#2300 - Kyle Dunnigan
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Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan experience. Train by day. Joe Rogan podcast. You know who wrote that? No. Pop Quiz. Who? Very famous person wrote it. What is that from? What show is that from? Seven D's. Yeah. Begins with an S. Stanford and Son. Yes. Who wrote it?

You're not going to believe it. Quincy Jones. Really? Yes. And if you hear the whole song, it's a really good song. I used to love that show. Sanford and his song was fucking great. It was funny. It was funny, ridiculous. Red Fox was the man. He was so funny on that. I actually didn't like that theme song. Here we go. When I first heard it.

That was back when sitcoms were sitcoms. That one was like way, I felt like way better. Like Three's Company sucks if you watch that now. That was like the number one sitcom. Snapper's still good. Yeah. You know what's understated?

Underrated that I really never gave a chance wait. I want to get back there fuck fuck I fucked it up. Sorry. Oh, I would have said Big Bang Theory It's a good show I used to shit on it because I saw clips with you know Where they're not laughs yeah, that's you know what that is that's like retakes I

When you work on a sitcom, sometimes you have to do pickups. Yeah. I actually don't know, but yes. Oh, you do pickups and nobody knows anymore. Nobody does it anymore. Yeah. Miss Pat is like the only person I know with a sitcom. Yeah, I couldn't name one sitcom. Think about all the comics we know.

I know one comic with a sitcom, Miss Pat, and it's on a streaming. It's on BET. Yeah, and that was everything. When I was first starting, your whole thing was you have to get a sitcom or you don't have any money. Yeah, or you're never going to have a career because there was no way to get people to come see you in the clubs unless you had a special or unless you had a sitcom. Yeah.

And I remember Zach Galifianakis, it was pilot season. Remember that whole thing? Oh, yeah. That was huge. Like, pilot season's coming up. Oh, yeah. Everybody would be in town for pilot season. Yeah, yeah. Everybody would be like a special kind of anxious. Yeah. Yeah.

Because your whole fucking career was laying on this moment where you walked into this room and there was these weirdos, these casting people. There were always really socially bizarre people. And like tired and mad. They've seen some people. And it's always a tiny room. And dismissive. And they're the kings and you are a peasant begging for a bowl of soup. Yeah. And when you walk in, they know they don't want you. They also know you're broke.

Yeah. And you have that desperate energy. You want them to like you. Hi. Hi, guys. I want you to like me. Off-putting is what it is. Death. I didn't get any. I never got a sitcom. I auditioned probably for 1,000. I don't know why someone didn't say, you're not good at this. No one told me. You could have been a Big Bang Theory, ironically. I could have been. You would have been a fucking major get for them. I would have been a huge get for them. The show would have been a lot better. Actually, I did get one of them. No?

Now this is a story. Let me tell you this story. Okay. So I go in and you know, you get like a callback. Okay. First casting director. And then you're like, please like me. Then you're like callback. And like, oh, they like me. Second callback. Now I get like real nervous. I can make it. It was a show. Happy family. Have you heard that? No. Little nugget. What year are we talking about? 2003. 2003.

time ago that guy Larra Kett was on it oh yeah I remember him saying he was you know he's dropping on the set and he goes my friend Don told me that on my gravestone it should say it's not a great plot but Larra Kett's in it he told that funny joke boy so he was the John Larra Kett show was on the same lot and

As I was when I was filming news radio. And Lenny Clark, who's a good friend of mine forever. Lenny was on that show. And, you know, I'd run into Lenny in the parking lot. We'd talk. But we would watch their feed where John Larroquette would, like, yell at people. That's you. The feed is always, they forget there's a feed. Yeah, people were screaming about it. But no one had a cell phone back then. You know, we're talking the 90s. So this is probably 94 or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it was a bizarre scene, man. I never adjusted to being on television. I never did. That's a good gig, though. I mean, shit, that was like... Yeah, but I couldn't wait to not do it anymore once I did it. Really? Yeah, and I had the best version of it. I had the best version of it. Hilarious cast, brilliant writers. What was that? The stress of it, it was just like, I just wanted to do stand-up.

You get to – because you're getting a little famous and then you have eight lines. Yeah. And you said you could do whatever you want and you're like blah, blah, blah. Listen, as far as – that was also the problem is I knew I was never going to get another sitcom like NewsRadio.

The other sitcoms that I read for were fucking garbage. After that, did they want you to do something after? Yeah, there was a few opportunities. I had a couple of development deals to do stuff. But then when Fear Factor came on, my first thought was like, yes, no actors. Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't have to deal with the whole thing.

Like the whole thing of the schmoozing and the, you know, going to these award things and these parties and these press junkets that you had to do. It's like, I didn't like it. Yeah. It just felt, I don't know. It was just weird. You know, I never auditioned for anything.

I auditioned for a couple commercials in New York. I auditioned for two shows ever. Hardball. Bring it back to my Larraket story. Go to your Larraket story. No, no, I want to hear this. I want to say it out loud because I set up a story and then I didn't finish it. So I got this show when I was living in New York. It was called Hardball. And I came out here to L.A. Oh, wait a minute. Yeah, it was a baseball show. I remember. Jim Brewer was in the pilot with me. Mike Starr from Goodfellas was in it.

I don't know that guy. Bruce Greenwood, who was in Star Trek. He's been in everything. He's a great actor. He was in it. He was like the older pitcher that was like my nemesis. Terrible show. Terrible show. Like so bad. I think I saw that guy. So bad. The intro of it or something. I remember Hardball. Yeah, it lasted six episodes. And then the other show that I got was News Radio. And it was the only other show I auditioned for.

It was just so I'm so everything else I auditioned for was like movies and stuff that I never got. And there was a couple of shows after news radio was over that I auditioned for that I didn't get. But it was just like it was so bizarre. So when I would go to these auditions for other things, it wasn't that big a deal because I was already on news radio. So it wasn't like if I didn't get these things, it was like this would be OK. But it was like.

Still the anxiety of that like I had money and it was still ago. This is awful like this whole thing It's so stressful and so weird and everybody's so fucked up because you get a bunch of people that desperately want attention and

And then you go there to this place where you're surrounded by people who are desperate and want attention in Hollywood. And then you have this one moment in front of these people, and they're looking at you like this. Okay, Kyle. Hi. So you're reading for Bobby, correct? I love the script. It's so funny. You know, Bobby's an athlete. Yeah. Did they...

No, I can do all the things. Whatever you say, I can do it. I'm good at it. Right. Okay. Tim here is going to read with you, and Tim could barely read. It's always like some PA who's probably on ketamine, could barely read. And you have to pretend like you're having this emotive moment with Tim. I'm so glad I don't have to do that. Ugh.

It was the worst. But some people love it. Some people, look, man, we're comics. Some people are actors. They fucking love it. Like McConaughey, that fucking dude loves like pouring himself into a role, getting psychotic about who the character is. I wish I had, if I could go back, I wish I looked at those as like, someone said this, as like an opportunity to perform instead of like I'm trying to get something. I didn't, I was just desperate. Like I had no money and I was like I have to get this.

I will say, though, if you're on a sitcom that has really good writing, it's fun as shit. News radio is fun. You said you just got it. How did you just...

Just I had a development deal within NBC and they were gonna do I was gonna do my own show but they had a sitcom that they were already greenlit and Ray Romano was on it and Ray was like the maintenance guy and Ray got fired during the pilot which is like the best thing that ever happened to him he goes on to do the Ray everybody loves Raymond and it's fucking huge bigger than news radio ever was

So, like, he gets fired, and another guy got hired, and then he got fired. So I didn't feel bad because I'm friends with Ray. I love Ray. I bet you that part just was not good. It wasn't the actor's fault because you audition, and then— I don't know what it was. It's like you never know what they want. Like, when Paul, the guy who created it, Paul Sims, is this brilliant guy who worked on a fucking—

Larry HBO Larry Sanders thank you he worked on Larry Sanders he was a brilliant brilliant guy and he did a very clever thing like in the auditions the first audition I read for it wasn't funny

Like on purpose. They wanted to cut out all the people who were hamming it up. Right. I was like, oh my God, this writing is nothing. So I'm like, I don't know what this is. So like, you know, the NBC asked me to go in and read for it. I memorized this stuff and I was like, I don't even know what I'm saying. This doesn't make any sense. So I go in and I do it. It's like real flat. And I say, thank you. And all of a sudden I have a callback. And then they send me the callback sheets and it's hilarious. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, whoa. In order to see if you could turn something not funny into fun. Because that was a thing that everybody hated, was the hammy, hammy sitcom actor. Come on, Bobby. What are you doing? You're good at that. That's really good. I've seen a lot of those guys. So they wanted to avoid that. And so-

Then, you know, they had a call back and it was just like me and two other guys. And these two other guys look like they just got back from Vietnam. They were sweating. They're fucking pale in the face. That makes you confident, right? When you see someone nervous, you're like, oh, okay. Super confident. I looked at these guys like, oh, they can't handle pressure. And I sat back in the couch and put my feet up on the coffee table like a dickhead. Yeah. You did? Yeah. While I was waiting. Yeah.

in the waiting room. Oh, I thought you meant in the room. I was looking at these guys panicking and I was like, oh, it's just us? Yeah, yeah. I got this. I had just a sketch show, one of the rare things I got. And the guy, I was so out of my mind nervous and I could hear in the door this guy not doing good, panicking, and I just got calm and I was like, oh, I got this. Isn't that nice? Yeah, yeah. Then the show got canceled. Well, they all get canceled.

Yeah, 90% of them don't, maybe even more, right? Most of them never make it to a second season, and definitely most of them never make it to syndication. They go a few episodes, and then they get canned. I was on... Oh, go ahead. No, I'm just saying, if the production company's not making money, the network's not making money, it's not getting ratings. I was in a situation. It was Set With The Entertainer Presents. It was a sketch show, and it was like... I remember that. Yeah, I joined mid-season. What year is this? 2003. 2003.

And I, big year for me. So I, I get there mid-season. They're like, we need a white guy to like pick on. I was the token white guy. And Louis C.K. was a writer. It was like a great fricking show. And this, he got into like a fight with the Fox. Here's where I knew things were downhill.

Now, I didn't sell my car. I had a really – and I'd pull up to like the good spots and it was like Lamborghini. And it wasn't just a shitty car from like the early 80s. It was like – I had like four accidents. It was just a chunk. And I just was like so broke in a tiny apartment. I'm like, let me just see if I can –

But it seemed like this was a hit show. It was doing well. Okay? So then it's like, first thing, first sign, it was like, hey, there's a Fox party tomorrow. And I was like, oh, cool. I made it in Hollywood. So I go to this thing, and I'm like, where's Cedric? And they're like, oh, he got into a big fight with the head of Fox. He told me he was a douchebag. So I'm fighting. I'm like, that doesn't sound like a good idea. Oh, fuck.

So I'm like, it'll be fine. So then this is, we were about to go on right after American Idol, which was like the biggest show in the world. So we're like, get ready for the rocket ship. And then this guy put Wanda Sykes show, took Cedric off the air for like six weeks to put Wanda Sykes, not off the air, but like, yeah,

to move the spot so Wanda's show was after and then Wanda's got amazing um you know views so it gave them excuse to cancel Cedric even though Cedric was a hit it was like a fu Cedric seems like a nice guy yeah he was very cool nice to me so how what happened he did get on the phone during my audition though at one point I was in the middle of auditioning he was like yeah and it was kind of a casual call it was clearly like not a emergency

And I just like power through. But he was very cool. Good guy. But there's a different like culture of stardom versus people that want to be on a show like you. You're not the equal. What do you mean? Like if you're auditioning for a show and the guy who has the show in the room, there's this weird, you know, what is that? Number one on the call sheet is a documentary about black actors. It's not.

Not black actors. It's just actors, period, in general. Like, I experienced that a lot in the news radio days with guys who were big movie stars, and they would, like, big time you in the weirdest way. Like, you couldn't just say hi to them. You couldn't hang out with them. There's a few guys that just, like...

They were just really gross. And then there was guys like John Ritter, who was like the fucking nicest guy in the world to everybody. Right. The nicest guy in the world. Only hear good stories about John Ritter. Nicest guy in the world. Camera people, joking around with the makeup lady, fun. Heart attack. Died. Young, man. I know. Fucking young. Before the vaccine. Young. No, he took it. He was the first guy. He was such a sweetheart on the set.

Such a nice guy. That Cedric show was also... I had an episode where it was like my episode. I had three sketches I wrote that was going to be... It was my big coming out. And I literally came out, right? And I was like, what's going on, you guys? And shock and awe started. Remember the Iraq war? And it just was gone. And I told everybody, that's my big show. And it just...

That happened and then the one and it just was over and I was back to I never sold my cars back to my studio apartment Couldn't you think that studio executives would be wise enough to go look we got Louis CK We have Cedric the Entertainer. We have a fucking show. Let's figure out a way to promote this correctly and it was funny It was just and it's so hard to make a funny sketch So they try to plop people together you need, you know real synergy with the cast and the writers and

have to figure out how people are funny. - Yeah, it takes a while. - The first set of SNL cast, they already worked together. And that's why they were like gelled right away. I mean, one of the reasons. But all these sketch shows they put together, and they'll say, "Don't pitch a sketch show, they never work." It's 'cause they like pluck people who don't even do sketch

It's like putting together a boy band. Exactly, yeah. You have to put together a fake band. Not a bunch of guys who grew up together in Seattle, been playing in the basement. No. That works better, though. Yeah, that works better. Just put a bunch of hot dudes together.

Get some good hair. Let them Milli Vanilli it up. Yeah. By the way, Milli Vanilli. They got a bad deal. Not to change topics, but. They got a bad rap. Like now they'd be fine. They'd be fine. No one cares if that's your voice. You're hot. I love your dreadlocks. Great. Great look. Great bodies. Great bodies. Dancing around. Great cocks. Girl, I know it's true.

Yeah, that's it. I do like their music. I love you. No, you don't. I do. They got you at the time. Remember there was the other one? There was a song. God. It was like a big time band. And there was like this beautiful woman who was singing. And it turned out it wasn't really her singing. It was some big heavy lady singing.

Who was actually singing? Oh, it's always, yeah, it's always like a big, Millie Vanilla was a big fact. It was one of those fucking, something factory. What was the band? Yes. They didn't sing? There was a situation like that, right? Wasn't there? Where some lady. I didn't know that. Jamie will find it. Jamie finds everything. He knows everything. Jamie hates me. No, he doesn't. He loves you. Yeah, he does. I heard him talk shit about me. We talked about you earlier today. He was saying nice things. He talked shit about me. He's bipolar. I know. He's mentally ill. He got hit by a golf ball. Yeah.

