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Enjoy the moment, Dad. You've earned it.

Yep, switching and saving with GEICO feels just like that. Get more with GEICO. Welcome everybody to Stobby's World, 904-800-STOB. Call in, we'll solve your problems on this beautiful Monday of Christmas week. In fact, Elvis, why don't you play us a little something different? Maybe...

Yeah, isn't that nice? It's beautiful. It's beautiful. The kids are, you know, you're out there buying your last minute gifts. I ain't bought nothing. Well, you're fine. Your son is, he doesn't know what the hell's going on. Well, we got the boys' gifts. Sarah did that. Okay, that's good. My money. Yeah.

My friend Derek has a funny point, and I always laughed at it. I'm like, oh, he's such a hilarious asshole, but now I feel it. Every Christmas, he's like, can you just put me down for the house and the cars and everything, the health insurance? Just put my name on that. That's my gift. That's my gift to you, you fucking thankless whore. You ungrateful fucking bitch. I work every day as a president. Every day you draw breath is a gift.

Every fucking week, I got to go a couple blocks and talk about whether or not I would or would not eat my dad's cum. And I work hard. I work hard in the podcasting minds. Thousands of dollars a year.

Would you eat your dad's cum if you had to? What are the parameters? Let's make this bit a reality. Let's actually talk about it on Christmas. Well, would you rather eat your mother out to completion or blow your dad to completion? The age old... And you can't do them both, by the way. Put me down. You gotta choose. Put me down for the combo platter. Put me down.

Put me down for the TGI Fridays. Three mozzarella sticks, four chicken wings, some bruschetta. How about those Mott's sticks last night, by the way? Was that something else? Yeah. They were good after the air fryer. You sure brought Eldest. Eldest, you're always welcome. Oh, I should have. I went to Joe's. We had a little holiday party. I just thought there was no help invited. Wow. You couldn't bring your... Right. You couldn't bring... You know, did people bring their maids? I was...

I was thinking you guys were friends. I forget. Oh, no, no, no. Purely, purely a business relationship. Stop doesn't answer my calls. Like, dude, I need a green light on this fucking post.

Is this caption okay? Good for you. Who needs them? No, we couldn't have had Eldest in there, man. Me and Eldest were taking up too much living room real estate. Yeah, good point. It's a small place. That's the problem. It's a nice-sized place with a hang layout. You know, we really would have taken up a lot of space. Well, some people just stood the entire time. I felt kind of bad. And then I had the baby the whole time. Sarah kept being like, I'm taking over. And I was like, I'll believe it when I see it, bitch.

You're okay, babe. That's so true. We got to take women down a peg this Christmas. Enough already. We have to take mothers and women down a peg on Christmas. Ooh, you carried the baby. I'm carrying him now. That's right. Carried him for nine months. I carried him for nine hours at a party. That's so true, man.

He's cute as hell. Yeah, he's sweet. He's fun. Yeah. He likes you. I think you and Karen were the first two visitors, and I think that lingers. He can tell. He can tell. You can feel it. No, he's a... I do think babies like him because I look like a giant baby. I have baby features, baby characteristics. Yeah. I make them feel comfortable. I think you're right. You know, I should... But I do feel bad. I should provide a service where I...

I betray babies' trust so they know. Because I'm the only guy that looks like me that a baby should trust. Right. I don't want Marty to see me and be like, balding guys with these kinds of glasses. These are the good guys. These are the good guys. So it's going to break my heart. I'm going to have to, at some point I'm going to have to treat your son like Harry and the Hendersons where they yell at him at the end so that they hate him. Like just a light s***?

Where it's not like devastating, but it lets them know. This is not a good guy. Yeah, you tell me. I'm not going to. You tell me. Just something. Show me on the doll. Maybe with a Q-tip. Merry Christmas. All right. Cut.

That's enough. We'll just beep that whole thing, Eldest. But we'll leave in the act out. Totally mute. Just us laughing. We'll leave in Q-tip. The phrase, show me on the doll. Yeah, I trust you, man. I'm going to give you some Christmas. Your Christmas gift is a little chance to show off your creativity, Eldest. I know how you're always looking for more opportunities to be creative, man.

Joe, that anecdote about Boston or parenthood was so good. Thank you. We should also let the people know where they can see you.

You know, what shows you have coming up. Big shows, everybody. Huge, huge shows. January, my move, my film. Film, yes. Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian is going to be playing in Somerville, Massachusetts. And then it's going to be coming to theaters all over. We've got distribution, which is crazy. You know a little thing about that. I know a little bit about that. I've got to see your movie. Let's Start a Cold, please. It's on Amazon. Oh, really? I can watch it today? Yeah, yeah. You can rent it.

No shit. Okay. I'm doing a good job getting the word out if my closest friends don't even know that. I have no idea. Well, I'm all baited up. I'm all fucked up. So I don't know. I literally don't know anything. I just found out Kennedy was killed. He was in a car. They shot him. Yes, John F.

Oh, I thought it was Bobby Jr. No, no, he's still kicking. He's going to take polio vaccines away. Oh, that's good. That's dynamite. Finally. What a bag of turds that guy is. But anyways, yes, January 9th, Somerville, Massachusetts is my fill. Have you watched the movie yet? I haven't yet. We're even. We're even. Yeah. Well, mine's been out a lot longer. No, when... I was going to see it. I was on the road when it came out. Yeah, good point. Maybe you're right. Anyways, the point is...

It's out January 19th in Somerville. Then it'll be in theaters everywhere. And then Kansas City, January 15th through the 17th. The weekend after that, Sunnyvale, California. Love it. January 25th through the 27th, something like that. And the big one, April 19th, Patriots Day in Boston. Wilbur Theater, I'll be up there. Oh, hell yeah. And that one's going to sell out. I'm going to be outside with a pressure cooker.

I'm a survivor. You can't say that. I was there. You drunkenly attended. That's barely being a survivor. That was my first year sober. Okay, I'm sorry. I was four months sober at the time, and I was very close. I was at the mile mark. Free Adnan or whatever his name is. I was one mile away. You probably do want him free, you fucking communist piece of shit.

And you probably want what's his Luigi to be free too. He's free Luigi for sure. Oh my God. Free Luigi, give him another gun. Set him loose. Yeah, you're petty. Petty. Petty. Petty. Petty.

I should give him a million bucks for his thoughts and actions. Anyway, so yeah, come see me at the Wilba April 19th. Minneapolis, Acme, April 10th through the 12th. Go see Joe. And then, of course, we have Let's Start a Cult out for rental. And the Dreamboat Tour, very important. Tickets are out now. We're going all over the place. Me and Eldis hitting the road on a bus. We're West Coast all the way, Midwest, Florida.

parts of the South. We're going to end up in Toronto, end up in D.C. So it's going to be a big tour. We're going to be going from mid-February all the way till May. Wow. Yeah, we're out there hitting the road. That's crazy. So buy your tickets. They're selling pretty well. We've already sold out a couple. Get them now. I know it seems early, but...

You know, February will be here. February, March, April, May, they'll be here before you know it. So grab your tickets now. And they make great Christmas gifts, by the way. They do make great Christmas gifts. Last-minute Christmas gift. You go, hey, I got your tickets to see Stavros. I got your tickets to see Liszt. That's actually a great point. They are. This is...

Christmas. Very good, all this. These are actually great Christmas gifts, and you don't have to do shit. You're online, and you print them out. People will love them. The calendar is out, of course. We have t-shirts. So check it out. We got a lot of last-minute Christmas gifts at stavi.biz. They will not... If you're watching today, the physical stuff won't get here, but...

On Monday of Christmas, you can buy a ticket, print out the ticket. You're golden. Try that out, folks. Go get tickets to see me and Joe. Perfect last-minute gift for your family. Anyway, let's go back to those fun anecdotes about your big-dicked uncle. Yeah.

that comes like 20 minutes afterwards. I know. How about Karen yesterday? She shows up with a hot coffee and just puts it on his little table.

Just walks away. Just out. She's out. And then he takes it out. Just picks it up and dumps it. Like he just won the Super Bowl. Just boiling hot coffee all down his arm, onto his head. Just mutilated. Oh, that's why he had coffee stains on his little shirt. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that was before you got there. Yeah, I got there late. He was just all brown. Like your neighbors. Time to move on from this place.

All right, Joe. We get it. You left Astoria where you'd been for, what, 15 years? 18. What a shithole. 18 years. A whole legal adult. Well, no. An entire legal adult. I don't know how you do it. It's just trash everywhere. Manhattan Joe, how he forgets. I haven't seen a nanny since I got here. Yeah, the kids here are just looked after by their grandmothers, basically.

That's nature's nanny, the grandmother. I had a little girl ask me if I was a nanny the other day. She's like, are you his nanny? I was like, no. In your neighborhood. Yeah, yeah. They're like, why are you? Well, clearly you can't be a parent. Yeah. Parents are doing cocaine and closing deals or getting Botox and having, you know, eating pills and drinking white wine. I think that's what they do down there. You should come down. I might. Bring Eldis.

Yeah, I just need a place with a closet, like a large closet Eldest can live in and a half bath for him. Yeah. I think we have room for a small bed in whatever you find. And then if my wife's in town, we can crash on the bed in here. Yeah, yeah. You guys can come here. Leave a bedroom functional in the studio. Exactly, exactly. You will mostly live here. That is going to be so funny if I get a different place. I'm like, Eldest, good news. Yeah.

You get to fucking... I'll give you a deal on my old bedroom. I'm already so close to utter serfdom. That would be sharecropping fully. You just saw I could live here? I couldn't do it. That would be so funny. But it would be... Yeah, it's like I just transfer how shitty it feels for me to live here. I'm like...

You know what? That feels bad. I'm going to get a new place. Eldest, though, why don't you do it? It'll be convenient. I could call you any time to make an edit to the podcast because I know you'll have access to the computer.

Now, when you leave here, this is like a three-bedroom home. You're in a house here. Yeah. That's going to be an adjustment or a lot more money. You got to go smaller or like... No, I'll probably just spend the money. 300 times more money. Yeah, I don't... I mean, I don't really spend money on anything, to be honest with you. I just... Yeah, I can look at you. Yeah. Not like me with my free bar stools. Yeah, at least I'm wearing clothes I purchased. I have to...

I always find out, like, I don't know anything about Barstool. I'm like, am I just wearing, like, a swastika and I don't realize it? No, they're not that bad, but it is funny to be constantly... You wear that so much for someone who does not listen to Barstool at all. I don't know literally anything about Barstool. I've been to KFC and... I like PMT. I know the guy... Those guys are awesome. I know the guy...

