Combat Barbie: Female Marine calls out the Military
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Dude, that is fucking iconic. What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? Welcome to another episode of Dumb Vlod.

Today, my lady boner is standing at salute right now. I've got one of the hottest, you're a Sarge, right? Yep, Sarge and Marines. One of the hottest Sarges sitting on the dumb blonde couch right now. Combat Barbie, aka, is it Rihanna or Rihanna? Either or, it's supposed to be Rihanna, but I'm white, so I'm like Rihanna. Listen, my name's Alyssa, so I hate, people are like, Allison, Alicia, and I'm like, no, I just got to the point where I don't even correct people anymore. What?

What's up, baby? How are you? Hi, I'm great. I can't even talk right now. I'm so nervous. I'm so excited, honestly. I've been trying to do this for, what, two? Dude, since 2019, we've been trying to get together, but you're hard to tie down, lady. Oh, I am. Sorry. No, it's good. What's been going on so far? Oh, God. Where do we start? Right? Well, let me look into my interview I wrote out in 2019 and get some notes right here. Okay.

You were doing traveling back then, actually. And you just made a recent move, right? From Vegas. Where are you at now? North Carolina. Good old Fayetteville. I actually. I'm allowed to cuss on you? Yeah, of course. This is my. Yes, this is my show. We encourage cussing. Fayette-nom is where I live now. But what was what was about North Carolina that fucking was like, I got to move here. So Vegas. God, I haven't told anybody. This is the first I've told anybody in the world besides you. You know, yeah.

I was really bad on drugs and porn and everything in Vegas. It goes hand in hand there. So I needed to get somewhere so far away from any of that. You know, like weed's illegal in North Carolina. So I was like, I need to go where I can't even get access to it. In Vegas, my drug dealer lived across the street from me. So I was like, I need to get so far away from the industry, the people, everyone there sucks. I mean, you're from there, you know. Everyone's...

out for themselves and just shitty fucking people and so i was like what's so far away so different the south and i was like okay why north carolina well i met a stupid army guy there that didn't work out that's why he's fucking stupid but i feel like army relationships are so fleeting i feel like the dudes in the army are like hard to deal with yeah but they're fucking hot i

yeah at least you like your own kind though we're gonna touch base on Vegas a little bit later but I wanted to let people get to know you a little bit I was doing some research on you and you did what seven tours or seven years seven years in the Marine Corps yeah yeah tell us about that okay so I'm trying to get emotional I'm very proud of everything I've done um join the 18th let it all out oh god I said don't cry I

till later. Crying is good. Listen, we this is a safe space here. We encourage all fucking emotions here. All right. Well, you're about to get them all. I joined at 18. I wanted to get so far from my hometown. You know, come from nothing. Should I talk about my. Yeah, we could talk about. Let's talk. Where'd you grow up? And then we'll get into that. Yeah, because I'm like, that's a whole

Yeah, okay. Let's start from the beginning and then we'll just fucking go from there. Awesome. Thanks. So I grew up in a small town. It's Kerman, California, the very middle of California. So all farms. And actually, it's funny. The only thing I'm proud about that area is that 70% of America's food comes from the Central Valley in California. So it's literally just farms and that's it. So one stoplight town. I graduated with like 90 people.

But my whole family like lives and dies on that farm and people are like, oh, you're from a farm and they think, oh, cutesy. But no, we were fucking broke, like dirt broke. The only thing we made was raisins. And, you know, the company's son made. Yeah. They would buy raisins and send us a check back. But that's only like 40,000 a year. And, you know, 10,000 of that goes into the tractors. Oh, yeah. Running a farm. Dude, it's a lot. Yeah.

We didn't realize that until I started doing these episodes on my Patreon called Working Girl. Oh, yeah. I saw that. How cute. I went and worked on a farm and I was like, how do these bitches do this? Yeah.

I was like, hey, this city girl is not made out for this. No, it sucks, man. And my whole family, like five generations, half of them are from Sicily, Italy. The other half are straight from Mexico. So like half my family is illegal and half of them are freaking... Cartel people. Yeah. She said illegal and cartel. Let's save that for later. Yeah, gotcha. But seriously, so...

Super broke, like had nothing. And then my parents decided, oh, let's just start doing fucking drugs. So they were like on meth like my entire childhood. So not only like we were working our ass off in the fields, my grandpa was a hard ass. One row of raisins. We had 40 acres. One row would take 10 hours. And every day after school, I don't give a fuck. You're going to do this row. Pick the entire row before you go to sleep. So we didn't have weekends or summer vacations. It was just...

Work, work, work. And then I looked around and I was like, I don't want to be any part of this anymore. And we were broke, broke. Like we had to choose between keeping the water on or electricity on sometimes. And so sometimes it was both of them are off and like. Isn't it crazy when as a child that you can be so in tune and know that, hey, everybody around me is people I don't want to be like. Exactly. That's exactly how I was as a child. And I ended up leaving home at 14 and never went back. Damn, that's young. Yeah, I wish I could, but I tried so many times to get away, but I've.

just come right back. Cause there's no, no way. It's hard. You don't know what to do. Yeah. I got a, I got a boyfriend like at 15. I would spend most of my time in his house. Just stood away from like the craziness and my parents and like, but I remember, um, we were starving. My mom refused to get on welfare cause she's conservative Republican. Doesn't want to live off the government, but we're, but she'll do meth. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like, dude,

so she wanted to be on welfare, but we were starving. So I remember, uh, going to Vons, which is like, I'd ride my bike all the way to Vons, which is fricking miles down the road, which is our like,

kroger or whatever yeah i'm from the west coast so i know all these stars yeah um i actually loved bonds actually bonds was like more expensive than like albertsons and smiths for us yeah but it was the only thing like closest to our house i was like fucking bonds yeah and i don't know if their cameras didn't work or what but i'd be shoplifting every other day there i would fill my whole backpack up with like pop tarts doritos for me and my sisters to eat food

And then I got arrested for that. And then, you know, it's just crazy looking back at everything. And we had no clothes at all for school. I'd wear the same shirt. I'd turn inside out. And so there was like a Macy's down there and I'd ride my bike to Macy's. And what I would do is I'd go in the dressing room and I would just take a bunch of things to try on and layer them and then put my jacket on and take off running. And that was me and my sister's clothes for school. Like it was it was fucking bad. So but it all, you know.

made me who I am and you seem like you're close to your parents now how's that relationship yeah so they just got sober about three years ago thank god yeah so and you know it's like at first I was so mad my entire Marine Corps career because I joined to get the fuck out of there and then I held such a grudge but I'm like you know holding a grudge does me no good and forgiveness is oh my god it's yeah it's so it there you can't put a price tag on peace yes exactly that's what I tell everybody because I mean we could all sit here and be pissed off at our parents but

honestly, our parents weren't raised in a generation where they were taught how to take care of their emotional trauma and the damage that was done to them. So they inflicted it on us. And I feel like the generational curses stop with us. I feel like we're so strong and we have so much knowledge now that we're like, fuck no, we're not going to be like our parents. We're going to completely change this around. Um,

It's crazy you say that, though, because me and my brother were just talking about that, like how everyone we know, all of their parents were in that shitty era. Yeah, and now our generation is the one that's got our shit together because we refuse to live like that. Well, you can either do one of two things. You can be just like them or you can not be like them at all. And I think the strong ones, not saying the ones that caved in are weak, but we just want a different, you know. So how old were you when you enlisted in the Army? Eighteen.

so the army or the marines marine corps yeah that's the thing that's a pet peeve for marines we're like right yeah no i want to say the right thing because they'll come after me they can't they've come after me online before no well let me know and i'll fucking come after them yeah that's what made you want to uh get into the marines over like any other like the army the navy and fucking whatever else they have um so yeah i just graduated high school and first off i'm the only one in my fucking family to graduate high school i'm

and not have kids at 15. Everyone has kids. Thank you. So I was like, I graduated. I'm the first to do that. So I'm going to be the first to join the military. So I had nowhere else to go, nothing to do, but I was like, I want to get the fuck out of here and I want to make a difference.

so i rode my bike to the recruiting station i'm always on my freaking little mountain bike you are in shape motherfucker i can't even ride a bike around the block right now and i work out all the time riding a bike as a kid you can ride a bike and it's like nothing you get on a bike fucking after 25 and you're like how the fuck did i do this every day all day yeah like instantly winded i tried the other day i was like yeah i can't even walk to the mailbox i'm out of breath but right um

Yeah, and then I walked up to the recruiting station and my hometown they're all in a row the army the Navy Marine Corps and the Air Force and they all have glass windows you could like look in all of them and then when you're in there you can look out so I walked in and I was like I'm gonna join the Air Force because you know who want who doesn't want to you know, it's cool and be a girl airplanes and shit Yeah, so I was sitting there in the Air Force recruiters chair and he was like having me sign right away He's like, yeah, let's go. Let's do it. You got a high GPA all this stuff, whatever and

And then I look past the window and I see out the window there's a Marine walk by in his dress blues. And I was like, oh shit. Just like frozen there. Not because I thought he was hot or anything, but because of like. His presence. Yeah, he's put together. He's got his shit together. I'm like, there's something about the Marine Corps uniform. It gives me chills talking about it. I was like, I remember that day. Yeah, and so I walked out and I was like, oh fuck. I'll be right back. And he's like, no, don't go.

don't go because he knew so I walked out I chased the Marine I walk up to him like hey how do I become a Marine and he looked at me he's like you want to become a Marine and he kind of laughed and I was thinking the same thing he was I'm like yeah I want to become a Marine come on and he's like I don't think you can I'm like I want to and I walked in them and he's like okay follow me I walked in the office and

and all the posters and everything on the wall, I was like shaking, scared, and it intimidated me. That's why I wanted to join the Marine Corps because I didn't think I could. Nobody else thought I could, but I wanted to give it a shot so the rest of my life I wouldn't say like, what if? You know, if I failed, I could just join another branch. But I was like, it scares the fuck out of me, and that's why I want to do it. Yeah, if your dreams don't scare you, you're not dreaming big enough. Exactly. Exactly. So and then I didn't care what I did. I knew nothing about the Marine Corps, the ranks, the nothing.