Yeah, I saw his. He's so cool. I want that. I was watching him. He's got that really cool golf set back there. I want to get one of them. Jamie can golf his ass off. I have a buddy who got hit in the head with a golf ball. He said he was fucked up for six months. Oh, really? You got hit in the head with a line drive. Just donk. I hit a kid with a golf ball. He was all right, though.

Luckily, I didn't get a good swing on it. I see those guys that do those power swings on the internet where they loop their arm around and fucking drive through. It's like managing to get hit with one of those balls. It's like getting hit with a fucking...

Like a shotgun shooting a rubber bullet at you. Yeah, yeah. They're really, yeah, if you get a nice skull worm burner, you could kill a duck if you just. Really? You ever see those videos of pieces of head just snapping? No, but you ever see that one where the pitcher catches the bird in mid-flight? Yes. Amazing. Crazy. It's like, what are the odds that it would perfectly be there when it's a 100-mile-an-hour pitch? Oh, my God. Who was that? Was that Randy? Yeah. Was it? Randy, what's his last name? Randy Johnson. Randy Johnson. Randy Johnson.

He was so tall. He was like halfway to the thing. Oh, no. Martha Walsh, most famous unknown singer of the 90s speaks. How a voice behind It's Raining Men, Gonna Make You Sweat, and Strike It Up went from being a bullied victim to an industry pioneer. So which song was at the C&C Music Factory song? Gonna Make You Sweat, C&C Music Factory. It's Raining Men.

She's cute when they give her a shot. I don't know what CNC music factory looks like were they good-looking They probably were well that was the move back then you get good-looking people they dance around I just get a I did well this was the first time where they were experimenting really with images of

in a way where everything's visual. It's all video. MTV was so important. It was so important. I like the ugly years of musicians. Gonna make you sweat the same song as everybody dancing. Oh, that's it. Everybody. Oh, God, that reminds me of college. So that's it. Some other lady in the video was singing it, but that lady was the real voice behind it.

But she just didn't look like they wanted her to look. Uncredited vocals on the chorus. Which is just so crazy. Like, do you don't think, like, look what's happening with, like, Lizzo. Do you think, you don't think that would have happened in 1994? Of course it would have if you just tried it. Everybody.

That reminds me of college. I went to school for acting, which is the dumbest thing you can ever go to school for, by the way. What did you learn? Nothing. Honestly, I learned to be a worse actor. I really do believe that. It was like Shakespeare and stuff. I'm terrible at that. All my teachers thought I was just terrible. And they did this one class.

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Check it out. Literally, like, this was called Movement for the Actor. Now, imagine, like, your parents, my parents paid for college. It was so nice of them. I don't have any debt. But, like, what a waste of my parents' money. It was, this is an hour class. Movement for the Actor. So they'd put on music, like, everybody at Dance Now was one of the things. And then you're supposed to just creatively, like, do whatever. So these a bunch of weirdos. Like,

$50,000. So I'm in the, and I'm in my head like, what the fuck is, this doesn't make me a bad, so you're fake. And then this teacher was like, we're doing Shakespeare. And he's like, bring in tights next week for the Shakespeare performance. And I'm like, I'm not buying tights and coming in here with tights. Like, why would I have to do that?

Because back then, they dressed in their normal clothes. You know what I mean? When Shakespeare wrote the thing, they were just in their clothes. It wasn't like you had to be in tights to do Hamlet. So I just didn't get tights. And he'd come in, he's like, where's your tights? He's like this very effeminate guy who hated me. And he goes, where are your tights, Kyle? And I was like, oh, I forgot my tights. And he's like, make sure you bring your tights next week. And I was like, okay. So next week, no tights. And I go, oh, I forgot my tights. Like, darn it.

Is that how you said it? Yeah, I was like, oh. That's probably your best acting. I brought my tights, yeah. I was really good at acting like I wanted to bring my tights. So he goes, get mine. They're in the back. So these green tights. Oh, that had been hugging his balls. Yeah, I had to put them on. And I looked like Kermit the Frog because my legs are like the size of a 12-year-old Korean girl. And I came out with my, it was disgusting. Kermit the Frog. Yeah, I look like Kermit. Yeah.

By the way, and I did tell him, I said, listen, because I tried to negotiate before I put his tights on. I'm like, but they didn't, they just wore their clothes like back then. And he was like, get the tights. Like, I want to see you in tights. Brian Callen was always going to acting schools and he knew they were ridiculous. But I don't, I think like Brian at one point in time was like completely enamored with the idea with being in acting.

In Hollywood, like, he had a bunch of, like, famous actor friends, and he'd go to famous actor parties, and he'd take acting classes. He's always working on his craft. I love that. Working on my craft. By the way, that's such bullshit. But he was bullshitting. Yeah, he knew. But he was aware. He was fucking around. Like, when he would say working on my craft, he wasn't being serious. He was completely joking. Yeah, he's very... So he had this teacher that was... I think it was a Scientology household, too. It was one of those things. There was a lot of that, particularly in the 90s. Oh, yeah. Where the teachers were Scientologists. Oh, yeah.

Insert, by the way, it's not to pick on Scientology, insert whatever religion. There was a lot of Scientology that was in Hollywood, though. But what they would do is they would get people to join the acting class and they would try to recruit them into Scientology because the teacher was a Scientologist. He would talk about how important it was.

You never tried to be in Scientology? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How important it was for his craft. Meanwhile, they're never successful. The people that are teaching the acting classes, they're always terrible. Yeah. They never go anywhere. Like, maybe they have, like, a small part on one thing, and then they're going to tell you how to make it. Yeah, you never hear that speech to the Oscars. But you didn't even apply it to your own life. When I was a teacher, I didn't think I'd ever be. Not to say there's not good acting teachers out there. I'm sure there are. There's people that just, like, love theater. They love, like, that kind of act. They have no desire to be famous. They love the craft. They love the art of it. That's true, too. Right? Yeah.

But anyway, this guy, he was really into show tunes. And he would do a big show at the end of the class or whatever, the end of the quarter, whatever it was. He had this big show at this local theater. And Brian's like, you have to come and watch a guy with the tiniest feet you've ever seen in your life. He had these little, I couldn't take my eyes off his feet because he had loafers on and they were like that big. And this guy would sing like so passionately these show tunes live.

From like musicals like there's no context. You know, he didn't use it like a medley like a medley of show I love that sounds like a great show Well, you came there for a shoot first to see his feet That was like the way you know Brian which Brian was like fascinated by how small his feet were comes to then I couldn't stop cuz we were high so I couldn't stop looking at that small that no they were tiny they were like that seems like a that's like they were a little little tiny feet I had a date of this girl once and she was like I have a shoe show I'm a shoe model right and I'm like, oh a shoe show

A shoe model? Yeah, foot. A foot model? Like, she would model shoes. Okay, like open-toed shoes? I just would, like, I didn't know, but that's what she would say, she was going to do this. And she always had, like, dollar bills, she always had cash, you know? And I found out years later, she was a stripper. Shoe show is when you have no clothes on, and I just thought she was a shoe... Oh, by the way, here's another... I thought it was going another direction.

I thought guys were paying to jerk off to her feet. Maybe. She had great feet. But another stupid, this was even the dumber class than the moving around class, was called Interpretation for the Actor. So this week, you would read a play like Streetcar Named Desire, and then you would come in and you would do your interpretation of it.

So the weirder you were, the better grade you got. Okay? Oh, boy. So one guy comes in. He did streetcar. And he put, there was a big mirror, you know, because it was also a dance room. And he took a lipstick and he wrote whore within lipstick. This is so deep. Yeah. So deep. And he pulled his pants down, started fucking the mirror. And then he turned to us and he goes, fuck you. And he left. And then everyone started clapping. And I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of here.

Listen to what I, so I'm like, cause I got like a, like a D on my, whatever I did. So I'm like, I'm going to be fucking weird. My next, I didn't read any of the things I like. I have trouble reading. I don't know how to read. I just never learned. So I go, uh, I got, I was glass menageries. My book didn't read it. Whatever.

I just went in there, I got an egg, okay? And I had a, I took one of my mother's Waterford crystal glasses and a string and I took the string and I was just like, nobody sails the seas if they don't find their way. Then I clipped the string and the glass broke

fell and broke. Then I went outside, you could see, and I buried an egg. It makes no fucking sense. And then the guy said, what grade do you think you should get? And I said an A, and he gave me an A. That was my college work. He's brilliant. By the way, I'm working on my craft. By the way, are you really working? Like, when you work...

Meryl Streep was an amazing actress when she was 20, and she's amazing now. She never... Are you working four hours a day getting better at acting? No, you're not... You're not training. There's a little bit you can kind of learn, but you're done after a little bit. If you're not Daniel Day-Lewis already... Fucking love that guy. Yeah, if you're not that guy already, you're probably never going to be able to do that. They talk like they're working their piano skills all day and four days a year. Crap. You know, the problem, what we did was, is we were like... We...

Not me at all. But when they were like, oh, let's make some more money. We'll have an award show and then we'll make money. That's why there's the Oscars. Oh, yeah. But the actors thought, we're doing something really great. The Oscars are like the Olympics for actors. Yeah. And it's, I mean, the Olympics, at least you're like,

I don't know, doing something you can quantify. But a nine-year-old won an Oscar. How... It's not like a nine-year-old best surgeon. It's a thing you can do or kind of can't do. There's a little bit of learning, but certainly not movement for the actor. It's not brain surgery. No. It's not working on your craft. It's not even like... It's not painting. It's not even like when you crunch a ball and you throw it into a basket. The skill is like... Well, it's one of the few...

It's one of the few careers where it's a benefit to be out of your fucking mind. Yeah. It's about personal. Like, I love, we love the person, like Jeff Goldblum, like love that guy. Christopher Walken. Jack Nicholson. Amazing. Like, there's amazing actors. You like the people who party. Yeah. Crazy wild people. You know what the story behind it to be. Yeah. God, I miss Jack Nicholson. Oh, yeah. He was the best. The old Jack.

He was the best. Did you ever see him flirt with Jennifer Lawrence? No. How old was he at the time? 1,000? He was 1,000. Wait, Jamie, do you have that? I don't mean to run this show, but it's a good schooling on, like, he's so cool. And this girl's way too young for him. But, um...

Thank you. Yeah, you're being really rude.

I thought about it.

So it became flirtatious, but it was mostly just complimentary about her movie. What movie was that? He stayed cool and he makes that eye contact. It's like you need crazy people to make great movies. She was flirting actually. She flirted with him. Yeah. You need crazy people to make good movies. You need it. You need a guy who's going to pretend he's Lincoln for four months. Yeah.

There will be blood I just saw. Oh, my God. Phenomenal. What's that? I drink it up. What was it? Silver Linings Playbook. I think her and Bradley Cooper. I didn't see that one. I drink your milkshake. Oh, my God. It was so good. He was so good. He was such a great psychopath. If I read that movie, I think I'd be like, this is boring.

There Will Be Blood is just boring. Right, I'll drink your milkshake. What? At the end, he's talking to that guy who's religious, who's like, can I have some of your, and he's like, no, there's no more oil under you. He's like, I drank it up. And he just made the analogy of a straw, like drank up his thing, and then he beats him with a bowling pin. He's like, I'm finished. One of the best endings to a movie. Yeah, it was a fucked up movie.

So that's a different thing, you know, that kind of acting. Why is this dude crying already? He needs money. He got broke. And he's coming back to, like, beg him.

No. No. If you would just take this lease, Daniel. Trainage! Trainage!

Cut to the part where he kills him. Is it in there? No, they cut it out. I drink your milkshake. I drink it up.

So good Choices they say in school. It's the choices you make in your performance. Yeah, it's also you got to be out of your fucking mind You got to be able to become that guy. I know but most people can't do that. Most people can't lie that good Yeah, I mean he becomes those people where becomes but to live with that guy would be probably a nightmare during that movie Oh would be a nightmare. Yeah, he's like as your roommate. Oh

Who ate my cheese? My Cheerios. All day long, he's a murderous psychopath. And what if he slips into character too much? What if he lights your house on fire just to stay in character? At least he does back it up. Do you know what I mean? He hasn't done anything too crazy. Well, there's a lot of people that do that. They play a brawler and they start fights with people in the streets. People get crazy with film roles, with who they become. Yeah, who is that guy?

But that's how you got a great movie. Who was that guy? Christian Bale? Jared Leto was sending people stuff, I think, as the Joker. Jared Leto was doing weird shit when he was the Joker. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like when they go too far with it. Might have been rumors, too. Yeah, the Batman guy. Remember that whole thing where he was screaming at the guy, forgetting in the way of his lighting or something? No, this guy was moving around. The background was distracting. And he's like, aren't you a fucking professional? Remember that? Yeah. Because he was in some heavy scene.

Yeah, but he was- That does happen, man, where people don't pay attention and they're on their phone and they're fucking off in the background and they're right in the eyeline.

The thing that I found interesting about that was his accent didn't... Because he kept an American accent when he was screaming, so... Interesting. I found that quite interesting, yes, indeed, yes. That guy's another fucking amazing actor. Another amazing actor. What was that Psycho movie, American Psycho? So good. Insane. But the craziest thing he ever did was when he almost died, making that Machinist movie. Oh.

Got down to like 120 pounds. Oh, I'm a second home. He played a guy with narcos. It's a terrible movie. Not terrible. I never heard of it. It's just not very good. But I mean...

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I almost got... I got a movie. It was like the only... It was right in between... It was Joaquin Phoenix's movie. It was so bad. The only movie I ever got. And it was between The Joker and the next... It was set up to be this big movie. It was Gus Van Zant movie. And to get the... I was a doctor. I had to say all these crazy things, technical about the spine and the...

And I knew if I could just get through this audition and just say this, I'll get this part. I'll be in the top 10% 'cause everyone's gonna fuck up this and be staring at a piece of paper. So I did the whole script. When I tap here to say this, I had a whole thing that made me memorize it. And I went and I got it. I go to do the thing, no one talks to me.

the guy, the wardrobe guy goes, what outfit you want? He showed me a couple and I was like, this one? I'm choosing the outfit of this doctor? I was like, okay. And then never saw Gus Van Zandt and then I get there and they go, just when they say action, go in there and then do your scene. There was no blocking or anything and I'm like, okay. Okay.

