Ask, Tell, Confess: The Dudes Write In
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Welcome to another episode of AskTale Confesh. That was awful. That was the worst intro yet. Alright. Should we do it again? Yeah. Alright. Ready? One, two, three. Hello. Hello. Welcome back. Okay. What are we doing here? I'm done. Welcome back to another episode of Tell Confesh. Sup, dogs?

I feel like it's been forever since we've seen each other. It's been a while. Come here often? How's everybody doing? I want to just get home and see my fucking cow. I thought you were going to say your dog. My dog is right here. How are they doing in the cold?

They're doing amazing. Yeah, they're thriving, huh? We have a barn. Oh, I didn't know. Yeah, we have a fucking barn for them. They will not go in the barn. Really? No. They love being outside. The donkey did shiver a little bit today, which was the first time he shivered, so we gave him more hay. Did you put a blanket on him? We can't get near him to put a fucking blanket on him. Would you like to help us? We can go to my house after this and you can help wrangle him. Yeah. Because he is a buck.

I'm not going in that pen with these fucking shoes on. I got to change my shoes. I'm not going with these on. Yeah. I think I'm an animal. But yeah, how's Pablo? Pablo Escobar is doing great. He's thriving. Dude, the video you sent me the other day of him. Haley, did she send it to you? No, I just sent it to you. He's like this. He's like...

Literally. Mean cowboy. He literally, if you open the door this much too far, he goes...

He's great. He's great. I come and do that out now. No, he's so good. He has the best personality. He broke my chicken coop. Oh, no. So if you put little things that they can scratch themselves on, they get really excited. So have Blake install some ends of brooms because he loves our broom. And I let him out to free roam the property. And he found the chicken coop and realized he could itch himself, tore the whole roof off. Oh, shit.

He's just a fucking bull in a china shop. He literally is. Someone was like, is that a fucking buffalo? I was like, no. So we're fencing in a really big side of our acreage for them. And by next week, they'll be over there. So they're going to move over there.

How are you going to move him? We're going to just walk him straight over there. S'more is easy. He's so attached to Crunch that wherever Crunch goes, he'll go. Crunch has a little buck in his bronc, but he's really sweet. He really is. So he'll move easy. Now the donkey, that's another fucking, we'll have to prance his ass over there. Have you tried with treats? With the donkey? Oh, he don't give a fuck. Fun fact. Really?

Give him graham crackers and it's like fucking quack. That's what everyone said, something about animal crackers. We give him mini wheats. Yeah, we gave them... We have these graham crackers when we have to put them in his run at night. Yeah. And last night, we got out a little too late. We try to do it before sundown because he gets really emotional, so...

Jason was like, fuck, we got home late. So he like runs out and he gets the graham crackers. Well, he heard the package and he started chasing Jason. Jason said, I got a little scared. Jason's running to the pin and here comes fucking Bob Lopat. I need this on video. I gotta check my security camera. It might be on there. Dude. Oh my God. Put that on TikTok. I bet that's fucking hilarious. Jason is terrified.

Because he's big. He's not like Crunch. He's like double the size of Crunch. He literally opens the packages and starts throwing crackers at you. It's great. Get your dollars up with Dollar Up on DraftKings Casino. Hit the reels for a modern take on old school styled slots. New players can play five bucks to get a spin on the mystery wheel for a shot at up to 1,000 in casino credits. Download the app and sign up with code BUNNY. B-U-N-N-I-E.

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Not sure which one to do because I got some real good ones. Good doozy. My friend was sleeping over at my house. My parents and brother were all sleeping upstairs while we were downstairs watching TV, playing video games and shit. At around 1 a.m., he asks if this girl can come over. He really wants to get with this girl, and I don't want to turn him down, so I reluctantly agree on the condition that she's quiet.