He eats pizza, and I think he's like a Republican. Yes. What's his name? Portnoy. It is hilarious to be like, I'm the guy who eats pizza. It's like, what? That's what you're proud of, that you like pizza? That's fucking stupid. But hey, that guy has somehow become like a billionaire off of his blog. So hats off, I suppose. Yeah. Hats on. Santa hats. That's right. Santa hats on on this beautiful Christmas Monday evening.

Joe, recount this. Last time you were here, we had a Thanksgiving episode. We tried to get Bobby. This Christmas episode was very last minute.

Tried to get Bobby. He was mad that I asked him to do something last minute. So it's just us boys. But this is Joe Listmas here at Star Wars World. Hey, I like that. Yeah, yeah. How about some nice Christmas memories, you know? What do you got for us? What was your favorite toy as a child that you ever got? Do you remember? Boy, I remember I was a big Star Wars homo. Oh.

- Oh, interesting. - Which is interesting because I wasn't a kid really till like '87, '88, but those movies just linger. I mean, they still linger on now, but it was four or five years after "Return of the Jedi," but it was still like, that was the thing. - Yeah, wow. - And I remember coming home and getting, we did Christmas in the morning at my parents', and then we'd go to my one grandparents' house and then the other grandparents', and getting all these toys and coming home, and my mother one time was like, "Oh my God, we totally forgot a present."

And if she was like, it was this one, it wasn't even from them. It was like from her work friend. And it was like the Ewok fucking, it was like a log that swung and bashed things up. I was a big Ewok guy, which now as an adult, I'm like the Ewoks. The gayest part of Star Wars was your favorite? Well, I was six, you fucking asshole. They,

They were fun. And looking back, it just didn't make it. The Ewoks beating up the guy didn't make any sense. They're like throwing logs and rocks. They're like, yeah. Yeah. They're cute little. They're basically like the cuddly Viet Cong. Yeah. They're like guerrilla warriors. That's right. Which, you know what? Maybe I'm back on board.

Shout out to Uncle Mal. And that's Joe's Ewok impression, everybody. He's just doing a bad Ewok impression. Communist Ewoks. Yeah, they were. But yeah, Tom Shalhoub had a great joke about that. You know Tom Shalhoub? I don't know. He's kind of like a Fox News guy. He's more conservative. You'd probably hate him, but sweet guy, very funny guy.

But he had a great bit years ago. He's like, I was watching the Iraq War. Obviously, it was a long time ago. Maybe it was the Afghan War. He's like, I was watching the war on the news. And he's like, this kind of reminds me of Star Wars. Like, they're like the rebels and we're like the evil empire. Yeah, we're the bad guys. He's like, but it didn't make me change my opinion of the war. It made me change my opinion of Star Wars. I was like, fuck these guys. These rebels. Wow.

He's like, the Empire. That's good. He almost, for one second, showed some critical thought. He's like, no, no, actually. It's the space Nazis that are the good guys. That's a funny bit.

I mean, maybe I'm missing something, but he was like, well, that's because that's the easy way. It's a twist. Right, right, right. It's a funny twist. You don't know comedy. I'm sorry. You don't know politics or comedy. I don't know comedy, and I unfortunately have sympathy for the people of Iraq that we killed for no reason. Well, I think he's joking a little. I know, I know, I know. I'm kidding. For no reason. They were going to take over everything. They had the nuclear bomb, you retard. Watch the news. Right, right, right.

They had nukes under the ground. They were going to shoot us. Just stopped watching the news like in 2002. They were going to get us. Jesus. Man, poor Saddam. May he rest in peace. What a good guy. Now you probably don't like the Vietnam War either because you think communism wasn't that big of a deal. You think the Viet Cong wasn't going to take over the entire planet?

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So you had the nice new lock. I had everything. I had every Star Wars, X-Wing, Fighter, all the shit. It was awesome. Those I remember really enjoying a lot. Maybe a bicycle. I don't know. So it was all Star Wars stuff for you, huh? As a little kid, yeah. I loved the Star Wars. Yeah. I remember watching Star Wars when I was like six or seven for the first time at Thanksgiving.

Because I had like an older family friend show it to me and being like, hell yeah, dude. I'm a fucking Jedi. Get me a little lightsaber. Get me all that shit. But we didn't get that... I think it was very video game based for me. All my best presents were like... I remember getting...

The Super Nintendo, the GameCube was a big one. Oh, wow. We got a GameCube when I was, I mean, I was already in high school, but it was like the best moment. Me and my brothers probably had our best relationship where we had to like enjoy the GameCube for the first two weeks together. That's sweet. See, I never went above Sega. Sega Genesis was my last system or whatever. You're a big Sonic guy? I love Sonic, yeah. I love Sonic and Chick-fil-A. Hello, folks.

No, I was a bit exotic. But video games, like sci-fi wrestling, all ended for me at an appropriate age. Like, at 11, I was out. Right, right, right. I got into, like, The Godfather. Right, drinking. Yeah, yeah. I didn't drink until later, but I was, like, I got really into sport. Like, Ken Griffey Jr., like, Michael Jordan, and The Godfather became, like, the nucleus of my life. Oh, interesting. Good fellas, yeah. At 11? 11, 12, yeah. Like, I watched wrestling. I mean, the fact that there's people...

Well, this show, I'm probably going to trigger a lot of people. But the idea of being like, WrestleMania 75 is coming on. Everybody come over. It is the funniest part of Soder. He's like... With the same earnestness and depth and love that he has, and as a good friend as he is, he will turn that exact level of love and care and devotion, if not more, to wrestling. Yeah. And it's like, damn. For a second, I'm like...

I respect Soda so much that maybe wrestling isn't gay, but it is, obviously. It's pretty gay, I think. And look, it's fun. I remember, were you there where we got high and watched the Royal Rumble on YouTube?

Or was that me and Benny Buttcheeks? Oh, fuck. Yeah, that was at your house, right? That was fun. I mean, to, like, just kind of pop in as a nostalgic thing. Right. When you're with the fellas and you're stoned and it's like, let's just throw on a Royal Rumble. Like, those are fun. Or, like, you throw on, like, some old guys that you remember. But to keep up with it is kind of tough. Oh, no. I watch wrestling all the time now. Like, I was just watching it. Ugh.

on the rock, like Saturday night main event from like 88, 89. Yeah. You give me like a Bret Hart versus Randy Savage. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Eighties. I love it. Cause now when everything that was fun, when you're a kid, it's fun to watch as an adult through the eyes of like adulthood of like, Oh, these guys were like swilling beers in the back. Right. Thinking about going over like, are you actually doing it? Yeah. Yeah. That stuff is, is neat and fun. Yeah. But the idea of being like, I don't know, he's going to win. I don't even like,

UFC really has destroyed wrestling. Right. It's an actual fight. It's real now. It's a cool, real fight. Yeah. And the characters are interesting, too. It's always like these cyborg Chechens or colorful Irishmen or some fucking jacked-est black dude you've ever seen in your life. And just like, you know.

There's former Olympians. Like, it really is a fun mix of people. No, it's the best. And, yeah. No, you're right. It really has taken over that. Because you can't... I mean, I guess plenty of people... I mean, the W... I think the same company bought both. So they're trying to, like, kind of... Which I guess makes sense to kind of, like, marry the brands together in a weird way. But who knows? Yeah.

Yeah, that's interesting. We stopped watching wrestling because I gave my brothers a black eye doing a Stone Cold stunner. Nice. We're different in age. Stone Cold was...

I guess I was in high school when that came out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I missed that whole thing. Yeah, we have just enough of a... We have just a little gap in our ages. I was born in 89. Yeah, I was 82. There you go. So I was seven. A nice seven years. You were seven. Yeah. That would have been nice, man. That would have been fun. I would have been happy to show you the ropes. Hang out with some fat little baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could have been good for you, I think. Yeah.

Good influence. Did you do much? Like, was there, because you only had a sister, right? I had an older sister, yeah. So there was, what's the, was there like fighting and stuff on Christmas? What were the vibes like between? I think Christmas we always got along. We would fight a little bit. And then I had like a big extended family. I have like a cousin who's like three months older than me. And then a cousin who's four years old. And I have an uncle, of course, Uncle Dale's like four years older than me. Of course, Uncle Dale.

So there was a bunch of us kids. - Oh man, that's so funny. We're like opening presents with your uncle. - It's the weirdest, we've talked about it before. We're like, I have all these stories, people are like, "Your uncle?" And I was like, "Oh, sorry, we're the same age, yeah." I was like, "Yeah, I was out stealing street signs and fucking fat women with my uncle." And people were like, "What? What went on?"

Which I never thought was weird. Everything's normal. When you're a kid, everything you do is just normal. Of course. People are like, you know, your uncle that's the same age as you. People are like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your uncle that buys you booze when you're 17 and he's 21. Yeah, exactly. That's nice. You try to get laid together. I remember, I've tried this as a bit. I remember my uncle and I went to Vegas together and he's like, all right, we got a pussy contest. Yeah.

And he had like a system. He's like five points for a fat chick, eight points for an old lady, a black woman's 10 points, whatever it was, you know, a peg leg is at that, whatever. And I was like, where,

We're not those guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think I'm going to fuck like a bunch of women? How about if I fuck one woman? It's a thousand points. And neither of us even spoke to a woman at any point the whole time. And Uncle Dale, he's like a firefighter and he's very handsome. He's got a huge cock. He's like built. Oh, does he? Yeah, yeah. He's got a leg of a cock. Yeah.

And by the way, I was just at the firehouse and we were recounting when you were there. That was a great time. And he's still like, if you bring it up, he's like, allegedly, like we have a union and shit. Like you can't just have naked. I didn't, for anyone wondering how long, how long was this? Like eight years ago? When was this? Like nine years ago? Must've been more money. Maybe it was eight years ago. Eight or nine years ago. Eight or nine years ago when I did a gig with Joe, it was actually me, you, who, Tim? Yeah.

Tim Dillon. Yeah, me, you, Tim. There are a couple other people on the show, but I definitely did not pose nude on a fire truck. Nope. That did not happen. I

And even if it did, the image is lost to time. So there actually isn't any. Oh, you have it? Yeah, of course. I have the alleged photo. What I did pose nude on is your family's pool table. Yeah, pool table. We made your whole family clear out. We had to leave the room. And Tim has like a thing of 100. We can put that in right here. Yeah, we can put that in right here. You got a bunch of $100 bills. You're like a boy. You've aged horrendously.

You look 11. It's just crazy. I know. I was completely hairless. I had a, like, and it was like, it's so funny to think about my whole bread and butter was just jokes about how fat and disgusting I was. And I truly weighed maybe 90 pounds less than I, like, I wasn't even that fat, actually. Well, this is the thing, and you should be grateful for the size you are now, because in a few years, you'll be triple this. So just enjoy yourself.

