#2188 - Adam Ray
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Oh man, what's up baby? Joe Rogan. Good to see you brother. Dude, thanks for having me man. My pleasure. This is a fucking pleasure. How fun was this weekend man? It was insane. It was not since Cher was at the garden has there been so much pandemonium. Bro, when Brian Holtz was screaming about Billy Joel. I love that you're going right to that because I was like how long are we going to wait until we talk about Holtzman isolating the room. He was amazing. He was amazing. Seeing him at the comedy store, which we've seen him many times, and then at the Mothership now.

Seeing him in an arena like that go full-on Holtzman is a real treat 16,000 people and he went he opened with Billy Joel Yeah, and then he's like I don't care if your family's here. It's your daughter. Fuck em. We get it you play the fucking piano I mean, yeah, it was wild. It was amazing the surprises on that show. I want to hear from your vantage point real quick from obviously doing arenas for a while now and

Show like that getting to see you for a moment before he walked out backstage and you were just like it was cool to see You looking at it like what the fuck this is wild blown away first of all I have seen kill Tony evolved from the very beginning Yeah, so I saw some of the earliest episodes in the belly room

But you were telling me, Tony came to you and was like, will you do my show? I got this new. And you were just like, yeah, fucking all right. I'll put Buddy out. And then you have no idea what it was. No. When I first did it, I was like, okay, let's have some fun. I think I first did it. He brought up, I might have first did it at the Ice House. They used to do it at the Ice House in the little room. Yeah. So that was probably one of the first ones that I did. And I did a bunch in the belly room. And then it moved to the main room. And then it...

moved to Texas when everything shut down. They were trying to do it in the main room for a while with no audience. Yeah. They did quite a few episodes with zero audience. It's just a story of persistence and getting... That's what I keep telling you on comics. The consistency is so overlooked in this business. And Tony just...

in it and also kept finding ways to evolve it. And the more people, you guys coming on and then like you'd see Saget come on and like more and more people started to go, oh, something different to fuck around with, right? Yeah. And he just got better at it too. Yeah. That's a good point. I mean, he's a...

He's a wizard at hosting that show. Yeah. He's managing all these moving parts. He knows when to bring people in and when to, you know, he knows how to work the panel. He knows how to let you go, let somebody else go. It's a dance, man. Yeah. And the dude is the best at it. He's the fucking best at it. So for me, walking out there and seeing that crowd, I was like, this is insane.

And to see the Black Keys on stage, and Jelly Roll, Jelly Roll singing New York. Like, what the fuck is happening, man? This is crazy. Yeah. The pops that everybody got, like all the surprises. Oh my God, when Joey Diaz went on stage, it was the loudest I've ever heard an audience cheer for any human being ever in my life. I thought he was going to be so...

taken aback by the roar that he was legit going to run for president. Because he came out and he was like, you cocksuckers back here, I came to the circus.

By the way, he came in so hot and rode that high and got in like three or four bangers. And I saw Tony at the airport last night and he was like, I didn't even hear what he said. And I go, dude, he said something about like, I played here, I was on Quaaludes, they put me in a handicapped section. And then I fucking came to the circus. It was a different circus where there was no net, the clowns fell, they just fucking swept them out of the way. Bro, he went off. That was awesome, man. He went off. It was classic Joey Diaz. And you've never seen...

me do Dr. Phil probably live, right? No, I don't think I have. How was that? I think I might have saw it once at the Mothership. How many did you do at the Mothership? I've only done it on Kill Tony twice and then I did two Phil shows on a Sunday there, but you were gone. That's right. Okay, that's right. No, so that was the first time I ever saw you do it on stage. Yeah. And I know Dr. Phil. I know him well. He's been on the podcast a bunch of times. Yes, I know. Good friends with his son. Yeah. So it was...

So what is that like then? You fucking nail it. You nail it. Thanks, man. It's got to be weird for him. It's got to be weird for him. This guy is doing a comedic version of him, and it's like the most popular guest on Kill Tony. What the fuck, dude? Of all the... I mean, dude. It's a great guest, dude. It's a great guest. And, you know, the fucking... That's not the best image, because there you can kind of see that you got that thing on your head. Yeah, the ball cap, yeah. But you can't tell while you're on stage. It's fucking incredible. It's wild, right?

It's so funny, dude. You have that character. That character is like... It's still got the abrasiveness of talk show Phil, right? Like Bustin' Chops. That's why it makes sense when I'm doing these roast jokes. Right. You're like, yeah, it doesn't seem... Because even for me, I didn't know. I didn't watch a whole season of Phil episodes. It was during COVID. My wife and I were just stoned and drunk and watching bullshit. And then we'd see these Phil reruns. And I was just laughing because these kids would come on and they're like...

you know, my mom tried to tell me I can't smoke weed. He's like, well, maybe you should shut your fucking little twat mouth. He wouldn't say it, but he would just, in aversion, he was just like, well, maybe you need to look in the mirror and see that you aren't exactly perf. I mean, he just was real abrasive, but in a funny way. And, uh,

And it's a funny type of character to do this with because everyone has some idea of who Phil is, but he's not so known that you're like, this wouldn't... Like, how do I know this isn't who he is, right? Right, right, right. And making him... I'm not defaming him either. I'm not up there saying silly shit that's like racist or whatever. No, no, no.

It's all goof. It's very funny. And I think he picks up on that. Oh, he's a great guy. I'm sure he does. I'm sure he's flattered. Well, his publicists are trying to get him to come on my show, which would break the internet. Because what I want to do with the store or wherever, because now we're doing these theater, I'm doing the Beacon in November and the Miller Theater in Philly in October. He's got done the Gramercy. He's got done the Gramercy, yeah. But all these Phil Theater tours is what we're doing now, like theater shows. Wow. We're going to do the ACL Live here next year and Majestic and Celebrity Theater in Arizona. Did you have to pay him?

No. I mean, I fucking, where's my, where's my, hey, Phil, are you still cool with this cam right here? Hey, doc. But so when he comes on, I'm like, dude, it'll break the internet when, because, you know, there's a whole intro video and then, you know, please give it for Dr. Phil. And so I'm thinking instead of me coming out, he walks out and people just go nuts. And then maybe after 20, 30 seconds, I come out, shake hands. Well, it's also, that's an opportunity for him to shit on you for having the biggest thing of your career imitating him. Yeah.

Well, that's what he said when he gave me guest of the year last year. It was amazing. Yeah, you finally figured out a way to be famous, pretending to be someone other than yourself. And you know what, though? Isn't it, though, a great, like, as much as it, like, is so fun and so fun, and I want to say this about with Tony, too, his openness to go, I am always expanding, not only, you know, I want to be involved in exploring, expanding comedy, but the Kill Tony show. For Tony to, for me to go, Tony, I think Phil on Kill Tony would be fun, but

He's an advice guy you were giving advice to comics, but for Tony be like fuck. Yeah, let's add more characters Oh, yeah is really awesome. No Tony Tony takes a lot of risks, and he likes to fly off the seat of his pants He likes a little bit of chaos on the show like twice or

I showed up with people and I just brought them on stage. One time it was Post Malone and the other time it was Tucker Carlson. Oh, I saw that. Wait, that was impromptu? Totally impromptu. They had no idea they were going to do it until they did it. When I got there with Post, I was like...

You got to come to the club. Let's go hang out. We were having just a great time. I fucking love that guy. He's such a nice guy. Yeah, he really is. He's so nice to everybody. He's nice to everybody at the bar, downstairs, all the staff. He's just so normal, man. He just hangs with you. He can just hang with you. And so anyway, we were just hanging out. So we're like, let's go to the club. And so we get to the club and Tony was there. I think he was there.

I think we went to dinner. Did we go to dinner? Yeah, we went to dinner. And then after dinner, did you go to Eddie V's? Yes. Good call. Eddie V's is the shit. It's the best. So we leave there and I go, let's go check out the club. And it was Kill Tony. You've got to see this show that they're doing. It's called Kill Tony. It's crazy. Oh, wow. So you're introing to the show. He has no idea. He has no idea what's going on. He has no idea. I'm roping him into this.

So I don't even have an idea. But Tony sends me this text, come on stage. And I was like, all right, dude. Okay. I go, come on, man. We're going to go on stage. He's like, fuck yeah, really? I go, yeah, come on. Let's go on stage. And he just went with it. 100% went with it. Sat down. Had a great fucking time. Had some funny lines. David Lucas said he looked like an unemployed crocodile hunter. Oh my God.

Oh my god! Dude, some of David's lines are so spot on. The joke is just as good as like, what did Jeff Ross call David Tell when he came out on night two at the Garden? He goes, you look like you run a, you manage a circus in Bosnia or something. Something like that, yeah. Lucas said that I looked like, because I was wearing that crazy fur coat and the glasses. He goes, you look like my 11th grade teacher that you catch outside of school.

Dude, I called Dave once. I go, uh, I go, all right, Hootie and the bloated fish or, uh, yeah, dude, he, Dave, that's another part of the show too, where it's like, there's now been so many established parts that people look forward to, which makes the, uh,

an arena show so exciting for the fans because they're like, wow, I'm going to see surprises and bucket pulls. You have so many elements that are spontaneous, right? David saying those things was spontaneous in front of 16,000 people and crushing. He's the best at that.

Him and Tony, back and forth. I told them they should do a podcast of just David Lucas and Tony talking shit to each other. Because there's compilations on the internet that are like a fucking hour long of just David and Tony just shitting on each other and laughing while they're shitting on each other. It's the best lighthearted shitting on people I've ever seen from two wizards at it. Like they're cast in spell.

Yeah, and fearless. But an underlying respect to where, and that's what's really cool. Yeah, so that there's no personal offense ever taken. No, no, no. They love each other. Had you ever seen, you watched, I'm sure, some clips of Shane and I before, like after we did that show with the mothership. Yes, I saw a lot of clips from that show. Oh my God, that show has like,

What is the number up to now? That episode? It might be 16 million, dude. That's so crazy. Isn't that fucking nuts? Dude, we were in, it was a Friday and Tony calls me. I was doing Kill Tony, but he goes, change of plans. Need you to come Sunday. Bring your makeup gal, Shane, sticking around doing Trump. And I go, holy shit. So in my head, I'm like, this will be fun. You never still know how anything's going to be received, right? But I'm just like, I don't know, man. Shane's as popular and fucking likable and funny as it gets. And yeah.

And he has only done Trump on his sketch show and on SNL. And I feel like I'll be able to figure out a Biden to whatever. But I know that Shane's down to play. So I knew that it was going to be like we're in the back. We're in the makeup chairs and I'm shuffling around and Shane's like, what are you doing for the face? I'm like, I kind of got to get the, you know, the half smile going like that. And then and then I was shuffling around and I did the face a few times. He started laughing. And then at one point, I just look in the mirror and he's just going.

We locked eyes and we started laughing. I go, what the fuck are we doing, dude? He's the best Trump of all time. Yeah. His Trump is impossible. Bro, he was so in the pocket, which is why we made each other break a few times when we did it at the mothership, because it was like, I can't believe we're doing this for two hours. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. It's incredible. But to run it back in the garden was like, I think, the move too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was awesome. It was amazing. The whole thing was amazing. Yeah. It was incredible. Do you love... To me, it seems surreal. I know. It's like...

Like just standing there taking it all in. It's like what is going on? And how many people want to come in to fuck with for Joey to come in for Harlan to come in like yeah Schultz flew in I think from vacay just to like be there for that No, he was supposed to be yeah, he definitely threw flew in but he was supposed to be a whole beginning But there was a bunch of flights that got the ladies still made it so what a cool pop him coming out mid show incredible It was just so fun man. Just so ultimately fun. I

Just really just a great celebration, you know, a celebration of their success of the show and of comedy. Just just fun, raw comedy. Totally did. Do you after, you know, all years of doing this, do things like that?

Don't know like mean a little more to like be able to beat to see that like something like that live or is it like does it give you I don't know a little more juice for just comedy in general to know that like we're in a cool time where shit like that is Possible and happening I guess dude. We're in an amazing time It's an amazing time for stand-up if you're funny and and you're trying to have fun and just go out there and be silly

People are looking for that right now, man. And they're looking for something that rebels against this mind virus. It's telling you how to think and behave. We don't like it. Like, shut the fuck up. You're not compassionate and also controlling. That's not possible. This fucking scolding thing.

shrill fucking stupidity that you hear from people telling you how you have to think and behave that nothing that these things are not up for debate these are like existential threats to humanity and civilization aren't up for debate shut the fuck up shut the fuck up I'm getting more and more just cognitive uh of like uh

These just jokes like I get more and more bummed that people get really offended by certain things cuz I gotta stop paying attention that the key is like it's just just jokes like no one's really especially at our level like people making those jokes it's like because it sounded funny and it like was a you know I don't know you know to each his own and everything subjective, but yeah, but this is what's going on dude There's always going to be people that wouldn't enjoy it, but they get to see it now Yeah, whereas before

People just found out what you did. You went to a club. If you liked the guy, you liked the guy. You saw the guy on TV. You went to go see him live. And that was it. Now you're getting exposed to people that would never go see you live. And they just want to talk so much shit. But that is just because you're getting exposed to more people. So there's pros and cons. The pros is the show gets 16 million views. That's insane. What is an average...

Jimmy Fallon show get? Let's find out what that is. Like, what's the amount of people? Maybe in the middle, probably. Let's find out. I don't even know. I don't even know. But he's probably the most popular of the late night guys, right? Yeah. So what does he get? I think Jimmy Kimmel quit, right? Did he quit?

No, he's still going. Oh. Yeah. I thought he was going to quit. Is he going to quit? I just saw Jeff Goldblum hosting the air night. I think he's on vacation maybe. I would get to a point where I'd be like, when can I do a podcast? Did you ever get asked to do that? No. No. Yeah, yeah. You doing a song with somebody? The whole reason why I started a podcast is no one would ever give me money for a radio show. Not even a radio show. Oh, wow. I was thinking about that. I was like, I remember when Opie and Anthony got

they got taken off the air by

Because they brought on a homeless guy who said some wild shit about Condoleezza Rice, like wanting to rape her or something fucking awful. I like that this guy was like- He had no idea. At least in the know enough to know who was like- Yeah. But he was just a crazy homeless guy. Right. And Opie and Anthony was a wild show. I mean, those motherfuckers, especially when they got on XM, they could say whatever the fuck they wanted. Oh my God, it was crazy. Were they definitely at the kind of the precipice of things kind of getting a little-

Edgier, radio-wise? Yeah, so an average gets 1,720,000 views. For Kimmel. That's for Jimmy Kimmel. So he's number one. Oh, okay, Fallon is 1.4. Colbert's in the lead. Colbert is in the lead with 2.5 million. So out of those people, how many of them are tuning in because it's just on TV? Sure.

There's a thing that people do. It's 11 o'clock. What's on? You know, especially boomers. They're locked in. That's what they've done their whole fucking life. Yeah. See what's on TV. Oh, at eight o'clock, Colburn's on. And they just watch a show. Yeah. Those are the same people that believe the news. Yeah.

Which is ironic. Did you see what happened with Colbert's audience? No. So, Caitlin Collins from CNN is on. And see if I retweeted it. It's fucking hilarious. Constantine from Trigonometry tweeted it. And I retweeted it. I was like, this is crazy. I just want you to see it before I describe it. But it is the audience laughing at CNN being honest. Watch this. This is crazy. Okay.

What's that, bro? Trying to get to Twitter and stop loading. Oh, this is the government. They're attacking Twitter because of the Elon Musk thing. Guaranteed. Let's just call it that. Start it from the beginning and go big screen because this is so preposterous.

Trump has kind of been thrown on his heels by this, and he's not really sure how to go after Vice President Harris. He knew his attack lines on President Biden. He really has struggled with how to go after someone who's 20 years younger than him, who is a different gender, a different race. It's kind of been this moment where he has not been able to coalesce around a single attack line.

I know you guys are objective over there that you just report the news as it is. Oh, I know. CNN makes it. I know that's supposed to be a lab lie. It wasn't supposed to be, but I guess it is. Bro. Wow. Bro. Bro. How crazy is that? The audience is like, shut the fuck up. That is hilarious. They thought he was being a joker. They thought that was a joke. Yeah.

That's how crazy this world has gotten. Where fucking CNN being unbiased is a joke to people in the audience. That's so crazy. Yeah. And why? What got accomplished? If you were running a business, what did you accomplish by doing things that way? You've ruined your business because now people think you're full of shit. Yeah.

And you could have just been actual, just straightforward journalists and been beyond reproach and probably got away with, you wouldn't have got as much money.

They probably... When they got as much money, you gotta get those ads in. Do you think that's what they teach to in journal... I mean, I don't know. At some point, like, when do you figure out when you're in journalism school or whatever that, like, there is... There's probably, obviously, a handful of people, more than that, that want to stay, like, you know, authentic and true and really... Oh, there's a lot of those, man. And then at some point, you just, what, get an offer to go somewhere or somebody above you goes, dude, you gotta get that story out, like, you know, I don't know if...

And you're trying to get a name for yourself, like any sort of sports pundit, right? Sometimes they say wacky shit just to get their name out there. Well, it's good for the business, right? So if they write a thing that says, you know, hey, everybody used to like Trump. You ever seen videos of Trump on The View with Barbara Walters back when they liked him? You ever seen that? Yes, but I can't remember what you're referring to. You should see it because it's bonkers. It's literally bonkers. It's going around. See if you can find it. Barbara, he's just being...

Dude, it's nuts. It's like literally nuts. Like Sean Connery saying you can hit women nuts? No, no, no. They love him. They love him. Everyone loves him. Trump on the view. Whoopi loves him. Wow. Yeah. Barbara Walters loves him. Everyone loved him. Everybody was friendly. Everybody was like, they were considerate. They were talking nicely to each other. There was no attacks. It was a wonderful conversation. Whoopi, I love your hair. What do you wash it with? Syrup? And they just laughed. Have you found it?

It's going around. Somebody posted it. I can't remember who posted it on Twitter, but I was like, this is crazy. Watching it is just bananas. Do you think they've seen what Shane and I have done at all? Do you think they've seen people in there? Trump for sure has. Yeah.

Yeah, this is it. Watch this. This is bonkers. Go full screen. This is literally bonkers. My friend. My friend. Watch this. Just watch this. This is nuts. We're in an alternative universe. Okay? Because this is not that long ago.

Go standing O. Bro, watch this. Just watch how this goes. Watch this. So she's a Republican. That's easy. Yeah. But everybody else. Joy can't wait to get a hug in. Yeah, everyone's hugging. Look at this.

Look at this. Kisses, hugs, kisses to Whoopi. Everybody hugs and kisses. Even Joy Behar. Hugs and kisses. See? Now watch this. So I'm going to take you at your word that you have not decided yet when you're going to run, but you're thinking about it and you've expressed some of your views, which are controversial and in many ways, yeah, but

Not to her. Well, not to her. Okay, you're a Republican. But let's say that you do decide in the spring, right? And your ideas resonate so much. On the other hand...

You know, we saw Newt Gingrich apologizing for his marriages and divorces. You've had three marriages, two sort of uncomfortable divorces. Do you think that the... Not really. They were very comfortable. Well, we want to hear all that. Do you think...

getting laughs right away that would bother anybody i think the country is doing so badly they want somebody that's going to help it i think the country has never been in a position like it is right now it's being ripped off by every nation every intelligent nation in the world whether it's china they're taking our jobs they're making all our product and then they loan us back the money we pay them interest whether it's opec that's crazy how about the the arab league

The audience cheers. Yeah.

When we have France, France leading the charge, okay? France. This is our new leader. By the way, they led for about two hours. After that, nobody's seen them. I don't know if you know that or not. Let me just ask a follow-up question to that. Let me just ask a follow-up question to that. Let's say you run.

You've given a lot of thought for this. Who would you like as your vice president? Possibly Sarah Palin? Well, I think it's far too early even to discuss that. I'm going to make a decision sometime prior to June. I'm thinking about it very strongly. I think I'd do a really good job. I think I'd protect this country like it's not being protected. You know, it's funny. So many of the things I say, now politicians are saying, hey, that's right.

Why don't we, like, why aren't they paying us? If you look at North Korea, South Korea, we're protecting South Korea. They're making a fortune. Let's call it hundreds of billions of dollars of profit on us. We have 25,000 soldiers over there protecting them. They don't pay us. Why are they paying us? You'd be treating this like a business. No, no. A business with heart. Believe me, there's a lot of heart.

It's a business, but it's also a business with heart. We will destroy this country. It won't be a war if the economics of this country keep going the way they're going. We're not going to have a country. You're kind of a social liberal, Donald. You know, you're a social liberal. Could you actually get the base to vote for you in the primary? Well, every poll is saying that I'm the one that does the best. You know, they're doing polls. Do you actually have a higher approval rating than Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty, John Boehner? Let's just pause and think.

Just he's very poised. He's listening. He's grass. Yeah, the 180. Yeah That the media has taken on him Yeah, since he decided to be president when you see the machine go after a guy we've never seen the machine go after someone as bold-faced You know the prosecutions Russia gate stuff on television every night all of it. Yeah, and then to see just a few years ago They loved him. Yeah

You know, he was a Democrat, I think, until like 2000 and something. Oh, yeah. 2008, maybe. Something crazy like that. Clinton, I think they were all pals, right? There's pictures of them at Dave & Buster's and shit. Oh, yeah. Playing skee-ball. I think he said he had to pay them to come to a wedding. Like, they have a price if you pay them to come to a wedding. Wow. A pay-to-play as a spectator? What is this thing? Accusation. It's a Trump accusation. See, the thing about... It's like...

Apparently he said that he was in a helicopter with Willie Brown, but it wasn't Willie Brown. It was Joe Brown. It was a different Brown. And so now Willie Brown is saying that's not true. You know, it's just Donald Trump says his money drew Hillary Clinton to his wedding. She had no choice because I gave it to a foundation. Yeah. Is that what I just said? Is that true? Yeah, the Willie Brown thing, Joe Brown thing.

I think that was like a mistake he made and then people are like he's old she's young like you fucking seen her mistakes This is crazy the gaslighting is nuts. It's the same Gaslighting they did to turn Trump into a monster now They're doing that same gaslighting to turn her into our future our hope yeah, and it's working. It's crazy to watch It's crazy to watch is it crazy to what like I mean I?

