The etiquette of texting
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I was a little bit of a late bloomer in terms of dating. I didn't do it in high school. So when I got to college and started having dalliances and texting with suitors, I didn't know what to say. I remember walking into a friend's room in our freshman dorm with my pink Razor flip phone being like, yeah, he texted me this. Am I supposed to text back, ha ha, that was funny? Or would that be too much? Maybe I should keep him guessing a little bit.

Definitely got an eye roll from the friend. She had boyfriends in high school. Regardless, while texting has gotten easier over the years, I'm more practiced at flirting and I can just leave a little haha reaction now. It's still not straightforward. And I'm talking about not just texting people you date, but also your friends and family and coworkers. You might get dozens of text messages a day with people from across your life, and they might all have different texting styles.

and it's easy to misread someone's tone.

Every single day in our text messages, we are sending a tone and intent, even if we don't intend to. This is Erika Dewan, author of the book Digital Body Language. And in today's age, what was implicit in our traditional body language, the handshake, the head nod, the smile, the hug in person, now must be explicit in our digital body language. Also, you and the people you text might have different expectations for how quickly you should respond. Like,

Like my parents think that if I don't answer them within eight hours, I am probably dead.

Meanwhile, I'm just busy or napping. This topic is something our digital editor, Malika Garib, has been thinking about a lot. And on this episode of Life Kit, she talks to Erica about how to keep your head on straight in this wild world of text messaging. They'll share advice on basic texting etiquette, dealing with tricky texters, people who text too much or not enough, in your opinion, and on when to forget texting altogether and pick up the dang phone.

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As you know, texting is a huge part of our daily lives.

Even right now, I'm like sort of afraid that my phone is going to like zap at any moment alerting on my family chat. What do you think the role that texting plays in our lives and our relationships? Texting is one of the most important forms of how we show love, how we connect, how we share tone and intent in our modern age.

I like to say it's the new family dinner where, especially in group chats, everyone's yelling at the same time. But it is this community gathering in the digital age. Sometimes it's a campfire, right? Sometimes it's connection and sparks. Sometimes it's a bonfire too. But this is a ritual that we have to be able to all be with one another together.

When we're not. Yeah. I would say that my family chat is kind of like the family dinner and my college roommates chat is more like a bonfire. Exactly. The family chat is like the dinner of connection and sparks. The friends chat is like banter. Yeah. Right? It's like the bonfire of banter. Well, this is a personally selfish episode for me because I'm a very bad texter and I would like to have somebody like you who has thought a lot about this, who has written a lot about this,

to sort of help me answer some questions that I have about my own texting habits. I get about 50 texts a day from my family chat, my friends chat. My daycare teacher sends like, I don't know, 20 videos a day, which is actually great. I love that. I check that. But I feel like I can't keep up and I don't even know how to react to things sometimes.

Why is texting such a challenge for some folks? Just like we have different communication styles in person,

whether someone's an introvert or an extrovert, we have different texting styles and behaviors. So similarly with my family chat, there's my mom, who's the over pinger, similar maybe to one of your family members. There's my brother, who's the ghost. You won't hear from him for three weeks and then you'll finally get like a thumbs up. There's, you know, my sister, who sometimes I like to call the fire starter in the family chat. They're

I like to say sometimes I'm the chat captain, but that might be a little too self-congratulatory. Sometimes I'm the fire starter as well. And my dad is a bit of the pacifier. And so just like at a family dinner table, we have these different styles and we often play these different roles and we have different norms around texting etiquette. And that's what makes it hard and difficult. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I don't even know what my norm is. I feel like that's a question. Like, what's my style? What do I like? It's maybe like a love language. Like, what is my texting love language? How do I like to give and receive my texts? It's something that I'm thinking about now as you're talking. I think we all have texting love languages. And so I think what's important now is to remember that we have these different text love languages. And

to try not to overthink it in terms of how we come off and how we engage. So when we're in person with someone, we are able to immediately see their reaction. We can see them smiling back at us, giving us a hug. We know whether they're on the verge of tears or excited.

