#111 - Ian Lara
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Opa! Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STOV. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. We have returning after a long absence, our pal Ian Lara. Ian, thanks for coming, buddy. Thank you for having me, bro. I feel like I was one of the first episodes in the studio. And then I watched the clip. Didn't you have Blake here? I

I had Blake Griffin in that very seat. I'm like, what the fuck? In that very seat, Blake Griffin sat. Dude, when I saw that, I was like, he couldn't have. They must have built a makeshift studio at 30 Rock. There's no way Stob invited him. No, dude. We've thought about this. We've thought about switching studios. There's something so nice about making famous people come to some shitty apartment building in Queens and be like, this is the podcast? Yeah, I'm like, did he bring security? I don't know.

I thought that was insane, but I'm happy to be back, man. Yeah, dude, no. We honestly have thought about switching it up. You know, the Are You Garbage Boys, those motherfuckers pay probably... They got prime Manhattan real estate. Yeah, I mean, they did, like, two episodes and was like, okay, we gotta move to...

We got to move to Hollywood. Who the fuck do those assholes think they are? They're doing it the good way. I was like, Jesus. No, but they're great. Yeah, everyone talks about how nice their studio is. It is insane. But this works, though. Thank you. Thank you. This works. We'll take that.

Earlier, we were just going over the level of sound engineering we have. There's a noisy room next door, and Eldest sometimes remembers to shut the door. And that's all. He always worries about that. I've never seen him tweak a microphone. No. I've never seen him...

Do any research on, you know, sound quality. That's the magic behind the scenes, man. The best engineering is there's a lot going on, but there's stuff you don't notice. I'm sure. While we were talking, he was, like, touching the camera. I'm not sure he was touching it. He was, like...

We were talking and I was seeing him adjusting, but I wasn't sure he was moving the cameras at all. Unfortunately, he does do that every time. And that's actually not a sign of being good at his job. Because these cameras have not moved one centimeter since the day we set them up. Every time a guest is here. Sometimes it takes Elvis. We're sitting here ready to go. Elvis, the cameras that have been here, he's adjusting them for 15 minutes.

And we have to do that awkward, we thought we were about to pod, but now we're going back to regular friend conversation. And he's just like, tweaking what on earth? I have no fucking idea. We got to get you autofocus, man. We got to get you cameras with autofocus. I've learned to just give up.

You're never going to figure it out. We just need better cameras. A good engineer is like God. He's everywhere and nowhere at once in his creation. You don't see him or hear him, but you feel him. We see you constantly. We see you constantly, and we feel it constantly and how fucking annoying it is. What are you talking about?

Man, I think it's that big dick energy. Oh, no. You tried to make him big dick eldest last time. Why did we wait so long to get Ian back on? I don't like that. Ian was honestly the first speed bump in setting up the eldest persona because early on you were probably like episode what, four or some shit like that? It was like Patreon number four or three or four or something like that. I thought he wasn't on a free app. Oh, maybe he was.

Yeah, I was. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but that was when we went on the road. I was opening for you. That's right, that's right. I tried to brand him. Yeah, you tried to brand him Big Dick Elvis. I was hoping it sucked. You wouldn't let it ride. There was no way we're letting... I've been trying real hard to make that one stick. There's no way we're letting Big Dick Elvis...

stick no chance who knows though now he's he's developed a little cult of personality yeah so now the the true eldest heads might get behind big dick eldest yeah sound off in the comments well all the eldest heads I was the first dude he was you were that's true he didn't even talk back then no no no he's really come out of his shell he really came out of his shell at 35 35

I think he got married after that. He just changed his life after a weekend in Albany. That's true. That's true. Albany, that was fucking awesome. Yeah.

That was one of my favorite moments. Did we talk about this on the last ep? Maybe. Who knows? It was years ago. It was literally over a year ago. But my favorite moment, which really made me and Eldest think about how we consume media, is when we kept... We were like, dude, we gotta watch... You know, we like to watch shitty stand-up specials on the road. And we pitched a specific special to you, and you were like...

So you guys just watched shit that sucks? And you were so confused that we were like,

pumped to see something that was horrible. And we were pitching it to you like, dude, it's awesome. This guy's bombing the whole time. And you're like, what? You guys were looking forward to it. Like it was the season finale of Penguin. You guys were like, we're going to go back to the house. We're going to throw her on a special man. You're going to love it. It fucking sucks. We had already watched it, by the way. We had seen it like two days prior. And we were excited to show it to you because it sucked.

You're going to love it, man. It fucking stinks.

The act outs are bad. The promises are bad. Everything about it is the worst. Yeah, we really have developed so much of what we like to watch is shit that's horrible. The funny shit is, I don't want to say who it was. Yeah, we can't say it. Because the next day, like, I was working with you that weekend, and then when I got back to New York on Sunday, I was invited to his premiere of his new special. So I went to the premiere, and the whole time I'm thinking about, man, when Starro watches this, I mean...

Oh, and I watched it. He thought the other one was bad. Oh, and I watched it, brother. I literally... I have like... Did we just watch that? We watched that. He's had two since then. Yeah. Oh, we've kept up. No, we watched the second one recently. The one after that one. Oh, my God, bro. That one's really bad, too. I love the... That one is like...

I'll admit, that one is like level up bad. It's awesome. It's like, because it's like, it tries to be like meta. Exactly. It's like, it's not just bad comedy. It's like. No, it's fascinating. And unfortunately, we really, it's just a bad look to just openly trash someone, even if we think their stuff stinks. But.

maybe we need to create another tier on the Patreon, Eldest, for like our true thoughts, the true thoughts tier. Dude, I went to the premiere and I was watching people pretend that they were like...

That they were like moved. Yeah, yeah. Because that's another element. This is like deep. That's my favorite thing about stand-up comedy now is people pretend we're deep. It's like that's so stupid. You need to be funny. The entire job is be funny. There is not any other thing about it. It's the simplest art form on earth is make people.

People laugh by any way you need to do it. Figure it out. But don't, you don't got to make them think. It doesn't have to be fucking poignant. And some people can do it. But it's like, funny is out, bro. It's coming back, brother. It's coming back. It's no longer funny. It's coming back, brother. You're like old school. Yeah. Call me crazy. I think we, I think stand up should have jokes and be funny and not pander. You want to be fun. I mean, that's,

The funny thing about that is I like because I feel like some comics, they just stay away from it. Like they don't they don't like they just like I just do this shit that I do. Yeah. Whatever happens. And then some some of them try to fight the culture wars of like. Well, that's the fucking most bitch ass thing you could possibly do. I thought so. And it's what's so funny is all that. Like there's a now because it's like obviously everyone would make fun of alt comics for pandering, but it is literally worse on the right. It's now worse. So worse. And you know what?

Alt comics weren't funny, and they were like... And, like, you know, half of them were hacks. But some of them were doing imaginative things. And some of them were doing interesting things for the art form. No one is doing anything good on the right. No, there's not one actually funny... And everyone who goes that way gets less funny. And people are going to be... Some of the worst listeners in our fan base are going to be mad at me for saying that. Suck my dick and unsubscribe. But there is not one...

There is not one... There's not one, like, innovator who's talking about not being able to say slurs. There's not one person who... You know, it's just...

I don't even think who I would come up. Now it's so fucking hack. And they're the same. They're the same as the left. It sucks. I agree. I think that's the funny part. It's the same. Like, it's the same on the other side. But they don't see it. Like, they saw it objectively when it was one side. We all saw it. Because obviously, especially in New York, there was like a phase where the comics would go on stage and they would just like kind of clap. They'll say things like, you know, women shouldn't be sexually assaulted. Yeah, right. And everyone was like, yeah. I mean, yeah, we agree. Yeah.

Yeah, that's fair. Oh, not funny to you? White fucking oppressor? They're from Connecticut. It's a girl that was a Republican until three years ago and they're calling straight white men the devil. And it's like, all right,

we called it out when it was that it was fine but then when the other like now the same people that was calling it out is doing it on the other side but they don't see it and now and it's awesome because they're doing they're being they're literally being gayer than some of the gay alt comics like the guys that put on Tyler Fisher will put on lipstick

and wear... And they'll dress like women. And it's like, that's gay! You are being gay, dude! And it's like... And I like gay comics, but you're making fun of them by... You buy... You go to the store to buy lipstick. They've probably bought... There's all... There's, like, right comics...

that have purchased makeup multiple times for their act. They know the shade of lipstick that works best. They have opinions on the shade of lipstick that works for their lips and they're making fun of trans people. It's like, what are we fucking doing here, man? It's pretty wild. It's like, what?

the fuck are we doing here it's pretty wild what I think is pretty wild is that like some of them are making it seem like they're on this like crusade to like break through but they're getting like really rich off of it which is like a weird thing it's a weird thing of being like I'm fighting for the thing but if like if you won the fight that you're fighting for then you would just be pointless because your whole thing is fighting that thing so if the

that thing stopped, then what would you do? Then you would just have to be a comic. They have nothing to say. They have nothing to say. Right. Their acts stink. That's the thing. It's like their acts are mediocre at best, mediocre at best. And you don't grow if you fucking, and here's the other thing, having, and we'll stop talking about comedy soon. We just, you know, because I don't want to be one of those podcasts that overdoes it, but like,

Yeah, you're just, you exist against something and it's like, what do you have to say? Like all the people who talk about free speech and I think you should be able to, I'm a huge free speech guy obviously. - Right, right. - But you need something to say. - Yeah. - And you should be able to say the most offensive things for a reason, not just because you're bombing and if you say retard it'll get a laugh.

That's not a joke. Yeah, that's literally not a joke. I couldn't agree with you more. I have a tough time. I think I think sometimes we let the conversation of free speech. It gets like diluted because I think if you sat down, we're just like, what do you mean free speech? What do you mean by that? And what do you want to say? Right, right. Like, what's the thing you can't say? Right, right. Because we're on your podcast. That's one of the most popular podcasts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is bigger than all media. Without question. And you're saying it. What is the thing you can't say? I'd love to know. Like, not only that, but if you stepped away from it, it's like, you're also selling out theaters. Yeah, I know, dude. I know, it's fucking crazy. You're getting it. Like, what's the thing? What's the persecution that you're fighting? It's crazy. And it's like, those are the same people that call people victims.