But I was like, sign me up. And he's like, what do you want? I was like, well, I don't want to be fighting and killing people, but I want to be helping the ones that do. So I want a desk job. And he's like, okay, easy enough. So he made me a supply chief. So bullets, beans, band-aids, boots. That was...

that was my so your first fr like okay tell me when did you take off like how are you feeling i took off a week later than that like wow so they just like were like you're gone and i had nothing i had nothing in my name nothing to lose nothing i was like let's just do it i've only only something to gain so um what did your family say whenever you went home and we're like i'm going to the marines

My mom cried and my dad, my stepdad laughed at me. And he was really abusive at the time. You know, you know, meth makes people. Yeah, of course. Was he always abusive to you? Always. And he was my stepdad since I was seven. Yeah. And he was physical. Oh, yeah. Not sexual. Thank God. But every other way you can imagine, like abuse is abuse. You don't minimize it. Emotional abuse is is worse than physical abuse. I feel. And I've had both. So, yeah, it's really hard to get over that.

He would just... So I'm half Mexican and he's full white, so he would...

You know, be like, get in the kitchen and do the dishes. You spick and like you've been there. And then he was when I'm doing the dishes, he would stand next to me and be like, don't you hate that your eyes are brown? The whole world has brown eyes. You're not special. And I want to cry right now. He's like, don't you hate that your hair is black? My real hair color is black. Me too. I'm Brazilian. I'm Brazilian and white trash. So, yeah, I get it. Yeah. But he would whisper that in my ear like, don't you hate your hair is black? You're not fucking special. You're not pretty. Does your mom know? She just let him because if she said anything like leave him alone, he'd start beating her ass. So he would she would just.

Let him. And, you know, drugs and shit. Yeah. So I was mad at her my whole life for that. Like, how could you let a man do that to your children? But I had an abusive stepmom. So I get it. Yeah. I left home because of the abuse. Wow. Yeah. It's different whenever it's especially, especially can't talk.

When you're a child, you want to be able to love and trust your parents and you want their approval so bad. Even if they're not, if they're a parental figure, they don't even have to be blood, you know? So to have a step parent that doesn't even, that isn't even related to you, tell you these things about yourself has got to be just so heartbreaking. Yeah. I never got told. That's why I love Marilyn Monroe. Everyone thinks it's so cliche, but she said, I was never told I was pretty growing up and every child should be told they're pretty.

So it made me into this I am now and the approval of the world because I never got it from... It's crazy. As an adult, everything we look for, all our actions are based off of what we didn't get as a kid. As a child, yeah. I never got that good job or you're pretty or you're worth something. I'm going to cry right now. Sorry. No, it's okay. It's okay to cry. They say that when you cry, dude, it's just a release. And it's like...

I don't know. I fucking wish I could cry more. I went the opposite way. I'm like a fucking cold, stone cold killer. And fucking when I can cry, it's like fucking Niagara Falls, dude. And it's like ugly cry. Like Kim K ugly cry. I'm trying to fuck my makeup up. If you weren't so far away and we didn't have these microphones in front of you, I would stand up and hug you. Oh, thank you. I hate that for you. I totally, you know, it's when you meet,

kindred spirits you can just see their inner child you know and that's why you are the way you are though that's why you're so very positive and upbeat and stuff like that because as a child you were tore down so much oh yeah but I think it's beautiful that you've turned that around and you didn't become a victim yeah that's why I don't let's when I told myself before I walked in here I'm like don't talk about the sad but you know it's part of my story it made me strong but I also my whole life I'm like it's made me I don't know if I have like a

not a god complex because I don't think I'm a narcissist but like um an alpha chip on my shoulder because I have I had to be strong so I'm like I don't want to be weak I don't want to be the victim but sometimes you know it gets me into situations where I'm like it's pushed people away that I love I've been married three fucking times in military dudes but I was like we'll get into that too yeah I've been married three times too oh what yeah nice it's because we're looking for love and all the

wrong places you know it's just like you said as a child so let's get back on track to you telling your mom that you're leaving for the marines she cried my dad didn't believe in you no he said where's your real dad oh um we don't know so i do okay so he's straight from mexico michigan mexico which is like cartel center you know yeah um so he's in and out of my life the whole time my mom got with him she told me i wanted to be with the bad boy and

So she's like, I love him. And I asked my dad, he'll call me every now and then I'll ask him like, you know, have you talked to mom? He's like, you know, every now and then I'll always love her, but we can't be together. My mom tells me the same thing. I'll always love him, but we can't be together. Yeah. So he's still out there doing his thing. Right. But,

Yeah, I can't really say much about that. But he loves me. He called me when I got the cover of Playboy and he was like, baby, is it true what your mom said? And I was like, yeah. And he's like, and you weren't even naked. And I wasn't naked on purpose because I just got them required stickers on my nipples. But props to the girls that are, or that do. And he's like, you know what? I'm fucking proud of you. And my real dad told him, I'm like,

Okay okay That's all that we search for So you left a week later Yes well I wanted to say I know I'm bouncing around I talk a lot My stepdad laughed and then he spit a loogie Went and spit it right in my face He always does that and he said see you in a week when you fail Bitch

So the whole time I was in boot camp. What is wrong with that guy? That gave me goosebumps. He's just a piece of shit. He doesn't want women. He wants power. He wants every, you know, and I have two sisters. So it's like us four girls, us three girls, my mom, he just would like to tear down and make himself feel like something. Yeah. But yeah. And I was like, okay. And I wiped it off. And I just, I never showed reaction. I learned don't show reaction. I'm a fucker. The minute you do. Oh yeah. They own you. React and they own you. Yeah. He would like smile. And so I didn't show him anything. I'm like, all right.

I just walked away and grabbed my bag and never looked back. And yeah, didn't go back home for years. I think it was like four or five years. I was like, no, I'm not going to go home. Okay. So what was that like? What did you do? You got on a bus? Yeah. Well, walk us through. I rode my bike again with my backpack to the recruiting station. And I walked in there and he's like, you're early. I'm like, yeah, I need to go. I need to go now. And he's like, all right, I'll drive you to Sacramento, which is like the MEPs.

What does it even stand for? Military Examination Process System? I don't know, but it's where they get you ready to be shipped off. So he drove me to Sacramento from my hometown, which was like two and a half hours, and a nice Cadillac, too, in his uniform. And he was so awesome. He told me, he's like, you can have a Cadillac one day. You can be me. You can do this. Don't let anybody...

tell you otherwise. And I was like, okay, thank you. And he's like, you can fucking do it. Like, he just kept giving me pep talks. We get there. You needed that too in that time. Oh, yeah. I had nobody, like, to tell me, you know. Go girl. Yeah. The Marines did that for me. And I was like, wow, okay. Like, you actually...

So I get there and they make you strip down butt naked and do the craziest tests and maps. Like what is it? What do you got to do? You do the duck walk naked. Like why? Like, you know what I'm saying? In front of dudes or just all girls? It's all girls in one section and dudes in the other room. But I'm like, what are we doing? Like the weirdest shit. Like, and they make you describe every, every scar. And like, um, in high school I used to have, um,

Well, obviously I was really depressed. So I used to try to, you know, find outlets. I used to burn stuff onto me. Like I burned safety pins on my stomach to be like, cool. I don't know. I just did stuff to like to feel something. That's where all the emo music comes in. Yes, I was a rocker. I'm always a rocker too. I was never into the self-infliction because I'm too vain, but I fucking love me some emo.

emo music yeah that's why I always notice your music is the same taste as mine I know I'm like we're so similar yeah yeah and then I burn this one on my hand I try to burn a peace sign in my hand so the Marine Corps was like uh

what's that? And when she was like writing it down, I was like, Oh, I burned my hand on a carburetor. I don't know. I just said that because you can't, you can't say that used to hurt yourself and stuff like that. It's crazy. Is the Marines pretty tough? Like the strictest, like the strictest, the most strict, the most strict. I think strictest is a word though. Isn't it? I've always said that we don't, we don't have, but we're not the grammar Nazis here. So don't worry about it.

okay because I'm like a dumb blonde podcast you're fine we know you're not a dumb blonde and everybody on here knows I'm not a dumb blonde so we're good yay okay yeah what was I saying that you told him that you burnt this on a carburetor yeah and then like okay good oh um you can't have ever said that you broke a bone you can't ever have done one drug or drank alcohol not even once I don't know why like and he's the recruiter was like do people like that really exist I don't know but we gotta you gotta

lie to them they put you at a table under a light like interrogation like have you ever broke a bone and I was like no have you ever did drugs have you ever smoked weed have you ever drank alcohol I was like no have you ever got arrested no even though all that was wrong but

Right. I was like, they can't look back that far in my records. And that's what the recruiter was like. They can't look back. So just tell them no. And did you ever have a drug habit as a child? No. And I just just because you saw how your parents. Oh, yeah. I promised myself. I remember hiding in a closet one time. My parents were beating each other's asses and breaking everything in the house. They were just high. I hid my sisters in the closet with me and I covered their eyes.

and I was like promise me you guys will never do drugs like promise me and we would we just cried and hugged each other and they promised me and I'll never forget that but then you know life gets crazy and trauma happens yeah so but um no never did drugs but always fucking I would like chug NyQuil I would fucking um I love a good NyQuil sleep yeah

my friend had like Norcos she stole from her mom we like crushed him up and snorted him and shit so yeah has anybody ever tried to snort a fucking Lortab do you know how much powder that is I've tried it before too my thing was Xanax and fucking Lortab so I get it I tried to snort everything you could think of I used to snort Xanax too but snort snorting a fucking blue Lortab so much powder like you can't fucking snort at all Norcos were a little bit smaller but the blue ones the hydrocodones were fucking brutal

Been through some shit. But that was the only like drug I had touched as a kid, I guess. And then I obviously smoked cigarettes. Anytime I could fucking find one. But yeah, so I lied to the recruiter or the MEPS people about that. So they're listening now. Well, there's nothing they can do about it now. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure they know everybody's lying. Yeah. They have to know that. Yeah. Yeah. But they just want to see like how how bad you want to be there. What year was this? 2011. OK. Yeah. So and then.

I passed a little test somehow, some way. And then they're like, all right, we're putting you on a bus, taking you to Paris or put you on a bus, taking you to the airport and then flying you to Paris. That was the first time I've ever been on an airplane. Paris Island. Yeah. South Carolina. Oh, OK. It's actually a little island. I didn't believe it was true. I was like, there's no way there's a fucking island just for Marines there. It's literally just its own little island there on the border of South Carolina. Yeah. And at the time now it's like

they're integrated so at the time everybody lives on the west coast all dudes go to uh mcrd san diego for their training and all females no matter where you live have to go to paris island but now it's finally like if you live in the west you go to the so it's finally integrated now after all these years but yeah so first time on an airplane i was fucking nervous no one in my family's ever been on an airplane i was like well if i die now at least i got out of my hometown right

So, yeah, I get there fucking just fucking three months. So long as boot camp, too, out of all the. What was boot camp like? Brutal. You know how evil bitch. I say bitches. Women can be right. Imagine. So is it all women? There's no dudes there. Yeah. Oh, my God. Is everybody horny banging each other? No, because they give you. OK, it's. That's what I mean. That three months without dick. I'd be like, fuck this. No, it's like it.