When we shoot off that text message, we have no idea the situation of someone else receiving that. They could be with a screaming toddler. They could be on a toilet. They could be on a Zoom call. They could be in lots of different situations. And I think a lot of this goes back to almost –

Sometimes with the rise of what I'll call main character syndrome, we feel ghosted if someone doesn't respond immediately to us on text message. And I like to say we have to shift that notion of feeling ghosted on text to the fact that we're all doing what I call triaging. We're all kind of like ER room doctors, triaging multiple different levels of text messages.

What's urgent and important, like a message from a daycare teacher that a child is sick or something happening at work and a meeting is canceled? What could wait one or two days, just like an ERM doctor would send someone back, right? And what can wait a week? What actually needs some time to simmer? And so similarly with text message, we need to get over our reaction that everyone needs to respond immediately and kind of get over our own reaction.

with that and remember that we're all triaging in life and in texting. Takeaway one. Remember, we're all triaging when it comes to texting. Be mindful of other people's style when you text and what they might be managing on the other side of the phone.

What do you do about people, my sister, who just sends you links to TikTok videos all the time? I think I have like 20 unwatched and unacknowledged videos in my text messages from her. And it's like all hours of the day, like 2 a.m., like 5 a.m., 7 a.m. Like it's happening all the time.

And I think that that's her way of showing me her love. So like, I don't want to stop it. But at the same time, I do want to acknowledge it. But my question is, how? A lot of it has to do with you remembering what really matters here. What I would say is if this feels overwhelming, if it's not urgent or super important in that moment...

Let go of this belief that you have to respond to every single message and set a rhythm for yourself. Don't reply to every ping. I would say master the art of the tap back, right? So instead of the, especially in text messages today, we can thumbs up or heart or put an emoji on someone's actual text message versus sending more text messages, right?

This is really important because we get so many messages today. It can feel overwhelming to have to keep scrolling. I am a big fan of the tap back as a signal of acknowledgement. And what it does is it cuts the clutter. It's a reaction. It says it with a tap. It doesn't say it with a novel. Think about how do I want to reply in this? It could be thinking about it as, you know, the post work 5 p.m. quick check-in.

And, you know, one response per day, it could be once a week on Fridays, like finally catching up after a busy work week. Love these. And one message. And that's it. Just acknowledging that she sent all of these different videos. It could be

If you're close and you think she wouldn't mind, it could be just letting her know on a quick phone call. I love the videos, but it's a little overwhelming to get so many in the day. Like, let's do a roundup on Fridays or let's do them on Fridays or Saturdays. And if she's willing, maybe ask for that.

Takeaway two: if someone's sending you a lot of texts and you're feeling overwhelmed, it's okay to just heart a message or respond at a later time. If you're close with the texter, you can also have an open conversation about your different communication styles.

So this is classic me, this next example. I have not responded to a text message, okay, from somebody because I don't have the mental energy at that time. A friend of mine asked if we could get coffee and I like just simply never responded.

And now I want to ask her if I can borrow a potty training toilet from her. Now what do I do? I forgot you, but now I need something from you. First of all, don't feel guilty. We all do this and we've all experienced it on both sides. I would recommend the first thing you do is acknowledge the latest text before you ask the question.