I don't know. Do you think it's only going to get like 20 years from now? Because the upswing, I guess, of just all social media and media in general. And then also you're taking the people that are involved. It's the perfect mesh of crazy and crazier, right? So this says former Trump executive disputes his claim that Willie Brown was on board, right?

This is a woman said Barbara Rez the Trump organization's former executive vice president of construction development said former state senator Nate Holden was on the plane not Brown is that the same exact? Helicopter thing so as a helicopter crash is that what it was so no Brown was on there not Willie or Joe He's been on tons of helicopters. It's all the you know what she was saying. I

You know what she was saying like he doesn't have an attack strategy That's I don't think you know This is what I was trying to say when everybody got mad at me when I said what I liked about JFK jr. Or RFK jr. Excuse me Robert F Kennedy is a guy who just goes after issues it goes after goes after actions He talks about things this Trump has like always in the past like attacked. He's like attack people attack people and

And it's just in this case, I feel like I don't know if what they're doing right now, the way they're elevating. I don't know if she's ever going to debate him.

They locked one in, I think, September 10th. What is that going to be like when she's off grid, off paper? I don't know. Off script. Wild. Just completely able to say whatever she wants, whatever she wants to say. If we get one of those... You kind of got to match Trump a little bit with his fearless... Nobody has risen to the level of his...

You know, I'm just gonna kind of interrupt and combat everything you say like she's you have to be go toe-to-toe and be in the ring You can't be there and kind of just yeah 100% Yeah But I do have to say that that one speech that she gave right after they decided that she was gonna be the nominee that one speech which she said if you're gonna say something

Why don't you say it to my face? It was great timing. It was middle school recess. It wasn't just that man. The way that she delivered it was like very clear. It was prepared. Right. And so that means like she's coachable.

Which is very important if you want to be a president. You've got to be coachable. So she figured out how to deliver a banger of a speech. Play that, because it's pretty powerful. Yeah, I think she'll have something to say back to him. No, but this is the thing. That's a speech. But when you go toe-to-toe-to-toe, when you're just talking off the top of your head, that's where she has some issues.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, I think people lock up when they know that everybody is criticizing every word they're saying. And you're applying for a job as essentially the mom of the world. Oh, wow, wow. Or the dad of the world, you know, if he wins. That's what you are. You're the fucking dad of the free world, right? What if she just does a Biden impression and goes, you're a sucker, you're a sucker, and just throws it right back at him? There's so many people watching you, your brain just freezes up with anxiety. But listen to this. This is amazing. This is really...

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visit simplisafe.com slash rogan. But this offer is available for a limited time only, so be sure to order today. That's simplisafe.com slash rogan. There's no safe like SimpliSafe. Funny thing about that. Here's the funny thing about that. So he won't debate, but he and his running mate sure seem to have a lot to say about me. And by the way, don't you find some of their stuff to just be plain weird?

Well, Donald, I do hope you'll reconsider to meet me on the debate stage because as the saying goes, if you've got something to say...

They knew it was coming. She nailed it. Yeah, she nailed that. She nailed that. That alone can get you the president. This is weird idiocracy. That alone, like she, that is very explicit. You get a couple of banger sound bites, right? You can't say that's not outstanding. Totally. She just crushed it. She crushed it. Yeah. She had the big moment. Oh, I'm tuning in. This is pay-per-view now. She had the big moment and she crushed it. And she did it without any ums or stammers. No fucking missed words. Yeah.

She had a smile, the laugh made sense. It made sense there. Yeah, yeah. For the first time. It was in context. When she laughs, like sometimes she laughs like out of nerves, it seems like. Just try to get everybody to feel lighter about the situation. But that wasn't that one. That was like a genuine, genuine smile and a laugh. Crushed it. Yeah. That's a problem. That's a problem. And I don't think they thought she was going to be able to do that. That's the thing. You can fucking coach somebody, bro.

It ain't hard. I mean, maybe she just practiced. Who are these coaches? Just public speakers and stuff? Oh, yeah, public speaking coaches. Yeah, there's political speech analysts. There's people that teach people how to teach. Imagine if there's comedians. What if David Lucas gets hired to give her some one-liners? Listen. I mean, there's a crazy world where there's shit like that where somebody goes, you need a couple zingers in your back pocket. I don't know. 100%. Because if that's not your world and your brain doesn't operate like that, you're not going to be able to do it.

Trump's does. Trump is looking at like, you know, to make a little put down or he's just quick in that way. Listen, he is quick in that way. Also, it would behoove him to hire a few great comics to just tour with them and just write one liners about all these different fucking people. I mean, if he could remember them. I mean, I know he likes to go off his own head, but he could remember a few Hinchcliffe bangers. If he hires Hinchcliffe to take him on the road. Yeah.

Do you know how fucking insane that would be? Yeah, dude. Hinchcliffe writing bangers for Trump to shit on people with? Comedy cures, and it also is like sometimes what kind of just...

Pushes things over the top the thing you're getting from him is you know no one is coaching him, right? You know he's going off the cuff You know he's nobody gets to tell him what to do when he goes out there, and he does it I think it's like he just off the cuff off the cuff, and that's why it gets sideways sometimes Yeah, you know it gets a little fumbly sometimes I get but what I'm saying is that what she did was like a pro and

She did that like a pro. That's where it gets dangerous. You don't think that was calculated? You think that was off the cuff, like just responding to what was... No, that was a 100% planned out thing. 100% and well executed. Like she fucking nailed it. The problem is, that's what we're looking for. It's not even necessarily who has the best policies for the country. It's not necessarily who's going to make real reform, who's really going to change things and make it better for everybody. For

versus who looks like the kind of person who should be president, who's talking like a leader, who's got the whole audience, say it to my face, and the whole zone. What if that becomes her catchphrase? That's a mic drop. Yeah, you're going around to every country. I mean, there's going to be those t-shirts. That's your Icarumba if you're Bart Simpson. Well, that's a bit of a problem is that she does repeat the same speeches over and over and over again in these speeches. So they have all these compilations of...

of her saying things in the exact same order. You've got to mix it up. But this is the thing that they like about Trump, is that he does not do that. When Trump goes up there, he is more than capable of talking for an hour and a half,

be entertaining. He cracks on things. He says funny things. Like he was joking around about Biden wandering around not knowing where he is. It was hilarious. It was like he was a comic. He was killing. I know. And I guarantee you he probably had an idea in his head that he was going to shit on Biden. You know, had an idea how he was going to do it. But that's like just...

Being a free baller. Yeah. You're up there free balling. He's the only one that can do that. People do respond to that, too. Yes. Everybody does, like you said, want to look at somebody and go, oh, they represent us well. The same way, like, if you have an agent or manager, right? You want them, if they're out in public, you go, oh, are they an extension of me in a certain way? You want to see the best at it? Yeah. Clinton. Clinton, when he was running for president the first time. Bro, yeah.

Bro, let me tell you something dude. He's the fucking Michael Jordan of those motherfuckers. I can't argue with that. Old school titty grabber. He probably called tits bazoombas. He was an animal. Played the sax on Arsenio. And this guy smooth talked better than any. And he was like, that's the president. You hear him talk, you're like, that's our guy. Exactly right. Listen to this motherfucker talk. Oh, it's

Oh, let me just get a speech when he was—this is when he's the president. We've never seen that. He's the president. He's playing saxophone. Give me a little bit of that. Let me hear it. Slinging dick before the internet, son. Up until this point, we'd seen footage of, like, Nixon playing go fish. There was no cool president doing— No, he was the coolest ever. You know people who lost their jobs and lost their homes? Uh-huh.

Well, I've been governor of a small state for 12 years. I'll tell you how it's affected me. Every year, Congress and the president sign laws that make us do more things. It gives us less money to do it with. I see people in my state, middle class people, their taxes have gone up in Washington and their services have gone down while the wealthy have gotten tax cuts.

I have seen what's happened in this last four years. In my state, when people lose their jobs, there's a good chance I'll know them by their names. When a factory closes, I know the people who ran it. When the businesses go bankrupt, I know them. And I've been out here for 13 months, meeting in meetings just like this, ever since October, with people like you all over America.

People that have lost their jobs, lost their livelihood, lost their health insurance. What I want you to understand is the national debt is not the only cause of that. It is because America has not invested in its people. It is because we have not grown. It is because we've had 12 years of trickle-down economics. We've gone from first to 12th in the world in wages.

We've had four years where we produced no private sector jobs. Most people are working harder for less money than they were making 10 years ago. It is because we are in the grip of a failed economic theory. And this decision you're about to make better be about what kind of economic theory you want.

Not just people saying, I'm going to go fix it, but what are we going to do? What I think we have to do is invest in American jobs, American education, control American health care costs, and bring the American people together again. Okay, stop. If that guy runs right now, he wins. That guy runs right now, he fucking blows everybody out of the water. Easy listening voice. Democrats come home with like every fucking state. That guy wins. Can you do that?

He can't jump back in, right? No, no, he can't. Once you did two... He's not the same guy anymore. Right. He's not the same guy anymore. He doesn't have the energy anymore. But you're saying this type of guy. He's had a bunch of scandals. That guy, if you could go back in a time machine and grab that Bill Clinton and run him today, he wins. And it makes sense. What if there was a younger son, Clinton, that was a spitting image of Bill and Monica Lewinsky was the running mate? No.

Is there ever a world or is that too in the simulation? It's too in the simulation. That would be too strange. Be too strange. Yeah. But what if she came out and her policies were great and she had to say it to my face, but she goes, and she made jokes about like, and you know, we're going to swallow the competition. I don't know. She did, you know, well, the problem was she didn't swallow. Right. That's all it got on the dress. Oh, that's right. All right. We'll clean up all the mess. Well, maybe just, we'll clean up every dress and mess. I don't know.

Yeah, maybe she just wanted to keep it. This is just a soft pitch. I didn't say this was a great idea No, it's it. I see where you go

It's nuts that that's what we used to get for choices. Yeah. Like they made sense. When you saw Arnold in the mix, because I feel like at least for me, that was because I wasn't, you know, around obviously for the Reagan stuff. But like to the Arnold was my first taste of like, oh, anybody can do. You know what I'm saying? Well, that was Ronald Reagan when he became president. Right. I mean, it doesn't make sense to us. But if you were someone who grew up during that time when he was a movie star. Yeah. It's like, you know, Dennis Quaid being the president. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And he's playing Reagan. Oh, yeah. Same gal that did his makeup does my Phil stuff. Oh, that's wild. She's a goat, Jen Aspinall. It's just like...

You know, the world has gotten real weird, man. It's real weird when we know what the trick is. Everybody's talking about the trick. I mean, there's all these videos of Kamala off script. She doesn't talk nearly as clearly. It's not. Well, but if you could just keep her on that script and focus everything else. Now you're still running the show. Yeah. You're still running the show just like you were for the last four years. Because like no one even talks about Biden anymore. Yeah. Yeah.

Like literally, you don't even care that he's still the president for quite a few months. Yeah. Yeah. It's August, kids. September, October, November, December. No president. No president. And also, how bad does he deteriorate between now and then? Because clearly that man is at the end of a long road. The presidency took its toll on him, I think. It takes its toll on everybody. Because he aged quicker than him. Yeah. I mean, everybody. Trump just kind of.

He seemed fine. Yeah. He seemed fine. Four years didn't age him at all. Yeah, wild. Wild. The dude's just water off the duck's back. Well, you look at LeBron. He's fucking playing 20 plus years. Some people just got a little extra juice to... Yeah, but LeBron spends millions of dollars on his body. He's never been out of shape. You know, he's constantly... Oh, Trump and LeBron don't spend the same amount of money on their bodies? A little different. Yeah, okay. You really can't compare the two.

Also, it's not like the NBA ages you like that. No, it's the stress of knowing you could start a fucking nuclear war. The economy rides on you. Why would you want that stress? Even running for president seems like the craziest thing to... Even just the campaigning. You see when people drop out after...

four, five, six, seven, eight months, I'm like, God, what do you do now? Like, is that withdrawal or even that come down? It's like a shroom come down where you're like, fuck, now you're questioning everything because you're like, you put everything into it, but then is there a weird like, fuck, I didn't have enough to even get close? Like, or do you just go, all right, I gave it a shot and it wasn't my time? I mean, it depends entirely on the individual. I think it's just people just getting fed up that want to throw their self into that crazy race. But

That thing is nuts. You never had any of that, right? No. Like through any part of your, once you even like, yeah, that's wild. That's a different type of, there's a, wanting to be on stage and make people laugh

Because my buddy of mine said this to me just about, you know, as we were talking about, you know, actors, whoever running for president. And he was like, oh, it'd be great if there was a comedian that ran. And I'm like, yeah, but we don't. That's not our. Al Franken probably could have run. He probably could have run. Yeah. And he probably could have won. Yeah. He's a really interesting guy. It's a rare exception, yeah. He just got fucked.

Yeah, there was a picture. He was trying to be funny, and it wasn't funny. It was just unfortunate. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong hands, wrong boobs. Trying to be a comedian, trying to be funny, you know.

Oh, wait, real quick. I just had a thought when dice came out and did his, um, cause I wanted to that first of all, talking to him about being back in the garden, you're just, you're just saying just being funny or whatever. And I watching him do his hickory dickory joke at the garden again was wild, dude. Yeah. And hearing him talk about being back there was so that that's a, there's so many small things in between the entire garden experience that I was like, I want to not ever forget this because seeing him even just be there, I was like,

That's crazy. Well, Dice was kind of on the outs with the comedy community. It was... To me, it was the dumbest thing I'd ever seen. It was real weird. Because he did MTV, and he got banned for life from MTV for telling jokes. I forget what the jokes were. During the Pauly era or no? Yeah, it was kind of around that time. Maybe a little after Pauly was off of MTV. But he had...

these jokes. I forget even what he was joking about. Like, tampa!

or something. No! You know, I don't even know what the fuck he was joking around about. That was perfect. But it was Andrew Dice Clay. You asked the dirtiest comedian of all time to do a set. Yeah. And then you got mad when he does the kind of jokes that Andrew Dice Clay does. Right. Do you even fucking watch his shit? No, they probably didn't. Do you ever watch Dice Rules? They heard he was popular and they just were like, get the guy who everyone's watching. I don't know what the fuck.

They thought if they thought he was gonna do something different because he was on MTV I don't know what they thought but anyway, they banned him for life and

And there was a lot of comedians that came out against him. A lot of comedians said that they thought his act was sexist and racist. And yeah, it was like, but it was a character. He was like, there's a man, his name is Andrew Silverstein. And then there's this character, Andrew Dice Clay. And the whole idea was like that some stupid people like him. Stupid people like a lot of things, but smart people like him too. Totally. Because it's jokes. Yes. Because he's being hilarious. Yes.

saying the most ridiculous shit and for whatever fucking reason he was on the outs he wasn't respected by a lot of comedians it was real weird it was disrespected and I was like I get it if you don't like that kind of comedy but

But it's like, who are you to decide what's good? Like, I don't think that way, but I think it's funny when people say things that way. Yeah. Like, I'm not really mad at Billy Joel. I think he's awesome. Yeah. But when Holtzman was shitting on Billy Joel, I loved it. Couldn't get enough. Yeah. It was amazing. It was funny. Also, nobody shits on Billy Joel, so it was like, that's also why it's funny. Like, you got to hit him and hug him, dude. Everybody has to be fucked with. I'm sorry. You know, and there's loving degrees, obviously, like, you know, if somebody's...

I don't know. Again, like, jokes, there's... I mean, some of the jokes I've had with friends who have been really bad hospital bedridden and, like, that's changed their entire outlook on stuff. Like, you know, like... You've got to be able to joke around about stuff. Yeah, dude. It's a real superpower. It's really...

I mean, even from some of this Phil stuff, which is so silly, dude. Some of these messages I get are wild about people. This kid I met in Jersey was doing the Stress Factory. You ever do the Stress Factory all the time? Sure. Vinnie Brand. Yeah, sure. So I'm doing these shows. This kid comes up and he's like, my mom has cancer. She has four months to live. We've been watching your Phil stuff is all that she wants to watch. And it makes her smile. So that's our thing now. And he starts bawling. And I got all choked up. And it was like...

Just more and more of that happened in the last few years. And not just of that stuff, just... Dude, comedy is medicine. It's wild, Joe. It's medicine. It really is. It's medicine for people. Because I think we get so... And I know I'm guilty of this, like a lot of us. When you're getting going, you're so...

You're thinking, you know, yeah, about the show and making people laugh and I'm present and I'm afterwards chatting with people and taking it in. But those, now that we have this opportunity to receive messages like that or hear it live in the face like that is, it's wild. No, it's amazing. Yeah. It really is amazing. And it makes me so even more...

lucky to like be a part of and you look at something like Kill Tony it's like having to be global there's people in probably Beirut that were having a shit day that like saw fucking Hans Kim and they're like dude I always want to see Hans Kim in the garden or whatever their dream was you know well yeah it's it really is like a kind of medicine it is for me for sure if someone makes me laugh I feel way better when did you start getting like love like what I wanted to say though before I forgot because I was going so

Dice is embraced now by this class of comedians. Oh yeah. To this group of comedians that are coming out. Dice was one of my heroes when I was 19 years old. I mean, I was laughing so hard at his, I was in my car in front of my house with this girl I was dating. I was 19. We were listening to Dice on a cassette. We're just sitting in the front seat of my car, just laughing.

It was so funny. I couldn't believe how funny it was and it was just listening to it on a cassette Yeah, you know and then as I became You know a comedian headliner and traveled with you got on TV also and it became friends with dice And then I really like some comedians don't like dice. I was like this is this doesn't even make sense to me What are you guys talking about? Like the guy does legitimate performance art on the street and

He does for no money. He plans it out. He strategizes. And he makes these videos of him stumbling into people and telling them, you wanted the picture? You wanted the picture with me? They have no idea who the fuck he is. And it's genius. It's genius performance art. The guy does not get the credit that he deserves.

And it's for whatever reason. He's silly, too. He's really. He's a great guy. Yeah. Just for whatever reason, there was this weird time period where comedians hated him. And I don't understand that. Doesn't make any sense to me. And I think he got too big, too, because he was the first guy to ever sell out arenas. Right. He was the first guy that was doing those. Like, he did Madison Square Garden multiple nights sold out.

He does everything. He did Nassau Coliseum. So it was a classic, got so big, people just want to kick him off the mountain. I think there's a little bit of that for sure because there's no comedians before him that was doing arenas. And he was doing a different thing because he was doing this thing where everybody knew the jokes and they wanted to say it with him.

What's in the bowl, bitch? Oh! Yeah, man. And the fucking thousands of people. Yeah, come on. It's like a rock band. You're seeing a band play your favorite song. Yep. So he had the rhymes, man. The rhymes, you could not go wrong with those rhymes. And, you know, he's dressed in a fucking giant glittery biker outfit. It's fucking craziness. I do not like a little bit of that. It's fun. It's like there's all kinds of comedy. You can love that and still love Patton Oswalt. I think he's funny, too. Yeah.

All kinds of stuff is funny, man. Duncan Trussell's hilarious. Everybody's different. It's okay. But it's just this class of comedians gets that. This group of comedians gets just be funny. It's all bullshit unless you're funny. And another fun thing about Kill Tony is that it's like the audience that has cultivated, it's putting, you know, having Dice on like that is like,

People who may or may not have fully been educated on Andrew will now be like, oh, fuck, and then go back and do a deep dive. A lot of these kids have no idea he even existed. Yeah, that's wild. Okay, because they're 20. Yeah.

You know, they're 20 years old. Yeah, they don't see guys' TikTok clips. They were born in 2004, son. That is crazy. Yeah, dude. You already had navigation in your car, and those kids were born. Oh. Yeah, and so they don't know what the fuck is going on. Who's that guy? Why is everybody clapping? Yeah. And you got to become a comedy historian, and you got to go, oh, dice rules. And then...

Listen to the day the laughter died. You want to be a real Dice fan? You listen to the day the laughter died. It's two hours long. Oh, my God. Okay? Rick Rubin produced it. Oh, my God. It's two hours long of him just popping into Dangerfields with no material.

And bombing. What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. On purpose. On purpose. In the height of his stardom. Okay? This guy's selling out arenas. And he decides to do a two-disc special of him bombing. On purpose.

On purpose. I love that. I mean, no material, dude. No material. No, no. Bombed on purpose or bombed and then it was. Bombed on purpose. Look, if he wanted to, he could have done his act. Right. And he would have crushed. They would be, oh my God, it's dice. He decides to bomb on purpose. Oh.

Dude, it's the craziest thing. Yeah. Because the kind of ego you have to have to be able to bomb on purpose on a CD and then put it out. No internet, by the way. This is all in his crazy head, right? This is not a thing you do because, you know, you want to impress people on Reddit. This is a wild thing he did as an artist.

It really is a wild artist move and this is where I think he doesn't get enough credit because everybody thinks oh He's just the dirty guy. He's the guy who tells racist jokes. It's like no no no no no no no no innovative pay attention with this fucking crazy bird doing and the thing he does now he's not trying to get people to like know who he is he's just making this the most uncomfortable video and the people who are fans of his like he's a fucking

Just walking up to this crazy Chinese lady. Oh, yeah. Do you want it to picture? Crazy sunglasses looks like you might be an insane person. Oh, you're worried about your safety. Yeah. Yeah, it's hilarious

He's a fucking... He's a genius. It's inspiring to see somebody like that that doesn't lose their zest for funny. Like even in the green room at the garden, he was doing videos with everybody and he came up and he goes, Phil, do a video for me where I come up and you go, hey, I'm talking to my fans. And I go, what? He goes, no, no, but in character. Right now you're Adam. Do Phil. So then he comes up and he goes...

Hey, Doc. And I go, Andrew, I'm talking to my friends. Will you fuck off? And he goes, Jesus fucking Christ, this guy. And then he puts it back and he goes, I thought I liked this guy. And then he goes over to Sal and does a little video. And yeah, he just was like, why the fuck around, man? And that's what the backstage vibe should be, you know? Dude, he used to do these little sketches at the store. And he would do it with a VHS handheld camera. And he'd do sketches at the store. And I asked him one night, I go, what are you doing these for? He goes, four.

