going to feel bad, too, because during what he was looking forward to was this dinner to spend quality time and have this conversation with my mom. But then she might not be in the best mood at that dinner because she was waiting for the compliment the whole time.

And so then I've let them know about the love languages as well. I said, I think both of your love languages are very different because you are expecting a certain reaction. You're expecting a certain type of connection with somebody, but

Neither of you guys are really meeting the other person in the middle. So this is something that maybe you guys can keep in mind the next time you are trying to show or express or receive love. Just be very communicative in order for you guys to meet each other in the middle. I think it's funny. Like, I think...

I can't say there's like the majority of Chinese men are like your dad, but I feel like that the people like surrounded my friends, like male friends, right? Like, I think the majority of them are don't know how to do the affirmation. It's hard. Like when we grow up at the culture we grow up, we are really hard to express ourselves really hard to tell people like you're beautiful today and you look great today.

I wonder like, how was the, how about the men in the US? I feel like in the States, people do, I think it's the first thing that they say. It's like, oh, you had a great, you have a great smile. Or they say, I like your shirt. Or I think,

Yeah, that's the way that people compliment and greet each other from the start. It's kind of just like commenting on something exterior and then you go on to the next. And so I think in the States, people are quite expressive. Yeah. And that's like a big difference between the people like in the state and in China. Yeah. Like in traditionalist culture. Yeah. That's quite interesting.

Definitely. I think physical touch is also quite open and popular in the States, too, because you see somebody and you just automatically give them a hug, whether or not you're in a relationship or if you're just friends. And so there's already that automatic connection and there isn't that barrier of feeling like, oh, I can't say good things about you and I also can't touch you.

Obviously, you have to have some kind of foundation of a relationship. Otherwise, it's going to be really strange if you're just going around and hugging random people on the street. Yeah. Okay. So I think after sharing of both our like love stories and our relationships, we want half hour listener to think about this. If this five love languages is not new to you. So,

Have you really ever think about it? What's your order? And

Have you talked to your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife about it and to see their order? And see what's the difference between you and her? And how do you want your relationship last? Right? If you want this last. So whatever you want to make. If this is new to you, we're happy to introduce this to you. You want to dive into more into this, you can read the book to really think about it. Let's end our session with three traditional questions we ask.

The first one is how do you feel right now? I feel good because Vic and I, we usually chat every single day because we're also colleagues. But this week, it's Golden Week in China. And so we haven't chatted in a couple of days, like video call. So it's really great to be able to have a conversation with you today. How about you?

Yeah, me too. I feel like good and also calm, like speaking, talking about our past and sharing our stories and to talk about, really talk about five love languages makes me feel like calm. And what is something you are grateful for today? I'm grateful for like everything. So this morning, like after I had a coffee and just like I look up and the weather is amazing in Beijing today, even though it's cold, but like I'm

I'm so grateful of the blue sky today. What about you? I'm grateful for the fact that my family is going to come together today because my cousin's going to the U.S. to work really soon. So I'm actually going to be the only person, only one of the cousins left in Taiwan after this month. And so our whole family is coming together tonight to give him like a send off party. So I'm excited for that.

Oh, that's nice. So what are you energized about? Taiwan's borders have finally opened up. And so I'll be going to Singapore in a couple of weeks. And I'm excited that I do not need to quarantine when I come back to Taiwan. How about you? I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous. Like,

oh I just like I was I was going to say I'm energized about like have a full plan for the rest of day today I'm gonna meet some friends and have like dinner and lunch like shopping with my friends but like I'm so jealous I want someday like China's border is open so I can meet you in Taiwan I can meet you in Singapore and also there's a plenty of the place I want to travel but like

Let's hope. Let's like full of life is full of hope, right? So yeah. A full day of shopping sounds fantastic as well though. All right. Now stay tuned on Wednesdays to chat with us. Also let us know what you're interested in hearing from us each week by commenting below. And we're looking forward to chatting soon. Bye. Bye.