It's like you have got a victim mentality and become rich off it. And it's just fucking crazy, dude. Yeah. I always just wonder, like, do like because if you tell me that they understand and they're like, oh, yeah, this is just like whatever. I'm doing this to make money. I'm like, all right, cool. Like, I would respect that more. I would respect that more. I'm from New York. It's like, all right, cool. I would literally like a like I mean, I don't think Tucker Carlson is a good guy. And I think it is weird how people suck him off sometimes. But it's like he doesn't have.

or Stan, he just does whatever, like, let's say, like Glenn Beck or whatever, like those like right wing guys, they know they're playing, they might, their politics are probably more conservative than the average person, but they don't believe all the fucking culture war shit they're saying. Right. You know what I mean? They're just like, oh yeah, Prince,

pretending I'm scared of trans children makes me a billionaire, so I'm gonna do it. Pretending that's a threat. Those people aren't actually scared of their son getting his dick chopped off in preschool, but they pretend they are because they know...

old people will be like, oh, I should fucking buy his book because he's saving my grandchild from turning gay. But those people, I'm like, all right, whatever. That's your job. But comedians, I'm like, what's this notion of like you just want to do comedy in a vacuum where there's no repercussions? It's just like...

say whatever you want. And we can't even, cause it's like, you say free speech is like, yeah, we don't want you arrested. We just want to not laugh. Just to say you're bombing in a fucking hack. Right. You are that. Like you want freedom from that? Yeah. I know. I can't say you're bombing in a fucking hack. Yeah.

You want to be respected... Yeah... But you suck at comedy... Also it's... There's not that many good... But that is why this happened... Just because like... So few people can actually be good at comedy... And so it... It pisses them off... They think they should be famous...

And this is an E, and again, both ways, but I will say, in the last decade, it's become clear, it's a lot more profitable and easy to be the fucking, the right wing comic now. Oh, for sure. Because like the left wing comics, they still have to go through this stupid process

Like, they kind of got fucked that the people that were sucking them off were, like, the dying TV and movie industry. Tell me about it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Check out Ian Special on HBO Latino. I just did my fourth Tonight Show last week.

Yeah, dude. If you had... Yeah, you fucked up, man. It does. I mean, forget as white guys, because the white guy right-wing field is a little crowded. It's a little crowded. Even though you can rise pretty quickly. But somebody like me on that side? Oh, my God. I would be a shooting star if I wanted to. Talking about how, actually, we destabilize. The black family destabilizes itself. If you said that,

Oh, my God, dude. It would just be a rave. For real, dude, that would be some of the worst fans of all time. But, hey, you would have... You know what kind of sucks, though? Like, because sometimes, obviously, you tour and you do places where all there is is, like, right-wing people. And they come to my shows, and I'm like...

They're good comedy fans sometimes. As long as you don't talk about the stuff they don't like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. But other than that, they're good comedy fans. They'll take some observational humor. Yeah, yeah, they're good. Just don't mention anything they disagree with. But it is fun to do. I will say one thing. Like, Austin definitely has become more of a right-leaning comedy audience, for sure. I like that that exists, though, because it's fun to be able to go...

Like you I tell a joke about how Elon Musk is a piece of shit here Yeah No problem Yeah I tell it there There's half the audience just crossing their arms And being like Hmm Talk about gay guys You know what I mean Like You're like I'm getting there And I'm like Don't worry That's coming We're getting to that part Right

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It was just an interesting observation because we love watching comedy that sucks dick for fun. That's one of my... That's like, whenever we're kind of scrolling endlessly, if it's me, Eldest, and a couple of our friends, we're like, someone will inevitably say, let's throw on something horrible, or they've had something pinned. And I guess that also... I wonder if that legitimately is a real cultural difference between black guys and white guys. Like...

I hate watching things. Ironic watching. I don't really get... I never got the sense growing up that my black friends liked doing that. It's kind of like a... It grows out of sort of like being a hater and a troll in the depths of your fucking... of the internet. Like it's kind... It's grown out of that. And I just feel like...

I just, I really, and I'm not, you know, I can definitely think of a couple of my black friends that love doing that with me, but it's like, for the most part, there is something like you being like, you just watch shit that sucks was so sobering to think of it that way, where it's like, yeah, I guess I do. I guess...

I guess I seek out things that are bad. But personally, I think there's like a quaint charm to that, to the fact that you can just watch it and just let it exist in your own world. You don't have to go on Reddit and make like a whole thing about it. That's a good point. You just watch it. You're like, this fucking sucks. And then you just get up and go make dinner. Well, I'll say this. I watch things that suck and I don't have the negative Reddit reaction. I get pure...

pure glee from it. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, that, not only am I not mad. I don't have that neither. I'm like that too. Like, I'll watch it and like, I don't get angry. Like, some people get angry. Right, right, right, right. Which, you ever, I mean, you probably don't engage in comments, but some comments, you just want to be like,

Bro, why are you angry? Like, you could have just scrolled past. It's like so much other stuff out there. And some people are like, some people literally are like, why do I keep getting this bullshit on my feed? Like, don't comment that. And then I'll reply because you're commenting on it. Yeah, exactly. You just juiced the algorithm, bro. The algorithm thinks this is what you enjoy. Yeah, yeah. That's so, yeah, it's fucking funny. But yeah, there was no, I'm trying to think, what do you think the first thing we watched ironically was?

That's a very interesting... Because definitely some of the things I liked growing up, in hindsight, people said were bad. But I just think that's my... I like shitty comedy movies people thought were shitty. I love Night at the Roxbury. I love it too. People think that's shitty? Yeah, yeah. I thought that was a classic. It holds up. I watched it recently. It holds up. It's a classic, in my opinion. But that's not exactly what I'm talking about. I'm trying to think. Can you come up with anything we watched and made fun of? I'm thinking back to college. I mean...

One thing that comes to mind is like, we've always loved rap music, but just the audacity of the lyrics is like an example of that, where it's like, this is so over the top and hilarious. Yeah, maybe Lil Wayne's mixtape run was kind of like the beginning of us both loving something and being like, that's a crazy lyric. You know what I mean? That is an interesting...

that might be true. And then, obviously, when 2 Chainz was coming out, he had some bangers. Rick Ross had some great stuff that you could...

I think like the first time I saw something and was like personally offended, not because of anything they did, just because I was like, this is so bad that it's like, I feel disrespected. I saw it at the movies. It was like Scary Movie 5. Oh, that actually might be it. It was like Scary Movie 5. No, I think you're right. I saw it at the theaters. I've never seen this before. It was a packed theater. The credits roll. People got up and booed.

like the director wasn't there yeah yeah yeah people just wanted the theater to know that they were mad about what they just witnessed you know what's funny dude I think you're right because I love the scary movies yeah the first maybe even up to three maybe up to three one and two are great one and two unimpeachable three I want to say it was actually a pretty good time yeah I don't remember it was either four or five yeah dude you're

I'm having a flashback too. Cause like, and what's funny is Simon Rex is in those and we went on to love. That was a, that was a guy we loved when he was like doing like, you know, weird rapping. Uh,

in that MySpace era. He was fucking awesome. Dirt Nasty. We loved him as Dirt Nasty, but I remember that... Because the other thing is, I didn't do any research. It wasn't like we'd look up a movie. I got there and I was like, who the fuck are the Wayans brothers? You know what I mean? It's like people you don't know at all. It's like by the fifth one, I don't even think any of the original cast members were in it. No, they left after two. Yeah, but I think the third one had...

They weren't there, but I think they had other original cast members. Yeah, they had other original cast members. But by the end... Those guys are good at that type of movie. They're so good at that. They're one of the best. I mean, that airplane type of slapstick. They were so good. And now they're making a new one. They actually got them back to make it. But part five, dude, I remember watching it and I was like... Who's in part five? Let's find... Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen. Yes, dude. It's so funny. We were having this exact...

experience at the same time on Up and Down 95. Wow, I mean, no one's in it. Yeah, Simon Rex, Terry Crews, Mac Miller was in it. May he rest in peace. Ashley Tisdale, Charlie Sheen.

Yeah, I mean, that's tough stuff. I mean, that's a who's who of comedy genius. But they have good people. Like, Cat is in it. Yeah, but he's in it for a scene probably. Yeah, obscure scenes. Daryl Hammond was in it. He's the man. But yeah, no, that's a good one. Like, for example, I saw Juana Man in theaters and was like, that was good. Me too. I mean, you're naming classics, right? You haven't named a bad movie yet.

But that's interesting. Yeah, scary movie might be, yeah, what's the first thing you saw? And we're like, wait, this sucks. What was that one Uwe Boll movie that started with like a 9-11 scene? I don't know if that's the first, but that's like an early example I could think of that just something so purely edgelord, droll, not even funny, but just like exists to be provocative. And we were just like.

A little in wonderment of, like, how stupid and, like, obvious or something it was. I don't think I even saw it, though. I think I was just, like, you know, being like, oh, that's going to be hilarious. We didn't see it, but I remember we thought, like, that scene trailer was hilarious. Yeah, because in 2009, to do a joke of a guy hitting the Twin Towers, that still hit. That still was, like, audacious. Yeah, yeah. Now...

fucking seven-year-olds will make a Twin Towers joke the way we would make Pearl Harbor jokes. Like, to them, they don't fucking give a fuck. But at the time... What's fascinating with me, with, like, movies or even stand-up specials, where I, like, my mind starts to think, like...

How many people, before this got to me, how many people saw this and was like, yeah, let's put this out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, this is something good. Oh, with movies, it's even crazier. That's what I'm saying. Because, like, I mean, you know. They do, like, they'll screen it for people. Yeah. And people will be like, yeah, this is fucking awesome. Hundreds of people, even on a low-budget movie, hundreds of people work on a movie. Right.