He's like, what am I doing it for? Great answer. Like, it was even like, I'll put it together someday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was just having fun. Yeah. Just having fun. Oh, the first time he brought me up in the OR at the store, Jeff Scott was over there on the keys, and he goes, Jeff, who we got next? And I'd met him maybe three times, but didn't expect him or whatever. But he goes, and Jeff goes, Adam Ray. And he goes,

oh, I love this guy. And, you know, we didn't know each other. And he goes, this guy, you've seen him here, you've seen him there. Keep it going for my friend, Alan Gray. And then I get up and he goes, sorry, I had to. Right? And I just laughed and I was like, yeah. Yeah.

He's I would love when he would go on stage in the OR and they'd be like ten people in the crowd Yeah, and he would just fuck with them. What a treat to get this fucking guy Look at this fucking guy with his pants. It looks like he got attacked by a fucking mountain lion How much did you pay for those pants you fucking moron? I would call it mean dice. Yeah, that was my favorite dice to watch in the OR when he do mean dice. Yeah

But people love it, too. They're like, Dice is roasting me? Get the fuck out of here. They were dying. They were dying. It was funny. It was like... It sounds mean when I'm saying it, but Mean Dice was hilarious. Has he... He's been to the mothership, yeah? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Multiple times. He loves it, yeah. I'm just happy. I was always just... It would freak me out to become his friend because I...

Is that one for you that's just crazy that as far as like in the business? Yeah, because I was young, man. I was friends with him in my 20s. Wow. And I was standing in the back of the car. He's the reason why I started going on the road. Because I was standing in the back of the comedy store. He's like, you should do the road.

And I said, why? I was like, I'm here at the store. He goes, yeah, I know. But you know what? You don't want to be attached to Hollywood and these fucking jerk offs. He's like, you can make all the money that you need on the road. Wow. He goes, you get an audience. He goes, you're a funny guy. You should do the road. And I was like, I should do the road. So I started doing the road. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just opened you up to the idea. 100%. For years, I was mostly just doing the store. And I would do the Laugh Factory and I'd do the improv. And I was just doing Hollywood sets.

And occasionally I would do something else where it was a long set. But it was a little awkward because I was mostly doing 15-minute sets, you know? And so then I started headlining again. I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, you have to do this. You have to do hours. You have to do like four hours on a weekend. Like two on Friday, two on Saturday. But it's like...

The problem was I always had one foot in and one foot out. Because one foot in was like... I was always working on television. So that was most of my day. Most of my day on news radio was working on the TV show. It dampens your enthusiasm for doing the thing that got you to the dance. But I...

I want set a news radio once and the producer said to me why do still doing stand-up? You're an actor now. I was like, oh no Oh shit, I was just like like this whole cycle of needing people to pick you for something. I was like, yeah get me out of this Why are you deciding what I should you know be to people and it was at that same time where dice told me you do the road Wow same time so it was like a fortuitous universe convergence of this guy that I couldn't believe all

I was friends with. It was just weird to me. Would those news radio days be so long that sometimes you wouldn't want to go up and do a spot? Or was it pretty conducive? Yeah, but I still did it. I always did it. I never canceled. I always did it. Even though the song was exhausting. It was your reward too, right? You were looking forward to it like, I can get through the day so I can get on stage almost. It was a little bit of that, but it was also, those were my people. You know, the comedians were my people. I had to be around the freaks. I had to be around the weirdos, the Holtzmans. I became friends with Holtzman in 94.

Wow. Yeah. So I had to be around those guys. Those are my compatriots. It is wild how quickly you find that out that you are in the right spot. I remember when I first started going around the store in what, 2000? I started staying in 2007. So it was right around there and just going open mics and waiting for four hours and Tommy telling me I'm going up and then not going up and then being like,

And he's like, well, maybe come back tomorrow. And then just being around, even if I didn't go up, I was around for four hours and I didn't just sit and wait. I like milled around and that's where I met Tony and all these guys that you're like, oh, cool, you're doing this too. And that was the connecting over that is an immediate bond that's just like once you kind of lock eyes with someone like, oh, you're trying to do this too.

Unspoken respect. And then also like, oh, cool. Somebody that like, oh, we both didn't go up. Or you got up. Oh, cool. Yeah, well, dude, next time maybe do this. And then, oh, where are you going now? You know, it's late. Like, I'm fucking jazzed from watching four hours of comedy and not going up. And I feel like it's sad if I just go to bed. So, oh, well, let's go fucking play video games and smoke weed and just talk about our experience of that night. There are wild times that you don't appreciate at all.

at the moment because you're worried. You don't know if the future is ever gonna be real. You don't know if you're ever gonna be a real comedian, you know, 'cause you don't, you wanna do it, but you're obsessed with it, but it's hard to even get on stage. It's hard to even take the first steps towards the dream. So it's like, even though it's an amazing time and you're gonna look back on it so fondly forever,

At the time, it's crazy. At the time, you just don't know. And that not knowing and not being able to control your destiny as a young person is one of the most terrifying and paralyzing feelings because you don't know if it's going to happen in whatever you're trying to do. You're a fog of hope and dreams and dreams.

I don't know. I don't know. I can't see the future. I don't know if it's ever going to work out. The uncertainty that is a constant cloud over your head, but also the appropriate amount of delusion and enthusiasm for wanting to make it, right? Or make it. I mean, just wanting to be able to work in this world. Well, I was very fortunate that I'm a very determined person because I was terrible when I started.

Santa? Yeah, I mean, occasionally I had some good jokes, but I was bad at putting it together. But I didn't know how to write. I didn't know. I just knew, like, what I liked, and I knew that I could make people laugh in inappropriate ways.

Just couldn't figure out how to get that. Were you comfy on stage? No. Yeah, it took a while took a while for me to be comfortable on stage Which is so crazy. I was so nervous about it, but I had fought like a hundred times It's just so weird that like getting kicked in the head didn't make me as nervous as talking to people That's so wild to me. It's so crazy There was a lot of fear that came with the fighting that didn't come with stand-up like all throughout the day and

Like you'd have massive anxiety all throughout the day, on sparring days. You'd have massive anxiety when you're going to a tournament. And that's when I became funny because I would make everybody laugh when we were all freaking out. Because we were like on a bus driving to New York together to go get kicked in the face.

And I would just make jokes because it's very likely that one of us might get knocked unconscious. You know, I'd seen a few of my friends get knocked unconscious. And it's a terrifying feeling. I saw a friend of mine get axe kicked in the face. And he was really never the same guy again after that. He was a really good fighter. And we went up to Canada and he fought this guy named Jersey Long.

And Jersey Long was this national champion from Canada who was nasty. He was nasty. And he caught my friend in the head with an axe kick and KO'd him. And I didn't think my friend should have been fighting him. I didn't think my friend was good enough at that point and experienced enough. He was good. He was very talented. But he didn't have enough experience on a national level. And this guy was at the peak of his form. And he fucking caught him so hard. And it was so horrible watching him crumple and go unconscious. And I was like, God damn.

It was one of the worst KOs I'd ever seen live from a friend getting KO'd. I was like, God damn. Did that make you really just reevaluate everything at that point? Oh, it made me a bunch of times reevaluate. KOing people made me reevaluate it. Watching people snoring on the ground and knowing that could have easily been you. Easily could have been you.

Easily, you know. Easily. There was definitely guys that could have knocked me into the shadow realm. They just didn't. I just got lucky. I got lucky and I never really got knocked out until my last kickboxing fight. I get TKO'd. I was still conscious. I was okay. I got rocked. I got hit with a left hook and dropped. My legs just disappeared. My legs just went, weep, go away. What's that like? It's weird. It never happened before. I've been rocked before in the gym, but I've never been dropped before.

Where I was really exhausted. It was my third fight of the night too. Because even that's a crapshoot, right? Like when you're getting kicked in the head, you go down or whatever it is that knocks you out. It's still, right? There's always the, oh, a couple centimeters to the left and that would have actually... This guy caught me perfect on the jaw. And I think I had my mouth open because I think I was tired. Because it was, like I said, it was the third fight of the day. And I remember being exhausted because I would get sick a lot of times before fights because I would get nervous.

So I get real nervous and then your immune system drops. Wow. Because you're freaking out all the time. Fuck. Yeah, and also you're cutting weight. I'd be cutting my calories down because I was trying to compete in a different weight class. But those nerves don't enter in the comedy. Like before your live special, which I told you a couple days ago, but it was awesome. Thanks, thank you. And also I'm just...

I love doing it different, man. When Harlan Williams did a fucking special outdoors in front of animals, I was like, fuck yeah. You know what I'm saying? Doing something different. But the live thing is so... Not guaranteed, man. You're prepped. You're ready. You've done live. But still, you're still...

It's still a new challenge, right? I said no to it at first. I was like, I don't want to do that. Fuck that. What put you over the top and what were the nerves like that were... What put me over the top was I was like, why are you scared, pussy? This is like, what do you like to do? You like to do things to scare you. Do this thing, you fucking bitch. That's exactly what I thought to myself because I said no. I was on the phone with my manager and she said, Netflix wants to do a live special. I was like, fuck that. I go, I don't want to do that. No, no, no. Tell them no. Maybe I'll do a special, but...

At that time, I wasn't even thinking about doing a special. I was just working on comedy. I was just having fun and just doing comedy. And then being at my own club, it was fucking wonderful. And then I was like, why are you being such a bitch? As I drew it, when I said no, and then when I got home, I think, or maybe the next morning, I called her up and I said, don't tell him no yet.

Let me think about it. And then the next day I said, I'm going to do it. Conversations with other people about it or you just kind of had a- I didn't tell anybody. A car pep talk or what? No, no. Just my own head was like, this is what you're supposed to do, stupid. Yeah, dude, yeah. Just do something that scares the shit out of you because that scares the shit out of you. But I just realized like-

I'm having great shows. I know that I'm having the materials tight. It's funny. I'm like, what am I worried about? I'm not going to be able to, I do it every night. Just do it like a regular night. And I do everything live. I do the UFC live. I do, I used to do YouTube videos. We used to do live. Yeah. Used to stream the podcast live. I've done so many shows live. Like, what am I,

worried about and I'm like oh you're worried about fucking up okay well don't think about fucking up think about doing it the best way you can do it and the best way I could do it was like to over prepare so I prepared like crazy yeah I was in at one point time I was doing six hours a week so I was doing three nights two shows a night headlining

God damn. Yeah, you're ready at that point. After like an hour and 15 minutes of other guys killing, an hour and 15, an hour and a half sometimes. One time it was an hour and 45 minutes because the Protect Our Parks guys were all with me. Oh, shit. So we all went out and we were blazed. We were all so drunk. We were so drunk.

When we got there, we hopped out of the limo and ran upstairs. That's awesome. It was ridiculous. At one point, Norman got so drunk during the podcast that he went backstage, threw up, and then went to sleep. So you know that backstage area? Oh, yeah. Like right behind the stage? Real cozy. Yeah, he was sleeping up there.

Yeah, Al Colt. So he goes up and then Ari's hammered. He goes up. Brian Simpson was there. Tony was there. It was a giant, crazy show.

But all those shows, when you're going up that late, it's like running with weights on. You've got to keep that momentum going. You've got to keep things tight. So all I did was just over-prepare. I just really listened to a lot of recordings. I watched the video from Friday night because we recorded Friday night too. Oh, great. So I watched that video. I was writing bits out that I knew, but I was writing them out word for word on a notebook over and over again. And when you're over-prepared, I'm assuming, I don't know if you riffed anything in the moment, but I feel like when you are that...

In the pocket you're like all right now. I feel comfy to shoot from the hip Yeah, you could just do a show yeah like a regular show like how you would do it That's how I thought I'll just go I go I want to over prepare But I just want to do it like a regular show yeah, but it's also a regular show in a theater Which was odd because I had only done my club for a year and a half I hadn't done any other venue yeah for a whole year and a half before Friday night I had not done any other big places

Yeah, for a long-ass time. I think the last time I did a big place was probably one of the arenas that I did.

And then I went to the club and then I stayed in the club for like a year and a half. So next special, you have to be like what blackout drunk just to mix it up. No, I think, uh, I'll do a live one again. Yeah. It was fun. It was fucking terrifying, but fun. Like at, in the moment it wasn't terrifying at all. I was just in the moment and I always doing was just concentrating on staying in the moment and enjoying myself and having a good time.

and doing it the best I can do it. And being, you know, I was so prepared because I knew like what my transitions were going to be. I'd done that set in that order for like three weeks. I was like, I was ready. Yeah, we're going to live stream these Phil theater shows, I think. Just taking, you know, a page out of the Kill Tony book. Yeah, why not? People, you know, because there's only a handful of theaters we're doing, but it's like there's people...

You know, you can reach way a bigger audience doing that. And I mean, it's all the Phil shows all unscripted. So it's like there's a little more room for, you know, something, whatever. But I don't know. Well, there's a lot, a lot of room for it. But the most important thing is like, actually, the most important thing is that's what people like. Yes. They like that. You're going without a net. Right. They like it. Yeah. That's why they like the live kill Tony's. That's why they like all this stuff. Yeah. Anything can happen. Yeah. Look, kill Tony at its base. The whole thing is awesome.

there's no net. You know, it's like, you're going to go up. Some guy went up in Madison Square Garden the first time he ever went on stage. Ever. Ever. That's fucking so crazy, man. Ever. That's so crazy. I mean, what a mind fuck that must be to walk out in front of, and by the way, those people were harsh. Those people were fucking mean. I was going to ask you, how do you feel with like a joke in? They're like, so my mom,

My mom's weird. They're like, fuck you! Boo! I mean, the boos come in so quick sometimes. Also, they're drunk, okay? There's people out there. They've been ready for this show all day. They've been day drinking. They probably went to a pub, got fucked up. Oh, in New York? Yeah. Yeah, they're walking. And then they walked into this most iconic arena, their favorite show. It's live.

There's 16,000 people. They're fucked up. Let's go, Tori. And then some guy's on stage and it's not that good. You're like, boo. It's normal. I paid for this. Especially in New York. Especially in New York. They're not polite. If it's going south, they're going to let you know. But that's part of the fun. Because when it goes great, they let you know too. They're great laughers. God damn, when they were laughing, they were laughing hard. It was a fun show. It was really fun. But it's that

Weirdness of like it could go sideways. It could be awesome. Yeah, but it's always gonna be funny Yeah, so and then you got the regulars like William Montgomery is a goddamn national treasure probably can't get enough of them I love him to death me too, man. He's so funny dude He's so fucking funny and he gives it he's so I love to when people are just so he's such a kind guy But he's so like he just commits fully dude. Yeah, he's just always in the pocket and he's always

That's a tough thing too is going on like I've only been on his long panel or a five ten minute bit and it's like to go on for a minute and then however long the interview part is he's just always he always delivers I guess which is He's a character. Yeah, he's this maniacal character and you can get away with so much as that maniacal character I met his by he's got two brothers by what met one and he goes hi My name's Vance and goes from Williams brother and I was like, of course you are. I

He just had all the William like, really just very intense. You ever notice how William hugs you? Oh, yeah. He hugs you like he might be stabbing you. He hugs you like a Trump handshake. Like he pulls you in and then it's really weird. Like he's stabbing you. Actually, that's very tense. You might want to stab you. What is that? I don't know what it is. I'm trying to relax him on it.

For several years now. Yeah. He just hugs you and you're like, am I in trouble? Am I in danger here? What the fuck is happening here? Yeah. He's just... Are we jumping out of a plane? Why are you holding onto me so tight? What a writing exercise that show is to have to come up with a whole new minute every week. Yeah. That's bananas. Yeah. It's a bananas experience. I mean, it's such a crazy job. And to do it live in front of a crowd and then have it on YouTube and if you bomb it's on YouTube forever. Yeah.

It's like, that's the ballsiest shit you can do, man. Let me ask you this. Would you ever go on, like now that there have been, you know, I've gone on as a few characters, Shane going on doing Trump. If there was ever a pitch to you from Tony or whoever, because you're a good actor, man. And would there ever be a world of somebody who was like, dude, Joe, let's get you up and some, to come on and do like a- If I had an impression that was really good. Like a bucket poll that was like a wild person, not even like a long panel thing, but like a-

Yeah, I would do that. Like a fake person. You know what I'm saying? It would have to be a person that I could actually do an impression of. Okay. Because I'm not that good. I only have a few. Like I can do Dice and I can do Joey. But it's only a few. But what about an original? There's a guy named Earl Strickland. This is my best impression. My best impression is a professional pool player.

Let's go. For real. His voice or just the way he is? No, it was a video of me doing an impression of him. I sound exactly like him. Awesome. And I say the crazy, he's a genius. Genius pool, one of the greatest pool players of all time. But like all people that are incredible at what they do, they're nuts. Yeah.

Almost all people that are really, really good at things are out of their fucking mind. Oh, yeah. And he's out of his fucking mind. And he's famous for things like he puts ankle weights on his wrists when he plays and tapes up his fingertips and puts shooting goggles on. Meanwhile, he's one of the greatest pool players that's ever lived. Wow. So he has all these gadgets and shit he does, but I do this impression to him. Play it for me, because you've got to hear him talk. Mr. Earl Strickland, ladies and gentlemen. That's my buddy Justin. Earl, how are you doing tonight, man?

*laughs* *laughs*

So this is now, you've got to listen to the guy. Doesn't even sound like you. But listen to the guy. That's like, if that guy was famous, yeah, I could do like a whole tour as him. Oh my God. That's your next chapter, dude. I could do a tour of pool halls. Oh my God. Meet and greets with that guy. But that's the only one I could do that good. Well, here's the thing. Even that voice, I'm like, dude, that's a Kill Tony guy. You see that guy come on? Right. This is him. It was just the best players in the world playing.

Bro, you nailed it. I know how to do his voice. That was the biggest thing. Oh, Joe. It was a beautiful game. It was played by a bunch of ugly people. The Stash, bro. Yeah, he's a wizard. Now, is he so famous that, like, a biopic is in the works if something happened? They could do a biopic of Earl Strickland, and I could play Earl Strickland. I can't play as good as Earl Strickland and not built like Earl Strickland, but I could definitely do an Earl Strickland impression. Oh, my God.

He'd be so mad at me. You met him, yeah? Yeah, I met him. He was happy when I met him. I ran into him, and he was like, why are you picking on me? I go, dude, I'm a giant fan. It's the only way I could do an impression of you that good. I'm a huge fan. And we became friendly. But then I tried to get him on the podcast, and he doesn't want to come on. He's mad at me for something.

Doing his voice? I keep fucking saying he's mediocre. He did a podcast saying that he turned me down, that he didn't want to do my podcast. I'm like, okay. Oh, God. I'm only a fan. Yeah. I'm only telling... I only joke it around because I think you're awesome. Is pull your...

Oh, man, how do I ask this question? Not vice. Number one, if you had the ideal day, like a joint, a show, maybe post-show for however long and you're hanging. Obviously, I know you like your dinners and whatnot, but is pool your true, like you're in your happy place zen? Well, to me, it's like a game that's also a mind cleanser. And the social aspect of it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Social aspect. Well, if you're hanging around a pool hall, for sure. Yeah.

Also, it's like pool players are also obsessed with it the way you're obsessed with it. So you can talk about stuff that you can't talk about with other people, like tip millimeter sizes and carbon fiber shafts and shit. Nobody wants to talk about that.

But the pool players can't wait to talk. Yeah, so you're talking about these weird aspects of the very particular aspects of this game but while you're doing it when you're just trying to concentrate on running out and just trying to concentrate on putting that cue ball Perfect for the next ball perfect for the next you think at three balls ahead You're plotting your lines and you're going to you there's no room for anything else. There's no room for oh

oh, I forgot to call that guy back. Oh, I got to do this. Oh, I got to do that. Oh, I didn't do this today. There's no room. While you're shooting, it's a mind cleanser. So all the things, should I do this? Should I do that? All that goes away. And it just cleans your mind out because it requires all of you to make a hard, especially on tight pockets,

a long shot on tight pipe. It requires all of you to stay in line, have your stroking arm follow through smooth, have the proper grip on the cue where you're not gripping it too tight. You're cradling it like a little baby bird, like a little baby bird in your hand. And you're just letting that cue wait and the

the acceleration from your arm pushed through that ball and you want to watch that spin as it collides with the other ball and moves perfectly to the next ball. That requires all of you. So while you're doing that, it cleans your head out.

Dude, Strickland, you're just making me realize, is like Bob Ross for pool. The way that you described all that, I was like, dude, that all made sense. You just basically broke down pool in the most beautiful way. And it really is, there's so much finesse, there's so much strategy, there's athleticism involved. There's a little bit of body control. I wouldn't call it athleticism, but you have to have execution. You have to be able to execute the shots.

And that requires like a finesse that's learned over thousands and thousands and thousands of shots. I thought I was going to be a pro pool player at one point. Really? My mom was a...

single mom, four jobs, ran an assisted living homes, you know, activities. That was one of the jobs like the bring in, you know, our school choirs and then just coming up with games for them. And so I'd go there for a lot of times after school. And there was a guy that was like, I don't know the fucking janitor. Who knows if this guy even like worked there, but all of a sudden I'd always be upstairs with him playing pool and my sister. And, and he just like was so good and would like show us trick shots. And I got so into it. It was one of those things you got so into for like three, four years.

And then, I don't know, girls. Yeah, but if you got someone who's good that showed you how to do it right, that's huge. I always think back every now and then, not always, but think back to like, oh man, what if I had really made that a thing? Because, I mean, who knows where I was, but all I know is I was playing, like anything as a kid, right? I was playing all the time.

to where I was like, oh man, what if that was like... That would have been crazy. If I knew you from the pool world instead of the comedy world, that would be crazy. I know, right? Yeah. But then you probably would have had this thing in your head like, I think I could do comedy.

Oh, yeah. I think I could do it. You know, that thing that you had in your head before you ever started doing it, like that little voice. It's like, maybe you should do comedy. Oh, that was me on the bus impersonating, doing Ace Ventura scenes. So I was a fat kid, and then I was getting teased all the time. You got a glow up. Look at you, you handsome bastard. Fat kid to a glow up. So I took care of myself.