I mean I'm married now so I'm used to it but it's nuts and it's funny because they say too that they put stuff in the food there to make you not horny and make you like they put all kinds of like shit in your food to make you see that you never poop you're always constipated I think I poop like once a week I know that's

No, that's I fucking Yeah, that's crazy That they make you Stop your period Birth control inside Of your food too Like all kinds How is that legal? It's the government They own you You're part of Government property Once you sign those papers So Wow, I never knew That they do that to you guys Yeah That is All kinds of stuff To make you Is everybody going crazy there?

there no so the stuff i don't know what's in it but it makes you very um controllable yeah you're just a zombie kind of like i'm just i don't know what the fuck they don't tell you what it is no but then too when you first get there you all stand in a line and there's people i would say at least um well it has to be even numbers so 10 people like two on each side you walk through and you just step forward one step get shots in two arms step forward get shots in two arms do they tell you what the shots are no and you're not allowed to ask um

Oh my God. My anxiety could never. Yeah. I have panic attacks and shit. There's no way. Did it make you feel weird or anything? Oh yeah. One of them was called the peanut butter shot. So they say, cause it was so thick and they shot in your ass. You had to sit on the floor and roll around on your ass. So all of us, like they make you do it for 30 minutes. Otherwise it'll make a big old mass on your ass. Who knows? Like...

Shit. There was one that they shot right in your belly button because a lot of Marines were going to Japan at the time. And, you know, they have SARS disease. Is that like COVID? SARS? SARS. I guess it like it attacks your intestines and just makes you shit yourself till you die. It's like in Asian countries. Yeah. So a lot of Marines are going to Japan. So they're like, just in case you go to Japan, they shoot it right in your belly button into your intestines.

And I'm like, dude, what? Like, so if, if there's a SARS epidemic here, I guess I'm good. I don't know. Oh my God. You poor baby. So, all right. So three months in fucking bootcamp. What was your first day? Like,

So what they do at first to see if you really want to stay there, they try to break you. So you have no sleep and no food for three days. Oh, my God. And that's you're at this point, you're delirious. You're seeing things. You're like, what? And you're just beaten down and they're running back and forth. How do they keep you up? Because they want to see who wants to stay or not. So they do a statistic. No, like how do they keep you up? Just screaming at you? Just constantly. And then come in and shaking you. They're allowed to touch you, shake you, scream in your face like, you're a fucking disgusting bitch. Like the craziest, the worst things you could ever like...

People, they would look at me because I was the skinniest one there and they're like, and I had blonde streaks still left in my hair and stuff. And they made me dye it black while I was in there. They're like, no. And they threw a box of hair dye. Dye your fucking hair. And I'm like, okay. But they would look at me and they're like, all of them would gang up me, all three drone soldiers. They're like, you're the tiniest bitch here. You think you're going to fail. We think you're going to fail. Everyone thinks you're going to fail. Your family back home thinks you're going to fail. You're going to fucking fail. And they would tell you this shit every day in your face, like spitting on you. And I'm like...

I would just be like in my head, fuck you. I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it. So after three days of no sleep and food, they have everybody. We sit at a table. We all put our heads down at this big table and they say, who wants to leave? Raise your hand. No one will judge you. So everyone. So we don't know who's raising their hand. And like 70 percent of the people left. So they did a statistic or a study. So they do let you leave after the third day. But then you're other than honorable discharge, technically. But you're allowed to go.

walk out and they're like all right we're gonna tell you this the beginning and right at the end and see who and it's crazy one out of every i think it's 40 000 people that actually go through that make it to become a marine so that's why it's the few the proud you know the right but i had nothing to lose and i was like i'm not going back to that hellhole that i'm from so i'm gonna push through no matter what like i no matter what and i've been through some shit before like

My stepdad used to fucking pull us out of bed at 3 a.m. when he was drunk and start kicking, beating us. And so I'm like, whatever. If I could do that, I could do boot camp. Right. At least you're on your own. That's how you felt. Yep. Yep. So, yeah, I looked up. Well, after we're done, a bunch of people left the room and there was only 20 of us left. We're like, is this right? Like they would then merge platoons. They had three platoons at once. Then we made a platoon of 60. It's all the people left over after everyone decided to leave. So there's 60 of us. And at the end, there was 40 of us. So it's like it's.

it's, you know, it's crazy, but, um, three months to hell. So, so you stayed in there for seven years. Does it get easier? Oh, so this is the thing. Once you're in that title, you're not treated, you're not cussed at. They can't cuss at you or spit on you or treat you like shit. Tell you what to guys treat you like shit, but you're, you're an adult. You're a Marine at that point. Once you get the title, um,

But it's different. Right before we graduated, my drill sergeants, I'll never forget, they sat us down. And at this point, we're Marines, so they're talking to us like humans. And we started crying because we're like, they're actually talking to us like we are fucking a person. I want to cry for you guys. God, that's fucking emotional. Yeah, but they're female Marines. And she's like, they would tell us only 5% of the Marine Corps at the time, only 5% of the Marine Corps is female Marines. And no matter what you do, and this was the day before we graduated, no matter what you do. So we get our EGA like a week before we graduate. So we're Marines for a week with them.

But she said, no matter what you do, you can be the fastest runner. You can do the most pull-ups. You could be the best at your job. You're looked at as one of three things. You're either a slut or you're a fucking bitch or you're a dyke. So pick one because no matter what you do, the males are going to label you as one. So fucking pick one now. Right. And obviously I'm not a dyke. Well, I'm into girls now, but I don't look like, you know, and I'm not a bitch. So I was like, they're going to think I'm a slut because I'm pretty-ish, you know, at the time. Yeah.

And that was my whole entire career. It was, I'd walk in the room. Good morning, Sergeant sugar tits. And I, and it's the guys. So you have to laugh it off. Like, huh? Fuck you. The minute you act like you're upset, they're like, this is why girls shouldn't be in the Marine Corps. You're fucking cry babies. You're weak. So you have to, Oh,

always my drone soldiers taught me that like no matter what you do never shown weakness because you have to work twice as hard to be looked at as twice as less and i was the fastest runner in my battalion i got i did 20 pull-ups that's that's 100 points for males i used to be on my shit um i was the highest shooter my entire regiment and they would still be like whose dick you suck to get that award it didn't matter what i did that was my entire marine corps career so

When did Combat Barbie come into play? Right away. Really? Okay. So that's... Did you dub yourself that or did other people dub you that? I took it and ran with it because... So I don't want to give this website any fucking recognition because fuck them. They talk so much shit about service members, especially females, but...

I joined and I, um, it was when I first got to my unit and I got the highest shooter in my entire regiment, the shooting badge. And I was fucking proud. I took a picture next to it and I had, um, we're allowed to have French tip. Thank you. My nails are at you right now, but I took a picture next to it and I had, you know, streaks and French tip and I posted on my Facebook, but it was public and I didn't know that,

People were going to take it and fucking slam it all over the internet. This website took it and they're like, yeah, let me guess, she banged every dude to get this award. There's no way a female can shoot like this. They spread it all over the internet like wildfire. I remember I went from like,

And I had an Instagram at the time. I had 300 followers. It went to like 9,000 the next day. And I was like, what's happening? Isn't it crazy how the internet just craves chaos? Yeah. Like you could do... You could really be like... You were the best shooter. And that gets overlooked because somebody was talking shit. You know, like people just thrive on fucking other people's drama. Yeah. And I was 18 years old at the time. Like I didn't...

I didn't know how to take it. I've never been like online or like bullied online. I've been bullied in person, but I was like, what the fuck? And I, I'm like, I can't like confront this person there online. Oh, I know. I trust me. I deal with it every fucking day. I mean, I'm sure you do too. There's nothing anyone could say that I haven't heard before. Try marrying a 500 pound dude. Literally all day long. I get told you're with him for his money. You're a gold digger. You're this, you're that. And that's why I started this podcast. What?

Because I wanted to have a voice to where I could tell people my story and girls like you that could come on where people just go and see your profile and they think, oh, she's a pretty girl. She probably fucked her way to the top. No, they get to hear your backstory. You know, that's exactly why I started this. It's empowering. I love that. I remember it was actually like a year or two ago. I watched like all your early episodes and I could literally,

sit there for hours and watch them and I'm like and on your YouTube and everything I'm like yeah it was awesome so this website took your picture oh yeah you went everywhere and like who the fuck so you started going viral from it yep all over the internet all over Facebook Instagram Twitter Facebook is the worst yeah I feel like they're worse than TikTok yeah people on Facebook are just they wake up mad

fuck at the world i feel like it's all older like older generation two on there too so they don't understand anything yeah for sure sorry my nose is running it's snowing outside i did not do cocaine just for the record no i keep going like this and i'm like oh no my nose is literally dripping over here too i just haven't wiped it like i have post nasal drip so bad from this fucking weather look at me i didn't even get dressed today because i'm just like what's the point of trying to look cute in snow i appreciate you so yeah just for the record i'm not on drugs i've been sober since new carolina but my

Oh, yeah, we're going to get there. You just have such a beautiful story that I just want to paint every thing that you've been through so that people, when you get to the end, people can be like, wow. Thank you. I appreciate that. And I bounce around a lot. I think I have ADHD. I'm not sure yet. You're fine. I do too. So I'm not worried about it. And believe it or not, it all comes together in podcasts. Really? It really does. When you listen back, you're going to be like, holy shit, I really told my whole fucking story. So after you went viral on Instagram,

all these platforms did that's when they started calling you combat Barbie yeah I think the first one was battlefield Barbie and I was like you know I should have ran with that and then someone said oh yeah I'd like to have her save me in combat this little bitch well combat Barbie and I fucking hated it yeah I hated it and it went that went viral and I was like what the fuck and I was 18 and I was trying to get respect from the Marines trying my

working my ass off to be one of the dudes and show them that I'm worth something. I remember walking into the chow hall and everyone's like, look, it's Combat Barbie. And everyone's pointing, laughing. I got so embarrassed. I broke out in hives. And I was like, what the fuck? I went to the hospital and then my commander was like, yeah, we saw this stuff online. Just stay in your barracks room for a few days. Like, let's just let it cool off. And I'm like, what? I need to go to work. Like, just...