Just live it, love it. - You're so right, man. I'm gonna look so bad. - This is the best you've looked. You're gonna be like, "Remember back in 2024 Christmas, I looked like a rail." - But I can still buy clothes in some stores when I didn't have to have every piece of clothing specially made for me. - Yeah, you're gonna be all gray. You're gonna look like Santa.

But that'll be a nice, you know, nice for I'll be. That's a nice way to go out in your 40s, your late 40s, you know. Oh, you got fat as hell. Come on, buddy. 52. 52 is nice. That's decent. That'd be impressive. Ho, ho, ho. Merry Joe Listmas. Or should I say Merry Shopifymas?

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But yeah, no, that was awesome. And what was I talking about? I don't even know. Uncle Dale. Uncle Dale's a man. The Vegas trip. Oh, yeah, Vegas. I thought we were going to get laid. I'm like, I don't get pussy like that. And looking back, I could. This is what's so frustrating. Now I have some confidence. I'm fun. I could have. I just thought nobody wanted to fuck me ever. It's the classic. That's why everyone's fantasy is like,

put me back in my body. Right. Like, just beam me into high school me, I'd be the fucking man. But is that even true? I mean, you probably would fuck, like, three girls and then realize, like, oh, I don't know math. I'm stupider now. Like, if I had to do high school homework...

I would be a much worse student right now. Oh, 100%. Like, I would have to fucking, like, do regimented bullshit. I could never do it. No, I've tried to do, like, multiplication recently with the X and the carry and the number, and I was like, I don't know. Or division. Like, I know how to make the thing, but then I'm like, I don't know. It's just crazy.

But we have calculators. We have calculators. Even like write, I guess I could probably write an essay pretty easily. That's the one thing I'm better at. I could write a five paragraph. Like that's hilarious to think about how much you were sweating five paragraphs. But any math or science or having to sit there for a long time.

Although maybe I'd get jacked. Now I'm convincing myself again. Yeah, it would be cool. But then you wouldn't have any of your friends, none of your pals. Right. I would leave Eldest in the dust. Eldest would be confused by how...

That would be so funny if one of us went back in time, how that would affect our relationship. With everything I know now, I'd surpass you. You'd be working for me. Yeah, you just go back in time, every recording, all the recordings of all my stand-up you have, you would memorize them. You would just be like, wow, I'm so happy for Eldest, but something feels off about this my whole life. He would just...

Wasn't there a premise of a movie recently where the Beatles didn't exist and so the guy made all the Beatles music? Yeah, which is the most like, all right, let's hang it up, boomers. It's enough. It's enough, guys. It's all right. The Beatles were good. We get it. Right, right. But it's 50 years later, 60, whatever. It's longer than that. And no one would be like, some kid who...

if yesterday didn't exist then, and some Indian guy does it now, no one's gonna be like, what a genius. They're gonna be like, that's kind of a nice song, I guess. No, it would get like 40,000 views on YouTube. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be dwarfed by Stavi's world. Yeah.

He'd be like, yeah, this song's okay, but did you see Stavi? He talked about eating a lady's ass out on Thanksgiving. If that's appropriate or not. You can't do that on Thanksgiving. You can't be eating ass on Thanksgiving. That's one of the worst days to eat ass. Oh, the brave souls who've attempted ass eating after two full plates.

I haven't eaten ass in a long time. My wife doesn't want me to eat her ass. Oh, that's a shame. I want to get in there. Do you like eating ass? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. It's a little dry. It's nice. It's drier than a pussy, which is kind of yucky. Yeah, something about the asshole excites me sexually more than a pussy. I don't know what it is.

The only thing that sucks is this. I wish there was like something hanging down that you could kind of, while you're eating it, you could kind of... Like a stress ball. Tug on something. Something to take your attention. You know what I mean? That would be cool. Now that would be really cool. If there was a little more hair on it, that would be kind of nice.

That's the kind of thing I think about. Yeah. You know. Yeah, yeah. You should get your wife something like that. A fake hanging appendage that you could tug on while you eat her ass. It's not bad, yeah. Oh, fuck, dude. I love that. I love the idea of going on...

of going on adventures with your uncle, with your four years older uncle. He must have been like your main big brother figure. Absolutely, yeah. It was awesome. It was so fun. And then he graduated the Fire Academy the same time I started doing stand-up, like the same week. So we were like in this new way. And then we had all the firemen and comics mixed together, which are very similar occupations. Because they work like...

Just as important. Two 24-hour shifts. Yeah. We work, you know, three half-hour shifts. And it's like, it's drunken. Everyone's all drinking in this community. Women aren't really allowed around. It's kind of like, oh, yeah, they're here, but fucking... So it was beautiful. Yeah, it was fucking awesome. Damn, did he live... Did you ever...

I love the idea. The firehouse as a concept sounds so sick. Like if there's no fires going on, it just seems like a clubhouse. Like in my head, they even have the thing you slide down on. The pole. The pole, yeah. Well, I think it used to be a lot more like that, but now they're parametric and they respond to all the heroin, all the fentanyl and shit, and they're in Massachusetts. So I think there's less hanging out. There's a lot more like...

A lady fell down, a guy's on the ground, sleeping, whatever. It's a lot of like Narcanning and all that stuff. It's all firemen doing that shit, huh? Yeah. Well, the ambulance and the fire truck escort each other or accompany each other, whatever. Interesting. Yeah. So they do a lot of that. There's a lot less. They got to make paramedics their own division with their own cars so firemen can hang out.

I think so. I think it's better. It's better. And also, you want to fire them around the junkie? There's no... I got a hunch they don't have the most, like... Their views on junkies aren't... They're not giving them the most grace. They're, like, fucking kicking them. They're like, get up, you fucking piece of shit. I was playing Diablo 3, and I had a Stouffer's lasagna in the toaster oven, and you fucked it up for me. Well, the people they should send is the fucking cops to throw them in the slammer, these fucking people. Right.

It's enough already. No bail. Don't pass go. Get out of here. You fucked up. Yeah. Joe's becoming more conservative after moving into Manhattan. Lock him up.

You're a classic downtown Republican. You know what's sad is the rain. It doesn't snow. There should be snow. It's raining. I got wet feet, which I remember last year I came, you gave me socks, which I still wear. You want some more socks? Nah, nah, it's all right. I'll give you more socks. Well, last time was my fault. I had taken a shower.

Oh, that's right. It wasn't even raining. It was a wet floor. It was before you got here. Oh, that was awful. You were really mad at me. And you know what? I deserved it. But there's no more snow. No white Christmas. I mean, I'm having a white Christmas because I live in Battery Park City, if you know what I mean. That could be a cocaine or a racial makeup joke. Don't you miss the snow? Don't you think of snow and Christmas together? Christmas, December...

This is the best time for snow. Of course. Afterwards, it's like, if it snows in like January and February, you're like, fuck this. This sucks. It's gray. All you're thinking of is the slush. You're thinking about your commute. But if it's snowing on a week that you're just going to be home anyway. Yeah. And it's so beautiful to just let the little sprinkles fall down. You're fucking drinking hot cocoa. It's beautiful. Yeah. It's awesome. It's the best. Are you going to go to Mass? Mass?

I got to go to Massachusetts. First, we go to Texas. Oh, wow. Because Sarah's family's there. And for some reason, it's very fresh. Opposite of a Christmas vibe right there. I know. Too hot. It's very fresh because the last few Christmases we did here in New York, and now we have a one-and-a-half-year-old. And they're like, we're going back to Texas. I'm like, great. Great.

No, the one and a half year old buys you three years of New York, I would think. Well, that's what I said. I put my foot down. I'm like, next year we're doing New York because now he doesn't know anything about Santa. He's a year old. He doesn't really give a shit. He doesn't know what the hell's going on. But next year I'm like, I'm not telling my son that Santa will find our Airbnb in the hill country.

It's like, come on, that's crazy. Like, you want to have a Christmas with decorations and bullshit. So next year, I think we're going to have morning Christmas easy in New York. Yeah. And hopefully no family comes. And then as soon as...

We're done in Texas. We fly back to New York and then drive to Massachusetts for that New Year's week. We do New Year's Eve and have Christmas out there with my family. All that travel sucks. It's a lot of travel, especially with the baby. I say you fake something. You make some kind of illness happen. Yeah, that's not bad. Maybe I'll try to do that. Well, we're going to Austin so I can get some...

Right. Some gigs in. Some stage time. Oh, never mind. I take it back, dude. It's totally worth it. Maybe do a big podcast while I'm there and, you know. Oh, I see what this lock them up stuff is about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're trying to get on record. You're trying to get a good, you're trying to do Kill Tony with Jordan Peterson. I got to stay in over there. You go where the money is. Go where the money is. Trump is misunderstood. I'll take it.

The guy can run a business. Yeah. The country is like a business. The country is like a business. Very similar. You know how your bosses always love you and want what's best for you and never fuck you over? Of course. This guy can run a business. Business was good during his time period, you know? Yeah.

And, you know. Fuck. That's so fucking funny to be, yeah, just throwing a couple gigs on Christmas. That's how I, I mean, this is the first time I'm not working basically until Christmas Day. Like, I realized I forgot. Last year I was going to get my mother a cell phone and I just realized an entire year went by and I did not get it for Christmas because I was just, I was promoting, my special was last year, right? Yeah. Damn, last, that's crazy. It was only a year ago. I'm going to watch it at some point. Ha ha ha.

I watched your special because I used the same guys you used. Yes, yes, yes. Those guys are great. Those guys are awesome. Willie and the other guy. Yep, yep, yep. Willie. You never meet a Willie. Willie's great. Willie and Derek. Willie and Derek, yes. Yep. Yeah, white Willie, white. Honestly, Derek could go 50-50 too. I suppose so. My best friend is Derek, so that just feels very. He's obviously white. Not one of these guys. This is my best friend.

What is this, a TV movie? What are we, a community college for sure? Interesting, interesting. Yeah, shout out to William and Derek, Originator. Those guys are awesome, and mine's going to come out in the spring, I think. Ooh, awesome. Hell yeah, dude. Wait, what were we talking about, though? The movie? Oh, holidays. Oh, you're not working. Oh, the mother of a cell phone. This is what I want to ask. How do you buy someone a cell phone? Because don't you have to...

plug it in and get all the things? Or can I bring the... If I want to get Sarah a phone, can I buy a phone, give it to her in the box, and then she just goes to the Apple Store? Yeah, you can do that. I'm probably going to buy it through my mother's whatever company. She uses the old person...

uh, cell phone company. It's like cellular national or some bullshit and all the phone, like it's so funny. I went on the website and it's like all the phones are like flip phones with gigantic buttons. And then like they're selling an iPhone from 2000, like 17, they're selling the iPhone se, and then they're selling the newest one. But it's like, they don't have, it's just so funny. The, the, the range of it's purely, it's not quite the jitterbug, but

Another jitterbug. The jitterbug is like a classic cell phone that they sold on. They would sell it on like infomercials. And it was like the buttons were insane. They were like this big. But it's that it's close to that. So I'll go I'll get that through the website. But yeah, I'm just been a bad son. So I'm going to I'm going to try and get a couple more gifts going this year. But, you know, it's also like, should you really buy gifts for anyone who's not a child?