I'm trying to take care of myself. You're like the guy in It 2. Remember the fat kid in It 2 comes back buff and handsome in It 2? You don't remember? I watched it the other day. In It 1, the chubby kid gets cut up by the bully. Remember that? Then in It 2, now he's a stud.

He's got like a six-pack, beautiful man. Like something happened. Oh, yeah. We're still working on that, but yeah. You got to glow up. I appreciate it. Yeah, well, I was getting teased all the time, so it was fat kid. And then I started making friends laugh, and they were like, oh, you're the funny kid. So then I was like, oh, this is making them laugh, which feels good. And then it's also changing the way they're looking at me, which I felt like a crazy superpower. I mean, it was sixth grade, and I was just, you know, it was crazy.

I just was like, oh, I got to chase this then. So then it was, you know, but I was doing it naturally. I wasn't going out of my way to do it. It just came like I was, I'd watch Ace Ventura. Then I was like, oh, I want to, you know, do that to a couple of friends on the bus. And now I'm like telling stories. And then I would prank call Seattle sports radio stations and record it on like my, my first Sony and play it for friends on the bus. And they'd be like, just seeing them laugh was fun or prank call. One of the first things I did was there was a girl in our class that everybody had a crush on. And, uh,

Me too. But she was like, you have bigger tits than me. Why would I like you? And so I called my buddy who she ended up dating and pretend to be her, as I called him, with other friends. Kind of diabolical. Jesus. You could do an impression of her that's that good? In fourth grade, yeah. Remember my voice? I didn't sound like this. Right, when you were in fourth grade. That's insane, dude. So even back then you were doing that? Yeah. Impersonating teachers and whatnot. And then, yeah. That's hilarious. But the chasing of it was, which is why...

I was telling somebody this the other day, Jim Carrey, when he came through, when he was scouting for him, dying up here at the comedy store and I had never met him and he's walking through and Adam, he gets walking him through and you know, that movie was so influential on me, Jim Carrey in general, but like how much I was like, you know, involving it in making people laugh. He walks. Was it a movie or was it a television show? Ace Ventura? No, no. The, the comedy store thing. Oh, a television show on Showtime. Right. Yeah. Okay. So he's coming through the back bar. I think he was going to do roast battle. I'm saying the back bar, uh,

or the main bar of the store, and he walks through, and Adam's like, hey, Adam, it's Jim Carrey. And I go, and Jim goes, okay, man, and then keeps walking. I was like,

Rob the bartender was like dude you fucking what was that and I was like I couldn't I don't know communicate And then I put it all together, and I was like oh dude like I'm sure subconsciously in that moment I was like oh dude this guy You know whether it was all about it or not like me just telling you all the stuff about the movie and influencing me and and Giving me the confidence to like want to try to make people laugh. He was your Jesus Jesus

Mean I think so man, so it was put me on the track to try to and now that's my life I don't know right maybe I'm getting too heady about it. Oh, you're not getting too heady. No, I appreciate what you're saying Yeah, that's exactly what it is like he is the guy that started the spark right? He's the guy that inspired I think so impressions of him getting laughs is what got you down the road Yeah, yeah, so you meeting him was a freakout. Yeah, he should be used to freakouts by now

Like, you're fucking Jim Carrey, dude. Yeah. But I bet he gets bugged out by people that don't act normal around him. Sure. You know what I mean? He's probably so tired of it. Yeah, maybe he'd appreciate that. And then Adam later was like, dude, you fucking froze in front of Jim Carrey, man. That's a great Adam impression. Dude, he was right there. I don't know. He's probably coming back. You saw Santino. I don't know. He's not going to be back. He hasn't been here in 30 years, and now he's definitely not coming back because you fucking stared at him weird. I love Adam. Shut up. Shut up, Adam Egan. Ah.

That's a perfect Adam Egan. But, you know, those guys, I think that being that famous for that long is like radiation poisoning. I think so. You know, I think you have to have a very unique constitution to live near Chernobyl. Oh, yeah. And I think that a guy that's that famous for that long probably goes a little insane. Wild, yeah. And he also, like, became insane, I think, when he was doing Andy Kaufman. He became like Andy Kaufman for like a year. Fuck.

I know. I need to be taking a pay. Like, what if that happens to me with this Phil thing? No. Yeah, I know. I can separate. You separate. You're talking to me before you went on stage. You weren't Phil. You were just you. Can you imagine, fuck, if I was just like, Joe, you excited for tonight's show? I would understand. I'd go, yes. Yeah, Phil, what's up? Yeah.

Told Jay I said hi. Shit. I should have done it. Dude, that coat you were wearing that night, like you were, I mean, it was incredible, dude. And you looked like, with your shades and that jacket. I just wanted to be ridiculous because we're at Madison Square Garden. I love it, dude. You were adding to the show. Yeah, it just, to me, it felt like this is so big I should dress preposterous. I feel preposterous. Can I ask where you get a jacket like that? Nordstrom's.

Let's go. Shout out to Nordstrom's. Let's go. No animals died in the making of that jacket. A couple Muppets, maybe. Only a few seals probably choked to death on the oil that spilled out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, is that even eco-friendly when people have fake fur? I guess they think that it causes less death, but...

But I wonder if overall it does. I wonder if like what is the amount of life lost through the petrochemical production of nylon versus beaver trapping? How many lives get lost because of the actual production of fake leathers and plastics and chemicals? How many things go into the ocean? How many things die?

Because they get poisoned by the runoff. Yeah, how many where are these things made? Let's ask Siri right? Where is this stuff made is this stuff made in some third world country that doesn't have any environmental regulations? And they're just dumping this waste into the river which we know has happened is Like but you feel better because you're wearing a fake fur like I'm not sure I know I'm not sure I think we might be better off just using real fur maybe

I bet we are. Yeah, but it's just cruel. The idea of killing an animal just for its skin is just cruel. Pretty wild. It's wild, but I mean, we kill them for food.

It's weird be like there's places that are fur free zones now. Okay, right like States like places you can't sell furs I bet you could still wear them. We is America Yeah, but here's the thing you can't sell fur. I think you can't sell fur in parts of Los Angeles See if that's true sounds about right. I think they put a ban on selling fur and

But you can still sell leather. Do you know how fucking insane you are? When you have animal skin on almost everything. You have animal skin on the inside of your car. You have animal skin on your shoes. You have animal skin on your belt. You have animal skin on your wallet. You have animal skin everywhere. If it's better, it's leather upholstered. Look. Look at this beautiful leather upholstery. It's better if it has leather. So you have animal skin everywhere.

Everywhere as long as there's no fuzz on first sales are illegal in California 2019 state of California the first state to ban fur States governor Gavin Newsom signed into law a b44 which bans the sales and manufacturing of new clothing and accessories made from fur I get it I get people wanting to be Kind and not kill an animal for its fur. I totally understand where you're coming from. I

But it is a little weird that we're okay with leather. Yeah. It's a little weird. Yeah. And don't ban leather, you motherfuckers. That's not my point. My point is, shut the fuck up and let people do whatever they want to do.

I don't think you should ban furs. I don't want one. I'd rather have a fake one, you know? What do you think about the text? Just because I feel bad. Yeah. But I mean, but I get it. If I was living in a place where they couldn't, like, where did it all come from, right? It came from, that was the only way to stay alive. People wore big ass fur coats because it protects you. They don't wear fur coats. The Inuits don't wear fur coats because it looks cool.

They want to stay alive. Yeah, it's warmth. Yeah, that's all it is. It's the best way to stay alive, especially when you're getting it from these animals that you're killing. Yeah. Like, that's literally how you get your clothes and your food. It's from these animals. That's the origin of it all. Now it's like a weird thing because you're wearing it to show everyone you're a baller. You come in in a full-length mink coat. What's up, player? Yeah. Woo!

Like my ostrich hat. Yeah, you just you have feathers on your cap from some exotic bird that had lost its fucking life so you can look like a pimp and you just stroll in wearing gold all over your hands and fingers. It's an alligator pussy ring.

diamonds carved out of the ground by child labor, you know, and you're just glittering and shining. You have to walk in like that, by the way. Yeah, if you've got a fur coat on, you've got to walk in like this. Even though the coat's doing the talking for you. My friend Bill had one. I put one on once. I was like, oh, my God, this thing's amazing. We were in Aspen, and he had a mink coat. I go, what is that? What is that coat? Let me try that on. I put it on. I was like, oh, my God. Wow. This is amazing. Yeah. It insulates you so perfectly. You're just like pimps.

pimps made mink coats popular is that I don't know who made mink coats popular but they're popular with rich ladies rich ladies yeah it's rich ladies and then it's like I think pimps caught on because it wasn't when a lot of Joe Namath didn't Joe Namath like famously wear like a mink coat yes yeah baller shit

Ballers it looks yeah, but back then people didn't think twice because everybody's just trying to stay alive They were just trying to not starve to death right? And once things get soft and sweet and people who started doing way better Yeah, you know in society. You know it's like you don't worry about starving to death I was like hey Why are we killing these little animals for their let them live family? What do you think about the taxidermy stuff like the full-on people that have like rooms with just a

I don't do that with animals I hunt because I like what's called a European mount and a European mount is the skull with the antlers on it. Just the actual skull. Yeah.

I know what it looked like. I don't want a fake representation of it on my wall. It's basically a doll. First of all, the people that do it are amazing. And the art of it is pretty incredible. Because it is an art form. What you're doing is you're using this mold, right? So you have a mold that's roughly the size of the torso of the animal that you killed. They have a photograph of the animal that you killed. And then they take the skin from the animal that you killed and mold it around this foam and do it so perfectly that...

That it looks just like the animal they put fake eyes and they they do it all up and it's got the antlers from the actual animal right and they've made a fake version of this animal you killed I get it. Yeah, I get it, but it's not for me right also I don't know I feel like I would get pretty baked my own house and have some some late-night freakouts at some of these. Yeah, I

things that look super well a buddy of mine has a full house of them he's um his name's doug he lives in jersey and uh but he's into it for the yeah the the artistic like he says it's beautiful it's got this big um jimmy you don't have that thing i was gonna show joe do you the little trailer

So I made this doc called Doug about my friend who was a lifeguard when he was 21 in the 70s, jumped into a pool in Jersey to save a kid who was faking drowning. And he ended up being paralyzed from the neck down. And his brother, Brian, who was an accountant, quit doing that.

to save his brother mentally, physically. He was in the hospital, wanted to die, was like, leave me in the pool. I don't want to live like this. He was a college football star, you know, going to be a lawyer. Brian not only gets him physically fit and mentally stable, you know, to a place to where he wants to live, gets him so strong that he enters the Paralympics.

Ends up becoming the world champ, setting all the world records, gets on the cover of a Wheaties box, travels the world with Michael Jordan, Joe Montana, Bo Jackson, speaking to people all over the world, becomes a criminal lawyer, helps get the Disability Act going. And so I meet Brian, who's now a physical therapist to the stars in New York.

And he goes, he's telling me about his brother. He's like, dude, you gotta meet my brother, Doug. This guy's a fucking, he's incredible. Come to New Jersey and meet my brother. You can hear him. It's as good as your Strickland impression. And so I go to Jersey and I see his place. He shows me all these pictures and videos of him with the Pope and Christopher Reeve and Regis and Kathy Lee. And I'm like, holy shit. Is this doc out already? Yeah, it's on YouTube. And I just, it's a one minute trailer. Let's see the trailer. Let's see the trailer. Thanks, brother. So I directed it. It's the first time. The Doug Harris story.

From the Wheaties cereal box to the electives. It was 1978 when Doug Eyre, as a lifeguard, dove into a pool to save a drowning boy. When I dove in, this stand kicked back and my head hit the bottom of the pool. There's no praying. I don't feel my legs. I don't feel anything. I'm screaming to the guards, come on, come on! My life, it like ended and began right at that moment.

My brother, he goes, you're not going to get scrawny arms. And he would duct tape one pound wrist weights to my hand. They told me about wheelchair sports. He goes out in the field, breaks the first world record, breaks the second world record, breaks the third. Jaffa, shop of distance, Doug Hamill.

Dude, that's badass.

Crazy story. That's a crazy story. So I went out there and I was like, I at least had to film the interviews and their mom just passed with Brian, Doug, and because the story of the brother, you know, just being there for Doug is wild and inspiring. And I don't know. I don't know.

Having that amount of pictures and video to accompany any doc, I feel like it's pretty imperative. And it was overwhelming. So I was like, I'm going to come out and at least interview you guys. And then it took a couple of years to put it all together. But it's on my YouTube channel, youtube.com slash Adam Ray Comedy. I tried to pitch it a few places. Didn't really have enough juice. And then I was like, I'm just going to put it up because I want them to... It should be out there. A movie on that story. I mean, it's wild, Joe. I'll text you a link. It's only 50 minutes. So you've never...

did a documentary or anything like this before? First one directed, yeah. That's crazy. So you just got inspired because of this guy's story to put this together? 1000%. I was like, I can't believe that your story is not more... I go...

I'm like, how the fuck have I not heard about this? And, you know, I've talked to a few people since who have been like, oh, I remember seeing something on the news about this. Yeah, fucking a quick news, a 10 second whatever. But like, and Brian's such a character. The brother, that's who I was doing the voice of. That's a great impression. His voice, that is right. It might be better than my earth struggle. Easy. But Brian now is, that's his life now. So that's also crazy. He dedicated his life to helping his brother and now he is

to the stars in New York and whoever else. I mean, he'll be on a, I flew him to Vegas once when I had a major back thing and three days of aggressive stretching and fucking fixed me and on the plane, he's like, there's a woman next to me and her shoulder was fucking fucked up. Like, fix his shoulder. She was able to do that for fucking 40 years. Now she can't.

And he kept telling me about Doug and I was like... What did he do to her shoulder that let her... I don't know. Just fucking licked it or something. I don't know. He just... He did a little... I don't know. Release some kind of manual release guy. There's a name for the type of physical therapist he is, but he says that in case people don't understand, but he's a wizard man and he...

Yeah, so I was like, I need to do this. Does he do rolfing? Is it that kind of stuff? What's that? That's that really painful kind of soft tissue manipulation. You ever had it done? No. It's brutal, man. Oh, really? I mean, that's why I say aggressive stretching. It's really... But he just... A lot of unlocking things, a lot of... But there's days when I've seen him...

I stuck around New York an extra day to get worked on. And, you know, I get just from flying and carrying a lot of shit here, my quads get real tight all the time. And, and so, you know, I'm just not stretching enough, which I know I got to, but you know, he's like, I could use two more days with you to like really get you, you know, loosen you up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, um, I've been doing a lot of stretching lately because I, I,

I'd done a lot of like get especially getting ready for the special I was working out a lot also to calm my mind Yeah, and I might have overdid it a little bit and so I just was sore man My back was sore you feel on stage as you were moving around and then in I decided on Saturday no not on stage just Mostly like when I wake up in the morning. Yeah, I'm going a little too hard here right but I was what it really was I wasn't stretching enough and

And everything was just tight because I was doing a lot of kettlebell shit. And it was just tight. And I spent like two and a half hours on Saturday just stretching in my hotel room. Just stretching. That's all I did. I just watched some YouTube videos and stretched.

And I felt 100% better. Yeah, of course you did. And I was like, oh, you fucking idiot. You should be doing this all the time. I know. I need to do long stretch sessions like that all the time. That's patience, man. Two and a half hours? Yeah, just watch YouTube. Just put your phone down and watch some fucking documentary. You have no excuse to not. I know. I tell my sister that now, too, when she's like, I need to find more time to exercise and this and that. I'm like, dude, you watch shows every day.

Like already after work. Just like for even 20 minutes, like walk around and just, you know, space out. Well, it's also if you want to exercise, like get on some kind of a cardio machine and watch a movie on an iPad. Yeah. It's a cheat code. Yeah. It's a cheat code. It's how I watch anything is on the bike. But it's the best way to distract yourself from the fact that you're exhausted. Totally. If you watch a good movie with headphones on and an iPad on like a stationary bike. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You can enjoy the movie. Yeah. You actually can enjoy the movie and actually put in some serious cardio. Yeah. And you'll be distracted. So you won't be thinking about the fact you're exhausted on the bike. You'll be thinking about, oh, my God, don't go in the basement. Yeah. Yeah.

They're going to the basement. I can't fucking believe this movie is insane. This fucking movie is insane. Yeah, yeah. Especially a good thriller, you know? Oh, yeah. That keeps you engaged. What's your go-to workout movie? Can you not watch? Are you a re-watcher? Yes. John Wick. John Wick's the greatest ever workout movie. Whoa. Ever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I have a confession. Haven't seen it. Oh my God. It's like a girl saying she hasn't seen Barbie. Put it up, Jamie. No. It's like a girl saying she hasn't seen Barbie, really. Right. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's the most insanely violent movie of all time. It's so insane. Yeah, it's so Keanu. It's so ridiculous. And they've made 15.

They need four of them. Yeah. I think. Four? Right, yeah. I remember hearing this last one. It was the talk of the town. People were like... It's a fun movie. Yeah. But it's a really good movie to work out to because it's just so crazy. Cool. Because so many people are getting killed. You're just like... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

You get in those extra reps to watching people engage. You get fired up from it. Mortal Kombat. Wow, yeah. It's a crazy movie. Mortal Kombat. Remember when that became a game? Oh, yeah. Dude, I understood why my mom was like, you can't play video games. Because I remember sitting downstairs. I had my bar mitzvah. She goes, I'm not buying you a video game system, but you can use some of your Jew money to buy. She didn't say that. She goes, you can buy some of your...

So you can buy, what does she did? She goes, you can use some of your money from gifts to buy. And so I bought a Super Nintendo and then I got, I think, a Sega and then Mortal Kombat, or my buddy had a Sega and we played Mortal Kombat. And I remember just being like, what is happening right now? We went from Street Fighter, which is, you know, throwing, you know, Harukits and whatnot, and then just ripping a guy's cock off. Yeah.

Yeah, you could kill people. They'd shim. Yeah. You'd pull their fucking skull out with their spine attached to it. Pretty cool. And then just go have a fucking crustable right after. And it's very addictive. All those games are very addictive. Were you ever a gamer? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was your? Quake. But it's just because they're fun. Yeah. It's like they're not addictive because they suck. They're awesome. Yeah, dude. They're just too awesome. Yeah. Like playing Quake is too awesome. It's crazy fast-paced. You're shooting rockets at people. They're electrocuting you to death. Yeah. It's nuts. Yeah. You know, and it's such an adrenaline rush that you just don't want to stop. You just want to go to the next game. Oh, yeah. Go to the next game. Keep playing. Keep playing. Next thing you know, you're exhausted. You're dehydrated. You haven't had any food in eight hours. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

What's wrong with you? And then you have to go to bed. You're lying in bed like, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I still awake? This is crazy. I've only played...

Halo a handful of times my younger brother is pretty obsessed, but he's really good And I played it online and I was real high so I started to kind of get emotionally invested to where like I'd see guys getting shot and I was like fuck I can't you know my heart was beating so fast. It was too much I probably if I was sober I would have been less. You lost a comrade. You felt real connected to it. I did I was fucked up. Well they have virtual reality ones now my friend Matt Sarah He plays these virtual reality. With the goggles? Which the one that Matt plays? What is that the game he plays?

Population one. Population one. So it's a VR shooter. Oh, yeah. So he's running around with VR goggles on. So he really feels like he's in the game. And he's like, get down, get down. They're shooting at each other and shit. It's nuts. Oh, my God. He's got the goggles on. He's like in his fucking house. It's just moving.

Move it around. Give me that security footage. So you feel like you're in a war. Yeah. Like you're so immersed in it. This video game is now a whole next level experience. Yeah. Because just in front of the computer is pretty involving. Yeah. You get the headphones on, especially with these computer games now have 3D sound. So you hear sound coming from there. Oh, yeah. You know, there's guys over there. Ah!

You know, you run towards them. You smack your wife, yeah. I mean, yeah, that's true. Well, that's another thing about these goddamn games. You can beat the shit out of people. Like, there's a lot of, like, what is it, Red Dead? Red Dead Redemption, right? Yeah, where you, like, take someone and fucking tie a noose to their neck and drag them behind your horse. Like, you can do...

Wild shit you could drown a prostitute in the river. Yeah, you do wild shit and people like hey Maybe you shouldn't be able to do this fucking game. This is a little crazy seven-year-old shouldn't be able to see that That's possible. Yeah, it shouldn't be able to beat a prostitute with a shovel. Yeah, like what are you doing? Maybe a super soaker just hit her in the face or something? Yeah, something lighter Well, it's just the whole game is chaos. You know, it's like you but you you could do chaos to anybody just like Grand Theft Auto You could do chaos to anybody

First time playing that, though, and driving down Sunset and seeing the Comedy Store was pretty cool. I think Grand Theft Auto, I think I read this, they were comparing the amount of money that Grand Theft Auto has generated versus almost any other movie, game, in comparison to how it does to big Hollywood blockbusters. How much money has Grand Theft Auto generated?

That has got to be one of the most popular games of all time. A thousand percent. That may be... It's about stealing cars. Yeah. Over $8.5 billion. Yo. Good call, dude. Yo. We'll be right back. That's a fucking... Holy shit, dude. That's so much money. That's so much money. Joe, that's wild. Thanks for pulling that stat up. Now, do you think you deserve that amount of money?

What have you done other than show teenagers it's possible to beat, steal, and rob from a hooker? Hold that thought. We'll be right back. Do you remember the guy who used to run bum fights? Yes. And he came on Dr. Phil as Dr. Phil. Yes. He shaved his head, the top of his head. Joe, that's what we could do. You want to come on the Dr. Phil live show and be that guy? All we got to do is throw a stash on you. That guy, he fucking- Phil goes, what are you doing? And he goes, what? What? He goes, what are you doing? What are you doing?

What are you doing? And he's like, I'm doing what you're doing. I'm exploiting people. He's like, I don't like it. Get out of here. Yeah. Get out of here. There's Robin. Dude just kicked him off his set. But it was weird, right? Because you knew that's what he did. Of course. And you invited him on the show. Yeah. He probably just didn't like that reaction.

path of the argument. That path is a legitimate path. Do you think he knew? Maybe he didn't know he was going to get into full makeup because I'm sure Phil's not visiting the guests, right? Listen, this is not a surprise. If you think I exploit people, every time you bring a guest on this show, you exploit them and spread whatever problems they have to the whole world. You think that's helping them? Keep telling yourself that. You can go. You know what? Who do you think you are, huh?