stay in your room so i was like okay while i was in my room i deactivated all my social media i was like no they need to respect me i'm a marine i'm not a laughingstock i'm not a whore i'm not a slut i'm not all these things they're calling me at the time i only slept with one fucking guy in my high school love i'm like i'm not a fucking they kept calling me walking mattress because i'm pretty out i was like you know i only slept with one guy fuck these motherfuckers so i deactivated everything and then i was laying there on the second day i think it was like maybe the third day in the morning i woke up and i was like no

No, I'm going to be strong and I'm going to accept my story and who I am and I'm not going to let them hide. I like to post things. I'm like, I'm not going to let them...

fucking do this to me so i was like i am the combat barbie fuck you guys so i reacted on my shit and i changed my name to comment barbie i was like how can you make fun of me if i fucking like it yeah and then and then they were pissed you take away people's power yeah that's why i named the podcast dumb blonde because people look at you look at us like we're dumb blondes and really it's just tongue in cheek it's like no motherfucker there's so much more to me but yeah you want to call me that cool i'll own it yeah that makes you feel better warm and fuzzy inside okay so

yeah I fucking owned it and I just went with that and they were pissed it went viral again and I was like fuck it I like it and from then I was like I fucking like I am the combat Barbie I am who I am fuck you I am girly and I'm a marine and you're just a badass thank you yeah but I just you know and then a lot of magazines and websites and stuff at the time I was never in a magazine until a few years ago but a lot of websites were like check out the combat Barbie and you know it

With every good article comes a lot of hate. And I was just like, fuck it. I don't care. That's who I am. So were you modeling too while you were in the Army? Not the Army. I'm so sorry. While you were in the Marines? No, I was not allowed. I remember one time I first got my boobies done the first time. I saved my deployment money and I took leave. So the Marines wouldn't know because I don't want them to like talk shit about me. Oh, she's getting her boobs done, you know? Right. The guys. So I took my 30 days paid vacation a year, took the 30 days off, spent my deployments.

employment money from Afghanistan to get my boobies done. And I had nothing cause I'm skinny. I literally had just nipples like a negative eight cup. No, I got like Iraq looks bodacious now, baby. I'm about to get them done again. I want a bigger, no, I love them. Yeah. Two boob jobs later. But, um,

yeah, I got like a tiny little aid just so I had something there. And I took a picture with a little bikini on the beach and I posted to my Instagram and the Marines called me to their office. My Sergeant major, who the fuck do you think you are? You cannot be posting a picture in a bikini. And I'm like, I am a female. So outdated. Yeah. It's the good old boys club. Yeah. That's what I wrote a poem about that actually write poetry. Um, the good old boys club. And I'm not, I didn't say the Marine Corps in it directly, but everyone knows like,

it's like the culture is like the 70s in there like i would literally like bend down for something they come up smack my ass like morning toots like and everybody would laugh it's like the culture is like an old it's just like everything the world is evolving but but the military stays the same i don't understand that why why are they not held to a different standard they're all boys like i would go to my sergeant major's office i was like hey we were just running right now and i'm after my boob job i was like running with the marines i was in the front some marine reached over shook my titty

I heard they were fake while we're running. I'm like, fucking stop. Well, I go tell my Sergeant Major, hey, my titty just got grabbed. I appreciate it. Like, I'm not grabbing dudes' dicks. I'm not like, what if it was your daughter or your wife? He's like, I understand. We're just going to sleep this under the rug because it's going to make us look bad. It's going to make the Marine Corps look bad. So I'm just going to move you sections from him for a little bit so you guys can cool off. And I'm like,

I feel like that's, there's so much swept under the rug in the military. Because they want the military to look good to the American public, you know, but it's like. But we all know the shit that goes on now. You know, like the, the shit's been blown off the roof many a times and there's a lot of domestic violence and domestic abuse in there. You said you got married three times. Was that while you were on? Yeah. Yeah. God. Okay. You're a woman after my own heart. Yeah.

So what is dating? First of all, what is dating like in the military? It's like non-existent because when you meet someone, you think they're hot and you want to bang or whatever. You're so desperate to get out of the barracks. In the barracks, you're in like... It's a little jail cell, basically. It's tinier than half of this room. This room is pretty big, but it's brick walls, actually, too. It's just cold. You have like one little cot and it's uncomfortable. And, you know, the water in every barracks room is like brown. It's just shitty. And you're just...

It's just horrible. There's cockroaches. I think there's flying cockroaches and we call it the crack house, the barracks at Kent Pendleton. Yeah, we live in the crack house. Ceiling's leaking. So when you get married though, they pay you like...

freaking 2,000 if you're like a private or a Lance Corporal, but a lot more to be married. And so, and then you get a house and on base housing and all this stuff. And so it's such a rush to get married. So if you see someone you like and they're hot, you're like, let's both get out of here. Let's break free from the barracks. You get married. They call it a contract marriage. It's like, you're not in love, but you're doing it so you guys can get more money and have a better life. So it's, it's pretty sad because, you know, soldiers don't get paid shit. Like I was getting paid $500 every two weeks for my first like two years in the Marine Corps. It was bad.

Wow. Yeah. But at least I was able to have a free little barracks room, but it wasn't. So when, um, so you, so you ended up getting married and getting out of the barracks or whatever. And how, how was that? Did it work out? Obviously it didn't, but like, did it work out for, did it work out for a while or was it just like one of those things that happened and then it was over? So my first marriage, I don't regret the rest of the other two. I'm like, yeah, it was pretty shitty, stupid idea. But the first one I don't, it was to my high school sweetheart.

So we got married. Was he in the Marines also? So he joined and he, yeah, but he got hurt. He like hurt his back. So he was like discharged medically. So I was like, you know what? We, he's the only guy I ever slept with at the time. And I was like, I love you. And he's from your hometown? Our mamas were friends. My brother's his best friend. So, um,

Yeah, we got married, but then he was a stay-at-home husband, I guess, because he got hurt. But that was his dream to become a Marine, and I kind of went with it too. But I know dudes are all about their ego, but it started to get to the point where I'd come home with awards and stuff, and he'd be like,

well how did you get that why did you get that so everything that i was getting told online he was starting to tell me in person yep and he's like i came home with my green belt and rincor martial arts and i had to get my ass beat like you got to get your ass beat to get a martial arts belt like i'm just getting beat up for weeks bloody i broke my nose like three times like just scabs sores everywhere and i came home and i was like i finally got my green belt like finally and he's like who'd you sleep with to get that it's so he started saying that shit to me and i'm like

Yeah, it's like you have to go out in the world and fight dragons. You don't have to fight them when you get home. Yep. Everybody online, everybody at work, and now my own husband. So I was like, fuck. And then one day I was like, I'm getting promoted to corporal, which is a big deal in the Marine Corps. It's NCO. Yeah, that was my next question. Like, when did you start moving up the ranks? Yeah, well, pretty fast because my score is not, I wouldn't say super fast, but...

But faster than normal, I guess, because it was my dream to be the first female sergeant major. There's still to this day never been a female sergeant major. And I was like, if we're going to change this shit show, yeah, you're going to do it from the top down. Like, you've got to be in charge because nobody gives a fuck. You have to be in charge. So I was like, I'm going to be the first female sergeant major ever. I have chills talking about it because... Because you're proud. And I wanted that. I still do. But something happened to me at the end of my tour. I don't want to really get into that. But I mean, you can play this part. But it's... Can you tell what happened? It was...

I did not. Just take a deep breath. Yeah. Time. Something really bad happened to me, um, by someone that was in charge of me. I hear about this all the time. Yeah. Like I've read so much stuff about this where it's people that are in higher rankings that are the top dog. So nobody, you know? Yeah. And there's nothing anybody can do about it because they're so high up, you know? But I'd be damned. And I try to tell everybody. And then I finally wrote, what happened? Um,

I don't want to be a victim, but you know what? It made me who I am. It's not about you being a victim. It's about telling the story so that people who are going through it know that there's so much more life. That's what I want because I was in a severely abusive relationship. I never drop his name, but I always tell my story because it helps so many other women. Not that I'm forcing you to talk about it, but whenever you are ready, you should definitely talk about it because you're going to...

Not only are you going to heal yourself, you're going to help heal other women who are going through it too. Yeah. So you guys, you went through like a really hard time and something happened. Something...

out of my control but you know to this day I'm like I'm not even mad about it because it made me strong and I'll be fucking damned if that ever happens to me again or if I ever let anyone brush it off as if it's nothing so I the command wasn't doing anything so I wrote the fucking commandant of the Marine Corps the commandant of the Marine Corps and that's the highest in the Marine Corps and he was like

And I, you know, showed him all the evidence that I had got and everything. And he's like, all right. He flew down from Quantico, Virginia to Parris Island, South Carolina. And he was like, you can stay in and finish your contract. You have a year left because everything,

Every enlistment's four years, so I was supposed to do eight because I did four, signed up for another four. That's why I got out at seven. He's like, or you can get out tomorrow and you'll get benefits the rest of your life. I said, get me the fuck out. You cannot. Nothing will ever make me... I mean, you held up seven years. It was a long fucking time to be in the fucking military. So it's not like you just fucking quit day two. You earned your stripes. I wanted to be a female sergeant major. It's sad, but you know what? I...

It's not my battle to fight. I feel like I don't want to discourage people, but it's such a, cause everyone's like, you should have stayed and fought, be the change you wish to see. But I'm like, it's, it's so hard when you won against literally an entire army. It's so hard. Like you, there's gotta be some change, but there's, it needs to be a lot of people to rise up and change the culture of

And stand together because it's hard for one person to carry all that weight. The day I got out, the weight was lifted. I'm like, it's not my battle to fight. I always say we're powerful in numbers. Yeah. Because we really are. Yeah. So you got out of...

The military. Yes. What happens next? Like, how did you feel the first night that you were like home? Did you go back to California? No, I went to my third husband. So I got married a few times. It's all right. We've all been there. But dude, I'm like, my mom was like, dude, you have trophies on your walls. You married a dude from every branch, the Marines, the Army.

and the Air Force. I'm just looking for Navy, so if you hear this out there. Navy is sliding the DMs. You're a sailor, Anna. I heard Navy is that they are fucking dirty boys out there. Because they're on boats, so they have to hire all the hookers from when they dock and shit like that. Yeah, that's true. Every port they go, they all get diseases and spend all their money and shit. That's what I've heard. Well, it sounds like a fun time. Nothing scares her. Get in those DMs, boys. Yeah.