No one says shit at any point. People see the script. People see the... It's like all the actors are like, yeah, okay. Everyone's just like, whatever. Yeah. We're just fucking... We're just doing it. Yeah. I wonder if like if I... Because I think what happens is you get sucked up into the vacuum and you start to just... It becomes like an echo chamber where everyone is just like, this is good. So I guess you start to believe that it's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I wonder if I was like on set if I'd be able to say like,

This is garbage. Like, this is not good. I'm trying to say, yeah, yeah, yeah. You probably feel it, but you're like, maybe you're like, what the fuck am I going to do about it? I'm here. Yeah, I'll definitely take the check and do a bad movie for sure. I would love to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

but i would come on a podcast and talk shit about it yeah the tim dillon approach yeah to joker i mean he that motherfucker's been trashing joker in a hysterical way he's the man for that was a bad one i know i that one i'm interested to see because i think it might be so bad it's like one of those things where people are like this isn't even bad good yeah and i'm like we'll see about

Yeah. Yeah. We have to watch it. Actually, elders, we should do our official review of Joker. No, there's a level of bad where you get offended. Like you get. Oh, you know what else? The fucking the that Mark Wahlberg, the plants are killing people movie. I saw that. I never saw the happening. Maybe that was called.

I think that like there's like a level of bad where you're like, this is bad. It's just not for me. Yeah. And then there's a level of bad where you're like, like you want to write your senators. Yeah. And like get the shit removed. What about when you were a little kid? Was there something that I'm trying to think of? There's like a Disney movie I hate or like what's the very first like memory you can have of some being like yuck? Because it is funny when a little kid really doesn't like something. Yeah. They won't fucking hide it at all.

Have you seen... Really? I think it's tough. Like, kids, what do... Like, I can't think of, like, a kid not liking something. Have you ever seen your nieces reject something? My wife tried to sit my niece down to make her watch, like, the original, like, Beauty and the Beast because she just loved it so much when she was a kid. That's a classic, yeah. And, like, my niece was, like, just bawling because it looks like old bullshit if you're a kid. Like, the animation is completely different than it was now. She was the AI bullshit. And she was, like, you know, she, like...

My wife had a wager with her. She's like, just watch it for five minutes, and if you don't like it, we can turn it off. She was counting down the clock. She was like three years old. She was like, it's five minutes up. I don't want to watch this. Owned your wife, dude. That's tough. Losing a battle of wills to a three-year-old.

You got to respect her for at least hanging in for that five minutes. I had moments like that when I was a kid. Like, you know, I loved Rugrats, Doug, all that classic shit. Then, like, the new wave of cartoons comes in and, like, you...

you just like don't like it. You're not into it. And it's probably just as I was getting older, but I was like, oh, this isn't anywhere as good as fucking Rugrats. It starts so early. Yeah. I wonder what's the age where you're literally like as a kid, like this fucking sucks. This is garbage. I feel like we're seeing more kids say that now. I feel like kids are pickier now. But what do you mean it?

What do you mean? Because sometimes it's cool to say something sucks. Well, like, for example, our friend has a baby and that motherfucker, if you're not putting on Finding Nemo, he's not interested. Yeah. He's two. You know what I mean? Yeah. So to him, or like he'll watch Cars. You know what I mean? But like, it is interesting. I wonder how many little ass kids have, if that's where they have to start. The first generation of like the Pixar kind of computery ones. Yeah. And if they'll watch like, because I...

I feel for your wife because I've thought that too. It's like, you know, if someone in my family has a kid, I'm like, oh, I want to watch the shit I liked as a little kid. But it's like, you know, they're not going to want to watch a lot. They're not going to watch Pee Wee's playhouse. Like, Pee Wee's playhouse to a little kid, it's like a bunch of people. No. Also, I feel like a lot of the stuff we watched when we were kids, now as adults, we look back and you're like, this had weird sexual connotations.

It's not a weird sexual undertone. Well, definitely all the Nickelodeon shit with that fat, you know, there's that fat pervert who was like fucking giving. Well, Spongebob has like sex jokes in it. Like it legitimately has like, like that's what she said type jokes for kids. Shout out. You know what? I was not, I didn't like Spongebob when he first came out.

but I changed my tune later on. Oh, SpongeBob's great. No, it's a banger, but I remember being, I think it was a little bit of what you're describing where it was like, this isn't Rocco's modern life. I was a little like that too, but the consistency of SpongeBob, it's like, I got one over even like in middle school when I was done with cartoons or something. No, no, for sure. Absolutely. That was one that you're like, because it caught us generationally at a time where it's like, I'm not a fucking little ass kid. I'm not watching you cartoons. And then you just watch it.

You just watch it as a man in middle school. You're like... Spongebob might be the Seinfeld of cartoons. Ooh, that's interesting. But, like, it's a thing where... That's interesting. Ha ha ha!

When you watch it, you're like, objectively, this is really good. This is putting out good stuff. They're trying to find a formula for a Krabby Patty. This is good. This is good. Yeah. Well-defined characters. Right, right. Honestly, characters that do, the same way you watch Seinfeld, still holds up in a way that I don't think shit from like, you know, like Seinfeld now is what?

30 years old? Yeah. 40 years old almost? Yeah, 30, yeah. 30, yeah. 30 years is... That's a lot. And it still holds up. Same way it's like you recognize the characters, the archetypes. Yeah. Spongebob, the archetypes are pretty good. They're good. Doofus,

His doofus friend, the try-hard Spongebob. Squidward, just a fucking piece of shit. Sandy, the enthusiastic girl that no one has a chance at fucking, but they all secretly want to. You know that's the subtext there. Sandy's like Elaine. Yes! That is true. It's the Spongebob of cartoons. It's almost like Kramer's Spongebob, though, I feel like.

Anyway. Couldn't Kramer be Patrick?

Because Patrick is like a little goofy and he does goofy shit. The thing with Seinfeld was that Seinfeld was the one, he was the blank slate that you could project anything onto. Yeah. He really didn't have much personality in the show. It was about everybody else. Right. And he was kind of the straight man, even though he was the stand-up comic. Right, right. Everyone else. And so it's like Spongebob's definitely not the straight man. If anything, Squidward is the closest thing to the straight. Squidward might be Jerry, honestly. Yeah.

Interestingly enough. Yeah, maybe, maybe. In some ways. It's not a one-for-one, but I take your point of, like, as a kid's cartoon, because then obviously we can start thinking, even though the Simpsons are... It's a different division than Simpsons and all that other stuff. Yeah. Kid's cartoon...

Spongebob being Seinfeld is a pretty good take. It's not bad. I just had like a weird moment where I'm like, man, this is where we are, like in media. Like we're having an introspective conversation about whether Spongebob and Seinfeld, the correlations they had as characters.

and what happened to Ernest Conversations. And your listeners are going to listen to it and be like, this is good. I think this might be the most thought-provoking question we've ever introduced on the podcast. Man, I love this pod. They really get into it. Oh, fuck, dude. Save on Cox Internet when you add Cox Mobile and get fiber-powered internet at home and unbeatable 5G reliability on the go.

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Were you like a latchkey kid? Did you just watch TV by yourself? Yeah, I did. I did watch TV by myself, but I was the youngest of five, so it's like... Somehow I feel like I never even knew that. Five? Holy shit. So growing up, I had older sisters and brothers, and

you know, when you have older, sometimes you just want to watch what they want. Like, I remember watching Jamie Foxx, I Might Need Security, his stand-up special, when I was, like, six. That's awesome. And he's talking about, like, sleeping with J-Lo. And I'm like, hey. That was, like, my first introduction to stand-up. So I used to watch, like, Hey Arnold, but then I would watch, like,

you know, deaf comedy jam when it got brought back in the 90s. That's so funny. At six? Yeah. What were the ages? What are we talking? Like, who's the closest to you? I have one sister who's a year older than me. And then the rest are a lot because my mom, she was married two times. Oh.

I have one sister who's like 10. My brother's 10 years older. My sister's like 15. And another sister's like 17. Oh, so your brother who was 10 years older, was he around? Yeah, yeah. We all grew up in the same house. Oh, fuck. So you were really almost like the mascot of the family. You're the baby. Kind of. But I'm not like a look at me guy. I was kind of like the quiet, watching. Was your sister more like that? Yeah.

Because you two were the babies of the family. Yeah, no, no. Actually, none of us were like that. No, yeah. It was weird because we just didn't have that dynamic. We were kind of all just like... I wasn't like a mute, but I wasn't like... Everybody was like roommate, polite roommates to each other. There was that. My mom ran a tight ship. Everybody was all business. Yeah. We used to put on our suits, watch...

Friday night movie and you go to sleep at a decent time. That's so fucking funny. It's funny when you go to like, you know, you do like these like meetings or whatever with like industry people and they, especially if you're a minority, they want you to say that like you came from like a crack house that like, I had to sell crack when I was six years old just to keep the lights on. That's like, they're digging something.

for that. And you're like, you don't have it. Tell me some trauma. Yeah, I'm like, I don't know. Sometimes my mom wouldn't cook on Friday. She'd order Chinese food. They're like, she was prostituting herself? I'm like, no. I just think she was tired from work. She was taking night classes to go to law school. And they're like, she's a little tired. You see them get mad?

You didn't get mad because you didn't get molested? And your uncle, he took some liberties? No, he just needed to get back on his feet in between consulting gigs. Yeah, he's a great uncle. He made some bad investments, didn't play the market exactly right, so he just crashed with us for a month until he got a new hedge fund job. He used to do the dishes. We didn't have a dishwasher. Is that trauma? I know most...

Most people have a dishwasher. We didn't. He would wash the dishes. It was fine. Have you seen Julio Torres' show about... The Shapes thing? No, he did a... Shapes was a special, I think, but he has a show called Phantasmas, which is fucking hysterical, and it does... It talks a lot about that, where it's like...

That's a running theme about, like, trying to get him to make something about, you know, his poor abuela. You know what I mean? Like, he's just trying to make his own shit, and they're like... It's so fucking funny. Speaking of gay shit, gay comedy that I love, that's one of the gayest shows they're making, and it's fucking hilarious. Yeah, yeah, I gotta check that out. It's so funny, but it deals with that exact theme of, like, them wanting you to tap dance, but in a different way. Right, right, yeah, yeah. No, dude, that happens a lot. Like, it happens...

And that's kind of what I'm worried with now, because I feel like the pendulum just swings. And now I'm like, I thought we was out of that woke thing. And I feel like now, in response to the new president, it's just going to swing back. And I don't want it to swing back. I don't want it to be... I'm a little worried about that, too. I think, I do think, because it's not, you can't even pretend that anti-cancer culture shit is rebellious when...