And I've never done a movie before. And I'm like, this is how? I don't think this is how you do it. So they're like, they go, go. So I go in there and I'm like, see Qualum, he's doing this whole thing. And Gus Van Zandt comes up after me. He goes, have we met before? I auditioned like three times for him and I got the part. And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, you're talking over Joaquin. And I go, oh.

Don't talk over Joaquin. I couldn't hear Joaquin Phoenix at all because he was just like doing his lines like that, you know, and I wouldn't think as the doctor talking to like assistants that I would stop talking in the middle of my sentences while he's talking because he was talking to himself.

But it was the weirdest thing. Terrible movie. Was he playing an insane person? He was cripple. He was... Is that PC? Did we say that? Cripple? Yeah. You're allowed to say that as well. He couldn't move his legs. Yeah. He was the guy... He was a cartoonist. I'm blanking on the name of the movie, but he was a cartoonist, and it was this biopic, and...

it was a very weird experience but the movie anyway my point is it's terrible it's a terrible movie but you thought it was going to be a banger thought this was your shot well no because at this point in my career like the shock and all like these things happen to me over and over again where I'm just like kind of laughing and it's like okay I remember I was yeah

there's been a bunch of situations where like get ready for the rocket ship kyle because things are about to take off and i'm always like okay yeah the old rocket ship not funny like everybody wants to it's just the weird anxiety of not knowing if it's going to work out for you such a terrible place to be

Like that's where the real making it is. The real making it is just not worrying about that anymore. The real making it is just like, oh, I can make a living. That's the real. That's a big hump. That's the hump. That's the hump. Like whenever I tell like young comics that are just starting to like headline now and, you know, they've got some like viral clips. I'm like, dude, listen to me. You have already made it.

Like you're a professional now. This is the hump. Everything now is just stick to the grind. Stick to the – it's gravy from here on out. Like you should be so happy. You're talented and you're successful. It's actually happening. People are paying to come see you. I'm like, you got this. Like from here – because everyone is like, man, what if they stop coming? Like don't give in to that. You should have fun. Have fun. They want you to have fun. Come on.

It's almost your job is to have fun. Your job is to have fun. I wish someone told me because I really did not get this advice for a long, long time. Some people that are super successful still don't do that. There's guys out there that are super successful that are paying attention to the ticket sales of other super successful guys and comparing themselves. That's not a good place to be. I'm talking about arena acts that do that.

Oh, really? Oh, yeah. That's mental illness. People get kooky. Yeah. They get kooky with numbers and their position in the ladder. Am I making it? Is it happening? What does their name rhyme with? I'm not telling you.

Jamie knows I could tell by the I like them too I like a lot of people that think ridiculous things, but it's just it's a trap that you know those the Struggle that led you to become successful something in the first place that becomes like your mentality once you're in a different stage of it and you have to adjust hard to be able to adjust almost like changing your personality to change that habit I mean, yeah, it's really difficult. Well everybody adjusts a little bit right because you first get into it because you want attention and

Like you first get into it because you think, maybe I could be a comedian. That'd be cool. I'd be on stage. I'd get attention. And then after that, you don't need that. That's not what you really want anymore. Then it becomes like, I just want it to get better. I'm working on this thing. I just want it to work. I want it to pop on stage. I want to figure out the right beats. I want to figure out the right way to say it. Then it becomes that. And once it becomes that, that's the happy spot. That's where you're happy. When you can just create stuff. You're like...

I wish someone told me that because I had a viral some viral YouTube videos like way back and I did I was still on like sitcom I kind of get a sitcom mentality where if someone was just like dude focus on your YouTube and get your audience go directly to your audience yeah back then no one knew no one had any idea like

Just think about this podcast was started in 2009. And in 2009, everybody thought it was a pathetic waste of time. Yeah, I remember. Friends would come over to do my podcast and be like, what are you doing? Why are you doing this? It's such a waste of time. You're on a fucking webcam. But nobody saw it.

that comment. - Did you? - I would have never given you that advice back then. Just stick to your YouTube. - You did it 'cause it was enjoyable. - Just fun. - You weren't thinking this is the way. - I always wanted a radio show, but no one would ever give me a radio show. So when I would do radio shows, like if I would sit in on Opie and Anthony and be like, this is so fun, I'd love to do something like this, but no one's gonna give me one of these fucking things.

That's how I thought about it. And so when I saw Anthony Cumia started doing this thing live from the compound, he would do it in his basement where he'd play karaoke with a machine gun. He's out of his mind. He's drunk. He's got full beer kegs on tap there. They're drinking Guinness and he's fucking doing karaoke where he's holding a machine gun. It was the most ridiculous shit. But he had a full professional studio where he had green screen. He had pro microphones just in his basement for funsies. He just did it for fun.

And I was like, that's what I want to do. I'll do something like that for fun. And then, of course, Tom Green. Tom Green had that internet show in his living room. And I remember looking around and going, you just got to figure out how to make money with this. This is a job. That's nice you knew you wanted to do that.

Wow, it just seemed like fun. That's the whole... Like, I always loved the opportunity to talk to interesting people or funny people or, you know... I'm a questioner. I like to ask questions. Like, how did you know that? Why'd you do that? Yeah, you found the right thing. Yeah, I just got... It's just like the opportunity to talk to cool people seems like what a great thing that would be because it's always fun to talk to cool people. Like, you look...

If I was ever on those shows and I ran into someone who was interesting, I was like, wait, how'd you start this? Yeah, you having a lot of interest helps. Oh, fucking for sure. But back then, I would have told you to get a sitcom because there was no money on YouTube. Everybody still wanted a sitcom back then. The only one guy who didn't, and I was like, he's lying. Zach Galifianakis was like, I don't want to do a sitcom. In my head, I'm like, oh, he's lying. But he actually had a very...

He had his head together. Yeah, he's not lying about nothing. I mean, that guy, he's the least attention whorey of any famous person. He never got caught up. Famous funny person ever. Not at all. Doesn't he live on a farm? Yeah, he does. He has a tractor. Yeah, very interesting guy. Very smart guy. Very smart. He was good friends with Brody.

And he was one of the first people to alert me when Brody was off the meds. Like there was a time when Brody was off his meds. Do you remember that? People don't know. We're talking about our late great friend, Brody Stevens, who was like that. He was so funny. Brody Stevens is like one of the best examples of like it's not what's written on paper.

Yeah, you wouldn't. Yeah. Right. If you got his act on paper, you're like, this is not going to work. Right. You'd be like, this is nonsense. This doesn't make any sense at all. Meanwhile, everyone's lining up in the back of the room to see him say it. So, yeah, I think it's like that Andy Kaufman of our like little time period there where it was. Andy Kaufman was a brilliant actor and a brilliant comedic actor. He's great on Taxi, but he I don't think he ever killed on stage like Brody did.

Brody was... One time we were in the improv. Oh yeah, in a different type of comedy. But it was like, you know, a different... When he was on stage, like people, the comedians watched him. Yes. It was a different thing. He's doing his own thing. He's doing this Brody Stevens thing. One time we were at the improv and it's really late. Like I'd gone up, a lot of people had gone up, the crowd was kind of tired, half the people there...

and they announced that Brody's here, and Brody's worried that people are going to get up. So Brody takes his shirt off, and he starts swinging it around in the air over his head and walking to the crowd. Let's go! Positive energy! And he gets on stage, and he pulls drumsticks out of his back pocket, starts beating the chairs, and he starts talking shit, and he just changed the energy of the whole room. Changed the energy of the whole room. And I don't think there's anybody, like, since him, I can't think of somebody who's, like, replaced him. Someone will replace that, but...

They're gonna do it in their own way. You gotta like you have Brody's on stage you have to go watch yeah the Polman's like that now Holtzman oh, I don't know him Brian Holtzman. You don't know Brian Holtzman. Oh my god. Oh my god You let him stay at your house. You know I say I stay at home You've never seen Holtzman at the Comedy Store. No, that's crazy. You know what I might have been just didn't know his name Well, he would always come late at night and unfortunately

You know, there would be like 15 people left in the crowd and Holtzman would go on these wild rants. He's like one of the funniest guys of all time. He's so, he's like a complete total comics comic. Oh yeah. I don't know him well. Holtzman's at our club now all the time, all the time. But now he has a crowd. Now people know about him. So they come to see him. You cannot go there.

If anything, if you can't tolerate literally everything, don't go. Is he very dirty? It's not dirty. It's just he's out of his fucking mind. And it's kind of in character, but you're not really sure. I like that. Like, Mitzi Shore wouldn't let him on stage for two weeks after 9-11. She wouldn't let him up. He can't go up.

He's like, Mitzi, I don't understand. I'm not going to cross any lines. He was like, couldn't wait to cross lines. Do you remember when Susan Smith, that lady drowned her kids? Yes. He goes, the day. The day. He's on stage. Ladies and gentlemen, I heard those are bad kids. I heard they sat that close to the TV. They didn't put away their blocks.

They always spilt their fucking milk those kids are not gonna be missed and you're like what does the audience do? Hollywood Comedy Store sunset Tuesday night or whatever it was 1:00 a.m. They went nuts everybody went not yeah, yeah it that but that was Holtzman Holtzman got these late spots So he would say the wildest most insane shit, but also have a really good point half the time mm-hmm like

Like it was comedy wrapped up in a point and then every now and then he'd let you in on it like that It was just it's just fucking around and go right back to it. Yeah, yeah, and you you know It's it's a little dance He's doing with the crowd and you got to know what the dance is But if you know what the dance is like comics love them like whenever he's on stage We sit in the balcony and watch Holtzman at the mothership It sounds like that other guy who's older and playing his name Don Barris. Nope. Uh

He's like, what are you people doing here at this hour? Oh, Louis Black? No. Jesus, who are you talking about? He's at the store. Eddie Pepitone? Eddie Pepitone. Eddie Pepitone. Eddie's great. I love that guy. Oh, yeah, he's great, too. Very similar in a lot of ways, like just insane energy and has a point, but is also completely wacky. Yeah, I love these...

He's a sweetheart of a guy, too. Pepitone. Yeah, he is. I think he started late. I think Eddie started a little late. I think so. At least I wasn't aware of him until later. It's good we have long careers. I was thinking about the sports guys. You're a baseball player and that's your identity. And then you're 30 and you're like... It's over.

You can go to maybe 40. Like, look, Tom Brady, still playing football. What was he, like 42 when he retired? Still, that's young-ish to have. Young as fuck if you're a comic. If your identity is I'm a sports player, I'm like a sports player. That's how much I know about sports.

I just revealed how, what a good big sports guy I am. Sports player. You know, you're a sports player. An athlete makes a ton of money for a very short amount of time. That's why they all go broke. Or not all of them, but a large amount of them go bankrupt. It's also just like, you think about your identity when you're a kid and you probably get all that, you know, identity as an athletic person. Then you become like a professional and must be difficult to just, you have to

You have to really never hook into that. Like, that's my identity. It's also like if you're a really hot woman. I think it's hard when, you know, you've got to not have that be your identity. It can't be your whole thing because one day it's going to go away. But if you're an athlete, it goes away even quicker than being a hot lady. Like, there's hot ladies that are in their 50s. They're still hot. They maintain their looks. There's some hot ladies in the 50s. They work out. They take care of their skin. But there's no, like, super athletes that are in their 50s. Like, they don't exist. What about...

Not at a professional level. Hold on, let me think. Go ahead. It's not possible. I know athletes. Give me a second here. There's one guy I can tell you that did it into his 50s. Bernard Hopkins. He played golf? No, he was a boxer. World champion boxer. Oh, a boxer in their 50s? Multiple division world champion boxer. Was beating world champions at 50 years old. Did Tyson, was he full on going full on? I don't know. I'm not Mike Tyson. You don't know? But I would say by the tone of my voice, you can sense a little bit of skepticism.

Anybody who's a combat sports athlete looked at that and said, you know, I'm happy Mike Tyson made money. It seemed like he held back a little bit. Maybe.

Maybe there was an agreement. I wasn't there. That would be lame, Jamie. I'm not one for wild speculation. No, you're not. No, you don't get involved in anything. Gordie Howell was playing until he was 69 years old and 276 days. Who is that? He played one extra game. Gordie Howell. Gordie Howell, great. Soccer? Hockey? He was 69? Yeah, I mean, he wasn't in the NHL at that point, but he played a professional hockey game at that age, yeah. That's insane.

Hey, Joe, can I have a cigar? I want to look manly. I need something to look manly. Let me get some fresh yeast out of the humidor. You look very manly. I mean, I thank you, but sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm like, that guy looks old. Kelly Slater, also pro surfer, still rolling. I'm going to look ridiculous. Kelly's a great example. He's another example of someone who just takes care of themselves and...

But Bernard Hopkins was a... What was, like, Bernard Hopkins' world championship fight that he had when he was in his 50s? This is a list on Wikipedia. Albert Hughes is the oldest pro boxer at 70 years old in 2019. Oh, my God. That seems like a suicide. Where was he out of? I'm going to look. I know Archie Moore, who was a famous boxer before the Muhammad Ali days. Archie Moore was...

That's like way back in the... There's a video of it. I don't know if it's... What? Oh, that's just sad. No, no, no. The guy he's fighting does not look like he's trying to hit him. He wins. No. The old guy wins? That's what the video headline says. This looks like someone took a motherfucking dive. Win over. That kid needed money.

Yeah, this kid's not punching back at all. He's just covering up. This looks super sus. If I was that... Oh, and he just goes down? Yeah. If I was the athletic commissioner, I'd have a talk with those fellas. I'd be like, hey, what are we doing here? Is this pro wrestling? White Tyson. 36 years after his last fight. Well, I do know that people have been offered fights...

that are fake fights. Like they've been offered fights. You do know that for a fact. 100%. 100%. I know people have been offered fights where they said, you will win the fight. That's, I don't like that at all. I know there's celebrity boxing matches and celebrity fights that are like that where they make a deal. Would you ever do a legit fight at some point? I'm old as fuck, dude. No, dude, you're chickens. Bring chicken. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, you shouldn't do that kind of stuff as you get older, I don't think. I don't think your body's as resilient. Even if you stay fit and in shape, you don't want head trauma in your 50s. I've hit my head so many times in my life, I'm a little worried about it. So Hopkins broke his own record by winning the IBF Light Heavyweight title from Tavares Cloud in 2013. And again in 2014, we won the WBA Super title from Beboot.com.

at ages 48 and 49. That's fucking crazy. So he wins two titles, a

A title at age 48 and a title at age 49. Incredible. Are those rigged? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, the way that he would box was super intelligent. Like he was very defensively minded. You didn't get clean shots off on Bernard Hopkins. He was very clever and he understood boxing like at a very, very like deep level. His footwork was always on point, never drank, never smoked, never

Always took care of his body, ate only organic food, worked out every day, never got out of shape, just all discipline. And so he was able to maintain his body. Did you ever have that guy, Brian? What the hell is this? Oh, what the fuck? It's not working? Piece of shit. These things die. That is a piece of shit. No way. There it goes. Have you had that guy? I'm going to look ridiculous doing this. No, you look like a man. I think more of you now. Thanks, man.