The three of us are hanging out and I make some excuse to leave the room so my friend can have some alone time with this girl. I'm upstairs in my room when I start hearing loud moans. This is bad news for me, but great news for my friend. He's losing his virginity to a girl he really likes. I hear stirring in the next room and I know that

Their bout of loud lovemaking has woken my parents. The last thing I want is for my confused father to walk in on my friend fucking this girl in our basement. What do I do? I go straight to Pornhub, click on the first video I see, crank that shit up to 100 on my speakers, and let it play for the three minutes that my buddy ended up lasting.

What a G though that you would do that for your homie. I wouldn't. I wouldn't have done that.

What a homie though. Like if I had a friend who did that for me, like we'd be homies for life. Literally. You wouldn't do that for your homie? No. What kind of friend are you? I mean, we've already, we already know Haley's not wired like that. No. I got to deal with the awkwardness. She's not. Yeah. She's not going to let me listen.

She's showed you porns of herself. She turns on, no, when she goes to like twiddle the twack in the hotel rooms, she has the sink on, the shower on. She's probably got like some type of music going. No, Haley's whole fricking whack off hour. All right, guys, remember grandma. Is crazy. Okay. Well, like grandma's never whacked off.

before. I know your grandma has twiddled the twacker at least a couple times. Literally, it takes Haley forever to find a porn and it has to be 80s vintage porn and fucking, she literally has to have the shower on. You'll get here a couple toilet flushes. Oh, it's an experience. Yeah, like she's away at the spa. Oh, yeah. That's a good way to put it. She's away at the spa. Nice.

All right. What you got for us? All right. This lady said...

She said to keep my name anonymous. But I work in a casino and I remember one time there was this guy who had been sitting at a machine for so long he just couldn't hold it in anymore. I ran out of the corner right in time to see him stand up and immediately pull his wang out to pinch it shut and start bolting for the restroom a ways away. The pressure in his bladder must have been too much because it didn't stop the piss.

In fact, the pinch just made it for smaller escape for said piss, giving it a lot more trajectory as he was sprinting toward the bathroom, pissing 10 plus feet in front of him, swaying side to side from the sprint. He must have gotten at least 20 to 30 machines and as many casino guests. It was insane. I don't know how I was so lucky to not have gotten pissed on. It's like when you put your finger over a water bottle. Well, he was probably like,

drunk or on drugs too and just zoned out on the... Why have we not seen that in Vegas? I'd love to see that. No, you wouldn't. You want somebody pissing on you? You'll freak out. I see. Not get pissed on. I got pissed on. You'll see some weird shit. At the CMAO Fest. You got pissed on? Yeah. I was in a crowd of people and this dude just...

opened his pants and he was this frat boy in a polo and he had all his old buddies with him and me and this he actually peed down the girl's leg that was next to me and was splashing off of her i try to physically fight the man one of his little friends like just kind of engulfed him into the crowd and he was gone before you know it yeah i remember this maybe he told me that

I would fucking find that dude. That's disgusting. That is the worst thing you could... Don't piss on people. Don't piss on people. Yeah. It's not okay. Nobody likes a little fucking pissy party at all. I don't. No. I don't like it. It's disgusting. Keep your fucking bodily fluids to your fucking self. Shit pisses me off. If I don't want your bodily fluids on me, don't do it. I'll freak out. Oh, yeah. I will freak out. Okay? Okay.

fucking makes like he's concerned he's concerned he's like what are we doing what just happened what is going on he's like mom he's looking me in my eyes we all right yeah you're right crunchy oh don't you start that here we go hi crunchy

I'm looking up. He's because he's mad. I forgot to tell you guys. So did I tell you S'more? Chachi had his face pressed against the gate like this, looking at the cows when I was talking to him. And S'more went down and was like, looked at him and then like went up to like just kind of like sniff him a little bit. And Chachi was like, wow. And just like bit and S'more was like, damn, homie. Like it was so funny, though. He just he don't like him. I don't know. I'm gonna have to bring him in there to just. Oh, God.