Oh my God. As long as it's curable. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Don't give us any lifelong fucking diseases, please. God, I've been 29 years. I'm good. Yeah. Yeah. So my Air Force husband, he was actually stationed in North Dakota, which by the way, I was getting PTSD today because I was like, never mind.

to be in North Dakota. It's just snow everywhere. Oh no. Because everything was snowed in. Everything was shut down. Oh I hate it. It was fucking bad. I feel so claustrophobic and trapped in snow. You know? Like you can't. You're crazy. Yeah. And I can't get any delivery last night. You poor thing. I ate a fucking Reese's piece

She literally flew in the middle of a snowstorm. Like I tried to hit her the night before and tell her like, Hey, they might cancel your, we are still baffled that your fucking plane did not get canceled. Like we're like, how in the fuck did they fly her through that? You know, like that's kind of scary. Yeah. Yeah. They didn't give a shit.

So you went home to your Air Force husband. North Dakota, yeah. Yeah. That lasts all of seven months, I think. God damn, that was bad. Because we had a long-distance relationship or marriage, I should say. We would fly to each other. And it was like the honeymoon stage. And then we'd be like, you know, you never really know someone until you live with them. Oh, yeah, for sure. Every day, too. That's like, yeah, that's really getting to know somebody. When did you start...

How did that come about? So after that marriage blew up in my face, I'm like, well, here we go again. I'm like, what do I do now? Because I literally got out of the Marine Corps. I was living off of him. I started going to college there. By the way, first time I'm going to college, I just want to say it because I'm proud. I got a...

scholarship at the University of North Dakota based on my GPA. So I want to say that because people are like, oh, she's fucking stupid. I'm like, no, I got a scholarship. You're like, no, motherfucker. I am not a dumb blonde. Yes. So I went to school there a little bit. Still broke, though. Had no money. But I was like, at least I'm out of the fucking military. That blew up. And then I'm like, I'm just going to drop out of college. I'll pick back up on it later, whatever, online or something. And I called my mom and I was like, well, mom,

another divorce and i have no plan and she's like come on baby it's time to come home like after all these years in the marine corps come the fuck home and i'm like okay but i obviously couldn't live with her because she's still with my you know abusive stepdad and right so i was like well who do i live with and she's like your brother you know he has a nice house my brother did well for himself because like he said this generation we have we have to get our shit together because we have we don't have parents who can lean on or so it's just us so he's like sis i'm

I'm coming to get you. I'm like, what? He flew all the way. That was his first time on an airplane too. Flew to North Dakota, picked me up and he's like, and I'll beat that motherfucker's ass if he says a word to me. I'm like, thanks brother. He helped me pack my shit and we, um, I had two Jeeps at the time, a Jeep Wrangler and a Jeep Grand Cherokee and then, um,

Cause I have a thing. I'm like, I have to keep cars forever because I didn't have shit growing up. I don't know. I'm like that too. I hoard everything. Yeah. I'm like, I have clothes from high school. Me too. Yeah. Like I'm so weird about shit like that. I don't know what, like memories. I'm like, it's a broken down ass, but I'm like, I gotta keep it. It's my first car. I have to. Um, so we took the two Jeeps somehow made it across country and the worst blizzard in like 35 years. It was, it was to be your thing. Traveling in snow. I,

I know. Okay. It's weird. Every time I travel somewhere, it rains or snows. I'm like, am I a bad woman? No, no, no. No, not at all. I don't know, but...

But so then I live in my brother's house, but he has four kids. Well, three kids, I should say. Sorry, not four. They're trying to have four. But I call it a little closet because it was so small. It was like a little tiny. His office was a side room. And I remember twin size bed in there and like this much, like a few inches of room to walk around it. And that's it. And I literally lived in my brother's closet. I had $40 in my bank account. I...

They were about to repossess my Jeep Wrangler. I kept getting notices. I had no fucking money and no plan. And I would sit there and stare at the ceiling and just be like, this is my life. Three divorces later, a failed Marine Corps career because, I mean, it wasn't my fault, but... It wasn't failed, though. It wasn't failed. Look how much you got from that. Thank you. All the lessons, all the fucking hardship, all the fucking... You know, you left there with a fucking title, you know? Thank you. So it definitely wasn't failed. Thank you. But that's how, you know, I don't know. When you have that pity party and you're just...

that's how I felt like, fuck, I can't do anything right. Three divorces, got out of the Marine Corps early. That's life, baby. That's life. Like you're gonna have to go, you're gonna have to go through it to get to it. You know, like you were, you were put through those lessons so that you could tell people your story and look, dude, you reach people, millions of people every, no, you're good. You reach millions of people every day on your platform, dude. And you spread so much light and positivity and,

Even if you're hurting inside, I already know because I'm the same type of person. Even if you're hurting inside, you're still touching people, you know, and that's what you're here for.

so don't ever feel like it was failed it's just a chapter in your book baby there's a lot of shitty chapters but thank you it's all good girl we fucking have all been through some shit let me tell you i you know there's a lady that um that just reached out to me about publishing my book i'm gonna talk to her about you please you have a really good story thank you and i think a lot of people need to hear it well this is the first time i'm telling anybody about my childhood you know that right no i didn't know that yeah i was like well who better to

than you I love you I respect you and I'm like I'm gonna tell you what my childhood and the shit that went on with me in the Marine Corps um I got interviewed by Inside Edition when I first got out well when I first started modeling I guess a little bit after my brother's house but I'll get into that yeah they asked me the hard question about the Marine Corps and I broke down crying and it's on national television they cut it and then they're like we're not we're not we can't and I was like thank you because I don't I'm not ready for the world I've never told anybody about what happened yeah not ready to say exact details um yeah you can put so many together I mean

Yeah. Yeah. So you just have a really cool story and, you know, of triumph and you're still living it, you know, like you're still going through it, which we're going to, you know, get to the present, but we had to talk about the past to get to the, to the present. Um, my thing is, is,

They let you, you guys serve and literally dedicate your lives so much to the military and then they just put you out on your ass. Yeah. They don't give you any resources or, you know, you don't get like a monthly check or something. Definitely not. And it sucks because right now I'm trying to get to the VA because I think I have ADHD. I scheduled an appointment in September and they said the closest appointment is in February. I'm like, this is why vets kill themselves. Not saying I want to kill myself. Right, right, right, right.

But I can't get help at all. And I had to jump through hoops, like 10 different phone calls just to be told my appointment's not until February. I called the VA hotline, the crisis line, every kind of veterans group. I'm like, this is shitty. So I'm paying out of pocket now to try to find a therapist or this or that to figure out, like, you know, fix my mood a little bit now that I'm sober off drugs because...

Listen, sobriety, we'll get to that too. But sobriety, there's no harder battle in the world than getting sober and getting to know yourself. Oh, yeah. It's fucking brutal. It's dark. I've been battling depression the past two years. So I get, I've never had fucking depression in my entire life. And not only did I get depression, I got suicidal ideation depression. So I trust me, I understand what you're going through. So when you started modeling, I

as soon as you got out or sit in my brother's closet and just wanting to die like you said it's just I was depressed and my brother would I wouldn't eat ever and he'd knock on the door and he's like I made you a sandwich sis like he's so sweet and I was like brother what's the point of me being here I feel like a failure I want to die like I just I want give me a reason to stay alive I'm sorry no you're good give me a reason and he would try to remind me of all the shit like I've overcome and everything I've done and

He went into my old Marine Corps box in the garage. He's like, remember this? And he like brought me my medals. He's like, remember that? My brother kept me alive. Sorry. That's like making me tear up, dude. He kept me alive. Like I wouldn't be here without my brother. And, you know, I was on Instagram. I was already had followers because of stupid combat Barbie stuff. And he's like, do something with it. And I'm like, but what brother? What do I do?

He's like, just reach out to these people. I'm like, I have flaws. I have crooked teeth, a big nose, and I have crazy tattoos. I don't think I could be a model at the time. This was back in... Did you have your sleeves? I had this one, and I didn't have this one yet. But I was like, but my tattoos are shitty. And you see at the time on Instagram, there's only a few OGs that were modeling. I think you were one of them. But there's only a few girls... I'm definitely an OG. But there's only a few... Esther, Hanukkah, all of them. Yeah. And I'm like...

there's only a few. And I was like, I don't have what it takes to be like them. Like I just, but he's like, just do it. Reach, click on their pages and see who they're shooting with and message the photographers. My brother told me that. And I was like, okay. He's like, you can do it. You can Rihanna. And I'm like, brother, we love you. My brother's name is Eric, by the way. We love you. I ever have a boy. I'm naming him Eric. Cause I love my brother. So yeah. Um, say older, younger. He's two years older than me. So it was him. And then me. And then my two younger sisters who I took care of. Um, when's his birthday?

May 7th. So he's a Taurus. Oh, yeah. He's a bull. So is Chachi. So is my baby over here. Yeah. They see he's not stubborn. He's the sweetest man I've ever met. So maybe he's, I don't know what his movie sign is, but yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So he's like, do it. And so I reached out to them and then I remember, I'll never forget Robert Alvarado. He does like old pinup photography. He said he was the first one to say yes. A lot of people were saying no. At first I was so discouraged. They're like, oh, I'm busy. I don't have time or you don't have the look I want. It was a weird world back then. It really was for modeling. Now it's like everybody can fucking do it. But back then trying to break into it, photographers were fucking creepy. Actually, we should start a me too movement on fucking Instagram photographers. Do I have a list?