There's a Republican billionaire in office. You know what I mean? You can't pretend... It's like, yeah, no one... My hope is that people that talk about all this woke bullshit realize that just policing people's behavior means absolutely nothing. You're not making a fucking difference. That people... We have to abandon that shit and actually talk about the reasons people...

people act out in ways that are fucked because it's like, yeah, I'm not going to say there's not racism and homophobia and shit like that, but it's like nobody's offering people any solutions. Democrats aren't saying, Democrats are pretending shit's good. So then if your only other option is like, well, it's actually Latinos and gay guys that's the reason your life's bad. People who are fucking dumb and poor are going to be like,

Yeah. Yeah. It is fucking Latinos and gay guys. Whereas like you could say rich guys are fucking, but it's so my hope is that the, like,

Not that there even is a left in this country anymore. Democrats are now fucking just moderate Republicans. But my hope is that, like, there will be a real left that talks about economic issues. Because, like, that's what happens. Rich people... Like, the party of the rich wants to fucking keep... Like, wants to pretend it's cultural issues, whether it's race, gay, whatever the fuck. Even gender now with, like, taking away fucking abortion rights. Right?

They want to pretend that that is what's keeping you apart when it's like it's always economics. Yeah. It's always that rich people want to take your money. They don't want to. They want to be the ones that don't pay taxes and make all their money off of your off your back and off your work. But I think I think in entertainment, sometimes I find that like we have such a quick like how quickly we forget. Like, I don't think while while Trump was in office the last time, I don't think there was a worse time for like a straight white man.

It's just not funny. In like history of America. Like I don't think there was a worse time to be in the sense of like,

woke movement had them pinned down. Trump got out of office and the woke movement kind of shifted and those guys all got elevated and became super famous. So like the narrative of like, we want to go back to that thinking it's like a bashing of like, did you forget that that was like the toughest time? The worst. There were so many people who deserved like were funny and killing it and deserved specials and deserved things. And the industry was literally like, we're not taking white guys. I'm like, did you forget that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, they don't understand. Yeah, it is fucking stupid. And I hope that... Because people want to pretend they're doing something and they're acting like they're offended at a racy joke. It's like...

You could have just, like, done something to stop him from getting an office. You know what I mean? Like, instead, now that he's won, they have to show... It's like that showing you're a good guy and not doing anything. You know what I mean? I think it's weird, too. Like, as comedians now, like, we're, like, they're, like, getting into, like, political... It sucks. That's so strange. Dude, I'm more... I thought we were supposed to, like, be objective and be like, look at these two assholes. I'm really... That's not what we were supposed to do. I know, dude. I'm really worried. It's like...

Because I have very, I have my own beliefs, obviously, but it's like, I've tried to hold off. Of course. But it does get to the point. For the sake of comedy. For the sake of comedy, but it does, it is even getting to the point where I'm like, at some point it becomes like, you kind of have to say something if half the industry is like,

actively championing some shit that I know is, that I personally believe is fucked up. I'm trying to hold off. I'm not, you know, we're all friends here. This is my personal podcast, but I never want to fucking, you don't want to be the person who's like hours about that.

It sucks. Yeah, no, I mean, dude, yeah, like, I mean, I hope, I hope we just, I hope we're just going through an era and like we move, we move, because I, I understand there's a space for like, like you said, that introspective, thought provoking comedy, but the fact that everyone has to be doing that. Yeah, and some of the dumbest people you've ever met in your life. Some,

Some of the truly stupidest people on earth are trying to do that shit. Well, I'm like, I mean, look, my act is about women calling me gay. Yes.

that's my fight yeah yeah as a small as a small fashionable man yeah you're gonna be fighting that fight that's what am i acting yeah i wanted to ask you about that you're coming on my corner on the mustache corner dude yeah but yours was very nice and yeah yeah i had a mustache i was you know i was just i was thinking about that i was just going through i was like let me just try something different it worked it worked it opened up it opened up a

door for like a it was like older women were interesting i was like attractive who really yeah you know yeah you get the little mustache yeah they're like wow you remind me of like my boyfriend in the 80s which which that was nice and then other guys with mustache we'd have that what do you do for the mustache bro yeah that was that was nice are you interested in an older woman

I mean, I guess it depends. I'm not like I think it's weird to go outside and be like, I want an older woman. Sure. Like a girl your age comes by. You just give it like a stiff. Of course. You don't have like a defined type in that way. No, no, I don't think so. I I'm open. Sure. I'm open. But then it's like I'm kind of worried of like like a friend of mine. She told me she was dating a guy who was.

30 years older than her. Wow. And at the time, he was like 55 or something. And I was just like, you have like five more years before he's like... I'm like, you really have like five more years before this man is 60? Like, have you thought about this at all? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was like, yeah, like I thought about it. I'm like, I don't think you're thinking about this. Yeah.

Yeah, I think, yeah, I mean, it is obviously case by case. I mean, there's, it depends who you marry, right? It's like, I marry a, I'm a 35-year-old obese man, like, you know, Mediterranean man. And if I marry, there's 65-year-old Asian women now that will outlive me. You know what I mean? So it kind of depends if your friend is like, you know, if your friend is kind of a,

you know, mess that's going to die early. Maybe date somebody that's going to, you know, that might hold up. But even that, it's not even a fact about living because you could live to 100, but it's like, do you want to be 60 years old dating a 100-year-old? Yeah.

Even if they're alive, is that the life you want? I mean, you have like 15 years before you're literally taking care of this person like the elderly. Right, right, right. You're literally having to like get your soup. Right, right, right. Is that the life you want from 40 on? That's an interesting conundrum. Some women appear to want that, weirdly. Well, women like older. Older is like an attractive thing. Sure. Which when I was a younger dude, I was like, what's that about? But now when I'm like in my mid-30s, I'm like, ah.

You're like, nice. Time to collect. Yeah, yeah. Time to collect on all the pussy I lost to 35-year-olds when I was 21.

Hey, I'm right there with you, brother. I've definitely had that thought. I'm like, yeah, I get it. Dude, not to bring back the PC thing, but I was thinking about this when I was coming to. Because, like, it's so funny because, like, the PC guys, like, they're like the anti-woke. They're like, we can't say anything, which I'm like, just say the thing. You can say whatever you want. Just say it and let whatever happens happen. Stop trying to fight. I'm like, Star Rose, you tweet out, you know. Yeah.

Just wrapped up on a movie with love head. Like you're literally leaving like a Netflix filming like, oh, today was a long day. I would love if a young woman just came over and gave me head. It's true. That is what I would love. And everyone's like, oh, he's so earnest.

This man is so true. He's a truth teller. You just got to be yourself, man. And I've never heard you be like, oh, man, I can't say what I want to say. No, I think it's, you obviously can say whatever the fuck you want to say. That's the craziest thing. The only thing you really might get in trouble for is dropping an N-bomb. That's really the hardest thing. And it's like, why do you want to say that?

You know what I mean? That's weird. Or, you know, the classic homophobic F-slur. You know what I mean? Sure, it's hilarious. It's funny in certain circumstances. When Eldest is dressed a certain way, you want to call him that. Of course. Of course I want to say that to him. Of course.

He's trying out stripes that don't really suit him. And it's whatever, man. You want it, you don't say. And is that, by the way, is that that big a deal? It's literally two. It's literally two words that you actually probably can't say most of the time. Yeah, but also, I think a lot of times it's like, you can say it, but they want to remove themselves of the weight of having to make it good. It's like, you can say it if it's great.

Even that, yeah, but it has to be, yeah, you're walking a tightrope. Right. And you can't fucking do it. But walk the rope. Don't be like, give me a,

a platform. A really big ass, yeah, a really big ass fucking sheet of plywood. Right. I want to be, yeah, I want to be able to stumble barely over plywood. Right, right, yeah, which is, you know, it'll swing back, which I'm, I felt like it swung extremely one way and I'm worried for the extreme swing back. Yeah. I felt like we were in a good place. We'll be fine, man. Who gives a fuck? Everybody was just saying whatever. The world, it's all bullshit. Yeah. Um,

Damn. I get... Oh, yeah. I'm still... I didn't realize the five... That's fucking crazy. But it was just like...

And you grew up in Queens, right? Mm-hmm. And so it was just like you were in a, you know, five siblings is still a lot, even if shit was nice and orderly. Yeah, but the fact that they were so much older than me, by the time I was like in my teenage years, they were kind of out the house. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. And they were kind of doing their own thing. So it wasn't like we was like, I remember probably until I was like maybe 11, 12, it was all of us.

And after 12, like when I was 12, my sister was like 26 and she got married. Right, right, right. She left and my brother started, he was out. So it wasn't like. That's a very immigrant. I mean, that's how fucking Greek people in Greece are where it's like you stay in the house until you get married. Right. Actually, a lot of people in fucking Greek town are like that weirdly. Like where I grew up, they still kind of behave that way. Yeah. You left. You were, you weren't, you didn't wait till you got married. No, I didn't wait till I got married. I left.

my house I mean I went away to college and then when I came back I stood at home for a couple years and then I left at like 28 29 I got my own place but if it were up to my parents yeah they would be like stay here forever they'll be like get married and move in to the

Take the basement apartment. That's fucking hilarious. Which I kind of get. I kind of get it. Like, you know, you've heard this before. Like, a lot of white parents, when they're like, when you turn 18, they're like, get the fuck out. Which is like, do you hate your kids? Yeah, it's so weird. Like, I would think that if I had kids, I would be like, yeah. Chill. I'd love to see you. I mean, there are those depressing statistics where it's like, when you fucking, by the time you leave for college, you've seen your parents like,

80% of the time you're gonna see them your whole life. You know what I mean? And then I think about it, I'm like, it is kind of like, I don't see, and I have a good relationship with my mom, I don't see her that much, you know what I mean? It is fucking wild. And also there's something nice about, like I like the idea of being able to live near your friends or your family or whatever it is. There is something, and also the way like,

humanity should be you have a kid it's nice if a fucking uncle or grandma or somebody is fucking right there yeah because that's also how parents don't go crazy right like it is kind of like more of a group family effort but here's a like this is like a weird statistic that i just thought of when you said that when i left my house which was probably like 29 when i moved out of my house

which was like right before COVID. Cause I had, we had a three family and I had one of the apartments. - Oh, that's beautiful. - That was nice. - That's a beautiful setup. - But then I wanted my own space. So I moved out. When I moved out of my house, which was 2020, I, my mom who's since has passed away, she got sick, got cancer and passed away. I saw my mom, like after I moved out of my house, I saw my mom less than a hundred times. - Yeah, dude. - So when I moved out, I had already saw her 95% of the time. - Right, that was most of it. - And I was gonna see her. And then the rest of it was like,

I saw, I used to come over and see her in the holidays and stuff, but she only lived like three years past that. And I saw her less than a hundred times. So that's like something to think about. Totally. We don't, we just kind of flow through life thinking that it'll be like forever, but it's not. I know that's the fuck it's, it is fucking sad to be like, damn. I mean, we're, we're all at the fuck. We're all the same. You're 35. 34, 34. Yeah. We're all pretty much the same age. It's like, this is when it hits you that it's like, Oh man,

It's the... The hearts at the top of the screen, they're not gonna go on forever. You know what I mean? They're shrinking just a little bit. You know what I mean? Dude, I mean, I don't know when this happened. I think it was after 30. Like, I constantly walk around thinking that, like, I'm dying. Yeah. Like...