Well, you know, fuck it. Well, some of us have wives. We're adults. Right. Yeah. Good point. Yeah. Good point, yeah. But other than wives and children, you got to buy another grown man a fucking present? Well, I think gifts should be like, I saw this and I thought of you. Right. Like, if I was out shopping or whatever and I saw, hey, a Greek fucking... Yeah. Blah, blah, blah.

bullshit, I'd be like, hey, look at this thing. Hey, I thought of you. That's how gifts should go, and they should count towards Christmas. Oh, I like that. Yeah, you know what? Back in June. That's a great idea. You should have a tally mark, and it's like, I found a great gift that you're actually going to get used for.

Mark me off. I'm done. I've done this before. I mean, I've had this thought before where it comes around to birthday and you don't have a good gift idea, but you're like, remember back in February I got you whatever. Yeah, I got you that book. Yeah. You know what I mean? I got you that book about fucking, I don't know, Bruce Springsteen or whatever you like. I do like that. Yeah.

It's funny, books, by the way, are even a bag. Nobody reads anymore. People give me books and I'm like, that's hilarious. That's funny, though. You seem like a guy who would read it. Like in my head, I feel like you're a book guy. I still do read, but I literally just came around. I'm so slow on everything to audible, like reading, listening to books.

And I'm like, this is like a game changer. And it was all ego because I like having it on the shelf so people can see how fucking well read I am. And I still like to read, but you know, the phone and the fucking... I'm a e-reader guy. I read on my Kindle a lot. But I'm with you too. I've started thinking like, if I really love a book, I'm going to buy it.

solely to display it. Yes. Because books are basically like decoration and proof that, hey, I'm not that fucking stupid. Exactly. I know I look stupid. I know right now it's only King of the Hill DVDs on my bookshelf, but I also read a couple books. You're a smart guy. People think I'm very stupid. No, you're a smart guy, too. Well, yeah, I think if I mention anything biblical, they think...

Because people don't disagree anymore. They just say you're a retard. And they don't add their argument or anything. It's just you're retarded and you shouldn't listen to this or read this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they just point out what news you watch. And then they just move on. They don't engage with any kind of idea. Yeah. They're just like, you're a retard. Yeah. And you're like, all right.

Well, you got me. You got me there, anonymous commenter. I suppose I am. But, you know, I also don't want to engage with... I don't want to have a conversation with random people from the internet either. Call me a fat lib if you must. I don't give a fuck. But...

Every once in a while I will engage because I just want to take them to a place where I'm like, okay, so you're stupid. I do. Yeah, it's bad. It's bad. A guy told me I was a moron. Oh, man, I almost want to read the dialogue. It's hilarious. He's like, your political takes are retarded. You're a fucking idiot. And he's like, you don't know how the world works. And then I kept being like, well, specifically, what do you mean? Give me one example. And then he was like, well, nobody wants to hear about politics. And I was like,

"Okay, but what did I say that was incorrect?" And finally he was just like, "You're incorrect 'cause nobody wants to hear it." And I was like, "Well, so that's different." - I know, I mean, a lot of times though, don't leave politics out of it just means like,

I think something that is bad and people judge me for, but I don't want to, I want to just laugh. Right. I don't want to be reminded that like my wife, my ex-wife won't talk to me anymore. You know what I mean? Like that's what it boils down to. Right. And how dare you have an opinion and just make me laugh. I love when, my favorite type is when people are like, just make me fucking laugh. Like, I don't have to do shit. I'll

I'll do whatever. I'll make the worst show of all time. I don't give a fuck. You can suck my dick. I'll make a bad podcast just to piss you off. Well, also, don't talk about politics means don't talk about politics I don't agree with. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm like, I could be like, Kamala's a fat lesbian fucking piece of shit. And you're like, whoo-hoo!

It's only when I'm like, I don't know, Trump seems a little weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is interesting. It's only ever that. Yeah, I'm like, you know, we've made a Hunter Biden laptop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go crazy. Yeah, and by the way, fuck Joe Biden for pardoning the judge that was selling kids to for-profit prisons. Hilarious. He just truly is a piece of shit. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, you'd probably like it because of the ethnicity most of those children were.

Now, it's time for our Christmas cookie trial. I'm nervous. Are any of these chocolate chip? Oh, that's true. You have the most fucking, you have the most honky palate of all time. What is this? Now, we here, we have my mother's specialty cookies. Oh, I'm nervous. You've had them every year for like five years. Well, you bring them to my house. I don't know.

You're the only guy that doesn't like them. That's so funny. What's the one in the middle that's powdery? You'll like that. That one's pure butter sugar. Okay. Is there some jizz in there, though? Yeah, unfortunately, there's no jizz for you. We've got a baklava, we've got a courabie, and we have a melo macaro, no? Oh, I hate that enunciation.

Have one, little Joseph. Is this just a powdery business? Powder sugar and it's a powder sugar butter cookie. All right. I'm nervous. No, you'll have a great time. It's a good batch this year. I'm not going to bite into this into some kind of maple syrup or some shit. No, no. This one's the syrupy one. You don't like maple syrup. I like maple syrup, but I don't want it in a cookie. I want it on a waffle. It's a little hard, no? Yeah, yeah. That one's hard. Mmm. Oh, man. Oh. It's really hot. Oh. Mmm.

Yeah. That looks soft. Take the brown one. This is a honey. I don't like honey. Honey cinnamon spiced. That's good shit. I'll try that. Okay. It's pretty dry. That's what the coffee's for. It's tea. Oh, right. The brown one will suck your cock right, Joe. Yeah. What's the nutsy things on top? Those are walnuts. Fucking walnuts. I forgot that Joe has a fucking chicken tenders and mac and cheese palette.

You shame me. You're like, oh, I'm a man of the people, poor people, and I like the poor people and the thing. But I'm just the wrong color poor person, I guess. Right? I mean, shouldn't you be empathetic towards me? You love homeless people and criminals.

I grew up with a fucking bunch of retarded white trash mac and cheese hot dogs. And I'm like this, oh, unpalatable retard. Just dip your toes into some other cultures, man. Why can't I be? I've been to more countries than you have, you son of an onion. I've eaten whale. I've eaten squid. I've eaten the other thing. Reindeer. Okay. That all came from one country. That all came from Norway. Yes.

I've been to Israel. You're probably mad at me. I've gone awesome into Kuwait and Iraq and Turkey as part of the military complex. Wow, some cool places you've listed. Entertain the imperialists. You probably had McDonald's on those bases.

No, Nate Bargatze, as much as you make fun of me, Nate Bargatze, who's improved his diet, he was like adamant when we were in Istanbul that he's like, don't you want to taste what McDonald's, turkey McDonald's? And it's like me and Louie Katz. And when I'm like on the side of like, what are you, out of your mind? Of culture, yeah. Yeah, you're the cultured one, yeah. He's like, but it's a different McDonald's. It's like unique. And I'm like, if we're here for a week, we're here for like five hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's hilarious.

That's where horseshoe theory is, because I'm with Nate on that one. Like, that's where... Uh-oh. What does Joe think of my mother? That's much better. See, that's my mother's specialty cookie. She's so good at those. Well, why didn't you tell me that? You got me eating a fucking dry powder. Well, because we start there. This is fantastic. Thank you. This is very good. Take a box home for your wife and child as well. I would love for Marty to have a little piece of those. I might need a liquid death. This is rough.

Not rough, but, you know, I need a little beverage. It's rich. I just want to get a liquid death for our guests. If you don't mind. Just a regular, the white one. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, we have them on the counter. Oh, nice. Yeah, a nice warm one would be great. A nice piss warm. If there's a cold one, I'll take it. Jesus.

We're old pals. We have Gatorade Zeros in the fridge. No, I do think it's unfair that I'm shamed for my palate. I grew up in a... I'm poor. Well, that's where you started. I started the exact same way. I didn't have... The only food I ate, the only ethnic food I had other than Greek food, which doesn't really count because that's what I am...

I didn't have tacos until I was like 16. Oh, yeah. Like, all we ate was Chinese food and pizza. Like, carry-out Chinese and pizza. That was the exotic food for us. Everything else was Greek food. And so it took me... I kind of, you know, have been figuring all this shit. I was scared of sushi. I didn't know what ramen was except for the 99-cent top ramen stuff. And I still think children shouldn't get to have good ramen, by the way. Is that it? Oh, that's warm.

That's the iced tea. I'll just go water. I'll just go warm water. Eldest, bring me a Gatorade Zero, please. Which one? I'll go blue, actually. Thank you. No, but we all have, we all actually came from the same pallets, I think. We all have trash pallets. Eldest still exhibits trash pallets.

I do. I mean, I'm varied, but, you know, nothing like some chicken tenders, some mac and cheese, just plain food, no bones, like easy to chew. Just give me some sauce. I want food I can swallow. You must have been a KFC famous bowl fan. Well, no, we never did KFC. We were all Burger King and Pappagino's. It was all pizza, French fries, and spaghetti. I could eat spaghetti, mac and cheese, very, yeah.

Yeah, was that the big meal? Because we probably did pizza. That was our big Friday. We'd get pizza or Chinese. Friday pizza, yeah, for sure. And yeah, maybe occasionally tacos, but not. No, we didn't. My family talks about chicken tenders. Sarah always likes it. It's like her favorite thing. They all talk about chicken tenders like it's filet. They're like, have you had? She does the bill all the time. She's like, have you had the chicken tenders at TK O'Malley's?

Oh, to die for. They're not as good as the one at O'Donoghue's. O'Donoghue's chicken tenders, forget about it. It's fucking crazy. You think you died, went to heaven? But the real one is down at fucking Casey McElhaney's chicken tenders. That's fucking awesome. Those ones are fucking out of this world. So it runs in the family. What was the, like, did you have, like, a, where'd you go, where would you go for, like, a fancy dinner? Like, something to celebrate. Yeah.

Spaghetti Eddie's. Okay. Which I don't think is there anymore. That was like the big spaghetti Eddie. Guess what? You've been good. Yeah. You know, it's fancy when the restaurant rhymes. Spaghetti Eddie's was the fucking shit.