I have a list of me my girlfriend's made a list of like weird fucking ones or just assholes or scam artists like yeah no there's so many of them we have luckily been blessed to work with some of the coolest people and I'll recommend them too I'm sure you've probably worked with them too but I don't know but I love your I love all your photo shoots and everything that yeah so I'm like I need

to hit up i see but kind of stopped doing that recently too but i think we've all went through it fucking 2020 really threw us for a loop and everybody's just you know we have fucking only fans now and it's just yeah so then it's like what's the point they like they like and it's selfies better like exactly to them exactly i tell everybody that and instagram is literally falling apart the algorithms on there are fucking garbage i'm shadowbanned right now by the way me too i don't know i'm a little literally a walking community guideline i could fucking post

A fucking, a picture of me fully clothed, then it'll get taken down because I fucking like, it's just crazy. I can't on all platforms. They always come for me. It doesn't fucking matter. All right. So you started modeling. When did you start getting published in magazines and stuff like that? Um, it took about two years, but like I said, Robert, he invited me and I was like, he's like, you know, I do military type and you're,

you're a veteran. And I'm like, that's perfect. So I freaking went up there and with a little corset thing and little saluting and little, like he had all the outfit, all the outfits. I think I remember the photo shoot. Yeah. It was my first ever like real photo shoot in my life. And he gave me 50 bucks because I remember my brother loaned me money. So we're in Fresno. We're two hours away from LA. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a fucking shithole. That's the worst. You got to name the dirtiest city in America. Dude, it's like the butthole of California. If you ever want to live in the butthole of California, go to Bakersfield or go to Fresno. On the streets of Bakersfield. Yeah. I love that song. I don't even know that song, but I know Bakersfield. We should play it right now. Yeah, for sure. Jason, insert whatever she just sang. Hey, you know me, but you don't like me. Say you care, let's have it.

Yeah, because it says, hey, you don't know me, but you don't like me. From the streets of Bakersfield. Oh, Lord. I need to Google that. Dude, Jason, please find that. Please. We'll definitely insert it. That's hilarious.

My brother loved me guys So you did your photo shoot with What's his face To do the Not the army God The fucking The military pictures or whatever And he says he usually Girls usually pay him But he's like I was like honestly I don't have any money right now I could pay you in a week maybe And then he's like How about I give you money And I'm like what You're paying me So

So he gave me money to get a hotel that night. Otherwise, I would have slept in my Jeep. And I was totally fine with sleeping in my Jeep that night. But I was like, okay. And so he got me a hotel, gave me some money. And then he's like, I'll edit these for free for you. And I'll give them to you tomorrow. And I was like, wow, that's quick. Okay. I posted them. And then foxnews.com and like...

Sports Illustrated or not Sports Illustrated. That's the one that they don't fuck with me because my tattoos, but Maxim and Foxy. Can we talk about that though as soon as you're done talking about that? I feel go ahead. So they don't fuck with you because your tattoos, but Maxim and everybody else. Yeah, they're just like check out this hot Marine Combat Barbie like, you know, and then I went viral and then I got more

followers I was like whoa and then I applied for a verification badge and I got it I was like yay lucky you I had to fucking wait 10 years and have a fucking management company get it for me my husband's management company had to get it for me like they don't they don't Instagram hates fucking IG thoughts like they do not like maybe that's why because I never got a violate and I wasn't really at the time right it's just blossoming into an IG thought and I wanted to be one but yeah I was just blossoming and then I was like what the fuck that was

quick and so once i got my badge though this is a shallow and shitty part then photographers are like i want to shoot you now so i'm like wow you didn't want me before but now you want me but fuck it i'll shoot with you and then that's when magazines started hey let's publish you i'm like okay cool like what magazines have you been in playboy and maxim so the playboy let you shoot with your tattoos yeah and so it's crazy because hugh hefner hated girls with tattoos i know he died and he sold it to some company what the heck is it called

still a calm or something i don't know the heffner brothers manage it but it's not the real playboy it's not playboy usa nobody can get in playboy usa you have to be their thing is about like um what is it they're super like liberal progressive their thing is like they have bald ladies on there or like which is fine or they had a dude on the last cover so they want like transgender right you'll you'll never see a hot blonde on the cover of playboy usa ever again like that's not a thing like it's yeah so they just totally took the whole

Yeah. They had like, it's just crazy. Like, I don't know. It's the craziest things, but it's fine. I mean, everyone wants to feel included, but. Yeah. Yeah. So.

I like that everyone wants to feel included I love it I mean but I am touched but it's like let's keep it let's keep it G you know like Playboy was built off busty blondes and blondes yeah blonde boobies yeah that's what we all aspired to be growing that's why we are blonde with big tits is because we all wanted to be in Playboy yeah for sure seriously

But Playboy, though, I will say, I don't know if I should cut this part out or not, but it's play to play. Play to what? Pay to play. Pay to play. No, I was actually going to say that. We met a photographer in L.A. who was like, yeah, we can talk. He's like, I can't get you on Playboy because of your tattoos. I'm like, whatever. I don't care. He's like, but if you want to be in any other magazines, you can pay. And I was just like, I don't want to be in magazines if I have to pay for them. And who the fuck buys magazines anyways nowadays? You know, like everything's online. So that dreams. I've always wanted to do Playboy just to say I did it because I...

I did. I worked for them. I did a TV show for them, but they would never. Yeah, they would never let me in the magazine. They always told me I was too overweight. What's so it's been. They told me I need to lose 15 pounds. Bill White, I think, was his name. The guy, the photographer who shot me. He was. And if I showed you these pictures, I was fucking literally 120 pounds. What?

told me but but i've always had hips you know and i have a brazilian body yeah so he was just like you need to lose 15 pounds so it's always been my thing to be like you know what it's always been a fuck you like okay cool well whenever you guys want me to be in your magazine to cover my podcast i'm gonna do it but it's gonna be a fuck you you know like because you guys told me i had to lose weight um and the crazy thing is you have the body that everybody wants now so it kind of backfired on them like yeah it's weird but playboy's always been fucking weird man they've always been like

real stereotypical and you know like I don't know borderline pedophile-ish okay like you're kind of weird but so after you started doing these magazines where's your mental health at now and like how are you feeling and are you feeling better about yourself is life getting better so I mean you know started making money for the first time in my life in the Marine Corps I was barely breaking three thousand a month and like living on my credit cards so when I got out I and I was

fucking broke broke I finally I started only fans right right when I started modeling you know I don't even say I was a model I mean I guess I don't call myself a model either I call myself a thought yeah I hate photo shoots you can ask my team I shoot probably faster than any bitch you've ever met in your life like I hate being in front of the camera but I do it because it's our brand you know

So I started making money, but I never did anything nude at the time. And even the photo shoots, because I was so, I guess, traumatized or brainwashed from the Marine Corps about being respectful. So I never did anything nude. So my only fans for the first two years, so sorry guys, like for the, whoever subscribed for the first two years, it was all implied. So like hair covering my nipples or my hands or chocolate or whatever. And they were pissed off, but I'd make about, I'd make,

good money doing that I guess like you know starting out um and so I started making money and I finally got my own apartment moved out of my brother's house and as like a thank you I did his whole backyard because it was all like rocks and dirt I like bought him all new grass and the whole backyard shit so I was like thanks brother I appreciate you and

Fast forward a few years later, I paid off his house for him because he's the reason I'm alive. But at the time, I was making... What should I say? Or is that tacky? No, you can. I say it all the time. I throw it in people's faces. Shit, when you come from nothing, you're happy that you fucking made it to where you have. Yeah, I was making like 15 to 20k a month. And that was a lot for me. I know it's not a lot now. I mean, I make more now because I do porn now. But anyways, I actually do... We all do porn now, baby. It's okay. I know...

the world is crazy now but yeah yeah i was like this is some good fucking money and i was like helping my family out any way i could my mom did meth her whole life so she had rotten teeth so she said baby all i want is is to be able to smile so i got her all veneers to pay like sixty thousand dollars to get her and before my my own teeth i'm like i kind of got my teeth done but i wanted to do that for my family i was like a i forgive you mom yeah because she's like i'll get clean if you get me new teeth and she got clean so and my sisters check on her to make sure they like check her drawers make sure they don't have any

fucking yeah so um she did that and you know i helped her out but uh yeah started making money and then um started doing modeling you know living in fucking ghetto fresno though but driving to la every other weekend flying out um and then i got an offer to go to the sausage castle and

That's okay So that's where I found I started seeing Who you were Because my husband's Friends with Mike And I've met Mike A few times Shout out Mike Busey Yes he's awesome Yeah and I remember So what was up with you guys Were you dating I was madly in love With that motherfucker He's a fucking Sagittarius man They are assholes Yes and that's The strongest match for Leo My husband's a Sagittarius Oh I didn't know that Yeah he is I'm just like

because he has so much about him and I had my own shit. I had my own money and that's when he, when I first started hanging out there, he invited me to hang out there and he's like, shoot some guns. We got flamethrowers. You could ride a tank. That's really combat Barbie for your brand. I'm like, really? Thank you. And didn't ask a dime from me and I never asked a dime from him and he's always telling me like, I respect veterans. He does. He respects veterans, military. He came from nothing as well so he connects on that level and, um,

Yeah, and then he was like, you never asked me for anything. Most of these hoes have nothing going on for them. You got your own shit. You're a badass bitch. He would give me positive. Every day I was like, I feel like somebody around you. Like, you make me feel like I'm worth something. You know? I fell so in love with him, God. But I was so...

new to that lifestyle and all these, you know, strippers. Yeah, it's hard. It's hard being with a dude whose whole brand is based on women. Sex and... Yeah. But I was like, it's okay. Do your thing. I know you gotta film and do crazy stuff. But the girls there in the house, like his...

I'm not gonna name names, but they were like start... They were mad because like he liked me the most and they all wanted to be the top girl. Right. Because they wanted his money. Those bitches had nothing. Right. I know. I already know. That's why I stay away from... I love Mike's brand. I love what he's built, but the energy there is not it. It's fucking trifling. I don't know. It's...

it's rough. And they're just bullying me around, like hide my shit, like my makeup or my curling iron, or just do shit like that to me or like sit on his lap right in front of me and kiss his cheek and then look at me. And I'm like, okay, I'm not a jealous person, but I'm like, you're doing this to try to get it. It's got too much. And I went on tour with him. I think that was, we actually went to Nashville. That was the last time I was in Nashville. So I was like, Oh, this is bittersweet.