- The dude can't bite. - Let's do it today. - The dude can't bite anybody. He's got an underbite. - What was that? - He's got an underbite. Like that's not happening. There's no way that it's happening. - Aww. - Can we just talk about something off the record really quick? How about all the people who thought that TikTok was going away and fucking confessed like real shit. - Yeah.

I'm obsessed with these. Like what in the hell? Like, but they confess like real shit. Like how did you not think that TikTok was not coming back? I'm blown away. At least ours was a joke. I mean, some people took it serious. I don't know. There was a lot of gay. I'm telling you, dude. I'm crying right now. Um,

No, I went on like a wormhole and someone made a whole collage of confesses and who they were and what the confession was. People have too much time. The fitness people confessing they had BBLs?

What? There's a couple of that. I didn't make it on that side of TikTok. Yeah, I'm definitely not on TikTok. Why do people have to confess they have a BBL? Like, just fucking be honest from the gate, you know? Literally. So weird to me. People who, like, keep secrets like that, I don't ever want to be friends with. That's fucking weird. If you present yourself to the world as, like...

Even like if you're like a fitness trainer and you really have a BBL, go fuck yourself. Like you're, it's false advertising. Exactly. I really feel like that's false advertising. That's why I'm so honest with everybody. I'm like, yes, I've had work done. It was fucking almost a decade ago now, you know?

did it help absolutely did i do i have to keep it up every fucking week yes but at least people can decide for themselves if they want to fucking listen to me or not you know exactly you're not hiding it it's not misleading but you know what about the people who like were advertising like shit to be sold and they're like i know i didn't really use these yeah it's just crazy one of my favorite content creators she makes like those like cool ice

like things and ice molds and they're so pretty and whatever. She was like, I never even ate any of the ice or use any of the ice. And I was like, what? She just throws the ice away? Yeah. Like it's like this big of a stack of like ice molds and they're all like fancy and stuff. It's like never, I never had any of the ice. I was like. And that's like what her whole thing is. Her whole stick of ice. Like what do you do now? She had all her ice molds and it was like, hey. Ugh.

That's a good one. That's a great one. That does suck. But it does give the transparency of how unreal social media is. And I feel like that was a rude awakening a lot of people need to realize. Did y'all not think like it was like yeah coming back like we're gonna still see that video. It's crazy. And I feel another thing is like everybody was ganging up on what's her face? Mikaela Nguera. And I never know how to pronounce her last name but I get like

I get, like, them being frustrated with her for the past couple of weeks because she's been doing the sad fishing thing. Like, even for me, I'm, like, I'm totally empathic to people, and I'm like, fuck, man, they're going through a hard time. But it was almost...

In genuine because it was like she was just she saw that she got so much attention from it. So it was like every other video started to become that. And it was like you have to really kind of pick and choose when you're you could be sad a couple of times, but you can't like the Internet does not give any context. Right. Not give any context, but also the Internet will let you be sad once or twice. And then after that, they're going to be like, what the fuck is wrong with this chick? You know, that's how it turned was like it turned supportive to me.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. You know, it's because she's not telling people like what's going on. It's like, I hate when people do that too. People ask for prayers on Facebook. Yeah. It's like, say what you're, you're fucking asking for. You don't have to tell the whole story, but just be like, Hey man, this is what's going on. And I just, I'm, I'm needing help. When you do that. Also, you open up a ginormous window of assumptions of people.

Speculation. The amount of people who are like saying, oh, she's not wearing her wedding rings. But then like now she goes on a date with her husband. Like, why did you just all of a sudden stop wearing your wedding rings during this whole process? But then it's like, oh, but here's a date with my husband. Yeah. I don't agree with the tactics she uses. I think she tries to...

I think she tries to create narratives for herself, but it just comes off the wrong way. Do you think it's more of like, do you think like a PR team kind of thing? I don't think she has any fucking PR. Really? No, I don't think she has any PR. I mean, we could look it up. I'm sure my publicist could find out if she has PR. Give it a go. I don't know. I don't, I don't think she has any PR. I think she's just, um, you know, old school, like just YouTube tactics, you know?