Joe said I look like a man. Wouldn't that be funny if that's all it takes? No, I did not. Until I started you. Come on, bitch. I think I have to fill it. Yeah, I only got a corner. Have you had that guy on who's trying to live forever, the vampire? No, I haven't. I'm really fascinated with that guy. I like what he's doing. He's trying. It's kind of interesting, but he's doing a bunch of stuff that I would say most experts believe is not the way to go. One of them is avoiding sunlight.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're supposed to get sunlight. Sunlight is important for your body. It's the best way your body produces vitamin D. It's great for your endorphins. Sunlight is good for you. This idea that you should be shielded from the sun because you're going to prevent skin cancer, it's probably...

I talked to a dermatologist about this, and they were explaining that if you don't have resilience from the sun, if you're not used to going out in the sun, then you go out all in one burst and get sunburned. He's like, yeah, sunburn is not good for you. Yeah, he goes, you're damaging your skin. What you should do is get accustomed to being in the sun so you don't get fucking sunburned. And then be out in the sun. Don't get cooked. Don't spend the whole day out in the sun and get cooked.

But being out in the sun is actually good for you. It's healthy for your body. Yes. That's just one thing. The other thing is the vegan thing. I get it if it's for ethical concern. You've got this idea in your mind that animal life is more important than plant life and you don't want to contribute to animal death. Okay. I understand that perspective.

But not from a health perspective. From a health perspective, all the studies that showed that meat causes this, it's all been debunked. And not only that, most of them are these epidemiology studies where they ask people, like, how often do you eat meat? Is it two times a week, three times a week, four times a week? And the more people that ate meat, the more people you see diseases, the more people you see –

problems, all these health consequences. And so they go, oh, meat correlates to these health consequences. What you don't ask them is, how did you eat the meat? Is it a Jack in the Box burger with a fucking giant Coca-Cola? Did you have fries that were cooked in seed oil? Did you eat cake with it? What did you do? Do you smoke cigarettes? How often do you drink? Do you drink every night? Okay. Like,

People that are more health conscious, especially if they haven't read into it enough, where they really understand what's nutrient dense and what causes problems with your health and what are the real issues with high sugar diets. And those people, they hear meat is bad. So they say, you know what? I'm just going to eat vegetarian. It seems like it's healthier. I'm just going to eat lentils. They're good for you. They don't cause cancer. I read about the China diet. And so you start believing that.

But that's not really true. And people have eaten meat since literally the beginning of time, and 95% of the planet eats meat. There's a bunch of things that likely contribute to all sorts of...

metabolic diseases that people have. I don't think regular meat is one of them. I don't think a grass-fed steak and a fucking salad is gonna kill you. I think the real issue is buns and fries and soda and chips and cookies and the people that don't avoid eating meat if they're not well-read about it, they're doing it because they don't give a fuck.

I'm going to eat a burger because I want to eat a burger. So you get a lot of that. So in the people that avoid meat, you get like a healthy user bias because these are people that even if it's not correct – I know people that truly believe that you can become a better athlete on a vegan diet. I'm like, okay, but there's no pros who have ever done that.

No pros have ever gone vegan and been especially at an explosive sport. There's only like a few people out there. Like there's a guy named Martin Bacolet. Do you know who he is? Of course. Martin Bacolet from the Cincinnati Red Dogs. No, you're making it up. Martin Bacolet is one of the best heavyweight boxers in the world. He's this fucking enormous guy. I think he's – I don't remember what part of Africa he's from. He might be Congolese. Yeah.

He's a monster. And he's a vegetarian. Vegetarian. Fucking people up. It's kind of crazy. Like, one of the best heavyweight boxers alive. Huge guy. And he's a vegetarian. It's an aberration, though. In vegetarian, you can still eat eggs. Eggs are probably as good as anything. If you want to eat, like, one protein and, you know, simple, easy to digest, has everything...

Eggs are pretty fucking solid. I eat eggs like every day. I actually tried to not eat meat for a little while, a few years ago. You need like a nutritionist with you to really make sure you cover that. Yeah, you got to get all your vitamins correctly. And then you got to make sure you're not taking too many vitamins and which ones are water soluble, which ones are fat soluble. Oh, shit.

I just caught myself in the camera here. I look ridiculous smoking this cigar. You look like a man. Thanks, Joe. I like you more this way. Great. You're going to hide those things from people. You shouldn't be able to look at yourself. It's bad for you. I love it. I love that. Joe just turned the camera off. It's just like reading the comments. Don't do it.

By the way, you know these young kids? Let me go lecture on the boys. What about John Larroquette? Are you ever going to get to that? We'll get to it. Let's not rush that story. Let the podcast breathe for a second. So these young kids now, I noticed this. Women will do this. They'll be like, people say I light up the room.

this woman told me this who ever says people say i light up the room that actually lights up the room that's what it doesn't seem like people say i'm funny but i i've noticed like they don't hear people they they tell you compliments they got and like why is this because for our areas you never say like i'm great people think i'm great you never would say that but now this is my theory i don't know if this is true they they've grown up on facebook where people say you look so pretty and then everyone sees the compliment

And now when they go out in the world and they get a compliment, then they're like, oh, I let people know my comp. Everyone sees the compliments. That's probably exactly what it is. That's my theory. That's a very good theory. I think that's dead on. Write a book about it. You should. Make sure you do the audio yourself. I have no merch. Yeah, I'm going to definitely do the audio. You don't have any merch? No merch. You should have Caitlyn Jenner merch. Yeah, baby.

Yeah, baby. That was when I knew Comedy Central was doomed. You and I were talking. Yeah, I sent you what they cut. Yeah, we were having a conversation. You showed it to me in the Comedy Store green room, in the green room in the main room. You were telling me the struggle you're going through. It was so stressful, that whole thing. Well, you had this show that you were doing on your own that was amazing. Yeah.

It's one of those things like South Park right where South Park really works because they can do Outrageous shit because you know it's not real because they don't even look remotely human Yeah, your brain knows you when you were doing the face swaps with like cell phone technology you know like

what everybody can use, it was obvious. So something funny about it being clearly not Bill Maher. It was clearly Kyle Dunnigan. It wasn't Kim Kardashian. It was Kyle Dunnigan. It was the way you were doing it was super obvious. Then the Comedy Central thing came along like this.

Like, you get a beard. That looks ridiculous. I didn't mean to have the beard. Start from the beginning. Wait, play a different episode. No, no, no. A different one. This one's terrible. Listen, no one's buying my book. So, yeah, I thought I would read a lecture to wet your whistle. All right, we can turn this off. Turn it off. You tortured him. If you want to put on a good one, put the good one where she...

what happened to her vagina? I forget what it was. Yeah. But they were all talking about something happened and she shoved a baby in her pussy. Yeah, that sounds like a bad idea. You know what's...

Oh, it was awful, girls. For a minute there, I thought I was going to suffer the same fate as my nutsack. Oh, jeez. Yeah, baby. I want to apologize to the transhuman. Yeah, did you save all of your clothes? Yeah. The first thing I did when I saw the flames was grab my Fendi clutch and my Alexander McQueen stiletto pumps. Yeah. Oh, my.

Then I ran back into the flames to get my Louis Vuitton alligator duffel, a bag so beautiful it demands attention. My size 7 Jimmy Chews and my dog Checkers. But there was only enough time to save two of those things, girls. Oh, no. The thick Sophie's choice was that. What did you choose? This is what I do with my time? Checkers is fucking good. Checkers is good. Yeah, baby. Oh, baby. That's what I'm doing with my time.

That's an old one. But the fact that that's obvious made it better. When they did it on Comedy Central, they used higher level technology. And it was kind of weird. It's creepy. It has that, what is that? Uncanny Valley. Uncanny Valley. Uncanny Valley. Yeah, your brain needs to know it's a joke.

Like obvious. Like that's an obvious joke. Like no one's going to look at that and go, what did Caitlyn Jenner say? You look at that and you go, what is this? Like that's part of the fun of it is it doesn't look real. Yeah. It's completely ridiculous. I didn't mean to have a beard. That was just, I was being lazy. I was like trying to make a joke.

By the way, I never did it. I did impressions when I was younger. And I was like in middle school, I would do them. And then I never I started doing like a manager was like, don't do impressions. And then that face app came along and I look nothing like Trump. The first one I was doing was Trump. Yeah. Because I did Trump like years ago. And I was like, oh, I can do Trump because my face is the opposite of Trump. Stormy.

Stormy! Stormy! It's funny, I have the worst Trump. Like, I did Trump first, and it's the worst one. Now everyone does a better Trump. It was fun, though. Stormy, baby. It was a ridiculous character, though. But it's, like, that's how I knew Comedy Central was doomed. I'm like, if you guys are fucking this up, like, this show is giving it to you on a silver platter. Just get out of the way. All you had to do was get out of the way. You were working with Metzger, right? Yeah. Not at that moment. Yeah. Eventually. Yeah, eventually, yeah. Like...

All you gotta do is get out of the way. Just get out of the way, put a point of camera at it, let him, tell him you're supporting him. Yeah, eventually there was a show on, yeah, I was doing like full on, because that was like, I was just kind of doing little videos. And then it became like, I was crafting, you know, we would do, you were in one of them, Time Canceller. Like we had like crafted episodes. What did we do in that one? You played Becky, the nurse.

Where's Time Cancellors? Just to show Joe. I don't think you remember this. You probably don't remember, but Time Cancellors was like a full episode where no one ever was like, hey, we can make this. And it wasn't dirty, and it got a lot of views, and Hollywood never was. They were always like, no, thank you. Yeah. They couldn't figure out. It is weird. It is weird. Well, it's just this weird marriage of comedy and

Creative people and then business people executives. That's the weird marriage and they they because they've had a few hit shows before or you know We're producing South Park weird like but you don't make it you can't make it yourself Like so you have this idea in your head that you're a part of the process of and you could chew You've got an eye for creativity. Yeah. Oh, that's right Becky

You are really good in that. Thank you. Do you come up to that on stage? To nurse Becky? Joe Rogan from the time canceling? Well, a lot of people like to bring it up at the airport. Yeah. Comes up there a lot. Do you have any, like, I don't want to be seen? You just like people coming up to you. How do you feel about that? Most people are nice. It's just people being nice. Most people. The vast majority of people just want to say hi. They like what you do, and it's nice. You know, because of you...

A lot of dudes come to my show, which is great. Was it mostly girls before? It was mostly nobody. It was mostly neither people were coming to my shows. But now, it's great. People are coming to my shows. But it is like a sea of dudes. I did a tour, and I started counting, like, are any girls coming to my show? And the only ones that would come would be like, my boyfriend likes you. Something like that. And, uh...

Yeah, I saw thousands of people I didn't see. There was never like three girls came to see me or somebody. It might be like one autistic girl. No ladies. Who likes to hear you say, yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah.

Wait till this Netflix episode of Kill Tony comes out. Oh my God, the wildest show. That show is like a fever dream. Wow. That show was so fun. Nothing else is going to be on Netflix like that. Yeah. It was so fun. We can't give anything away because it doesn't come out until Monday, so we don't want to give anything away. Oh. But holy shit, was it funny. I love, Tony's like, I like when comedians do well because it's so much pressure. Can you imagine the pressure these comedians have? Oh God. It's like could change their-

And there's nothing, you know, when you're young, you don't even know how to make it in show business. And there's just like one show that can, this was a direct link. So it's like, it also works. There's guys that have gone from that show that have real careers now. Yep.

Guys like Cam Patterson, William Montgomery, these guys are going on the road. They're selling out all over the place. Oh, yeah, people love them. David Lucas. I mean, it's kind of incredible. The fan base is rabid. Yeah, he's made a lot of, like, careers. They're selling out arenas this weekend in Nashville. I know. They have, like, the comedy baton right now. The funny thing is when someone doesn't do well and it's, like, dead silent, this makes me laugh, and Tony will go, holy shit. Tony's the worst.

He's so mean. He's like, holy shit. He's so good at roasting. Oh, my God. He's the best at it. There's no one close. He's the best roaster ever. Yeah, he's unbelievably quick. On that Tom Brady roast, he was a fucking savage. Holy shit. Yeah.

That Tom Brady roast was so important to comedy because it was the most watched thing ever in Netflix and it was the most unwoke thing that's ever been on television. Yeah. So it was like it broke the dam. And Nikki Glaser was really funny. Yeah. Very funny. Jeff Ross was great on it. Schultz killed on it. It was great. Schultz. Having something like that was a big moment. You know, like something that's just funny. Like, fuck all these stupid rules. We're talking shit. This is just talking shit. Everybody loves it.

I think it seems like it's done. It seems like everything is. Well, it's not done with some people. They're triple masking right now as they're listening to this. I can't believe this. They're not listening to this. They got a tie-dye mask on the outside. They're kicking a Tesla on their way to the garage. I know a comedian who still goes on stage with a mask and has it the whole time and comes in the whole time. I won't say. Puts it on when he's talking into the microphone. Comes in with it.

comes in maybe he takes it off no yeah I think he takes it off for the thing people were doing comedy through masks that's very funny that's one of the dumbest fucking things of all time you know what maybe he has like an immune disease I don't know it doesn't stay home

It doesn't matter. It's not helping you. You're breathing into this fucking cloth that's an inch from your face, and bacteria is going to accumulate there and moisture, and it's probably going to be worse for you. Don't you hate it when you're doing stand-up and you accidentally mouth it? There's been 15 comedians before you, and comedians are disgusting. Let's be honest. We're all a disgusting group of people. And you're just like, okay, I've got to just wait for this disease. Wait for whatever. Yeah, if someone's got a cold, we all have a cold.

That's one thing. You're sharing the microphone with somebody who has the flu? I know a girl who brings her own microphone. Swear to God. The stand. Really? Yeah. Doesn't Eliza do that too?