So say, you know, so sorry for the delay, being caught up. And then respond to the coffee date. It could be if you want to have coffee, you know, offer a time. If you don't, say, I would love to do coffee soon. Let me check my schedule. Or just something a little broad that keeps it in the open and keeps acknowledgement. And then go to your question. Because the reality is those that give us some grace are those that,

are showing love in today's digital age, which is an age of constant overwhelming messages. Yeah. So this is really rich. Now I'm going to ask you about how do I get an answer from a very slippery fellow? So I myself am slippery. So then now a slippery person wants something from a slippery person. And so-

I've been trying to ask this other friend if they want to go to a concert with me, and I just keep getting these like non-responses. Definitely. Absolutely. 100%. And it's like, well, then when? Like, are you going to buy the ticket or not? You know, I would say in a situation like this, we have to remember that Claire is kind, to quote Brene Brown, and we have to be direct, right? So there's different types of

of areas that we text. One is just banter, right? Back and forth, humor, casual, fun videos. The second is actually a decision. We have to make a decision. And when it comes to a decision text, we have to actually ask a specific question. Like here, here's, here are the tickets. I'm going to buy them by Tuesday or by tomorrow. Let me know today if you want me to buy you one. And

When it comes to a banter text, it's okay to just be casual. They have no idea that you're on a quote unquote deadline around when to get them. And when it's a decision text, then use it differently. Ask the question. Use the question mark. Make sure it's clear that a response time is needed. And if they don't respond, let it go and move on.

Takeaway three, if there's been a lapse in communication, be direct about it. If you've forgotten to respond to someone's text, apologize for not getting back to them sooner. If you've been trying to get a hold of someone, send a text asking for a specific response. You know, all of this is making me think about my own texting practices. It's like, here I am judging others about their texting habits, yet I am not looking inward. Right.

about my own texting habits. Right. And what are some critical questions we can ask ourselves about like, what can I do to make it better or be more considerate of other people? Yeah. You know, I think the first one is think before you ping, right? Just like you think before you speak or you type. We have to think before we ping. We have to take that extra breath and ask, is this relevant? Is this urgent? Is this best in text message?

And it only takes five seconds, but when we do it, it can make a big difference. Large group chats are not your personal stage. Keep it tight, keep it timely, and make sure you're thoughtful of whether this is a large group or this is a small intimate group.

The second one I would say is take your drama to the DMs. Oh, I remember when I had just had a baby, I was on my first real work trip. I was visiting Boston and I was having dinner with my brother and his wife. And my daughter was staying at home with my husband and the nanny. But I had a lot of guilt about traveling for the first time while she was so young. And we sent a photo. It was me, my brother and his wife to the family chat.

And my sister, who's in a different city, responds and says, where's Kamiya, the name of my daughter?

And I immediately got so angry. I was like fuming, like, how dare you? Are you insinuating something that I'm leaving my daughter? And my sister was just trying to, you know, ask, oh, is she there? Are they meeting them? She had no idea. And I ended up responding in the family chat, being really mad, right? And argumentative. And what I should have done is I should have taken a breath,

I should have side chatted, but I was angry and I felt publicly shamed. So in this case, remember that personal squabbles don't belong in the group. Side chats are your friend and know when, especially if a conversation has died down in a family chat or in a friend's chat, know when to maybe just

have a one-on-one DM. Read the digital room. Read the digital room, exactly. Are there any more best practices? I do think there's a few more things that are really important when it comes to texting etiquette.

One of them is know when to mute, archive, or leave a group chat. And this is a really important one because for many of us, we have so many chats now. We have group chats. We have WhatsApp chats. And it can be overwhelming, right? There's so many different spaces to connect and gather. It's like five different coffee chats at the exact same time.

And so when it comes to this, we have to remember that we choose how we want to engage. And so first and foremost, if there is a chat that is going off all the time, I'll give you an example. I'm on a family chat that's across four continents with my family from India, but there's also people in the US, in Australia, across Europe. So when Indian holidays happen, one of them that just happened is Holi, and I'm on a

I am getting happy holy messages all hours of the day across all time zones. So I remember earlier on when WhatsApp did not have the mute and archive, I was so annoyed. I was way too overwhelmed to be part of this chat. But now I mute it. I archive it. So I'm not seeing it at the top all the time, but kind of like

you know, when I'm on a plane or in a car sort of waiting, it's like my quick coffee drop in to, to my global family. And I'll chime in on something that's most recent and I don't sweat the small stuff. I don't worry that I'm not responding to everyone's birthday wish. Um,