Like physically, like I think, and I'm like pretty good in shape. I go to the gym and I'm like, I'll get chest pain. And I'm like, here it is. Here it is. Yeah, but that's what you're thinking. What do you think? What do you think I'm thinking over here? I wonder what do other people think? Oh, me, dude, I'm the same, but also for good reason.

I mean, last year, on that last tour, I've been... I've talked about it, but it's like, I thought I was gonna die, like, half of the night. I was, like, going to bed fucked up, taking, you know, taking, like, pills, eating like shit. You know what I mean? And I was like... Dude, I thought, like, because you... Because I did a couple stops with you on this tour, and I went up there, and I thought, like...

I was like, all right, I'm opening for Stav. I thought it was going to be like backstage. It's going to be like strippers walking around in panties. And it was going to be like rock and roll. And then I show up and it's like a Thai buffet. Yeah.

Like, in between shows, you're like, we had this whole restaurant catering for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, well, this is nice, too. We were eating and getting fucked up. And yeah, I mean, it was Albany. I don't know what the pussy's looking like in Albany. You know what I mean? There's cities where you're like, all right, we're going to put, we're going to think about the catering a little more than the after party in certain cities. Yeah.

To be fair. I think, actually, I think sometimes that's when you go to like a shit city, like not to say Albany is a shit city. It is. No, it is. But that's not what I'm trying to say. But I...

But I think sometimes when you're playing the egg, this is like the big theater in Albany. It's like the top notch of that city is going to come out. Perhaps. So that's kind of nice. Perhaps. Because every city has a top. Sure, sure, sure. Every city has some hotties that are going to move to LA, Miami, or New York. Sure, you got to catch them.

Before they go. Before they go. That's true. That's a good point. When are you going back out? Are you going back out? We're going back out actually by the time this episode comes out. The Dreamboat Tour is being advertised. If you're one of those top hotties in the city. You can come for free. Yeah, DM me for real. DM me a picture of your tits. We'll get you in there for free. No problem. See, you can say anything.

Fuck, you got to come back again. We spent too much time talking about how annoyed we are at cancel culture warriors. So yeah, go see Ian Hilarious, one of my favorites, and a just good comic who doesn't, is not going to preach to you. We'll just write good jokes. Imagine my act is completely different now. Yeah, yeah, you go up there, you're like, these fucking trains are trying to play. I go to bat for you, you're like, dude. They're trying to play sports. They're trying to...

They're trying to beat the shit out of your little girl. Yeah, this is something I really give a fuck about. Women's college tennis. Now I fucking care about that for some fucking reason. I'm the guy that talks about how boring the WNBA is, if you'll fucking let me hear it. But now I care about Division II women's minor college sports. Anyway, whatever.

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Apply today at wgu.edu. Eldest, hit us with a fucking question, little buddy. Hey, Stavi. Not playing. Stavi, baby.

Hey Stavi, Stavi baby and Elvie. Um, weird thing, I guess not that weird. I'm in a good relationship, like the best relationship I've ever been in. Nice. My issue though is that I've just put on so much weight since I've been in this relationship. Like, I'm aware that like people get happy and they maybe put on extra weight, but I'm like 260 pounds.

My goal weight. How tall is he? Would love to get a nice trim 260 again. Nice lean. Nice lean 260 at 5'7". Go ahead, Elders. I'm like 206 pounds now and I've never been this big. I've always been in good shape.

And the problem is that whenever I, like, take my shirt off around my girlfriend, she's, like, she gets turned on by it. She loves that I'm big. She just loves my belly. And you're a big guy. And I don't know, like, is it weird that I, like, feel insecure about it? Because, like, if she likes it, then who cares? I don't know. It's just...

Like, is there a way I could be like, hey, I like that you like that I'm sexy, but I don't like that I feel so fucking fat all the time. Those Fs hurt me, dude. I don't know. His enunciation hit me. I feel this way about it, but I just, like, I feel like this relationship has been so good, but mentally, like, physically, I'm, like, just not in a good place health-wise. Interesting. I don't know. One...

The hard F fat I've never felt before. Yeah, I feel like he's like roasting you. You're the fucking fat one. Yeah.

Yeah, and he's complaining that his girl wants to fuck him too much. Yeah, yeah. This is strange. This is, I mean, yeah, you're weak-minded, my friend. You have one of the most weak minds I've ever come across. You're basically letting societal standards that your own girl that you love and say you're in a great relationship, your own girl doesn't subscribe to, you're letting what other people...

Other faceless, nameless people might think of you affect how you see yourself, right? And look, I'm not going to tell you that you should be fat, right? From a health perspective, obviously, like if what if your diet has gone to shit, if there's things in your life that you want to fucking take care of, that's fine. But if you're in a place where your partner loves the way you look and

And you can adjust your habits to be healthy. Maybe you lose a little weight. Maybe you start working out more. And so you can become big in a different way. And maybe you kind of meet it halfway where, you know, you're taking care of your diet. You're not overdoing it. And you start to feel healthy. And maybe you don't look. Also, you're aging. Maybe you don't look as good as you used to when you were younger, whatever.

If you can get to a place where you feel healthy and you're still a little bigger than you'd like, who fucking... You're being a fucking pussy about this. You're in a great spot right now, and I wouldn't let this, like... It feels like, to me, he's... This is some, like, fat phobia that he's turning onto himself a little bit. You know what I mean? Yeah, this reminds me a lot... I feel like women have this issue a lot sometimes. Yes. Where, like, they'll be like, you know, I hate my huge big titties. Right. And then...

And then the man would be like, well, I love your big titties. And they'll be like, well, I want to get a breast reduction. And the man was like, well, I'll leave you. He'll be like, oh, I'll leave you if you fuck up with the Lord. What did you say? Right. I feel like this is just reverse. Like this woman is like, don't you dare lose a pound. Yeah. And he's like, but I don't feel sexy. Yeah. It's just like crazy.

I hate to sort of turn toxically masked. I hate to turn toxic mask. This is basically toxic masculinity versus fat phobia. And I'm like, fucking bitch. You know what I mean? You're being a fucking pussy chief. Yeah, 260. You know, I don't know. Look, if he is, he's five feet.

260, that's huge, but 260 is not terrible. Right. And you could stay around there and still, you know, be active, don't be a slob. That's not bad. Yeah, exactly. And I do think, I really think more than anything, this is your, this is like internalized, you know, you don't feel hot the way traditionally women struggle with. But it's like, who is it? I guess the question is, who is...

What about this? Really look at the stem and the root of this feeling to you. Because for me, I can tell you personally, and maybe this is a little obvious to people, but like I only ever...

I mean, now I've gotten old enough where it is about my health because like... But when I was younger, it's like I only lost weight to get attention from women. Sure. It was never about anything else. And that's my own issue that I let that dictate a little too much of my thing. But it's like there's also the exact... You could go a little bit opposite where it's like...

This isn't even affecting how... This isn't even a positive to you. You seem so sad and you've kind of hit the jackpot. You've hit a situation that most men would kill for. You get to get fucking chubby and your bitch loves it. And then, yeah, dude, do some fucking bicep curls. Be like a stout bouncer type guy and eat a little less. If you're feeling unhealthy, fix the other parts of your life, but don't worry so much about your body.

Work on how you think about yourself and think about why you're so judgmental to yourself. Dude, I once dated a girl and she was like a small girl. She was probably like five foot two, like petite girl. And her thing was she wanted a man that was like 300 plus. What's she up to? I'll tell her to holler at me, dude. I felt the opposite. I was like, I'll never be that. Yeah, yeah.

I could never be 300 plus pounds. No, I have literally found... There have been times where I hooked up with somebody randomly, right? On one of my great solicitations that you talked about earlier, right? And I assumed they were a fan of some... Of the podcast, of stand-up, whatever. And I hooked up with a couple girls who...

straight up did not really know who I was and they liked fat guys and I was just like a fat guy on the internet that they wanted to fuck there are people out there they were hot one for two but you know one was very hot one was fine you know but but no no it's like people exist like this and it's like they definitely and he's in his case it's like you found somebody who likes that

You need to figure out this is your own shit. You need to figure out what's at the center of it. And that's sort of more long term advice. Practical advice. I think you hit it on the head, which is like,

You're not, you know, work out a little bit. Don't get fucking, don't feel overly sloppy or whatever the fuck. But you're fine, dude. I feel like he should have sent a picture with this call. Yes, I'd love to see how fat you are. He should have sent us a photo so we could be like, oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, we take it back. Fuck what she said. We take it back. I don't know. Your tits are so strange, dude. You've got the, I thank the Lord that he gave me the best tits.

fat load out possible. This is the, you want to have this kind of, you can weigh as much as me and be much fluffier and shittier and I've got, which people say is bad. Hard fat is actually really bad for your vital organs. It is? But it looks good. It's bad? The fluff, you want to be a real fluffy guy apparently. Do you think, what if, like, do you think if, like, let's say you lost 100 pounds right now. 100 I could do no problem and I would still be fat by the way. Really? I would be, I'm probably 310 right now.

So let's say you got down to a lean 180. 180, 5'7", 180. Do you think your career would change? It would change for sure. I mean, I think I would... First of all, I don't want to be 180. That's weird to me. I would love legitimately to be 220. That's like the lowest I'd ever... And I'm 5'7". That's like... 225.7 is big. I would still be in XLs probably. Yeah. You know what I mean? But it's like...

