Ask, Tell, Confess: Bagpipers and Bean Biters
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ask tell confess hello everybody welcome to today's

I don't never get old. That's literally my favorite thing. I prepare for that. I never know what's coming each week. No, ever. I don't either. I do it in the moment. It's just a fucking freestyle. It's a free for all. Well, I am not feeling great today. I've been taking iron supplements, trying to get my ferritin levels up, ladies. And let me tell you, it's been a battle. It is not fun. Let me tell you.

excuse me jason bleep that too please keep it no make wind chime sounds come out no it's bad your girl's struggling over here and we had to film a podcast today too i'm like having hot flashes my fucking okay i give up it's the dial it's the little turny thingy it won't turn anymore oh that thing oh hello still not it's turned what did you do to it oh why are you doing that

There we go. Don't do that. Hello? Don't ever do that. Okay, hi. We're back. Anyways. Please leave that in there. Hi, friends. Chachi, get over here. Come on, man. I've been roaming around. Always looking down at what I see. Painted faces. You know that I could use some air.

I wasn't planned. That was a good one. That was good. All right, who's going to kick this off? Ask Talking Fast. You got me. Because I don't want anyone to take this fucking story. You fucking took the story I was going to tell, didn't you? Does it start with, so? I don't know. Hold on. I got to look. Hold on. I'll tell you right now if it does. Hold, please. Hold on. No, I'm just saying. Y'all can't beat me this week. Oh, no, no. You can't beat me this week. Oh, Karen.

Challenge accepted. You know what though? I love that Ask, Tell, Confess has inspired so many other people to do little segments. I've seen pretty big creators copying what we're doing and smaller creators. I love it though. It's awesome. We started a trend, guys. We've always done that though. We never get our flowers, but we are always the OGs. Facts. And I will stand on that, dude. Stand.

Okay. Charlene said, show. I work at a hotel, about a three-star hotel, nothing too fancy, but not gross either. I'm a housekeeper and girls. Let me tell you what these people leave. This one room left their play toys. Oh, yeah. I read this one.

I did not read this. I'm talking a dildo bigger than your face and a booty plug about the size of your fist and condoms. Was it a traffic condom? Also. I hope. Our rule is we have to keep items that the guest leaves for three months in a box in the back room. Those sit back there for three months. Then finally was able to throw it away. The absolute worst room I had to clean. I'd like for you to make your own assumption on what the use was for. I walk into the room and the floor is kind of slippery.

There's a nasty shit smell in the air, and I'm thinking the toilet's clogged. I walk to the bed, pull the blanket back, and see two 20-ounce soda bottles coated in this white stuff, not open. Liquid's still in, seal not broken. There's a banana unpeeled with the same white stuff. Also, two hangers were broken and coated in this white stuff. Also, our white sheet's now smeared in brown.

smelly stuff. Now I gotta go back and get a second pair of gloves to put on and get a trash bag to come pull the blanket farther back. There's more bananas unpeeled in a can of cooking Crisco oil gone.

I end up throwing all the sheets and blanket away. I go to the bathroom. The door handle is coated in the Crisco cooking oil. Also, the shower head is detachable because it's handicap room and the shower head and handles were also coated in Crisco oil. I clean out the fridge and freezer. There's another can of oil in the freezer. This person, male, paid cash for the room. So you had to leave a cleaning deposit that you get back when you check out if nothing's wrong. And he never came to get the money back.

So what do you think was happening in that room? I mean, obviously it was a butt bongo fiesta. They were just having a fucking party. They were just having a fucking party. Butt bongo fiesta. Yeah. They were having a fucking grand old time. Two liter bottles? I have done some weird shit in hotel rooms. That didn't even phase me. Okay. I'm over here the whole time going, crystal whale? So there's one time I was with,

And we were in, it made it into a paparazzi newspaper. I have it or not newspaper, fucking a magazine. Um, and,

was there, like everybody was there, we were all partying, Holly Madison was there, Criss Angel was there, like it was a lot of people in this room. They had this huge fucking shower that like, I don't know why the Palms had this fucking huge ass shower in the suite, but they did. It was probably half the size of this room. Like it was a huge shower.