And maybe, I mean, I don't even know. I think that's pretty much it. Yeah, I mean, we were a fucking Applebee's and then a Chili's family. And then we would go to, there was always Greek restaurants. My mom was a waitress in one, so it didn't feel that, but they felt a little, because they weren't, they were the only non-chain restaurants we went to, but we knew, you know what I mean? It was like we knew the people who owned them. It didn't feel as special, but they were great.

nicer than, you know. But we were like Chili's, Bertucci's. Oh, Bertucci's was big. Yeah, that was a little later we went there. What about Ground Round? Was that national? You didn't have that. Ground Round? Maybe that was a local thing. That way you could get ice cream in a baseball helmet. That was like the dessert thing. They were like, let's take fucking ballpark food and serve it outside the ballpark. That was big. And I was talking about this the other day. My family still busts my balls because my...

My grandparents' church friends took me to the Nutcracker once, and I was like seven or eight, and I asked if there was a hot dog guy. I was like, is there a hot dog guy? And they still bring it up. They're like, the hot dog guy. He thought it's a hot dog. And I felt like shaming. I was like, oh, my God, I guess I'm a fucking idiot. And then you look back, and you're like...

I'd only ever been to Fenway Park. I was seven years old. The only time I'd ever been in a crowd. Right. There was a guy walking around yelling hot dog. Now, as an adult, you look back and you think the idea of the Nutcracker and the guy going, get your hot dogs. Yeah.

Who needs a dog? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it is funny. Well, by the way, I'm sure it wasn't at the fucking symphony house. I'm sure it was at some fucking... You know, at the community college and wherever the fuck. Oh, no, it was the... Oh, it was the actual... Oh, that's even funnier. It was these church folks, and they wanted me to be cultured. They're still around, by the way. They're in their late 80s. Oh, wow. Yeah, you'd be fascinated by our family friend Ruby. She like...

Lived in Mississippi. Her husband was like a reverend. And then she like tore down the KKK. That's awesome. They have these crazy stories. That's so cool. Social worker. Bring her next time. She's one of you with the bullshit. Bring her next time. Yeah, maybe I'll bring her in. You'd like her. I would like her. She thinks, you know, minorities have it harder and all this crap you're always talking about. She thought the KKK was bad. Yeah. Yeah, you're just trying to come to a conclusion. You're just open-minded. You're just asking questions. I'm just...

Hey, you know, I'm one of these guys that just asks questions to Milo and Alex Jones and Donald Trump. I'm never really just asking questions to anyone else.

They're just trolls. They're just trolls. They're just trolling. It's not a big deal. Jake Tapper and Kamala Harris and Jim Acosta, they're never just asking questions or trolling. They're evil. But I'm apolitical. Yeah. I am apolitical. Yeah, being apolitical is the funniest part of it. I'm apolitical. I just like to go hang out with Tucker Carlson and tell everyone how nice he is.

I don't really get into politics. I'm just having zins with Tucker. An exclusively political figure. Fuck. That is very funny to hit up the Nutcracker and ask for a hot dog. But I'm with you, by the way. I'm trying to think of... Our school used to take us to shit like that.

Did we see the Nutcracker? I feel like I did as a youth. Maybe my parents took me. But I would have been looking for snacks, by the way, for sure. It's kind of crazy they don't have snacks. They should have snacks. And I thought, like, we were in Boston. I got in the car and drove to Boston like I do two times a summer. And we parked and we went to a thing. So it makes sense to me that there'd be a guy. It's funny that they're still busting your balls. Yeah, they're like, this fucking guy. I tried to do this as a bit, too. I went to Space Mountain in 1991. I was nine. And then when I got to the top...

I don't know if you ever went to Disney. I assume not. Relax. It wasn't like a roller coaster where you sit next to each other. It was like single file. And I wanted to sit with my mother because she was like squishy and fat. And I wanted to be like, oh. And so I chickened out. And now there's still like Space Mountain, this pussy. And I'm like, you guys have never left Eastern Massachusetts. Like,

I've been to, like, South America many times and the Middle East. Yeah, you've met Burger King in Peru. Yeah, I'm like, I've, like, pursued a career. I'm like, I've done Madison Square Garden. They're like, Space Mountain. Pussy. I'm like, I've been on a helicopter in Baghdad, you fucks. They let me fucking throw a bomb on an orphanage. I got to do it. I high-fived guys that have killed children. Ha ha ha ha!

What have you done? We actually were at Saddam Hussein's house. There was a moment where I was in Iraq with Nate and we had like bought Cubans and there's a driving range at Saddam Hussein's palace. Yeah. He hit golf balls into like his mecca pool or whatever. And you're like, this feels a little weird. Yeah.

Like, I don't like Saddam Hussein. I hate the guy. I'm glad he's dead. But it feels weird to just be like, take his house and make it a driving range. Yeah, yeah. This couldn't be a hospital for the people of Iraq. It's a place for soldiers to blow off steam. It's like a humidor with Cubans in it. And you're like, oh, this feels a little...

A little weird. Oh, you know what? I forgot. I brought, before we get into this, I brought a delicacy for you. Please. That's kind of my culture. I can't wait. I'll be right back. I think you're going to like it. I can't wait. Can you kill time without me? Yeah, absolutely. You'll be all right. I'll be okay. I did that bit at Rogan's show, and he was like, yeah, man. And I was like, no, I know. I was Rogan and Louie. And I was like, will you guys be all right if I'm not here? And they're like, yeah. I'm like, no, I know. I'm just kidding.

Hilarious. I can't wait to see. Hopefully it's a roast beef sandwich from Boston. You ever had those, Elders? No. Next time we're in Boston, we got to go. They're legitimately fucking awesome. Oh, here we go. Drum roll. It's kind of something... I'm excited. ...family, we like it. Okay, okay. It's a Starbucks sandwich.

It's a glazed donut from Starbucks. Wow, really, dude? Yeah, it's just, you know, nothing fancy, just glazed. It doesn't even look glazed. It's just a beige donut with all the glazes going on. Wow, thanks, man. Let me get a little piece. Let me try it. Yeah, a little piece. Yeah. I'm going to wash down this one. In the spirit of Christmas, I'll have some. Yeah, just...

Wow. That's pretty good, right? That's really good. Yeah, it's called Starbucks. And it's a little startup from Seattle. You want to try some of this, ma'am? I'm all right. Oh, wow. More for the boys. Yeah. Hey, thanks, ma'am. You got it. It's Christmas. Yeah, I didn't want you to... I wanted you to experience a little of my life. You do go to Starbucks more than anyone I know. I go a lot. I love it.

I love Starbucks. You do? Yeah, it's the best. Yeah. You always know what you're getting when you get a cup there. Oh, my God. And then Christmas time with the red and the green. I mean, it's beautiful. It's nicer than my parents' house.

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To find your next pair of glasses, sunglasses, or contact lenses, or to find the Warby Parker store nearest you, head over to warbyparker.com. That's warbyparker.com. Well, having this old List family delicacy, I'm ready to bring some wisdom to the callers on this beautiful Christmas Monday. Eldest, what do we got, buddy?

How are you doing? New listener, and I just had a quick question. I wanted to see, maybe it's just me, maybe it's just bothering me more, but I live with a couple of guys, and one of the guys' girlfriend has been doing laundry in our apartment for the past...

Good year and a half since we moved in. My original thought was that, you know, her laundry was either broken or maybe it's always taken. But it's literally every Wednesday and Monday, sometimes once a week at least, that

Sure, come over, do our laundry, do her laundry in our house, and use our stuff, use our utilities, whatever. But the biggest thing is that there's been times where I'm trying to do my own laundry, and his girlfriend's underwear is literally in my washer, and I can't do anything. I can't move them to the driver. So am I out of the...

Oh, come on. Relax. Never says thank you for using your one quarter of the washing machine. I mean, look, it's obviously okay to be annoyed, right?

If someone is constantly using... These are the perils of having roommates, by the way, right? Like, it's annoying if you want to use your washing machine and it's taken up. But a guy's girlfriend using the washer, that's like...

so incredibly to be expected. You know what I mean? It's like, what are you going to be like, hey, your whore only gets to use it when I'm not using it. I mean, I would be annoyed, but it's like, your utilities, like, and you sound a little too, you're a little too bothered by this.

Is there other stuff? Is she just annoying? Is her presence annoying? Is there more stuff? Right. Because it feels like this can't just be about the laundry. Especially when he's talking about your utilities and thank you. It's like, dude, what the fuck...

What do you think? Like, you think you're above this woman because your place has a live-in washer and dryer? It's like she's dating someone. It's not like this guy lets his friends come in and do laundry all fucking day. It's not like he's charging. He's paying people. You know, people are paying to do it. Girlfriends just get access to your apartment. That's right. That's not there. They're part of the agreement, dude.

Yeah, I don't know. This sounds very liberal of you. I mean, just, they're homeless. Let them take a shit on the subway. Let them take a dump.

It's not your subway. It's shared. I mean, what's this guy? Oh, you're with him. Yeah, well, I think... And what do you think he should do? Well, first of all, he's a better guy than I. He can't touch her panties. Yeah, I mean... I'd be stealing one a week. Yeah. We call those the spoils of war. Yes, exactly. That's a panty tag. Yeah, that's... Now, unfortunately, they have been washed. That part sucks. That part sucks. But maybe...

Here's what you do, ready? You poke holes in your Tide Pods so that there's no detergent. Maybe you fill the detergent up with blue Gatorade, the blue part. That's not bad. And that way they don't smell like soap. You kind of still get some pussy smell in the laundry. That's so smart. That's really good. That is really good.

But yeah, I don't know. This guy, how annoyed he is, it's too much. But he is asking, am I crazy?

So he's never said anything. Sure. I think he's just a nice boy. I think roommate stuff can just fester so easily. Yes. And a small thing can really blow up. I agree with you. He sounds very impassioned in his voice. Right. It's like, bro, she's just doing her laundry. This can't be the only issue is what I'm reading off of this. But that being said, if it's with such regularity...

Like, if she really is doing it every Monday and Wednesday, it's like, what is going on here, bitch? It feels like if it's so regular, it almost feels like they're doing it on purpose because they know you fucking hate it. I don't think it's that. I think it's taking it for... Like, it would annoy me a little bit to be like them taking it for granted. And then on a day where I'm running late and I just want to do my laundry, she's got, you know...

a big-ass load, that would annoy me. And all I would say is that's a conversation to have with your roommate. I would talk to the roommate. But also, I think, is it crazy to say, hey, would you mind throwing a few of my things in there? No. Let her do a little bit of his laundry. Yeah. She's doing laundry anyways. That would be kind of a compromise to me. It's like, hey, let me throw half my shit in there. That is fun. You're like, I see you're constantly using my laundry, and I raise you, fold a couple of my shirts, bitch. Yeah.