I don't... Yeah, I just don't... I can't even imagine... What am I going to go? Al Sharpton mode? You see that motherfucker? He's skinny as fuck. It's so weird. The highest I ever got was 170. That was like the highest. And how did it feel for you as a 170? I felt sturdy. Were you working out a bunch? No, I was being slob. Yeah, I was being slob. And I wasn't like crazy, but I felt sturdy. But I...

But I just rather, like, I just look, I feel like I look better, like, 160, 170. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is, like, but that's just what I'm used to. But I'm trying to see, like, if I got up to 220. Yeah, yeah, that'd be interesting. 220 is... I'd love to see that. I'd love to see you fat. I'd love to see everyone fat, personally. Yeah, everyone to you. I'd love to bring everybody over here and see what it's really like.

Show them they can't hang. They can't swim in these waters. But yeah, you got to get over whatever the fuck's in your head. Sorry to dismiss you, but you're sounding like a fucking bitch to me, dude. Next question, Eldis. I love how he called for earnest advice. We gave it to him. You sound like a little bitch. We gave him what he needed to hear.

Hey, Savi. So I was in a relationship for most of my 20s, and now that I'm 30, I've had a year of being single for the first time. And I'm encountering all kinds of issues in relation to being a player and balancing multiple women at one time. Wow.

And the main issue for me is physical evidence. I've been decent with the phone and I can handle that. But a lot of these women seem to be intentionally leaving evidence in my apartment to disrupt my relations with other women. This guy's out of his fucking mind. These bitches are the CIA, man. He thinks they're leaving like the leave behind. They're doing the leave behind in this apartment.

And I clean my apartment, I vacuum, I do these things, but still there are issues. And I'm wondering, I'll give some examples. An eyelash on the ground, I did not know that was something that could happen. And recently, makeup on the wall. Makeup on the wall is crazy. You press the bitch's face to the wall. And I think the worst one was behind a picture of my family. There was earrings.

which those have to be 100% intentional. So my question to you is, what is there a protocol for something like this as a man? Should we sweep through the house and make sure that the woman from before didn't leave anything sneaky for another woman? Or am I wrong for even having women

Two different women over my single apartment. We're talking about two women. I guess, have you ever encountered this issue in what would be your life? This is crazy. Two women, you can't fucking, you can't keep, you can't keep a fucking, a little consistency between two women. So this guy is talking about, this is first, he was saying this is his first time being single pretty much. And he's, how old was he? He just turned 30, I think. Okay. Or he's 30.

And he's single for the first time. Most of my 20s, gotcha. I got a specific move for this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, please. It'll work every time. So here's what you do. When you're about to bring a girl over for the first time, right? Like, let's say you got a girl coming over for the first time, but you recently had another girl that was over another time. What you do is you tell that girl that...

that like the new girl that's coming over in conversation, you mentioned that you had like your sister over the week before or you had your cousins over the week before. That you had like a little get together with like a bunch of like your female family members. Family is so important to me. Yeah. And they all came. So you'd be like, so you'll be like, hey,

Even if your apartment is fully cleaned, you're like, hey, I'm sorry if my apartment's a little crazy. My cousins were over. And, you know, they're girls. They were getting dressed. And how about this? You say your cousins. You say female and male. And then you leave like a pair of Jordans that aren't your size also. So you're covered for the male thing. Right, right. And then you also...

Yeah. Fucking Frank's shoes and fucking Sarah's earrings. Yeah. Or whatever the case may be. So when in the event that the girl you bring over does find something. Yeah. She'll be like, oh, that's my cousin's butt plug. Yeah. Yeah. That's my cousin's warming lube. Yeah. Yeah. I've used. I've used warming lube. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. This is a kid. Oh, my God. My cousin left his sex pillow here. That's good, though. I like that. This... Something about this, though, is...

This guy's talking about two women. First of all, it's not wrong to date, as long as you're not lying to anyone. That's the main thing. I'm like, who gives a fuck if they find out? I mean, this guy must not. This guy don't live in New York, I'll tell you that. You're telling me a girl you just met went on a date with and is coming back to your house to fuck you is concerned that there's another eyelash at your head? What does she think you're doing? Well, who knows where he's from, right? I don't know. Let's not reveal the area code, but you want to look it up just so we can...

Just see where it might be. Yeah, I mean, that's exactly right. So this guy is not from a major metropolitan area. He's 30. He's probably dating women around his age. Who are trying to get married. They want to get married. If he's talking about two women...

And what I was going to say is this is not really a player issue. This is a who you're dating issue. And one of these women is trying to sabotage you. And you probably haven't been completely upfront about what you're looking for. You can tell by him being like, is it wrong to date two women at once? Like he's literally thinking it's a moral issue. So he's just not used to, you know, this kind of behavior. And so it's not...

If someone's trying to do this, then you're just like, he might be dating the wrong women if you want to continue being a 30-year-old playboy in your own words here. So that's really the issue. It's not like you're not going to have to get fucking a crime scene. You're not going to get CSI over there to sweep your fucking apartment every time you fucking get your dick sucked after watching Hulu. Also, I think, look, if you're like,

I gave you a way to lie. But also, I also believe that if you in your 30s and you want to be a player, be a player. You don't got to lie. You ain't looking for your wife. You ain't just...

Yeah, somebody left her earring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what to tell you. Women fuck you. Oh, yeah. You could literally be like, oh, yeah, a friend left those here. Yeah. What, she's going to press you? It's like, yeah, we were dating. We used to date. Like, whatever. It doesn't matter. Well, I don't get it. Unless you're telling me it's your girlfriend finding stuff. Right. That's a problem. But random girls? Who cares what they find? Yeah, I mean, you heard it. His voice was shaking talking to us.

You think he could fucking be like, yeah, yeah, it's different girls. What are you going to do about it? Zip. Get the socket or get the trucking, whore. He's not going to do that.

That's the energy. I know, but he's not built for it. That New York energy. The thing is, you're enjoying the first and probably only time you're fucking multiple women at once. He's going to get married. I bet this guy's going to end up getting married to the woman who put the earrings behind that picture. This guy will be married before this episode releases. Let's be honest. We're a little backlogged. I can hear it in his voice.

So, yeah, man, that's our... Ian gave you some cover. And, yeah, you just have to... I think you need to just be more selective in who you date. You can't be dating these... And be more honest about what your intentions are. Yeah, it's weird that women are doing this, like, to him, too. I never had that. Yeah, but, again, New York City. Yeah. He's in the heartland, let's say, in a place where if you're 30...

you're probably trying to get married. You know what I mean? But it is weird. Don't get me wrong. It's weird on both their ends because clearly this is, it's insanely weirdly passive aggressive behavior on their part, but he's also just not being upfront with

She probably gets an inkling that this is going on. Doesn't, isn't going to have the conversation. He has an inkling that she has an inkling. He's putting his fucking head in the sand and trying to get double sucked as much as possible. And that's what's going on here. There's no, there's a complete lack of communication on both ends leading to insane behavior. The, the get the suck in a, get the truck in is hilarious. Yeah.

I feel like that's like, that sounds like a far right campaign. Like they're doing this like to calm a lot. It sounds like, what did you see at a Trump rally? Yeah, sure. Shit that has nothing to do with politics. You're like, what does this mean? Yeah. And I want to be clear. That is a phrase that we employ for non-political misogyny on this show. Save on Cox Internet when you add Cox Mobile and get fiber powered internet at home and unbeatable 5G reliability on the go.

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Go ahead, Eldish. This is a two-minute. Hi, Stavi. Hi, Eldish. Hi, Des. I am looking for advice from a male perspective on an issue that I have because I really don't have any close male friends, and I don't have a cool older brother that I can talk to about something like this. That's what we're here for.

So I have been in the same relationship with my husband for 11 years, married for three, so we dated for a long time. We were high school sweethearts.

Anyways, we've never had any problems. We're super compatible. We don't fight a lot. But as soon as we bought a house and kind of added a layer of responsibility, we did start to have some issues surrounding the fact that I'm the breadwinner and I was carrying most of the weight in terms of bills. And I think my husband started to feel insecure about...

his role as a husband and as a man. And we did start to have some arguments surrounding finances.

This broke motherfucker.

This fucking guy needs to ask for fucking permission to buy a golf club. And he's fucking texting bitches in his office. Good morning, baby. He said good morning, baby. Good morning, baby. 8 a.m. is really tough. Really tough. And her. OK, keep going. All this.

Get the fuck out of here. Pause it.

Your Honor, I bought the cocaine. I never did the cocaine. Yes, you did find cocaine. Look, I'm not going to argue with you. You found cocaine in my jacket. I never opened it. I never did it. I mean, they just flirted, and he's deleted all the... Anyway, let's finish up, but...

Come on. This is bad. I don't know, I'm just having a really hard time accepting that answer and moving past it. Yes! Because I just feel like I'll never really know the full truth and extent of it. It's also probably important to mention that around the time of this fling, he stopped wearing his wedding ring to work. Oh my god! What?!

Is this a prank? I mean, Jesus Christ. Are we being pranked?

Holy fuck. Okay. Also, he works? This poor woman, yeah. Yeah, what work to fucking, yeah, where the fuck was he going? Best Buy? He fucking, he had a hard day of unlocking Fitbits for people. And he fucking, you know, that gets in the way, babe. You know, when I'm taking a Sonos, when I'm putting a Sonos in the back of a Toyota Highlander, I don't want my wedding ring to get snagged. Jesus Christ.

Any advice that you could give to help me kind of feel less insecure about it? I obviously don't want to throw away, you know, 11 plus years over, I don't know, innocent texting, if that's what it was.

Baby, come on. Good morning, baby. That's not innocent texting. Good morning, baby. It's not. On a Saturday. On a fucking Saturday with the text deleted? That's not innocent texting. And the message is silenced. That's not innocent texting. That's not. That's not. I mean, I know this is circumstantial evidence. You don't have the smoking gun in theory, but...

Good God almighty. I mean, this is crazy. This is beautiful gaslighting right here. The guy's making her feel bad about being the breadwinner. Yeah, you're fucking... He has no say in anything. He's a piece of shit. He's clearly insecure that you have the better job, whatever. And he's gaslighting you into... He's acting out because it's like there's some dumb bitch at work that'll never be better than him. You're better than him.