But I am still part of the connection. Now, the other thing that's important is to know also when to leave a group. Now, there's a lot of chats that I'll have from like three years ago when me and my girlfriends went on a trip together. And it's died down. And I like to say if it's been, you know, even three months or six months since you've had any conversation, it's okay to leave the chat. ♪

Takeaway four, there is such a thing as text etiquette in group chats. Don't send unnecessary text messages. If you want to call someone out, do it on a separate text and use your phone's messaging features to your benefit. Mute chats to reduce notifications, exit chats to keep your threads tidy, and heart messages to save the group chat a ping. My last question for you, when do you know when to call? There are three different cases, I would argue, when to call.

The first is when there's a complex sensitive issue where ideally you need to talk it out with someone. You need to share your tone of voice so people know your good intentions around it or your desire for understanding. I remember one time a girlfriend, I said, I can't make a meeting or a gathering. And she was really mad. And she sent me this really triggered message. And

And then I finally said, nope, I need to pick up the phone. And turns out she was upset about something else that had happened months ago but had never brought it up. And it was sort of coming out in a text rage scenario. And so no one to pick up the phone. If I had continued that text message, it would have never have been discussed. There's no amount of emojis that could have solved that situation. When it's complex or sensitive, pick up the phone.

A phone call is worth a thousand text messages. The second factor is when there is some type of sense of urgency where you're not getting the response by text message. So for example, you know, you have a, you have to book something, you know, in the next hour and you still haven't gotten a response from someone and it's quite urgent and it's

You need to get clarity on something. Don't shy away from when a phone call would be better. Now, don't get me wrong. I have friends where if I call them, they think it's an emergency, like someone's actually in the ER. But sometimes that's the signal you want to send, that something is more urgent by a phone call. The third, I would say, is personality style differences. I have friends where...

they're just not good by text message, but they're really great by phone. With them, pick up the damn phone, right? It really makes a difference. I have friends in different cities where we'll have a quick exchange by text message, but it doesn't feel the same, right? I feel disconnected from them. It's every once in a while. It's a quick video. But

But when we get back on the phone together, it's like we're picking up where we left off from college days. Yeah. It's hard to answer like, hey, what's up? How's life been going? I'm like...

I don't have time to answer this question via text, but let's have a phone call. That's right. I think, again, think of text message as it's banter, it's connection, and it's sparks. Yes. It's not necessarily, you know, the deep dive one hour coffee chat. It's like a five minute coffee chat.

Takeaway five. Know when to pick up the phone. If a text thread is getting too complicated, you've got an urgent message, or you just want to catch up with someone, get them on the horn. Okay, well, Erica, I promise to be in my best texting behavior if we ever catch ourselves in a text exchange with each other. Oh, well, regardless, I know that you are texting with your love language, and don't sweat the small stuff. I can't wait to text with you soon. Thank you. Time for a recap.

Takeaway one, be mindful that everyone has a different texting style. Takeaway two, you don't need to respond to every text message you get. Takeaway three, if you forgot to text someone back or you're having a hard time getting someone to text you back, be direct about it. Takeaway four, there are basic rules around text etiquette in group chats. Don't call people out on group chats and use your phone's texting features to manage your messages. Takeaway five, when text messages won't cut it, pick up the phone.

That was LifeKit's digital editor, Malika Garib, in conversation with Erika Dewan, author of Digital Body Language. For more LifeKit, check out our other episodes. We have one on how to spend less time on your phone and another on grocery shopping on a budget. You can find those at npr.org slash LifeKit. And if you love LifeKit and you just cannot get enough, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash LifeKit Newsletter.

Also, we love hearing from you. So if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at lifekit at npr.org. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan. Megan Cain is our supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tegel, Margaret Serino, Sam Yellow Horse Kessler, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Gilly Moon. Special thanks to Nick Layton.

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