Bye. Come on. Huh? No, I'm not finished talking to you. Yeah, you are. No, I'm not. Yeah, you are. Yeah, you're done. Yeah, you are. Don't even grab a complimentary Dr. Phil hat. Just go.

I hate me right now. I mean, this guy. Yeah. The thing about that guy, though, is that guy, that bum fights thing was crazy. It was wild. That guy paid people to pull their teeth out. Yeah. There's some awful, awful shit. Yeah, you want to talk about using YouTube for the wrong reason. Well, it wasn't YouTube. It wasn't? No, these were cassettes. It was like VHSs. Maybe my first taste of bum fights were. What was bum fights originally released on?

I don't believe it was YouTube. I think it was pre-YouTube. Yeah, no, it was sold for 22 bucks a piece. So, bum fights... So, people were either... DVDs, I guess. Was bum fights for people that couldn't get Girls Gone Wild? Like, because those were both probably popping off. But basically what bum fights was was a lot of shit that you see already on the internet. You see... How many...

Bum fights have you actually seen on the internet? I've seen so many guys that are like on heroin fistfight in the streets of Los Angeles like This is shitload of videos of bums duking it out their pants fall down guy gets kicked in the head knocked unconscious There's a lot of that that you can find yeah, I get sent it all the time by Tom Segura, right? Yeah, he sends a cell phone footage of no

Instagram reels. Oh, yeah. Like, terrible things that you can see people just doing to each other all over the... So the thing is, like, this guy made a living off of it, though. And he was, like, selling...

these DVDs. And I think we didn't want to admit that people want to see that. Just like we don't want to admit people want to drown hookers and read that shit, but they do. They do. They do want to see that. If you let people slap each other in the face on television, people will tune in. Oh yeah. If you let people dress up like fucking medieval knights and sword fight, they, people will watch. Yeah. That is 100% of fact. Yeah. And,

Back then, we didn't want to believe that. And there was no internet. So we didn't really understand our nature until the internet came along. Dude, think about two girls, one cup. Think about porn. Think about the amount of porn that gets digested by the average American male versus that of 1950. Okay.

Oh, God. There's a huge difference. Guys were jerking off to underwear ads, okay? Guys were starving for things to jerk off to. Now that's weird. Yeah, they were jerking off to memory. They had no idea. We had a lot of solid imaginations probably in the 50s, 60s, and 70s. That's all you needed back then. It's a good idea in your head. That's why...

That's all you had. That's all you had. And then now everyone has a phone and anyone's phone can connect to a plethora of porn sites. I had a guy on my flight about three months ago. No joke. Porn on the phone, no headphones. Jesus. Yep. Heard like, oh, fuck my butt. Fuck my butt. Oh my God. And then was just kind of like, like, and then saw, saw the, you know, people kind of like turning people. No one wanted to citizens arrest this guy. So everyone was kind of like, he probably was doing it to make people uncomfortable. For sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Because what is the law? It was wild. I mean, I was two rows behind him. Are you allowed to do that? Like, what's the law? I think it's probably illegal, but... Right, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Like, you shouldn't be looking at his... But if you can hear it. Yeah. Like, what is the law, right? Yeah. Because if, like, what if you're playing a podcast that's offensive? What if you're playing a podcast on your phone that makes me upset, but you're playing it? I have to listen to it. I'm getting upset. Right. What is the law on that? Right. I feel like you're allowed to do that, right? So...

If you're allowed to say, like, fuck that guy and fuck this, but you can't say fuck my butt, it gets a little weird. Right. It gets a little weird. Yeah. Because, like, it's his phone. Why are you even looking at what's on his phone? Totally. You shouldn't be a fucking... You're two rows back. Put your headphones on. How about stop paying attention to his phone? Right. But also...

Why does he have porn on his phone and it's loud right like I don't think is it a public is almost like urinating in public decency thing like you can't It's just like that according to the law that I'm looking up you can't pee in public or watch someone talk about peeing right But can you listen that's what I'm saying like what is the law in like because are you a peeping Tom if you're listening? Yeah defendant convicted of watching porn in parking lot fails in constitutional challenge to public order

Obscenity law watching pornography in public in public serves no legitimate purposes unless you want to fucking jizz like a racehorse You're trying to get first-class to turn things up a notch doing so with one's window down and at a restaurant's busy parking lot in full view of families recklessly exposed pornography to young children Oh, well, this is a little different This is like a business and he got in there with his window rolled down and he's beaten off He might be a little bit of a freak

But it depends on like, was he in the corner of the parking lot away from everybody? Yeah. Like was he by himself? He's like, I just got to rub this out. I got to make a decision right now. I'm real confused.

You know, it could have been like a mental health thing. You know, like, look, I'm losing my mind here. This thing says the public libraries can't block porn and it's not illegal to watch. Wow. I'm not saying that. No way. That's just what this says. That's crazy. Look at libraries staying cool and hip. If that's true, how many people are jerking off in San Francisco in a library right now? Oh, I don't know. A thousand percent of the people attending the library? Hundreds. Hundreds, yeah. I would certainly recommend against doing this one lawyer says. Yeah.

But he said Missouri. Scroll back up. It said under Missouri statutes, depending on the exact circumstances, the prosecutor could file at least two different charges. But this is Missouri. Every state's different with that, too. Right. But wasn't the article about San Francisco or any public library? Yeah, this is just public library. Oh, it's any public library. Oh, my God.

I almost got arrested for taking photos mooning a camera when we were like 21 or something. Yo, that's how crazy San Francisco is. He didn't even say San Francisco. I assumed. Wow. I just assumed, right? We didn't even bring up. In my head, I'm like, it has to be San Francisco.

That's so crazy. That's how crazy San Francisco's gotten, where a story comes up, and it's almost like the Bernstein Bears. What's that called? Yeah. The Bernstein. The Mandela Effect. The Mandela Effect, yeah. The Bernstein Bear Effect? Yeah, well, it's the Mandela Effect, because people thought the Mandela died in jail, but he didn't. Right, right. And so there's this thing, like, people have, like, a whole narrative in their head. It's like a glitch in the Matrix type thing. I think that might apply to this, because it's...

Like instantly I was like, oh, it happened in San Francisco. I would have told the story. In my head, I would have gone on. Did you hear what happened in San Francisco? That's crazy. You can watch pornography in the fucking library. Meanwhile, it's every library.

Wow. Every library. That's... Is that one person making that? The guy in the parking lot was in New Jersey. Of course he is. You saw the thing. Yeah. Duh. If you had to guess, what state's going to produce the most parking lot jerkers? Did you... New Jersey's on the top of the list. Did you hear that story about the guy? It was maybe a few years ago. It might have actually been during COVID when everyone was doing big work zooms. And the guy thought he turned... They were doing what? Work zooms. I'm sorry. Work zooms. Oh. And he...

Stayed on he didn't turn his computer or sound off. It was one of those things where you log on for the zoom You know the boss like alright guys everyone's here blah blah and then you can just turn your screen off But he didn't turn his off dude Yeah, fucking hundreds of guys got caught I have a bit about it hundreds of guys got caught doing that It was that was that Jeffrey Toobin guy the CNN guy. Yeah, that's I guess a famous. Yeah, but it was like that's a wrap right guys You're fired. He's back

The tubing guy's back. But let's say it was like a Jamba Juice conference and you're on Zoom and you get like... Yeah, likely it's a wrap. It's a wrap. But if you're a rapper, no big deal at all. Whoops, I didn't know the camera was on. Sorry. Sorry, yeah. Also, you're welcome for getting to see some beautiful... I don't think no one tells you you're welcome if you're getting caught doing that. But it's one of those things where it's just like,

Here's an article from the UK where it says it's debatable whether porn use... Is even illegal. It should be. The best hope for prosecution currently looks to be an offense against public decency.

But what an archaic notion that sounds now. Isn't that weird? When was this written? If the government wants to retrieve any credibility from this debacle, it could order a legal review. Can old laws be repurposed or is new legislation required? That's interesting because when all these laws are put in place, they probably never anticipated porn on the internet. No. Especially the way it is now. Great point. You know, we talk about businesses that never got bailed out.

That's this is what imagine if I told you there was a business and this business is going to eat up about 30 plus percent of all the internet traffic and this business is used by some Ungodly percentage of men way more than it takes to elect a president right was take the election president, you know 51% yeah way more than 51% guys have used pornography and

But yet, when that business stopped making money because DVD sales went away, nobody talked about a bailout of porn. Just shut the fuck up. Bailout banks, bailout this business and that business. Too big to fail, but not the porn business. Everybody's like, I don't even know what you're talking about. Is it still real? I didn't even know they were making porn anymore. I mean, I don't even watch it. Did you see the Ashley Madison doc? What is that? Ashley Madison was- Oh, is that the dating site? Yeah, the site where people could have affairs. Oh.

That's right. So it is a wild. It's. Oh, they got doxxed, right? Didn't something happen? Yeah, they got hacked. Yeah. Yeah. And so they basically, it was, yeah, people signed up to have a, it was a. Wild folk. Just a whole website full of wild folk. Oh, man. Just a bunch of risk takers. Just a bunch of peoples. Just a lot of people doubling down. Yeah, running away from their husband. Hit me on 20s. Yeah. Two o'clock in the afternoon. Yeah. Fucking wild. Meet me at the subway. Yeah, next to the KFC. Let's get wild.

wear that Mike Pence mask. It was, uh, maybe that guy was in the parking lot getting ready for one of them. It was wild dude. Warming up. Yeah. And then they interviewed a couple of couples that were all about, uh, that we're doing it together. That we're just like, that we're just, yeah. Swingers are weird. They're like, they have a missing fuse.

It's like there's something in them that's different. I met a few swingers through Brad Williams, of course, because swingers and little people know each other. Oh, really? There's a direct, yeah. Interesting. Yeah, they have the same... Agents? Yeah. They just so... I met my first through Brad porn stars, swingers, and other little people through Brad, and comedians. But these swingers were wild, dude. I never... I mean, I'm coming from a small town, North Seattle, and like...

I didn't even know... That's somebody that is in my psyche. I'd never met... And so just talking to them so normally was just wild. You know what I'm saying? It was... I did these gigs in... God, I can't remember what state it was. Somewhere in the south. It might have been Nashville. So I did this gig with Ari. And we had this guy drive us from the club. He picks us up at the hotel or at the airport, takes us to the hotel. And...

And then he's driving us to the gig and everything's normal. And then eventually at the end of the weekend, he's driving us to the airport. And when the guy's driving us to the airport, he opens up about his swinger life, like out of nowhere. He's like, you guys ever swing? We have a swinging club in town.

And we're like, swing? Like, what do you mean? He's like, you know, like, wife swap and the like. He goes, I've been doing it for a while. I go, you like swinging? He goes, well, yeah, I love it. Yeah, we swing. You know, my wife fucks with her. I get to decide, though. You know, like, if he's too good looking or he's too buff, I get to decide. I don't like that guy. She can't fuck that guy. And they make, like, decisions like that.

And this guy's just opening up to us out of nowhere, by the way. What preceded that conversation? Nothing. Like fucking zero. It's hot today, huh? Speaking of hot. I like swinging. You guys like swinging? Like what? Out of nowhere, this dude's just chatting it up about the guys he lets his wife fuck.

It was crazy. That's wild. But he was one of them dudes that had a ponytail, but it was also bald. The whole thing was a mess. Of course. He was chaos. He was a human just example. If you bring up swinging unprovoked, you have a ponytail. He was a bizarre character. But it was just, I've only met a few groups of people that are really into that. And one of them was in, I was doing the improv in Tampa.

I did that once. Fun gig. Yeah. Fun gig. Big room. And then this foursome of people were like, we're swingers. You should come. We have a swinger convention. I'm like, get the fuck out of here with this. They looked like people that would be swingers. Wow. Just a mess. Just a mess. Tampa is the swinger capital of the US. That's it. No joke. I had a guy come up to me and proposition me in Kansas City to...

This is when I was featuring for Harland at the Kansas City Improv. And he goes, man, it's funny. He's like, you know, you're my wife. What are you guys doing? You want to fuck my wife? And I was like, what? Had it ever been proposed like that. Then she comes over. What are you guys talking about? I go, oh, he's trying to say he wants us to do something. And he, whatever. She goes, what the fuck? Had no clue that that was even possible.

I was like, oh, he said, and then it was just super weird. She's like, Darryl, what the fuck? Why would you, like, I'm crazy, but what the fuck? I would never do that. And I'm like, oh, this guy must just be going around doing that. Oh, that's his thrill. Yeah. He wants someone to fuck his wife. Or maybe he wanted me to say yeah, and then like. Beat you up? Yeah. Could be. Could be a trap. It was fucking wild. Could be setting a trap. Yeah. Who knows? Who knows? But it's just, that's a weird culture. But.

But, you know, whatever. Not hurting anybody. Dude, exactly. Go fuck each other. Yeah, enjoy it. They have clubs where they go and there's like a whole house filled with people fucking each other. Oh, yeah.

One of my friends, maybe it was Callan, told me he got into a little bang-bang party. It was like in the 90s or something like that. Of course it was. Told me that he went to one of those. He walked in and people were fucking all over the place. Those are the things where you drop your keys in the bowl or you put your phone right? No, that's like a party that they would throw all their keys in the bowl and then the guy would reach in and pull out one of the women's keys. The woman would reach in and pull out one of the guy's keys. And you figured out who you're going home with. Wow. Yeah.

And they just swap, swap wives. Dude. I mean, then that became a show. Yeah. It was,

Is that a wife swap? It was a show? Yeah. Of course it was. I wonder if it's real, though. You know, those shows, they fuck around a lot with those shows. They manipulate reality. I remembered and found this recently. It's a commercial from Ohio, where I'm from. Sun Bubble Hot Tubs? A hot tub place. Oh, bro. Oh, rent a private room. Jamie, I love you for pulling this up. We had one in Seattle called Tubs. Bring your kids. Well, yeah. Kids are swimming in fucking baked jizz. Drop soup in there.

20 bucks an hour or something wild. Oh, that's crazy. But that's like couples. That's a very different thing. Bro, we had a place like this. We had tubs near a comedy club, near Giggles. Did you ever play Giggles in Seattle? That was where I first did an open mic. No, I never did Giggles in Seattle. I did Giggles in Saugus, Massachusetts. Okay, cool.

It was the one comedy club, I guess in the 90s, that was thriving near the University of Washington. And they had a place called Tubbs there. But we also have a place called Tubbs Subs, a sandwich place. So that's all I know about. I'm a little fat kid thinking about sandwiches. And my friend's dad would leave in soccer practice. I'd score to my own team. He called me a fucking idiot. That was a rap for me in soccer.

And so we're driving by and he's like, and I see Tubbs. I'm like, oh, Tubbs. I'm like, we should stop and get some food. You know, we just lost. I scored on my own team. Some sandwiches sounds good. And he's like, oh, that's not, they don't do sandwiches there. It was just the same name. And I was like, oh, what happens there? He's like, people rent hot tubs and they go in there and just kind of hang out. I was like, I had no clue. I was like, what do you mean hang out? He's like, oh, they go in there, you meet somebody, you bring them in, you have some fun. No clue. And then like, you know, 10 years later, I'm like, oh, people were just going there just to fuck. Like you said. In a hot tub. Yeah. Yeah.

It's probably better than a hotel room. For sure. And it's a hot tub. Who doesn't love a hot tub? Yeah, people just want to go and bang it out. Or maybe on a date and you get a wild hair and you want to go to a hot tub room. How do you feel about hotel hot tubs? When you're on the road, yeah, thank you. What are the odds that that's clean? That's dangerous. I know, dude. That's literally... You know a guy got Legionnaire's disease from a hot tub in L.A.?

What is that disease? Oh, it's like a disease that's like archaic. It's like one of those old world diseases that's not supposed to be around anymore. And this guy got it from a fucking hot tub. See if you can find that article. I'm pretty sure it was California that it happened. Yeah, they never cleaned those things. My memory's a little foggy on where it was. But maybe I'm thinking everything crazy that's in California today.

You know, I assume that other story was from San Francisco. Yeah. But this guy, he got in a stanky ass hot tub and he got Legionnaire's disease and fucking died. You can die from it? Bro, he died. Yeah, he died. Do you have it? Because if you don't, I saved the article. Yeah. I definitely saved it on my phone because I was like, this is the craziest fucking story of all time. Just going to relax.

So, this is in 2023. California spas believed to be the source of an outbreak of Legionnaire's disease that caused the illness of multiple people and the deaths of two. Contra Costa Health announced Monday it has been investigating Zenday Spa in Contra Costa, California since August. How about you step in? I'm fucking...

How about don't investigate? Just fucking test the water. That's so crazy. One dead, 11 sick in a Legionnaire's disease outbreak in Napa. Oh my God. It's a hot tub disease. Yeah, that's got to be a rapper. Man who died of Legionnaire's disease from Bay Area Spa was celebrating his birthday. Oh God, dude. A hot tub birthday gone wrong. It's your birthday. I want to take you to the hot tub. He had a Groupon. Oh my God. So did all the other people that jizzed in that pond. Oh yeah.

That's what's so disgusting. It's probably just a combination of jizz meets shit. And this just becomes this monster virus that kills people that are trying to celebrate their birthday. What the fuck? Yeah, bring your kids. Bring your kids to the spa. Catch Legionnaire's disease.

What is that? I don't have a health permit. Oh, why should they? It's only a spa where you're naked. It's wild that- In a tub of water. Why would they have a health permit? Why would they even check? Yeah, a hot tub is a wild invention. I mean, even a public hot tub is just such a wild idea. Like, what are you doing? Water that gets hot like that is so perfect for bacteria. Yeah. It's so wonderful. If you don't have the right amount of poison in there, which is what it is, when you're pouring chlorine in there, you're just killing everything that's alive. Oh, yeah.

Severe pneumonia. Oh, wow. It's a severe form of pneumonia, lung inflammation, usually caused by infection. It's caused by a bacterium known as Legionella. Why did they name it Legionnaires disease? Let's Google that. Because it sounds like some shit that happened in the old world. It does.

There's a bunch of diseases that are starting to emerge in the homeless community in Los Angeles that are ancient diseases. No shit from what? I think they got typhus just from being disgusting. The American Legion State Convention in Philadelphia. What? Okay, it's commonly known as Legionellosis, which is a generic term for a respiratory infection caused by the Legionella bacteria.

This disease is named after a deadly outbreak of pneumonia in 1976 that occurred during people attending the American Legion's state convention in Philadelphia. Legionella sounds like Coachella for people that have swallowed a lot of hot tub cum. So that's why they named it Legionnaire's disease? Because it happened during that, that was the outbreak? Oh, man. Wow. Yeah, no thanks. What is the American Legion? What's that?

What's the convention of the American Legion? Do you know what that is? Led to the name of the Legionnaires disease. No clue. But what is the American Legion? Veterans Association. Wartime veterans. Oh my God. So they're wartime veterans and they die from a fucking disease that, and then they name it after the Legion. Wow. Which is like really bad for business. Really bad for business. They shouldn't have done that to them. Don't call it Legionnaires disease. Don't name it after us. You fucking assholes.

Call it some fucking weird Latin name and come up with some spooky monkeypox type definition. Don't call it, don't name it after us. Imagine somebody caught pneumonia and they called it mothership-itis. And they got people dying from mothership-itis. Like, hey, you fuckheads. Yeah, you'd be pissed. Don't do that. It just happened to be there. It's not the Legionnaires. It's not the Legion Center that was the problem. They didn't do anything wrong. No.

But they probably had some dudes that were coming back from Thailand. You know what I'm saying? 1,000%. You know what I'm saying? Where does herpes get its name? Those old dudes that come back from Thailand. Oh, yeah. With everything. They go over there for like four months of the year. Come back looking like, who knows? Who knows? Who knows? You look it around real quick. Yeah. There was a meme that I saw today of this older man.

He's in his 60s, and he's holding hands with two hot Asian girls, and he was saying something about, like, when I cash my VA check and I disappear, don't worry about me. Cool. Because I'll be in some strange country. Oh, yeah. Where there's rampant sex trafficking. Oh, my God. I know, right?

By the way, I thought you were going to bring up the 91-year-old who just died and who was married to a 42-year-old. What are you talking about? 91-year-old billionaire I just saw today that died. Well, it's true love. That's what's important. She's probably hot as fuck. She's probably super, super hot as fuck. She was way into him. Let's see what he and she looked like. He had a great personality. That gives me hope for the future. If everything goes sideways. Men should be happy because that's even possible. You can trick. There you go. Look at that.

Totally looks like they would love each other in real life. Looks like Mr. Bean's dad. Yeah. She looks like she should be married to a farmer. Some big old buff farmer. How does she even meet this? Well, I mean, I guess, yeah. Probably some billionaire dating site. Yeah. He gained fame through high profile dates. Just weeks after marrying his sixth wife, she died. Yeah. She got a pillow over that, dude.

You think? No. Yeah, yeah. No. But if you're a woman and, you know, you're 40 and this guy's nice and he's worth fucking $30 billion you want to marry, you're like, let's go. Let's go. Let's fucking go. I know. I can deal with you. Maybe she likes him. Maybe she even likes him. Maybe she also likes being super fucking rich. Totally. Why not? She might like that a little bit more.

People were always about, remember Anna Nicole Smith? Yeah. Jay Howard Marshall. Yeah. And people were like, they knew what it was. But guess what? He knew what it was too. Totally. He was having a good time. It was caused by a tough bike workout. Oh, wow. He was rushed to the hospital with crippling back pain with a ruptured heart valve. Wow. It blew his heart out.

Probably thinking about fucking her. 1,000%. Yeah, he was still, oh yeah. I'm going to give it to her tonight. 49 year age difference. So what? Let it go. Ooh, look at that one right there. Is that her? Oh, the previous one? Damn. Let me see that one.