You're clearly smarter and make more money. You know what I mean? Like, you've been better than him, honestly, since you were kids. That's the problem with... Look, I don't want to bring this up, but you know my stance on high school and college sweethearts, even. It's just like, it's tough for that shit to work out. And I'm not saying it doesn't work out, but I am saying that this...

Is textbook gaslighting. Right. I mean, this is fucking nuts. And like, you're feeling guilty? You're calling in and feeling guilty is crazy. I mean, I don't... I mean, this is the kind of thing where it's like...

Yeah, you should feel insecure because I don't believe this fucking guy. And I don't even know what it was. She said she spoke to her too. I would like to know what that was like. I mean, that's the like. She said that the other girl said it was just flirting. I know. That's really interesting. I'm like, so did you reach out to her? Yeah, how did that happen?

I mean, if he's like, I was like, yeah, talk to her. And he's like, all right. They're fucking going over it like a mob lawyer. Yeah. Like, what are you going to say? Yeah, exactly. They're going over her testimony the night before the fucking trial. This is tough. This is really tough because you're not, you're clearly a nice person who's, who is gas lit to oblivion right now. Um,

The fact that he's even making you feel bad about being the breadwinner, that in and of itself is a gigantic red flag. To be like, to start, everything's gone good, and the arguments start because you make more money, because you provide for him, and that starts an argument? Like, he can't say shit to you. I don't, like, that's red flag number one. Somebody who's with someone...

understands, it's not like this changed or anything like that. And even if it did, if it's your fucking life partner, you can't be insecure about shit like that. I mean, let's just call it what it is. I mean, you caught your husband texting his coworker, good morning, baby, at 8 a.m. on a Saturday. Like, he was having an affair. Whether he had sex with her or not, I mean, I guess that's debatable. It's minimum an emotional affair at absolute minimum. It's an absolute minimum.

And just because he wiped the hard drives doesn't mean there wasn't fucked up shit. Right. There's probably nudes there. Oh, without minimum we're talking nudes. Yeah. So he was having an emotional affair at least. So you have to decide if you're willing to trust him again or put up with that. Because that's a thing that happened. Like you caught that. Yeah. At the very minimum. And who knows what the more. But I think sometimes women should ask themselves, it's like, all right.

Let's say you did catch him sleeping with his coworker. Are you going to leave him? Because if you're not going to leave him, then just let it go. Because you're not going to leave him for office. Yeah, are you going to leave him? How are you going to replace that $800 a month he brings in?

You're not going to have to either cut Disney Plus or fucking Hulu. Right. I know he pays for all the streaming services. So yeah, you're going to think about that. You know what I mean? Decide what you're going to do. If you're not going to leave him regardless, then this is stop killing yourself over it. I mean, if you're not going to leave. First of all, if you want my harsh, true thoughts on this, please. High school sweethearts.

It's got to be perfect to continue a high school sweetheart's relationship, in my opinion. This is the only person you've ever dated. The second you hit a road bump, which, look, as much as I was tough on the guy for, like, saying it's a red flag to start arguments over...

you know, the imbalance in their financial stuff. Like, I get how that could, your knee-jerk reaction to feeling insufficient to your wife could start an argument, but you have to work through that and you have to, all

All right, we're good. Clearly, the second this guy felt emasculated, he fucking, at the very minimum, looked for attention elsewhere. At the very minimum. At worst case scenario, had a full-blown affair with somebody. It's the first... That's the first problem you guys have had. He has a fucking affair of some level. He doesn't provide...

You don't even have the fucking cold rational, he's fucking rich, I'll turn a blind eye. You fucking buy him. He's wearing Dockers you fucking paid for.

To me, you can't let it... I would not let it go. I would at minimum go to like counseling to feel like you're actually over this. Have him actually admit what happened. You can't have these weird half-truths. Yeah, the half-truths is no good. You have to be like, you know what? I don't... It can't be a conversation between you, him, and the girl he fucking cheated with. It's got to be you, him, and a fucking therapist. And look, I'm not even saying...

Throw it away, right? That's definitely my inclination. I'm that kind of person. That's my own issue. Just throw it away. I've fucked up relationships, so I don't want to work on them. Yeah. I'm not even, even if he cheated, I'm not even necessarily saying throw it away because the older I get, the more I realize sometimes people just fucking act out. You both are immature. You both are high school sweethearts. He doesn't know. He's never dealt with any of this shit. It could have, even if he had an affair, it could have been a mistake that he won't repeat. Right.

but it also could be something you can't get over. And either one of those is fine. That's your decision to make. But to sort of, you're treating this a little flippantly because this guy has gaslit the fuck out of you. And so you have to treat this with actual, it's a serious thing that could very well sink your relationship. And I think you need to treat it with that kind of severity. That's the way I'd look at it. Given the context of their relationship.

Is this the same caller who said that she didn't have men in her life that she could talk to? Well, that makes sense. Totally. That's why she's being so easily manipulated. Absolutely. This guy's probably so stupid. Right. And because she doesn't have any brothers. Yeah, because any man would be like, are you kidding me? Yeah. This is insane. This is silly. All of this is crazy. Yeah. But that makes sense. But yeah, I agree. I think you got to at least go to therapy on this. Minimum. Because you're always going to have that. And what's the not wearing your wedding ring to work? What is that? I mean, what are we talking about?

Yeah, what is that? Everything you've said is fucking crazy. I hate to be this guy. Hey, I've been known to forget mine when I come to work here sometimes. Yeah, Eldridge is trying to fuck me. Eldridge is trying to fuck his co-workers. But she's like, he was doing it purposely. Yeah, I mean, I feel so bad for her because I'd love to be able to talk to her actually. But yeah, this is...

This is tough. This guy... And you can't be taking any shit from this fucking guy. And... I mean, that's the other thing. It's like, the fact that he's trying to weirdly come...

I don't know, kind of on top. Like, she feels bad. You hear it in her voice. Yeah. You shouldn't feel bad at all. I mean, you shouldn't feel bad that your husband's kind of a piece of shit. Yeah, you shouldn't feel sad. Yeah, yeah. But you don't, you shouldn't feel guilty. Yeah, not guilty. The guilt should all, she feels guilty. She's like, I don't want to be insecure. You're not being insecure. You're reacting like a fucking human being to this situation. Right. And if this, and I will say, if this was fucking, if this was me, there's,

I'm not having a calm conversation with the guy who texted my fucking wife. Good morning, baby. I'm not going to get his side of the story. Like that's that's crazy. You know what I mean? Like a morning baby is crazy. I mean, it's insane. What are we talking about? It's your fucking husband.

Oh, man. So anyway. If I call a girlfriend texting a guy, good morning, baby, on Saturday at 8 a.m., I think that's it. That's probably it. Yeah, for sure. I think we're done. It's like, who the fuck is this guy? Why would you ever text that to a fucking co-worker? Because you're fucking them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's no other... With the fucking shit wiped and the message is silenced? Yeah. Like...

You get a divorce lawyer immediately, honestly. Or you go to counseling. Go to counseling. And work through it if that's the route. But yes, those are the two options. The third, like, take his word for it and have a conversation with the girl. You're a nice person that has gotten manipulated. This is fucking nuts. But we're rooting for you. Also, if you got a little money, hire a prime investigator. You're so fucking right.

Hire a private investigator. Honestly, we'll match. I'm not even kidding. Contact Elvis. We will match you up to, I don't know, $1,000. Where's the zip? Can we look up the zip code? Yeah, let's see where she's at. Area code?

Oh, that's easy. That's easy. I was just there. I was there last weekend. I could have done some research. We should catch a flight and do a cheater style episode of Stompy's World. Holy shit, Eldis. You're a fucking genius.

We need to fucking do cheaters. Stavi's World Cheaters Edition. We confront them. It'd be hilarious if her husband is also a listener. He sends us a message like, hey, Stavi, love you. Long time listener. So I'm cheating on my wife. So I'm cheating on my wife. I think this whore's gotten wise. Yeah.

My buddy, hang in there. Yeah, you're giving him both advice. Hang in there. She's probably going to hire a private investigator, but listen. Yeah, for real. You were being gaslit here. We spent enough time. You get it. You get where we're coming from, but we're rooting for you, and we literally will help if you need us to. That's hilarious. You're a good guy, man. Yeah, I mean, we love our listeners here on Stavi's World. What do we got, Eldis? Let's do a couple more.

Hey, Stavi. Hey, Eldis. Hello, guest. Yeah, so...

I'm taking too long, I apologize. Basically, my eldest sister, she's got this boyfriend who sucks. He's just like, you know, has been caught sneaking into people's family liquor cabinets, just drinking, just throwing them back. A grown man? Not a child? He sucks, okay. He sucks. And he just told, they're planning on getting married. I hate this guy. Um,

My dad passed away about a year ago. We're going to go celebrate his life, just the four of us, me, my other sister, my mom, and her. She really wants him to come. We're kind of like, no, we're not bringing any of our partners. I have a really sick, super sexy Latina girlfriend who's awesome, but she's not coming because we just want the four of us.

Uh, she's flipping out about it. Uh, they're planning on getting married now, which sucks. Basically, should I tell her I fucking hate this guy? They can get married, that's fine. But part of me is like, she should just know I really don't fucking like him. Also, no one likes him in our family. Like, cousins and everything, aunt and uncle.

Thank you so much, dude. Have a great fucking day. This is a brutal situation, man. Yeah. To hate a potential in-law of your sibling is really tough. Yeah. You got to tread lightly, though. I fully get where he's coming from. I get the feel where he's, you know, his feelings here. But...

Overplaying your hand could lead to them having the leg up here and some sympathy. Like, if you're like, he's a fucking piece of fuck. If you, without them really deserving it. Now, she is being, she's the asshole here for saying, trying to get anyone to this thing. Where you said, we're trying to celebrate our dad's, you know, life. Just immediate family. No one's bringing partners. And her insisting.

That's a pretty nice opening, actually. That's a pretty nice opening to air out your true feelings. Because you have the cover of how selfish it is and also that it is your dad's funeral, essentially. Pops can do you one more solid from beyond the grave and provide you coverage to shit on this piece of shit boyfriend, right? Where you're like, honestly... First of all, you could be like, it's disrespectful of you to want...

to want special treatment compared to the rest of us. That's number one. And two, since you're pressing the matter, your boyfriend's a fucking asshole who I don't want honoring my father's memory for this, this, and this, and this reason. That's how I would handle it in terms of like family politics. You know what I mean? Like, and her insisting is weird. Now look, the other thing you have to realize, you're not winning this.