I don't know. How's she doing? I think she just released a special. You ever see her movie that's like weird because it's like some of it's funny then all of a sudden it's serious and you're like... No. It goes back and forth from mixed genres they call it. You know what she's on that I love? Righteous Gemstones. Wait a minute. Righteous Gemstones? Yeah. You know what else? Edie Patterson. I love her. I was in the Groundlings with her. We would do sketches. Edie is like the daughter or something. Right. She's so funny. Yeah.

She's just weird and funny. It's a weird show. It's a funny show, man. Like, I can't believe nobody told me to watch it. Maybe they did. There's too many shows. I have a thing where I'm like, can you just not tell me another good show? Too many shows. I'm not caught up. The Baldwins, you watching that? No. Was it a sitcom? It's a reality show, but Alec Baldwin is a terrible wife. Why would you watch it? She's an awful... Because I watch what women watch. That's what I enjoy. Does she fake the accent? I'll watch it if she fakes the accent. Yeah, she fakes... Does she? She is...

She pretends she doesn't understand the words? Yeah. What is, how do you say in English? Cucumber? Cucumber? And he goes along with it. Do you have that, her shushing him at like a red carpet? I saw it. Isn't it just awful? Yeah, I'm talking. You're not talking when I'm talking. I'm talking, you're not talking when I'm talking. Alex Baldwin can get like a really sweet, beautiful woman. He's Alex Baldwin. What happened? He would yell, they would run away.

He would yell? What do you mean he would yell? He would yell at them. They'd run away. Who knows? Who knows what these two are like? They both look like they're out of their fucking minds. And I'm sure it's edited, but he comes off way better than her. Maybe he's doing that on purpose. Maybe that's a clever move.

Let her say crazy shit. Don't check her. Let her come off looking like a nut. Maybe they planned it. Maybe they have a wonderful relationship and they said, listen, this is not going to sell. She humiliated him. Maybe you're right. It did go viral. Listen, you are going to shut me up and I'm not even going to comment on it. Plus, I just killed a lady. It does make you forget about when he killed that lady a little bit. It's a good way to make you forget. The other good way is you change your gender.

Oh, yeah. That's another good way. I mean, Bruce killed that lady with the car, baby. That was Bruce. Just Bruce.

That was like right after that. Have you ever seen the footage of the car, the reenactment? Like she was putting on lipstick or something. She was very distracted. What did they say about Alec Baldwin? Hold on. No, he was. You said she. You shouldn't say she. What did I say? You said she was. Please correct yourself. That was back when she was Bruce. She was him. Was she always Bruce? What does it say in the Olympics? Dead name. What? Can you dead name in the Olympics? Is that allowed? Dead name it kind of went away, huh?

Yeah. That didn't work. People are like, you can't kick people out of the social square for life because they won't accept this bizarre new thing you're doing. There it is. Bruce Jenner. Still says Bruce. Wow, look how jacked he was. Oh, yeah. Back then it was he. There's that nut shack. You can see the nut shack, yeah. Nah. Did he have the... I think, I have no information. Yes. But I think so. You're holding back. Do you work for the government?

I know a guy. I'll tell Trump to release the files. So terrifically. What a terrific guy. Are we getting new files, Jamie? Has anything happened?

What happened with Oliver Stone apparently testified about the JFK assassination. What does he know? How does he know? He knows everything about it. How does he know? He's literally a warehouse of information on the JFK assassination before the podcast, during the podcast, after the podcast. He wouldn't stop talking about it. Is it Terrence Howard information? No, no. It's Oliver Stone. He's a brilliant guy. Oliver Stone can give you he could sit down and break down from just from recall. And how old is Oliver Stone?

Like complete recall.

of dates times who was involved who they worked for before this happened who kennedy had fired why they were on the warren commission report what the warren commission reports objectives were who was influencing it who saw the the gunshots in the grass you know how did they die in mysterious circumstances he like he's like rattle it all off off the top of his head and he's like um

He tells Congress to reinvestigate the 1963 assassination starting at the scene of the crime. Like, I'm telling you, man, the movie he did is, you know, great movie, Kevin Costner, wonderful movie. But talking to him about it is where you really freak out. Like, this guy has been studying the JFK assassination forever. And he thinks it was a CIA hit or something? You know, no one knows. And until you get all these files, no one's going to know. And even once you get all these files...

you're still going to connect dots. And it's not like there's a page. Page 24, Mike did it. Oh, fucking Mike. Yeah, Mike was in the grassy knoll. I told him, shoot that Irish cocksucker. He's going to rob us. No, there's none of that. You're going to get...

Certain details that weren't available before for national security reasons or for whatever. But if they had made some sort of a declaration that Kennedy was a problem that needed to be removed, that would be like as close to a smoking gun as you can get. But they could probably get away with saying things like that in 1963, especially like –

People that worked at, they were doing nutty shit in 63. Like really nutty shit. Like that's the year, the same year as Operation Northwoods. That's the same year. Operation Northwoods was this crazy idea that was drummed up. It was a false flag idea that was drummed up and literally signed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Like they gave this a green light.

and then vetoed by Kennedy. And what they were going to do is they're going to have a bunch of false flag attacks. Like they were going to blow up a jetliner and they were going to blame it on Cuba. And they were going to arm Cuban friendlies and bomb Guantanamo Bay. They were going to literally kill American citizens. And the idea was, do this false flag, blame it on Cuba. Then we have to go to war with Cuba.

And Kennedy was like, what the fuck are you doing? No. And then there was the other one, which was the Bay of Pigs. So they informed Kennedy about the Bay of Pigs. Apparently they informed him about it like late in the process. And he denied them air support. So the whole plan of invading Cuba, the Bay of Pigs, was dependent upon air support. They didn't get air support because Kennedy said no to it.

So all these people died that didn't have to die Yeah, all these American soldiers died that didn't have to die and my friend Evan Hafer from black rifle coffee He had a very good point He's like if you wanted to look at someone who had a bone to pick was like a hardened killer Like those guys who got stranded at that beach those would be the kind of guys that would want to kill Kennedy hmm, like there's probably a lot of people that wanted to kill Kennedy and

There's probably the mob wanted to kill him because the mob got him in. The whole thing that happened with Illinois, like him winning Illinois. Right, right. Very shaky stuff, right? Very shaky election. So the mob got him in, and then his brother starts going after the mob. Yeah. Like, hey, fuckface. What kind of deal is this?

And then you've got he's trying to get rid of the CIA. He wants to get rid of all these like he gives that speech about privacy, about having these private groups and having secrecy and secret societies. Have you ever seen that speech about secret societies? The Kennedy made? Yeah. No. It's really creepy. He's talking about how secret societies are repugnant.

And that he's essentially calling out the shadow government. He's calling out all these people that are involved in these organizations, literally from like Yale, like the skull and bones that they're all in. All these creepy frat boys join the skull and bones. Then one day they wind up ruling the world. Like it's kind of Harry Potter-ish. It's bizarrely, you know, on the nose as far as what it is. But he was calling that stuff out in the 60s as well. And then they kill him.

And then you don't hear a peep about any of that stuff anymore. And we will get to the John Larroquette story, just anybody listening. Let's listen to Kennedy talk about secret societies. I want to see that, yeah. Secret societies. Era secret societies. It's a very creepy speech when you think about the fact that they killed him, like, less than a year later, I believe.

What about the back and the left? This is what I heard. I don't know any information. But in Oliver Stone, he was like, back and to the left. But someone was saying, no, your head would do that because from the shot from the back, your head would recoil back. I don't know anything. Well, we could look at that, too. Let's hear it. The speech that killed him about secrecy. The very word secrecy is repugnant in a free and open society.

And we are as a people, inherently and historically, opposed to secret societies, to secret oaths, and to secret proceedings. We decided long ago that the dangers of excessive and unwarranted concealment of pertinent facts far outweighed the dangers which are cited to justify it. Even today, there is little value in opposing the threat of a closed society by imitating its arbitrary restrictions.

Even today, there is little value in ensuring the survival of our nation if our traditions do not survive with it. And there is very grave danger that an announced need for increased security will be seized upon by those anxious to expand its meaning to the very limits of official censorship and concealment. That I do not intend to permit to the extent that it's in my control.

And no official of my administration, whether his rank is high or low, civilian or military, should interpret my words here tonight as an excuse to censor the news, to stifle dissent, to cover up our mistakes, or to withhold from the press and the public the facts they deserve to know. For we are opposed around the world by a monolithic and ruthless conspiracy that relies primarily on covet means.

for expanding its sphere of influence on infiltration instead of invasion, on subversion instead of elections, on intimidation instead of free choice, on guerrillas by night instead of armies by day. It is a system which has conscripted vast human and material resources into the building of a tightly knit, highly efficient machine

that combines military, diplomatic, intelligence, economic, scientific, and political operations. Its preparations are concealed, not published. Its mistakes are buried, not headlined. Its dissenters are silenced, not praised. No expenditure is questioned, no rumor is printed, no secret is revealed.

No president should fear public scrutiny of his program. For from that scrutiny comes understanding. And from that understanding comes support or opposition. And both are necessary. Why did we become so retarded?

Like, listen to how genius what he's saying is and how eloquently he's describing the problem. People don't talk like that anymore. No, we don't talk like that anymore. And if we did talk like that, people would be like, what did he just say? Yeah, I didn't understand a word. I understood half of those words. I didn't know it. This is 1963. We're dumber now. Oh, yeah. With more access to information than we were in 63. And people think they're smarter because their phone, they think that's them, too. Chat GPT is legal.

I tried Grok, too, and it was really cool. I kind of felt like, I don't know, you could just see liking your AI friend. That's a problem with people. It is a big problem. Grok is saying some wild shit to folks. Oh, I know they have that different kind of stuff. Also, if you ask Grok if you were purely evil and you wanted to destroy society...

Would you do how would you do it and grok essentially describes everything that's happening in society? Yeah, it's like idiocracy on the movie idiocracy. Yeah, yeah, Chris. Yeah, it's happening I definitely feel like I see like was very charitable in terms of like their version of the future in comparison to what we're doing Yes, I'm they didn't figure in cell phone addiction. I

Yeah, you know what makes me laugh is when you look at a 70s movie about the future and what they got right and wrong. First of all, we don't do the FaceTime as much as they thought we were going to just do all the time. We're like, no, we don't want that. Another funny thing is the back of TVs. They're like, TVs are never going to get rid of the back. They're going to have flying cars.

Where do you put the stuff? It's always going to be a big box. Yeah. And they're like, oh, there's no more racism in the future. And you have flying cars. Where's the flying cars? Yeah, no flying cars. No racism. There's no black people. Watch the Jetsons.

They don't have a single black person. Oh, that's true. Yeah, yeah. That was our show. Neat George Jetson. And then we'd be flying around in your flying car. What year was that supposed to be? Did they say, like, this is 2012? That's a good question. Let's take a guess. What is it? I'll wait. Sorry. Oh. My cigar keeps going out. Is that a sign of manlyhood? It came out in 2006. It's like a limp dick. I shouldn't be, like, doing this at all. 2006? What? No. That's when it came out.

That's when the movie was released. No, I mean like when the Jetsons. No, no, no, not Idiocracy, the Jetsons. What year is the Jetsons supposed to be? Idiocracy was supposed to be 2020 what? 2505. Oh, 2000. That's probably, again, very charitable. Yeah, and by the way. We could have a pro wrestling president right now, by the way. Oh, yeah. The Rock, you know. I like that guy. Are we allowed to say that? I think they wanted The Rock to run.

Rock could win. You did, right? Yeah. I went to the gym with The Rock when I was in L.A. Not a brag. I'm just telling you the facts. We went to the same gym. Did you always get pumped? Yeah, we got ripped. This was before he was really famous. But there was this restaurant nearby, and I was there, and he got a stack of like 10 burgers. That's all he ate. Just like that.

He's an enormous dude. He was just wrestling back then. He could be the president. He couldn't lift the weight I was doing. He went from machine and he had to go down. Of course. It was kind of humiliating. I found a year for the Jetsons. Okay, let's guess. Okay. I want to say 1998. 1999. I'm going to say 1999. No way. Yeah. Yeah.

For reference to it came out in 1962 was the debut. 2000, this year, 2020. 1999. What is it? Apparently 100 years into the future, so 2062. Oh, okay. Not going to happen, though. No. They didn't figure out phones. Even Star Trek didn't figure out cell phones. There was a walkie-talkie. Kirk out. He had to shut his little walkie-talkie off. They did it.

Yeah, Kirk didn't have the hats. Oh, did you see this fucking warp drive thing? No, but I love space and all this stuff, so I want to see this. Yeah, somebody sent me this. This is very, very strange. I took physics in college, not to brag, but just telling you guys facts. I bet you did, dude. You know, I never thought of doing something else, but I love other things. And for some reason, I just was like taking acting class. What did you like about physics? Physics.

I always love outer space and just science stuff. I just always have an interest in it. And in school, I was very, I didn't score well, but physics I did well because it wasn't a lot of reading. It wasn't dense reading. What is the problem with you and reading? Well, I never attested, but I did take Spanish, and she goes, you write all your B's and D's backwards.

So I'm assuming I have dyslexia. How old were you, though? I was in high school, but I always read. So my parents were cool. They'd send me to speed reading classes. They weren't, back then in my day, they weren't like, you have a reading disorder. They were like, you're dumb. You need to read faster. Yeah, you suck. Yeah, there was no test. No one had dyslexia. So dyslexia is like you see things backwards? Is that what it is? It's sort of like you flip things. So I actually put a dyslexia app on my computer, and it's sort of like,

makes the font so I don't flip the like you know so you do have dyslexia I never was tested but this app I read much faster with it so I'm assuming I do I took the medicine it got better so I assume I had it yeah that's kind of what it was Jamie I sent you that warp drive thing yeah I was trying to

I don't like labels, Joe. I don't want to label myself with a disease. I get it. I can read. DARPA-funded researchers accidentally discover the words world's first warp bubble.

Warp drive pioneer and former NASA warp drive specialist Dr. Harold G. "Sunny" White has reported the discovery of an actual real-world warp bubble. And according to White, the first of its kind breakthrough by Limitless Space Institute's team sets up a new starting point for those trying to manufacture a full-sized warp-capable spacecraft.

They added our detailed numerical analysis of our custom Casimir cavities. I don't know what that means. Helped us identify a real and manufacturable nanomicro structure that is predicted to generate a negative vacuum energy density such that it would manifest a real nanoscale warp bubble. Not an analog, but the real thing.

In other words, a warp bubble structure will manifest under these specific conditions. White cautioned that this does not mean we are building a fully functioning warp drive, as much more science needs to be done. All right, so if this was 2021, when I Googled to find it to try to see what you were talking about, I found this article just came out three days ago. Oh, three days ago. It's about an email, though.