That one's even more preposterous. No, scroll up so I can see. Oh, this guy's been doing it forever. That's the most preposterous one. That's perfect. That's what I like to see. It does give me hope. I like to see that. Yeah. Yeah, because you can be disgusting. Also, it gives me hope that it like, I don't know how old he was, 80, 90, but like. Bam. That's what I'm talking about.

Even Betty White, before she passed, was saying how she was like, I think at 99 maybe, there was some article I read and she was just talking about still banging it out. Wow. Yeah, dude. Wild. Those old ladies don't give a fuck. Oh, no. They're not worried about your approval anymore. Dude, that's... She'll tell you who she fucked.

Was that guy who owns the Raiders? He's got like a really hot 24-year-old girlfriend? Oh, yeah. He's got that crazy Mo haircut? Yeah, dude. That guy's a character. He truly looks like a Nickelodeon cartoon character. Is he having a baby? Is that what's going on? And Bill Belichick's got a young girl. I mean, Pacino's got, I mean, fuck, dude. Pacino's a dad at 92 or whatever? Sounds normal. Sounds totally normal. Seems like it's going to work out.

It's so... I think Pacino wanted to take a paternity test, too, to make sure it was his. He's like, what? I'm shooting live rounds? Yeah. At fucking 90 years old? That's wild. How is that possible? Yeah, it can't be. But it is. Yep. That's the crazy thing about men. Men can keep having babies when they're geriatrics, but women, like nature says, that's a wrap. They get to a certain age, they go through menopause, and that's a wrap. But the dudes can just keep impregnating gals. There he is. Bam, son! What's up? He looks like he...

Yeah, yeah, wow Oh, she's a mystery woman. She's a mystery. She's hot. That's not a mystery Congratulations for him. Yeah, you did it. This is a fun thing about people lottery But when you see it the other way you get creeped out Yeah, like if you saw Betty white with like Thor you'd be like what the fuck what's going on there? Yeah, kind of gross Yeah, why are you doing that to that old lady?

Yeah, you'd be worried about Betty White. Yeah. Yeah, are you having sex with her the way you would have sex with a young lady? Because that's disturbing. Yeah, that's tough. What are you doing to her? Can she even take that kind of abuse? Maybe she could. Jesus. Maybe she wanted it. Maybe she's just one of them old school ladies, immigrant ladies with strong bones. Oh, God. Stiff spine. Oh, God.

Harlan used to do a joke when I would open for Harlan he would do a joke where he'd go he'd take somebody's tortilla chip out of the front row and he'd go here's my impression of a 75 year old woman having sex and then he would just crinkle the chip into the mic and it was like it sounded exactly like everything breaking and yeah yeah it sounds wrong right but like an old guy like having sex with a hot young lady like go pops kind of a cool way to go out too yeah sure I guess

Yeah. Actually, yeah, maybe not. Then I guess everyone's looking at you like, oh, you couldn't keep it together enough. Oh, this is the one. She's not. They're not. This is like a weird. Oh, it's wildly untrue. Yeah. Well, of course it is. People love saying silly shit that's not true.

Hopkins is pictured sitting next to Davis in December 2022 fueling rumors that two were romantically involved, but they're not. But we're hoping. We're hoping that he can get a gal like that. That's what it is, right? You're hoping. You're not going, oh my God. Because he's so old that he's passed the creepy into the novelty. Yep. Right? So there's a creepy verm. Yep. The creepy version is like, you know, a guy who's in his 60s is dating a girl who's 20.

Right. That seems creepy. But if a guy's in his 70s, he's dating a girl who's 20, it's like, okay. Yeah. It's so ridiculous. Why is, yeah, a little more acceptable. It is what it is. I know. You know? It is what it is. You know what it is. I know what it is. Everyone knows what it is. Stop acting like you don't know what it is. He probably knows what it is too. He knows exactly what it is. Maybe he lies to himself.

That's fine. We all know what it is. That's his deal. So when it's 60 and 20 or 50 and 20, we feel like that person is probably taking advantage of that 20-year-old. Potentially. Potentially. Yeah. Maybe not. Maybe she's a really mature 20. Sure. That could be. Possibly. Family loves this guy. I can deal with that. But there's a weirdness if it's like a 60-year-old guy and a 20. That makes me creeped out. Oh, my God. That's too old. Oh, yeah. But if it's a...

70 year old guy and a 20 year old you like It's okay do my buddy went to school and there was a 45 year old dating a 20 year old in there in College of that that felt very weird, but it wouldn't be weird if it was a 20 year old guy This is my problem at all like a 20 year old Let's assume that men and women are equal right a 20 year old man

And a 45-year-old lady is great. Like, no problem. Like, look at her. She's got a hot young guy. Like, no one cares at all. Yeah. At all. It would be weird, but not weird where you would think, oh, that lady's a creep. No. Right? No.

But like a 49-year-old guy and a 20-year-old girl, you're like, hmm. I mean, maybe. Same thing with the teachers. Look, I'm not one to tell people what to do. No. But if it was the other way around, like Cher. Like Cher is what? How old is Cher now? Don't escalate your age, Adam. How old is she? She's 77. Wow, I was going to say 80. He's 37. Wow. Okay. But listen, that doesn't bother me at all. Right? That is what it is too. Yeah. Right? It is what it is. You know what it is. Yeah.

You know what it is. You know what it is, man. I know what it is. You know what it is. She knows what it is. Everyone knows what it is. We all know what it is. We all know what it is. And we're fine with it. And we're fine with it. But it's just- You can still go about your day and eat pizza. Let them live their life. So like a 49-year-old lady and a 91-year-old guy, like fine. Let me ask you this. When you heard about Mary Kay Letourneau, that happened in Seattle where I'm from. And that was the first teacher that like was fucking around with a kid. That was, I mean, that age gap was like, I think, 35 and 12. But also- She, listen, she's the first teacher to get caught.

There it is. Yeah. They were, there's freaks all over this fucking planet. Wow. Freaks. There's women that are just as crazy as some men are crazy and some women are crazy and some women are crazy and they have great features. Yeah.

And they're just nuts. And they want to blow the whole football team. And they don't give a fuck who tells who, what, who cares. They got into teaching for that reason. Well, who knows why they got into teaching, but they're crazy people. And then some people just have no impulse control and they want to get teenagers drunk. And maybe they want to relive their high school and freak these young boys out and suck their cocks. Wow. Suck their cocks in front of their friends. Like, ooh.

I can't believe it's happening. Can you imagine seeing that? The math teacher's got her tits out and she's blowing you. You're like, what am I seeing? How is this even real? I don't know what I would do. Bro, and they're always in Florida. How many of them, like if I hear a story like that, like I think of another story, it's San Francisco. You're exactly right. If it's a teacher fucking her students, like, oh, probably Florida. Some hot blonde.

with big tits. Tampa teacher took the pickleball team. Oh, Jacksonville? No, Tampa, yeah. The swinger state. The swinger state. There's something in the water out there. It is. It's probably alligator farts. They're fearless. It's turned everybody confused. It's the methane in the air from alligators farting. It's got everybody high. They are fearless down there. Yeah.

Hurricane warnings, they don't give a fuck. Well, they do give a fuck, but there's not much he can do. If you choose to live down there, that is the fucking gamble you play. But don't you ever see those stories when there are like a thousand mile an hour winds coming through and then some guy's just like, I ain't going anywhere. I built this house. Yeah, he's ready to die. Some people are just ready to check her out. That's what it is. And if God's going to take them out by flattening their house on top of them. Sucking you out of your house. They're like, I'm not leaving. I don't want to go.

Kind of respect that. Yeah, maybe their car doesn't have any gas. They don't have any money for gas. You know, if you're going to drive away from a hurricane, you are going to have bumper-to-bumper traffic for a day. You ever been in that? You ever seen it? Oh, yeah. Did you? You ever get stuck in one of those? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Like just a big pileup for hours? No, like a hurricane pileup. Oh, a hurricane. Oh, shit, no. It's a unique pileup because the whole state's trying to leave.

Like, the highways are not set up where everybody can leave. The highways are set up for normal stuff. So you're better. Normal stuff is you're going there, but I'm going there. We're not all going there. So if everyone's going there. Wow, dude, we might need to spark that back up. You got to think about that. Normal traffic is we're all going all over the place. Yeah. I got to go to the east. You got to go to the west. That's fine. We could have multiple cars going there. Rarely is everybody going. All going that way. Oh, yeah. That's fucked. Yeah.

That is so fucked. Look at this, dude. This is what it's like. 56 hours on the road to escape from Hurricane Irma. 56 hours. That's what that looks like. That's why you don't live there. You don't live there unless you have a fucking private jet or a helicopter that can get you the fuck out of there. Because if you get stuck in that shit- You're arguably less safe, right?

It depends on when you leave. Yeah. Okay? Because the thing about the modern storm, the way they're, the meteorologists, the way they're able to predict the paths of these things, they're pretty good. They're pretty fucking accurate. And they see them coming pretty far away. So you get a couple of days.

But that's 56 hours. Yeah. 56 fucking hours. Look, that's what it looks like. So nothing is set up for that, dude. Nothing is set up where... See, they have both lanes on both sides going this way. No one's going the other way. You notice that? So they changed the lanes. So instead of on the right lane, people going forward and this one, they're going back. Nope. Everyone's going the same fucking way. That's wild. Yeah.

And no amount of podcasts can get you through that drive or roadhead. Nothing, but you might not have the money for the gas. Right, okay. Like, you're going to run out of gas. This is what's keeping you stationary. You're going to have to pull over and get gas. You better hope they have gas, because a lot of times they run out of gas. Yeah. In a lot of places, they run out of gas and there's hurricanes. So you have to have a full tank. You have to make sure your car's not a gas guzzler. Yeah. You're going to have to shut it off, maybe, because you're stuck in the middle of this fucking road. It's not going anywhere, because there's 10 million people on the same road.

That's a mind-stuff that people don't take into consideration when they think about living in places like that. You have to take into consideration the fact that everyone has to go in one direction. Not good. And Florida is shaped like a dick, right? So it's a narrow-ass bullshit state, and everybody's going towards the north. That's what's scary about L.A., too, even with these last few earthquakes happening. I'm like, oh, man, dude. We're just not set up in a...

I'll leave town with ease. Oh, no, no. L.A.'s not set up like that at all. For example, Texas 146, which travels through Liberty County, dumped 600,000 people into a county with only 70,000 residents. Oh, that makes sense. Dude, you know how insane that is?

600,000 people in a place that only has 70,000 residents. That's crazy. Thousands of people ran out of gas, their cars overheated from all the inching along, causing many to stop and sleep along the highway. The even reports of price gouging by convenience store owners inundated with customers.

Crazy the death of 24 Bel Air nursing home residents who died when their chartered bus caught fire and exploded at about 6:45 a.m. Oh my god, you know traffic clogging So the car overheat and caught fire. So that's happening just with the influx of people, right? There's just cars popping off and dude when you're when you gotta get the fuck away from a hurricane, dude

That is... Have you been in one or any sort of tornado? Not like that. No, nothing like that. Any desire to... Hurricanes that had made it all the way, like Gloria made it all the way to Boston when I was a kid.

That was a that was a but it wasn't you know a shelter and all that no it wasn't that scary It wasn't by the time it got all the way up to Boston It wasn't it was nothing like the tropical ones the ones where you're catching them hot off the ocean Yeah, and you're you're getting those fucking Florida Keys those fucking Miami ones. Oh, yeah, bro Those are bananas take you down. I was in a rainstorm once in Miami where the whole highway had a stop and

Whole highway stopped. Because you couldn't see anything? You couldn't see a goddamn thing. The whole highway stopped. It's wild how long people will drive still, too, when you just can't see. No, no one was driving. Okay, at this point. It was so bad, no one was driving. I was doing a gig in Miami. Eddie Bravo was doing a jujitsu seminar in Miami.

I was doing a gig in West Palm. That's what it was. And I had to go down and travel to Miami with them. We had to stop on the highway. Stop dead. The whole highway. Oh, my God. It was white. You couldn't see anything. That's apocalypse shit. For how long? That wasn't that long. Because they just dumps and then it goes away in a few minutes and it becomes passable where it's just raining now.

It's not so insane that no one can see. Right. But you've never seen that before if you've never been in like a tropical place. Yeah. That was a normal rainstorm. That wasn't like a hurricane warning. Right. They just get so bananas. You can't fucking see a car in front of you. You can't see anything. That's so fucking nuts. Yeah, dude. I had to go in a shelter once, a tornado. My grandparents and mom from Oklahoma and when they were living there,

we went into the shelter, tornado people, like we were down there with people that were just like, we might have to live down here. This could be the new, no, this, like it was my grandparents, a few of their friends and people that were just like, went to the shelter.

And I'm fucking 10 surrounded by true doomsday guys that were just like, this is where we live now. Like you might need to, and you look like you're the fattest kid here, young Adam. So we might need to be chomping on those beef jerky titties. It was wild. But just to, even just the idea that like, oh, we're running away from this was, was wild. Cause Seattle, we didn't have any of that growing up. We just had, you know, torrential rain and whatnot. One time when we were at the Nashville airport, we had to go into the tornado shelter. There was tornadoes in Nashville.

But nothing happened. Right. We got lucky. That's the craziest one. The craziest one is tornadoes because you can't even predict those. Oh, yeah, dude. Those just show up. You see Twister? No, I didn't. I didn't see the new... I saw the old one. I didn't see the new one. I heard the new one's good. It's wild. Is it good? It's awesome. Yeah. The effects are wild, dude. What they can do now is like compared to the old Twister. Oh, my God. Dude, yeah. Helen Hunt. You believed Helen Hunt was in danger. Right. We were very concerned for Helen Hunt. Damn. And now you're... I mean, it's...

I thought about going to one of those theaters. I want to know how you feel about this. The ones that shake the seats. Fuck that. Yeah. No, thanks. Fuck that with all these people freaking out around me. I used to go to see a fucking horror movie and the seat is shaking. Oh, yeah. People would start screaming. No, thanks. It's too real. Too much of a mind fuck. Yeah. Maybe in some movies it would be cool. Well, when I worked at Universal Studios, they had a Shrek 4D.

And so like when Shrek or when Donkey would sneeze, you get, you know, blown with snot and stuff. Right, right, right. People like that, but that's a theme park. You know, I hosted the Fear Factor live show at Universal. No way. Yeah. That's hilarious. And it was not anything close to your show, but it was like, you know, but you'd have to make people think like, you know, the first stunt was like,

These guys are going to be hanging on to these, you know, bike handlebars 30 feet in the air. And there's a platform below them. And when the platform drops out, you hear the sound effect. They got to hang on. But they're attached to a bungee cord, so there's no real danger involved. I mean, and then it was the only real thing that was kind of close to the show was the eating of stuff. It was like we have this picture of like sour milk and, you know, beaver clits and just all this. It was just crazy.

crazy shit and one guy projectile vomited on me and I said what the fuck into the mic in front of 1500 kids and I got suspended for a week because I cursed in front of kids but I was threw up in your mouth yeah dude

What do you want? Perfection? You got a Fear Factor show. Dude. Ridiculous. Yeah, it was wild. That's hilarious, though, that you hosted that. It was nuts, dude. I mean, it was very, I mean, dude, the show was something. You, me, and Ludacris. Yeah. Dude, it's a small club. Marry, fuck, kill. That is, that, did you ever go to Universal when you were there with the kids? Yeah. Sure, yeah. I probably saw you. I was Wolverine there for three years. I did. You know what I used to love at Universal? The zombie show.

place. Oh my god, it was awesome. The fucking... What am I thinking? Walking Dead. The Walking Dead thing. Oh yeah, the maze that they would have. That's fun. It's incredible. That's fun. That's pretty scary. We had during Halloween Horror Nights before they put a clamp down on it, but I dressed up as Scarface Zombie, so I was Pacino Zombie. So I was like, I'm just chasing people around, scaring them. Oh shit, dude.

Is that you as Wolverine? That's me, dude, for about four years. That's hilarious. Yeah. That scared the shit out of people. Universal has a great Waterworld thing, too. Incredible. Like, Waterworld, the movie, it was not that good. No. But Waterworld, the, like, show. The show's the best part. It's fucking great. Oh, yeah, dude. It's better than the actual Waterworld. Yeah.

Right? Isn't it crazy that they banked on a movie that turned out to be a tremendous flop? That's insane. And they put together a theme show for a movie that was a tremendous flop. Yeah. But the theme show is so good that people still come to see it about a movie that no one cares about. Bro, it's wild. They spent so much money. Millions of dollars. Maybe billions. One of those things where it just... It sounded like... It just didn't work out.

Didn't work. The pitch sound must have been like, so just take, it's like last of the Mohicans on water. Ooh. And the guy from Field of Dreams and Tin Cup. I like it. Jet skis? Yeah. Yeah.

Dude, there were days when you'd see people... Dude, some of my universal days were I'd see a guy dressed as Spongebob. I mean, I was a 1940s cop. It was the best job I had there because I wasn't from anything. I'd improvise as Wolverine and do bits. And my boss was like, Wolverine's not funny. Stop doing fucking stand-up because I'm doing open mics at this time. So I'm a 1940s cop walking around, can make fun of people, do whatever. And at one point, I picked up a squirt gun...

that was on a kiosk. It was like 120 out and I'm just shooting people with it and doing all these bits and Japanese tourists would walk by and I'd shoot this one guy in the back and then all these people would watch me and I'd be like, act like I didn't know what was happening and my boss pulls me over and she goes, what are you doing? This is 1940s New York. This part of the park, there's a New York people out of the window, there's a cabbie. You're supposed to be making people think this is 1940s New York and I go,

Jenna with all due respect a trolley just drove by with five old curious George and Spongebob Squarepants Blasting the song ooh-ee ooh-ah-ah ching-chang walla-walla-bing-bang and I was like I'm not a hip history buff But I'm pretty sure that song wasn't also a part of the 40s and she's like it's your job to make people think That this is 1940s New York and I was like fuck I gotta get out of here Jesus job to make people retarded

What does that mean? And I was like, people are walking out thinking that I didn't make them think that this is, then they shouldn't be in the park in the first place. That's ridiculous. Wow. That's funny. That's like people that go to those fairs, those medieval fairs. Renaissance fairs. Renaissance fairs. And then some people like break character and then the other people like try to talk to them in character. Oh yeah. You ever see that happen? Oh yeah.

Oh, it's hilarious. Oh, yeah. I broke character all the time. Dude, Dave Matthews came in one time with his family. I'm in full 1940s cop, and he's like, is there any way I can get a beer? And I was like, yeah, come with me. There's one Irish pub down here. I'll take you to it. And I'd just seen him the night before. I go, dude, you guys fucking crushed it last night. And he goes, oh, shit. He goes, can you break character? I go, dude, I don't want to be here. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

And then I went and he offered to get me a shot of this bar. And I was like, dude. You ruined the experience for him. You ruined it for Dave Matthews. He was like, he's breaking character. This is bullshit. I wanted to get the cop thing. I paid for the cop thing. I paid for the cop thing. This is bullshit. Yeah, dude. Dave Matthews. That's funny. Cool as fuck.

That whole Universal rides thing is the best thing is the Harry Potter thing. A thousand percent. That fucking roller coaster with the dragons. Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, my God. It's incredible. You don't get sick from those? No. Yeah. No, I'm lucky. I don't have the motion sickness thing. The motion sickness thing is a weird one. You can't read in a car. You can't, you know. It's what a... Yeah, you just...

Dramamine is your fucking cocaine. You can throw up from reading in a car, which is real weird. Your brain gets so confused. Like, why am I looking at something that's stationary when I know my body's in motion? I know. It doesn't make sense. Your body does not like it. Yeah. At all.

And your body's like, you must be sick. You have to tell it. I'm not sick, bitch. I'm looking at my phone. I know. Yeah. I tried to read a book once in a car, and I was fighting off the nausea. I was like, don't be a pussy. And then I was like, oh, my God, you can't fight it anymore. It was like... Just happened. Yeah. No, I held it in. Oh, you did? But I was like...

You know where it like comes up in your throat and you have to swallow it back down and it burns your throat. You know those feelings? That was right there. I had a kid have to do that in science class. He had chew, eighth grade, and the teacher found him. Mr. Moore caught Joe Antoncich, RIP, and he had a big thing of chew in his mouth. And Mr. Moore goes...

Mr. Antoncich. He looked like David the Gnome. Huge beard. You couldn't see his eyes barely. His beard came up to here. Big fucking fro. And he goes, Mr. Antoncich, I see that chew in your mouth. And he was like, I don't know what you're talking about. He goes, swallow. Made him swallow it, dude.

Puked right after that's crazy wish that story was better. I'd be mad at that teacher You can't make my kids swallow chewy fucking in fucking 1995 dad for you really bad. Oh, yeah, mr. Morgan fuck boys and mr. Morgan you piece of shit How about you shave your stupid fucking face, too?

You could tell this guy, I mean, he was a tiny little like science guy that you could tell like, I don't know. He didn't give a fuck. He was going to. Well, they don't like kids fucking around. Yeah. I get it. But kids are going to fuck around. You got to be a little bit more even keeled. Yeah. Can't make kids swallow tobacco. You fucking idiot. It's pretty wild. Now that I'm saying it out loud. It's crazy. Well, when I was in school, they used to paddle you. When I lived in Florida. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Yeah. You get in a fight, they paddle you.

They whack you in the ass with a piece of wood. In front of people? No. It was just the principal. The principal would paddle you. Jesus. That wasn't like a weird fetish? It was just like... No, it's punishment. You did something wrong. You got whacked.

I got whacked. Did you get whacked? No, not really as a kid. Yeah. Not much. Yeah. Nothing like where I got hurt. Yeah. You know, just like a little tap on the head. Yeah, of course. Nothing serious. A little spoon to the back. Nothing crazy. A little slap. My sister threw a high heel shoe at my back once during a fight. Oh my God. Yeah, that fucking hit me right in the back. I went down. It's a piece of wood. Yeah. It's a goddamn deadly weapon. Yeah. Then she locked me in the garage. Then I got out. Jesus. Locked her in the garage. Jesus. And then she made fun of me for being a fat kid and having bigger tits than our mom.