Oh, hey, I was just about to throw some stuff in, but if you're using it, can I just throw a couple of my underwears covered in jizz in there with you? No big deal, right? Would you do some of my load? But yeah, I mean, the things you need to work on is feeling like you need to be thanked.

because the guy's girlfriend. It's not his homeless friend trying to get his feet, you know what I mean? Like, who's like, thank you so much for giving me some shelter. Like, it's like, and your utilities are not a big deal. Whatever the fucking water is used to do, you know, laundry. What I would say is if it's, you can have, if it gets too much to the point where you feel like you can't do laundry, truly, that's a conversation to have with your roommate. But even still, it's like, is it that bad?

Like, if this was your roommate and not his girlfriend, would you get annoyed? Because if the answer is no, if they're not on the aggregate doing more than what a roommate, the amount of laundry a roommate should do, then you kind of have to let this go. Because whether it's his girlfriend or not, I feel like girlfriend is a protected class under a roommate. They pretty much get to, you know, they get to use utilities effectively.

Especially if it's like once a week. Like, I know once a week is annoying. The regularity is annoying. But is once a week that often? Is it that much of your life? You know what I'm saying? I think so. I could see getting annoyed at that. Once a week? Who gives a fuck? I don't know. Well, how much more does people do laundry? What are you going to be doing? Five days a week? No, that's what I'm saying. It's like... But also...

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it's like... I can see it being annoying. Maybe you could have a conversation to be like, hey, can she do her laundry at a time that you would never do laundry? Like, could you have a conversation with your roommate to be like, hey, man, this is a little annoying. I kind of want to use the... These times are really bad for me. This is when I do laundry. Can she do it X day? You know what I mean? Like, if this is going to be a regular thing, then let's treat it like a roommate dispute. Okay?

and be like, this is her time to do laundry or whatever the fuck. You know what I mean? If it's that crazy, but... May I add this also? The thing about her not saying thank you, I don't think he needs a thank you for everything. I don't think he's an asshole. I think that builds up after a while because you're like, at least... Right.

It would be nice if at least she went, oh, my God, thank you so much. This is so nice. You're saving me. Because it is crazy to use someone's laundry every day and never be like, hey, thank you, I know, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think that probably just, it built and built and built, and then he added that. The thank you would be nice, for sure. Thank you would be nice. On her part. You're coming around. Well, if I was counseling her, I would say, hey, this could be kind of annoying, but

just be gracious about it. Maybe get the guy a Starbucks donut every once in a while. You know what I mean? And I get it. On her part, this could be, she could be more thankful and that would make this a non-issue whatsoever. Exactly. But at the same time, if I was like, I guess to put myself in her shoes, if I was like using my girlfriend's

Laundry all the time. I would probably be a little more... He probably just doesn't like this girl that much. And she's doing something a little annoying. And it just fucking festers over time. And I would tell you, this just goes...

Personally, I think this just falls under the annoyance of having roommate category. Right. Like... Or Carter. Yeah, exactly. Bootstraps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. This just is. It doesn't sound that crazy. It's definitely annoying. You're right to be annoyed, but it seems to me like it falls within the, like...

Sucks to have roommates, bro. Sometimes you're fucking sometimes like when you have to do laundry, your roommates are going to be in the fucking laundry machine. And I think it just annoys you because you just you might just not like how often his girlfriend's over. That's that's another roommate thing. It's like if she's over the amount that it's like this is an extra roommate, you know, you could have the conversation of like she needs to be fucking paying rent. But if it's the if it's a once a week thing, you're not there and it's just annoying.

Also, steal the panties. Steal her panties. Take a pair of underwear. Take a pair of underwear and hang them in your... Sell them. Yeah, sell them. Sell them. You know what I mean? Create an AI-generated, you know, wasion with big tits. Pretend you're her. Make an Instagram. And then say they're her panties and sell them and make a quick buck. 100%. I think we solved it. Done deal. I think we solved it. What else we got, Elders? What's that? Holy shit. What?

Do you hear that, Joe? Do you hear that music? What the hell? Where are we going? Is it fucking time for the motherfucking twisted-ass fucking question of the week or whatever it is?

We're still working on the name. So we have a particular, and I know you're a sober man, but not anymore, baby. I bet every time you lay eyes on a Twisted Tea, you really rethink those years of sobriety. Well, that was my drink of choice, of course. You were a Twisted guy? Oh, yeah. I drank nothing like cracking a Twisted Tea and watching some WWF wrestling. Yeah.

Those are my two things. I would vote Republican, watch wrestling, and drink Twisted Tea. Let's keep it apolitical for the sponsors, Joe. This is where we are apolitical when it comes time to promote the product of our pals over at Twisted Tea. So, Eldis, what is the twisted-ass fucking question of the week, man? Hey, Savvy. Long-time listener, first-time caller.

I'm in a bit of a situation. So the holidays are coming up, obviously. And Thanksgiving just passed. So Blackout Wednesday had occurred and I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend. Oh, wow.

Three years removed, like really messy breakup. That's keeping it twisted. Yeah, baby. My boy's keeping it twisted as fuck. Hooking up with an ex on Thanksgiving Wednesday. That is some twisted behavior. Three years of fun. Three years. You're just out of the woods.

Three years after a messy breakup, it's like, ah, I'm finally totally free. And then you fucking re-upped. Salute, man. That's a twisted maneuver right there. Here's removed, like, really messy breakup, everything. Like, poured sugar in my gas tank. Oh, my God. Kind of a life-ruining ex. This bitch did domestic terrorism to you and you fucked her? Life-ruining ex. The pussy must have been out of this world.

Idiot. Dumb. Stupid. See it through? Ah, man, she's just so fucking hot. And it's a little bit of a dry spell as well, so I just don't know what to do. I mean, that's really what it is. Okay, pal. You kept it way too twisted. Keep it.

That's the thing about keeping it twisted. You twist it a little bit, you've twisted it all around and around and around. You gotta untwist, brother. You're too twisted right now. This is fucking nuts, dude. She poured sugar in his gas tank. She destroyed his car, it sounds like. Maybe she's improved, though. It's been three years. Maybe she's been seeking help, getting therapy. I suppose. It doesn't sound like it, though.

I mean, it just sounds like... By the way, this shows you how hilarious, how truly powerless young men are. Where it's like, he said all this stuff and then at the end he's like, and I'm in a bit of a dry spell. Which is the true reason all of this happened. Of course. It's like, you just get a guy not having sex for eight months and he's like, maybe the girl that ruined my life but sucked dick incredibly, maybe it's time to re-up with her. A life ruining...

ruin the life get her over here yeah bring her in

Yeah, dude. I mean, you're so, so stupid. You've made a huge error because you have no self-discipline and can't just try and break through a dry spell honestly. It's like, I think we've used this metaphor before where it's like, you're thirsty and you go back to a well that someone took a fat shit in and you're like, at least there's some water in here. You know, where what you should have been doing is getting a fresh twisted tea instead of

poisoned water from the well of the insane ex. You should have cracked open a delicious twisted tea, brewed with real iced tea, by the way, and 5% alcohol by volume. One of the finest game day drinks you could possibly have. That's what you should have reached for, not for the proverbial poisoned well of your insane ex. You've made a huge mistake. You need to back out. It's Christmas Monday right now. Do not fuck this girl again. Get out.

You've made a mistake. This will be hard. You are addicted. You will go through, you know, head withdrawals from this woman. It's just, unless we're missing something, which I don't think we are. No, it doesn't seem like it. I mean, pouring sugar in the gas is a crazy move. You're like, you broke up with me. That's crazy. Here's sugar. Like, I'm going to ruin your car. You are out, you know, anywhere from $5,000 to $40,000 because of this woman. It's like, come on, man. And you know it in your voice. You can hear it. You're saying it.

You're not like, oh, man, I'm so happy to be back with this girl. She's gone to a lot of... He didn't say any of the stuff you might have speculated where it's like, yeah, I'm not saying it's not possible for... If this person was going through a psychotic break and they've gotten help and whatever. And even then...

I would be like, good for her. Let her fix her life with the next guy. It ain't going to be me. I think he can totally keep it very twisted here and just fuck her again over the Christmas holiday. Here's why. You're keeping it too twisted, Eldest. Here's why. The damage is already done.

They already fucking fucked on Thanksgiving. Oh, you smoked crack one time. Right, right. What's three more times over the holidays? You know the holidays. This isn't crack. You know the holidays when people don't have any mental health issues, suicides don't go up or anything like that. This is the time to mess around. This is it. Had to stick with the theme of the show. Well, I think year 11 of the Iraq war. I think this one...

This is the year we crack through. Send a few hundred thousand more troops. Let's get a couple more troops in there. This is where the tide turns. I think you can fuck her once or twice more times before New Year's. Because the holidays are kind of like that in-between thing. You can still make a clean cut and just get it in while...

While you're like home for the holidays and just shake it off after that. This isn't crack. This is just some warm and fuzzy. You're right. It's heroin. It's pills. It's not crack. I know what you're saying. And I'm not. I do think there is a like it's the whole thing of are you really going to start a diet on December 20th? Probably not. Having said that.

Once you give yourself permission to just lean in, it can get dangerous. Right. Like, all I'm saying is the quicker he cuts this off, the better. And if he takes a couple more suckles of that forbidden teat, he might get too addicted to cut it off, dude. That's all I'm saying. The quicker... If this is a one-time thing, it's a lot easier to stop than if it's a three-time thing. In my experience, with this literal issue. Right.

Also, I say this every episode of Mom when it comes to advice. Have you ever heard of jerking off? I don't get it. One of these people just beat off. It's like, yeah, dry spell. I have a kid. We go a week without fucking and I beat off. Yeah.

It's like, just beat off. Jerk off. Put some porn. It's never been easier. Put on a pornhub. That's true. Get some lube. Put something in your asshole. Search Toxic X. Yes. They'll have a bitch that looks exactly like yours. Like, you'll be fine, dude. Yeah, you can probably put sugar in the gas tank porn. Yeah, yeah. There's a lady ruining my life. Woman who ruined my life. So just go beat off for Christmas.

Yeah, go beat off for Christmas, and that's the twisted-ass motherfucking question of the fucking week, bitch. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. You got to remember to keep it twisted, everyone. Nice. Whoa, that was impressive. Pretty cool, right? That was really cool. All right, Aldous, well, we kept it twisted. What else can we do for our pals?

So I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now, and I met him through Tinder. I've been keeping a humongous secret from him that he most definitely would not have matched and met up with me if he knew. Interesting. I'm missing a tooth. Oh. I have a retainer that has a tooth in it.

And if I'm alone or like around family or like the closest of people, I will take the retainer out and eat without it. So my mouth is nasty. And so this entire year I have been nasty.