The band members took bottles of like baby oil and put it all over the walls, all on the floor in this bathroom. And like girls were in there just fucking slip and sliding naked. Like it was hilarious. So, I mean, you could have a fucking party with some Crisco too. It's the same concept.

you know and then maybe coat hangers we good we get very different skipping past the coat yeah i feel like maybe something got stuck and they used the coat hangers to try to get it out yeah like a turd what's the white stuff uh crisco yeah okay okay yeah when it dries it's all white and crisco's white yeah it's like a fat poor bananas yeah oh what if that got stuck

Because, you know, once it mushes. Yeah. There's not really much. And that could be why the toilet was clogged. Getting it out. You shit out bananas. Yeah. Ugh. I could not. I could not work. I could not work at hotels. No, you couldn't pay me enough. I wouldn't clean that. Not a three star hotel. I would have quit my job that day. This is a fucking health hazard. Get your dollars up with Dollar Up on DraftKings Casino. Hit the reels for a modern take on old school styled slots.

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Yeah. God, I got some good ones. I don't know which one to do first. As a bag, as a bag Piper, I play many gigs. Okay. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends. So the service was to be at a popper cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and the crew left, and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave, looked down, and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I never played before for this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept. I wept. We all wept. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car, though my head was hung low and my heart was full.

Stop it right the fuck now. What?

He thought it was a coffin, but it was a septic tank. Was it in the graveyard? It was. They had dug a hole to put the septic tank. And the dude thought it was the homeless man's grave site. Stop. Why did they cry? Have you ever heard bagpipes play? They will evoke emotion, dude. Man, when we went on our family vacation recently, someone just started playing him outside of our hotel to the sunset. He was just in shorts. Yeah.

all right the bagpipes it's emotional yeah okay all right yeah you've clearly never heard you you know what we need to we're hiring a bagpiper her birthday this year you're gonna get woken up with a fucking bagpiper i'm changing the lock code no no oh i i know we're gonna surprise you for a week straight he's gonna be in your car and yeah just in the back seat oh my god

I would never talk to you guys again. Could you imagine? Never talk to you guys again. All right. I'm waking up early on my birthday this year. I'm going to be like waiting. Oh, you think we're going to do it on the actual birthday? No, it's going to be fucking sadly mistaken. It's going to be like for like a quinceanera. I was in Raising Cane's the other day and she had a quinceanera in Raising Cane's. That's fucking fire. Olivia goes, what a princess. Close. Yeah. Close. I love that.

yeah and that's what i would have done if i had one little jealous listen your parents are doing it right if you're having a quinceanera at raising hands at raising canes it was great anybody else having hot flashes because i am no kind of cool over here perfect i like your hoodie hey yeah it's cute what is it what is that it's like it's my laverne and shirley patch oh yeah i know you should definitely go on tick tock and just post it well it's got 500 000 views i feel like we should drop them early

They're not made. Those were samples. I'll put them on back orders. She texts me. She goes, everyone loves these. I said, what? Go on TikTok. She already unpackaged them. Put them on TikTok. I said, nobody told me I couldn't. I said, okay. I saw that comment. You're like, oh, we're just going to share secrets. All right. I can't say this person's name. I was hooking up with this guy. He went down on me and he bit my clit. No.

I spent the weekend in the hospital after having to have emergency surgery to stop the bleeding because he popped a blood vessel.

He was arrested while I was in surgery and it's been almost a year and I still don't have total feeling back in my area down there. Why the fuck would he do that? Was he being mean or did he think he was being sexy? Was it like a... The fact that he was arrested, I feel like it was maybe mean. I feel like it was maybe a... Oh, I already have to bite. Oh. I couldn't imagine. My fucking pussy just tied itself in a knot. Like there's no fucking way. Mine just got up and left. Oh.

Mine's inverted. Okay. It is fucking, it's literally just skin now. I don't even have fucking Barbie doll. Yeah. Literally. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. One was short, sweet to the point. I appreciate you for sharing that. Wow.

that's rough i feel sorry for you dude i know how many nerves you have in your fucking clit dude and now she doesn't have the feeling back um i'd fight a motherfucker dude that's all we got is that little bean man that's all we got that's all we got that's the magic bean man what is that fucking fairy tale jimmy and the beanstalk okay but also how do you right what is it called

What is it called? James and the... James and the giant... No, that's James and the giant peach. James and the giant peach. Oh, what is it? You know... Jack and the fucking beanstalk, dude. Don't be... Jack clearly fucked up the beanstalk. That is terrible, dude. God.