Warp drive think tank adds Harvard astrophysicists and warp theorists to advance planetary defense. We're talking about warp drives in asteroid collection or something or other. So they're going to throw a warp drive around an asteroid to keep it from killing us? I don't know, yeah.

Could have profound effects on planetary defense, advanced propulsion, and warp drive detection. Maybe that's where asteroids are coming from. Someone shot an asteroid. Something's coming at their car. They whacked it out of the window and it hit your car. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's what's happening. We got the asteroid belt.

Smack that bird and it went into your window? Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? That's what's happening in outer space. I wonder if that's what's happening. I wonder if they see an asteroid coming, they just throw a warp bubble at it, and it just appears somewhere else. Not my problem. That'd be cool. It just shows up. Jupiter saves us from all our little strikes. Yeah. We do have a perfect setup, but then...

Okay, so this is no coincidence. We are working on something historic. When pushed for a timeline and list of goals for the team's newest project, Martyr, Martyr, Martyr? How do you think you say that? M-A-R-T-I-R-E? Martyr. Martyr. Martyr.

It said, yes, they exist, but we can't disclose those details at this time. He said, seemingly boundless passion practically coming through in print. You'll understand why once I'm able to show you. It's rad. Applied physics is currently hiring. Okay. It won't tell you what it is. But...

Great. So this is what I've been thinking a lot of these fucking UAP things are. Yes. I want to know what you think. That's what I think. I think some of it has got to be ours. And I think if I had some shit that I didn't want the general public to know that I had and I wanted to protect it from like espionage, didn't want enemies to find out about it. I would say it's not mine. I'd say it's coming from outer space. It's a it's not of this world.

Yeah. Hey, guys. Not out of the world. There was an article standing there in a race to build the world's first working warp drive. Jesus. Warp theorists say we've entered an exotic propulsion space race to build the world's first working warp drive. All this is happening while AI is...

becoming sentient did you hear that AI passed the Turing test is this recently yeah it was an article from yesterday AI passes Turing test for the first time yeah it learns like exponential people think it's happening so fast you know what the Turing test is yeah to see if it can be passed as a human yeah if it passes as a human to everyone I don't think I could pass the Turing test terrifying study reveals AI robots have passed Turing tests and now are indistinguishable from humans scientists say yeah

Bro, we're so fucked. It is. I think the good things is it'll probably cure loneliness a little bit. Like old people. Definitely. Robot friend. That's good. 100%. But it's going to be real weird. And it could be complete population collapse. No bullshit. Because of the jobs they replace? The jobs they replace, people having no desire to take care of kids or have kids when you can give a robot girlfriend. Yeah, robot girlfriend would be.

You also... You thought about... You're like, yeah, we're all gonna die. Robot girlfriend would be cool to get a nut inside this robot. They're gonna probably sell their vaginas separately and get the actual cash. A robot girlfriend that you have to keep alive with cum. The only way...

It's the only way to keep her alive. I got the one. You got to fill her up every day or she just gets narcolepsy. She falls asleep. What about meaning? That's a problem, I think. Robots be better at everything, even already just songs. I write music just for fun, but it's a talent that doesn't matter anymore. Nothing doesn't matter. They write very good songs already.

AI and then have you ever seen art one of those photos of the entire Milky Way galaxy and there's a little dot of the earth Yes, you are here. Yes. It's very disturbing and now imagine Meaning yeah Blue dot it's all us. It's all subjective like meaning is meaning to us because we think we're super important but if we get surpassed by a superior life form that we actually create and

Meaning what does meaning mean anymore doesn't mean anything anymore if you don't have emotions if you're the superior life form and Emotions don't exist anymore because you don't have a human reward system that's built in through thousands and thousands of years of evolution You need it a job just to not have a job but an identity. Yeah, the Sun needs meaning That's why I went supernova. It needed meaning. It just can't help it. It just like See me

The Sun needed to be seen. I felt so unseen as the Sun that I had to blow out a solar flare and kill everyone's satellites. Yaaah. It's meaning is our thing and we decide that meaning is important, but objectively for the universe it's clearly not. Oh, the universe? No. We are a tiny little fucking spot.

The universe like what does meaning mean it only means something to us because we need meaning what do you what do you suggest people do though third they start to get they don't have a good job they have to do the robots do everything we have universal income and You're just like I went on vacation for three days. That was miserable Yeah, you have to find something you enjoy like as humans but again This is just humans with the robot fuck ladies and you know free food there will be no more babies

The robot fuck ladies will take care of you. The robot fuck ladies will... They're going to be a real problem. But the... They're going to be a real problem. It's going to be like that... Just look at how many incels just stay at home now and play video games.

Like the number of men who never have sex and the number of men who have no girlfriends is like higher than it's ever been. Yeah, and then if you like fall in love with your robot girlfriend, she's going to be really nice to you. A robot brothel legal or no? Ew. That's what you pay for. You pay for a fresh silicone mold every time or something. Ew.

Legal though? Ew. Definitely legal. Ew. It's like, it's legal to fuck your car, I think. It might be. If it's in the garage. Yeah, not out in public. You can't fuck your car in public. You've seen that guy who like fell in love with his car, that video. That's not real. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's the real thing. Are you sure? Yeah. I mean,

And he let them film him and he kept it together while the cameras were on him for real? Yeah. You ever think maybe they just set that up because it's stupid? Well, if he's as good an actor as Daniel Day-Lewis maybe, but this was very believable. And he tells his dad and it's, you know, people fall in love with weird shit. It's just like a fetish thing. Bro, this is fake. This is so fake. This is TLC. I love that. This is like those people that eat toilet paper. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he loves it. Nah, I don't believe it.

Unless he's got like a real brain injury. That's good. He got hit by a line drive when he was six. Objectophilia. Oh, boy. It's a disease, Joe. These people have diseases. I think that's a problem, having too many names for stuff like narcolepsy. You know? Narcolepsy we need a name for. Just figure it out. The people that were saying like dyslexia, figure it out. Yeah, yeah. Stop falling asleep. Stop reading backwards. Figure it out. I didn't feel dumb, though. I wish I...

Yeah, they had that name. So I have a disease. Yeah. Everybody wants to do ADHD. That's a weird one. Some people say that's not a real thing. If I would grow up earlier, I would have been diagnosed as like on some kind of spectrum. I used to fly a kite till I peed my pants. That's a good move. Tongue out. Nice way to meet the ladies. Oh, yeah. Pissing your pants in a fucking balsa wood structure. Flying in the air behind you.

Yeah, I just loved it. That's a very Asperger-y, I think. Well, look, if you want things that are extraordinary, you need people that are on the spectrum. Like, that's a fact. It's one thing we should thank vaccines for.

There's a lot of fascinating people that have come out of that spectrum. A little lead paint here, a little fucking pesticide there. Touch it all. Next thing you know, you got some inflammation and some really good math. We grew up like, we're near the same age, I think, where I think the worst food, like when we were developing, the 70s food was just 80s food.

Just the biggest, I remember just having like that mac and cheese, microwaved on this like plastic tray. Oh yeah. It's just all chemicals. Chemicals. And that was my lunch. Microplastics. Peanut butter and fluff, you ever eat that? Oh. That was like lunch. Yeah. I'm going to have a marshmallow for lunch. Fluff or nutter sandwich. And Wonder Bread, which is also. Sugar.

We ate garbage. I used to go play... I played golf obsessively for a while. Uh-oh. I would walk 18 holes. I'd have a Snickers and a Sprite. I'd walk another 18 holes. I did this day after day as like... I was big into routine stuff. That was when I was growing. So I may have been taller. I just had carrots. You just ate Snickers and Sprites? By the way, this was like a country club. We didn't grow up rich, but my dad for three years...

have this country and the food was free like you had to spend like a thousand dollars a month or whatever on food and no one else was going my dad worked really hard and I was the only one going and I instead of getting a lobster every day right we had Snickers it was like 13 year old Kyle damn yeah at least you got peanuts in the Snickers got a little bit of protein which isn't even a nut it's a legume I wish Snickers were good for you they're fucking delicious

It's a great snack to take when you're hiking. I found one in my car. Lord Sandwich was a very conversant gambler. What's a conversant gambler? He gambled a lot. He wouldn't leave the table. Story goes, he did not take the time to have a meal during his long hours playing at the cards table. Consequently, he would ask his servants to bring him slices of meat between two slices of bread, a habit known amongst his gambling friends. Wow, so he just wanted to eat quick. Hence the sandwich.

Wow. No one thought of that? I guess, yeah. Just because he's a gambling. So he's a degenerate. I want to promote my crypto coin real quick. That's my merch. Yeah, baby coin. Yeah, baby coin. Skyrocketing, man. You ever thought about making a coin? It's zero. Anybody can do it now. Oh, Joe Rogan coin. That'd be good. Good way to rip people off.

Yeah, we thought about doing it, but we're like what does it do? What can you buy with it?

How does it work? It's total gambling. Kurt Metzger said it best. He's like, it's just fucking gamblers. They're gambling addicts. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Addicts. It's a total. That's what the crypto coin thing is. It's a bunch of gambling addicts. And they're all gambling on these meme coins. Yeah. And they're making money. Some of them are making money. And there's shifty deals and pumping dumps. It's really shady. But it's kind of legal. It's weird. The whole thing's weird. It is a little bit of like, if you fall for this, well, you shouldn't have money kind of thing, too. Like, all right, did you really? How's that Trump coin doing?

Not good? Why'd you do? I think Bitcoin is a little bit. Oh, is it because of the economy? Yeah, everything else went on. So are you paying attention to all this tariff stuff? You're not. You can't read. No, no, I am. I actually am very interested in finance. No, I watch videos of finance. I watch finance videos like every night. I'm very into it. Yeah. Really? I've actually learned so much because of YouTube because I can watch the things and I realize I'm actually interested in a lot of things. Yes, I know something about this tariff. It just dropped while we're watching it. Oh, shit.

$9. It's actually doubled today. It's dropping. While we're watching, it's dropping. 50% today. Because people are gambling. Jesus. They're buying and selling. So what is it worth now? $9.37. And what was it worth at its height? $80. $80. Wow. $75. Get your Trump coin.

What did he make off that? I'm very curious. How does that work? A billion, $2 billion market cap. $2 billion. Still? At $9? So that's what it's worth now. Does that mean all the Trump coins are worth $2 billion? Is that what it means? Collectively. Collectively. So that was worth like $40 billion. Look at the big spike in the beginning and then a bunch of people like, sucker! That is a total. That has to be what happened, right? Like how many people sold the next day? What did Trump make off that?

So there's two... How many days is it? Scroll your thing over there. How many days do you have? You have hours. You have hours before a giant drop-off. Look at that. About 12 hours. You have 12 hours, and then by Sunday, the 19th, it drops radically. Yeah, it already dropped. But I bet those first 12 hours, like, you couldn't eat. Like, most people couldn't trade it. But look at that first 12 hours. That...

is crypto coins. That's meme coins. Not like Bitcoin, not like Ethereum, but that is a meme coin. That first thing, that explosion, that's what I expect. That's garbage. That's what I expect. But I also...

I support it. Why not? Yeah. You could do that. Like, look, if you can go fucking play cards, if you could figure out a way to three-card money people on the streets of New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I used to play poker all the time. I went through a phase. I actually won the Borgata tournament. I won a tournament there. I had $6,000 in my... I had lost my luggage on a flight, like, weeks before. I'm like, I'm not going to lose this cash because I, you know, didn't have too much money. So I put, like, $3,000 or something in my...

my suitcase but I'm like I'm gonna put like three thousand in my pants because I'm not gonna lose this money and then I missed my flight so now I slept over the airport with like giant wads but you made it I made it back

So why'd you stop playing? Was it too much? It was a waste of time. Yeah. Like I actually, um, really studied and I, I, you know, was the winning, didn't make a ton of money, but like I didn't lose, you know, um, a big amount of money. I think I'm like probably after playing 1 million hours, I'm up like $4. It's like total waste of my life.

Ari was doing it in the early days of his comedy career. He was making money doing that. Yeah. That's how he'd make a living. He'd play in tournaments. Yeah, you can, especially in Vegas, people come into, they're just having fun. You can just be very disciplined. He would go to those card casinos that were out in California, like Bellflower. I know you're talking about bicycle casino, commerce, yeah. They're like, hey, Kyle. Kyle's back. Oh, yeah. You were there a lot, huh? But I just, I stopped. It's a waste of time.

Well, for Ari, that was literally how he made a living when he wasn't making a living doing comedy yet.

Yeah. He was that good. And he's like really, or he's very disciplined. Organized. Like he doesn't do anything stupid. Texas Hold'em is all like, just gotta fold, fold, fold, fold, you know, and just, you know, really be really disciplined. People just start fucking around and get drunk and you're just. Yeah. You have to understand how many cards there are. If you have this, there's different guys. You see the cards are on the table. You have to do calculations. The math of it. And just once you know that, it's like, and then it becomes second nature, you know, kind of right away. And then there's ESP.

Yeah. Read people's minds, knowing they're bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went up to Vegas once and I was depressed. I never get depressed. But situationally, I was like, I'm going to go just take five grand. I just drove to Vegas like a lunatic by myself. By yourself? Yeah. What time did you leave the house? No idea. I don't remember. Daytime or nighttime, though? That's important because it takes four hours to get there. Oh, it was like...

5 p.m. ish it was like later I was actually about to do a show a live show on my YouTube channel and I was under so much stress you know there's like editing and writing and then it's just like all me and I just was like gonna you know all these characters I just was like really stressed out

And I didn't think the show was good. And I'm like, just didn't do it. And I just went. This is on top of I was the pandemic. I was so isolated. And then it was too much alone, you know, kind of thing. For a lot of people, I think. Yeah, I think that kind of fucked me up a little bit. It cracked quite a few people. Yeah. Especially the most vulnerable amongst us. You know, a lot of comedians are like very kind of socially awkward already. You isolate them. Yeah, you're staring at me pretty hard. LA. Yeah. No, I'm not.

I'm not thinking about you at all. I'm just kidding. But there's some of us that just like kind of never came back from it, you know? I haven't had a steady girlfriend since. Wow. I think maybe I got weird or something. Did you? I think so.