And every time I eat, I have to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and brush out the retainer. And it's honestly just a huge inconvenience at this point. I've kept it close to my heart because it's hella embarrassing. And I just I feel like enough time has passed.

that even if he wants to, he can't leave me if I tell him about the missing tooth. The missing tooth is in the front of my face.

Nothing cool happened. There was just like a dental mishap when I was like a teenager and the implant didn't work. They'd take the implant out like two years before I met my boyfriend. I just tried to get the implant back in. Another mishap happened. They had to take it back out. And it's another three to six months till I can find out if I can get the tooth back in.

I feel like the saving grace is the fact there's a chance I will get my tooth back. I feel like I'm hot enough that I can get away with it. But regardless, I don't even want it. I don't even think I can take it out in front of him, man. What are you talking about? This isn't love, man. Yeah, it'd be really great to have your advice of what I should do if I should just keep on having...

This annoying, nasty habit of mine with eating with a fucking retainer in. If I should just suck it up and tell my boyfriend that I've been hiding this ridiculous secret from him, it'd be great if I could get your help. Thanks so much. This made me sad. I know. Poor lady. I know. She's been with him for how long, did you say, Aldous? A year? Yeah. Yeah.

You gotta let this go, toots. This is not a big, this is truly not a big deal. You're already past the point. And you're hot. And you're hot. You've been together for a year. And guys, I would fuck a woman if she was hot and willing to fuck me. She could have no teeth. All her teeth could come out. I would go, oh, okay. You could pull a dick out. And I'd be like, oh, wow, crazy. Yeah, suck it and have her fuck me in the ass while holding my ankles.

Like, you're totally... I get it. Hey, I got crooked teeth, Invisalign. I took my Invisalign out for this. For the pod. Whatever. So I get the thing, but...

It's fine. This is nothing. And I know it. And I mean, I literally am the right person to call because I remember feeling this. And even as a person who has always looked kind of ridiculous, my job, my job is being funny. Like even as somebody who like and I had I was toothless publicly for like two years, but

But that was an accident because I lost the retainer that she has. Right. Like, I didn't mean to be toothless. I had for about four months, I was wearing a flipper. And there was one day where I was running late for a show and I took the tooth out to fucking take a nap. And I thought I put it... I literally to this day have no idea where it is. And by the way, that's like...

I lost... It's funny they give you this little ass tooth to put over your thing and it's like, I lost the tooth in my head. You don't think I'm going to lose the little tooth that comes out? I'm like, what are you talking about? So I lost it and then I was running late to a show and...

I almost thought about canceling it. I was like, who cares? It'll be kind of funny. And I did the thing and it was just like so free. And I always hated the way it felt. And it was just... It was... People found it very funny. Right. People were like, what the fuck? You don't have a tooth? And then I was just like, maybe I'll just... And I just kept doing it. And it was incredibly freeing for me. And I'm not saying you're the kind of person... You're not even saying, should I get rid of the tooth and go about my normal day-to-day life? You're saying...

In intimate moments where I'm sharing a fucking meal with my boyfriend of one year, can I take my tooth out? The answer is yes. I remember even back then I would take my tooth out and it was funny. It was funny to see my friends react. I don't know if we ever had lunch where I took it out. I definitely did it in front of Soder and he was like, what the fuck? Sam, it was funny seeing it. The first time people see it, it's funny. Right. Um,

Yeah. Come clean to him and be like, hey, I had some dental surgery. I didn't want to tell you. He'll probably be like, why didn't you tell me sooner? Yes. And it'll make you guys both feel closer. It feels good to be in on a thing. You feel intimate. Men are desiring, deeply desiring connection. Yeah, I agree. And I...

All the time. I feel good when somebody confesses something to me because I feel like, oh, blah. It's a very toxic masculinity bullshit world we're brought up in. Yeah. So to be invited into something, that's kind and sweet. I agree. You have the best sex of your fucking life. Yeah. And the longer you're together as someone who's been with a woman for 75 years. Yeah. You can use this. Eventually he'll be like, take your tooth out, we'll fuck. Take your tooth out. He'll be like, you're a crackhead. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I remember Sarah and I were in Paris, and I was like, we should get cigarettes, because that's what you do in France. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she had, like, the nastiest smoker breath, and it was, like, hot. It, like, made me cum. Because it's anything different. I was like, yeah, nasty shit mouth. I'm into that. You know what I mean? Any kind of different is good. I agree. So you're good. I agree. And you're hot. And what you said, it's like, this does make me sad. You shouldn't feel this worry to just admit, because it's a medical mishap. Yeah.

Yeah. It's not you. It's not like anything. Whatever it is, it's like you should be able to, those closest to you. Basically, you're, maybe some of the anxiety too is, she said like the only people that she brings this up are like family, people really close to her. And at about a year, you're kind of deciding like,

Is the person I'm dating going to cross over into, like, the most important people in my life? That can be kind of nerve-wracking psychologically, too, to be like, this is going from, like, a fun little, you know, a fun little relationship of a year or under to, like, getting really serious. And this is kind of a symbol of it getting kind of serious. So it's like, if it's feeling good, go for it. It'll be freeing for you. It'll feel, I think it'll bring you guys together. And if he's the kind of weirdo that's like,

Ew, you fucking bitch. You lied to me. You don't want this guy in your life. Because shit like this is going to come up. Shit that's a little embarrassing. Like if you can't be turned to your partner for that comfort when some fucking trainee dentist fucks your...

fucks your implant up who can you turn to you want someone who's going to be there for you in your embarrassing moments or who don't even see them as embarrassing so this is good either way yeah he's not gonna care my wife was born without pussy lips it's fine big accident where she was getting they delivered her by her pussy lips and they pulled them off totally gone i haven't been a jar oh fuck yes i'll just keep it going pussy

Hey, Stav. I never thought I'd actually call you, but a big fan of the podcast. I'm just calling because my wife, who I love so much, we've been together since almost like 16 years. I'm 33. We just had a baby boy. He's about seven months old and everything's going amazing. But my wife is definitely feeling self-conscious about her body. I definitely try to

affirm how she's feeling uh all the time and get her flowers and you know be um as supportive and loving as humanly possible but you know obviously she's working it out on her own but i was just curious if uh have you had some advice on ways to help her feel more beautiful and um

Yeah, yeah, I don't know. I guess I'm just trying everything just to help her feel better. That's nice. That's sweet. You know, make her feel as beautiful as she is. So, yeah, I appreciate it so much. And thanks for the pod. Later. Oh, this guy's, like, too sweet. Trying to, like, have fun. Yeah, yeah. I say, here's what I would do. I would say have her catch you beating off to, like, young women with huge tits and be like, this is what you look like to me.

You look like this to me, babe. I don't even care that your shit's wrinkly and flappy. In my head, you look like them. I think she'd love that. I think that's done. That's perfect.

Perfect. First of all, the best part is he says my wife like Borat. He's like, my wife. A short, solemn Borat impression. Yeah, my wife. This is interesting. How old is little Mart? He's like 14 months, about double the age of this dork.

Yeah, I mean, I think my wife feels... I mean, she's always a little... But there's no... For my end, there's only so much you can do. You can't save people. Everybody thinks they're gross and disgusting and it doesn't matter. Right. Like...

And a million people could say, you're hot. I'm into you. You're still going to be like, nah, they're just trying to be nice. So keep doing what you're doing. But ultimately, it is on her to feel better about herself. You can't make anyone change their perspective. And you're attracted to her. You're kind. And you got bigger fans.

fish to fry anyways right now. The baby, sure. So just keep being, you know, loving and supportive. It is funny though because he's like, she's self-conscious about her body and I try to affirm how she's feeling, which is funny. He's like, I do my best to make sure she's right. Stay in the gym. Um...

But yeah, she's also going through... I mean, that first year, she's going through so much. And there's so much stress and pressure of the baby. So just keep telling her she looks great. Keep fucking and saying you want to fuck. I think that's important. And even if you're getting... Like, that's a great point about that first year. Like, I can't even... It seems so tough, like, post-pregnancy. And a lot of people deal with postpartum depression. And it's a weird time hormonally. And, like, your mental health can be weird. So...

All you can really do is just be there for her and, like, give her some... Cut her a tremendous amount of slack. Yeah. Because she might... You know, who knows how it affects... Pregnant, postpartum affects everybody differently. And, yeah, don't take it... Just be there for her. Don't take it personally if, like, you know, you're trying to... If... Like, if this...

call is boiling down to my wife doesn't think she's hot enough so she's not giving me pussy if that's the subtext right then like you might just not fuck that much that year you know what I mean like it might just be a year where it's like getting rejected might the fact that you're making advances makes her feel good she might still not want to have sex like it's just like you I think that's really what it is keep being supportive and understand that like

You just got to cut her some slack in the first year post-pregnancy. And, you know, that's a general rule in a relationship. As long as it feels equitable, give each other some grace, cut each other some slack. You know, there might be times where you're feeling weird. You know, she's feeling weird post-baby. You're probably going to get fat in, like, your 40s. You know what I mean? You're probably going to go bald or something and go fat and get fat, whatever. Then she'll be there for you for that. You know, just...

Just keep being a nice, supportive guy and cutting her some slack. Because, yeah, it must feel strange.

And most babies, I know you and Marty got a good thing going. He really likes being around his dad. But a lot of babies are, like, attached to their mom. Right, right. Like, that's the other thing. Like, is she dealing with that? Because I have friends of mine, that's just been so overwhelming for them that they don't feel like they have a second to themselves. That it's like, she might get an hour every night, like, to just chill out. And she might not want to, like...

hear about how hot she is and get you trying to get your dick sucked in that hour. She might just want to like chill. So, you know, keep it. So, you know, let her get away with it two, three times. And after that, be like, a man has needs. That's what I do. Let her catch you scrolling on escort websites. She'll change your tune real fast.

Let's do a couple more here, Joseph. Please. Hey, Stavi. Hey, Eldis. I absolutely love your guys' podcast. Thank you. Thank you. I have a little bit of a weird question today, but I think you can help me out. So my sister works with somebody, not going to name names, but he's about 30 years old. And I know him. I went to high school with him and his now wife.

And my sister has been telling me that he's having an affair with one of the 18 year old girl, 18 year old receptionist that worked there. And, um, you know, blah, blah, blah. And, uh,

I know this guy's wife from high school as well, but we weren't really ever friends. I never really talked to her or anything, but you know, my sister is telling me about how like he takes her out on dates all the time. This girl that he's having an affair with takes her out on dates and brings her flowers and it's like this whole contentious thing because they're not supposed to be dating, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Anyway.

So my question is... Well, he's not supposed to be dating the 18-year-old subordinate out of his marriage? Hilarious. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, so my question is...