Oh my God. And she was adopted. So I go, you mean my mom? And fucking dude, mic drop, but also, yeah, that one, that one. Oh yeah. That was fucking, I said, Natalie, I'm so sorry. Even to this day. Yeah. That was wild. That's to the bone. Yeah. She's crushing it now. It's not deep as a fucking dude, 10 years old.

Yeah, well, kids aren't fucking mean because they don't understand what it's going to do to someone. That's why bullies in school are so dangerous because you could ruin someone's life for no fucking reason other than you can. Yeah. You see kids ganging up on kids. That's fucked. For no reason other than you can, you're going to ruin that kid's experience for the rest of their life. Because some kids, they get bullied in high school and they never recover. 1,000. They become like recluses. They hide. They always associate people with pain. Yeah. It becomes a real problem then. Yeah.

Gun's a real fucking problem. Yeah, the kids that would tease me for weight stuff, like, as I got a little older, I'd try to give benefit of the doubt and be like, oh, they didn't know any better. They're just fucking kids. But, like, and thank God I found a way to maybe, you know, get around it. But, like, who cares? Kids can be so mean. They can be mean. They don't even know they're doing it. They don't even know it, man. They're just doing it because they're experiencing it. Louis C.K. had a whole bit about it. I forget how it went. But it was essentially about his...

Well, he's dead on right. It's like they know that they can do this thing. Yeah. So they do it. And it's just like it's like throwing a rock in a window. Right. They can. So they do it. And young kids don't think about consequences. No. They're little animals. They're not fully developed. Yeah, I know. And so they're mean. But the problem is when they're mean to like if you're mean to a 14 year old that's just coming into ninth grade, you might fuck them up forever. Yeah, dude. Forever. Yeah.

Especially if you're like 16 or 17, you're a big older bully and you're picking on some 14 year old kid like, whoa. Yeah. I know so many people that just got destroyed from their experience in high school. Just destroyed their confidence. Didn't recover. Well, it alters the course of your life. Oh, wow. Yeah. You're always thinking you're a loser. So it kills your confidence to try anything. Yeah. Kills your confidence to meet people. Yeah. You know, you're afraid of interactions. You're always hearkening back to that. Yeah.

I mean, that's why parents, you know, old school parents will tell you and some boy bullies you. You go back to school, you punch that kid right in the fucking face. Like, imagine sending your kid to school and telling them that. Like, go punch that bully in the face. Like, what the fuck? And my mom used to tell me, she's like, tell me or go tell the teacher or call me and I'll call the parents. I'm like, that's the fucking last thing I want to do. At least I'm like savvy enough to like not. You're not going to be there all the time. Yeah. So I'm going to have to go to school and I'm going to have to deal with this guy. This is don't you don't enter. If you intervene, you're not going to intervene every day.

So what's going to happen? He's just going to remember that you intervened. Next time he sees me, he's going to put me in a locker. You know, it's going to be a real problem. I ran for vice president in the fifth grade and my mom helped me write my speech. She was reminding me of this. And I go, big kid again. And I was running on the platform of, if you vote for me, we'll have ice cream every day. My mom helped me write this. And I was like, I think I'm okay. And then she was like, put this. And she goes, say, if you vote for me, you'll have ice cream. I promise we'll have ice cream at LFP every day. Not today.

Joe, I did that in front of the whole school. Oh, no. Crickets. One teacher in the back. Oh, shit. Your mom told you to say that? Oh, mom.

Terrible idea. I wish I was your friend back then. I was like, yo, don't listen to your mom. Also, come on, kind of applaud the confidence to fucking try, I mean, you know, open mic night in front of the school. Yeah, basically. But dude, it's also when not was still kind of in. So you think that was like the first joke you ever cracked publicly? It might have been. Probably has to be. It probably has to be. Right? I mean, when did you ever address a group of people? No, never. Never? Never. Right? So first time ever. In front of the whole school. First bad joke.

Right out of the bat. Maybe a couple kids that were like, dude, this guy's fucking onto something, you know? Well, some kids just like it when there's a little bit of chaos. Like, yeah. Oh, yeah. Say something stupid. Yeah. Give me something to think about other than my miserable existence. Dude, yeah. Yeah. Which is a lot of people. That's a lot of online activity. Like, people just looking for someone to fail so they go like, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Love it. I don't read the comments right now. I'm trying not to. Right now? Yeah. When did you start doing that? Maybe a couple years ago. Oh, good for you. I was reading both, and then it was just like, I'd love to live in the- Present? Yeah. I know how I think it. It felt good in the moment. Why would I want to take away-

Anything from that. I don't know. It's an unnatural way of human beings interacting with each other. It's not good for you. Sometimes I look at stuff just to go like, oh, did they... Like when Shane and I did the Trump-Biden thing, I was like, I want to see if people are digging it. You read a few nice things and then it's like you just have to have self-discipline to go. But, you know... But listen, you know it's good. You know that's good. It killed. You guys, when it was you guys doing Biden and Trump and going back and forth to each other, it was magic. It was hilarious. Thanks, man. Just gotta, like...

You know what it is. What a wild thing to have as far as like SNL does these political things. They're like, what, eight to 12 minutes? Two hours of it? That's a wild. They can't even come close. They can't even come close. First of all, it's not possible for them to come close. They can't come close in the subject matter. And they don't have Shane.

Shane is the greatest Trump that's ever existed. I will put my name on that. Shane should be writing for Trump. He should be writing for Trump. If Trump was smart, he would hire Shane and Tony Hinchcliffe to write for him. To go on the road. Because Shane could show him how to do it. This is how you say the joke. When he came out and was doing the dance and the low clapping. I don't know if you saw this too, the way he was drinking his Bud Lights with two little hands.

Fully in character. Fully in character. Yeah. I mean, for real, he could show Trump how to deliver the lines. Dude, when we were... The first time we did it... Because Shane and I had only maybe seen each other and chatted about 10 times at clubs prior to that first time. So this is really... This is another thing I love about comedy. It's like we...

Got to really kick it like this past weekend a lot and chum it up and like just get to know each other more because we were thrust into this thing kind of together, you know, and during the first time of the mothership, I lean over in character and I go, hey, Shane, you realize this is the most most we've ever talked to each other. And in character goes, Joe, shut the fuck up. And I start fucking biting my lip. So funny, dude.

Yeah, it's a it's a fun time for comedy and a fun time for politics if you're a comedian Yeah for the rest of world's like yeah I said that when Joe Biden was was operating the country It felt to me like how I feel when my Tesla is on autopilot. Mm-hmm. Like this really work. Oh, yeah, you know, it's like Jesus. Oh, yeah What's happening there?

And now it's seeing you as Joe Biden. You're way more coherent than the actual Joe Biden, which is so nuts. Some zingers, yeah. Some zingers. What's the balance you have to find? People were like, dude, just mumble and stumble and you'll be fine. I'm like, I'm still there to be funny. I have to, you know. But you figured out how to do it in character too, which is fun because you have that flexibility.

thing where you can do the bumbling and it's actually funny like you on purpose bumbling you know because sometimes he just bails yeah he just bails on what he's saying totally and he just you know we gotta we beat medicaid that's what i said the first i go we beat medicaid megatron we took down the transformers yeah and even when i got there with a tell i go we got david tell dave chappelle we got a dell up here come on

How long did you do the character before you did it on Kill Tony? Did you fuck around with it? No, just I'd done a couple like voices in my act talking about the debate. Maybe, you know, so that's the first time doing it. I've done Phil Jeremiah Watkins and I did a bunch of during COVID like lost Phil episodes. And that's kind of how I started to find whatever my version of it was that but this was just the first. Have you met him? Who? Dr. Phil? No. That's hilarious. But I think he's going to come on my show at the store in the fall. How are you going to feel when you meet him?

Probably start jerking off. You going to handle it better than you handled Jim Carrey? Oh, fuck. I think so. I hope so. Yeah. I hope so for your sake. I hope so. I think it'll be awesome. I hope he doesn't get tense. Yeah, what if he just is that? Honestly, when they were playing the—

If you might be saying things, you know, he might get to. I thought he was going to come out at Madison Square Garden when they played that video montage when they put me in the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. I thought he was going to come out behind me and, I don't know, fucking like stab me in the back and go, we won't be right back. That would have been funny. Just take me down. Yeah, he's. I think he'll be. I want him to come out on my show at the Comedy Store. And when they announce Dr. Phil, he comes out instead.

And then everybody goes nuts. And then I come out, we shake hands and chat for about 20, 30. Well, Kill Tony's so big now. I could see him coming out, especially now because he's got that network. Yeah. He's got some stuff to sell. Dude, I plug his book on every episode of the show. People buy books now, Joe, and bring them to my club.

dates and have me sign and do a thing. Tiffany Haddish was on one of the shows and I go, Tiff, this guy's got a question for you. And he's like, Tiffany, I'm a, I can't stop. I stopped drinking, but I can't stop jerking off. And she goes, you got to stop jerking off. She goes, you didn't go blind. You jerk off too much. You're going to go blind. I go, actually talk about that in my book. We've got issues. I go chapter 25. If you come too much, you're going to lose your ability to see the world. So I'm like finding ways to like plug the book.

And now I'm sure... That'll keep him happy. That'll definitely sell some books. I think that's kind of not a bad move, right? No, it's a very good move. Solid move. Good move on your part. And it's a fun bit. And it's like people now like... I don't know. I don't know. No, it's definitely fun. But what would happen if you said stop doing it? Stop doing it. And it was fun. It was a fun run. I would keep doing it. Okay, you heard it here first. I think right now I have to go to court for this one.

Come on, bro. Let it go. I mean, it's parody, so I don't think there's a real... It would have to... I mean, it'd be a cease and desist of some sort, right? Well, parody is an interesting thing, right? Because people are really worried about parody now with AI. Because there's a lot of parody now with AI. Oh, yeah. And people are thinking... There was this one Kamala Harris thing that was going around where it wasn't... She never said any of these things. This is the original...

speech that she gives and there's this like ridiculous version of like the worst thing that a person like the dumbest oh god yeah and it's ai it's and it's like yeah that's one of them weird ones that's a weird one because if you could do that then you could have people saying all kinds of things like if if that's okay to take like a famous person who's like the vice president of the united states and have her say a bunch of shit that she didn't really say and

Because it's parody like you can kind of get a little slippery with that like you can get like subtle parody Yeah, or it's like you barely know that she's not saying those things. Yeah, and then it becomes like people believe it's real It's pretty obvious though right the videos of these not always man. They're getting good. They're getting really good. They're getting really good They're getting close enough that they could trick a lot of people and I think the best version of it now is probably

It's pretty fucking tight, man. The vocal stuff is pretty wild. It's all wild. Yeah. They can take your voice and have you say almost anything. And if they do a good job with it and manipulate it and tweak it, like the intonations, God, they get it so goddamn close. Oh, yeah, dude. Scary. There's still a little part of you that listens to it and goes, this seems a little fake. Yeah. But I always wonder if I didn't know that it definitely wasn't real, I wonder if it would feel fake to me. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I don't know. I feel like, yeah.

I don't know. They said we're going to have flying cars about now and it's not happening. So maybe AI won't be as scary as... They do have flying cars. Yeah, but like a part of society and everyday life. Yeah, they're not common, but they would help in the hurricane place as long as you don't catch them winds. I remember when Dallas had Uber helicopters for about two months. Bro, could you imagine if Florida had flying cars and hurricanes? In the middle of the hurricanes, you know there'd be a bunch of... Those same kind of dudes that shoot out their window at people and...

road rage they would be flying in winds that they shouldn't be flying in and crashing into the whole highway in a burst of flames and killing everybody and it would be on YouTube reels the next day Florida is the guinea pig of states for all the stuff that's

Well, it's a state that was essentially founded... Okay, there's two findings, right? There's the original. The Spaniards landed in Florida first. The first city was in Florida, in this country, right? So you have, like, the colonizers, the first original colonizers land in Florida. Then, you know, all the fucking...

prisoners that Castro releases. He gets them out and puts them on fucking boats and sends them to Miami. And then you have the crazy cocaine days in the 1980s.

And then you have an economy that has, there was more, at least at one point in time, find out if this is true still, there's more banks per capita in Miami for a city than anywhere else in the country because it was all money laundering. People were just like, they were moving money around with cocaine. And people were making millions of dollars and putting it in trash bags and digging holes in their backyard. You ever see cocaine cowboys? No. Fucking incredible. Fuck.

Fucking incredible documentary. And it's all about everything you're talking about. Yes. It's all about cocaine in Miami. At one point in time, one graduating class, the Miami Police Academy, every single one of them either went to jail for corruption or was murdered.

Oh my God. The entire class. It was just cocaine. Everyone was out of their fucking minds. Everybody was on it. They're all on it and they're all committing crimes on it. Oh my God. And they're all making millions of dollars and they're all going to nightclubs. It's Scarface. It's Scarface was based on that. Oh my God. Brian De Palma's Scarface written by, was Oliver Stone, right? Didn't Oliver Stone write it? That sounds right. It is, right?

How long was this time? A couple years or what? Like a decade. Holy shit. More, maybe more than a decade. Holy shit. Maybe 20 years. I had a buddy who was an ophthalmologist who did his residency.

at a university in Miami during the cocaine days. He said, dude, it was nuts. It was nuts. Gunshot wounds, stab wounds, people with things up their asses. Like they, so many people got brought into the emergency room with things they stuffed up their ass while they were coked up.

I didn't know that was a side effect. Army soldiers. I thought it was like stories with no ending. No, no, no. Like light bulbs, the ones that are shaped like pine cones, stuff light bulbs up their asses. People were doing all kinds of wild shit and being brought into the emergency room. I thought coke was just supposed to be like you take the party up a notch and there's more fun. Well, it depends on where you're starting from. You're like, hey man, in some places, putting a bulb up the ass was how... Like those fucking swingers in Tampa are already on the 29th floor. Yeah.

It's not much of an elevator to get them to the roof. You know? These fucking people are out of their minds. And the whole town was founded by cocaine. Wow. And it still has that feel, this party feel to that city still. Yeah, it does. I'm sure cocaine's still an issue there, but I mean, it's not the whole thing now. But it's like, that's a frivolous area. I always say if you want to starve to death, open a bookstore in Miami. Yeah.

Yeah, the fuck up we're out here stunting pot doesn't pot hasn't had a Similar type. I don't know effect on the town. Yeah, not really right maybe pot and LSD was San Francisco right 70s Yeah, but like not really

You know people were putting stuff up their butts and what I know that well that's reefer madness stuff That's the opposite of what you would do if you're high you would not take you take that toy soldier and you go if I put this in My house, what if I get stuck? Yeah, you start freaking out. What do I have to go to the hospital? It's stuck a man I'm not doing it. We're on coke you like get up there soldier. Do your fuck. There's a will there's a way What did you sign up for the project? Here

You're coked up out of your mind. I did one of Joey Diaz's Death Stars the last time I did his pod when he was in LA. Yeah, he would do that, too. That might be the highest I've ever been. Uncomfortable, very dangerous, bad for people's psyche. I was good for about 20 minutes, and then don't remember what happened after that. Yeah, he takes people and throws them into the darkest pits of their soul. Thank God he just talked. I got quiet. I remember I looked over at Lee at one point, and I was just like...

Lee's probably asleep. Yeah, he was. Lee was probably asleep standing up. Joe would finish the story and go, and then we got here, and then let me tell you something, man. This one time we were in Poconin. And I was like, when he got real low like that, I was like, okay, I think this, I got another 10 minutes to be quiet because they're another story. Trying to catch your brain. Totally. Catch, wow, dude, what a great way to put it. Catch it. Where is it? Where's my fucking brain? Get over here. You know how to think. Sit down. I'd never been so paranoid. Breathe. Just breathe. The amount of times I told myself to breathe was...

The old days of the church of what's happening now is all just Joey doing edibles. Yeah. Insane amounts of edibles. Yeah. And just being a blast.

obliterated. Where Lee Syatt, like, there's so many episodes where his eyes are closed and he's just rocking back and forth. He's hallucinating. He's watching, like, neon cartoons fuck behind his eyelids. I remember he gave him another Death Star when he was like, he was like, eat another one, Lee. And he was like, he woke up to eat it and then he, I mean, it was, yeah, it was wild.

But it was like, you know, I wanted to be, I wanted to participate. Oh, yeah, you have to. How do you not? You have to. Yeah. If you're doing Joey's show, you have to be on the same wavelength. Otherwise, it'd be rude. But I was, yeah, totally. Imagine being a sober person, listening to that conversation. Like, what are you saying? Look at Lee. Look at Lee. Look at Lee. Look at Lee. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. He's in another dimension right now. Oh, God. He's literally in another dimension. He's gone. He's gone. Eyes in the back of your head. He's passed over. Always smiling, so he was on some sort of a journey. Well, listen, he's on The Church of What's Happening Now with Joey Diaz, having a great time. Which is when you want to be that fucked up on edibles. You're around nice people, having a wonderful time. By the way, another stamp in the comedy zeitgeist or the history books of like, I feel very fortunate to have been in a time where I got to...

be around that and then be on, you know what I'm saying? Like be, I mean, obviously you guys have been homies forever, but like, yeah, that's like, you know, that was a staple in time. Well, also it doesn't exist anymore. Like people forgot. I keep trying to tell him to bring back the church and I'm trying to get him and Lee together again to do, I think they're talking about it. And Lee was out here when he was out here. Uh,

God damn, those two together were so fun. Joey Diaz like that was so funny. He's just so Joey Diaz. And if you know him, you love him. Like on the July 4th one, when he was like screaming, you're a fucking American. He's like in the background. Oh, yeah. The Joey Diaz State of the Union. It's incredible. Those are also some of the wildest nights.

at the store that I will never forget in the OR of seeing a lineup that's just, you know, Tom, Bill, you, Joey. Like, you bring up Joey or Joey bringing up you is a half hour that I don't think I'll ever forget, dude. That's so wild. And I know you get that now with the mothership of what you guys are doing here and what you've created. But man, like, seeing it for the first time of it, of me seeing it, is what I'm, I guess, getting at. Of being, and getting to a point to where it was like,

open mics at the store, then I did phones for a few years, and then being a regular, then just being around, and being around enough to be comfortable to stick around and sit in a bucket seat and watch that transition happen was wild, dude. The fucking, the pops and the roars, and then you sitting down and watching him was so fucking cool. You know? I don't know. That's other stuff that is not...

You have to just be around to see that. Like, that was cool. It was a different time, too. It was like you could do that then and you could hang out in the back and you didn't get bothered. And you could, you know, the store was, that was an interesting time of the store because it was like, it was so heavy. There were so many killers. There was so many people there. It was just, it was such a magnet for crazy people, too. So there's this energy in that place that was so different. Yeah.

You know, that's also because it's like C-R-O's nightclub and people were killed there, you know. Oh, really? Bugsy Siegel. You don't know the whole story? Oh. Oh, my God. Bugsy Siegel owned it. I just knew it was a nightclub. That's about as far as my- Dude, it was a mob-run nightclub. Holy shit. Yeah. Of course it was. I'm sure you've talked to people that have seen ghosts there, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. How many other places have people seen ghosts? I know. That's like the most ghostiest of ghost places in L.A. Yeah. When you talk to like those fucking ghost freaks. Yeah.

Oh, really? It's been featured on? Yeah, man. There's a bunch of stories about the comedy store being haunted. Yeah. I know multiple people that have seen ghosts there. Carla Bow used to have a crazy story about sleeping on the stage and something grabbed his leg and dragged him to the end of the stage. What? And then he heard a bunch of chairs clink and the door slammed and there was no one in the room.

He was asleep on the stage. He got kicked out of his apartment. He's had a fight with his girlfriend. Fuck you, I'm gonna make it. You know, that kind of shit. He's young. And he was working as a doorman for the store, so he had a key. He goes in and he says, I'm gonna sleep on the stage because I'm gonna fucking make it in comedy. And then he's on stage and he hears a noise, like a chair's clinking. He's like, hello? Hey, it's me, Carl. I'm here. I got kicked out of my place, so I'm just sleeping on the stage.

Hey, who's there? And he hears like a sound again. He doesn't see anything.

Then all of a sudden a hand grabs his leg and drags him like six feet and then let's go. Oh my God, dude, that's fucking terrifying. Yeah, I mean, maybe he lied. But it's an amazing story. The way he would tell, I want to believe. I want to believe. I want to believe too. I've never heard anybody get touched by a ghost though. It might have been one of his friends. He might have been blackout drunk. One of his friends was like, Carl's sleeping on the stage. Let's fuck with him. And they probably never told him. They probably forgot they did it because they did it acid and fucking...

Pile of coke that sounds more believable cuz he yeah cuz he was a part of kinnison's crew right right and so like Marc Maron said that when he he partied with kinnison so hard that he had voices in his head for a year a year after he got back left went to Boston long after he's hanging out in Los Angeles and

And he had voices in his head for like a year. Saying what? I don't know. Not good things, I'm sure. They're never good voices. Start a podcast in your garage. That took years to happen. This is like the 90s. This is like not even. This is the 80s. That's fucking wild. This is like when I met him, it was 88. So this is like. So these are leftover residual voices from. They did so many drugs. They did so much coke that he like had voices in his head.

Where's that come from? It's like probably a breakdown of the natural neurochemistry of your brain. You're fucking with your brain somewhat, yeah. 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're robbing your brain of its ability to produce dopamine. Like you destroy all your serotonin levels. You fuck with everything. When you go that hard with coke and then you have to get off, like those guys get wrecked. Wow. I've met people that are getting off coke and they are wrecked.

Like just, it's just empty and they're so drained. Oh fuck. And it's just like, it just fucks you up. Can't put thoughts together. And it makes you want to do more coke. Get back on the horse. Hair the dog. Oh, and we're back. And we're back.