I don't understand why she gets all the hate she gets, though. Yeah. You know, like it's never made sense to me. I think because a lot of people don't buy it. They thought her because she doesn't connect. Yeah. And they found old videos of when she didn't have that much of a forced accent. But I see nothing.

Yeah. Yeah. No, that would use the video she made today, or I guess it would have been right before the compilation. And there was a couple in there where she did not have that same accent. Yeah. And it is. I don't know. I mean, I think she has the accent, but it's like with New Yorkers, you can turn it on and off. It's like with Bailey.

Literally. It's like with Bailey. She has a southern accent, but boy, you put her in front of a cute boy and it's blah, blah,

you know like literally you know but so i think i think anybody with an accent can turn it on or off and exaggerate it my husband can do it too jay can do it too and he jay is a very southern and how he talks always but i mean like if he drinks or he gets excited about something man it is fucking honky tonk cornbread comes out literally no no okay cool

No. Why would you think you have an accent? I don't know. Do people from your area have accents?

No, it's Midwest. I feel like there's no accent in the Midwest. No, I don't think so. There's certain words in the Midwest that have a little bit of an accent. I feel like the West Coast is the most proper speaking when... Or like Valley Girls. Yeah, there's a lot of likes and ums and like hellas and dudes and bros. Yeah, those kind of things. For sure. For sure. For sure. I feel like... I think I looked at that one time. I feel like because...

In that area, you have so much TV and stuff and you can't have accents on TV. They've talked about how over the years, the whole West Coast doesn't have an accent while the rest of America and different dialects and shit does.

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Anyways, I just thought that was funny. All these people making these fucking goodbyes. The big drama show. I told everybody. I was like, we're not going anywhere. There's no way the world is going to lose out. We got gassed by TikTok. I think they switched servers.

I think it is now an American owned company and they're not going to tell you because they know that people will leave TikTok or have meltdowns and it'll be a shit show. So I think they had to shut down for 12 hours to switch over to American servers. I feel like my conspiracy theory I've heard was that they wanted to like give Trump recognition for bringing it back. That's why the message had his name in it and stuff was like we could get the younger generation back on his side. Yes, that's what I've seen.

I don't know about all that. I think everything's a fucking just a play and we're the stars. Literally, I think everything is just a... I think the government is a sham. Smoking mirrors. Smoking mirrors, baby. There's always a fucking bigger, badder person. The president is just a puppet for what the really higher ups want. The amount of people that don't understand how the government works, you can tell, did not pay attention in history class because they were like...

This is all because of one person. And I'm like, what? Do you know how many levels it takes to even get to this person? And then once it's past that person, how many levels it takes? I was like, brothers, that's why we say government, not just one singular person. There's so many people that control this stuff. Yeah, for sure. Not to get political. Let's get off the. Hold on. I got a I got a voicemail. All right, let's go. Let's get back to having fun.

I got one for you, all right? Listen here, listen here. Ready? Your sister's ass. Your sister's ass. I love it. Was that one of our friends? It was Brayden. Oh, was it Brayden? That's hilarious. He said, hey, how you doing? How you doing? How you doing? All right, this one.

Hurry up because I got a really good story I could tell. Hold on. What is up with all the dudes? We've had nothing but dudes. This is the first time we've had dudes coming in hot. I love it. One of them, recap, she was like, my husband watches Ask, Tell, Confess with me every week and he had one I want to send in. I love that. I'm like, dude, these couples are like bonding over these. At the bar, I had more guys come up than girls. I love that. Isn't that crazy? Weird. All right, go.