I finally said enough is enough that night. I couldn't take it anymore. Was he good to you though? He was so good to me. Like, and I loved him for a while after we broke up, but I just told him I couldn't deal with the life and the girls and the brand. And I'm sure he's used to that. You know, Mike is so easy. I've seen no offense, but I've seen so many girls come and go since I've been with Jay with him. And yeah,

I I'm just waiting for Mike to want to settle down. He's going to, cause my husband was the same way when I got with him, just a revolving door of women. That's how Sagittarius men are. I think it's really ego driven because of how they are. They're so successful that it's just like a revolving door, you know, of women for them. Um, but I'm waiting to see when Mike actually wants to settle down. Well, I think he, he kind of has, so we've kept in contact over the years. I think, you know, it's been what, um,

a year maybe two years now or has it been a year i think it's been longer two years but we kept in contact we would like text all the time facetime all the time and i just brought back all the memories and we just like talk human to human and whenever i had a crisis i'm like this guy in vegas just screwed me over this guy he's like calm down this is what you do i always ran from device and then he got with this new girl that he's with now i don't know her name but she's very beautiful um so if you're listening this mic i hope you guys are happy i really do i mean that um so he's been with her

for a while now I think this is the longest girlfriend I've seen him have so maybe he's gonna settle down with her I don't yeah I don't know but um I always have a spot my heart for him he's awesome but I just at the time I could not deal with that life yeah so what brought you to Vegas how did you end up in Vegas

Fucking got scammed. No. Yeah. So I was in California. It's that big Leo heart. Yeah. That's my fucking resolution. Resolution? Yeah, that's how you say it. Yeah. New Year's resolution. New Year's resolution is just to be more, not bitter, but like skeptical or like just not to be...

to not be so trusting so fast to people because that's where all my problems, you know, cause I, I believe people when they tell me things and I want to, I see the best in people even when they show me red flags. I'm like, I give them benefit of the doubt cause I'm like, I'm like, okay, he's been through this, he's been through that. So that's why he acts like that. But I just, you know, I need to, um, just be more guarded. I guess that's what I was. Was it for, are we allowed to say his name or no? Oh, we can, uh,

Wait, we have to make it rhyme. Was it for Schmander? Schmander. No, it wasn't, but I met him there. So this fucking photographer dude, I want to say his name right now. You should, because these photographers need to stop fucking scamming bitches. I sued him, and then I was told never to talk about him again. Oh, gotcha. Okay. So he invited me to Vegas for a reality show. He said we're going to have a house. Oh, I know exactly who you're talking about. Yeah, fuck him.

Can we even say that? I don't think we can bleep that. Jason bleep that for me. Yes. And a fucking scam. He said that he has producers from VH1 or MTV or both or something coming to film us. But it was COVID so that he hit me up, too. And I was just like, so how do these girls fly out from like L.A.?

LA, Texas, New York, Florida. So we all flew out, five blondes in the house. He's like, I want to know, like I want to film a day-to-day life of an OnlyFans girl. So, and you all have your own themes. Like one of the girls is like gangster, you're a rock and roll and military. One of the girls is like,

a stripper, blah, blah. So y'all have your own thing. And I'm like, that'd be cool. That sounds fun. And we all met before he moved in the house, all of us girls. And we all got along. So we're like, we're not going to fight on camera. I'm like, I'm not going to be crazy like that on camera. Like, I'm not about that anyway. Like, unless I'm like pushed to my limit, I'm not going to. Yeah. So we like, unless you can control the narrative. Yeah. And so we moved in and then he's like, oh, we're like, when is filming going to start? And he's like, oh, next week. It's because COVID, it was the height of COVID.

next week or this week or whatever. And then he's like, but I'll fill in my phone in the meantime. Like, so he's filling his phone, but then he was like catching us in the shower and like weird. And at the time I never did anything new. It only did implied. So I was like, what the fuck getting us in weird situations, horrible angles, like telling me one thing about a girl. And then, so I would go up to her and then tell her other things to make us fight on purpose for his phone. Um, just crazy shit. And then he'd be like, okay, rent still. We lived in this like basic ass house, supposed to be a mansion, right? Living in a basic ass house in Vegas. And I,

I didn't find out until later Vegas houses are super cheap to rent or to buy. Oh, so cheap. And he was like, the rent's $10,000, so I need this much from all of you. And then he'd be like, oh, actually it's $15,000 now. And then we need money for this. We were giving this guy all of our OnlyFans money and he had the password to our OnlyFans as well. No. And I couldn't even log on. He changed our password. I'm like, I can't even log on and see what you're doing. And he's like, don't worry. I'm messaging all your fans. I'm doing this. I'm doing that. I'm like, but are you making me any more? That's what I want to know. Are you making me any more money? Because what's the

point of view managing it right if i'm staying the same and you're just taking all of it right and then he was like oh i deposit he put his bank account for all of our only fans and then he's like i'll take my cut and then send you your money back i'm like no no no we should get our money first and then we'll send you the cut yeah i was like i only lasted seven days in that house that was the first sleeve i stood up to him custom in front of everybody and then all the girls too the night before said we're with you the minute you stand up we're following you right out that door

I stood up Cussed his ass out I was like You're a fucking scam artist Piece of shit He would He was former army He would talk down to us Like we're I was getting PT I'm like You're not gonna talk to me like that Yeah like I fucking did that For seven years bro Yeah we were at dinner one time And he was like You know Um

Instagram only fangirls They're like less than dirt And they think they're hot shit But their worth is less than dirt And all of us are sitting here like But he's living off of you guys And we're like What the fuck do you think of us Like you're talking about it Like how dare you Constantly So after seven days I was like I'm fucking out of here And I'm suing your ass Like fuck this Fuck you You're not gonna talk to me You're not gonna take my money Good But I looked around at the girls They're all just sitting there still They didn't follow me out Like they said they would I was like Okay so I was the bad guy

So I left. They blocked me on everything. I went and talked to my lawyers about everything. I'm like, and all the girls were mad at me. Like you, you ruined this. And I'm like, no. And then after a few weeks, I think it lasted two more weeks after that. Then they finally all left and they reached out to me. You're so right about him. It just took me a while to get the courage. It makes you not want to be friends with people like that though. They don't have your back from the get like, bitch, don't come crying to me now. Yeah.

So I keep it casual. I'm like, okay. But I'm like, you could have walked out when I walked out. You would have saved your ass a lot. One girl gave him $20,000. You could have saved your ass. But whatever. Be stupid, I guess. But those girls...

didn't really i feel like he was brainwashing them like like the military like they haven't they hadn't been through it before so they were like you know i've talked down to but he's supposedly helping us and but anyways that's why i moved to vegas so that only lasted seven days so then i was like what do i do now i love how you're always goal oriented because i'm the same way i'm always like okay well what am i gonna do now yeah like now i can't go back i just left california and i'm like i can't crash and burn and run back

Just yet like I got to figure it out. So I knew a friend there. She was an Air Force vet I stayed on her couch for a while and then I got my own place rented it and then I was invited to a party online But I think it was like Danny Banks or somebody and she's fucking awesome. I love Danny her work ethic is impeccable And she's a cool ass bitch. Have you ever talked to her in person? I have I've talked to her. I've never met her in person She's fucking cool. I'm like, yeah real and genuine and cool as fuck like she's a party person

Yeah. That's awesome. And that's where I... It's hard, especially girls in this industry. Not a lot of them are really cool. Oh, yeah, no. I don't think any of them are. Like, maybe one in four. Viking Barbie is. She's amazing. She's one of my really good friends. So I like her. I actually look at her stuff. I'm like, I can relate to her a lot. And then I see that you guys, you say you guys are twin flames. And I'm like, I can relate to you a lot and her a lot. I'm like...

No, Barbie's an amazing woman. She's just as real as it gets. She's just like Danny and her work ethic is amazing. We love Barbie. Shout out Viking Barbie. Yeah, I feel the same as you. I have a crush on her. I actually told her that last week. I was like, I have a crush on you. She's like, LOL. I was like, I either laugh or get turned on by your story. Listen, be careful. She will fuck you. Okay? No, she really will. Barbie loves women. Okay? So be careful sliding in those DMs. Maybe I won't. Okay.

I'm going to put in a good word for you. No, I'm serious. You're down. I listen. I got you. Thank you. So you met Schmander at this party? Yeah. Because I remember seeing you guys online and I thought you guys are super cute together. It was like love at first sight. But that whole crew to me just seems like a bunch of F boys. Oh,

See, that's the thing I don't want to get sued. No, well, we're just not going to use any names. I came into Vegas and thinking, because good old me, thinking these people are actually my friends. And like, yeah, we do what we do for money, but we could have like genuine friendships. So, but I got that wrong with her and all the other people there because...

Like, for instance, I was recovering from surgery. I got my butt done and she said she would be there to pick me up and take care of me and she never showed up. And the nurses, I had to pay them like $100 an hour extra to stay. I was there for, I was like, I have nobody in Vegas to take care of me or help me. And so I had to call my grandma. She had to get a...

quick flight out there and i never heard from her for a week and then the next week hey girl what's up i'm like you left me there i was you said you'd be there for me i was there for your surgery shit like that like i learned she's not my friend not everybody that makes it has a soul or a heart yeah when you have a good heart and you actually help people along the way in your journey that's when god blesses you but if she's the one who's out here just hurting people repeatedly that that

Karma has no time limit. It comes back. Trust me. And life has a way of humbling motherfuckers. Is it sad that I like wish that like I wish that like. No, it will. And trust me, baby, it will. We all get ours. And she would deny it all. And then I would show her my proof. And then she'd be like, oh, my bad. I'm like, how come it takes me showing you proof for you to say sorry? But that's crazy. We'll get back on track. So you and Schmander. I thought you guys were adorable. Thank you. So we call each other Twin Flames.

Because we're, I don't know. So he comes from a small farm town in West Virginia. He joined the army. We have a lot of same story. And then he kind of was broke. No, no direction what to do. And then moved to Vegas and started the whole, you know, he was a male stripper, porn, all that shit. Made something of himself. Yeah. And so, and talking to him, we would like finish each other's sentences and shit. We've been through a lot of shit together. It was good, but drugs tore us apart, man. What'd you guys start doing? So I was in love with cocaine. God damn.

Damn it. Every time I would get drunk, I would want to do blow too. For the minute I woke up, like I was just like 10 grams a day. Honestly, it was so bad. You might be ADHD. Yeah. Cause I love the upper and it gave me confidence that I never had before. And I was like able to do everything without it. I couldn't even do a pile of laundry, but so I, it was a year long of me, uh,

Fuck, man. It was bad. But then I started taking Adderall and cocaine. I don't know how my heart didn't pop. Wow. And then I wanted to come down. I was so high. Sometimes I would take Xanax to come down. So my heart's like, what do I go? Up, down, up. Yep. That's what I would do too. I was always doing those too. Yeah. Almost overdosed like four different times. Like legit. My body went into shock. Throwing up. Pills. They had to take me to the hospital. And I was doing that for him though too. So...