Yeah, I'd see it. Oh my god. That's a demon. That's a demon in powdered form It's not around as much anymore in a club. Oh, really? Yeah, it's around all over the place The problem is now it's got fentanyl in it and yeah, I'll kill you fuck that people are still doing it That's how nutty coke is they're gonna roll the dice crazy. I know it's not from the cartel. It's fucking wild I don't even take people bringing me weed now all the time, which I appreciate but I I mean I

Well, they found weed with fentanyl in it. Yeah, I know. And it's also like, one kid had a bag. It was at Comedy Castle in Royal Oak. And I walk in the bathroom and he pulls out this little bag and he goes, bro, I brought you something. And it's just a bag of shake. And I go, oh man, thanks, bro. I'm just trying to be polite. I go, thanks, man. He goes, there's more where that came from. I go, can I be honest? This looks like it just fell out of your pocket. He's like, yeah, but I brought you the bag. I was like,

The gesture's sweet, but I just feel like this is not the move. Maybe if it was a nice joint, maybe in a tube and stuff, he's like, okay, you're a Hollywood guy, huh? I'm like, no, it has nothing to do with it. It's just a bag that was stuffed in your cargo pants. Of shake. Yeah, of shake. Yeah. Or joints that are- Maybe a little fentanyl. Yeah. You can't roll the dice on that. Yeah, you can't today. You know, there's places that are trying to outlaw fentanyl tests, which is-

Who's doing that? Where is that happening? Is that a Texas thing? Where's that happening where they're outlawing the fentanyl tests? And I think the concern is that it would encourage people to do drugs or sell drugs.

And that maybe the thing that's going to discourage them is the fact that people are dying from it, which is an insane way to think. Let's just prevent people from dying. Yeah. First, I guess the fear is that it would make people feel like it's safe to do coke again. Center for Disease Control and Prevention and most public health agencies endorse distributing fentanyl test strips to people who use drugs. The practice is illegal in 42 states and the District of Columbia. Wow. Oh, my God. That feels like way too many places. That's insane. I thought it was like a state.

I thought it was like a Florida thing. Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, North Dakota, and Texas. They are now allowed in every state except Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, North Dakota, and Texas. That's nuts, Texas. And it's an easy way to save lives. Jesus Christ, that's insane.

Bummer. Why does Texas have it illegal? Why are fentanyl strips illegal in Texas? Texas, one of the few states where fentanyl strips are still illegal and considered drug paraphernalia. One argument that has been made against the test strips and other harm reduction practices is that they may encourage people to do drugs or continue doing drugs. So let's just kill them. Let's just kill them. Let's let your kids die because they made a mistake because they're 16 and someone gave them some coke and they wanted to be a cool kid.

That's insane. That's insane. Yeah, we don't want to encourage kids to do drugs. Correct. And you know the way to do that? Is to have positive role models who aren't doing coke. Yeah. That's the best way to do it. The best way is, you know, your favorite country music singer doesn't do coke. You know, like, maybe that. Maybe your favorite athlete doesn't do coke. And he tells you, listen, I don't do coke. You shouldn't do coke. It's fucking scary. What the fuck, dude? Yeah. Yeah.

What the fuck? That is wild. It's crazy. It's crazy that you would have a test strip and make it illegal. You could save lives. That's the only way you should look at that. You're going to save lives. They're already doing something illegal. You know, you're not encouraging or discouraging. If it was not killing people, probably the same exact amount of people would be doing coke.

I can't believe that we got rid of, what was it, Jamie? Sun Bubble? What was the place that you put up? The hot tub, the cum tub place? We got rid of those, but we can't get fentanyl strips approved? Crazy. Well, also, the real elephant in the room is why is it a problem? Why are these drugs tainted?

And it's because they're illegal. Yeah. That's the problem. And the problem is we don't want to make them legal because we don't want to encourage drug use. Right. I get that too. But the thing is... People are going to fund. The only way you're going to make it safer for human beings to do these stupid things and live is if you make it legal. Yeah. It shouldn't be legal in terms of like...

I mean, it should be legal, but it shouldn't be something that someone can profit off of. It shouldn't be something that someone can sell to people. Maybe the best way to do it would be to make drugs legal.

Free and legal sure like if you want it like if you I catch you selling coke your death penalty But if you want to give away coke if you want to make coke and give it away It's totally legal if you want to make your own cocaine or a pharmaceutical drug company makes cocaine They can sell that cocaine for exactly what it cost to make it nothing more okay, so no one's gonna make it Yeah, but then the drug well then

Then you will have a supply problem. And then you'll have, eh, my idea sucks. I bailed on it. It was adorable to watch you go through it. I bailed on it because I was like, no, because then people just, they'll make it and they'll suddenly get the fentanyl problem all back over again. You've got to allow pharmaceutical drug companies to profit. Otherwise, they have no incentive to make it.

Then they're going to tell you they're going to have fucking ads like CNN brought to you by cocaine. That's going to be the Anderson Cooper show brought to you by crack. The cocaine news network. Yeah, that's what it'll be. Anderson Cooper just coked out. They'll become like pharmaceutical drug companies sponsor those shows now, right? It'll be cocaine sponsors. I would watch a full news network that was just everyone's fucked up. Responsible use of cocaine. Just a little before you talk about the weather. I'm here to talk about the weather. If you're going to have any segment of the news. It's going to fucking rain.

Woo! You better got two coats on today, baby. You better get that fucking car gassed up because you're going to be in 56 hours of traffic. Let's go. It's going to be hot. Let's go. I'm not even going anywhere. I'm going to ride this motherfucker out in the basement.

"Aww, meanwhile your basement gets flooded." Some of those places get flooded. I was watching the last hurricane. This whole community is underwater. Did you see any of that, Jamie? There's a community in Florida and it was not even in the flood zone. And they're all underwater. Their houses are underwater. Everything's underwater. No thanks. Yeah, not good, dude. Not good at all. You're living in a place where the sky becomes an angry monster and could snuff out life. Have you scuba dived? No.

Fuck off. No, thanks. I know. There's sharks out there. My wife is like, we don't know. I think 73% of the ocean. She's just like, I think it's 90. Yeah, it's gotta be. I think it's 90. Every day there's a new fish or dolphin or whale. And you're like, do I just saw this video of, I think it was a swordfish coming out and like flying across the, but whatever it did, he popped out of the water. I was like, I didn't know they could fucking jump like that. Yeah. No, thanks dude. This kid was on my podcast recently. Um,

Bob Gimlin is his YouTube channel. He had a very interesting point. He said he thinks that, and this is coming from someone else who observed this, he thinks that sharks are attacking people not even to eat them. They're attacking people because they don't want them there because they're getting in the way of the seals and all the things they eat. That's why they're killing people. They don't want you in their water. And I was like, oh my God, that makes sense.

A thousand percent. I haven't even thought about it. What are we doing there? I want to think of them as like these fucking thoughtless killing machines that are just biting everything. Imagine just walking into a stranger's house, opening the door, just opening their fridge. You guys mind if I make some tater tots? That's what we're doing in the ocean. There's a video of a kid in Hawaii who's on a small paddle board, like fishing off a paddle board, and a fucking tiger shark bites the paddle board. Have you ever seen that video? It's terrifying. Okay.

But it is, I mean, if you wanted to think about it, look, the kid's out there fishing. Yeah. So he's stealing fish from the sharks. Sorry, yeah. Like, the shark knows that that's not a fish. Oh, God, is this it? Watch this, dude. Watch this. This is crazy. So he's out here fishing. Look at this. Bro. Tiger shark! Tiger shark rammed me. No, no, bit you, bro. Rammed me, yeah. They bit him. Watch this. Oh! Look at that. He bit the boat, man.

It bit the boat. Yeah, dude, you're taking food out of its mouth and its family's mouth. Again, you walk into a stranger's house, you take the meatloaf sandwich out of your kid's mouth, your dad's going to punch you in the face. He knows for sure that's not a fish. Shark attack seems like...

That totally makes sense. Maybe the worst way to... I mean, die for sure, but like... It's a horrible way to die, dude. Oh, man. First of all, you can't get away, and they move real fast, and you can't move at all. You're like... It's not even like a bear on the ground. You feel like you maybe can run. Maybe run up a tree. Maybe. I just saw this video with an alligator attack where it's like if it bites your leg, you're supposed to roll with it and then play dead, and then you like...

The playing dead thing always to me, I'm like, you're not that good of an actor. Good luck keeping it together while the thing is clamped onto the fucking leg. Dude, I don't even think Pacino could fake dead in front of a gator. I think they're going to be like, dude. It's going to keep you underwater until it knows for sure. So you have to not move.

Yeah, you're not likely to. Are you that zen to reduce your panic around a gator attack? Nobody is. Nobody is. Nobody is. Yeah, but a shark, dude, that just feels. All of them are awful. They say punch them? Who's got enough wherewithal or just, you know, in the moment. Who survived? Who survived? Who survived? Who survived? Maybe Tom Bergeron. They're just going to rip you in half, man. You're done. The bite force is insane. It's got filled with knives. Go to your happy place, you know.

Imagine the last moments of your life you're looking down at your entrails and no legs. And that's it. That's the end. Wow. This is the end. How long do you think you get to look at that before? A few seconds. You get a few seconds. What is that thing biting? Oh, my God. It's mouth. Oh, my God. It's just a killing machine.

But it does make sense what he's, and now that I see that video. That's a great perspective. Of the shark biting the boat. That totally makes sense. Taking his snacks. Yeah, because I used to think that it was, oh, just they'll bite anything. No, they're mad that you're there. Get out of here, bitch. Because they're pretty smart, right?

I don't think so. No, okay. I don't think so. Okay, okay. Well, they're ancient. Most of these really ancient things that haven't changed at all since the dawn of time, they're not that smart because they're just about killing. Wow. Like if you think about how old sharks are, I think sharks are older than trees.

Yeah, I think sharks predate trees on Earth. See if that's true. I'm 99% sure it's true. I talk about that in my book, We've Got Issues. Sharks are older than trees. 450 million years old. Wow. The oldest tree is 350 million years old. So there was sharks for 100 million years before there were ever trees. That's fucking wild, dude. Wild. And they're out there in the water, and you want to scuba dive?

Adam Ray? No. What the fuck is wrong with you, bro? I'll go to Sun Bubble with Jamie. They're going to see you down there with your stupid gear and then you're a fucking cocksucker. You're ruining my fishing. Yeah. Yeah. No, thank you, sir. I'm not interested. Yeah, okay. Glad we're on the same page. What's that? A depiction of that shark. Oh, my God. What kind of shark is that? A little bandsaw in its mouth. Is that the early sharks? Heliocoprion. That's what its mouth looked like? A 240 million year old fish. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.

You ever see the movie The Meg? Oh, yeah. One of the dumbest movies that's ever been made. Yeah. It's so dumb. Like, while you're watching it, you're like, what have you done to me? Dude. And even Statham was just like...

We're gonna see what's down there. No, you don't Jason go back to fucking the Italian job to Biting the window. Yeah crashes through the moon giant 50-foot shark. Oh, yeah the fucker was what about open water? Was that the name of that one where it's just shot found footage? Yeah, that was a good one though. It was good because it was realistic Yeah, the Meg is the Meg 2 is even dumber. Yeah, even dumber than the Meg 1. Yeah, I

But they're fun. It's fun-dumb, you know? Those are good popcorn movies from time to time. Yeah, enjoyable. You know that's not really happening. Imagine, it's like a Megalodon down there. But there could be. That's what everybody thinks. Maybe that's what took the rich guys in the submarine that went down there. You think something big got them? No. Yeah, incompetence. Yeah.

Human folly. I think that gets more people than sharks. That's a big one. I do like the idea that the further down, like all the way down there, where the Titanic really... At the fucking very bottom is something that's living down there that's just... You can't even comprehend. That's never even trying to come up, but if you go all the way down there like they did, or you make it down for whatever... I saw Will Smith in some video where he went down with some people for some discovery show. Really down there to where it was like...

They shouldn't be down there. What are you doing? Get the fuck out of there. Even these astronauts are going to space that are stuck. They're stuck. They're stuck up there. Joe, why? If they can get them in February. Why are we still going? Is down here not good enough? Yeah, but it's also if they can get them in February. Are you fucking serious? Yeah. What if that doesn't work? What if something goes wrong with that? Something went wrong, which is why they can't get them. Guess what? Things go wrong. And you might not have rockets available that can do it. You might not have a shuttle available that can get them. You might not be able to fucking...

You might have like some sort of problems in your software. Who fucking knows, man? Dude, that's so scary. Terrifying. And they have to like either be saved by another, I guess, SpaceX or- Make friends with the Russians. Have the Russians bring them home.

There you go. I bet they can get him. Wouldn't that be funny? That's a nice slap in the face. Yeah, dude. Wow. Putin says, I'll do you a favor. Nice Putin. Go get your friends. Okay. Yeah, just photo nice. You'll be nice with me. I'll be nice with you. Wow. Go get your friends. We gave you Brittany Griner. Come on. We'll bring back your astronauts. Yeah.

Yeah. Or give us back Gritty. There was a sound that was recorded once by underwater microphones that was a biological sound that was louder than anything that any animal had ever made before. And they don't know what it is. Do you see if you can find that? I mean, it might not be this, but remember the other day the humpback whales or whatever make a fucking crazy sound? Oh, yeah, they make crazy sounds. But I don't think they took that into account, and this is different.

They don't know what it is and they never found it again. But whatever this thing is, it sounded biological. Oh, God. Like it was a biological sound. It wasn't a geological sound. It wasn't like a sound the earth makes or a little underwater earthquake. There's something about the sound that they determined it to be biological.

Which is like, what? What are you talking about? Is there a fucking Godzilla down there? Just now finding out about this. Something called the Bloop. Yeah, that's it. That's it. Doesn't sound very scary. What is it? 19 what? 1997. Well, put up the details of it so I can read it. Do you have an article on it? Just making sure it was right. Yeah. So whatever this sound was, they don't know what the fuck it was. And 1997, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration recorded a mysterious underwater sound that lasted for one minute and was detected by hydrophones 5,000 times.

miles apart. The sound was named the Bloop and came from a location off the coast of Chile. The Bloop captured people's imagination and led to theories about what it could be, such as the call of a dinosaur, an undiscovered sea creature, or a giant squid. In 2005, NOAA scientists discovered that the sound was actually caused by an iceberg breaking away from the Atlantic Glacier. Oh, shit. What the fuck, dude? I didn't even know. So they solved it. I was hoping it was a fucking monster. Yeah.

That was the only one? It wasn't one? So that's what it was. So it was probably one of those things where they had talked about it for so long that it stuck in my head that it was a biological thing. I still have hope. I just found an article in 2017 talking about it where they said they don't know what it was.

Okay, so this is someone trying to cover up for Godzilla. That's what that is. That's some state-sponsored CNN-type bullshit where they're trying to cover up for the fact there's a goddamn bloop. You were reading the AI overview, so maybe it made up the answer. Oh, AI, you piece of shit. You fucking lied. That's probably what it is. You know, AI lies. What? Yeah, it's a thing called hallucinations. If AI does not have an answer to something, it will come up with an answer.

And then that could be searched from the web, right? So it could be some blog somewhere where some guy made up something about it was an iceberg that caused that sound. And AI will spit that back out. It's a thing that AI does when it doesn't know the answer to something. Apparently, they call it hallucinations. This is coming from AI scientists told me this. I don't want AI to have hallucinations. They don't even know how it works, dude. They don't even know exactly why it's doing what it's doing. They don't know how it's being creative.

What? Once you see those things too about some of these robots, what was that thing? It was like, I don't know. Having them have feelings or any sort of... They're not going to have feelings. That's even scarier. They're going to be able to think really clearly without any emotions, no remorse.

No morals. No ethics. No worrying if people like them. No reading the comments. They don't give a fuck. Just hit the nuke button. They're fucking robots, man. That's my fear about aliens. My fear is that that's what aliens are.

They've already bypassed the human body and all of our primate systems. Oh, yeah. They've bypassed all that. They're all gone. That's all gone. Do you think they listen to our podcast? Yes, 100%. They're listening right now. They love it. What up, guys? It's fun for them because they don't get to think stupid anymore. Yeah. You know, because everything's clear. Right. It's like, you know.

It's like you want a little bit of chaos and they don't have any chaos left. I think that's why they visit us. That's why, like in my special, I said that I think aliens look at us the same way we look at Waffle House fights. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's right, dude. It's just like, what the fuck is going on over here? What if the aliens, like, love Danny DeVito? Like, what if their favorite actor is, like... They love Despicable Me. They like Gru. Yeah, they love him. We love Gru. Yeah, maybe that's it. I mean, who fucking knows? But if these lying AI cocksuckers... Do we find out about that 2017 thing? Yeah, I found another thing in 2024. It said the same thing about the iceberg. Okay. So it might be real. Might have just been an article that they were putting out in the headlines. People would watch their video.

Oh, right. Probably. And what year was it when they recorded that sound? It was recorded in 97. Yeah. See, anything back in those days, you didn't even have barely had the internet in 97. Yeah. Not enough facts together. How do you know what you're talking about?

Anything pre-internet, I don't believe you. It could be a biological sound. It could be a dude that just into dinosaurs. Sure. But there's probably some shit down there we haven't discovered. I think so. They always find new fish. Like there was a bunch that washed ashore during a tsunami. They were like, what the fuck is this? Was that in Thailand where there was like a gang of them that washed ashore in a tsunami? These undiscovered deep sea creatures. Cool.

Cool. Like crazy, like blind things that live in a place where there's absolutely no light. They can pop up and show up here. I don't think we need to go down and try to find them. Yeah, wait for a storm. Yeah, wait for the storm to come through, man. Don't go down there. Don't wash up. Yeah, dude. That was in Oregon? Look at that fucking thing. Oh, yeah. I'm going out of my way to find that? Fuck off. Well, that's some kind of an angler fish. Oh, my God. Which is one of the craziest inventions in nature, that nature invented a fish that has a

fishing rod off of its nose? Yeah, yeah. Like, how does that even happen? Look at that fucking thing. Is that real? Come on, that can't be real. Oh my God. Is that real? Oh, I know this one above it is not, but I don't know what the fuck that is. See, the thing is with AI, man, you could think something's real and they just fuck with you. And this is in the New York Post. They might have got that. 2017. Jesus. We'll go pre-AI. But wait a minute, they probably did a sample of that thing. What is it? Let's find out what it is. I bet they figured it out. Look at it.

Hmm. Fangtooth snake eel. Could be a fangtooth snake eel or garden or conger eel.

All three species occur off Texas and have large fang-like teeth. Look at that thing. Imagine if we lived in the ocean. Show me the picture of that again. Imagine we live in the ocean. You've got to deal with that. I'm surprised Pixar, they did Finding Nemo, but they should do something that's highlighting all these lost creatures. There's got to be an underwater lost city where you can see the... Yeah, mermaids versus monsters. They should. Why don't they do that? Fang-toothed snake. Jesus, look at that fucking thing. Mermaids aren't real, right?

I hope so. I hope they're real. I know, me too. It's one of those things where I'm like, I don't fuck, like, who the fuck knows, dude? But isn't it like the ultimate trap? Probably not. A beautiful girl and she has no vagina. Yeah. She's just fish. She's a fish. Yeah. Like, fish don't have sex. What are you supposed to do there? The part where you have sex with doesn't exist. It's all just... Yeah. Fish lay their eggs... So how are you going to lure any guy into the ocean? You ever seen how fish breed? The fish, the female lays their eggs and the guys just jizz all over it.

Like we used to catch rainbow trout when I lived in Boston, and we'd go to this lake and catch rainbows, and they would be jizzing when you pulled them out of the lake because it would be the time where they're spawning and they're making bait. And you're allowed to fish for them, at least back then you were. And you're pulling them out as they're jizzing, like as you're holding it, like there's nothing all over the place, trying to get their last loads out before you fillet them. Wouldn't you? No.

If a bear's about to eat you, wouldn't you just try to fucking empty the tank? Well, I guess no one's probably ever touched him before. It's probably really exciting. There you go. It's the first time to go around. Oh, my God. Like, imagine you're just, like, blue-balled all day long. You're so blue-balled that you just jizz in the ocean. Yeah. On the floor. Yeah. All they have to do is run a finger by you, and you're like...

You know, like you ever seen where your dog is humping a leg and the dog is just like, they start humping the air. Yeah, dude. They're committed. A fish. You grab them right when they're in that peak. In the perfect spot. Peak rut. Just squared all over the place. Have you ever seen a fish do that? No. Yeah. With rainbow trout, they would do it all the time. We'd catch them. They'd be jizzing. Good for them. What a life. It's a bad death though.

You know, because you failed. Come and then die? You failed. Yeah. You failed. Yeah. You jizzed all over the inside of a boat. The opposite of what you're supposed to do. Not good. Not good. But, yeah, so if that is a mermaid, like, what the hell? What are you saying? That's why the little mermaid, I mean, she only, Eric was only into her because she came out of the...

the water and had some human features. Exactly. And lost her voice. Like, what the fuck are you? Maybe that's why he was into her. He was like, dude, I've been dating all these... You son of a bitch. These girls that just talk too much and then he's like, wow, I met a girl that just doesn't even want to... Super hot, can't talk, but if she does talk, you can't have sex with her because she doesn't have a vagina anymore. Yeah. Take your pick. Honey, you gotta learn sign language. Oh.

All right, Adam Ray, let's wrap this up. Joe, I appreciate you. Tell everybody, my pleasure. I appreciate you, too. One more time, the name of the documentary. The name of the documentary is called Doug. It's on my YouTube channel where you get all the Dr. Phil Live specials. Dr. Phil Live Tour. It's all adamraycomedy.com. We got October 25th in Philly, October 26th in D.C., the Beacon Theater in November 15th, Celebrity Theater December 6th.

San Diego Civic Theater, December 7th. All that at AdamRayComedy.com. My special is like and subscribe. It's on YouTube, on my YouTube channel, .com slash AdamRayComedy.

And then all my tour dates at AdamRayComedy.com. Got Columbus Funny Bone coming up, the Buckhead Theater in Atlanta, Pittsburgh Improv this weekend if this is out in time, Hilarities in Cleveland, all at AdamRayComedy.com. AdamRayComedy.com. Okay. And one more time, Dr. Phil's book. Dr. Phil, we've got issues. We've got issues. We've all got issues, but we've all got solutions. Okay? You could fuck a mermaid with your eyes closed, but does that mean you're going to make it in time for breakfast?

This is what Dr. Phil's going to use to say you can't be him anymore. He's going to say that's a knock. I would never say that. What did you do to my reputation, you son of a bitch? All right. Thanks, brother. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. All right. Bye, everybody.