You feel like I don't I think I'm very normal, but I must be maybe after the show the calls will start coming. Yeah Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby You got bros watching after the Netflix thing they might but they want to know I don't think I'm right I don't wanna say what you did. I don't think I that was by the way What I had was ridiculous. Yes, and it was like I wanted to take it off and

Don't say anymore because we don't want to give anything away. Okay. Because it comes out on Monday. What time does this come out? This comes out tomorrow. Okay. Yeah, so we can't do that.

Ooh, this is good, actually. People listen and they're like, oh, I gotta see that. Yeah, they hang in there. Yeah. That really is gonna be like nothing else on that channel. Game changer. Game changer. Yeah. No, it was phenomenal. And the show is so real. The show is so real. It's like seeing people kill, seeing people bomb, seeing people have great moments. It was, yeah. It's the best thing for comedy.

Because it gives comics like a it's there's a real career path now if you could bang out a solid minute on kill Tony you get into the ecosystem it's also such a high wire act because you Like in doing a character we do SNL. It's like I'm sure very nerve-wracking But this is like SNL you have no script right you gotta go like I gotta try to make things funny And when you're dressed up like a thing I won't say I won't say yeah, but but you're like everything you say they think is gonna be

Right. It's got to be a joke. But it was really cool because right before we went on... I'm trying to say... I think I can say this. You can't say shit. No, no, no. But like... Tony will get mad. But I think this...

We can say the crowd didn't know. No, they didn't know it was going to be on Netflix. The crowd didn't know it was going to be there. And it was so exciting when they found out. It was a go-go. When they found out it was the first ever show on Netflix, they went nuts. The eruption in the room was amazing. It was really very cool. It was pretty badass. So fun. And having that show at this club every week, it's incredible. It's so good for comedy.

Yeah, you, it worked out. Like, I remember when you were going to go to Austin, and I'm like, this Joe guy doesn't know what he's doing. I was telling people that. This Joe guy doesn't know what the hell he's doing. Thank you. And I was wrong. Thank you for your vote of support. Yeah, I didn't think I knew what I was doing. I was like, I'd bet against me. I'd be like, good luck doing that. But it was like all these things had a, it's almost like the universe wanted it to be made possible.

Because it couldn't have been made with just me. It's just like if it was just me and some money, you can't make that club. You need all these pieces. It's like you have to hit every green light, and you could never bank on it. You have to have a pandemic. It has to get shut down. You have to live in a ridiculous place like L.A. where they won't let the comedy store open for a fucking year and a half. So people are unemployed. I can snatch those people up. I just happened to get a big pile of money from Spotify. I moved to this new city.

a bunch of other guys start moving to this new city and then all of a sudden we have like 15, 16 top comics living in the city. Yeah. Okay.

This is why it can work. A bunch of things had, Ron White had already be here. He kind of lured me here because before the pandemic, he moved here. And he was telling me how great it was. I fucking love it. I fucking love Austin. I was like, really, Texas? I don't know. And I was like, I don't know if I could live there. But then when the shit hit the fan and we started doing shows in Texas and putting it on Instagram, then all these guys were like, fuck that. I'm moving to Texas. And the next thing you know,

Segura is here. Christina Pazitsky is here. Tim Dillon is here. Shane Gillis moved. Duncan moved here. It just came in this wave. Brian Simpson. Brian Simpson was here early, early on, way before the club. We were doing shows at the Vulcan, and we were all talking about making a club. But to fucking actually do it is the weirdest thing. When you go there, it's part of this weird illusion that you're living in, some weird fucking thing.

bizarre hallucination you're having it's like a leap it's like a field of dreams yeah you built it and then they came yeah yeah this is Boston is now like a comedy town it's a huge comedy town it's one of the it's a huge live performance town already right because there's so much great music here there's a lot of vomit too a lot of puke a lot of homeless people a lot of great drugs that's what I hear I wouldn't know and um yeah it's a when are you moving here

I know you hate the cold of winter. I do. And I think... This is a more inviting environment for a guy like you anyway. I know. I have family back east, but I don't... They can move. I don't think they love me. I'm finding out I don't think they love me anyway. What happened? They just told me they didn't love me anymore. Outright. Yeah. Wow. Which I respect. Would you say first? Huh? Did you say, I don't love you first? No, no. I was like, I love you guys. And then they just kind of shook their heads. So I... Time to move. No one visits me. Take a hint.

Huh? Take a hint. Time to move. I know. I think it would... My career would be better out here for sure. For sure. You'd be around more like-minded people and you get to understand the journey of Brian Holtzman. I need to read up on him. You need to watch him. Yeah. Yep. There's a lot of clubs here too. That's the beautiful thing about this place. You can get up anywhere here in town. There's so many clubs. It's hopping like every night of the week. Yeah, your club though is...

I'm not just saying that because I'm here, Joe. I'm not lying to you. But it's better than the Vulcan. I don't know if you've been to the Vulcan. It's a great club. Thank you. Tough call. Tough call. They probably get run off from people who can't get into your club. Yeah, they have a lot of great shows there. They have great shows there all the time. A lot of the guys from the club do shows over there. They do it all the time. Yeah. It's like that and then Brian Redband's room, the Sunset, which is right down the street. That's only like four or five doors down. And that place is packed all the time. That place is killer. Yeah.

That format on Kill Tony is just so great. Perfect. He's got it dialed in. It's like a finely oiled machine. It's like you or anybody who does things for... He's been doing it for years. Yeah. He knows the rhythm of it. Imagine how people come up with the concept of a show...

And you would never come up with this. You would never go, this is going to work right away. This Kill Tony format. Well, it needed like years and years of development. This is the thing. Like they did that show once a week for a decade. A decade. They never missed an episode. They did it during the pandemic with no crowd. Oh, really? Yes. Yes. They did Kill Tony in the main room with no crowd. They live streamed it.

Oh, right. Bro, they never let go. They're like a pit bull on a sack of nuts. Just clamp and never let go. And now it's enormous. That episode where Adam Ray played Joe Biden and Shane Gillis played Trump, I think that has like- 25 million. No, way more. Really? I think it's like 60 million people have watched it on YouTube. That's crazy. How many people, Jamin? 25. Ooh, done again. Nailed it. I lied. I lied.

Wow. I thought it was a lot more than that. Well, there's probably also clips. If you put it together, it's... Maybe that's what it is. Yeah. Because I was told it was like 60 million people watched it. People just know that it's a high-wide act. Maybe it's all of them. But if you think about all the clips on top of that, I mean, it's a giant show now. I think a lot of also there's... Damn, it's only 25 million? Why did I think it was more?

Maybe he's adding multiple ones where those guys were on together. There's some value in having a live show now.

Which pops more than other because you can tell that show is improvised. Yes There's so many moments are awkward and don't work. It makes even more live. It's fun thing to watch. Yeah, it's dangerous Yeah, it's also super stressful but also you with kill Tony You're literally getting crazy people and giving them a microphone for no, some of those people are out of their minds Half of them are homeless. Yeah. Yeah

Half of them are sleeping in their car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of them drove from Seattle. One guy, well, I don't want to say the story.

Save it like the Larrakat story. Just let it simmer. What about that Larrakat story? Now's the time. It's the time? Now's the time. Now's the time. All right. Boy, this better be a good story. It doesn't have to be. It'd be funny if it's not. I think you're going to get your wish. On this, only thing I've ever booked where I... A sitcom I ever booked where I read, I did callbacks. It was like four callbacks, okay? Finally, I got a sitcom that...

And it was like a reoccurring role. And I played this guy, this girl's boyfriend. And she like did not find me. I could tell she was like, ugh, because we didn't have a makeout scene. So we go to the table read. You know, the table read was like where the network come and you all sit around and they just laugh and everyone's having a great time. So right before our table read, they go, Kyle, we got some new lines for you. About like eight new lines.

They were like all new lines. And I knew how my reading was. We've talked about that. And so I'm panicking a little bit. Like, okay, Kyle, you can do this. Just read good, Kyle. I'm thinking in my head. Oh, my God. So it's going around the table. It's like, ha, ha, ha. It's killing. Gets to me. My line. I'm like, if I go to the...

then we can get it. And the death. Then it goes around the table. Me. I found. And then afterwards, I'm like, oh, I think I'm fired. And it was so much like climbing a mountain to get this job. And then the next day, I didn't get a call. No one said you're fired. So I come in the next day.

and I'm about to get to the door, and the cast director's like, whoop. And she goes, you can go home. They're going to do a different direction. I said that. You can go home? You can go home. I got there. And she goes, but you're going to Iraq. That'll be cool. She's trying to make a small talk, because I was going to Iraq the next week. Did you stand up? Yeah, USO tour. Kind of a hero, I guess. No one wanted us to.

You can go home is the most fucked up way to tell someone they're fired. You can go home. Yeah. They're going to go a different way. Oh, okay. I can go home. And then I get to go to Iraq, so that was my prize. You should have told them you can't read. I should have said- I'm dyslexic. You know, you're so nervous and you want to be like, I'm not a problem and I can do it. Yeah. But anyway, show sucked. Damn, dude. Show sucked. Did it? It was no Sanford and Son. Well, it-

I didn't even know about it until an hour ago. You got that NeuroGum? Is that what you just did? No, this is...

I stole a pack of Neurogum. You like that stuff, huh? Well, you know, I wanted a little pick-me-up. You want some coffee? I went online. No, I'm good now, but I was online, and I wanted to buy this stuff and try it, and I got scammed. It was like Nutri-Gum, the same packaging as Neuro-Gum. And then I was like, this ain't the stuff. These motherfuckers. These motherfuckers. Do you mess around with nootropics, though? There's a lot of good ones out there.

Nootropics. Yeah, that's what Neurogo means. I know what that word means, but why don't you tell the audience? It's these things. This is NeuroMints. This is the same company. They make mints. Neutropics, no. It's like theanine, caffeine, a bunch of... It's essentially nutrients that help brain function.

So it helps with your memory. It helps with your verbal memory, like to be able to read. You know, sometimes you're searching for a word, you can't find it. This stuff helps with that. Helping you read. Yeah. Not just this. It probably would. I think it's just, it helps. It's the building blocks for human neurotransmitters, as it's been explained to me. Like there's certain nutrients that like,

You know, like vitamin D. It helps muscle synthesis. It helps your immune function. There's a bunch of nutrients that do different things in your body, right? All right. And theanine is a really good one for memory. There's a bunch of alpha-choline. Was it alpha-GPC-choline? Is that what it is? Acetylcholine.

There's quite a few different nutrients that have been identified as to helping brain function. And so the way I found out about this stuff, there was Bill Romanowski, the football player. He has a company. He's got really good stuff. It's called Neuro One. And it's like a scoop. You just mix it in water and blend it up or whatever. And I tried. I was on a radio station in San Francisco, and they gave it to me. I was like, this is great. Where can you get this? It really does give you a little pick-me-up. But not like...

like five shots of espresso. You're like, ah, it's just like a little edge of focus. Yeah. I could use a little memory booster. I don't sleep well enough. I'm really going to try to fix that. Cause, uh, what are you going to do to fix it? I'm going to, you're going to be really proud of me. You ready to be prepared. I'm going to be taking, I have a jujitsu class on Monday. My first one. That'll help you sleep. I think so. You'll probably go to sleep a bunch of times in class. Yeah. I,

I actually do not have a neck for like a choke hold kind of sport. I'm 30% neck. Well, that is a large target. But my advice would be just to take it easy, slowly at first. How old are you now?

26. You look great. I look like shit for 26. You look great. Just go slowly. That's my advice. Don't try to go too fast, especially if you have been working out hard. Have you been working out hard? Not and then no. Yeah. The answer is no to that. So that means your joints are not going to be the most resilient part

Don't try to do it all at once. That's my thing. By the way, that's with everything. If like, I'm going to run a marathon tomorrow. Hey, hey, hey. Have you ever run before? No, I don't run at all. Right, right, right. Okay. Let's not run a marathon. Let's run a mile. Let's do one mile, which is a lot if you haven't run. A mile is a lot. If you do not run, a mile is a lot. Yeah. But you can't just run a marathon. And if you're going to do jujitsu, stop.

Like start slow. Don't try to do a two and a half hour session. I'm going to roll with five guys today. Like learn an arm bar. Learn how to tap. Okay. This is a triangle. I told them like give me the most beginner thing. Oh, they have to do it that way. Everyone's going to do it that way. Nobody teaches you like flying triangles the moment you get into the class.

They teach you beginner stuff like this is the mount, this is side control, this is the guard. They teach you simple basics. It's good for confidence too, I hear. Oh, yeah. You can fight. It'll help a lot. It does. But also it's great for stress relief because no matter what your day is, it will never be as stressful as some dude mounting you, trying to choke you unconscious. Yeah.

Because if you fight that off and then you're done with your class, like regular stuff is like whatever, man. Some crazy homeless guy. Man, fuck you. You're like, fuck you too, guy. Take care. You don't want to, you know, you don't even want to be in any, you don't have this desire to puff your chest out like a lot of people do. It's like, stop. Now you're proud of me for doing this. Now you're about to be not proud of me. Ready? Okay. It's girls class.

It's all women's jiu-jitsu. I would not want that. I don't want to get boners when I'm like, I would not want that. You're a woman. You're not going to get a boner. You're a woman, Kyle. Don't let anybody ever tell you different. Thank you so much for not misidentifying me. Don't let anyone deny your humanity. I'm a ma'am. What am I going to get upset about? I'm also taking a pickleball class. I like pickleball.

You know who plays pickleball every day? Wait, let me guess. 20 questions. It's the only time I've ever let you guess. Every time I jump in. I'm going to say... Duncan Trussell takes pickleball. He might, but that's not who I was thinking of. Who do you think of? Kid Rock. Plays pickleball every day.

I love any kind of like racket ball sport. He goes, yeah, I get up at 8 o'clock in the morning. My fucking trainer comes over to play pickleball. I'm like, every day? He's like, every day. I love it. I want that kind of money where I can just pay out of it, come over and play pickleball with him. Yeah, it was a trainer. He's got a trainer. Probably teaching him. I bet he's a pickleball wizard now. He probably knows how to do the secret moves. Slice the ball. I'll destroy Kid Rocket pickleball. You think so? I'll destroy that guy. Let's set it up. He's a clown. Whoa.

Kid Rock is a clown. I can't believe you're calling him out like this on my show. Dude, I'm just saying. I don't think he's got it in him. He brought Bill Maher to the White House. I have that underwear on. He brought Bill Maher to the White House and they had dinner with the president. Are we in like a Mad Libs episode? I hope so. I hope so.