I don't know. To like keep up with the lifestyle. Yeah. I don't think, I think he's told this on podcasts themselves, but yeah, we were helping each other. We were taking each other to the hospital. So we're like, we had each other, you know, like Bonnie and Clyde ride or die. But after a while it's like, I need someone to say, no, yes, I need you to help me. And I can't help myself. You can't help yourself. Well, so we're just kind of like in this little, like,

We're making so much good money that I went from like 15 to 20K a month to like 100 to 200,000 doing porn with him. He convinced me to do porn for the first time ever. My fans love that shit. Oh, I bet. But yeah, at the height of it, I was making so much money and I was like, fuck yeah, I'm high on drugs. I have confidence. It was fun while it lasted, but it was a year of that and I was able to pay off all my immediate family's debt. And then I was like, well, now what? Like, I'm not, I don't want to keep doing this shit. You know, I'll still do sexy little things, but like hardcore, crazy shit.

I was like, this isn't me. This never was me. But it was fun while it lasted. And I didn't get sober. You gotta always stay true to who you are. Yeah. And I just stopped all that in August. So. And that's when you decided to move to North Carolina. Yep. Just completely changed my life. Like.

So how's sobriety going for you? It's so August, September, October, November, December, January. So you've been sober six months. Yeah, I'm proud of you. It's fucking hard. No, I know, dude. I used to take Xanax and fucking Laura tabs every day. And then Jay and I were on the trial by fire tour with yellow wolf in 2020.

or 2017. I can't remember. I think it's 2017. And I just looked at him one day and I was like, I don't want to be on because Jay never, you know, he's like teach their own. My husband's really cool. Like he's just like, whatever you got to do to fucking get through whatever. And I was just like, I don't want to do these anymore. And he's like, okay. And I never touched them again, but it has been sobriety has been the hardest battle of my life. Getting to know myself without being stimulated by something. And I think after drug use for so long, it, it,

your brain's never going to be the same. So like, how do I, you know what I mean? You're never going to feel that good again. I don't know. Yeah. It's going to, it's going to heal itself, but it's going to take fucking time, dude. And it's, you know, you're, you're doing the right thing. And they always say, you know, the walking the straight and narrow is the hardest, you know, all roads lead to hell. And it's like that, that one road that fucking leads you to fucking sobriety and redemption is like the thinnest road, but it's,

If you can just stay on this path and just keep it going, you're going to figure it out. Thank you. Yeah, it's just hard to... And plus...

While I was doing it, I was blinded by all the money and the fun with it. That's why we say we're twin flames. But it doesn't mean twin flames are soulmates. They're not supposed to be with their twin flame. Well, twin flames, there's a lot of pain. That's what people don't realize. Twin flames think, oh, twin flames are so cute and we're soulmates and we're going to be together. No, twin flames is separation, hurt, pain, lessons, mirroring each other. That's what a twin flame is. We literally mirrored each other. We do. And that's why I'm like, I need to be with someone a little bit different than me because I need someone to pull me out of this shit. But it was so much fun. I was like...

I don't even know where I was going with that right now. Yeah. Well, you were talking about getting sober. Yeah. Cut that out, please, Jason. I said,

Yeah, you were talking about schmander and you know now you're on this road to sobriety and it's hard Yeah, it's it's fucking hard But I looked in the mirror and I was like I look like my mom right now Because you know after I would only sleep once every seven days and I would eat like one bite of an apple once every seven days Like it was bad and I looked in the mirror and you know, like sometimes you get paranoid you start picking your face So I had like scabs on my face. I'm looking in the mirror. I'm like i'm making all this money, but like

who the fuck am i and i looked i looked in there i saw my fucking mom i was hallucinating probably from being up so long i was like fuck i never wanted to be a drug addict i never wanted to but it just goes with it everybody in vegas is fucking the first party i walked up to i'm not gonna say her name but she's one of the world's famous porn stars one of the top five she came up to me and said put this in your tongue and i was like just in shock that it was her i was like okay i let her put it on my tongue and then from there just nicolette shea i'm just kidding yeah

I'm like, who is it? I want to guess who it is. We'll bleep it out. Oh, yeah. She's the sweetest girl ever. Yeah, Barbie's done so much stuff with her. She's the sweetest. She actually grew up and had to steal food for her family. And she only came to the US because her pimp married her, said he would give her a good life, would beat her ass. So she saved money in a sock and then enough money to leave him one day. Because she got into porn. All the porn you Google, mainstream porn, she was drugged up. And her pimp would take all the money. So eventually she...

So she's a cool fucking girl. But yeah, drugs are, I've done every drug except heroin and meth. Yeah. Fuck man. Well, I did meth, but not heroin. Yeah. I'm pretty sure I've had some meth coke before. Like, yeah. When it's yellow, when it's a little meth-y and you fucking can't take the edge off for a week, you're like, yeah, I got to hold some fucking meth. It's for real. For sure. Well, what does this next year? What does 2022 look like for combat Barbie? Um,

Are you going to do like, yeah, like self-healing? Yeah. I need to figure out who I am. I need to get you with my psychic who just did my reading for the year. She'll make you feel so good. She does my readings every year. I need that. Mm hmm.

I never believed in that shit till like a year ago and I'm like how is this so spot on and I'm like no I used to think it was some weird hippie shit but I'm like this is legit like the truth like it's crazy yeah so but yeah just um trying to be sober I mean I still drink alcohol now so that's the thing I got sober in August but fuck I started drinking like crazy because I would I wasn't high I was like I need something I can't be sober my thoughts so I moved to North Carolina and man I was doing like fucking two bottles of tequila a day like

I think I was drunk every single day since I've been there, but I'm like, at least I'm not on drugs. But yeah, well you're, you're healing and you're learning how to deal with it. So, you know, it's what you have to do to survive and get through right now. But as long as you're conscious enough to know, Hey, this is not going to work out in the long run. I can't keep doing this. No, I don't, I don't want to have to rely on a substance and,

I just want to be me again and be sober and be happy. So, um, yeah, I'm just trying to figure that out. And I've been writing a lot. All I do is right now I still do fun, sexy stuff. I'm my only fans, but obviously not hardcore shit like I used to as Xander. Right. Um, so I do a little sexy stuff there, you know, um, and I'm just, I write a lot. So I just sit the house, right. And then of course, Fort Bragg, I'm single now. So what do you look like? What do you look for in a dude? Uh,

Oh, I just like the typical military douchebag dude. Military douchebags, mount up. Yeah, tattoos, muscles, and that uniform. But I can't be with Marines because I did seven years with Marines. I fucking cannot. So that's why Marines come at me. I'm like, sorry, I'm sure you're a good guy. But the way they treat women, I'm like, I can't be with you guys. But soldiers...

you know there's a lot of female females in the fucking army so they treat their women like nice like i asked or just have you ever heard this said to a girl have you ever done this he's like no you'll get fired instantly you'll kicked out i'm like good he's like our women like are badasses and so that's why i like

Army soldiers Because they respect Women like that Yay And then I tell them I'm a Marine And they're like Fuck yeah And I'm like yeah Aww Well I'm excited for you For this next year Of self healing And getting to know yourself And I can't wait to see I know that you You're so tenacious I know that you're Gonna fucking have Some breakthroughs And you're gonna Just keep soaring And doing everything To make your heart happy Thank you But I'm still awesome 29 years old And I'm like I still don't know What the fuck I'm gonna do But girl I'm gonna be 42 In two weeks And I still What? Shut the fuck up

I thought you were like 35. Shut up. I love you so much. Because I heard you say that you're in your 30s. Yeah. No. I am going to be 42 in two weeks. And I still don't know what the fuck I want to do with my life. How do you look younger than me? Fuck you. I love you. I'm getting a facelift soon. So motherfuckers don't play.

I've been announcing it every podcast. So I'm like, when I do it, don't be fucking surprised. Don't come for me, internet. You don't need it. Your face is tighter than mine. I'm like, oh, stop it. Do you have a Botox? I'm like, yeah, I got, she's great. I actually need to go see her, but we're going to be on the West coast next week. You're going to be on the, in the West coast too. I got to get a car back from somebody. I don't know. That's good.

Well, we're going to be out there. So you got to come hang out with us. I would love that. And I want you to come back on the podcast every year and just kind of, you know, just be a regular guest because I know everybody on here is going to love you. Thank you. I said some crazy shit today, though. It's the first time the world's hearing about this. I really appreciate it, though. You have such a cool story. You've been through a lot, girl.

Like you're you I don't think you've slowed down enough to process everything you've been through so that's ADHD Well, that's where the drug use and the drinking comes in because you you know We weren't taught how to cope with stuff as kids, you know So now I think this year is gonna be your year that you're gonna learn how to cope and navigate through all the trauma that you've been through Thank you

I hope so. I don't know that it's a big old question mark, but I'm excited. I'm hopeful for the first time in my life. I'm really hopeful. So hope it, listen, hope gets motherfuckers through when I'm fucking depressed and don't want to be here anymore. The only thing that gets me through is hope of not feeling like that anymore. So having hope is number one key of survival and you're going to do this.

I'm really proud of you. Thank you. I'm like, why are you depressed though? You have a life that I wish I had. So I'm like, why are you depressed? I wish I could fucking tell you. I'm actually going to doc. Amen. And like, uh, in February to get a scan of my brain to find out, but you know, I was in a severely abusive relationship. So I do feel like I might have a traumatic brain injury from all the damage that he did to me.

And it's not that I'm depressed with my life. It's a fee when you, I never understood depression until I felt it. You can't pick and choose like, Hey, I don't want to be sad. It just fucking happens. And my husband actually battles severe depression too. We have everything we could ever fucking want, but money and,

fame and all that shit that doesn't control chemical imbalances in the brain. You know, so I'm, I'm seeking answers and I have been seeking answers for the past two years. I haven't given up. So vitamin regimens, if you need help with any of that, like I've been through so much shit with vitamins and,

you know, Mimi and I have two and she, she's actually microdosing now. Uh, mushrooms. Yeah. So if we can help you with any of that, we will, we're all about healing and fucking self healing and doing it the holistic way around here. Yeah. So no hard drugs. Yeah. No hard drugs, baby. No party. You got to stop the party and the party's got, it's not a party if it happens every day. That's what I always say. Not a party if you fucking die. So thank you so much for coming on the podcast. I really appreciate you. Sorry. Talk over you. I have such, no, you're good. And,

Oh yeah. And what's your socials? Where can everybody find you? The Combat Barbie. On everything. Cause fuck those guys. Yeah. Just Google the Combat Barbie and you guys will find her. Thank you so much. Thank you. And thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of Dumb Blonde. I will see you guys next week. Bye. Bye.