How do you fix that? How do you? Do you probably have PTSD? I don't know. I don't know. She probably has second PTSD, bro. Like, that's rough. That's so sad. I feel really bad for her. I'm so sorry for you, whoever you are, man. That's my fucking prayers are with you. Thoughts and prayers. R.I.P. your clit. God. Yeah, that was mine. That's the one you thought was going to beat my fucking bagpipes? Yeah. No. No.

bye bye no not at all you got your other one i gotta i got two fucking hammers oh i have one next one oh one's a question okay go ahead yeah do a question more serious yeah um this is for all of us what's our view on attachment styles and have you read up on your own attachment style i read that one too i almost chose that nice nice i don't know what that is i mean i kind of know what it is i

I think I have an avoidant attachment style. You would probably have an avoidant attachment style too. You are fucking codependent and fucking very attached to people. But the problem is once they love you back, then you're... Only like two people. Well, the two that I've seen, you have fucking been a cling on with the two. Oh, I thought we were talking about just me. No, I'm talking about...

And who was the other one? There was one more. I forget. But you were like and just would not be without them. Yeah. God, who was the other one? There was one more. I can't think of it right. Oh, fuck. We'll have to get back on that one. I forget. There was another one. Yeah. Yeah.

Yep. Yep. Now all these so bad. Yeah. Oh dude. I clown him so bad. It's bad. Well, I mean he kind of ruined it for himself. Yeah. It was the water gun.

It'll fucking, it just takes one thing for a guy to do. One thing. A man can put you through fucking hell. Yep. And you literally will tolerate it, tolerate it. And then they do one like weird hand movement or like, I don't even know. Yeah. And fucking that's it. It's over with. Have you guys seen the like the list of icks, right? And the guy is like in, like he's snorkeling or something. He's like, don't snorkel. The little

toes are under the water trying to keep him afloat and I was like oh yeah I see it or the guy that was like bouncing on trampolines and his feet when he would bounce was like no no you can't do that or when they wrap their toes around a like chair rail oh I can't do it I can't do it but as far as attachment styles I do think there's truth to them I don't know enough to like preach on them though I know yeah is there a test we can take there

There is. There's a bunch of things. I feel like I've tested for everything else but that. Let's all take the test. Yeah, we'll take it. We'll get back to you on that. I'm is definitely not avoidant attachment. No, mine is touch me. Yeah, I want to touch like I attach and want to touch you and hug you and kiss you and smother you. Yeah, that's my thing. We like that. Yeah. Wow. That's what I do.

Let's listen to a voicemail. It's only one minute long. Thank God. I made sure to tell everyone one minute. Short and sweet. Short and sweet, baby. Yes, I just wanted to call in and tell a story that happened to me and my wife the other day. It was the other morning, actually. So, we got a new puppy. The puppy, it puked in the bed. And then my wife cleaned it up in the middle of the night, which is great and fine. Well, then the next morning...

We made very passionate love. It was great and amazing. And then after we were done, I went and got us a towel to clean everything up, which I didn't know what my wife used to clean the puke up with. So I just grabbed the first towel I saw and went back. There's my wife still just sitting there in her birthday suit. And then so like she's cleaning herself up and all that kind of good stuff. And then I saw like little like pieces and like chunks coming out and then it clicked.

she's using the towel that we clean the puke up with so now she's got puke on her from the dog and she's like where'd you get that towel I was like I got it in the bathroom and then she clicked to her and then I was like yeah I think you need to go get a shower now that's it thank you that's fucking hilarious I love him whoever that is I love him he's awesome he said that's it thank you he said the chunks

I would throw up. You guys, that is so disgusting. I would throw up. Yeah. Not puppy puke. Oh, puppy puke's the worst. That was a good one. That was a good story. That was really good. It was really good. I actually had a situation where one time I was like, you know, like,

When you're laying in bed and fucking all, you know, you're waking up and you're discombobulated or whatever. I was so drunk the night before and I woke up and I was so parched. Like I just needed water terribly. Right. So I reached next and get a water bottle and fucking, this is before I was doing the crack thing and I go on, I drink. And when I swallow, I feel like a big ass, just slimy something go down my throat. And when I did it, my ex was like,

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's the fucking bottle that I spit a loogie in last night. Yeah. It was just terrible. Imagine how I felt, bitches. It was fucking rough. I'm going to throw up. Yeah, it was bad. It tasted like I swallowed an oyster. It was so bad. That was the worst story ever. Yeah, I just had to share. Just had to share.

Yeah. I've got more where that came from. Let's end it. We're done. Guys, I'm done. We'll see you guys next week. Bye.