I'm scared of this tariff stuff because it's radical change. I'm scared of radical change. Well, let me tell you what I think, and I don't know anything. Good. We don't. Both of us don't know. This is a perfect time to speculate about the economy. This is all his negotiating. It's going to come down. It's not going to stay like this. The bad thing will be is if all the other countries go, fuck you, America, we're not going to negotiate. It's always a possibility. Then that's a problem, I think. It's always a possibility. Also, you're not nearly as charming if people can't speak your language.

Like, Trump is used to being able to charm people. He's very charming. But if you can't speak his language, you're like, fuck this orange asshole. You know what I mean? Like, I don't even know this guy. What is he saying? And someone has to tell you what he said? Like, it's not cute when Boris Yevanovich...

has to translate in your ear. It doesn't translate. Mr. Putin, he says, these tariffs, this is bullshit. It's part of the game. He says it's the most terrific thing. It's part of the card game we are playing all together globally. It's like one of the women from Poland, she's like, oh, you're committing a joke. And you're like, no, you're not going to find this funny. I can't tell you a joke.

Let me tell you first about the history of my country and suffering. Let me tell you how many people stall and starve to death. And then you tell me your cute little fucking joke. In my village. Yeah, I've had that happen to me recently. I was like, I'm not telling you. It's not going to go well. Yeah, that's a tough one. When people ask me if they don't know who I am genuinely, the easiest one to say is I do commentary for the UFC.

Oh, that's good. That's one. Because if I say podcast. Well, people know you now. Some people don't know me. It's nice. Every now and then I get a person who doesn't know who I am. Like some old fella. Oh, an old fella. What do you do? Yeah. What do you do, Sean? I do commentary for the Ultimate Fighting Championship.

And then they look at you sideways like, what? That still, though, could be a conversation. Here's what I do on a plane. I work with computers. And they're like, oh. That's good. That shuts it down. Finances, too. Yeah, but if I want to have a conversation with someone, if I don't mind having a conversation with them, I just don't want to explain the whole thing. I forget you do UFC commentary. That's another great job.

That's a job. That's the only job. You have all the great jobs? I have all the great jobs. But that's the only job I have. That's an actual job where someone pays me. Like I show up, I work for somebody. I'm an employee. I sign up. Is there something you want to do that you haven't done? No. Are you looking? No, I'm not looking to do anything. Do you have a goal? No, zero goals. Zero goals. What about retiring and traveling the world? I don't have any retirement ideas. No.

Pyramids? You ever see those? I want to see the pyramids. I do too, but I think what's going to happen is you go, oh, there they are. And now you're like 20 hours. I don't think so. I've been obsessed with the pyramids since I was like a little boy. Can you go in them now at all? Yes, you can. You can? Yeah, you can go in them. Okay. And if I went, I'd hopefully be able to get someone to guide me, like a really good person. I could guide you. You know how to do it? Could you do it as Caitlyn Jenner though? Yeah, baby. This is where the guy died. Imagine we filmed that.

Yeah, he was buried with his dog. Have you seen this whole controversy that they think that there's like these enormous structures? What is that? This is... I don't know, but there's a guy named Jimmy Corsetti. He has this great YouTube show called Bright Insight. He's been on my show many times. Very smart guy and very reasonable guy and also is a huge believer that there's a missing chapter in ancient history.

He doesn't believe in it. He thinks it ignores something that everyone knows. There's this enormous water table that's underneath the pyramids. So the pyramids, there's water underneath the pyramids. And Mr. Beast apparently on his YouTube thing that he did with the pyramids went into the water. So they were all in the water splashing around the water. So this water table. Yeah. So underneath the pyramids, there's water that flows. That seems unstable to me.

in my engineering mind. to talk to you before they built that 5,000 years ago. Was it 5, 10? It's probably more. It's probably a lot more. If I had to guess, I think they're wrong. I think the hieroglyphs that are on the wall that depict pharaohs leading back to 30,000 plus years is probably accurate. I really want to know how they built those. I really, I think that's a

You see some of those stones are so... I don't believe aliens or I don't believe that happened. I think people built that. But how did they get some of those stones up there?

I was watching this guy. Here's the answer. I'll tell you who this guy is because shout out to him because he had a very interesting take on it. I watch a lot of these like silly YouTube videos that are all in like ancient history and ancient civilizations and stuff like that. But this one was really kind of interesting. I had algorithms, fat people falling down. And this guy is – I'll send it to you, Jeremy. His name is Michael Button and he had a very good point.

And his point is that there's this linear path between like cave person and what we are today. But he's saying, but human beings in the form that we exist in today have essentially been around for at least 315,000 years. And there's all these large rise, like peaks and dips here.

in the historical timeline of the temperature of the earth. And in these peaks of temperature, you have all this growth and change, and then you have ice ages, and you have drop-offs, and then there's cataclysms and natural disasters, and he brings up the volcano eruption, the Toba volcano eruption. But what he's essentially saying is human beings in this form, with the minds that we have, have existed for 300,000 years. Okay. With that capacity. But yet...

only over the last few thousand years have we seen all this progress. And he thinks, what he's proposing is, if there was a super advanced civilization 100,000 years ago, there would be almost nothing left. So we're supposing that what we find is all that's ever been. What he's saying is...

If you imagine 200,000 years of development of technology, of tools, of agriculture, all the different things that could have happened in those 200,000 years, that you could have had an insanely advanced society 200,000 years ago, and then it gets completely wiped out, then 115 to 150, depending on who you ask, thousand years later, you start seeing what we've seen in the last few hundred years.

Okay, I'm gonna push back on that. Please do. Wouldn't they have some metal? No. All they would have- This is what he's talking about. When you have enormous spans of time, all you have left is stone. You have rocks. Where does the steel go? It just disintegrates. It all goes away. It all just gets absorbed by the earth. There's very little metal that is going to-

and you leave that knife under the ground, just the earth will erode it. You know, a few thousand years, it's gone. Oh, so they probably had combustion engines and stuff? Here, look, steel takes probably 50 to 500 years to decompose, depending on the type and environmental conditions, with stainless steel potentially taking over 1,000 years.

So just imagine something that's 100,000 years old. You got nothing. There's nothing left. And so he makes this very interesting argument in this video that I never considered before. It's just the timeline of human beings being human beings. And he's like, what was it? Why was there this great leap in technology? And it is completely possible that there was great leaps hundreds of thousands of years ago.

But then the question is, like, what happened to us? How did we get so far ahead of all these other creatures? How did we get so far ahead of everything? I know you talk about, like, we're, like, this much smarter than a monkey. Oh, we have most genes. Most of our genes are chimpanzee genes.

Most of them. What are the things under the pyramids or pillars? What does that mean? I don't know what they're seeing. Some sort of satellite ground penetrating. Is it a radar, a type of radar, Jamie?

What are they calling them? Oh my Jamie. So they have these images. The problem is also these guys are Italian. So they're saying it in Italian. And so I don't know exactly what they're saying. I'm just reading the translation. I want to hear their voice. I want to hear if they sound wacky. Everybody is talking in Italian. It sounds beautiful. But you could say nonsense shit with an Italian accent. It sounds incredible. Yeah. Because I don't speak Italian. Beautiful language. Beautiful language. So these images that show these feet. Look, if it's real.

and that stuff is under the water table, that's actually even fucking crazy. Explain the collected acoustics from deep in the ground, including seismic waves, noise from human activity and photon interactions to map newly found shafts and chambers that extend more than 2,000 feet below the surface.

Biondi said these waves were collected by radar, specifically by analyzing Doppler centroid abnormalities, shifts or distortions in frequency patterns used to detect underground structures or changes. However, Professor Lawrence Conyers, a radar expert at University of Denver who specializes in archaeology,

and was not involved in the study still raised doubts. He said photon interactions, this is science fiction, and frequency shifts of what? He said we now have three different energy sources moving around, radar, electromagnetic, sound seismic, and light photons. This is all gobbledygook. Sounds like he didn't get invited to the party. I heard that guy's a furry. I made that up. I'm sorry, sir. But show me the images of what they believe that they've found because it's –

If it is a real thing, if you really do have these, I mean, the 3D images, like, they really stepped out of line in drawing it so, I mean, so clearly. Yeah. Like, that's not what you see. You're honeydicking me. They got a dig. But if it is under the water table, that's even crazier. So, it's...

If they're using the water, if the pyramid, there's a guy named Christopher Dunn that believes that the pyramid is a gigantic electrical power plant. Oh, yeah, like a Tesla coil kind of thing. Yeah. And the needles. So if they're using the water for energy and they actually have these columns that extend into the water, that's even crazier. That's an even more advanced civilization than just building these columns. Well, we got to dig. Why don't we dig, start digging there? I mean-

Go over there. Me and you. We'll get down there. How many shovels do you think we need? Should we be safe? About four?

Yeah, definitely get four for sure. Jamie's back goes out if he digs all day, though. That golf swing is going to hurt his back. I'm a little worried about that. That's a serious golf swing. You're a little jealous, right? You're a little jealous. I heard a nice pop. You're a little jealous. I felt it from you. I'm a little jealous. Definitely jealous of his equipment. You heard that whack, and you're like, ooh, that's going far. What's your handicap, Jamie? I think people want to know.

Yeah, I mean, what was yours when you were playing all the time? Oh, that's a... He diverted you. I won the... Turn the question around on you. I know. I don't want to be judged by a guy that's really good. First of all, and this is not... I know it seems like I've bragged a lot on this show, but this is a fact. I was the Ashluck Valley Country Club Junior Golf Champion. Oof, so you were probably three or four when you were there? Maybe better, even? No, there was not a... I think there was like five kids in the country. But, uh...

What's your handicap? Now, I'll shoot like a 95. I was probably like 80 when I was a kid. So that's like 8-ish. 85. Maybe 10. 10 handicap? Is that good, Jamie? Yeah, that was really good. What's yours? Probably, it's 20. 20. Jamie's got a line drive that'll fuck you up, though. No, I know. I heard a thwack in that room. What's the furthest you've ever driven the ball, Jamie?

I said that wind conditions coming to play there, Joe. Right. No, no, no, no. I go for ball. I'm going for ball speed right now, I think, and I've gotten over 160 before. Damn. But that's only like one part of the equation. Is that world class?

Oh, yeah. It's pretty high. That's fast as fuck. 160 miles an hour? That's crazy. Yeah, there's stats with golf. Like, most people who play golf don't break 100. So, like, you're already in the top 5, 10% or something. Wow. But that's what you're obsessed with, right? Sure. I was just trying to beat my friends, really. You play for money? Golf's fun with money. Yeah, for sure. I mean, if I go with most people here, they're only playing for money, so. Oh, so fun.

Yeah, a lot. I can't get addicted to that game. You just didn't like golf? No, I never played it. You've never tried it? No. What do you mean? I never played it. How could you not even try it? Because I'm scared of games. I get addicted to games. I don't have any time. You're scared of games. This is a big thing you're admitting now. No, legitimately. What about chess? Do you play chess? I love chess. No, it's the same thing. No one will play with me.

Are you that good? Because you're on the spectrum. I'm really good at it. Lately, I've been playing a lot online. I play. Come to the Mothership. Tony plays all the time. He does? Yeah, Tony and Brian Simpson, they play all the time. Tony's pretty good. Oh, I'd love to play. Tony's a smart fucker. Yeah. He's a smart fucker. He's good at chess. He's probably a little spectrum-y himself. Yeah, we're all spectrum-y. A little bit. Yeah, to be that quick with gross. But I feel about chess the same way. Chess maybe even more so because I can play on my computer anytime I want.

I can't do that. I can't have that in my life. Why not? I mean, listen. Golf is such a great... Listen, I know I would love it. Everyone... Ron White loves it. Jamie loves it. Tony loves it. They love it. Tony just started playing when he moved to Austin. He fucking loves golf. I fucking love golf. I don't play much at all, but...

You're just afraid that you're going to get too into it. That's what it sounds like. Oh, 100%. Yeah. I have a little switch that goes off, and then I become obsessed with things. That's how you get stuff done. It used to be, well, it's a game right now that I have it with. It's pool. I play pool pretty well. You don't remember this, but I played pool with you at your old studio, and I don't think I hit any balls. I think you just went, and you played pool. Yeah, I just went out. And you're just like, we're done. Yeah.

The game's over. I was like, oh, that was fun. That's the fucked up thing about pool. If a guy breaks first, he could just break and run out. Yeah. Ten racks in a row. It was pretty rude of you. I was a guest. I'm rude. With pool. I won't let anybody win. You had like two balls left. I had all my balls. You could have been like, here, you know, just miss a little bit. Let me go. You don't want that in your life. No, I do. That's all. When I was younger, I didn't want cheating. You should have a boxing match like that old guy had.

I've hit my head so many times. Hire some kid to fucking take a beating. That guy didn't have any fear that he was going to get punched back. Did you notice? That was way... It was like poorly rigged. There's some good fake fights online. There's this one guy who's a politician in Mexico and he got like fake muscles. So he had like those fake muscles and then he had a fake fight with the fake muscles.

It's like a super obvious fake fight you watch like what the fuck am I looking at this is nuts neither giant bicep weird like Bulging like their oil they they shove oil into their skin and it makes your like how does that? How bad does that feel and they forget to do their legs?

You got to balance that out. Well, people get their legs oiled up too. I'm going to get oiled up and I'm going to get huge. I'm going to do jujitsu. From here on in, my life is going to change. This is a good place to do that. Then you need to move here. A lot of jujitsu here too. I'm going to be out here a lot, I think. I really do think I will be out here a lot. I'm already out here. I've been out here like four times in the past three months. I know. That's what I'm saying. Just get a fucking place. No one loves me in New York. I know. No one loves me. We love you here. I mean, I do feel more welcomed here.

So, yeah. There's golf. Golf can get me out here. If Tony plays golf. Oh, they all play golf. Everybody plays golf out here. You're in.

I have to go to the bathroom so bad. Let's wrap this bitch up. I can't concentrate. I can see it in your face. I have to pee so bad. I know it's the worst. You can't form sentences. Okay, we'll wrap it up. Tell everybody how they can find you. Get my crypto coin at... No, KyleDenny.com. I'm on tour. Boston, Vermont, Philly, Vegas. And Instagram. There it is. Live dates. That's with that. Look at that pic. That's your flamethrower. Oh, that's my flamethrower. That's Elon's not a flamethrower.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And your Instagram is? Kyle. Instagram is KyleDonaghan1. And you may or may not be the star of Monday Night's Kill Tony. May or may not. You don't know. Ladies and gentlemen, Kyle Donaghan. Thank you. Thank you, brother. That was fun. Bye, everybody.