Do I say something to the girl that I wasn't really friends with in high school? I see her make posts on Facebook sometimes about, I don't know, just, you know, the sad girl stuff. Like, oh, like, I wish, you know, someone would do more for me. Kind of like hinting that her husband is kind of like a little broke-ass bitch and doesn't take care of her and her two kids. So...

I'm just wondering, do I stir the pot and do I tell this girl or do I leave it alone? Part of me kind of wants to stir the pot a little bit, but also I just feel bad for her too. Like she wasn't ever a rude girl. We just weren't really friends in high school. She's really nice. I feel bad for her two kids and her kind of just being left to the wayside. So let me know what you guys think, if I should blow this spot up or what. Anyway, have a great day. Thanks for all the advice. You guys are amazing. Bye. What are you fucking Batman?

What are you, a fucking vigilante here? Yeah. This is not... Look, I don't even... I don't even trust that your intentions are pure. No, they're not at all. I think it's... Stir the pot. You've used the phrase stir the pot twice. You kind of want a little action, a little drama, but...

If this was a close friend that's different, you don't fucking know this person at all. If it wasn't for Facebook, this is where we have access to each other too much. If it wasn't for Facebook, you wouldn't even think, this wouldn't even be a person you think you remember exists. You know what I mean? This is not someone in your life. What this guy's doing is shitty for sure, but it's like, do you really want to get in the middle of this? Yeah, you're going to ruin her life.

You're not doing a certain... Like, she's... You're going to ruin everyone's life. Yeah, who knows? It's just like, it's such a variable, and who are you to fucking mix this shit up? Exactly. You know? This is none of your business. This sounds like some hometown intrigue. Absolutely. Where it's just like, oh, you tell the girl, then you hit up your other girlfriends from high school. It's like, look at this screenshot I told her. Yeah, absolutely. And it just feels exciting to, like, have such a juicy gossip. Yes, yes. The thrill, the sick thrill in her voice...

Like, if she was somber, I might think about it a little bit. If she was like, this is a tragedy I feel for these kids. I have an extra spare room that she could move in. Like, are you going to help her through this? Or are you just going to drop the, are you going to be America, destabilize the region, and then leave?

You know what I mean? Like, what are you really going to fucking do? Saying she was never a bitch to us in high school doesn't warrant a mercenary snitching. No, dude. It's like, again, this is your close friend. If this is somebody you're going to support through this, that's one thing. And it's also like, you don't even know what's going on. I mean, not saying, you probably have a good idea. This guy does not sound like a good person. But you also have no idea what the fuck's going on in this relationship. You have no idea what's going on in their home. And...

The fact that you're just a, you're like a passerby that's trying to inject themselves into the fucking narrative here. Well, also, like, I read a lot of stuff about current affairs and psychology, and teenage girls are committing suicide at a high rate. They're cutting. They're overweight. This guy's making this young teenage girl feel good. He's fucking her. He's offering her companionship.

You know what I mean? A sophisticated older man. She can be just another statistic. He's doing a community service here. You're so right. He's a mentor. He's probably keeping her off of meds and everything. Most teenage girls are struggling with self-esteem, and this one's getting balled by a middle-aged guy. She's going to TGI Fridays, getting whatever she wants off the Jack Daniels menu. Yes. So I think he's first class, and you don't want to break that up.

He's got two women. That's better than one.

That is a good point, though. It's like, you don't even think about this, like, dumb little kid who's so... She's, like, fallen under the spell of some middle manager because it's the first guy who's been like, hey, you want to take a ride in my fucking whatever Lincoln he has? Yeah, anyway, so, you know, don't do anything. You're being a busybody. This is not a close friend of yours. This is just someone you're tangentially aware of. Right. And unless you're willing to, like...

support her through a divorce, don't fucking, don't inject yourself into this. Go volunteer somewhere. Stir the pot that way. Yeah, right, right, right. Go to the soup kitchen. Right, right, right. There's probably other people with shittier situations that could use some help other than you. Yeah, what you're doing with that, you're trying to excuse being a gossip through like being an altruistic person. And in fact, you know what?

If you volunteer at Soup Kitchen for 40 hours, you can do this. Like, we can trade off. We can trade off. If you do enough good, you can do a little harm. My guess is you'll never buy that much.

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To save you up to 89%. Pirateship.com will save you money on shipping. Savings vary depending on weight, dimension, season, and destination of the package. What do you think, Al? There's one more to see us off here? Yeah, I got a good one to close us out. Beautiful. We don't want to take up too much of Joseph's time here. I got to get back to Sarah's time, really. Oh, yeah, yeah. Back to her. Yeah, Joe's like, keep it going. We can do three hours.

Stavros, it's me, Scott. Oh, Scott. Love the podcast. Love you. Love Elvis. Thanks, Scotty. Your guys' chemistry is beautiful because I have a very similar best friend situation. Anyways, simple question. So over the years, I've...

used to celebrate Christmas and the holidays everything like everybody else you buy presents we open on Christmas Day blah blah blah now I'm pretty anti-present I don't want presents I don't want to give people presents you know let's just let the days pass by okay but I understand it's a dickish move sounds depressed so uh what do you recommend I do should I just get you know presents for my parents presents for my brothers

Should I just not get any presents at all? What? I'm not expecting presents as well, even though I'm probably going to get some. Anyways. This is so funny. Yeah, just let me know. What? Can I just say...

You have to have this discussion with the people. You can't just take a stab at it and be like, no presents. I've decided no presents. You have a conversation with them and you say, hey, money's a little tight, whatever it is. You can't just do your own thing. Can we do secret? This is why people do Secret Santa. So instead of

20 presents. Right. Everyone's responsible for one present. Or a Yankee swap. Yeah, or a Yankee swap. Whatever it's called. Elephant. Yeah, blue, white elephant. So, yeah, I get it. We even said, like, I even said, like, it's weird to buy presents for adults. Like, you know, for kids, it's fun. Like, I totally get, you know, if there's kids in your life, whatever. But it's like, I still get presents for my family. It's like, it's a little...

Sure, it can be a bit of a, if you're busy and money's tight, whatever, it can be a little annoying, but

Fundamentally, it's nice to do, and you have to have this conversation with the people. More than anything, though, if I am alarmed, this guy sounds like he wants to fucking... Yeah. It's like, I had a best... He even started wistfully recounting that he has a best friend. Is that relationship okay? And why are you anti-present? Why don't you want presence? Are you just depressed, buddy? Because...

Honestly, Christmas is commercialized and whatever it's become, still nice to see a family member open up a present they like. That little moment of magic is still nice. I mean, again, it's compounded when it's like a little kid. That's really fucking cute, but it's like...

Can't your parents something? It doesn't have to be big. I mean, we're literally describing the basic tenets of holiday joy to him, but it's like the phrase is the thought that counts is true. Like spend some time thinking about the people you love, the people in your life that are important to you,

Just coming up with something that's good for them, you'll be thinking about them. You won't be thinking about, you know, how everything, how all the gambling losses you've accrued that you're probably depressed about or whatever. The wife, your wife leaving you. Whatever's going on to make you suddenly anti-present. It just sounds like you're on Grinch mode right now, dude. And you need to be the Grinch at the end of the fucking movie, not the Grinch at the beginning of the movie. Yeah.

So buy a couple fucking presents, man. And then next year, have the discussion like Joe said. Hey, can we do a Secret Santa? Can we do a, you know, swap game? Whatever. Can we just do something so that we're not all buying 100 presents? But all you've said is your parents and your brother. That's like...

Three people. Yeah, three to five people. You can't handle three to five $40 gifts. I mean... I feel his pain a little. I mean, I get, like, so bogged down when I think of presents. It's like, you know, two weeks, one week before Christmas. You're like, oh, what do I get them? What do I get them? And it's okay. Like, don't be so hard on yourself either. Like, stop it. Like, get something small and, like...

Some years you might just be really into it and might be on a roll with getting presents for people. And other times you're not getting really...

anything and it just isn't a big deal it's not a big deal man but it's way weirder to just have this to come to christmas with an un unannounced anti-present philosophy where it's like literally get them a shitty present and they'll be like oh okay right it's fine as opposed to like

I'm not doing this anymore. I'm anti-present. I don't want your stinking presents. Here, you know what I'm getting you? Whatever you gave me, here, it's yours now. Mom, here's a trimmer for your balls. I don't want it. Well, yeah, and I think give your family and friends the gift

of your own mental wellness. Like, you gotta go to therapy. Like, you gotta go and figure things out. Again, there's no mention of monetary struggle. He literally is just like, I know this is dickish, but I'm not into presents right now. Yeah, you're acting out. You're sad. Yeah, you're sad. You're upset. This is like a toddler being like, I don't like Christmas. I don't want to go gay. I don't want to have cookies for Christmas. No, I don't want to see grandma.

Like, that's what you're doing right now. So it's like, whatever you're acting out about, whatever is causing you to turn dickish on Christmas, figure that out, brother. That's way more important than, like, a candle to your mother. Like, you being mentally well is so much more important. So, you know, really fun one to go out on, Elvis. Just a sad sack. An empty sack.

Well, I guess with that, we'll send you all off for Christmas. Another bang-up producing job by Eldon Sula. Spreading some holiday cheer. I love it. I think it was good. Merry Christmas. Today's Eddie Vedder's birthday. 60 years old. How about that? That's awesome. Happy 60th to my dear friend, Eddie Vedder. I didn't know he was born on December 23rd. Yep, sure is. December 23rd, 1964. We love you, Eddie.

We love you, Eddie. Shout out. Supposed to be meeting him at some point. Oh, really? Yeah, Bargatze's friends with him, friendly with him, of course. Wow, yeah. And did I ever tell you that story? I flew all the way to Seattle because Nate was like, it was like four days before Marty was born. Hilarious. My wife is like nine and a half months pregnant, and he's like, Eddie Vedder's coming if you want to come meet him. And Sarah was like, go do this. Do this for yourself. She's like in a wheelchair. Yeah. And she's like, do it. And I was like, I flew all the way up there, and I was like, here we go, Eddie Vedder, baby. And then...

The guy, he just was sick. Couldn't make it. But then every time I see the tour manager, he's like, we talked to Eddie's people. They're going to make it up. They know what a tremendous fan you are. That's awesome. Someday, me and Eddie will say hello, and he'll be like, who's this? He'll be like, oh, not, hey, man. Yeah, and then we'd leave. And I'll be like, we celebrate your 60th on Stav Show after some guy wrote his suicide note.

Maybe I'll just give away my belongings to my friends and family. I don't need them. You know, suddenly I've become much more chipper the last couple days after making a certain decision. Well, Merry Christmas to you. Happy holidays. Happy birthday to Eddie Vedder. And we'll see you guys next time. Bye-bye.

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