People with horrible partners love their stupid fucking partners for some stupid psychological reason They have their hooks in them and honestly the more you fucking hate them the more it might actually Backfire on you, but at the same time you're a human being and you have to go through life speaking your truth brother And I wouldn't swallow my fucking tongue if this guy was that big of a piece of shit personally um

I think this is very tricky, man. As the youngest of five, I don't see... Yeah, you have much more... I don't see a winning scenario here. There's no winning scenario. That's a good point. I think you may just have to resort to talking shit behind his back with your other family members.

Seriously, like I don't, there's no, like, you're not gonna, you're gonna tell her I don't like this guy and what, she's gonna not marry him? No. Like, she's not even gonna take it into account. As soon as you say that to her, from what it sounds like, you're gonna become her enemy. Sure. So it's like, what is it to you? Like, there's no positive coming from that. There's no positive in it. Only your own ego being like, well, I told her that I didn't like him, but it's like nothing, she's not gonna leave him, she's not gonna look at him differently, she's gonna look at you differently. So there's really no win for you here.

Yeah, I think you're right. There's only what negative is more palatable to you. And the options are, you're right, saying it for yourself and potentially losing your sister in a real way or biting your tongue, living in...

in like this weird quasi, you know, ignoring, having an elephant in the room for the rest of your life. Now to me, to me personally, because of how I grew up and because so much of my life was pretending shit was okay that wasn't, I don't think I could handle that as an adult. I think I would, and listen, I'm not even saying I wouldn't invite him to my fucking house if he behaved fine, but I don't think... He's gonna steal out your liquor cabinet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's what I'm saying is like, it's almost like you can't,

Just because you're pretty sure a guy's going to commit a crime, you can't arrest him until he's committed the crime.

I mean, I'm black. I understand. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If only we could police the way we knew, no things would be simpler. No stopping Frisco. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. You can't have Giuliani-style tactics on this guy, even though he fits the profile. You have to wait until he comes out of a fucking H&M with his fucking backpack stuffed full of V-necks to sell at Homeroom the next day. Yeah.

I just think as somebody's brother, you don't have, I mean, it's not your, you liking them is pointless. It doesn't matter. It's inconsequential. It means nothing. Whether you like him or not, it means nothing. Your only role is to wish best for your sister. Now, if she comes to you and confides in you and you're having, and she gives you the window of saying your opinion. Yeah.

Like, you know, maybe she's having issues and she comes to you and she's like, and then it gives you the window to say your opinion. That's a role. But to just listen, sit down and volunteer your opinion on your partner's, on your sister or brother's partner. I don't think there's a role where you come out as a good guy here. Yeah, you're right. And in fact, that makes me sort of even retract my original advice where I said the funeral gives or the celebration of life gives him cover.

You have to stick with the rules here, and the rules are just no partners. And it's immaterial that this guy's a piece of shit. Right. And I think you're right, Ian. It's like you have to just accept this. And like I said, if a window comes up, yes, you're absolutely right. You can say it. No one's going to stop you. But you also have to understand, even when the window comes up, it doesn't matter.

It still doesn't matter. You can fucking say it and then she'll be sad and crying for a week and then they get back. How many times has that happened? Yeah. Where a friend breaks up with somebody and you're like, every time. Finally. It happens every single time. And then you say everything that you've fucking been, you're talking about and they get back together a month fucking later. Every single time. So even when you get the window, you have to be careful because

Also, I think the desire to want and to let somebody know that you don't like their partner when you know nothing is going to come from it. That's a little bit selfish. You're right. It's a little bit like trying to feed your own ego of like, I was right and I want to be ahead of it before I was right. Because you know for a fact, he knows she's not going to leave him. Right. If that were part of the conversation, I would say, yeah, then maybe there is space to have it. But you know she's not. Right. You're just going to become enemies. Right, right, right. So.

Yeah. And so just, you know. But shout out to the hot Latina girlfriend. Shout out to her, man. I feel like that's not getting enough. Yeah. I mean, she sounds great. She sounds awesome. I'd love one of those myself. I feel like you should focus on that. Yeah. Exactly. And forget about your sister and her alcoholic. Fuck you. You have to see this drunk every fucking Thanksgiving. Look at your hot girlfriend. Who gives a fuck, dude?

Come on. Have some fucking fresh tortillas. I have a really sick, super sick, hot Latina girlfriend. Those are his words. You're living the dream. You can also tell this frustration is coming out of his sister insisting he comes to the dad's funeral. There's a little bit of that. You also have to recognize when your sister's just, you got to let that shit go. And my worry here would be that

his sister might just be an enemy anyway, you know what I mean? If she continues to advocate for a guy who's being a fucking asshole, and she just kind of becomes his teammate,

That is an unfortunate thing that happens. I mean, they're teammates. That's what it is. I will say this. Maybe this is a conversation you could have with somebody who has lost a parent. I think it's something to bring up with her. Unless it's a husband or a wife, you don't want to make a boyfriend or somebody like that part of something like this because this lives on with you forever. And you don't want this person, once you've moved on and you're now married with a new husband or whatever, you don't want this person to be

inscribed into that memory of like,

Well, no, he doesn't want this guy here either way. Yeah. No, I'm saying her. She wouldn't want that. Right, right, right. She wouldn't want that. And the future is like, you don't want to look back at your dad's celebration of life and see some asshole who was an alcoholic that you used to date. You don't want the guy in the back of the selfie taking the woods or whatever. Yeah, but that's the process. Taking a little shot that he brought from a flask. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's what I'm saying. I think that's what this comes from. And I think ultimately, dude, put your foot down. Don't let this motherfucker come to this thing. And whatever you have to do to do that.

I think, even if you have to, you know, yell at your sister, whatever. But you got to tread lightly here, my friend. Why don't you fucking cap us off with something good, Eldis? How many of these do you get, man? These are crazy. We get a lot. Yeah, it's insane. We get a ton. Hey, Stav. Hey, Eldis. I have a question. Oh, hello, guys. Thank you. I have a question about...

my relationship with my girlfriend right now. So for background, I'm 23. She's 21. We've been dating for like a year-ish.

And it's going great. It's really wonderful. I love her. She loves me. She's beautiful. Everything's great. She's super creative and talented, etc., etc., all the boring shit. But really recently we've had a bit of an issue because she bleached her eyebrows blonde.

And she was talking to me about wanting to do this for like a week, maybe two weeks. And as she was talking to me, I was very honest with her. And I was like, look, I don't think it's going to look very good. But if you want to do it, I support you in doing it.

And eventually she did it, and then she Facetimed me at the time, and I was like, "It looked better than I thought it would." And that wasn't a happy enough response for her. Anyway... Fucking idiot, this guy's awesome. She keeps re-bleaching her eyebrows, and every time I see her, I'm like, "Damn, she's so pretty, but I wish she had normal eyebrows again."

What do I do? What do you do? Am I, like, should I say that? No. I feel like that's not the way to say it, obviously. So if I should say something, you gotta tell me what to do. Help me out here, Scott.

I gotta help you out? What are you fucking... Oh, hey, how do I control my girlfriend's appearance against her will? You don't, dickhead. You're a fucking dumb little idiot. This is what happens when you're 21, she's 22. You're not gonna be able to tell her to fucking... You can't tell your girl... She's 23, she's 21. Yeah, he's 23. Oh, yeah, dude. You're not... Yeah. Also, like, eyebrow... Come on, like, that's a...

That'll be done soon. You don't got to see that. I know. No one's going to keep bleaching their eyebrows. What are you fucking talking about? This is not a real problem. You fucking loser. And by the way, the fact that the type of person in a relationship...

who nips a girl's appearance that he doesn't like in the bud is not a nervous podcast listener voicemail lever. If you were going to control her appearance, you would have done it already. There's nothing in the world I can say that'll make... To teach not to be a man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And by the way, I'm not even advocating for that. I wouldn't tell my girl to fucking, like, you know, to change her appearance if I didn't like something. I'd let her fucking ride it out. I don't give a fuck. But it's like, yeah, you clearly, like...

You don't get to say, here's what you could do. You do something stupid to your face. That would backfire. She would just leave you and fuck somebody else. She's a hot girl that does dumb shit to her eyebrows and still is hot. She sounds hot, yeah. Yeah, she sounds cool. She sounds way cooler than you. So yeah, dude, this is part of what goes... Dating a hot girl package is you just got to...

They do whatever they want with their fucking appearance. Yeah. And you're along for the ride. I mean, this is not going to happen if you're dating a 29 year old. Sure. They're probably not going to bleach their eyebrows blonde. Sure. But if you if you if you're going to take the joys of of 21 year old Vaj, you have to take the backlash that come from it. Sometimes they wake up and they want to bleach their face. Yeah. Something odd happens, bro. Right. Who gives a fuck? That's what it is. Yeah. Yeah.

This is so funny. He hates this and he's such a coward. He can't even admit it to us. He's like, you got to tell me what to do, Stav. There's nothing to do, buddy. Enjoy, man. Enjoy. Have a good time. Don't be a fucking dickhead. Yeah, you'll break up. And learn how to lie to women when you know the right answer on insignificant shit. Pretend it looked awesome. I mean, if you tell her it looked awesome, she'll probably stop. She'll probably stop doing it.

Like, it'll probably be like, all right, well, that's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She'll probably be like, I'm going blue now. That is actually true. You 100% bought yourself minimum two extra weeks of bleached eyebrows by being like, by harrumphing that shit. Yeah, dude, you're a fucking idiot. You're 23. This is dumb young guy problems.

It's literally cute. This is like seeing a... This is like when you see a video of a baby trying to, like, eat toast for the first time or avocado, and it's just got...

avocado toast. It's got green all over its nose. This is you trying to be in a... It's so funny to look at 23-year-old problems and be like, aw. He thinks if he tells her to bleach her eyebrows back, that will help him. He thinks that won't be the worst mistake he's ever made in his life. Well, good for you, buddy. You're cute. Thank you to everybody who called in. Thank you, Ian. Great episode, buddy. We really appreciate you coming by. And

We will talk to you guys next time. Bye-bye. Thank you, man. Thank you for having me. Of course.