So, quick story, when I was 15, went over to my girlfriend's house, and I just love the act of just, you know, when they go to shower, they're nice and clean, you lean them over to the bedside, you full goose lick them ass all the way up, you know what I mean, all the way down. And anyhow, I did this, again, this one time she gets out, I lean her over, full goose, full lick, I lick up shit, literally just fucking gacking out shit on my tongue. It's a scene, it's embarrassing, and again, it happens when I'm 20. This is five years now later. Boom, full goose lick, ate up shit.

I love how quick the dudes are though. They get straight to the point. I was looking at us, licked up doo-doo. Can we talk about the fact that he did it twice? No, but five years later. Five years later, no. He said, we need loofahs.

So he's just out here licking asses. He's just an ass licker. He said full gooch lick. He's asking for it. I mean, I feel like that was getting your hand bit by, you know, feeding the dog kind of situation. I want to know how many times he's had pink eye. Oh. Good question, right? Good question. Thanks, you owe me a blowjob.

I'm surprised you fucking weirdos aren't holding hands. Do you guys want to hear this hilarious story or should I save it for next week? Strong and go. All right. It's kind of long. You guys ready? Give me the long one. We're holding on. Here we go. I was once at a friend's house, took a shit in the toilet, clogging it like I have never clogged a toilet before. It was like trying to stuff two Idaho potatoes into a Gatorade bottle. Not going to happen.

Then I still had to shit big time. I frantically tried to plunge the turd down the toilet to no avail. So I peeked my head out of the bathroom and yelled that I was going to shower real quick. I leave the two turds in the toilet, hoping that they will become waterlogged and squishy enough to get plunged. I hop in the shower and take another shit that I couldn't hold in. Yes, I shit on the floor of the tub. What came next was one of the most horrifying, unusual, and yet strangely satisfying experiences of my life.

I was scared to death about what to do since there was no way I could put this thing into the toilet and try to flush it down. By the way, it smelled way worse than when you shit into a toilet bowl. I guess being submerged takes that smell away. So I couldn't wrap it in a towel or anything. I was freaked out big time. There happened to be a wire coat hanger on the towel rack. So I took that and I began slicing up my turd on the floor of the shower into little pieces, bite-sized you could say, and then shoving them down the drain of the shower one by one.

Occasionally the water would back up a little bit so I'd have to push the hanger down the drain to clear things up. For those that have never manhandled a turd, the consistency is bizarre. It's sort of grainy like girls exfoliating soaps but it's also random firm pieces in the turd itself. Sort of like when you make brownies from the box and you get a lump of brownie mix that isn't meshed with the wet ingredients.

After that was done, the toilet situation was still unresolved. So there I was, kneeled over my friend's toilet with a coat hanger, ham-fisting my turbs back into the shower, slicing them into more manageable pieces so they could go down the drain.

I thought you were going to say he waffle stomped them. By the end of the third turd, I was a master. I could slice it up like one of those Asian chefs. The poo chef all over you. Then I scrubbed my hands and the tub with antibacterial soap like never before. After all that, I pissed in the sink because at that point, why the fuck not? You just had to get the icing on the cake. You pissed in the sink? Just every hole in there had to get something. Just every fucking hole. I don't know.

I was not. I feel like this was the beginning of the poo chef. They need to meet. Who's the poo chef? Remember the poo chef? The knife? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The turd trotter. Cut it up. Yep. Had to cut it up every time. They're cousins. Same person, different font. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if they know each other. What's up with all the dudes writing in, though? I love it. That was a guy? Yeah, I think. I mean, I could not hear a woman talking like that. I know how we talk.

I mean, but we're not, you know, we're kind of manly. I love the fact that like the dynamic of this show has shifted. Literally. And the men are like, wait, I want to be a part of this. Yeah. Men are like, you know what? We let ladies, we let you have your moment. These next two are for us. Oh, I love it. I love it. You guys write in call. We love it. Thank you guys for loving us and doing Ask Talk and Fest with us every week and just giving us things to laugh about. It's fucking hilarious.

All right, you little fucking kinky. Yep. Love you guys. See you next week. Bye.